Émission TV: Shameless - 9x10

Anyone watching,
thinking we know fuck all

about knowing fuck all about owt
needs to watch their backs...

So you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky-high!

Literally, literally taking
the grass from its own roots!

And now you've got
your ConDemNation!

Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national
fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it
never?
Anybody watching

needs to know we cope better than
average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land
in ancient times -

yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-
yak-yak-yak-yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now!

Party!

Party!
Party!

This programme contains strong
language and scenes of a sexual
nature from the outset.

The way I see it, all living
creatures have three basic needs -

eat...

defecate...

MOANING

MOANING
..
fornicate.

Beyond that - it's all about wants.

Money...
health...

belief in a higher power,
of whatever stripe.

Not me.
I'm content.

I'm the centre of my universe,

because I'm worth it.

Yeah, right!

Therefore, all I want in life is
recognition for a job well done.

CHEERING

You're going to get caught.

You're going to get caught.
CHEERING STOPS

You're going to lose everything.

What?

THEY CHATTER

I've got a win!
Oi, I've won a pound.

You're a fucking one-woman case
for euthanasia you, aren't you?

Here, let's have a look.

Oh, well...
Well, here y'are,
look, I tell you what.

Just to save you time...
I'll give
you a quid, y'know, a pound.

Pack it in!

Pack it in!
Oh?

You've won a tenner, Lillian.

Look at you -
lucky white heather.

Fuck me - you don't know
you're living, eh?

What you on about?

A terrace on Gibson Street

collapsed straight down
into a big hole in the ground.

And two buildings either side barely
touched.
Mine shafts or something.

All of fucking Manchester's
on tunnels.
I'm surprised
the city hasn't collapsed.

I'd love to see the theatre
of shite collapse!
Boom!

Wouldn't we all?

Wouldn't we all?
Bye-bye, United!

It's unlikely, admirable
though the thought is.

Salford teeters atop coal seams,
but Satan himself protects Trafford.

Plenty of time to pick up
trivia on the dole, have you?

As a matter of fact, it was my first
job after school, smart arse.

As a matter of fact, it was my first
job after school, smart arse.
Job?

You had a job?

You had a job?
Wading through shit underground,

shoring up dilapidated
Victorian sewers,

so the fucking Cabinet War Rooms
didn't collapse.

We went to them on a school trip.

We went to them on a school trip.
Yeah, it was Winnie's hideaway,

in the Second City, in case
the Nazis flattened Westminster.

Second city, my arse!

Second city, my arse!
Get over it.

You know who owns the War Rooms now
and the whole block above?

That fucking nonce who runs
the Great Northern Lottery.

Go away!

Go away!
Fuck off!

Go away!
Fuck off!
Seriously?

The one who owns
all the late-night porn?

The one who owns
all the late-night porn?
I applied to be one
of the girls on the beds.

You know, �1.50 a minute for some
verbal filth and a bit of camel-toe.

Your mother would be proud

Uses them as his print-works now -
Lottery HQ.

Don't mess about up that way.
>

One-Eyed Gary tried
to knock that place off

and they gave him six months
in traction, and 27 years.

Fucking disgusting -
a hallowed room,

where Churchill might have
retreated to govern.

But he never did.

But he never did.
Well, he might've done,

if the Germans
hadn't been so...
rubbish.

Now it's host to
the Tax on the Poor -

Weekly Draws, Lucky Dips and
Scratch Cards.
Fucking 'ell!

What d'you think One-Eyed Gary'd
have got away with if he'd got away?

Well, say he took two rucksacks in,

a box of cards measures about 12
by 5.
Probably eight boxes in a bag.

1,000 tickets in each box,
that's 16,000 tickets.

One in ten of those are winners,
so that's 1,600 winners.

Anything over 200 needs a name
and address, so it's a no.

Say nine in ten are under 200,
your average will be, what, 20 quid?

So 20 times 1,400...

About 28 grand.
Give or take.

Aw, bless.

FRUIT MACHINE JINGLE PLAYS,
COINS RATTLE

Where the fuck'd you get these?

Council archive for those two.
straight off the internet.

And this from the library.

Didn't know you had a library card.

Didn't know you had a library card.
Fuck off!
I robbed it!

You don't steal from libraries.
It's unethical.

So what are we looking at here,
then?

Here, right, we've got, er...

Haven't a fucking clue, mate.
We're going to need some help.

Ventilation shaft,
leading from the War Rooms,

back along this way
to the Pump Room.
Oh, yes.

Clean water for the dignitaries
and selected toffs,

in case of an air raid, while
the plebs fry to death up top.

Focus, Frank!

All right, well, the Pump Room can
be accessed via the sewer tunnels,

serviced by maintenance shafts

here, here...

Where does this one come out?

That one is, er...

What's that street there?
Oh, yeah,

that's the car park in
what is now Perseverance Way.

We need a body up top.

Right, surveillance.
Observation,
details, time, movement.

What security they've got,
how many shifts, when they change,

cameras - where are they?
- their
coverage, blind-spots, alarm system.

We need to know every cough, spit
and fart of the place or we don't go.

Then we go in through shaft
47/B off Perseverance Way.

Two-man advance, down 80 feet -

harnessed to each other and
the ladder, taking no chances -

to the north by north east tunnel
into the Pump Room, into the vent,

then straight, right, then
straight again for 140 yards

and into the secure room.

We take only what we can carry,
no more than 11 rolls a man.

Greed is not good
in this scenario.

Two journeys, taking no longer
than four hours,

clearing the site with 15 minutes
before the change of shift.

It'll be two weeks before
they realise the cards are gone.

CHEERING

CHEERING FADES

Hold on, hold on.
How do you spell surveillance?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Boy scouts' day out, is it?

Something like that.

And you wouldn't be straying on
the wrong side of the law, would you?

Nah.

I'm making sandwiches...

..
for the church social.

Fair enough.

Oh, it's dangerous.

That's why I can't tell you.

Your shout.

It'll probably make a packet,
though, you know, if it comes off.

Really?

Mmm.

You've been watching Deja vu, Andre.

Stop sticking your tits out.

Stop sticking your tits out.
I'm not.

You fucking are
and it looks stupid.

If you didn't keep all the good lines
to yourself, I wouldn't have to!

Well, I have the best voice.

I've got better tits than you, and
I've got a better voice than you.

I'm going for a fag.

All right, Mr Powell.

"I just want to be famous!"
"I've got so much to offer!"

I think they're quite talented.

You see Deja Vu, Andre
selling millions?

It's not about selling records
these days, Grandma.

Shift your head!
It's about
uploads and downloads,

number of hits, comments,
feedback, going viral.

Deja Vu, Andre?
Do they think
they even know what that means?

They think it's sophisticated.

Where you off to?

Where you off to?
Work.

Where you off to?
Work.
Is that it?

The less I tell you,
the better, you know that.

You can't be charged as an
accomplice and at least Connor has

one parent guaranteed not inside.
Don't ask me about my work, Karen.

Is that that all I'm getting?

What are you digging around for?
Don't you trust me?

Think I'm cheating on you,
fucking around?

I'd have a better excuse than
this if I was.
But I'm not...

I meant, is that all
I'm getting - no kiss?

Sorry.

I'm just distracted, that's all.

Fuck it!
I've done my bit!
There's
no point, I'll only slow you down!

You've been down there,
you know what it's like.

35 years ago.
How's that going to be of any use?

I can barely remember this morning,
let alone 25 years ago.

I can barely remember this morning,
let alone 25 years ago.
You said 35.

See?
Point proven!

See?
Point proven!
Oh, shut the fuck up, Frank,
and stop whining like a woman!

See?
Point proven!
Oh, shut the fuck up, Frank,
and stop whining like a woman!
Who's like a woman?

What you doing here?

I'm coming with you -
the Five Musketeers.

Her share comes out your cut,
you stupid little fuck.

Says who?
Who the fuck
put you in charge?

I did - someone has to lead,
and I'm senior.

Ah, like fuck!

Ah, like fuck!
All right, fine!
Let's put it
to the vote, shall we?

Hands up who wants to follow Shane?

Put your fucking hand down!
Right.
We've got a schedule to follow.

What?

Right, well,
very best of luck to you all.

Don't worry,
I am the soul of discretion.

Hey...
I don't think so, Frank.

Oh, f...!

Sorry, Frank, we need you down here,

or it's the blind leading the blind.

How the fuck?!
I don't want to go.

I don't want to?!
Man, that is such a shit excuse.

Well, I don't - I am not going.

It's up to you.

Think of the karma!

Are you coming?

No.

You fucking monster!

I think I heard a tiny cry, Frank.

Ah, I don't know.
Maybe it made it.

Ah, I don't know.
Maybe it made it.
You think so?

Right, hang on, mate!
I'm coming.

There you go.

Right, you.

Stay sharp, yeah?

Stink!

Tell me that smell ain't your arse.

You said
there'd be a fucking ladder!

Don't talk to me, you murderer.

Yeah?
Don't you forget that, Frank.

Why are you so scared, anyway?

Why are you so scared, anyway?
I'm not scared.
I'm exercising
choice - or trying to.

I think this is a buzz!

Yes, well, you're a Jock.
Being in a sewer's
a step up in the world for you.

Funny Ooh!

Ah!
Careful!

Bastard!

Will you lot stop fucking jabbering,
and concentrate!

Cos if one of you lot falls,
you'll bring me down with you -

and I won't be happy, trust me.

Oooh!

SHOUTING AND ARGUING CONTINUES

Fuck off!

Terry...
Terry?
Terry!

I fucking can't...
Watch
where you're standing, watch it!

Oh, for fuck's sake, Frank!

Look, here he is -

he seems fine.

Oh!

Bastard.

Right, we'll be out of here in a few
hours.
Speaking of which, hurry up.

Yeah, well, my work here is done.

Do I have to fucking hit you?
This way.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

Oh, fucking hell, no.

Fuck it.

Wooh!
It's hot in here.

There you have it.
Your vents.

Fucking look at you -
this is gluttony.
It's all
"grab, grab, grab, me, me, me. "

Everybody wants.
Give us another one.

It's not fucking right.

Fuck me!

Fuck me!
In your dreams.

Careful.

CLATTER!

Right...
Ruby?

Whoa, whoa, whoa - what's this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa - what's this?
She wants to be a team player -
now she's a team player.

In there?

In there?
I'm game.

To get the vent off
the other end, yeah?

To get the vent off
the other end, yeah?
Excellent.

You OK?

You OK?
Damn fucking right.
Let's do this.

'You have been watching
"Deja Vu Andre".
'

The Fall, the Mondays,

Stone Roses, and now Deja Vu Andre -

it's Manchester's next gift
to the world.

I've seen worse on TV
on a Saturday night.

She's not doing her schoolwork
because she's concentrating
on her music!

How big do you feel, right now?

I was just being realistic.

Or cynical.
They're showing initiative,
trying to better themselves.

They'll be wanting boob jobs
and to be in magazines -

that's not the work ethic
I'd hoped for.

I believe in them.

Oh, come on!

Shane, I can actually feel you
staring at my arse.

I'm not!

There's ghosts down here, you know.

Fucking hell!
Wise up, Frank, you dick!

(Listen, I'm telling you, I can feel
another presence down here.

It's just us, Frank - no-one else.

Why do you keep saying me name?

I don't keep saying "Jamie", Jamie.

Why do you keep saying "Frank"?

Will you fucking relax?!

Oh!
Is it because
I'm going to be the first to die?

What?!

Well, that's what you keep saying,
"Frank this, Frank that. "

Gives me identity, buttering me up
before I die a horrible death.

Stop being such a drama queen!

This place gives me the creeps
as it is.

Will you please just...

You all right?

You all right?
Aaaargh!

I don't know.
Who gives a fuck?!
Maybe Jamie saw a spider or summat.

Keep moving.

Go!

What you doing?!

You're supposed to be up there!

It's gone dark.
No-one's about.

Thought I'd check everything was all
right.
It's fucking sick in here!

Does no-one listen
to a fucking word I say?!

Hey, you're a bit jumpy
for the leader of the pack.

A bit...
screamy.

I don't like dark, wet holes.

It's not a crime.

There's almost too many retorts
I could make.

Someone's here!

Someone's here!
What are you on about?!

There's a fucking bed!

It'll be here
for the heat off the pipes.

Probably some lazy bastard workman
from years ago.

Probably him.

You have to listen to them.
They're not half bad.

That's not the point!
The point is, we have no control,
and she's exposed.

Exposed to what - the real world?
>

I think you'll find
my family owns this fucking pub -
put it on the tab!

But I thought...

But I thought...
You're not paid to think!
Leave the thinking to me.

You either shut up or you get out.

Fuck off, bitch!

Hope you've not come in here
for a ruck.

No, why would I do that?

Everyone's kicking off tonight.
Must be something in the air.

Everyone's kicking off tonight.
Must be something in the air.
No.
I'm not here for a ruck.

It's been ages since
I had a good ruck - or a bad one!

White wine!

DISTANT ARGUING

Shhhh!

CLATTER!

Will you shut the fuck up!

Hey, shut the fuck up!

Hey, shut the fuck up!
Sssh!

You just said it!

But I didn't mean for you to shout!

Make your fucking mind up!

KEYS JINGLE

ZI-I-I-P!

Why are they taking so long?

ZI-I-IP!

DOOR CLOSES

Fuck me.
Fair bit of salty yoghurt
got slung then, didn't it?

Are you sniffing me?

Oh, yeah,
I'm a regular little arse sniffer.

What took you so long?!

What took you so long?!
A security guard came.

Did he see you?

No.
Well, I fucking hope not.

What you doing?

You can't go back - we've only got
45 minutes till the shift change.

You can't go back - we've only got
45 minutes till the shift change.
We can make it.

All right - strictly 30 minutes,
yeah?

You first this time.
I'll ogle your arse.

Oh!
Look at this!
Ancient porn!

Oh, fuck me!

Circle of life.

Circle of life.
Huh?

Circle of life.
Huh?
Shine your...
bell-end on that.

If I'm not mistaken...
there's a young lady in here

with an overly developed affection
for vegetables.

How would you know?

How do you think it got here?

Yeah.
35 years ago,
I was a horny little devil,

not unlike yourself -
bigger penis, obviously.

Oh, there you are!
Trudy from Wigan.

The whole cucumber?!

Yeah.

There's a pineapple
on the next page -

and not the tinned kind neither.
Go on, knock yourself out.

Frank!

Frank!
We're all supposed to be in this
together!

Holding a fucking gun to my head?!
I told you I didn't want to come.

Fuck!
Fuck!
You nearly killed us!

Oh, well...
On your own head be it.

Get down!

Get down!
Or mine...!
Shit!

LOUD RUMBLING

Turn back!

Turn back!
Get back!

Frank!

COUGHING

What happened?

What the fuck do you think's
happened?
Cover your mouth.

COUGHING CONTINUES

Oh!

Fuck!

Let me clear this stuff away,
we should find a way through.

Give it here.

COUGHING

BUILDING COLLAPSES

SCREAMS

Are you all right?

I can't move my legs!

Hold onto me.
Get a move on!

Fucking hell!
We're going to bring
the whole thing down.

There's got to be another way out.

COUGHING

Fucking hell!

What the fuck's happened?

Frank's tried to do a runner and
brought down a couple of supports.

The whole shaft's collapsed.

Well, we aren't getting out
that way.

What the fuck happened to Frank?

He's faking it.

Jamie, he looks dead.

CHOKING AND GASPING

CHOKING AND GASPING
MOBILE BLEEPS

What the fuck?

Told you.

I was NOT faking it!

Any joy?

Any joy?
There's nothing.

Any joy?
There's nothing.
Me neither.

Nor me.

You know I don't believe in
mobile phones, fucking cancer.

What are you doing?

Listening out for the emergency
services, it's been ages.

They should be onto us by now.

Certainly hope not.

We're breaking the law, son.
The Filth catch us down here

it won't be soup and blankets,

it'll be a long stretch
in Strangeways.
For me anyway!

So, what is the exit strategy then,
dear leader?

Me?

Yeah.
You're the one
that dangled the carrot

for the greedy few.

You used the stick on me.
This is on you, all of it.

Built to last, these places.

So...
what are we facing here?

Mimi sent me, I'm supposed
to help Jamie out.

Help Jamie do what?

Never ask a man about
his business, Karen.

Well, if I meet a man,
I'll bear that in mind.

Help Jamie do what?

Help Jamie do what?
It's collection day.

Jamie's not here.

Well, can I have the books,
then?
Mimi'll want...

I will do it.

I will do it.
Fuck off.

You're his grandmother!

And you're his mother, you should
be looking after him yourself.

Erm, I've got business.

Oh yeah, so you have,
gonna go all gangster,

but the child-care arrangements
didn't suit.

Oh listen to you, "child-care",
have you learnt a new language.

Fine.
I'll ask somebody else.

See you later, love.

Unbelievable!

It's not a lot of food.

It's not a lot of food.
Should've brung more, just in case.

That would've required
planning, forethought.

No-one can hear you
scream down here, you know.

I didn't want to be here,
I was Fritzl-ed!

Who brings rubbers to a robbery?

It's not me,
I always go bareback.