Programma Televisivo: Rescue Me - 7x2
Previously on "Rescue Me"...
She--she's beautiful.
She's dead.
You wouldn't have known if I was holding her or if she was holding me.
That's how incredible the experience was.
Which one did you tell first, you goddamn liar, your girlfriend or your wife?
They were both here.
They knew the whole story.
They--they were here?
You have a department physical coming up, a physical you are guaranteed not to pass, and you want me to get you off the hook, give you a clean bill of health, lie to the FDNY.
This is all I know how to do, doc.
I don't fish.
I don't golf.
I fight fires.
The only way that I will have this kid is if y promise to be a normal, close-to-home dad.
I gotta say, honey, you look gorgeous right now.
I know.
What are you laughin' at?
You and Janet, what's-- what is this?
You guys have the brotherhood, so we have the motherhood.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Does that surprise you or scare you?
Heh.
50-50.
That's disgusting.
What if she lost 250 pounds?
She's dead.
I know.
So she can't lose any weight, 'cause she's dead.
Still no fires?
Nah, nah, nah, man.
Like, the last tour, caught what, 4 frozen water pipes, a kitten stuck in a toilet, and a busted steam valve in a subway stop, like, nothin'n 3 weeks.
3 goddamn weeks in the city without a goddamn fire.
The last time we had the ladder up was Garrity goin' up to make sure the water bucket was full.
What water bucket?
Oh, direct hit.
Oh, man, that was a good one.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!
I feel bad for you, Mike.
I mean, what is this, like, the fifth time?
This year.
There's not a third one, is there, guys?
No, Mike.
No third one.
Your job is done here.
Thank you.
Go dry off.
Hey.
Hey, since when do you ask my daughter to marry you without askin' my permission first?
Huh?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
No, no, no.
You hold on, ok?
She went on a giant bender after that, jerk-off.
Oh, you pointin' fingers at me now?
I'm pointin' fingers at you-- No, no, no.
She went on a giant bender 'cause she got some goofy-ass DNA from you, Tommy.
Hey, Tom.
Tom, come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't have to ask you permission for shit.
Whoa, man.
Hey, what the hell is this?
News crew.
What?
It's a news crew.
Hey, knock it off, you animals.
It's almost time for my close-up.
What's going on?
Hi.
Pam Kepp.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
This is the news chick.
Excuse me.
Reporter.
For what?
This is the Jimmy thing.
What Jimmy thing?
The news piece they're doin' on Jimmy.
Relax.
It's ok.
This is a good thing.
What do you mean it's a good thing?
What kind of good thing?
Wait.
All right, let's go.
Get out.
No.
Come on, Tommy.
Whoa, whoa!
Hey, asshole!
I'm the asshole?
Let me tell you somethin', pal.
See that guy, the face up on the plaque that you got your cameras and your other shit pointed at?
That's my cousin, all right?
My best friend.
What do you think this is, like, the baseball hall of fame?
You just waltz in here and start takin' pictures of plaques?
He was a fireman, not a goddamn first baseman.
Anybody that does anything about him, they gotta talk to me first.
And here's me talkin'.
Get out.
Let's go.
We should shoot this.
What'd you say, asshole?
Hey, come on, Tommy.
Hey, Tom!
No, Tom!
All right, that's enough!
That's enough!
Let it go!
Get him out of here!
Christ, Tom, you know?
Tom, come on.
Will you relax, please?
Tommy, I swear to God, you make a move, we're gonna have to kick your ass to the curb, ok?
Whose idea was this?
It was cleared by HQ.
They got official papers and everything, all right?
Oh, really?
Signed by who?
Sheila.
Bullshit.
It's not bullshit.
We saw the papers.
Look, Tommy, they're doin', like, a 9/11 10th-anniversary special thing, ok?
Oh, really?
Yeah.
What's their angle, huh, Franco?
What, is it the 9/11 conspiracy?
Is that their angle?
Or maybe it's the, you know, our crew didn't do the job they were supposed to do that day, Lou, huh?
Maybe that's the angle, huh?
- No.
Or maybe it's the whole department that they're gonna blame.
- No.
Or how 'bout maybe that I slept with my cousin's wife.
Is that what they're goin' for?
Yeah.
Tom, look, they--they picked out 6 guys who were there that day, ok?
Jimmy's one of 'em.
It's like an hour-long special, ok?
6 random guys.
That's the story.
That's it.
It is a hero piece.
In Jimmy's case, they're gonna talk about Damian, too.
You know, family bloodlines, the baby that he saved.
- Yeah.
Hero blood, not boozehound blood.
Huh.
I'm puttin' an end to this shit right now.
Where are you goin'?
Lou, call somebody and get 'em to cover for me.
What do you mean, cover for you?
What--you know, it's kind of short notice, Tom.
You got any suggestions?
No.
I mean, doesn't even have to be a fireman.
Leaky steam valves and frozen pipes?
Get a goddamn plumber, for Christ's sake.
Oh, sure.
Like it's so easy to find a goddamn plumber.
♪ On another day, c'mon, c'mon, with these ropes tied tight, can we do no wrong, now we grieve 'cause now is gone, things were good when we were young, when my teeth bite down, I can see the blood of a thousand men who have come and gone, now we grieve 'cause now is gone, things were good when we were young, is it safe to say?
C'mon, c'mon was it right to leave?
C'mon, c'mon will I ever learn?
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon ♪ Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com All right.
I want some answers.
What the hell is goin' on with this Jimmy TV thing?
Shh.
You're gonna wake the baby.
You know what?
I'm gonna wake the dead if I don't start gettin' some answers around here.
You know, I was--came from the firehouse.
Your little, uh, new best friend here-- yes, gave her permission for the news to do a story about Jimmy Keefe.
I most certainly did.
It was my idea, actually.
What-- yep.
They called me, and they asked me about it, and...
And she called me.
We discussed it.
She called them back and gave them the go-ahead.
Really?
With no input from me?
Ok, this has absolutely nothing to do with you.
What-- Sheil, honey, could you pass me the scrub sponge, please?
Yes.
I will trade you the, uh, paper towels.
Absolutely.
Thank you.
Forgot to tell you that I love these 2-plys so much.
I do, too.
As a matter of fact, write that down.
2-ply paper towels on the list for when you go to the store.
You smell good.
You smell good.
What are you wearing?
Heh.
The vanilla that you gave me.
You are not wearing that vanilla.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
All right, I have had enough of this best-friend bullshit, ok?
We're gonna--we're gonna lay a few laws down in this house right now.
Ok?
I-I'm the boss around here, ok?
I'm tired of bein' treated like, uh, you know, I'm some kind of a--a Mexican errand boy.
Ok?
Yeah.
Right.
Now we go shoppin' when I say we go shoppin', ok?
And when it comes to Jimmy, I got a lot of stuff to say.
Ok?
So from now on, strap yourselves in, sisters, ok?
'Cause it's gonna be a ride that's driven by me, ok?
What do you think about that?
Startin' now.
Right now.
What?
You are so insensitive.
Hey, I am not-- You really are.
You're a cave man.
I said it.
You have no say when it comes to Jimmy Keefe.
No say!
I mean, he was my husband.
He's still my husband.
You don't own his memory.
I do.
I mean, it's 10 years later, and no one remembers his name.
- No.
Ok, half of this country doesn't even know how many firemen died that day.
And we don't have to worry about your indiscretions, because we are in control of this story.
Of--of my--what about your stuff?
You both did stuff.
A lot--what's wrong with you?
I'm f-fat.
You--ok, listen.
You are-- You're not fat.
All right?
I'm huge.
Look at my thighs.
You don't--bare--you have extra calves instead of thighs.
What are you talking about?
My jeans do not fit.
My ankles are bloated, ok?
And I'm a blimp.
No, you're not.
I'm such a blimp.
Ok, you--you wanna de-blimp?
Uh-huh.
Ok.
Go sit next to your mother.
That ought to put things in perspective.
Heh heh.
Ohh.
No.
Wait.
No, no, no, no.
No.
That did--that didn't-- No.
No.
See, I did--listen.
Hey.
I didn't.
No, no, no.
I didn't say fat.
She said fat.
I--I said--I said perspective.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you just called mom a blimp.
No, I never said, "mom," and, "blimp," in the same sentence.
I--I-- you know--you know, auntie Sheila's right, ok?
Uncle Jimmy, he deserves to be on that TV show, and he's gonna be on that TV show, because he was a hero, and everybody's gonna watch it, and everybody's gonna see it, and they're gonna see what a hero he was.
A-and mom's not fat.
She's pregnant!
Ok.
It's ok.
It's ok, honey.
Are you ok?
And you know what, sweetie?
Ok, you are not fat.
No.
There's a list of stuff we need from the store, and we need it right now.
You are non-sized.
This is--"tampons, motrin."
Are you guys all, you know-- what do you call it?
Doin' the-- at the same time?
Yeah.
It's called cycling, ok?
Ok.
Cycling.
Now why don't you get Lance Armstrong to go to the goddamn pharmacy for you?
'Cause I'll tell you somethin' right now.
I'm not goin'.
I am not goin' to the-- to the vagina aisle.
Ohh.
Jeez.
Ahh.
Can we help you, sir?
Ahh.
No.
I'm good.
Good.
Are you ok?
Yeah, yeah.
Just, uh--good.
You know this is the feminine hygiene aisle?
- Yeah.
It's not the men's cologne section.
Uh-huh.
I have a list of stuff.
Vagisil?
Vagisil don't come in a spray can, sir.
Yeah.
Must be pervert week.
All right, man.
Let's go.
That--that's ok.
I know him.
He--he's married.
He has a couple daughters.
Let me see.
You know her?
Um, yeah.
You know what?
And this writing's way too neat to be a guy's writing.
I'm sure they sent him down here to get this stuff.
This messy part's probably yours.
What does that say? "
T-tand..."
Hand lotion.
I have very dry hands.
I can vouch for him.
The hand lotion's in aisle 5.
Show's over, folks.
Move along.
Thank you.
Kelly, what are you doin' here?
Buying shampoo. "
Tampax pearl, always with wings, kotex-light days."
Holy shit.
What, are all the girls in your house on the same cycle?
Oh, yeah.
Major cycle.
It's kinda like the tour de pants.
Heh.
I can help you get this.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
What's, uh--what's goin' on?
Um, I got cancer.
I moved into an apartment over here because it's closer to where my medical torture takes place.
This says 2 tubes of preparation h?
Yeah.
Well, one's for my wife, and the other one's for, uh--Sheila's under-eye--you-- you remember Sheila.
Yes.
Joe Pesci with tits.
Yeah.
Ok. "
Carefree pantyliners for thongs."
Who's pregnant?
My wife.
4 months and...
And you're still seeing the tit bull?
No, no, no, no.
No.
They're actually kind of seeing each other.
They both went lesbo?
No.
I wish.
They're, uh, like, best friends, believe it or not.
So your wife is 4 months pregnant, and she's best friends with your ex-mistress?
Yeah.
I think you're gonna need more than one bottle of hand lotion.
You should check, see if they sell it by the case.
Hmm.
Here.
You need this for your eyes?
Yes.
Thank you.
Ow.
Ohh.
Man, that stuff stings.
Heh heh.
Yeah.
So, uh, cancer.
Is it, uh--is it serious?
It's cancer.
Right.
Of course.
Yeah.
What--what is-- breast.
I'm down one.
One?
Breast.
Ah.
Right.
But you're-- you're ok?
Oh, yeah.
Every day is a party.
Guess which one.
Hmm?
Can you guess which one's fake?
You--you want me to-- that one?
Wrong.
Looks like you're buyin' the coffee.
And I think that we should get you some chocolate.
Choc--why?
Hey, yo, Lou, where you at?
Come on, man.
Everybody's on the rig.
Let's go.
Where is he?
Right here.
Hey, man, come on.
You don't hear everybody yellin' for you?
We're all on the rig waitin'.
I ain't goin'.
What?
I ain't goin'.
You ain't goin'?
What, are you takin' a mutual or somethin'?
No.
Ok, so you're not goin' now.
You're not goin' later.
I mean, what?
You know some way around takin' the annual physical?
'Cause, please, clue us in.
Nobody wants to go downtown today.
Why don't you guys just go and leave me alone, all right?
Hello.
If you don't take the medical, they'll pull you off duty.
If I take the medical, they'll pull me.
All right, you wanna tell us what's goin' on?
I got some health issues, all right?
It's not a big thing.
All right, but it's obviously enough of a thing that if the doctors find out, you'll be out the door, right?
I mean, exactly how serious is this?
I mean, I feel like I got a right to ask, considering you keel over in a fire, my ass is probably gonna burn up tryin' to save yours.
I got some heart problems.
Well, yeah.
No shit.
We broke you out of the hospital, remember?
I know.
Since then.
Jesus.
The doctor says it's gonna be all right, you know, if I start exercising, lose some weight, you know, get in shape.
Mm-hmm.
All of which you ain't doin'.
Well, I'm startin' soon.
Well, you didn't start soon enough, did you, asshole?
Which brings us to today, with you sittin' your ass on this couch while everybody else is waitin' out on the rig.
I mean, look, Lou, I got a lot of respect for you, ok?
Half of what I know as a firefighter--shit, 75% of what I know, I learned from you.
But come on, brother.
You gotta get your shit together.
What am I gonna do?
Well, it's Lou, right?
We gotta do somethin'.
Yeah.
Look, come on, man.
Just--just get on the rig, ok?
We'll figure somethin' out on the way downtown.
What are we gonna figure out?
I don't know.
How to have a guy take a complete head-to-toe physical without actually takin' it.
We got twinkies on the rig.
Ok, I can take that for you.
You boys got all your paperwork filled out, ready to go?
Yeah.
Good to go, chief.
Locked and loaded.
I'm gonna hit the head downstairs.
Enjoy.
All right.
Thank you.
All right, fellas.
I'm goin' to get a cup of coffee, but I will leave you with this thought.
When the doctor checks your prostate, it will not be the last time the FDNY gives it to you in the ass.
Godspeed.
Don't clench.
Thanks.
Yo, this shit is never gonna work.
How we gonna get away with this?
Hey, look, man, I'm the first one to admit it's crazy, bro.
You never even been through this shit before.
It's, like, 10, 12 different doctors in 10 or 12 different rooms, you know.
It's gonna be fine.
There's, like, a million guys that go through here.
Yeah.
They might not even notice.
And if they do notice, that's our asses.
Let's just assume everything's gonna go well, ok?
We'll cross that bridge if we come to it, ok?
Hey!
62 truck!
Just a minute!
One second!
All right, remember who you're supposed to be and in what room, ok?
All right, 62 truck, on 3.
1, 2, 3.
62 truck.
Black Shawn, you're up first.
Let's go.
All right, come on.
Move.
Lou, let's go.
What?
What?
To the bathroom.
To the bathroom.
For what?
So you can blow me.
To swap shirts.
Come on.
The plan.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Was he just sleepin' over there?
You're doing very well, lieutenant Shea.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Piece of cake.
125 over 80.
That's a major improvement over last year, lieutenant, uh, Shea.
Yep.
That's me, lieutenant Shea.
Lieutenant Kenneth Shea.
Uh, you know, they call me Lou, because Lou-ten-ant is, you know--the Lou goes for--the Lou in the tenant.
So--ahem.
Yeah, says so right here on this shirt.
Lieutenant Shea.
My shirt.
Ok.
Ok.
Ahem.
Here we go.
Mmh.
Ahem.
Yeah, I don't know if I can do this with you starin' at me, doc.
I-- I'm a medical professional, lieutenant Shea.
I do this kind of thing every day.
Well, I don't--I'm--I'm a little stage fright.
I get pee shy.
Do you mind turnin' around?
We're required to observe.
I mean, it's not like I can see your-- otherwise, I'm gonna stand here all day with my dick in my hand.
I can do that at home.
I do do that at home, actually.
Heh heh.
No, I don't really.
Fine.
Ok, thanks, doc.
Here we go.
Ok.
Ahem.
Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls.
Hudson River.
Pouring rain.
Tidal waves.
Water fountains.
Anything?
No.
Nothing.
Shit.
Could you turn the sink on, maybe?
That--the running water might help, you know?
Thanks, doc.
Ok.
Oh, yeah.
Much better.
Ok.
Come on, baby.
Work your magic.
There she goes.
Huh?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh-oh.
Uh, ooh, can you turn that off?
Please turn it off.
Uh, ooh.
Turn it off.
I'm gonna need another cup, doc.
Say again.
I'm fillin' this one up pretty quick.
Well, just pinch it off.
Yeah, I'm tryin'.
I, uh-- kegels.
Kegels.
Uh--kegels.
Thank you.
Ok.
You got it?
Oh, man.
God.
Oh, boy.
I'm gonna fill this one up, too.
Shit.
Shouldn't have had all that coffee this morning.
Can I get another cup?
Thanks.
Thanks, doc.
Ok, here you go.
Ready?
Makin' the transfer.
Ok.
Phew.
Yeah.
Ooh, boy.
I'm gonna need another cup.
Heh heh.
I'm all out of cups.
Yeah.
I--I need another cup, or I'm gonna piss all over your floor, doc.
Seriously.
Could you hurry up?
Oh, God, you monkey.
That's, uh...
Oh, Jesus.
Son of a bitch.
Got 'em.
Holy shit!
Aah!
I don't know what to say.
Something funny.
I'm so tired of concerned looks and sympathetic smiles.
Funny.
Funny shit, that's what I want.
Ok.
Um, I've always had a thing for Bruce Willis.
Yeah.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
I've never been compared to a male action hero before.
Except I did see this one guy that nicknamed me Jackie Chan, but that was because of this thing I did, and it--never mind.
I took it as a compliment.
Yeah, I got a weird compliment from my wife and my ex-girlfriend the other day.
Said I had girl legs.
Oh, yeah.
Girl legs.
And girl hair and girl ass.
I wonder who you'd look like in some of my dresses.
One more operation, we'll both have the same bra size.
Is that what they're sayin', that you're gonna--they're gonna take the other one?
No, but you gotta be ready for anything, right?
And I have to say that this whole thing has really--I don't know--made me focus on the real, actual, tangible, important things in life.
Like?
Tits.
No, I don't know.
I don't know.
This shrink's roaming the hallway of the cancer ward, wants to talk about my feelings and my family and my bullshit.
I don't know, my legacy.
They wanna know what I want my legacy to be.
And?
Well, I don't know.
What's your legacy?
Uh, my kids, I guess.
And-- unless I, uh, got killed in the line of duty, and then that would be my, you know--you know, I get a plaque.
Where's the plaque?
In the firehouse.
Is there something for all the guys that died in 9/11?
Yeah.
I mean, each firehouse, we have stuff up, you know, for my cousin and the other guys, but, um, next to ground zero, there's a firehouse outside.
They have a really impressive, uh, wall that they put up with all 343 names.
It's, you know...
And are there pictures?
No, no.
Just the names.
Well, that just doesn't-- I don't know--seem like enough, does it?
Don't you think for the public, there should be a picture to go with the name?
A face?
Wouldn't you want there to be a picture of your cousin somewhere so everybody could know what he looked like?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That'd be-- yeah.
Maybe that's what I should do.
What, put pictures of my cousin--what?
No, for me.
I mean, there's gotta be a picture of my tit somewhere.
I think Billy Squier took a picture of my tits once.
Or maybe it was Billy Ocean.
Which one's the black guy?
Billy Ocean was the black guy.
I smoked a lot of weed in the eighties, too.
It was really hard to remember.
Thank God.
Or maybe I could get a plaster cast made of my tit and turn it into a paperweight or tea cup.
Well, now, I'd buy a couple of those.
For old times' sake?
Yeah, and also to, uh--to put in my dress, fill it out, you know.
Couple of those things, one of your dresses, and, uh, the space I got between my teeth, I think I could give, uh, Lauren Hutton a run for her money.
Ok, pay up.
I have chemo in a half-hour.
Oh, yeah.
Ok.
Come on, man.
Hurry up, brother.
You gotta get your blood drawn.
Let's go.
Well, I can't do that without my goddamn shirt.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Now, look, I'm gonna meet you back here.
Come on, man.
Take it off.
All right, well, give me yours.
You know, if we get caught, the shit is gonna hit the fan big time.
Nobody's gonna know but us.
Come on.
Give it to me.
Oh, God.
It's tight.
Yeah.
So you want me to drop you at the hospital?
No, no.
It's only a couple of blocks.
I like the air.
Gives me time to get ready.
Besides, there's a really cute doctor workin' on my case that I kinda have the hots for, and I don't want him to think I have a boyfriend.
What?
I--I just think that's great that you still have a, you know, sex drive.
Well, it's more like a curiosity drive, really, you know, if I can get a guy to like me based on just my personality, what I say, how I say it, no hair, half the recommended cleavage.
Maybe that's your, uh, legacy.
Maybe.
This was fun.
You should call me, same cell.
Ok.
Later?
No.
Later, I'll be gray and dizzy and angry.
Kind of reminds me of when I was drinkin'.
You quit?
Yeah.
Had to.
I, um--I got a call from the Jameson's people.
They wanted to give me a, uh, lifetime achievement award.
Took that as a bad sign, so...
See, that would look great on you.
Nah.
It's the wrong cut.
Makes me look too hippy.
Ha ha.
Well, you better get that stuff home before it turns into "Night of the Living Dead" at your place.
Yeah.
All right.
See ya later.
Bye.
Bye.
Yo, I got the lung test next.
Who am I, me or Lou?
Uh, hold on for a second.
Lung test.
Lung test.
Lung test, you're you.
I'm Lou for the lung test.
Weight test, you're Lou.
Lung test, me.
Weight, Lou.
Yeah.
Lung, me.
Weight, Lou.
Lung, me.
Weight, Lou.
Lung, me.
Weight, Lou.
Yeah.
Aw, son of a bitch--I hope you appreciate what we're doin' for you, pal.
Talk about takin' a bullet.
I just got, like, 16 shots.
Hepatitis B--give me that.
I got a tetanus shot.
I even got the TB test.
You douche bag...
ow!
You weren't supposed to do that, asshole.
He was supposed to get his own shots.
We decided that was one thing he could do without gettin' himself into trouble.
Shit.
Yeah, double shit.
That means you gotta go back later today and get those shots over again for yourself.
What?
Seano, like I said when I broke it down the first time, if you cover part of the physical for Lou, you gotta go back later today and finish those parts, do 'em over again for yourself.
Otherwise, your physical comes up incomplete.
Wait a second.
I got an idea.
What?
If I'm gettin' all of Lou's shots and then Lou gets all of my shots...
yeah.
Then it should turn out all right.
You know what I'm saying?
Lou.
Hey, Lou.
Where the hell'd he go?
Damn it.
Hey, can you, uh, die from getting too many shots?
I don't know, Seano.
I guess we're gonna find out.
Sick of needles!
How's it goin', Frank?
Chief.
Uh, all good.
So I heard.
You see Feinberg?
No.
No, no.
But I been in and out with the white coats all day, so, you know...
I can't find him anywhere, and I checked every shitter in this place.
Oh.
Ahem.
I checked every shitter in this place.
Shit.
Somethin' you wanna tell me, Frank?
Concerning?
You, Lou...
um, well, you know, chief, all due respect, if I answer that question, you're probably not really gonna like what you hear.
So this is like a don't ask, don't tell situation?
Exactly.
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, shit.
What's wrong now?
Man, I knew somethin' was gonna get screwed up.
Lou is supposed to be takin' his own mental evaluation.
Ok.
Well, who's doin' it?
I mean, when I say I masturbate a lot, I mean, you know, one person's "a lot" can be a-another person's "not so much," right?
And--and I think there have been times when I haven't, like, masturbated for, like, a full day.
O-or 2 days, even.
But like they say, it's good for you, right?
Good for your pro state?
Prostate.
Yeah, all that stuff.
Are we done yet?
Just a few more questions, lieutenant.
Oh, I'm not a lieutenant.
I mean, yes, I'm a lieutenant.
Why would you say you weren't a lieutenant, lieutenant Shea?
Shame.
Why do I smell urine?
Nervous?
Hey, wandering Jew, what the hell are you doin'?
What the hell are you doin' lockin' me out of this building.
I didn't lock you out of anywhere.
Oh, come on, you little shit.
Turn my back on you for 2 seconds, and right away, you're conspiring against me.
Open the goddamn door!
This isn't the medical building.
The medical building's 2 blocks that way.
No.
I just--I just came out of here.
You went to go to the bathroom an hour ago.
No one's seen you since.
What the hell is goin' on?
Why are we standing here, talking?
I don't wanna talk to you about this.
Come on.
Let's go.
Sidney.
It's this way.
Asshole.
Ok, girls.
Where the hell have you been?
Yeah, what'd you do, crawl there and back?
Nah, I was-- and why do you smell like feminine hygiene spray?
Yeah.
Tropical breeze.
Oh, it was--I-- this was an emergency, Tommy.
What part of that did you not understand?
I--you know-- for Christ's sakes, it's like we have to spell everything out to you.
Ooh, dear God.
Girls, chocolate.
He got chocolate.
He got chocolate.
You got chocolate.
And it's from France!
Yes.
Oh.
He got chocolate.
Dad, you smell good.
Thank you, honey.
And you know what, girls?
I was thinkin', uh, while I was makin' my little trip, um, about the whole Jimmy TV thing, and you know what?
I--I rethought it, and I think it's a good idea.
I think it would be great for his legacy.
I think it's kind of a no-brainer, and, uh, I'm in.
Why is--why is that so funny?
Oh, honey, that's sweet.
He's in.
He's so in.
Yeah, your interview's next week.
What?
Mm, me and Lou and needles and Franco were doin' ours this week, and then you are doing yours last so that we can make sure that you talk and act good.
Whoa.
Th-this is what you guys were discussing while I was gone?
Oh, my God.
I think I just swallowed some crystallized lavender.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Crystallized lavender?
Oh, it is heavenly delicious.
Ok.
No, listen.
While you were gone, we were crying and cleaning and cursing your very existence.
The interviews, we set up last week.
Well, you can just unset it 'cause I'm not doin' it.
Ok?
A-and I--number one, because you didn't ask m and number 2, because if you had asked me, I would have said, "Yeah, I'll do the interview.
When hell freezes over."
Ok?
So you just, uh, call back whoever it is you have to call back and you tell 'em Tommy Gavin is not...
What should I wear?
So looking through your results for all of your tests today, your--your blood pressure's great.
Uh, your weight is down very nicely from last year.
It's, uh, 165.
Yeah.
I, uh--I don't carry it well.
A little in here.
EKG, good.
Stress test, very good.
Uh, lung capacity's excellent.
Well, pays to take care of yourself, I always say.
All right, look, blood, hearing, vision's all good.
The only red flag seems to be from your mental wellness evaluation, and, uh, the psychiatrist strongly recommended that you seek counseling for your issues involving excessive masturbation, uh, occasional incontinence, and your latent homosexuality.
All right.
Um, I'll get right on that.
And, hey, I wanted to say you guys just do a great job down here.
You know, I was kinda dreading coming down here for this physical, but this year was easiest it's ever been.
Well--heh-- just one more thing.
And I spoke too soon.
Hi.
What are you doin' here?
Uh, Franco said you sometimes come here.
How many have you had?
4.
Doing the trick?
It's club soda, Colleen, all right?
Unlike some people, I have dignity.
I don't need to drink that hard shit like you and your old man drink so much of.
Drank so much of.
Oh.
Of course.
Here comes the "thing of the past" speech, right?
Got drunk 'cause you were nervous, simple and clean.
You're just gonna blow it all away, right?
So you wanna come up here and give me my ring back so, you know--'cause you just couldn't handle it all.
It was just a little too much for you.
So why don't you get on with the show so I can get on with my life?
Shawn.
Another club soda for the gentleman.
Thanks.
Think she likes you.
Not as much as she dislikes you.
You know, brother sharing same space with a white girl.
Up in here, you know, we're not exactly a popular pair, all right?
Especially with the sisters.
Well, then they're gonna hate my white Irish ass for this.
What you doin'?
Shawn Johnston, I want you to marry me.
Uh, ahem.
Let's take this outside.
No.
Ok, I know you don't think I can handle it, but I can.
I can.
Stop it.
I can.
I'll be ready.
Shh.
Ha ha.
She's just so silly.
I mean, yeah, been doin' a little drinking.
You know, she's got a bit of a drinking problem.
Hey, no, no, no.
I am in the program, ok?
I just had a little slip.
I hear that, sister.
What makes you think the lily-white bitch can't hack it?
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow your roll, all right?
Watch your mouth.
She's not a bitch.
Oh, yeah?
No, I'm the bitch that's gonna slap that weave off your head, bitch.
You want some, Laura Ingalls?
'Cause this is real.
Oh, really?
Hey!
Hey!
No, I saw you looking at my man.
That is a weave!
Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!
Hey!
Stop!
Calm down.
God.
Calm down, all right?
Chill.
Who was she, Mo'nique on crack?
This is Harlem, baby.
You don't see me walkin' into Paddy McFadden's down in hell's kitchen stickin' my tongue down your throat.
Know your surroundings, Colleen A-and you gotta corral that-- that anger, man.
Tryin' to take on a bar full of pissed off sisters?
What are you thinkin'?
Yeah, I'm not scared of them, Shawn.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
No.
No, no.
And I'm not scared of marrying you either.
If you just hang in with me, I know I can do this, ok?
I want to do this.
I'm not gonna say yes just because you--'cause you want me to, all right?
You're scary, baby.
But not as scary as the prospect of bein' married to a drunk.
I need some time to think about this.
Ok.
Ok, so take some time.
I'm not going anywhere.
Good.
But if you do, make sure you don't go anywhere above 110th Street.
Sisters are lookin' to cut you deep.
I'm shitting my pants.
Hey, I love you.
I must be out of my goddamn mind.
Uh, Lou, you really think that's the best idea after everything we just did for you?
What?
It's a powerbar.
It's a snickers.
You have your power.
I have mine.
Hey, man.
We need to talk, Tommy.
Ok, that's our cue.
Sit down.
Wait a minute.
Is this like a family thing?
Yeah, it is a family thing.
As much as you assholes wanna deny it, you're all in the goddamn family.
Sit down.
Shit.
Great.
Not only can we not catch a fire, now we're all part of the de facto Gavin clan.
Lucky us.
Colleen proposed to me.
What?
She asked you?
Yeah.
That's right.
She got down on one knee, showed me a ring, and she proposed.
Sounds a little backwards.
Yeah, well, in the Gavin family station wagon, reverse is drive.
Yeah, that's actually a good point.
I mean, it's clear that the women have the balls in that family.
I mean, didn't Maggie propose to Garrity?
She did, as a matter of fact.
Thanks for bringin' it up.
Want some lemon juice to pour in that wound?
Yeah, how'd that, uh-- how'd that work out, by the way?
You know, it was the best 8 months of my life, really.
I left with a rosy outlook on relationships, not to mention the nightmares and the scars, actual physical scars.
You gotta get a girlfriend, dude.
Yeah, well, clearly he can't rope one.
You know, maybe he needs a cat.
Ok, you know what, guys?
Why don't we all shut up and let the kid finish what he had to say.
Let me guess.
You said yes, and you came down here to give me the finger and gloat.
No.
I came to ask for your blessing.
Now--now you want my blessing.
Listen, Tom, I respect you, and it wasn't right for me not to ask you for Colleen's hand.
I was just so worried and caught up not knowing what she was gonna say, and it didn't cross my mind how you would feel.
And I haven't given her my answer just yet.
In light of all of your knowledge and wisdom and experience in the matter of marriage, I came to ask if you think I should marry your daughter.
And whatever you decide, Tom, I'm gonna respect that decision.
Really?
So whatever I say is what goes.
That's very classy.
And I say...
no.
Aww.
Ohh, man.
No.
Wow.
Aww.
That's cold, Tom.
Thanks for asking.
Yeah, Colleen, it's me.
Yes, I will marry you.
Oh, shit.
What?
I'll call you later.
What?
I respect you.
Now it's time for you to respect me.
Ok, dad?
Wait a minute.
Is that it?
'Cause if that's how it begins, I can't wait to see how it ends.
Goddamn it.
Let's go.
Ladder.
Battalion.
Button up your coats, boys.
We got a live one.
Yeah.
Whoo!
Might be a big mother, too.
Could go 4 alarms.
Is anybody inside?
We got 3 adjoined tenements, fully stocked.
Yeah.
That's what I'm talkin' about, man.
It's like Christmas all over.
♪ I've got the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow...
♪ Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's go!
Move 'em over.
♪ What a world, what a life, I'm in love...
♪ Step aside.
Let the master do it.
Old school.
Let's check out across the hall.
♪ Anytime I move my finger, lucky me, can't you see I'm in love?
Life is a beautiful thing as long as I hold the string, I'd be a silly so-and-so if I should ever let it go, I got the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, got the string around my finger, what a world, what a life, I'm in love life is a beautiful thing, as long as I hold the string, I'd be a silly so-and-so if I should ever let it go, I got the world on a string...
♪ All right, fellas, come on.
We're takin' up and headin' back to quarters.
Ah, chief, come on.
We just got here.
Frank, the fire's been over for 2 hours.
You gonna overhaul the whole goddamn neighborhood?
You two, get your asses down here.
Come on, chief.
We're just gettin' started.
You can fill your tanks and clean your tools when we get home.
She--she's beautiful.
She's dead.
You wouldn't have known if I was holding her or if she was holding me.
That's how incredible the experience was.
Which one did you tell first, you goddamn liar, your girlfriend or your wife?
They were both here.
They knew the whole story.
They--they were here?
You have a department physical coming up, a physical you are guaranteed not to pass, and you want me to get you off the hook, give you a clean bill of health, lie to the FDNY.
This is all I know how to do, doc.
I don't fish.
I don't golf.
I fight fires.
The only way that I will have this kid is if y promise to be a normal, close-to-home dad.
I gotta say, honey, you look gorgeous right now.
I know.
What are you laughin' at?
You and Janet, what's-- what is this?
You guys have the brotherhood, so we have the motherhood.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Does that surprise you or scare you?
Heh.
50-50.
That's disgusting.
What if she lost 250 pounds?
She's dead.
I know.
So she can't lose any weight, 'cause she's dead.
Still no fires?
Nah, nah, nah, man.
Like, the last tour, caught what, 4 frozen water pipes, a kitten stuck in a toilet, and a busted steam valve in a subway stop, like, nothin'n 3 weeks.
3 goddamn weeks in the city without a goddamn fire.
The last time we had the ladder up was Garrity goin' up to make sure the water bucket was full.
What water bucket?
Oh, direct hit.
Oh, man, that was a good one.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!
I feel bad for you, Mike.
I mean, what is this, like, the fifth time?
This year.
There's not a third one, is there, guys?
No, Mike.
No third one.
Your job is done here.
Thank you.
Go dry off.
Hey.
Hey, since when do you ask my daughter to marry you without askin' my permission first?
Huh?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
No, no, no.
You hold on, ok?
She went on a giant bender after that, jerk-off.
Oh, you pointin' fingers at me now?
I'm pointin' fingers at you-- No, no, no.
She went on a giant bender 'cause she got some goofy-ass DNA from you, Tommy.
Hey, Tom.
Tom, come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't have to ask you permission for shit.
Whoa, man.
Hey, what the hell is this?
News crew.
What?
It's a news crew.
Hey, knock it off, you animals.
It's almost time for my close-up.
What's going on?
Hi.
Pam Kepp.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
This is the news chick.
Excuse me.
Reporter.
For what?
This is the Jimmy thing.
What Jimmy thing?
The news piece they're doin' on Jimmy.
Relax.
It's ok.
This is a good thing.
What do you mean it's a good thing?
What kind of good thing?
Wait.
All right, let's go.
Get out.
No.
Come on, Tommy.
Whoa, whoa!
Hey, asshole!
I'm the asshole?
Let me tell you somethin', pal.
See that guy, the face up on the plaque that you got your cameras and your other shit pointed at?
That's my cousin, all right?
My best friend.
What do you think this is, like, the baseball hall of fame?
You just waltz in here and start takin' pictures of plaques?
He was a fireman, not a goddamn first baseman.
Anybody that does anything about him, they gotta talk to me first.
And here's me talkin'.
Get out.
Let's go.
We should shoot this.
What'd you say, asshole?
Hey, come on, Tommy.
Hey, Tom!
No, Tom!
All right, that's enough!
That's enough!
Let it go!
Get him out of here!
Christ, Tom, you know?
Tom, come on.
Will you relax, please?
Tommy, I swear to God, you make a move, we're gonna have to kick your ass to the curb, ok?
Whose idea was this?
It was cleared by HQ.
They got official papers and everything, all right?
Oh, really?
Signed by who?
Sheila.
Bullshit.
It's not bullshit.
We saw the papers.
Look, Tommy, they're doin', like, a 9/11 10th-anniversary special thing, ok?
Oh, really?
Yeah.
What's their angle, huh, Franco?
What, is it the 9/11 conspiracy?
Is that their angle?
Or maybe it's the, you know, our crew didn't do the job they were supposed to do that day, Lou, huh?
Maybe that's the angle, huh?
- No.
Or maybe it's the whole department that they're gonna blame.
- No.
Or how 'bout maybe that I slept with my cousin's wife.
Is that what they're goin' for?
Yeah.
Tom, look, they--they picked out 6 guys who were there that day, ok?
Jimmy's one of 'em.
It's like an hour-long special, ok?
6 random guys.
That's the story.
That's it.
It is a hero piece.
In Jimmy's case, they're gonna talk about Damian, too.
You know, family bloodlines, the baby that he saved.
- Yeah.
Hero blood, not boozehound blood.
Huh.
I'm puttin' an end to this shit right now.
Where are you goin'?
Lou, call somebody and get 'em to cover for me.
What do you mean, cover for you?
What--you know, it's kind of short notice, Tom.
You got any suggestions?
No.
I mean, doesn't even have to be a fireman.
Leaky steam valves and frozen pipes?
Get a goddamn plumber, for Christ's sake.
Oh, sure.
Like it's so easy to find a goddamn plumber.
♪ On another day, c'mon, c'mon, with these ropes tied tight, can we do no wrong, now we grieve 'cause now is gone, things were good when we were young, when my teeth bite down, I can see the blood of a thousand men who have come and gone, now we grieve 'cause now is gone, things were good when we were young, is it safe to say?
C'mon, c'mon was it right to leave?
C'mon, c'mon will I ever learn?
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon ♪ Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com All right.
I want some answers.
What the hell is goin' on with this Jimmy TV thing?
Shh.
You're gonna wake the baby.
You know what?
I'm gonna wake the dead if I don't start gettin' some answers around here.
You know, I was--came from the firehouse.
Your little, uh, new best friend here-- yes, gave her permission for the news to do a story about Jimmy Keefe.
I most certainly did.
It was my idea, actually.
What-- yep.
They called me, and they asked me about it, and...
And she called me.
We discussed it.
She called them back and gave them the go-ahead.
Really?
With no input from me?
Ok, this has absolutely nothing to do with you.
What-- Sheil, honey, could you pass me the scrub sponge, please?
Yes.
I will trade you the, uh, paper towels.
Absolutely.
Thank you.
Forgot to tell you that I love these 2-plys so much.
I do, too.
As a matter of fact, write that down.
2-ply paper towels on the list for when you go to the store.
You smell good.
You smell good.
What are you wearing?
Heh.
The vanilla that you gave me.
You are not wearing that vanilla.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
All right, I have had enough of this best-friend bullshit, ok?
We're gonna--we're gonna lay a few laws down in this house right now.
Ok?
I-I'm the boss around here, ok?
I'm tired of bein' treated like, uh, you know, I'm some kind of a--a Mexican errand boy.
Ok?
Yeah.
Right.
Now we go shoppin' when I say we go shoppin', ok?
And when it comes to Jimmy, I got a lot of stuff to say.
Ok?
So from now on, strap yourselves in, sisters, ok?
'Cause it's gonna be a ride that's driven by me, ok?
What do you think about that?
Startin' now.
Right now.
What?
You are so insensitive.
Hey, I am not-- You really are.
You're a cave man.
I said it.
You have no say when it comes to Jimmy Keefe.
No say!
I mean, he was my husband.
He's still my husband.
You don't own his memory.
I do.
I mean, it's 10 years later, and no one remembers his name.
- No.
Ok, half of this country doesn't even know how many firemen died that day.
And we don't have to worry about your indiscretions, because we are in control of this story.
Of--of my--what about your stuff?
You both did stuff.
A lot--what's wrong with you?
I'm f-fat.
You--ok, listen.
You are-- You're not fat.
All right?
I'm huge.
Look at my thighs.
You don't--bare--you have extra calves instead of thighs.
What are you talking about?
My jeans do not fit.
My ankles are bloated, ok?
And I'm a blimp.
No, you're not.
I'm such a blimp.
Ok, you--you wanna de-blimp?
Uh-huh.
Ok.
Go sit next to your mother.
That ought to put things in perspective.
Heh heh.
Ohh.
No.
Wait.
No, no, no, no.
No.
That did--that didn't-- No.
No.
See, I did--listen.
Hey.
I didn't.
No, no, no.
I didn't say fat.
She said fat.
I--I said--I said perspective.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you just called mom a blimp.
No, I never said, "mom," and, "blimp," in the same sentence.
I--I-- you know--you know, auntie Sheila's right, ok?
Uncle Jimmy, he deserves to be on that TV show, and he's gonna be on that TV show, because he was a hero, and everybody's gonna watch it, and everybody's gonna see it, and they're gonna see what a hero he was.
A-and mom's not fat.
She's pregnant!
Ok.
It's ok.
It's ok, honey.
Are you ok?
And you know what, sweetie?
Ok, you are not fat.
No.
There's a list of stuff we need from the store, and we need it right now.
You are non-sized.
This is--"tampons, motrin."
Are you guys all, you know-- what do you call it?
Doin' the-- at the same time?
Yeah.
It's called cycling, ok?
Ok.
Cycling.
Now why don't you get Lance Armstrong to go to the goddamn pharmacy for you?
'Cause I'll tell you somethin' right now.
I'm not goin'.
I am not goin' to the-- to the vagina aisle.
Ohh.
Jeez.
Ahh.
Can we help you, sir?
Ahh.
No.
I'm good.
Good.
Are you ok?
Yeah, yeah.
Just, uh--good.
You know this is the feminine hygiene aisle?
- Yeah.
It's not the men's cologne section.
Uh-huh.
I have a list of stuff.
Vagisil?
Vagisil don't come in a spray can, sir.
Yeah.
Must be pervert week.
All right, man.
Let's go.
That--that's ok.
I know him.
He--he's married.
He has a couple daughters.
Let me see.
You know her?
Um, yeah.
You know what?
And this writing's way too neat to be a guy's writing.
I'm sure they sent him down here to get this stuff.
This messy part's probably yours.
What does that say? "
T-tand..."
Hand lotion.
I have very dry hands.
I can vouch for him.
The hand lotion's in aisle 5.
Show's over, folks.
Move along.
Thank you.
Kelly, what are you doin' here?
Buying shampoo. "
Tampax pearl, always with wings, kotex-light days."
Holy shit.
What, are all the girls in your house on the same cycle?
Oh, yeah.
Major cycle.
It's kinda like the tour de pants.
Heh.
I can help you get this.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
What's, uh--what's goin' on?
Um, I got cancer.
I moved into an apartment over here because it's closer to where my medical torture takes place.
This says 2 tubes of preparation h?
Yeah.
Well, one's for my wife, and the other one's for, uh--Sheila's under-eye--you-- you remember Sheila.
Yes.
Joe Pesci with tits.
Yeah.
Ok. "
Carefree pantyliners for thongs."
Who's pregnant?
My wife.
4 months and...
And you're still seeing the tit bull?
No, no, no, no.
No.
They're actually kind of seeing each other.
They both went lesbo?
No.
I wish.
They're, uh, like, best friends, believe it or not.
So your wife is 4 months pregnant, and she's best friends with your ex-mistress?
Yeah.
I think you're gonna need more than one bottle of hand lotion.
You should check, see if they sell it by the case.
Hmm.
Here.
You need this for your eyes?
Yes.
Thank you.
Ow.
Ohh.
Man, that stuff stings.
Heh heh.
Yeah.
So, uh, cancer.
Is it, uh--is it serious?
It's cancer.
Right.
Of course.
Yeah.
What--what is-- breast.
I'm down one.
One?
Breast.
Ah.
Right.
But you're-- you're ok?
Oh, yeah.
Every day is a party.
Guess which one.
Hmm?
Can you guess which one's fake?
You--you want me to-- that one?
Wrong.
Looks like you're buyin' the coffee.
And I think that we should get you some chocolate.
Choc--why?
Hey, yo, Lou, where you at?
Come on, man.
Everybody's on the rig.
Let's go.
Where is he?
Right here.
Hey, man, come on.
You don't hear everybody yellin' for you?
We're all on the rig waitin'.
I ain't goin'.
What?
I ain't goin'.
You ain't goin'?
What, are you takin' a mutual or somethin'?
No.
Ok, so you're not goin' now.
You're not goin' later.
I mean, what?
You know some way around takin' the annual physical?
'Cause, please, clue us in.
Nobody wants to go downtown today.
Why don't you guys just go and leave me alone, all right?
Hello.
If you don't take the medical, they'll pull you off duty.
If I take the medical, they'll pull me.
All right, you wanna tell us what's goin' on?
I got some health issues, all right?
It's not a big thing.
All right, but it's obviously enough of a thing that if the doctors find out, you'll be out the door, right?
I mean, exactly how serious is this?
I mean, I feel like I got a right to ask, considering you keel over in a fire, my ass is probably gonna burn up tryin' to save yours.
I got some heart problems.
Well, yeah.
No shit.
We broke you out of the hospital, remember?
I know.
Since then.
Jesus.
The doctor says it's gonna be all right, you know, if I start exercising, lose some weight, you know, get in shape.
Mm-hmm.
All of which you ain't doin'.
Well, I'm startin' soon.
Well, you didn't start soon enough, did you, asshole?
Which brings us to today, with you sittin' your ass on this couch while everybody else is waitin' out on the rig.
I mean, look, Lou, I got a lot of respect for you, ok?
Half of what I know as a firefighter--shit, 75% of what I know, I learned from you.
But come on, brother.
You gotta get your shit together.
What am I gonna do?
Well, it's Lou, right?
We gotta do somethin'.
Yeah.
Look, come on, man.
Just--just get on the rig, ok?
We'll figure somethin' out on the way downtown.
What are we gonna figure out?
I don't know.
How to have a guy take a complete head-to-toe physical without actually takin' it.
We got twinkies on the rig.
Ok, I can take that for you.
You boys got all your paperwork filled out, ready to go?
Yeah.
Good to go, chief.
Locked and loaded.
I'm gonna hit the head downstairs.
Enjoy.
All right.
Thank you.
All right, fellas.
I'm goin' to get a cup of coffee, but I will leave you with this thought.
When the doctor checks your prostate, it will not be the last time the FDNY gives it to you in the ass.
Godspeed.
Don't clench.
Thanks.
Yo, this shit is never gonna work.
How we gonna get away with this?
Hey, look, man, I'm the first one to admit it's crazy, bro.
You never even been through this shit before.
It's, like, 10, 12 different doctors in 10 or 12 different rooms, you know.
It's gonna be fine.
There's, like, a million guys that go through here.
Yeah.
They might not even notice.
And if they do notice, that's our asses.
Let's just assume everything's gonna go well, ok?
We'll cross that bridge if we come to it, ok?
Hey!
62 truck!
Just a minute!
One second!
All right, remember who you're supposed to be and in what room, ok?
All right, 62 truck, on 3.
1, 2, 3.
62 truck.
Black Shawn, you're up first.
Let's go.
All right, come on.
Move.
Lou, let's go.
What?
What?
To the bathroom.
To the bathroom.
For what?
So you can blow me.
To swap shirts.
Come on.
The plan.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Was he just sleepin' over there?
You're doing very well, lieutenant Shea.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Piece of cake.
125 over 80.
That's a major improvement over last year, lieutenant, uh, Shea.
Yep.
That's me, lieutenant Shea.
Lieutenant Kenneth Shea.
Uh, you know, they call me Lou, because Lou-ten-ant is, you know--the Lou goes for--the Lou in the tenant.
So--ahem.
Yeah, says so right here on this shirt.
Lieutenant Shea.
My shirt.
Ok.
Ok.
Ahem.
Here we go.
Mmh.
Ahem.
Yeah, I don't know if I can do this with you starin' at me, doc.
I-- I'm a medical professional, lieutenant Shea.
I do this kind of thing every day.
Well, I don't--I'm--I'm a little stage fright.
I get pee shy.
Do you mind turnin' around?
We're required to observe.
I mean, it's not like I can see your-- otherwise, I'm gonna stand here all day with my dick in my hand.
I can do that at home.
I do do that at home, actually.
Heh heh.
No, I don't really.
Fine.
Ok, thanks, doc.
Here we go.
Ok.
Ahem.
Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls.
Hudson River.
Pouring rain.
Tidal waves.
Water fountains.
Anything?
No.
Nothing.
Shit.
Could you turn the sink on, maybe?
That--the running water might help, you know?
Thanks, doc.
Ok.
Oh, yeah.
Much better.
Ok.
Come on, baby.
Work your magic.
There she goes.
Huh?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh-oh.
Uh, ooh, can you turn that off?
Please turn it off.
Uh, ooh.
Turn it off.
I'm gonna need another cup, doc.
Say again.
I'm fillin' this one up pretty quick.
Well, just pinch it off.
Yeah, I'm tryin'.
I, uh-- kegels.
Kegels.
Uh--kegels.
Thank you.
Ok.
You got it?
Oh, man.
God.
Oh, boy.
I'm gonna fill this one up, too.
Shit.
Shouldn't have had all that coffee this morning.
Can I get another cup?
Thanks.
Thanks, doc.
Ok, here you go.
Ready?
Makin' the transfer.
Ok.
Phew.
Yeah.
Ooh, boy.
I'm gonna need another cup.
Heh heh.
I'm all out of cups.
Yeah.
I--I need another cup, or I'm gonna piss all over your floor, doc.
Seriously.
Could you hurry up?
Oh, God, you monkey.
That's, uh...
Oh, Jesus.
Son of a bitch.
Got 'em.
Holy shit!
Aah!
I don't know what to say.
Something funny.
I'm so tired of concerned looks and sympathetic smiles.
Funny.
Funny shit, that's what I want.
Ok.
Um, I've always had a thing for Bruce Willis.
Yeah.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
I've never been compared to a male action hero before.
Except I did see this one guy that nicknamed me Jackie Chan, but that was because of this thing I did, and it--never mind.
I took it as a compliment.
Yeah, I got a weird compliment from my wife and my ex-girlfriend the other day.
Said I had girl legs.
Oh, yeah.
Girl legs.
And girl hair and girl ass.
I wonder who you'd look like in some of my dresses.
One more operation, we'll both have the same bra size.
Is that what they're sayin', that you're gonna--they're gonna take the other one?
No, but you gotta be ready for anything, right?
And I have to say that this whole thing has really--I don't know--made me focus on the real, actual, tangible, important things in life.
Like?
Tits.
No, I don't know.
I don't know.
This shrink's roaming the hallway of the cancer ward, wants to talk about my feelings and my family and my bullshit.
I don't know, my legacy.
They wanna know what I want my legacy to be.
And?
Well, I don't know.
What's your legacy?
Uh, my kids, I guess.
And-- unless I, uh, got killed in the line of duty, and then that would be my, you know--you know, I get a plaque.
Where's the plaque?
In the firehouse.
Is there something for all the guys that died in 9/11?
Yeah.
I mean, each firehouse, we have stuff up, you know, for my cousin and the other guys, but, um, next to ground zero, there's a firehouse outside.
They have a really impressive, uh, wall that they put up with all 343 names.
It's, you know...
And are there pictures?
No, no.
Just the names.
Well, that just doesn't-- I don't know--seem like enough, does it?
Don't you think for the public, there should be a picture to go with the name?
A face?
Wouldn't you want there to be a picture of your cousin somewhere so everybody could know what he looked like?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That'd be-- yeah.
Maybe that's what I should do.
What, put pictures of my cousin--what?
No, for me.
I mean, there's gotta be a picture of my tit somewhere.
I think Billy Squier took a picture of my tits once.
Or maybe it was Billy Ocean.
Which one's the black guy?
Billy Ocean was the black guy.
I smoked a lot of weed in the eighties, too.
It was really hard to remember.
Thank God.
Or maybe I could get a plaster cast made of my tit and turn it into a paperweight or tea cup.
Well, now, I'd buy a couple of those.
For old times' sake?
Yeah, and also to, uh--to put in my dress, fill it out, you know.
Couple of those things, one of your dresses, and, uh, the space I got between my teeth, I think I could give, uh, Lauren Hutton a run for her money.
Ok, pay up.
I have chemo in a half-hour.
Oh, yeah.
Ok.
Come on, man.
Hurry up, brother.
You gotta get your blood drawn.
Let's go.
Well, I can't do that without my goddamn shirt.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Now, look, I'm gonna meet you back here.
Come on, man.
Take it off.
All right, well, give me yours.
You know, if we get caught, the shit is gonna hit the fan big time.
Nobody's gonna know but us.
Come on.
Give it to me.
Oh, God.
It's tight.
Yeah.
So you want me to drop you at the hospital?
No, no.
It's only a couple of blocks.
I like the air.
Gives me time to get ready.
Besides, there's a really cute doctor workin' on my case that I kinda have the hots for, and I don't want him to think I have a boyfriend.
What?
I--I just think that's great that you still have a, you know, sex drive.
Well, it's more like a curiosity drive, really, you know, if I can get a guy to like me based on just my personality, what I say, how I say it, no hair, half the recommended cleavage.
Maybe that's your, uh, legacy.
Maybe.
This was fun.
You should call me, same cell.
Ok.
Later?
No.
Later, I'll be gray and dizzy and angry.
Kind of reminds me of when I was drinkin'.
You quit?
Yeah.
Had to.
I, um--I got a call from the Jameson's people.
They wanted to give me a, uh, lifetime achievement award.
Took that as a bad sign, so...
See, that would look great on you.
Nah.
It's the wrong cut.
Makes me look too hippy.
Ha ha.
Well, you better get that stuff home before it turns into "Night of the Living Dead" at your place.
Yeah.
All right.
See ya later.
Bye.
Bye.
Yo, I got the lung test next.
Who am I, me or Lou?
Uh, hold on for a second.
Lung test.
Lung test.
Lung test, you're you.
I'm Lou for the lung test.
Weight test, you're Lou.
Lung test, me.
Weight, Lou.
Yeah.
Lung, me.
Weight, Lou.
Lung, me.
Weight, Lou.
Lung, me.
Weight, Lou.
Yeah.
Aw, son of a bitch--I hope you appreciate what we're doin' for you, pal.
Talk about takin' a bullet.
I just got, like, 16 shots.
Hepatitis B--give me that.
I got a tetanus shot.
I even got the TB test.
You douche bag...
ow!
You weren't supposed to do that, asshole.
He was supposed to get his own shots.
We decided that was one thing he could do without gettin' himself into trouble.
Shit.
Yeah, double shit.
That means you gotta go back later today and get those shots over again for yourself.
What?
Seano, like I said when I broke it down the first time, if you cover part of the physical for Lou, you gotta go back later today and finish those parts, do 'em over again for yourself.
Otherwise, your physical comes up incomplete.
Wait a second.
I got an idea.
What?
If I'm gettin' all of Lou's shots and then Lou gets all of my shots...
yeah.
Then it should turn out all right.
You know what I'm saying?
Lou.
Hey, Lou.
Where the hell'd he go?
Damn it.
Hey, can you, uh, die from getting too many shots?
I don't know, Seano.
I guess we're gonna find out.
Sick of needles!
How's it goin', Frank?
Chief.
Uh, all good.
So I heard.
You see Feinberg?
No.
No, no.
But I been in and out with the white coats all day, so, you know...
I can't find him anywhere, and I checked every shitter in this place.
Oh.
Ahem.
I checked every shitter in this place.
Shit.
Somethin' you wanna tell me, Frank?
Concerning?
You, Lou...
um, well, you know, chief, all due respect, if I answer that question, you're probably not really gonna like what you hear.
So this is like a don't ask, don't tell situation?
Exactly.
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, shit.
What's wrong now?
Man, I knew somethin' was gonna get screwed up.
Lou is supposed to be takin' his own mental evaluation.
Ok.
Well, who's doin' it?
I mean, when I say I masturbate a lot, I mean, you know, one person's "a lot" can be a-another person's "not so much," right?
And--and I think there have been times when I haven't, like, masturbated for, like, a full day.
O-or 2 days, even.
But like they say, it's good for you, right?
Good for your pro state?
Prostate.
Yeah, all that stuff.
Are we done yet?
Just a few more questions, lieutenant.
Oh, I'm not a lieutenant.
I mean, yes, I'm a lieutenant.
Why would you say you weren't a lieutenant, lieutenant Shea?
Shame.
Why do I smell urine?
Nervous?
Hey, wandering Jew, what the hell are you doin'?
What the hell are you doin' lockin' me out of this building.
I didn't lock you out of anywhere.
Oh, come on, you little shit.
Turn my back on you for 2 seconds, and right away, you're conspiring against me.
Open the goddamn door!
This isn't the medical building.
The medical building's 2 blocks that way.
No.
I just--I just came out of here.
You went to go to the bathroom an hour ago.
No one's seen you since.
What the hell is goin' on?
Why are we standing here, talking?
I don't wanna talk to you about this.
Come on.
Let's go.
Sidney.
It's this way.
Asshole.
Ok, girls.
Where the hell have you been?
Yeah, what'd you do, crawl there and back?
Nah, I was-- and why do you smell like feminine hygiene spray?
Yeah.
Tropical breeze.
Oh, it was--I-- this was an emergency, Tommy.
What part of that did you not understand?
I--you know-- for Christ's sakes, it's like we have to spell everything out to you.
Ooh, dear God.
Girls, chocolate.
He got chocolate.
He got chocolate.
You got chocolate.
And it's from France!
Yes.
Oh.
He got chocolate.
Dad, you smell good.
Thank you, honey.
And you know what, girls?
I was thinkin', uh, while I was makin' my little trip, um, about the whole Jimmy TV thing, and you know what?
I--I rethought it, and I think it's a good idea.
I think it would be great for his legacy.
I think it's kind of a no-brainer, and, uh, I'm in.
Why is--why is that so funny?
Oh, honey, that's sweet.
He's in.
He's so in.
Yeah, your interview's next week.
What?
Mm, me and Lou and needles and Franco were doin' ours this week, and then you are doing yours last so that we can make sure that you talk and act good.
Whoa.
Th-this is what you guys were discussing while I was gone?
Oh, my God.
I think I just swallowed some crystallized lavender.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Crystallized lavender?
Oh, it is heavenly delicious.
Ok.
No, listen.
While you were gone, we were crying and cleaning and cursing your very existence.
The interviews, we set up last week.
Well, you can just unset it 'cause I'm not doin' it.
Ok?
A-and I--number one, because you didn't ask m and number 2, because if you had asked me, I would have said, "Yeah, I'll do the interview.
When hell freezes over."
Ok?
So you just, uh, call back whoever it is you have to call back and you tell 'em Tommy Gavin is not...
What should I wear?
So looking through your results for all of your tests today, your--your blood pressure's great.
Uh, your weight is down very nicely from last year.
It's, uh, 165.
Yeah.
I, uh--I don't carry it well.
A little in here.
EKG, good.
Stress test, very good.
Uh, lung capacity's excellent.
Well, pays to take care of yourself, I always say.
All right, look, blood, hearing, vision's all good.
The only red flag seems to be from your mental wellness evaluation, and, uh, the psychiatrist strongly recommended that you seek counseling for your issues involving excessive masturbation, uh, occasional incontinence, and your latent homosexuality.
All right.
Um, I'll get right on that.
And, hey, I wanted to say you guys just do a great job down here.
You know, I was kinda dreading coming down here for this physical, but this year was easiest it's ever been.
Well--heh-- just one more thing.
And I spoke too soon.
Hi.
What are you doin' here?
Uh, Franco said you sometimes come here.
How many have you had?
4.
Doing the trick?
It's club soda, Colleen, all right?
Unlike some people, I have dignity.
I don't need to drink that hard shit like you and your old man drink so much of.
Drank so much of.
Oh.
Of course.
Here comes the "thing of the past" speech, right?
Got drunk 'cause you were nervous, simple and clean.
You're just gonna blow it all away, right?
So you wanna come up here and give me my ring back so, you know--'cause you just couldn't handle it all.
It was just a little too much for you.
So why don't you get on with the show so I can get on with my life?
Shawn.
Another club soda for the gentleman.
Thanks.
Think she likes you.
Not as much as she dislikes you.
You know, brother sharing same space with a white girl.
Up in here, you know, we're not exactly a popular pair, all right?
Especially with the sisters.
Well, then they're gonna hate my white Irish ass for this.
What you doin'?
Shawn Johnston, I want you to marry me.
Uh, ahem.
Let's take this outside.
No.
Ok, I know you don't think I can handle it, but I can.
I can.
Stop it.
I can.
I'll be ready.
Shh.
Ha ha.
She's just so silly.
I mean, yeah, been doin' a little drinking.
You know, she's got a bit of a drinking problem.
Hey, no, no, no.
I am in the program, ok?
I just had a little slip.
I hear that, sister.
What makes you think the lily-white bitch can't hack it?
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow your roll, all right?
Watch your mouth.
She's not a bitch.
Oh, yeah?
No, I'm the bitch that's gonna slap that weave off your head, bitch.
You want some, Laura Ingalls?
'Cause this is real.
Oh, really?
Hey!
Hey!
No, I saw you looking at my man.
That is a weave!
Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!
Hey!
Stop!
Calm down.
God.
Calm down, all right?
Chill.
Who was she, Mo'nique on crack?
This is Harlem, baby.
You don't see me walkin' into Paddy McFadden's down in hell's kitchen stickin' my tongue down your throat.
Know your surroundings, Colleen A-and you gotta corral that-- that anger, man.
Tryin' to take on a bar full of pissed off sisters?
What are you thinkin'?
Yeah, I'm not scared of them, Shawn.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
No.
No, no.
And I'm not scared of marrying you either.
If you just hang in with me, I know I can do this, ok?
I want to do this.
I'm not gonna say yes just because you--'cause you want me to, all right?
You're scary, baby.
But not as scary as the prospect of bein' married to a drunk.
I need some time to think about this.
Ok.
Ok, so take some time.
I'm not going anywhere.
Good.
But if you do, make sure you don't go anywhere above 110th Street.
Sisters are lookin' to cut you deep.
I'm shitting my pants.
Hey, I love you.
I must be out of my goddamn mind.
Uh, Lou, you really think that's the best idea after everything we just did for you?
What?
It's a powerbar.
It's a snickers.
You have your power.
I have mine.
Hey, man.
We need to talk, Tommy.
Ok, that's our cue.
Sit down.
Wait a minute.
Is this like a family thing?
Yeah, it is a family thing.
As much as you assholes wanna deny it, you're all in the goddamn family.
Sit down.
Shit.
Great.
Not only can we not catch a fire, now we're all part of the de facto Gavin clan.
Lucky us.
Colleen proposed to me.
What?
She asked you?
Yeah.
That's right.
She got down on one knee, showed me a ring, and she proposed.
Sounds a little backwards.
Yeah, well, in the Gavin family station wagon, reverse is drive.
Yeah, that's actually a good point.
I mean, it's clear that the women have the balls in that family.
I mean, didn't Maggie propose to Garrity?
She did, as a matter of fact.
Thanks for bringin' it up.
Want some lemon juice to pour in that wound?
Yeah, how'd that, uh-- how'd that work out, by the way?
You know, it was the best 8 months of my life, really.
I left with a rosy outlook on relationships, not to mention the nightmares and the scars, actual physical scars.
You gotta get a girlfriend, dude.
Yeah, well, clearly he can't rope one.
You know, maybe he needs a cat.
Ok, you know what, guys?
Why don't we all shut up and let the kid finish what he had to say.
Let me guess.
You said yes, and you came down here to give me the finger and gloat.
No.
I came to ask for your blessing.
Now--now you want my blessing.
Listen, Tom, I respect you, and it wasn't right for me not to ask you for Colleen's hand.
I was just so worried and caught up not knowing what she was gonna say, and it didn't cross my mind how you would feel.
And I haven't given her my answer just yet.
In light of all of your knowledge and wisdom and experience in the matter of marriage, I came to ask if you think I should marry your daughter.
And whatever you decide, Tom, I'm gonna respect that decision.
Really?
So whatever I say is what goes.
That's very classy.
And I say...
no.
Aww.
Ohh, man.
No.
Wow.
Aww.
That's cold, Tom.
Thanks for asking.
Yeah, Colleen, it's me.
Yes, I will marry you.
Oh, shit.
What?
I'll call you later.
What?
I respect you.
Now it's time for you to respect me.
Ok, dad?
Wait a minute.
Is that it?
'Cause if that's how it begins, I can't wait to see how it ends.
Goddamn it.
Let's go.
Ladder.
Battalion.
Button up your coats, boys.
We got a live one.
Yeah.
Whoo!
Might be a big mother, too.
Could go 4 alarms.
Is anybody inside?
We got 3 adjoined tenements, fully stocked.
Yeah.
That's what I'm talkin' about, man.
It's like Christmas all over.
♪ I've got the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow...
♪ Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's go!
Move 'em over.
♪ What a world, what a life, I'm in love...
♪ Step aside.
Let the master do it.
Old school.
Let's check out across the hall.
♪ Anytime I move my finger, lucky me, can't you see I'm in love?
Life is a beautiful thing as long as I hold the string, I'd be a silly so-and-so if I should ever let it go, I got the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, got the string around my finger, what a world, what a life, I'm in love life is a beautiful thing, as long as I hold the string, I'd be a silly so-and-so if I should ever let it go, I got the world on a string...
♪ All right, fellas, come on.
We're takin' up and headin' back to quarters.
Ah, chief, come on.
We just got here.
Frank, the fire's been over for 2 hours.
You gonna overhaul the whole goddamn neighborhood?
You two, get your asses down here.
Come on, chief.
We're just gettin' started.
You can fill your tanks and clean your tools when we get home.