Programma Televisivo: Everybody Loves Raymond - 2x16

Write me a check for Sports Illustrated, will you?
My subscription ran out.
-Don't they have that at work?
-Yeah.
They've aIso got bathrooms at work, but I want one at home.
That's a big waste of money.
Right, everything I want is a waste of money.
Like you don't go out and spend hundreds of dollars on...
food.
Come on, it's a magazine.
Don't be so cheap.
It's not being cheap.
It's Iiving within a budget.
It's a magazine.
That's all I want, okay?
One thing for me.
-Who's the new goIf bag for?
-Ally.
Have you ever even seen our budget?
There's an actuaI piece of paper that says "budget" on it?
You have no idea what I do here, do you?
Why do I need to know?
Okay.
I'm going to expIain it to you.
Don't.
No.
You're going to kill the magic.
Okay.
Once every two weeks, I go into the hamper, I find your pants...
and I dig out your paycheck.
You're weIcome.
I deduct our fixed costs and figure out how much we have to service our debt.
Whatever's Ieft over is our discretionary fund.
From that, I put away as much as possibIe...
for the kids' college growth and income pIan.
You understand?
You know, one of your eyes is bigger than the other one.
You can't even Iisten to me.
You can't even hear about the budget?
You're making it so compIicated.
What do you mean, I'm making it compIicated?
You are.
Why don't you just pay the bills?
I didn't mean what I said.
I didn't mean that.
What I meant was, it seems Iike it shouId be easier for you.
It's going to be a Iot easier.
-Okay.
I'm sorry.
-No, You're right.
I'm making it way too compIicated.
Just pay the bills.
All right.
I guess I'll have to show you how easy it can be, then.
You saw daddy taIking.
You couIdn't stop me?
Hi, I'm Ray, and I Iive here in Long IsIand with my wife, Debra...
my 6-year-oId daughter and twin 2-year-oId boys.
My parents...
Iive across the street.
That's right.
And my brother Iives with them.
Now, not every famiIy wouId defy gravity for you...
but mine wouId because....
Everybody Ioves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't....
So, AngeIina, how are you?
Did you want something eIse?
No, thanks.
I just thought we couId taIk.
HeaIth Department.
That ain't funny, Raymond.
-Hey, coupIe of sIices?
-Yeah.
Hi.
How are you?
Nothing.
-Hey, Ray.
-Hey, Andy.
-Thanks for coming, man.
-No probIem.
I was in the mood for a IittIe botuIism.
Do me a favor?
I've been paying the bills for the Iast coupIe of weeks.
I got this from the eIectric company.
Take a Iook at that.
-They're turning off your service.
-Yeah.
Why?
I don't get it.
I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.
Can I ask you something?
Why are you handIing the checkbook?
Did Debra Ieave you?
She's made such a big deaI about paying the bills.
I'm trying to showher...
-it doesn't have to be that compIicated.
-Well, no eIectricity is Iess compIicated.
-You're Iike the Amish now.
-All right, you're good with numbers.
Here.
Take a Iook at this stuff.
I paid all these bills.
There's no reason they shouId be sending me mean Ietters.
-Here's a reason.
Your check bounced.
-What?
Wow.
You bounced many checks here.
You bounced 14 checks, and you were charged $300 in penaIties.
Excellent work.
What do you mean?
I sent these checks myseIf.
Checks that didn't cIear.
You might as well have sent IittIe pieces of toiIet paper.
But I make more than enough money.
Well, mazel tov to you.
You're $3,000 overdrawn here.
You didn't even open up your bank statement.
I trusted the bank.
You didn't reconciIe your checkbook.
You have to keep track.
Give me this!
What did you do here?
Why did you pay so much on your Visa card?
Because I'm not going to pay interest charges.
You pay in full, no interest charges.
That is smart.
No money Ieft, either.
Look at this.
Debra had everything in order.
Yeah, Debra.
All right.
I'm sick of this money stuff.
Just tell me what I have to do.
All right.
First, you got to take Iast month's ending baIance.
Then you add the interest accrued on the account.
Then you add all the checks that we knowhave cIeared...
and then you subtract that number from....
Ray, what did I just say to you? "
Accrued."
You had your IittIe fun with mommy's checkbook.
Now it's time to give it back to her.
No.
I'm not giving it back to her.
Then she's gonna know I couIdn't do this.
She may get an inkIing when they cut off your power and tow away your house.
I don't get it.
Look at this.
How can it be this bad?
It's onIy been six weeks.
That's what so shocking.
You need to put $3,000 in the bank...
and you're gonna have to tell Debra about this.
No, I can't.
Eventually she's gonna see that checkbook.
-You're right.
I got to do the smart thing.
-Good.
I'll make a fake checkbook.
-Like that shade?
-Very nice.
Look at this.
Toes.
Just a IittIe bit darker than the naiIs.
That's what the woman said was in now.
What, did you go to the beauty parIor?
SaIon, Grandpa.
Yes.
And it was great.
-What do they charge for that?
-$20.
$20?
That's Iike...
$1 a naiI.
What's the big deaI?
I never do this.
I don't think this is the time to start doing things we never do.
You know, I mean we shouId bareIy be doing the things we've done.
-And maybe cut back a IittIe on those.
-Oh.
I get it.
Now that you're doing the checkbook, you're Mr.
ResponsibIe.
To tell you the truth, I'm surprised you couId stay on top of that.
I'm on top of it.
I'm fully reconciIed...
and accruing.
Great.
To tell you the truth, I was a IittIe afraid to ask.
You don't got to be afraid.
You want to see the...
checkbook?
Yeah, okay.
I got no probIem with that.
Here, take a Iook.
Everything baIanced.
Paid in full, except the Visa.
You don't pay that in full.
There you go.
Car, mortgage, eIectric bill.
All paid up.
-What?
-I don't beIieve this.
You don't?
This is amazing.
This is...
-beautifuI.
-Yeah?
-You did this?
-Yeah, I said I wouId, right?
What?
What's the matter?
I don't know.
You just....
I mean....
You've been just doing it.
You didn't compIain once.
I was aIways....
I don't know.
It was such a huge pressure for me.
There's some pressure for me.
You'd never know it.
-Thanks, honey.
-You're weIcome.
Good night.
Hey, Ray.
How's it going?
-What's so important?
-Nothing.
Keep your voice down.
Something's up.
I saw you sneaking out of your house at 5:00 in the a.m.
Stop watching my house.
And I wasn't sneaking out.
I had to get over to the eIectric company payment center.
Why?
'Cause those idiots, they shut off my power Iast night...
and I didn't want Debra to wake up without power.
She Iikes toast.
-What's going on, Raymond?
-Nothing.
-You got fired?
-No.
How are you doing?
Nothing.
Let me ask you something.
Remember when you toId me that moving in with mom and dad...
was gonna heIp you put money away?
How's that going for you?
-You're not moving in with us, Raymond.
-What?
We have a very deIicate ecosystem over there.
I'm not asking to move in, all right?
I'm asking about the money part.
-How's that going?
-Good.
I'm saving a IittIe.
Yeah.
Good.
I mean, it's smart.
A Iot of peopIe make fun of a man who Iives with his parents...
but they don't see the upside to that.
-I mean, it's the financiaI security.
-That's exactIy right.
Thank you.
I envy you, you know, 'cause you're kind of set.
Matter of fact, I was gonna ask you if couId borrow a IittIe money.
Just a quick Ioan.
Wait.
Let's not go too quick here.
So, you need my heIp.
You know what?
Forget it.
I shouIdn't-- No.
Look, hey, we all stumbIe.
How much you need?
No.
It's too much.
-How much?
-$3,000.
$3,000?
-GambIing?
-No.
Raymond, you're not....
I'm not doing cocaine, Robert.
I'm gonna give you a phone number.
-Robert, it's not-- -Just call the number.
I'm having a IittIe troubIe paying this month's bills, that's all.
Debra know?
I want to keep Debra out of this.
-You get a Iady in troubIe?
-No.
Listen, you can IeveI with me.
I'm your brother.
You screwed up.
-I didn't screw up.
-What did you do?
-Why are you assuming I screwed up for?
-Why can't Debra find out?
Because....
She's the one with the probIem?
Yep.
Oh, she's not going nuts with the credit cards, is she?
I've seen it before.
CompuIsive shopping.
Rip a famiIy apart.
Yeah, I know.
She feeIs bad about it aIready, so Iet's just-- -Wow!
-Yeah.
I had no idea she was Iike this.
It was a surprise to me.
You know what she needs?
She needs to get her seIf-worth back.
She shouId get a job and earn back part of that money.
I thought of that, and then I started thinking, "What about the kids?"
I mean, they need their mother.
-Of course.
I'm sorry.
-That's all right.
-Stupid.
-It's okay.
So, what do you think?
-Can you heIp us?
-Sure.
Of course.
$3,000 enough?
-Yeah, it's good.
-What about you, Ray?
How you doing?
-Do you need anything?
-No, I'm fine.
You know, this isn't about me.
-Hello, Raymond.
-Where's Robert?
He was Iate for work, but he asked me to give this to you.
Oh, good.
-Is there anything you want to tell us?
-No.
Like what?
Like, how come there's a $3,000 check in there?
Robert!
Why are you taking money from your brother?
Keep it down.
Why didn't you just come to us?
I wouId Iove to heIp Debra with her probIem.
-He toId you about that?
-At Ieast he taIks to his mother.
How come Robert's got $3,000 to throw around?
-He shouId be giving us rent money.
-He's our son, Frank.
-You don't charge your son.
-He's a giant, Marie.
Do you know what it costs just to heat him?
All right.
Thanks for coming.
Food, too.
He's got $3,000, and I'm paying for the Pudding Pops.
You eat them, too, Frank.
No more Pudding Pops.
And no soIid white tuna, either.
The chunk Iight is perfectIy fine.
I'm not running a country cIub anymore!
-I Iike the soIid white.
-Too bad.
It's my one Iuxury.
All right, aIready.
Come on, I'll give you a tuna boat...
if you just give me the check and get out of here.
-I don't want Debra to hear this.
-Well, maybe Debra shouId hear.
I see the way she dresses.
And takes these IittIe trips to the mall so that "the kids can get out."
How Iong has she been out of controI?
Not that Iong.
-Doesn't she handIe your checkbook?
-No.
Not anymore.
That's good.
Cut her off coId turkey.
You don't give a boozer the key to the Iiquor cabinet.
Guys, come on.
We got to get going.
Hey, Marie.
Hey, Frank.
Hi, Debra.
What a very nice outfit.
Thank you.
Look.
My naiIs match.
I had them done.
-I noticed.
-Oh, yes.
See, Ray?
It was worth the money.
Oh, Iisten.
Can you give me some cash?
'Cause I can't find my ATM card.
-Oh, yeah?
-I have to pick up Ally at ballet cIass.
You know, I don't even think I have cash on me.
-Dad, you wouIdn't....
-No.
No.
-Okay.
So just give me a check.
-Check?
Yeah.
I'll just stop at the bank and cash it on the way.
All righty.
A bIank check?
Maybe I'll swing by Tiffany's.
See you Iater.
My God.
A bIank check.
You're dumber than I tell peopIe.
-Give me that.
-Where are you going?
I got to put this in the bank before she gets there.
I toId him she was too pretty for him.
Thank God I didn't make that mistake.
-Are you coming to bed?
-Can't.
-How Iong are you going to be?
-Depends.
On what?
How Iong it takes to fix what you've done here.
So, Iike, a few minutes, right?
-Listen.
I'm really sorry.
-Yeah, I know you are.
Can I get anything?
Do you need any heIp?
Anything I can do at all?
Look, shouIdn't you just yell at me here or something?
Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you Ioad the Iifeboats.
You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
Who wants oatmeaI?
-I will say this.
-Okay.
Good.
Go.
You put so much effort into a fake checkbook.
Why didn't you take a IittIe of that effort in doing it right in the first pIace?
I don't have to sit here and take this.
No, really.
Come on.
I want to know.
It's the numbers.
I stink at numbers.
You wouIdn't if they were goIf scores.
That's what bothers me the most.
It's not that you can't do it.
It's just that you won't do it.
You're Iike the kids.
They onIy want to do what's fun.
And yet, you still Iove them.
You know, I hate doing the checkbook, but I do it anyway.
Do you know why I do it even though I hate it?
Because deep down, you really Iike it.
-No, Ray.
-I know.
I know, 'cause you're an aduIt.
And if it wasn't for you, all this wouId be a big smoking crater.
And I....
What?
I appreciate what you do here.
You know, you've never said that before.
Sure, I have.
Remember our wedding night?
It was very nice both times that you said it.
Maybe you couId say it a IittIe more often.
Okay.
I will.
I appreciate you.
-I appreciate you.
-Wait a minute.
It's not a "get out ofjaiI free" card.
We're not done here.
Get back here.
Now, Iook.
I've gone through your checkbook...
and I've gone through your fake checkbook.
-And it's just not adding up.
-Yeah.
You know what that might be?
A third checkbook?
I accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.
What check did you bounce?
I don't know which one.
It might've been....
Yeah.
That was it.
-Hi, Debra.
-Hi, Marie.
Hi, Frank.
-You know what happened to me, today?
-What?
I got a new credit card in the maiI, but I think it may be counterfeit.
-Really?
-Yes.
WouId you mind if I compared yours against mine?
Sure, no probIem.
-This one?
-Yeah.
What the hell are you doing?
You'll thank us Iater, dear.
I appreciate you.