Programma Televisivo: Everybody Loves Raymond - 2x13
-How about tomorrow?
-No, tomorrow's no good.
I'll be Christmas shopping all day.
I'm gonna be exhausted.
What about Monday?
No, Monday is no good.
I'm interviewing Parcells after the Jets-Raiders.
Ray, when do you want to make this appointment?
Well, I'm not the one who cancelled the Iast two appointments.
Daddy, what's an appointment?
Well, an appointment is when two peopIe decide to meet.
Like going to the dentist.
So sIeeping with me is Iike going to the dentist.
You both say the same thing: "Sit back, reIax, you won't feeI a thing."
Hi, I'm Ray, and I Iive here in Long IsIand with my wife, Debra...
my 6-year-oId daughter and twin 2-year-oId boys.
My parents...
Iive across the street.
That's right.
And my brother Iives with them.
Now, not every famiIy wouId defy gravity for you...
but mine wouId because-- Everybody Ioves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't....
Sammy!
Not the fIanneI pajamas.
-What?
-What the....
When you come to bed wearing that siIky thing...
I know I have a chance, but fIanneI pajamas....
You might as well be wearing a porcupine suit.
-I'm so tired, Ray.
-Yes, but we had an appointment.
See the rocket ship?
I don't know, it's just that I have been Christmas shopping all day...
then I just got the twins down, and I'm just not in the mood.
You don't have to be in the mood.
I mean, just start and you can get in the mood.
It's Iike you're invited to a party you don't want to go to, so you figure: "I'm just gonna stop by, say hello."
When you get there, the next thing you know...
you're swinging at the pinata, wearing a hat.
I'm not going to the party, Ray.
You can't just not go.
At Ieast send a gift.
You know, it's not aIways me.
What about Iast week when I was in the mood and you weren't?
When was that?
Wednesday.
You were watching TV, I asked you to give me a back rub.
Yeah, you gave me one of these one-handed deaIs.
Wait a minute.
You asked for a back rub...
and that means Mr.
Smith goes to Washington?
Come on.
Why didn't you say something?
What am I supposed to say? "
Come on, you want some?
Let's do it."
I wouId Iove it if you taIked Iike that.
You know, after all these years, you still have no idea, do you?
Look, I know you have to be in the mood...
but can't you just, this once, think Iike a man?
I am.
I'm compIeteIy disregarding your feeIings.
You tell Mr.
Smith that.
I don't know why it has to be so hard, Andy, you know?
I mean, we're married for eight years.
It shouId get easier.
It shouId be, "You awake?"
I'm the wrong guy to taIk to about women.
Even my fantasies just want to be friends.
-Hi, guys.
-Hey, Erin.
Hey, Erin, you're a woman.
-Thanks.
-Come here.
Have a seat.
We gotta taIk to you about something.
Don't, Andy.
No, it's okay, I'll taIk to him.
It's Christmas.
Thank you, Erin.
Our question is this: Why can't I score?
What the hell's with you peopIe?
Why do women Iook at me Iike I'm some kind of homuncuIus?
This is the big mystery?
No, Ray has a question.
Go ahead and ask her what you were asking me.
I wasn't asking.
I was compIaining.
-Go ahead.
-No, I don't want to.
How come you don't Iike it as much as we do?
Who says we don't Iike it?
We just prefer to be in the mood first.
Okay, stop right there.
The mood.
Just give me directions to the mood.
ExactIy.
And keep in mind that I Iive further away than he does.
All right.
You know, Iisten, I can heIp you.
All you have to know is that, for a woman...
it's all about intimacy: hoIding hands, kissing, taIking.
Right, I know all that.
But when you're married with three kids, you got no time for that.
You got shortcuts?
I thought marriage was a shortcut.
You've aIready got her in the house....
No, there are no shortcuts.
Put in the time.
A woman says, "Before I sIeep with you, I want to feeI cIose to you."
And I say, "You will feeI very cIose to me when you are sIeeping with me."
That's the probIem with you guys.
You think that the mushy stuff is over at the wedding.
We still want the mushy stuff.
Why can't you try a IittIe?
I'm trying.
What do you want?
Some caring, some consideration.
Did you ever try being creative?
God, Iook at you!
Tuck in your shirts.
Okay, thank you.
Thanks for your heIp.
That's the way it is.
You asked my advice as a woman.
I'm telling you: You got to try harder.
Come on.
Check it out.
Very nice.
We're still just friends.
You better watch out You better watch out What is this?
That's just an earIy Christmas present for a good IittIe girI.
That's sweet.
What is it?
It's Magic Hands.
I thought I'd get you this now that I know what "rub your back" means.
Isn't that considerate?
Boy, Ray, you are just so transparent-- -That's not bad.
-Yeah, it's good.
-Yeah.
-I tried it.
-That's good.
Right there.
-There?
Oh, yes.
Yes, Raymond.
You just called me Raymond.
Well, this is about to be a speciaI occasion.
-Ray, it's caught in my hair.
-All right, easy.
Don't pull.
-Don't pull it!
-Stop moving.
I can't get it out if you're moving.
-You turn that thing off!
-Stop moving!
I'm still attached.
All right.
You're pulling on my hair.
It Iooks good on you, though.
On a cold and gray Chicago morn And another baby child is born in the ghetto In the ghetto And his mama cries 'Cause there's one thing that she don't need It's another hungry little mouth to feed In the ghetto People, don't you come and see -Hey.
-Hi.
What?
Nothing.
I just got a IittIe shiver.
Want me to turn up the heat?
Not that kind of shiver.
You gave me a shiver.
-Me?
-Yeah.
You just Iook kind of sexy.
What?
You know, with the sweeper, and....
Sweeper?
That's what does it for you?
No, but just watching you pIay with the kids this morning...
and then wearing these silly boxers that they gave you....
I don't know, just the fact that you're my husband, you take care of us...
and the whoIe picture.
Sweeping just put it over the top.
What are you doing to me here?
-What?
You're killing me!
-I wanted to Iet you knowhow I was feeIing.
You can't kiss me Iike that.
It's Christmas.
-Ally's up.
My parents are coming over now.
-I'm sorry.
You've activated the Iaunch sequence now.
What?
Merry Christmas!
Nice.
We usually hang ours on the door.
You made me wear this dumb sweater.
Ray's not even wearing pants.
I guess I'll go put cIothes on.
Yeah, I'll stir my eggs.
No, keep that on.
That's your Christmas sweater.
It's the sweater or the pants, Marie.
Something's coming off.
Look at this.
My K9 KringIe poIice dog ornament...
buried at the bottom of the tree.
That's typicaI.
No, it doesn't Iook good.
-It Iooks terribIe up there.
-Why?
Because of the two wooden ornaments.
You gotta have something shiny in-between.
Who gives a fIying squirreI about the ornaments?
The Iights are all wrong.
Forget the Iights.
Look at these garIands.
You can't just throw them on.
You've got to drape them.
I paid $15 for this ornament.
They toId me they Ioved it.
-Look out.
-You Iook out.
Okay, I'm putting K9 KringIe right here.
-No, it's worse up there.
-Marie, will you get out of the way?
I'm not taIking to you and your stupid Iights.
Didn't that fire teach you a Iesson, you maniac?
Hey, do me a favor.
Stick your toe in the water and twist this buIb right here.
It'd be worth it to get away from you.
Will you stop?
You're killing Christmas!
Oh, my God!
-What did you do?
-Nothing.
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
-Merry Christmas, kids.
You just hate anything bigger than you, don't you?
-Happy hoIidays.
-Ray, Iook at you.
-What are you doing?
-Your buttons are all off.
Oh, God.
You smell good.
I need you, Raymond.
We want to open our presents.
-Here, dear.
From me to you.
-Thank you, Marie.
And, Raymond, I got you something.
I got you something, too.
HoId on.
It's a housecoat.
I noticed you didn't have one.
It's just Iike mine.
So we couId be twins.
HoId it up.
Wow, Robert.
Yep, a remote-controlled repIica of a vintage P-51D Mustang...
fIown by Chuck Yeager, compIete with a fully operationaI sIide-away canopy.
Hey, goIf balls.
Yeah, well, I wanted to-- No, these are very good goIf balls.
And there's three of them.
HoId them up.
You know what?
Why don't you keep the pIane over at your house...
because it'll probabIy be safer there.
-Are you sure?
-You can use it whenever you want.
All right, great.
Thank you, Raymond.
And here, keep these goIf balls.
You can use them whenever you want.
That's IoveIy, and it is so you.
What do you think, Ray?
I just got a shiver.
Debra, the eggs FIorentine, eggs-traordinary.
Yes, dear.
You're really coming aIong.
Thank you, Marie.
I'm just gIad that you couId come aIong.
I'm stuffed.
Let's watch football.
Wait, Dad, how about you and I cIear the tabIe?
-What?
-Let's give Debra the rest of the day off.
No, don't be ridicuIous.
Debra and I can handIe it.
-No.
-Yeah, they can handIe it.
Come on, I think we shouId do it.
Well, thank you, Raymond.
What in hell's manger is wrong with you?
I just want to give the Iadies a break, you know?
Do something for Debra.
Why?
You know what I was thinking?
Maybe you and Mom want to take the kids this afternoon...
to your house.
Why?
Again, the Debra thing, you know?
Besides, they're your grandchiIdren, you Iove them...
and you want to spend time with them on Christmas, Iike peopIe.
I'm spending time with them here, and they're not breaking my stuff.
I know.
It'll give Debra and me a chance to reIax.
ReIax?
Why do you want to reIax?
What do you mean?
What?
-ReIax.
-What?
I read you Ioud and cIear.
Time for a IittIe nookie, saiIor?
No.
-On Christmas day yet.
-Come on, Dad.
Well, the nut does not fall far from the tree.
I remember, one Easter, your mother and I-- Dad, pIease, don't.
Don't worry about a thing, son.
I'm on the case.
Let's go, Marie.
-Dad, wait.
-Pack up your stuff and grab the kids.
-I didn't mean for this.
-Why are we Ieaving?
Ray and Debra want to reIax.
Dad, you don't have to do this.
Come on.
Why do they have to reIax?
They're young, they're in Iove.
You gotta be hit over the head with a mallet?
Figure it out.
Oh, my God!
Raymond, it's Christmas Day.
The baby Jesus was just born.
Okay, I found the batteries.
We are cIeared for takeoff.
So is my boy.
Everybody, grab your coats.
Chop, chop.
-What's going on?
-Nothing's going on.
You don't have to go.
-You don't understand.
-I understand it all too well, Raymond.
In my day, there was a IittIe something called seIf-controI.
-Not on Easter, 1962.
-Shush!
Enjoy yourseIves, kids.
And fIash the Iights when you're done.
We'll come back over.
So, what do you want to do?
I think the moment has passed, Ray.
Okay, that moment has.
But Iook, here comes another.
No, I wish I was in the mood, I really do.
But you wouIdn't want me to fake it, wouId you?
I'm easy to fooI.
I just can't beIieve you still want to after that atrocity downstairs.
Look, I don't.
I thought I did.
I wanted to give it a try...
but who am I kidding?
-I'm sorry, Ray.
-Okay, I'm back.
What?
I just don't think it's gonna happen.
It's not you, Ray.
It's them.
Don't do that.
Don't Iet them ruin it.
Come on, I'll put on the Santa shorts and the sweeper.
In the ghetto, in the ghetto Come on, try.
Just try a IittIe.
-You yelling at me isn't gonna work.
-Okay, all right.
So there's something that might work.
All right, I'm not yelling now.
I don't know, maybe try taIking to me, okay?
TaIk to me.
What am I doing here?
I'm taIking.
No, something nice, something romantic.
You....
I think you're the most beautifuI woman on the face of the earth...
and I will know that for as Iong as I Iive.
Forever.
You're so pathetic.
No, I mean it in a good way.
I'm sick ofjumping through hoops, all right?
I have my pride!
Get back here now, Raymond.
You heard me.
You just called me pathetic.
Yes, but you're never more sexy than when you're pathetic.
The mood has been hiding right behind pathetic.
That is brilliant.
I never wouId have thought to Iook there.
I'm okay.
-What's that noise?
-I don't care.
I was thinking maybe we'll keep the pIane over here.
Hey, Deb.
-Hey, Ray.
-What's up?
Give me change of $1.
-Hi, Erin.
-How you doing?
-Hey.
-I'm fine.
-Good.
I'll see you Iater.
-I'll see you Iater.
You were right, Ray.
Go pathetic.
Don't abuse it.
-No, tomorrow's no good.
I'll be Christmas shopping all day.
I'm gonna be exhausted.
What about Monday?
No, Monday is no good.
I'm interviewing Parcells after the Jets-Raiders.
Ray, when do you want to make this appointment?
Well, I'm not the one who cancelled the Iast two appointments.
Daddy, what's an appointment?
Well, an appointment is when two peopIe decide to meet.
Like going to the dentist.
So sIeeping with me is Iike going to the dentist.
You both say the same thing: "Sit back, reIax, you won't feeI a thing."
Hi, I'm Ray, and I Iive here in Long IsIand with my wife, Debra...
my 6-year-oId daughter and twin 2-year-oId boys.
My parents...
Iive across the street.
That's right.
And my brother Iives with them.
Now, not every famiIy wouId defy gravity for you...
but mine wouId because-- Everybody Ioves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't....
Sammy!
Not the fIanneI pajamas.
-What?
-What the....
When you come to bed wearing that siIky thing...
I know I have a chance, but fIanneI pajamas....
You might as well be wearing a porcupine suit.
-I'm so tired, Ray.
-Yes, but we had an appointment.
See the rocket ship?
I don't know, it's just that I have been Christmas shopping all day...
then I just got the twins down, and I'm just not in the mood.
You don't have to be in the mood.
I mean, just start and you can get in the mood.
It's Iike you're invited to a party you don't want to go to, so you figure: "I'm just gonna stop by, say hello."
When you get there, the next thing you know...
you're swinging at the pinata, wearing a hat.
I'm not going to the party, Ray.
You can't just not go.
At Ieast send a gift.
You know, it's not aIways me.
What about Iast week when I was in the mood and you weren't?
When was that?
Wednesday.
You were watching TV, I asked you to give me a back rub.
Yeah, you gave me one of these one-handed deaIs.
Wait a minute.
You asked for a back rub...
and that means Mr.
Smith goes to Washington?
Come on.
Why didn't you say something?
What am I supposed to say? "
Come on, you want some?
Let's do it."
I wouId Iove it if you taIked Iike that.
You know, after all these years, you still have no idea, do you?
Look, I know you have to be in the mood...
but can't you just, this once, think Iike a man?
I am.
I'm compIeteIy disregarding your feeIings.
You tell Mr.
Smith that.
I don't know why it has to be so hard, Andy, you know?
I mean, we're married for eight years.
It shouId get easier.
It shouId be, "You awake?"
I'm the wrong guy to taIk to about women.
Even my fantasies just want to be friends.
-Hi, guys.
-Hey, Erin.
Hey, Erin, you're a woman.
-Thanks.
-Come here.
Have a seat.
We gotta taIk to you about something.
Don't, Andy.
No, it's okay, I'll taIk to him.
It's Christmas.
Thank you, Erin.
Our question is this: Why can't I score?
What the hell's with you peopIe?
Why do women Iook at me Iike I'm some kind of homuncuIus?
This is the big mystery?
No, Ray has a question.
Go ahead and ask her what you were asking me.
I wasn't asking.
I was compIaining.
-Go ahead.
-No, I don't want to.
How come you don't Iike it as much as we do?
Who says we don't Iike it?
We just prefer to be in the mood first.
Okay, stop right there.
The mood.
Just give me directions to the mood.
ExactIy.
And keep in mind that I Iive further away than he does.
All right.
You know, Iisten, I can heIp you.
All you have to know is that, for a woman...
it's all about intimacy: hoIding hands, kissing, taIking.
Right, I know all that.
But when you're married with three kids, you got no time for that.
You got shortcuts?
I thought marriage was a shortcut.
You've aIready got her in the house....
No, there are no shortcuts.
Put in the time.
A woman says, "Before I sIeep with you, I want to feeI cIose to you."
And I say, "You will feeI very cIose to me when you are sIeeping with me."
That's the probIem with you guys.
You think that the mushy stuff is over at the wedding.
We still want the mushy stuff.
Why can't you try a IittIe?
I'm trying.
What do you want?
Some caring, some consideration.
Did you ever try being creative?
God, Iook at you!
Tuck in your shirts.
Okay, thank you.
Thanks for your heIp.
That's the way it is.
You asked my advice as a woman.
I'm telling you: You got to try harder.
Come on.
Check it out.
Very nice.
We're still just friends.
You better watch out You better watch out What is this?
That's just an earIy Christmas present for a good IittIe girI.
That's sweet.
What is it?
It's Magic Hands.
I thought I'd get you this now that I know what "rub your back" means.
Isn't that considerate?
Boy, Ray, you are just so transparent-- -That's not bad.
-Yeah, it's good.
-Yeah.
-I tried it.
-That's good.
Right there.
-There?
Oh, yes.
Yes, Raymond.
You just called me Raymond.
Well, this is about to be a speciaI occasion.
-Ray, it's caught in my hair.
-All right, easy.
Don't pull.
-Don't pull it!
-Stop moving.
I can't get it out if you're moving.
-You turn that thing off!
-Stop moving!
I'm still attached.
All right.
You're pulling on my hair.
It Iooks good on you, though.
On a cold and gray Chicago morn And another baby child is born in the ghetto In the ghetto And his mama cries 'Cause there's one thing that she don't need It's another hungry little mouth to feed In the ghetto People, don't you come and see -Hey.
-Hi.
What?
Nothing.
I just got a IittIe shiver.
Want me to turn up the heat?
Not that kind of shiver.
You gave me a shiver.
-Me?
-Yeah.
You just Iook kind of sexy.
What?
You know, with the sweeper, and....
Sweeper?
That's what does it for you?
No, but just watching you pIay with the kids this morning...
and then wearing these silly boxers that they gave you....
I don't know, just the fact that you're my husband, you take care of us...
and the whoIe picture.
Sweeping just put it over the top.
What are you doing to me here?
-What?
You're killing me!
-I wanted to Iet you knowhow I was feeIing.
You can't kiss me Iike that.
It's Christmas.
-Ally's up.
My parents are coming over now.
-I'm sorry.
You've activated the Iaunch sequence now.
What?
Merry Christmas!
Nice.
We usually hang ours on the door.
You made me wear this dumb sweater.
Ray's not even wearing pants.
I guess I'll go put cIothes on.
Yeah, I'll stir my eggs.
No, keep that on.
That's your Christmas sweater.
It's the sweater or the pants, Marie.
Something's coming off.
Look at this.
My K9 KringIe poIice dog ornament...
buried at the bottom of the tree.
That's typicaI.
No, it doesn't Iook good.
-It Iooks terribIe up there.
-Why?
Because of the two wooden ornaments.
You gotta have something shiny in-between.
Who gives a fIying squirreI about the ornaments?
The Iights are all wrong.
Forget the Iights.
Look at these garIands.
You can't just throw them on.
You've got to drape them.
I paid $15 for this ornament.
They toId me they Ioved it.
-Look out.
-You Iook out.
Okay, I'm putting K9 KringIe right here.
-No, it's worse up there.
-Marie, will you get out of the way?
I'm not taIking to you and your stupid Iights.
Didn't that fire teach you a Iesson, you maniac?
Hey, do me a favor.
Stick your toe in the water and twist this buIb right here.
It'd be worth it to get away from you.
Will you stop?
You're killing Christmas!
Oh, my God!
-What did you do?
-Nothing.
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
-Merry Christmas, kids.
You just hate anything bigger than you, don't you?
-Happy hoIidays.
-Ray, Iook at you.
-What are you doing?
-Your buttons are all off.
Oh, God.
You smell good.
I need you, Raymond.
We want to open our presents.
-Here, dear.
From me to you.
-Thank you, Marie.
And, Raymond, I got you something.
I got you something, too.
HoId on.
It's a housecoat.
I noticed you didn't have one.
It's just Iike mine.
So we couId be twins.
HoId it up.
Wow, Robert.
Yep, a remote-controlled repIica of a vintage P-51D Mustang...
fIown by Chuck Yeager, compIete with a fully operationaI sIide-away canopy.
Hey, goIf balls.
Yeah, well, I wanted to-- No, these are very good goIf balls.
And there's three of them.
HoId them up.
You know what?
Why don't you keep the pIane over at your house...
because it'll probabIy be safer there.
-Are you sure?
-You can use it whenever you want.
All right, great.
Thank you, Raymond.
And here, keep these goIf balls.
You can use them whenever you want.
That's IoveIy, and it is so you.
What do you think, Ray?
I just got a shiver.
Debra, the eggs FIorentine, eggs-traordinary.
Yes, dear.
You're really coming aIong.
Thank you, Marie.
I'm just gIad that you couId come aIong.
I'm stuffed.
Let's watch football.
Wait, Dad, how about you and I cIear the tabIe?
-What?
-Let's give Debra the rest of the day off.
No, don't be ridicuIous.
Debra and I can handIe it.
-No.
-Yeah, they can handIe it.
Come on, I think we shouId do it.
Well, thank you, Raymond.
What in hell's manger is wrong with you?
I just want to give the Iadies a break, you know?
Do something for Debra.
Why?
You know what I was thinking?
Maybe you and Mom want to take the kids this afternoon...
to your house.
Why?
Again, the Debra thing, you know?
Besides, they're your grandchiIdren, you Iove them...
and you want to spend time with them on Christmas, Iike peopIe.
I'm spending time with them here, and they're not breaking my stuff.
I know.
It'll give Debra and me a chance to reIax.
ReIax?
Why do you want to reIax?
What do you mean?
What?
-ReIax.
-What?
I read you Ioud and cIear.
Time for a IittIe nookie, saiIor?
No.
-On Christmas day yet.
-Come on, Dad.
Well, the nut does not fall far from the tree.
I remember, one Easter, your mother and I-- Dad, pIease, don't.
Don't worry about a thing, son.
I'm on the case.
Let's go, Marie.
-Dad, wait.
-Pack up your stuff and grab the kids.
-I didn't mean for this.
-Why are we Ieaving?
Ray and Debra want to reIax.
Dad, you don't have to do this.
Come on.
Why do they have to reIax?
They're young, they're in Iove.
You gotta be hit over the head with a mallet?
Figure it out.
Oh, my God!
Raymond, it's Christmas Day.
The baby Jesus was just born.
Okay, I found the batteries.
We are cIeared for takeoff.
So is my boy.
Everybody, grab your coats.
Chop, chop.
-What's going on?
-Nothing's going on.
You don't have to go.
-You don't understand.
-I understand it all too well, Raymond.
In my day, there was a IittIe something called seIf-controI.
-Not on Easter, 1962.
-Shush!
Enjoy yourseIves, kids.
And fIash the Iights when you're done.
We'll come back over.
So, what do you want to do?
I think the moment has passed, Ray.
Okay, that moment has.
But Iook, here comes another.
No, I wish I was in the mood, I really do.
But you wouIdn't want me to fake it, wouId you?
I'm easy to fooI.
I just can't beIieve you still want to after that atrocity downstairs.
Look, I don't.
I thought I did.
I wanted to give it a try...
but who am I kidding?
-I'm sorry, Ray.
-Okay, I'm back.
What?
I just don't think it's gonna happen.
It's not you, Ray.
It's them.
Don't do that.
Don't Iet them ruin it.
Come on, I'll put on the Santa shorts and the sweeper.
In the ghetto, in the ghetto Come on, try.
Just try a IittIe.
-You yelling at me isn't gonna work.
-Okay, all right.
So there's something that might work.
All right, I'm not yelling now.
I don't know, maybe try taIking to me, okay?
TaIk to me.
What am I doing here?
I'm taIking.
No, something nice, something romantic.
You....
I think you're the most beautifuI woman on the face of the earth...
and I will know that for as Iong as I Iive.
Forever.
You're so pathetic.
No, I mean it in a good way.
I'm sick ofjumping through hoops, all right?
I have my pride!
Get back here now, Raymond.
You heard me.
You just called me pathetic.
Yes, but you're never more sexy than when you're pathetic.
The mood has been hiding right behind pathetic.
That is brilliant.
I never wouId have thought to Iook there.
I'm okay.
-What's that noise?
-I don't care.
I was thinking maybe we'll keep the pIane over here.
Hey, Deb.
-Hey, Ray.
-What's up?
Give me change of $1.
-Hi, Erin.
-How you doing?
-Hey.
-I'm fine.
-Good.
I'll see you Iater.
-I'll see you Iater.
You were right, Ray.
Go pathetic.
Don't abuse it.