Programma Televisivo: American Dad! - 1x15
American Dad : Star Trek "Bush Appoints Stephen King As Ambassador To Terror" Syncro by Damage Funny I always wanted a pool filled with cherry Jell-0.
Well, in the end, I got it.
I got a lot of things on my rise to stardom: women, respect that joke about the ten-inch pianist.
Can't believe I never got that before.
And I can't believe this all began just a few weeks ago.
Stars...they're just like us.
Ooh!
Here's Tara Reid buying a gallon of vodka and a case of morning-after pills.
I drink gallons of vodka.
I should be a star.
Ah, what a good night's rest.
I had that wonderful recurring dream, where I'm giving a lecture naked and I'm a resounding success.
Now, how about a kiss?
-Good God, Francine,your roots are showing!
-I know.
My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he was straight.
Apparently, it is a choice.
-Yes,it is.
Absolutely Anyway, the only good hairdresser ft this is Mr.
Beauregard, but it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody But you do know somebody, Francine.
You know Roger.
Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Don't...
cry in front of a fish.
Morning, Steve, I packed your favorite lunch: PB and J.
With the crusts cut off!
And cherry Jell-O.
Someday I'd like to have a swimming pool filled with cherry Jell-O.
Anyway, Dad, my English teacher, Mr.
Durbin, is your biggest fan.
Can I get your autograph for him?
Sure. "
To Mr.
Durbin, keep on rockin'.
Yours in Christ."
Dad, that's Steve's report card.
You're failing English?
What?
What do you know?
And I'm getting straight A's.
Well, that's great, sweetheart.
Congratulations.
Hey, it's been a while.
Steve, how could you be failing English?
It's not my fault; my teacher hates me.
Hates you, huh?
Well, perhaps I need to pay Mr.
Durbin a little visit.
Well, what a nice visit.
Oh, Mr.
Durbin, the pleasure was all mine.
And thanks, Lynn, for the delicious maple scones.
Can we have another pony ride?
Oh, no, this old horse has to get back to the stable.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Durbin, I almost forgot.
I wanted to ask you...
Why do you hate my son?!
Shut up!
Don't look at me.
Get on the floor!
You!
Get me more maple scones.
Why are you failing my son?!
Answer me, dirt bag.
He had his Japanese friend do his writing assignment.
Oh, I see.
Well, good night.
Good night, Lynn.
Oh, don't get up, kids.
Seriously, stare at the floor and count to a hundred!
Go ahead, Erik, be a hero.
That's what I thought.
Punk ass.
You'd think that people would have had enough Of silly love songs...
I look around me, and I see it isn't so!
What?
-I mean, why'd you cheat?
I'm sorry.
It's just, creative writing is hard.
I can't do it. "
Can't"?
We don't live in "Ameri-can't," Steve.
We live inmerica.
No, no, no no, wait.
We live in "Ameri-can."
No, wait, that's not right, wait.
We are "Ameri-can."
Wh-where was I going with this?
Um, I said, "Creative writing is hard."
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
Perseverance, Steve, it's all about perseverance.
And if I Ameri-can't teach you about it I have a friend who Ameri-will.
Well, that sounded good.
Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together.
Steve, meet "Patriot Pigeon."
You wrote a children's book?
No, Steve, I wrote 3,012 children's books, each chronicling the adventures of Patriot Pigeon, who battles America's enemies by dropping red-white-and and-blue turds of justice.
Wow.
So how many of your books have been published?
None.
See that?
That's over 10,000 rejection letters, and counting.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
I'm not.
You see, Steve, true success isn't about getting recognition or fame, it's about never giving up.
So, what do you say?
Have I inspired you to do that writing assignment?
NO How about now?
That's the hand I write with.
That's negative thinking.
Hey, how about a story where a boy's hand is glued to a table and he slowly starves to death?
That's good stuff.
Thanks, J.C.
I don't know what to write about.
I'm never gonna be a star.
People are never gonna see me in US Weekly and say: "Ooh, Roger..."
"...picks up a vase, just like us."
"Ooh, Roger drops expensive vases, just like us."
"Ooh, Roger..."
"Roger starts to black out, just like..."
Oh, Mr.
Beauregard, I feel born anew.
Well, of course you do, darling.
I use genuine human placenta.
That's where it gets its luster.
Mr Beauregard.
I-I would love for you to put expelled uterine matter in my hair.
If I were you,I'd take your hair behind a shed and shoot it.
Ride, Montague.
Anything for me?
Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap.
Hey, it's from me.
What's this? "
P & Q Publishing."
Oh, good, another rejection letter. "
Dear Mr.
Smith, it is with great pleasure that we have decided to publish your book!"
What's going on?
I'm going to be published.
Oh, glorious day!
All those wasted years of writing finally have meaning.
But what about all that stuff about not needing recognition?
Oh, that's what people say when they're dead inside.
Now, let's see which one of my Patriot Pigeon books they're publishing.
Roger the Alien?
Hey, that's the story I wrote for English.
What?
You wrote a story about me?
I'll take that, Dad.
Mr.
Durbin said he was gonna submit my story to a publisher.
So it's not "Patriot Pigeon" Poops on Planned Parenthood?
A book about me?
I'm gonna be a star!
Steve, you're the best.
Oh my God, Stan, how, upset are you?
Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed.
Oh, who gives a flying fig?
I'm a star!
So now*** a published writer, but my life had become boring.
As boring as a bad metaphor...
or a simile.
Whatever, I'm not a writer.
Got any tips for a young author?
Oh, I don't want to be recorded.
No, it's inspiring music to accompany your answer. "
I believe I can fly... "
just write something, and it'll get published.
It's easy; any idiot can do it.
It's not fair, Francine.
I write 3,000 books and...
I write 3,000 book and nobody's ever asked me for an autograph.
Don't you see, Stan?
You're Steve's father.
He couldn't have done any of this without you.
And people are gonna know that.
Yes.
Yes, people are gonna know that.
Hey, everyone, I'm Steve's father!
He came from my seed.
And she was the manure.
Francine, when I look at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.
The turnout at today's book signing was awful, and I blame you, publisher man.
Actually, it's "Publisherman".
Bill Publisherman.
Dad, it's okay I'm not into this whole book thing, anyway.
Nonsense!
You and I are going to be big.
We're going to be huge.
Just how big are you talking?
Ginormagantuan.
Well, then, what you need is to get Steve on Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade, the hottest children's book show in Langley Falls.
Great, put him on.
I'd love to but to get on, he needs to have the number one children's book in town And to get that, he'll need a hook.
Right.
We'll cut off one of his hands.
People love the disfigured...
and fear them.
No, a hook, an angle, a gimmick.
Is the boy gay?
Why?
Could that be a hook?
Hook?
A hook.
a hook, a hook.
No Is it true?
Were there really seven people at the book signing?
Yes Oh, my God, it's happening for me.
I'm almost a star.
Oh, there's my cell phone!
Oh, my God, it's Johnny Depp.
Depp-ster, what's shakin'?
That's not a cell phone.
That's a bar of soap you painted black.
Yeah, hang on, J.D.
Watch it, Klaus,or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20 mil leagues up your butt.
Bad boy?
Steve, that's it.
You can be the bad boy of children's books.
Huh?
Sure, sure.
The media loves bad boys.
Your book will fly off the shelves.
I don't know.
Look, son, you do this for me, and I'll use my CIA powers to get you: Centerfold Janet Gustafsson She's bebetiful!
And she loves the bad boys.
And so began my dark descent all the way to the top. "
Author Won't Finish his vegetables."
"Bad Boy Author Talks To Strangers" "LITTER!!
bad boy author Goes Too far" "Bad Boy Author Booked On Cap'n Monty's" Francine!
I cannot let the mother..
of Langley Falls' legendary bad-boy author look like this.
Shame on you.
Scoot on in here, girl!
Oh, my God, is it here?
You're so adorable.
Give me silly juice and watch me fall down.
What the...?
I'm ugly, and my butt is huge.
I-I-I don't...I don't get it.
They're your catchphrases.
Roger, have you even read Steve's book?
You bastard.!
Roger the clumsy alien?
Roger who sips his silly juice and goes on delusional rants?
And it's not silly juice.
It's necessary juice.
Watch your back.
Ouch.
Oh, that Ouchies.
You bastard.
Thanks to you,Dad spent all my college money buying you Dr.
Seuss' first typewriter.
You bastard.
That's what I said to my old ugly hairdo.
What's wrong, honey?
I hate being a famous author.
Do I really have to go on Cap'n Monty's?
Oh.
We, no, I suppose not.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, Steve?
Just curious...
When did you stop loving Mommy?
what?
'Cause if you loved me,you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair.
But do whatever makes you happy.
I have to go put some ointment on that hideous cesarean scar I have because of you.
But...
Hayley was the cesarean.
Oh, that's right.
With you I just tore from my "V" to my "A."
Good night.
Those were dark times as my family used and abused me.
But at least there were 2 headlights at the end of the tunnel.
Now do I get to meet that centerfold?
No, I just said that to motivate you so you'd carry me to the top.
Dad, I can't believe you lied to me.
Really?
Huh.
That's...
that's kinda my whole bit.
Hey, my first Green Room.
It isn't even green.
Showbiz.
Steve, Kevin Brougham, Dudemeister Management.
Huge fan.
So how does it feel to be a superstar?
Well, I...
I kinda hate it.
Let me guess: your family's busting your boy-bag like a bunch of gonad gangsters.
How did you know?
Bro, I see families exploiting the talented dude all the time..
I feel so trped.
I don't know what to do.
Good morn', maties.
Today...
Cap'n Monty sails his fair vessel with precious cargo: child prodigy and most likely ninth incarnation of the Buddha, Steve Smith.
Steve...
Steve Smith...
Even the name recalls simplicity Elegance.
Steve...
Welcome.
Steve...
I'm not going to ask you about your influences, or your process.
In fact, I'm not going to ask you any questions.
I am going to tell you something and that something is you, Steve Smith, are a genius.
A geniussss...
Arrg.
Steve, I will ask you one question.
I know I said no questions.
I am flawed, unlike you, Steve Smith.
Tell me...
whom would you like to thank for your success?
Here it comes, Clown.
Well, Cap'n Monty, I'd like to thank...
my new manager, Kevin, for helping me fill out the paperwork to divorce my parents.
And the shoes.
I want the shoes.
Slowly, pretty boy.
Yeah...you're a pretty boy with a pretty pair of shoes.
The court ruled in my favor.
and I was finally free of my parents.
Did the book make me rich and popular?
Yeah Did it all go to my head?
Oh, yeah.
Did I start talking like Robert Evans?
You bet your ass I did.
Did I even know who Robert Evans was?
Not by a long shot.
Francine.
Stan.
Stop this nonsense, Steve.
Dude, his name is "S" now.
And S does what S wants.
And S wants to C.L.T.D.F.H.C. "
Cut loose the dead weight from his coattails."
There should be a "W" in there.
Get in the trunk, Barry.
They were going to miss me all right, but I didn't miss them.
I was too busy tending to my stately pleasure dome: Steve-adu.
I had rooms filled with the finest antiquities.
Rooms devoted to gir on-girl action.
Scintillating I kept my chums near by in my "I don't need any family" room.
And the coup de grace: my pool...
Filled with cherry Jell-O.
Success.
That little creep is living the star lifestyle I deserve.
Well, he's gonna learn that he's messing with the wrong "Muchacho".
Stubbed-my-toe, stubbed-my-toe, stubbed-my-toe, stubbed-my-toe...
Worst part's over, worst part's over, worst part's over....
What are you doing here?
I want you to come home.
Yeah, well, you can forget it.
You used me, and you lied to me.
Guilty as charged.
But I'm going to make good on it all Starting with that centerfold I promised you.
Here she is: Centerfold Janet Gustafsson.
That's not her.
She's ancient.
Well, sure, the magazine I showed you was from 1957.
But she still loves to party.
For Steve...
zaba-dooba, dooba-dooba-doo-doo.
Bah-bah, dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah, dah-dah.
I fell...
doo-doo-doo-doo, zaba-dooba-gah-gah.
In pain...
dah-dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dah, dah-dah.
This is your idea of an apology?
Sulu!
Chekov!
Hello, old friend.
Hope you don't mind me dropping by...
To kill you.
Strange.
This window shouldn't be open.
And this window shouldn't be closed.
Oh, this should all be mine.
I mean, not this color scheme--P-U-- but everything else should be m...
Oh, God, this bust of Ben Stiller is hideous.
But it should be mine.
Bravo.
That was the g ball machine Henry Ford gave to Hitler.
S, we didn't do it.
Yeah, right.
You're all just a bunch of users like my parents.
Get out!
All of you!
Guess I'll be cutting the crust off my own sandwiches from now on.
Great.
Who tracked mud on my floor?
Hey, your knife goes real well with my novelty alien hand.
And how great is my new horror movie ring tone?
Dude, where'd you go?
Well, come into the kitchen.
What up?
S, meet Spike Baltar.
Spike Baltar.
You're my favorite actor.
Wow, you look just like me.
That's because he's gonna play you in the movie version of Roger the Alien, and he's totally method.
Wow.
I'm so happy I could die.
It's me.
I gotta take this.
Yeah, the kid's a total douche.
And his voice... "
I'm Steve Smith.
I wrote Roger the Alien."
"I'm Steve Smith. "
I was never molested..
on the set of a mustard commercial when I was nine."
Die, dream-stealer.
Oh, my God, I...
I killed Steve.
Hombre, what's the matter?
It's just I kinda miss my family.
Bro-sicle, I'm your family now, and this dude is never, ever going to leave you.
Never.
Spike Baltar's dead in your pool.
You're finished.
I'm outta here.
I'm comin', Steve.
I'm comin'.
I didn't mean to kill you.
Roger?
That's not me in the pool.
That's Spike Baltar.
Wait, you were trying to kill me?
So this is all your fault.
Oh, yeah, blame the alien.
The cops'll eat that up.
Sorry, pal, you're going to jail where they're gonna take your cherry...
...Jell-O...away ...in the lunch line...
...after you're raped...
Well, in the end, I got it.
I got a lot of things on my rise to stardom: women, respect that joke about the ten-inch pianist.
Can't believe I never got that before.
And I can't believe this all began just a few weeks ago.
Stars...they're just like us.
Ooh!
Here's Tara Reid buying a gallon of vodka and a case of morning-after pills.
I drink gallons of vodka.
I should be a star.
Ah, what a good night's rest.
I had that wonderful recurring dream, where I'm giving a lecture naked and I'm a resounding success.
Now, how about a kiss?
-Good God, Francine,your roots are showing!
-I know.
My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he was straight.
Apparently, it is a choice.
-Yes,it is.
Absolutely Anyway, the only good hairdresser ft this is Mr.
Beauregard, but it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody But you do know somebody, Francine.
You know Roger.
Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Don't...
cry in front of a fish.
Morning, Steve, I packed your favorite lunch: PB and J.
With the crusts cut off!
And cherry Jell-O.
Someday I'd like to have a swimming pool filled with cherry Jell-O.
Anyway, Dad, my English teacher, Mr.
Durbin, is your biggest fan.
Can I get your autograph for him?
Sure. "
To Mr.
Durbin, keep on rockin'.
Yours in Christ."
Dad, that's Steve's report card.
You're failing English?
What?
What do you know?
And I'm getting straight A's.
Well, that's great, sweetheart.
Congratulations.
Hey, it's been a while.
Steve, how could you be failing English?
It's not my fault; my teacher hates me.
Hates you, huh?
Well, perhaps I need to pay Mr.
Durbin a little visit.
Well, what a nice visit.
Oh, Mr.
Durbin, the pleasure was all mine.
And thanks, Lynn, for the delicious maple scones.
Can we have another pony ride?
Oh, no, this old horse has to get back to the stable.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Durbin, I almost forgot.
I wanted to ask you...
Why do you hate my son?!
Shut up!
Don't look at me.
Get on the floor!
You!
Get me more maple scones.
Why are you failing my son?!
Answer me, dirt bag.
He had his Japanese friend do his writing assignment.
Oh, I see.
Well, good night.
Good night, Lynn.
Oh, don't get up, kids.
Seriously, stare at the floor and count to a hundred!
Go ahead, Erik, be a hero.
That's what I thought.
Punk ass.
You'd think that people would have had enough Of silly love songs...
I look around me, and I see it isn't so!
What?
-I mean, why'd you cheat?
I'm sorry.
It's just, creative writing is hard.
I can't do it. "
Can't"?
We don't live in "Ameri-can't," Steve.
We live inmerica.
No, no, no no, wait.
We live in "Ameri-can."
No, wait, that's not right, wait.
We are "Ameri-can."
Wh-where was I going with this?
Um, I said, "Creative writing is hard."
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
Perseverance, Steve, it's all about perseverance.
And if I Ameri-can't teach you about it I have a friend who Ameri-will.
Well, that sounded good.
Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together.
Steve, meet "Patriot Pigeon."
You wrote a children's book?
No, Steve, I wrote 3,012 children's books, each chronicling the adventures of Patriot Pigeon, who battles America's enemies by dropping red-white-and and-blue turds of justice.
Wow.
So how many of your books have been published?
None.
See that?
That's over 10,000 rejection letters, and counting.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
I'm not.
You see, Steve, true success isn't about getting recognition or fame, it's about never giving up.
So, what do you say?
Have I inspired you to do that writing assignment?
NO How about now?
That's the hand I write with.
That's negative thinking.
Hey, how about a story where a boy's hand is glued to a table and he slowly starves to death?
That's good stuff.
Thanks, J.C.
I don't know what to write about.
I'm never gonna be a star.
People are never gonna see me in US Weekly and say: "Ooh, Roger..."
"...picks up a vase, just like us."
"Ooh, Roger drops expensive vases, just like us."
"Ooh, Roger..."
"Roger starts to black out, just like..."
Oh, Mr.
Beauregard, I feel born anew.
Well, of course you do, darling.
I use genuine human placenta.
That's where it gets its luster.
Mr Beauregard.
I-I would love for you to put expelled uterine matter in my hair.
If I were you,I'd take your hair behind a shed and shoot it.
Ride, Montague.
Anything for me?
Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap.
Hey, it's from me.
What's this? "
P & Q Publishing."
Oh, good, another rejection letter. "
Dear Mr.
Smith, it is with great pleasure that we have decided to publish your book!"
What's going on?
I'm going to be published.
Oh, glorious day!
All those wasted years of writing finally have meaning.
But what about all that stuff about not needing recognition?
Oh, that's what people say when they're dead inside.
Now, let's see which one of my Patriot Pigeon books they're publishing.
Roger the Alien?
Hey, that's the story I wrote for English.
What?
You wrote a story about me?
I'll take that, Dad.
Mr.
Durbin said he was gonna submit my story to a publisher.
So it's not "Patriot Pigeon" Poops on Planned Parenthood?
A book about me?
I'm gonna be a star!
Steve, you're the best.
Oh my God, Stan, how, upset are you?
Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed.
Oh, who gives a flying fig?
I'm a star!
So now*** a published writer, but my life had become boring.
As boring as a bad metaphor...
or a simile.
Whatever, I'm not a writer.
Got any tips for a young author?
Oh, I don't want to be recorded.
No, it's inspiring music to accompany your answer. "
I believe I can fly... "
just write something, and it'll get published.
It's easy; any idiot can do it.
It's not fair, Francine.
I write 3,000 books and...
I write 3,000 book and nobody's ever asked me for an autograph.
Don't you see, Stan?
You're Steve's father.
He couldn't have done any of this without you.
And people are gonna know that.
Yes.
Yes, people are gonna know that.
Hey, everyone, I'm Steve's father!
He came from my seed.
And she was the manure.
Francine, when I look at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.
The turnout at today's book signing was awful, and I blame you, publisher man.
Actually, it's "Publisherman".
Bill Publisherman.
Dad, it's okay I'm not into this whole book thing, anyway.
Nonsense!
You and I are going to be big.
We're going to be huge.
Just how big are you talking?
Ginormagantuan.
Well, then, what you need is to get Steve on Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade, the hottest children's book show in Langley Falls.
Great, put him on.
I'd love to but to get on, he needs to have the number one children's book in town And to get that, he'll need a hook.
Right.
We'll cut off one of his hands.
People love the disfigured...
and fear them.
No, a hook, an angle, a gimmick.
Is the boy gay?
Why?
Could that be a hook?
Hook?
A hook.
a hook, a hook.
No Is it true?
Were there really seven people at the book signing?
Yes Oh, my God, it's happening for me.
I'm almost a star.
Oh, there's my cell phone!
Oh, my God, it's Johnny Depp.
Depp-ster, what's shakin'?
That's not a cell phone.
That's a bar of soap you painted black.
Yeah, hang on, J.D.
Watch it, Klaus,or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20 mil leagues up your butt.
Bad boy?
Steve, that's it.
You can be the bad boy of children's books.
Huh?
Sure, sure.
The media loves bad boys.
Your book will fly off the shelves.
I don't know.
Look, son, you do this for me, and I'll use my CIA powers to get you: Centerfold Janet Gustafsson She's bebetiful!
And she loves the bad boys.
And so began my dark descent all the way to the top. "
Author Won't Finish his vegetables."
"Bad Boy Author Talks To Strangers" "LITTER!!
bad boy author Goes Too far" "Bad Boy Author Booked On Cap'n Monty's" Francine!
I cannot let the mother..
of Langley Falls' legendary bad-boy author look like this.
Shame on you.
Scoot on in here, girl!
Oh, my God, is it here?
You're so adorable.
Give me silly juice and watch me fall down.
What the...?
I'm ugly, and my butt is huge.
I-I-I don't...I don't get it.
They're your catchphrases.
Roger, have you even read Steve's book?
You bastard.!
Roger the clumsy alien?
Roger who sips his silly juice and goes on delusional rants?
And it's not silly juice.
It's necessary juice.
Watch your back.
Ouch.
Oh, that Ouchies.
You bastard.
Thanks to you,Dad spent all my college money buying you Dr.
Seuss' first typewriter.
You bastard.
That's what I said to my old ugly hairdo.
What's wrong, honey?
I hate being a famous author.
Do I really have to go on Cap'n Monty's?
Oh.
We, no, I suppose not.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, Steve?
Just curious...
When did you stop loving Mommy?
what?
'Cause if you loved me,you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair.
But do whatever makes you happy.
I have to go put some ointment on that hideous cesarean scar I have because of you.
But...
Hayley was the cesarean.
Oh, that's right.
With you I just tore from my "V" to my "A."
Good night.
Those were dark times as my family used and abused me.
But at least there were 2 headlights at the end of the tunnel.
Now do I get to meet that centerfold?
No, I just said that to motivate you so you'd carry me to the top.
Dad, I can't believe you lied to me.
Really?
Huh.
That's...
that's kinda my whole bit.
Hey, my first Green Room.
It isn't even green.
Showbiz.
Steve, Kevin Brougham, Dudemeister Management.
Huge fan.
So how does it feel to be a superstar?
Well, I...
I kinda hate it.
Let me guess: your family's busting your boy-bag like a bunch of gonad gangsters.
How did you know?
Bro, I see families exploiting the talented dude all the time..
I feel so trped.
I don't know what to do.
Good morn', maties.
Today...
Cap'n Monty sails his fair vessel with precious cargo: child prodigy and most likely ninth incarnation of the Buddha, Steve Smith.
Steve...
Steve Smith...
Even the name recalls simplicity Elegance.
Steve...
Welcome.
Steve...
I'm not going to ask you about your influences, or your process.
In fact, I'm not going to ask you any questions.
I am going to tell you something and that something is you, Steve Smith, are a genius.
A geniussss...
Arrg.
Steve, I will ask you one question.
I know I said no questions.
I am flawed, unlike you, Steve Smith.
Tell me...
whom would you like to thank for your success?
Here it comes, Clown.
Well, Cap'n Monty, I'd like to thank...
my new manager, Kevin, for helping me fill out the paperwork to divorce my parents.
And the shoes.
I want the shoes.
Slowly, pretty boy.
Yeah...you're a pretty boy with a pretty pair of shoes.
The court ruled in my favor.
and I was finally free of my parents.
Did the book make me rich and popular?
Yeah Did it all go to my head?
Oh, yeah.
Did I start talking like Robert Evans?
You bet your ass I did.
Did I even know who Robert Evans was?
Not by a long shot.
Francine.
Stan.
Stop this nonsense, Steve.
Dude, his name is "S" now.
And S does what S wants.
And S wants to C.L.T.D.F.H.C. "
Cut loose the dead weight from his coattails."
There should be a "W" in there.
Get in the trunk, Barry.
They were going to miss me all right, but I didn't miss them.
I was too busy tending to my stately pleasure dome: Steve-adu.
I had rooms filled with the finest antiquities.
Rooms devoted to gir on-girl action.
Scintillating I kept my chums near by in my "I don't need any family" room.
And the coup de grace: my pool...
Filled with cherry Jell-O.
Success.
That little creep is living the star lifestyle I deserve.
Well, he's gonna learn that he's messing with the wrong "Muchacho".
Stubbed-my-toe, stubbed-my-toe, stubbed-my-toe, stubbed-my-toe...
Worst part's over, worst part's over, worst part's over....
What are you doing here?
I want you to come home.
Yeah, well, you can forget it.
You used me, and you lied to me.
Guilty as charged.
But I'm going to make good on it all Starting with that centerfold I promised you.
Here she is: Centerfold Janet Gustafsson.
That's not her.
She's ancient.
Well, sure, the magazine I showed you was from 1957.
But she still loves to party.
For Steve...
zaba-dooba, dooba-dooba-doo-doo.
Bah-bah, dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah, dah-dah.
I fell...
doo-doo-doo-doo, zaba-dooba-gah-gah.
In pain...
dah-dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dah, dah-dah.
This is your idea of an apology?
Sulu!
Chekov!
Hello, old friend.
Hope you don't mind me dropping by...
To kill you.
Strange.
This window shouldn't be open.
And this window shouldn't be closed.
Oh, this should all be mine.
I mean, not this color scheme--P-U-- but everything else should be m...
Oh, God, this bust of Ben Stiller is hideous.
But it should be mine.
Bravo.
That was the g ball machine Henry Ford gave to Hitler.
S, we didn't do it.
Yeah, right.
You're all just a bunch of users like my parents.
Get out!
All of you!
Guess I'll be cutting the crust off my own sandwiches from now on.
Great.
Who tracked mud on my floor?
Hey, your knife goes real well with my novelty alien hand.
And how great is my new horror movie ring tone?
Dude, where'd you go?
Well, come into the kitchen.
What up?
S, meet Spike Baltar.
Spike Baltar.
You're my favorite actor.
Wow, you look just like me.
That's because he's gonna play you in the movie version of Roger the Alien, and he's totally method.
Wow.
I'm so happy I could die.
It's me.
I gotta take this.
Yeah, the kid's a total douche.
And his voice... "
I'm Steve Smith.
I wrote Roger the Alien."
"I'm Steve Smith. "
I was never molested..
on the set of a mustard commercial when I was nine."
Die, dream-stealer.
Oh, my God, I...
I killed Steve.
Hombre, what's the matter?
It's just I kinda miss my family.
Bro-sicle, I'm your family now, and this dude is never, ever going to leave you.
Never.
Spike Baltar's dead in your pool.
You're finished.
I'm outta here.
I'm comin', Steve.
I'm comin'.
I didn't mean to kill you.
Roger?
That's not me in the pool.
That's Spike Baltar.
Wait, you were trying to kill me?
So this is all your fault.
Oh, yeah, blame the alien.
The cops'll eat that up.
Sorry, pal, you're going to jail where they're gonna take your cherry...
...Jell-O...away ...in the lunch line...
...after you're raped...