Programma Televisivo: Hotel Babylon - 3x1
London Town.
Where reputations and fortunes are won and lost in the blink of an eye.
Where you can be a lowly gate-keeper one day, 'and the king ofthe castle the next.
When is a hotel not a hotel?
All the time.
Hey presto, a magicians' convention.
A grand prix victory celebration.
Or the perfect venue from which to launch your new range 'of high street designer rip-offs for cash-strapped girls about town.
For the right price, we'll turn ourselves into whatever you want.
So, if y0u've worked up an appetite on the catwalk and want a three-course lunch consisting of six peas a fifth of a carrot, and a glass of freshly squeezed celeryjuice no problem.
If you want to celebrate with enough champagne to drown a horse no problem.
After the show if you want a bath filled with ass's milk no problem.
No questions asked except do you want it skimmed or semi-skimmed?
In many ways, fashion and hotels go hand in hand.
Ah, look at them all.
The 'beautiful' people.
Yes, but are they beautiful on the inside?
When they look that good on the outside, who cares?
We're both glamorous image obsessed and all about the money.
It's Christopher Price.
The Chairman of De Rigeur.
He is the only man who can make me look better with my clothes on.
Without De Rigeur I'd have to think very seriously whether I left my flat at night.
Let me make it easy for you.
0n behalf of London don't.
In the hotel business the unwritten rule is that it's never wrong to make money.
And yet sometimes just sometimes we are each called upon to stand up and be counted.
At such moments, the unwritten rule is put to the test.
For what does it profit a man if he should gain the whole world and lose his own soul?
' Oh, my God, it's the Astrix dress!
Gorgeous.
Go!
So this is what you call a toilet break.
I couldn't resist the temptation of seeing what I'll be wearing months before every woman in London.
Will you return to reception, where you actually work, or have we lost you forever?
When I was a girl, people were forever telling my mother that I could be a mod...
So, Tony Which show do you think would be better for me?
Les Mis or Phantom ofthe Opera?
Well, I think that Madam would find Les Mis most agreeable.
0h, sweet jesus, that is so cute.
Say it again.
What?
Most agreeable.
Most agreeable.
Wonderful.
Again.
Most agreeable.
One more time?
Madam...
At l??32pm, I officially turn 40 years old I beg you please don't let this be the prevailing memory of my 30s.
Happy birthday my 'most agreeable' man.
As I was saying before you walked off, I could have been a model.
Aside from your grace height and.
..looks what stopped you?
I was trampled by a horse when I was nine.
That accounts for the looks.
Broke my left ankle, left me with a limp until I was 15 by which time my ambitions had moved on from being gawped at by men.
Your room key, on the fourth floor.
Enjoy your stay 0h, I shall.
I can see y0u've really moved on.
Sure.
..
I'm expecting a courier parcel at any moment.
When it arrives, bring it to me.
A secret design incorporating De Rigeur's trademark tiny buttons bringing the show to a rousing finale, perchance?
just call me as soon as my parcel arrives Yes, sir.
Sir?
I couldn't help but notice that it says here that you're De Rigeur's European Sales Director And?
And,This is going to sound exceedingly naughty, but your Astrix dress...
It's going to be huge It's 0h, my God, it's amazing.
I was just wondering if there was a chance of getting my hands on one before it hits the shops.
You want me to find you an Astrix?
To be one of the first women to wear it would be...
I can't tell you what it would be like.
Yes, I can!
It would feel amazing I'd pay for it, of course.
Double if I have to.
You don't.
No, I really, really do.
Look, just call me as soon as my parcel arrives.
Time for the management meeting.
What?
Bloody hell!
It's her dentist, apparently.
That'd explain it What?
Why he is polishing her teeth with his tongue.
So come on, Gino, we're all dying to know what happened.
Well, I read that Vladimir Putin, he learn judo.
So I thinkl learnjudo and become a head barman of steel.
What they do?Put you on with a black belt?
No they put me in with the kids, you know, just beginner.
So what, a kid did it?
No, these kids are good, heh?
I'm sweating, so I take a shower.
Slip on my bar of soap, smash my arm on the tap.
Broke in three places.
Surprise!
# Happy birthday to you # # Happy birthday to you # # Happy birthday dear Tony...
# That's you!
# Happy birthday to you.
# Happy birthday, Tony.
Thank you very much.
Sorry I'm late I had an early morning dental appointment.
0h, you poor thing.
Did you get drilled?
Happy birthday, Tony.
Thank you, jackie.
We got you a present.
Ah, I think I know what that is.
After all, I've dropped enough hints.
And what might that be?
A digital radio, so I can listen to the footie when I'm on nights.
It's a ledger.
you know, write down all...
All my little errands.
That's great.
Thank you.
I'm gonna need that, cos the older I get, the more things I'll forget.
What we thought Yeah.
# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good...
# Shut up, Gino, before I break the other arm.
All set for another standing ovation?
Who would argue that this year hasn't been the dog's bollocks covered in chocolate?
Financially, that's undoubtedly true.
The only way that counts.
But doesn't there come a point where we have to consider precisely how we're able to be as successful as we are?
Everything in our garden is rosy, David.
Why do you want to come along, unzip your excellently tailored fly and piss all over the flowers?
This issue doesn't have to be negative for the company.
Handled properly, we could make a stand.
A tenner says whoever came up with that horseshit was never answerable to the bottom line.
Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for the man ofthe moment - Chairman and CE0 of De Rigeur Ltd - Mr Christopher Price!
OK.
Item two on the agenda - ajury from the Old Bailey unable to reach a verdict on a murder case.
So they're gonna stay in the hotel overnight to deliberate.
They'll be booking in under the pseudonym the West London Aquarium Association.
The court has requested just one point of contact with our staff for their stay.
Tony ?
Absolutely.
0h, come on, it's his l??th!
Yeah, I'm sure he's already got something else planned.
Well, I've never really been big on birthdays.
Your wife's probably planning to whisk you out for the night.
If she has, she hasn't said anything.
Wouldn't she anyway, as a surprise?
Then it wouldn't be a surprise.
Maybe the surprise isn't the act of surprising Tony.
Maybe it's what the surprise is gonna be.
Have you had a stroke?
Why don't we call her and find out?
Charlie, that's really unfair.
Sorry, but this could be the start of a lucrative new revenue stream for us midweek.
It's really important I've got my best man on it.
It's OK, fine, give her a call.
Speed dial 2.
OK, item three Tonight's banquet for De Rigeur's top brass and major investors.
james?
Once they've de-rigged the fashion show, we can turn the room back into a banqueting suite.
Meanwhile, Adam's well under way with the menu.
Good.
You've got your top boys and girls sewing?
Silver service to a gold standard.
Did you make that up yourself?
Well?
nothing planned.
Tone, the job's yours if you want it.
Quadruple pay, I hasten to add.
One for each decade.
OK, yeah, fine.
OK.
Right, I'm gonna get to work.
All good?
Thanks.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon, madam.
My wheel's broken.
I could fix that faster than a Lewis Hamilton pit stop.
I have no idea what you mean, but if you can fix it quickly, then thank you.
Round here, they call me 'the spanner'.
At my old school, that wouldn't have been a good thing.
Perhaps if madam removed her gum she would be able to taste that the wine is most definitely not corked.
I don't want to talk to you.
I want to speak to your supervisor.
Almost there.
You know, the...
President of Russia is a big fan ofjudo as well so when he come over to London he give me the call and I go to the spa with him.
As if by magic What can I say?
You're a spanner!
Thank you, madam.
Everything OK, Mr Price?
I was just wanting to say how well y0u've vindicated my decision to switch from the Burlington this year Very pleased to hear that.
Assuming tonight's dinner runs as smoothly...
You have my word on it.
Then in addition to next year's summer launch we'll switch all our events from The Burlington as a matter of course.
Word will spread about this place, Charlie.
I have a lot ofthe right kind of friends.
I look forward to welcoming them with open arms.
Yes.
The jury are due in two minutes.
OK.
I'lljust give this to Anna.
It's OK, I'll do that.
I want you to be here to meet the jury in person.
All right.
So, there's your room key.
Take the lift to the sixth floor, then turn left.
Thank you, Anna.
This package has been delivered.
Ooh!
I've been asked to look out for this, then call him when it arrives.
Well, it's arrived.
I've been meaning to say...
Congratulations, Charlie.
What for?
Rebecca's were tough shoes to fill.
We think you've done brilliantly.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
I hope you don't think I'm a kiss-arse.
Well, on balance, I'd prefer you kissed it than blew smoke up it.
Ooh, hello, Mr Duncan.
Chloe, can I have that now?
Mr Duncan.
Thank God.
Thank you.
My DVD.
just doing my job.
Look, if I was unpleasant earlier, I just want to apologise.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
No need to apologise.
Pressure is my middle name.
Not literally, cos that would be ridiculous.
Hang on, er, er...
You didn't get this from me, but let me guess.
Perfect size G?
I thought the only size perfect to you guys was a size zero?
Don't believe everything you read in magazines.
I don't know what to say!
Trust me, there's nothing you CAN say.
Look, if you want it, take it, it'sjust, I'm rather busy.
Thank you.
Ben, 13 members of the West London Aquatic...
Aquarium.
13 members ofthe West London Aquarium Club.
Association.
Does it really matter?
13 members of the West London Aquarium Association to check in, please.
Certainly, sir.
Cheers!
Does it really not bother you that De Rigeur's success is founded on the exploitation of a workforce you've never even seen?
We pay minimum wage for the region.
That's all anyone needs to know.
No, we pay our factory managers enough to pay the workers minimum wage, but they don't.
They dole out cornfeed and pocket the rest.
I make high fashion for the high street.
It's a tough market.
It isn't a fair world and I'm not bloody Michael Moore.
This is a DVD of secret footage of our factory, taken by an NGO in the region.
They're using children.
Our trademark tiny buttons are being sewn on by children as young as six.
There are people on the payroll whose job is to deal with it.
I have it on record that the children in our factory get one toilet break every seven hours.
If they ask for food, they're beaten.
This is too big for PR to swallow.
If this gets out, any woman with half a conscience would sooner wear rags from a dustbin.
So please Watch the DVD.
Do you seriously think I've got nothing better to do with my time?
You'll like it here.
It's a good place to think about the case.
Please don't talk about the case.
I wasn't talking ABOUT the case.
You said this was a good place to think about the case.
It is.
That's talking about the case.
Surely, that's talking about thinking.
About the case.
So?
So it's not your place to talk about thinking about the case.
My apologies to you all.
Apology accepted.
It's not do ....
I wasjust trying to be nice.
Are you the foreman of the jury?
You know I'm not.
Well, then.
Sixth floor.
OK, OK.
Thanks.
Are you all right?
Thank you.
They're venting their frustration at staying here instead of going home.
That's hardly your fault.
Well, it is, actually.
Um, you can let go of me now.
Oh, my God, I'm very, very sorry.
I can only apologise.
No apology necessary or required.
Um, I'm Tony by the way, if you need anything.
justine.
Who is it?
Room service.
just a minute.
0h.
You're not Tony.
Tony's busy.
Well, I didn't order any room service.
It's on the house.
Enjoy- White wine, please.
No problem.
Very nice of you.
I hope it's expensive.
Concierge.
Hello.
hello.
It's justine.
Hello, justine.
Is that really you?
What?
Hang on, I'll check for you.
Er, yes, I can confirm that it is me.
What's the name of the alias that the jury's booked in under?
The West London Aquarium Club.
Association, yeah, that's close enough.
Tony, I need you to come up to my room.
What for?
What for?
Because I need you now!
Everything OK?
Oh, I'm...
I'm fine.
You don't look fine.
I mean, you do look fine as in 'beautiful', if I may be so Italian.
But you don't look fine as in 'happy'.
Infact, the last person who looked as unhappy as you was my grandmother when she lost her dog.
0h, what happened?
Well, she was taking little Benito for a walk along the cliff tops near Sorrento.
she throw a stick for him to fetch Unfortunately, the stick was caught by a strong gusset of wind and it went over the edge ofthe cliff.
Determined to catch the stick, so did Benito.
0h..
That's a terrible story.
But it has a happy ending.
They found Benito.
Alive?!
No, washed up on the shore two days later, all broken and no eyes.
But he had the stick in his mouth.
In his last moments, just before the splat, little Benito must have been so pleased he caught that stick.
Oh!
Now you are smiling, that is better.
I'm, er, I'mjust under a lot of pressure from work.
0h.
What work do you do?
I'm a journalist.
I'm doing a piece about the little scams people get up to in the workplace.
Everyone I've spoken to in the hotel is too scared to reveal their wicked little secrets.
OK, look, because you have the most beautiful eyes I ever saw, I will tell you a little secret.
Oh!
Vote not guilty tomorrow and find 100 as much in this bank account.
' What's all this about?
I'm being nobbled.
I can see that!
But why you?
Nine of the jurors voted guilty, two say he's innocent, I think he's probably guilty, but there's not enough evidence.
The reason we're here is cos I can't make up my mind.
Well, if it's not safe, you say not guilty.
Then there's no majority verdict.
The case is thrown out and a possible murderer walks free.
I don't think I can live with that on my conscience.
Obviously, this 500,000 is to ease your conscience.
What do I do?
I'm merely hereto serve, not advise.
Come on, Tony, help me.
What are you doing?
I'm helping you by getting you a drink.
There.
Thanks.
A lesser man would have just given me the bottle.
Drink.
OK.
Now what?
OK.
Before you do anything, let's find out if this is true.
Be careful!
I'm only going to check my computer.
Well, don't delete anything important.
Charlie, can I talk to you?
What about?
What do you know about De Rigeur?
Only what I needed to woo them from the Burlington.
You don't know how they make their clothes or treat their workforce?
What are you talking about?!
That package that was delivered.
It's secret footage of slave labour and child abuse...
Hang on.
james, I got hold of the vintner.
He'll give us the same volume of Cristal for the Moet price.
Keep this up and we'll start calling you Midas.
Charlie!
You really need to stop listening to idle gossip.
Charlie!
No-one loves clothes more than me you need to tell them to leave!
I can't do this with you any more.
I'm the General Manager and I won'tjeopardise that over what y0u've overheard.
I get it.
Winning this from The Burlington is a really big deal for you.
Not just for me, for the hotel as well.
I know I'm the last person you'd expect to care...
Absolutely!
I have to do some serious work.
And if you take a look down.
Look down...
you'll see you're wearing a uniform, which means you have to go do some work too.
Looking for something below the knuckles ?
What?
What is it?
Paris Hilton having sex with money?
I'm checking the weather.
Why?
You work inside all day.
Yeah, but I like to know what's going on outside.
You know, I've got to give the guests advice umbrellas, parasols.
You take this job WAY too seriously, my friend.
jesus H Christ!
And the disciples!
Even if any of what you say is true.
De Rigeur has paid good money phenomenally good money to stay here Blood money!
My job is to manage the hotel, Anna, not make moraljudgement on our clients.
That was spoken like a true whore!
I trust you'll take that back almost immediately.
Where would you draw the line, Charlie?
Who would you be prepared to throw out?
What, a South London villain?
Nah.
Corrupt stockbroker?
Definitely not.
Arms dealer?
Doubt it.
Murderer?
Why would you?
Child abuser?
If you found out that a guest staying in this hotel was a child abuser, would you let them stay?
Have you gone completely mad?
One way or another, Christopher Price is knowingly allowing children to be abused in his name.
jesus Christ, you can't say things like that...
If it's true, why not?!
You have to throw them out!
Mr Edwards...
I need to speak with you.
In private.
0f course.
May I take your order?
What's your special?
Today, half a dozen Swedish oysters followed by quail with fennel mash?
Sounds marvellous.
And to drink?
What would you recommend?
May I suggest a bottle ofthe Coteau de Chery?
De la Domaine Niero Pinchon.
Un choix superbe, monsieur.
0h...
Merci, madame.
Mon plaisir.
But.
.
.don't go swapping the labels for a bottle of old plonk, OK.
Madame, please!
Come off it.
There isn't a sommelier worth their salt who hasn't.
..
I'm not offended that you think I might do that.
It's that you think I might do that to someone of your obvious distinction.
So, erm...
what is the greatest vintage wine y0u've ever rescued?
Well.
.
.that would have to be a bottle of Petrus from some ghastly soap actor who asked for, and I quote, 'the most expensive bottle of grape shit y0u've got.
' You swapped the labels.
I'm afraid I did a little more than merely swap the labels.
0h.
..
wickedness!
Perhaps just a little.
Mr Duncan?
What's going on?
I'm being escorted from the building.
Enjoy the dress.
Anna!
What, so HE'S being kicked out?
Price informed me David was sacked for misconduct.
He wants him off the property immediately.
That just proves everything I talk to you He's obviously watched the film and he's acted against the person who made him see it!
Please...
Charlie Unless you want this hotel to be the venue of choice for unethical corporations, you have to do something about this!
'More often than not, 'the moment we're asked to step forward 'and do the right thing is not accompanied by fanfare or blinding light.
'More often than not, it comes with a simple look.
'That look is a question.
'That question is - 'are you who I thought you were or are you something less?
'We recognise the question immediately and ask it of ourselves.
'Am I the person I thought I was or am I something less?
' Who is it ?
It's me - Tony.
If it's really Tony, then come in using your keycard.
Well?
You're not gonna believe this.
Oh, my God, it's true!
If you vote 'not guilty tomorrow night you could be worth whatever you're worth now plus ??00,000.
0f course, you're not going to take it.
0f course not.
You're gonna report it to the clerk.
0f course I am.
Well, 40 years, you think y0u've seen everything.
Unbelievable!
You're not A0?
Yes, I am.
Today, in fact.
No!
You're working on your l??th birthday?
I was needed, so I offered.
Your wife didn't insist that you took the day off to celebrate?
You would have thought so.
I'd better get back to work.
Well, hang on!
My understanding was that yourjob was to look after us.
Well, y0u've got my number.
If you need anything, give me a call.
I'm sure I'll think of something.
Bloody hell!
Gentlemen!
How are we?
I really can't do this cloak and dagger stuff any more.
I'm not asking you to do it, just stand guard whilst I do it.
Which makes me an accomplice.
Which makes you a man of conscience.
I've worked really hard to become the manager here.
What on earth am I doing?
If Nelson Mandela thought like you, would apartheid have ever been smashed?
Remind me which hotel he managed?
All we need to do is take the DVD and then we skedaddle.
Please, Charlie.
OK.
I'll knock three times.
That means get out immediately.
Right.
See, it's all coming flooding back to you.
Enjoy your stay.
..Can I help you, madam?
Smile.
Look at me and listen.
Why?
I'm a journalist for a Sunday tabloid doing an expose of the way five star guests treat lower grade staff.
Pass me a map of London's Theatreland and pretend we're having a conversation.
I'm not lower grade staff.
You know what I mean.
Now, er...
randomly point to various theatres as I ask you questions.
Which Sunday tabloid did you say you're from?
Oh, I didn't.
But you'll find out soon enough.
Question number one What's the worst name you've been called by an irate guest in this hotel?
Lady, I'm black and gay.
Where do you want to start?
Evening.
Right!
Mr Price!
Good evening.
I just wanted to check everything was to your satisfaction downstairs?
Not a fork out of place.
Excellent.
just a quick thing Are you making a speech tonight?
My job is to keep the troops happy.
May I ask you what form that's gonna take, if you don't mind my asking?
I like to start with something near the knuckle.
Last year...
I told a gag about a jewish man who rings his useless tailor to congratulate him on his daughter.
She's the only thing the tailor's made that's ever fitted him.
Smut on its own - no, no, no.
Clever smut works a treat.
Do you mind if I just...?
Clever smut.
Brilliant.
Now if you'll excuse me.
What...?
What do you do for stress?
You stupid cow!
I was thinking golf.
Golf is snooker for the long-sighted.
Golf is shite.
No.
I have a little maxim that I've followed for years.
I absolutely love maxims.
After lunch, sleep awhile.
After dinner, walk a mile.
If you don't mind, I'm going to make a note of that as well.
After lunch.
Sleep awhile.
After dinner.
.
.walk a mile.
I'm gonna use that.
You should.
Churchill fought a war on it.
Now if you'll excuse me...
Course.
You could have been caught.
Never gonna happen.
If there's one thing I can do better than anyone, it's hiding in a guest's room without them ever knowing!
That's not a good thing, you know?
Charlie, if this contains what I think it contains, you gotta promise me that you won'tjust shrug it off.
Let's just see it first.
No.
Promise me you'll do something.
I promise, if it's as damning as you say it is.
0f course I'll do something.
Thank you.
Hello?
So, you're telling me it's not unusual to come into a bathroom after a guest has left and find that all the fixtures and fittings have been completely stripped out?
For sure.
Because we have good stuff, they take it.
My readers will find that extraordinary.
And what about you?
Me?
The little things YOU get upto on the job.
We might sometimes take drink from minibar and replace it with tea.
Or if we hungry, we take bite from chocolate but we fold foil over, so it looks like we haven't.
But that's really nothing.
What's going on?
I am doing interview.
What?
I'm writing an article for Caterer and Hotelkeeper magazine about the rise in theft from hotels.
Not on her time you're not.
Get back to work, Tanya.
I didn't tell her about chambermaid who worked here try to steal plasma television by lowering it over balcony to her husband in a van below...
And you're not going to.
Out.
Rope snap, van dead.
Out!
I don't want to get anyone in trouble.
But I find talking to staff directly elicits more candour than going through proper channels.
I'm Emily james.
You may have seen the magazine.
I don't read it.
Concierge, hello.
# Happy birthday, Mr Concierge # # Happy birthday to you.
# Thank you very much.
Well, don't thank me, Tony, until you've come up for your present.
So I'm behind the bar, and she's.
..
You know, I can detect a lady in distress at 500 metres.
So can a great white shark.
The final outcome for the woman is frighteningly similar.
Ithink, heh, Gino, cheer her up.
So I tell her the story about my nonno and her dog, when he jump over the cliff.
How she must have laughed!
Yeah, she did, actually.
But then we talking about work and, boys and girls, if I was to go to her room and knock on the door, she would invite me in, eh?
She spoke to you about yourjob?
Yeah, mainly about my job, but also the little tricks I get up to.
That's funny.
Not funny.
Very sexy.
A woman spoke to me about my job.
So?
About how rude guests can be to me and what I might do to get them back.
With me, it was how much they steal, and.
.
.other things.
I spoke of having fun with wine to see if an obnoxious customer could taste the difference.
You think all these women could be.....
the same woman?
So who is she, then?
I don't know.
But I think we need to find out.
Mr Duncan, thank you for coming back.
It was either that or finish clearing out my desk.
We saw the film.
But that was in...
It's a long story.
And we'd like to help you give it something of a happy ending.
But how?
Stage one - you need to look the part.
Perfect.
Are you sure you're happy for me to do this?
What we saw on the film is wrong.
If this is how to stop that, I don't see we have any choice.
I've spoken to the banqueting manager.
If anybody asks, you're a temp for the evening.
Won't people know I'm not a waiter when I drop food everywhere?
He's thought of that.
Yes, I have.
Stage two.
All you need to remember is that you serve from the left...
..and you take away from the right.
Serve from the left, take away from the right.
The secret of being a good waiter?
Well, there is no secret.
You just need good manners and look passionate about what you do.
But not too passionate, then it'll look like you have an unnatural attraction to food.
Right.
I don't know howto do silver service.
Stage three.
Ah, bingo!
Ten minutes practise and you'll be good enough to serve at the Ritz!
Good lucky Justine?
Justine?
I thought a birthday celebration was in order.
Well, I've heard people describe themselves as speechless, but I always thought they just had a limited vocabulary.
I truly don't know what to say, except thank you.
My pleasure.
No, really.
Thank you.
No-one has ever done anything like this for me before.
Let's have a toast.
To 40 years in the business.
??I've only been a door-opening lackey for 22 years.
The business of LIFE, Tony.
Happy birthday.
That was...
Too much?
Well, I was going to say 'very nice'.
Well, if that was very nice, then, erm, how about this?
Service!
Service!
That's good, just keep it even!
Move it guys, go on!
Good luck!
You bloody idiot, look what you've done!
Do you know how much this suit cost?!
I can't apologise enough.
We will have everything properly cleaned.
That's being taken out of your wages!
Get back to the kitchen now!
Maybe I can take you to the bathroom, sir.
We'll clean it up.
What did your charming clerk say about the money?
I have a question for you first.
Am I having a lovely time?
I'm having a wonde Cheers.
Cheers.
No, my question was, what would you do with half a million pounds?
That's a good question.
I thought so.
I would move to Brazil, live like a king within about five minute's walk of Copacabana beach.
Me too.
I'd goto South America!
Really?
Cuba.
Well, technically speaking, that's part of the Caribbean, but same neck of the woods.
Great place - Cuba.
Great boxers, wonderful cigars.
Salsa.
I'd love to learn to Salsa.
We could open up a beach bar!
Or a salsa school!
I can't dance.
In Rio, everyone can dance!
With half a million quid behind us?
Let's do it!
Absolutely.
Are you serious?
Well, I've got a tiny confession to make.
Go on.
I sort of haven't told the clerk about the ??00,000 bribe.
You sort of haven't?
Ijust couldn't stop thinking I was probably going to vote 'not guilty' anyway.
So why notjust do it and change my life for the better at the same time?
Because it would be highly illegal?
Life's frighteningly short, Tony.
You know, fate offers up these opportunities very rarely.
It never offers them up to me.
You've got to seize the day!
Which day?
Tomorrow.
I'm gonna vote 'not guilty'.
I'm going to take the money and I'm gonna live the dream in Havana!
Well, if you make it Rio, you can count me in.
Really?
Well, life begins at 40 and I am 40.
I wanna live my life for once!
I wanna live for myself.
Not...
Notjust exist at others' beck and call.
This isn't just the drink talking?
Well, if it is...
it's making perfect sense!
To Rio!
To Rio!
Oh, I'm so excited!
Me too.
Me too.
Shall we go inside?
Why don't we sit out here for a little while?
CHEERING Friends.
What a year!
People often come up and ask me, 'How come you can sell your clothes at such a low price?
' I say, 'Mind your own business!
' LAUGHTER Our pre-eminence is not by fluke, it's by design!
We have outflanked our competitors on every front.
We have built our success from the ground up by sticking to the basic principles of every successful business - giving people what they want!
Now.Look for a moment, if you will, at what is making you very, very rich!
ANGRY FOREIGN VOICES What the hell is that?!
What?
That is our factory!
Earlier today, I was fired cos I wanted to do something about that abomination!
You have no authority to address this meeting!
Let him speak!
Who said that?!
This is how De Rigeur is able to sell its 'wonderful designs' so cheaply.
He was sacked, because he threatens the success of our company...
We've all heard the rumours and turned away and hoped they weren't true.
But they are.
Don't listen to him!
Cut, cut!
Our success isn't built from the ground up on sound business, but on the shoulders of beaten children...
Get security!
..so young they can thread a needle but read or write.
Shut your mouth!
If you want profit at any cost, listen to Christopher, like last year and the year before!
But we can do this the right way.
Make a stand, right here, right now!
This man is an arsehole!
He's trying to steal your money!
He snuck in here like a rat to undermine your confidence in me!
To give you a sob story...
Here, you, sit down!
Sit down!
I order you to sit down!
How much have I given to you?!
I've made you rich!
I have blessed your miserable little lives with wealth beyond your wildest dreams!
Come back here, you bastards!
Come back and listen to me!
Charlie...
I'm talking to you!
'Choose the difficult right instead of the easy wrong.
' That's not Churchill.
My old mum.
I want you out of my hotel first thing.
Can I say something?
Not right now.
Why not now?
Cos I've really hurt my hand.
What time is it?
It's too early to be awake.
What are you doing?
Wondering how long it takes to learn to salsa.
Not long.
Thank you.
Good to see you.
We'll speak later.
If you want the real dirt on this place, follow me.
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
Thank you.
Enjoyment was hardly the point, but thank you.
Mr Price?
As you ceased to be part of De Rigeur's booking last night, I'm afraid I have to ask you to settle your bill personally.
If you'd step this way.
I had a lovely time last night.
Yeah, me too.
Come along.
justice awaits.
Tony.
This arrived for you last night, but no-one could find you.
Yeah, Iwas, er...I was busy upstairs.
That's what I thought.
Can I get you a cab, sir?
No!
Very well.
Have a nice day.
Tony?
Yeah?
jackie and the girls club together to give you a gift.
A digital radio!
THEY SING 'Happy Birthday' IN POLISH Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Where are you taking me, exactly?
You'll see.
In here?
Yeah.
jackie?
And friends.
Who are you and what do you want with my team?
The truth?
It would be nice.
I'm not a journalist.
I didn't ask you what you're not.
I asked you who you are.
I'm your new public relations manager.
My what?
All the very top hotels have them.
I'm sorry if I deceived you all.
Where reputations and fortunes are won and lost in the blink of an eye.
Where you can be a lowly gate-keeper one day, 'and the king ofthe castle the next.
When is a hotel not a hotel?
All the time.
Hey presto, a magicians' convention.
A grand prix victory celebration.
Or the perfect venue from which to launch your new range 'of high street designer rip-offs for cash-strapped girls about town.
For the right price, we'll turn ourselves into whatever you want.
So, if y0u've worked up an appetite on the catwalk and want a three-course lunch consisting of six peas a fifth of a carrot, and a glass of freshly squeezed celeryjuice no problem.
If you want to celebrate with enough champagne to drown a horse no problem.
After the show if you want a bath filled with ass's milk no problem.
No questions asked except do you want it skimmed or semi-skimmed?
In many ways, fashion and hotels go hand in hand.
Ah, look at them all.
The 'beautiful' people.
Yes, but are they beautiful on the inside?
When they look that good on the outside, who cares?
We're both glamorous image obsessed and all about the money.
It's Christopher Price.
The Chairman of De Rigeur.
He is the only man who can make me look better with my clothes on.
Without De Rigeur I'd have to think very seriously whether I left my flat at night.
Let me make it easy for you.
0n behalf of London don't.
In the hotel business the unwritten rule is that it's never wrong to make money.
And yet sometimes just sometimes we are each called upon to stand up and be counted.
At such moments, the unwritten rule is put to the test.
For what does it profit a man if he should gain the whole world and lose his own soul?
' Oh, my God, it's the Astrix dress!
Gorgeous.
Go!
So this is what you call a toilet break.
I couldn't resist the temptation of seeing what I'll be wearing months before every woman in London.
Will you return to reception, where you actually work, or have we lost you forever?
When I was a girl, people were forever telling my mother that I could be a mod...
So, Tony Which show do you think would be better for me?
Les Mis or Phantom ofthe Opera?
Well, I think that Madam would find Les Mis most agreeable.
0h, sweet jesus, that is so cute.
Say it again.
What?
Most agreeable.
Most agreeable.
Wonderful.
Again.
Most agreeable.
One more time?
Madam...
At l??32pm, I officially turn 40 years old I beg you please don't let this be the prevailing memory of my 30s.
Happy birthday my 'most agreeable' man.
As I was saying before you walked off, I could have been a model.
Aside from your grace height and.
..looks what stopped you?
I was trampled by a horse when I was nine.
That accounts for the looks.
Broke my left ankle, left me with a limp until I was 15 by which time my ambitions had moved on from being gawped at by men.
Your room key, on the fourth floor.
Enjoy your stay 0h, I shall.
I can see y0u've really moved on.
Sure.
..
I'm expecting a courier parcel at any moment.
When it arrives, bring it to me.
A secret design incorporating De Rigeur's trademark tiny buttons bringing the show to a rousing finale, perchance?
just call me as soon as my parcel arrives Yes, sir.
Sir?
I couldn't help but notice that it says here that you're De Rigeur's European Sales Director And?
And,This is going to sound exceedingly naughty, but your Astrix dress...
It's going to be huge It's 0h, my God, it's amazing.
I was just wondering if there was a chance of getting my hands on one before it hits the shops.
You want me to find you an Astrix?
To be one of the first women to wear it would be...
I can't tell you what it would be like.
Yes, I can!
It would feel amazing I'd pay for it, of course.
Double if I have to.
You don't.
No, I really, really do.
Look, just call me as soon as my parcel arrives.
Time for the management meeting.
What?
Bloody hell!
It's her dentist, apparently.
That'd explain it What?
Why he is polishing her teeth with his tongue.
So come on, Gino, we're all dying to know what happened.
Well, I read that Vladimir Putin, he learn judo.
So I thinkl learnjudo and become a head barman of steel.
What they do?Put you on with a black belt?
No they put me in with the kids, you know, just beginner.
So what, a kid did it?
No, these kids are good, heh?
I'm sweating, so I take a shower.
Slip on my bar of soap, smash my arm on the tap.
Broke in three places.
Surprise!
# Happy birthday to you # # Happy birthday to you # # Happy birthday dear Tony...
# That's you!
# Happy birthday to you.
# Happy birthday, Tony.
Thank you very much.
Sorry I'm late I had an early morning dental appointment.
0h, you poor thing.
Did you get drilled?
Happy birthday, Tony.
Thank you, jackie.
We got you a present.
Ah, I think I know what that is.
After all, I've dropped enough hints.
And what might that be?
A digital radio, so I can listen to the footie when I'm on nights.
It's a ledger.
you know, write down all...
All my little errands.
That's great.
Thank you.
I'm gonna need that, cos the older I get, the more things I'll forget.
What we thought Yeah.
# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good...
# Shut up, Gino, before I break the other arm.
All set for another standing ovation?
Who would argue that this year hasn't been the dog's bollocks covered in chocolate?
Financially, that's undoubtedly true.
The only way that counts.
But doesn't there come a point where we have to consider precisely how we're able to be as successful as we are?
Everything in our garden is rosy, David.
Why do you want to come along, unzip your excellently tailored fly and piss all over the flowers?
This issue doesn't have to be negative for the company.
Handled properly, we could make a stand.
A tenner says whoever came up with that horseshit was never answerable to the bottom line.
Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for the man ofthe moment - Chairman and CE0 of De Rigeur Ltd - Mr Christopher Price!
OK.
Item two on the agenda - ajury from the Old Bailey unable to reach a verdict on a murder case.
So they're gonna stay in the hotel overnight to deliberate.
They'll be booking in under the pseudonym the West London Aquarium Association.
The court has requested just one point of contact with our staff for their stay.
Tony ?
Absolutely.
0h, come on, it's his l??th!
Yeah, I'm sure he's already got something else planned.
Well, I've never really been big on birthdays.
Your wife's probably planning to whisk you out for the night.
If she has, she hasn't said anything.
Wouldn't she anyway, as a surprise?
Then it wouldn't be a surprise.
Maybe the surprise isn't the act of surprising Tony.
Maybe it's what the surprise is gonna be.
Have you had a stroke?
Why don't we call her and find out?
Charlie, that's really unfair.
Sorry, but this could be the start of a lucrative new revenue stream for us midweek.
It's really important I've got my best man on it.
It's OK, fine, give her a call.
Speed dial 2.
OK, item three Tonight's banquet for De Rigeur's top brass and major investors.
james?
Once they've de-rigged the fashion show, we can turn the room back into a banqueting suite.
Meanwhile, Adam's well under way with the menu.
Good.
You've got your top boys and girls sewing?
Silver service to a gold standard.
Did you make that up yourself?
Well?
nothing planned.
Tone, the job's yours if you want it.
Quadruple pay, I hasten to add.
One for each decade.
OK, yeah, fine.
OK.
Right, I'm gonna get to work.
All good?
Thanks.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon, madam.
My wheel's broken.
I could fix that faster than a Lewis Hamilton pit stop.
I have no idea what you mean, but if you can fix it quickly, then thank you.
Round here, they call me 'the spanner'.
At my old school, that wouldn't have been a good thing.
Perhaps if madam removed her gum she would be able to taste that the wine is most definitely not corked.
I don't want to talk to you.
I want to speak to your supervisor.
Almost there.
You know, the...
President of Russia is a big fan ofjudo as well so when he come over to London he give me the call and I go to the spa with him.
As if by magic What can I say?
You're a spanner!
Thank you, madam.
Everything OK, Mr Price?
I was just wanting to say how well y0u've vindicated my decision to switch from the Burlington this year Very pleased to hear that.
Assuming tonight's dinner runs as smoothly...
You have my word on it.
Then in addition to next year's summer launch we'll switch all our events from The Burlington as a matter of course.
Word will spread about this place, Charlie.
I have a lot ofthe right kind of friends.
I look forward to welcoming them with open arms.
Yes.
The jury are due in two minutes.
OK.
I'lljust give this to Anna.
It's OK, I'll do that.
I want you to be here to meet the jury in person.
All right.
So, there's your room key.
Take the lift to the sixth floor, then turn left.
Thank you, Anna.
This package has been delivered.
Ooh!
I've been asked to look out for this, then call him when it arrives.
Well, it's arrived.
I've been meaning to say...
Congratulations, Charlie.
What for?
Rebecca's were tough shoes to fill.
We think you've done brilliantly.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
I hope you don't think I'm a kiss-arse.
Well, on balance, I'd prefer you kissed it than blew smoke up it.
Ooh, hello, Mr Duncan.
Chloe, can I have that now?
Mr Duncan.
Thank God.
Thank you.
My DVD.
just doing my job.
Look, if I was unpleasant earlier, I just want to apologise.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
No need to apologise.
Pressure is my middle name.
Not literally, cos that would be ridiculous.
Hang on, er, er...
You didn't get this from me, but let me guess.
Perfect size G?
I thought the only size perfect to you guys was a size zero?
Don't believe everything you read in magazines.
I don't know what to say!
Trust me, there's nothing you CAN say.
Look, if you want it, take it, it'sjust, I'm rather busy.
Thank you.
Ben, 13 members of the West London Aquatic...
Aquarium.
13 members ofthe West London Aquarium Club.
Association.
Does it really matter?
13 members of the West London Aquarium Association to check in, please.
Certainly, sir.
Cheers!
Does it really not bother you that De Rigeur's success is founded on the exploitation of a workforce you've never even seen?
We pay minimum wage for the region.
That's all anyone needs to know.
No, we pay our factory managers enough to pay the workers minimum wage, but they don't.
They dole out cornfeed and pocket the rest.
I make high fashion for the high street.
It's a tough market.
It isn't a fair world and I'm not bloody Michael Moore.
This is a DVD of secret footage of our factory, taken by an NGO in the region.
They're using children.
Our trademark tiny buttons are being sewn on by children as young as six.
There are people on the payroll whose job is to deal with it.
I have it on record that the children in our factory get one toilet break every seven hours.
If they ask for food, they're beaten.
This is too big for PR to swallow.
If this gets out, any woman with half a conscience would sooner wear rags from a dustbin.
So please Watch the DVD.
Do you seriously think I've got nothing better to do with my time?
You'll like it here.
It's a good place to think about the case.
Please don't talk about the case.
I wasn't talking ABOUT the case.
You said this was a good place to think about the case.
It is.
That's talking about the case.
Surely, that's talking about thinking.
About the case.
So?
So it's not your place to talk about thinking about the case.
My apologies to you all.
Apology accepted.
It's not do ....
I wasjust trying to be nice.
Are you the foreman of the jury?
You know I'm not.
Well, then.
Sixth floor.
OK, OK.
Thanks.
Are you all right?
Thank you.
They're venting their frustration at staying here instead of going home.
That's hardly your fault.
Well, it is, actually.
Um, you can let go of me now.
Oh, my God, I'm very, very sorry.
I can only apologise.
No apology necessary or required.
Um, I'm Tony by the way, if you need anything.
justine.
Who is it?
Room service.
just a minute.
0h.
You're not Tony.
Tony's busy.
Well, I didn't order any room service.
It's on the house.
Enjoy- White wine, please.
No problem.
Very nice of you.
I hope it's expensive.
Concierge.
Hello.
hello.
It's justine.
Hello, justine.
Is that really you?
What?
Hang on, I'll check for you.
Er, yes, I can confirm that it is me.
What's the name of the alias that the jury's booked in under?
The West London Aquarium Club.
Association, yeah, that's close enough.
Tony, I need you to come up to my room.
What for?
What for?
Because I need you now!
Everything OK?
Oh, I'm...
I'm fine.
You don't look fine.
I mean, you do look fine as in 'beautiful', if I may be so Italian.
But you don't look fine as in 'happy'.
Infact, the last person who looked as unhappy as you was my grandmother when she lost her dog.
0h, what happened?
Well, she was taking little Benito for a walk along the cliff tops near Sorrento.
she throw a stick for him to fetch Unfortunately, the stick was caught by a strong gusset of wind and it went over the edge ofthe cliff.
Determined to catch the stick, so did Benito.
0h..
That's a terrible story.
But it has a happy ending.
They found Benito.
Alive?!
No, washed up on the shore two days later, all broken and no eyes.
But he had the stick in his mouth.
In his last moments, just before the splat, little Benito must have been so pleased he caught that stick.
Oh!
Now you are smiling, that is better.
I'm, er, I'mjust under a lot of pressure from work.
0h.
What work do you do?
I'm a journalist.
I'm doing a piece about the little scams people get up to in the workplace.
Everyone I've spoken to in the hotel is too scared to reveal their wicked little secrets.
OK, look, because you have the most beautiful eyes I ever saw, I will tell you a little secret.
Oh!
Vote not guilty tomorrow and find 100 as much in this bank account.
' What's all this about?
I'm being nobbled.
I can see that!
But why you?
Nine of the jurors voted guilty, two say he's innocent, I think he's probably guilty, but there's not enough evidence.
The reason we're here is cos I can't make up my mind.
Well, if it's not safe, you say not guilty.
Then there's no majority verdict.
The case is thrown out and a possible murderer walks free.
I don't think I can live with that on my conscience.
Obviously, this 500,000 is to ease your conscience.
What do I do?
I'm merely hereto serve, not advise.
Come on, Tony, help me.
What are you doing?
I'm helping you by getting you a drink.
There.
Thanks.
A lesser man would have just given me the bottle.
Drink.
OK.
Now what?
OK.
Before you do anything, let's find out if this is true.
Be careful!
I'm only going to check my computer.
Well, don't delete anything important.
Charlie, can I talk to you?
What about?
What do you know about De Rigeur?
Only what I needed to woo them from the Burlington.
You don't know how they make their clothes or treat their workforce?
What are you talking about?!
That package that was delivered.
It's secret footage of slave labour and child abuse...
Hang on.
james, I got hold of the vintner.
He'll give us the same volume of Cristal for the Moet price.
Keep this up and we'll start calling you Midas.
Charlie!
You really need to stop listening to idle gossip.
Charlie!
No-one loves clothes more than me you need to tell them to leave!
I can't do this with you any more.
I'm the General Manager and I won'tjeopardise that over what y0u've overheard.
I get it.
Winning this from The Burlington is a really big deal for you.
Not just for me, for the hotel as well.
I know I'm the last person you'd expect to care...
Absolutely!
I have to do some serious work.
And if you take a look down.
Look down...
you'll see you're wearing a uniform, which means you have to go do some work too.
Looking for something below the knuckles ?
What?
What is it?
Paris Hilton having sex with money?
I'm checking the weather.
Why?
You work inside all day.
Yeah, but I like to know what's going on outside.
You know, I've got to give the guests advice umbrellas, parasols.
You take this job WAY too seriously, my friend.
jesus H Christ!
And the disciples!
Even if any of what you say is true.
De Rigeur has paid good money phenomenally good money to stay here Blood money!
My job is to manage the hotel, Anna, not make moraljudgement on our clients.
That was spoken like a true whore!
I trust you'll take that back almost immediately.
Where would you draw the line, Charlie?
Who would you be prepared to throw out?
What, a South London villain?
Nah.
Corrupt stockbroker?
Definitely not.
Arms dealer?
Doubt it.
Murderer?
Why would you?
Child abuser?
If you found out that a guest staying in this hotel was a child abuser, would you let them stay?
Have you gone completely mad?
One way or another, Christopher Price is knowingly allowing children to be abused in his name.
jesus Christ, you can't say things like that...
If it's true, why not?!
You have to throw them out!
Mr Edwards...
I need to speak with you.
In private.
0f course.
May I take your order?
What's your special?
Today, half a dozen Swedish oysters followed by quail with fennel mash?
Sounds marvellous.
And to drink?
What would you recommend?
May I suggest a bottle ofthe Coteau de Chery?
De la Domaine Niero Pinchon.
Un choix superbe, monsieur.
0h...
Merci, madame.
Mon plaisir.
But.
.
.don't go swapping the labels for a bottle of old plonk, OK.
Madame, please!
Come off it.
There isn't a sommelier worth their salt who hasn't.
..
I'm not offended that you think I might do that.
It's that you think I might do that to someone of your obvious distinction.
So, erm...
what is the greatest vintage wine y0u've ever rescued?
Well.
.
.that would have to be a bottle of Petrus from some ghastly soap actor who asked for, and I quote, 'the most expensive bottle of grape shit y0u've got.
' You swapped the labels.
I'm afraid I did a little more than merely swap the labels.
0h.
..
wickedness!
Perhaps just a little.
Mr Duncan?
What's going on?
I'm being escorted from the building.
Enjoy the dress.
Anna!
What, so HE'S being kicked out?
Price informed me David was sacked for misconduct.
He wants him off the property immediately.
That just proves everything I talk to you He's obviously watched the film and he's acted against the person who made him see it!
Please...
Charlie Unless you want this hotel to be the venue of choice for unethical corporations, you have to do something about this!
'More often than not, 'the moment we're asked to step forward 'and do the right thing is not accompanied by fanfare or blinding light.
'More often than not, it comes with a simple look.
'That look is a question.
'That question is - 'are you who I thought you were or are you something less?
'We recognise the question immediately and ask it of ourselves.
'Am I the person I thought I was or am I something less?
' Who is it ?
It's me - Tony.
If it's really Tony, then come in using your keycard.
Well?
You're not gonna believe this.
Oh, my God, it's true!
If you vote 'not guilty tomorrow night you could be worth whatever you're worth now plus ??00,000.
0f course, you're not going to take it.
0f course not.
You're gonna report it to the clerk.
0f course I am.
Well, 40 years, you think y0u've seen everything.
Unbelievable!
You're not A0?
Yes, I am.
Today, in fact.
No!
You're working on your l??th birthday?
I was needed, so I offered.
Your wife didn't insist that you took the day off to celebrate?
You would have thought so.
I'd better get back to work.
Well, hang on!
My understanding was that yourjob was to look after us.
Well, y0u've got my number.
If you need anything, give me a call.
I'm sure I'll think of something.
Bloody hell!
Gentlemen!
How are we?
I really can't do this cloak and dagger stuff any more.
I'm not asking you to do it, just stand guard whilst I do it.
Which makes me an accomplice.
Which makes you a man of conscience.
I've worked really hard to become the manager here.
What on earth am I doing?
If Nelson Mandela thought like you, would apartheid have ever been smashed?
Remind me which hotel he managed?
All we need to do is take the DVD and then we skedaddle.
Please, Charlie.
OK.
I'll knock three times.
That means get out immediately.
Right.
See, it's all coming flooding back to you.
Enjoy your stay.
..Can I help you, madam?
Smile.
Look at me and listen.
Why?
I'm a journalist for a Sunday tabloid doing an expose of the way five star guests treat lower grade staff.
Pass me a map of London's Theatreland and pretend we're having a conversation.
I'm not lower grade staff.
You know what I mean.
Now, er...
randomly point to various theatres as I ask you questions.
Which Sunday tabloid did you say you're from?
Oh, I didn't.
But you'll find out soon enough.
Question number one What's the worst name you've been called by an irate guest in this hotel?
Lady, I'm black and gay.
Where do you want to start?
Evening.
Right!
Mr Price!
Good evening.
I just wanted to check everything was to your satisfaction downstairs?
Not a fork out of place.
Excellent.
just a quick thing Are you making a speech tonight?
My job is to keep the troops happy.
May I ask you what form that's gonna take, if you don't mind my asking?
I like to start with something near the knuckle.
Last year...
I told a gag about a jewish man who rings his useless tailor to congratulate him on his daughter.
She's the only thing the tailor's made that's ever fitted him.
Smut on its own - no, no, no.
Clever smut works a treat.
Do you mind if I just...?
Clever smut.
Brilliant.
Now if you'll excuse me.
What...?
What do you do for stress?
You stupid cow!
I was thinking golf.
Golf is snooker for the long-sighted.
Golf is shite.
No.
I have a little maxim that I've followed for years.
I absolutely love maxims.
After lunch, sleep awhile.
After dinner, walk a mile.
If you don't mind, I'm going to make a note of that as well.
After lunch.
Sleep awhile.
After dinner.
.
.walk a mile.
I'm gonna use that.
You should.
Churchill fought a war on it.
Now if you'll excuse me...
Course.
You could have been caught.
Never gonna happen.
If there's one thing I can do better than anyone, it's hiding in a guest's room without them ever knowing!
That's not a good thing, you know?
Charlie, if this contains what I think it contains, you gotta promise me that you won'tjust shrug it off.
Let's just see it first.
No.
Promise me you'll do something.
I promise, if it's as damning as you say it is.
0f course I'll do something.
Thank you.
Hello?
So, you're telling me it's not unusual to come into a bathroom after a guest has left and find that all the fixtures and fittings have been completely stripped out?
For sure.
Because we have good stuff, they take it.
My readers will find that extraordinary.
And what about you?
Me?
The little things YOU get upto on the job.
We might sometimes take drink from minibar and replace it with tea.
Or if we hungry, we take bite from chocolate but we fold foil over, so it looks like we haven't.
But that's really nothing.
What's going on?
I am doing interview.
What?
I'm writing an article for Caterer and Hotelkeeper magazine about the rise in theft from hotels.
Not on her time you're not.
Get back to work, Tanya.
I didn't tell her about chambermaid who worked here try to steal plasma television by lowering it over balcony to her husband in a van below...
And you're not going to.
Out.
Rope snap, van dead.
Out!
I don't want to get anyone in trouble.
But I find talking to staff directly elicits more candour than going through proper channels.
I'm Emily james.
You may have seen the magazine.
I don't read it.
Concierge, hello.
# Happy birthday, Mr Concierge # # Happy birthday to you.
# Thank you very much.
Well, don't thank me, Tony, until you've come up for your present.
So I'm behind the bar, and she's.
..
You know, I can detect a lady in distress at 500 metres.
So can a great white shark.
The final outcome for the woman is frighteningly similar.
Ithink, heh, Gino, cheer her up.
So I tell her the story about my nonno and her dog, when he jump over the cliff.
How she must have laughed!
Yeah, she did, actually.
But then we talking about work and, boys and girls, if I was to go to her room and knock on the door, she would invite me in, eh?
She spoke to you about yourjob?
Yeah, mainly about my job, but also the little tricks I get up to.
That's funny.
Not funny.
Very sexy.
A woman spoke to me about my job.
So?
About how rude guests can be to me and what I might do to get them back.
With me, it was how much they steal, and.
.
.other things.
I spoke of having fun with wine to see if an obnoxious customer could taste the difference.
You think all these women could be.....
the same woman?
So who is she, then?
I don't know.
But I think we need to find out.
Mr Duncan, thank you for coming back.
It was either that or finish clearing out my desk.
We saw the film.
But that was in...
It's a long story.
And we'd like to help you give it something of a happy ending.
But how?
Stage one - you need to look the part.
Perfect.
Are you sure you're happy for me to do this?
What we saw on the film is wrong.
If this is how to stop that, I don't see we have any choice.
I've spoken to the banqueting manager.
If anybody asks, you're a temp for the evening.
Won't people know I'm not a waiter when I drop food everywhere?
He's thought of that.
Yes, I have.
Stage two.
All you need to remember is that you serve from the left...
..and you take away from the right.
Serve from the left, take away from the right.
The secret of being a good waiter?
Well, there is no secret.
You just need good manners and look passionate about what you do.
But not too passionate, then it'll look like you have an unnatural attraction to food.
Right.
I don't know howto do silver service.
Stage three.
Ah, bingo!
Ten minutes practise and you'll be good enough to serve at the Ritz!
Good lucky Justine?
Justine?
I thought a birthday celebration was in order.
Well, I've heard people describe themselves as speechless, but I always thought they just had a limited vocabulary.
I truly don't know what to say, except thank you.
My pleasure.
No, really.
Thank you.
No-one has ever done anything like this for me before.
Let's have a toast.
To 40 years in the business.
??I've only been a door-opening lackey for 22 years.
The business of LIFE, Tony.
Happy birthday.
That was...
Too much?
Well, I was going to say 'very nice'.
Well, if that was very nice, then, erm, how about this?
Service!
Service!
That's good, just keep it even!
Move it guys, go on!
Good luck!
You bloody idiot, look what you've done!
Do you know how much this suit cost?!
I can't apologise enough.
We will have everything properly cleaned.
That's being taken out of your wages!
Get back to the kitchen now!
Maybe I can take you to the bathroom, sir.
We'll clean it up.
What did your charming clerk say about the money?
I have a question for you first.
Am I having a lovely time?
I'm having a wonde Cheers.
Cheers.
No, my question was, what would you do with half a million pounds?
That's a good question.
I thought so.
I would move to Brazil, live like a king within about five minute's walk of Copacabana beach.
Me too.
I'd goto South America!
Really?
Cuba.
Well, technically speaking, that's part of the Caribbean, but same neck of the woods.
Great place - Cuba.
Great boxers, wonderful cigars.
Salsa.
I'd love to learn to Salsa.
We could open up a beach bar!
Or a salsa school!
I can't dance.
In Rio, everyone can dance!
With half a million quid behind us?
Let's do it!
Absolutely.
Are you serious?
Well, I've got a tiny confession to make.
Go on.
I sort of haven't told the clerk about the ??00,000 bribe.
You sort of haven't?
Ijust couldn't stop thinking I was probably going to vote 'not guilty' anyway.
So why notjust do it and change my life for the better at the same time?
Because it would be highly illegal?
Life's frighteningly short, Tony.
You know, fate offers up these opportunities very rarely.
It never offers them up to me.
You've got to seize the day!
Which day?
Tomorrow.
I'm gonna vote 'not guilty'.
I'm going to take the money and I'm gonna live the dream in Havana!
Well, if you make it Rio, you can count me in.
Really?
Well, life begins at 40 and I am 40.
I wanna live my life for once!
I wanna live for myself.
Not...
Notjust exist at others' beck and call.
This isn't just the drink talking?
Well, if it is...
it's making perfect sense!
To Rio!
To Rio!
Oh, I'm so excited!
Me too.
Me too.
Shall we go inside?
Why don't we sit out here for a little while?
CHEERING Friends.
What a year!
People often come up and ask me, 'How come you can sell your clothes at such a low price?
' I say, 'Mind your own business!
' LAUGHTER Our pre-eminence is not by fluke, it's by design!
We have outflanked our competitors on every front.
We have built our success from the ground up by sticking to the basic principles of every successful business - giving people what they want!
Now.Look for a moment, if you will, at what is making you very, very rich!
ANGRY FOREIGN VOICES What the hell is that?!
What?
That is our factory!
Earlier today, I was fired cos I wanted to do something about that abomination!
You have no authority to address this meeting!
Let him speak!
Who said that?!
This is how De Rigeur is able to sell its 'wonderful designs' so cheaply.
He was sacked, because he threatens the success of our company...
We've all heard the rumours and turned away and hoped they weren't true.
But they are.
Don't listen to him!
Cut, cut!
Our success isn't built from the ground up on sound business, but on the shoulders of beaten children...
Get security!
..so young they can thread a needle but read or write.
Shut your mouth!
If you want profit at any cost, listen to Christopher, like last year and the year before!
But we can do this the right way.
Make a stand, right here, right now!
This man is an arsehole!
He's trying to steal your money!
He snuck in here like a rat to undermine your confidence in me!
To give you a sob story...
Here, you, sit down!
Sit down!
I order you to sit down!
How much have I given to you?!
I've made you rich!
I have blessed your miserable little lives with wealth beyond your wildest dreams!
Come back here, you bastards!
Come back and listen to me!
Charlie...
I'm talking to you!
'Choose the difficult right instead of the easy wrong.
' That's not Churchill.
My old mum.
I want you out of my hotel first thing.
Can I say something?
Not right now.
Why not now?
Cos I've really hurt my hand.
What time is it?
It's too early to be awake.
What are you doing?
Wondering how long it takes to learn to salsa.
Not long.
Thank you.
Good to see you.
We'll speak later.
If you want the real dirt on this place, follow me.
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
Thank you.
Enjoyment was hardly the point, but thank you.
Mr Price?
As you ceased to be part of De Rigeur's booking last night, I'm afraid I have to ask you to settle your bill personally.
If you'd step this way.
I had a lovely time last night.
Yeah, me too.
Come along.
justice awaits.
Tony.
This arrived for you last night, but no-one could find you.
Yeah, Iwas, er...I was busy upstairs.
That's what I thought.
Can I get you a cab, sir?
No!
Very well.
Have a nice day.
Tony?
Yeah?
jackie and the girls club together to give you a gift.
A digital radio!
THEY SING 'Happy Birthday' IN POLISH Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Where are you taking me, exactly?
You'll see.
In here?
Yeah.
jackie?
And friends.
Who are you and what do you want with my team?
The truth?
It would be nice.
I'm not a journalist.
I didn't ask you what you're not.
I asked you who you are.
I'm your new public relations manager.
My what?
All the very top hotels have them.
I'm sorry if I deceived you all.