Émission TV: Shameless - 5x12
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Expressl Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wickedl Piss offl What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included - is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head, but...you pay the taxes.
CHEERlNG lmagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Ehl Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs nowl Make poverty historyl Cheaper drugs nowl CHUCKLES Scatterl Partyl Thank you.
< lt's comingl lt's comingl The babyl Right, you all know what you're doing, yeah?
Where you going?
Pub.
Fetch me dad.
He's in.
l'm calling about Monica Gallagher.
(Carl) 'Some people can't do commitment.
' lanl Carll 'They're scared of making bad calls.
Fucking things up.
Feeling useless.
' 'So they never make decisions 'and they never find out what might have been.
' Shite-arsel Mum's in labour, movel Yeah, right.
Final prediction?
l honestly don't mind, so long as she's healthy.
Ohl lan's filming, bag's packed.
But where's Lanky?
Er, well, just thrilled to be here, really, support the wife.
The miracle of birth.
A gamut of emotions, really.
Come on.
> (Monica) Ahl These for Nana?
Are you looking forward to meeting your auntie?
Where's the lift?
Who's doing the transport?
Carl is.
This is rubbishl Can't have Mum waiting aroundl Carll He said he were getting up.
What?
l'll call Speedy Cabs.
No.
Forget it.
Everyone stop what they're doing.
Carl let us down.
Drill's over.
A drill?
Debbiel You made me call the clinic for nothing?
Tell us you're jokingl Just as well it was a dry runl Shall we do a debrief?
You were in on this, eh?
Like l had a choice.
False alarm.
Oh, yeah, well.
OK, as l'm up...
Can't afford to carry passengers.
For fuck's sake, Mum wasn't in labour.
You weren't to know thatl Don't you think it's a bit soon to be running drills?
No.
Mum always drops early.
lan started the trend of premature birth.
The ensuing children came even earlier, so by my calculations, Mrs Gallagher could give birth...
tomorrow.
All this excitement, eh, baby?
lf you're coming any day now, l'd better go and lie down upstairs.
Conserve our energy.
Nice one, Debbiel Now she's having kittens as well.
Shut up.
Stan, it's cash and carry day.
l've got to leave in five minutes.
Always rushing me, aren't you?
Except when it's treats time.
Just because l let you stay here three times a week don't mean you can move in.
What?
Next thing, you'll be proposingl You can get that right out of your head.
lt's just a spare pair of undies.
Just don't, all right?
l'm too angry.
Yeah, Mum.
Chesneyl What are you doing here?l lt's five to nine.
About school...
l don't want to talk about school.
Just go to it.
lt's just Mrs Kay in RE.
l know.
You're Muslim, so why learn about other religions?
Because RE is the difference between ten GCSEs and nine and you promised me double figures, so just do onel ls nobody going to school today?
l'm on free periods till lunch and then l'm on at t'shop.
l told you that yesterday.
> Don't think you're getting out of working tomorrow night.
l know your game.
l know what you're all thinking before you've even thought it.
These mean nothing.
l put them in your drawer for convenience, that's all.
No hidden agenda.
You could have asked.
What's so bad about us shacking up together, anyway?
l'm here half the week.
That's differentl How is it?
And what's wrong with us moving things on a bit, thinking long term?
Stan, we're not having this conversation.
Do think we should?
Nol Not nowl Why not?
Because l'm late.
Don't push me.
Or what?
Oh, right.
l see.
Yeah, great.
Good to know, Yvonne.
Good to know.
l'll speak to you later, OK?
Yeah.
l can't believe you volunteered us for cycling proficiency lessons.
Opportunity to nick some bike thieves, Tom.
Ultraviolet light, serial codes for bikes.
That's why they made me a sergeant.
All right, there, Stanley?
Loved up to limbo in two minutes, for pants.
You left those?
Not your special boxers?
They were the first pair l could find, so shows you how trivial l think it all is.
Guys, are you still looking for a lodger?
Us?
No.
No room at our inn.
Don't know where you got that from.
Canteen Val.
Said that Stan's moving in with his missus.
God, l'm not moving in with Yvonnel How many times?
What?
Carl, come on, you can't stay in bed all day.
l've left school, l'll do what l want.
Not with another mouth to feed.
You know the score, everybody mucks in.
Carll Piss offl l am trying to get more than just the odd shift at the shop.
Full-time kitchen assistant at a city centre hotel?
That's all right.
l filled out 12 of them last week.
Not one interview.
lt's a waste of time.
What if this is the one that gets you the interview?
lt's fuck all use unless you hand it in, mate.
Watch.
l'll get my hopes up on the bus to town and l get knocked back.
Again.
Haven't even got me fucking fare.
How much short are you?
Forget it.
l'll get it out the surfboard fund.
lt's what it's for these days.
Where's my bottle?
��1 .32.
l really thought there'd be more.
Kids.
No head for saving these days.
How many cans?
One, but l'm not taking that.
What?l l know for a fact your mum loves change.
Shitl Such a waste, man.
Hands upl Get your hands upl Oh, shitl Shitting helll Don't talk to me and don't touch owt.
Just do what l tell youl Freezel l said freezel l'm froze.
Sleeping lions.
Anybody else?
No.
Just take whatever and go.
< Meena, why is this door locked?
Who's that?
My mum.
< Come on, open the door.
What are you doing?
Let her in.
No nonsense.
< Unlock this door nowl ls this what happens the second l set foot out the place?
Shut itl Ohl Do exactly what l tell you and nobody gets hurt.
What the hell are you doing?
l'm just getting me hospital bag ready.
How long do you think you're going for?
What's with the bikini?
Well, in case l want a water birth.
lt's not what you think.
That's my room.
l'll decide when l'm going.
Not you and Canteen Val.
She's always asking after you.
l just said we hadn't seen much of you.
Well, she's not the only one.
This is doing my head inl (Tom) The plan was to discreetly put the feelers out - test the market - not drop us in it.
(Stan) Yvonne?
l didn't know Val was gonna put it round the entire nick.
She's the biggest gobshite of them alll l thought she was a sweet old dinner lady.
Yvonnel Open the doorl > A good sarge knows her staff.
l can tell you the names of everyone who works at our nick.
Fine.
But do you know them?
A good sarge would.
Yvonnel > Open the doorl Copper.
l know you're there.
l can see you.
l'm not going anywhere until we sort out this stupid pants nonsensel Stanl l'll talk to you later, yeah?
Nol l'm here.
Talk to me now.
She's not letting him in.
Let me in.
> He is not happy.
l'd get in the back if l were you.
Keep your head down.
Grow up, Tom.
Let me in or l'll break this door down.
Shitl BANGlNG ON DOOR Yvonne.
ls everything OK in there?
Yvonne, what's going on?
(A fucking stick-up bloke with a bloody big gun.) Stand back - l'll kick it inl Piss offl l'm nearly there.
Get away from the doorl Get backl Don't shoot, l'm unarmed.
What's that in your hand?
Nothing.
Hands where l can see theml < Why don't you lower the weapon?
l just want everyone to go out of here...
Shut upl You're not calling the shots here - l aml Get over there and get down.
Youl Anyone tries anything and l start throwing bodies outl OK.
Now empty the safe.
What?
You've got a shop.
You've got a safe.
Move.
Just do as he says.
There's nothing in it.
l had to dip into it for the mortgage.
Whateverl Come on.
Fine.
But you're wasting your time.
l'm not a fucking idiot, yeah?
Now let's do this.
What now?
lt's on a timer.
Once l put the code in, it takes half an hour.
There's nothing to be gained from stalling him.
l'm not stalling.
lt's on a timer.
The back door's sealed to deter robbers.
l'm here.
This is happening.
Open it.
You're just going to have to sit tight.
Chesneyl What are you doing?
Nothing.
Who's he?
Robin Hoodie.
How many people?l Were you wanking?
Fuck offl l was in a study forum.
Forum?
You should be at school doing RE, where you're safe.
Skiving while l'm at Costcol Come on.
Not now.
Don't ''come on'' me.
This is my family.
Keep your nose out.
OK, enoughl Enter the code.
BEEPlNG lt's you saying that the baby's coming.
> l'm sure this is all just normal.
Last-minute nerves.
lt's not that.
There.
You're meant to breast-feed these days, and...
well, me milk hasn't come.
You don't need to breast-feed.
l bet all the women that write this are them militant lactators that have teenagers hanging off theirs.
Hmm.
You give us a bottle, didn't you?
l had to, because after l fed Fiona, these dropped a whole two inches.
They used to be right up there.
Did formula do us any harm?
lt's not the same as giving your baby the boob.
l want it to be natural.
l want it to be perfect.
l can't bear to be a crap mum again.
You won't be.
l won't let you.
Stop worryingl Yeah.
Thanks, love.
Oil Just until you settle down.
Oh, hiya.
No, it's locked.
l couldn't get in...
< Won't be a minutel Police business.
RADlO CRACKLES He's turned his radio off.
Kerry from community support.
l'm not playing your stupid game, Tom, save your breath.
Fine, only...
Look, l've passed my exam, l've got my stripes.
l've shown what it really takes to be a sergeant.
Fine, if that's all you want to be - a sergeant - not a good sarge.
He's got ten minutes and then l'm dragging him out of there.
(Robber) What is this, man?
There's a fucking cop car outside nowl lt's my colleagues.
Probably waiting for me to sort stuff with Yvonne.
How am l supposed to get out now, eh?
Duhl Something you should have thought about earlier, maybe.
Do you know him?
Shut upl Fucking talk to him like you did.
l know his voice from somewhere.
Do l know you?
Chesney, sit down for us, pal.
What?
He's not gonna shoot me.
He's bricking it.
Hand's shaking.
Listen to the Fed, brother.
l'm not your brother.
Are you a Musi?
How do we know each other?
Fellas, let's keep our heads, eh?
Chesney, back off.
How did you know about the safe?
Eh?
You've got a shop, you've got a safel No, the only people who know about it are here.
You're too clued up.
You rob me the one morning l'm not here.
How did you know that?
Please don't tell me this is what l think it is - an inside job.
Whose idea were it?
Well?
You said this was going to be easyl Put on a show for the cameras - in and out, no distractions.
Fucking hell's bells, Stanl l thought my lot were wrong 'uns.
l knew it.
Asif Khan, evil, money-lending haramil Easy, Chesney, he's still carrying.
This wasn't meant to happen.
20 applicants to clean dishes and they tell me, ''Lack of experience''.
l'm unemployable.
l can't make owt, fix owt.
l wouldn't even give me a job.
Dear, oh, dear, dry your eyes.
There's a place in the workforce for everybody, and even coconuts like you.
ln't that right, Nicky?
Yeah.
You're not using your bread box.
You tell us what you're after and we'll come up with the perfect job for you.
l want something people are impressed by.
l want them to look at me and say, ''There's Carl Gallagher, the...'' Lumberjack.
And it needs to be around girls.
So you want a job that gets you laid, doesn't require you to think.
l suppose.
And if l could travel, great.
See the world and that.
Uniform?
Ladies love a man in uniform.
As long as l don't look like a dick.
(All) Holiday repl GlRLS LAUGH Hello, sailor.
Anyone for tennis?
Clear off taking the pissl No, it was inspired, that.
l'll show yous.
l'm going to do something that gets me respect.
l want what l'm owed.
How much?
Two.
Grand?
What the fuck do you need that for?
What's it got to do with you?
lt's my mum you're robbingl Don't get holier than thou with me.
Doing study forums in her shop(l) Stop itl What have l done to deserve this?
What's happened to my kids?
What did you need the loan for, Meena?
Pay off a bar bill?
Buy more party dresses?
No.
l paid a photographer to take shots of me.
l want to be a model.
You?l lf you have been flashing your fanny for some dirty old perv...
l'm trying to tell you.
Why do you always think you know it all?
Cos when it comes to you, l do.
Didn't know l were going to do thisl l got behind with the repayments.
So you decided to rob mel You never listen.
You assume everything.
So now l'm to blame for all this.
l screwed up.
But everything l've said is true, Muml Chesney will back me up.
He tried telling you why he didn't want to go to school today.
No, he didn't.
l did, actually.
Twicel l'm the same, Yvonne.
< Selective hearing.
To be fair, you kids do talk a lot of bollocks.
Shut up, Frankl So, you're with them.
My son's bunking off.
My daughter's trying to hustle me.
My boyfriend thinks l'm a bitch.
lt's all my fault, then.
Greatl Could you run us to Bettabuys?
No, get a busl Oh, thanksl Half an hourl He's just hiding to get out of cycling proficiency.
Carriel They could be making up.
Do you really want to interrupt that?
OK, PC O'Leary, would you say that a good sarge distinguishes herself by making big calls under pressure?
l would.
Well, we need to educate the next generation of Chatsworth cyclists.
Let's go.
Lover-boy can explain his absence to the inspector.
< Lying bitchl < What the hell is this?
You said that safe was full of money.
Asif, let go.
Come onl Scaring her won't bring the money back.
l said there was nothing in it.
l thought you were having me on.
Fucking helll What now, eh?
How am l going to get my cash?
They've got a massive telly...
How am l going to get out of here without getting arrested?
We'll give you the CCTV tape.
What?l Look, that tape is the only proof that you were here.
We'll give it you and then go.
Oh, so what about your mates, eh?
What about them?
They only respond to crimes and you were here shopping, right?
l'll pay you the money.
No, wait, it's not your debt.
He's a thieving scumbagl You, shut itl He sorts people out.
He's the one everybody goes to when nobody else will help.
He's been there for plenty of families here.
Besides, what have l told you about borrowing money?
Pay it back before interest is due.
l'll get you the rest.
How do l know you won't cry off?
Send bobbies round to my house?
She knows you'd give up Meena as an accessory.
You've got to trust each other.
We all have to make out like this didn't happen.
Er...excuse me, shopkeeperl ln return for my silence...
Hey, Yvonne...
Don't push your luckl Give me the gun.
l can't.
lt's my cousin's.
l'm not having some bloke walking through Chatsworth with thatl ..Drown my sorrows and l-l-l Had a feeling that l belong l-l-l Had a feeling l could be someone...
Hear you're about to drop, girll Leftovers from when our Mandy had Katie.
Clogging up my cupboards.
Right, tal Fucking decent stuff, thisl Breast pump.
Nipple pads to soak up your leakage.
Here, has your milk come in yet?
No.
Really?
ln that case, hit a truck the other day.
Red Cross.
Shit loads of baby formula.
You can have it.
ln case your baby doesn't lock on.
See ya.
All right, Mon?
No.
lt's all this ''baby this'', ''baby that''.
Just chill, eh?
lt's not good for you or the baby.
Got to calm down.
Think about what's best for you both, eh?
What's best for us.
Get her outl She wants it.
l want it.
Just do it before l go madl Nice cup of tea, two sugars.
You're making us go to school?
After we've been held hostage?
Normal service resumes.
Plus, l want you back here by tea-time.
We've got stuff to sort out.
Go onl Close for the day, eh, Yvonne?
Nol l'm OK.
About this morning...
l'm sorry.
l guess l'm just not great at change.
Don't beat yourself up, love.
Coming from a big family of hard bastards, the soft didn't survive.
When l thought l'd found the man who was going to make me happy, he just turned out to be a big-spending poof.
There isn't that much to smile about.
l make you smile, don't l?
l definitely made you smile at least twice.
Hey, hat-trickl Yvonne, l want to make you happy.
Oh, Stan...
What?
Come on, we had a row.
Big deall This works.
lt'd be crazy to give this up.
And you know, if you want to face facts, neither of us is getting any younger.
Stan, l don't want this conversation.
Why not?
l'm not your folks, l'm not Kash.
l'm a good bloke and sod itl l love you.
l wasn't planning on moving in with you just yet.
That's not what these pants are about.
But it's what l want down the line.
l want us to be together.
l wanna be part of your family.
Stan, stopl Marry me, lovel Nol You don't get it, do you?
Yvonne Karib, will you marry me?l l can't.
Stanl Are you all right?
lt's OK.
Talk to me.
lt's fine.
Oh, Stanl Thank God for bullet-proof vestsl Stanl lt's me boyfriend, he's been shotl He's a copperl Please hurry.
Between the shoulder and...
Oh, Causeway Parade, Chatsworth.
Please hurry, there's blood everywherel What can l do?
(Right...) lt's all right, the ambulance is coming.
lt's gonna be OK.
Press there for me.
Please, hurry upl He's not good.
ELECTRlCAL CRACKLlNG (Tom) Oi, youl With both hands, pleasel Shut upl You're not even from Manchesterl BELL RlNGS Jesusl WHlSTLE SHRlLLS Right, slow downl Right, everyone, stopl Hit the brakesl What did l tell you to do when l blew this?
(RADlO) 'Reports of a gunshot...
' WHlSTLE Carrie, hush yourself.
'Police office - repeat - police officer wounded.
'lnformant is a Mrs Yvonne Karib...
' Stanl God, what've l done?
l'm scared, love.
l'm getting cold.
Really cold.
You're against the fridge, Stan.
Cuddle me.
HE PANTS Ambulance will be here soon.
Why can't you marry me?
Don't talk about that now.
Save your strength.
l have to know...please.
lf l could, l would.
But l can't.
What's stopping us?
You can tell me.
l'm still married.
How?
Kash is alive.
l thought...he killed himself.
l made him fake it to get creditors off his back.
He were up to his eyes in debt.
Nobody knows.
That's why l can't marry you.
lt would just be wrong.
Yvonne...
Why didn't you tell me?
DOOR OPENS Stanl > Oh, Jesus Chr...
l OK, find the weapon.
Yvonne...
Come on, give them room to work.
We need to let them help Stan.
HE GROANS l need to ask you some questions.
All right, Stan?
> Who did this?
lt were an accident.
OK.
So where's the gun now?
lt just went off.
Sarge...
All right, you stay with Stan, and call me if...
Sure.
Look up, look away, Stan, that's good.
> Yvonne, l need to get you to the station.
l wanna go with Stan.
We'll keep you updated.
l wanna go in the ambulancel Best not to make this any more difficult.
Let's just get in the car, yeah?
Come on.
Stan...
Don't you dare diel (Both) You joined the Army?l Yeah.
Well, entrance test next week.
Recruitment guy reckons l've got what it takes.
Yeah, to get your head shot off.
l don't want your death on my conscience.
l know the risks, l watch DVDs.
Yeah, man, cut Rambo some slack.
He's old enough to know his own mind, and he looks the part.
The Army is perfect for me.
Girls love the uniform, l get to travel.
(Man) Jamiel Two pints, please.
> Make the most of me assets.
Your assets will be fuck all use when you're in a sniper's sights.
Lads like you get used, Carl - you're cannon fodderl Piss off, lanl l make this big life decision because you're on my case.
Now you're having a pop at me.
l can't win with youl l didn't make you enlistl So you think l've made a mistake.
Yeah.
Well, obviously, if you come home in a body bag, it's a bad idea.
Stuff the lot of youl l'm doing thisl Who dares wins.
You all right there, Mrs G?
Do you want a lift anywhere?
Nah, you're all right.
Got to walk.
Long walks and curry.
Mickeyl > Can you take us to Balti Heaven?
Do what?
l've got a craving.
Oh, and go via Anderson Road, eh?
Why?
Mmm.
Mmm...
SHE CHOKES Sorry, baby, but l'm doing this for both of us.
Oh, please let me pull over, Mrs G.
You're gonna stain me covers.
l've got to do a hen party.
No.
Humps are good.
l want more humps.
Frank.
l need to find me husband.
Munich, Waco, Beslan...
Name one siege that ended well.
Exactly.
None.
There's my husbandl Blessed, l am.
Frankl Frankl l need you to take me from behind.
What did l tell ya?
Blessed.
Well, come on, then - today.
l don't think l can, love.
Do you need an 'and?
No, no, he's working...
lt's most men's fantasy, thisl A blooming woman, begging for it, doggy, nice and deep.
l've had a very traumatic day.
Oh...
What if the nipper gets brain damage?
You know, from the thrusting?
They have that soft bit on the top of their head...
You're not gonna hurt the baby, you're not even gonna come close.
Now shag mel l need cockl Give me some cockl l can't, not with him therel Pint and a painkiller, ta, Jamie.
Hey?
Cheers.
Ta.
They don't design bars with disabled veterans in mind.
You in the Army?
What of it?
Nothing, just...
l'm joining.
Oh, right.
Good for you.
No, fucking good for you, pal.
lt takes a brave lad to sign up nowadays.
Queen and country.
Yeah, man.
You won't regret it.
The British Army is the best in the world.
Takes kids and turns 'em into ultimate warriors.
Right.
So where were you posted?
All over.
lraq, Afghanistan - scary places, like.
Great times, though.
Yup.
Best six months of my life.
That's not long.
Mmm.
No.
But you know what?
l might've had me back snapped by the Taliban, but l've no regrets.
Be nice to piss standing up again, like, but you can't win 'em all.
GlGGLlNG You pricksl What?
You really think l'd fall for this?
Back snapped by Taliban?
Do you think l'm stupid?l Mate, it was my idea.
He went along with it.
You haven't thought about it properlyl And who's this twat?
Come on...
Come on, get up, so l can smack yerl Come on...
Carll He can'tl The chair's for real.
He broke his back on the railways.
TRAlN WHlSTLE BLOWS Finally.
l've been worried sickl ls there any news?
Here.
Carriel He's being operated on, it's all l know.
ls he gonna be OK?
l don't know any more than that.
When will he be out?
Yvonne...
ClD are gonna wanna talk to you.
Right.
For that to happen, you've gotta be under caution.
What?
You're gonna arrest me?l They know the CCTV tape's missing.
They think you destroyed it to make it look like an accident.
Cos it wasl Think very carefully about what you say from now on, yeah?
l didn't mean it.
l wouldn't do anything to hurt Stan.
l know.
You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence...
GROANlNG (Monica) Oh, yeah...
Deeper, Frankl Yeahl Go deeperl Just try not to make a mess.
Yeah, yeah...
Yeah, that's itl Oh, oh, oh, Godl Oh, Godl Oh...
Ohl Oh, babyl (Frank) Yeah, baby.
Who's back on form?
(Monica) Nol Baby, baby - it's comin'l Oh, Godl l'm so charging double for thisl Frank, where you goin'?
Fetch...
Fetching the kids, moral supportl But l want you therel Oh, fuck it.
Take me to hospital, l'm havin' a baby.
GROWLS SlREN BLARES OK, deep breaths.
lt will pass.
So when did your waters break?
Erm...
Oh, a bit ago.
This afternoon.
How far apart are your contractions?
Not very, but me tummy's going like a tumble dryer, so something's movin'.
Oh, girlsl You're just in time - baby's comin'.
No, it's notl You're not in labourl What?l Excuse mel l know what labour feels likel Your waters haven't broken, you're not dilated, you're wasting my time.
D'you know how many women are out there, waiting to drop?l l know my body, and l've been pooing non-stopl That's a signl Yeah, of gut rot.
What you been eatin'?
Chicken Madras and castor oil.
Outl Fuckin' lot of youl Won't be a minute.
What's happened?l Does he know?
Toml Nol Stanl Pleasel l'm not a good sarge.
Nobody could have predicted that Stan'd get shot.
You reacted like a sarge.
You did good.
Shall we do this?
SOBS Yvonne, he's fine.
Tom was just with him in hospital.
The man's a hero.
Deserves a commendation for what he did.
The masked robber just panicked and did one.
lrony of ironies that the gun goes off when Yvonne hands it to me for safekeepin'.
You're free to go.
Really?l Oh, can l see him?
Ward E, third floor.
Oh, go on - buy your old man a pint, son.
You run out of Carl's savings?
SARCASTlC LAUGHTER l would just like to wet my new baby's head.
What?l Your mum's at the hospital, she's probably had it by now.
No labour at that age - slips out like a wet pig.
Carll Mum's had a babyl Get inl Double celebrationl What?
Dick's signed up.
Army.
Right.
Well...
he can sign up all he wants, he's never gonna pass his medical.
Fuck offl Fit as, me.
Six-minute miler.
Could lift you and you.
That's as may be, but what you gonna do when the bombs and the strobes go off?
You start twitching, going all 'king Joy Division?
You what?l Got bad wiring, kid.
Epileptic.
No, l'm not.
SCOFFS You were on my shoulders at that first episode.
The lights are flashing and you're fucking jerking.
The other ravers were copying all your moves.
Till you started foamin'.
You're lying.
How come l can't remember?
Well, you don't, do you?
That's the nature of the storm.
lt comes, it goes...
''Did that happen?'' lt's a blessin'...
actually.
Shitl > Shitl You happy, now?l l mean, l'm fairly sure it was him.
lt was definitely one of you.
Go on, Captain Ale.
Give us a thing.
l didn't tell you about Kash because...
l don't wanna think about him.
Not because l don't trust you, not because you're a copper, not because we're not there yet.
lt's fine, Yvonne.
Don't worry.
Godl You look shit, Stanl Thanks.
ls it sore?
l won't be spraying under there for a while.
So they were actually in school, then?
Yep.
Catching up.
Homework club.
Right.
Talk to me about RE.
Well...
it's the teacher, innit?
She's a bigot.
She thinks all Musis wanna blow things up.
She turns the whole class against me.
l get abuse - that's why l've been jibbin'.
Fine.
Drop it.
Do something else.
You're doin' it againl l don't wanna swap subjects.
l like RE.
Well, what do you want?
Can you talk to her?
Tell her to give me a break, without getting dark.
Course l can.
l'd better get another teacher in there as well, though, just in case.
So what are these posh snaps like, then?
They're good.
They're really nice.
Professional.
lt's amazing what an airbrush can dol Are they worth two grand?
Good portfolio, better-paid assignments.
lt's a no-brainer.
OK.
But until you've earned your fortune on the catwalk, you'll be working weekends in the shop and settling up with me.
What?l That'll take foreverl lf you can't do the time...
Fine.
Baby just wasn't ready to come out.
Monica, love, do you want something for the stress?
Can you leave me alone, please?
l want to have a row with the father of my baby.
Well, go on.
Get it over with, cos l've a bottle full of excuses.
You've let me downl Oh, fucking...
We were supposed to be doing this together.
lt ain't easy.
You're a...
You'll be fine.
You're a total fuckin' pro.
You've raised more babies than Old Mother Hubbard.
Yeah, but l need help with this one.
l'm asking you to be there for us.
Oh, fucking...
Monica, l've told you...
You know this, l'm fuckin' useless at, you know, at this stage...
Delicate little things, you know?
What can l do?
Loadsl You can bath it, you can change its nappy, you can shove a bottle in its mouth...
l knowl lt's a baby, Frank.
lt's not gonna eat you.
lt needs you.
l know.
What d'you think l've been doing all these fuckin' years?
Just do what comes...naturally.
Nat...?
Yeah.
l told you that.
All right.
l know.
(l know.) l knowl Go across the road to Tina Brown and ask if we can borrow her paddling pool, cos l think l might try one of them water births.
l could wear me gold bikinil Well, go onl We need to practise.
We have to be ready, cos baby could come any day now.
Yvonne Toni-Marie Karib, l know you're set in your ways and l've still got a lot to learn about you, but from this day on, l promise l won't make any big surprises, or make any big demands on you.
For fear of being shot?
Absolutely.
OK, it's my go.
Stanley Dennis Waterman, l know that you tend to...
dive into stuff...
lt's a fair assumption, l'll give you that one.
But from this day on, l'll try to be more open to what you're divin' into.
Thank you.
Come on - this is painfull Cut to the chasel As a token of my commitment to you, l give you this new four-pack of pants from George.
Snazzyl As a symbol of my desire to stay over one extra night a week and call you my girlfriend.
And as a token of mine, l'll find a place for them in my drawer.
-Unless you want one of your own.
Really?l Relationships are all about making sacrifices, right?
But don't think l'm washing your mucky kecksl l draw the line.
HUBBUB Shitl You didn't tell 'em you have fits?l You're an idiotl They'll find out.
You don't lie to the military.
l had a good chat with my careers adviser.
Doing the job l've always wanted, shock and awe.
Hit itl MUSlC: Nineteen by Paul Hardcastle GlRLS SCREAM Dozens of girls are touching you up.
Passions are running highl Chances are...
..you might not get out alive.
What would you do fuckin' do, eh?
GUNSHOT (Carl) 'Course, the irony of people who can't commit 'is most of them are already on their way to wherever it is that's freaking them out.
'You only ever get cold feet when you're at the point of no return.
'You've just gotta make that leap.
'You always feel better for making a decision.
' Yeah l 'As long as it's the right one, like.
' l'm leaking.
l'm leakingl That means l'll be able to give her the boobl That's disgustin'l Clever Mummy.
Debbiel
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wickedl Piss offl What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included - is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head, but...you pay the taxes.
CHEERlNG lmagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Ehl Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs nowl Make poverty historyl Cheaper drugs nowl CHUCKLES Scatterl Partyl Thank you.
< lt's comingl lt's comingl The babyl Right, you all know what you're doing, yeah?
Where you going?
Pub.
Fetch me dad.
He's in.
l'm calling about Monica Gallagher.
(Carl) 'Some people can't do commitment.
' lanl Carll 'They're scared of making bad calls.
Fucking things up.
Feeling useless.
' 'So they never make decisions 'and they never find out what might have been.
' Shite-arsel Mum's in labour, movel Yeah, right.
Final prediction?
l honestly don't mind, so long as she's healthy.
Ohl lan's filming, bag's packed.
But where's Lanky?
Er, well, just thrilled to be here, really, support the wife.
The miracle of birth.
A gamut of emotions, really.
Come on.
> (Monica) Ahl These for Nana?
Are you looking forward to meeting your auntie?
Where's the lift?
Who's doing the transport?
Carl is.
This is rubbishl Can't have Mum waiting aroundl Carll He said he were getting up.
What?
l'll call Speedy Cabs.
No.
Forget it.
Everyone stop what they're doing.
Carl let us down.
Drill's over.
A drill?
Debbiel You made me call the clinic for nothing?
Tell us you're jokingl Just as well it was a dry runl Shall we do a debrief?
You were in on this, eh?
Like l had a choice.
False alarm.
Oh, yeah, well.
OK, as l'm up...
Can't afford to carry passengers.
For fuck's sake, Mum wasn't in labour.
You weren't to know thatl Don't you think it's a bit soon to be running drills?
No.
Mum always drops early.
lan started the trend of premature birth.
The ensuing children came even earlier, so by my calculations, Mrs Gallagher could give birth...
tomorrow.
All this excitement, eh, baby?
lf you're coming any day now, l'd better go and lie down upstairs.
Conserve our energy.
Nice one, Debbiel Now she's having kittens as well.
Shut up.
Stan, it's cash and carry day.
l've got to leave in five minutes.
Always rushing me, aren't you?
Except when it's treats time.
Just because l let you stay here three times a week don't mean you can move in.
What?
Next thing, you'll be proposingl You can get that right out of your head.
lt's just a spare pair of undies.
Just don't, all right?
l'm too angry.
Yeah, Mum.
Chesneyl What are you doing here?l lt's five to nine.
About school...
l don't want to talk about school.
Just go to it.
lt's just Mrs Kay in RE.
l know.
You're Muslim, so why learn about other religions?
Because RE is the difference between ten GCSEs and nine and you promised me double figures, so just do onel ls nobody going to school today?
l'm on free periods till lunch and then l'm on at t'shop.
l told you that yesterday.
> Don't think you're getting out of working tomorrow night.
l know your game.
l know what you're all thinking before you've even thought it.
These mean nothing.
l put them in your drawer for convenience, that's all.
No hidden agenda.
You could have asked.
What's so bad about us shacking up together, anyway?
l'm here half the week.
That's differentl How is it?
And what's wrong with us moving things on a bit, thinking long term?
Stan, we're not having this conversation.
Do think we should?
Nol Not nowl Why not?
Because l'm late.
Don't push me.
Or what?
Oh, right.
l see.
Yeah, great.
Good to know, Yvonne.
Good to know.
l'll speak to you later, OK?
Yeah.
l can't believe you volunteered us for cycling proficiency lessons.
Opportunity to nick some bike thieves, Tom.
Ultraviolet light, serial codes for bikes.
That's why they made me a sergeant.
All right, there, Stanley?
Loved up to limbo in two minutes, for pants.
You left those?
Not your special boxers?
They were the first pair l could find, so shows you how trivial l think it all is.
Guys, are you still looking for a lodger?
Us?
No.
No room at our inn.
Don't know where you got that from.
Canteen Val.
Said that Stan's moving in with his missus.
God, l'm not moving in with Yvonnel How many times?
What?
Carl, come on, you can't stay in bed all day.
l've left school, l'll do what l want.
Not with another mouth to feed.
You know the score, everybody mucks in.
Carll Piss offl l am trying to get more than just the odd shift at the shop.
Full-time kitchen assistant at a city centre hotel?
That's all right.
l filled out 12 of them last week.
Not one interview.
lt's a waste of time.
What if this is the one that gets you the interview?
lt's fuck all use unless you hand it in, mate.
Watch.
l'll get my hopes up on the bus to town and l get knocked back.
Again.
Haven't even got me fucking fare.
How much short are you?
Forget it.
l'll get it out the surfboard fund.
lt's what it's for these days.
Where's my bottle?
��1 .32.
l really thought there'd be more.
Kids.
No head for saving these days.
How many cans?
One, but l'm not taking that.
What?l l know for a fact your mum loves change.
Shitl Such a waste, man.
Hands upl Get your hands upl Oh, shitl Shitting helll Don't talk to me and don't touch owt.
Just do what l tell youl Freezel l said freezel l'm froze.
Sleeping lions.
Anybody else?
No.
Just take whatever and go.
< Meena, why is this door locked?
Who's that?
My mum.
< Come on, open the door.
What are you doing?
Let her in.
No nonsense.
< Unlock this door nowl ls this what happens the second l set foot out the place?
Shut itl Ohl Do exactly what l tell you and nobody gets hurt.
What the hell are you doing?
l'm just getting me hospital bag ready.
How long do you think you're going for?
What's with the bikini?
Well, in case l want a water birth.
lt's not what you think.
That's my room.
l'll decide when l'm going.
Not you and Canteen Val.
She's always asking after you.
l just said we hadn't seen much of you.
Well, she's not the only one.
This is doing my head inl (Tom) The plan was to discreetly put the feelers out - test the market - not drop us in it.
(Stan) Yvonne?
l didn't know Val was gonna put it round the entire nick.
She's the biggest gobshite of them alll l thought she was a sweet old dinner lady.
Yvonnel Open the doorl > A good sarge knows her staff.
l can tell you the names of everyone who works at our nick.
Fine.
But do you know them?
A good sarge would.
Yvonnel > Open the doorl Copper.
l know you're there.
l can see you.
l'm not going anywhere until we sort out this stupid pants nonsensel Stanl l'll talk to you later, yeah?
Nol l'm here.
Talk to me now.
She's not letting him in.
Let me in.
> He is not happy.
l'd get in the back if l were you.
Keep your head down.
Grow up, Tom.
Let me in or l'll break this door down.
Shitl BANGlNG ON DOOR Yvonne.
ls everything OK in there?
Yvonne, what's going on?
(A fucking stick-up bloke with a bloody big gun.) Stand back - l'll kick it inl Piss offl l'm nearly there.
Get away from the doorl Get backl Don't shoot, l'm unarmed.
What's that in your hand?
Nothing.
Hands where l can see theml < Why don't you lower the weapon?
l just want everyone to go out of here...
Shut upl You're not calling the shots here - l aml Get over there and get down.
Youl Anyone tries anything and l start throwing bodies outl OK.
Now empty the safe.
What?
You've got a shop.
You've got a safe.
Move.
Just do as he says.
There's nothing in it.
l had to dip into it for the mortgage.
Whateverl Come on.
Fine.
But you're wasting your time.
l'm not a fucking idiot, yeah?
Now let's do this.
What now?
lt's on a timer.
Once l put the code in, it takes half an hour.
There's nothing to be gained from stalling him.
l'm not stalling.
lt's on a timer.
The back door's sealed to deter robbers.
l'm here.
This is happening.
Open it.
You're just going to have to sit tight.
Chesneyl What are you doing?
Nothing.
Who's he?
Robin Hoodie.
How many people?l Were you wanking?
Fuck offl l was in a study forum.
Forum?
You should be at school doing RE, where you're safe.
Skiving while l'm at Costcol Come on.
Not now.
Don't ''come on'' me.
This is my family.
Keep your nose out.
OK, enoughl Enter the code.
BEEPlNG lt's you saying that the baby's coming.
> l'm sure this is all just normal.
Last-minute nerves.
lt's not that.
There.
You're meant to breast-feed these days, and...
well, me milk hasn't come.
You don't need to breast-feed.
l bet all the women that write this are them militant lactators that have teenagers hanging off theirs.
Hmm.
You give us a bottle, didn't you?
l had to, because after l fed Fiona, these dropped a whole two inches.
They used to be right up there.
Did formula do us any harm?
lt's not the same as giving your baby the boob.
l want it to be natural.
l want it to be perfect.
l can't bear to be a crap mum again.
You won't be.
l won't let you.
Stop worryingl Yeah.
Thanks, love.
Oil Just until you settle down.
Oh, hiya.
No, it's locked.
l couldn't get in...
< Won't be a minutel Police business.
RADlO CRACKLES He's turned his radio off.
Kerry from community support.
l'm not playing your stupid game, Tom, save your breath.
Fine, only...
Look, l've passed my exam, l've got my stripes.
l've shown what it really takes to be a sergeant.
Fine, if that's all you want to be - a sergeant - not a good sarge.
He's got ten minutes and then l'm dragging him out of there.
(Robber) What is this, man?
There's a fucking cop car outside nowl lt's my colleagues.
Probably waiting for me to sort stuff with Yvonne.
How am l supposed to get out now, eh?
Duhl Something you should have thought about earlier, maybe.
Do you know him?
Shut upl Fucking talk to him like you did.
l know his voice from somewhere.
Do l know you?
Chesney, sit down for us, pal.
What?
He's not gonna shoot me.
He's bricking it.
Hand's shaking.
Listen to the Fed, brother.
l'm not your brother.
Are you a Musi?
How do we know each other?
Fellas, let's keep our heads, eh?
Chesney, back off.
How did you know about the safe?
Eh?
You've got a shop, you've got a safel No, the only people who know about it are here.
You're too clued up.
You rob me the one morning l'm not here.
How did you know that?
Please don't tell me this is what l think it is - an inside job.
Whose idea were it?
Well?
You said this was going to be easyl Put on a show for the cameras - in and out, no distractions.
Fucking hell's bells, Stanl l thought my lot were wrong 'uns.
l knew it.
Asif Khan, evil, money-lending haramil Easy, Chesney, he's still carrying.
This wasn't meant to happen.
20 applicants to clean dishes and they tell me, ''Lack of experience''.
l'm unemployable.
l can't make owt, fix owt.
l wouldn't even give me a job.
Dear, oh, dear, dry your eyes.
There's a place in the workforce for everybody, and even coconuts like you.
ln't that right, Nicky?
Yeah.
You're not using your bread box.
You tell us what you're after and we'll come up with the perfect job for you.
l want something people are impressed by.
l want them to look at me and say, ''There's Carl Gallagher, the...'' Lumberjack.
And it needs to be around girls.
So you want a job that gets you laid, doesn't require you to think.
l suppose.
And if l could travel, great.
See the world and that.
Uniform?
Ladies love a man in uniform.
As long as l don't look like a dick.
(All) Holiday repl GlRLS LAUGH Hello, sailor.
Anyone for tennis?
Clear off taking the pissl No, it was inspired, that.
l'll show yous.
l'm going to do something that gets me respect.
l want what l'm owed.
How much?
Two.
Grand?
What the fuck do you need that for?
What's it got to do with you?
lt's my mum you're robbingl Don't get holier than thou with me.
Doing study forums in her shop(l) Stop itl What have l done to deserve this?
What's happened to my kids?
What did you need the loan for, Meena?
Pay off a bar bill?
Buy more party dresses?
No.
l paid a photographer to take shots of me.
l want to be a model.
You?l lf you have been flashing your fanny for some dirty old perv...
l'm trying to tell you.
Why do you always think you know it all?
Cos when it comes to you, l do.
Didn't know l were going to do thisl l got behind with the repayments.
So you decided to rob mel You never listen.
You assume everything.
So now l'm to blame for all this.
l screwed up.
But everything l've said is true, Muml Chesney will back me up.
He tried telling you why he didn't want to go to school today.
No, he didn't.
l did, actually.
Twicel l'm the same, Yvonne.
< Selective hearing.
To be fair, you kids do talk a lot of bollocks.
Shut up, Frankl So, you're with them.
My son's bunking off.
My daughter's trying to hustle me.
My boyfriend thinks l'm a bitch.
lt's all my fault, then.
Greatl Could you run us to Bettabuys?
No, get a busl Oh, thanksl Half an hourl He's just hiding to get out of cycling proficiency.
Carriel They could be making up.
Do you really want to interrupt that?
OK, PC O'Leary, would you say that a good sarge distinguishes herself by making big calls under pressure?
l would.
Well, we need to educate the next generation of Chatsworth cyclists.
Let's go.
Lover-boy can explain his absence to the inspector.
< Lying bitchl < What the hell is this?
You said that safe was full of money.
Asif, let go.
Come onl Scaring her won't bring the money back.
l said there was nothing in it.
l thought you were having me on.
Fucking helll What now, eh?
How am l going to get my cash?
They've got a massive telly...
How am l going to get out of here without getting arrested?
We'll give you the CCTV tape.
What?l Look, that tape is the only proof that you were here.
We'll give it you and then go.
Oh, so what about your mates, eh?
What about them?
They only respond to crimes and you were here shopping, right?
l'll pay you the money.
No, wait, it's not your debt.
He's a thieving scumbagl You, shut itl He sorts people out.
He's the one everybody goes to when nobody else will help.
He's been there for plenty of families here.
Besides, what have l told you about borrowing money?
Pay it back before interest is due.
l'll get you the rest.
How do l know you won't cry off?
Send bobbies round to my house?
She knows you'd give up Meena as an accessory.
You've got to trust each other.
We all have to make out like this didn't happen.
Er...excuse me, shopkeeperl ln return for my silence...
Hey, Yvonne...
Don't push your luckl Give me the gun.
l can't.
lt's my cousin's.
l'm not having some bloke walking through Chatsworth with thatl ..Drown my sorrows and l-l-l Had a feeling that l belong l-l-l Had a feeling l could be someone...
Hear you're about to drop, girll Leftovers from when our Mandy had Katie.
Clogging up my cupboards.
Right, tal Fucking decent stuff, thisl Breast pump.
Nipple pads to soak up your leakage.
Here, has your milk come in yet?
No.
Really?
ln that case, hit a truck the other day.
Red Cross.
Shit loads of baby formula.
You can have it.
ln case your baby doesn't lock on.
See ya.
All right, Mon?
No.
lt's all this ''baby this'', ''baby that''.
Just chill, eh?
lt's not good for you or the baby.
Got to calm down.
Think about what's best for you both, eh?
What's best for us.
Get her outl She wants it.
l want it.
Just do it before l go madl Nice cup of tea, two sugars.
You're making us go to school?
After we've been held hostage?
Normal service resumes.
Plus, l want you back here by tea-time.
We've got stuff to sort out.
Go onl Close for the day, eh, Yvonne?
Nol l'm OK.
About this morning...
l'm sorry.
l guess l'm just not great at change.
Don't beat yourself up, love.
Coming from a big family of hard bastards, the soft didn't survive.
When l thought l'd found the man who was going to make me happy, he just turned out to be a big-spending poof.
There isn't that much to smile about.
l make you smile, don't l?
l definitely made you smile at least twice.
Hey, hat-trickl Yvonne, l want to make you happy.
Oh, Stan...
What?
Come on, we had a row.
Big deall This works.
lt'd be crazy to give this up.
And you know, if you want to face facts, neither of us is getting any younger.
Stan, l don't want this conversation.
Why not?
l'm not your folks, l'm not Kash.
l'm a good bloke and sod itl l love you.
l wasn't planning on moving in with you just yet.
That's not what these pants are about.
But it's what l want down the line.
l want us to be together.
l wanna be part of your family.
Stan, stopl Marry me, lovel Nol You don't get it, do you?
Yvonne Karib, will you marry me?l l can't.
Stanl Are you all right?
lt's OK.
Talk to me.
lt's fine.
Oh, Stanl Thank God for bullet-proof vestsl Stanl lt's me boyfriend, he's been shotl He's a copperl Please hurry.
Between the shoulder and...
Oh, Causeway Parade, Chatsworth.
Please hurry, there's blood everywherel What can l do?
(Right...) lt's all right, the ambulance is coming.
lt's gonna be OK.
Press there for me.
Please, hurry upl He's not good.
ELECTRlCAL CRACKLlNG (Tom) Oi, youl With both hands, pleasel Shut upl You're not even from Manchesterl BELL RlNGS Jesusl WHlSTLE SHRlLLS Right, slow downl Right, everyone, stopl Hit the brakesl What did l tell you to do when l blew this?
(RADlO) 'Reports of a gunshot...
' WHlSTLE Carrie, hush yourself.
'Police office - repeat - police officer wounded.
'lnformant is a Mrs Yvonne Karib...
' Stanl God, what've l done?
l'm scared, love.
l'm getting cold.
Really cold.
You're against the fridge, Stan.
Cuddle me.
HE PANTS Ambulance will be here soon.
Why can't you marry me?
Don't talk about that now.
Save your strength.
l have to know...please.
lf l could, l would.
But l can't.
What's stopping us?
You can tell me.
l'm still married.
How?
Kash is alive.
l thought...he killed himself.
l made him fake it to get creditors off his back.
He were up to his eyes in debt.
Nobody knows.
That's why l can't marry you.
lt would just be wrong.
Yvonne...
Why didn't you tell me?
DOOR OPENS Stanl > Oh, Jesus Chr...
l OK, find the weapon.
Yvonne...
Come on, give them room to work.
We need to let them help Stan.
HE GROANS l need to ask you some questions.
All right, Stan?
> Who did this?
lt were an accident.
OK.
So where's the gun now?
lt just went off.
Sarge...
All right, you stay with Stan, and call me if...
Sure.
Look up, look away, Stan, that's good.
> Yvonne, l need to get you to the station.
l wanna go with Stan.
We'll keep you updated.
l wanna go in the ambulancel Best not to make this any more difficult.
Let's just get in the car, yeah?
Come on.
Stan...
Don't you dare diel (Both) You joined the Army?l Yeah.
Well, entrance test next week.
Recruitment guy reckons l've got what it takes.
Yeah, to get your head shot off.
l don't want your death on my conscience.
l know the risks, l watch DVDs.
Yeah, man, cut Rambo some slack.
He's old enough to know his own mind, and he looks the part.
The Army is perfect for me.
Girls love the uniform, l get to travel.
(Man) Jamiel Two pints, please.
> Make the most of me assets.
Your assets will be fuck all use when you're in a sniper's sights.
Lads like you get used, Carl - you're cannon fodderl Piss off, lanl l make this big life decision because you're on my case.
Now you're having a pop at me.
l can't win with youl l didn't make you enlistl So you think l've made a mistake.
Yeah.
Well, obviously, if you come home in a body bag, it's a bad idea.
Stuff the lot of youl l'm doing thisl Who dares wins.
You all right there, Mrs G?
Do you want a lift anywhere?
Nah, you're all right.
Got to walk.
Long walks and curry.
Mickeyl > Can you take us to Balti Heaven?
Do what?
l've got a craving.
Oh, and go via Anderson Road, eh?
Why?
Mmm.
Mmm...
SHE CHOKES Sorry, baby, but l'm doing this for both of us.
Oh, please let me pull over, Mrs G.
You're gonna stain me covers.
l've got to do a hen party.
No.
Humps are good.
l want more humps.
Frank.
l need to find me husband.
Munich, Waco, Beslan...
Name one siege that ended well.
Exactly.
None.
There's my husbandl Blessed, l am.
Frankl Frankl l need you to take me from behind.
What did l tell ya?
Blessed.
Well, come on, then - today.
l don't think l can, love.
Do you need an 'and?
No, no, he's working...
lt's most men's fantasy, thisl A blooming woman, begging for it, doggy, nice and deep.
l've had a very traumatic day.
Oh...
What if the nipper gets brain damage?
You know, from the thrusting?
They have that soft bit on the top of their head...
You're not gonna hurt the baby, you're not even gonna come close.
Now shag mel l need cockl Give me some cockl l can't, not with him therel Pint and a painkiller, ta, Jamie.
Hey?
Cheers.
Ta.
They don't design bars with disabled veterans in mind.
You in the Army?
What of it?
Nothing, just...
l'm joining.
Oh, right.
Good for you.
No, fucking good for you, pal.
lt takes a brave lad to sign up nowadays.
Queen and country.
Yeah, man.
You won't regret it.
The British Army is the best in the world.
Takes kids and turns 'em into ultimate warriors.
Right.
So where were you posted?
All over.
lraq, Afghanistan - scary places, like.
Great times, though.
Yup.
Best six months of my life.
That's not long.
Mmm.
No.
But you know what?
l might've had me back snapped by the Taliban, but l've no regrets.
Be nice to piss standing up again, like, but you can't win 'em all.
GlGGLlNG You pricksl What?
You really think l'd fall for this?
Back snapped by Taliban?
Do you think l'm stupid?l Mate, it was my idea.
He went along with it.
You haven't thought about it properlyl And who's this twat?
Come on...
Come on, get up, so l can smack yerl Come on...
Carll He can'tl The chair's for real.
He broke his back on the railways.
TRAlN WHlSTLE BLOWS Finally.
l've been worried sickl ls there any news?
Here.
Carriel He's being operated on, it's all l know.
ls he gonna be OK?
l don't know any more than that.
When will he be out?
Yvonne...
ClD are gonna wanna talk to you.
Right.
For that to happen, you've gotta be under caution.
What?
You're gonna arrest me?l They know the CCTV tape's missing.
They think you destroyed it to make it look like an accident.
Cos it wasl Think very carefully about what you say from now on, yeah?
l didn't mean it.
l wouldn't do anything to hurt Stan.
l know.
You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence...
GROANlNG (Monica) Oh, yeah...
Deeper, Frankl Yeahl Go deeperl Just try not to make a mess.
Yeah, yeah...
Yeah, that's itl Oh, oh, oh, Godl Oh, Godl Oh...
Ohl Oh, babyl (Frank) Yeah, baby.
Who's back on form?
(Monica) Nol Baby, baby - it's comin'l Oh, Godl l'm so charging double for thisl Frank, where you goin'?
Fetch...
Fetching the kids, moral supportl But l want you therel Oh, fuck it.
Take me to hospital, l'm havin' a baby.
GROWLS SlREN BLARES OK, deep breaths.
lt will pass.
So when did your waters break?
Erm...
Oh, a bit ago.
This afternoon.
How far apart are your contractions?
Not very, but me tummy's going like a tumble dryer, so something's movin'.
Oh, girlsl You're just in time - baby's comin'.
No, it's notl You're not in labourl What?l Excuse mel l know what labour feels likel Your waters haven't broken, you're not dilated, you're wasting my time.
D'you know how many women are out there, waiting to drop?l l know my body, and l've been pooing non-stopl That's a signl Yeah, of gut rot.
What you been eatin'?
Chicken Madras and castor oil.
Outl Fuckin' lot of youl Won't be a minute.
What's happened?l Does he know?
Toml Nol Stanl Pleasel l'm not a good sarge.
Nobody could have predicted that Stan'd get shot.
You reacted like a sarge.
You did good.
Shall we do this?
SOBS Yvonne, he's fine.
Tom was just with him in hospital.
The man's a hero.
Deserves a commendation for what he did.
The masked robber just panicked and did one.
lrony of ironies that the gun goes off when Yvonne hands it to me for safekeepin'.
You're free to go.
Really?l Oh, can l see him?
Ward E, third floor.
Oh, go on - buy your old man a pint, son.
You run out of Carl's savings?
SARCASTlC LAUGHTER l would just like to wet my new baby's head.
What?l Your mum's at the hospital, she's probably had it by now.
No labour at that age - slips out like a wet pig.
Carll Mum's had a babyl Get inl Double celebrationl What?
Dick's signed up.
Army.
Right.
Well...
he can sign up all he wants, he's never gonna pass his medical.
Fuck offl Fit as, me.
Six-minute miler.
Could lift you and you.
That's as may be, but what you gonna do when the bombs and the strobes go off?
You start twitching, going all 'king Joy Division?
You what?l Got bad wiring, kid.
Epileptic.
No, l'm not.
SCOFFS You were on my shoulders at that first episode.
The lights are flashing and you're fucking jerking.
The other ravers were copying all your moves.
Till you started foamin'.
You're lying.
How come l can't remember?
Well, you don't, do you?
That's the nature of the storm.
lt comes, it goes...
''Did that happen?'' lt's a blessin'...
actually.
Shitl > Shitl You happy, now?l l mean, l'm fairly sure it was him.
lt was definitely one of you.
Go on, Captain Ale.
Give us a thing.
l didn't tell you about Kash because...
l don't wanna think about him.
Not because l don't trust you, not because you're a copper, not because we're not there yet.
lt's fine, Yvonne.
Don't worry.
Godl You look shit, Stanl Thanks.
ls it sore?
l won't be spraying under there for a while.
So they were actually in school, then?
Yep.
Catching up.
Homework club.
Right.
Talk to me about RE.
Well...
it's the teacher, innit?
She's a bigot.
She thinks all Musis wanna blow things up.
She turns the whole class against me.
l get abuse - that's why l've been jibbin'.
Fine.
Drop it.
Do something else.
You're doin' it againl l don't wanna swap subjects.
l like RE.
Well, what do you want?
Can you talk to her?
Tell her to give me a break, without getting dark.
Course l can.
l'd better get another teacher in there as well, though, just in case.
So what are these posh snaps like, then?
They're good.
They're really nice.
Professional.
lt's amazing what an airbrush can dol Are they worth two grand?
Good portfolio, better-paid assignments.
lt's a no-brainer.
OK.
But until you've earned your fortune on the catwalk, you'll be working weekends in the shop and settling up with me.
What?l That'll take foreverl lf you can't do the time...
Fine.
Baby just wasn't ready to come out.
Monica, love, do you want something for the stress?
Can you leave me alone, please?
l want to have a row with the father of my baby.
Well, go on.
Get it over with, cos l've a bottle full of excuses.
You've let me downl Oh, fucking...
We were supposed to be doing this together.
lt ain't easy.
You're a...
You'll be fine.
You're a total fuckin' pro.
You've raised more babies than Old Mother Hubbard.
Yeah, but l need help with this one.
l'm asking you to be there for us.
Oh, fucking...
Monica, l've told you...
You know this, l'm fuckin' useless at, you know, at this stage...
Delicate little things, you know?
What can l do?
Loadsl You can bath it, you can change its nappy, you can shove a bottle in its mouth...
l knowl lt's a baby, Frank.
lt's not gonna eat you.
lt needs you.
l know.
What d'you think l've been doing all these fuckin' years?
Just do what comes...naturally.
Nat...?
Yeah.
l told you that.
All right.
l know.
(l know.) l knowl Go across the road to Tina Brown and ask if we can borrow her paddling pool, cos l think l might try one of them water births.
l could wear me gold bikinil Well, go onl We need to practise.
We have to be ready, cos baby could come any day now.
Yvonne Toni-Marie Karib, l know you're set in your ways and l've still got a lot to learn about you, but from this day on, l promise l won't make any big surprises, or make any big demands on you.
For fear of being shot?
Absolutely.
OK, it's my go.
Stanley Dennis Waterman, l know that you tend to...
dive into stuff...
lt's a fair assumption, l'll give you that one.
But from this day on, l'll try to be more open to what you're divin' into.
Thank you.
Come on - this is painfull Cut to the chasel As a token of my commitment to you, l give you this new four-pack of pants from George.
Snazzyl As a symbol of my desire to stay over one extra night a week and call you my girlfriend.
And as a token of mine, l'll find a place for them in my drawer.
-Unless you want one of your own.
Really?l Relationships are all about making sacrifices, right?
But don't think l'm washing your mucky kecksl l draw the line.
HUBBUB Shitl You didn't tell 'em you have fits?l You're an idiotl They'll find out.
You don't lie to the military.
l had a good chat with my careers adviser.
Doing the job l've always wanted, shock and awe.
Hit itl MUSlC: Nineteen by Paul Hardcastle GlRLS SCREAM Dozens of girls are touching you up.
Passions are running highl Chances are...
..you might not get out alive.
What would you do fuckin' do, eh?
GUNSHOT (Carl) 'Course, the irony of people who can't commit 'is most of them are already on their way to wherever it is that's freaking them out.
'You only ever get cold feet when you're at the point of no return.
'You've just gotta make that leap.
'You always feel better for making a decision.
' Yeah l 'As long as it's the right one, like.
' l'm leaking.
l'm leakingl That means l'll be able to give her the boobl That's disgustin'l Clever Mummy.
Debbiel