Programma Televisivo: Extras - 2x7
Day 7 : All the housemates are in the kitchen (Screaming and fighting in the background) Rita, what on earth are you doing?
I'm learning to play the recorder Why?
Well, it's the school's idea, they say that every now and then, you should swap places with your child So each of you gets to see how the other half lives So I�m learning how to play the recorder What's your daughter's doing?
Oh, she's sat at home with a bottle of gin, thinking about her failed marriage Rita, you're a card Yeah, the Joker Oh, it' no good, it's too difficult Rita, I used to play the recorder at school, let me help your learn Thank you Brance Okay, so...
Yes Mr.
Yamaguchi...
No Mr.
Yamaguchi...
Can I just say, one more time, I�m velly velly solly I mean, very very sorry.
I'll talk to you too, I'll talk to you, good bye Rita, just relax...
But it's so hard...
Just take it in your hand...
...and blow...
Don't suck...
Oh, that's good.
What the bloody hell is going on here Oh, sorry Mr.
Stokes I don't know when I�m blowing or when I�m sucking She's learning to play the recorder, Mr.
Stokes What does it record?
Hein?
What does it record?
it doesn't record anything Why is it called a recorder for, then?
I don't get it Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?
Ah, sometimes Gobbler...
Raymond...
Oh my god !
What is it?
Raymond...
It's only my bloody twin sister Hello Raymond What are you doing here?
A younger gets lonely.
Maybe still but what are YOU doing here?
Mr.
Millman...
What?
Hello there, sorry to bother you, I saw you in here, my name is Richard, I�m the manager You've got to help me Why?
Would you mind signing a few of these?
What, now?
They're not moving...
Just as many as you can manage, if you sign ten, that's ten more chances of selling I thought the public would lap this tat up for Christmas but they're more discerning than I thought Even the Kramer doll are selling better than this one I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loooving it !
Shut up !
Fifty years ago they had you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass !
Cheap and ugly, isn't it?
I suppose that's the problem It is ugly Are you having a laugh?
Are you having a laugh?
Are you having a laugh?
Who to thought people would eventually find that irritating?
The thing is, you got to order these things like a year in advance Still...I won't make the same mistake again.
No.
I'll make my money back next Christmas I've ordered ten thousand Sanjaya dolls Ah, you're laughing then, aren't you?
What would you rather do, right?
Never celebrate Christmas ever or have Christmas every day?
If it's Christmas every day, what do I have to do?
Nothing, it's Christmas, you just sit at home, watching the TV, having the day off What, so no one works, there no industry, no government, it's chaos So you've rather never celebrate Christmas?
Yeah, if that was the choice So you'll be Jewish, they don't celebrate Christmas Why would I suddenly be Jewish?
I don't know what you're talking about...
ready?
yes Look, it's Greg, in a film.
Oh, come on, we can't watch TV in the day No, no wait, I want to see No man has the right to kill his brother It is no excuse to do so in uniform It merely adds the infamy of servitude, to the crime of murder I love Clive Owen Ugf...Clive...good name for a film star If we must have a tyrant, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business, and let us fall by the axe, and not by the butcher's cleaver Greg seems good in it It'll be a bit part I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley Jones, the two leads in the film He's one of the leads in a terrible film I thought the film was brilliant He thought it was brilliant Oh, I can hear?
Greg, you play Shelly.
And I have to say, it's one of the most exciting performance I think I've ever seen How was it for you working with such an established star as Clive Owen?
Let me say, he is such a down to earth guy, he's just so real We had a good time I had a great time I know a lot of people are saying that but we really really did get along well I can't believe you persuaded me to do these things, they're not even selling apparently cause they're embarrassing...
loads are lying around in bargain bins for ages.
Cheap tat Well yeah but they cut the prices to try and shift a few but the good thing is that because they all so cheap to manufacture, we still get paid 40 p a time...
cause they're made in sweat shops.
Oh, thanks god for the exploitation of 10 years old children Absolutely.
And the funny thing is of course that your key demographic as well is in the kids so even if they doing like a 14 hours a day, it's probably living a hell of a time you know, pressing "You having a laugh?".
They're probably enjoying themselves 'cause it's nice I hope it doesn't distract them from their work, they would get a beating I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna hear this Don't listen to him, they wouldn't work there if they didn't like it I don't think they got a lot of choice, to be honest As Henri Matisse once said : " The right happiness in oneself from a good day of work for illuminating the fog that surrounds us" Oh yeah?
What are you working on today?
I'm trying to get this dog muck out of a shoe, it's a nightmare Next door is Great Dane, the stench is unbelievable I've seen him feeding eggs, oil boiled eggs, to a dog, it's mad Really, I don't care I don't want to be associated with this sort of staff To the general public, there is no difference between me and that doll What?
Little fat ugly thing?
Pathetic?
No?
No, I put on...
I'll put on a wig and shot a catch phrase I want to be associated with credible stuff Oh, yeah, we've had offers.
Part in the BBC's jewel in the crown, Dr Who no Hotel Babylon?
No, I don't want to do...camp, frothy nonsense I want to do something classy Celebrity Big Brother've been on the phone You're not listening?
It's good money...
Not in a million years What about films?
What happen to films?
We did have a call.
Have you heard about this Byron film that everyone is raving about?
Yeah Well, they making a sequel, should be classy, should be good It's about what it's mean to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity They wanted you to go into an audition Right Obviously I said no What do you mean you said no?
Well they were asking for someone who was either 36, handsome, dashing and I presumed they had to be taller than you.
So I thought it was safe...
Always do the audition Look at you, that's insane, I might as well send Barry Call them back and say you have the perfect person for the part Who?
Me !
No, I don't want to waste their time Why should I have to persuade my agent to get me an audition?
It should be the other way around If I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing Oh, no one could thinks you don't know what you're doing.
You're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry Well thanks, maybe you'll be surprised Get me the audition Okay, that's a ten minutes break everyone, sandwiches are over here Could you just let the actors and the crew have theirs first, please Can you hold on?
Are you Maggie?
Yes Andy wants to see you in his dressing room What, now?
Yeah Chop chop Oh, hello Mrs.
Millman, is Andy in?
It's a face pack, don't laugh at me now What is this for?
For a film For a film, it comes for a film?
Help me out, don't comment Is that a girdle?
No, it just helps firm up the...
Flab?
Right, come on in, quick Are you serious?
Oh my god...
Yeah, come on That's not gonna work Jesus Christ, of course it is I don't hear you laugh, don't hear you laugh Now go on in, oh I'm going right on Where do your organs go?
Do They just get closer together or am I gonna cough up a kidney in the audition?
Andrew Millman You looking good Been working out, ain't it?
I'm sorry, I must declare an interest.
Actually me and Andy are very old friends, we...
we've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together Some of us, got a little further than others...
Anyway, I won't be biased So, which role are we all here for?
Henri Milligan Hang on Copy, Henri Milligan says here age 36...
Yeah, I took that as meaning he's in his late thirties We'll change it to late thirties Hang on, Henri Milligan says here late thirties...
Should we do one?
Yeah Do you want to stand up?
Yes, easy Ah, Henri Milligan, allow me to introduce myself Your reputation precedes you sir, and it's one...the...
Sorry, sorry, can we stop proceeding.
Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff Can we just rewind that and see what happened?
I don't know if everyone else saw that?
Hey, it's his belly.
Andy, did your diaphragm just collapsed?
Andy seems to have scuttled off...
Allo it's me, leave a message after the tone and I�ll get back to you.
Did that record?
I, it's me, do you fancy some lunch, at the Ivy, half 8.
I can tell you all about my brilliant audition Alright, give us a call back.
Cheers, bye Andy Millman Alright Bunny?
What are you doing?
waiting...
waiting...for what?
Cock !
never too early for that, is it?
Don't you know about this area?
No, I just moved in This area is famous for it, I'm here all the time This is known as the waiting bench Oh, by the way, loving the show cheers You having a laugh?
Keep walking, keep walking !
She'll never get anything in the daylight Alright Bunny?
Alright George any action?
I only got 20 minutes actually, I'm on my lunch break lunch break?
Yeah, I'm doing community service Are you still doing that?
Oh no, not that one, I'm doing another one I'm picking up litter now Alright...What did you do wrong this time?
Fly tipping...believe it or not Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge freezer and she says : "Should I call the council?"
ans I say : "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street" So, at 2h30 in the morning, we're tipping it in here and the fucking police show up How is that you get involve then?
Well, it was Stuart Copland's the skip and he called Sting and Sting called the fucking council cause he's a fucking do-gooder And I am here now, picking up litter Well, I'll better get going cause I'm gonna have to go back to work soon Come on then you, I'll give you a quickie I'm not that desperate Mate Cheeky bastard Would you do me a favor and look out for paparazzis, I'm gonna go and try over there I'd love to Cheers I've had him before, you know...in his car Wasn't that a bit cramped?
and he was swerving all over the bloody road Look, keep an eye over these will, will you?
That old queer cannot have got to far...
hellooo Andy Millman...
What?
I don't know what this bench is for What did you say?
Why are you sitting here?
Cause we live across the road and just fancy to sit down Well, you've got a garden, ain't you, why not sit in your garden?
No bench.
If you want to sit in the garden, fine, but you'll be sitting on the grass Yeah, but why you sitting on the queer bench?
Have you seen George Michael?
Strange question My editor wants a picture of someone famous acting bent and all I've got is you sitting on a queer bench, so...
I'm not involved, so don't...
I know you're lying cos I know he's been here How do you know?
A joint...and a kebab He's in the bushes Thank you very much Thank you very much, cheers Hi, we haven't booked I wonder if you've got a table for two Well, you'll have to book, I'm afraid Can you just squeeze us in?
We won't have a starter I'm sorry, there's nothing Or a pudding We'll be 20 minutes, in and out I'm sorry You don't...euh...we're the management No, I am the manager No, on TV, we used to do these characters called "The Management" The stonk Oh, the Stonk.
Is that a restaurant?
No, it's a song we did I'm really sorry, there's nothing available but you can book up to three months in advance We don't know where we're gonna be in three months Might not be alive in three months What would you rather do?
Be on the Planet Of The Apes, you're human but you can't speak or be the first ever monkey on Earth to speak like a human, but you're a monkey?
Do I know I'm a monkey?
Yeah, You know you're a monkey Mr.
Millman, hello Sorry, we haven't booked, I'm afraid No problem, I'm sure I can squeeze you in Oh, thank you cheers, okay 0h, look, it's them two, what's their names again?
Hale and Pace.
Hale.
Pace.
Like Ant and Dec?
Without their money They just throw money at performers now Should have invested more wisely Can we not do this in public?
I asked you before It was your idea to buy the racehorse It was your idea to ride it, wasn't it?
You couldn't help us get in, could you?
I don't think there is...It was nice meeting you Cheers Oh, look, there's...what's her name...
Jade Jagger That's it What is she doing?
Fashion...someone Jade Jagger...How do you think she got her big break?
I wonder And what does Sadie Frost do?
She's friend with people I didn't know that was a job It's, yeah Oh, oh, right, OK, don't look, don't look yet, right The woman over there, an amazing face OK?
Red top, I want you to turn and look at her and I'll say her name, Ok?
Three, two, one, Elmer Fudd That's the only woman I've ever seen with a comb-over Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, my name's Tre Cooper, I represent Greg Lindley Jones You went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you?
Yeah, I wasn't right for that No, you don't think you were right for that one but there are a lot of film people out there mentioning your name and a lot of roles I think you would be right for Yeah, I also heard you're not entirely happy with your show It's not how I wanted it to be Really?
No You see, I think you should be on the top of the world What does it get each week?
Seven million viewers?
Six.
Six.
Seven million viewers watch your show every week because they respond to what you do and the reviews...
I don't listen to the reviews No-one's down the pub talking about reviews, they're talking about your sitcom And you know what?
there'll always gonna be people who don't like what you do.
0h, yeah So what ?
If someone shouts "You're a wanker" you go, "Oh Yeah, look at my sports car" If they shout, "You're still a tosser!"
say, "Really, interesting, How many catchphrases have you come up with?"
None And if they're still shouting at just you, just drive away I would Drive to the bank, laughing Who's your agent?
Darren Lamb I'm not being funny, but I've never heard of him and I've been in this business 15 years Where did he come from?
Bristol No, which company did he start with?
I don't think he ever worked for a company He has, he worked part time at the car phone warehouse Look, I don't know the guy Why would you, you're in the business?
I don't want to disrespect him, but business is business and if there's any deadwood in your organisation, you have got to get rid of it It may seem harsh but life's cruel and no one�s gonna help your career but you I'm an extra, and I love Clive Owen, can I get a part in that Byron film?
That's alright, she's asking.
Well done Consider it done My card And seriously, if l can be of any help, call me, we'll sit down Sorry for interrupting your meal It's all right 0h, catch of the day, Dover sole, it is superb Have a great lunch.
Cheers Oh, Elmer's looking over Oh, hello, hi ya I recommend the wabbit, I mean the rabbit She doesn't know, does she?
How the hell did you do that?
I don't know, they get stuck, don't they?
That is...
That's stuck fast, if I...
that's gonna break...
Well, don't break it I'll put it up over your head, yeah Are you ready?
You just pull back, right?
Ok, go!
Just pull, Darren What about my head, brainiac!
How is that...
just pull back I can't help you if you don't pull back.
I am pulling back What exactly is your plan?
What are you actually intending to do now?
Just you pull back Did you learn nothing in the fame academy, all right?
Power is not everything, you just need to be subtle.
Don't sing everything like it's bloody Mustang Sally OK, Clive...
You, over here, please Quickly, quick sharp, yep, yep OK, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute.
All right As he leaves in the morning, I thought he could just turn, and then throw the money on the floor with contempt and then say your line, "Thank you for your hospitality" Yeah, I'm not very happy with this.
I know it's a bit aggressive, but it's just a character point.
No, I mean this one been a prostitute I wouldn't pay for that Right...
It's gotta be a better one than this Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload of absolute hogs and this is the very best one Really?
Yeah Jesus...
I don't want to be difficult, it's just that I would never pay for a prostitute that looked like that No way Right...
What if she wasn't a prostitute, if she was just a slut, so it was free?
Yeah, I still could do better, though OK, what if she is a prostitute, but you refuse to pay?
OK, so you don't throw money on the floor, you just...throw food and you make her eat it like a dog Well, I'm telling you.
If I'd slept with that I wouldn't throw food on the floor, I'd throw it in her face OK, what food would you throw?
Cause I've got to get props on to that It should be some kind of gruel as if I've found some oats on the stable floor, mix it with shit and like, wet cabbage What would be great is like when it claps into her face it just sort of looks like a rancid cowpat.
OK No, I like that, I like that...
Can we get the shit and the dung and the cabbage together Make sure it sticks to the face...
It will.
OK, let's try that then, please OK, for rehearsal then...
Excuse me I'm not happy with that Sorry?
I'm not happy with that.
I don't want the dung on my face You get extra money, don't you worry about that.
Don't care.
Not bothered, I just don't want to do it, full stop Right, OK, you either do it, or you go home Ok...
Ok, right See you then Honestly, I mean, you give these people a chance Got to get another on OK, you, over here, please Oh, fuck off, I'm Clive Owen That's mental !
Frankly, the BBC are taking the proverbial Seriously, the money you're getting for the show is an insult.
I'm gonna get tough with them and we'll get this sorted for the next series I don't think I want to do another series.
I've been thinking of knocking this on the head...
With the right management behind you, there's a lot of money to be made I don't care.
I'm not proud.
I want to do bigger and better I'm not proud of having Britain's no1 catchphrase Is there an Oscar for that?
No No, but they are thinking of introducing a British Comedy Award for it Of course they are Look, I want to hold my head up To me, saying you've got Britain's no1 catchphrase is like saying you've got Britain's no1 wasting disease You're not Britain's no1 catchphrase any more.
I'm not?
You're not no1 anymore Good.
To be totally...Who's number one?
0h, it's..."Am I bowered?"
What am I, no2 or something?
No.
no2 is, "You are the weakest link, goodbye."
Then no3 is "You're having a laugh?"
In at no3, it changes depending on what survey you are doing What survey is that?
It's a survey of 8 to 11 year olds Well, if they want catchphrases I'll give 'em catchphrases I don't get it.
Is he having a laugh?
I need a man !
Join the queue Oh, bugger me!
He's out and about!
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine...
Children singing christian rhyme, with logs on the fire, gifts 'neath the tree...
Any messages mate?
Yeah, a couple.
BT called What, British Telecom?
Oh, yeah What were they after?
They wanted to know if you were happy with the service Very happy as well as very pleased That's what I told them cause I thought you were happy, but they wanted to talk to you specifically They would do cause my name's on the bill Yes it is, and apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls Oh, really, that's very generous of them, very nice, yeah Do they want me to call back?
No, they said they'll call back I don't mind calling them.
I said you'd be back about two, It's ten to now so just wait for them to call I'll wait until just after two, if they haven't called, give them a bell yeah It's an 0800 number, so...free It's free Anything else, any other...
Yes, Andy new agent called Andy's fired you and gone with a new bloke so you're no longer to have any dealings with him whatsoever Sorry, I was thinking about free evening and weekend calls What were you saying?
Andy Millman, he's fired you What do you mean he's fired me?
Well, you no longer Andy Millman's agent, so...
Why are you telling me this now?
Why did you tell me the BT stuff first?
Because I'm doing it in chronological order I was excited about the BT stuff, now I'm depressed I didn't know that if I'd said, number one, Andy's fired you and number two, BT has offered you a generous new tariff, the good news would have been soured by the bad news anyway I didn't know what to do for the best He's fired me?
Let me ask you this...
Where do you want to be in 5 years of time?
Sat in a Hollywood mansion watching my butler polish my Oscar It's good, thinking big, nothing wrong with that But first things first, what I'll need you to concentrate on is...
Excuse me Yeah Richard Curtis for you Does he wanna talk about Africa again?
I think so Tell him to donate the profits from the Vicar 0f Dibley They'll be eating like Dawn in no time harsh...
life's cruel Er, listen, tell him you can't get hold of me, tell him I'm snowboarding Okay Sorry about that Profile, you need to boost your profile Success is all about getting your face seen Yeah Truth is, at the moment, Andy, you're kind of...you're C-list...top of the C-list, but I'm gonna get you on top of the A-list I can't snap my fingers and do that overnight You need to win an Emmy or direct something but we can get you to the top of the B-list pretty quickly just by making sure you're seen out and about movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings, stuff like that...
You're single aren't you?
Yeah Good Good, so firstly what we want you to do is be seen coming out of clubs and restaurants with some newsworthy trollops You shagged any of those tabloid beauties?
no Not even that?
no Isn't everyone?
Not me What've you been doing?
I know she's got a cancellation next Friday so we'll set something up for then No, no, I'm not into that.
I don't want to do it that way Do you want to get on the B-list or not?
Yes, but not the Hepatitis B list Right, OK, no, that's not a problem, I've got some contacts at the broadsheets right Paula, can you get me Emily Whitford at The Guardian, please Yep So what do you do?
I was a film extra Oh, glamorous It's not really, I'm not doing it anymore, it's too depressing I'm too old to be right at the bottom of the pile being told what to do, scrabbling about in the dirt for a few quid an hour.
What do you do now?
I'm a cleaner I scrabble around in the dirt for a few quid an hour Ok, so...here is the place here we go carpets...
Spider?
Yep, that won't be bothering you any more no You just gonna leave it there?
If you want...
No, I don't want it particularly Fine, that'll all be professionally cleaned.
Scraped off Where is the bedroom?
No, it's all in here What, this is it?
Tiny little kitchen over here and...there is a lavatory It's everything you need, you'll never have to leave this place If the worst comes to the worst if you were bedridden with a spinal injury or something, heaven forbid Then it's all here, should that happen Where do I sleep?
Look at that...That's good, isn't it?
That's like James Bond or something From Russia with love Live And Let Die I can't put anything underneath that, can I?
Yeah, of course you can, coffee table or what not just move it before you go to bed What, every single night?
A chimpanzee makes a nest every night in a tree or whatever and he doesn't complain no I hadn't planned to live like a chimpanzee Well, this is the only place in your price range really, so...
I know, I know What's the area like then?
Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you There�s is quite a large black and asian community, there's some chinese and it does get very Araby towards the high street but there is nothing we can do about it No, I mean, what it is like in term of the amenities, is there a supermarket?
Oh, yeah, yeah a supermarket...Yes, there is a lot of lovely different shops around here It's a very cosmopolitan area for food, I mean do you like chinese food?
Yes Asian food?
Good for Halal meats Do you like jerk chicken, just like momma used to make?
There is one of those...euh...
I bet you can probably see it from the window Yep There it is Where have you been, we said 3 o'clock Sorry, I've been looking out for flats, I'm gonna have to downsize Tell me later.
I'm about to do an interview, in a first session, the Weekend Guardian, really good publicity sort of the 'man behind the silly wig' and all that Woo When she gets here, you open the door for me 0h, no, why me?
Say you're my P.A.
Oh, no Yeah, give the illusion of life of success and everything, right?
Then when we're in there, come in and go "Oh, Andy, sorry, Ridley Scott's on the phone" Who?
Ridley Scott Who is that then?
Oscar-winning director...Gladiator, Blade Runner Is he gonna call?
He's not really gonna call No?
You say he's on the phone And then, she'll think I'm a...player Ohh That's her, alright, okay...
Answer the door and just look a bit secretarial.
Do something...
hello hi would you like to come this way Andy Hi Thank you, Mr.
Millman Thanks for doing this My absolute pleasure, welcome to my humble abode You don't talk like I thought you would You've seen me in character, there's much more than silly wigs No, I've seen you on chat shows, you didn't speak like that No, but there is Andy Millman the writer, Andy Millman the actor, Andy Millman the charity worker...
And who was that?
Slash this slash that...
That's how I thought you talked How do you want me to talk?
Just normal like you're at home I'm at home Just speak like that then Can we tone it down?
So, you mentioned your charity work.
What charity are you involved with?
Africa The main one that people care about, innit?
You're not going to release an awful comedy single, are you, for charity, so you can get in the charts and boost your profile?
Not just so I can boost my profile, no But you are releasing a comedy single?
Well, no, it's me as Ray, doing a cover of Nine To Five, and it's a fun video, cos we've got loads of sort of celebs in it We've got Craig Charles, Sam Fox, jade Goody's mum god Bunch of saddos Well, the good ones didn't want to do it, did they?
We had to use look-alikes for some of them They will be sorry, though when it gets number one And we'll get number one so let's not slag it off before it's saved some Ethiopians You in a hurry?
0h, no, no, sorry, I've got another interview to get to I'm a little nervous actually Why, for meeting me?
No, god no.
Have you seen the Byron film?
Yeah I'm interviewing Greg Lindley Jones Why are you nervous about meeting him?
He's got such a sort of brooding intensity, he's like a young Richard Burn Young Richard Simon more like Well, I'm not slagging him off but let's not...
Mr.
Millman, the phone call has just come in Oh, who is it?
Is it Wiggly Scott?
Ridley Scott, yeah.
The award winning director of Gladiator and Blade Runner What does he want?
Cheers.
Sorry about this Hey, Ridley, I can't talk now, I'm out with a journal.
Say hello from me.
what?
We know each other from Cannes.
Say hello from me.
Emily Whitford Emily Whitford What's he say?
Nothing Ask him how is ankle is.
He'll laugh Will he?
How's your ankle?
Is he laughing?
sort of Let me speak to him What?
Let her speak to him Let me speak to him Hold on, All right Oh, what's he done?
Hung up?
Why is he done that.
Sorry about that, cheers Can I ask you a few questions?
What about?
I'm not very good at general knowledge No, about working for Andy Probably not a good idea Also, if you are in a hurry...
Cheers for that, it was...
So how long have you worked for Andy?
3 hours No, think 3 hours?
no What is she talking about?
Just be honest, come on 3 ears No, 3 years Yeah, that's make more sense Certainly And what's he like as a boss?
A wanker no...
He's a wanker?
No, she didn't mean that Listen, listen, listen to her He plays darts, all the time I love darts.
I don't know why, I've just I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow Is she actually your P.A.?
Is she...
Is she actually your P.A.?
Who?
That's lady there, is she actually your P.A.?
Sorry, I don't know what do you mean by actually Well, do you employ her?
Employ is a strong term Strong in what term?
In a sense that it's a bit weird to ask someone about their PA when they are being interviewed Well, it's just a clarification, really.
About the article She said she's my PA, you've seen me get along with it, so based on that what assessment are you trying to make?
Well, I get the impression she's not your P.A.
Opposite impression that I would want, from this...
Did Ridley Scott actually phoned you earlier?
According to her, are you calling her a liar?
So he'll remember phoning you, will he?
If l speak to him later What's his memory like?
You know him better than me But you spoke to him earlier on the phone, didn't you?
Yeah, couldn't hear him But you were relaying my messages to him Yeesss Yes, well done, and I am saying now, admitting I couldn't hear a word Could you just answer the question - is she your PA?
No, it's a joke.
Of course she's pretending, it's a wind-up It's just something we always do to journalists You always do?
What do you mean by always?
Do you need a P.A.
in real life Andy?
No Cause I can do with the money Should I pack then?
Yep, may as well Bought that as a gift for Andy Didn't want it, wasn't interested Should have known then something was brewing.
How about these?
Nothing in 'em, just put 'em up there in case the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults Kids can be cruel Yeah, they can What do they say?
You know what they say Lanky four-eyed twat?
Yeah Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp?
Sometimes Frankenstein's albino gonk?
I never heard that one It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings Sheep shagger they said sometimes as well I thought sheep shagger was Welsh?
No, it can be Bristol as well I thought Bristol was inbreeding Sheep shagging, inbreeding, slavery, we're famous for loads of stuff down there alright Barry?
yeah Could do with a hug, mate Yeah Queers Ignore him Show me the money So, "When the Whistle Blows", the BBC are begging for a Christmas Special...
No What do you mean no?
I don't want to do it anymore You'll be mad to say no I don't care, that's it, I want to do Hollywood films or TV, but cool TV, American TV We've got cool TV over here, I've got offers Alright, do you want to be an alien, in doctor who?
No They offered you a guest part in Hotel Babylon What part of "cool" don't you understand?
Alright, well, we've had a movie offer Buddy film Oh...
No, no listen, it's a comedy, starring Rob Schneider as a horny deliveryman who looks exactly like the Prime Minister Rob will be playing both parts Get me a Hollywood film.
Andy, with all due respect, I really don't think Martin Scorsese is gonna be sitting in his London hotel room flicking through the channels going, I've never seen this bloke before, shouting "You having a laugh?"
but I think I've got a wig that will fit him Why would you say that to me?
Because you have chosen a very specific path I want to get off it.
If that's what it takes to get respect, then definitely I'm gonna finish it I don't want to come up with more wacky characters , shouting catchphrases to appeal to kids and morons I want to do something credible.
I might want to direct one day and I'm not gonna get respect like this, so I'm finishing the sitcom That's mad, that's killing a cash cow I'm ending the sitcom, there you go done Alright, yeah, you could do that or you could think people are still watching let's milk it If people are stupid enough to keep on watching it, let's keep on giving it to them They've seen it all before They've seen everything, every sketch, slightly rewritten, every character They've heard every catchphrase shouted a thousand times Yes...
but, have they seen an episode set in Spain?
It's great, thanks Excuse me Sorry to bother you I'm an extra, but I�m an actor, really and I know you've been in my position and I just wonder if there is a line or a few lines you need someone to do I'll really appreciate the opportunity I'm not really involved with casting What's your name?
Phil I will have a word with the floor manager, if anything comes up, I'll put a word in for you Thank you, sorry to bother you That's all right Why do the extras are coming to me?
sorry?
Why are the extras waving out and bothering me?
why are they not in their paddock or wherever you keep 'em?
I think they sort of look up to you were in their boat a while ago Alright, so I'll sit down with them and reminisce about old times?
or should I go on with my job, that pays their wages and yours?
Sorry, I didn't realize I'll tell him, not to do it again No, he won't do it again, cause I won't be around again Okay Yeah?
Hey, my man Hello there, Darren Lamb.
I'm here to see Andy Millman, star of "When the wind blows" It's "The whistle" Yes, if I could just...
Do you have a pass?
No, I'm a friend of his, I'll just go...There is no problem I can't let anyone in without a pass no?
We are friends but we've had a bit of a falling out I don't want to hassle you with it, but if I could just...
I can't help you, sorry sir Okay, that's all right Thanks a lot What's happened?
I think we both know what's happened, don't we, really What's happened is I've tried to jump over the barrier and that ain't panned out as I had hoped and so if you just let me free, I'll go home and say nothing more about it, we'll both have a lovely Christmas.
That sounds like a plan don't it?
What are you doing?
Mate, I know this woman They won't let me in You have not got a pass?
No, I�m just trying to get and see Andy every time I've tried to phone him, he's always on voice mail Can she just walk me in?
Not without a pass It's all about a pass with you, innit?
Can I get him a pass Yeah, why not I'm gonna get a pass from Andy Wait there Cheers Ooh, There you are Andy, I've just seen Darren up there And he says he can't get in And why are you telling me?
Well, he says I keeps trying to call you but your phone's switched off No, it's not.
I just don't answer when I see it's him Can we not just get him a pass and he can sit up in the back?
I don't want him in here I know, but I told him I would get him in Well, you lied He says he really wants to see you Life's cruel So I've got to go and tell him he can't get in?
And Maggie...
You can't keep coming up to me I can't what?
You can't keep coming up and talk to me in front of the other extras They see you, they go "Oh, she's an extra, she's his equal, maybe we're his equal" I'm not an extra Not, you were And so were you I'm a little bit busy alright?
Andy can't get you a pass He said he's really sorry and, that he will love to have you in there but he just...can't bend the rules, fire regulations or something That makes sense.
I imagine the fire regulations are quite strict at the BBC, aren't they?
Alright well, thanks for trying It's okay Nice to see you again You too, bye Oh, It's good to be back But what a perfect holiday and everything has worked out brilliantly It certainly has, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams I got that promotion I wanted And ever since Gobbler fell off that donkey, he's not been the same Indeed not, As Confucius once said, "They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom" I don't get it Brains is so much happier now that he's out of the closet Oh, I am In fact, last night I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man, he took me to a sea food restaurant, fed me my favourite meal Fist you?
No, he certainly did not It was our first dat
I'm learning to play the recorder Why?
Well, it's the school's idea, they say that every now and then, you should swap places with your child So each of you gets to see how the other half lives So I�m learning how to play the recorder What's your daughter's doing?
Oh, she's sat at home with a bottle of gin, thinking about her failed marriage Rita, you're a card Yeah, the Joker Oh, it' no good, it's too difficult Rita, I used to play the recorder at school, let me help your learn Thank you Brance Okay, so...
Yes Mr.
Yamaguchi...
No Mr.
Yamaguchi...
Can I just say, one more time, I�m velly velly solly I mean, very very sorry.
I'll talk to you too, I'll talk to you, good bye Rita, just relax...
But it's so hard...
Just take it in your hand...
...and blow...
Don't suck...
Oh, that's good.
What the bloody hell is going on here Oh, sorry Mr.
Stokes I don't know when I�m blowing or when I�m sucking She's learning to play the recorder, Mr.
Stokes What does it record?
Hein?
What does it record?
it doesn't record anything Why is it called a recorder for, then?
I don't get it Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?
Ah, sometimes Gobbler...
Raymond...
Oh my god !
What is it?
Raymond...
It's only my bloody twin sister Hello Raymond What are you doing here?
A younger gets lonely.
Maybe still but what are YOU doing here?
Mr.
Millman...
What?
Hello there, sorry to bother you, I saw you in here, my name is Richard, I�m the manager You've got to help me Why?
Would you mind signing a few of these?
What, now?
They're not moving...
Just as many as you can manage, if you sign ten, that's ten more chances of selling I thought the public would lap this tat up for Christmas but they're more discerning than I thought Even the Kramer doll are selling better than this one I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loooving it !
Shut up !
Fifty years ago they had you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass !
Cheap and ugly, isn't it?
I suppose that's the problem It is ugly Are you having a laugh?
Are you having a laugh?
Are you having a laugh?
Who to thought people would eventually find that irritating?
The thing is, you got to order these things like a year in advance Still...I won't make the same mistake again.
No.
I'll make my money back next Christmas I've ordered ten thousand Sanjaya dolls Ah, you're laughing then, aren't you?
What would you rather do, right?
Never celebrate Christmas ever or have Christmas every day?
If it's Christmas every day, what do I have to do?
Nothing, it's Christmas, you just sit at home, watching the TV, having the day off What, so no one works, there no industry, no government, it's chaos So you've rather never celebrate Christmas?
Yeah, if that was the choice So you'll be Jewish, they don't celebrate Christmas Why would I suddenly be Jewish?
I don't know what you're talking about...
ready?
yes Look, it's Greg, in a film.
Oh, come on, we can't watch TV in the day No, no wait, I want to see No man has the right to kill his brother It is no excuse to do so in uniform It merely adds the infamy of servitude, to the crime of murder I love Clive Owen Ugf...Clive...good name for a film star If we must have a tyrant, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business, and let us fall by the axe, and not by the butcher's cleaver Greg seems good in it It'll be a bit part I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley Jones, the two leads in the film He's one of the leads in a terrible film I thought the film was brilliant He thought it was brilliant Oh, I can hear?
Greg, you play Shelly.
And I have to say, it's one of the most exciting performance I think I've ever seen How was it for you working with such an established star as Clive Owen?
Let me say, he is such a down to earth guy, he's just so real We had a good time I had a great time I know a lot of people are saying that but we really really did get along well I can't believe you persuaded me to do these things, they're not even selling apparently cause they're embarrassing...
loads are lying around in bargain bins for ages.
Cheap tat Well yeah but they cut the prices to try and shift a few but the good thing is that because they all so cheap to manufacture, we still get paid 40 p a time...
cause they're made in sweat shops.
Oh, thanks god for the exploitation of 10 years old children Absolutely.
And the funny thing is of course that your key demographic as well is in the kids so even if they doing like a 14 hours a day, it's probably living a hell of a time you know, pressing "You having a laugh?".
They're probably enjoying themselves 'cause it's nice I hope it doesn't distract them from their work, they would get a beating I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna hear this Don't listen to him, they wouldn't work there if they didn't like it I don't think they got a lot of choice, to be honest As Henri Matisse once said : " The right happiness in oneself from a good day of work for illuminating the fog that surrounds us" Oh yeah?
What are you working on today?
I'm trying to get this dog muck out of a shoe, it's a nightmare Next door is Great Dane, the stench is unbelievable I've seen him feeding eggs, oil boiled eggs, to a dog, it's mad Really, I don't care I don't want to be associated with this sort of staff To the general public, there is no difference between me and that doll What?
Little fat ugly thing?
Pathetic?
No?
No, I put on...
I'll put on a wig and shot a catch phrase I want to be associated with credible stuff Oh, yeah, we've had offers.
Part in the BBC's jewel in the crown, Dr Who no Hotel Babylon?
No, I don't want to do...camp, frothy nonsense I want to do something classy Celebrity Big Brother've been on the phone You're not listening?
It's good money...
Not in a million years What about films?
What happen to films?
We did have a call.
Have you heard about this Byron film that everyone is raving about?
Yeah Well, they making a sequel, should be classy, should be good It's about what it's mean to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity They wanted you to go into an audition Right Obviously I said no What do you mean you said no?
Well they were asking for someone who was either 36, handsome, dashing and I presumed they had to be taller than you.
So I thought it was safe...
Always do the audition Look at you, that's insane, I might as well send Barry Call them back and say you have the perfect person for the part Who?
Me !
No, I don't want to waste their time Why should I have to persuade my agent to get me an audition?
It should be the other way around If I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing Oh, no one could thinks you don't know what you're doing.
You're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry Well thanks, maybe you'll be surprised Get me the audition Okay, that's a ten minutes break everyone, sandwiches are over here Could you just let the actors and the crew have theirs first, please Can you hold on?
Are you Maggie?
Yes Andy wants to see you in his dressing room What, now?
Yeah Chop chop Oh, hello Mrs.
Millman, is Andy in?
It's a face pack, don't laugh at me now What is this for?
For a film For a film, it comes for a film?
Help me out, don't comment Is that a girdle?
No, it just helps firm up the...
Flab?
Right, come on in, quick Are you serious?
Oh my god...
Yeah, come on That's not gonna work Jesus Christ, of course it is I don't hear you laugh, don't hear you laugh Now go on in, oh I'm going right on Where do your organs go?
Do They just get closer together or am I gonna cough up a kidney in the audition?
Andrew Millman You looking good Been working out, ain't it?
I'm sorry, I must declare an interest.
Actually me and Andy are very old friends, we...
we've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together Some of us, got a little further than others...
Anyway, I won't be biased So, which role are we all here for?
Henri Milligan Hang on Copy, Henri Milligan says here age 36...
Yeah, I took that as meaning he's in his late thirties We'll change it to late thirties Hang on, Henri Milligan says here late thirties...
Should we do one?
Yeah Do you want to stand up?
Yes, easy Ah, Henri Milligan, allow me to introduce myself Your reputation precedes you sir, and it's one...the...
Sorry, sorry, can we stop proceeding.
Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff Can we just rewind that and see what happened?
I don't know if everyone else saw that?
Hey, it's his belly.
Andy, did your diaphragm just collapsed?
Andy seems to have scuttled off...
Allo it's me, leave a message after the tone and I�ll get back to you.
Did that record?
I, it's me, do you fancy some lunch, at the Ivy, half 8.
I can tell you all about my brilliant audition Alright, give us a call back.
Cheers, bye Andy Millman Alright Bunny?
What are you doing?
waiting...
waiting...for what?
Cock !
never too early for that, is it?
Don't you know about this area?
No, I just moved in This area is famous for it, I'm here all the time This is known as the waiting bench Oh, by the way, loving the show cheers You having a laugh?
Keep walking, keep walking !
She'll never get anything in the daylight Alright Bunny?
Alright George any action?
I only got 20 minutes actually, I'm on my lunch break lunch break?
Yeah, I'm doing community service Are you still doing that?
Oh no, not that one, I'm doing another one I'm picking up litter now Alright...What did you do wrong this time?
Fly tipping...believe it or not Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge freezer and she says : "Should I call the council?"
ans I say : "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street" So, at 2h30 in the morning, we're tipping it in here and the fucking police show up How is that you get involve then?
Well, it was Stuart Copland's the skip and he called Sting and Sting called the fucking council cause he's a fucking do-gooder And I am here now, picking up litter Well, I'll better get going cause I'm gonna have to go back to work soon Come on then you, I'll give you a quickie I'm not that desperate Mate Cheeky bastard Would you do me a favor and look out for paparazzis, I'm gonna go and try over there I'd love to Cheers I've had him before, you know...in his car Wasn't that a bit cramped?
and he was swerving all over the bloody road Look, keep an eye over these will, will you?
That old queer cannot have got to far...
hellooo Andy Millman...
What?
I don't know what this bench is for What did you say?
Why are you sitting here?
Cause we live across the road and just fancy to sit down Well, you've got a garden, ain't you, why not sit in your garden?
No bench.
If you want to sit in the garden, fine, but you'll be sitting on the grass Yeah, but why you sitting on the queer bench?
Have you seen George Michael?
Strange question My editor wants a picture of someone famous acting bent and all I've got is you sitting on a queer bench, so...
I'm not involved, so don't...
I know you're lying cos I know he's been here How do you know?
A joint...and a kebab He's in the bushes Thank you very much Thank you very much, cheers Hi, we haven't booked I wonder if you've got a table for two Well, you'll have to book, I'm afraid Can you just squeeze us in?
We won't have a starter I'm sorry, there's nothing Or a pudding We'll be 20 minutes, in and out I'm sorry You don't...euh...we're the management No, I am the manager No, on TV, we used to do these characters called "The Management" The stonk Oh, the Stonk.
Is that a restaurant?
No, it's a song we did I'm really sorry, there's nothing available but you can book up to three months in advance We don't know where we're gonna be in three months Might not be alive in three months What would you rather do?
Be on the Planet Of The Apes, you're human but you can't speak or be the first ever monkey on Earth to speak like a human, but you're a monkey?
Do I know I'm a monkey?
Yeah, You know you're a monkey Mr.
Millman, hello Sorry, we haven't booked, I'm afraid No problem, I'm sure I can squeeze you in Oh, thank you cheers, okay 0h, look, it's them two, what's their names again?
Hale and Pace.
Hale.
Pace.
Like Ant and Dec?
Without their money They just throw money at performers now Should have invested more wisely Can we not do this in public?
I asked you before It was your idea to buy the racehorse It was your idea to ride it, wasn't it?
You couldn't help us get in, could you?
I don't think there is...It was nice meeting you Cheers Oh, look, there's...what's her name...
Jade Jagger That's it What is she doing?
Fashion...someone Jade Jagger...How do you think she got her big break?
I wonder And what does Sadie Frost do?
She's friend with people I didn't know that was a job It's, yeah Oh, oh, right, OK, don't look, don't look yet, right The woman over there, an amazing face OK?
Red top, I want you to turn and look at her and I'll say her name, Ok?
Three, two, one, Elmer Fudd That's the only woman I've ever seen with a comb-over Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, my name's Tre Cooper, I represent Greg Lindley Jones You went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you?
Yeah, I wasn't right for that No, you don't think you were right for that one but there are a lot of film people out there mentioning your name and a lot of roles I think you would be right for Yeah, I also heard you're not entirely happy with your show It's not how I wanted it to be Really?
No You see, I think you should be on the top of the world What does it get each week?
Seven million viewers?
Six.
Six.
Seven million viewers watch your show every week because they respond to what you do and the reviews...
I don't listen to the reviews No-one's down the pub talking about reviews, they're talking about your sitcom And you know what?
there'll always gonna be people who don't like what you do.
0h, yeah So what ?
If someone shouts "You're a wanker" you go, "Oh Yeah, look at my sports car" If they shout, "You're still a tosser!"
say, "Really, interesting, How many catchphrases have you come up with?"
None And if they're still shouting at just you, just drive away I would Drive to the bank, laughing Who's your agent?
Darren Lamb I'm not being funny, but I've never heard of him and I've been in this business 15 years Where did he come from?
Bristol No, which company did he start with?
I don't think he ever worked for a company He has, he worked part time at the car phone warehouse Look, I don't know the guy Why would you, you're in the business?
I don't want to disrespect him, but business is business and if there's any deadwood in your organisation, you have got to get rid of it It may seem harsh but life's cruel and no one�s gonna help your career but you I'm an extra, and I love Clive Owen, can I get a part in that Byron film?
That's alright, she's asking.
Well done Consider it done My card And seriously, if l can be of any help, call me, we'll sit down Sorry for interrupting your meal It's all right 0h, catch of the day, Dover sole, it is superb Have a great lunch.
Cheers Oh, Elmer's looking over Oh, hello, hi ya I recommend the wabbit, I mean the rabbit She doesn't know, does she?
How the hell did you do that?
I don't know, they get stuck, don't they?
That is...
That's stuck fast, if I...
that's gonna break...
Well, don't break it I'll put it up over your head, yeah Are you ready?
You just pull back, right?
Ok, go!
Just pull, Darren What about my head, brainiac!
How is that...
just pull back I can't help you if you don't pull back.
I am pulling back What exactly is your plan?
What are you actually intending to do now?
Just you pull back Did you learn nothing in the fame academy, all right?
Power is not everything, you just need to be subtle.
Don't sing everything like it's bloody Mustang Sally OK, Clive...
You, over here, please Quickly, quick sharp, yep, yep OK, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute.
All right As he leaves in the morning, I thought he could just turn, and then throw the money on the floor with contempt and then say your line, "Thank you for your hospitality" Yeah, I'm not very happy with this.
I know it's a bit aggressive, but it's just a character point.
No, I mean this one been a prostitute I wouldn't pay for that Right...
It's gotta be a better one than this Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload of absolute hogs and this is the very best one Really?
Yeah Jesus...
I don't want to be difficult, it's just that I would never pay for a prostitute that looked like that No way Right...
What if she wasn't a prostitute, if she was just a slut, so it was free?
Yeah, I still could do better, though OK, what if she is a prostitute, but you refuse to pay?
OK, so you don't throw money on the floor, you just...throw food and you make her eat it like a dog Well, I'm telling you.
If I'd slept with that I wouldn't throw food on the floor, I'd throw it in her face OK, what food would you throw?
Cause I've got to get props on to that It should be some kind of gruel as if I've found some oats on the stable floor, mix it with shit and like, wet cabbage What would be great is like when it claps into her face it just sort of looks like a rancid cowpat.
OK No, I like that, I like that...
Can we get the shit and the dung and the cabbage together Make sure it sticks to the face...
It will.
OK, let's try that then, please OK, for rehearsal then...
Excuse me I'm not happy with that Sorry?
I'm not happy with that.
I don't want the dung on my face You get extra money, don't you worry about that.
Don't care.
Not bothered, I just don't want to do it, full stop Right, OK, you either do it, or you go home Ok...
Ok, right See you then Honestly, I mean, you give these people a chance Got to get another on OK, you, over here, please Oh, fuck off, I'm Clive Owen That's mental !
Frankly, the BBC are taking the proverbial Seriously, the money you're getting for the show is an insult.
I'm gonna get tough with them and we'll get this sorted for the next series I don't think I want to do another series.
I've been thinking of knocking this on the head...
With the right management behind you, there's a lot of money to be made I don't care.
I'm not proud.
I want to do bigger and better I'm not proud of having Britain's no1 catchphrase Is there an Oscar for that?
No No, but they are thinking of introducing a British Comedy Award for it Of course they are Look, I want to hold my head up To me, saying you've got Britain's no1 catchphrase is like saying you've got Britain's no1 wasting disease You're not Britain's no1 catchphrase any more.
I'm not?
You're not no1 anymore Good.
To be totally...Who's number one?
0h, it's..."Am I bowered?"
What am I, no2 or something?
No.
no2 is, "You are the weakest link, goodbye."
Then no3 is "You're having a laugh?"
In at no3, it changes depending on what survey you are doing What survey is that?
It's a survey of 8 to 11 year olds Well, if they want catchphrases I'll give 'em catchphrases I don't get it.
Is he having a laugh?
I need a man !
Join the queue Oh, bugger me!
He's out and about!
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine...
Children singing christian rhyme, with logs on the fire, gifts 'neath the tree...
Any messages mate?
Yeah, a couple.
BT called What, British Telecom?
Oh, yeah What were they after?
They wanted to know if you were happy with the service Very happy as well as very pleased That's what I told them cause I thought you were happy, but they wanted to talk to you specifically They would do cause my name's on the bill Yes it is, and apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls Oh, really, that's very generous of them, very nice, yeah Do they want me to call back?
No, they said they'll call back I don't mind calling them.
I said you'd be back about two, It's ten to now so just wait for them to call I'll wait until just after two, if they haven't called, give them a bell yeah It's an 0800 number, so...free It's free Anything else, any other...
Yes, Andy new agent called Andy's fired you and gone with a new bloke so you're no longer to have any dealings with him whatsoever Sorry, I was thinking about free evening and weekend calls What were you saying?
Andy Millman, he's fired you What do you mean he's fired me?
Well, you no longer Andy Millman's agent, so...
Why are you telling me this now?
Why did you tell me the BT stuff first?
Because I'm doing it in chronological order I was excited about the BT stuff, now I'm depressed I didn't know that if I'd said, number one, Andy's fired you and number two, BT has offered you a generous new tariff, the good news would have been soured by the bad news anyway I didn't know what to do for the best He's fired me?
Let me ask you this...
Where do you want to be in 5 years of time?
Sat in a Hollywood mansion watching my butler polish my Oscar It's good, thinking big, nothing wrong with that But first things first, what I'll need you to concentrate on is...
Excuse me Yeah Richard Curtis for you Does he wanna talk about Africa again?
I think so Tell him to donate the profits from the Vicar 0f Dibley They'll be eating like Dawn in no time harsh...
life's cruel Er, listen, tell him you can't get hold of me, tell him I'm snowboarding Okay Sorry about that Profile, you need to boost your profile Success is all about getting your face seen Yeah Truth is, at the moment, Andy, you're kind of...you're C-list...top of the C-list, but I'm gonna get you on top of the A-list I can't snap my fingers and do that overnight You need to win an Emmy or direct something but we can get you to the top of the B-list pretty quickly just by making sure you're seen out and about movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings, stuff like that...
You're single aren't you?
Yeah Good Good, so firstly what we want you to do is be seen coming out of clubs and restaurants with some newsworthy trollops You shagged any of those tabloid beauties?
no Not even that?
no Isn't everyone?
Not me What've you been doing?
I know she's got a cancellation next Friday so we'll set something up for then No, no, I'm not into that.
I don't want to do it that way Do you want to get on the B-list or not?
Yes, but not the Hepatitis B list Right, OK, no, that's not a problem, I've got some contacts at the broadsheets right Paula, can you get me Emily Whitford at The Guardian, please Yep So what do you do?
I was a film extra Oh, glamorous It's not really, I'm not doing it anymore, it's too depressing I'm too old to be right at the bottom of the pile being told what to do, scrabbling about in the dirt for a few quid an hour.
What do you do now?
I'm a cleaner I scrabble around in the dirt for a few quid an hour Ok, so...here is the place here we go carpets...
Spider?
Yep, that won't be bothering you any more no You just gonna leave it there?
If you want...
No, I don't want it particularly Fine, that'll all be professionally cleaned.
Scraped off Where is the bedroom?
No, it's all in here What, this is it?
Tiny little kitchen over here and...there is a lavatory It's everything you need, you'll never have to leave this place If the worst comes to the worst if you were bedridden with a spinal injury or something, heaven forbid Then it's all here, should that happen Where do I sleep?
Look at that...That's good, isn't it?
That's like James Bond or something From Russia with love Live And Let Die I can't put anything underneath that, can I?
Yeah, of course you can, coffee table or what not just move it before you go to bed What, every single night?
A chimpanzee makes a nest every night in a tree or whatever and he doesn't complain no I hadn't planned to live like a chimpanzee Well, this is the only place in your price range really, so...
I know, I know What's the area like then?
Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you There�s is quite a large black and asian community, there's some chinese and it does get very Araby towards the high street but there is nothing we can do about it No, I mean, what it is like in term of the amenities, is there a supermarket?
Oh, yeah, yeah a supermarket...Yes, there is a lot of lovely different shops around here It's a very cosmopolitan area for food, I mean do you like chinese food?
Yes Asian food?
Good for Halal meats Do you like jerk chicken, just like momma used to make?
There is one of those...euh...
I bet you can probably see it from the window Yep There it is Where have you been, we said 3 o'clock Sorry, I've been looking out for flats, I'm gonna have to downsize Tell me later.
I'm about to do an interview, in a first session, the Weekend Guardian, really good publicity sort of the 'man behind the silly wig' and all that Woo When she gets here, you open the door for me 0h, no, why me?
Say you're my P.A.
Oh, no Yeah, give the illusion of life of success and everything, right?
Then when we're in there, come in and go "Oh, Andy, sorry, Ridley Scott's on the phone" Who?
Ridley Scott Who is that then?
Oscar-winning director...Gladiator, Blade Runner Is he gonna call?
He's not really gonna call No?
You say he's on the phone And then, she'll think I'm a...player Ohh That's her, alright, okay...
Answer the door and just look a bit secretarial.
Do something...
hello hi would you like to come this way Andy Hi Thank you, Mr.
Millman Thanks for doing this My absolute pleasure, welcome to my humble abode You don't talk like I thought you would You've seen me in character, there's much more than silly wigs No, I've seen you on chat shows, you didn't speak like that No, but there is Andy Millman the writer, Andy Millman the actor, Andy Millman the charity worker...
And who was that?
Slash this slash that...
That's how I thought you talked How do you want me to talk?
Just normal like you're at home I'm at home Just speak like that then Can we tone it down?
So, you mentioned your charity work.
What charity are you involved with?
Africa The main one that people care about, innit?
You're not going to release an awful comedy single, are you, for charity, so you can get in the charts and boost your profile?
Not just so I can boost my profile, no But you are releasing a comedy single?
Well, no, it's me as Ray, doing a cover of Nine To Five, and it's a fun video, cos we've got loads of sort of celebs in it We've got Craig Charles, Sam Fox, jade Goody's mum god Bunch of saddos Well, the good ones didn't want to do it, did they?
We had to use look-alikes for some of them They will be sorry, though when it gets number one And we'll get number one so let's not slag it off before it's saved some Ethiopians You in a hurry?
0h, no, no, sorry, I've got another interview to get to I'm a little nervous actually Why, for meeting me?
No, god no.
Have you seen the Byron film?
Yeah I'm interviewing Greg Lindley Jones Why are you nervous about meeting him?
He's got such a sort of brooding intensity, he's like a young Richard Burn Young Richard Simon more like Well, I'm not slagging him off but let's not...
Mr.
Millman, the phone call has just come in Oh, who is it?
Is it Wiggly Scott?
Ridley Scott, yeah.
The award winning director of Gladiator and Blade Runner What does he want?
Cheers.
Sorry about this Hey, Ridley, I can't talk now, I'm out with a journal.
Say hello from me.
what?
We know each other from Cannes.
Say hello from me.
Emily Whitford Emily Whitford What's he say?
Nothing Ask him how is ankle is.
He'll laugh Will he?
How's your ankle?
Is he laughing?
sort of Let me speak to him What?
Let her speak to him Let me speak to him Hold on, All right Oh, what's he done?
Hung up?
Why is he done that.
Sorry about that, cheers Can I ask you a few questions?
What about?
I'm not very good at general knowledge No, about working for Andy Probably not a good idea Also, if you are in a hurry...
Cheers for that, it was...
So how long have you worked for Andy?
3 hours No, think 3 hours?
no What is she talking about?
Just be honest, come on 3 ears No, 3 years Yeah, that's make more sense Certainly And what's he like as a boss?
A wanker no...
He's a wanker?
No, she didn't mean that Listen, listen, listen to her He plays darts, all the time I love darts.
I don't know why, I've just I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow Is she actually your P.A.?
Is she...
Is she actually your P.A.?
Who?
That's lady there, is she actually your P.A.?
Sorry, I don't know what do you mean by actually Well, do you employ her?
Employ is a strong term Strong in what term?
In a sense that it's a bit weird to ask someone about their PA when they are being interviewed Well, it's just a clarification, really.
About the article She said she's my PA, you've seen me get along with it, so based on that what assessment are you trying to make?
Well, I get the impression she's not your P.A.
Opposite impression that I would want, from this...
Did Ridley Scott actually phoned you earlier?
According to her, are you calling her a liar?
So he'll remember phoning you, will he?
If l speak to him later What's his memory like?
You know him better than me But you spoke to him earlier on the phone, didn't you?
Yeah, couldn't hear him But you were relaying my messages to him Yeesss Yes, well done, and I am saying now, admitting I couldn't hear a word Could you just answer the question - is she your PA?
No, it's a joke.
Of course she's pretending, it's a wind-up It's just something we always do to journalists You always do?
What do you mean by always?
Do you need a P.A.
in real life Andy?
No Cause I can do with the money Should I pack then?
Yep, may as well Bought that as a gift for Andy Didn't want it, wasn't interested Should have known then something was brewing.
How about these?
Nothing in 'em, just put 'em up there in case the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults Kids can be cruel Yeah, they can What do they say?
You know what they say Lanky four-eyed twat?
Yeah Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp?
Sometimes Frankenstein's albino gonk?
I never heard that one It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings Sheep shagger they said sometimes as well I thought sheep shagger was Welsh?
No, it can be Bristol as well I thought Bristol was inbreeding Sheep shagging, inbreeding, slavery, we're famous for loads of stuff down there alright Barry?
yeah Could do with a hug, mate Yeah Queers Ignore him Show me the money So, "When the Whistle Blows", the BBC are begging for a Christmas Special...
No What do you mean no?
I don't want to do it anymore You'll be mad to say no I don't care, that's it, I want to do Hollywood films or TV, but cool TV, American TV We've got cool TV over here, I've got offers Alright, do you want to be an alien, in doctor who?
No They offered you a guest part in Hotel Babylon What part of "cool" don't you understand?
Alright, well, we've had a movie offer Buddy film Oh...
No, no listen, it's a comedy, starring Rob Schneider as a horny deliveryman who looks exactly like the Prime Minister Rob will be playing both parts Get me a Hollywood film.
Andy, with all due respect, I really don't think Martin Scorsese is gonna be sitting in his London hotel room flicking through the channels going, I've never seen this bloke before, shouting "You having a laugh?"
but I think I've got a wig that will fit him Why would you say that to me?
Because you have chosen a very specific path I want to get off it.
If that's what it takes to get respect, then definitely I'm gonna finish it I don't want to come up with more wacky characters , shouting catchphrases to appeal to kids and morons I want to do something credible.
I might want to direct one day and I'm not gonna get respect like this, so I'm finishing the sitcom That's mad, that's killing a cash cow I'm ending the sitcom, there you go done Alright, yeah, you could do that or you could think people are still watching let's milk it If people are stupid enough to keep on watching it, let's keep on giving it to them They've seen it all before They've seen everything, every sketch, slightly rewritten, every character They've heard every catchphrase shouted a thousand times Yes...
but, have they seen an episode set in Spain?
It's great, thanks Excuse me Sorry to bother you I'm an extra, but I�m an actor, really and I know you've been in my position and I just wonder if there is a line or a few lines you need someone to do I'll really appreciate the opportunity I'm not really involved with casting What's your name?
Phil I will have a word with the floor manager, if anything comes up, I'll put a word in for you Thank you, sorry to bother you That's all right Why do the extras are coming to me?
sorry?
Why are the extras waving out and bothering me?
why are they not in their paddock or wherever you keep 'em?
I think they sort of look up to you were in their boat a while ago Alright, so I'll sit down with them and reminisce about old times?
or should I go on with my job, that pays their wages and yours?
Sorry, I didn't realize I'll tell him, not to do it again No, he won't do it again, cause I won't be around again Okay Yeah?
Hey, my man Hello there, Darren Lamb.
I'm here to see Andy Millman, star of "When the wind blows" It's "The whistle" Yes, if I could just...
Do you have a pass?
No, I'm a friend of his, I'll just go...There is no problem I can't let anyone in without a pass no?
We are friends but we've had a bit of a falling out I don't want to hassle you with it, but if I could just...
I can't help you, sorry sir Okay, that's all right Thanks a lot What's happened?
I think we both know what's happened, don't we, really What's happened is I've tried to jump over the barrier and that ain't panned out as I had hoped and so if you just let me free, I'll go home and say nothing more about it, we'll both have a lovely Christmas.
That sounds like a plan don't it?
What are you doing?
Mate, I know this woman They won't let me in You have not got a pass?
No, I�m just trying to get and see Andy every time I've tried to phone him, he's always on voice mail Can she just walk me in?
Not without a pass It's all about a pass with you, innit?
Can I get him a pass Yeah, why not I'm gonna get a pass from Andy Wait there Cheers Ooh, There you are Andy, I've just seen Darren up there And he says he can't get in And why are you telling me?
Well, he says I keeps trying to call you but your phone's switched off No, it's not.
I just don't answer when I see it's him Can we not just get him a pass and he can sit up in the back?
I don't want him in here I know, but I told him I would get him in Well, you lied He says he really wants to see you Life's cruel So I've got to go and tell him he can't get in?
And Maggie...
You can't keep coming up to me I can't what?
You can't keep coming up and talk to me in front of the other extras They see you, they go "Oh, she's an extra, she's his equal, maybe we're his equal" I'm not an extra Not, you were And so were you I'm a little bit busy alright?
Andy can't get you a pass He said he's really sorry and, that he will love to have you in there but he just...can't bend the rules, fire regulations or something That makes sense.
I imagine the fire regulations are quite strict at the BBC, aren't they?
Alright well, thanks for trying It's okay Nice to see you again You too, bye Oh, It's good to be back But what a perfect holiday and everything has worked out brilliantly It certainly has, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams I got that promotion I wanted And ever since Gobbler fell off that donkey, he's not been the same Indeed not, As Confucius once said, "They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom" I don't get it Brains is so much happier now that he's out of the closet Oh, I am In fact, last night I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man, he took me to a sea food restaurant, fed me my favourite meal Fist you?
No, he certainly did not It was our first dat