Émission TV: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - 1x18
??
??
??
??
??you just fake it with him or something?
I'm in the middle of a scene right now.
I'll be back as soon as I'm wrapped.
You love me.
-A little bit.
-No, huge.
Mm, I've loved other guys, it's a passing thing.
Isn't Harriet the reason you're having trouble writing?
And isn't the writing connected to the ratings?
Well, I've been feeling a little down lately and I got a show to get done.
Take these.
You're gonna like 'em.
Two minute till live air, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's go!
Huddle up!
Let's bring it in.
Dylan, you nervous?
-No.
-You should be, you're going on TV in two minutes.
-Matty!
-Yeah.
Show's written, put your crayons down.
Let's bring it in!
Herbie.
Yes, sir?
Studio 60, right?
-Pardon?
-You said "city" at dress.
-I said "city"?
-Don't worry about it.
-You said "Studio City."
-He knows.
He didn't know.
Matt just likes to give you a hard time.
Well, now this is all I can think about.
You're the announcer.
The name of the show is all you have to think about.
Take your position.
Have a good show.
You know,you screw him up.
-Herb, you're the best in the business.
-Thank you.
Name of the show is written all over the building.
Are you done?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Everybody got their notes from dress?
-Yeah.
-Keep on your toes.
We may flip the last two sketches.
I'll make the decision after News 60.
I'm sorry, News 60 or News City?
I've been hearing a lot of talk about-- shut up--I've been hearing a lot of talk about ratings around here this week, and I want it out of your heads.
Ratings are the business of the network and the advertisers.
Our customer is the audience, and they are right out there.
So let's eat 'em up.
Who's turn is it?
-Simon.
-Go.
Uh, I'm always grateful for another week of working with you all.
I'm grateful for another opportunity to try and do my best.
Harry, I hope you're a huge success in the movie, but I am grateful your head is back here full time.
And while I still think you and Matt are each as dumb as a sack of doorknobs, we're all pretty happy you're at least speaking to each other.
She knows which side her bread is buttered on.
I'll butter your head, jackass.
-Good show.
-Let's go!Let's go!
We're on the air in 30 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.
Say hello to our executive producer, Daniel Tripp.
Good evening.
-Hey.
-How was your day?
Any day Hallie Galloway doesn't try to take my job is a good day.
Now, why don't you two play nice?
-'Cause you keep pitting us against each other.
-Ah, that's right.
Why is that, Jack?
-Gets better results.
-Yeah.
Say, speaking of results...
Show's about to start.
You talk to him?
Officially?
I don't know what that means.
-I talk to him a lot.
-Officially.
It's not like he's unaware of the ratings.
I'm unaware of what he's gonna do about it.
You either, for that matter.
Listen, if it's uncomfortable laying down the law with your boyfriend, -it's perfectly understandable.
-Thank you.
I can just have Hallie take care of it.
In five, four...
three...
Good afternoon.
I have a brief message directly from the office of the Vice President.
The troop surge, our new way forward is a resounding success.
We are in the final throes of the war.
Victory is imminent and the good people of Iraq are already planning parades, fireworks and pageants celebrating their liberation from sectarian insurgent forces.
I will now take questions from the naysayers.
-Tony.
-Yes, Bill.
The additional troops haven't been deployed yet.
True.
What's your question?
How can the surge be a success if there hasn't been a surge?
That's just how good this plan is.
Sim.
Yeah.
Do you happen to know if Tom got an e-mail from his brother before the show?
Mm, no, I don't, why?
His parents called me; they haven't heard from his brother in about 48 hours.
Doesn't Mark usually e-mail Tommy??
When do we say something?
Not during the show.
Tony...
this has been the bloodiest month of the entire war.
Jim, it's statements like that that are demoralizing our troops.
I'm pretty sure it's the roadside bombs that are demoralizing our troops, but how is the surge a success if the country has spiraled into civil war?
Matt?
Yeah.
Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
You're so happy to see me you could just spit.
What are you doing here?
I need to talk to you.
-The show's up.
-I know, and I'd love to watch it, but something's come up.
That involves me?
-Are you still the head writer?
-Yeah.
Then yes.
Do we have to do this now?
A member of the TMG board's being deposed tomorrow morning in New York at 8:30 and I have to be able to prep his lawyers in the next few hours.
And I'll need to talk to Harriet Hayes.
Not while she's working you won't.
I can wait until after the show for Harriet.
I can be your date for the wrap party.
What did Harriet do?
Well, she's named as a witness in the complaint.
Karen Salisbirk wrote a sketch Harriet was in, but it got cut at dress.
By way of explanation, Harriet said, "A writers room is a tough place for a woman."
A writers room is a tough place for someone who isn't a writer.
You don't seem very excited about being my date for the wrap party.
I wore nice shoes.
I'm trying to watch the show.
Okay.
Tony!
The Joint Chiefs,the Iraq Study Group, any number of generals and a majority of the American people have called this strategy a failure.
Well, it's only a failure if you call it that.
-How's it goin' so far?
-Hang on.
Next question.
Herb?
Live, from Studio City on the Sunset Strip, it's Friday night in Hollywood.
-Did he say "city"?
-Yep.
??
Thank you, and welcome to Cooking Healthy with Nicolas Cage.
I had a full body search once while traveling to the Bahamas with Johnny Ramone and a hooker named Binky, so tonight we'll be talking about truffles almondine.
Caller, you're on the phone with Nicolas Cage.
You put on a tie for show night.
-Yeah.
-That's nice.
-It's old fashioned.
-It is.
You look at the old pictures of the writers, and all my heroes wore coats and ties.
Her attorneys filed a retaliation claim this morning.
-Do you know what that is?
-No.
You were called for a recommendation by a producer named Dan Spitzer.
He had an animated comedy picked up for mid-season and he was staffing up.
Karen Salisbirk was in the running for a job as a staff writer and he called you about her, do you remember that?
I don't mean to be rude, but we're kind of in the middle of something right now.
-I can wait.
-Thank you.
Not that long, though.
I get calls about staff writers.
Everybody calls everybody.
-You remember the call from Dan Spitzer?
-Yes.
-He was calling about Karen Salisbirk?
-He was calling about a few writers.
-Was one of them Karen?
-Yes.
Then don't play around with me.
Sorry.
Unless it's flirting and then that's fine.
He was calling-- hang on.
if I didn't smell the scent of defrosting Stouffer's lasagna curling through the friggin' phoneine!
Damn it.
-They laughed.
-Not enough.
You're so cute I could just put your poster up in my dorm room.
What does that mean?
I don't know, I just say these things.
Huh.
Suzanne!
-What did you tell him?
-Mary, I've never worked with Karen Salisbirk.
I've never met Karen Salisbirk.
All this stuff happened before I came back here.
What did you tellDan Sp??
I told him that I'd never worked with her.
And?
I told him that she'd been fired 'cause she wasn't good enough and now she's suing the show.
I told him she's bad news.
There's the retaliation claim.
She's saying you're depriving her of future earnings.
Am I about to be named as a co-defendant in this preposterous law suit?
The network's gonna pay the legal fees.
'Cause I answered the phone?!
-Doesn't that suck?
-Yes!
You look good in the tie, though, that's a good one for court.
I'm gonna leave you alone for a little while, but can I ask you to consider something very seriously?
What?
I honestly think I'd be a really good date for the wrap party.
The sketch is funny.
I was listening to it while I was talking to you.
I have an I.Q.
of like 210, it's ridiculous.
Gee, Caller, I have to tell you I think that recipe would work better for you if your head weren't quite so far up your ass!
And that's our show for today.
Come back next week when we put the lie to complex carbohydrates.
This has been Cooking Healthy with Nicholas Cage.
You stuck it.
-Pushed it.
-You didn't.
I went to his dressing room,checked his e-mail.
The last one was three days ago.
-Well, I mean,is this unusual?
-Five, four, three...
No.
I mean...
no, the unit goes out, but he usually...
He let's them know when he's gonna be out of touch.
Yeah.
-I'm not sure it's right not to tell him.
-Nothing to tell him.
The call from his parents?
-Not during the show.
-During the show.
Hey.
-??
-It's going good.
-You all right?
-Yeah.
A gel burned.
Can you see it?
Up left.
-You sure?
-Huh?
You seem a little...
Jack's up there; he's hassling me a little.
Tell him to shut the hell up and watch the show.
-Well, I can't.
-You can.
He's the boss, Danny.
I work in the real world.
-Yeah, what world do I work in?
-We'll talk about it after.
-This is about the ratings.
-We'll talk about it after.
It's about the ratings.
I asked you not to open with the war.
We'll talk about it after.
Matty Boy...
Hey, Jack.
-You got any good scotch?
-Help yourself.
Hey...
-You know what I did today?
-No.
-I bought a company.
-Yeah?
Yeah.Five percent of a company.
It's a small media technology group called Dramatic Revolution.
I could use one.
Funny you should mention that.
-How funny?
-Nah, you're gonna like this.
They showed me a demonstration of a piece of software called "Standing O" or "Standing O 3000" or something.
It's from the same designer who came up with Platinum Blue.
You know what that is?
-No.
-It can listen to a song and tell you what to add or subtract to make it a hit.
-I do like the sound of this.
-It's for real.
They've plugged in the plots from 500 successful movies, breaking down their elements and bam, they tell you your screenplay needs a car chase here, a love scene there, a sidekick...
By God, this is a dramatic revolution.
They can do it with sketch comedy, too.
They put in the best of S-60,SNL, Monty Python, Carol Burnett,Sonny and Cher, Laugh-In.
I have to ask, what does this computer consider to be the best of Sonny and Cher?
It's a good question.
Ratings are cyclical, Jack.
Who the hell knows why anybody watches anything?
Apparently this computer does.
Thanks for the scotch.
And we're out.
Back in two-and-a-half.
-It's going okay.
-Yeah.
You need anything?
What's wrong?
Suzanne, what's wrong?
Matt, if I ask you something, will you promise not to fire me?
I'm not gonna fire you.
What's wrong?
Are you high right now?
How'd you know?
My mother took 20 to 30 Percocets a day.
-Suzi...
-When she woke up,she just took more.
I have been...
It's okay.
I was a little depressed when Harriet started seeing Luke.
That hit me, knocked me down a little.
-Matt...
-Suzanne, you have to understand, it's not like putting a hammer to a nail.
Writing a comedy show, you can't be depressed while you're doing it.
You gotta have energy and you got to be able to feel joy.
And it's not like I can ask everybody to sit and wait while I get over it.
I know.
As soon as we h??a hiatus, I'm gonna stop.
Okay?
My mom said that when I was nine.
And when I was ten, she slit her wrists.
I'm fine, Suzanne, I swear to God I am.
Back in 20 seconds.
Does Herb know he said "Studio City"?
That was my fault.
I messed with his head a little bit.
-Okay.
-??
Five, four,three...
According to a government panel, schools in Japan should re-think a ban on corporal punishment.
Testifying before the panel, retired schoolteacher 93-year-old Keiko Okubo said students tended to be better behaved, more studious and less likely to be tardy when she was allowed to kick them in the face.
From the runways of Milan, fashion experts are predicting that the trend for next fall will be leggings for men.
In my neighborhood we had a saying: "You go first.
Let's see if you get shot."
Harriet?
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in an interview with...
The guy who invented it used to be a network executive.
Yeah?
Head of Current at CBS for about two years.
He was vexed, you see, by the constant coddling that these show-runners demand and came up with this program.
He tried it first with screenplays, then songs, and he tried it with teleplays.
He swears it'll work with sketch comedy.
-Can I watch the show?
-Yeah.
He's averaging a 5-7, 19 share.
In late night,anybody would take that and run and you know it.
-He's averaging 5-7 over five months.
-Over two months...
-Jack...
-Excuse me.
If you're gonna throw down numbers and tell me what I know, you don't mind if I state some facts, right?
He's got the 5-7 average over five months..
Over the last two,it's 4-8/15 and he's this close to losing 300,000 viewers half-hour to half-hour.
We're gonna be givin' away time in the last half hour of this show free with a full tank of gas.
-Critics are still comp...
-The critics don't pay our bills and the critics aren't still anything.
The last couple of weeks half of 'em have beating up Matt like he's an event at the damn X-Games.
You want to talk to me, hmm?
You want to talk to me, talk to me, -but this is big-boy school.
-I don't need to be told that.
I'm not insensitive to your situation.
This why I'm telling you if you want Hallie to sit down with him...
What's it gonna take to get you to stop waving Hallie at me?
The 10,000 viewers a minute he's losing.
Excuse me.
Mary, I heard you were here.
More depo prep.
Friday night?
We've got a board member first thing in the morning in New York.
-Have you met Jack Rudolph?
-No.
Mary Tate.I'm with the Gage Whitney team.
The Karen Salisbirk thing.
Can I opt to not be a part of this until I absolutely have to?
Yes, sir.
See how she called me "sir" and did it in a dulcet voice?
Yes, I did.
You wanted to be kept up to speed.
How far along are you?
Uh, seven months.A little more.
-Do you know what you're having?
-We're having a little girl.
We?
I thought that...
-Yeah, I meant me.
-Sorry.
-I'm having...
-None of my business.
-So...You're a lawyer.
-Yeah.
They're going to amend the complaint with a retaliatory claim.
-Defamation?
-Yeah.
A potential employer, a producer named Spitzer called Matt to ask for feedback on Salisbirk.
Matt told him she was fired for performance, but was suing for wrongful termination and harassment and that she was bad news.
-Wasn't he exercising free speech?
-He was, and he's cute when he does it, too.
Yeah, Matt's cute as a bug.
Maybe you'll give me a heads up when he's over Harriet.
Mary?
Sorry.
Yeah, in California you're not allowed to do what he did.
He said she was fired because of her performance.
He was asked for a recommendation.
But he didn't know that to be true.
He wasn't there.
He guessed.
Matt Albie's guess in this situation is extremely credible.
Doesn't matter.All he knows for sure is when she started work and when she stopped, and that's all he's allowed to say.
Now they've got defamation, earnings, future earnings...
-That's a crazy-ass law, Mary.
-I know, that's what makes this so fantastic to work on.
Well, I'm glad we could show you a good time.
And with the Con-lawimplications??
at the top, this thing's an express train to the U.S.
Supreme Court.
My partners and I would do this one for free.
Yeah, but you're not, and that train's gonna take about seven years, so can you get us off?
No sweat.
I'm gonna watch the show.
Sure.
Thank you to our News 60 weather expert Tom Jeter.
And finally, according to a report by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, racial disparities in income,education and home ownership persist and by most measurements are even growing.
Last year the median income for white households was $50,622.
For black households it was $30,939 and an off-the-charts sick amount for Jews in Hollywood.
I'm Harriet Hayes.
And I'm Simon Stiles.
That's the news.
-I said "snow machine",did you hear that?
-No.
I said "snow machine" instead of "snowblower."
That's why there was silence where a laugh was supposed to be.
-Don't worry about it.
-I am worried about it.
You're not the reason we're losing 'em.
We should be doing more frat stuff.
-Like what?
-Catchphrases.
Anything you can sit around and chant over a beer bong.
Should have opened with "Thai Therapist".
You in that outfit.
What the hell is going on?
I said "snow machine".
I don't even know...
What the hell is going on?
We're talking about the show.
Did you hear Danny say he doesn't want us talking about ratings on this stage?
Did you hear him?
Sim.
I got another call from Tom's parents.
When?
I had my cell on vibrate at the desk.
I just called them back.
They got a call from the parents of another guy in the unit.
They haven't gotten a check-in either.
-I have the worst feeling about this.
-Then keep it to yourself.
-No, we're telling him now.
-No, we're not.
-Simon...
-Nobody knows anything.
The unit's out, they're working.
They don't come home on the San Diego Freeway.
Yeah, they come home on roads with bombs.
What good would it do to tell him right now?
Maybe Tom's got a contact he can call who's got information.
If you think Tom's has a more advanced information- gathering-and-tracking system than the Air Force, be my guest.
-I think...
-In addition to whatever unnecessary fear you shoot into him, he'll also have the memory of walking through sketches like a zombie on national TV when he's heavy in the last two-thirds.
This is where we get in trouble.
You're talking about the ratings?
-I'm talking about...
-Are you kidding me?
If there's something they need to tell him, he'll be...
they'll tell him.
Okay.
And, yeah, I worry about my job.
I don't have a movie coming out at Christmas.
Two and a half back.
Everything's all right.
-Yo, Norma Rae?
-Me?
You told Karen Salisbirk a writers room's a tough place for a woman?
Her sketch had gotten cut, I was making her feel better.
They're gonna ask you when you were lying, then or now.
I wasn't lying either time.
I was making her feel better by telling the truth.
-A writers room's a tough place for a...
-Yes.
Why?
-Why?
-Yeah.
Because fundamentally, women are taught not to be funny.
-Because it's not attractive.
-It is to me.
Good for you.
It was attractive to Joe DiMaggio.
No it wasn't attractive to Joe DiMaggio, Matt.
What the hell is a snow machine?
-Ask Tom.
-Tom!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I just came here for a second.
They told me.
-It sounded like you needed to lie down or something.
-No, I'm fine.Go back downstairs.
-I got a minute.
-Go back downstairs.
I have a minute.
I've done this a couple of times before. "
I asked you not to open with the war"?
-What the hell was that?
-That?
Yeah.
It was a note.
From the president of the network.
I asked you not to open with the war.
The war's a bummer, huh?
It used to be money in the bank.
You're the one having this argument right now, not me.
I'm the one saying go produce your show.
I'm the one throwing my body in front of Jack.
-We've averaged a 5-7/19 over...
-Over five months.
Over two it's a 4-8 and the half-hours are simply unacceptable.
-Then we need to talk about this.
-We will.
I asked you not to open with the war.
And you know what else?
You knew you shouldn't have but you did it anyway.
You did it because I asked you not to.
That's just messed up.
And we're taking down a lot a good people with us.
Now get your ass back on the floor.
Back in 30.
30 seconds live.
Ladies and gentlemen,??
Gran Bel Fisher.
You got me in trouble with Matt.
Hi.
-I'm Harriet Hayes.
-I know.
I'm a big fan.
-I'm Mary Tate...
-I know.
You're one of them troublemakers.
I am, but I work for you.
Not for me.Nobody's suing me.
This band is great.
Did you want to talk to me?
I promised I wouldn't until after the show.
I'm done.
I've just got the good night.
-You sure?
-Yeah.
Thanks, 'cause they're waiting for me on the phone in New York.
This will just take a second.
You knew Karen Salisbirk?
Yeah, a very little.
-She wrote a sketch you were in?
-It got cut at dress.
And you told her that a writers room is a tough place for a woman?
She'd just got her sketch cut, I was making her feel better.
So you were lying to her?
Say "Yes, I was lying to her."
I'm...
lying is a big word for me.
There's no law against telling someone their hair looks great when you really think it doesn't.
-Good.
-There's, just a law against doing it under oath.
Is the writers room here a tough place for a woman?
-It was then.
-Yeah?
It's not now.
-You're not being sued for now.
-I'm not being sued at all.
They're gonna take your deposition, Harriet.
-Can I call you Harriet?
-Yeah.
They're gonna take your deposition, and I'll be honest, these aren't the world's greatest answers you're giving me.
How tough?
Mary, I am sure that Karen was fired because she wasn't writing good material.
You're not sure,and please don't make Matt's mistake and repeat that to anyone-- how tough?
Wes Mendell is a very good man.
I know.
How tough?
Ricky and Ronald ran a bad room.
You're talking about a pack mentality of guys age 25 to 33 who'd never been let into the pack.
Not a lot of comedy writers dated the prom queen.
These guys wrote to be mean.
All right.
We'll talk more after?
-Sure.The party's here on stage.
-Thanks.
Hey, why does Matt write?
I'm sorry?
You said the other guys were writing to be mean.
Why does Matt write?
Matt writes to get people to like him.
Yeah?
It's working on you, isn't it?
Two and a half back for "Thai Therapy" and good nights.??
It was a great show.
I didn't see you there.
It was a great show.
What are you doing?
It's for the party.
Free alterations are a great perk of this job.
-I'm showing you a little leg tonight.
-I'm all for that.
You were great tonight.
-No, I wasn't.
-Honey...
No, I don't know what the hell is going on here.
You're being too hard on yourself.
You know who isn't hard on themselves?
Amateurs.
-It was a good show.
-It wasn't the one we wanted.
You guys need to calm down.
You know who's calm?
-Amateurs?
-Yes.
And I like showing off for you, Lucy, it didn't happen tonight.
Yes, it did.
And if it wasn't the show you wanted then I'm partly to blame.
Yeah, but you've got the legs.
True.
-What are you doing?
-What?
-What are you doing?
-We're talking to each other.
About ratings?
What are you,the police tonight?
Simon, please,disabuse Tom of the idea that he wasn't good tonight.
-Can't do it.
-Simon...
-A snow machine?
-I know. "
Snowblower" is what's funny.
-I know that, too.
-Nice dress.
-Excuse me, eyes front.
-Thank you.
Let me talk to you a second.
I am crazy about her, man, I mean...
really.
I had a bad show, people are talking about us like we're dead, I feel really bad and I still feel great and it's 'cause of her.
Sim, let's just have a good time and relax at the party tonight, okay?
You and me, we've got to enjoy more moments in our lives.
I agree.
-What did you want to say to me?
-Full cast, this is the standby for good nights.
-Nothing.
-What?
I can't remember.
I'll remember later.Let's go.
Coming back in five, four, three...
A heavenly oriental odyssey awaits On Far East Airport Road.
Next to Stuckeys.
??
Because doesn't everyone deserve a happy ending?
That's our show everybody, you've been great.
Thank you to Gran Bel Fisher.
Thank you to the cast and crew.
Thanks Danny Tripp,Matt Albie.
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Good night.
Give 'em to me.
-What?
-Give 'em to me now.
-What are you talking...?
-Give me the pills.
-Danny...
-I'm a drug addict, Matt, and I have to be one for the rest of my life.
I will beat you to a bloody pulp before I let you...
-Where are the freakin' pills?!
-You might want to calm down.
Sure, maybe I will.
What are you taking,Matt, Percocet?
Vicodin?
Did you discover OxyContin?
I hope you're crushing 'em down, 'cause that's what defeats the time-release gets you high right away.
Look up hydrocodone, it takes about 200 hours to get addicted.
You think taking the pills messes you up?
That's nothing compared to not taking them once you get started.
If you're gonna do it,do it right.
Get an eight-ball, cook it up with some baking powder, let it cool into a rock and smoke it.
Where are they?
-What the hell are these?
-Flintstones Vitamins.
These are Flintstones Vitamins.
Yeah.
I like the Bam Bams.
-You got a problem with that?
-Suzanne said you were taking pills.
I was.
Till when?
About an hour ago.
What have you been taking?
Anything.
I've stopped now.
I'm not writing the show any better high than I was straight.
You were writing it worse.
I know that.
And you're done?
??
What are you doing?
Drinking orange juice.
Let's end the fight.
I'm sorry I told you to get your ass back on the stage.
I'm sorry that I said...
or did...
I can't think of anything I'm sorry I said or did.
-It's nice when we can meet halfway.
-You know...
There are times when I'm gonna have to talk to you like a show runner and there are times when you're going to have to talk to me like I'm the president of your network.
Give me notes.
The show's over, give me notes.
You're skewing urban, you need to increase red state appeal.
You're skewing older, you need to get 18 to 24 back.
and you need women.
So your note is "get more people to watch it."
-Yes.
-They pay you for that?
-Shove it up your ass.
-That's how you talk to the other show runners?
That's how I talk to you.Right now.
Why did you open with war?
It was in the news this week, it felt like a good cold open, sometimes we're wrong.
-I don't think we were tonight.
-When I see your press room set, I know what's coming, when I surf YouTube I don't.
Then surf YouTube.
What do you want from me?
-Excuse me,could I possibly get another orange juice?
-Sure.
In fact, if you've got a carton back there, -I'll take it.
-Sure.
-What's with orange juice?
-What do I want from you?
I want you to stop saying "What do you want from me?"
You had Samantha Li in a one-piece at the end of the show instead of the beginning.
-You did an entire News 60 segment...
-Stop.
Please.
We're losing viewers 'cause the show hasn't been good in a little while.
People aren't saying "Did you see S-60 on Friday?"
-Why?
-Time.
What do you mean?
Matt hasn't been able to start writing until Wednesday.
-Why?
-I'm working on it.
-Why?
-I'm working on it,Jordan.
-In the meantime...
-Ma'am.
Thank you.
In the meantime,please look at history, and see that this show's numbers have always gone up.
Seriously, are you gonna drink that whole carton?
Yeah.
Why?
I can't feel the baby kick.
What are you talking about?
I haven't felt her kick all day.
And if I drink orange juice, usually I can get her to...
-Come with me.
-What?
Come with me.
That's three hours from now, there's nothing preliminary?
I said "There's nothing preliminary?"
No early...
I'm just talking about the East Coast.
No, I guess I don't understand.
They can tell us who won an election in two and a half minutes, why can't Neilson tell us how many...
No, I'm not taking a tone of voice, I just...
Thank you.
Thank you.
Why aren't ratings instantaneous?
I know you know I told Danny.
I know you know I know.
You're gonna stop?
I already did.
-Really?
-Yeah.
And you're not mad at me?
I'm mad at me.
You're gonna crash now,you know?
-You're gonna feel terrible.
-That's what they tell me.
It's gonna be worse than they tell you.
Your body produces serotonin and endorphins and other things that allow the brain to experience pleasure and a sense of well being.
Yeah.
When you take those pills long enough, your body stops producing those things because something else already is.
I know.
It's gonna take a while for it to get back up to speed.
In a couple of hours, Miss America could stand in front of you naked and hand you a Pulitzer Prize and you'd be depressed about it.
Well, let's give it a try.
I'm not joking.
Herb.
I just looked at the tape.
I said "Studio City."
You did.
Why?
Just wasn't our night.
Go enjoy the party.
I know you're not joking.
And I appreciate it.
Let me know when you have the East Coast overnights.
I will.
Mary.
-Hi.
-How are you?
Fine, thanks.
You know I talked to Harriet before.
It was during the show, but it wasn't my fault,she started it.
-Anyway, she said...
-Yes.
I'm sorry?
Yes, I'd like you to be my date for the party tonight.
Unless you'd like to leave the party and go have dinner with me.
-When did this happen?
-Right now.
It's happening in real time.
Nah. "
Nah"?
-You're still in love with Harriet Hayes.
-Mary...
I've taken 9,000 pages of statements.
You don't have to be a lawyer, -you just have to be a woman...
-I'm starting over,I'm moving on.
I have to.
It's that or the Betty Ford Center.
So what do you say?
-I've heard more romantic reasons...
-Mensa lady, I'm asking you out to dinner.
You got anything better to do?
-Again, your poetry is working its magic...
-Come on.
I've gotta makethe cal??
When I'm done...
-yeah, take me out.
-Great.
I know why you're doing this and it's okay with me 'cause pretty soon you're gonna find out I'm hot stuff.
I already think you're hot stuff.
Oh, well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Why didn't you tell me before?
I didn't know when to make a big deal of it and you were doing a show.
-I was doing a show?
That's...
-What are you looking for?
We do about a hundred different doctor sketches, there's gotta be-- here!
-You gotta be kidding me.
-I'm gonna listen for a heartbeat.
Now I've pretty much touched the bottom of the health care industry.
I can hear a heartbeat.
How do you know that's not my heartbeat?
That's a good point.
-I'm gonna take you to the emergency room.
-I'm not going to the emergency room.
-Yeah, you are.
-No, they're gonna think I'm crazy.
How 'bout if I give you a head wound, they can check on that while we're...
Here.
Let's go.
I need to talk to both of you.
We can't talk about ratings right now.
This isn't about ratings.
There's breaking news and we're going on with it in about three minutes.
Simon.
-Hey.
-Where's Tom?
Relang.
Celebrating.
'Cause lately...
Where is he?
-What happened?
-Do you know where he is?
What happened?
Three American soldiers were ambushed in their truck on a road in Paktika, Afghanistan.
-One of them is Mark Jeter.
-Oh...
-Al-Jazeera...
-Is he dead?
He's a hostage.
-There's some pretty graphic video of...
-He's up on the roof.
You know Neilson finally decided to put boxes in college dorms.
You know how many?
135.
135 college students are pretty heavily involved with our career right this minute.
But I'm happy anyway.
Because of my legs.
I was gonna say something nicer, but, yeah, your legs.
And can I just add that "snowblower" isn't a hard word to say.
I've said it many times without any sort of problem.
Snowblower.
I just said it right there, snowblower.??
Tom, we have a car that's going to take you to our newsroom where...
Tom!
That's him.
In the middle.
They said their names.
It doesn't look like him.
He was beaten up.
There could be another Mark Jeter.
Staff Sergeant, First Expeditionary Red Horse Squadron out of Bagram.
These things turn out okay.
They've said...
Tom!
Tom!
Tommy...
Oh, my God.
We're taking you to the L.A.
bureau.
You're gonna know everything the moment network news does.
A plane is picking your parents up right now.
Where would you like it to take them, here or New York?
Here, please.
Let's go.
God, the guy's holding an axe.
-??
Billie...
have you had anything to drink at the party yet?
No.
Drive Jordan to ??Cedars-Sinai emergency room, she'll tell you why on the way.
-?�� -Just go.
-You call me as soon you get there.
-You call me if you hear anything.
Yeah, yeah.
Go.
What do you want to do now?
Stay right here.
??
??
??
??you just fake it with him or something?
I'm in the middle of a scene right now.
I'll be back as soon as I'm wrapped.
You love me.
-A little bit.
-No, huge.
Mm, I've loved other guys, it's a passing thing.
Isn't Harriet the reason you're having trouble writing?
And isn't the writing connected to the ratings?
Well, I've been feeling a little down lately and I got a show to get done.
Take these.
You're gonna like 'em.
Two minute till live air, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's go!
Huddle up!
Let's bring it in.
Dylan, you nervous?
-No.
-You should be, you're going on TV in two minutes.
-Matty!
-Yeah.
Show's written, put your crayons down.
Let's bring it in!
Herbie.
Yes, sir?
Studio 60, right?
-Pardon?
-You said "city" at dress.
-I said "city"?
-Don't worry about it.
-You said "Studio City."
-He knows.
He didn't know.
Matt just likes to give you a hard time.
Well, now this is all I can think about.
You're the announcer.
The name of the show is all you have to think about.
Take your position.
Have a good show.
You know,you screw him up.
-Herb, you're the best in the business.
-Thank you.
Name of the show is written all over the building.
Are you done?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Everybody got their notes from dress?
-Yeah.
-Keep on your toes.
We may flip the last two sketches.
I'll make the decision after News 60.
I'm sorry, News 60 or News City?
I've been hearing a lot of talk about-- shut up--I've been hearing a lot of talk about ratings around here this week, and I want it out of your heads.
Ratings are the business of the network and the advertisers.
Our customer is the audience, and they are right out there.
So let's eat 'em up.
Who's turn is it?
-Simon.
-Go.
Uh, I'm always grateful for another week of working with you all.
I'm grateful for another opportunity to try and do my best.
Harry, I hope you're a huge success in the movie, but I am grateful your head is back here full time.
And while I still think you and Matt are each as dumb as a sack of doorknobs, we're all pretty happy you're at least speaking to each other.
She knows which side her bread is buttered on.
I'll butter your head, jackass.
-Good show.
-Let's go!Let's go!
We're on the air in 30 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.
Say hello to our executive producer, Daniel Tripp.
Good evening.
-Hey.
-How was your day?
Any day Hallie Galloway doesn't try to take my job is a good day.
Now, why don't you two play nice?
-'Cause you keep pitting us against each other.
-Ah, that's right.
Why is that, Jack?
-Gets better results.
-Yeah.
Say, speaking of results...
Show's about to start.
You talk to him?
Officially?
I don't know what that means.
-I talk to him a lot.
-Officially.
It's not like he's unaware of the ratings.
I'm unaware of what he's gonna do about it.
You either, for that matter.
Listen, if it's uncomfortable laying down the law with your boyfriend, -it's perfectly understandable.
-Thank you.
I can just have Hallie take care of it.
In five, four...
three...
Good afternoon.
I have a brief message directly from the office of the Vice President.
The troop surge, our new way forward is a resounding success.
We are in the final throes of the war.
Victory is imminent and the good people of Iraq are already planning parades, fireworks and pageants celebrating their liberation from sectarian insurgent forces.
I will now take questions from the naysayers.
-Tony.
-Yes, Bill.
The additional troops haven't been deployed yet.
True.
What's your question?
How can the surge be a success if there hasn't been a surge?
That's just how good this plan is.
Sim.
Yeah.
Do you happen to know if Tom got an e-mail from his brother before the show?
Mm, no, I don't, why?
His parents called me; they haven't heard from his brother in about 48 hours.
Doesn't Mark usually e-mail Tommy??
When do we say something?
Not during the show.
Tony...
this has been the bloodiest month of the entire war.
Jim, it's statements like that that are demoralizing our troops.
I'm pretty sure it's the roadside bombs that are demoralizing our troops, but how is the surge a success if the country has spiraled into civil war?
Matt?
Yeah.
Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
You're so happy to see me you could just spit.
What are you doing here?
I need to talk to you.
-The show's up.
-I know, and I'd love to watch it, but something's come up.
That involves me?
-Are you still the head writer?
-Yeah.
Then yes.
Do we have to do this now?
A member of the TMG board's being deposed tomorrow morning in New York at 8:30 and I have to be able to prep his lawyers in the next few hours.
And I'll need to talk to Harriet Hayes.
Not while she's working you won't.
I can wait until after the show for Harriet.
I can be your date for the wrap party.
What did Harriet do?
Well, she's named as a witness in the complaint.
Karen Salisbirk wrote a sketch Harriet was in, but it got cut at dress.
By way of explanation, Harriet said, "A writers room is a tough place for a woman."
A writers room is a tough place for someone who isn't a writer.
You don't seem very excited about being my date for the wrap party.
I wore nice shoes.
I'm trying to watch the show.
Okay.
Tony!
The Joint Chiefs,the Iraq Study Group, any number of generals and a majority of the American people have called this strategy a failure.
Well, it's only a failure if you call it that.
-How's it goin' so far?
-Hang on.
Next question.
Herb?
Live, from Studio City on the Sunset Strip, it's Friday night in Hollywood.
-Did he say "city"?
-Yep.
??
Thank you, and welcome to Cooking Healthy with Nicolas Cage.
I had a full body search once while traveling to the Bahamas with Johnny Ramone and a hooker named Binky, so tonight we'll be talking about truffles almondine.
Caller, you're on the phone with Nicolas Cage.
You put on a tie for show night.
-Yeah.
-That's nice.
-It's old fashioned.
-It is.
You look at the old pictures of the writers, and all my heroes wore coats and ties.
Her attorneys filed a retaliation claim this morning.
-Do you know what that is?
-No.
You were called for a recommendation by a producer named Dan Spitzer.
He had an animated comedy picked up for mid-season and he was staffing up.
Karen Salisbirk was in the running for a job as a staff writer and he called you about her, do you remember that?
I don't mean to be rude, but we're kind of in the middle of something right now.
-I can wait.
-Thank you.
Not that long, though.
I get calls about staff writers.
Everybody calls everybody.
-You remember the call from Dan Spitzer?
-Yes.
-He was calling about Karen Salisbirk?
-He was calling about a few writers.
-Was one of them Karen?
-Yes.
Then don't play around with me.
Sorry.
Unless it's flirting and then that's fine.
He was calling-- hang on.
if I didn't smell the scent of defrosting Stouffer's lasagna curling through the friggin' phoneine!
Damn it.
-They laughed.
-Not enough.
You're so cute I could just put your poster up in my dorm room.
What does that mean?
I don't know, I just say these things.
Huh.
Suzanne!
-What did you tell him?
-Mary, I've never worked with Karen Salisbirk.
I've never met Karen Salisbirk.
All this stuff happened before I came back here.
What did you tellDan Sp??
I told him that I'd never worked with her.
And?
I told him that she'd been fired 'cause she wasn't good enough and now she's suing the show.
I told him she's bad news.
There's the retaliation claim.
She's saying you're depriving her of future earnings.
Am I about to be named as a co-defendant in this preposterous law suit?
The network's gonna pay the legal fees.
'Cause I answered the phone?!
-Doesn't that suck?
-Yes!
You look good in the tie, though, that's a good one for court.
I'm gonna leave you alone for a little while, but can I ask you to consider something very seriously?
What?
I honestly think I'd be a really good date for the wrap party.
The sketch is funny.
I was listening to it while I was talking to you.
I have an I.Q.
of like 210, it's ridiculous.
Gee, Caller, I have to tell you I think that recipe would work better for you if your head weren't quite so far up your ass!
And that's our show for today.
Come back next week when we put the lie to complex carbohydrates.
This has been Cooking Healthy with Nicholas Cage.
You stuck it.
-Pushed it.
-You didn't.
I went to his dressing room,checked his e-mail.
The last one was three days ago.
-Well, I mean,is this unusual?
-Five, four, three...
No.
I mean...
no, the unit goes out, but he usually...
He let's them know when he's gonna be out of touch.
Yeah.
-I'm not sure it's right not to tell him.
-Nothing to tell him.
The call from his parents?
-Not during the show.
-During the show.
Hey.
-??
-It's going good.
-You all right?
-Yeah.
A gel burned.
Can you see it?
Up left.
-You sure?
-Huh?
You seem a little...
Jack's up there; he's hassling me a little.
Tell him to shut the hell up and watch the show.
-Well, I can't.
-You can.
He's the boss, Danny.
I work in the real world.
-Yeah, what world do I work in?
-We'll talk about it after.
-This is about the ratings.
-We'll talk about it after.
It's about the ratings.
I asked you not to open with the war.
We'll talk about it after.
Matty Boy...
Hey, Jack.
-You got any good scotch?
-Help yourself.
Hey...
-You know what I did today?
-No.
-I bought a company.
-Yeah?
Yeah.Five percent of a company.
It's a small media technology group called Dramatic Revolution.
I could use one.
Funny you should mention that.
-How funny?
-Nah, you're gonna like this.
They showed me a demonstration of a piece of software called "Standing O" or "Standing O 3000" or something.
It's from the same designer who came up with Platinum Blue.
You know what that is?
-No.
-It can listen to a song and tell you what to add or subtract to make it a hit.
-I do like the sound of this.
-It's for real.
They've plugged in the plots from 500 successful movies, breaking down their elements and bam, they tell you your screenplay needs a car chase here, a love scene there, a sidekick...
By God, this is a dramatic revolution.
They can do it with sketch comedy, too.
They put in the best of S-60,SNL, Monty Python, Carol Burnett,Sonny and Cher, Laugh-In.
I have to ask, what does this computer consider to be the best of Sonny and Cher?
It's a good question.
Ratings are cyclical, Jack.
Who the hell knows why anybody watches anything?
Apparently this computer does.
Thanks for the scotch.
And we're out.
Back in two-and-a-half.
-It's going okay.
-Yeah.
You need anything?
What's wrong?
Suzanne, what's wrong?
Matt, if I ask you something, will you promise not to fire me?
I'm not gonna fire you.
What's wrong?
Are you high right now?
How'd you know?
My mother took 20 to 30 Percocets a day.
-Suzi...
-When she woke up,she just took more.
I have been...
It's okay.
I was a little depressed when Harriet started seeing Luke.
That hit me, knocked me down a little.
-Matt...
-Suzanne, you have to understand, it's not like putting a hammer to a nail.
Writing a comedy show, you can't be depressed while you're doing it.
You gotta have energy and you got to be able to feel joy.
And it's not like I can ask everybody to sit and wait while I get over it.
I know.
As soon as we h??a hiatus, I'm gonna stop.
Okay?
My mom said that when I was nine.
And when I was ten, she slit her wrists.
I'm fine, Suzanne, I swear to God I am.
Back in 20 seconds.
Does Herb know he said "Studio City"?
That was my fault.
I messed with his head a little bit.
-Okay.
-??
Five, four,three...
According to a government panel, schools in Japan should re-think a ban on corporal punishment.
Testifying before the panel, retired schoolteacher 93-year-old Keiko Okubo said students tended to be better behaved, more studious and less likely to be tardy when she was allowed to kick them in the face.
From the runways of Milan, fashion experts are predicting that the trend for next fall will be leggings for men.
In my neighborhood we had a saying: "You go first.
Let's see if you get shot."
Harriet?
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in an interview with...
The guy who invented it used to be a network executive.
Yeah?
Head of Current at CBS for about two years.
He was vexed, you see, by the constant coddling that these show-runners demand and came up with this program.
He tried it first with screenplays, then songs, and he tried it with teleplays.
He swears it'll work with sketch comedy.
-Can I watch the show?
-Yeah.
He's averaging a 5-7, 19 share.
In late night,anybody would take that and run and you know it.
-He's averaging 5-7 over five months.
-Over two months...
-Jack...
-Excuse me.
If you're gonna throw down numbers and tell me what I know, you don't mind if I state some facts, right?
He's got the 5-7 average over five months..
Over the last two,it's 4-8/15 and he's this close to losing 300,000 viewers half-hour to half-hour.
We're gonna be givin' away time in the last half hour of this show free with a full tank of gas.
-Critics are still comp...
-The critics don't pay our bills and the critics aren't still anything.
The last couple of weeks half of 'em have beating up Matt like he's an event at the damn X-Games.
You want to talk to me, hmm?
You want to talk to me, talk to me, -but this is big-boy school.
-I don't need to be told that.
I'm not insensitive to your situation.
This why I'm telling you if you want Hallie to sit down with him...
What's it gonna take to get you to stop waving Hallie at me?
The 10,000 viewers a minute he's losing.
Excuse me.
Mary, I heard you were here.
More depo prep.
Friday night?
We've got a board member first thing in the morning in New York.
-Have you met Jack Rudolph?
-No.
Mary Tate.I'm with the Gage Whitney team.
The Karen Salisbirk thing.
Can I opt to not be a part of this until I absolutely have to?
Yes, sir.
See how she called me "sir" and did it in a dulcet voice?
Yes, I did.
You wanted to be kept up to speed.
How far along are you?
Uh, seven months.A little more.
-Do you know what you're having?
-We're having a little girl.
We?
I thought that...
-Yeah, I meant me.
-Sorry.
-I'm having...
-None of my business.
-So...You're a lawyer.
-Yeah.
They're going to amend the complaint with a retaliatory claim.
-Defamation?
-Yeah.
A potential employer, a producer named Spitzer called Matt to ask for feedback on Salisbirk.
Matt told him she was fired for performance, but was suing for wrongful termination and harassment and that she was bad news.
-Wasn't he exercising free speech?
-He was, and he's cute when he does it, too.
Yeah, Matt's cute as a bug.
Maybe you'll give me a heads up when he's over Harriet.
Mary?
Sorry.
Yeah, in California you're not allowed to do what he did.
He said she was fired because of her performance.
He was asked for a recommendation.
But he didn't know that to be true.
He wasn't there.
He guessed.
Matt Albie's guess in this situation is extremely credible.
Doesn't matter.All he knows for sure is when she started work and when she stopped, and that's all he's allowed to say.
Now they've got defamation, earnings, future earnings...
-That's a crazy-ass law, Mary.
-I know, that's what makes this so fantastic to work on.
Well, I'm glad we could show you a good time.
And with the Con-lawimplications??
at the top, this thing's an express train to the U.S.
Supreme Court.
My partners and I would do this one for free.
Yeah, but you're not, and that train's gonna take about seven years, so can you get us off?
No sweat.
I'm gonna watch the show.
Sure.
Thank you to our News 60 weather expert Tom Jeter.
And finally, according to a report by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, racial disparities in income,education and home ownership persist and by most measurements are even growing.
Last year the median income for white households was $50,622.
For black households it was $30,939 and an off-the-charts sick amount for Jews in Hollywood.
I'm Harriet Hayes.
And I'm Simon Stiles.
That's the news.
-I said "snow machine",did you hear that?
-No.
I said "snow machine" instead of "snowblower."
That's why there was silence where a laugh was supposed to be.
-Don't worry about it.
-I am worried about it.
You're not the reason we're losing 'em.
We should be doing more frat stuff.
-Like what?
-Catchphrases.
Anything you can sit around and chant over a beer bong.
Should have opened with "Thai Therapist".
You in that outfit.
What the hell is going on?
I said "snow machine".
I don't even know...
What the hell is going on?
We're talking about the show.
Did you hear Danny say he doesn't want us talking about ratings on this stage?
Did you hear him?
Sim.
I got another call from Tom's parents.
When?
I had my cell on vibrate at the desk.
I just called them back.
They got a call from the parents of another guy in the unit.
They haven't gotten a check-in either.
-I have the worst feeling about this.
-Then keep it to yourself.
-No, we're telling him now.
-No, we're not.
-Simon...
-Nobody knows anything.
The unit's out, they're working.
They don't come home on the San Diego Freeway.
Yeah, they come home on roads with bombs.
What good would it do to tell him right now?
Maybe Tom's got a contact he can call who's got information.
If you think Tom's has a more advanced information- gathering-and-tracking system than the Air Force, be my guest.
-I think...
-In addition to whatever unnecessary fear you shoot into him, he'll also have the memory of walking through sketches like a zombie on national TV when he's heavy in the last two-thirds.
This is where we get in trouble.
You're talking about the ratings?
-I'm talking about...
-Are you kidding me?
If there's something they need to tell him, he'll be...
they'll tell him.
Okay.
And, yeah, I worry about my job.
I don't have a movie coming out at Christmas.
Two and a half back.
Everything's all right.
-Yo, Norma Rae?
-Me?
You told Karen Salisbirk a writers room's a tough place for a woman?
Her sketch had gotten cut, I was making her feel better.
They're gonna ask you when you were lying, then or now.
I wasn't lying either time.
I was making her feel better by telling the truth.
-A writers room's a tough place for a...
-Yes.
Why?
-Why?
-Yeah.
Because fundamentally, women are taught not to be funny.
-Because it's not attractive.
-It is to me.
Good for you.
It was attractive to Joe DiMaggio.
No it wasn't attractive to Joe DiMaggio, Matt.
What the hell is a snow machine?
-Ask Tom.
-Tom!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I just came here for a second.
They told me.
-It sounded like you needed to lie down or something.
-No, I'm fine.Go back downstairs.
-I got a minute.
-Go back downstairs.
I have a minute.
I've done this a couple of times before. "
I asked you not to open with the war"?
-What the hell was that?
-That?
Yeah.
It was a note.
From the president of the network.
I asked you not to open with the war.
The war's a bummer, huh?
It used to be money in the bank.
You're the one having this argument right now, not me.
I'm the one saying go produce your show.
I'm the one throwing my body in front of Jack.
-We've averaged a 5-7/19 over...
-Over five months.
Over two it's a 4-8 and the half-hours are simply unacceptable.
-Then we need to talk about this.
-We will.
I asked you not to open with the war.
And you know what else?
You knew you shouldn't have but you did it anyway.
You did it because I asked you not to.
That's just messed up.
And we're taking down a lot a good people with us.
Now get your ass back on the floor.
Back in 30.
30 seconds live.
Ladies and gentlemen,??
Gran Bel Fisher.
You got me in trouble with Matt.
Hi.
-I'm Harriet Hayes.
-I know.
I'm a big fan.
-I'm Mary Tate...
-I know.
You're one of them troublemakers.
I am, but I work for you.
Not for me.Nobody's suing me.
This band is great.
Did you want to talk to me?
I promised I wouldn't until after the show.
I'm done.
I've just got the good night.
-You sure?
-Yeah.
Thanks, 'cause they're waiting for me on the phone in New York.
This will just take a second.
You knew Karen Salisbirk?
Yeah, a very little.
-She wrote a sketch you were in?
-It got cut at dress.
And you told her that a writers room is a tough place for a woman?
She'd just got her sketch cut, I was making her feel better.
So you were lying to her?
Say "Yes, I was lying to her."
I'm...
lying is a big word for me.
There's no law against telling someone their hair looks great when you really think it doesn't.
-Good.
-There's, just a law against doing it under oath.
Is the writers room here a tough place for a woman?
-It was then.
-Yeah?
It's not now.
-You're not being sued for now.
-I'm not being sued at all.
They're gonna take your deposition, Harriet.
-Can I call you Harriet?
-Yeah.
They're gonna take your deposition, and I'll be honest, these aren't the world's greatest answers you're giving me.
How tough?
Mary, I am sure that Karen was fired because she wasn't writing good material.
You're not sure,and please don't make Matt's mistake and repeat that to anyone-- how tough?
Wes Mendell is a very good man.
I know.
How tough?
Ricky and Ronald ran a bad room.
You're talking about a pack mentality of guys age 25 to 33 who'd never been let into the pack.
Not a lot of comedy writers dated the prom queen.
These guys wrote to be mean.
All right.
We'll talk more after?
-Sure.The party's here on stage.
-Thanks.
Hey, why does Matt write?
I'm sorry?
You said the other guys were writing to be mean.
Why does Matt write?
Matt writes to get people to like him.
Yeah?
It's working on you, isn't it?
Two and a half back for "Thai Therapy" and good nights.??
It was a great show.
I didn't see you there.
It was a great show.
What are you doing?
It's for the party.
Free alterations are a great perk of this job.
-I'm showing you a little leg tonight.
-I'm all for that.
You were great tonight.
-No, I wasn't.
-Honey...
No, I don't know what the hell is going on here.
You're being too hard on yourself.
You know who isn't hard on themselves?
Amateurs.
-It was a good show.
-It wasn't the one we wanted.
You guys need to calm down.
You know who's calm?
-Amateurs?
-Yes.
And I like showing off for you, Lucy, it didn't happen tonight.
Yes, it did.
And if it wasn't the show you wanted then I'm partly to blame.
Yeah, but you've got the legs.
True.
-What are you doing?
-What?
-What are you doing?
-We're talking to each other.
About ratings?
What are you,the police tonight?
Simon, please,disabuse Tom of the idea that he wasn't good tonight.
-Can't do it.
-Simon...
-A snow machine?
-I know. "
Snowblower" is what's funny.
-I know that, too.
-Nice dress.
-Excuse me, eyes front.
-Thank you.
Let me talk to you a second.
I am crazy about her, man, I mean...
really.
I had a bad show, people are talking about us like we're dead, I feel really bad and I still feel great and it's 'cause of her.
Sim, let's just have a good time and relax at the party tonight, okay?
You and me, we've got to enjoy more moments in our lives.
I agree.
-What did you want to say to me?
-Full cast, this is the standby for good nights.
-Nothing.
-What?
I can't remember.
I'll remember later.Let's go.
Coming back in five, four, three...
A heavenly oriental odyssey awaits On Far East Airport Road.
Next to Stuckeys.
??
Because doesn't everyone deserve a happy ending?
That's our show everybody, you've been great.
Thank you to Gran Bel Fisher.
Thank you to the cast and crew.
Thanks Danny Tripp,Matt Albie.
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Good night.
Give 'em to me.
-What?
-Give 'em to me now.
-What are you talking...?
-Give me the pills.
-Danny...
-I'm a drug addict, Matt, and I have to be one for the rest of my life.
I will beat you to a bloody pulp before I let you...
-Where are the freakin' pills?!
-You might want to calm down.
Sure, maybe I will.
What are you taking,Matt, Percocet?
Vicodin?
Did you discover OxyContin?
I hope you're crushing 'em down, 'cause that's what defeats the time-release gets you high right away.
Look up hydrocodone, it takes about 200 hours to get addicted.
You think taking the pills messes you up?
That's nothing compared to not taking them once you get started.
If you're gonna do it,do it right.
Get an eight-ball, cook it up with some baking powder, let it cool into a rock and smoke it.
Where are they?
-What the hell are these?
-Flintstones Vitamins.
These are Flintstones Vitamins.
Yeah.
I like the Bam Bams.
-You got a problem with that?
-Suzanne said you were taking pills.
I was.
Till when?
About an hour ago.
What have you been taking?
Anything.
I've stopped now.
I'm not writing the show any better high than I was straight.
You were writing it worse.
I know that.
And you're done?
??
What are you doing?
Drinking orange juice.
Let's end the fight.
I'm sorry I told you to get your ass back on the stage.
I'm sorry that I said...
or did...
I can't think of anything I'm sorry I said or did.
-It's nice when we can meet halfway.
-You know...
There are times when I'm gonna have to talk to you like a show runner and there are times when you're going to have to talk to me like I'm the president of your network.
Give me notes.
The show's over, give me notes.
You're skewing urban, you need to increase red state appeal.
You're skewing older, you need to get 18 to 24 back.
and you need women.
So your note is "get more people to watch it."
-Yes.
-They pay you for that?
-Shove it up your ass.
-That's how you talk to the other show runners?
That's how I talk to you.Right now.
Why did you open with war?
It was in the news this week, it felt like a good cold open, sometimes we're wrong.
-I don't think we were tonight.
-When I see your press room set, I know what's coming, when I surf YouTube I don't.
Then surf YouTube.
What do you want from me?
-Excuse me,could I possibly get another orange juice?
-Sure.
In fact, if you've got a carton back there, -I'll take it.
-Sure.
-What's with orange juice?
-What do I want from you?
I want you to stop saying "What do you want from me?"
You had Samantha Li in a one-piece at the end of the show instead of the beginning.
-You did an entire News 60 segment...
-Stop.
Please.
We're losing viewers 'cause the show hasn't been good in a little while.
People aren't saying "Did you see S-60 on Friday?"
-Why?
-Time.
What do you mean?
Matt hasn't been able to start writing until Wednesday.
-Why?
-I'm working on it.
-Why?
-I'm working on it,Jordan.
-In the meantime...
-Ma'am.
Thank you.
In the meantime,please look at history, and see that this show's numbers have always gone up.
Seriously, are you gonna drink that whole carton?
Yeah.
Why?
I can't feel the baby kick.
What are you talking about?
I haven't felt her kick all day.
And if I drink orange juice, usually I can get her to...
-Come with me.
-What?
Come with me.
That's three hours from now, there's nothing preliminary?
I said "There's nothing preliminary?"
No early...
I'm just talking about the East Coast.
No, I guess I don't understand.
They can tell us who won an election in two and a half minutes, why can't Neilson tell us how many...
No, I'm not taking a tone of voice, I just...
Thank you.
Thank you.
Why aren't ratings instantaneous?
I know you know I told Danny.
I know you know I know.
You're gonna stop?
I already did.
-Really?
-Yeah.
And you're not mad at me?
I'm mad at me.
You're gonna crash now,you know?
-You're gonna feel terrible.
-That's what they tell me.
It's gonna be worse than they tell you.
Your body produces serotonin and endorphins and other things that allow the brain to experience pleasure and a sense of well being.
Yeah.
When you take those pills long enough, your body stops producing those things because something else already is.
I know.
It's gonna take a while for it to get back up to speed.
In a couple of hours, Miss America could stand in front of you naked and hand you a Pulitzer Prize and you'd be depressed about it.
Well, let's give it a try.
I'm not joking.
Herb.
I just looked at the tape.
I said "Studio City."
You did.
Why?
Just wasn't our night.
Go enjoy the party.
I know you're not joking.
And I appreciate it.
Let me know when you have the East Coast overnights.
I will.
Mary.
-Hi.
-How are you?
Fine, thanks.
You know I talked to Harriet before.
It was during the show, but it wasn't my fault,she started it.
-Anyway, she said...
-Yes.
I'm sorry?
Yes, I'd like you to be my date for the party tonight.
Unless you'd like to leave the party and go have dinner with me.
-When did this happen?
-Right now.
It's happening in real time.
Nah. "
Nah"?
-You're still in love with Harriet Hayes.
-Mary...
I've taken 9,000 pages of statements.
You don't have to be a lawyer, -you just have to be a woman...
-I'm starting over,I'm moving on.
I have to.
It's that or the Betty Ford Center.
So what do you say?
-I've heard more romantic reasons...
-Mensa lady, I'm asking you out to dinner.
You got anything better to do?
-Again, your poetry is working its magic...
-Come on.
I've gotta makethe cal??
When I'm done...
-yeah, take me out.
-Great.
I know why you're doing this and it's okay with me 'cause pretty soon you're gonna find out I'm hot stuff.
I already think you're hot stuff.
Oh, well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Why didn't you tell me before?
I didn't know when to make a big deal of it and you were doing a show.
-I was doing a show?
That's...
-What are you looking for?
We do about a hundred different doctor sketches, there's gotta be-- here!
-You gotta be kidding me.
-I'm gonna listen for a heartbeat.
Now I've pretty much touched the bottom of the health care industry.
I can hear a heartbeat.
How do you know that's not my heartbeat?
That's a good point.
-I'm gonna take you to the emergency room.
-I'm not going to the emergency room.
-Yeah, you are.
-No, they're gonna think I'm crazy.
How 'bout if I give you a head wound, they can check on that while we're...
Here.
Let's go.
I need to talk to both of you.
We can't talk about ratings right now.
This isn't about ratings.
There's breaking news and we're going on with it in about three minutes.
Simon.
-Hey.
-Where's Tom?
Relang.
Celebrating.
'Cause lately...
Where is he?
-What happened?
-Do you know where he is?
What happened?
Three American soldiers were ambushed in their truck on a road in Paktika, Afghanistan.
-One of them is Mark Jeter.
-Oh...
-Al-Jazeera...
-Is he dead?
He's a hostage.
-There's some pretty graphic video of...
-He's up on the roof.
You know Neilson finally decided to put boxes in college dorms.
You know how many?
135.
135 college students are pretty heavily involved with our career right this minute.
But I'm happy anyway.
Because of my legs.
I was gonna say something nicer, but, yeah, your legs.
And can I just add that "snowblower" isn't a hard word to say.
I've said it many times without any sort of problem.
Snowblower.
I just said it right there, snowblower.??
Tom, we have a car that's going to take you to our newsroom where...
Tom!
That's him.
In the middle.
They said their names.
It doesn't look like him.
He was beaten up.
There could be another Mark Jeter.
Staff Sergeant, First Expeditionary Red Horse Squadron out of Bagram.
These things turn out okay.
They've said...
Tom!
Tom!
Tommy...
Oh, my God.
We're taking you to the L.A.
bureau.
You're gonna know everything the moment network news does.
A plane is picking your parents up right now.
Where would you like it to take them, here or New York?
Here, please.
Let's go.
God, the guy's holding an axe.
-??
Billie...
have you had anything to drink at the party yet?
No.
Drive Jordan to ??Cedars-Sinai emergency room, she'll tell you why on the way.
-?�� -Just go.
-You call me as soon you get there.
-You call me if you hear anything.
Yeah, yeah.
Go.
What do you want to do now?
Stay right here.