Programma Televisivo: Shameless - 5x14
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Expressl Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wickedl Piss offl What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included - is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head, but...you pay the taxes.
CHEERlNG lmagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Ehl Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs nowl Make poverty historyl Cheaper drugs nowl CHUCKLES Scatterl Partyl (Liam) 'Affairs of the heart are troublesome to adults.
'They're complex, and carry lots of baggage.
'And consequences.
Big and small.
' Will you fuckin' lie at peace?
'lt's the one area of life where adults get to behave irrationally.
'Like kids on a sugar rush, 'tears and tantrums, falling out and not speakin'.
'Secrets and lies.
'Makes you wonder whether it's worth it, 'if it wouldn't it be better to stay on your own?
'Be a priest, or a Trappist monk or somethin'?
'Live apart from society?
'lf only there was a superior being l could believe in.
' Where's Liam?
He's gonna be late.
Liaml Oh, don't get up, l'll fix his toast(l) Hellol Have you seen the size of me?
FOOTSTEPS You didn't wake mel Got a study day.
MONlCA LAUGHS God, he looks like a refugee from the 1980sl There's nothing wrong with him.
Well, the fashion police might beg to differ, Debbiel Why's she laughin'?
Cos her hormones have affected her brain.
Go and get your bag.
Scar him for life, sending him into school with trousers like thatl They're gonna have to do him till the end of term, unless you have a contribution to make.
Oh, l forgot, he's my job, just like everything else round here.
Developing a victim complex, are we, Debbie?
l'm knackered.
Try sleeping next to the heffalump over there.
Then see how knackered you are.
l'm cookin' a baby.
Which forces you to kick the fuck out of me in me sleep?l Wake me up for dinner.
Christ, more meat on a butcher's pencil, Carl.
l've got no clean shirts.
Come on, Debs, l'm seeing Tracey Kelvin later.
We've got two possibilities, then, haven't we?
Either l've washed, dried and ironed them and hid 'em somewhere so you can't find them, or alternatively, since you should be able to get off your arse and wash your own shirts by now, it's still in the washing basket.
Which do you think it is?
Well, if you didn't stay up half the night texting your mates, you might not be so tetchy of a morningl So did she wash the shirts or not?
(Mimi) Jocks, l hate them.
How come the filth are all over us like a rash?
What have we done?
Fuck alll Somebody's feeding them information.
(Mimi) Shortbread, what's that about?
Biggest score in six fucking months, and we couldn't shift a vitamin C tablet if there was a plague of rickets.
You reckon it's them Jocks that have been sellin' 'em round pubs?
l know it's those tight-fisted, skirt-wearing, Braveheart-watching Scottish fuckersl Anonymous phone tips to lnspector Plod.
Hml They've no morals up there.
That's why we kicked them out of lreland in the sixth century.
Not like they've got a sell-by-date.
Pills.
All of our petty cash is tied up in those pills, you skidmark.
We are stony fucking brokel (Mimi) Braveheart, me arsel Your mother's in there, cooking, like it's going out of fashionl ..useless fuckin', grassin', haggis-eating Scottish...
lt wouldn't be a plague of rickets.
lt'd be a plague of crickets.
Like that bloke Jimmy out of Pinocchio.
One with the top hat.
Pigs have just nicked our Mandy.
She's got Katie with her.
What for?
Haven't got a clue.
Two minutes ago.
Mam, the cops have nicked our Mandy.
(All plead) Mickeyl Nol Bastardsl lt burns.
l think that's upside down.
What the fuck?
Anything?
You?
Didn't stop her shining a torch up me crack.
Believe me, some sights are better left unseen.
(Tom) Oh, that's grossl (Carrie) Uhl Rankl (Tom) Hasn't she got a nappy on?
CSl Chatsworth here wanted to inspect it.
Another feast for the eyes.
Well, you should get one on her before...
l haven't got a spare.
l was only popping down the shop.
We'll give you a hand putting it...
Don't bother.
Quicker if l do it myself.
Stay there, Katie.
Good girl.
l'm sorry about this.
We got a tip-off.
Get better information, then.
lt's fuckin' harassment.
She's soaked.
Oi, you dropped...
DOOR OPENS Oh, me babyl How is he?
Arrghl Eh, not even third-degree burns.
l've had worse off Swan Vestas.
Gotta keep this cream on, stop it blisterin'.
Because he's worth it.
Shut it, youl Have some consideration, Shane.
Wasn't me that threw a pan of pasta of sauce over him.
And what's that supposed to mean?
You calling me a bad mother?
Mimi.
''Mimi''l What?
He was havin' a go, weren't ya?
Wasn't he?l (Mandy) God's sake.
Fuckin' coppers.
Don't let them get to you.
Sitting there all morning.
She gets a rash, l'm makin' a complaint.
All rightl l'm on your side, remember?
l know.
Sorry.
Oh, shit.
ls this what you're lookin' for?
You must have dropped it on the floor when you stripped the buggy.
This is a private letter.
l didn't know it was important.
You lot searched me daughter and stuck fingers up my arse.
Think l was gonna run after you and deliver your mail?
l'm sorry.
You all right?
SOBBlNG She were only your birth mother.
Your real mum's the one who brought you up.
l was brought up in a care home, there is no real mum.
She was it.
You've been looking for her a long time?
Two years.
l was gonna start earlier, but everyone said, ''Wait till you're older, till you know your own mind.'' Now, she's fuckin' deadl You're not gonna give up?
Her children, they're your brothers and sisters.
Half.
Half-brothers and one sister.
Now apparently, l'm an ''unfortunate mistake from my mother's youth, ''and shouldn't tarnish her good name by forcing myself upon the family.'' They've had a shock.
Mother's not six weeks dead, and a son crawls out of the woodwork.
You could be a gold-digger, for all they know.
Thanks a bunch.
l'd better get back inside.
You can't go in like that.
Your eyes are all puffy.
Here.
How old was she when she had you?
1 7.
Good Catholic family, sent her off to lreland to have the baby, get it adopted, spare the family shame.
Did you know she was from the north-west?
ls that why you came over?
Hadn't a clue.
Believe me, it's a shock to think you're lrish, then find out it's English blood in your veins.
Chip on my shoulder's totally confusedl l just don't get it.
l mean, you're a mother.
How could you give away your own baby?
That's a bit of a bloke's attitude, if you don't mind me sayin'.
l was 15 when l fell pregnant with Katie.
Hardest thing l've ever done.
People say they'll support you, but they don't really.
Nappy-changing and buying vests, yeah.
But in the important stuff, in the dark hours, when you think you're the worst mum ever, you resent her cos she's changed everything, forced you to be old before your time, there's moments you'd flog her on eBay for the price of a bottle of cider.
So do you wish you hadn't had her?
Are you mental?
She's the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me.
The only beautiful thing that's ever happened to me.
How could l do that to me own baby?
You lost your temper, everybody does sometimes.
lt's like the deed's done before me brain's had time to process the thought.
Bothers me.
Then let's do something about it.
Nobody's allowed to bother my angel.
Not...even...you.
Done.
Listen, thanks for taking the time.
Had a gap in my schedule.
Besides, your eyes don't look like you've gone 12 rounds with Ricky Hatton now.
l'm really sorry l opened your letter.
Yeah, yeah.
Funny, but...well, l'm not.
l'll see you.
(lan) A copper?l Shh.
l felt sorry for him.
Seems like a nice bloke.
What is it with you and men in uniform?
Shut upl You gonna ask him out?
No..
How would that look, anyway?
A Maguire and a police officer off down the pictures?
You're finding excuses.
l feel as if me radar's broke...
after Lip, and then Dex.
l don't know what to think.
l don't wanna make an arse of meself.
Test the water, then.
How?
Well, you've got the world's best buffer in there.
Take her with.
Can't find me trou..
l Here.
Try them.
They look worse.
You can see the turn-up a mile offl Well, l'll iron them, then.
Why can't l wear them like they were before?
Because you can't, that's all.
There we go.
Are we poor?
What made you ask that?
Nothin'.
Just...
Some of the kids at school said.
We do all right.
We're not any poorer than anyone else, and it doesn't matter what other people say, OK?
l know.
Come on, Traceyl lt's just a datel All right, Carl?
Here he comes - the great unwashedl l need...
l need...advice.
lt's about...
sex.
Right, l'm seeing this girl, Tracey Kelvin, and she's dead experienced.
You've popped your cherry, though?
Course l have, but...
she knows stuff.
Loads of stuff.
You've had older women.
Didn't they teach you?
Yeah, but they always did stuff to me.
Tracey expects me to do stuff to her.
So you want me to teach you foreplay?
What's that?
(Man) 'l was so angry, l went out to the garage and snapped...
' (Woman) '..Every time l drink.
l've run out of excuses...
' (Man) '..A slag, to her face.
My P45 arrived...
' (Man) '..Full volume, day and night.
l threw his stereo out the window...
' < Mimi?
Do you have anything to share?
Well, there was the time l hit my husband with me shoe - a good six-inch heel.
He'd come in seven sheets to the wind every night that week, and the kids were only small.
l kept them on deliberate.
Stilettos, like...
So l took a knife and carved me initials into his back, ten inches high, while he was still tied up.
Next time one of my lads hit a ball into his garden, he handed it back double-quick, that's for sure.
lf you try taking a deep breath before you act...
Brian, l've tried everything.
l've tried counting to ten, l've tried saying a prayer to St Clare of Assisi.
l never get past three, and l always end up going to confession after.
There are other strategies.
Problem-solving, better communication, cognitive restructuring.
l'm not a hippyl l'm talking about empathising with people, putting yourself in their shoes.
l'll give you some materials that might help.
Haven't you got immigrant labour who do that for you?
Filling my day with meaningless tasksl Where you off to?
Just out for a walk.
So have you phoned them?
l don't see the point.
Well, see you, then.
Hey, waitl l'm due a break.
Do you want to go to the park?
l'll spring for the ice-cream.
All right.
lf you could have asked your mother one question, what would it be?
l couldn't ask her just one question.
lt would have to be a million, or none.
Like what?
Like...is there a history of heart attacks in the family?
Did she get the life she wanted after she gave me up?
Where did l get this nose?
You could probably sue for the nosel lt's just cruel to lumber a kid with thatl LAUGHS You've got to call them.
l don't think so.
Another lesson you learn in care - you can't make people accept you.
(Both) Wheeel What's for tea, Mum?
Home-made stew.
There's nowt here.
That's because you haven't made it yet.
(Carl) OK, what's my first lesson?
So what d'you normally do?
Shag 'em for as long as l can before...
Before, you know?
And that's it?
No, l give them a bit of a rub first.
l went six minutes, once - 324 pumps.
You don't, like...
build up to it, like, with her erogenous zones?
Tits and fanny, yeah.
This Tracey Kelvin better be worth itl SHOUTlNG AND CLATTERlNG (Mickey) Get off me, ya bastardl Get off mel lnl Nobody died.
lt would be irrational to get overly upset about a ruined dinner.
This is cognitive restructuring.
We could attempt to problem-solve the reasons why you two felt it necessary to batter the living shite out of one another.
What l think's required here is some positive reinforcement.
So...
Shane, tell your brother that you love him.
Fuck offl Tell your brother you love him.
MUMBLES lNDlSTlNCTLY You're not trying to poke a hole in a fence.
Like you're licking a Bartletts pear half.
MUMBLES What?
l said, how long have l gotta do it for?
My tongue's knackered.
A bit, like, softer.
(Man) l'm dying of thirst, herel l wish l could help him, that's all.
So help him.
Do something about it, get on his good side.
l can't, it's personal stuff.
l hardly even know him.
Yeah, all right.
Talk yourself out of it.
God forbid you should meet a bloke with a good job who's keen on youl l don't know that he's keen on me.
Yeah, fair point.
Cops are always taking me to the park for ice lolliesl Pint and two Es, Karen.
You look like a chicken who's just been told she's got to shit an eggl Here, you're a mother...
No, l'm not.
Well, yeah.
Well, you know, you've got all the raw materials, haven't you?
Do you have a...?
ls there a nesting instinct in you, makes you wanna kick everyone else out of the homestead, make room for your chicks?
Oh, has Monica got the sweats?
Oh, ''the sweats''?
The sweats?l ls that what you call it?
Grievous bodily harm in anyone else's language.
Well, you know what the answer is.
What's that?
Keep your pecker in your pants.
..So l said to Bill Roache - Ken Barlow, of course - l said, ''Billyl ''You want to know what side your bread's butteredl ''Tie them into a long-term contract.'' l said, ''So what if you're typecast, you'll have a steady income.
''Not many can say that.'' l'm knackered, mate.
lf there was a book entitled, All Men Know About Women, it'd be empty.
She's gone completely off at deep end.
She's made us hug each other.
Yeah, like we was poofsl l can see you getting in touch with your feminine sidel Your mother has depths you've never been exposed to.
Give her credit.
But, Dad...
l said, give her creditl Trust me, she'll be able to help you out.
Belle Carter?
Are you having a laugh?
She was an extra on Corrie for about ten minutes 30 years ago.
You'd think she was...fucking Hamlet at the Royal Shakespearel Get a better idea, have you?
Have you?
You said you wanted to help him, and now's your chance.
Go on, she's waitin'.
Go onl All right.
All right, Belle?
Drinks are on me.
Oohl That's very kind of you.
D'you know, you remind me a little of Pat Phoenix - Elsie Tanner, God rest her soul.
Course, she was a redhead.
''Never call me ginger,'' she once said to me.
Look, l've got a job for you.
l want you to pretend to be someone.
l'm trying to help a friend.
Righty-ho.
You get the drinks in, and tell Belle all about the role.
Oh, and gin, if you don't mind, this time.
Protein power diet.
Right.
SNlFFS What the fuck's that smell?
Lavender.
lt's soothin'.
Smells like the inside of a hooker's oxter.
You said you'd support me, Paddy.
l'm trying to mellow.
l...will, sweet pea, of course l'll support you.
Good.
l really think it's workin'.
l've got some potpourri drying in the kitchen.
Water?l Hey.
Yeah.
X-Factorl She says she's going home to get inside the skin of the character.
What, like Silence Of The Lambs?
l wouldn't put it past her.
She's loopy enough.
l'm meeting her tomorrow to give details.
All this to get inside some bizzy's boxersl Like that's gonna happenl You never know.
(Man) Pint, please, lan.
Yeah, mate.
So l won't give you the full bag, l'll give you a quarter.
Keep your head clear.
See if you can patch it up with that nice girl of yours.
Ta-ra.
What was all that about?
Young Felix is on the baccy morning, noon and night.
lt's ruining his relationship.
A bit less smoking would do them both the world of good.
Ohl Dad, what are you doing?
Oh...
Why does everybody in this house see it as their duty to physically abuse me?
Listen, Dad, l'm worried about Liam.
He thinks we're poor, and he's getting teased.
l am the one bearing the brunt, Deb.
l mean, nobody thinks about fathers, do they?
We're just supposed to keep shtoom and just get on with it, like Gary Cooper in High Noon.
What about me, Deb?
What about me?
Hello, love.
Look...
l think l made a mistake.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
lt's nothing personal, it's just...
pretending to be best mates with some dead woman you've never met is too much of an ask.
Ohl You'd have loved Patricia if you'd met her - everybody did.
What?
lt broke her heart giving that baby away.
But it was different days.
Her parents were religious.
You did what your father said or you were out.
Ne'er a day went by when she didn't slink off for a quiet cry about her lad growing up in lreland, nobody belonging to him.
Not that she looked for sympathy.
No, there was just a sadness there, a guilt, you could say, that she never quite shook off.
This is everything l can remember from the letter and stuff he said.
Right-oh.
Oh, um...cider and black, if you don't mind, love.
l skipped breakfast.
So?
She was...fucking brilliant.
Nearly believed her myself.
What did l tell you?
Pint of lager and two Es, and don't spare the horses.
MOBlLE RlNGS Hello?
Yeah, l can be there at 7.30.
l've just got an errand to run.
Everything all right?
OK, see you then.
< lt wasn't my fault.
WHlMPERS Since when do we invite junkies into our house for tea?
The lad's father ridiculed him all through his teens because of his acne.
l'm empathising, Patrick.
Be with you in a minute, girls.
Terry's almost done.
Are any of these spongers actually buying anything?
There's more to life than money, Patrick.
You have to nurture the soul.
The drugs are bad enough.
But now my own wife is trying to drive me into bankruptcyl l'll be back in a minute, love.
Keep projecting positive thoughts.
OK.
Why are you being so hostile?
Business is going down the shitter and you're turning our most reliable punters into a bunch of fucking tree huggersl l'm doling out help and advice alongside the gear.
lt's responsible selling.
lt's irresponsible, Mimil lt takes you a fucking hour to shift a couple of pillsl l'm a new woman.
l thought it's what everyone wanted.
lf you don't like it, then maybe we've got a problem.
(Terry) lt wasn't my fault.
(Mimi) l'm with you now.
OK?
< lt wasn't my fault.
lt's all right.
Deep breaths...
Come on, Frank, you've had enough.
He's only had two pints all afternoon.
He's just sleeping.
Don't get me wrong, l don't want a new fucking woman, l want the woman l married back.
Some junkie was helping her move furniture when l left.
Something about energy flow and feng chewie.
She's lost the fucking plot.
Don't talk about your mother like that.
You just said...
That's different, l'm her husband.
You're meant to worship her while she's here and canonise her once she's passed away.
That's how it works in lrish families.
l don't care how many herbal soaps she puts in the bathroom - my Mimi is in there somewhere.
We have to find a way to provoke a response that'll snap her out of this before it goes too far.
You look great.
Thank you, love.
l'll pretend l didn't notice the tone of surprise.
So, where is the boy wonder?
You said he'd be here at 7.30.
He promised.
Something must have come up.
Right, well, l'm going to powder my nose.
Do l have to stick strictly to the script?
Yeah.
G&T when you can, love.
Ohl Christl How long have l been here?
Six hours.
How many pints have l had?
That's just your second.
Oh, right, that's fucking itl She's on the sofa tonight, baby or no baby.
Who says we're poor?
She bought them out of her own savings.
> l don't want new trousersl Don't worry, they weren't expensive.
They probably came from a sweat shop in Asia, 10p a week, no toilet breaks until October.
Oil Don't be so ungratefull Sorry, Debs.
Thanks.
lt's OK, you don't need to thank me.
Right, l've got to go.
Off out again?
> l could cut my toenails in her bed.
She hates it when l do that.
Why the fuck would you be in my bed?
l could do an oil change in the living room.
She'd turn it into Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Fucking Cuddliness, put an incense stick in the oil and burn it.
You could wash her whites with her coloureds.
..Ruin all her undies.
l could hardly tell you where the washing machine is, let alone how to work it.
Karen doesn't make you do the laundry, does she?
Well, what's important to her?
She's more likely to go off her dinger about something that matters to her, in't she?
ln't she?
> Family.
Meaning you - her little baby.
What?
Shane, kick the shit out of your brother.
< Not nowl Pavlov's fucking dogl On the quiet.
Make it look like the Scots did it.
How come he gets to do me?
Unless you'd rather do it yourself.
And what good's that going to do?
To you, nothing, other than knowing you're giving her pleasure.
lt's like an investment for the future.
Tell me again about the ari...
The bit around the nipple.
l have a life, Carl.
l can't be your round-the-clock sex counsellor.
l wanna learn.
And you're really helping me.
lt's the areola.
lt's all these new words.
l'm never gonna remember 'em.
Unless you show me.
l'm a married woman.
l don't mean naked - with your clothes on.
(Paddy) The dates - when are they coming to Manchester?
The bit around here.
The dark bit.
You don't just want to plunge right in onto the nipple.
You wanna build up to it.
l know, but...erm...
Just describe what needs to be done again.
Later.
Come on.
Probably got a couscous salad waiting for us, or something.
l'm so sorry.
We've been here two hours.
l know, l'm sorry.
ls this who you wanted me to meet?
This is Belle.
She was a friend of your mother's.
What?
(Slurs) We were like sisters, me and Pat.
ln and out each other's houses.
How did you...?
l just put the feelers out.
Big lrish family, lots of cousins.
When...
How...did you know her?
l said to her only last week...
Last year.
Last year.
l said, ''You should trace that boy of yours.'' And she did, son, she started proceedings.
Her fondest wish to be re-nu-nited with you.
She just couldn't hold on long enough to see it through.
She said this last year?
Yup.
On a trip to Vegas.
What?
She'd always wanted to go there.
l performed there, of course, when l had the legs for it.
> She was star-struck, your mum - she wanted to see where Sinatra played, Caesars Palace, MGM Grand.
> Maybe we should stick closer to home.
lf you must.
What exactly do you want to know, son?
When did you last see my mother?
Couple of months ago.
At the bingo.
Gambling, see.
The Vegas connection again.
Hey, l tell you who liked to gamble - Johnny Briggs.
Mike Baldwin, of course.
l've just come from my mother's house.
What?
Really?
How is she?
l met with my half-brothers and sister.
Oh, that must have been nice.
My mother was in a coma for the last two years of her life after a brain haemorrhage.
lf she went to Vegas, it must have been a hell of a trip.
Who is this woman?
l was trying to help.
l...
l'd better go.
Did l get the part?
Tom, wait.
l'm sorry.
l was trying to help.
l thought if you could get some answers, even if they weren't the right ones, it might give you some peace.
lt's been a long day.
When l saw you crying the other day, l couldn't bear it.
Mandy...
l can't.
Why not?
lf it's because of my family, l'm not like them.
lt's just as hard for me that you're a copper.
No, l mean l can't.
l'm seeing someone.
l have been for a while.
What?
You never said.
l didn't think it was an issue.
l didn't know you felt...
Oh, my Godl Mandy...
My Godl My Godl Mandy, l'm sorryl DlSTANT SlREN WAlLS l felt horrible.
l didn't know what to say.
lf l was sending out the wrong signals, it wasn't intentional.
She was only trying to be kind.
lt's more than kindness.
She likes you, you halfwitl l know that now.
At the time...
You should have talked to me about your mum.
How could l?
We've got enough on our plate, don't you think?
l thought we agreed, no secrets.
lt wasn't a secret, l just thought...
All this sneaking around, coming here...
l can't even call you at home.
Have you any idea how patronising that sounds?
Does it?
lt's OK to sleep with me, tell me you love me, but don't worry my pretty little head with complex personal issues.
l didn't think about that, l didn't mean...
l know you didn't mean.
That's one of the reasons l love you.
Mandy.
l thought you had a shoo-in.
Mandy.
He's an idiot.
No, you're an idiot.
And l'm even more of one for listening to you.
lf your gaydar's as fucked up as your straight antenna, you'll be single a long time, lan.
< (Shane) Hurry up, will you?
< Or l'll come and do it for you.
She'll be back in a minute.
A black eye would have done it.
What a day.
l've acquired a family l didn't even know, even though they took a bit of persuading.
Nice people, though, once l sat down with them.
Debs.
We have to tell her.
We can't.
l know.
l know it's a massive risk, but...
l have to.
She's my sister-in-law, as good as.
Just wait till your birthday.
Have you any idea how she'll be feeling right now?
l can't lie to her.
lt wouldn't be fair.
l could go to jaill l don't want to jinx us by being unkind to someone.
Sweetheart, you all right?
Don't tell Debbiel Why?
What you doing?
l like looking...poor.
People underestimate you and then if you achieve something, it's a big deal.
A working-class hero's something to be, Mum.
Please don't tell Debbie.
> She wouldn't understand.
You could always burst a pen in your pocket.
Cos ink never washes out.
< Aw...
l Cheers.
How did you get on?
Dunno.
l'm not sure if she liked it.
How do you mean?
You know the finger up the arse thing?
l don't know if l timed it right.
You might have to talk me through it again.
Somebody's been out on the town.
He's had a date.
Oh, yeah?
Who with?
Tracey Kelvin.
l was just giving him a few tips.
Who's Tracey Kelvin?
< Oh, some vastly experienced teen sexual predator.
Who's a sexual predator?
What's it got to do with you?
l'm Tracey Kelvin.
What's he been saying?
Nothing.
l've not said nothing.
He said you knew stuff none of us had ever heard of.
Foreign stuff from your other lovers.
ls he calling me a slapper?
No.
Did you ride him or not?
Did l fuckl l won't let him go anywhere near me.
He's not even got his own car.
So why...?
lt were just a joke.
He was getting you to talk dirty.
What?l He was getting you to talk dirty so he could go home for a bit of DlY.
l showed him that thing you do with your tongue.
You little bastardl What thing with his tongue?
What's going on?
God Almightyl What happened?
The Jocks.
They caught up with him on the estate.
< He had no chance.
lt was a massacre.
What are you going to do?l Me?
Not a thing.
There's a new ethos in this house, and l won't be the one who rocks the boat.
Oil Sheep-shaggersl Get 'eml That's my girll What's so important?
You nearly woke Katie.
ls something wrong?
lt's me.
What is?
Tom.
l'm sorry he didn't tell you.
l wasn't sure myself what l thought.
No, you don't understand.
l mean, it's me.
l'm the someone he's seeing.
Don't be stupid.
You're only a kid.
But he's...
26.
And l'm nearly 16.
lt's illegal.
lt's disgustingl We love each other.
Oh, grow up.
How can you know what love is at your age?
How old were you when you got pregnant with Katie?
That was different.
We were both kids.
And love came after, out of necessity.
lsn't it better doing it this way round?
l'm not going to get pregnant.
l'm not naive.
What?
Cos you got two lessons in biology, you know what it's all about?
You're the one always telling me how grown-up l am.
> A 20-year-old head on 15-year-old shoulders.
l couldn't have been more wrong, could l?
You love him?
You've been reading too many magazines.
Look, l'm sorry he hurt you.
He didn't mean it.
Fuck off.
He didn't hurt me.
l'd had a couple of drinks, that's all.
Lost my head.
KNOCK AT DOOR What are you doing?
l couldn't let you do it on your own, could l?
Didn't know what you might be facing.
What if someone sees?
Well, then, so be it.
l didn't realise.
Stop apologising.
You're pathetic, the pair of you.
You won't say anything?
What am l gonna say?
A bloke gave me a body swerve cos he prefers children?
She's not a child.
She's not a woman.
We didn't do it lightly.
lt took a long time.
That's worse.
We'd like to keep it quiet...
l'll bet you would.
..till Debbie's birthday.
Please, Mandy.
l won't say anything.
But when it goes belly up, don't come running.
Look, things could get tricky.
Shh.
l'll talk to you in the morning.
(Liam) 'l don't think l'll bother growing up.
'All that aggro, and for what?
To be kicked out of your bed?
'Resented for growing a life inside you?
'The lies and the politics, 'sneaking around, 'opening yourself up to all sorts of hurt and pain.
'And for what?
Companionship?
'Someone to hold onto in bed at night?
'You can be your own company.
Hold on to yourself in bed.
'Carl does every night when he thinks l'm sleeping.
'ln the olden days, they used to give drugs to gymnasts from East Germany 'to keep them children for as long as possible.
'Wonder if l could get my hands on any of those.
' Course, it was my choice to move on from Corrie.
l'm more of an all-round entertainer, rather than just a one-trick pony.
l've done two cruises round the Shetland lsles.
Yeah.
Three seasons at Skegness.
Hey, hey, heyl Bobby Davro, eh?
Oh, he's a lovely man...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wickedl Piss offl What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included - is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head, but...you pay the taxes.
CHEERlNG lmagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Ehl Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs nowl Make poverty historyl Cheaper drugs nowl CHUCKLES Scatterl Partyl (Liam) 'Affairs of the heart are troublesome to adults.
'They're complex, and carry lots of baggage.
'And consequences.
Big and small.
' Will you fuckin' lie at peace?
'lt's the one area of life where adults get to behave irrationally.
'Like kids on a sugar rush, 'tears and tantrums, falling out and not speakin'.
'Secrets and lies.
'Makes you wonder whether it's worth it, 'if it wouldn't it be better to stay on your own?
'Be a priest, or a Trappist monk or somethin'?
'Live apart from society?
'lf only there was a superior being l could believe in.
' Where's Liam?
He's gonna be late.
Liaml Oh, don't get up, l'll fix his toast(l) Hellol Have you seen the size of me?
FOOTSTEPS You didn't wake mel Got a study day.
MONlCA LAUGHS God, he looks like a refugee from the 1980sl There's nothing wrong with him.
Well, the fashion police might beg to differ, Debbiel Why's she laughin'?
Cos her hormones have affected her brain.
Go and get your bag.
Scar him for life, sending him into school with trousers like thatl They're gonna have to do him till the end of term, unless you have a contribution to make.
Oh, l forgot, he's my job, just like everything else round here.
Developing a victim complex, are we, Debbie?
l'm knackered.
Try sleeping next to the heffalump over there.
Then see how knackered you are.
l'm cookin' a baby.
Which forces you to kick the fuck out of me in me sleep?l Wake me up for dinner.
Christ, more meat on a butcher's pencil, Carl.
l've got no clean shirts.
Come on, Debs, l'm seeing Tracey Kelvin later.
We've got two possibilities, then, haven't we?
Either l've washed, dried and ironed them and hid 'em somewhere so you can't find them, or alternatively, since you should be able to get off your arse and wash your own shirts by now, it's still in the washing basket.
Which do you think it is?
Well, if you didn't stay up half the night texting your mates, you might not be so tetchy of a morningl So did she wash the shirts or not?
(Mimi) Jocks, l hate them.
How come the filth are all over us like a rash?
What have we done?
Fuck alll Somebody's feeding them information.
(Mimi) Shortbread, what's that about?
Biggest score in six fucking months, and we couldn't shift a vitamin C tablet if there was a plague of rickets.
You reckon it's them Jocks that have been sellin' 'em round pubs?
l know it's those tight-fisted, skirt-wearing, Braveheart-watching Scottish fuckersl Anonymous phone tips to lnspector Plod.
Hml They've no morals up there.
That's why we kicked them out of lreland in the sixth century.
Not like they've got a sell-by-date.
Pills.
All of our petty cash is tied up in those pills, you skidmark.
We are stony fucking brokel (Mimi) Braveheart, me arsel Your mother's in there, cooking, like it's going out of fashionl ..useless fuckin', grassin', haggis-eating Scottish...
lt wouldn't be a plague of rickets.
lt'd be a plague of crickets.
Like that bloke Jimmy out of Pinocchio.
One with the top hat.
Pigs have just nicked our Mandy.
She's got Katie with her.
What for?
Haven't got a clue.
Two minutes ago.
Mam, the cops have nicked our Mandy.
(All plead) Mickeyl Nol Bastardsl lt burns.
l think that's upside down.
What the fuck?
Anything?
You?
Didn't stop her shining a torch up me crack.
Believe me, some sights are better left unseen.
(Tom) Oh, that's grossl (Carrie) Uhl Rankl (Tom) Hasn't she got a nappy on?
CSl Chatsworth here wanted to inspect it.
Another feast for the eyes.
Well, you should get one on her before...
l haven't got a spare.
l was only popping down the shop.
We'll give you a hand putting it...
Don't bother.
Quicker if l do it myself.
Stay there, Katie.
Good girl.
l'm sorry about this.
We got a tip-off.
Get better information, then.
lt's fuckin' harassment.
She's soaked.
Oi, you dropped...
DOOR OPENS Oh, me babyl How is he?
Arrghl Eh, not even third-degree burns.
l've had worse off Swan Vestas.
Gotta keep this cream on, stop it blisterin'.
Because he's worth it.
Shut it, youl Have some consideration, Shane.
Wasn't me that threw a pan of pasta of sauce over him.
And what's that supposed to mean?
You calling me a bad mother?
Mimi.
''Mimi''l What?
He was havin' a go, weren't ya?
Wasn't he?l (Mandy) God's sake.
Fuckin' coppers.
Don't let them get to you.
Sitting there all morning.
She gets a rash, l'm makin' a complaint.
All rightl l'm on your side, remember?
l know.
Sorry.
Oh, shit.
ls this what you're lookin' for?
You must have dropped it on the floor when you stripped the buggy.
This is a private letter.
l didn't know it was important.
You lot searched me daughter and stuck fingers up my arse.
Think l was gonna run after you and deliver your mail?
l'm sorry.
You all right?
SOBBlNG She were only your birth mother.
Your real mum's the one who brought you up.
l was brought up in a care home, there is no real mum.
She was it.
You've been looking for her a long time?
Two years.
l was gonna start earlier, but everyone said, ''Wait till you're older, till you know your own mind.'' Now, she's fuckin' deadl You're not gonna give up?
Her children, they're your brothers and sisters.
Half.
Half-brothers and one sister.
Now apparently, l'm an ''unfortunate mistake from my mother's youth, ''and shouldn't tarnish her good name by forcing myself upon the family.'' They've had a shock.
Mother's not six weeks dead, and a son crawls out of the woodwork.
You could be a gold-digger, for all they know.
Thanks a bunch.
l'd better get back inside.
You can't go in like that.
Your eyes are all puffy.
Here.
How old was she when she had you?
1 7.
Good Catholic family, sent her off to lreland to have the baby, get it adopted, spare the family shame.
Did you know she was from the north-west?
ls that why you came over?
Hadn't a clue.
Believe me, it's a shock to think you're lrish, then find out it's English blood in your veins.
Chip on my shoulder's totally confusedl l just don't get it.
l mean, you're a mother.
How could you give away your own baby?
That's a bit of a bloke's attitude, if you don't mind me sayin'.
l was 15 when l fell pregnant with Katie.
Hardest thing l've ever done.
People say they'll support you, but they don't really.
Nappy-changing and buying vests, yeah.
But in the important stuff, in the dark hours, when you think you're the worst mum ever, you resent her cos she's changed everything, forced you to be old before your time, there's moments you'd flog her on eBay for the price of a bottle of cider.
So do you wish you hadn't had her?
Are you mental?
She's the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me.
The only beautiful thing that's ever happened to me.
How could l do that to me own baby?
You lost your temper, everybody does sometimes.
lt's like the deed's done before me brain's had time to process the thought.
Bothers me.
Then let's do something about it.
Nobody's allowed to bother my angel.
Not...even...you.
Done.
Listen, thanks for taking the time.
Had a gap in my schedule.
Besides, your eyes don't look like you've gone 12 rounds with Ricky Hatton now.
l'm really sorry l opened your letter.
Yeah, yeah.
Funny, but...well, l'm not.
l'll see you.
(lan) A copper?l Shh.
l felt sorry for him.
Seems like a nice bloke.
What is it with you and men in uniform?
Shut upl You gonna ask him out?
No..
How would that look, anyway?
A Maguire and a police officer off down the pictures?
You're finding excuses.
l feel as if me radar's broke...
after Lip, and then Dex.
l don't know what to think.
l don't wanna make an arse of meself.
Test the water, then.
How?
Well, you've got the world's best buffer in there.
Take her with.
Can't find me trou..
l Here.
Try them.
They look worse.
You can see the turn-up a mile offl Well, l'll iron them, then.
Why can't l wear them like they were before?
Because you can't, that's all.
There we go.
Are we poor?
What made you ask that?
Nothin'.
Just...
Some of the kids at school said.
We do all right.
We're not any poorer than anyone else, and it doesn't matter what other people say, OK?
l know.
Come on, Traceyl lt's just a datel All right, Carl?
Here he comes - the great unwashedl l need...
l need...advice.
lt's about...
sex.
Right, l'm seeing this girl, Tracey Kelvin, and she's dead experienced.
You've popped your cherry, though?
Course l have, but...
she knows stuff.
Loads of stuff.
You've had older women.
Didn't they teach you?
Yeah, but they always did stuff to me.
Tracey expects me to do stuff to her.
So you want me to teach you foreplay?
What's that?
(Man) 'l was so angry, l went out to the garage and snapped...
' (Woman) '..Every time l drink.
l've run out of excuses...
' (Man) '..A slag, to her face.
My P45 arrived...
' (Man) '..Full volume, day and night.
l threw his stereo out the window...
' < Mimi?
Do you have anything to share?
Well, there was the time l hit my husband with me shoe - a good six-inch heel.
He'd come in seven sheets to the wind every night that week, and the kids were only small.
l kept them on deliberate.
Stilettos, like...
So l took a knife and carved me initials into his back, ten inches high, while he was still tied up.
Next time one of my lads hit a ball into his garden, he handed it back double-quick, that's for sure.
lf you try taking a deep breath before you act...
Brian, l've tried everything.
l've tried counting to ten, l've tried saying a prayer to St Clare of Assisi.
l never get past three, and l always end up going to confession after.
There are other strategies.
Problem-solving, better communication, cognitive restructuring.
l'm not a hippyl l'm talking about empathising with people, putting yourself in their shoes.
l'll give you some materials that might help.
Haven't you got immigrant labour who do that for you?
Filling my day with meaningless tasksl Where you off to?
Just out for a walk.
So have you phoned them?
l don't see the point.
Well, see you, then.
Hey, waitl l'm due a break.
Do you want to go to the park?
l'll spring for the ice-cream.
All right.
lf you could have asked your mother one question, what would it be?
l couldn't ask her just one question.
lt would have to be a million, or none.
Like what?
Like...is there a history of heart attacks in the family?
Did she get the life she wanted after she gave me up?
Where did l get this nose?
You could probably sue for the nosel lt's just cruel to lumber a kid with thatl LAUGHS You've got to call them.
l don't think so.
Another lesson you learn in care - you can't make people accept you.
(Both) Wheeel What's for tea, Mum?
Home-made stew.
There's nowt here.
That's because you haven't made it yet.
(Carl) OK, what's my first lesson?
So what d'you normally do?
Shag 'em for as long as l can before...
Before, you know?
And that's it?
No, l give them a bit of a rub first.
l went six minutes, once - 324 pumps.
You don't, like...
build up to it, like, with her erogenous zones?
Tits and fanny, yeah.
This Tracey Kelvin better be worth itl SHOUTlNG AND CLATTERlNG (Mickey) Get off me, ya bastardl Get off mel lnl Nobody died.
lt would be irrational to get overly upset about a ruined dinner.
This is cognitive restructuring.
We could attempt to problem-solve the reasons why you two felt it necessary to batter the living shite out of one another.
What l think's required here is some positive reinforcement.
So...
Shane, tell your brother that you love him.
Fuck offl Tell your brother you love him.
MUMBLES lNDlSTlNCTLY You're not trying to poke a hole in a fence.
Like you're licking a Bartletts pear half.
MUMBLES What?
l said, how long have l gotta do it for?
My tongue's knackered.
A bit, like, softer.
(Man) l'm dying of thirst, herel l wish l could help him, that's all.
So help him.
Do something about it, get on his good side.
l can't, it's personal stuff.
l hardly even know him.
Yeah, all right.
Talk yourself out of it.
God forbid you should meet a bloke with a good job who's keen on youl l don't know that he's keen on me.
Yeah, fair point.
Cops are always taking me to the park for ice lolliesl Pint and two Es, Karen.
You look like a chicken who's just been told she's got to shit an eggl Here, you're a mother...
No, l'm not.
Well, yeah.
Well, you know, you've got all the raw materials, haven't you?
Do you have a...?
ls there a nesting instinct in you, makes you wanna kick everyone else out of the homestead, make room for your chicks?
Oh, has Monica got the sweats?
Oh, ''the sweats''?
The sweats?l ls that what you call it?
Grievous bodily harm in anyone else's language.
Well, you know what the answer is.
What's that?
Keep your pecker in your pants.
..So l said to Bill Roache - Ken Barlow, of course - l said, ''Billyl ''You want to know what side your bread's butteredl ''Tie them into a long-term contract.'' l said, ''So what if you're typecast, you'll have a steady income.
''Not many can say that.'' l'm knackered, mate.
lf there was a book entitled, All Men Know About Women, it'd be empty.
She's gone completely off at deep end.
She's made us hug each other.
Yeah, like we was poofsl l can see you getting in touch with your feminine sidel Your mother has depths you've never been exposed to.
Give her credit.
But, Dad...
l said, give her creditl Trust me, she'll be able to help you out.
Belle Carter?
Are you having a laugh?
She was an extra on Corrie for about ten minutes 30 years ago.
You'd think she was...fucking Hamlet at the Royal Shakespearel Get a better idea, have you?
Have you?
You said you wanted to help him, and now's your chance.
Go on, she's waitin'.
Go onl All right.
All right, Belle?
Drinks are on me.
Oohl That's very kind of you.
D'you know, you remind me a little of Pat Phoenix - Elsie Tanner, God rest her soul.
Course, she was a redhead.
''Never call me ginger,'' she once said to me.
Look, l've got a job for you.
l want you to pretend to be someone.
l'm trying to help a friend.
Righty-ho.
You get the drinks in, and tell Belle all about the role.
Oh, and gin, if you don't mind, this time.
Protein power diet.
Right.
SNlFFS What the fuck's that smell?
Lavender.
lt's soothin'.
Smells like the inside of a hooker's oxter.
You said you'd support me, Paddy.
l'm trying to mellow.
l...will, sweet pea, of course l'll support you.
Good.
l really think it's workin'.
l've got some potpourri drying in the kitchen.
Water?l Hey.
Yeah.
X-Factorl She says she's going home to get inside the skin of the character.
What, like Silence Of The Lambs?
l wouldn't put it past her.
She's loopy enough.
l'm meeting her tomorrow to give details.
All this to get inside some bizzy's boxersl Like that's gonna happenl You never know.
(Man) Pint, please, lan.
Yeah, mate.
So l won't give you the full bag, l'll give you a quarter.
Keep your head clear.
See if you can patch it up with that nice girl of yours.
Ta-ra.
What was all that about?
Young Felix is on the baccy morning, noon and night.
lt's ruining his relationship.
A bit less smoking would do them both the world of good.
Ohl Dad, what are you doing?
Oh...
Why does everybody in this house see it as their duty to physically abuse me?
Listen, Dad, l'm worried about Liam.
He thinks we're poor, and he's getting teased.
l am the one bearing the brunt, Deb.
l mean, nobody thinks about fathers, do they?
We're just supposed to keep shtoom and just get on with it, like Gary Cooper in High Noon.
What about me, Deb?
What about me?
Hello, love.
Look...
l think l made a mistake.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
lt's nothing personal, it's just...
pretending to be best mates with some dead woman you've never met is too much of an ask.
Ohl You'd have loved Patricia if you'd met her - everybody did.
What?
lt broke her heart giving that baby away.
But it was different days.
Her parents were religious.
You did what your father said or you were out.
Ne'er a day went by when she didn't slink off for a quiet cry about her lad growing up in lreland, nobody belonging to him.
Not that she looked for sympathy.
No, there was just a sadness there, a guilt, you could say, that she never quite shook off.
This is everything l can remember from the letter and stuff he said.
Right-oh.
Oh, um...cider and black, if you don't mind, love.
l skipped breakfast.
So?
She was...fucking brilliant.
Nearly believed her myself.
What did l tell you?
Pint of lager and two Es, and don't spare the horses.
MOBlLE RlNGS Hello?
Yeah, l can be there at 7.30.
l've just got an errand to run.
Everything all right?
OK, see you then.
< lt wasn't my fault.
WHlMPERS Since when do we invite junkies into our house for tea?
The lad's father ridiculed him all through his teens because of his acne.
l'm empathising, Patrick.
Be with you in a minute, girls.
Terry's almost done.
Are any of these spongers actually buying anything?
There's more to life than money, Patrick.
You have to nurture the soul.
The drugs are bad enough.
But now my own wife is trying to drive me into bankruptcyl l'll be back in a minute, love.
Keep projecting positive thoughts.
OK.
Why are you being so hostile?
Business is going down the shitter and you're turning our most reliable punters into a bunch of fucking tree huggersl l'm doling out help and advice alongside the gear.
lt's responsible selling.
lt's irresponsible, Mimil lt takes you a fucking hour to shift a couple of pillsl l'm a new woman.
l thought it's what everyone wanted.
lf you don't like it, then maybe we've got a problem.
(Terry) lt wasn't my fault.
(Mimi) l'm with you now.
OK?
< lt wasn't my fault.
lt's all right.
Deep breaths...
Come on, Frank, you've had enough.
He's only had two pints all afternoon.
He's just sleeping.
Don't get me wrong, l don't want a new fucking woman, l want the woman l married back.
Some junkie was helping her move furniture when l left.
Something about energy flow and feng chewie.
She's lost the fucking plot.
Don't talk about your mother like that.
You just said...
That's different, l'm her husband.
You're meant to worship her while she's here and canonise her once she's passed away.
That's how it works in lrish families.
l don't care how many herbal soaps she puts in the bathroom - my Mimi is in there somewhere.
We have to find a way to provoke a response that'll snap her out of this before it goes too far.
You look great.
Thank you, love.
l'll pretend l didn't notice the tone of surprise.
So, where is the boy wonder?
You said he'd be here at 7.30.
He promised.
Something must have come up.
Right, well, l'm going to powder my nose.
Do l have to stick strictly to the script?
Yeah.
G&T when you can, love.
Ohl Christl How long have l been here?
Six hours.
How many pints have l had?
That's just your second.
Oh, right, that's fucking itl She's on the sofa tonight, baby or no baby.
Who says we're poor?
She bought them out of her own savings.
> l don't want new trousersl Don't worry, they weren't expensive.
They probably came from a sweat shop in Asia, 10p a week, no toilet breaks until October.
Oil Don't be so ungratefull Sorry, Debs.
Thanks.
lt's OK, you don't need to thank me.
Right, l've got to go.
Off out again?
> l could cut my toenails in her bed.
She hates it when l do that.
Why the fuck would you be in my bed?
l could do an oil change in the living room.
She'd turn it into Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Fucking Cuddliness, put an incense stick in the oil and burn it.
You could wash her whites with her coloureds.
..Ruin all her undies.
l could hardly tell you where the washing machine is, let alone how to work it.
Karen doesn't make you do the laundry, does she?
Well, what's important to her?
She's more likely to go off her dinger about something that matters to her, in't she?
ln't she?
> Family.
Meaning you - her little baby.
What?
Shane, kick the shit out of your brother.
< Not nowl Pavlov's fucking dogl On the quiet.
Make it look like the Scots did it.
How come he gets to do me?
Unless you'd rather do it yourself.
And what good's that going to do?
To you, nothing, other than knowing you're giving her pleasure.
lt's like an investment for the future.
Tell me again about the ari...
The bit around the nipple.
l have a life, Carl.
l can't be your round-the-clock sex counsellor.
l wanna learn.
And you're really helping me.
lt's the areola.
lt's all these new words.
l'm never gonna remember 'em.
Unless you show me.
l'm a married woman.
l don't mean naked - with your clothes on.
(Paddy) The dates - when are they coming to Manchester?
The bit around here.
The dark bit.
You don't just want to plunge right in onto the nipple.
You wanna build up to it.
l know, but...erm...
Just describe what needs to be done again.
Later.
Come on.
Probably got a couscous salad waiting for us, or something.
l'm so sorry.
We've been here two hours.
l know, l'm sorry.
ls this who you wanted me to meet?
This is Belle.
She was a friend of your mother's.
What?
(Slurs) We were like sisters, me and Pat.
ln and out each other's houses.
How did you...?
l just put the feelers out.
Big lrish family, lots of cousins.
When...
How...did you know her?
l said to her only last week...
Last year.
Last year.
l said, ''You should trace that boy of yours.'' And she did, son, she started proceedings.
Her fondest wish to be re-nu-nited with you.
She just couldn't hold on long enough to see it through.
She said this last year?
Yup.
On a trip to Vegas.
What?
She'd always wanted to go there.
l performed there, of course, when l had the legs for it.
> She was star-struck, your mum - she wanted to see where Sinatra played, Caesars Palace, MGM Grand.
> Maybe we should stick closer to home.
lf you must.
What exactly do you want to know, son?
When did you last see my mother?
Couple of months ago.
At the bingo.
Gambling, see.
The Vegas connection again.
Hey, l tell you who liked to gamble - Johnny Briggs.
Mike Baldwin, of course.
l've just come from my mother's house.
What?
Really?
How is she?
l met with my half-brothers and sister.
Oh, that must have been nice.
My mother was in a coma for the last two years of her life after a brain haemorrhage.
lf she went to Vegas, it must have been a hell of a trip.
Who is this woman?
l was trying to help.
l...
l'd better go.
Did l get the part?
Tom, wait.
l'm sorry.
l was trying to help.
l thought if you could get some answers, even if they weren't the right ones, it might give you some peace.
lt's been a long day.
When l saw you crying the other day, l couldn't bear it.
Mandy...
l can't.
Why not?
lf it's because of my family, l'm not like them.
lt's just as hard for me that you're a copper.
No, l mean l can't.
l'm seeing someone.
l have been for a while.
What?
You never said.
l didn't think it was an issue.
l didn't know you felt...
Oh, my Godl Mandy...
My Godl My Godl Mandy, l'm sorryl DlSTANT SlREN WAlLS l felt horrible.
l didn't know what to say.
lf l was sending out the wrong signals, it wasn't intentional.
She was only trying to be kind.
lt's more than kindness.
She likes you, you halfwitl l know that now.
At the time...
You should have talked to me about your mum.
How could l?
We've got enough on our plate, don't you think?
l thought we agreed, no secrets.
lt wasn't a secret, l just thought...
All this sneaking around, coming here...
l can't even call you at home.
Have you any idea how patronising that sounds?
Does it?
lt's OK to sleep with me, tell me you love me, but don't worry my pretty little head with complex personal issues.
l didn't think about that, l didn't mean...
l know you didn't mean.
That's one of the reasons l love you.
Mandy.
l thought you had a shoo-in.
Mandy.
He's an idiot.
No, you're an idiot.
And l'm even more of one for listening to you.
lf your gaydar's as fucked up as your straight antenna, you'll be single a long time, lan.
< (Shane) Hurry up, will you?
< Or l'll come and do it for you.
She'll be back in a minute.
A black eye would have done it.
What a day.
l've acquired a family l didn't even know, even though they took a bit of persuading.
Nice people, though, once l sat down with them.
Debs.
We have to tell her.
We can't.
l know.
l know it's a massive risk, but...
l have to.
She's my sister-in-law, as good as.
Just wait till your birthday.
Have you any idea how she'll be feeling right now?
l can't lie to her.
lt wouldn't be fair.
l could go to jaill l don't want to jinx us by being unkind to someone.
Sweetheart, you all right?
Don't tell Debbiel Why?
What you doing?
l like looking...poor.
People underestimate you and then if you achieve something, it's a big deal.
A working-class hero's something to be, Mum.
Please don't tell Debbie.
> She wouldn't understand.
You could always burst a pen in your pocket.
Cos ink never washes out.
< Aw...
l Cheers.
How did you get on?
Dunno.
l'm not sure if she liked it.
How do you mean?
You know the finger up the arse thing?
l don't know if l timed it right.
You might have to talk me through it again.
Somebody's been out on the town.
He's had a date.
Oh, yeah?
Who with?
Tracey Kelvin.
l was just giving him a few tips.
Who's Tracey Kelvin?
< Oh, some vastly experienced teen sexual predator.
Who's a sexual predator?
What's it got to do with you?
l'm Tracey Kelvin.
What's he been saying?
Nothing.
l've not said nothing.
He said you knew stuff none of us had ever heard of.
Foreign stuff from your other lovers.
ls he calling me a slapper?
No.
Did you ride him or not?
Did l fuckl l won't let him go anywhere near me.
He's not even got his own car.
So why...?
lt were just a joke.
He was getting you to talk dirty.
What?l He was getting you to talk dirty so he could go home for a bit of DlY.
l showed him that thing you do with your tongue.
You little bastardl What thing with his tongue?
What's going on?
God Almightyl What happened?
The Jocks.
They caught up with him on the estate.
< He had no chance.
lt was a massacre.
What are you going to do?l Me?
Not a thing.
There's a new ethos in this house, and l won't be the one who rocks the boat.
Oil Sheep-shaggersl Get 'eml That's my girll What's so important?
You nearly woke Katie.
ls something wrong?
lt's me.
What is?
Tom.
l'm sorry he didn't tell you.
l wasn't sure myself what l thought.
No, you don't understand.
l mean, it's me.
l'm the someone he's seeing.
Don't be stupid.
You're only a kid.
But he's...
26.
And l'm nearly 16.
lt's illegal.
lt's disgustingl We love each other.
Oh, grow up.
How can you know what love is at your age?
How old were you when you got pregnant with Katie?
That was different.
We were both kids.
And love came after, out of necessity.
lsn't it better doing it this way round?
l'm not going to get pregnant.
l'm not naive.
What?
Cos you got two lessons in biology, you know what it's all about?
You're the one always telling me how grown-up l am.
> A 20-year-old head on 15-year-old shoulders.
l couldn't have been more wrong, could l?
You love him?
You've been reading too many magazines.
Look, l'm sorry he hurt you.
He didn't mean it.
Fuck off.
He didn't hurt me.
l'd had a couple of drinks, that's all.
Lost my head.
KNOCK AT DOOR What are you doing?
l couldn't let you do it on your own, could l?
Didn't know what you might be facing.
What if someone sees?
Well, then, so be it.
l didn't realise.
Stop apologising.
You're pathetic, the pair of you.
You won't say anything?
What am l gonna say?
A bloke gave me a body swerve cos he prefers children?
She's not a child.
She's not a woman.
We didn't do it lightly.
lt took a long time.
That's worse.
We'd like to keep it quiet...
l'll bet you would.
..till Debbie's birthday.
Please, Mandy.
l won't say anything.
But when it goes belly up, don't come running.
Look, things could get tricky.
Shh.
l'll talk to you in the morning.
(Liam) 'l don't think l'll bother growing up.
'All that aggro, and for what?
To be kicked out of your bed?
'Resented for growing a life inside you?
'The lies and the politics, 'sneaking around, 'opening yourself up to all sorts of hurt and pain.
'And for what?
Companionship?
'Someone to hold onto in bed at night?
'You can be your own company.
Hold on to yourself in bed.
'Carl does every night when he thinks l'm sleeping.
'ln the olden days, they used to give drugs to gymnasts from East Germany 'to keep them children for as long as possible.
'Wonder if l could get my hands on any of those.
' Course, it was my choice to move on from Corrie.
l'm more of an all-round entertainer, rather than just a one-trick pony.
l've done two cruises round the Shetland lsles.
Yeah.
Three seasons at Skegness.
Hey, hey, heyl Bobby Davro, eh?
Oh, he's a lovely man...