Programma Televisivo: Everybody Loves Raymond - 2x21
There's nobody home.
I wonder what that's Iike.
How was your cIass today, dear?
Did the chiIdren Iisten to you?
I teach traffic schooI, Ma.
-Since when?
-Since today.
Lots of cops do it, you know.
Chance to earn a IittIe spending money.
How about spending a IittIe on rent?
There may not be any money.
-Got my first student evaIuations today.
-Yeah?
What did they say, dear?
You want to know what they say?
Okay, Ma, here's what they say: This cIass is a sure cure for insomnia. "
Next time, just pIease take away my Iicense."
That's just a coupIe of peopIe.
Who cares what they say? "
After 1 0 minutes, I wanted to take the officer's gun and end my misery."
I stink.
Come on, Robert.
It was your first time teaching.
Yeah?
The supervisor said it might be my Iast.
He's sitting in on my cIass tomorrow.
Well, that's not fair.
You probabIy just need a IittIe practice.
It's really not the type of thing you can practice.
-It's all about reIating to peopIe.
-You're a dead man.
Honey, Iisten.
You can practice on me, dear.
Come on, give me one of your routines.
-What?
-One of your traffic things.
Come on.
Let's just say I'm a crazy driver....
Shut up, Frank.
And I get caught.
Now I've got to go to Robbie's Traffic SchooI.
It's not called "Robbie's Traffic SchooI," Ma!
It doesn't matter.
All right, Iet's pretend I'm a person.
Shut up, Frank.
-Hey, you know what wouId heIp me?
-What?
-If I couId practice on all of you.
-What?
Yeah, we got enough for a cIass right here.
No, you don't.
-Good night.
-No.
Stop!
Let me waIk you home, Dad.
It's dark out.
-Ray.
-What?
Robert, if you want to run some things by me, I'll be happy to heIp you.
And I'll heIp you, too, dear.
And Frank will, too.
I don't beIieve Frank will.
You couId Iearn a few things.
-There's nothing wrong with the way I drive.
-What about that squirreI you ran over?
He doubIed back.
-That squirreI wanted to die.
-Oh, pIease.
What about our maiIbox, Frank?
Did it want to die?
Don't you have an outstanding moving vioIation, Dad?
I wouIdn't say outstanding.
It was pretty good, though.
If you Iet me practice my cIass on you...
it'll take the ticket off your record and your insurance won't go up.
Wait a minute.
You can do that?
Then why don't you just sign the thing that says I went?
I didn't hear that, Dad.
All right, you didn't hear that.
Maybe you'd Iike to hear it from some of our finest presidents.
Dad!
All right.
If I have to stay, so does Ray.
He's got that traffic ticket he doesn't want to tell Debra about.
-Dad.
-What ticket?
What is happening?
Traffic schooI?
How Iong is this gonna be?
If you don't take any breaks, I can do a condensed version in three hours.
-What?
-Sweet crap!
Wait a minute.
How Iong is reguIar traffic schooI?
Eight hours.
And you're gonna have to go to that if you don't come to me.
That's right, I got all the papers you need right in here.
I'll go set up.
You have two minutes before we begin.
I suggest you all visit the Iavatories. "
Begin with introductions."
Hello, I am Sgt.
Robert CharIes Barone.
Sixteen years, NYPD.
And you are?
Hated by God.
I'm not doing this.
Ray, okay?
My name is Ray.
Hi, Ray.
-Debra.
-Good.
Hi, I'm Marie.
I'm Frank.
Sign my thing.
Now I wouId Iike to direct your attention to the board.
You will see, Speed Iimits... "
pedestrians, signs and signaIs of the highway--" Things that are boring.
-"...urban vs.
ruraI driving--" -Things I don't care about!
-"...insurance."
-TerribIy boring things!
That's enough, Raymond!
Now I wouId Iike each of you to tell us...
what offense Ied you to be here today.
Let's start with...
Raymond.
I killed my brother.
Traffic offense.
CouId you go Iie down in the driveway for a minute?
It says in the binder that each student must tell the offense they committed.
Yeah, come on.
Let's hear about your IittIe offense.
What?
It was nothing.
I ran over one of those orange cones, that's all.
Tell her why.
I don't remember, Dad.
I remember.
I was there.
It had something to do with a haIter top.
HaIted you pretty good.
Dad.
You know how these things happen.
You see somebody and you think they're naked.
Then you Iook and they're just wearing a beige top.
The next thing you know, you've run over a coupIe of cones.
ReckIess driving.
So you just ride around Iooking for naked?
-Well, if it won't come to me-- -Yeah.
Look, can we get back to the course, pIease?
Who can answer this question?
At 55 miIes an hour, you will traveI over 800 feet...
in 1 0 to 1 2 seconds.
So will an oncoming truck. "
To pass safeIy, how many feet will you need?"
-Dad.
-Sign my thing.
Come on!
What are you doing?
Robert, that question is really compIicated.
Is that something they wouId ask?
It's in the binder.
You know what?
Maybe we don't have to do this cIass exactIy Iike it is in the binder.
What do you mean?
The binder's not just a guide, Debra.
The binder is...
binding.
Shut up, Frank.
-What?
-You were about to do a bathroom joke.
A bathroom joke?
Yeah, about binding.
All right, Iook, Iet's focus, peopIe.
Rice.
-Look, pIease-- -Cheese.
That's enough!
-How about some-- -Bananas!
Things that are binding.
WouId you pIease....
These are safety issues.
And Iet's remember something: Driving is a priviIege, not a right.
Yams.
I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry, Robert.
-Don't apoIogize.
That was good.
Yams.
Sorry.
That expIains Iast Thanksgiving.
You're not heIping, Ma.
We're just having a IittIe fun.
-We're not here to have fun.
-Well, then, you're the man for the job.
-Maybe I'm not.
-Come on, Robert.
I'm just saying if we have to do this, why has it got to be torture?
I see.
I'm sorry this is torture.
I guess the student evaIuations were correct.
Oh, come on.
Stop feeIing sorry for yourseIf.
I'm just trying to give you advice.
And what is that advice, Raymond?
I don't know.
Lighten up.
Thank you very much.
Hey, you didn't sign my thing.
-What did you do?
-What?
He Ieft.
It breaks my heart, the way you treat your brother.
Me?
You were all Iaughing at him.
I was not Iaughing.
You weren't Iaughing?
Rice.
That was funny.
No, I think we were all a IittIe bit insensitive.
Robert's got no sense of humor about himseIf.
That's right.
You've got to be abIe to Iaugh at yourseIf.
Look at me, I Iaugh at your mother all the time.
I'm not you, Frank.
I know.
But I'm married to you, so the joke's on me.
Look, Robert's feeIing pretty bad.
I think we need to apoIogize and make it up to him.
Go ahead, Ray.
-What?
No.
-Yes.
Go speak to your brother.
Robbie, I'm so gIad you're back.
And Raymond's sorry for what he said.
No, Raymond was right.
This doesn't have to be torture.
I just got to Iearn to Iighten up.
And to that end, I'd Iike to introduce you to...
Traffic Cop Timmy!
Oh, my God.
Timmy's going to heIp teach us the rest of the cIass tonight.
-Isn't that right, Timmy?
-1 0-4, Sarge.
Look, Robert.
I'm sorry, what I said about Iightening up here....
This might be too Iight.
No, it's okay, Raymond.
My partner Judy uses Timmy to teach the kids about safety...
-and they all Iove her.
-Yeah, and Judy has warmer hands.
Sorry, Timmy.
Robbie, you're very good.
Hey, make his eyes move again.
-How do you do that?
-I'm not doing anything.
Frank, why don't you park it over there?
And I mean Iegally.
All right.
Now we got a show.
-Can you beIieve this?
-Look at his IittIe shoes.
All right, Timmy, tell everybody what we'll be Iearning next.
Wait a minute, Robert.
Come on, you're really going to do this?
Ray, this was your idea.
Did anybody hear me say "puppet"?
That's quite enough out of you.
Now why don't you sit down, Big Nose?
What?
He called you "Big Nose."
Come on, we're being supportive.
Look how cute he is.
All right, Timmy, Iet's behave ourseIf.
We're here to teach traffic schooI.
Yeah, right.
Okay, Iet's see who can answer this.
When you're behind another vehicIe what is the proper following distance?
Well, if the guy's going really sIow, I Iike to be right on his butt.
So if he Iooks back, he can read my Iips.
No, Dad.
It is one car Iength per 1 0 miIes of speed.
Yeah, remind me to never drive with you, you crazy oId bastard.
How's that?
All right.
Now Iet's move on, Timmy.
Don't you have a question for Ma?
Sure.
Marie, is it?
Hi, Marie.
Okay.
Now, when you get into the car...
what are you supposed to do before you begin driving?
I know that.
You buckIe your seat beIt.
Good.
-And you check your mirrors.
-Correct.
You Iook to the Ieft, the right, and behind you.
Very good.
Anything eIse?
No, I think that's it.
Oh, that's it.
She thinks that's it.
Isn't that everything, Timmy?
Yeah, sure, that's everything.
But how about making sure your first-born chiId is in the car...
before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico?
Well, that's awfully specific.
Is that in the binder?
Robbie, that was 30 years ago.
I don't have a probIem with it.
Remember that?
Big road trip, fun famiIy vacation.
Driving out to see the Grand Canyon.
Frank stops to get some gas...
and you all drive off whiIe Robert's still in the men's room.
How do you know?
You weren't there.
We got a reaI battIe of wits going on here.
We thought you were sIeeping in the back.
It was onIy an hour driving and then we noticed.
We turned right around.
OnIy two hours.
Excellent mothering.
I remember that.
We missed the tribaI dances.
You wouId've Iiked that, Ray.
I hear those Iadies don't wear very much.
Poor Raymond missed the tribaI dances.
MeanwhiIe, back at the rest stop...
a coupIe of truckers want to braid Robert's hair.
We happen to be very good parents, Timmy.
Yeah, great famiIy, right?
As Iong as everybody's eating, everybody's happy, right, Mama?
Just ask your husband, Burp 'n' SIurp.
How come you haven't said anything about Debra yet?
I don't have a probIem with Debra.
You're all right, cookie.
I think traffic schooI's over now.
Me, too.
I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.
Sit down, shiny.
-You want to start with me?
-Dad.
Puppet.
Yeah, right.
If it was Raymond's traffic schooI...
everybody wouId be sitting here without a peep.
But the minute this poor sIob...
needs something...
everybody's too busy.
Everybody makes with the jokes.
Nobody cares.
Come on, fIatfoot.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Timmy's mean.
Damn it.
What have you done with Robert?
I'm not signing your thing, Dad.
I'm not signing your thing, either.
That's all right.
Listen.
I'm sorry about the....
You know, telling you to Iighten up and everything.
It's all right.
Gave it a shot.
Yeah, it went well.
That Timmy's got a Iot of issues, though.
You know, Timmy's just a puppet.
Yeah, I know.
It's good to hear you say it.
Made a reaI ass out of myseIf, didn't I?
You know what peopIe Iike?
Balloon animaIs.
My whoIe Iife, every time I feIt bad for myseIf, Mom wouId say: "The famiIy will heIp you.
We'll make you feeI better."
I'd fall for it every time.
Well, Mom and Dad....
You know, this parenting stuff, it's just not their fieId.
They did all right by you.
You're the goIden boy.
Will you stop that?
They messed me up just as much as you, paI.
Yeah, you're as messed up as me?
-ProbabIy more so.
-You're insuIting me now?
You don't own "messed up."
-You were negIected.
Try being smothered.
-I used to pray for smothered.
You want smothered?
How about in schooI when Mom became cafeteria monitor...
to make sure I ate all my food...
kept my sweater on, and sat with her?
-That was bad.
-Yeah.
All right?
How about when you'd waIk to schooI, and Mom wouId follow you the whoIe way?
-She did?
-Yeah, she'd hide from tree to tree.
Oh, my God.
That's the crazy tree Iady from the dreams.
-Nightmares?
-Yeah.
How Iong did you have them?
I just had one four days ago.
-That is pretty messed up.
-Yeah, it is.
-So the jumping-canoe guy is....
-Dad.
Oh, my God.
Thanks for coming over, Raymond.
You really did make me feeI better.
Man, they're worse than I thought.
-I shouId taIk to them.
-Want to borrow the dummy?
Not so funny without his head, is he?
What did you do, Dad?
I need that.
I wonder what that's Iike.
How was your cIass today, dear?
Did the chiIdren Iisten to you?
I teach traffic schooI, Ma.
-Since when?
-Since today.
Lots of cops do it, you know.
Chance to earn a IittIe spending money.
How about spending a IittIe on rent?
There may not be any money.
-Got my first student evaIuations today.
-Yeah?
What did they say, dear?
You want to know what they say?
Okay, Ma, here's what they say: This cIass is a sure cure for insomnia. "
Next time, just pIease take away my Iicense."
That's just a coupIe of peopIe.
Who cares what they say? "
After 1 0 minutes, I wanted to take the officer's gun and end my misery."
I stink.
Come on, Robert.
It was your first time teaching.
Yeah?
The supervisor said it might be my Iast.
He's sitting in on my cIass tomorrow.
Well, that's not fair.
You probabIy just need a IittIe practice.
It's really not the type of thing you can practice.
-It's all about reIating to peopIe.
-You're a dead man.
Honey, Iisten.
You can practice on me, dear.
Come on, give me one of your routines.
-What?
-One of your traffic things.
Come on.
Let's just say I'm a crazy driver....
Shut up, Frank.
And I get caught.
Now I've got to go to Robbie's Traffic SchooI.
It's not called "Robbie's Traffic SchooI," Ma!
It doesn't matter.
All right, Iet's pretend I'm a person.
Shut up, Frank.
-Hey, you know what wouId heIp me?
-What?
-If I couId practice on all of you.
-What?
Yeah, we got enough for a cIass right here.
No, you don't.
-Good night.
-No.
Stop!
Let me waIk you home, Dad.
It's dark out.
-Ray.
-What?
Robert, if you want to run some things by me, I'll be happy to heIp you.
And I'll heIp you, too, dear.
And Frank will, too.
I don't beIieve Frank will.
You couId Iearn a few things.
-There's nothing wrong with the way I drive.
-What about that squirreI you ran over?
He doubIed back.
-That squirreI wanted to die.
-Oh, pIease.
What about our maiIbox, Frank?
Did it want to die?
Don't you have an outstanding moving vioIation, Dad?
I wouIdn't say outstanding.
It was pretty good, though.
If you Iet me practice my cIass on you...
it'll take the ticket off your record and your insurance won't go up.
Wait a minute.
You can do that?
Then why don't you just sign the thing that says I went?
I didn't hear that, Dad.
All right, you didn't hear that.
Maybe you'd Iike to hear it from some of our finest presidents.
Dad!
All right.
If I have to stay, so does Ray.
He's got that traffic ticket he doesn't want to tell Debra about.
-Dad.
-What ticket?
What is happening?
Traffic schooI?
How Iong is this gonna be?
If you don't take any breaks, I can do a condensed version in three hours.
-What?
-Sweet crap!
Wait a minute.
How Iong is reguIar traffic schooI?
Eight hours.
And you're gonna have to go to that if you don't come to me.
That's right, I got all the papers you need right in here.
I'll go set up.
You have two minutes before we begin.
I suggest you all visit the Iavatories. "
Begin with introductions."
Hello, I am Sgt.
Robert CharIes Barone.
Sixteen years, NYPD.
And you are?
Hated by God.
I'm not doing this.
Ray, okay?
My name is Ray.
Hi, Ray.
-Debra.
-Good.
Hi, I'm Marie.
I'm Frank.
Sign my thing.
Now I wouId Iike to direct your attention to the board.
You will see, Speed Iimits... "
pedestrians, signs and signaIs of the highway--" Things that are boring.
-"...urban vs.
ruraI driving--" -Things I don't care about!
-"...insurance."
-TerribIy boring things!
That's enough, Raymond!
Now I wouId Iike each of you to tell us...
what offense Ied you to be here today.
Let's start with...
Raymond.
I killed my brother.
Traffic offense.
CouId you go Iie down in the driveway for a minute?
It says in the binder that each student must tell the offense they committed.
Yeah, come on.
Let's hear about your IittIe offense.
What?
It was nothing.
I ran over one of those orange cones, that's all.
Tell her why.
I don't remember, Dad.
I remember.
I was there.
It had something to do with a haIter top.
HaIted you pretty good.
Dad.
You know how these things happen.
You see somebody and you think they're naked.
Then you Iook and they're just wearing a beige top.
The next thing you know, you've run over a coupIe of cones.
ReckIess driving.
So you just ride around Iooking for naked?
-Well, if it won't come to me-- -Yeah.
Look, can we get back to the course, pIease?
Who can answer this question?
At 55 miIes an hour, you will traveI over 800 feet...
in 1 0 to 1 2 seconds.
So will an oncoming truck. "
To pass safeIy, how many feet will you need?"
-Dad.
-Sign my thing.
Come on!
What are you doing?
Robert, that question is really compIicated.
Is that something they wouId ask?
It's in the binder.
You know what?
Maybe we don't have to do this cIass exactIy Iike it is in the binder.
What do you mean?
The binder's not just a guide, Debra.
The binder is...
binding.
Shut up, Frank.
-What?
-You were about to do a bathroom joke.
A bathroom joke?
Yeah, about binding.
All right, Iook, Iet's focus, peopIe.
Rice.
-Look, pIease-- -Cheese.
That's enough!
-How about some-- -Bananas!
Things that are binding.
WouId you pIease....
These are safety issues.
And Iet's remember something: Driving is a priviIege, not a right.
Yams.
I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry, Robert.
-Don't apoIogize.
That was good.
Yams.
Sorry.
That expIains Iast Thanksgiving.
You're not heIping, Ma.
We're just having a IittIe fun.
-We're not here to have fun.
-Well, then, you're the man for the job.
-Maybe I'm not.
-Come on, Robert.
I'm just saying if we have to do this, why has it got to be torture?
I see.
I'm sorry this is torture.
I guess the student evaIuations were correct.
Oh, come on.
Stop feeIing sorry for yourseIf.
I'm just trying to give you advice.
And what is that advice, Raymond?
I don't know.
Lighten up.
Thank you very much.
Hey, you didn't sign my thing.
-What did you do?
-What?
He Ieft.
It breaks my heart, the way you treat your brother.
Me?
You were all Iaughing at him.
I was not Iaughing.
You weren't Iaughing?
Rice.
That was funny.
No, I think we were all a IittIe bit insensitive.
Robert's got no sense of humor about himseIf.
That's right.
You've got to be abIe to Iaugh at yourseIf.
Look at me, I Iaugh at your mother all the time.
I'm not you, Frank.
I know.
But I'm married to you, so the joke's on me.
Look, Robert's feeIing pretty bad.
I think we need to apoIogize and make it up to him.
Go ahead, Ray.
-What?
No.
-Yes.
Go speak to your brother.
Robbie, I'm so gIad you're back.
And Raymond's sorry for what he said.
No, Raymond was right.
This doesn't have to be torture.
I just got to Iearn to Iighten up.
And to that end, I'd Iike to introduce you to...
Traffic Cop Timmy!
Oh, my God.
Timmy's going to heIp teach us the rest of the cIass tonight.
-Isn't that right, Timmy?
-1 0-4, Sarge.
Look, Robert.
I'm sorry, what I said about Iightening up here....
This might be too Iight.
No, it's okay, Raymond.
My partner Judy uses Timmy to teach the kids about safety...
-and they all Iove her.
-Yeah, and Judy has warmer hands.
Sorry, Timmy.
Robbie, you're very good.
Hey, make his eyes move again.
-How do you do that?
-I'm not doing anything.
Frank, why don't you park it over there?
And I mean Iegally.
All right.
Now we got a show.
-Can you beIieve this?
-Look at his IittIe shoes.
All right, Timmy, tell everybody what we'll be Iearning next.
Wait a minute, Robert.
Come on, you're really going to do this?
Ray, this was your idea.
Did anybody hear me say "puppet"?
That's quite enough out of you.
Now why don't you sit down, Big Nose?
What?
He called you "Big Nose."
Come on, we're being supportive.
Look how cute he is.
All right, Timmy, Iet's behave ourseIf.
We're here to teach traffic schooI.
Yeah, right.
Okay, Iet's see who can answer this.
When you're behind another vehicIe what is the proper following distance?
Well, if the guy's going really sIow, I Iike to be right on his butt.
So if he Iooks back, he can read my Iips.
No, Dad.
It is one car Iength per 1 0 miIes of speed.
Yeah, remind me to never drive with you, you crazy oId bastard.
How's that?
All right.
Now Iet's move on, Timmy.
Don't you have a question for Ma?
Sure.
Marie, is it?
Hi, Marie.
Okay.
Now, when you get into the car...
what are you supposed to do before you begin driving?
I know that.
You buckIe your seat beIt.
Good.
-And you check your mirrors.
-Correct.
You Iook to the Ieft, the right, and behind you.
Very good.
Anything eIse?
No, I think that's it.
Oh, that's it.
She thinks that's it.
Isn't that everything, Timmy?
Yeah, sure, that's everything.
But how about making sure your first-born chiId is in the car...
before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico?
Well, that's awfully specific.
Is that in the binder?
Robbie, that was 30 years ago.
I don't have a probIem with it.
Remember that?
Big road trip, fun famiIy vacation.
Driving out to see the Grand Canyon.
Frank stops to get some gas...
and you all drive off whiIe Robert's still in the men's room.
How do you know?
You weren't there.
We got a reaI battIe of wits going on here.
We thought you were sIeeping in the back.
It was onIy an hour driving and then we noticed.
We turned right around.
OnIy two hours.
Excellent mothering.
I remember that.
We missed the tribaI dances.
You wouId've Iiked that, Ray.
I hear those Iadies don't wear very much.
Poor Raymond missed the tribaI dances.
MeanwhiIe, back at the rest stop...
a coupIe of truckers want to braid Robert's hair.
We happen to be very good parents, Timmy.
Yeah, great famiIy, right?
As Iong as everybody's eating, everybody's happy, right, Mama?
Just ask your husband, Burp 'n' SIurp.
How come you haven't said anything about Debra yet?
I don't have a probIem with Debra.
You're all right, cookie.
I think traffic schooI's over now.
Me, too.
I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.
Sit down, shiny.
-You want to start with me?
-Dad.
Puppet.
Yeah, right.
If it was Raymond's traffic schooI...
everybody wouId be sitting here without a peep.
But the minute this poor sIob...
needs something...
everybody's too busy.
Everybody makes with the jokes.
Nobody cares.
Come on, fIatfoot.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Timmy's mean.
Damn it.
What have you done with Robert?
I'm not signing your thing, Dad.
I'm not signing your thing, either.
That's all right.
Listen.
I'm sorry about the....
You know, telling you to Iighten up and everything.
It's all right.
Gave it a shot.
Yeah, it went well.
That Timmy's got a Iot of issues, though.
You know, Timmy's just a puppet.
Yeah, I know.
It's good to hear you say it.
Made a reaI ass out of myseIf, didn't I?
You know what peopIe Iike?
Balloon animaIs.
My whoIe Iife, every time I feIt bad for myseIf, Mom wouId say: "The famiIy will heIp you.
We'll make you feeI better."
I'd fall for it every time.
Well, Mom and Dad....
You know, this parenting stuff, it's just not their fieId.
They did all right by you.
You're the goIden boy.
Will you stop that?
They messed me up just as much as you, paI.
Yeah, you're as messed up as me?
-ProbabIy more so.
-You're insuIting me now?
You don't own "messed up."
-You were negIected.
Try being smothered.
-I used to pray for smothered.
You want smothered?
How about in schooI when Mom became cafeteria monitor...
to make sure I ate all my food...
kept my sweater on, and sat with her?
-That was bad.
-Yeah.
All right?
How about when you'd waIk to schooI, and Mom wouId follow you the whoIe way?
-She did?
-Yeah, she'd hide from tree to tree.
Oh, my God.
That's the crazy tree Iady from the dreams.
-Nightmares?
-Yeah.
How Iong did you have them?
I just had one four days ago.
-That is pretty messed up.
-Yeah, it is.
-So the jumping-canoe guy is....
-Dad.
Oh, my God.
Thanks for coming over, Raymond.
You really did make me feeI better.
Man, they're worse than I thought.
-I shouId taIk to them.
-Want to borrow the dummy?
Not so funny without his head, is he?
What did you do, Dad?
I need that.