Programma Televisivo: Black Adder - 3x6
{1295}{1343}Mr Blackadder...
{1347}{1480}Leave me alone Baldrick.
If I'd wanted to talk to|a vegetable I'd have bought one at the market.
{1480}{1538}- Don't you want this message?|- No, thank you.
{1541}{1635}God, I'm wasted here.|It's no life for a man of noble blood {1637}{1805}being servant to a master with the intellect of a|jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty.
{1804}{1919}I'm wasted too.|I've been thinking of bettering myself.
{1920}{2016}I applied for the job|of village idiot of Kensington.
{2018}{2079}- Get anywhere?|- I got down to the last two.
{2083}{2148}- But I failed the final interview.|- What went wrong?
{2151}{2255}I turned up.|The other bloke was such an idiot he forgot to.
{2256}{2363}I'm afraid my ambitions stretch slightly further|than professional idiocy in West London.
{2365}{2500}I want to be remembered when I'm dead.
I want|books written about me, songs sung about me.
{2500}{2584}And then, hundreds of years from now,|I want episodes from my life {2587}{2735}to be played out weekly at half past nine|by some great heroic actor of the age.
{2734}{2842}Yeah, and I could be played|by some tiny tit in a beard.
{2844}{2915}- Quite.
Now, what's this message?|- I thought you didn't want it.
{2918}{2990}- I may do.
It depends what it is.|- So you do want it?
{2993}{3102}- Well, I don't know, do I?
It depends what it is.|- I can't tell you unless you want to know.
{3103}{3193}Now I'm so confused I don't know|where I live or what my name is.
{3195}{3342}Your name is of no importance and you live|in the pipe in the upstairs water-closet.
{3342}{3459}Was the man who gave you this, by any chance,|a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and a claymore?
{3460}{3537}Yeah, and the funny thing is,|he looked exactly like you.
{3540}{3670}My mad cousin McAdder.
The most dangerous|man ever to wear a skirt in Europe.
{3670}{3749}Yeah, he came in here playing the bagpipes, {3752}{3849}then he made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne|and punched me in the face.
{3851}{3944}- Why?|- I called him a knock-kneed Scottish pillock.
{3946}{4058}An unwise action, Baldrick,|since Mad McAdder is a homicidal maniac.
{4059}{4125}My mother told me to stand up|to homicidal maniacs.
{4128}{4278}If this is the same mother who claimed|that you were a tall, handsome, stallion of a man, {4278}{4367}- I should treat her opinions with caution.|- I love my mum.
{4369}{4462}And I love chops and sauce,|but I don't seek their advice.
{4464}{4619}I hate it when McAdder turns up.
He's such a|frog-eyed, beetle-browed basket-case.
{4619}{4683}- He's the spitting image of you.|- No, he's not!
{4686}{4789}We're about as similar|as two completely dissimilar things in a pod.
{4790}{4906}What's the old tartan throw-back|banging on about this time?
{4907}{5013}"Have come South for rebellion."|Oh, God.
Surprise, surprise.
{5015}{5115}"Staying with Miggins...|the time has come...
best sword in Scotland...
{5117}{5258}insurrection...
blood...
large bowl of porridge...|rightful claim to throne..."
{5258}{5311}He's mad.
He's mad.
{5314}{5459}He's madder than Mad Jack McMad the winner|of last year's Mr Madman competition.
{5503}{5599}Ah!
The walrus awakes.
{5600}{5700}Blackadder, notice anything unusual?
{5702}{5802}Yes, sir, it's 11:30 in the morning|and you're moving about.
{5804}{5876}Is the bed on fire?
{5879}{5976}Well, I wouldn't know,|I've been out "all night".
{5978}{6079}Guess what I've been doing?
Wraaarrhhh...
{6080}{6181}- Beagling, sir?|- Better even than that.
{6183}{6288}Sink me, Blackadder, if I haven't just had|the most wonderful evening of my life.
{6290}{6332}Tell me all, sir.
{6336}{6472}As you know, when I set out I looked divine.|At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned.
{6472}{6549}- And I dare say, quite a few stomachs.|- Well, that's right.
{6552}{6697}And then these two ravishing beauties|came up to me and whispered in my ear {6697}{6759}that they loved me.
{6762}{6907}- And what happened after you woke up?|- This was no dream, Blackadder.
{6907}{7025}Five minutes later I was in a coach flying through|the London night bound for the ladies' home.
{7026}{7188}And which ladies' home is this?
A home for the|elderly or a home for the mentally disadvantaged?
{7187}{7279}No, no, no.|This was Apsley House.
Do you know it?
{7281}{7406}Yes, sir.
It is the seat of the Duke of Wellington.|Those ladies, I fancy, would be his nieces.
{7407}{7495}Oh, so you fancy them too?|Well, I don't blame you.
{7497}{7605}I spent a night of ecstasy|with a pair of Wellingtons and I loved it.
{7607}{7699}Sir, it may interest you to know|that the Iron Duke has always let it be known {7701}{7824}that he will kill in cold blood anyone who takes|sexual advantage of any of his relatives.
{7824}{7913}Yes, but big-nose Wellington is in Spain|fighting the French - he'll never know.
{7916}{7979}On the contrary, sir.|Wellington triumphed six months ago.
{7982}{8066}- I'm dead.|- It would seem so, sir.
{8068}{8170}- I haven't got a prayer, have I, Blackadder?|- Against throat-slasher Wellington, {8172}{8261}the finest blade His Majesty commands?|Not really, no.
{8263}{8332}Then I shall flee.|How's your French, Blackadder?
{8335}{8418}{y:i}Parfait, monsieur.|But I fear France will not be far enough.
{8420}{8551}- Well, how's your Mongolian?|- Mmm, "chang hatang motzo motzo".
{8552}{8672}But I fear Wellington is a close personal friend|of the chief Mongol.
They were at Eton together.
{8673}{8746}I'm doomed.
Doomed as the dodo.
{8749}{8829}Oh, my God, he's here, Wellington's here already!
{8831}{8979}Oh, Your Grace, forgive me.
I didn't know what I|was doing.
I was a mad, sexually overactive fool.
{8979}{9058}Sir, it's Baldrick.
You're perfectly safe.
{9061}{9091}Hurrah!
{9095}{9159}- Until six o'clock tonight.|- Hurrooh.
{9162}{9226}From the Supreme Commander,|Allied Forces Europe.
{9230}{9386}"Sir, prince or pauper, when a man|soils a Wellington he puts his foot in it."
{9385}{9569}"This is not a joke.
I do not find my name|remotely funny, and people who do, end up dead."
{9567}{9672}"I challenge you to a duel tonight|at eighteen hundred hours in which you will die."
{9674}{9789}"Yours, with sincere apologies for your impending|slaughter, Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington."
{9790}{9844}Sounds a nice, polite sort of bloke.
{9908}{10000}Don't worry, sir, please.|Just consider that life is a valley of woe {10002}{10071}filled with pain, misery, hunger and despair.
{10074}{10206}Not for me.
As far as I'm concerned life is|a big palace full of food, drink and comfy sofas.
{10207}{10293}- May I speak, sir?|- Certainly not, Baldrick!
{10295}{10368}The Prince is about to die.|The last thing he wants to do {10371}{10462}is exchange pleasantries|with a certified plum-duff.
{10464}{10520}Easy, Blackadder, let's hear him out.
{10523}{10623}Very well, Baldrick.|We shall hear you out, then throw you out.
{10625}{10778}Well, Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan|which could get you out of this problem.
{10778}{10865}Don't listen to him, sir.|It's a cruel proletarian trick to raise your hopes.
{10867}{10950}I shall have him shot the moment|he's finished clearing away your breakfast.
{10952}{11081}No, wait.
Perhaps this disgusting degraded|creature is some sort of blessing in disguise.
{11082}{11137}Well, if he is, it's a very good disguise.
{11141}{11265}After all, did not our Lord send a lowly|earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?
{11265}{11291}No.
{11296}{11394}Well, it's the sort of thing he might have|done.
Well, come on, Mr Spotty, speak.
{11396}{11520}Well, Your Majesty, I just thought -|this Wellington bloke's been in Europe for years.
{11521}{11598}He don't know what you looks like.
{11600}{11714}So why don't you get someone else|to fight the duel instead of you?
{11716}{11804}But I'm the Prince Regent!|My portrait hangs on every wall!
{11806}{11857}Answer that, Baldrick.
{11860}{11944}My cousin Bert Baldrick,|Mr Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, {11947}{12104}he says that all portraits look the same these|days, 'cause they're painted to a romantic ideal, {12103}{12253}rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic|facial qualities of the person in question.
{12253}{12351}Your cousin Bert obviously has|a larger vocabulary than you do, Baldrick.
{12353}{12494}He's right, damn him!
Anybody could fight|the duel and Wellers would never know.
{12494}{12642}Baldrick's plan does seem to hinge on finding|someone willing to commit suicide on your behalf.
{12642}{12722}Yes, but he would be fabulously rewarded.
{12724}{12808}- Money, titles, castles...|- Coffin.
{12811}{12914}That's right, I thought maybe Mr Blackadder|himself would fancy the job.
{12915}{12975}What a splendid idea!
{12979}{13096}Excuse me, Your Highness.|Trouble with the staff.
{13148}{13203}Baldrick, does it have to be this way?
{13206}{13298}Our valued friendship ending|with me cutting you into long strips {13300}{13449}and telling the Prince that you walked over a very|sharp cattle-grid in an extremely heavy hat?
{13449}{13602}Mr Blackadder, you was only just saying|in the kitchen how you wanted to rise again.
{13602}{13682}But, tiny, tiny brain, the Iron Duke will kill me.
{13684}{13786}To even think about taking him on you'd have|to be some kind of homicidal maniac {13788}{13888}who was fantastically good at fighting,|like McAdder...
{13890}{13951}McAdder could fight the duel for me!
{13954}{14084}My apologies, sir.
I was just having a word|with my insurance people.
{14084}{14162}Obviously I would be delighted|to die on your behalf.
{14165}{14259}God's toenails, Blackadder, I'm most damnably|grateful.
You won't regret this you know.
{14261}{14370}Well, that's excellent.
There's just one point,|though, sir, re: The suicide policy.
{14371}{14499}There is an unusual clause which states|that the policyholder must wear a big red wig {14500}{14567}and affect a Scottish accent in the combat zone.
{14570}{14645}Small print, eh?
{14671}{14783}Ah, Mrs Miggins.
Am I to gather|from your look of pie-eyed exhaustion {14784}{14846}and the globules of porridge hanging off the walls {14849}{14926}that my cousin McAdder|has presented his credentials?
{14929}{15010}Oh yes, indeed, sir.
You've just missed him.
{15013}{15136}- I hope he's been practising with his claymore.|- Oh, I should say so!
{15136}{15241}I'm as weary as a dog with no legs|that's just climbed Ben Nevis.
{15243}{15297}A claymore is a sword, Mrs Miggins.
{15300}{15393}See this intricate wood carving|of the infant Samuel at prayer?
{15396}{15488}He whittled that with the tip of his|mighty weapon with his eyes closed.
{15490}{15526}Yes, exquisite.
{15530}{15602}He bid me bite on a plank,|there was a whirlwind of steel, {15605}{15725}and within a minute three men lay dead|and I had a lovely new set of gnashers.
{15726}{15862}Just tell him to meet me here at five o'clock|to discuss an extremely cunning plan.
{15862}{15999}If all goes well, by tomorrow the clan of McAdder|will be marching the high road back to glory.
{15999}{16074}I'll do you a nice packed lunch.
{16077}{16117}Good news, Your Highness.
{16121}{16264}This evening I will carve the Duke into a piece|of furniture with some excellent dental work.
{16264}{16337}Your Highness?
Your Highness!
{16340}{16415}Oh, thank God it's you, Blackadder.
{16418}{16507}I've just had word from Wellington,|he's on his way here now.
{16509}{16590}The Duke must believe from the very start|that I am you.
{16592}{16670}- Any ideas?|- There's no alternative, we must swap clothes.
{16673}{16770}Fantastic, yes, dressing up.
I love it.
{16772}{16837}It's just like that story,|"The Prince And The Porpoise".
{16840}{16878}"...and the Pauper" {16882}{16993}Oh, yes!|"The Prince and the Porpoise and the Pauper".
{17041}{17143}Excellent, excellent.|Why, my own father wouldn't recognise me.
{17144}{17220}Your own father never can.
He's mad.
{17223}{17323}Unfortunately, sir, you do realise|that I shall have to treat you like a servant?
{17325}{17392}Oh, I think I can cope with that, Blackadder.
{17395}{17483}And you will have to get used to calling me|"Your Highness", Your Highness.
{17485}{17604}{y:i}- Your Highness, Your Highness.|- No, just "Your Highness", Your Highness.
{17605}{17712}That's what I said, "Your Highness,|Your Highness", Your Highness, Your Highness.
{17714}{17827}Yes, let's just leave that for now, shall we?|Complicated stuff obviously.
{17828}{17887}Big Nose is here...
{17890}{18023}- But what?
Who?
Where?
How?|- Don't even try to work it out, Baldrick.
{18024}{18124}Two people you know well have exchanged coats|and now you don't know which is which.
{18125}{18257}I must say I'm pretty confused myself!|Which one of us is Wellington?
{18287}{18363}Wellington is the man at the door.
{18366}{18461}And the porpoise?
{18493}{18613}Hasn't arrived yet, sir.|We'll just have to fill in as best we can without it.
{18614}{18730}- Sir, if you would let the Duke in.|- Certainly, Your Highness, Your Highness.
{18731}{18804}And you'd better get out too, Baldrick.
{18807}{18870}Yes, Your Highness, Your Highness.
{18873}{18990}Oh, God!|If only they had a brain cell between them.
{18991}{19033}The Duke of Wellington!
{19037}{19100}Have I the honour|of addressing the Prince Regent, sir?
{19103}{19149}You do.
{19153}{19264}Congratulations, Highness,|your bearing is far nobler than I'd been informed.
{19266}{19381}Take my hat at once, sir, and be quicker|about it than you were with the door!
{19382}{19444}- Yes, my Lord.|- I'm a Duke, not a Lord!
{19447}{19583}Where were you trained, a dago dancing class?|Shall I have my people thrash him for you?
{19583}{19652}No, he's very new.|At the moment I'm sparing the rod.
{19655}{19729}Fatal error.
Give them an inch|and before you know it they've got a foot, {19732}{19806}much more than that|and you don't have a leg to stand on.
{19809}{19866}Get out!
{19869}{19920}Now, sir, to business.
{19924}{20003}I am informed that your royal father|grows ever more eccentric {20006}{20140}and at present believes himself to be|"a small village in Lincolnshire, {20140}{20239}commanding spectacular views|of the Nene valley".
{20241}{20367}I therefore pass my full account of the war|on to you, the Prince of Wales.
{20367}{20435}"We won."
Signed Wellington.
{20438}{20517}Well, that seems to sum it up very well.|Was there anything else?
{20520}{20616}Two other trifling affairs, sir.|The men had a whip-round and got you this.
{20618}{20712}Well, what I mean is, I had the men|roundly whipped until they got you this.
{20714}{20845}It's a cigarillo-case engraved with the regimental|crest of two crossed dead Frenchmen, {20845}{20933}emblazoned on a mound|of dead Frenchmen motif.
{20936}{21022}Thank you very much.|And the other trifling thing?
{21024}{21121}- Your impending death, Highness.|- Yes, of course, mind like a sieve.
{21123}{21186}I can not deny I'm looking forward to it.
{21189}{21290}Britain has the finest trade,|the finest armies, the finest navies in the world.
{21292}{21398}And what do we have for royalty?|A mad Kraut sausage sucker {21399}{21494}and a son who can't keep|his own sausage to himself.
{21496}{21557}- The sooner you're dead the better.|- You're very kind.
{21560}{21632}Now, you're no doubt anxious|to catch up with the news of the war.
{21635}{21705}I have here the most recent briefs|from my general in the field.
{21708}{21808}Yes, well if you could just pop them|in the laundry basket on the way out.
Tea?
{21810}{21896}Yes, immediately.
{21899}{21977}Now, let's turn to the second front, my Lord.
{21980}{22076}Now, as I understand it,|Napoleon is in North Africa.
{22078}{22168}- And Nelson is stationed in...|- Alaska, Your Highness.
{22170}{22306}In case Bony should try and trick us|by coming via the North Pole.
{22311}{22411}Perhaps a preferable stratagem, Your Grace,|might be to harry him amid-ships {22413}{22526}as he leaves the Mediterranean.|Trafalgar might be quite a good spot.
{22527}{22597}Trafalgar?
Well, I'll mention it to Nelson.
{22600}{22668}I'm beginning to regret|the necessity of killing you, Your Highness.
{22671}{22770}I'd been told by everybody|that the Prince was a confounded moron.
{22772}{22873}- Oh, no.|- Here's that tiresome servant of yours again.
{22874}{22929}Budge up, budge up.
{22933}{23018}How dare you|sit in the presence of your betters!
Get up!
{23020}{23104}- Cripes, yes, I forgot.|- You speak when you're spoken to.
{23107}{23232}Unless you want to be flayed|across a gun carriage.
Well?
{23233}{23365}Sir, I fear you have been too long a soldier.
We no|longer treat servants that way in London society.
{23365}{23464}- Why, I hardly touched the man!|- I think you hit him very hard.
{23466}{23561}Nonsense! "
That" would have been a hard hit.
{23563}{23621}I just hit him like that.
{23624}{23712}No, sir, a soft hit would be like this.
{23714}{23820}Whereas you hit him like this.
{23884}{24040}Please, um, I wonder if I might be excused,|Your Highness, Your Highness.
{24040}{24099}Certainly.
{24102}{24170}I'm sorry about that, sir,|but one has to keep up the pretence.
{24173}{24299}- I quite understand.
You carry on the good work.|- Very well, sir.
{24300}{24424}Hang on, this is bloody coffee!
I ordered tea!
{24425}{24488}You really are a confounded fool, aren't you?
{24491}{24631}I'd heard that the Prince was an imbecile, whereas|his servant Blackadder was respected about town.
{24631}{24807}Now that I discover the truth,|I'm disposed to beat you to death.
Tea!
{24902}{24994}Tell me, do you ever stop bullying|and shouting at the lower orders?
{24996}{25127}Never!
There's only one way to win a|campaign: Shout, shout and shout again!
{25127}{25263}You don't think then that inspired leadership|and tactical ability have anything to do with it?
{25264}{25344}No!
It's all down to shouting.
{25404}{25466}I hear that conditions in your army are appalling.
{25469}{25562}Well, I'm sorry, but those are my conditions|and you'll just have to accept them.
{25564}{25640}That is until this evening|when I shall kill you.
{25643}{25722}- Who knows, maybe I shall kill you.|- Nonsense.
{25724}{25852}I've never been so much as scratched,|my skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom.
{25853}{25938}Which is more than you can say for my bottom.
{25940}{26042}One point, sir.
I should, perhaps,|warn you that while duelling {26044}{26127}I tend to put on my lucky wig|and regimental accent.
{26129}{26174}That won't help you.
{26178}{26326}It would take a homicidal maniac|in a claymore and a kilt to get the better of me.
{26326}{26373}Well, that's handy.
{26377}{26473}I'm not leaving this kitchen|until that man is out of the house.
{26517}{26608}It's all right, Your Majesty,|don't worry, I'll deal with this.
{26610}{26710}Hello, Baldrick.
I've brought your buns.|Where's Mr Blackadder?
{26712}{26903}Oh, not upstairs still, running about after that|port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly-boots?
{26901}{27025}- I don't know who you mean.|- Prince George, Baldrick.
{27026}{27145}His boots smell so bad a man would need to have|his nose amputated before taking them off.
{27146}{27236}- Well, that's what Mr Blackadder says.|- As a joke.
{27238}{27312}Didn't you write a little poem|about him last week?
{27315}{27379}- No, I didn't.|- Oh, you did.
{27382}{27563}"In the winter it's cool, in the summer it's hot,|but all the year round, Prince George is a clot."
{27561}{27651}A lovely.|I said Prince George is a lovely.
{27653}{27790}I'd better be off anyway.
Tell Mr Blackadder|to expect Mr McAdder at five o'clock.
{27791}{27973}As soon as that fat Prussian truffle-pig has got|his snout wedged into a bucket of tea-cakes.
{27971}{28051}It must be next door you're wanting, {28054}{28158}strange woman|whom I've never seen before, Mrs Miggins.
{28159}{28244}Baldrick!
Is it true?
{28247}{28373}Did you really write a poem|about how lovely I am?
{28392}{28484}Yes, and Mr Blackadder loves you too.
{28486}{28567}I must say I find that very touching.
I do.
{28569}{28640}I wish they wouldn't keep on doing that.
{28643}{28781}Goodbye, sir.|And may the best man win - i.e.
Me.
{28777}{28830}- Your tea, sir.|- You're late!
{28834}{28927}Where the hell have you been for it?
India?
{28929}{29039}- Or Ceylon?|- Or China?
{29057}{29215}Don't bother to show me the way out.
I don't want|to die of old age before I get to the front door.
{29214}{29321}Ah!
Miggins.
So where's McAdder?|I thought he was going to be here at five o'clock.
{29323}{29379}Yes, I'm sorry.
He's just popped out.
{29382}{29493}You look ever so similar to each other,|you know, it's quite eerie.
{29494}{29607}- Look, did you tell him to be here or not?|- I did, you just keep missing each other.
{29609}{29718}- I can't imagine why.|- I'll tell you why!
{29719}{29816}It's because there's no coffee shop in England|big enough for two Blackadders.
{29818}{29908}Ah!
Good day, cousin McAdder.|I trust you are well.
{29910}{29954}Aye, well enough.
{29958}{30016}- And Morag?|- She bides fine.
{30019}{30094}And how stands that mighty army,|the clan McAdder?
{30097}{30175}They're both well.
{30178}{30256}I always thought|that Jamie and Angus were such fine boys.
{30258}{30340}- Angus is a girl.|- Of course.
{30343}{30433}So, tell me, cousin,|I hear you have a cunning plan.
{30435}{30481}I do, I do.
{30485}{30620}I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent|and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel.
{30620}{30730}- Aye, and what's in it for me?|- Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides.
{30732}{30828}- What do you think?|- Fourteen shillings and sixpence?
{30830}{30920}Well, it's tempting.|But I've got an even better plan.
{30922}{31035}Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington|and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel?
{31036}{31168}Then I could kill the King and be crowned|with the ancient stone bonnet of McAdder.
{31168}{31340}And I shall wear the granite gown and limestone|bodice of MacMiggins, Queen of all the herds.
{31339}{31406}Look, for God's sake, McAdder, you're not Rob Roy.
{31409}{31512}You're a top kipper salesman|with a reputable firm of Aberdeen fishmongers.
{31514}{31640}Don't throw it all away.
If you kill the Prince|they'll just send the bailiffs round and arrest you.
{31641}{31698}Oh blast, I forgot the bailiffs.
{31701}{31787}- So we can return to our original plan then?|- No, I'm not interested.
{31789}{31854}I'd rather go to bed|with the Loch Lomond monster.
{31858}{31917}And I have to be back in the office on Friday.
{31920}{32059}I promised Mr McNaulty I'd shift|a particularly difficult bloater for him.
{32059}{32124}Forget the whole thing.|I'm off home with Miggsy.
{32127}{32296}Yes, yes.
Show me the glen where the kipper|roams free.
And forget Morag forever.
{32295}{32357}No, never.
I must do right by Morag.
{32360}{32452}We must return to Scotland and you must|fight her in the old Highland way - {32455}{32538}bare-breasted|and each carrying an eight pound baby.
{32540}{32619}Yes!
I love babies.
{32622}{32727}You're a woman of spirit!
I look forward|to burying you in the old Highland manner.
{32728}{32825}Farewell, Blackadder, you spineless goon.
{32827}{33012}Oh, God!|Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more.
{33010}{33161}Ah, Blackadder.
It has been a wild afternoon|full of strange omens.
{33161}{33243}I dreamt that a large eagle|circled the room three times, {33245}{33310}and then got into bed with me|and took all the blankets.
{33314}{33410}And then I saw that it wasn't an eagle at all|but a large black snake.
{33412}{33515}Also, Duncan's horses did turn|and eat each other - as usual.
{33516}{33632}- Good portents for your duel, do you think?|- Not very good, sir.
I'm afraid the duel is off.
{33633}{33718}- Off?|- As in "sod".
I'm not doing it.
{33721}{33852}By thunder, here's a pretty game.
You will stay,|sir, and do duty by your Prince or I shall...
{33852}{33995}Or what, you port-brained twerp?|I've looked after you all my life.
{33995}{34120}Even when we were babies I had to show you|which bit of your mother was serving the drinks.
{34121}{34212}Please, please, you've got to help me.|I don't want to die.
{34214}{34343}- I've got so much to give.
I want more time.|- A poignant plea, sir.
{34343}{34468}But the answer, I'm afraid, must remain:|"You're going to die, fat pig".
{34469}{34581}Oh, wait, wait!
I'll give you everything.
{34599}{34698}Everything?|The money, the castles, the jewellery?
{34700}{34795}The highly artistic|but also highly illegal set of French lithographs?
{34797}{34827}Everything.
{34831}{34936}The amusing clock where the little man comes out|and drops his trousers every half hour?
{34938}{35005}- Yes, yes, all right.|- Very well, I accept.
{35008}{35120}A man may fight for many things:|His country, his principles, his friends, {35121}{35193}the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child.
{35196}{35286}But personally|I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, {35288}{35421}an amusing clock,|and a sack of French porn.
You're on.
{35481}{35514}Here's the plan.
{35518}{35659}When he offers me the swords, I kick him|in the nuts and you set fire to the building.
{35659}{35726}In the confusion we claim a draw.
{35729}{35795}Your Highness, let's be about our business.
{35799}{35906}Don't forget, Baldrick.
You...
when I...
{35907}{36015}Come, sir.
Choose your stoker.
{36035}{36163}- Are we going to tickle each other to death?|- No, sir.
We fight with cannon.
{36163}{36227}But I thought we were fighting with swords.
{36231}{36371}What do you think this is, the Middle Ages?|Only girls fight with swords these days.
{36371}{36461}Stand by your gun, sir.|Hup two three!
Hup two three!
{36463}{36494}Wait a minute!
{36498}{36621}Stand by cannon for loading procedure.|Stoke!
Muzzle!
Wrench!
{36622}{36804}"Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong|Whitworth four-pounder cannonette."
{36803}{36955}"Please read instructions carefully and it should|give years of trouble-free maiming."
{36954}{37012}Check elevation!
{37016}{37132}Chart trajectory!
Prime fuse!
Aim!
{37133}{37209}- Wait a minute.|- Fire!
{37223}{37376}- Mr B!
Sir, please help me get his coat off.|- Leave it, Baldrick.
It doesn't matter.
{37376}{37465}Yes it does.
Blood's hell to shift.|I want to get it in to soak.
{37467}{37540}You die like a man, sir - in combat.
{37543}{37662}You think so?
Dammit, we must build|a better world.
When will the killing end?
{37663}{37727}You don't think I too dream of peace?
{37730}{37861}You don't think that I too yearn to end|this damn dirty job we call soldiering?
{37861}{37973}Frankly, no.
My final wish on this Earth|is that Baldrick be sold {37975}{38058}to provide funds|for a Blackadder foundation to promote peace {38060}{38188}and to do research into the possibility|of an automatic machine for cleaning shoes.
{38189}{38262}And so I charge...
{38264}{38317}His Highness is dead.
{38321}{38384}Actually, I'm not sure I am.
{38387}{38554}That cigarillo-box you gave me was placed exactly|at the point where the cannon-ball struck.
{38553}{38631}I always said smoking was good for you.
{38634}{38748}Honour is satisfied.|God clearly preserves you for greatness.
{38749}{38815}His Highness is saved.
Hurrah!
{38818}{38946}Um, no actually, it's me.
I'm His Highness.|Well done, Bladders, glad you made it.
{38947}{39055}What in the name of Bonaparte's balls|is this fellow doing now?
{39056}{39170}No, I really am the Prince.
It was all just larks,|and darn fine larks at that I thought.
{39171}{39277}I have never, in all my campaigns,|encountered such insolence!
{39279}{39405}Your master survives an honourable duel|and you cheek him like a French whoopsy!
{39406}{39515}I can contain myself no longer!
{39533}{39680}I die.
I hope men will say of me|that I did duty by my country.
{39680}{39804}I think that's pretty unlikely, sir.
If I was you|I'd try for something a bit more realistic.
{39805}{39909}- Like what?|- You hope that men will think of you as a thicky.
{39911}{39999}All right, I'll hope that.|Toodle-oo, everyone.
{40001}{40062}Kneel for His Majesty, the King of England!
{40065}{40138}Somebody told me my son was here.
{40141}{40373}I wish him to marry this rose-bush.|I want to make the wedding arrangements.
{40379}{40448}Here I am, Daddy.
{40451}{40554}This is the Iron Duke Wellington,|commander of all your armed forces.
{40556}{40628}Yes, I recognised the enormous conk.
{40630}{40735}- He's a hero.
A man of wit and discretion.|- Bravo!
{40737}{40889}You know, my son, for the first time in my life|I have a real fatherly feeling about you.
{40889}{41036}People may say I'm stark raving mad|and say the word Penguin after each sentence, {41035}{41132}but I believe that we two can make Britain great, {41134}{41262}you as the Prince Regent and I as King Penguin.
{41263}{41301}Well, let's hope, eh?
{41305}{41372}Wellington, will you come|and dine with us at the palace?
{41375}{41455}- My family have a lot to thank you for.|- With great pleasure.
{41458}{41565}Your father may be as mad as a balloon,|but I think you have the makings of a fine king.
{41566}{41648}{y:i}Eine wunderbare Hochzeit ja!
{41651}{41775}Baldrick, clear away that dead butler, will you?
{41817}{42012}There's a new star in heaven tonight.|A new freckle on the nose of the giant pixie.
{42015}{42156}No, actually Baldrick, I'm not dead.|You see, I had a cigarillo-box too, look.
{42157}{42258}Oh, damn, I must have left it on the dresser...
{1347}{1480}Leave me alone Baldrick.
If I'd wanted to talk to|a vegetable I'd have bought one at the market.
{1480}{1538}- Don't you want this message?|- No, thank you.
{1541}{1635}God, I'm wasted here.|It's no life for a man of noble blood {1637}{1805}being servant to a master with the intellect of a|jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty.
{1804}{1919}I'm wasted too.|I've been thinking of bettering myself.
{1920}{2016}I applied for the job|of village idiot of Kensington.
{2018}{2079}- Get anywhere?|- I got down to the last two.
{2083}{2148}- But I failed the final interview.|- What went wrong?
{2151}{2255}I turned up.|The other bloke was such an idiot he forgot to.
{2256}{2363}I'm afraid my ambitions stretch slightly further|than professional idiocy in West London.
{2365}{2500}I want to be remembered when I'm dead.
I want|books written about me, songs sung about me.
{2500}{2584}And then, hundreds of years from now,|I want episodes from my life {2587}{2735}to be played out weekly at half past nine|by some great heroic actor of the age.
{2734}{2842}Yeah, and I could be played|by some tiny tit in a beard.
{2844}{2915}- Quite.
Now, what's this message?|- I thought you didn't want it.
{2918}{2990}- I may do.
It depends what it is.|- So you do want it?
{2993}{3102}- Well, I don't know, do I?
It depends what it is.|- I can't tell you unless you want to know.
{3103}{3193}Now I'm so confused I don't know|where I live or what my name is.
{3195}{3342}Your name is of no importance and you live|in the pipe in the upstairs water-closet.
{3342}{3459}Was the man who gave you this, by any chance,|a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and a claymore?
{3460}{3537}Yeah, and the funny thing is,|he looked exactly like you.
{3540}{3670}My mad cousin McAdder.
The most dangerous|man ever to wear a skirt in Europe.
{3670}{3749}Yeah, he came in here playing the bagpipes, {3752}{3849}then he made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne|and punched me in the face.
{3851}{3944}- Why?|- I called him a knock-kneed Scottish pillock.
{3946}{4058}An unwise action, Baldrick,|since Mad McAdder is a homicidal maniac.
{4059}{4125}My mother told me to stand up|to homicidal maniacs.
{4128}{4278}If this is the same mother who claimed|that you were a tall, handsome, stallion of a man, {4278}{4367}- I should treat her opinions with caution.|- I love my mum.
{4369}{4462}And I love chops and sauce,|but I don't seek their advice.
{4464}{4619}I hate it when McAdder turns up.
He's such a|frog-eyed, beetle-browed basket-case.
{4619}{4683}- He's the spitting image of you.|- No, he's not!
{4686}{4789}We're about as similar|as two completely dissimilar things in a pod.
{4790}{4906}What's the old tartan throw-back|banging on about this time?
{4907}{5013}"Have come South for rebellion."|Oh, God.
Surprise, surprise.
{5015}{5115}"Staying with Miggins...|the time has come...
best sword in Scotland...
{5117}{5258}insurrection...
blood...
large bowl of porridge...|rightful claim to throne..."
{5258}{5311}He's mad.
He's mad.
{5314}{5459}He's madder than Mad Jack McMad the winner|of last year's Mr Madman competition.
{5503}{5599}Ah!
The walrus awakes.
{5600}{5700}Blackadder, notice anything unusual?
{5702}{5802}Yes, sir, it's 11:30 in the morning|and you're moving about.
{5804}{5876}Is the bed on fire?
{5879}{5976}Well, I wouldn't know,|I've been out "all night".
{5978}{6079}Guess what I've been doing?
Wraaarrhhh...
{6080}{6181}- Beagling, sir?|- Better even than that.
{6183}{6288}Sink me, Blackadder, if I haven't just had|the most wonderful evening of my life.
{6290}{6332}Tell me all, sir.
{6336}{6472}As you know, when I set out I looked divine.|At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned.
{6472}{6549}- And I dare say, quite a few stomachs.|- Well, that's right.
{6552}{6697}And then these two ravishing beauties|came up to me and whispered in my ear {6697}{6759}that they loved me.
{6762}{6907}- And what happened after you woke up?|- This was no dream, Blackadder.
{6907}{7025}Five minutes later I was in a coach flying through|the London night bound for the ladies' home.
{7026}{7188}And which ladies' home is this?
A home for the|elderly or a home for the mentally disadvantaged?
{7187}{7279}No, no, no.|This was Apsley House.
Do you know it?
{7281}{7406}Yes, sir.
It is the seat of the Duke of Wellington.|Those ladies, I fancy, would be his nieces.
{7407}{7495}Oh, so you fancy them too?|Well, I don't blame you.
{7497}{7605}I spent a night of ecstasy|with a pair of Wellingtons and I loved it.
{7607}{7699}Sir, it may interest you to know|that the Iron Duke has always let it be known {7701}{7824}that he will kill in cold blood anyone who takes|sexual advantage of any of his relatives.
{7824}{7913}Yes, but big-nose Wellington is in Spain|fighting the French - he'll never know.
{7916}{7979}On the contrary, sir.|Wellington triumphed six months ago.
{7982}{8066}- I'm dead.|- It would seem so, sir.
{8068}{8170}- I haven't got a prayer, have I, Blackadder?|- Against throat-slasher Wellington, {8172}{8261}the finest blade His Majesty commands?|Not really, no.
{8263}{8332}Then I shall flee.|How's your French, Blackadder?
{8335}{8418}{y:i}Parfait, monsieur.|But I fear France will not be far enough.
{8420}{8551}- Well, how's your Mongolian?|- Mmm, "chang hatang motzo motzo".
{8552}{8672}But I fear Wellington is a close personal friend|of the chief Mongol.
They were at Eton together.
{8673}{8746}I'm doomed.
Doomed as the dodo.
{8749}{8829}Oh, my God, he's here, Wellington's here already!
{8831}{8979}Oh, Your Grace, forgive me.
I didn't know what I|was doing.
I was a mad, sexually overactive fool.
{8979}{9058}Sir, it's Baldrick.
You're perfectly safe.
{9061}{9091}Hurrah!
{9095}{9159}- Until six o'clock tonight.|- Hurrooh.
{9162}{9226}From the Supreme Commander,|Allied Forces Europe.
{9230}{9386}"Sir, prince or pauper, when a man|soils a Wellington he puts his foot in it."
{9385}{9569}"This is not a joke.
I do not find my name|remotely funny, and people who do, end up dead."
{9567}{9672}"I challenge you to a duel tonight|at eighteen hundred hours in which you will die."
{9674}{9789}"Yours, with sincere apologies for your impending|slaughter, Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington."
{9790}{9844}Sounds a nice, polite sort of bloke.
{9908}{10000}Don't worry, sir, please.|Just consider that life is a valley of woe {10002}{10071}filled with pain, misery, hunger and despair.
{10074}{10206}Not for me.
As far as I'm concerned life is|a big palace full of food, drink and comfy sofas.
{10207}{10293}- May I speak, sir?|- Certainly not, Baldrick!
{10295}{10368}The Prince is about to die.|The last thing he wants to do {10371}{10462}is exchange pleasantries|with a certified plum-duff.
{10464}{10520}Easy, Blackadder, let's hear him out.
{10523}{10623}Very well, Baldrick.|We shall hear you out, then throw you out.
{10625}{10778}Well, Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan|which could get you out of this problem.
{10778}{10865}Don't listen to him, sir.|It's a cruel proletarian trick to raise your hopes.
{10867}{10950}I shall have him shot the moment|he's finished clearing away your breakfast.
{10952}{11081}No, wait.
Perhaps this disgusting degraded|creature is some sort of blessing in disguise.
{11082}{11137}Well, if he is, it's a very good disguise.
{11141}{11265}After all, did not our Lord send a lowly|earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?
{11265}{11291}No.
{11296}{11394}Well, it's the sort of thing he might have|done.
Well, come on, Mr Spotty, speak.
{11396}{11520}Well, Your Majesty, I just thought -|this Wellington bloke's been in Europe for years.
{11521}{11598}He don't know what you looks like.
{11600}{11714}So why don't you get someone else|to fight the duel instead of you?
{11716}{11804}But I'm the Prince Regent!|My portrait hangs on every wall!
{11806}{11857}Answer that, Baldrick.
{11860}{11944}My cousin Bert Baldrick,|Mr Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, {11947}{12104}he says that all portraits look the same these|days, 'cause they're painted to a romantic ideal, {12103}{12253}rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic|facial qualities of the person in question.
{12253}{12351}Your cousin Bert obviously has|a larger vocabulary than you do, Baldrick.
{12353}{12494}He's right, damn him!
Anybody could fight|the duel and Wellers would never know.
{12494}{12642}Baldrick's plan does seem to hinge on finding|someone willing to commit suicide on your behalf.
{12642}{12722}Yes, but he would be fabulously rewarded.
{12724}{12808}- Money, titles, castles...|- Coffin.
{12811}{12914}That's right, I thought maybe Mr Blackadder|himself would fancy the job.
{12915}{12975}What a splendid idea!
{12979}{13096}Excuse me, Your Highness.|Trouble with the staff.
{13148}{13203}Baldrick, does it have to be this way?
{13206}{13298}Our valued friendship ending|with me cutting you into long strips {13300}{13449}and telling the Prince that you walked over a very|sharp cattle-grid in an extremely heavy hat?
{13449}{13602}Mr Blackadder, you was only just saying|in the kitchen how you wanted to rise again.
{13602}{13682}But, tiny, tiny brain, the Iron Duke will kill me.
{13684}{13786}To even think about taking him on you'd have|to be some kind of homicidal maniac {13788}{13888}who was fantastically good at fighting,|like McAdder...
{13890}{13951}McAdder could fight the duel for me!
{13954}{14084}My apologies, sir.
I was just having a word|with my insurance people.
{14084}{14162}Obviously I would be delighted|to die on your behalf.
{14165}{14259}God's toenails, Blackadder, I'm most damnably|grateful.
You won't regret this you know.
{14261}{14370}Well, that's excellent.
There's just one point,|though, sir, re: The suicide policy.
{14371}{14499}There is an unusual clause which states|that the policyholder must wear a big red wig {14500}{14567}and affect a Scottish accent in the combat zone.
{14570}{14645}Small print, eh?
{14671}{14783}Ah, Mrs Miggins.
Am I to gather|from your look of pie-eyed exhaustion {14784}{14846}and the globules of porridge hanging off the walls {14849}{14926}that my cousin McAdder|has presented his credentials?
{14929}{15010}Oh yes, indeed, sir.
You've just missed him.
{15013}{15136}- I hope he's been practising with his claymore.|- Oh, I should say so!
{15136}{15241}I'm as weary as a dog with no legs|that's just climbed Ben Nevis.
{15243}{15297}A claymore is a sword, Mrs Miggins.
{15300}{15393}See this intricate wood carving|of the infant Samuel at prayer?
{15396}{15488}He whittled that with the tip of his|mighty weapon with his eyes closed.
{15490}{15526}Yes, exquisite.
{15530}{15602}He bid me bite on a plank,|there was a whirlwind of steel, {15605}{15725}and within a minute three men lay dead|and I had a lovely new set of gnashers.
{15726}{15862}Just tell him to meet me here at five o'clock|to discuss an extremely cunning plan.
{15862}{15999}If all goes well, by tomorrow the clan of McAdder|will be marching the high road back to glory.
{15999}{16074}I'll do you a nice packed lunch.
{16077}{16117}Good news, Your Highness.
{16121}{16264}This evening I will carve the Duke into a piece|of furniture with some excellent dental work.
{16264}{16337}Your Highness?
Your Highness!
{16340}{16415}Oh, thank God it's you, Blackadder.
{16418}{16507}I've just had word from Wellington,|he's on his way here now.
{16509}{16590}The Duke must believe from the very start|that I am you.
{16592}{16670}- Any ideas?|- There's no alternative, we must swap clothes.
{16673}{16770}Fantastic, yes, dressing up.
I love it.
{16772}{16837}It's just like that story,|"The Prince And The Porpoise".
{16840}{16878}"...and the Pauper" {16882}{16993}Oh, yes!|"The Prince and the Porpoise and the Pauper".
{17041}{17143}Excellent, excellent.|Why, my own father wouldn't recognise me.
{17144}{17220}Your own father never can.
He's mad.
{17223}{17323}Unfortunately, sir, you do realise|that I shall have to treat you like a servant?
{17325}{17392}Oh, I think I can cope with that, Blackadder.
{17395}{17483}And you will have to get used to calling me|"Your Highness", Your Highness.
{17485}{17604}{y:i}- Your Highness, Your Highness.|- No, just "Your Highness", Your Highness.
{17605}{17712}That's what I said, "Your Highness,|Your Highness", Your Highness, Your Highness.
{17714}{17827}Yes, let's just leave that for now, shall we?|Complicated stuff obviously.
{17828}{17887}Big Nose is here...
{17890}{18023}- But what?
Who?
Where?
How?|- Don't even try to work it out, Baldrick.
{18024}{18124}Two people you know well have exchanged coats|and now you don't know which is which.
{18125}{18257}I must say I'm pretty confused myself!|Which one of us is Wellington?
{18287}{18363}Wellington is the man at the door.
{18366}{18461}And the porpoise?
{18493}{18613}Hasn't arrived yet, sir.|We'll just have to fill in as best we can without it.
{18614}{18730}- Sir, if you would let the Duke in.|- Certainly, Your Highness, Your Highness.
{18731}{18804}And you'd better get out too, Baldrick.
{18807}{18870}Yes, Your Highness, Your Highness.
{18873}{18990}Oh, God!|If only they had a brain cell between them.
{18991}{19033}The Duke of Wellington!
{19037}{19100}Have I the honour|of addressing the Prince Regent, sir?
{19103}{19149}You do.
{19153}{19264}Congratulations, Highness,|your bearing is far nobler than I'd been informed.
{19266}{19381}Take my hat at once, sir, and be quicker|about it than you were with the door!
{19382}{19444}- Yes, my Lord.|- I'm a Duke, not a Lord!
{19447}{19583}Where were you trained, a dago dancing class?|Shall I have my people thrash him for you?
{19583}{19652}No, he's very new.|At the moment I'm sparing the rod.
{19655}{19729}Fatal error.
Give them an inch|and before you know it they've got a foot, {19732}{19806}much more than that|and you don't have a leg to stand on.
{19809}{19866}Get out!
{19869}{19920}Now, sir, to business.
{19924}{20003}I am informed that your royal father|grows ever more eccentric {20006}{20140}and at present believes himself to be|"a small village in Lincolnshire, {20140}{20239}commanding spectacular views|of the Nene valley".
{20241}{20367}I therefore pass my full account of the war|on to you, the Prince of Wales.
{20367}{20435}"We won."
Signed Wellington.
{20438}{20517}Well, that seems to sum it up very well.|Was there anything else?
{20520}{20616}Two other trifling affairs, sir.|The men had a whip-round and got you this.
{20618}{20712}Well, what I mean is, I had the men|roundly whipped until they got you this.
{20714}{20845}It's a cigarillo-case engraved with the regimental|crest of two crossed dead Frenchmen, {20845}{20933}emblazoned on a mound|of dead Frenchmen motif.
{20936}{21022}Thank you very much.|And the other trifling thing?
{21024}{21121}- Your impending death, Highness.|- Yes, of course, mind like a sieve.
{21123}{21186}I can not deny I'm looking forward to it.
{21189}{21290}Britain has the finest trade,|the finest armies, the finest navies in the world.
{21292}{21398}And what do we have for royalty?|A mad Kraut sausage sucker {21399}{21494}and a son who can't keep|his own sausage to himself.
{21496}{21557}- The sooner you're dead the better.|- You're very kind.
{21560}{21632}Now, you're no doubt anxious|to catch up with the news of the war.
{21635}{21705}I have here the most recent briefs|from my general in the field.
{21708}{21808}Yes, well if you could just pop them|in the laundry basket on the way out.
Tea?
{21810}{21896}Yes, immediately.
{21899}{21977}Now, let's turn to the second front, my Lord.
{21980}{22076}Now, as I understand it,|Napoleon is in North Africa.
{22078}{22168}- And Nelson is stationed in...|- Alaska, Your Highness.
{22170}{22306}In case Bony should try and trick us|by coming via the North Pole.
{22311}{22411}Perhaps a preferable stratagem, Your Grace,|might be to harry him amid-ships {22413}{22526}as he leaves the Mediterranean.|Trafalgar might be quite a good spot.
{22527}{22597}Trafalgar?
Well, I'll mention it to Nelson.
{22600}{22668}I'm beginning to regret|the necessity of killing you, Your Highness.
{22671}{22770}I'd been told by everybody|that the Prince was a confounded moron.
{22772}{22873}- Oh, no.|- Here's that tiresome servant of yours again.
{22874}{22929}Budge up, budge up.
{22933}{23018}How dare you|sit in the presence of your betters!
Get up!
{23020}{23104}- Cripes, yes, I forgot.|- You speak when you're spoken to.
{23107}{23232}Unless you want to be flayed|across a gun carriage.
Well?
{23233}{23365}Sir, I fear you have been too long a soldier.
We no|longer treat servants that way in London society.
{23365}{23464}- Why, I hardly touched the man!|- I think you hit him very hard.
{23466}{23561}Nonsense! "
That" would have been a hard hit.
{23563}{23621}I just hit him like that.
{23624}{23712}No, sir, a soft hit would be like this.
{23714}{23820}Whereas you hit him like this.
{23884}{24040}Please, um, I wonder if I might be excused,|Your Highness, Your Highness.
{24040}{24099}Certainly.
{24102}{24170}I'm sorry about that, sir,|but one has to keep up the pretence.
{24173}{24299}- I quite understand.
You carry on the good work.|- Very well, sir.
{24300}{24424}Hang on, this is bloody coffee!
I ordered tea!
{24425}{24488}You really are a confounded fool, aren't you?
{24491}{24631}I'd heard that the Prince was an imbecile, whereas|his servant Blackadder was respected about town.
{24631}{24807}Now that I discover the truth,|I'm disposed to beat you to death.
Tea!
{24902}{24994}Tell me, do you ever stop bullying|and shouting at the lower orders?
{24996}{25127}Never!
There's only one way to win a|campaign: Shout, shout and shout again!
{25127}{25263}You don't think then that inspired leadership|and tactical ability have anything to do with it?
{25264}{25344}No!
It's all down to shouting.
{25404}{25466}I hear that conditions in your army are appalling.
{25469}{25562}Well, I'm sorry, but those are my conditions|and you'll just have to accept them.
{25564}{25640}That is until this evening|when I shall kill you.
{25643}{25722}- Who knows, maybe I shall kill you.|- Nonsense.
{25724}{25852}I've never been so much as scratched,|my skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom.
{25853}{25938}Which is more than you can say for my bottom.
{25940}{26042}One point, sir.
I should, perhaps,|warn you that while duelling {26044}{26127}I tend to put on my lucky wig|and regimental accent.
{26129}{26174}That won't help you.
{26178}{26326}It would take a homicidal maniac|in a claymore and a kilt to get the better of me.
{26326}{26373}Well, that's handy.
{26377}{26473}I'm not leaving this kitchen|until that man is out of the house.
{26517}{26608}It's all right, Your Majesty,|don't worry, I'll deal with this.
{26610}{26710}Hello, Baldrick.
I've brought your buns.|Where's Mr Blackadder?
{26712}{26903}Oh, not upstairs still, running about after that|port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly-boots?
{26901}{27025}- I don't know who you mean.|- Prince George, Baldrick.
{27026}{27145}His boots smell so bad a man would need to have|his nose amputated before taking them off.
{27146}{27236}- Well, that's what Mr Blackadder says.|- As a joke.
{27238}{27312}Didn't you write a little poem|about him last week?
{27315}{27379}- No, I didn't.|- Oh, you did.
{27382}{27563}"In the winter it's cool, in the summer it's hot,|but all the year round, Prince George is a clot."
{27561}{27651}A lovely.|I said Prince George is a lovely.
{27653}{27790}I'd better be off anyway.
Tell Mr Blackadder|to expect Mr McAdder at five o'clock.
{27791}{27973}As soon as that fat Prussian truffle-pig has got|his snout wedged into a bucket of tea-cakes.
{27971}{28051}It must be next door you're wanting, {28054}{28158}strange woman|whom I've never seen before, Mrs Miggins.
{28159}{28244}Baldrick!
Is it true?
{28247}{28373}Did you really write a poem|about how lovely I am?
{28392}{28484}Yes, and Mr Blackadder loves you too.
{28486}{28567}I must say I find that very touching.
I do.
{28569}{28640}I wish they wouldn't keep on doing that.
{28643}{28781}Goodbye, sir.|And may the best man win - i.e.
Me.
{28777}{28830}- Your tea, sir.|- You're late!
{28834}{28927}Where the hell have you been for it?
India?
{28929}{29039}- Or Ceylon?|- Or China?
{29057}{29215}Don't bother to show me the way out.
I don't want|to die of old age before I get to the front door.
{29214}{29321}Ah!
Miggins.
So where's McAdder?|I thought he was going to be here at five o'clock.
{29323}{29379}Yes, I'm sorry.
He's just popped out.
{29382}{29493}You look ever so similar to each other,|you know, it's quite eerie.
{29494}{29607}- Look, did you tell him to be here or not?|- I did, you just keep missing each other.
{29609}{29718}- I can't imagine why.|- I'll tell you why!
{29719}{29816}It's because there's no coffee shop in England|big enough for two Blackadders.
{29818}{29908}Ah!
Good day, cousin McAdder.|I trust you are well.
{29910}{29954}Aye, well enough.
{29958}{30016}- And Morag?|- She bides fine.
{30019}{30094}And how stands that mighty army,|the clan McAdder?
{30097}{30175}They're both well.
{30178}{30256}I always thought|that Jamie and Angus were such fine boys.
{30258}{30340}- Angus is a girl.|- Of course.
{30343}{30433}So, tell me, cousin,|I hear you have a cunning plan.
{30435}{30481}I do, I do.
{30485}{30620}I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent|and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel.
{30620}{30730}- Aye, and what's in it for me?|- Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides.
{30732}{30828}- What do you think?|- Fourteen shillings and sixpence?
{30830}{30920}Well, it's tempting.|But I've got an even better plan.
{30922}{31035}Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington|and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel?
{31036}{31168}Then I could kill the King and be crowned|with the ancient stone bonnet of McAdder.
{31168}{31340}And I shall wear the granite gown and limestone|bodice of MacMiggins, Queen of all the herds.
{31339}{31406}Look, for God's sake, McAdder, you're not Rob Roy.
{31409}{31512}You're a top kipper salesman|with a reputable firm of Aberdeen fishmongers.
{31514}{31640}Don't throw it all away.
If you kill the Prince|they'll just send the bailiffs round and arrest you.
{31641}{31698}Oh blast, I forgot the bailiffs.
{31701}{31787}- So we can return to our original plan then?|- No, I'm not interested.
{31789}{31854}I'd rather go to bed|with the Loch Lomond monster.
{31858}{31917}And I have to be back in the office on Friday.
{31920}{32059}I promised Mr McNaulty I'd shift|a particularly difficult bloater for him.
{32059}{32124}Forget the whole thing.|I'm off home with Miggsy.
{32127}{32296}Yes, yes.
Show me the glen where the kipper|roams free.
And forget Morag forever.
{32295}{32357}No, never.
I must do right by Morag.
{32360}{32452}We must return to Scotland and you must|fight her in the old Highland way - {32455}{32538}bare-breasted|and each carrying an eight pound baby.
{32540}{32619}Yes!
I love babies.
{32622}{32727}You're a woman of spirit!
I look forward|to burying you in the old Highland manner.
{32728}{32825}Farewell, Blackadder, you spineless goon.
{32827}{33012}Oh, God!|Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more.
{33010}{33161}Ah, Blackadder.
It has been a wild afternoon|full of strange omens.
{33161}{33243}I dreamt that a large eagle|circled the room three times, {33245}{33310}and then got into bed with me|and took all the blankets.
{33314}{33410}And then I saw that it wasn't an eagle at all|but a large black snake.
{33412}{33515}Also, Duncan's horses did turn|and eat each other - as usual.
{33516}{33632}- Good portents for your duel, do you think?|- Not very good, sir.
I'm afraid the duel is off.
{33633}{33718}- Off?|- As in "sod".
I'm not doing it.
{33721}{33852}By thunder, here's a pretty game.
You will stay,|sir, and do duty by your Prince or I shall...
{33852}{33995}Or what, you port-brained twerp?|I've looked after you all my life.
{33995}{34120}Even when we were babies I had to show you|which bit of your mother was serving the drinks.
{34121}{34212}Please, please, you've got to help me.|I don't want to die.
{34214}{34343}- I've got so much to give.
I want more time.|- A poignant plea, sir.
{34343}{34468}But the answer, I'm afraid, must remain:|"You're going to die, fat pig".
{34469}{34581}Oh, wait, wait!
I'll give you everything.
{34599}{34698}Everything?|The money, the castles, the jewellery?
{34700}{34795}The highly artistic|but also highly illegal set of French lithographs?
{34797}{34827}Everything.
{34831}{34936}The amusing clock where the little man comes out|and drops his trousers every half hour?
{34938}{35005}- Yes, yes, all right.|- Very well, I accept.
{35008}{35120}A man may fight for many things:|His country, his principles, his friends, {35121}{35193}the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child.
{35196}{35286}But personally|I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, {35288}{35421}an amusing clock,|and a sack of French porn.
You're on.
{35481}{35514}Here's the plan.
{35518}{35659}When he offers me the swords, I kick him|in the nuts and you set fire to the building.
{35659}{35726}In the confusion we claim a draw.
{35729}{35795}Your Highness, let's be about our business.
{35799}{35906}Don't forget, Baldrick.
You...
when I...
{35907}{36015}Come, sir.
Choose your stoker.
{36035}{36163}- Are we going to tickle each other to death?|- No, sir.
We fight with cannon.
{36163}{36227}But I thought we were fighting with swords.
{36231}{36371}What do you think this is, the Middle Ages?|Only girls fight with swords these days.
{36371}{36461}Stand by your gun, sir.|Hup two three!
Hup two three!
{36463}{36494}Wait a minute!
{36498}{36621}Stand by cannon for loading procedure.|Stoke!
Muzzle!
Wrench!
{36622}{36804}"Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong|Whitworth four-pounder cannonette."
{36803}{36955}"Please read instructions carefully and it should|give years of trouble-free maiming."
{36954}{37012}Check elevation!
{37016}{37132}Chart trajectory!
Prime fuse!
Aim!
{37133}{37209}- Wait a minute.|- Fire!
{37223}{37376}- Mr B!
Sir, please help me get his coat off.|- Leave it, Baldrick.
It doesn't matter.
{37376}{37465}Yes it does.
Blood's hell to shift.|I want to get it in to soak.
{37467}{37540}You die like a man, sir - in combat.
{37543}{37662}You think so?
Dammit, we must build|a better world.
When will the killing end?
{37663}{37727}You don't think I too dream of peace?
{37730}{37861}You don't think that I too yearn to end|this damn dirty job we call soldiering?
{37861}{37973}Frankly, no.
My final wish on this Earth|is that Baldrick be sold {37975}{38058}to provide funds|for a Blackadder foundation to promote peace {38060}{38188}and to do research into the possibility|of an automatic machine for cleaning shoes.
{38189}{38262}And so I charge...
{38264}{38317}His Highness is dead.
{38321}{38384}Actually, I'm not sure I am.
{38387}{38554}That cigarillo-box you gave me was placed exactly|at the point where the cannon-ball struck.
{38553}{38631}I always said smoking was good for you.
{38634}{38748}Honour is satisfied.|God clearly preserves you for greatness.
{38749}{38815}His Highness is saved.
Hurrah!
{38818}{38946}Um, no actually, it's me.
I'm His Highness.|Well done, Bladders, glad you made it.
{38947}{39055}What in the name of Bonaparte's balls|is this fellow doing now?
{39056}{39170}No, I really am the Prince.
It was all just larks,|and darn fine larks at that I thought.
{39171}{39277}I have never, in all my campaigns,|encountered such insolence!
{39279}{39405}Your master survives an honourable duel|and you cheek him like a French whoopsy!
{39406}{39515}I can contain myself no longer!
{39533}{39680}I die.
I hope men will say of me|that I did duty by my country.
{39680}{39804}I think that's pretty unlikely, sir.
If I was you|I'd try for something a bit more realistic.
{39805}{39909}- Like what?|- You hope that men will think of you as a thicky.
{39911}{39999}All right, I'll hope that.|Toodle-oo, everyone.
{40001}{40062}Kneel for His Majesty, the King of England!
{40065}{40138}Somebody told me my son was here.
{40141}{40373}I wish him to marry this rose-bush.|I want to make the wedding arrangements.
{40379}{40448}Here I am, Daddy.
{40451}{40554}This is the Iron Duke Wellington,|commander of all your armed forces.
{40556}{40628}Yes, I recognised the enormous conk.
{40630}{40735}- He's a hero.
A man of wit and discretion.|- Bravo!
{40737}{40889}You know, my son, for the first time in my life|I have a real fatherly feeling about you.
{40889}{41036}People may say I'm stark raving mad|and say the word Penguin after each sentence, {41035}{41132}but I believe that we two can make Britain great, {41134}{41262}you as the Prince Regent and I as King Penguin.
{41263}{41301}Well, let's hope, eh?
{41305}{41372}Wellington, will you come|and dine with us at the palace?
{41375}{41455}- My family have a lot to thank you for.|- With great pleasure.
{41458}{41565}Your father may be as mad as a balloon,|but I think you have the makings of a fine king.
{41566}{41648}{y:i}Eine wunderbare Hochzeit ja!
{41651}{41775}Baldrick, clear away that dead butler, will you?
{41817}{42012}There's a new star in heaven tonight.|A new freckle on the nose of the giant pixie.
{42015}{42156}No, actually Baldrick, I'm not dead.|You see, I had a cigarillo-box too, look.
{42157}{42258}Oh, damn, I must have left it on the dresser...