Programma Televisivo: Pepper Dennis - 1x4
Workers in the meatpacking district call the late shift the graveyard, a name that proved apt indeed when on Monday, a man's lifeless body was discovered hanging from one of these hooks.
He was 60-year-old Kevin Ross, the latest victim of Marie Ambersino, otherwise known as the black widow of Kankakee.
Tonight, the black widow remains at large, free to strike again.
Cut.
How was that?
It was fine.
Can we go?
This place is giving me the creeps.
Fine is never acceptable, Chick.
All right, "The black widow's killing spree will continue..."
It's not really a spree, per se.
Pepper, come on. "
The widow will remain at large, free to spin her web of terror."
Ooh, that's good.
Okay, I'm ready, Chick.
Chick?
We don't have time for this.
This isn't funny.
Chick, you're not going to scare me.
So you might as well just come out.
Mom!
What are you doing here?
And hello to you, too, dear.
We were just picking up your sister's dress for the Merrill-Blanchard wedding.
While we were there, we found the perfect ensemble for you.
Mom wanted you to see it right away, so I called the assignment desk.
Sorry.
Ann Coulter wore one just like this at the Inaugural Ball.
Why would I want to wear Ann Coulter's dress?
Darling, why would you not?
Now, I want us all to make a good showing.
The Merrills are our oldest friends.
You mean wealthiest friends.
Why, you and Callie couldn't be closer.
Not since high school.
Kathy's the bridesmaid.
Because your sister knows how to nurture relationships.
All it takes is an annual Christmas letter.
Oh, I just love weddings.
Now, who are you bringing?
And don't say Kimmy.
Last time, it took months to assure everyone at the club that you were not a lesbian.
So that's where that rumor came from.
Now, I only bring it up because your father has been playing golf with some young Rotarians.
Stop right there.
I think I'll ask him to find you...
Mom, don't do anything.
...a few eligible suitors.
Maybe a nice lawyer.
Just tell Dad to stand down, Mom, please.
I think one of them is a dermatologist.
Don't do it, Mom.
Think about it-- free peels.
I already have a date.
Who?
Don't you think this is a better conversation for mom time?
You know, you and me, curled upon a couch, laughing, talking...
We don't do that.
Well, we should start.
But right now I'm on deadline.
Oh, um, look at the time.
Mom, we don't want to miss 7th Heaven.
The best show on television.
Why couldn't you be on that program, Patricia?
Hey.
There was a hot dog truck.
Got you a foot long.
Chick, a gruesome murder happened out there.
My safety is of...
I saw your mom.
You mean the assassin of self-worth and Talbot's petites?
I can't believe she came all the way down here to grill me about who I'm taking to this stupid wedding!
You need a date for a wedding?
Why can't I just be Pepper Dennis, successful reporter, party of one?
Because to my mother and her friends, I'm a cautionary tale.
I'm what happens when you do the unthinkable and put your career first.
Guess what?
This time, I am not scrounging around in my address book for an escort.
I'm unattached, I'm proud, and I'm fine!
An air bag deployed in your face?
Good job.
Ooh, okay, genius idea.
You should take my friend Tyler with you to the wedding.
The gay underwear model?
Who did a Brooks Brothers catalog.
Put him in a monkey suit, he could totally pass.
I already told you, I'm going by myself.
See, this is what I call a regrettable notion.
It seems fine now, but on the day when your mother has you cornered and crying, you're going to hate yourself for not sucking up your pride, ripping out your backbone and phoning up a perfectly good beard when you had the chance.
Kimmy, I'm staying strong on this.
It's about time us single gals had our day in the sun.
We're not lepers, you know.
Well, if it's any consolation, this wedding isn't gonna be easy for me either.
How'd you know what we were talking about?
That single-by-choice leper speech was your maid of honor's toast at my wedding.
If you think showing up without a date is a problem, try showing up without a husband.
I'm going to have to recap the excruciating details of my divorce with half of Lake Forest.
She wins.
Oh, Kathy, I'm so sorry.
I didn't even think about that.
I'm trying to focus on other disasters.
Kimmy, the bridesmaids are in crisis.
Our makeup artist just canceled.
I don't do weddings.
Please.
Sorry, just too much drama.
It's my line in the sand.
Well, it's a shame that some silly little line is going to keep you away from the passed hors d'oeuvres and the carving stations.
Carving...
stations?
How many?
Six, well, no, five.
Technically, a seafood buffet is shucked.
I'm in.
Yes.
Hi, I'm poor.
Five-star gourmet, bite-size portions, easy to freeze.
If I play my cards right, I could be feasting for months.
Good morning, ladies.
Yikes, Dennis, what happened to your face?
Air bag.
Why don't you ask Charlie?
Kathy.
Ask me what?
To be Pepper's date to the Merrill-Blanchard wedding.
Again-- Kathy!
I'd love to be your knight in shining armor, Dennis.
That would be lovely if I were a maid in distress.
Come on.
Scorching hot couple like us?
We'll set that wedding on fire.
May I remind you that our boss has ordered us not to scorch, burn or smolder.
Bummer, huh?
Then we'll go as friends.
In a way, you'd be doing me a favor.
This evening anchor slot is killing my social life.
And that reception is a perfect place for me to meet a nice bridesmaid or three.
Actually, Babcock, I've decided to fly in the face of convention and go stag.
Boring!
So you say.
A date would just tie me down.
I'm going to sip champagne cocktails, dance, flirt, maybe even meet someone new.
Dennis?
Air bag.
You and Dirka are covering the Merrill-Blanchard wedding.
Awesome!
What?
Jack, that wedding isn't news.
Well, not to you, me, or anyone who can spell CNN, but the viewers love it when rich people marry each other.
They don't get any richer than Callie Merrill and Connor Blanchard.
I mean, hell, even this guy's name sounds like a brokerage firm.
Why me?
You're on the guest list; makes it an exclusive.
Plus, the soon-to-be Mr.
and Mrs.
have already agreed to a pretaped interview.
Jack, the Merrill-Blanchard wedding has caused enough devastation in my life.
She can't get a date.
Now, she doesn't need one.
Good point.
No, the point is I refuse to allow it to taint my career as well.
I'm a serious journalist.
This is a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous puff piece.
I'm not doing it.
Chicago is buzzing about the wedding of the year between society activist Callie Merrill and dashing banking tycoon Connor Blanchard.
Despite coming from two of Chicago's oldest and richest families, Callie and Connor took very separate paths.
She spearheaded several left-wing protest groups and butted heads with the police before shocking Chicago society by dropping out of Yale for the peace corps.
She's shocking us again as she headlines what is sure to be the wedding of the season.
That's Callie Merrill, Chicago's outspoken and unpredictable heiress.
Where did youget that?
Don't you remember?
The anti-fur rally in New York the week before we left for college?
We hocked your mom's tea service for bus fare.
I thought you'd love it.
It was such along time ago.
I think we can do without that picture or the ones of her in the peace corps.
Actually, it helps round out...
Our families have been in the public eye since this city was founded.
Why?
Because we represent the life others dream about-- wealth, glamour.
Let's give them the fairy tale.
I mean, no one wants to see the third world.
Everything's covered in dirt.
Did you get any footage of this?
Eight carats of flawless perfection.
When my grandparents were engaged, the Tribune ran a picture right on the front page.
We've got plenty.
Fantastic.
Under it, lay some really great music, like, uh, Michael Buble.
We're huge fans.
Yeah.
Take my advice, and you'll have a hell of a segment.
Come on, angel, it's time for the rehearsal dinner.
Well, this was fun.
I just wish we had more time to get caught up.
Well, maybe after the honeymoon, we can hit up some bars on Rush Street, get crazy like the good old days.
Better.
We'll have you to the house.
It's a date.
Bye.
Can you believe that?
What?
Her!
Him!
They're like pod people.
In a Burberry pod.
Seemed like a perfectly normal couple to me.
Chick, you don't understand.
Callie Merrill was never normal.
She was cool and independent and outspoken.
You know, this is exactly why I need to show up at that wedding by myself.
To set an example for all the little flower girls out there that no matter how much pressure society puts on them to pair up and suffer a lobotomy of the soul, they have other options.
I mean, how did Callie miss that?
What happened to her?!
I grew up.
Connor thought you might want to borrow this.
Callie, I'm so sorry.
You know, I didn't graduate college or have a great career.
But getting engaged to Connor was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I'm happy.
My parents are happy.
Can you say the same thing?
It's a perfect day for wedding bells here at Morningwood, the Merrill family estate, where hundreds of well-heeled guests have turned up for the celebration.
Cut.
Mom!
When you stand next to the lens like that, it's a little distracting.
Oh, darling, your dress looks wonderful.
Finally, finally, you're showcasing your assets.
She has her Grandma Rafferty's breasts.
Aren't they exquisite?
But I think your makeup is just a wee bit thick.
I'm on camera; it's how I'm supposed to wear it.
All cakey like that?
Are you sure?
Dick, talk to her.
It's too much.
What are you talking about?
She looks like a million bucks.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, as long as your date understands.
Where is he, by the way?
He couldn't make it.
He got called in at the office.
A date who cancels at the last minute because of work?
What kind of man is that?
Oh, honey, you must feel awful.
No, I don't feel awful!
I'm perfectly fine being here on my own.
Oh, look, there's Jane's daughter, Phyllis.
Her husband's a congressman.
She just gave birth to her second child, lost all the weight by doing Bikram yoga.
Well, bully for Phyllis.
Some of us don't have time to pump out babies and do yoga.
Some of us have careers.
She's the head of pediatrics at Mount Sinai.
I have to go.
It should give you hope.
A woman who truly has it all.
Talk to her.
Find out how she does it.
Oh, look, there's Enid Warwick.
Oh, she's enormous.
Poor thing.
Enid.
Ah, buck up, kiddo.
It's only one day.
Enid!
All right.
No food...
no drink, no making out with the groomsmen until after the ceremony.
Are we clear?
Mitzi, I'm talking to you.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Now, what did I just say?
Come on, everyone out!
Let's go.
Move it.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Ooh, look who's having fun.
I am!
There hasn't been a single "So sorry about Bryce" comment, no questions about the affair, or who got the frequent flier miles.
It's like the divorce never happened.
That is so great.
Can I put this in your bag?
Mine's full.
Ooh.
I just passed by the kitchen on my way up here.
They were just pulling out some pesto cheese puffs.
Do you want to investigate?
You know it.
For most brides, a silk gown with a 30-foot train, made of imported Belgian peau de soie is an unimaginable luxury.
But for Callie Merrill, no price is too high for elegance.
Sure is pretty-- pretty long, that is.
Cut.
Callie, is everything okay?
What do you care?
This is just a colostomy of the soul as far, as you're concerned, right?
Well, I said lobotomy, but yours works, too.
Whatever.
Chick, will you excuse us for a second?
Callie, I think I owe you an apology.
I have something to say to you, Pepper Dennis.
Okay.
I just want to say...
I have always admired you.
Ever since we were kids, you knew what you wanted, and you went for it.
You were completely unafraid of how other people would react.
So were you.
Hah!
Tell me what you think of Connor.
Are you kidding?
The guy's great, I love him!
You are a terrible liar.
Look me in the eye and tell me what you think of my husband-to-be.
I can't really answer that.
I don't know him.
Besides, you've been drinking.
Tell me.
I think Connor...
has great hair.
You hate him.
I knew it.
I don't!
It's just, Connor's not exactly the guy I thought you'd end up with, that's all.
Well, he loves me.
And that must feel great.
Lord knows there are days I'd trade it all in for some dependable, run-of-the-mill guy who just makes me happy.
Not that Connor is run-of-the-mill.
But he is.
Who's to say that's bad?
Mills are wonderful things.
They give us flour and paper.
They destroy the earth.
Callie.
What you overheard back at the station, was the ranting of a cynical, overworked, single woman who knows nothing about the concept of marriage.
But that doesn't mean it's not right for you.
Don't listen to me.
Listen to your heart.
When he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart.
There's nothing else you can do.
# I don't know where you're going # # And I don't know why # # But listen to your heart # # Before you tell him good-bye # # Sometimes you wonder if the fight is worthwhile...
# You know what, I got it.
And you're right.
Now, if you will excuse me, I would like to look perfect, before I see the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
She's ready to go, Padre.
We got some good stuff.
We got the guests arriving, bridesmaids prepping, Callie's giant dress.
Right, so all we have left is the ceremony, then toast, dinner, cake cutting, bouquet toss, garter toss, first dance, chicken dance, then Donna Summers' "Last Dance."
My God, we're going to die here.
May I borrow you for a moment?
Sweetie, this is Russ Hogan.
Russ, this is the very-available daughter I was telling you about.
Mom!
Russ owns a Hummer dealership.
Hogan Hummers, biggest inventory in the state.
That is quite an accomplishment.
They practically sell themselves, Lynne.
Every man loves a Hummer.
I know.
Dick's been begging for one for years.
Maybe for our anniversary.
Russ, could you give us a sec?
Sweetie, give me your seating card.
I'm going to switch it, so you two can be together.
Mom, please, do you know how bad it looks when my own mother is this eager to pimp me out?!
Don't pretend you care about public opinion.
You don't even wear pantyhose.
Let's face it.
Your situation has reached a crisis level.
Everyone's asking me why you're wandering 'round here alone.
And I don't have a good answer.
Well, where are they?
I'll talk to them.
Fine.
What are you going to say?
Darling, there are tons of eligible men here, and I'm going to find you one.
You may hate me for it now, but you'll thank me later.
It's Babcock, leave me a message, and I'll call you back as soon as humanly possible from anywhere in the world.
Fine, come to the wedding.
Flirt with bridesmaids, take a carload of them home with you if you want.
There's just one condition.
You have to pretend to be my date...
my date-date.
Just long enough to get my mother off my back.
That's the offer on the table.
To hear this message, press three.
What am I doing?
Pepper.
Hold on a sec.
Pepper.
To delete this message, press seven.
Callie didn't show up for the bridal party photos.
Did she say "seven"?
Message is marked urgent.
No, no, not urgent!
Delete.
Erase.
Pepper!
What do you want, Kathy?
Callie's missing.
Girls, girls, calm down.
Our little girl has a habit of disappearing in times of stress.
We were almost expecting this.
Tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I don't know what you're talking about, but there is an entire bag of spinach wedged in between your front teeth, so why don't you find some floss and leave me alone.
Should someone tell Connor?
No, there's plenty of time before the ceremony starts.
I'll just extend the cocktail hour and have security check all of her old hiding places.
So you're not worried, then?
Not at all.
She'll come out when she's good and ready.
In the meantime, I'm treating myself to a little happy pill.
Pepperoni.
Hi, again.
Where you been?
Listen, I know you're the journalist, but, uh, can I shoot you a question?
Sure.
Did it hurt?
What?
When you fell from heaven.
Hey, Pepper, don't we have to go tape a segment on the thing...
Hey, buddy, can I get a refill?
Russ, that was a charming question, and one I can't answer.
I, like this function, am from hell.
You're funny.
What do you weight, about 110, 120?
I could bench that easily.
Sorry to keep you waiting, gorgeous.
Hey, uh, Russ Hogan, Hogan Hummers.
Mm, drive a hybrid, but thanks for taking care of her for me, big guy.
You're a champ.
Wow.
Hey, Babcock, your timing is impeccable.
Why thank you, Dennis.
It was my pleasure.
Yoo-hoo!
Sweetheart!
Damn, I didn't think they'd be on to us so fast.
There's no time for background, I...
Mr.
and Mrs.
Dinkle.
Charlie Babcock.
I have heard so much about you.
Well, what a surprise.
I thought you had to work.
A date who cancels at the last minute because he has to work?
Please, what kind of man is that?
Oh, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to hear that, Mr.
Babcock.
Please, it's Charlie.
Mr.
Dinkle, did Pepper mention I had my condo fitted with your products.
Which ones?
Dinkle Dimmers.
Glide Slide to all 400s.
I'm the envy of the homeowner's association.
Well, now.
I was hoping to meet someone who's used our new line.
So how long have you two been an item?
Mom, there'll be plenty of time to talk at the reception.
Right now, we should go say hi to everyone, you know, as a couple.
Of course.
You didn't mention that you were seeing the anchor.
I can't wait to talk to Abby.
Her daughter is dating someone at channel eight, but he's just a movie reviewer.
Got to go.
Bye-bye.
How do you know so much about my parents?
What kind of newsman do you take me for, Dennis?
Do you think they bought it?
Babcock, they paid with cash, strapped it to the top of their car, and are racing home.
Thanks.
Well, I have another report to file, so, um, you're here by released from duty.
Go snag yourself a nice bridesmaid.
Fantastic.
Hey, how long till the actual ceremony starts?
I like to know my time constraints, if any.
Currently we have a jittery bride who has us all in a holding pattern.
I should probably call Jack and let him know.
Sweet.
I'll be at the bar.
Hey, Dennis?
You look nice.
Hello, Mrs.
Cooper.
Would you like some Jordan almonds?
They're for later, but I won't tell.
Kathy, they're adorable.
You always do such a lovely job.
I try.
It is best to stay busy.
Probably keeps your mind off Bryce.
Such a shame.
Poor thing all alone.
Thank you.
I'm holding up.
When is Bryce returning from Kuala Lumpur?
Kuala Lumpur?
Isn't that where his conference is?
Your mother said that's why he couldn't be here today.
The bejeweled egg adorning this triple chocolate aquaz was once given by Czar Nicholas II to his bride.
They celebrated their wedding in lavish opulence while most of Russia starved.
Join us later when the newly weds cut into this priceless confection.
Cut!
Chick, I need to walk this off one off.
Psst!
Pepper, down here.
No one is commenting on the divorce because no one knows about it.
Mom told everyone that Bryce is on a business trip.
I'm living a lie, and it's not even mine!
I have to get out of here.
You're a bridesmaid.
Trade dresses with me.
Kathy, don't let her do this.
You've got to stand up for yourself.
And how would I do that?
Confront her, tell her how you feel.
That her behavior is inappropriate, unjustifiable, and is making you crazy.
That's what I'd do.
Oh, confront Mom, huh?
And when did this wisdom come to you, before or after you asked Charlie to be your fake date?
You're right.
We're adults with our own lives.
We can't be afraid of how Mom reacts to our decisions any longer.
Now I want you to dry those tears, fluff up that bouffant, and summon up a smile.
We're the Dinkle girls, damn it.
Let's crawl out of here with our heads held high.
Found it!
Whoo, these puppies can roll.
After searching all the usual places, there is no sign of Callie.
Oh, Barbara, we just heard.
Is it true?
Yes, our daughter is a runaway bride.
The anxiety!
It's more than my angina-ridden heart can handle.
Oh, no.
Seriously, what did you do?
Nothing.
Really?
Because you've been acting squirrelly since she disappeared.
Fine.
When I talked to Callie before, she asked me what I thought of Connor, so I told her the truth.
What is wrong with you, woman?
She asked me to.
The way somebody asks if their baby is cute or their butt looks fat.
Well, I was thrown.
She seemed fine.
She said she was gonna marry the guy.
She was going to listen to her heart.
She wanted you out of the room so she could chop off her hair and buy a bus ticket to Albuquerque.
I have to come clean.
No, you do not tell a crowd of white people that you've spoiled their wedding when there is lobster thermidor on the menu.
They will riot.
Who saw her last?
An excellent question.
Just keep moving, nice and slow.
Pepper!
It was you, wasn't it?
Really?
I think.
You went to go and do that segment on her dress.
No.
Why would I do that?
Okay, fine, it was me.
I was the last person to talk to Callie.
The last voice she heard before she jumped the wall.
W-was she upset?
Did she talk about calling it off?
What did you say?
Um, well, first, I think I apologized for saying that the institution of marriage turns independent interesting women into Wedgewood-owning Stepford wives.
Then I think I called Connor a run-of-the-mill guy with a great head of hair.
On behalf of my daughter, I apologize.
Is this because we left you at the lake that summer?
Who is that?
Father Dooley.
This is a wedding.
Or at least it was until you screwed it up.
I was not the last person to talk to Callie.
The last person to talk to Callie was a priest, but not that priest, a much younger priest, and hot!
A hot priest.
Not that you're not hot, Father.
We should call the police.
The staff spotted the alleged hot priest enter through the kitchen approximately 15 minutes before Callie was last seen.
House security cameras didn't catch anyone exiting the room, so they probably went out the window.
My daughter would never run away with a priest.
She's agnostic.
She didn't go willingly, Mrs.
Merrill.
It looks like there was a fallor a struggle.
The trellis is broken.
There is one set of footprints leading away from the scene.
A man's prints.
Now judging by their depth, he's either 300 pounds...
Or he was carrying someone.
What are you saying?
Callie was abducted.
Callie is a loving, caring person.
Please, let her come home.
That was Connor Blanchard making a heartfelt plea for the return of his fianc�e, Callie Merrill, who is believed to have been abducted four hours ago.
So, no ransom demand?
The police are expecting one at any time.
You got a theory on suspects?
We looking at everyone close to Callie, we ran background checks on the staff.
Started digging into the wedding guests, too.
Tough thing about the news.
You know, any puff piece can become an obit.
Well, I'll be damned.
I know Babcock was looking to hook up at this wingding, but I never would have pegged that one as his type.
And don't ask me why, but she refused to wear pants until she was three years old.
Pantsless Patty, that's what we called her.
Mother, this is a studio for live broadcast.
How did you get in here?
Through the door marked broadcast studio.
Well, you can't bother him while he's working.
Oh, it's no bother.
He's just being polite.
Now let him prep for his next broadcast.
Very well, darling.
I will leave you alone with your very charming Mr.
Babcock.
She really wasn't bothering me.
You've got to be kidding me.
Okay, I'll admit the num-num story got a little precious.
Sparky, the video on Monitor B-- could you roll that back ten seconds for me, please?
Stop!
That's him, our mystery priest.
Rick Harper.
That's Rick Harper.
Who is he?
Well, when Callie came home from the peace corps, she brought her new friends with her.
Unemployed layabouts with radical ideas.
We managed to talk some sense into Callie.
Made her see the obvious.
That these derelicts and what they stood for were a dead end.
Rick kept showing up.
But we told Callie to ignore him.
Eventually, he lost interest.
Well, this all happened many years ago, so we didn't think to mention it to the police.
He's seen the way we live.
He knows how much money we have.
That's the reason he's doing this.
He wants a ransom.
Unless...
You don't think he wants to hurt her?
Oh, no, no, no, my pet.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Dear God, oh, no.
She's protected, darling.
Don't worry, we'll put his picture on the air.
Somebody is sure to spot him.
Oh, sure.
Oh, no!
That's okay.
Do you know where the nondairy creamer is, dear?
In the break room.
Oh, all your coworkers are in there.
I wouldn't want to barge into other people's business.
Of course you wouldn't, Mother, unless it was mine.
Katherine Leigh, what are you talking about?
Mrs.
Cooper told me what you said about Bryce.
Really, Mother.
On a business trip?
It was an accident.
I just said that Bryce couldn't attend the wedding, and she assumed it was business.
I may have failed to correct her.
You told her he was in Kuala Lumpur!
So I embellished a little.
I'm just trying to spare you the awkwardness.
You know how those women gossip.
Mother, I don't think you're trying to protect me.
I think you lied because you're ashamed.
Well, a divorce isn't exactly something to be proud of, is it?
You took a vow.
You can't just quitbe cause it gets hard.
No, I'm sorry, darling, but until it's final, I'm not giving up.
Now Father Dooley needs more coffee.
Send the guests home.
Now, I want the catering tent down by the end of the day.
Do you hear me?
End of the day.
Hang on.
Yeah?
No.
Cancel the plane tickets, the villa in Tuscany, all of it.
And I don't want to hear the word nonrefundable.
The amount of business my family gives you, you should have paid for this trip in the first place.
What do you want?
Did you just cancel your honeymoon?
I'm a Blanchard.
When disaster strikes, we don't sit around and cry.
We're men of action.
Then why don't you have every private investigator on your company payroll and the police commissioner himself looking for her?
You act like she's not coming back, Connor.
Why?
What, do you think I had something to do with this?
No, I just want to help.
I think you've done enough.
There's something you're not telling us.
The smallest detail could help bring Callie back.
Yeah?
What if she doesn't want to come back?
Talk to me.
I could feel her distancing herself as the wedding got closer.
Just little things, but I noticed.
I may be just a run-of-the-mill guy with a great head of hair, but I know when the woman I love isn't in love with me.
You don't think she was abducted, do you?
That's a tough question for me to answer.
But either way, I've lost her.
Jack?
We're back to "Runaway Bride."
Rick isn't the kidnapper, he's the boyfriend.
Yeah?
How do you figure that?
Connor said Callie had been pulling away, and just before she disappeared, she said she was about to see the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.
She didn't mean Connor.
She meant Rick.
Well, I love your theory, Dennis, but the only people who can confirm it are doing a bang-up job of staying hidden.
The cops have staked out every airport and bus station.
And there hasn't been any credit card or bank activity...
They're smart.
If they want to stay off the grid, they won't use so much as a gas card.
But they need money.
Eight carats off lawless perfection.
If you're willing to pawn it, you could get a nice stack of green.
And I know just where Callie Merrill likes to hock things.
Jack, the story is ours.
Love that gal.
Yeah.
Oh, sweetheart!
We were just telling Charlie that you must bring him up to the country house some weekend.
I'm warning you, Dick, you won't be able to get me off the lake.
Patty, you didn't tell me your friend was a fishing nut.
I like this fella.
We get our flies tied by the same guy.
No wonder you spend so many hours here.
You have our permission to marry.
Babcock?!
Charlie Babcock, I hate to break up the party, but we have a late-breaking development.
I had to get you out of there.
Could you please, just not...
Not what?
I don't know.
Encourage them.
Encourage her.
But I thought the plan was...
I know, and I appreciate what you've done.
I do.
But it's got to stop.
The more you build us up now, the more wrecked she's going to be later.
When she learns there is no us.
Yeah, and my mother has a massive capacity for disappointment.
No worries.
I'll set them straight.
Good, I like that.
I mean, you are the man in this bogus relationship.
You should do the heavy lifting.
Drop the bomb, wipe up the tears, send her off.
I think she likes you better than me, anyway.
Crap.
Never mind, she's my mother.
It's my job to break her heart.
Well, you are a heartbreaker, Pantsless.
Did you get it?
Let's go!
Run!
Geez!
Callie!
Callie!
Callie, we need to talk!
Talk to this!
Callie!
Callie!
Let go!
Callie!
Rick!
Help me out here!
Rick, let go!
Don't you yell at him!
This man is an angel!
He wanted to do this the right way and tell my parents the whole story, but I said no.
I knew they'd never accept him.
Why can't everyone just leave us alone?
Because everyone thinks she's been kidnapped!
I never wanted to marry Connor.
But he proposed in front of my parents, and when I saw that look on their faces...
I'd never seen them look at me like that before.
Hey!
You're not the only one who didn't want to disappoint her parents at your non-wedding!
It was torture for me, too.
But you've got to tell them the truth about who you are and what you want!
Otherwise, you'll always be running.
I would also like to apologize to the Chicago police.
I made a bad decision today, and my actions caused a lot of anxiety, and for that I am deeply sorry.
There is one thing, however, that I don't regret.
And that's taking the advice of an old friend.
She considers herself a cynic, but really she's the most romantic person I have ever met.
She told me I should listen to my heart, and for that I will always be grateful.
Mother, try not to get too sentimental, they're billionaires.
I'm just so happy, for them, for you and Charlie.
It's obvious he adores you.
Mom?
Hmm?
Charlie and I aren't together, romantically or otherwise.
In fact, most of the time, he vexes the hell out of me.
I don't understand.
I lied.
Why in the world would you do that?
I didn't want to disappoint you.
Sweetheart, you didn't have to lie.
Mom, you act like it's a national tragedy if I show up somewhere unaccompanied.
And I try not to let it get to me, but you know what?
It does.
It makes me feel like a failure.
A failure?
Don't be ridiculous.
You're brilliant and successful.
And you have a condo off the Magnificent Mile.
And you're beautiful.
The women in my bridge club constantly ask me who does your hair?
They do?
I'm not disappointed in you, Patricia.
And I know that you're fine on your own.
If I push, it's just because, well, I want you to have what I have.
Your father makes me so happy.
Dad is pretty good.
I can't imagine my life without him.
And I do want what you and Dad have, more than anything.
But honestly, Mom?
I don't think I've even been close.
I've spent so much time focusing on all this.
What if I never find someone?
Oh, I'm not worried.
If there's one thing I know about my Pattycake, she always gets what she wants.
Always.
Oh!
Well.
Knowing I have this kind of impact on you is both shocking and life affirming.
There's someone else who cares what you think.
Everybody?
I'm thrilled to announce that Rick and I are getting married.
And with our blessing.
Congratulations!
When?
Right here, right now.
Dennis, your priest is passed out in stall number two.
Oh, no.
Who are we going to get this late at night?
And do you, Callie Rose Merrill take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
Now by the power vested in me by www.legalmarriagesonline.com, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Kiss the bride.
Hey, you're Pepper's friend, aren't you?
How much do you weigh, about 110, 120?
Get lost.
Ooh, spunky, too, I like that.
Kind of like the new H2 sport utility truck.
Awesome.
Sorry to keep you waiting, gorgeous.
Hey, thanks for keeping an eye on her for me, big guy.
You're a champ.
Turning into a pumpkin, Babcock?
My work here is done, my child.
Not squiring any bridesmaids back to your cyber-rectory?
Nah, no one here was really playing on my level.
Hey, thanks for spending the whole day with Lynne and Dick Dinkle.
They're...
a lot.
I owe you big.
You know, this may come as a shock to you, Dennis, but I like them, Lynne and Dick.
Oh, come on.
He was 60-year-old Kevin Ross, the latest victim of Marie Ambersino, otherwise known as the black widow of Kankakee.
Tonight, the black widow remains at large, free to strike again.
Cut.
How was that?
It was fine.
Can we go?
This place is giving me the creeps.
Fine is never acceptable, Chick.
All right, "The black widow's killing spree will continue..."
It's not really a spree, per se.
Pepper, come on. "
The widow will remain at large, free to spin her web of terror."
Ooh, that's good.
Okay, I'm ready, Chick.
Chick?
We don't have time for this.
This isn't funny.
Chick, you're not going to scare me.
So you might as well just come out.
Mom!
What are you doing here?
And hello to you, too, dear.
We were just picking up your sister's dress for the Merrill-Blanchard wedding.
While we were there, we found the perfect ensemble for you.
Mom wanted you to see it right away, so I called the assignment desk.
Sorry.
Ann Coulter wore one just like this at the Inaugural Ball.
Why would I want to wear Ann Coulter's dress?
Darling, why would you not?
Now, I want us all to make a good showing.
The Merrills are our oldest friends.
You mean wealthiest friends.
Why, you and Callie couldn't be closer.
Not since high school.
Kathy's the bridesmaid.
Because your sister knows how to nurture relationships.
All it takes is an annual Christmas letter.
Oh, I just love weddings.
Now, who are you bringing?
And don't say Kimmy.
Last time, it took months to assure everyone at the club that you were not a lesbian.
So that's where that rumor came from.
Now, I only bring it up because your father has been playing golf with some young Rotarians.
Stop right there.
I think I'll ask him to find you...
Mom, don't do anything.
...a few eligible suitors.
Maybe a nice lawyer.
Just tell Dad to stand down, Mom, please.
I think one of them is a dermatologist.
Don't do it, Mom.
Think about it-- free peels.
I already have a date.
Who?
Don't you think this is a better conversation for mom time?
You know, you and me, curled upon a couch, laughing, talking...
We don't do that.
Well, we should start.
But right now I'm on deadline.
Oh, um, look at the time.
Mom, we don't want to miss 7th Heaven.
The best show on television.
Why couldn't you be on that program, Patricia?
Hey.
There was a hot dog truck.
Got you a foot long.
Chick, a gruesome murder happened out there.
My safety is of...
I saw your mom.
You mean the assassin of self-worth and Talbot's petites?
I can't believe she came all the way down here to grill me about who I'm taking to this stupid wedding!
You need a date for a wedding?
Why can't I just be Pepper Dennis, successful reporter, party of one?
Because to my mother and her friends, I'm a cautionary tale.
I'm what happens when you do the unthinkable and put your career first.
Guess what?
This time, I am not scrounging around in my address book for an escort.
I'm unattached, I'm proud, and I'm fine!
An air bag deployed in your face?
Good job.
Ooh, okay, genius idea.
You should take my friend Tyler with you to the wedding.
The gay underwear model?
Who did a Brooks Brothers catalog.
Put him in a monkey suit, he could totally pass.
I already told you, I'm going by myself.
See, this is what I call a regrettable notion.
It seems fine now, but on the day when your mother has you cornered and crying, you're going to hate yourself for not sucking up your pride, ripping out your backbone and phoning up a perfectly good beard when you had the chance.
Kimmy, I'm staying strong on this.
It's about time us single gals had our day in the sun.
We're not lepers, you know.
Well, if it's any consolation, this wedding isn't gonna be easy for me either.
How'd you know what we were talking about?
That single-by-choice leper speech was your maid of honor's toast at my wedding.
If you think showing up without a date is a problem, try showing up without a husband.
I'm going to have to recap the excruciating details of my divorce with half of Lake Forest.
She wins.
Oh, Kathy, I'm so sorry.
I didn't even think about that.
I'm trying to focus on other disasters.
Kimmy, the bridesmaids are in crisis.
Our makeup artist just canceled.
I don't do weddings.
Please.
Sorry, just too much drama.
It's my line in the sand.
Well, it's a shame that some silly little line is going to keep you away from the passed hors d'oeuvres and the carving stations.
Carving...
stations?
How many?
Six, well, no, five.
Technically, a seafood buffet is shucked.
I'm in.
Yes.
Hi, I'm poor.
Five-star gourmet, bite-size portions, easy to freeze.
If I play my cards right, I could be feasting for months.
Good morning, ladies.
Yikes, Dennis, what happened to your face?
Air bag.
Why don't you ask Charlie?
Kathy.
Ask me what?
To be Pepper's date to the Merrill-Blanchard wedding.
Again-- Kathy!
I'd love to be your knight in shining armor, Dennis.
That would be lovely if I were a maid in distress.
Come on.
Scorching hot couple like us?
We'll set that wedding on fire.
May I remind you that our boss has ordered us not to scorch, burn or smolder.
Bummer, huh?
Then we'll go as friends.
In a way, you'd be doing me a favor.
This evening anchor slot is killing my social life.
And that reception is a perfect place for me to meet a nice bridesmaid or three.
Actually, Babcock, I've decided to fly in the face of convention and go stag.
Boring!
So you say.
A date would just tie me down.
I'm going to sip champagne cocktails, dance, flirt, maybe even meet someone new.
Dennis?
Air bag.
You and Dirka are covering the Merrill-Blanchard wedding.
Awesome!
What?
Jack, that wedding isn't news.
Well, not to you, me, or anyone who can spell CNN, but the viewers love it when rich people marry each other.
They don't get any richer than Callie Merrill and Connor Blanchard.
I mean, hell, even this guy's name sounds like a brokerage firm.
Why me?
You're on the guest list; makes it an exclusive.
Plus, the soon-to-be Mr.
and Mrs.
have already agreed to a pretaped interview.
Jack, the Merrill-Blanchard wedding has caused enough devastation in my life.
She can't get a date.
Now, she doesn't need one.
Good point.
No, the point is I refuse to allow it to taint my career as well.
I'm a serious journalist.
This is a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous puff piece.
I'm not doing it.
Chicago is buzzing about the wedding of the year between society activist Callie Merrill and dashing banking tycoon Connor Blanchard.
Despite coming from two of Chicago's oldest and richest families, Callie and Connor took very separate paths.
She spearheaded several left-wing protest groups and butted heads with the police before shocking Chicago society by dropping out of Yale for the peace corps.
She's shocking us again as she headlines what is sure to be the wedding of the season.
That's Callie Merrill, Chicago's outspoken and unpredictable heiress.
Where did youget that?
Don't you remember?
The anti-fur rally in New York the week before we left for college?
We hocked your mom's tea service for bus fare.
I thought you'd love it.
It was such along time ago.
I think we can do without that picture or the ones of her in the peace corps.
Actually, it helps round out...
Our families have been in the public eye since this city was founded.
Why?
Because we represent the life others dream about-- wealth, glamour.
Let's give them the fairy tale.
I mean, no one wants to see the third world.
Everything's covered in dirt.
Did you get any footage of this?
Eight carats of flawless perfection.
When my grandparents were engaged, the Tribune ran a picture right on the front page.
We've got plenty.
Fantastic.
Under it, lay some really great music, like, uh, Michael Buble.
We're huge fans.
Yeah.
Take my advice, and you'll have a hell of a segment.
Come on, angel, it's time for the rehearsal dinner.
Well, this was fun.
I just wish we had more time to get caught up.
Well, maybe after the honeymoon, we can hit up some bars on Rush Street, get crazy like the good old days.
Better.
We'll have you to the house.
It's a date.
Bye.
Can you believe that?
What?
Her!
Him!
They're like pod people.
In a Burberry pod.
Seemed like a perfectly normal couple to me.
Chick, you don't understand.
Callie Merrill was never normal.
She was cool and independent and outspoken.
You know, this is exactly why I need to show up at that wedding by myself.
To set an example for all the little flower girls out there that no matter how much pressure society puts on them to pair up and suffer a lobotomy of the soul, they have other options.
I mean, how did Callie miss that?
What happened to her?!
I grew up.
Connor thought you might want to borrow this.
Callie, I'm so sorry.
You know, I didn't graduate college or have a great career.
But getting engaged to Connor was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I'm happy.
My parents are happy.
Can you say the same thing?
It's a perfect day for wedding bells here at Morningwood, the Merrill family estate, where hundreds of well-heeled guests have turned up for the celebration.
Cut.
Mom!
When you stand next to the lens like that, it's a little distracting.
Oh, darling, your dress looks wonderful.
Finally, finally, you're showcasing your assets.
She has her Grandma Rafferty's breasts.
Aren't they exquisite?
But I think your makeup is just a wee bit thick.
I'm on camera; it's how I'm supposed to wear it.
All cakey like that?
Are you sure?
Dick, talk to her.
It's too much.
What are you talking about?
She looks like a million bucks.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, as long as your date understands.
Where is he, by the way?
He couldn't make it.
He got called in at the office.
A date who cancels at the last minute because of work?
What kind of man is that?
Oh, honey, you must feel awful.
No, I don't feel awful!
I'm perfectly fine being here on my own.
Oh, look, there's Jane's daughter, Phyllis.
Her husband's a congressman.
She just gave birth to her second child, lost all the weight by doing Bikram yoga.
Well, bully for Phyllis.
Some of us don't have time to pump out babies and do yoga.
Some of us have careers.
She's the head of pediatrics at Mount Sinai.
I have to go.
It should give you hope.
A woman who truly has it all.
Talk to her.
Find out how she does it.
Oh, look, there's Enid Warwick.
Oh, she's enormous.
Poor thing.
Enid.
Ah, buck up, kiddo.
It's only one day.
Enid!
All right.
No food...
no drink, no making out with the groomsmen until after the ceremony.
Are we clear?
Mitzi, I'm talking to you.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Now, what did I just say?
Come on, everyone out!
Let's go.
Move it.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Ooh, look who's having fun.
I am!
There hasn't been a single "So sorry about Bryce" comment, no questions about the affair, or who got the frequent flier miles.
It's like the divorce never happened.
That is so great.
Can I put this in your bag?
Mine's full.
Ooh.
I just passed by the kitchen on my way up here.
They were just pulling out some pesto cheese puffs.
Do you want to investigate?
You know it.
For most brides, a silk gown with a 30-foot train, made of imported Belgian peau de soie is an unimaginable luxury.
But for Callie Merrill, no price is too high for elegance.
Sure is pretty-- pretty long, that is.
Cut.
Callie, is everything okay?
What do you care?
This is just a colostomy of the soul as far, as you're concerned, right?
Well, I said lobotomy, but yours works, too.
Whatever.
Chick, will you excuse us for a second?
Callie, I think I owe you an apology.
I have something to say to you, Pepper Dennis.
Okay.
I just want to say...
I have always admired you.
Ever since we were kids, you knew what you wanted, and you went for it.
You were completely unafraid of how other people would react.
So were you.
Hah!
Tell me what you think of Connor.
Are you kidding?
The guy's great, I love him!
You are a terrible liar.
Look me in the eye and tell me what you think of my husband-to-be.
I can't really answer that.
I don't know him.
Besides, you've been drinking.
Tell me.
I think Connor...
has great hair.
You hate him.
I knew it.
I don't!
It's just, Connor's not exactly the guy I thought you'd end up with, that's all.
Well, he loves me.
And that must feel great.
Lord knows there are days I'd trade it all in for some dependable, run-of-the-mill guy who just makes me happy.
Not that Connor is run-of-the-mill.
But he is.
Who's to say that's bad?
Mills are wonderful things.
They give us flour and paper.
They destroy the earth.
Callie.
What you overheard back at the station, was the ranting of a cynical, overworked, single woman who knows nothing about the concept of marriage.
But that doesn't mean it's not right for you.
Don't listen to me.
Listen to your heart.
When he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart.
There's nothing else you can do.
# I don't know where you're going # # And I don't know why # # But listen to your heart # # Before you tell him good-bye # # Sometimes you wonder if the fight is worthwhile...
# You know what, I got it.
And you're right.
Now, if you will excuse me, I would like to look perfect, before I see the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
She's ready to go, Padre.
We got some good stuff.
We got the guests arriving, bridesmaids prepping, Callie's giant dress.
Right, so all we have left is the ceremony, then toast, dinner, cake cutting, bouquet toss, garter toss, first dance, chicken dance, then Donna Summers' "Last Dance."
My God, we're going to die here.
May I borrow you for a moment?
Sweetie, this is Russ Hogan.
Russ, this is the very-available daughter I was telling you about.
Mom!
Russ owns a Hummer dealership.
Hogan Hummers, biggest inventory in the state.
That is quite an accomplishment.
They practically sell themselves, Lynne.
Every man loves a Hummer.
I know.
Dick's been begging for one for years.
Maybe for our anniversary.
Russ, could you give us a sec?
Sweetie, give me your seating card.
I'm going to switch it, so you two can be together.
Mom, please, do you know how bad it looks when my own mother is this eager to pimp me out?!
Don't pretend you care about public opinion.
You don't even wear pantyhose.
Let's face it.
Your situation has reached a crisis level.
Everyone's asking me why you're wandering 'round here alone.
And I don't have a good answer.
Well, where are they?
I'll talk to them.
Fine.
What are you going to say?
Darling, there are tons of eligible men here, and I'm going to find you one.
You may hate me for it now, but you'll thank me later.
It's Babcock, leave me a message, and I'll call you back as soon as humanly possible from anywhere in the world.
Fine, come to the wedding.
Flirt with bridesmaids, take a carload of them home with you if you want.
There's just one condition.
You have to pretend to be my date...
my date-date.
Just long enough to get my mother off my back.
That's the offer on the table.
To hear this message, press three.
What am I doing?
Pepper.
Hold on a sec.
Pepper.
To delete this message, press seven.
Callie didn't show up for the bridal party photos.
Did she say "seven"?
Message is marked urgent.
No, no, not urgent!
Delete.
Erase.
Pepper!
What do you want, Kathy?
Callie's missing.
Girls, girls, calm down.
Our little girl has a habit of disappearing in times of stress.
We were almost expecting this.
Tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I don't know what you're talking about, but there is an entire bag of spinach wedged in between your front teeth, so why don't you find some floss and leave me alone.
Should someone tell Connor?
No, there's plenty of time before the ceremony starts.
I'll just extend the cocktail hour and have security check all of her old hiding places.
So you're not worried, then?
Not at all.
She'll come out when she's good and ready.
In the meantime, I'm treating myself to a little happy pill.
Pepperoni.
Hi, again.
Where you been?
Listen, I know you're the journalist, but, uh, can I shoot you a question?
Sure.
Did it hurt?
What?
When you fell from heaven.
Hey, Pepper, don't we have to go tape a segment on the thing...
Hey, buddy, can I get a refill?
Russ, that was a charming question, and one I can't answer.
I, like this function, am from hell.
You're funny.
What do you weight, about 110, 120?
I could bench that easily.
Sorry to keep you waiting, gorgeous.
Hey, uh, Russ Hogan, Hogan Hummers.
Mm, drive a hybrid, but thanks for taking care of her for me, big guy.
You're a champ.
Wow.
Hey, Babcock, your timing is impeccable.
Why thank you, Dennis.
It was my pleasure.
Yoo-hoo!
Sweetheart!
Damn, I didn't think they'd be on to us so fast.
There's no time for background, I...
Mr.
and Mrs.
Dinkle.
Charlie Babcock.
I have heard so much about you.
Well, what a surprise.
I thought you had to work.
A date who cancels at the last minute because he has to work?
Please, what kind of man is that?
Oh, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to hear that, Mr.
Babcock.
Please, it's Charlie.
Mr.
Dinkle, did Pepper mention I had my condo fitted with your products.
Which ones?
Dinkle Dimmers.
Glide Slide to all 400s.
I'm the envy of the homeowner's association.
Well, now.
I was hoping to meet someone who's used our new line.
So how long have you two been an item?
Mom, there'll be plenty of time to talk at the reception.
Right now, we should go say hi to everyone, you know, as a couple.
Of course.
You didn't mention that you were seeing the anchor.
I can't wait to talk to Abby.
Her daughter is dating someone at channel eight, but he's just a movie reviewer.
Got to go.
Bye-bye.
How do you know so much about my parents?
What kind of newsman do you take me for, Dennis?
Do you think they bought it?
Babcock, they paid with cash, strapped it to the top of their car, and are racing home.
Thanks.
Well, I have another report to file, so, um, you're here by released from duty.
Go snag yourself a nice bridesmaid.
Fantastic.
Hey, how long till the actual ceremony starts?
I like to know my time constraints, if any.
Currently we have a jittery bride who has us all in a holding pattern.
I should probably call Jack and let him know.
Sweet.
I'll be at the bar.
Hey, Dennis?
You look nice.
Hello, Mrs.
Cooper.
Would you like some Jordan almonds?
They're for later, but I won't tell.
Kathy, they're adorable.
You always do such a lovely job.
I try.
It is best to stay busy.
Probably keeps your mind off Bryce.
Such a shame.
Poor thing all alone.
Thank you.
I'm holding up.
When is Bryce returning from Kuala Lumpur?
Kuala Lumpur?
Isn't that where his conference is?
Your mother said that's why he couldn't be here today.
The bejeweled egg adorning this triple chocolate aquaz was once given by Czar Nicholas II to his bride.
They celebrated their wedding in lavish opulence while most of Russia starved.
Join us later when the newly weds cut into this priceless confection.
Cut!
Chick, I need to walk this off one off.
Psst!
Pepper, down here.
No one is commenting on the divorce because no one knows about it.
Mom told everyone that Bryce is on a business trip.
I'm living a lie, and it's not even mine!
I have to get out of here.
You're a bridesmaid.
Trade dresses with me.
Kathy, don't let her do this.
You've got to stand up for yourself.
And how would I do that?
Confront her, tell her how you feel.
That her behavior is inappropriate, unjustifiable, and is making you crazy.
That's what I'd do.
Oh, confront Mom, huh?
And when did this wisdom come to you, before or after you asked Charlie to be your fake date?
You're right.
We're adults with our own lives.
We can't be afraid of how Mom reacts to our decisions any longer.
Now I want you to dry those tears, fluff up that bouffant, and summon up a smile.
We're the Dinkle girls, damn it.
Let's crawl out of here with our heads held high.
Found it!
Whoo, these puppies can roll.
After searching all the usual places, there is no sign of Callie.
Oh, Barbara, we just heard.
Is it true?
Yes, our daughter is a runaway bride.
The anxiety!
It's more than my angina-ridden heart can handle.
Oh, no.
Seriously, what did you do?
Nothing.
Really?
Because you've been acting squirrelly since she disappeared.
Fine.
When I talked to Callie before, she asked me what I thought of Connor, so I told her the truth.
What is wrong with you, woman?
She asked me to.
The way somebody asks if their baby is cute or their butt looks fat.
Well, I was thrown.
She seemed fine.
She said she was gonna marry the guy.
She was going to listen to her heart.
She wanted you out of the room so she could chop off her hair and buy a bus ticket to Albuquerque.
I have to come clean.
No, you do not tell a crowd of white people that you've spoiled their wedding when there is lobster thermidor on the menu.
They will riot.
Who saw her last?
An excellent question.
Just keep moving, nice and slow.
Pepper!
It was you, wasn't it?
Really?
I think.
You went to go and do that segment on her dress.
No.
Why would I do that?
Okay, fine, it was me.
I was the last person to talk to Callie.
The last voice she heard before she jumped the wall.
W-was she upset?
Did she talk about calling it off?
What did you say?
Um, well, first, I think I apologized for saying that the institution of marriage turns independent interesting women into Wedgewood-owning Stepford wives.
Then I think I called Connor a run-of-the-mill guy with a great head of hair.
On behalf of my daughter, I apologize.
Is this because we left you at the lake that summer?
Who is that?
Father Dooley.
This is a wedding.
Or at least it was until you screwed it up.
I was not the last person to talk to Callie.
The last person to talk to Callie was a priest, but not that priest, a much younger priest, and hot!
A hot priest.
Not that you're not hot, Father.
We should call the police.
The staff spotted the alleged hot priest enter through the kitchen approximately 15 minutes before Callie was last seen.
House security cameras didn't catch anyone exiting the room, so they probably went out the window.
My daughter would never run away with a priest.
She's agnostic.
She didn't go willingly, Mrs.
Merrill.
It looks like there was a fallor a struggle.
The trellis is broken.
There is one set of footprints leading away from the scene.
A man's prints.
Now judging by their depth, he's either 300 pounds...
Or he was carrying someone.
What are you saying?
Callie was abducted.
Callie is a loving, caring person.
Please, let her come home.
That was Connor Blanchard making a heartfelt plea for the return of his fianc�e, Callie Merrill, who is believed to have been abducted four hours ago.
So, no ransom demand?
The police are expecting one at any time.
You got a theory on suspects?
We looking at everyone close to Callie, we ran background checks on the staff.
Started digging into the wedding guests, too.
Tough thing about the news.
You know, any puff piece can become an obit.
Well, I'll be damned.
I know Babcock was looking to hook up at this wingding, but I never would have pegged that one as his type.
And don't ask me why, but she refused to wear pants until she was three years old.
Pantsless Patty, that's what we called her.
Mother, this is a studio for live broadcast.
How did you get in here?
Through the door marked broadcast studio.
Well, you can't bother him while he's working.
Oh, it's no bother.
He's just being polite.
Now let him prep for his next broadcast.
Very well, darling.
I will leave you alone with your very charming Mr.
Babcock.
She really wasn't bothering me.
You've got to be kidding me.
Okay, I'll admit the num-num story got a little precious.
Sparky, the video on Monitor B-- could you roll that back ten seconds for me, please?
Stop!
That's him, our mystery priest.
Rick Harper.
That's Rick Harper.
Who is he?
Well, when Callie came home from the peace corps, she brought her new friends with her.
Unemployed layabouts with radical ideas.
We managed to talk some sense into Callie.
Made her see the obvious.
That these derelicts and what they stood for were a dead end.
Rick kept showing up.
But we told Callie to ignore him.
Eventually, he lost interest.
Well, this all happened many years ago, so we didn't think to mention it to the police.
He's seen the way we live.
He knows how much money we have.
That's the reason he's doing this.
He wants a ransom.
Unless...
You don't think he wants to hurt her?
Oh, no, no, no, my pet.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Dear God, oh, no.
She's protected, darling.
Don't worry, we'll put his picture on the air.
Somebody is sure to spot him.
Oh, sure.
Oh, no!
That's okay.
Do you know where the nondairy creamer is, dear?
In the break room.
Oh, all your coworkers are in there.
I wouldn't want to barge into other people's business.
Of course you wouldn't, Mother, unless it was mine.
Katherine Leigh, what are you talking about?
Mrs.
Cooper told me what you said about Bryce.
Really, Mother.
On a business trip?
It was an accident.
I just said that Bryce couldn't attend the wedding, and she assumed it was business.
I may have failed to correct her.
You told her he was in Kuala Lumpur!
So I embellished a little.
I'm just trying to spare you the awkwardness.
You know how those women gossip.
Mother, I don't think you're trying to protect me.
I think you lied because you're ashamed.
Well, a divorce isn't exactly something to be proud of, is it?
You took a vow.
You can't just quitbe cause it gets hard.
No, I'm sorry, darling, but until it's final, I'm not giving up.
Now Father Dooley needs more coffee.
Send the guests home.
Now, I want the catering tent down by the end of the day.
Do you hear me?
End of the day.
Hang on.
Yeah?
No.
Cancel the plane tickets, the villa in Tuscany, all of it.
And I don't want to hear the word nonrefundable.
The amount of business my family gives you, you should have paid for this trip in the first place.
What do you want?
Did you just cancel your honeymoon?
I'm a Blanchard.
When disaster strikes, we don't sit around and cry.
We're men of action.
Then why don't you have every private investigator on your company payroll and the police commissioner himself looking for her?
You act like she's not coming back, Connor.
Why?
What, do you think I had something to do with this?
No, I just want to help.
I think you've done enough.
There's something you're not telling us.
The smallest detail could help bring Callie back.
Yeah?
What if she doesn't want to come back?
Talk to me.
I could feel her distancing herself as the wedding got closer.
Just little things, but I noticed.
I may be just a run-of-the-mill guy with a great head of hair, but I know when the woman I love isn't in love with me.
You don't think she was abducted, do you?
That's a tough question for me to answer.
But either way, I've lost her.
Jack?
We're back to "Runaway Bride."
Rick isn't the kidnapper, he's the boyfriend.
Yeah?
How do you figure that?
Connor said Callie had been pulling away, and just before she disappeared, she said she was about to see the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.
She didn't mean Connor.
She meant Rick.
Well, I love your theory, Dennis, but the only people who can confirm it are doing a bang-up job of staying hidden.
The cops have staked out every airport and bus station.
And there hasn't been any credit card or bank activity...
They're smart.
If they want to stay off the grid, they won't use so much as a gas card.
But they need money.
Eight carats off lawless perfection.
If you're willing to pawn it, you could get a nice stack of green.
And I know just where Callie Merrill likes to hock things.
Jack, the story is ours.
Love that gal.
Yeah.
Oh, sweetheart!
We were just telling Charlie that you must bring him up to the country house some weekend.
I'm warning you, Dick, you won't be able to get me off the lake.
Patty, you didn't tell me your friend was a fishing nut.
I like this fella.
We get our flies tied by the same guy.
No wonder you spend so many hours here.
You have our permission to marry.
Babcock?!
Charlie Babcock, I hate to break up the party, but we have a late-breaking development.
I had to get you out of there.
Could you please, just not...
Not what?
I don't know.
Encourage them.
Encourage her.
But I thought the plan was...
I know, and I appreciate what you've done.
I do.
But it's got to stop.
The more you build us up now, the more wrecked she's going to be later.
When she learns there is no us.
Yeah, and my mother has a massive capacity for disappointment.
No worries.
I'll set them straight.
Good, I like that.
I mean, you are the man in this bogus relationship.
You should do the heavy lifting.
Drop the bomb, wipe up the tears, send her off.
I think she likes you better than me, anyway.
Crap.
Never mind, she's my mother.
It's my job to break her heart.
Well, you are a heartbreaker, Pantsless.
Did you get it?
Let's go!
Run!
Geez!
Callie!
Callie!
Callie, we need to talk!
Talk to this!
Callie!
Callie!
Let go!
Callie!
Rick!
Help me out here!
Rick, let go!
Don't you yell at him!
This man is an angel!
He wanted to do this the right way and tell my parents the whole story, but I said no.
I knew they'd never accept him.
Why can't everyone just leave us alone?
Because everyone thinks she's been kidnapped!
I never wanted to marry Connor.
But he proposed in front of my parents, and when I saw that look on their faces...
I'd never seen them look at me like that before.
Hey!
You're not the only one who didn't want to disappoint her parents at your non-wedding!
It was torture for me, too.
But you've got to tell them the truth about who you are and what you want!
Otherwise, you'll always be running.
I would also like to apologize to the Chicago police.
I made a bad decision today, and my actions caused a lot of anxiety, and for that I am deeply sorry.
There is one thing, however, that I don't regret.
And that's taking the advice of an old friend.
She considers herself a cynic, but really she's the most romantic person I have ever met.
She told me I should listen to my heart, and for that I will always be grateful.
Mother, try not to get too sentimental, they're billionaires.
I'm just so happy, for them, for you and Charlie.
It's obvious he adores you.
Mom?
Hmm?
Charlie and I aren't together, romantically or otherwise.
In fact, most of the time, he vexes the hell out of me.
I don't understand.
I lied.
Why in the world would you do that?
I didn't want to disappoint you.
Sweetheart, you didn't have to lie.
Mom, you act like it's a national tragedy if I show up somewhere unaccompanied.
And I try not to let it get to me, but you know what?
It does.
It makes me feel like a failure.
A failure?
Don't be ridiculous.
You're brilliant and successful.
And you have a condo off the Magnificent Mile.
And you're beautiful.
The women in my bridge club constantly ask me who does your hair?
They do?
I'm not disappointed in you, Patricia.
And I know that you're fine on your own.
If I push, it's just because, well, I want you to have what I have.
Your father makes me so happy.
Dad is pretty good.
I can't imagine my life without him.
And I do want what you and Dad have, more than anything.
But honestly, Mom?
I don't think I've even been close.
I've spent so much time focusing on all this.
What if I never find someone?
Oh, I'm not worried.
If there's one thing I know about my Pattycake, she always gets what she wants.
Always.
Oh!
Well.
Knowing I have this kind of impact on you is both shocking and life affirming.
There's someone else who cares what you think.
Everybody?
I'm thrilled to announce that Rick and I are getting married.
And with our blessing.
Congratulations!
When?
Right here, right now.
Dennis, your priest is passed out in stall number two.
Oh, no.
Who are we going to get this late at night?
And do you, Callie Rose Merrill take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
Now by the power vested in me by www.legalmarriagesonline.com, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Kiss the bride.
Hey, you're Pepper's friend, aren't you?
How much do you weigh, about 110, 120?
Get lost.
Ooh, spunky, too, I like that.
Kind of like the new H2 sport utility truck.
Awesome.
Sorry to keep you waiting, gorgeous.
Hey, thanks for keeping an eye on her for me, big guy.
You're a champ.
Turning into a pumpkin, Babcock?
My work here is done, my child.
Not squiring any bridesmaids back to your cyber-rectory?
Nah, no one here was really playing on my level.
Hey, thanks for spending the whole day with Lynne and Dick Dinkle.
They're...
a lot.
I owe you big.
You know, this may come as a shock to you, Dennis, but I like them, Lynne and Dick.
Oh, come on.