Programma Televisivo: Firefly - 1x11
Yeah.
That went well.
[ People Chattering Indistinctly ] Malcolm Reynolds.
You old son of a-- Come here!
Hey, Monty!
How you doing?
[ Laughing ] They didn't tell me you were picking up this leg of the run.
Yeah, work's been slow lately, so I thought I'd do some honest smuggling between jobs.
Where's that sorry-ass ship of yours?
Monty.
Two boats like ours, meeting on an empty rock like this.
That screams contraband to the feds.
Or have you forgotten that time you got pinched on Beylix?
Always thinkin', ain't ya?
Smarts, that's what you got.
Smarts.
Now, okay, wait.
Something's different.
Something is-- Something is, uh-- Yep.
The beard!
You shaved off your soup-catcher.
Yep.
I thought you were gonna wear that ugly chin-wig to the grave.
Yeah, so did I...
but she didn't much like my whiskers.
She?
Oh.
Bridget!
What the hell am I thinking?
I gotta introduce you to the missus.
Monty!
You have fallen from our noble bachelor ranks?
I wasn't lookin' to, but she just sort of swept me off my feet.
Bridget!
Well, she must be a rare specimen indeed.
Don't begin to cover it.
Mal, I want you to meet my Bridget.
So, you guys have met?
~ Take my love, take my land ~ ~ Take me where I cannot stand ~ ~ I don't care, I'm still free ~ ~ You can't take the sky from me ~ ~ Take me out to the black ~ ~ Tell them I ain't comin'back ~ ~ Burn the land and boil the sea ~ ~ You can't take the sky from me ~ ~ There's no place I can be ~ ~ Since I've found serenity ~ ~ But you can't take the sky from me ~ Mal, why you got a piece trained on my wife?
She ain't your wife, Monty.
Huh?
I married her, didn't I?
You ain't the only one.
Bridget!
Mal.
Bridget.
Hey, quit it,you two.
Here, now.
Knock it off.
Gorrammit, that's enough!
What the hell is going on here?
What do you mean, she ain't my wife?
She ain't your wife 'cause she's married to me!
Don't listen to him.
It's true.
About a half a year back at the Triumph settlement.
Only it wasn't Bridget then.
It was Saffron.
She hitched me by surprise, got on my ship and then tried to steal it out from under me!
She is cold as ice and dead crazy on top of it!
You're a liar, Malcolm Reynolds.
Now, I ain't never got to tellin' you his name.
Hell.
Fine, be like that.
[ Monty ] Damn you, Bridget.
Damn you to Hades.
You broke my heart in a million pieces.
You made me love you, and then you-- I shaved off my beard for you, devil woman.
[ Speaking Chinese ] You're gonna want to pull your claw out of that bag nice and slow.
Relax.
I'm not going for a gun or anything.
Just freshening up.
You and lipstick are a dangerous combination, if I recall.
Turn around.
[ Patting ] Oh, yeah,just like old times.
We don't have any old times.
I just don't want you pulling a pistol out of-- of anywhere.
[ Sighs ] You missed a spot.
Can't miss a place you've never been.
Marriage is hard work, Mal.
I know it.
That doesn't mean we should just give up.
Sure, we've had our spats.
Maybe I made some bad decisions along the way-- Oh, you are a tweaked one, you are.
But face it, hubby.
I'm really hot.
Mm-hmm.
Start walkin'.
Walking?
Walking where?
Pick a direction,just don't turn around.
Come on, Mal.
This is my scrap of nowhere.
You go on, find your own.
You can't just leave me here on this lifeless piece-of-crap moon.
I can.
I'll die.
Well, as a courtesy, you might start getting busy on that...
'cause all this chatter ain't doin' me any kindness.
Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me then?
I don't know.
Why didn't you shoot me...
back when I took my eyes off you for a split?
I'm ashamed to say it, but I gave you the window.
You and Monty fought in the war together, right?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I smelled that.
The war buddy bond is tough to crack.
I knew that if I shot you I'd lose Monty anyways.
You just had a better hand of cards this time.
It ain't a hand of cards.
It's called a life.
Seriously, Mal, you gotta give me a ride.
[ Chuckles ] Woman, you are completely off your nut.
I won't make trouble.
You can stick me in one of those crates if you like.
Just don't leave me here.
This was all your fault,you know.
I had the perfect crime lined up.
Sure, you were gonna steal a man's beard.
No, you-- [ Chinese ] A million-square job.
The big time.
I was gonna cut Monty and his crew in, but you screwed that royal.
Odd, but I don't think I'll be losin' any sleep over it.
I've got the layout, entrance codes.
Believe me.
This practically robs itself.
Bye-bye, now.
I'm handing you a fortune on a gold platter, sweetheart.
Don't you even want to hear the details?
Whoa, Cap.
Don't tell me you got into a fight with Monty.
Oh, really?
But I thought we loved Monty.
We love Monty, don't we?
If he had a tussle with that Sasquatch, we'd all be in the dirt right about now...
scoopin' up the captain's teeth-- Ain't that so, sir?
You know what?
I don't particular wanna talk about it.
We got work to do.
Let's shut up and do it.
Inara was asking for you.
Wanted-- [ Groans ] So, later with the talking then.
[ Mouths Words ] [ Door Opens ] Hear you're looking for me?
I was.
Care to sit?
I was hoping we could talk a little business.
Would you like some tea?
Okay.
What's your game?
I offered you tea.
Mm-hmm.
After inviting me into your shuttle, of your own free will.
Which makes two events without precedent.
Which makes me more than a little skittish.
Honestly, Mal, if we can't be civilized and talk-- I'm plenty civilized.
You're usin' wiles on me.
I'm using what?
Your feminine wiles.
Your Companion training, or some might say...
uncanny ability to make a man sweaty and/or compliant...
of which I've had just about enough of today.
Maybe this isn't the best time.
No, no.
This is a fine time.
You just talk plainly is all.
I'm not sleeping with you, Mal.
Uh, no, I think I would have noticed.
I think my keenly trained senses-- You're not my lover-- neither are you my mother, my house mistress...
nor anyone who has the slightest say on how I conduct my affairs.
Well enough.
So?
So let me conduct my affairs.
Who's keeping you from conduct-- I haven't had a client for three weeks.
Backwater moons, slums...
frontier planets without so much as a temple built.
-We go where the work is.
-There's all kinds of work, Mal.
And ours is the kind that gets you shut down by the Alliance.
I opt to stay off the radar.
There are plenty of worlds where both of us could work.
We used to visit them, remember?
[ Chinese ] Are you saying I'm doing this deliberate on account of you?
That there's some reason I want you off the job?
Is there?
[ Chuckles ] This is one of the crazier things I've heard today.
And when I tell you about the rest of my day, you'll appreciate-- I'm not accusing you of anything, Mal.
Hey, no.
Let's set a course for the planet of the lonely, rich, yet appropriately hygienic, man.
We can park there for a month.
Not all of your work is illegal, Mal.
Wanna keep me off the job now?
The best job you ever pulled was on a central planet.
How about I stay out of your whoring-- That didn't take long.
You keep out of my thieving.
I know my job very well.
Thank you very much.
Right, you're a criminal mastermind.
What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
That was-- What was the cargo?
They were dolls.
They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled.
Hey, people love those!
And what exactly was our net profit...
on the famous wobbly headed doll caper?
Uh, "our" cut?
So, you're in the gang now.
Since I can't seem to find work as Companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you.
Petty?
I didn't mean petty.
What did you mean?
[ Chinese ] That's Chinese for "petty."
No, that's a narrow-- There are nuances of meaning-- Maybe you should've stuck with your wiles.
Don't put all of this on me, Mal.
You know you haven't been after serious work-- Serious work?
You want to know-- If-- I-- What?
Nothin'.
All right.
Tell me more about this job of yours.
[ Saffron ] The mark's name is Durran Haymer.
He may be one of the biggest collectors of Earth-That-Was artifacts in the 'verse.
Guy's got warehouses full of stuff.
But his prize piece is sitting in his parlor-- an antiquity of unspeakable value-- the Lassiter.
The original handheld laser pistol.
One of only two known to still exist.
The forerunner of all modern laser technology.
Haymer got lucky, picked it up during the war for nothing.
But it wasn't just luck.
Tell 'em.
Haymer's Alliance.
Bio-weapons expert during the war.
He'd target neighborhoods with valuables...
wipe out every living soul without ever damaging the goods.
Go in, take whatever he wanted.
Now he's livin' fat on a private estate on Bellerophon.
[ Saffron ] I've managed to get ahold...
of his schedule for the next eighteen months...
a layout of the estate grounds and every security code for the place.
Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
I'm confused-- [ Saffron ] You're asking yourself...
if I've got the security codes, why don't I grab it for myself?
No, actually, I was wondering...
what's she doing on this ship?
Didn't she try to kill us?
Please.
Nobody died last time.
We're in space.
How'd she get here?
She hitched.
I don't recall pulling over.
The point is this ain't no wobbly headed doll caper.
This here's history.
Okay, I got a question.
If she's got the security codes, why don't shejust walk in and grab it herself?.
Good point.
Getting through the door and putting our hands on the Lassiter, it's easy.
Getting out with it, that's the tricky part.
It's tagged and coded.
Second it passes through the door-- alarms, security, feds.
This isn't a one-woman operation.
To do this right I'm gonna need-- [ Inara ] Idiots.
Partners.
Dupes.
That's what you'll all be if you trust her.
Could be that's so.
Lord knows, ain't none of us here criminal masterminds.
So, if you've got something better, Inara, something not petty...
well, we'd sure be willing to hear it.
[ Chinese ] [ Mal ] So, the question remains-- how do we get the artifact out without setting off the alarms?
This the layout?
[ Saffron ] Full blueprints of the entire grounds.
Could be we look hard enough we'll find a way.
You dig into that, little Kaylee.
Zoe?
You ain't said a word.
Time to weigh in.
Take sounds ripe enough, assuming we can fence it.
I know a guy on Persephone-- already has half dozen buyers on the bid.
But Inara ain't wrong.
She can't be trusted.
I ain't askin' you to trust her.
I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.
See there?
All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is get over it.
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
I'm in.
Captain says you're to stay put.
Doesn't want you to run afoul of his blushing psychotic bride.
She figures out who you are, she'll turn you in before you can say... "
Don't turn me in, lady."
This bounty on us just keeps getting more exciting.
Well, I wouldn't know.
She's a liar.
That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us.
The plunder sounds fun enough.
She's a liar, and no good will come of her.
Well, as a rule I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
Jayne is a girl's name.
Well,Jayne ain't a girl!
If she starts in on that girl's name thing...
I'll show her good and all I got man parts.
I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder.
I just-- It's not coming.
[ Chuckles ] I was gonna leave you a deck of cards.
Great.
[ Sighs ] Another exciting adventure in sitting.
Afraid.
We'll be okay.
Why the captain is trusting that-- [ Chinese ] Not her.
Jayne.
Afraid?
Since when.
Since Ariel.
Afraid we'll know.
We should be on Bellerophon by oh-six.
I figure the job should take-- I really don't wanna know.
At least it's your kind of world.
Got appointments made?
Minute we hit atmo, I'm gone.
I've booked a few clients.
Should help me get my mind off of Mal's descent into lunacy.
Zoe, don't let Mal trust her.
Everything Saffron is is a lie.
She'll get the drop on him, which, as far as I'm concerned, is what he richly deserves.
I ain't sayin' it ain't risky.
Don't count Mal out, though.
He just knows the estate is-- No details.
I meant that.
Just be careful.
See ya when we're wealthy.
[ Chuckles ] Hey, you give me a hand in here.
No wanderin'about, remember?
Or I'll stick you back in your crate.
Bellerophon Estates-- home to the rich and paranoid.
Gracious living, ocean views and state-of-the-art security...
including local patrols and...
multi-code keys needed at all entrances and exits.
Which we have.
Right.
You and Mal will split off in shuttle two as we make our approach.
There's a landing port just south of the main house.
Prepare for landing.
You ready?
Ready.
[ Wash ] Haymer's throwing a big party this weekend...
so you should have no trouble blending in with the hired help who'll be there setting up.
All you gotta do is get through the back door.
That shouldn't be a problem, unless someone has been less than truthful.
[ Beeps ] [ Door Unlocks ] [ Kaylee ] The parlor with the Lassiter is on the ninth floor.
You'll have to disable the display.
Won't be any trouble.
Once you get the goods, you can't take it out the front door...
nor the back door, nor any door.
Every piece of pretty is tagged for the scanners.
So what do we do?
You wanna tell 'em?
It was your genius idea.
You chuck it in the garbage.
All the estates on Bellerophon use this automated garbage drone system.
You hit one little button, and the drone whooshes off with the trash.
Brilliant.
Thanks.
Except it's idiotic.
The drones take the disposal bins straight to reclamation.
Thirty seconds after we hit the button, the booty will be incinerated.
Not if we reprogram the bin.
Give it new coordinates.
Once I override the standard guidance protocol...
I can tell that disposal bin to go wherever we want.
And where would that be?
The loneliest piece of desert we can find.
Here, Isis Canyon.
The drone dumps the bin, we claim the goods when we're all together again.
And how do you plan to get to the bin to reprogram it?
You get to the loot, and we'll get to the bin.
[Jayne ] All right, we're planted.
Take her up.
[ Beeping ] That's good, that's good.
Hold her steady.
Hold her there.
Clear.
Which way?
[ Beeps ] Right.
[ Beeping ] This should be it.
[ Chinese ] Let's get to work.
Yeah.
[ Beeping ] Okay, she's set.
Be careful.
It's hot.
Gorrammit, Wash!
Hold it steady!
Sorry.
Jayne, the dyna-ram's live.
What?
The dyna-ram, don't touch-- Oh, no.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where's the trash chute?
We passed it in the vestibule.
Wait, shh.
Someone's coming.
You!
You found her.
You brought back my wife.
[ Durran ] Oh, my dear.
[ Mouths Words ] My own sweet Yolanda.
[ Grunts ] This boy weighs a solid ton.
Doctor, you got yourself a patient to see to.
Yes.
I'll take care of him.
I thought I'd never see you again.
[ Laughs ] Forgive me.
I don't mean to make a show.
Please, I'm the one who's intruding.
Not at all.
I owe you a great debt of thanks.
I just gave the lady a lift.
No, you've done much more than that.
You've returned to me the only thing I truly treasure.
Well, then this is a day I'll feel good to be me.
Do I owe you any reward?
No, uh-- The trip weren't even out of our way.
I promised him 800 square.
No, but we never agreed-- Please.
I'd be embarrassed not to make some recompense.
In my study-- Well, are you hungry?
You both look so tired.
There's food or-- Yolanda, I'm babbling like a moon brain.
Hush.
We'll both have plenty to say by nightfall.
Six years.
Is that all?
From the day they found your shuttle.
They set on me at Parth.
These awful men.
That wasn't me.
I didn't know those men.
They said they wanted ransom, but...
they sold me to slavers.
Also unknown to me.
When you left, I thought-- Well, you disappeared the same day as Heinrich.
Heinrich?
The security programmer.
And he was young and...
I saw you two talking, and I thought-- But after they found his body-- They killed Heinrich?
Well, I guess he wasn't useful anymore.
I never stopped looking.
I knew you wouldn't.
That's the thought that kept me alive.
We have so much time to make up.
Well, that's my cue to skedaddle.
Let me get your money.
You won't disappear again?
Never.
We gotta move fast.
Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act.
You don't know him.
He's everything I said he was.
Oh, yeah, he's a killer of men.
Why, I'll bet he even eats up babies.
You're wasting time.
But let's take a breath here, Yolanda.
We're sneakin' into a place you could walk into as welcome as glad news.
What's the math on that?
The math on that is you not adding up that Durran would as soon cut your throat as-- You would?
If possible.
Nope, that ain't it at all.
You'd have knocked him in the brain were that the case.
You don't want him to know the truth.
Unlike all the other-- I'm gonna go with-- hundreds of men you've married...
you actually want this one to think well of you when you've gone.
My God, could it be-- [ Machine Shuts Down ] I've actually met your real husband?
Congratulations.
Anything else you want on your tombstone, you piece of crap?
Now I'm intruding.
Durran, this isn't what it looks like.
Unless it looks like we're stealing your priceless Lassiter...
'cause that's what we're doing.
Don't ask me about the gun, though, 'cause that's new.
Well, I appreciate your honesty.
Not,you know, a lot, but-- Durran, you don't know what he's forced me to-- Stop.
Yolanda, please,just stop.
Don't look at me like that.
I said don't look at me like that!
Almost done.
I just gotta plug the interface strike plate in and-- [ Beeping ] That's a pickup call.
How we doing?
I can't reach it.
Wash, we need more altitude now!
Working on it, dear.
Kaylee.
Kaylee.
Kaylee, Kaylee, Kaylee, Kaylee-- Okay, got it!
Let's not get all worked up here.
Are you really so naive?
Do you think your life is anything to me?
All right.
No one's killing any folk today on account of we got a very tight schedule.
[ Chinese ] We'll get on about our-- Drop it now!
[ Guns Clatters On Floor ] Did you think I was a princess?
That I would stay locked up here in the tower?
With you?
I hoped.
You're a rutting fool.
[ Zoe ] We're in.
Go.
Go.
Copy that.
[ Beeps ] Saffron, you want to finish the damn job here 'cause we're short on minutes.
I'm sorry, mister.
How long have you been with him?
We are not together.
He's my husband.
Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?
I feel so bad for you.
[ Chuckles ] Bad for me?
I'm not the patsy being stole from.
If you had half a brain you'd have called the feds the minute you saw me.
Oh, I did.
Emergency signal.
For kidnappings and the like.
I love you, Yolanda.
But I couldn't think for a second...
that you actually came here for me.
[ Sirens Wailing ] [ Ships Flying By ] That would be them now.
Men.
Durran, peaches.
Just call them off.
Tell them it was a mistake.
You need help, Yolanda.
I'll do anything you want me to.
You know how I can make you feel.
Hmm.
Please.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I'm embarrassing?
Who's the dupe on the floor?
I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.
This is police responding to an emergency code call.
Request entry all points.
[ Alarm Blaring ] [ Chinese ] What are you doing?
Good security.
[ Man ] Show some identification.
Move.
[ Gun Fires ] Nope.
Let's go.
[ Beeping ] That had to be tough.
Yeah, have yourself a great guffaw.
No, I mean it.
Six years...
knowing he was holding such treasures, and you didn't move on him.
I gotta figure that's a job you told yourself you'd never take.
Till times got hard enough, and the one line you hadn't crossed-- My name's not Yolanda.
Never entered my mind it was.
I tried.
I actually tried.
I thought this is a decent man.
The genuine article.
A working man.
Struggling to get by with the barest necessities on his private floatin' island.
Yeah, he had money.
I thought it would help.
I thought if I had everything, then I wouldn't want-- Heinrich the security programmer.
You know, I'd forgotten his name.
Addressing the itch of curiousness...
you marry him too?
No.
I didn't kill him either.
No.
Don't reckon there's many you killed.
Just put 'em in a position to die easy.
I should have killed Durran.
Right.
The one guy who don't have it comin'.
The man who knows you, still loves you, treachery and all.
No, can't have him walkin' about.
You must be loving this.
A little bit.
I seen you without your clothes on before.
Never thought I'd see you naked.
Can people ever change?
Depends on the person.
I'm guessin'...
the pain of this fades away, you'll just go back to being what you are.
What is that?
A brilliant...
beautiful, evil double-crossing snake.
Cheer up, weepy.
You made yourself a boatload of hard cash today.
You can question the meaning of life on a floaty island of your own for a while.
You won't tell anyone about me breaking down.
I won't.
Then I won't tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your holster.
I'll take that as a kindness.
You just may be the most gullible fool I ever marked.
And that makes you special.
Well, you can riddle me with holes, Yolanda...
but that won't make what I just saw anything but truth.
I played you from minute one.
You got me at barrel's end.
Who am I to argue?
What's your move?
We'll be setting down in the desert...
leave you to set a spell.
Oh, and speaking of naked.
No, now that's just low.
Kind of evens things out though, don't you think?
Pants.
I really don't see the benefit to this.
I mean, however I may slip...
you're not gonna catch my crew with their trousers down.
you're not gonna catch my crew with their trousers down.
Can't turn.
What?
Can't turn.
Not getting any tug from the aft alternator.
That don't make no sense.
Unless-- Yep.
[ Chinese ] The filament on the grav-dampener's stripped.
Who could have done that?
I can fix it, but she must have put a timer on the motivator and wet-wired the-- What does it mean, Kaylee?
We ain't gonna make the rendezvous.
We have to land-- Now.
No!
No!
You dirty, dirty whore!
Yeah, you better run!
God!
Oh!
Where is it?
Oh, it's not here!
Looking for this?
I wonder if it works.
[ Powers Up ] [ Shutting Down ] Oh, well, it's still worth a fortune.
Anyway, this works fine.
Honey, you look horrific.
What are you doing here?
Oh,just my part of the job.
What part of the job?
You know, I put on the big act, storm away in a huff.
Then I fly off, wait for you to double-cross Mal, beat you to the rendezvous spot...
and grab the loot before you can get to it.
What?
You didn't see it coming?
Uh-uh.
You know, I'm a little disappointed.
Some of the crew's performances weren't quite as nuanced as they could have been.
I thought they tipped the fact we were playing you...
from the second Mal took you out of that crate.
Oh, well.
Guess not.
No, you can't do this!
You're not gonna die, you big baby.
The authorities will be here in a few hours to dig you out.
You can't do this.
I have a condition.
[Jayne ] Whoa.
What goin' on?
You got knocked out.
Huh?
Did we get a payoff?
Did we get the money?
Can you move your arms and legs?
Huh?
They're not movin'.
Do you wanna know why?
Your spine.
You hit it pretty hard when you fell.
Oh.
'Pine?
Yes.
So I gave you something to knock out your motor functions...
so you wouldn't wrench it when you came to.
Should wear off in a half an hour.
You'll just be bruised.
Is 'pine okay?
How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?
That's crazy talk.
Then let's talk crazy.
[ Gulps ] How much?
Anybody there?
Anybody else?
You're in a dangerous line of work,Jayne.
Odds are you'll be under my knife again-- often.
[ Grunts ] So I want you to understand one thing very clearly.
No matter what you do or say or plot...
no matter how you come down on us...
I will never ever harm you.
You're on this table, you're safe.
'Cause I'm your medic...
and however little we may like or trust each other...
we're on the same crew.
Got the same troubles, same enemies and more than enough of both.
Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open...
but that thought wearies me.
I don't care what you've done.
I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you.
I think you should do the same.
'Cause I don't see this working any other way.
Also...
I can kill you with my brain.
[ Grunts ] Yeah.
That went well.
You call this going well?
We got the loot, didn't we?
Yes, but-- Then I call it a win.
What's the problem?
Should I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere...
or the part where you have no clothes?
All according to plan.
Really?
I thought the plan was for me to act as a fail-safe in case everything else went wrong.
Like if Saffron disabled Serenity and left you for dead.
Nonsense.
You had a key role to play in this.
How sad would you have been if you hadn't gotten to play it?
Heartbroken.
See?
All according to plan.
Wash, take us out of the world.
Zoe, contact Brennert and Ellison.
See if they'd be interested in fencing a priceless artifact for us.
What?
[ Stammering ] Okay.
Good work, Cap'n.
Thank you, Kaylee.
[ Sighs ] [ Door Shutting ] Good day.
Grr!
Arrgh!
That went well.
[ People Chattering Indistinctly ] Malcolm Reynolds.
You old son of a-- Come here!
Hey, Monty!
How you doing?
[ Laughing ] They didn't tell me you were picking up this leg of the run.
Yeah, work's been slow lately, so I thought I'd do some honest smuggling between jobs.
Where's that sorry-ass ship of yours?
Monty.
Two boats like ours, meeting on an empty rock like this.
That screams contraband to the feds.
Or have you forgotten that time you got pinched on Beylix?
Always thinkin', ain't ya?
Smarts, that's what you got.
Smarts.
Now, okay, wait.
Something's different.
Something is-- Something is, uh-- Yep.
The beard!
You shaved off your soup-catcher.
Yep.
I thought you were gonna wear that ugly chin-wig to the grave.
Yeah, so did I...
but she didn't much like my whiskers.
She?
Oh.
Bridget!
What the hell am I thinking?
I gotta introduce you to the missus.
Monty!
You have fallen from our noble bachelor ranks?
I wasn't lookin' to, but she just sort of swept me off my feet.
Bridget!
Well, she must be a rare specimen indeed.
Don't begin to cover it.
Mal, I want you to meet my Bridget.
So, you guys have met?
~ Take my love, take my land ~ ~ Take me where I cannot stand ~ ~ I don't care, I'm still free ~ ~ You can't take the sky from me ~ ~ Take me out to the black ~ ~ Tell them I ain't comin'back ~ ~ Burn the land and boil the sea ~ ~ You can't take the sky from me ~ ~ There's no place I can be ~ ~ Since I've found serenity ~ ~ But you can't take the sky from me ~ Mal, why you got a piece trained on my wife?
She ain't your wife, Monty.
Huh?
I married her, didn't I?
You ain't the only one.
Bridget!
Mal.
Bridget.
Hey, quit it,you two.
Here, now.
Knock it off.
Gorrammit, that's enough!
What the hell is going on here?
What do you mean, she ain't my wife?
She ain't your wife 'cause she's married to me!
Don't listen to him.
It's true.
About a half a year back at the Triumph settlement.
Only it wasn't Bridget then.
It was Saffron.
She hitched me by surprise, got on my ship and then tried to steal it out from under me!
She is cold as ice and dead crazy on top of it!
You're a liar, Malcolm Reynolds.
Now, I ain't never got to tellin' you his name.
Hell.
Fine, be like that.
[ Monty ] Damn you, Bridget.
Damn you to Hades.
You broke my heart in a million pieces.
You made me love you, and then you-- I shaved off my beard for you, devil woman.
[ Speaking Chinese ] You're gonna want to pull your claw out of that bag nice and slow.
Relax.
I'm not going for a gun or anything.
Just freshening up.
You and lipstick are a dangerous combination, if I recall.
Turn around.
[ Patting ] Oh, yeah,just like old times.
We don't have any old times.
I just don't want you pulling a pistol out of-- of anywhere.
[ Sighs ] You missed a spot.
Can't miss a place you've never been.
Marriage is hard work, Mal.
I know it.
That doesn't mean we should just give up.
Sure, we've had our spats.
Maybe I made some bad decisions along the way-- Oh, you are a tweaked one, you are.
But face it, hubby.
I'm really hot.
Mm-hmm.
Start walkin'.
Walking?
Walking where?
Pick a direction,just don't turn around.
Come on, Mal.
This is my scrap of nowhere.
You go on, find your own.
You can't just leave me here on this lifeless piece-of-crap moon.
I can.
I'll die.
Well, as a courtesy, you might start getting busy on that...
'cause all this chatter ain't doin' me any kindness.
Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me then?
I don't know.
Why didn't you shoot me...
back when I took my eyes off you for a split?
I'm ashamed to say it, but I gave you the window.
You and Monty fought in the war together, right?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I smelled that.
The war buddy bond is tough to crack.
I knew that if I shot you I'd lose Monty anyways.
You just had a better hand of cards this time.
It ain't a hand of cards.
It's called a life.
Seriously, Mal, you gotta give me a ride.
[ Chuckles ] Woman, you are completely off your nut.
I won't make trouble.
You can stick me in one of those crates if you like.
Just don't leave me here.
This was all your fault,you know.
I had the perfect crime lined up.
Sure, you were gonna steal a man's beard.
No, you-- [ Chinese ] A million-square job.
The big time.
I was gonna cut Monty and his crew in, but you screwed that royal.
Odd, but I don't think I'll be losin' any sleep over it.
I've got the layout, entrance codes.
Believe me.
This practically robs itself.
Bye-bye, now.
I'm handing you a fortune on a gold platter, sweetheart.
Don't you even want to hear the details?
Whoa, Cap.
Don't tell me you got into a fight with Monty.
Oh, really?
But I thought we loved Monty.
We love Monty, don't we?
If he had a tussle with that Sasquatch, we'd all be in the dirt right about now...
scoopin' up the captain's teeth-- Ain't that so, sir?
You know what?
I don't particular wanna talk about it.
We got work to do.
Let's shut up and do it.
Inara was asking for you.
Wanted-- [ Groans ] So, later with the talking then.
[ Mouths Words ] [ Door Opens ] Hear you're looking for me?
I was.
Care to sit?
I was hoping we could talk a little business.
Would you like some tea?
Okay.
What's your game?
I offered you tea.
Mm-hmm.
After inviting me into your shuttle, of your own free will.
Which makes two events without precedent.
Which makes me more than a little skittish.
Honestly, Mal, if we can't be civilized and talk-- I'm plenty civilized.
You're usin' wiles on me.
I'm using what?
Your feminine wiles.
Your Companion training, or some might say...
uncanny ability to make a man sweaty and/or compliant...
of which I've had just about enough of today.
Maybe this isn't the best time.
No, no.
This is a fine time.
You just talk plainly is all.
I'm not sleeping with you, Mal.
Uh, no, I think I would have noticed.
I think my keenly trained senses-- You're not my lover-- neither are you my mother, my house mistress...
nor anyone who has the slightest say on how I conduct my affairs.
Well enough.
So?
So let me conduct my affairs.
Who's keeping you from conduct-- I haven't had a client for three weeks.
Backwater moons, slums...
frontier planets without so much as a temple built.
-We go where the work is.
-There's all kinds of work, Mal.
And ours is the kind that gets you shut down by the Alliance.
I opt to stay off the radar.
There are plenty of worlds where both of us could work.
We used to visit them, remember?
[ Chinese ] Are you saying I'm doing this deliberate on account of you?
That there's some reason I want you off the job?
Is there?
[ Chuckles ] This is one of the crazier things I've heard today.
And when I tell you about the rest of my day, you'll appreciate-- I'm not accusing you of anything, Mal.
Hey, no.
Let's set a course for the planet of the lonely, rich, yet appropriately hygienic, man.
We can park there for a month.
Not all of your work is illegal, Mal.
Wanna keep me off the job now?
The best job you ever pulled was on a central planet.
How about I stay out of your whoring-- That didn't take long.
You keep out of my thieving.
I know my job very well.
Thank you very much.
Right, you're a criminal mastermind.
What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
That was-- What was the cargo?
They were dolls.
They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled.
Hey, people love those!
And what exactly was our net profit...
on the famous wobbly headed doll caper?
Uh, "our" cut?
So, you're in the gang now.
Since I can't seem to find work as Companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you.
Petty?
I didn't mean petty.
What did you mean?
[ Chinese ] That's Chinese for "petty."
No, that's a narrow-- There are nuances of meaning-- Maybe you should've stuck with your wiles.
Don't put all of this on me, Mal.
You know you haven't been after serious work-- Serious work?
You want to know-- If-- I-- What?
Nothin'.
All right.
Tell me more about this job of yours.
[ Saffron ] The mark's name is Durran Haymer.
He may be one of the biggest collectors of Earth-That-Was artifacts in the 'verse.
Guy's got warehouses full of stuff.
But his prize piece is sitting in his parlor-- an antiquity of unspeakable value-- the Lassiter.
The original handheld laser pistol.
One of only two known to still exist.
The forerunner of all modern laser technology.
Haymer got lucky, picked it up during the war for nothing.
But it wasn't just luck.
Tell 'em.
Haymer's Alliance.
Bio-weapons expert during the war.
He'd target neighborhoods with valuables...
wipe out every living soul without ever damaging the goods.
Go in, take whatever he wanted.
Now he's livin' fat on a private estate on Bellerophon.
[ Saffron ] I've managed to get ahold...
of his schedule for the next eighteen months...
a layout of the estate grounds and every security code for the place.
Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
I'm confused-- [ Saffron ] You're asking yourself...
if I've got the security codes, why don't I grab it for myself?
No, actually, I was wondering...
what's she doing on this ship?
Didn't she try to kill us?
Please.
Nobody died last time.
We're in space.
How'd she get here?
She hitched.
I don't recall pulling over.
The point is this ain't no wobbly headed doll caper.
This here's history.
Okay, I got a question.
If she's got the security codes, why don't shejust walk in and grab it herself?.
Good point.
Getting through the door and putting our hands on the Lassiter, it's easy.
Getting out with it, that's the tricky part.
It's tagged and coded.
Second it passes through the door-- alarms, security, feds.
This isn't a one-woman operation.
To do this right I'm gonna need-- [ Inara ] Idiots.
Partners.
Dupes.
That's what you'll all be if you trust her.
Could be that's so.
Lord knows, ain't none of us here criminal masterminds.
So, if you've got something better, Inara, something not petty...
well, we'd sure be willing to hear it.
[ Chinese ] [ Mal ] So, the question remains-- how do we get the artifact out without setting off the alarms?
This the layout?
[ Saffron ] Full blueprints of the entire grounds.
Could be we look hard enough we'll find a way.
You dig into that, little Kaylee.
Zoe?
You ain't said a word.
Time to weigh in.
Take sounds ripe enough, assuming we can fence it.
I know a guy on Persephone-- already has half dozen buyers on the bid.
But Inara ain't wrong.
She can't be trusted.
I ain't askin' you to trust her.
I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.
See there?
All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is get over it.
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
I'm in.
Captain says you're to stay put.
Doesn't want you to run afoul of his blushing psychotic bride.
She figures out who you are, she'll turn you in before you can say... "
Don't turn me in, lady."
This bounty on us just keeps getting more exciting.
Well, I wouldn't know.
She's a liar.
That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us.
The plunder sounds fun enough.
She's a liar, and no good will come of her.
Well, as a rule I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
Jayne is a girl's name.
Well,Jayne ain't a girl!
If she starts in on that girl's name thing...
I'll show her good and all I got man parts.
I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder.
I just-- It's not coming.
[ Chuckles ] I was gonna leave you a deck of cards.
Great.
[ Sighs ] Another exciting adventure in sitting.
Afraid.
We'll be okay.
Why the captain is trusting that-- [ Chinese ] Not her.
Jayne.
Afraid?
Since when.
Since Ariel.
Afraid we'll know.
We should be on Bellerophon by oh-six.
I figure the job should take-- I really don't wanna know.
At least it's your kind of world.
Got appointments made?
Minute we hit atmo, I'm gone.
I've booked a few clients.
Should help me get my mind off of Mal's descent into lunacy.
Zoe, don't let Mal trust her.
Everything Saffron is is a lie.
She'll get the drop on him, which, as far as I'm concerned, is what he richly deserves.
I ain't sayin' it ain't risky.
Don't count Mal out, though.
He just knows the estate is-- No details.
I meant that.
Just be careful.
See ya when we're wealthy.
[ Chuckles ] Hey, you give me a hand in here.
No wanderin'about, remember?
Or I'll stick you back in your crate.
Bellerophon Estates-- home to the rich and paranoid.
Gracious living, ocean views and state-of-the-art security...
including local patrols and...
multi-code keys needed at all entrances and exits.
Which we have.
Right.
You and Mal will split off in shuttle two as we make our approach.
There's a landing port just south of the main house.
Prepare for landing.
You ready?
Ready.
[ Wash ] Haymer's throwing a big party this weekend...
so you should have no trouble blending in with the hired help who'll be there setting up.
All you gotta do is get through the back door.
That shouldn't be a problem, unless someone has been less than truthful.
[ Beeps ] [ Door Unlocks ] [ Kaylee ] The parlor with the Lassiter is on the ninth floor.
You'll have to disable the display.
Won't be any trouble.
Once you get the goods, you can't take it out the front door...
nor the back door, nor any door.
Every piece of pretty is tagged for the scanners.
So what do we do?
You wanna tell 'em?
It was your genius idea.
You chuck it in the garbage.
All the estates on Bellerophon use this automated garbage drone system.
You hit one little button, and the drone whooshes off with the trash.
Brilliant.
Thanks.
Except it's idiotic.
The drones take the disposal bins straight to reclamation.
Thirty seconds after we hit the button, the booty will be incinerated.
Not if we reprogram the bin.
Give it new coordinates.
Once I override the standard guidance protocol...
I can tell that disposal bin to go wherever we want.
And where would that be?
The loneliest piece of desert we can find.
Here, Isis Canyon.
The drone dumps the bin, we claim the goods when we're all together again.
And how do you plan to get to the bin to reprogram it?
You get to the loot, and we'll get to the bin.
[Jayne ] All right, we're planted.
Take her up.
[ Beeping ] That's good, that's good.
Hold her steady.
Hold her there.
Clear.
Which way?
[ Beeps ] Right.
[ Beeping ] This should be it.
[ Chinese ] Let's get to work.
Yeah.
[ Beeping ] Okay, she's set.
Be careful.
It's hot.
Gorrammit, Wash!
Hold it steady!
Sorry.
Jayne, the dyna-ram's live.
What?
The dyna-ram, don't touch-- Oh, no.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where's the trash chute?
We passed it in the vestibule.
Wait, shh.
Someone's coming.
You!
You found her.
You brought back my wife.
[ Durran ] Oh, my dear.
[ Mouths Words ] My own sweet Yolanda.
[ Grunts ] This boy weighs a solid ton.
Doctor, you got yourself a patient to see to.
Yes.
I'll take care of him.
I thought I'd never see you again.
[ Laughs ] Forgive me.
I don't mean to make a show.
Please, I'm the one who's intruding.
Not at all.
I owe you a great debt of thanks.
I just gave the lady a lift.
No, you've done much more than that.
You've returned to me the only thing I truly treasure.
Well, then this is a day I'll feel good to be me.
Do I owe you any reward?
No, uh-- The trip weren't even out of our way.
I promised him 800 square.
No, but we never agreed-- Please.
I'd be embarrassed not to make some recompense.
In my study-- Well, are you hungry?
You both look so tired.
There's food or-- Yolanda, I'm babbling like a moon brain.
Hush.
We'll both have plenty to say by nightfall.
Six years.
Is that all?
From the day they found your shuttle.
They set on me at Parth.
These awful men.
That wasn't me.
I didn't know those men.
They said they wanted ransom, but...
they sold me to slavers.
Also unknown to me.
When you left, I thought-- Well, you disappeared the same day as Heinrich.
Heinrich?
The security programmer.
And he was young and...
I saw you two talking, and I thought-- But after they found his body-- They killed Heinrich?
Well, I guess he wasn't useful anymore.
I never stopped looking.
I knew you wouldn't.
That's the thought that kept me alive.
We have so much time to make up.
Well, that's my cue to skedaddle.
Let me get your money.
You won't disappear again?
Never.
We gotta move fast.
Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act.
You don't know him.
He's everything I said he was.
Oh, yeah, he's a killer of men.
Why, I'll bet he even eats up babies.
You're wasting time.
But let's take a breath here, Yolanda.
We're sneakin' into a place you could walk into as welcome as glad news.
What's the math on that?
The math on that is you not adding up that Durran would as soon cut your throat as-- You would?
If possible.
Nope, that ain't it at all.
You'd have knocked him in the brain were that the case.
You don't want him to know the truth.
Unlike all the other-- I'm gonna go with-- hundreds of men you've married...
you actually want this one to think well of you when you've gone.
My God, could it be-- [ Machine Shuts Down ] I've actually met your real husband?
Congratulations.
Anything else you want on your tombstone, you piece of crap?
Now I'm intruding.
Durran, this isn't what it looks like.
Unless it looks like we're stealing your priceless Lassiter...
'cause that's what we're doing.
Don't ask me about the gun, though, 'cause that's new.
Well, I appreciate your honesty.
Not,you know, a lot, but-- Durran, you don't know what he's forced me to-- Stop.
Yolanda, please,just stop.
Don't look at me like that.
I said don't look at me like that!
Almost done.
I just gotta plug the interface strike plate in and-- [ Beeping ] That's a pickup call.
How we doing?
I can't reach it.
Wash, we need more altitude now!
Working on it, dear.
Kaylee.
Kaylee.
Kaylee, Kaylee, Kaylee, Kaylee-- Okay, got it!
Let's not get all worked up here.
Are you really so naive?
Do you think your life is anything to me?
All right.
No one's killing any folk today on account of we got a very tight schedule.
[ Chinese ] We'll get on about our-- Drop it now!
[ Guns Clatters On Floor ] Did you think I was a princess?
That I would stay locked up here in the tower?
With you?
I hoped.
You're a rutting fool.
[ Zoe ] We're in.
Go.
Go.
Copy that.
[ Beeps ] Saffron, you want to finish the damn job here 'cause we're short on minutes.
I'm sorry, mister.
How long have you been with him?
We are not together.
He's my husband.
Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?
I feel so bad for you.
[ Chuckles ] Bad for me?
I'm not the patsy being stole from.
If you had half a brain you'd have called the feds the minute you saw me.
Oh, I did.
Emergency signal.
For kidnappings and the like.
I love you, Yolanda.
But I couldn't think for a second...
that you actually came here for me.
[ Sirens Wailing ] [ Ships Flying By ] That would be them now.
Men.
Durran, peaches.
Just call them off.
Tell them it was a mistake.
You need help, Yolanda.
I'll do anything you want me to.
You know how I can make you feel.
Hmm.
Please.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I'm embarrassing?
Who's the dupe on the floor?
I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.
This is police responding to an emergency code call.
Request entry all points.
[ Alarm Blaring ] [ Chinese ] What are you doing?
Good security.
[ Man ] Show some identification.
Move.
[ Gun Fires ] Nope.
Let's go.
[ Beeping ] That had to be tough.
Yeah, have yourself a great guffaw.
No, I mean it.
Six years...
knowing he was holding such treasures, and you didn't move on him.
I gotta figure that's a job you told yourself you'd never take.
Till times got hard enough, and the one line you hadn't crossed-- My name's not Yolanda.
Never entered my mind it was.
I tried.
I actually tried.
I thought this is a decent man.
The genuine article.
A working man.
Struggling to get by with the barest necessities on his private floatin' island.
Yeah, he had money.
I thought it would help.
I thought if I had everything, then I wouldn't want-- Heinrich the security programmer.
You know, I'd forgotten his name.
Addressing the itch of curiousness...
you marry him too?
No.
I didn't kill him either.
No.
Don't reckon there's many you killed.
Just put 'em in a position to die easy.
I should have killed Durran.
Right.
The one guy who don't have it comin'.
The man who knows you, still loves you, treachery and all.
No, can't have him walkin' about.
You must be loving this.
A little bit.
I seen you without your clothes on before.
Never thought I'd see you naked.
Can people ever change?
Depends on the person.
I'm guessin'...
the pain of this fades away, you'll just go back to being what you are.
What is that?
A brilliant...
beautiful, evil double-crossing snake.
Cheer up, weepy.
You made yourself a boatload of hard cash today.
You can question the meaning of life on a floaty island of your own for a while.
You won't tell anyone about me breaking down.
I won't.
Then I won't tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your holster.
I'll take that as a kindness.
You just may be the most gullible fool I ever marked.
And that makes you special.
Well, you can riddle me with holes, Yolanda...
but that won't make what I just saw anything but truth.
I played you from minute one.
You got me at barrel's end.
Who am I to argue?
What's your move?
We'll be setting down in the desert...
leave you to set a spell.
Oh, and speaking of naked.
No, now that's just low.
Kind of evens things out though, don't you think?
Pants.
I really don't see the benefit to this.
I mean, however I may slip...
you're not gonna catch my crew with their trousers down.
you're not gonna catch my crew with their trousers down.
Can't turn.
What?
Can't turn.
Not getting any tug from the aft alternator.
That don't make no sense.
Unless-- Yep.
[ Chinese ] The filament on the grav-dampener's stripped.
Who could have done that?
I can fix it, but she must have put a timer on the motivator and wet-wired the-- What does it mean, Kaylee?
We ain't gonna make the rendezvous.
We have to land-- Now.
No!
No!
You dirty, dirty whore!
Yeah, you better run!
God!
Oh!
Where is it?
Oh, it's not here!
Looking for this?
I wonder if it works.
[ Powers Up ] [ Shutting Down ] Oh, well, it's still worth a fortune.
Anyway, this works fine.
Honey, you look horrific.
What are you doing here?
Oh,just my part of the job.
What part of the job?
You know, I put on the big act, storm away in a huff.
Then I fly off, wait for you to double-cross Mal, beat you to the rendezvous spot...
and grab the loot before you can get to it.
What?
You didn't see it coming?
Uh-uh.
You know, I'm a little disappointed.
Some of the crew's performances weren't quite as nuanced as they could have been.
I thought they tipped the fact we were playing you...
from the second Mal took you out of that crate.
Oh, well.
Guess not.
No, you can't do this!
You're not gonna die, you big baby.
The authorities will be here in a few hours to dig you out.
You can't do this.
I have a condition.
[Jayne ] Whoa.
What goin' on?
You got knocked out.
Huh?
Did we get a payoff?
Did we get the money?
Can you move your arms and legs?
Huh?
They're not movin'.
Do you wanna know why?
Your spine.
You hit it pretty hard when you fell.
Oh.
'Pine?
Yes.
So I gave you something to knock out your motor functions...
so you wouldn't wrench it when you came to.
Should wear off in a half an hour.
You'll just be bruised.
Is 'pine okay?
How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?
That's crazy talk.
Then let's talk crazy.
[ Gulps ] How much?
Anybody there?
Anybody else?
You're in a dangerous line of work,Jayne.
Odds are you'll be under my knife again-- often.
[ Grunts ] So I want you to understand one thing very clearly.
No matter what you do or say or plot...
no matter how you come down on us...
I will never ever harm you.
You're on this table, you're safe.
'Cause I'm your medic...
and however little we may like or trust each other...
we're on the same crew.
Got the same troubles, same enemies and more than enough of both.
Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open...
but that thought wearies me.
I don't care what you've done.
I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you.
I think you should do the same.
'Cause I don't see this working any other way.
Also...
I can kill you with my brain.
[ Grunts ] Yeah.
That went well.
You call this going well?
We got the loot, didn't we?
Yes, but-- Then I call it a win.
What's the problem?
Should I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere...
or the part where you have no clothes?
All according to plan.
Really?
I thought the plan was for me to act as a fail-safe in case everything else went wrong.
Like if Saffron disabled Serenity and left you for dead.
Nonsense.
You had a key role to play in this.
How sad would you have been if you hadn't gotten to play it?
Heartbroken.
See?
All according to plan.
Wash, take us out of the world.
Zoe, contact Brennert and Ellison.
See if they'd be interested in fencing a priceless artifact for us.
What?
[ Stammering ] Okay.
Good work, Cap'n.
Thank you, Kaylee.
[ Sighs ] [ Door Shutting ] Good day.
Grr!
Arrgh!