Programma Televisivo: Black Adder - 4x2
{482}{537}Ready, march!
{808}{938}Eyes...
right!
{1051}{1130}Eyes, right!
{1392}{1454}You'd like to book a table|for three by the window {1457}{1501}for 9:30 pm, {1505}{1549}not too near the band, {1553}{1663}in the name of Obel-Ointment Fungentula?
{1664}{1763}Yes, yes, I think you|might have the wrong number.
{1765}{1819}That's all right.
{1822}{1885}Another crossed line, eh, sir?
{1889}{1932}That phone system is a shambles, {1936}{1977}no wonder we haven't had any orders!
{1981}{2029}On the contrary, George,|we've had plenty of orders.
{2032}{2059}We have orders for six meters {2064}{2138}of Hungarian crushed velvet|curtain material, {2141}{2188}four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips, {2192}{2273}and a cab for a Mr.
Redgrave, {2275}{2366}picking up from 14 Arnost Grove,|Raintop Bell.
{2368}{2433}Rather!
We don't want those sort of orders, {2436}{2481}we want orders to deck old glory.
{2485}{2553}When are we going to give Fritz|a taste of our British spunk?
{2556}{2605}George, please.
{2609}{2677}No one is more anxious|to advance than I am, {2680}{2731}but until I get these|communication problems sorted out, {2735}{2758}I'm afraid we're stuck.
{2822}{2851}Captain Blackadder speaking.
{2856}{2967}No, I'm afraid the line's very cclllffffhhtttt!
{2968}{3027}Hello?|Hello, Captain Blackadder, hello?
{3139}{3190}{y:i}Schnell, schnell, die koppeltop {3193}{3291}I said there's a terrible line at my end.
{3293}{3384}You're to advance on the enemy at once.
{3386}{3487}Ppttttt...
{3520}{3616}{y:i}# A wandering minstrel eye in the...
# {3664}{3733}Gale Force Eight...
imminent.
{3736}{3786}I say, sir, what's the message?
{3789}{3842}I'm on tenterhooks, do tell!
{3846}{3879}Well, as far as I can tell,|the message was, {3883}{3938}he's got a terrible lion up his end, {3942}{4007}so there's an advantage|to an enema at once.
{4010}{4045}Damn!
{4049}{4091}Message from HQ, sir.
{4095}{4127}Ah, now, this'll be it.
{4132}{4172}A telegram ordering an advance!
{4176}{4221}Hmm, yes, I'm afraid not, George.
{4225}{4270}It "is" a telegram,|it "is" ordering an advance, {4274}{4344}but it seems to be addressed to someone|called 'Catpain Blackudder'.
{4347}{4408}Do you know|a Catpain Blackudder, George?
{4411}{4483}Well, it rings a bell, but I...
no.
{4486}{4551}- Nope, me neither.|- Oh, well.
{4554}{4627}Anyway, George, I'm sure|if they want to contact us, they'll find a way.
{4630}{4709}Pigeons, sir!|There's a pigeon in our trench!
{4711}{4749}Ah, now, this'll be it!
{4754}{4837}Yes, it's one of the King's carrier pigeons.
{4839}{4930}No, it isn't, that pigeon|couldn't carry the King!
{4932}{4976}Hasn't got a tray or anything.
{4980}{5021}Lieutenant, revolver, please.
{5025}{5094}Oh now, sir, you really|shouldn't do this, you know!
{5097}{5153}Come on, George,|with 50,000 men getting killed a week, {5157}{5242}who's going to miss a pigeon?
{5290}{5376}Well, not you, obviously, sir.
{5378}{5458}In any case, it's scarcely|a court-martial offence.
{5461}{5507}Get plucking, Baldrick.
{5511}{5537}All right, sir.
{5541}{5604}Look, it's got a little ring 'round its leg, {5608}{5629}there's a novelty!
{5634}{5673}Oh, really, is there a paper hat, as well?
{5677}{5771}No, but there's a joke.|Read it out, sir.
{5773}{5817}It's a bit charred.
{5821}{5865}Something-something at once...
{5869}{5932}P.S., due to communication crisis, {5935}{6043}the shooting of carrier pigeons|is now a court-martial offence.
{6044}{6115}I don't see what's funny about that, sir.
{6118}{6201}It's not funny, it's deadly serious.|We're in trouble.
{6204}{6284}So I shall eat the evidence for lunch, {6286}{6343}and if anyone asks you any questions at all, {6346}{6385}we didn't receive any messages {6390}{6527}and we definitely did not|shoot this plump-breasted pigeon.
{6530}{6594}Umm...
delicious.
{6597}{6642}Aye!
Blackadder!
{6646}{6686}Darling: Attention!
{6690}{6737}And why, Captain, are you not advancing {6741}{6762}across No Man's Land?
{6767}{6816}Well, sir, call me|a bluffo traditionalist, {6820}{6857}but I was always taught to wait {6861}{6898}for the order to attack before attacking.
{6902}{6967}Are you trying to tell me you|haven't received any orders?
{6970}{7025}What the hell are you|playing at, Darling?
{7029}{7048}That's a blatant lie, sir.
{7053}{7111}I spoke to Blackadder|less than an hour ago.
{7114}{7147}Yes, you did.
{7152}{7236}To tell me some gobbledygook|about having a lion up your bottom.
{7238}{7307}Hmm, as I thought...
it's the old|communications problem again.
{7310}{7335}Stand easy.
{7340}{7402}Action on this is imperative.|Take that down, Darling.
{7405}{7482}Also, make a note|of the word gobbledygook.
{7484}{7508}I like it.
{7513}{7555}I want to use it more often in conversation.
{7559}{7622}I must say, sir,|I find this all very unlikely.
{7626}{7670}Not only did I telephone Blackadder, {7674}{7740}but as you'll recall, we sent him a telegram|and a carrier pigeon.
{7743}{7782}Did you?
{7786}{7898}Are you telling us you haven't|had a pigeon, Blackadder?
{7907}{7961}Um...
Ahh...
{7964}{8001}Come on man, you must have done!
{8006}{8079}I sent our top bird...
Speckled Jim.
{8081}{8165}My own true love, who's been with me|since I was a nipper!
{8168}{8268}To business.
I'm giving you|your order to advance now.
{8269}{8313}Synchronize watches, gentlemen.
{8317}{8360}Private, what is the time?
{8364}{8404}We didn't receive any messages, {8409}{8446}and Captain Blackadder definitely did not {8450}{8574}shoot this delicious|plump-breasted pigeon, sir.
{8569}{8612}What!??
{8616}{8695}You want to be cremated,|Baldrick, or buried at sea?
{8697}{8759}Umm...
{8764}{8794}- Ah, Lieutenant?|- Sir.
{8798}{8843}Do you mind answering|a couple of questions?
{8847}{8881}Not at all, sir.
{8885}{8921}We didn't get any messages, {8926}{8961}and Captain Blackadder|definitely did not shoot {8965}{9011}this delicious plump-breasted pigeon.
{9015}{9050}Thanks, George.
{9054}{9132}And look, sir, pigeon feathers...|"white" feathers.
{9135}{9177}Very apt, eh, Blackadder?
{9181}{9208}White feathers?
{9213}{9286}Oh no, sir, that's gobbleyjook!
{9288}{9326}They're not white, {9331}{9358}they're sort of speckly!
{9362}{9398}Speckly?!
{9403}{9437}Aahhhhhhhh!
{9441}{9506}You shot my Speckled Jim??!!
{9509}{9559}You're for it now, Blackadder.
{9563}{9612}Quite frankly, sir, I've suspected this|for some time.
{9616}{9677}Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder|has been disobeying orders {9680}{9710}with a breathtaking impertinence.
{9714}{9781}I don't care if he's been|rogering the Duke of York {9784}{9832}with a prize-winning leek!
{9836}{9891}He shot my pigeon!!!
{9895}{9944}Aaahh-ahhhh-ooohhhh!
{9948}{9978}Take it easy, sir.
{9982}{10026}I think we should do this|by the book, sir.
{10030}{10115}Yes, yes, you're right, of course.|I'm sorry.
{10117}{10187}Attention!
{10187}{10252}Captain Blackadder, as of this moment {10256}{10318}you may consider yourself under arrest.
{10321}{10395}You know what the penalty is for|disobeying orders, Blackadder?
{10398}{10445}Umm...
court-martial, {10448}{10518}followed by immediate cessation|of chocolate rations?
{10521}{10554}No.
{10559}{10637}Court-martial followed by immediate death|by firing squad.
{10639}{10754}Oh, so I got it half right.
{10769}{10823}All saddled in and happy,|are we then, sir?
{10827}{10869}Reining all our last goodbyes?
{10873}{10913}Oh, no need for that, Perkins, {10917}{10956}I've just dashed off a couple of notes, {10960}{11038}one asking for a sponge bag,|and the other sending for my lawyer.
{11041}{11072}Oh, your lawyer, yes.
{11076}{11139}Don't you think that might be|a bit of a waste of money, sir?
{11142}{11232}Not when he's the finest mind|in English legal history.
{11234}{11269}Ever heard of Bob Massingbird?
{11274}{11338}Oh, yes indeed, sir!|A most gifted gentleman!
{11341}{11411}Quite.
I remember Massingbird's|most famous case, {11414}{11463}the Case of the Bloody Knife.
{11467}{11522}A man was found next to a murdered body, {11525}{11560}he had the knife in his hand, {11564}{11624}thirteen witnesses had|seen him stab the victim, {11628}{11669}and when the police arrived he said, {11673}{11745}"I'm glad I killed the bastard."
{11748}{11786}Massingbird not only got him off, {11790}{11862}he got him knighted|in the New Year's honours list, {11865}{11887}and the relatives of the victim {11892}{11950}had to pay to have the blood|washed out of his jacket.
{11953}{12006}And he's a dab hand|at the prosecution, as well, sir.
{12010}{12048}Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
{12052}{12097}Oh, butch Oscar.
{12101}{12179}Exactly...
big, bearded,|bonking, butch Oscar, {12181}{12214}the terror of the ladies.
{12219}{12310}114 illegitimate children,|world heavyweight boxing champion, {12312}{12365}and author of the best-selling pamphlet, {12368}{12440}{y:i}Why I Like To Do It With Girls...
{12443}{12556}and Massingbird had him sent down|for being a whoopsie.
{12611}{12634}Ah, Baldrick.
{12639}{12674}- Anything from Mattingburg yet?|- Yes, sir.
{12678}{12713}It just arrived, sir.
{12718}{12807}- What is it?|- Sponge bag, sir.
{12809}{12852}- A sponge bag?|- Yes, sir.
{12856}{12898}Baldrick, I gave you two notes.
{12902}{12985}You sent the note asking for a sponge bag {12987}{13054}to the finest mind in English legal history.
{13057}{13086}Certainly did, sir!
{13091}{13170}And you sent the note requesting|legal representation to...
?
{13173}{13297}Well, tally-ho, with a bing and a bong|and a buzz-buzz-buzz!
{13297}{13326}Oh, God {13331}{13375}I'll tell you first of all, sir, {13379}{13420}that I am deeply, deeply honoured.
{13424}{13454}Baldrick, I'll deal with you later.
{13459}{13523}Am I to understand that|you are going to represent me {13526}{13559}at the court-martial?
{13563}{13608}Absolutely, sir.|It's a sort of family tradition.
{13612}{13645}My uncle's a lawyer, you know.
{13649}{13673}Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.
{13678}{13700}Oh, good Lord, no.
{13705}{13765}I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing.
{13768}{13831}In the school debating society, {13835}{13868}I was voted the boy least likely {13872}{13927}to complete a coherent...
um...
{13931}{13993}Sentence?
{13996}{14022}That's it, yes.
{14027}{14062}But anyway, my dear old friend, {14066}{14094}it's an honor to serve.
{14099}{14143}George, I'm in deep trouble here.
{14146}{14171}I need to construct a case {14176}{14239}that's as watertight as|a mermaid's brassiere.
{14242}{14307}I'm not sure your particular|brand of mindless optimism {14311}{14371}is going to contribute much|to the proceedings.
{14374}{14424}That's a shame, sir, because I was planning {14428}{14481}on playing the mindless optimism card|very strongly during your trial.
{14484}{14517}I beg your pardon?
{14522}{14550}Yes, I've already {14554}{14598}planned my closing address|based on that very theme.
{14602}{14653}{y:i}Oh, go on, let him off,|{y:i}your Honour, please!
{14657}{14694}{y:i}After all, it's a lovely day.
{14698}{14737}{y:i}Pretty clouds, trees, birds, et cetera.
{14741}{14774}{y:i}I rest my case.
{14779}{14864}So, Counsel, with that|summing up in mind, {14866}{14908}what do you think my chances are?
{14912}{14940}Well, not all that good, I'm afraid, {14945}{15051}as far as I can tell, you're as guilty|as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.
{15052}{15145}Charming.
{15163}{15223}Crikey!
So sorry I'm late, my love.
{15226}{15306}But anyway, let me|open my defence straightaway {15308}{15366}by saying that I've|known this man for three years, {15370}{15410}he's an absolutely corking chap...
{15414}{15452}- George?|- Yes, sir?
{15456}{15535}- That's the clerk of the court.|- Is it?
Oh!
{15538}{15621}We haven't started yet.
{15664}{15737}- Good luck, Blackadder.|- Well, thank you, Darling.
{15739}{15827}And what's your big job here today?
{15830}{15868}Straightening chairs?
{15872}{15956}No, in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution.
{15958}{15989}I wouldn't raise your hopes too much.
{15994}{16039}You're guilty as hell,|you haven't got a chance.
{16043}{16077}Why, thank you, Darling.
{16081}{16199}And I hope your mother dies|in a freak yachting accident.
{16221}{16253}Just doing my job, Blackadder.
{16257}{16390}Obeying orders, and, of course,|having enormous fun into the bargain.
{16391}{16438}I wouldn't be too confident if I were you.
{16442}{16519}Any reasonably impartial judge|is bound to let me off.
{16521}{16553}Well, absolutely.
{16558}{16595}Who is the judge, by the way?
{16599}{16620}Bailiff!
{16625}{16674}I'm dead.
{16678}{16725}Well, come on, then.
Come on.
{16729}{16757}We'll get this over in five minutes, {16761}{16805}and then we can have a spot of lunch.
{16809}{16874}Right...
oohh...
ahhh.
{16877}{16915}The court is now in session, {16920}{16982}General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmenay|Melchett in the chair.
{16985}{17110}The case before us Is that of the Crown|vs.
Captain Edmund Blackadder...
{17110}{17210}the Flanders pigeon murderer!
{17228}{17343}Oh, clerk, hand me the black cap,|I'll be needing that.
{17345}{17406}I love a fair trial.
{17409}{17478}Anything to say before|we kick off, Captain Darling?
{17481}{17500}May it please the court.
{17505}{17549}As this is clearly an open and shut case, {17553}{17623}I beg leave to bring a private prosecution|against the defence counsel {17626}{17657}for wasting the court's time.
{17661}{17767}Granted.
The defence counsel is fined|fifty pounds for turning up.
{17769}{17860}This is fun!
This is just like a real court!
{17862}{17909}All right!
Let the trial begin!
{17913}{17944}The charge before us {17948}{18050}is that the Flanders pigeon murderer...|did deliberately, {18052}{18137}callously, and with beastliness|of forethought {18139}{18241}murder a lovely, innocent pigeon!
{18243}{18311}And disobeyed some orders as well.
{18314}{18336}Is this true?
{18341}{18440}Perfectly true, sir!|I was there.
{18468}{18497}Thanks, George.
{18502}{18548}Oh, damn!
{18552}{18605}Right.
Counsel for the defence,|get on with it.
{18608}{18637}Oh, right, yes, right.
{18642}{18714}Um, yes.
I'd like to call my first witness, {18717}{18748}Captain Darling.
{18752}{18833}You wish to call the counsel|for the prosecution {18836}{18868}as a defence witness?
{18872}{18894}That's right.
{18899}{18944}Don't worry, sir, I've got it all under control.
{18948}{19062}Ahem.
You are Captain Darling|of the general staff?
{19063}{19135}I am.
{19138}{19220}Captain, leaving aside|the incident in question, {19222}{19276}would you think of Captain Blackadder|as the sort of man {19280}{19323}who would usually ignore orders?
{19327}{19411}Yes, I would.
{19413}{19485}Ah, um.
You sure?
{19488}{19548}I was rather banking on|you saying "no" there.
{19552}{19588}I'm sure.
{19592}{19673}In fact, I have a list of|other orders he's disobeyed, {19675}{19706}if it would be useful.
{19711}{19731}Mm-hmm.
{19736}{19863}May 16th, 9:15 am,|10:23 am, 10:24 am, {19863}{19909}11:17 am...
{19913}{19947}You missed one out there.
{19952}{20023}...10:30 am...
thank you...
11:46 am...
{20026}{20063}- George!|- Oh, oh, ye-ye...
right.
{20067}{20091}Thank you, Captain.
{20096}{20138}No further questions.
{20142}{20176}Well done, George.
{20180}{20220}You really had him on the ropes.
{20224}{20257}Don't worry, old man.
{20262}{20321}I have a last and, I think|you'll find, decisive witness.
{20324}{20372}Call Private Baldrick.
{20376}{20450}Call Private Baldrick.
{20495}{20577}Deny everything, Baldrick.
{20624}{20669}Are you Private Baldrick?
{20673}{20743}No!
{20767}{20857}Um, but you are|Captain Blackadder's batman?
{20859}{20925}No!
{20943}{21004}Come on, Baldrick.,|be a bit more helpful, it's me!
{21007}{21041}No, it isn't!
{21045}{21078}Sir, I must protest!
{21083}{21108}Quite right!
{21113}{21186}We don't need your kind here, Private.|Get out.
{21188}{21218}Now, George, sum up, please.
{21223}{21308}Oh, right, yes, uhhhh...
{21337}{21379}Ah, gentlemen, {21383}{21446}you have heard all the evidence|presented before you today, {21449}{21501}but in the end, it is up to the conscience {21505}{21538}of your hearts to decide.
{21543}{21576}And I firmly believe, that, like me, {21580}{21614}you will conclude that Captain Blackadder {21618}{21771}is in fact, totally and utterly...
guilty.
{21862}{21954}...of nothing more...
{21966}{22061}...than trying to do his duty|under difficult circumstances.
{22063}{22121}Nonsense!
He's a hound and a rutter,|and he's going to be shot!
{22124}{22172}However, before we proceed {22176}{22217}to the formality of sentencing|the deceased...
{22221}{22286}I mean the defendant...
{22359}{22448}I think we'd all rather enjoy|hearing the case of the prosecution.
{22450}{22477}Captain Darling, if you please.
{22482}{22520}Sir, my case is very simple.
{22524}{22555}I call my first witness, {22560}{22623}General Sir Anthony|Cecil Hogmaney Melchett.
{22626}{22701}Ah!
Umm!
{22698}{22774}Clever.
Clever!
{22776}{22852}General, did you own a lovely, {22855}{22923}plump, speckily pigeon {22926}{22992}called Speckled Jim, {22995}{23046}which you hand-reared from a chick {23050}{23090}and which was your|only childhood friend?
{23094}{23131}Yes!
{23135}{23161}Yes, I did.
{23166}{23210}And did Captain Blackadder|shoot the aforementioned pigeon?
{23214}{23233}Yes, he did!
{23238}{23282}Can you see Captain Blackadder {23286}{23340}anywhere in this courtroom?!
{23344}{23371}That's him!!!
{23375}{23402}That's the man!!
Ahhhh!!!
{23407}{23449}No more questions, sir.
{23453}{23486}Splendid, excellent, first-class.
{23490}{23521}Clear the way, man.
{23526}{23642}I therefore have absolutely no hesitation {23643}{23758}in announcing that|the sentence of this court is that you, {23759}{23779}Captain Edmund Blackadder, {23784}{23829}be taken from this place and suffer death {23833}{23907}by shooting tomorrow at dawn.
{23910}{23991}Do you have anything to say?
{24005}{24111}Yes, could I have an alarm call, please?
{24106}{24150}Chap here to see the captain.
{24154}{24193}What does he look like?
{24198}{24223}Short, ugly...
{24227}{24255}Hello, Baldrick.
{24260}{24339}I brought you some food, sir, {24341}{24418}for your final breakfast tomorrow.
{24421}{24493}Ah, so you're not pinning much hope|on a last-minute reprieve, then.
{24496}{24575}No sir, you are as dead|as some doo-doos.
{24578}{24644}The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo"...
{24647}{24686}{y:i}Dead as a dodo.
{24690}{24793}Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I?
{24800}{24838}Do not despair, sir.
{24842}{24914}All my talk of food was just a dead herring.
{24917}{25011}In fact, I have a cunning plan.
{25013}{25104}This is not food, but an escape kit.
{25106}{25126}Good Lord!
{25131}{25194}With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, {25197}{25249}a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, {25253}{25313}and a huge false moustache,|I may just stand a chance.
{25316}{25344}Ah.
{25349}{25406}Let's see, what have we here?
{25409}{25473}A small painted wooden duck.
{25477}{25549}Yeah, I thought if you|get caught near water, {25551}{25630}you can balance it|on the top of your head {25633}{25702}as a brilliant disguise.
{25705}{25735}Yeeeesss.
{25740}{25793}I would, of course, have to escape first.
{25796}{25819}Ah, but what's this?
{25824}{25876}Unless I'm much mistaken,|a hammer and a chisel.
{25880}{25909}You are much mistaken!
{25913}{25985}A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
{25988}{26091}Yes, a pencil so you can drop me a postcard {26093}{26151}to tell me how the break-out went, {26154}{26198}and a small little tiny miniature trumpet {26202}{26246}in case, during your escape, {26250}{26330}you have to win favour with a difficult child.
{26332}{26415}Baldrick, I don't want|to spend my last precious hours {26418}{26505}rummaging through this feeble collection|of stocking-fillers.
{26507}{26556}Let me ask you some simple questions: {26560}{26612}Is there a saw in this bag?|- No.
{26616}{26647}- A hammer?|- No.
{26651}{26678}- A chisel?|- No.
{26683}{26704}- A gun?|- No.
{26709}{26736}A false passport?
{26740}{26761}No.
{26766}{26804}A change of clothes?
{26808}{26876}Yes sir, of course, I wouldn't|forget a change of clothes.
{26879}{26988}Ah, well, that's something.|Let's see...
{26995}{27053}A Robin Hood costume.
{27056}{27150}Yeah, I put in a|French peasant's outfit first, {27152}{27198}But then I thought,|what if you arrive in {27202}{27232}in a French peasant's village {27236}{27288}and they're in the middle|of a fancy dress party?
' {27292}{27361}And what if I arrive in|a French peasant village, {27364}{27403}dressed in a Robin Hood costume {27407}{27462}and there "isn't" a fancy dress party?
{27466}{27501}Well, to be quite frank sir, {27505}{27552}I didn't consider that eventuality, {27556}{27620}because if you did,|you'd stick out like a...
{27623}{27651}Like a man standing in a lake {27656}{27721}with a small painted wooden|duck on his head?
{27724}{27743}Exactly!
{27748}{27791}Excuse me, sir.
{27795}{27846}All right, um, thank you, Baldrick, {27850}{27923}we'll finish this picnic later.
{27925}{28002}Yum yum!
{28011}{28053}Do you mind if I disturb you|for a moment, sir?
{28057}{28084}No, no, not at all.
{28088}{28134}My diary's pretty empty this week.
{28138}{28203}Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot...
{28206}{28247}Yes, that's about it, actually.
{28252}{28306}It's just there's a few chaps out here {28309}{28335}would like a bit of a chinwag.
{28340}{28382}Oh, lovely.
Always keen to meet new people.
{28386}{28411}Corporal Jones, {28416}{28481}and Privates Frazier,|Robinson, and Tipperwick.
{28484}{28518}Hello.
{28522}{28649}Well, nice of you to drop by.
{28686}{28764}And what do you do?
{28765}{28847}We're your firing squad, sir.
{28918}{28965}Of course you are.
{28969}{29017}- Good sized chest.|- Shut up, lad.
{29021}{29069}You see, us firing squads|are a bit like tax men, sir, {29073}{29101}everyone hates us, {29106}{29160}but we're just doin'|our job, ain't we, lads?
{29163}{29206}My heart bleeds for you.
{29210}{29306}Well, sir, we aim to please.
{29310}{29399}Just a little firing squad joke there, sir!
{29401}{29454}You see, sir, {29458}{29537}we take pride in the terminatory|service we supply.
{29539}{29640}So, is there any particular area|you'd like us to go for, hmm?
{29642}{29684}We can aim anywhere.
{29688}{29710}Well, in that case, {29715}{29749}just above my head might be a good spot.
{29787}{29844}You see, a laugh and a smile, {29847}{29889}and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem {29893}{29941}quite so bad after all, does it, sir?
{29945}{29995}No, it's a lovely roomy forehead.
{29999}{30050}A good pulse and jugular there as well.
{30054}{30099}Look, I'm sorry,|I know you mean to be friendly, {30102}{30192}but I hope you won't|take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.
{30195}{30247}No, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough, {30250}{30286}'course not, sir.
{30291}{30347}No one likes being shot first thing|in the morning, do they?
{30350}{30415}So, look forward|to seeing you tomorrow, sir.
{30418}{30460}You'll have a blindfold on of course, {30464}{30502}but you'll recognize me.
{30506}{30551}I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire! "
{30555}{30599}Could I ask you to leave a pause {30603}{30677}between the word "aim" and the word "fire"?
{30680}{30718}Thirty or forty years, perhaps?
{30770}{30839}Ah, wish I could pause, sir,|I really wish I could, {30842}{30911}but I can't, you see,|'cos I'm a gabbler, you see.
{30914}{30937}Ready-aim-fire!
{30942}{31007}No style, no finesse...
{31010}{31116}But it gets the job done, don't it, lads?|Come on, lads.
{31118}{31193}Whoever gets closest to the mole|gets to keep his gold teeth.
{31195}{31275}- Good night, sir.|- Sleep well, sir.
{31278}{31312}Perfect!
{31316}{31370}I wonder if anything on earth|could depress me more?
{31374}{31400}Excuse me, sir?
{31405}{31442}Of course it could.
{31446}{31528}I forgot to give you this letter|from Lieutenant George, sir.
{31530}{31582}Ahh!
Oh, joy!
{31586}{31666}What wise words from the world's|greatest defence counsel?
{31668}{31703}{y:i}Dear Mother...
{31708}{31775}Hmm, unusual start.
{31778}{31821}{y:i}Thanks for the case of Scotch.
{31825}{31859}You've excelled yourself, Baldrick.
{31863}{31910}You've brought the wrong letter again.
{31914}{31954}Ohh yeah, he did write two.
{31958}{32017}Yes, his mother's about to get a note {32021}{32087}telling her he's sorry|she's going to be shot in the morning, {32090}{32151}while I have to read this drivel.
{32154}{32227}{y:i}Hope Celia thrives|{y:i}in the pony club trials, {32230}{32303}and that "little Freddy scores a century|for the first eleven".
{32306}{32355}You can't deny, it's a riveting read.
{32358}{32410}Uhhh, "Send my love to Uncle Rupert, {32414}{32476}{y:i}who'd have thought it,|{y:i}mad Uncle Rupert, Minister of War {32479}{32590}{y:i}with power of life and death|{y:i}over every bally soldier in the army.
{32591}{32681}Hang on a minute...
This is it!
{32684}{32734}All George has to do|is send him a telegram {32737}{32756}and he'll get me off.
{32761}{32797}Baldrick, I love you!
{32802}{32875}I want to kiss your cherry lips {32877}{32934}and nibble your shell-like ears!
{32938}{33012}I'm freeeee!
{33069}{33117}I'm useless, useless!
{33121}{33140}Sir, sir!
{33145}{33188}Hello Private, how's the captain?
{33192}{33236}He's absolutely fine, sir, but...
{33240}{33285}You're just trying to cheer me up.|I know the truth.
{33289}{33360}He hates me because I completely|arsed up his defence.
{33363}{33384}Yes, I know, sir...
{33389}{33416}Because I'm thick, you see.
{33421}{33458}I'm as thick as the big-print version {33462}{33522}of the complete works of Charles Dickens.
{33525}{33587}If only I could've saved him.
If only!
{33590}{33619}But you can, sir.
{33624}{33644}What, how?
{33649}{33686}You send a telegram.
{33690}{33746}Of course!
I send a telegram!
{33750}{33781}Yeah!
{33785}{33851}- Who to?|- To the person in the letter.
{33854}{33901}- What letter?|- To your mother.
{33905}{33932}I send a telegram to my mother?!
{33937}{33971}- No!|- No!
{33975}{34016}You send a telegram to|the person in the letter to your mother.
{34020}{34052}Who was in the letter to my mother?
{34057}{34085}I can't remember!
{34089}{34125}- Well, think, think!|- No, "you" think think!
{34130}{34209}Celia, of course!|The pony club trials...
yes!
{34211}{34282}Celia could leap over the walls|of the prison and save him!
{34285}{34307}No, no!
{34312}{34350}No, no, um...
cricket!
{34354}{34410}Yes, I've got|Cousin Freddie, of course.
{34414}{34468}He could knock out|the firing squad with his cricket bat!
{34471}{34499}No, there's someone else!
{34504}{34532}- Well, who?!|- I don't know!
{34536}{34575}- Well, neither do I!|- Well, think, think!
{34580}{34661}- "You think," sir!|- I'm stuck!
{34697}{34756}- No, it hasn't helped.|- Yes it has, sir.
{34759}{34843}Your Uncle Rupert who's|just been made Minister of War.
{34845}{34867}Of course!
{34872}{34916}Uncle Rupert's just been made|the Minister of War!
{34920}{34974}Baldrick, I'll, I'll send him a telegram {34978}{35006}and he'll pull strings and scratch backs {35010}{35098}and fiddle with knobs,|and get the captain off!
{35101}{35132}Hurray!
{35136}{35184}Well, I got there in the end, eh Baldrick?
{35188}{35216}Oh, just about, sir.
{35221}{35269}I think this calls for a celebration, don't you?
{35272}{35324}What about a tot of|Old Morehen's Shredded Sporum, {35328}{35372}which Mummsy's just sent over?
{35376}{35420}I think a toast, don't you, {35424}{35493}to Captain Blackadder and freedom!
{35496}{35558}Captain Blackadder and freedom, sir.
{35588}{35633}- 'Morning.|- 'Morning, sir.
{35637}{35752}I must say, Captain,|I've got to admire your balls.
{35815}{35887}Perhaps later.
{35889}{35948}So boys, how are you doing?
{35952}{35978}Very well, good.
{35982}{36060}- Robinson, good to see you.|- Good to see you, too, sir.
{36063}{36111}Ah, Corporal, how's the voice?
{36115}{36127}Excellent, sir.
{36132}{36146}Ready-aim-fire!
{36151}{36237}Wait for it, "wait" for it.
{36240}{36296}So the phone's on the hook,|isn't it, Perkins?
{36299}{36321}Oh yes, sir.
{36326}{36355}So, where do you want me?
{36360}{36423}Well, up against the wall is traditional, sir.
{36426}{36484}Of course it is.
{36487}{36532}Ah, this side or the other side?
{36570}{36656}No messengers waiting, Perkins?
{36658}{36694}Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.
{36698}{36726}Fair enough, fair enough.
{36731}{36807}All right, lads, line up.
{36814}{36835}Yes, ahh...
{36840}{36893}Now, look, I think there's a bit|of a misunderstanding, {36897}{36945}you see, I was expecting a telegram.
{36949}{36972}Attention!
{36977}{37000}An important one, actually.
{37004}{37036}Take aim!
{37041}{37071}Stop!
{37075}{37110}I think that's what they call|'The nick of time'.
{37115}{37153}Message for you, Captain.
{37157}{37199}Of course it is.
Read it, please.
{37203}{37252}{y:i}Here's looking at you.
{37256}{37383}{y:i}Love from all the boys in the firing squad.
{37387}{37451}You soft bastards, you!
{37454}{37532}I saw the card, I couldn't resist it.
{37535}{37563}How thoughtful!
{37568}{37597}Attention!
{37601}{37652}Now, look, something has gone|spectacularly, badly wrong.
{37656}{37674}Take aim!
{37679}{37707}Baldrick, you're mincemeat!
{37712}{37726}Corporal: f...
{37731}{37800}Oh, my head!
{37803}{37854}Oh, my head!
{37857}{37983}Feels like the time I was initiated|into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge.
{37984}{38011}I misheard the rules {38016}{38082}and pushed a whole oberjing|into my earhole.
{38085}{38172}Permission to die, sir.
{38174}{38227}Bu-bu-bu-what started this drinking?
{38231}{38275}Oh, yes, well, we were celebrating {38279}{38368}getting Captain Blackadder off|scot-f-f-f-free.
{38370}{38444}Oh, my sainted trousers, we forgot!
{38447}{38481}Oh, whoops.
{38485}{38506}Oh, no!
{38511}{38567}Now he's dead, you see.|He's dead dead dead, {38570}{38646}because we're a pair of|selfish so-and-so's!
{38649}{38684}Oh, God, if I had a rope, {38688}{38741}I'd put it around my neck|and bally-well hang myself {38745}{38778}until it "really" hurt.
{38782}{38846}Hi, George.|'Morning, Baldrick.
{38850}{38936}Still the striking resemblance|to guppies fish at feeding time.
{38938}{39020}Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.
{39022}{39073}Oh, excellent!
{39077}{39158}Ah, so you've got the Scotch out, anyway?
{39160}{39203}Oh, well, well, of course, sir, {39207}{39277}We wanted to lay on a bit of a bash for|your safe return.
{39280}{39305}Ah...
here you go.
{39310}{39404}There was a second telegram|that arrived actually, George, {39406}{39455}addressed to you personally|by your uncle.
{39459}{39503}Oh, thank you, I...
{39507}{39561}{y:i}George, my boy, {39564}{39613}{y:i}outraged to read in dispatches {39617}{39681}{y:i}of how that ass Melchett|{y:i}made such a pigs-ear {39684}{39736}{y:i}of your chum Blackadder's court-martial.
{39740}{39786}{y:i}Have reversed the decision forthwith.
{39790}{39922}{y:i}Surprised you didn't ask me|{y:i}to do it yourself, actually.
{39922}{39976}Now this is interesting, isn't it?
{39980}{40044}Uh, uh, yes, well,|you see, sir, the thing is...
{40047}{40085}You two got whammed|last night, didn't you?
{40089}{40146}Well, well, no, not "whammed" exactly.
{40150}{40188}A little tiddly, perhaps.
{40192}{40232}And you forgot the telegram to your uncle!
{40236}{40274}Well, n-n-n-no, {40278}{40314}not, not, completely,|I mean, um, partially...
{40319}{40387}Umm...
well...
Yes, yes, entirely.
{40390}{40462}I think I can explain, sir.
{40464}{40535}Can you, Baldrick?
{40533}{40566}No.
{40571}{40608}As I suspected.
{40612}{40671}Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know, {40675}{40747}but henceforth, I shall nightly pray to the God {40749}{40793}that killed Cain and squashed Samson, {40797}{40830}that he comes out of retirement {40835}{40884}and gets back into practice|on the pair of you!
{40917}{40956}Captain Blackadder.
{40960}{40993}Ah, Captain Darling.
{40998}{41082}Well, you know, some of us just|have friends in high places, {41084}{41104}I suppose.
{41109}{41155}Yes, I can hear you perfectly.
{41159}{41195}You want what?
{41199}{41313}You want two volunteers for a mission into|No Man's Land...
{41315}{41388}Code name:|Operation Certain Death.
{41390}{41476}Yes, yes, I think I have just the fellows.
{41506}{41634}God is very quick these days.
{41899}{42099}Ripped with SubRip 1.10 and Verified by CdinT|(Cristi_Polacsek@SoftHome.net) {42092}{42231}I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it!
:D
{808}{938}Eyes...
right!
{1051}{1130}Eyes, right!
{1392}{1454}You'd like to book a table|for three by the window {1457}{1501}for 9:30 pm, {1505}{1549}not too near the band, {1553}{1663}in the name of Obel-Ointment Fungentula?
{1664}{1763}Yes, yes, I think you|might have the wrong number.
{1765}{1819}That's all right.
{1822}{1885}Another crossed line, eh, sir?
{1889}{1932}That phone system is a shambles, {1936}{1977}no wonder we haven't had any orders!
{1981}{2029}On the contrary, George,|we've had plenty of orders.
{2032}{2059}We have orders for six meters {2064}{2138}of Hungarian crushed velvet|curtain material, {2141}{2188}four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips, {2192}{2273}and a cab for a Mr.
Redgrave, {2275}{2366}picking up from 14 Arnost Grove,|Raintop Bell.
{2368}{2433}Rather!
We don't want those sort of orders, {2436}{2481}we want orders to deck old glory.
{2485}{2553}When are we going to give Fritz|a taste of our British spunk?
{2556}{2605}George, please.
{2609}{2677}No one is more anxious|to advance than I am, {2680}{2731}but until I get these|communication problems sorted out, {2735}{2758}I'm afraid we're stuck.
{2822}{2851}Captain Blackadder speaking.
{2856}{2967}No, I'm afraid the line's very cclllffffhhtttt!
{2968}{3027}Hello?|Hello, Captain Blackadder, hello?
{3139}{3190}{y:i}Schnell, schnell, die koppeltop {3193}{3291}I said there's a terrible line at my end.
{3293}{3384}You're to advance on the enemy at once.
{3386}{3487}Ppttttt...
{3520}{3616}{y:i}# A wandering minstrel eye in the...
# {3664}{3733}Gale Force Eight...
imminent.
{3736}{3786}I say, sir, what's the message?
{3789}{3842}I'm on tenterhooks, do tell!
{3846}{3879}Well, as far as I can tell,|the message was, {3883}{3938}he's got a terrible lion up his end, {3942}{4007}so there's an advantage|to an enema at once.
{4010}{4045}Damn!
{4049}{4091}Message from HQ, sir.
{4095}{4127}Ah, now, this'll be it.
{4132}{4172}A telegram ordering an advance!
{4176}{4221}Hmm, yes, I'm afraid not, George.
{4225}{4270}It "is" a telegram,|it "is" ordering an advance, {4274}{4344}but it seems to be addressed to someone|called 'Catpain Blackudder'.
{4347}{4408}Do you know|a Catpain Blackudder, George?
{4411}{4483}Well, it rings a bell, but I...
no.
{4486}{4551}- Nope, me neither.|- Oh, well.
{4554}{4627}Anyway, George, I'm sure|if they want to contact us, they'll find a way.
{4630}{4709}Pigeons, sir!|There's a pigeon in our trench!
{4711}{4749}Ah, now, this'll be it!
{4754}{4837}Yes, it's one of the King's carrier pigeons.
{4839}{4930}No, it isn't, that pigeon|couldn't carry the King!
{4932}{4976}Hasn't got a tray or anything.
{4980}{5021}Lieutenant, revolver, please.
{5025}{5094}Oh now, sir, you really|shouldn't do this, you know!
{5097}{5153}Come on, George,|with 50,000 men getting killed a week, {5157}{5242}who's going to miss a pigeon?
{5290}{5376}Well, not you, obviously, sir.
{5378}{5458}In any case, it's scarcely|a court-martial offence.
{5461}{5507}Get plucking, Baldrick.
{5511}{5537}All right, sir.
{5541}{5604}Look, it's got a little ring 'round its leg, {5608}{5629}there's a novelty!
{5634}{5673}Oh, really, is there a paper hat, as well?
{5677}{5771}No, but there's a joke.|Read it out, sir.
{5773}{5817}It's a bit charred.
{5821}{5865}Something-something at once...
{5869}{5932}P.S., due to communication crisis, {5935}{6043}the shooting of carrier pigeons|is now a court-martial offence.
{6044}{6115}I don't see what's funny about that, sir.
{6118}{6201}It's not funny, it's deadly serious.|We're in trouble.
{6204}{6284}So I shall eat the evidence for lunch, {6286}{6343}and if anyone asks you any questions at all, {6346}{6385}we didn't receive any messages {6390}{6527}and we definitely did not|shoot this plump-breasted pigeon.
{6530}{6594}Umm...
delicious.
{6597}{6642}Aye!
Blackadder!
{6646}{6686}Darling: Attention!
{6690}{6737}And why, Captain, are you not advancing {6741}{6762}across No Man's Land?
{6767}{6816}Well, sir, call me|a bluffo traditionalist, {6820}{6857}but I was always taught to wait {6861}{6898}for the order to attack before attacking.
{6902}{6967}Are you trying to tell me you|haven't received any orders?
{6970}{7025}What the hell are you|playing at, Darling?
{7029}{7048}That's a blatant lie, sir.
{7053}{7111}I spoke to Blackadder|less than an hour ago.
{7114}{7147}Yes, you did.
{7152}{7236}To tell me some gobbledygook|about having a lion up your bottom.
{7238}{7307}Hmm, as I thought...
it's the old|communications problem again.
{7310}{7335}Stand easy.
{7340}{7402}Action on this is imperative.|Take that down, Darling.
{7405}{7482}Also, make a note|of the word gobbledygook.
{7484}{7508}I like it.
{7513}{7555}I want to use it more often in conversation.
{7559}{7622}I must say, sir,|I find this all very unlikely.
{7626}{7670}Not only did I telephone Blackadder, {7674}{7740}but as you'll recall, we sent him a telegram|and a carrier pigeon.
{7743}{7782}Did you?
{7786}{7898}Are you telling us you haven't|had a pigeon, Blackadder?
{7907}{7961}Um...
Ahh...
{7964}{8001}Come on man, you must have done!
{8006}{8079}I sent our top bird...
Speckled Jim.
{8081}{8165}My own true love, who's been with me|since I was a nipper!
{8168}{8268}To business.
I'm giving you|your order to advance now.
{8269}{8313}Synchronize watches, gentlemen.
{8317}{8360}Private, what is the time?
{8364}{8404}We didn't receive any messages, {8409}{8446}and Captain Blackadder definitely did not {8450}{8574}shoot this delicious|plump-breasted pigeon, sir.
{8569}{8612}What!??
{8616}{8695}You want to be cremated,|Baldrick, or buried at sea?
{8697}{8759}Umm...
{8764}{8794}- Ah, Lieutenant?|- Sir.
{8798}{8843}Do you mind answering|a couple of questions?
{8847}{8881}Not at all, sir.
{8885}{8921}We didn't get any messages, {8926}{8961}and Captain Blackadder|definitely did not shoot {8965}{9011}this delicious plump-breasted pigeon.
{9015}{9050}Thanks, George.
{9054}{9132}And look, sir, pigeon feathers...|"white" feathers.
{9135}{9177}Very apt, eh, Blackadder?
{9181}{9208}White feathers?
{9213}{9286}Oh no, sir, that's gobbleyjook!
{9288}{9326}They're not white, {9331}{9358}they're sort of speckly!
{9362}{9398}Speckly?!
{9403}{9437}Aahhhhhhhh!
{9441}{9506}You shot my Speckled Jim??!!
{9509}{9559}You're for it now, Blackadder.
{9563}{9612}Quite frankly, sir, I've suspected this|for some time.
{9616}{9677}Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder|has been disobeying orders {9680}{9710}with a breathtaking impertinence.
{9714}{9781}I don't care if he's been|rogering the Duke of York {9784}{9832}with a prize-winning leek!
{9836}{9891}He shot my pigeon!!!
{9895}{9944}Aaahh-ahhhh-ooohhhh!
{9948}{9978}Take it easy, sir.
{9982}{10026}I think we should do this|by the book, sir.
{10030}{10115}Yes, yes, you're right, of course.|I'm sorry.
{10117}{10187}Attention!
{10187}{10252}Captain Blackadder, as of this moment {10256}{10318}you may consider yourself under arrest.
{10321}{10395}You know what the penalty is for|disobeying orders, Blackadder?
{10398}{10445}Umm...
court-martial, {10448}{10518}followed by immediate cessation|of chocolate rations?
{10521}{10554}No.
{10559}{10637}Court-martial followed by immediate death|by firing squad.
{10639}{10754}Oh, so I got it half right.
{10769}{10823}All saddled in and happy,|are we then, sir?
{10827}{10869}Reining all our last goodbyes?
{10873}{10913}Oh, no need for that, Perkins, {10917}{10956}I've just dashed off a couple of notes, {10960}{11038}one asking for a sponge bag,|and the other sending for my lawyer.
{11041}{11072}Oh, your lawyer, yes.
{11076}{11139}Don't you think that might be|a bit of a waste of money, sir?
{11142}{11232}Not when he's the finest mind|in English legal history.
{11234}{11269}Ever heard of Bob Massingbird?
{11274}{11338}Oh, yes indeed, sir!|A most gifted gentleman!
{11341}{11411}Quite.
I remember Massingbird's|most famous case, {11414}{11463}the Case of the Bloody Knife.
{11467}{11522}A man was found next to a murdered body, {11525}{11560}he had the knife in his hand, {11564}{11624}thirteen witnesses had|seen him stab the victim, {11628}{11669}and when the police arrived he said, {11673}{11745}"I'm glad I killed the bastard."
{11748}{11786}Massingbird not only got him off, {11790}{11862}he got him knighted|in the New Year's honours list, {11865}{11887}and the relatives of the victim {11892}{11950}had to pay to have the blood|washed out of his jacket.
{11953}{12006}And he's a dab hand|at the prosecution, as well, sir.
{12010}{12048}Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
{12052}{12097}Oh, butch Oscar.
{12101}{12179}Exactly...
big, bearded,|bonking, butch Oscar, {12181}{12214}the terror of the ladies.
{12219}{12310}114 illegitimate children,|world heavyweight boxing champion, {12312}{12365}and author of the best-selling pamphlet, {12368}{12440}{y:i}Why I Like To Do It With Girls...
{12443}{12556}and Massingbird had him sent down|for being a whoopsie.
{12611}{12634}Ah, Baldrick.
{12639}{12674}- Anything from Mattingburg yet?|- Yes, sir.
{12678}{12713}It just arrived, sir.
{12718}{12807}- What is it?|- Sponge bag, sir.
{12809}{12852}- A sponge bag?|- Yes, sir.
{12856}{12898}Baldrick, I gave you two notes.
{12902}{12985}You sent the note asking for a sponge bag {12987}{13054}to the finest mind in English legal history.
{13057}{13086}Certainly did, sir!
{13091}{13170}And you sent the note requesting|legal representation to...
?
{13173}{13297}Well, tally-ho, with a bing and a bong|and a buzz-buzz-buzz!
{13297}{13326}Oh, God {13331}{13375}I'll tell you first of all, sir, {13379}{13420}that I am deeply, deeply honoured.
{13424}{13454}Baldrick, I'll deal with you later.
{13459}{13523}Am I to understand that|you are going to represent me {13526}{13559}at the court-martial?
{13563}{13608}Absolutely, sir.|It's a sort of family tradition.
{13612}{13645}My uncle's a lawyer, you know.
{13649}{13673}Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.
{13678}{13700}Oh, good Lord, no.
{13705}{13765}I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing.
{13768}{13831}In the school debating society, {13835}{13868}I was voted the boy least likely {13872}{13927}to complete a coherent...
um...
{13931}{13993}Sentence?
{13996}{14022}That's it, yes.
{14027}{14062}But anyway, my dear old friend, {14066}{14094}it's an honor to serve.
{14099}{14143}George, I'm in deep trouble here.
{14146}{14171}I need to construct a case {14176}{14239}that's as watertight as|a mermaid's brassiere.
{14242}{14307}I'm not sure your particular|brand of mindless optimism {14311}{14371}is going to contribute much|to the proceedings.
{14374}{14424}That's a shame, sir, because I was planning {14428}{14481}on playing the mindless optimism card|very strongly during your trial.
{14484}{14517}I beg your pardon?
{14522}{14550}Yes, I've already {14554}{14598}planned my closing address|based on that very theme.
{14602}{14653}{y:i}Oh, go on, let him off,|{y:i}your Honour, please!
{14657}{14694}{y:i}After all, it's a lovely day.
{14698}{14737}{y:i}Pretty clouds, trees, birds, et cetera.
{14741}{14774}{y:i}I rest my case.
{14779}{14864}So, Counsel, with that|summing up in mind, {14866}{14908}what do you think my chances are?
{14912}{14940}Well, not all that good, I'm afraid, {14945}{15051}as far as I can tell, you're as guilty|as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.
{15052}{15145}Charming.
{15163}{15223}Crikey!
So sorry I'm late, my love.
{15226}{15306}But anyway, let me|open my defence straightaway {15308}{15366}by saying that I've|known this man for three years, {15370}{15410}he's an absolutely corking chap...
{15414}{15452}- George?|- Yes, sir?
{15456}{15535}- That's the clerk of the court.|- Is it?
Oh!
{15538}{15621}We haven't started yet.
{15664}{15737}- Good luck, Blackadder.|- Well, thank you, Darling.
{15739}{15827}And what's your big job here today?
{15830}{15868}Straightening chairs?
{15872}{15956}No, in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution.
{15958}{15989}I wouldn't raise your hopes too much.
{15994}{16039}You're guilty as hell,|you haven't got a chance.
{16043}{16077}Why, thank you, Darling.
{16081}{16199}And I hope your mother dies|in a freak yachting accident.
{16221}{16253}Just doing my job, Blackadder.
{16257}{16390}Obeying orders, and, of course,|having enormous fun into the bargain.
{16391}{16438}I wouldn't be too confident if I were you.
{16442}{16519}Any reasonably impartial judge|is bound to let me off.
{16521}{16553}Well, absolutely.
{16558}{16595}Who is the judge, by the way?
{16599}{16620}Bailiff!
{16625}{16674}I'm dead.
{16678}{16725}Well, come on, then.
Come on.
{16729}{16757}We'll get this over in five minutes, {16761}{16805}and then we can have a spot of lunch.
{16809}{16874}Right...
oohh...
ahhh.
{16877}{16915}The court is now in session, {16920}{16982}General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmenay|Melchett in the chair.
{16985}{17110}The case before us Is that of the Crown|vs.
Captain Edmund Blackadder...
{17110}{17210}the Flanders pigeon murderer!
{17228}{17343}Oh, clerk, hand me the black cap,|I'll be needing that.
{17345}{17406}I love a fair trial.
{17409}{17478}Anything to say before|we kick off, Captain Darling?
{17481}{17500}May it please the court.
{17505}{17549}As this is clearly an open and shut case, {17553}{17623}I beg leave to bring a private prosecution|against the defence counsel {17626}{17657}for wasting the court's time.
{17661}{17767}Granted.
The defence counsel is fined|fifty pounds for turning up.
{17769}{17860}This is fun!
This is just like a real court!
{17862}{17909}All right!
Let the trial begin!
{17913}{17944}The charge before us {17948}{18050}is that the Flanders pigeon murderer...|did deliberately, {18052}{18137}callously, and with beastliness|of forethought {18139}{18241}murder a lovely, innocent pigeon!
{18243}{18311}And disobeyed some orders as well.
{18314}{18336}Is this true?
{18341}{18440}Perfectly true, sir!|I was there.
{18468}{18497}Thanks, George.
{18502}{18548}Oh, damn!
{18552}{18605}Right.
Counsel for the defence,|get on with it.
{18608}{18637}Oh, right, yes, right.
{18642}{18714}Um, yes.
I'd like to call my first witness, {18717}{18748}Captain Darling.
{18752}{18833}You wish to call the counsel|for the prosecution {18836}{18868}as a defence witness?
{18872}{18894}That's right.
{18899}{18944}Don't worry, sir, I've got it all under control.
{18948}{19062}Ahem.
You are Captain Darling|of the general staff?
{19063}{19135}I am.
{19138}{19220}Captain, leaving aside|the incident in question, {19222}{19276}would you think of Captain Blackadder|as the sort of man {19280}{19323}who would usually ignore orders?
{19327}{19411}Yes, I would.
{19413}{19485}Ah, um.
You sure?
{19488}{19548}I was rather banking on|you saying "no" there.
{19552}{19588}I'm sure.
{19592}{19673}In fact, I have a list of|other orders he's disobeyed, {19675}{19706}if it would be useful.
{19711}{19731}Mm-hmm.
{19736}{19863}May 16th, 9:15 am,|10:23 am, 10:24 am, {19863}{19909}11:17 am...
{19913}{19947}You missed one out there.
{19952}{20023}...10:30 am...
thank you...
11:46 am...
{20026}{20063}- George!|- Oh, oh, ye-ye...
right.
{20067}{20091}Thank you, Captain.
{20096}{20138}No further questions.
{20142}{20176}Well done, George.
{20180}{20220}You really had him on the ropes.
{20224}{20257}Don't worry, old man.
{20262}{20321}I have a last and, I think|you'll find, decisive witness.
{20324}{20372}Call Private Baldrick.
{20376}{20450}Call Private Baldrick.
{20495}{20577}Deny everything, Baldrick.
{20624}{20669}Are you Private Baldrick?
{20673}{20743}No!
{20767}{20857}Um, but you are|Captain Blackadder's batman?
{20859}{20925}No!
{20943}{21004}Come on, Baldrick.,|be a bit more helpful, it's me!
{21007}{21041}No, it isn't!
{21045}{21078}Sir, I must protest!
{21083}{21108}Quite right!
{21113}{21186}We don't need your kind here, Private.|Get out.
{21188}{21218}Now, George, sum up, please.
{21223}{21308}Oh, right, yes, uhhhh...
{21337}{21379}Ah, gentlemen, {21383}{21446}you have heard all the evidence|presented before you today, {21449}{21501}but in the end, it is up to the conscience {21505}{21538}of your hearts to decide.
{21543}{21576}And I firmly believe, that, like me, {21580}{21614}you will conclude that Captain Blackadder {21618}{21771}is in fact, totally and utterly...
guilty.
{21862}{21954}...of nothing more...
{21966}{22061}...than trying to do his duty|under difficult circumstances.
{22063}{22121}Nonsense!
He's a hound and a rutter,|and he's going to be shot!
{22124}{22172}However, before we proceed {22176}{22217}to the formality of sentencing|the deceased...
{22221}{22286}I mean the defendant...
{22359}{22448}I think we'd all rather enjoy|hearing the case of the prosecution.
{22450}{22477}Captain Darling, if you please.
{22482}{22520}Sir, my case is very simple.
{22524}{22555}I call my first witness, {22560}{22623}General Sir Anthony|Cecil Hogmaney Melchett.
{22626}{22701}Ah!
Umm!
{22698}{22774}Clever.
Clever!
{22776}{22852}General, did you own a lovely, {22855}{22923}plump, speckily pigeon {22926}{22992}called Speckled Jim, {22995}{23046}which you hand-reared from a chick {23050}{23090}and which was your|only childhood friend?
{23094}{23131}Yes!
{23135}{23161}Yes, I did.
{23166}{23210}And did Captain Blackadder|shoot the aforementioned pigeon?
{23214}{23233}Yes, he did!
{23238}{23282}Can you see Captain Blackadder {23286}{23340}anywhere in this courtroom?!
{23344}{23371}That's him!!!
{23375}{23402}That's the man!!
Ahhhh!!!
{23407}{23449}No more questions, sir.
{23453}{23486}Splendid, excellent, first-class.
{23490}{23521}Clear the way, man.
{23526}{23642}I therefore have absolutely no hesitation {23643}{23758}in announcing that|the sentence of this court is that you, {23759}{23779}Captain Edmund Blackadder, {23784}{23829}be taken from this place and suffer death {23833}{23907}by shooting tomorrow at dawn.
{23910}{23991}Do you have anything to say?
{24005}{24111}Yes, could I have an alarm call, please?
{24106}{24150}Chap here to see the captain.
{24154}{24193}What does he look like?
{24198}{24223}Short, ugly...
{24227}{24255}Hello, Baldrick.
{24260}{24339}I brought you some food, sir, {24341}{24418}for your final breakfast tomorrow.
{24421}{24493}Ah, so you're not pinning much hope|on a last-minute reprieve, then.
{24496}{24575}No sir, you are as dead|as some doo-doos.
{24578}{24644}The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo"...
{24647}{24686}{y:i}Dead as a dodo.
{24690}{24793}Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I?
{24800}{24838}Do not despair, sir.
{24842}{24914}All my talk of food was just a dead herring.
{24917}{25011}In fact, I have a cunning plan.
{25013}{25104}This is not food, but an escape kit.
{25106}{25126}Good Lord!
{25131}{25194}With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, {25197}{25249}a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, {25253}{25313}and a huge false moustache,|I may just stand a chance.
{25316}{25344}Ah.
{25349}{25406}Let's see, what have we here?
{25409}{25473}A small painted wooden duck.
{25477}{25549}Yeah, I thought if you|get caught near water, {25551}{25630}you can balance it|on the top of your head {25633}{25702}as a brilliant disguise.
{25705}{25735}Yeeeesss.
{25740}{25793}I would, of course, have to escape first.
{25796}{25819}Ah, but what's this?
{25824}{25876}Unless I'm much mistaken,|a hammer and a chisel.
{25880}{25909}You are much mistaken!
{25913}{25985}A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
{25988}{26091}Yes, a pencil so you can drop me a postcard {26093}{26151}to tell me how the break-out went, {26154}{26198}and a small little tiny miniature trumpet {26202}{26246}in case, during your escape, {26250}{26330}you have to win favour with a difficult child.
{26332}{26415}Baldrick, I don't want|to spend my last precious hours {26418}{26505}rummaging through this feeble collection|of stocking-fillers.
{26507}{26556}Let me ask you some simple questions: {26560}{26612}Is there a saw in this bag?|- No.
{26616}{26647}- A hammer?|- No.
{26651}{26678}- A chisel?|- No.
{26683}{26704}- A gun?|- No.
{26709}{26736}A false passport?
{26740}{26761}No.
{26766}{26804}A change of clothes?
{26808}{26876}Yes sir, of course, I wouldn't|forget a change of clothes.
{26879}{26988}Ah, well, that's something.|Let's see...
{26995}{27053}A Robin Hood costume.
{27056}{27150}Yeah, I put in a|French peasant's outfit first, {27152}{27198}But then I thought,|what if you arrive in {27202}{27232}in a French peasant's village {27236}{27288}and they're in the middle|of a fancy dress party?
' {27292}{27361}And what if I arrive in|a French peasant village, {27364}{27403}dressed in a Robin Hood costume {27407}{27462}and there "isn't" a fancy dress party?
{27466}{27501}Well, to be quite frank sir, {27505}{27552}I didn't consider that eventuality, {27556}{27620}because if you did,|you'd stick out like a...
{27623}{27651}Like a man standing in a lake {27656}{27721}with a small painted wooden|duck on his head?
{27724}{27743}Exactly!
{27748}{27791}Excuse me, sir.
{27795}{27846}All right, um, thank you, Baldrick, {27850}{27923}we'll finish this picnic later.
{27925}{28002}Yum yum!
{28011}{28053}Do you mind if I disturb you|for a moment, sir?
{28057}{28084}No, no, not at all.
{28088}{28134}My diary's pretty empty this week.
{28138}{28203}Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot...
{28206}{28247}Yes, that's about it, actually.
{28252}{28306}It's just there's a few chaps out here {28309}{28335}would like a bit of a chinwag.
{28340}{28382}Oh, lovely.
Always keen to meet new people.
{28386}{28411}Corporal Jones, {28416}{28481}and Privates Frazier,|Robinson, and Tipperwick.
{28484}{28518}Hello.
{28522}{28649}Well, nice of you to drop by.
{28686}{28764}And what do you do?
{28765}{28847}We're your firing squad, sir.
{28918}{28965}Of course you are.
{28969}{29017}- Good sized chest.|- Shut up, lad.
{29021}{29069}You see, us firing squads|are a bit like tax men, sir, {29073}{29101}everyone hates us, {29106}{29160}but we're just doin'|our job, ain't we, lads?
{29163}{29206}My heart bleeds for you.
{29210}{29306}Well, sir, we aim to please.
{29310}{29399}Just a little firing squad joke there, sir!
{29401}{29454}You see, sir, {29458}{29537}we take pride in the terminatory|service we supply.
{29539}{29640}So, is there any particular area|you'd like us to go for, hmm?
{29642}{29684}We can aim anywhere.
{29688}{29710}Well, in that case, {29715}{29749}just above my head might be a good spot.
{29787}{29844}You see, a laugh and a smile, {29847}{29889}and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem {29893}{29941}quite so bad after all, does it, sir?
{29945}{29995}No, it's a lovely roomy forehead.
{29999}{30050}A good pulse and jugular there as well.
{30054}{30099}Look, I'm sorry,|I know you mean to be friendly, {30102}{30192}but I hope you won't|take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.
{30195}{30247}No, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough, {30250}{30286}'course not, sir.
{30291}{30347}No one likes being shot first thing|in the morning, do they?
{30350}{30415}So, look forward|to seeing you tomorrow, sir.
{30418}{30460}You'll have a blindfold on of course, {30464}{30502}but you'll recognize me.
{30506}{30551}I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire! "
{30555}{30599}Could I ask you to leave a pause {30603}{30677}between the word "aim" and the word "fire"?
{30680}{30718}Thirty or forty years, perhaps?
{30770}{30839}Ah, wish I could pause, sir,|I really wish I could, {30842}{30911}but I can't, you see,|'cos I'm a gabbler, you see.
{30914}{30937}Ready-aim-fire!
{30942}{31007}No style, no finesse...
{31010}{31116}But it gets the job done, don't it, lads?|Come on, lads.
{31118}{31193}Whoever gets closest to the mole|gets to keep his gold teeth.
{31195}{31275}- Good night, sir.|- Sleep well, sir.
{31278}{31312}Perfect!
{31316}{31370}I wonder if anything on earth|could depress me more?
{31374}{31400}Excuse me, sir?
{31405}{31442}Of course it could.
{31446}{31528}I forgot to give you this letter|from Lieutenant George, sir.
{31530}{31582}Ahh!
Oh, joy!
{31586}{31666}What wise words from the world's|greatest defence counsel?
{31668}{31703}{y:i}Dear Mother...
{31708}{31775}Hmm, unusual start.
{31778}{31821}{y:i}Thanks for the case of Scotch.
{31825}{31859}You've excelled yourself, Baldrick.
{31863}{31910}You've brought the wrong letter again.
{31914}{31954}Ohh yeah, he did write two.
{31958}{32017}Yes, his mother's about to get a note {32021}{32087}telling her he's sorry|she's going to be shot in the morning, {32090}{32151}while I have to read this drivel.
{32154}{32227}{y:i}Hope Celia thrives|{y:i}in the pony club trials, {32230}{32303}and that "little Freddy scores a century|for the first eleven".
{32306}{32355}You can't deny, it's a riveting read.
{32358}{32410}Uhhh, "Send my love to Uncle Rupert, {32414}{32476}{y:i}who'd have thought it,|{y:i}mad Uncle Rupert, Minister of War {32479}{32590}{y:i}with power of life and death|{y:i}over every bally soldier in the army.
{32591}{32681}Hang on a minute...
This is it!
{32684}{32734}All George has to do|is send him a telegram {32737}{32756}and he'll get me off.
{32761}{32797}Baldrick, I love you!
{32802}{32875}I want to kiss your cherry lips {32877}{32934}and nibble your shell-like ears!
{32938}{33012}I'm freeeee!
{33069}{33117}I'm useless, useless!
{33121}{33140}Sir, sir!
{33145}{33188}Hello Private, how's the captain?
{33192}{33236}He's absolutely fine, sir, but...
{33240}{33285}You're just trying to cheer me up.|I know the truth.
{33289}{33360}He hates me because I completely|arsed up his defence.
{33363}{33384}Yes, I know, sir...
{33389}{33416}Because I'm thick, you see.
{33421}{33458}I'm as thick as the big-print version {33462}{33522}of the complete works of Charles Dickens.
{33525}{33587}If only I could've saved him.
If only!
{33590}{33619}But you can, sir.
{33624}{33644}What, how?
{33649}{33686}You send a telegram.
{33690}{33746}Of course!
I send a telegram!
{33750}{33781}Yeah!
{33785}{33851}- Who to?|- To the person in the letter.
{33854}{33901}- What letter?|- To your mother.
{33905}{33932}I send a telegram to my mother?!
{33937}{33971}- No!|- No!
{33975}{34016}You send a telegram to|the person in the letter to your mother.
{34020}{34052}Who was in the letter to my mother?
{34057}{34085}I can't remember!
{34089}{34125}- Well, think, think!|- No, "you" think think!
{34130}{34209}Celia, of course!|The pony club trials...
yes!
{34211}{34282}Celia could leap over the walls|of the prison and save him!
{34285}{34307}No, no!
{34312}{34350}No, no, um...
cricket!
{34354}{34410}Yes, I've got|Cousin Freddie, of course.
{34414}{34468}He could knock out|the firing squad with his cricket bat!
{34471}{34499}No, there's someone else!
{34504}{34532}- Well, who?!|- I don't know!
{34536}{34575}- Well, neither do I!|- Well, think, think!
{34580}{34661}- "You think," sir!|- I'm stuck!
{34697}{34756}- No, it hasn't helped.|- Yes it has, sir.
{34759}{34843}Your Uncle Rupert who's|just been made Minister of War.
{34845}{34867}Of course!
{34872}{34916}Uncle Rupert's just been made|the Minister of War!
{34920}{34974}Baldrick, I'll, I'll send him a telegram {34978}{35006}and he'll pull strings and scratch backs {35010}{35098}and fiddle with knobs,|and get the captain off!
{35101}{35132}Hurray!
{35136}{35184}Well, I got there in the end, eh Baldrick?
{35188}{35216}Oh, just about, sir.
{35221}{35269}I think this calls for a celebration, don't you?
{35272}{35324}What about a tot of|Old Morehen's Shredded Sporum, {35328}{35372}which Mummsy's just sent over?
{35376}{35420}I think a toast, don't you, {35424}{35493}to Captain Blackadder and freedom!
{35496}{35558}Captain Blackadder and freedom, sir.
{35588}{35633}- 'Morning.|- 'Morning, sir.
{35637}{35752}I must say, Captain,|I've got to admire your balls.
{35815}{35887}Perhaps later.
{35889}{35948}So boys, how are you doing?
{35952}{35978}Very well, good.
{35982}{36060}- Robinson, good to see you.|- Good to see you, too, sir.
{36063}{36111}Ah, Corporal, how's the voice?
{36115}{36127}Excellent, sir.
{36132}{36146}Ready-aim-fire!
{36151}{36237}Wait for it, "wait" for it.
{36240}{36296}So the phone's on the hook,|isn't it, Perkins?
{36299}{36321}Oh yes, sir.
{36326}{36355}So, where do you want me?
{36360}{36423}Well, up against the wall is traditional, sir.
{36426}{36484}Of course it is.
{36487}{36532}Ah, this side or the other side?
{36570}{36656}No messengers waiting, Perkins?
{36658}{36694}Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.
{36698}{36726}Fair enough, fair enough.
{36731}{36807}All right, lads, line up.
{36814}{36835}Yes, ahh...
{36840}{36893}Now, look, I think there's a bit|of a misunderstanding, {36897}{36945}you see, I was expecting a telegram.
{36949}{36972}Attention!
{36977}{37000}An important one, actually.
{37004}{37036}Take aim!
{37041}{37071}Stop!
{37075}{37110}I think that's what they call|'The nick of time'.
{37115}{37153}Message for you, Captain.
{37157}{37199}Of course it is.
Read it, please.
{37203}{37252}{y:i}Here's looking at you.
{37256}{37383}{y:i}Love from all the boys in the firing squad.
{37387}{37451}You soft bastards, you!
{37454}{37532}I saw the card, I couldn't resist it.
{37535}{37563}How thoughtful!
{37568}{37597}Attention!
{37601}{37652}Now, look, something has gone|spectacularly, badly wrong.
{37656}{37674}Take aim!
{37679}{37707}Baldrick, you're mincemeat!
{37712}{37726}Corporal: f...
{37731}{37800}Oh, my head!
{37803}{37854}Oh, my head!
{37857}{37983}Feels like the time I was initiated|into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge.
{37984}{38011}I misheard the rules {38016}{38082}and pushed a whole oberjing|into my earhole.
{38085}{38172}Permission to die, sir.
{38174}{38227}Bu-bu-bu-what started this drinking?
{38231}{38275}Oh, yes, well, we were celebrating {38279}{38368}getting Captain Blackadder off|scot-f-f-f-free.
{38370}{38444}Oh, my sainted trousers, we forgot!
{38447}{38481}Oh, whoops.
{38485}{38506}Oh, no!
{38511}{38567}Now he's dead, you see.|He's dead dead dead, {38570}{38646}because we're a pair of|selfish so-and-so's!
{38649}{38684}Oh, God, if I had a rope, {38688}{38741}I'd put it around my neck|and bally-well hang myself {38745}{38778}until it "really" hurt.
{38782}{38846}Hi, George.|'Morning, Baldrick.
{38850}{38936}Still the striking resemblance|to guppies fish at feeding time.
{38938}{39020}Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.
{39022}{39073}Oh, excellent!
{39077}{39158}Ah, so you've got the Scotch out, anyway?
{39160}{39203}Oh, well, well, of course, sir, {39207}{39277}We wanted to lay on a bit of a bash for|your safe return.
{39280}{39305}Ah...
here you go.
{39310}{39404}There was a second telegram|that arrived actually, George, {39406}{39455}addressed to you personally|by your uncle.
{39459}{39503}Oh, thank you, I...
{39507}{39561}{y:i}George, my boy, {39564}{39613}{y:i}outraged to read in dispatches {39617}{39681}{y:i}of how that ass Melchett|{y:i}made such a pigs-ear {39684}{39736}{y:i}of your chum Blackadder's court-martial.
{39740}{39786}{y:i}Have reversed the decision forthwith.
{39790}{39922}{y:i}Surprised you didn't ask me|{y:i}to do it yourself, actually.
{39922}{39976}Now this is interesting, isn't it?
{39980}{40044}Uh, uh, yes, well,|you see, sir, the thing is...
{40047}{40085}You two got whammed|last night, didn't you?
{40089}{40146}Well, well, no, not "whammed" exactly.
{40150}{40188}A little tiddly, perhaps.
{40192}{40232}And you forgot the telegram to your uncle!
{40236}{40274}Well, n-n-n-no, {40278}{40314}not, not, completely,|I mean, um, partially...
{40319}{40387}Umm...
well...
Yes, yes, entirely.
{40390}{40462}I think I can explain, sir.
{40464}{40535}Can you, Baldrick?
{40533}{40566}No.
{40571}{40608}As I suspected.
{40612}{40671}Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know, {40675}{40747}but henceforth, I shall nightly pray to the God {40749}{40793}that killed Cain and squashed Samson, {40797}{40830}that he comes out of retirement {40835}{40884}and gets back into practice|on the pair of you!
{40917}{40956}Captain Blackadder.
{40960}{40993}Ah, Captain Darling.
{40998}{41082}Well, you know, some of us just|have friends in high places, {41084}{41104}I suppose.
{41109}{41155}Yes, I can hear you perfectly.
{41159}{41195}You want what?
{41199}{41313}You want two volunteers for a mission into|No Man's Land...
{41315}{41388}Code name:|Operation Certain Death.
{41390}{41476}Yes, yes, I think I have just the fellows.
{41506}{41634}God is very quick these days.
{41899}{42099}Ripped with SubRip 1.10 and Verified by CdinT|(Cristi_Polacsek@SoftHome.net) {42092}{42231}I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it!
:D