Émission TV: Black Adder - 3x5
{1322}{1403}Oh God!
Bills, bills, bills.
{1405}{1552}One is born, one runs up bills, one dies.|What have I got to show for it?
Nothing.
{1552}{1647}A butler's uniform|and a slightly effeminate hairdo.
{1648}{1843}Sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I|turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me.
{1841}{1982}Pass the biscuit barrel.|Let's see what's in the kitty shall we?
{1992}{2071}Nine pence.
Oh God, what are we going to do?
{2073}{2185}Don't worry Mr B,|I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
{2186}{2277}Let us not forget, that you tried to solve|the problem of your mother's low ceiling {2279}{2332}by cutting off her head.
{2336}{2470}But this is a really good one.|You become a dashing highwayman, {2470}{2571}then you can pay all your bills and, on top of that,|everyone'll want to sleep with you.
{2573}{2662}Baldrick, I could become a prostitute|and pay my bills, {2664}{2745}then everyone would want to sleep with me,|but I do consider certain professions beneath me.
{2747}{2884}And I fail to see why a thief should be idolised,|just because he has a horse between his legs.
{2884}{3036}My favourite's the Shadow.
What a man!
They say|he's halfway to being the new Robin Hood.
{3036}{3105}- Why only halfway?|- Well, he steals from the rich, {3108}{3186}but he hasn't got round|to giving it to the poor yet.
{3188}{3258}Look, I've got a poster of him.
{3261}{3332}I have no desire to get hung|for wearing a silly hat.
{3335}{3458}If I want to get rich quick, all I have to do|is go upstairs and ask Prince Fathead for a rise.
{3502}{3597}The bank's open.
{3639}{3747}Good morning, sir.|May I say how immensely rich you're looking?
{3748}{3819}Was there anything you wanted?
Anything at all?
{3822}{3902}Yes, I was wondering|if you could lend me a bit of cash.
{3905}{3968}But of course, sir, I...
Cash?
{3971}{4066}Yes, I'm rotten stinking stoning stinking broke.
{4068}{4111}What about the 5,000 pounds {4115}{4208}that Parliament voted you last week|to drink yourself to death with?
{4209}{4368}All gone I'm afraid.
You see, I've discovered this|terrifically fun new game.
It's called "cards".
{4368}{4479}You sit round the table with your friends,|and you deal out five "cards" each, {4480}{4591}and then the object of the game is to|give away all your money as quickly as possible.
{4592}{4654}- Do you know it?|- Vaguely, sir, yes.
{4657}{4696}All the chaps say I'm terrific at it.
{4700}{4801}I was very bad at it.
I always seemed to end up|with more money than I started with.
{4803}{4885}It's all down to practice.|I'm a natural apparently.
{4887}{4949}The only drawback|is that it's pretty damned expensive.
{4953}{5011}So I was wondering|if you could lend me a couple of hundred.
{5014}{5149}I'm afraid that's impossible.
I'm as poor as a|church mouse that's just had an enormous tax bill {5149}{5246}on the very day his wife ran off|with another mouse, taking all the cheese.
{5248}{5340}- What am I going to do?|- It's a difficult one.
{5342}{5451}Let's see now.
You can't borrow money,|you're not going to inherit any money {5452}{5545}and obviously you can't earn money.
{5547}{5699}Sir, drastic situations call for drastic measures.|If you can't make money, you'll have to marry it.
{5699}{5749}Marry?
Never!
{5752}{5816}I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder.
{5819}{5922}I'm a roarer, a rogerer, a gorger and a puker.
{5924}{6017}I can't marry.|I'm young, I'm firm buttocked, I'm...
{6019}{6089}- Broke?|- Well, yes, I suppose so.
{6092}{6220}And don't forget, sir, that the modern Church|smiles on roaring and gorging within wedlock, {6220}{6301}and indeed rogering is keenly encouraged.
{6304}{6351}And the puking?
{6354}{6457}I believe still very much down to the|conscience of the individual churchgoer.
{6459}{6524}Well, tally-ho then, Blackadder.|Yes, you fix it up.
{6527}{6637}You know the kind of girls I like,|they've got to be lovers, laughers, dancers...
{6638}{6691}And bonkers.
{6695}{6750}That goes without saying.
{6753}{6841}- Oh God!|- Something wrong, Mr B?
{6843}{6919}I can't find a single person|suitable to marry the prince.
{6922}{6987}Please, keep trying, I love a royal wedding.
{6990}{7101}The excitement, the crowds, the souvenir mugs, {7102}{7199}the worrying about|whether the bride's lost weight.
{7198}{7359}Unlikely with this lot.
If the prince had stipulated|"must weigh a quarter of a ton" we'd be laughing.
{7358}{7472}Of the 262 princesses in Europe,|165 are over 80, they're out, {7473}{7565}47 are under 10, they're out,|and 39 are mad.
{7567}{7606}They sound ideal.
{7610}{7730}They would be if they hadn't all got married|last week in Munich to the same horse.
{7731}{7801}- Which leaves us with two.|- And what about them?
{7804}{7898}Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin -|we'll never get her to marry him.
{7900}{8022}- Why not?|- Because she's met him.
{8031}{8069}Which leaves?
{8074}{8199}- Caroline of Brunswick.|- What's wrong with her?
{8199}{8301}Get more coffee!
Change it!
Take me roughly|from behind!
No, not like that, like this!
{8303}{8383}Trousers off!
Tackle out!
Walk the dog!|Where's my presents?!
{8385}{8462}Which one do you want me to do first?
{8465}{8624}No, that's what Caroline's like.
She is famous|for having the worst personality in Germany.
{8623}{8712}And as you can imagine,|that's up against some pretty stiff competition.
{8714}{8833}- So you're stuck then.|- Yes, I'm afraid I am.
{8834}{8975}Unless...|Pass me the paper, Baldrick, quick.
{8977}{9056}Why has half the front page been cut out?
{9058}{9120}- I don't know.|- You do know, don't you?
{9123}{9169}Yes.
{9173}{9248}You've been cutting out the cuttings|about the elusive Shadow {9251}{9316}to put in your|highwayman's scrapbook, haven't you?
{9319}{9496}I can't help it, Mr B.
His life is so dark and|shadowy and full of fear and trepidation.
{9495}{9603}So is going to the toilet in the middle of the|night, but you don't keep a scrapbook on it.
{9604}{9637}I do.
{9641}{9777}Now, let's see, society pages.|You see, it needn't necessarily be a princess.
{9777}{9845}All the Prince wants|is someone pretty and rich.
{9848}{9894}Oh dear, that rules me out then.
{9898}{10043}Now, let me see.|"Beau Brummel in purple pants probe."
{10043}{10149}"King talks to tree.
Phew!
What a loony."
{10150}{10246}God, the Times has really gone downhill recently.
{10248}{10311}Aha!
Listen to this: {10314}{10392}"Mysterious northern beauty, Miss Amy Hardwood, {10395}{10496}comes to London|and spends flipping great wodges of cash!"
{10497}{10585}That's our baby!
{10588}{10709}I don't know why I'm bothering to get dressed.|As soon as I get to the Naughty Hellfire Club {10709}{10793}I'll be de-bagged|and radished for non-payment of debts.
{10796}{10862}- Radished, sir?|- They pull your britches down.
{10865}{10991}- And push a large radish right up your...|- Yes, all right, sir!
{10991}{11055}There's no need to hammer it home.
{11058}{11151}- As a matter of fact they do often have to...|- No!
No!
{11153}{11273}- Your money worries are over, sir.|- Well, hurrah for that.
{11274}{11404}I have found you a bride.
Her name is Amy,|daughter of the noted industrialist, Mr Hardwood.
{11404}{11480}Dammit, Blackadder,|you know I loathe industrialists.
{11483}{11578}Sad, balding, little proles|in their damn-your-eyes waistcoats.
{11580}{11651}All puffed up because they know where|to put the legs on a pair of trousers.
{11654}{11782}Believe me, sir, these people are the future.|This man probably owns half of Lancashire.
{11782}{11914}His family's got more mills|than you've got brain cells.
{11915}{11969}- How many mills?|- Seven, sir.
{11972}{12033}Quite a lot of mills then.
{12036}{12124}He has patented a machine called|"The Ravelling Nancy".
{12126}{12203}- What does it do?|- It ravels cotton, sir.
{12206}{12263}- What for?|- That I cannot say, sir.
{12266}{12388}I am one of these people who are quite happy|to wear cotton, but have no idea how it works.
{12389}{12431}She is also a beauty, sir.
{12435}{12537}Well, if she's gonna be my bird, she'd better be.|Right, so what's the plan?
{12539}{12637}I thought I could take her a short note|expressing your honourable intentions.
{12639}{12739}Yes, yes, I think so too.|All right then, take this down.
{12740}{12851}"From His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales|to Miss Amy Hardwood."
{12852}{12955}"Tally-ho, my fine saucy young trollop.|Your luck's in."
{12957}{13069}"Trip along here with all your cash,|and some naughty night attire, {13070}{13225}and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling|from now till Christmas, you lucky tart."
{13224}{13369}"Yours with the deepest respect etc, signed George.|P.S.
Woof!
Woof!"
{13369}{13474}- Well, what do you think?|- It's very moving, sir.
{13476}{13550}Would you mind if I changed|just one tiny aspect of it?
{13552}{13626}- Which one?|- The words.
{13629}{13689}I'll leave the details to you, Blackadder.
{13692}{13812}Just make sure she knows I'm all man,|with a bit of animal thrown in.
{13813}{13883}Certainly, sir.
{13886}{13984}From his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales|to Miss Amy Hardwood: {13986}{14162}"The upturned tilt of your tiny wee nosy,|smells as sweet as a great big posy."
{14160}{14269}- Fanciful stuff, madam, but from the heart.|- He says my nosy is tiny?
{14270}{14312}And wee, madam.
{14316}{14464}Well, he must be an awful clever clogs,|because you see, my nosy is tiny, {14464}{14607}and so wee, that I sometimes think|the pixies gave it to me.
{14687}{14829}He continues:|"Oh, Lady Amy, Queen of all your sex".
{14828}{14903}I apologise for the word, madam,|but Prince George is a man of passion.
{14906}{15029}Don't worry,|I can get pretty cross myself sometimes.
{15046}{15209}I've heard a teensy rumour that the Prince|has the manners of a boy-cow's dingle dangle.
{15208}{15297}- What do you have to say to that?|- That is a lie, madam.
{15299}{15464}Prince George is shy and just pretends to be|bluff and crass and unbelievably thick and gittish, {15463}{15578}whilst deep down he is a soft little marshmallowy,|pigletty type of creature.
{15579}{15736}Oh, I'm so glad.|You see, I'm a delicate tiny thing myself, {15736}{15823}weak and silly and like a little fluffy rabbit.
{15825}{15949}So I could never marry a horrible heffalump,|or I might get squished.
{15951}{16017}Tell me,|when can I meet the lovely Prince?
{16020}{16075}You want to meet him?
{16079}{16155}If we're going to get married|I think I probably ought to.
{16157}{16299}I know!
Tell him to come and serenade me|tonight.
I'll be on my balcony in my jim-jams.
{16299}{16353}Certainly, madam.
{16357}{16427}Eh up!
Who's this big girl's blouse, then?
{16430}{16557}Father, this is Mr Blackadder, he's come|a-wooing from the Prince.
{16557}{16642}- You have a beautiful and charming daughter.|- Indeed I do.
{16644}{16726}I love her more than any pig,|and that's saying summat!
{16729}{16785}It certainly is.
{16788}{16889}And let me tell you, I'd no more place her|in the hands of an unworthy man {16891}{17034}than I'd place my John Thomas|in the hands of a lunatic with a pair of scissors.
{17036}{17100}An attitude that does you credit, sir.
{17103}{17225}I'd rather paint my bottom blue|than give her to a man who didn't love her.
{17226}{17297}What self-respecting father could do more?
{17299}{17408}On the other hand, if he's a prince,|he can have her for ten bob and a pickled egg.
{17410}{17512}- I can see where your daughter gets her wit, sir.|- I thank you.
{17513}{17613}Although where she gets her good looks|and charm is perhaps more of a mystery.
{17615}{17802}- No one ever made money out of good looks.|- You obviously haven't met Lady Hamilton, sir.
{17825}{17912}I tell you, Baldrick,|I'm not looking forward to this evening.
{17914}{17994}Trying to serenade a light fluffy bunny of a girl {17996}{18101}in the company of an arrogant half German yob|with a mad dad.
{18103}{18187}- He is the Prince of Wales.|- Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
{18189}{18315}- No, but I've often thought I'd like to.|- Well don't, it's a ghastly place.
{18316}{18506}Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys|terrifying people with their close harmony singing.
{18512}{18663}You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat|just to pronounce the place-names.
{18663}{18789}Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick, you'll|be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.
{18789}{18926}- So being Prince of it isn't considered a plus?|- I fear not, no.
{18926}{19029}But the crucial thing is that they must never|be left alone together before the marriage.
{19031}{19127}- Isn't that a bit unfair on her?|- It's not exactly fair on him either.
{19129}{19214}The girl is wetter|than a haddock's bathing costume.
{19216}{19275}But you know, Baldrick, the world isn't fair.
{19278}{19389}If it was,|things like this wouldn't happen, would they?
{19459}{19506}What's the plan?
{19509}{19671}Shin up the drain and ask her if she'll take|delivery of a consignment of German sausage?
{19671}{19806}No, sir.|As we rehearsed: Poetry first, sausage later.
{19806}{19907}Right.
So, what do you think?|"Harold the Horny Hunter" should do the trick.
{19908}{19940}Remind me of it, sir.
{19945}{20031}"Harold the Horny hunter,|had an enormous horn."
{20033}{20161}It is absolutely excellent, sir.|However, might I suggest an alternative?
{20161}{20228}"Lovely little dumpling, how in love I am."
{20231}{20322}"Let me be your shepherdkins,|you can be my lamb."
{20324}{20440}I think we'll be very lucky if she doesn't just|come out onto the balcony and vomit over us.
{20441}{20481}Let's give it a whirl.
{20486}{20644}Just stand right here, sir.|Call for her romantically.
{20643}{20759}Oy!
Come on out here,|you rollicking trolloping sauce bottle!
{20760}{20852}{y:i}- George?|- Woof!
Woof!
{20854}{20896}Is that you?
{20900}{21019}Yes, 'tis I, your gorgeous little love bundle.
{21020}{21202}Oh, George, I think you must be the snuggly|wuggliest lambkin in the whole of toy-land.
{21200}{21243}Yucch!
{21247}{21281}What was that?
{21285}{21406}Nothing, there was just|a little fly in my throaty.
Yucch, yucch...
{21407}{21520}Do you want a hanky wanky|to gob the phlegmy wemmy woo into?
{21521}{21567}Phwoah!
Crikey!
{21571}{21648}What was that?|Is there someone down there with you?
{21650}{21729}No, it was just the wind|whistling through the trees {21732}{21894}and making a noise that sounded like|"phwoaaaah crikeeeeeey".
{21893}{22049}Oh, joy!|Then come, Prince Cuddly Kitten, climb up my ivy.
{22048}{22104}Sausage time!
{22108}{22200}- There is someone down there with you!|- Oh my God, so there is.
{22202}{22310}- A filthy intruder spying on our love.|- Hit him, George, hit him!
{22311}{22358}Very well.|Would you mind screaming, Your Highness.
{22362}{22431}Take that!
And that!
{22434}{22481}And that!
{22485}{22548}Oh, you're so brave!
{22551}{22653}And I'm so worn out with all the excitement|that I'd better go sleepy bobos, {22654}{22728}otherwise I'll be all cross in the morning.
{22731}{22852}- Nighty-night, Georgy Porgy!|- Nighty-wighty, Amy Wamy.
{22853}{22913}I think it worked, sir.
{22916}{23036}In the morning I shall go in and ask her father,|you go out and start spending his money.
{23037}{23111}I can't stand meanness|when it comes to wedding presents.
{23114}{23185}- And well done, sir, you were brilliant.|- Was I?
{23187}{23277}- But I'm in agony!|- Well, that's love for you.
{23280}{23393}Sir, I come as emissary of the Prince of Wales|with the most splendid news.
{23394}{23551}- He wants your daughter Amy for his wife.|- Well his wife can't have her!
{23550}{23619}Outrageous, sir,|to come here with such a suggestion!
{23622}{23747}Mind, sir, or I shall take off my belt|and by thunder me trousers will fall down!
{23747}{23855}No, sir, you misunderstand.|He wants to marry your lovely daughter.
{23857}{23952}Ah, ah...
Can it be possibly true?
{23954}{24035}Surely love has never crossed|such boundaries of class?
{24037}{24073}What about you and Mum?
{24077}{24146}I grant thee,|when I first met her, I was the farmer's son {24149}{24218}and she was just the lass who ate the dung,|but that was an exception.
{24221}{24267}And Aunty Dot and Uncle Ted.
{24271}{24332}Yes, he was a pig poker|and she was the Duchess of Argyle, but...
{24335}{24394}And Aunty Ruth was a milkmaid|and Uncle Isiah...
{24398}{24501}The Pope!|Yes, yes, all right.
Don't argue.
{24502}{24639}Suffice to say if you marry, we need never be|poor or hungry again.
Sir, we accept.
{24639}{24745}So obviously you'll be wanting|an enormous ceremony...
What did you say?
{24747}{24880}Well, obviously, now we're marrying quality,|we'll never be poor or hungry again.
{24880}{24972}- Are you poor and hungry at the moment?|- Oh yes!
{24974}{25052}We've been living off lard butties|for five years now.
{25054}{25148}I'm so poor|I use my underpants for drying dishes.
{25150}{25197}- So you're skint?|- Aye.
{25201}{25258}In that case, the wedding's off.
Good day.
{25261}{25370}But what about George's lovey-wovey poems|that won my hearty-wearty?
{25372}{25534}All writteny-witteny by me-wee|I'm afraidy-waidy.
Goodbye.
{25557}{25728}Sir, you know I told you to go out and spend a lot|of money on wedding presents, well apparent...
{25752}{25806}Yes?
{25810}{25888}Nothing.
{25930}{26049}Crisis, Baldrick, crisis!|No marriage, no money, more bills!
{26050}{26168}For the first time I've decided to follow a|suggestion of yours.
Saddle Prince George's horse.
{26168}{26225}You're not becoming a highwayman, are you?
{26229}{26341}No, I'm auditioning for the part of Arnold the Bat|in Sheridan's new comedy.
{26342}{26401}Oh, that's all right then.
{26404}{26469}Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
{26472}{26583}Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy,|only it's made of iron.
{26585}{26691}Never mind, never mind.|Just saddle the Prince's horse.
{26692}{26806}That'll be difficult, he wrapped her|round that gas lamp in the Strand last night.
{26807}{26839}Saddle my horse then.
{26843}{26928}What do you think you've been eating|for the last two months?
{26931}{26995}Well go out into the street and hire me a horse.
{26998}{27092}Hire you a horse?
For ninepence?|On Jewish New Year in the rain?
{27094}{27196}A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague|of Old London Town?
{27197}{27332}With the blacksmith's strike in its fifteenth week|and the Dorset Horse-Fetishists fair tomorrow?
{27332}{27499}Right, well get this on then.|It looks as though you could do with the exercise.
{27530}{27613}Honestly, Papa.
Ever since mother died|you've tried to stop me growing up.
{27615}{27725}I'm not a little girl, I'm a grown woman.|In fact I might as well tell you now, Papa: {27727}{27822}I'm pregnant, and I'm an opium fiend,|and I'm in love with a poet called Shelley, {27823}{27940}who's a famous whoopsy.|And mother didn't die, I killed her!
{27941}{28020}Well, never mind.
{28023}{28087}{y:i}Stand and deliver!
{28090}{28261}Oh no - disaster.|It's the Shadow - we're doomed, doomed.
{28260}{28422}Good evening, Duke, and the lovely|Miss Cheapside.
Your cash-bags, please.
{28421}{28503}You'll never get away with this!|You'll be caught and damn well hung.
{28505}{28548}- I think he looks...|- Madam, please.
{28552}{28667}Not the jest about me looking|pretty well hung already, we have no time.
{28668}{28727}- Now, sir, turn out your pockets.|- Never, sir!
{28730}{28823}A man's pockets are his own private kingdom.|I'll protect them with my life.
{28825}{28950}Got something embarrassing in there, have you?|A particularly repulsive handkerchief, hm?
{28951}{29097}One of those fellows who has a big blow|and then doesn't change it for a week?
{29097}{29181}- Aha!|- Highwayman, I also have a jewel.
{29183}{29316}I fear however, that I have placed it here,|beneath my petticoat, for protection.
{29316}{29374}Well in that case I think I'll leave it.
{29378}{29484}I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel|that's been in someone's pants.
{29485}{29556}A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require.
{29559}{29589}Never, sir!
{29593}{29706}A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom,|I shall defend them with my life.
{29707}{29800}I'm not talking to you, grandad.
{29855}{29954}Oh, I am overcome.
Take me with you|to live the life of the wild rogue, {29956}{30049}cuddling under haystacks|and making love in the branches of tall trees.
{30051}{30181}Sadly I must decline - I fear my horse would|collapse with you on top of him as well as me.
{30181}{30272}I could try.
{30312}{30402}- No, Quicksilver, you couldn't.|- That's not fair then.
{30404}{30503}I had you on my back for ten miles,|and I don't even get a kiss out of it.
{30504}{30590}All right, very well then...
{30606}{30669}- All fair now?|- Not really, no.
{30672}{30794}No pleasing some horses.
Hi ho, Quicksilver!
{30800}{30873}Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour.
{30875}{30984}Oh, shut your face, you pregnant junkie fag-hag.
{30986}{31079}Well, Baldrick, a good night's work, I think.
{31081}{31179}It's time to divide the loot.
I think|it's only fair that we should share it equally.
{31180}{31284}Which I suppose is highwayman's talk|for you get the cash, I get the snotty hankie.
{31286}{31380}No, we did this robbery together,|so you get half the cash.
{31382}{31416}Thank you, Mr B.
{31420}{31560}This robbery, on the other hand, I'm doing alone.|Hand it over, your money or your life.
{31560}{31699}- There you see, all fair and above board.|- As long as I haven't been cheated I don't mind.
{31699}{31794}Hands up!
I'm the Shadow, and I never miss.
{31796}{31839}Oh no.
{31843}{31974}- You, the one that looks like a pig.|- He's talking to you, Baldrick.
{31974}{32069}Scedaddle!
{32079}{32193}So...
who have we here.
{32230}{32344}A well set up fellow indeed.
Sir, a kiss.
{32345}{32485}- Sorry, I'm not sure I heard that correctly.|- Oh dear.
Maybe your ears need unblocking.
{32485}{32674}Oh, a kiss!
Of course.
Then perhaps a light supper,|some dancing, who knows where it might lead.
{32685}{32763}- Good Lord, it's you!|- Of course!
{32765}{32817}- But your voice?|- Clever, isn't it?
{32821}{32906}- Does your father know you're out?|- He had to go.
{32908}{32995}- You mean he's dead?|- Yes.
Dead as that squirrel.
{32997}{33057}Which squirrel?
{33130}{33187}Oh, that squirrel.
{33190}{33296}Of course!
You killed him for ruining your chances|of marrying Prince George.
{33297}{33409}I despise the Prince.|Don't you know it's you I want.
{33410}{33520}I want a real man.|A man who can sew on a button.
{33522}{33598}A man who knows where the towels are kept.
{33600}{33727}And "yes", I crave your fabulous sinewy body.
{33728}{33795}Well, you're only human.
{33798}{33846}Here's the plan, brown eyes, {33850}{33962}you rob the Prince of everything he's got,|right down to the clothes he's standing in.
{33963}{34081}I'll get my stash and meet you here.|Then we run away to the West Indies.
{34082}{34148}Well, I don't know, I'll have to think about it.
{34151}{34317}I've thought about it, it's a brilliant plan.|See you here tomorrow.
{34328}{34376}Right, I'm off.
{34380}{34490}But what about the danger?|Look, the reward is going up day by day.
{34491}{34604}I laugh in the face of danger.|I drop ice-cubes down the vest of fear.
{34605}{34710}Things couldn't be better, Baldrick.|She'll get me abroad and make me rich.
{34712}{34809}Then I'll probably drop her|and get two hundred concubines to share my bed.
{34810}{34907}Wouldn't that be rather prickly?
{34928}{34999}Concubines, Baldrick, not porcupines.
{35002}{35069}I still can't believe you're leaving me behind.
{35072}{35181}Don't worry - when we're established on our|plantation in Barbados, I'll send for you.
{35182}{35314}No more sad little London for you, Balders.|You'll stand out in life as an individual.
{35315}{35423}- Will I?|- Of course, all the other slaves will be black.
{35424}{35558}Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's all this I hear|about you buying a bathing-costume {35558}{35649}and forty gallons of coconut oil.|Are you going abroad then, sir?
{35651}{35800}- Yes, I'm off.|- Oh, sir, what a tragic end to all my dreams.
{35800}{35883}And I'd always hoped you would marry me {35885}{36000}and that together|we might await the slither of tiny Adders.
{36001}{36201}Mrs M, if we were the last three humans on earth|I'd be trying to start a family with Baldrick.
{36280}{36379}Here I am, all packed and ready to go.
{36381}{36502}Darling, I'm so pleased to see you.|And I've got a little surprise for you.
{36503}{36595}Close your eyes and open your mouth.
{36597}{36672}Hand over the loot, goat brains.
{36674}{36813}Ha ha ha!
I always said the bedrock of a good|relationship is being able to laugh together.
{36813}{36910}- Good.
Well done.
So, which way to Barbados?|- You're not going to Barbados.
{36912}{37014}Get away from the cart, Mr Slimy,|or I'll fill you so full of lead {37016}{37100}we could sharpen your head and call you a pencil.
{37102}{37181}This is turning into a really rotten evening.
{37183}{37279}You'd better make the most of it - it's your last.
{37281}{37445}And it's a pity, because it's usually|against my principles to shoot dumb animals.
{37444}{37547}- Except squirrels?|- Yes.
Bastards.
{37549}{37674}I hate them with their long tails|and their stupid twitchy noses.
{37741}{37813}I shall return at midnight to collect the loot - {37815}{37950}when I'll fill you so full of holes|I could market you as a new English cheese.
{38041}{38119}Oh God, what a way to die.
{38121}{38207}Shot by a transvestite|on an unrealistic grassy knoll.
{38209}{38304}- Morning, Mr B.|- Baldrick!
{38306}{38403}Thank you for introducing me|to a genuinely new experience.
{38405}{38503}- What experience is that?|- Being pleased to see you.
{38505}{38605}- What are you doing here, you revolting animal?|- I've come for the Shadow's autograph.
{38606}{38703}- You know, I'm a great fan of the Shadow.|- Yes.
Just untie me, Baldrick.
{38705}{38829}Has he gone?
What a pity.|I wanted him to autograph my new poster.
{38830}{38899}Look, his reward's gone up|to ten thousand pounds.
{38902}{39033}Good Lord, ten thousand pounds -|that gives me an idea.
{39033}{39144}Take this cart-load of loot back to the palace|and meet me back here at midnight {39145}{39303}with ten soldiers, a restless lynch-mob|and a small portable gallows.
{39332}{39379}Ha ha!
Brekkers!
{39383}{39525}I could eat fourteen trays of it this morning|and still have room for a dolphin on toast.
{39525}{39597}Any particular reason|for this gluttonous levity, sir?
{39600}{39703}Well, what do you think, Blackadder?|I'm in love.
I'm in love.
I'm in love.
{39704}{39795}Oh, Amy, bless all ten of your tiny pinkies.
{39797}{39891}Now, let's see what's in the paper.
{39893}{39991}Oh my God!
She's been arrested and hanged.
{39993}{40068}Really?
{40077}{40171}- It turns out she was a highwayman.|- These modern girls.
{40173}{40307}Apparently someone tipped off the authorities|and collected the ten thousand pounds reward.
{40307}{40411}What a greasy sneak.|If only I could get my hands on him.
{40413}{40581}- You can't trust anyone these days.|- It says here that she had an accomplice.
{40581}{40640}But they don't know who it was.
{40643}{40823}Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy, I shall never forget you.|Never ever never ever...
{40821}{40897}- Right, what's for breakfast?|- Kedgeree, sir.
{40900}{41028}Great.
I didn't need to get married anyway.|I've got pots of money.
{41028}{41083}- Really?|- The most extraordinary thing happened.
{41087}{41207}I was a bit peckish during the night,|so I nipped downstairs to the biscuit barrel.
{41208}{41343}And do you know what I found inside?|Ten thousand pounds I never knew I had.
{41343}{41418}I've got so much money now|I don't know what to do with it.
{41421}{41565}- How about a game of cards, sir?|- Excellent idea!
Bills, bills, bills.
{1405}{1552}One is born, one runs up bills, one dies.|What have I got to show for it?
Nothing.
{1552}{1647}A butler's uniform|and a slightly effeminate hairdo.
{1648}{1843}Sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I|turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me.
{1841}{1982}Pass the biscuit barrel.|Let's see what's in the kitty shall we?
{1992}{2071}Nine pence.
Oh God, what are we going to do?
{2073}{2185}Don't worry Mr B,|I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
{2186}{2277}Let us not forget, that you tried to solve|the problem of your mother's low ceiling {2279}{2332}by cutting off her head.
{2336}{2470}But this is a really good one.|You become a dashing highwayman, {2470}{2571}then you can pay all your bills and, on top of that,|everyone'll want to sleep with you.
{2573}{2662}Baldrick, I could become a prostitute|and pay my bills, {2664}{2745}then everyone would want to sleep with me,|but I do consider certain professions beneath me.
{2747}{2884}And I fail to see why a thief should be idolised,|just because he has a horse between his legs.
{2884}{3036}My favourite's the Shadow.
What a man!
They say|he's halfway to being the new Robin Hood.
{3036}{3105}- Why only halfway?|- Well, he steals from the rich, {3108}{3186}but he hasn't got round|to giving it to the poor yet.
{3188}{3258}Look, I've got a poster of him.
{3261}{3332}I have no desire to get hung|for wearing a silly hat.
{3335}{3458}If I want to get rich quick, all I have to do|is go upstairs and ask Prince Fathead for a rise.
{3502}{3597}The bank's open.
{3639}{3747}Good morning, sir.|May I say how immensely rich you're looking?
{3748}{3819}Was there anything you wanted?
Anything at all?
{3822}{3902}Yes, I was wondering|if you could lend me a bit of cash.
{3905}{3968}But of course, sir, I...
Cash?
{3971}{4066}Yes, I'm rotten stinking stoning stinking broke.
{4068}{4111}What about the 5,000 pounds {4115}{4208}that Parliament voted you last week|to drink yourself to death with?
{4209}{4368}All gone I'm afraid.
You see, I've discovered this|terrifically fun new game.
It's called "cards".
{4368}{4479}You sit round the table with your friends,|and you deal out five "cards" each, {4480}{4591}and then the object of the game is to|give away all your money as quickly as possible.
{4592}{4654}- Do you know it?|- Vaguely, sir, yes.
{4657}{4696}All the chaps say I'm terrific at it.
{4700}{4801}I was very bad at it.
I always seemed to end up|with more money than I started with.
{4803}{4885}It's all down to practice.|I'm a natural apparently.
{4887}{4949}The only drawback|is that it's pretty damned expensive.
{4953}{5011}So I was wondering|if you could lend me a couple of hundred.
{5014}{5149}I'm afraid that's impossible.
I'm as poor as a|church mouse that's just had an enormous tax bill {5149}{5246}on the very day his wife ran off|with another mouse, taking all the cheese.
{5248}{5340}- What am I going to do?|- It's a difficult one.
{5342}{5451}Let's see now.
You can't borrow money,|you're not going to inherit any money {5452}{5545}and obviously you can't earn money.
{5547}{5699}Sir, drastic situations call for drastic measures.|If you can't make money, you'll have to marry it.
{5699}{5749}Marry?
Never!
{5752}{5816}I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder.
{5819}{5922}I'm a roarer, a rogerer, a gorger and a puker.
{5924}{6017}I can't marry.|I'm young, I'm firm buttocked, I'm...
{6019}{6089}- Broke?|- Well, yes, I suppose so.
{6092}{6220}And don't forget, sir, that the modern Church|smiles on roaring and gorging within wedlock, {6220}{6301}and indeed rogering is keenly encouraged.
{6304}{6351}And the puking?
{6354}{6457}I believe still very much down to the|conscience of the individual churchgoer.
{6459}{6524}Well, tally-ho then, Blackadder.|Yes, you fix it up.
{6527}{6637}You know the kind of girls I like,|they've got to be lovers, laughers, dancers...
{6638}{6691}And bonkers.
{6695}{6750}That goes without saying.
{6753}{6841}- Oh God!|- Something wrong, Mr B?
{6843}{6919}I can't find a single person|suitable to marry the prince.
{6922}{6987}Please, keep trying, I love a royal wedding.
{6990}{7101}The excitement, the crowds, the souvenir mugs, {7102}{7199}the worrying about|whether the bride's lost weight.
{7198}{7359}Unlikely with this lot.
If the prince had stipulated|"must weigh a quarter of a ton" we'd be laughing.
{7358}{7472}Of the 262 princesses in Europe,|165 are over 80, they're out, {7473}{7565}47 are under 10, they're out,|and 39 are mad.
{7567}{7606}They sound ideal.
{7610}{7730}They would be if they hadn't all got married|last week in Munich to the same horse.
{7731}{7801}- Which leaves us with two.|- And what about them?
{7804}{7898}Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin -|we'll never get her to marry him.
{7900}{8022}- Why not?|- Because she's met him.
{8031}{8069}Which leaves?
{8074}{8199}- Caroline of Brunswick.|- What's wrong with her?
{8199}{8301}Get more coffee!
Change it!
Take me roughly|from behind!
No, not like that, like this!
{8303}{8383}Trousers off!
Tackle out!
Walk the dog!|Where's my presents?!
{8385}{8462}Which one do you want me to do first?
{8465}{8624}No, that's what Caroline's like.
She is famous|for having the worst personality in Germany.
{8623}{8712}And as you can imagine,|that's up against some pretty stiff competition.
{8714}{8833}- So you're stuck then.|- Yes, I'm afraid I am.
{8834}{8975}Unless...|Pass me the paper, Baldrick, quick.
{8977}{9056}Why has half the front page been cut out?
{9058}{9120}- I don't know.|- You do know, don't you?
{9123}{9169}Yes.
{9173}{9248}You've been cutting out the cuttings|about the elusive Shadow {9251}{9316}to put in your|highwayman's scrapbook, haven't you?
{9319}{9496}I can't help it, Mr B.
His life is so dark and|shadowy and full of fear and trepidation.
{9495}{9603}So is going to the toilet in the middle of the|night, but you don't keep a scrapbook on it.
{9604}{9637}I do.
{9641}{9777}Now, let's see, society pages.|You see, it needn't necessarily be a princess.
{9777}{9845}All the Prince wants|is someone pretty and rich.
{9848}{9894}Oh dear, that rules me out then.
{9898}{10043}Now, let me see.|"Beau Brummel in purple pants probe."
{10043}{10149}"King talks to tree.
Phew!
What a loony."
{10150}{10246}God, the Times has really gone downhill recently.
{10248}{10311}Aha!
Listen to this: {10314}{10392}"Mysterious northern beauty, Miss Amy Hardwood, {10395}{10496}comes to London|and spends flipping great wodges of cash!"
{10497}{10585}That's our baby!
{10588}{10709}I don't know why I'm bothering to get dressed.|As soon as I get to the Naughty Hellfire Club {10709}{10793}I'll be de-bagged|and radished for non-payment of debts.
{10796}{10862}- Radished, sir?|- They pull your britches down.
{10865}{10991}- And push a large radish right up your...|- Yes, all right, sir!
{10991}{11055}There's no need to hammer it home.
{11058}{11151}- As a matter of fact they do often have to...|- No!
No!
{11153}{11273}- Your money worries are over, sir.|- Well, hurrah for that.
{11274}{11404}I have found you a bride.
Her name is Amy,|daughter of the noted industrialist, Mr Hardwood.
{11404}{11480}Dammit, Blackadder,|you know I loathe industrialists.
{11483}{11578}Sad, balding, little proles|in their damn-your-eyes waistcoats.
{11580}{11651}All puffed up because they know where|to put the legs on a pair of trousers.
{11654}{11782}Believe me, sir, these people are the future.|This man probably owns half of Lancashire.
{11782}{11914}His family's got more mills|than you've got brain cells.
{11915}{11969}- How many mills?|- Seven, sir.
{11972}{12033}Quite a lot of mills then.
{12036}{12124}He has patented a machine called|"The Ravelling Nancy".
{12126}{12203}- What does it do?|- It ravels cotton, sir.
{12206}{12263}- What for?|- That I cannot say, sir.
{12266}{12388}I am one of these people who are quite happy|to wear cotton, but have no idea how it works.
{12389}{12431}She is also a beauty, sir.
{12435}{12537}Well, if she's gonna be my bird, she'd better be.|Right, so what's the plan?
{12539}{12637}I thought I could take her a short note|expressing your honourable intentions.
{12639}{12739}Yes, yes, I think so too.|All right then, take this down.
{12740}{12851}"From His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales|to Miss Amy Hardwood."
{12852}{12955}"Tally-ho, my fine saucy young trollop.|Your luck's in."
{12957}{13069}"Trip along here with all your cash,|and some naughty night attire, {13070}{13225}and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling|from now till Christmas, you lucky tart."
{13224}{13369}"Yours with the deepest respect etc, signed George.|P.S.
Woof!
Woof!"
{13369}{13474}- Well, what do you think?|- It's very moving, sir.
{13476}{13550}Would you mind if I changed|just one tiny aspect of it?
{13552}{13626}- Which one?|- The words.
{13629}{13689}I'll leave the details to you, Blackadder.
{13692}{13812}Just make sure she knows I'm all man,|with a bit of animal thrown in.
{13813}{13883}Certainly, sir.
{13886}{13984}From his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales|to Miss Amy Hardwood: {13986}{14162}"The upturned tilt of your tiny wee nosy,|smells as sweet as a great big posy."
{14160}{14269}- Fanciful stuff, madam, but from the heart.|- He says my nosy is tiny?
{14270}{14312}And wee, madam.
{14316}{14464}Well, he must be an awful clever clogs,|because you see, my nosy is tiny, {14464}{14607}and so wee, that I sometimes think|the pixies gave it to me.
{14687}{14829}He continues:|"Oh, Lady Amy, Queen of all your sex".
{14828}{14903}I apologise for the word, madam,|but Prince George is a man of passion.
{14906}{15029}Don't worry,|I can get pretty cross myself sometimes.
{15046}{15209}I've heard a teensy rumour that the Prince|has the manners of a boy-cow's dingle dangle.
{15208}{15297}- What do you have to say to that?|- That is a lie, madam.
{15299}{15464}Prince George is shy and just pretends to be|bluff and crass and unbelievably thick and gittish, {15463}{15578}whilst deep down he is a soft little marshmallowy,|pigletty type of creature.
{15579}{15736}Oh, I'm so glad.|You see, I'm a delicate tiny thing myself, {15736}{15823}weak and silly and like a little fluffy rabbit.
{15825}{15949}So I could never marry a horrible heffalump,|or I might get squished.
{15951}{16017}Tell me,|when can I meet the lovely Prince?
{16020}{16075}You want to meet him?
{16079}{16155}If we're going to get married|I think I probably ought to.
{16157}{16299}I know!
Tell him to come and serenade me|tonight.
I'll be on my balcony in my jim-jams.
{16299}{16353}Certainly, madam.
{16357}{16427}Eh up!
Who's this big girl's blouse, then?
{16430}{16557}Father, this is Mr Blackadder, he's come|a-wooing from the Prince.
{16557}{16642}- You have a beautiful and charming daughter.|- Indeed I do.
{16644}{16726}I love her more than any pig,|and that's saying summat!
{16729}{16785}It certainly is.
{16788}{16889}And let me tell you, I'd no more place her|in the hands of an unworthy man {16891}{17034}than I'd place my John Thomas|in the hands of a lunatic with a pair of scissors.
{17036}{17100}An attitude that does you credit, sir.
{17103}{17225}I'd rather paint my bottom blue|than give her to a man who didn't love her.
{17226}{17297}What self-respecting father could do more?
{17299}{17408}On the other hand, if he's a prince,|he can have her for ten bob and a pickled egg.
{17410}{17512}- I can see where your daughter gets her wit, sir.|- I thank you.
{17513}{17613}Although where she gets her good looks|and charm is perhaps more of a mystery.
{17615}{17802}- No one ever made money out of good looks.|- You obviously haven't met Lady Hamilton, sir.
{17825}{17912}I tell you, Baldrick,|I'm not looking forward to this evening.
{17914}{17994}Trying to serenade a light fluffy bunny of a girl {17996}{18101}in the company of an arrogant half German yob|with a mad dad.
{18103}{18187}- He is the Prince of Wales.|- Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
{18189}{18315}- No, but I've often thought I'd like to.|- Well don't, it's a ghastly place.
{18316}{18506}Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys|terrifying people with their close harmony singing.
{18512}{18663}You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat|just to pronounce the place-names.
{18663}{18789}Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick, you'll|be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.
{18789}{18926}- So being Prince of it isn't considered a plus?|- I fear not, no.
{18926}{19029}But the crucial thing is that they must never|be left alone together before the marriage.
{19031}{19127}- Isn't that a bit unfair on her?|- It's not exactly fair on him either.
{19129}{19214}The girl is wetter|than a haddock's bathing costume.
{19216}{19275}But you know, Baldrick, the world isn't fair.
{19278}{19389}If it was,|things like this wouldn't happen, would they?
{19459}{19506}What's the plan?
{19509}{19671}Shin up the drain and ask her if she'll take|delivery of a consignment of German sausage?
{19671}{19806}No, sir.|As we rehearsed: Poetry first, sausage later.
{19806}{19907}Right.
So, what do you think?|"Harold the Horny Hunter" should do the trick.
{19908}{19940}Remind me of it, sir.
{19945}{20031}"Harold the Horny hunter,|had an enormous horn."
{20033}{20161}It is absolutely excellent, sir.|However, might I suggest an alternative?
{20161}{20228}"Lovely little dumpling, how in love I am."
{20231}{20322}"Let me be your shepherdkins,|you can be my lamb."
{20324}{20440}I think we'll be very lucky if she doesn't just|come out onto the balcony and vomit over us.
{20441}{20481}Let's give it a whirl.
{20486}{20644}Just stand right here, sir.|Call for her romantically.
{20643}{20759}Oy!
Come on out here,|you rollicking trolloping sauce bottle!
{20760}{20852}{y:i}- George?|- Woof!
Woof!
{20854}{20896}Is that you?
{20900}{21019}Yes, 'tis I, your gorgeous little love bundle.
{21020}{21202}Oh, George, I think you must be the snuggly|wuggliest lambkin in the whole of toy-land.
{21200}{21243}Yucch!
{21247}{21281}What was that?
{21285}{21406}Nothing, there was just|a little fly in my throaty.
Yucch, yucch...
{21407}{21520}Do you want a hanky wanky|to gob the phlegmy wemmy woo into?
{21521}{21567}Phwoah!
Crikey!
{21571}{21648}What was that?|Is there someone down there with you?
{21650}{21729}No, it was just the wind|whistling through the trees {21732}{21894}and making a noise that sounded like|"phwoaaaah crikeeeeeey".
{21893}{22049}Oh, joy!|Then come, Prince Cuddly Kitten, climb up my ivy.
{22048}{22104}Sausage time!
{22108}{22200}- There is someone down there with you!|- Oh my God, so there is.
{22202}{22310}- A filthy intruder spying on our love.|- Hit him, George, hit him!
{22311}{22358}Very well.|Would you mind screaming, Your Highness.
{22362}{22431}Take that!
And that!
{22434}{22481}And that!
{22485}{22548}Oh, you're so brave!
{22551}{22653}And I'm so worn out with all the excitement|that I'd better go sleepy bobos, {22654}{22728}otherwise I'll be all cross in the morning.
{22731}{22852}- Nighty-night, Georgy Porgy!|- Nighty-wighty, Amy Wamy.
{22853}{22913}I think it worked, sir.
{22916}{23036}In the morning I shall go in and ask her father,|you go out and start spending his money.
{23037}{23111}I can't stand meanness|when it comes to wedding presents.
{23114}{23185}- And well done, sir, you were brilliant.|- Was I?
{23187}{23277}- But I'm in agony!|- Well, that's love for you.
{23280}{23393}Sir, I come as emissary of the Prince of Wales|with the most splendid news.
{23394}{23551}- He wants your daughter Amy for his wife.|- Well his wife can't have her!
{23550}{23619}Outrageous, sir,|to come here with such a suggestion!
{23622}{23747}Mind, sir, or I shall take off my belt|and by thunder me trousers will fall down!
{23747}{23855}No, sir, you misunderstand.|He wants to marry your lovely daughter.
{23857}{23952}Ah, ah...
Can it be possibly true?
{23954}{24035}Surely love has never crossed|such boundaries of class?
{24037}{24073}What about you and Mum?
{24077}{24146}I grant thee,|when I first met her, I was the farmer's son {24149}{24218}and she was just the lass who ate the dung,|but that was an exception.
{24221}{24267}And Aunty Dot and Uncle Ted.
{24271}{24332}Yes, he was a pig poker|and she was the Duchess of Argyle, but...
{24335}{24394}And Aunty Ruth was a milkmaid|and Uncle Isiah...
{24398}{24501}The Pope!|Yes, yes, all right.
Don't argue.
{24502}{24639}Suffice to say if you marry, we need never be|poor or hungry again.
Sir, we accept.
{24639}{24745}So obviously you'll be wanting|an enormous ceremony...
What did you say?
{24747}{24880}Well, obviously, now we're marrying quality,|we'll never be poor or hungry again.
{24880}{24972}- Are you poor and hungry at the moment?|- Oh yes!
{24974}{25052}We've been living off lard butties|for five years now.
{25054}{25148}I'm so poor|I use my underpants for drying dishes.
{25150}{25197}- So you're skint?|- Aye.
{25201}{25258}In that case, the wedding's off.
Good day.
{25261}{25370}But what about George's lovey-wovey poems|that won my hearty-wearty?
{25372}{25534}All writteny-witteny by me-wee|I'm afraidy-waidy.
Goodbye.
{25557}{25728}Sir, you know I told you to go out and spend a lot|of money on wedding presents, well apparent...
{25752}{25806}Yes?
{25810}{25888}Nothing.
{25930}{26049}Crisis, Baldrick, crisis!|No marriage, no money, more bills!
{26050}{26168}For the first time I've decided to follow a|suggestion of yours.
Saddle Prince George's horse.
{26168}{26225}You're not becoming a highwayman, are you?
{26229}{26341}No, I'm auditioning for the part of Arnold the Bat|in Sheridan's new comedy.
{26342}{26401}Oh, that's all right then.
{26404}{26469}Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
{26472}{26583}Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy,|only it's made of iron.
{26585}{26691}Never mind, never mind.|Just saddle the Prince's horse.
{26692}{26806}That'll be difficult, he wrapped her|round that gas lamp in the Strand last night.
{26807}{26839}Saddle my horse then.
{26843}{26928}What do you think you've been eating|for the last two months?
{26931}{26995}Well go out into the street and hire me a horse.
{26998}{27092}Hire you a horse?
For ninepence?|On Jewish New Year in the rain?
{27094}{27196}A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague|of Old London Town?
{27197}{27332}With the blacksmith's strike in its fifteenth week|and the Dorset Horse-Fetishists fair tomorrow?
{27332}{27499}Right, well get this on then.|It looks as though you could do with the exercise.
{27530}{27613}Honestly, Papa.
Ever since mother died|you've tried to stop me growing up.
{27615}{27725}I'm not a little girl, I'm a grown woman.|In fact I might as well tell you now, Papa: {27727}{27822}I'm pregnant, and I'm an opium fiend,|and I'm in love with a poet called Shelley, {27823}{27940}who's a famous whoopsy.|And mother didn't die, I killed her!
{27941}{28020}Well, never mind.
{28023}{28087}{y:i}Stand and deliver!
{28090}{28261}Oh no - disaster.|It's the Shadow - we're doomed, doomed.
{28260}{28422}Good evening, Duke, and the lovely|Miss Cheapside.
Your cash-bags, please.
{28421}{28503}You'll never get away with this!|You'll be caught and damn well hung.
{28505}{28548}- I think he looks...|- Madam, please.
{28552}{28667}Not the jest about me looking|pretty well hung already, we have no time.
{28668}{28727}- Now, sir, turn out your pockets.|- Never, sir!
{28730}{28823}A man's pockets are his own private kingdom.|I'll protect them with my life.
{28825}{28950}Got something embarrassing in there, have you?|A particularly repulsive handkerchief, hm?
{28951}{29097}One of those fellows who has a big blow|and then doesn't change it for a week?
{29097}{29181}- Aha!|- Highwayman, I also have a jewel.
{29183}{29316}I fear however, that I have placed it here,|beneath my petticoat, for protection.
{29316}{29374}Well in that case I think I'll leave it.
{29378}{29484}I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel|that's been in someone's pants.
{29485}{29556}A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require.
{29559}{29589}Never, sir!
{29593}{29706}A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom,|I shall defend them with my life.
{29707}{29800}I'm not talking to you, grandad.
{29855}{29954}Oh, I am overcome.
Take me with you|to live the life of the wild rogue, {29956}{30049}cuddling under haystacks|and making love in the branches of tall trees.
{30051}{30181}Sadly I must decline - I fear my horse would|collapse with you on top of him as well as me.
{30181}{30272}I could try.
{30312}{30402}- No, Quicksilver, you couldn't.|- That's not fair then.
{30404}{30503}I had you on my back for ten miles,|and I don't even get a kiss out of it.
{30504}{30590}All right, very well then...
{30606}{30669}- All fair now?|- Not really, no.
{30672}{30794}No pleasing some horses.
Hi ho, Quicksilver!
{30800}{30873}Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour.
{30875}{30984}Oh, shut your face, you pregnant junkie fag-hag.
{30986}{31079}Well, Baldrick, a good night's work, I think.
{31081}{31179}It's time to divide the loot.
I think|it's only fair that we should share it equally.
{31180}{31284}Which I suppose is highwayman's talk|for you get the cash, I get the snotty hankie.
{31286}{31380}No, we did this robbery together,|so you get half the cash.
{31382}{31416}Thank you, Mr B.
{31420}{31560}This robbery, on the other hand, I'm doing alone.|Hand it over, your money or your life.
{31560}{31699}- There you see, all fair and above board.|- As long as I haven't been cheated I don't mind.
{31699}{31794}Hands up!
I'm the Shadow, and I never miss.
{31796}{31839}Oh no.
{31843}{31974}- You, the one that looks like a pig.|- He's talking to you, Baldrick.
{31974}{32069}Scedaddle!
{32079}{32193}So...
who have we here.
{32230}{32344}A well set up fellow indeed.
Sir, a kiss.
{32345}{32485}- Sorry, I'm not sure I heard that correctly.|- Oh dear.
Maybe your ears need unblocking.
{32485}{32674}Oh, a kiss!
Of course.
Then perhaps a light supper,|some dancing, who knows where it might lead.
{32685}{32763}- Good Lord, it's you!|- Of course!
{32765}{32817}- But your voice?|- Clever, isn't it?
{32821}{32906}- Does your father know you're out?|- He had to go.
{32908}{32995}- You mean he's dead?|- Yes.
Dead as that squirrel.
{32997}{33057}Which squirrel?
{33130}{33187}Oh, that squirrel.
{33190}{33296}Of course!
You killed him for ruining your chances|of marrying Prince George.
{33297}{33409}I despise the Prince.|Don't you know it's you I want.
{33410}{33520}I want a real man.|A man who can sew on a button.
{33522}{33598}A man who knows where the towels are kept.
{33600}{33727}And "yes", I crave your fabulous sinewy body.
{33728}{33795}Well, you're only human.
{33798}{33846}Here's the plan, brown eyes, {33850}{33962}you rob the Prince of everything he's got,|right down to the clothes he's standing in.
{33963}{34081}I'll get my stash and meet you here.|Then we run away to the West Indies.
{34082}{34148}Well, I don't know, I'll have to think about it.
{34151}{34317}I've thought about it, it's a brilliant plan.|See you here tomorrow.
{34328}{34376}Right, I'm off.
{34380}{34490}But what about the danger?|Look, the reward is going up day by day.
{34491}{34604}I laugh in the face of danger.|I drop ice-cubes down the vest of fear.
{34605}{34710}Things couldn't be better, Baldrick.|She'll get me abroad and make me rich.
{34712}{34809}Then I'll probably drop her|and get two hundred concubines to share my bed.
{34810}{34907}Wouldn't that be rather prickly?
{34928}{34999}Concubines, Baldrick, not porcupines.
{35002}{35069}I still can't believe you're leaving me behind.
{35072}{35181}Don't worry - when we're established on our|plantation in Barbados, I'll send for you.
{35182}{35314}No more sad little London for you, Balders.|You'll stand out in life as an individual.
{35315}{35423}- Will I?|- Of course, all the other slaves will be black.
{35424}{35558}Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's all this I hear|about you buying a bathing-costume {35558}{35649}and forty gallons of coconut oil.|Are you going abroad then, sir?
{35651}{35800}- Yes, I'm off.|- Oh, sir, what a tragic end to all my dreams.
{35800}{35883}And I'd always hoped you would marry me {35885}{36000}and that together|we might await the slither of tiny Adders.
{36001}{36201}Mrs M, if we were the last three humans on earth|I'd be trying to start a family with Baldrick.
{36280}{36379}Here I am, all packed and ready to go.
{36381}{36502}Darling, I'm so pleased to see you.|And I've got a little surprise for you.
{36503}{36595}Close your eyes and open your mouth.
{36597}{36672}Hand over the loot, goat brains.
{36674}{36813}Ha ha ha!
I always said the bedrock of a good|relationship is being able to laugh together.
{36813}{36910}- Good.
Well done.
So, which way to Barbados?|- You're not going to Barbados.
{36912}{37014}Get away from the cart, Mr Slimy,|or I'll fill you so full of lead {37016}{37100}we could sharpen your head and call you a pencil.
{37102}{37181}This is turning into a really rotten evening.
{37183}{37279}You'd better make the most of it - it's your last.
{37281}{37445}And it's a pity, because it's usually|against my principles to shoot dumb animals.
{37444}{37547}- Except squirrels?|- Yes.
Bastards.
{37549}{37674}I hate them with their long tails|and their stupid twitchy noses.
{37741}{37813}I shall return at midnight to collect the loot - {37815}{37950}when I'll fill you so full of holes|I could market you as a new English cheese.
{38041}{38119}Oh God, what a way to die.
{38121}{38207}Shot by a transvestite|on an unrealistic grassy knoll.
{38209}{38304}- Morning, Mr B.|- Baldrick!
{38306}{38403}Thank you for introducing me|to a genuinely new experience.
{38405}{38503}- What experience is that?|- Being pleased to see you.
{38505}{38605}- What are you doing here, you revolting animal?|- I've come for the Shadow's autograph.
{38606}{38703}- You know, I'm a great fan of the Shadow.|- Yes.
Just untie me, Baldrick.
{38705}{38829}Has he gone?
What a pity.|I wanted him to autograph my new poster.
{38830}{38899}Look, his reward's gone up|to ten thousand pounds.
{38902}{39033}Good Lord, ten thousand pounds -|that gives me an idea.
{39033}{39144}Take this cart-load of loot back to the palace|and meet me back here at midnight {39145}{39303}with ten soldiers, a restless lynch-mob|and a small portable gallows.
{39332}{39379}Ha ha!
Brekkers!
{39383}{39525}I could eat fourteen trays of it this morning|and still have room for a dolphin on toast.
{39525}{39597}Any particular reason|for this gluttonous levity, sir?
{39600}{39703}Well, what do you think, Blackadder?|I'm in love.
I'm in love.
I'm in love.
{39704}{39795}Oh, Amy, bless all ten of your tiny pinkies.
{39797}{39891}Now, let's see what's in the paper.
{39893}{39991}Oh my God!
She's been arrested and hanged.
{39993}{40068}Really?
{40077}{40171}- It turns out she was a highwayman.|- These modern girls.
{40173}{40307}Apparently someone tipped off the authorities|and collected the ten thousand pounds reward.
{40307}{40411}What a greasy sneak.|If only I could get my hands on him.
{40413}{40581}- You can't trust anyone these days.|- It says here that she had an accomplice.
{40581}{40640}But they don't know who it was.
{40643}{40823}Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy, I shall never forget you.|Never ever never ever...
{40821}{40897}- Right, what's for breakfast?|- Kedgeree, sir.
{40900}{41028}Great.
I didn't need to get married anyway.|I've got pots of money.
{41028}{41083}- Really?|- The most extraordinary thing happened.
{41087}{41207}I was a bit peckish during the night,|so I nipped downstairs to the biscuit barrel.
{41208}{41343}And do you know what I found inside?|Ten thousand pounds I never knew I had.
{41343}{41418}I've got so much money now|I don't know what to do with it.
{41421}{41565}- How about a game of cards, sir?|- Excellent idea!