Émission TV: House M.D. - 6x1
Help!
Help me!
Dry heaves are gone, so am I.
I'll check with the doctor.
I'm here voluntarily, just got to check with me.
I'm sorry.
Dr.
Nolan left specific instructions.
She's not sick.
She's scared.
So tell her to tell...
And he's black.
I thought you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.
Can't keep me.
You look a lot better.
I am a lot better...
No painkillers, no hallucinations.
Leg hurts, but it's manageable.
Great job.
Gonna miss you.
Want to start missing you as soon as possible.
Legally, you're free to go whenever you want.
I suggest you stay.
I'll take it under advisement.
If the hallucinations were from your vicodin, why didn't you just check yourself into a rehab facility?
I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.
But you had been abusing vicodin for years.
Never had delusions, never had trouble sleeping, never had any problems, other than narcissism and antisocial behavior, until two colleagues died.
Your father died.
Your issues run deeper than vicodin.
That's not gonna cheer me up, is it?
You need to be transferred to our long-term ward, started on medication, talk therapy...
Yeah, I get it.
Just one thing I'm getting hung up on.
I can leave whenever I want.
How about I start with that?
You can't go back to practicing medicine.
I don't want to practice medicine.
I want to be an astronaut.
Well, if you want your state astronaut's license, you're gonna need my recommendation.
Is that a popular, new treatment...
Blackmail?
You need to get better.
Welcome to ward six.
So brass tacks...
What do I have to do, and how long do I have to be here?
Depends on you.
Process is pretty basic.
If you follow the schedule, agree to take meds, participate in group and individual therapy, we can work on goals.
I set a goal.
Excellent.
What is it?
My goal is to get your boss to write the letter that I want him to write.
Now let's talk process.
I can smile through gritted teeth and play nice, but there are serious risks of violence involved in that choice, so I'm going with turning this ward upside down, making you and your boss' job and life so unmanageable that he'll write whatever he has to write to get rid of me.
He's all set.
Thanks.
I've never been in the end unit before.
Yo, I don't need an escort.
Get off me.
Who are you?
You believe these guys?
Lecturing me on manic depression, like I couldn't write a book or two.
I stop taking my meds, because I want to stop taking my meds, because nothing is wrong with me.
No reason to keep dragging me back here.
When I'm on them, everything slows down.
That's when the problem is.
Nice to see you.
My roommate last time couldn't stand me.
Really?
Juan Alvarez.
J.A.'s my stage name.
But Alvie's what everybody around here calls me, like the Woody Allen character in Annie Hall, but the Puerto Rican version and not as neurotic.
So what do I call you?
You're actually waiting for an answer this time.
Call me House.
He's a brick Wait up.
I've already got the whole place wired, so I'll give you the rundown.
Yo, everybody!
This is my new roommate, House, y'all.
Main thing you got to know...
Is this the line?
Hey, Gabby, meet my new roommate, House.
You can call him "Heezy."
No, you can't.
Don't worry.
She won't call you anything.
She hasn't talked in, like, ten years or something.
Good you came here.
You need to know the lay of the land.
I need to request a new room.
You're funny.
You're also gonna come here to get your meds.
I'm not on any meds.
You either?
Good for you.
Tell me my mind works too fast.
Probably tell Usain Bolt he runs too fast.
Excuse me.
I know you're busy ignoring me, but my minibar is empty.
You think bolt could do the long jump?
That sport needs to evolve.
Had the same world record for, like, 20 years.
I think if one guy launched himself headfirst and right before he hits the ground does a front flip instead, get three extra feet out of that, easy.
Go be that man.
My head!
My head!
You're not getting any haldol.
Sorry.
That's Hal.
His real name is Connor, but we call him Hal...
I got it.
We can't play that.
They keep it locked up.
I wish we could, but at the same time, imagine how annoying that could be.
Crazy people playing on it all the time.
We'd never get any peace.
I want to introduce you to everybody.
Do you think he's serious?
He's a doctor.
He knows that acting out will only reinforce our diagnosis.
Or it'll work.
You think this is something we should be concerned about?
A patient makes a threat, you should always be concerned.
There are two new additions to our ward.
You all know Alvie.
Thank you.
Hold your applause.
It's great to be back here in Mayfield, not just for the food, not just for the ladies...
well, okay, maybe just for the ladies.
And you should also welcome Greg to the floor.
Don't worry about the name.
I'm just passing through.
Don't want to break any hearts.
Can we go outside now?
Not now, Jay.
So he's claustrophobic, right?
You're claustrophobic?
Can I get a pen to write this stuff down?
Where are you going?
Where's he going?
It's okay.
Paranoid...
check.
Dr.
Beasley...
I am having an issue with the food.
What's the problem?
I swear I'm eating less and less, and I just keep getting bigger and bigger.
A crayon?
Anybody?
We'll talk about it another time.
I understand you all had art therapy yesterday.
Maybe we can hang some of the new pieces on the wall.
Cut your wrists, huh?
Greg, there are certain topics...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is suicide taboo?
Gosh, if I've broken a rule on my first day, I will kill myself.
Group's over.
That flew by.
You realize you're not the first uncooperative patient on this floor?
Really?
Is there a club?
Come with me to the clubhouse.
That didn't take long.
I'm that good.
Come on.
Come on, Alvie!
Let's see some action!
You got nothing!
Me, me.
Pass, pass!
Good.
Come on, guys!
Ready to play nice?
Would you believe me if I said yes?
Then, yes.
You do know I'm trying to help you.
I also know you're trying to be sweet, caring, and effective.
You're just not.
You want out.
Just talk.
Be honest.
Try to work with people.
Try to deal with people.
He's on my team!
Shut up.
Nobody likes you.
Am I crowding you?
Can't see the sun?
No, everything is closing in.
He's the claustrophobic one, right?
'Cause I'm doing this from memory.
You have to dribble.
Why?
The CIA satellites aren't watching me.
They're watching you, 'cause you're wearing green.
That one was just too easy.
Seriously, anorexia?
What, are you supposed to be a girl?
And in answer to your implicit question, yes, those pants do make you look fat.
How upset were you when you woke up in the E.R.
and you were still alive and a failure?
2-0, good guys!
You're right.
It is rewarding when you reach out.
You can't go up there.
It's yard time right now.
Put it on my tab.
I think you'll find music therapy's more effective if the patients are inside to hear it.
Where'd you get the key?
They gave it to me.
So if she ever talks, are we gonna get a German accent?
She's my husband's sister.
So let him come play the piano.
He doesn't know how to play.
Nice.
You're a little heavy on the right foot, though.
See her head?
It bobs to the music.
It's the only real reaction I'm getting from her.
It feels like we're talking.
You're not talking.
Her head is bobbing to her pulse.
Are you a new doctor on the ward?
Technically, yes.
Can I lead this time?
Leave the lid unlocked when you're done.
Can you close the door?
You're letting all the cool air out.
If you keep up this scorched-earth policy, you're gonna end up living in this room.
Are you ready to try another strategy, or do you want me to leave you in here?
21.
2-1, that's game.
Hey, House is back.
I'll get the ball.
I need some meat.
I got no one left to play.
I'll play you.
Girl.
Come on, House.
You can serve.
I've had some time to think about the approach I've been taking.
I know I'm unhappy here, and I...
I've been taking it out on you guys...
unfairly.
It was...
misdirected anger.
'cause when you think about it, the real jerks here...
Are the doctors.
See how they give you a ping-pong table, but no paddles, no net?
It's like they're mocking you.
Preach!
The game is called table tennis, not table volleyball.
Greg, you know where this is gonna end.
Who ever saw a tennis court without a net?
Little run-down park across from my apartment growing up...
Three courts, no nets.
No one ever used it.
No one's gonna try to hang themselves with a ping-pong net.
No!
Ridiculous.
You treat us like little kids.
Little kids are allowed to play ping-pong, and they can play the piano.
Yeah, worse than little kids.
All right, why don't we just go and sit down and discuss it?
No, I want to discuss it right here.
Guys.
Guys!
House is right.
I think everyone here can handle these.
Seriously?
Is that your strategy...
Give everybody what they want except me?
You're a natural leader.
You could do something useful down here, for them, definitely for you.
Or we could keep fighting...
If you think you can break me, if you think I'm not every bit as stubborn as you.
Came to fight the man and he had the master plan But it started to unravel Nolan smashed him with his gavel Like blah!
Shut up.
So you gonna keep trying to make them miserable?
New plan?
What is it?
I don't know yet.
His mind is burning The wheels are turning The butter is churning You think Nolan can keep House from strolling?
It's easier to come up with a new plan in silence.
Right.
Cool.
Can I hump?
I'd like you all to welcome another new addition to our ward...
Steve.
Freedom master.
Steve Elkerton is just a cover.
It's like Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker.
Cool.
We got more jesuses than superheroes.
I try to blend in in the outside world, but I figure in here, everybody gets it.
We're living in the ward of justice.
Can you explain a little more about what you think everybody gets?
There's good and evil in the world.
And some people are...
special, and they're chosen to help keep evil forces at bay.
You don't think you can stop bullets, do you?
I move out of their way.
Can you read minds?
It's group time, Greg.
Why isn't she talking?
She needs help.
She needs somebody to save her.
That's what we're all trying to do.
Let's take five minutes.
Everybody get to know Steve.
I can fly.
I know you're scheming, working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here.
Why don't you put the plan on hold for a few days?
See what happens.
Just let me do my job.
If you prefer private to group, we can do that, maybe try some SSRIs.
If you think nothing's working, you can always go back to your schemes.
God, if only you'd said that two minutes ago, before I came up with my new scheme.
Now I'm committed.
Get it?
Shaq up in my area I'm a better baller and a better rapper And I'm good at basketball too Do you have third-floor privileges?
Ever since I shared in group about my uncle fondling me.
Is that true?
And now I can use the third-floor vending machines.
You eat sour cream and onion chips?
The whole point is the dipping.
Sure, we save time by not adding the mix and sour cream, but you're missing out on...
Break into Nolan's office.
Commando style.
I want you to focus.
You want me to mess him up?
Go into Nolan's office.
Look at his calendar.
I need the name of the woman he met with at 11:00 today.
No problem.
And I'll get you some chips.
If they have them, I'll get you some dip, but I've never seen dip in the vending machine.
Get me chips and dip.
What else?
I get it, I get it.
Plan "B". "
B" is for blackmail.
I got you covered.
Commando style.
Let me go!
I just wanted a little snack.
That ain't right!
Yo, I didn't know the machine was moved!
I want some ritz bits!
I might be pregnant!
I get these cravings!
You get the name?
Nolan's schedule book has a big "x" marking out the whole middle of the day.
Then we can assume the girl he's with is called "nooner".
Nooner, nooner Nolan's gonna spoon her He's gonna "fork" her.
And then he's gonna knife her I didn't check the phone or anything else.
That's okay.
I got her license plate.
I call my friend.
He gets the name.
I get the letter that gets me out of here.
You got phone privileges?
I'm on level minus four.
I'm still writing with a crayon.
You?
You got to be at level five.
That's like the top of the space needle.
Hal's the only one that's up that high.
Hal's at level five?
They give him a point every time he clears his plate.
I've been eating his potatoes.
Will he sell you some minutes?
I pay two cigarettes for the potatoes.
Phone's worth a lot more.
Can you cheek a pill?
That's too bad for you.
You sure you're good with this?
Got to be done.
So how do we start?
I think we just start.
Make it good.
Make it real.
Just do it already.
Code gray!
Give me five milligrams of haldol!
Help!
Get him off me!
Give it to him!
Dude, that was awesome.
Think Hal will mind if they're wet?
No, it's your other friend at the asylum.
How's it going?
Hallucinations are gone, so is the vicodin.
How's the leg?
How's the pain?
They got me on some nonnarcotic.
I'm dealing.
I need you to run a license plate.
Was there a hit-and-run on your floor?
House, just do what you're supposed to do.
Listen to the doctors, and I'll be able to visit soon.
Track down the owner of this car, and I'll be able to visit you in your office tomorrow.
My doctor is too smart, too old, and too well-dressed to only be running one ward.
He screwed up something in his life, and I think he's doing it again.
I need her name so I can blackmail the blackmailer.
He called me.
Why?
He wanted to know about you.
He wanted to warn me that you'd be calling for something.
And he told me if I wanted to help you get better, I had to let him do his job.
Now I'm calling you to tell you that if he calls you...
I'm so sorry.
I wish I could help you.
You can.
It turns out...
You're my only friend.
House ain't a newbie, now he living on this floor And I hate you.
I'm gonna cooperate.
That's not much of a plan.
That's actually their plan.
No, I'm pretty sure their plan is for me to actually swallow the pills, to actually cooperate.
I'm so proud of my little roomie.
I only taught him everything he knows.
One, two, three.
Stomp, you start the betting.
Highest card wins.
That's probably a fold.
Richter.
Two cigarettes.
He's not confident, Alvie.
Crush him, in the form of a rhyme if you want.
No regrets, raise ten cigarettes That's a lot of nerve for someone with a two on their head.
You're messing with me.
You can't raise ten.
I only have five.
Throw in your phone card.
I'm not gonna throw in it.
Can I play?
Come here.
Why?
I wanna see if you've got what it takes.
Give me your best poker face.
Too rich for my blood.
You can take my seat.
Med time!
How are you feeling today?
Better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow.
I've been humming to her.
She sways.
It might be significant.
Are you ignoring me, or are you letting my charm wash over you?
Kind of tough to play and chat.
A couple of weeks ago, you told me playing to her was a complete waste of time.
You're right.
Your playing does get worse when you talk.
I assume she loved music.
She played for the Philadelphia philharmonic...
Cello.
If she responded to the piano, she might respond even better to the cello.
I play a little.
Maybe I'll bring one in tuesday.
Thank you.
Different desk, different doctor.
You've been on meds for a while now.
I'll be checking in with you to see if we need to adjust your dose.
Any dry mouth, trouble sleeping?
Can I go now?
There's a manic out there with a fresh carton of cigarettes, and he's a terrible bluffer.
It's nice to see that you and Alvie are friends again.
Tell me about your fight.
He hit me.
I hit him back.
Repeat until pulpy.
Alvie told me you instigated the thing.
That tends to be the way fights work...
Different interpretations of the same circumstances.
Very understanding attitude.
There's that tone again.
You're smart.
How come every time you compliment me, it sounds like an accusation?
You're not having any side effects from your meds, which is unusual.
It's not that unusual.
The fight isn't adding up.
Why don't you stop pretending that you haven't reached a conclusion?
You don't trust me.
Actually, it's more fundamental than that.
You don't like me.
I didn't say that.
You think I'm not taking my meds.
Are you?
So what do you want me to do?
Want me to take a urine test?
Will that earn your trust?
Actually, yeah.
Have at it.
A little dignity, please.
You know the rules.
I have to watch.
But you don't have to have courtside seats.
Can I at least use a stall?
For he himself has said it And it's greatly to his credit That he is an Englishman He is...
an Englishman Get it while it's hot.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
Freedom Master, think you could help me out?
You need help?
Of course...
That's what I do.
Great.
Could you move the piano?
500 pounds.
That's not too much, is it?
Is there something trapped underneath or...?
No.
I just want to move it away from the window.
My powers aren't for frivolous...
Just one lift.
Why are you doing that?
House, it's none of your business.
I'm curious.
As a doctor, what are you doing?
Either he is Freedom Master, and he shouldn't be here, or else he's suffering from a serious and dangerous delusion that he needs to deal with.
So...
Legit medical reasons.
You're not trying to break him because he's a little different.
He's not different.
He's delusional.
Can you help me out?
What is she looking at?
You're not a superhero, Steven.
You're a regular person.
I can save her.
We're all just regular people.
It's what we do.
They stole her voice box.
They have it in there.
That's what she's staring at.
That's what she's staring at.
Your wife is dead.
Good can defeat evil.
Not every time.
Evil people killed a lot of good people that day.
You couldn't save her.
No one could.
It's in there.
Her voice is in there.
Her voice is in there.
Code gray.
Her voice is in...
Don't do it.
I'm not doing anything.
You're thinking.
Things go from thinking to doing way too fast in this place.
Keep thinking, you're gonna wind up with no mo in your mojo.
I'm thinking of hitting you again.
You hate Medina.
You hate all of them.
You want to hurt them.
Keep pretending.
Step away from the hate.
What's the difference between pretending to cooperate and cooperating?
Pretending is pretending.
It's not real.
You don't mean it.
I sat and watched while he did something stupid and pointless.
I cooperated.
Soon, you won't have to watch, because you're going home.
You'll be getting your job back.
Everybody inside!
Closing ceremonies.
Everyone attends.
One of you is going home.
It's been a great week.
A number of you have made tremendous strides.
But today we're here to congratulate Susan.
We're proud of her!
We wish her well, and we hope...
to never see her again!
Where's Freedom Master?
He isn't able to take part.
Get out there.
They said everybody has to get out.
Talk!
Say something!
Leave him alone.
Did you drug him?
Of course I didn't drug him.
He's in flat affect.
He's practically catatonic.
Hey, we got cake.
He's fine.
Double chocolate.
Don't tell me that he's fine!
You did this!
He was functioning.
He was happy.
He was delusional.
He's way better off now.
Let's talk.
Thinking sucks.
I'm not allowed to get angry?
They screwed him up.
And for the record...
I am two privilege levels above Susan, and I got the same depression-scale.
Every patient is different.
It's not about scores and levels and...
Happiness is happiness.
Test is test.
Coping is coping.
And you think you're...
Absolutely!
I need to address some deeper issues, which I can do on an outpatient basis.
3 hours a week?
That's my opening offer.
If you want to counter, I'll fold. "
No" is not an argument.
Are you trying to frustrate me?
No. "
No" again?
I can cope!
I'm coping.
In fact...
I'm coping better than you think.
I've not been taking my meds, not one.
And, I still scored a "high functioning" on your depression test.
So your proof of your well-being is that you lied?
Manipulated.
My proof is that I can fool the test and you, which means I am high functioning.
I am sane, rational, capable.
I should not be here.
These are your pills from today?
I'm not gonna take it.
I'll just cheek it again.
Lick it.
You want me to lick your hand?
I washed.
It's sugar.
Your test results were improving too regularly and too quickly.
I was concerned that you weren't taking your pills, that it was an act, so I switched you to a placebo...
to see if your...
Improvements would continue.
Your psych tests told me nothing, but your urine tests told me you were faking.
You need to stop fighting the system.
You need to let me do my job.
So...
What's the next plan?
There is no new plan.
I'm out of plans.
So what do we do?
We stop talking.
I see you've got some cello in your trunk.
And, no, that's not a euphemism.
Are you spying on me?
I'm living in a psychiatric hospital.
Staring out of the window is what we do.
I assume you'll need help carrying it up.
I still got grounds privileges.
And who's going to carry you when you're carrying the cello?
Yes, cast aside the useless cripple...
How very German of you.
Seriously, the thing weighs a ton with that case.
I think i'll need a dolly.
Or we could ask Clark Kent to pitch in.
The dolly's probably easier.
The dolly...
already feels good about itself.
He was a happy-go-lucky superhero until they told him he has no powers.
We let him help out, he feels good about himself.
Might be less depressed.
Why do you put your life on hold to visit your sister-in-law five times a week?
Am I somehow a bad person for showing compassion?
You're not even a bad person for lying about why you're doing it.
That is impressive.
That is a superhuman feat.
Why don't you take a rest before flying that thing up to the ward?
He's still depressed.
Give me your keys.
You gonna dangle them in front of him to entertain him?
I'm gonna make him feel like he's flying.
I'll drive him around the grounds, top down, wind in his hair.
Seriously...
you're gonna say no to that?
Why are you so nice to me?
I think you have a good heart.
Would you still be nice to me if I told you that I lied?
I'm not just driving around the grounds.
I'm kidnapping him and stealing your car.
You sure?
I was starting to feel a little heat between us.
Thought we had kind of a "Bonnie and Clyde" thing.
Bonnie and clyde get shot to pieces.
See you.
You can do this.
If you hold my hand, I can do it too.
Don't let go!
Going up!
Freedom Master's back!
Keep it down, freedom master.
You're scaring the good citizens.
It was the coolest moment of my life.
It was fun.
You can repay me by telling Nolan he's an idiot.
Smell that fresh air and the warmth of your yellow sun.
We do enjoy it.
Careful of the traffic.
Don't go damaging any fenders.
Come on, get down.
There's no cry for help.
There's no cat in a tree.
Thank you, Greg.
He's lucky to be alive.
He's got a lacerated spleen, rotational pelvic fracture, compound break of the femur and humerus.
Everything in your life has been about finding the truth.
But suddenly, with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man's delusions.
You just wanted to take a swing at me.
You don't care about getting out.
You don't care about him.
You don't even care about the truth.
You don't care about anything.
I'm transferring you to Winslow psychiatric.
You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes.
I'm done.
Don't.
I need help.
So how is this supposed to work?
You sit.
I sit.
We talk.
About what?
About whatever you want.
You want me to whine about my mother?
You want to whine about your mother?
I can tell you about the time I was five and my goldfish died.
If that's where you'd like to start.
I've had a billion things happen to me.
How can I know which ones are relevant?
As far as I'm concerned, they're all.
Well, we better get moving, 'cause this session could take 50 years.
Yes, you are the sum of everything that's happened to you.
And, yes, some events are more relevant than others.
But the only way we can figure out which ones are is to talk.
So tell me, what's on your mind?
What do you want?
I want to get better...
whatever the hell that means.
I'm sick of being miserable.
So you'd like to be happy?
Again with the reflecting...
Yes, I'd like to be happy.
Being happy is an excellent goal.
Not many patients can crystallize what they're hoping to get out of this.
Well, bully for me.
So now all we have to do is figure out how to get you from here...
to happy.
SSRIS?
That's your genius technique?
I don't think we should ignore any tools that can help.
I know you don't have a problem taking drugs.
For my leg, for pain.
Think of this as being for psychic pain.
I don't want to change who I am.
Miserable?
Do you think that by taking meds you'll lose your edge, stop making the unique connections that make you a successful doctor?
If Van Gogh was your patient, he'd be satisfied painting houses instead of The Starry night.
Van gogh would still be making inspired paintings of the night sky, just maybe not from the room of his asylum.
You don't know that.
I know both his ears would be intact.
And I know his life...
would be better.
I know this doesn't come naturally to you.
But you want my help, which means you need to trust me.
Delicious.
Why are you here?
I'm waiting for my communion wafer.
You're cheeking it, right?
Nope.
Tell me you're cheeking it.
I swallowed it.
We don't take meds.
You don't take meds, Alvie.
I decided to get sane.
You're scamming again.
You can tell me.
I'm not scamming, Alvie.
They broke you.
They didn't break me.
I am broken.
Now stop worshipping me and go and worry about your own loser life.
I hate you.
Prom?
Got an assignment for you.
Role-playing?
I'm not sure how pretending to be a businessman with a foot fetish is gonna help, but I'm game.
Have you connected with any of the other patients?
You've been here 4 weeks.
Tell me about your relationships with the other patients.
Diane...
is convinced that silent girl hates her.
Richter's not as paranoid as you think.
He just likes that you think that.
And my roommate hates me.
Only one of the things indicated how somebody else feels about you.
So...
I'm sure that they've done some form of rudimentary analysis on me, concluded that I'm a jerk.
You know, there is a way for them to find out things about you without deductive reasoning.
I have had relationships.
You've screwed up relationships, every one of them...
Almost like that was the goal.
I want you to trust...
people.
Try.
Get dressed.
Just open up?
Just open up.
Trust.
Strangers?
We'll start with strangers, then work our way up.
If it helps, I find "hello" to be an excellent icebreaker.
It's like "hello," only shorter.
I'm glad we were able to save that time.
Judging by the fancy suit, I'd say you were a donor.
The nervous demeanor says maybe you've had issues, probably is why this place has personal meaning.
But this is supposed to be about me.
I take advantage of my friends.
Friend, really...
I've only got one.
It can be tough.
I'm not gay.
Oh, neither am i.
Actually, I am.
See that guy over there?
He's my lover.
He's also my psychiatrist, which some would argue is a little inappropriate, but they just don't know what love is.
Am I right?
You're not gay.
No, but I have to tell intimate secrets to people.
Maybe they should be true.
Hadn't thought of that.
To be on the safe side, I should do both, starting with the fun ones.
Come on, let's get me better.
I'm a philanderer.
Philanderer doesn't mean that I give a lot to charity.
It means...
I know what it means.
You were asking me if there were any nuts in the hors d'oeuvres.
What?
Honey.
What did my husband just say to you?
I...
was asking him if there were nuts...
in the hors d'oeuvres.
Then where is your EpiPen?
My what?
No one with an allergy would walk around without an EpiPen.
Give me your purse.
Stop!
Come...
No.
What really happened is...
I thought he was cute.
I hit on him.
We're going.
You having fun?
I did connect with one guy.
But then my propensity for screwing things up overtook me.
Then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity.
You didn't screw it up.
The assignment wasn't to get you to trust with a piece of your soul.
The assignment was to teach you that you can trust.
Did any of these people rat you out as the obnoxious womanizer or the porn producer that they think you are?
Why do you think that people would treat you worse if they knew the truth?
Good night, doctor.
Are you in trouble?
Apparently not.
So what's next?
You want to be my pimp?
Why don't we just talk?
How come you weren't pissed at me for stealing your car?
It was a nice thing to do.
I'm not sure about the German-English translation of nice.
The stealing was nice or...
ruining Freedom Master's life?
What you did was misguided and irresponsible, but it was also nice.
You gave him a moment of pure happiness.
You asked me why I come here so often to visit Annie.
She was my best friend.
Then she started pulling away...
from everybody.
The doctors don't know why.
I think I married her brother because...
he was the only other one who was going through the same thing.
But he stopped visiting after a couple of years.
I just...
couldn't stop.
I miss her.
I should go.
Good night.
Good night.
So what happened?
You're talking to me now.
No.
Was it fun?
She kissed me.
Don't read into the phrasing.
We kissed each other.
And how do you feel?
How do I feel?
It was a kiss.
Kisses are good things.
That was a loaded "okay."
Not at all.
Why would you assume that?
'Cause you're being judgmental.
If I had said that I'd had a delicious Chilean sea bass for dinner, would you say, "And how do you feel?"
If the sea bass was married, I might.
See, you're being judgmental.
Isn't that against your code or something?
I'm simply stating the obvious.
It's complicated, not just because she's married and not just because you're institutionalized.
I know you spent the last 12 hours trying to figure out what that kiss means.
Who's that woman you were with in the parking lot?
When you deflect, it's more effective when you're not that transparent.
Obviously you have no problem with the infidelity.
You're trying to rationalize that, "if it's okay for your doctor, it's okay."
But for the record, I am not having an affair.
Then who is she?
Why are you working so hard to figure out the details of my life?
I might not have to work so hard if there were personal items in here.
You got one number on speed dial.
It says "Dad".
Come on, how old are you?
Help me!
Dry heaves are gone, so am I.
I'll check with the doctor.
I'm here voluntarily, just got to check with me.
I'm sorry.
Dr.
Nolan left specific instructions.
She's not sick.
She's scared.
So tell her to tell...
And he's black.
I thought you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.
Can't keep me.
You look a lot better.
I am a lot better...
No painkillers, no hallucinations.
Leg hurts, but it's manageable.
Great job.
Gonna miss you.
Want to start missing you as soon as possible.
Legally, you're free to go whenever you want.
I suggest you stay.
I'll take it under advisement.
If the hallucinations were from your vicodin, why didn't you just check yourself into a rehab facility?
I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.
But you had been abusing vicodin for years.
Never had delusions, never had trouble sleeping, never had any problems, other than narcissism and antisocial behavior, until two colleagues died.
Your father died.
Your issues run deeper than vicodin.
That's not gonna cheer me up, is it?
You need to be transferred to our long-term ward, started on medication, talk therapy...
Yeah, I get it.
Just one thing I'm getting hung up on.
I can leave whenever I want.
How about I start with that?
You can't go back to practicing medicine.
I don't want to practice medicine.
I want to be an astronaut.
Well, if you want your state astronaut's license, you're gonna need my recommendation.
Is that a popular, new treatment...
Blackmail?
You need to get better.
Welcome to ward six.
So brass tacks...
What do I have to do, and how long do I have to be here?
Depends on you.
Process is pretty basic.
If you follow the schedule, agree to take meds, participate in group and individual therapy, we can work on goals.
I set a goal.
Excellent.
What is it?
My goal is to get your boss to write the letter that I want him to write.
Now let's talk process.
I can smile through gritted teeth and play nice, but there are serious risks of violence involved in that choice, so I'm going with turning this ward upside down, making you and your boss' job and life so unmanageable that he'll write whatever he has to write to get rid of me.
He's all set.
Thanks.
I've never been in the end unit before.
Yo, I don't need an escort.
Get off me.
Who are you?
You believe these guys?
Lecturing me on manic depression, like I couldn't write a book or two.
I stop taking my meds, because I want to stop taking my meds, because nothing is wrong with me.
No reason to keep dragging me back here.
When I'm on them, everything slows down.
That's when the problem is.
Nice to see you.
My roommate last time couldn't stand me.
Really?
Juan Alvarez.
J.A.'s my stage name.
But Alvie's what everybody around here calls me, like the Woody Allen character in Annie Hall, but the Puerto Rican version and not as neurotic.
So what do I call you?
You're actually waiting for an answer this time.
Call me House.
He's a brick Wait up.
I've already got the whole place wired, so I'll give you the rundown.
Yo, everybody!
This is my new roommate, House, y'all.
Main thing you got to know...
Is this the line?
Hey, Gabby, meet my new roommate, House.
You can call him "Heezy."
No, you can't.
Don't worry.
She won't call you anything.
She hasn't talked in, like, ten years or something.
Good you came here.
You need to know the lay of the land.
I need to request a new room.
You're funny.
You're also gonna come here to get your meds.
I'm not on any meds.
You either?
Good for you.
Tell me my mind works too fast.
Probably tell Usain Bolt he runs too fast.
Excuse me.
I know you're busy ignoring me, but my minibar is empty.
You think bolt could do the long jump?
That sport needs to evolve.
Had the same world record for, like, 20 years.
I think if one guy launched himself headfirst and right before he hits the ground does a front flip instead, get three extra feet out of that, easy.
Go be that man.
My head!
My head!
You're not getting any haldol.
Sorry.
That's Hal.
His real name is Connor, but we call him Hal...
I got it.
We can't play that.
They keep it locked up.
I wish we could, but at the same time, imagine how annoying that could be.
Crazy people playing on it all the time.
We'd never get any peace.
I want to introduce you to everybody.
Do you think he's serious?
He's a doctor.
He knows that acting out will only reinforce our diagnosis.
Or it'll work.
You think this is something we should be concerned about?
A patient makes a threat, you should always be concerned.
There are two new additions to our ward.
You all know Alvie.
Thank you.
Hold your applause.
It's great to be back here in Mayfield, not just for the food, not just for the ladies...
well, okay, maybe just for the ladies.
And you should also welcome Greg to the floor.
Don't worry about the name.
I'm just passing through.
Don't want to break any hearts.
Can we go outside now?
Not now, Jay.
So he's claustrophobic, right?
You're claustrophobic?
Can I get a pen to write this stuff down?
Where are you going?
Where's he going?
It's okay.
Paranoid...
check.
Dr.
Beasley...
I am having an issue with the food.
What's the problem?
I swear I'm eating less and less, and I just keep getting bigger and bigger.
A crayon?
Anybody?
We'll talk about it another time.
I understand you all had art therapy yesterday.
Maybe we can hang some of the new pieces on the wall.
Cut your wrists, huh?
Greg, there are certain topics...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is suicide taboo?
Gosh, if I've broken a rule on my first day, I will kill myself.
Group's over.
That flew by.
You realize you're not the first uncooperative patient on this floor?
Really?
Is there a club?
Come with me to the clubhouse.
That didn't take long.
I'm that good.
Come on.
Come on, Alvie!
Let's see some action!
You got nothing!
Me, me.
Pass, pass!
Good.
Come on, guys!
Ready to play nice?
Would you believe me if I said yes?
Then, yes.
You do know I'm trying to help you.
I also know you're trying to be sweet, caring, and effective.
You're just not.
You want out.
Just talk.
Be honest.
Try to work with people.
Try to deal with people.
He's on my team!
Shut up.
Nobody likes you.
Am I crowding you?
Can't see the sun?
No, everything is closing in.
He's the claustrophobic one, right?
'Cause I'm doing this from memory.
You have to dribble.
Why?
The CIA satellites aren't watching me.
They're watching you, 'cause you're wearing green.
That one was just too easy.
Seriously, anorexia?
What, are you supposed to be a girl?
And in answer to your implicit question, yes, those pants do make you look fat.
How upset were you when you woke up in the E.R.
and you were still alive and a failure?
2-0, good guys!
You're right.
It is rewarding when you reach out.
You can't go up there.
It's yard time right now.
Put it on my tab.
I think you'll find music therapy's more effective if the patients are inside to hear it.
Where'd you get the key?
They gave it to me.
So if she ever talks, are we gonna get a German accent?
She's my husband's sister.
So let him come play the piano.
He doesn't know how to play.
Nice.
You're a little heavy on the right foot, though.
See her head?
It bobs to the music.
It's the only real reaction I'm getting from her.
It feels like we're talking.
You're not talking.
Her head is bobbing to her pulse.
Are you a new doctor on the ward?
Technically, yes.
Can I lead this time?
Leave the lid unlocked when you're done.
Can you close the door?
You're letting all the cool air out.
If you keep up this scorched-earth policy, you're gonna end up living in this room.
Are you ready to try another strategy, or do you want me to leave you in here?
21.
2-1, that's game.
Hey, House is back.
I'll get the ball.
I need some meat.
I got no one left to play.
I'll play you.
Girl.
Come on, House.
You can serve.
I've had some time to think about the approach I've been taking.
I know I'm unhappy here, and I...
I've been taking it out on you guys...
unfairly.
It was...
misdirected anger.
'cause when you think about it, the real jerks here...
Are the doctors.
See how they give you a ping-pong table, but no paddles, no net?
It's like they're mocking you.
Preach!
The game is called table tennis, not table volleyball.
Greg, you know where this is gonna end.
Who ever saw a tennis court without a net?
Little run-down park across from my apartment growing up...
Three courts, no nets.
No one ever used it.
No one's gonna try to hang themselves with a ping-pong net.
No!
Ridiculous.
You treat us like little kids.
Little kids are allowed to play ping-pong, and they can play the piano.
Yeah, worse than little kids.
All right, why don't we just go and sit down and discuss it?
No, I want to discuss it right here.
Guys.
Guys!
House is right.
I think everyone here can handle these.
Seriously?
Is that your strategy...
Give everybody what they want except me?
You're a natural leader.
You could do something useful down here, for them, definitely for you.
Or we could keep fighting...
If you think you can break me, if you think I'm not every bit as stubborn as you.
Came to fight the man and he had the master plan But it started to unravel Nolan smashed him with his gavel Like blah!
Shut up.
So you gonna keep trying to make them miserable?
New plan?
What is it?
I don't know yet.
His mind is burning The wheels are turning The butter is churning You think Nolan can keep House from strolling?
It's easier to come up with a new plan in silence.
Right.
Cool.
Can I hump?
I'd like you all to welcome another new addition to our ward...
Steve.
Freedom master.
Steve Elkerton is just a cover.
It's like Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker.
Cool.
We got more jesuses than superheroes.
I try to blend in in the outside world, but I figure in here, everybody gets it.
We're living in the ward of justice.
Can you explain a little more about what you think everybody gets?
There's good and evil in the world.
And some people are...
special, and they're chosen to help keep evil forces at bay.
You don't think you can stop bullets, do you?
I move out of their way.
Can you read minds?
It's group time, Greg.
Why isn't she talking?
She needs help.
She needs somebody to save her.
That's what we're all trying to do.
Let's take five minutes.
Everybody get to know Steve.
I can fly.
I know you're scheming, working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here.
Why don't you put the plan on hold for a few days?
See what happens.
Just let me do my job.
If you prefer private to group, we can do that, maybe try some SSRIs.
If you think nothing's working, you can always go back to your schemes.
God, if only you'd said that two minutes ago, before I came up with my new scheme.
Now I'm committed.
Get it?
Shaq up in my area I'm a better baller and a better rapper And I'm good at basketball too Do you have third-floor privileges?
Ever since I shared in group about my uncle fondling me.
Is that true?
And now I can use the third-floor vending machines.
You eat sour cream and onion chips?
The whole point is the dipping.
Sure, we save time by not adding the mix and sour cream, but you're missing out on...
Break into Nolan's office.
Commando style.
I want you to focus.
You want me to mess him up?
Go into Nolan's office.
Look at his calendar.
I need the name of the woman he met with at 11:00 today.
No problem.
And I'll get you some chips.
If they have them, I'll get you some dip, but I've never seen dip in the vending machine.
Get me chips and dip.
What else?
I get it, I get it.
Plan "B". "
B" is for blackmail.
I got you covered.
Commando style.
Let me go!
I just wanted a little snack.
That ain't right!
Yo, I didn't know the machine was moved!
I want some ritz bits!
I might be pregnant!
I get these cravings!
You get the name?
Nolan's schedule book has a big "x" marking out the whole middle of the day.
Then we can assume the girl he's with is called "nooner".
Nooner, nooner Nolan's gonna spoon her He's gonna "fork" her.
And then he's gonna knife her I didn't check the phone or anything else.
That's okay.
I got her license plate.
I call my friend.
He gets the name.
I get the letter that gets me out of here.
You got phone privileges?
I'm on level minus four.
I'm still writing with a crayon.
You?
You got to be at level five.
That's like the top of the space needle.
Hal's the only one that's up that high.
Hal's at level five?
They give him a point every time he clears his plate.
I've been eating his potatoes.
Will he sell you some minutes?
I pay two cigarettes for the potatoes.
Phone's worth a lot more.
Can you cheek a pill?
That's too bad for you.
You sure you're good with this?
Got to be done.
So how do we start?
I think we just start.
Make it good.
Make it real.
Just do it already.
Code gray!
Give me five milligrams of haldol!
Help!
Get him off me!
Give it to him!
Dude, that was awesome.
Think Hal will mind if they're wet?
No, it's your other friend at the asylum.
How's it going?
Hallucinations are gone, so is the vicodin.
How's the leg?
How's the pain?
They got me on some nonnarcotic.
I'm dealing.
I need you to run a license plate.
Was there a hit-and-run on your floor?
House, just do what you're supposed to do.
Listen to the doctors, and I'll be able to visit soon.
Track down the owner of this car, and I'll be able to visit you in your office tomorrow.
My doctor is too smart, too old, and too well-dressed to only be running one ward.
He screwed up something in his life, and I think he's doing it again.
I need her name so I can blackmail the blackmailer.
He called me.
Why?
He wanted to know about you.
He wanted to warn me that you'd be calling for something.
And he told me if I wanted to help you get better, I had to let him do his job.
Now I'm calling you to tell you that if he calls you...
I'm so sorry.
I wish I could help you.
You can.
It turns out...
You're my only friend.
House ain't a newbie, now he living on this floor And I hate you.
I'm gonna cooperate.
That's not much of a plan.
That's actually their plan.
No, I'm pretty sure their plan is for me to actually swallow the pills, to actually cooperate.
I'm so proud of my little roomie.
I only taught him everything he knows.
One, two, three.
Stomp, you start the betting.
Highest card wins.
That's probably a fold.
Richter.
Two cigarettes.
He's not confident, Alvie.
Crush him, in the form of a rhyme if you want.
No regrets, raise ten cigarettes That's a lot of nerve for someone with a two on their head.
You're messing with me.
You can't raise ten.
I only have five.
Throw in your phone card.
I'm not gonna throw in it.
Can I play?
Come here.
Why?
I wanna see if you've got what it takes.
Give me your best poker face.
Too rich for my blood.
You can take my seat.
Med time!
How are you feeling today?
Better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow.
I've been humming to her.
She sways.
It might be significant.
Are you ignoring me, or are you letting my charm wash over you?
Kind of tough to play and chat.
A couple of weeks ago, you told me playing to her was a complete waste of time.
You're right.
Your playing does get worse when you talk.
I assume she loved music.
She played for the Philadelphia philharmonic...
Cello.
If she responded to the piano, she might respond even better to the cello.
I play a little.
Maybe I'll bring one in tuesday.
Thank you.
Different desk, different doctor.
You've been on meds for a while now.
I'll be checking in with you to see if we need to adjust your dose.
Any dry mouth, trouble sleeping?
Can I go now?
There's a manic out there with a fresh carton of cigarettes, and he's a terrible bluffer.
It's nice to see that you and Alvie are friends again.
Tell me about your fight.
He hit me.
I hit him back.
Repeat until pulpy.
Alvie told me you instigated the thing.
That tends to be the way fights work...
Different interpretations of the same circumstances.
Very understanding attitude.
There's that tone again.
You're smart.
How come every time you compliment me, it sounds like an accusation?
You're not having any side effects from your meds, which is unusual.
It's not that unusual.
The fight isn't adding up.
Why don't you stop pretending that you haven't reached a conclusion?
You don't trust me.
Actually, it's more fundamental than that.
You don't like me.
I didn't say that.
You think I'm not taking my meds.
Are you?
So what do you want me to do?
Want me to take a urine test?
Will that earn your trust?
Actually, yeah.
Have at it.
A little dignity, please.
You know the rules.
I have to watch.
But you don't have to have courtside seats.
Can I at least use a stall?
For he himself has said it And it's greatly to his credit That he is an Englishman He is...
an Englishman Get it while it's hot.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
Freedom Master, think you could help me out?
You need help?
Of course...
That's what I do.
Great.
Could you move the piano?
500 pounds.
That's not too much, is it?
Is there something trapped underneath or...?
No.
I just want to move it away from the window.
My powers aren't for frivolous...
Just one lift.
Why are you doing that?
House, it's none of your business.
I'm curious.
As a doctor, what are you doing?
Either he is Freedom Master, and he shouldn't be here, or else he's suffering from a serious and dangerous delusion that he needs to deal with.
So...
Legit medical reasons.
You're not trying to break him because he's a little different.
He's not different.
He's delusional.
Can you help me out?
What is she looking at?
You're not a superhero, Steven.
You're a regular person.
I can save her.
We're all just regular people.
It's what we do.
They stole her voice box.
They have it in there.
That's what she's staring at.
That's what she's staring at.
Your wife is dead.
Good can defeat evil.
Not every time.
Evil people killed a lot of good people that day.
You couldn't save her.
No one could.
It's in there.
Her voice is in there.
Her voice is in there.
Code gray.
Her voice is in...
Don't do it.
I'm not doing anything.
You're thinking.
Things go from thinking to doing way too fast in this place.
Keep thinking, you're gonna wind up with no mo in your mojo.
I'm thinking of hitting you again.
You hate Medina.
You hate all of them.
You want to hurt them.
Keep pretending.
Step away from the hate.
What's the difference between pretending to cooperate and cooperating?
Pretending is pretending.
It's not real.
You don't mean it.
I sat and watched while he did something stupid and pointless.
I cooperated.
Soon, you won't have to watch, because you're going home.
You'll be getting your job back.
Everybody inside!
Closing ceremonies.
Everyone attends.
One of you is going home.
It's been a great week.
A number of you have made tremendous strides.
But today we're here to congratulate Susan.
We're proud of her!
We wish her well, and we hope...
to never see her again!
Where's Freedom Master?
He isn't able to take part.
Get out there.
They said everybody has to get out.
Talk!
Say something!
Leave him alone.
Did you drug him?
Of course I didn't drug him.
He's in flat affect.
He's practically catatonic.
Hey, we got cake.
He's fine.
Double chocolate.
Don't tell me that he's fine!
You did this!
He was functioning.
He was happy.
He was delusional.
He's way better off now.
Let's talk.
Thinking sucks.
I'm not allowed to get angry?
They screwed him up.
And for the record...
I am two privilege levels above Susan, and I got the same depression-scale.
Every patient is different.
It's not about scores and levels and...
Happiness is happiness.
Test is test.
Coping is coping.
And you think you're...
Absolutely!
I need to address some deeper issues, which I can do on an outpatient basis.
3 hours a week?
That's my opening offer.
If you want to counter, I'll fold. "
No" is not an argument.
Are you trying to frustrate me?
No. "
No" again?
I can cope!
I'm coping.
In fact...
I'm coping better than you think.
I've not been taking my meds, not one.
And, I still scored a "high functioning" on your depression test.
So your proof of your well-being is that you lied?
Manipulated.
My proof is that I can fool the test and you, which means I am high functioning.
I am sane, rational, capable.
I should not be here.
These are your pills from today?
I'm not gonna take it.
I'll just cheek it again.
Lick it.
You want me to lick your hand?
I washed.
It's sugar.
Your test results were improving too regularly and too quickly.
I was concerned that you weren't taking your pills, that it was an act, so I switched you to a placebo...
to see if your...
Improvements would continue.
Your psych tests told me nothing, but your urine tests told me you were faking.
You need to stop fighting the system.
You need to let me do my job.
So...
What's the next plan?
There is no new plan.
I'm out of plans.
So what do we do?
We stop talking.
I see you've got some cello in your trunk.
And, no, that's not a euphemism.
Are you spying on me?
I'm living in a psychiatric hospital.
Staring out of the window is what we do.
I assume you'll need help carrying it up.
I still got grounds privileges.
And who's going to carry you when you're carrying the cello?
Yes, cast aside the useless cripple...
How very German of you.
Seriously, the thing weighs a ton with that case.
I think i'll need a dolly.
Or we could ask Clark Kent to pitch in.
The dolly's probably easier.
The dolly...
already feels good about itself.
He was a happy-go-lucky superhero until they told him he has no powers.
We let him help out, he feels good about himself.
Might be less depressed.
Why do you put your life on hold to visit your sister-in-law five times a week?
Am I somehow a bad person for showing compassion?
You're not even a bad person for lying about why you're doing it.
That is impressive.
That is a superhuman feat.
Why don't you take a rest before flying that thing up to the ward?
He's still depressed.
Give me your keys.
You gonna dangle them in front of him to entertain him?
I'm gonna make him feel like he's flying.
I'll drive him around the grounds, top down, wind in his hair.
Seriously...
you're gonna say no to that?
Why are you so nice to me?
I think you have a good heart.
Would you still be nice to me if I told you that I lied?
I'm not just driving around the grounds.
I'm kidnapping him and stealing your car.
You sure?
I was starting to feel a little heat between us.
Thought we had kind of a "Bonnie and Clyde" thing.
Bonnie and clyde get shot to pieces.
See you.
You can do this.
If you hold my hand, I can do it too.
Don't let go!
Going up!
Freedom Master's back!
Keep it down, freedom master.
You're scaring the good citizens.
It was the coolest moment of my life.
It was fun.
You can repay me by telling Nolan he's an idiot.
Smell that fresh air and the warmth of your yellow sun.
We do enjoy it.
Careful of the traffic.
Don't go damaging any fenders.
Come on, get down.
There's no cry for help.
There's no cat in a tree.
Thank you, Greg.
He's lucky to be alive.
He's got a lacerated spleen, rotational pelvic fracture, compound break of the femur and humerus.
Everything in your life has been about finding the truth.
But suddenly, with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man's delusions.
You just wanted to take a swing at me.
You don't care about getting out.
You don't care about him.
You don't even care about the truth.
You don't care about anything.
I'm transferring you to Winslow psychiatric.
You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes.
I'm done.
Don't.
I need help.
So how is this supposed to work?
You sit.
I sit.
We talk.
About what?
About whatever you want.
You want me to whine about my mother?
You want to whine about your mother?
I can tell you about the time I was five and my goldfish died.
If that's where you'd like to start.
I've had a billion things happen to me.
How can I know which ones are relevant?
As far as I'm concerned, they're all.
Well, we better get moving, 'cause this session could take 50 years.
Yes, you are the sum of everything that's happened to you.
And, yes, some events are more relevant than others.
But the only way we can figure out which ones are is to talk.
So tell me, what's on your mind?
What do you want?
I want to get better...
whatever the hell that means.
I'm sick of being miserable.
So you'd like to be happy?
Again with the reflecting...
Yes, I'd like to be happy.
Being happy is an excellent goal.
Not many patients can crystallize what they're hoping to get out of this.
Well, bully for me.
So now all we have to do is figure out how to get you from here...
to happy.
SSRIS?
That's your genius technique?
I don't think we should ignore any tools that can help.
I know you don't have a problem taking drugs.
For my leg, for pain.
Think of this as being for psychic pain.
I don't want to change who I am.
Miserable?
Do you think that by taking meds you'll lose your edge, stop making the unique connections that make you a successful doctor?
If Van Gogh was your patient, he'd be satisfied painting houses instead of The Starry night.
Van gogh would still be making inspired paintings of the night sky, just maybe not from the room of his asylum.
You don't know that.
I know both his ears would be intact.
And I know his life...
would be better.
I know this doesn't come naturally to you.
But you want my help, which means you need to trust me.
Delicious.
Why are you here?
I'm waiting for my communion wafer.
You're cheeking it, right?
Nope.
Tell me you're cheeking it.
I swallowed it.
We don't take meds.
You don't take meds, Alvie.
I decided to get sane.
You're scamming again.
You can tell me.
I'm not scamming, Alvie.
They broke you.
They didn't break me.
I am broken.
Now stop worshipping me and go and worry about your own loser life.
I hate you.
Prom?
Got an assignment for you.
Role-playing?
I'm not sure how pretending to be a businessman with a foot fetish is gonna help, but I'm game.
Have you connected with any of the other patients?
You've been here 4 weeks.
Tell me about your relationships with the other patients.
Diane...
is convinced that silent girl hates her.
Richter's not as paranoid as you think.
He just likes that you think that.
And my roommate hates me.
Only one of the things indicated how somebody else feels about you.
So...
I'm sure that they've done some form of rudimentary analysis on me, concluded that I'm a jerk.
You know, there is a way for them to find out things about you without deductive reasoning.
I have had relationships.
You've screwed up relationships, every one of them...
Almost like that was the goal.
I want you to trust...
people.
Try.
Get dressed.
Just open up?
Just open up.
Trust.
Strangers?
We'll start with strangers, then work our way up.
If it helps, I find "hello" to be an excellent icebreaker.
It's like "hello," only shorter.
I'm glad we were able to save that time.
Judging by the fancy suit, I'd say you were a donor.
The nervous demeanor says maybe you've had issues, probably is why this place has personal meaning.
But this is supposed to be about me.
I take advantage of my friends.
Friend, really...
I've only got one.
It can be tough.
I'm not gay.
Oh, neither am i.
Actually, I am.
See that guy over there?
He's my lover.
He's also my psychiatrist, which some would argue is a little inappropriate, but they just don't know what love is.
Am I right?
You're not gay.
No, but I have to tell intimate secrets to people.
Maybe they should be true.
Hadn't thought of that.
To be on the safe side, I should do both, starting with the fun ones.
Come on, let's get me better.
I'm a philanderer.
Philanderer doesn't mean that I give a lot to charity.
It means...
I know what it means.
You were asking me if there were any nuts in the hors d'oeuvres.
What?
Honey.
What did my husband just say to you?
I...
was asking him if there were nuts...
in the hors d'oeuvres.
Then where is your EpiPen?
My what?
No one with an allergy would walk around without an EpiPen.
Give me your purse.
Stop!
Come...
No.
What really happened is...
I thought he was cute.
I hit on him.
We're going.
You having fun?
I did connect with one guy.
But then my propensity for screwing things up overtook me.
Then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity.
You didn't screw it up.
The assignment wasn't to get you to trust with a piece of your soul.
The assignment was to teach you that you can trust.
Did any of these people rat you out as the obnoxious womanizer or the porn producer that they think you are?
Why do you think that people would treat you worse if they knew the truth?
Good night, doctor.
Are you in trouble?
Apparently not.
So what's next?
You want to be my pimp?
Why don't we just talk?
How come you weren't pissed at me for stealing your car?
It was a nice thing to do.
I'm not sure about the German-English translation of nice.
The stealing was nice or...
ruining Freedom Master's life?
What you did was misguided and irresponsible, but it was also nice.
You gave him a moment of pure happiness.
You asked me why I come here so often to visit Annie.
She was my best friend.
Then she started pulling away...
from everybody.
The doctors don't know why.
I think I married her brother because...
he was the only other one who was going through the same thing.
But he stopped visiting after a couple of years.
I just...
couldn't stop.
I miss her.
I should go.
Good night.
Good night.
So what happened?
You're talking to me now.
No.
Was it fun?
She kissed me.
Don't read into the phrasing.
We kissed each other.
And how do you feel?
How do I feel?
It was a kiss.
Kisses are good things.
That was a loaded "okay."
Not at all.
Why would you assume that?
'Cause you're being judgmental.
If I had said that I'd had a delicious Chilean sea bass for dinner, would you say, "And how do you feel?"
If the sea bass was married, I might.
See, you're being judgmental.
Isn't that against your code or something?
I'm simply stating the obvious.
It's complicated, not just because she's married and not just because you're institutionalized.
I know you spent the last 12 hours trying to figure out what that kiss means.
Who's that woman you were with in the parking lot?
When you deflect, it's more effective when you're not that transparent.
Obviously you have no problem with the infidelity.
You're trying to rationalize that, "if it's okay for your doctor, it's okay."
But for the record, I am not having an affair.
Then who is she?
Why are you working so hard to figure out the details of my life?
I might not have to work so hard if there were personal items in here.
You got one number on speed dial.
It says "Dad".
Come on, how old are you?