Émission TV: Black Adder - 3x4
{1269}{1337}You look smart, Mr Blackadder.|Going somewhere nice?
{1339}{1430}- No, I'm off to the theatre.|- Don't you like it, then?
{1433}{1592}No, I don't!
A lot of stupid actors strutting around|shouting, with their chests thrust out so far, {1591}{1682}you'd think their nipples were attached|to a pair of charging elephants!
{1684}{1780}And the worst thing about it|is having to go with Prince Mini-Brain!
{1782}{1831}- Doesn't he like it, either?|- He loves it.
{1834}{1895}The problem is|that he doesn't realise it's made up.
{1899}{2000}Last year, when Brutus was about|to kill Julius Caesar, the Prince yelled out, {2001}{2065}"Look behind you, Mr Caesar!"
{2069}{2211}I can't see the point in the theatre.
All that sex|and violence - I get enough of that at home.
{2211}{2289}Except for the sex, of course.
{2291}{2444}I want you to give this palace a good clean.
It's|so dirty, it'd be unacceptable to a dung-beetle {2444}{2548}that had lost interest in its career|and really let itself go.
{2549}{2605}Come on, Blackadder,|or we'll miss the first act!
{2609}{2691}Coming, sir, as fast as I can!
{2693}{2757}Stick the kettle on, Baldrick.
{2760}{2927}Now, sir, give I this advice to thee:|Never, never, never trust thine enemy.
{2926}{2956}Agh!
{2961}{3085}Aaaaaagh!
{3162}{3256}Thy life is forfeit, sir...|Aaagh...
{3299}{3453}Thy life is forfeit, sir, and at an end,|like our poor play.
{3453}{3529}We hope it pleased you, friends.
{3531}{3646}Certainly not, you murdering rotter!|Guards, arrest that man!
{3647}{3762}- Your Highness, it's only a play.|- What about the poor fellow who's dead?
{3764}{3882}Saying "it's only a play" will not feed and clothe|the little ones he leaves behind.
Call the militia!
{3883}{3977}Sir, he's not dead.|See, he stands, awaiting your applause.
{3978}{4062}Oh, I say, that's very clever.|He really isn't dead.
{4065}{4136}Bravo!
Bravo!
{4147}{4278}- Blast, the Prince likes it!|- Shit, we'll close tonight.
{4279}{4380}Work for the weavers!
Smash the Spinning Jenny!
{4381}{4501}Burn the Rolling Rosalind!
Destroy the Going Up|and Down a Bit and then Moving Along Gertrude!
{4502}{4576}And death to the stupid Prince|who grows fat on the profits!
{4579}{4721}I say, how exciting!|This play's getting better and better!
Bravo!
{4721}{4828}It's not a play any more, sir.
{4829}{4940}Put the bomb down|and make your way quietly to the exit.
{4942}{5079}Blackadder, your problem is, you can't tell|when something's real and when it's not.
{5109}{5187}I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave.
{5190}{5362}Why on earth would an anarchist|possibly want to kill "you"?
{5367}{5498}- I think it might've been you he was after, sir.|- Hogwash!
What on earth makes you say that?
{5498}{5647}Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use|of the words "Death to the stupid Prince".
{5647}{5691}It was a bit rude, wasn't it?
{5695}{5819}These are volatile times, Your Highness.
The|American Revolution lost your father the Colonies, {5819}{5945}the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis|and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia, {5946}{6037}although that might be something to do|with the sausages.
{6039}{6183}The whole world cries out, "Peace, freedom,|and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie".
{6183}{6263}Well, yes, quite, something must be done.|Any ideas?
{6265}{6370}Yes, sir.
Next week|is your royal father's birthday celebrations.
{6372}{6465}I suggest that I write a brilliant speech|for you to recite, {6467}{6596}to show the oppressed masses|how unusually sensitive you are.
{6596}{6676}Tell me about these "oppressed masses",|what are they so worked up about?
{6679}{6725}Because they are so poor, {6729}{6888}they are forced to have children simply to provide|a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas.
{6931}{7111}Disease and depravation stalk our land|like...
two giant stalking things.
{7104}{7238}- And the working man is poised to overthrow us.|- Oh my God, and here he is!
{7238}{7367}- Don't be silly, sir.
That's Baldrick, my dogsbody.|- He looks like an oppressed mass to me.
{7368}{7453}- Get him out of here at once!|- Shoo, Baldrick, carry on cleaning elsewhere.
{7455}{7603}By the end of tonight, I want that dining table|so clean I can eat my dinner off it.
{7626}{7705}Crikey, Blackadder, I'm dicing with death here.
{7707}{7806}The sooner I can show|how unusually sensitive I am, the better.
{7808}{7910}- Oh, I just had another brilliant thought.|- Another one, Your Highness?
{7911}{7961}Yes, another one, actually!
{7965}{8097}You remember that one I had about wearing|underwear on the outside to save on laundry bills?
{8098}{8231}Why don't we ask those two actors we saw tonight|to teach me how to recite your speech?
{8231}{8293}- Brilliant, eh?|- No, Your Highness, feeble.
{8296}{8329}What?
{8334}{8397}I would advise against it.
It's a feeble idea.
{8400}{8502}Well, tish and pish to your advice, Blackadder!|Get them here at once!
{8503}{8579}I'm fed up with you treating me|as if I'm some kind of thickie.
{8582}{8695}It's not me that's thick, it's you!|I'm the bloody Prince and you're only a butler.
{8696}{8877}Now go and get those actors here this minute,|Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky.
{9059}{9191}- Mrs Miggins, I'm looking for a couple of actors.|- Well, you've come to the right place, Mr B.
{9191}{9313}There's more Shakespearian dialogue in here|than there are buns.
{9314}{9437}All my lovely actors pop in on their way|to rehearsals for a little cup of coffee {9438}{9499}and a big dollop of inspiration.
{9502}{9661}You mean they actually rehearse?
I thought they|got drunk, stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck.
{9660}{9848}Oh, no!
There's ever so much hard work that goes|into the wonderful magic that is theatre today.
{9846}{10021}Still I don't expect you'd know much about that,|being only a little butler.
{10024}{10138}They do say, Mrs M,|that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain.
{10139}{10329}They are of course wrong, as you'll soon discover|when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
{10324}{10425}Ladies and gentlemen,|will you please welcome Mr David Keanrick.
{10427}{10545}- And the fabulous Mr Enoch Mossop.|- Hurrah!
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
{10546}{10635}Settle down, settle down, settle down.|I'm sorry, no autographs.
{10637}{10726}- The usual, Mrs M.|- Coming up, my lovely.
{10728}{10859}Well, if I can just squeeze through|this admiring rabble.
{10868}{10932}Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.
{10935}{11054}How dare you, sir.
You think just because|we're actors we sleep with everyone.
{11055}{11131}I think, being actors,|you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
{11134}{11258}I come here on behalf of my employer,|to ask for some elocution lessons.
{11258}{11412}I fear, sir, that is quite impossible.
We are|in the middle of rehearsing our new play.
{11412}{11510}We could not possibly betray our beloved audience|by taking time off.
{11512}{11653}Oh no, mustn't upset the punters.|Bums on seats, laddie, bums on seats.
{11653}{11722}And what play is this?
{11725}{11784}It is a piece we penned ourselves, {11787}{11973}called "The Bloody Murder of the Foul Prince|Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife".
{11971}{12041}A philosophical work, then.
{12044}{12082}Indeed yes, sir.
{12086}{12238}The violence of the murder and the vastness of|the bosom are entirely justified artistically.
{12238}{12317}- Right, I'll tell the Prince that you can't make it.|- Prince?
{12319}{12426}Sorry, yes, didn't I mention that?|It's the Prince Regent.
Shame you can't make it.
{12428}{12506}No, no, no, please, no.
Please wait, sir.
{12508}{12550}Off, off!
{12554}{12690}- I think we can find some time, Mr Keanrick.|- Definitely, Mr Mossop.
{12691}{12757}No, you've got your beloved audience|to think about.
{12760}{12904}- Sod the proles!
We'll come.|- Yes, worthless bastards to a man.
{12904}{13014}It's nice to see artistic integrity|thriving so strongly in the acting community.
{13015}{13105}This afternoon at four, then, at the Palace.
{13159}{13274}- Well, what do you think?|- Are you ill or something?
{13275}{13340}No, I'm simply trying to look more like an actor.
{13343}{13433}- I'm sure you don't need the false moustache.|- No?
{13435}{13503}Ow!
{13503}{13610}Egads, it's that oppressed mass again!
{13611}{13688}That is Baldrick spring cleaning.
{13691}{13723}Oh yes, so it is.
{13728}{13829}- Finish the job later, Baldrick.|- The cleaning or the being strangled?
{13830}{13919}Either suits me.
{13929}{14057}This is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it?
Are you sure|we can even trust these acting fellows?
{14058}{14188}Last time, three of them murdered Julius Caesar,|and one of them was his best friend Brutus.
{14188}{14383}As I've told you about eight times, the man|playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp.
{14381}{14421}- Really?|- Yes.
{14425}{14537}Thundering gherkins!
Brutus must have been|pretty miffed when he found out.
{14538}{14573}What?
{14577}{14666}That he hadn't killed Caesar after all,|just some poxy actor called Kemp.
{14669}{14748}Do you think he went to Caesar's place|after the play and killed him then?
{14750}{14839}Oh, God, it's pathetic!
{14960}{15067}- Is that the door?|- Don't worry, it's just the actors.
{15073}{15209}My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.|It was called Macbeth.
{15210}{15346}- And what did he play?|- Second codpiece.
{15346}{15439}Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
{15441}{15574}So he was a stunt codpiece?
{15585}{15701}Did he have a large part?
{15744}{15809}Depends who's playing Macbeth.
{15812}{15893}Incidentally, Baldrick, actors are very superstitious.
{15896}{16000}On no account mention the word "Macbeth"|this evening, all right?
{16001}{16068}It brings them bad luck|and it makes them very unhappy.
{16071}{16176}- Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either?|- No.
{16178}{16277}Well, not very often.
{16278}{16325}You should have knocked.
{16329}{16479}Our knocks, impertinent butler,|were loud enough to wake the hounds of hell.
{16479}{16589}- Lead on, McDuff.|- I shall.
{16658}{16778}Lest you continue in your quotation|and mention the name of the Scottish play.
{16779}{16874}Never fear, I shan't do that.
{16876}{16980}By the Scottish play,|I assume you mean Macbeth.
{16981}{17079}Hot potato,|off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{17081}{17181}- What was that?|- We were exorcising evil spirits.
{17183}{17279}Being but a mere butler,|you will not know the great theatre tradition {17281}{17379}that one does never speak|the name of the Scottish play.
{17380}{17426}What, Macbeth?
{17430}{17510}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{17513}{17595}You mean you have to do that|every time I say "Macbeth"?
{17597}{17719}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{17720}{17846}Will you please stop saying that!|Always call it "the Scottish play".
{17847}{17898}- You want me to say "the Scottish Play"?|- Yes!
{17901}{17948}Rather than "Macbeth"?
{17952}{18029}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{18032}{18149}For heaven's sake, what is all this hullabaloo,|all this shouting and yelling blue murder?
{18150}{18218}It's like that play we saw the other day,|what was it called?
{18221}{18254}Macbeth, sir.
{18258}{18356}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{18358}{18485}- No, no, it was called Julius Caesar.|- Ah yes, of course, Julius Caesar.
{18486}{18524}Not Macbeth.
{18528}{18641}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{18642}{18772}- Are you sure you want these people to stay?|- I asked them, didn't I, Mr Thicky Butler.
{18772}{18874}Your Royal Highness, may I say|what a great honour it is to be invited?
{18876}{18921}- Why certainly.|- Thank you.
{18925}{19002}What a great honour|it is to be invited here {19005}{19149}to make merry, in the halls|of our King's loins' most glorious outpouring.
{19148}{19179}Ugh!
{19184}{19274}Now, Your Highness,|shall we begin straight away?
{19276}{19363}- Now, I've got this...|- Before we inspect the script, {19365}{19462}let us have a look at stance.
{19464}{19574}The ordinary fellow stands like,|well, as you do now.
{19575}{19691}Whereas your hero...
stands thus.
{19692}{19760}Right, sort of like this...
{19763}{19838}Excellent, Your Highness.
Even more so...
{19841}{19905}Like that?
{19987}{20067}- What was that noise?|- It wasn't me.
{20069}{20138}We are used to standing in this position.
{20187}{20271}It came from over here.
{20274}{20324}- Anarchist!|- Cleaner!
{20327}{20430}So you've had a wash, that's no excuse!
{20432}{20528}- That is Baldrick spring cleaning.|- But look, he's got a bomb!
{20530}{20605}It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge.
{20607}{20744}So it is.|Get it out of here at once before it explodes.
{20745}{20825}Now, stance.
I'm sorry about that.|I think we really had something there.
{20827}{20979}Yes, Your Highness.
Your very posture|tells me "Here is a man of true greatness".
{20979}{21095}Either that, or|"Here are my genitals, please kick them".
{21118}{21275}Sir, I really must ask that this ill-educated oaf|be removed from the room.
{21274}{21447}Get out!
Your presence here is as useful as fine|bone china at a tea-party for drunken elephants.
{21446}{21555}Is that right?
Well, yes, get out Blackadder,|and stop corking our juices.
{21556}{21678}Certainly, Your Highness.|I'll leave you to dribble in private.
{21726}{21820}- Something wrong, Mr B?|- I've had it up to here with that Prince.
{21822}{21914}- One more insult, and I'll hand in my notice.|- Does that mean I'll be butler?
{21916}{22091}Not unless some kindly surgeon cuts your head|open with a spade and sticks a new brain in it.
{22090}{22228}I don't know why I put up with it.|Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party {22228}{22362}I have to wear the red nose for winning the|"Who's got the stupidest master" competition.
{22362}{22437}All I can say is, he'd better watch out!
{22440}{22552}One more foot wrong and the contract between us|will be as broken as this milk-jug.
{22553}{22695}- But that milk-jug isn't broken.|- You really do walk into these things.
{22824}{22916}Excellent.
And now, sir, at last, the speech.
{22918}{22987}Right.
{23018}{23152}No, Your Royal Highness.|What have you forgotten?
{23152}{23211}If I stand any more heroically than this, {23215}{23314}I'm in danger of|seriously disappointing my future Queen.
{23315}{23434}No, Your Highness,|not the stance, the "roar".
{23435}{23523}- You want me to roar?|- Of course we wish you to roar.
{23526}{23668}All great orators roar before commencing|their speeches.
It is the way of things.
{23668}{23767}Mr Keanrick, from your Hamlet, please.
{23793}{23989}Ooooooo, to be or not to be.
{23993}{24070}From your Julius Caesar.
{24072}{24275}Ooooooo, friends, Romans, countrymen...
{24273}{24382}From your leading character,|in a play connected with Scotland.
{24383}{24451}That's Macbeth, isn't it?
{24454}{24576}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{24688}{24836}Let's all roar together, shall we?|One, two, three...
{24836}{24943}Oooooooo!
{24944}{25116}Excellent, Your Highness.|Now, shall we try putting it all together?
{25148}{25259}Rooooaaarr!
Unaccustomed as I am...
{25260}{25343}No, no, no.
{25358}{25507}Alas, I fear you mew it like a frightened tree.
{25506}{25629}May I see the speech?
{25798}{25919}Who wrote this drivel?
{25960}{26058}Is there a problem with the speech?
{26060}{26170}Well, yes, there is a problem, actually.|The problem is that you wrote it, {26171}{26342}Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-|Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed!
{26425}{26504}Whoops!
{26559}{26615}Shall I get their supper, sir?
{26618}{26720}Yes, preferably something that has first passed|through the digestive system of the cat.
{26722}{26798}- And you'll have to take it up yourself.|- Why?
{26801}{26926}Because I'm leaving, Baldrick.|I'm about to enter the job market.
{26926}{27037}Right, let's see.
Situations vacant: {27038}{27203}Mr and Mrs Pitt are looking for a baby-minder|to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament.
{27202}{27320}Some fellow called George Stevenson|has invented a moving kettle, {27321}{27434}wants someone to help with the marketing.|Oh, there's a foreign opportunity here.
{27436}{27546}Treacherous, malicious,|unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, {27547}{27666}wanted to be King of Sardinia.|No time wasters, please.
{27667}{27866}Apply to: Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris.|Right!
We're on our way!
{27895}{28006}Oh, sir, about costume...
Any thoughts?
{28007}{28108}Well, enormous trousers, certainly, {28110}{28270}and perhaps an Admiral's uniform, because|we know what all the nice girls love, don't we?
{28266}{28362}I'll tell you what,|why don't I go and try them on for you?
{28364}{28527}Help yourselves to wine.
You'll need a stiff drink|when you see the size of these damn trousers.
{28522}{28612}- Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening!|- You're so right, love.
{28615}{28699}Look, while he's gone,|why don't we have a quick read-through of {28701}{28776}"The Murder of Prince Romero|and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife"?
{28779}{28831}Act 1, Scene 1?
{28834}{28963}"Spring has come, with all its gentle showers.|Methinks it's time to hack the Prince to death."
{28964}{29106}Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will|miss your honest and friendly companionship.
{29106}{29143}Ah, thank you, Mr B.
{29147}{29225}But as we both know, it'd be an utter lie.
{29227}{29376}I will therefore confine myself to saying simply,|"Sod off", and if I ever meet you again, {29376}{29467}it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
{29469}{29599}Goodbye,|you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.
{29713}{29829}I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating|those badly chosen words.
{29830}{29952}I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you|could survive five minutes here without me.
{29953}{30056}Come on, Mr B, it's not as though we're gonna get|murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it?
{30057}{30111}Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
{30167}{30220}Coming!
{30223}{30354}{y:i}- Let's kill the Prince.|{y:i}- Who shall strike first?
{30355}{30504}Let me, and let this dagger's point|prick out his soft eyeball {30503}{30639}and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly.
{30640}{30697}Have you the stomach?
{30700}{30783}I have not killed him yet, sir, but when I do, {30785}{30889}I shall have the stomach and the liver, too, {30891}{31013}and the floppily-doppilies in their horrid glue.
{31014}{31114}What if a servant should hear us in our plotting?
{31115}{31258}Then shall we have servant sausages for tea.
{31258}{31403}And servant rissoles shall our supper be.
{31403}{31493}Murder!
Murder!
The Revolution's started!
{31495}{31552}- What?!|- A plot, a plot to kill you!
{31556}{31653}Ah, so you've come clean at last, have you,|you bloody little poor person.
{31654}{31724}Not me - the actors downstairs,|they're anarchists!
{31727}{31841}I heard them plotting.
They're gonna|poke out your liver, turn me into rissole, {31842}{31917}and then suck on your|exquisite floppily-doppilies.
{31920}{31982}- What are we going to do?|- Mr Blackadder says, {31985}{32051}"when the going gets tough,|the tough hide under the table".
{32054}{32158}- Blackadder, of course!
Where is he?|- He's in Sardinia.
{32160}{32233}- What?
Why?|- You were rude to him, so he left.
{32236}{32374}Oh no!
What a mad, blundering, incredibly|handsome young nincompoop I've been.
{32374}{32489}What are we to do?
If we go downstairs,|they'll chop us up and eat us alive.
{32490}{32565}We're doomed, doomed!
{32816}{32863}Good evening, Your Highness.
{32867}{32973}Four minutes and 22 seconds, Baldrick.|You owe me a groat.
{32974}{33053}Thank God you're here!|We desperately need you!
{33056}{33164}Who, me, sir?|Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky?
{33165}{33197}Oh tish!
{33202}{33267}Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-|Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed?
{33270}{33295}Yes, well...
{33300}{33403}Mr Brilliantly-Undervalued-Butler|who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight?
{33404}{33469}Take an extra thousand...
{33472}{33525}...guineas per month?
{33529}{33584}All right.
What's your problem?
{33587}{33680}The actors have turned out to be|vicious anarchists!
They intend to kill us all!
{33682}{33776}- What, are they going to bore us to death?|- No, stab us!
Baldrick overheard them.
{33778}{33834}- Are you sure they meant it, sir?|- Quite sure.
{33838}{33892}- How far apart were their legs?|- This far.
{33895}{33940}- And their nipples?|- That far.
{33944}{34005}- They meant it, all right.|- All right, sir, I'll see what I can do.
{34009}{34079}To torture him, I lust.
{34081}{34186}Let's singe his hair,|and up his nostrils...
{34188}{34275}...hot bananas thrust.
{34300}{34366}- Rehearsals going well, gentlemen?|- Begone!
{34369}{34485}A mere butler with the intellectual capacity|of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us.
{34486}{34677}Indeed yes, sir.
Your participation is as irritating|as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas.
{34675}{34784}Well, in that case,|I won't interrupt you any longer.
{34786}{34882}Sorry to disturb, gentlemen.
{34895}{34990}Blackadder, thank God you're safe!|Well, what happened?
{34992}{35092}Sir, there was no need to panic.|It was all perfectly straightforward.
{35093}{35247}They're traitors, sir.
They must be arrested,|brutally tortured and executed forthwith.
{35247}{35318}Bravo!
{35321}{35410}But Your Highness,|there's been a terrible mistake.
{35412}{35470}That's what they were bound to say, sir.
{35473}{35603}It was a play, sir, a play!
Look, all the words|you heard were written down on that page.
{35604}{35730}Text book stuff again, you see.
The criminals'|vanity always makes them make one tiny mistake.
{35730}{35872}Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy|printed and published in plain manuscript.
{35872}{35973}- Take them away!|- Mercy, we beg for mercy!
{35975}{36044}I have got only one thing to say to you...
Macbeth!
{36047}{36164}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
{36165}{36238}Well done, Bladder!
How can I ever thank you?
{36241}{36333}You can start by not calling me "Bladder", sir.|Macbeth!
{36335}{36425}Of course, Bladder.
No sooner said than done.|No hard feelings?
{36427}{36571}No, sir.
It's good to be back in the saddle.|Did I say saddle?
I meant harness.
{36571}{36675}Bravo!
So we're the best of friends|as ever we were.
Hurrah!
{36676}{36764}In fact, now that the evil Mossop and Keanrick|have got their comeuppance, {36766}{36895}the Drury Lane Theatre is free.
I thought we might|celebrate by staging a little play that I've written.
{36896}{37024}Excellent idea!
And with my new-found acting|skills, might there be a part in it for me?
{37024}{37083}I was hoping that you might play the title role.
{37087}{37156}What a roaringly good idea!|What's the play called?
{37159}{37307}"Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks|and Gets Pelted with Rancid Tomatoes" {37307}{37387}Excellent!
{1339}{1430}- No, I'm off to the theatre.|- Don't you like it, then?
{1433}{1592}No, I don't!
A lot of stupid actors strutting around|shouting, with their chests thrust out so far, {1591}{1682}you'd think their nipples were attached|to a pair of charging elephants!
{1684}{1780}And the worst thing about it|is having to go with Prince Mini-Brain!
{1782}{1831}- Doesn't he like it, either?|- He loves it.
{1834}{1895}The problem is|that he doesn't realise it's made up.
{1899}{2000}Last year, when Brutus was about|to kill Julius Caesar, the Prince yelled out, {2001}{2065}"Look behind you, Mr Caesar!"
{2069}{2211}I can't see the point in the theatre.
All that sex|and violence - I get enough of that at home.
{2211}{2289}Except for the sex, of course.
{2291}{2444}I want you to give this palace a good clean.
It's|so dirty, it'd be unacceptable to a dung-beetle {2444}{2548}that had lost interest in its career|and really let itself go.
{2549}{2605}Come on, Blackadder,|or we'll miss the first act!
{2609}{2691}Coming, sir, as fast as I can!
{2693}{2757}Stick the kettle on, Baldrick.
{2760}{2927}Now, sir, give I this advice to thee:|Never, never, never trust thine enemy.
{2926}{2956}Agh!
{2961}{3085}Aaaaaagh!
{3162}{3256}Thy life is forfeit, sir...|Aaagh...
{3299}{3453}Thy life is forfeit, sir, and at an end,|like our poor play.
{3453}{3529}We hope it pleased you, friends.
{3531}{3646}Certainly not, you murdering rotter!|Guards, arrest that man!
{3647}{3762}- Your Highness, it's only a play.|- What about the poor fellow who's dead?
{3764}{3882}Saying "it's only a play" will not feed and clothe|the little ones he leaves behind.
Call the militia!
{3883}{3977}Sir, he's not dead.|See, he stands, awaiting your applause.
{3978}{4062}Oh, I say, that's very clever.|He really isn't dead.
{4065}{4136}Bravo!
Bravo!
{4147}{4278}- Blast, the Prince likes it!|- Shit, we'll close tonight.
{4279}{4380}Work for the weavers!
Smash the Spinning Jenny!
{4381}{4501}Burn the Rolling Rosalind!
Destroy the Going Up|and Down a Bit and then Moving Along Gertrude!
{4502}{4576}And death to the stupid Prince|who grows fat on the profits!
{4579}{4721}I say, how exciting!|This play's getting better and better!
Bravo!
{4721}{4828}It's not a play any more, sir.
{4829}{4940}Put the bomb down|and make your way quietly to the exit.
{4942}{5079}Blackadder, your problem is, you can't tell|when something's real and when it's not.
{5109}{5187}I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave.
{5190}{5362}Why on earth would an anarchist|possibly want to kill "you"?
{5367}{5498}- I think it might've been you he was after, sir.|- Hogwash!
What on earth makes you say that?
{5498}{5647}Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use|of the words "Death to the stupid Prince".
{5647}{5691}It was a bit rude, wasn't it?
{5695}{5819}These are volatile times, Your Highness.
The|American Revolution lost your father the Colonies, {5819}{5945}the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis|and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia, {5946}{6037}although that might be something to do|with the sausages.
{6039}{6183}The whole world cries out, "Peace, freedom,|and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie".
{6183}{6263}Well, yes, quite, something must be done.|Any ideas?
{6265}{6370}Yes, sir.
Next week|is your royal father's birthday celebrations.
{6372}{6465}I suggest that I write a brilliant speech|for you to recite, {6467}{6596}to show the oppressed masses|how unusually sensitive you are.
{6596}{6676}Tell me about these "oppressed masses",|what are they so worked up about?
{6679}{6725}Because they are so poor, {6729}{6888}they are forced to have children simply to provide|a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas.
{6931}{7111}Disease and depravation stalk our land|like...
two giant stalking things.
{7104}{7238}- And the working man is poised to overthrow us.|- Oh my God, and here he is!
{7238}{7367}- Don't be silly, sir.
That's Baldrick, my dogsbody.|- He looks like an oppressed mass to me.
{7368}{7453}- Get him out of here at once!|- Shoo, Baldrick, carry on cleaning elsewhere.
{7455}{7603}By the end of tonight, I want that dining table|so clean I can eat my dinner off it.
{7626}{7705}Crikey, Blackadder, I'm dicing with death here.
{7707}{7806}The sooner I can show|how unusually sensitive I am, the better.
{7808}{7910}- Oh, I just had another brilliant thought.|- Another one, Your Highness?
{7911}{7961}Yes, another one, actually!
{7965}{8097}You remember that one I had about wearing|underwear on the outside to save on laundry bills?
{8098}{8231}Why don't we ask those two actors we saw tonight|to teach me how to recite your speech?
{8231}{8293}- Brilliant, eh?|- No, Your Highness, feeble.
{8296}{8329}What?
{8334}{8397}I would advise against it.
It's a feeble idea.
{8400}{8502}Well, tish and pish to your advice, Blackadder!|Get them here at once!
{8503}{8579}I'm fed up with you treating me|as if I'm some kind of thickie.
{8582}{8695}It's not me that's thick, it's you!|I'm the bloody Prince and you're only a butler.
{8696}{8877}Now go and get those actors here this minute,|Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky.
{9059}{9191}- Mrs Miggins, I'm looking for a couple of actors.|- Well, you've come to the right place, Mr B.
{9191}{9313}There's more Shakespearian dialogue in here|than there are buns.
{9314}{9437}All my lovely actors pop in on their way|to rehearsals for a little cup of coffee {9438}{9499}and a big dollop of inspiration.
{9502}{9661}You mean they actually rehearse?
I thought they|got drunk, stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck.
{9660}{9848}Oh, no!
There's ever so much hard work that goes|into the wonderful magic that is theatre today.
{9846}{10021}Still I don't expect you'd know much about that,|being only a little butler.
{10024}{10138}They do say, Mrs M,|that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain.
{10139}{10329}They are of course wrong, as you'll soon discover|when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
{10324}{10425}Ladies and gentlemen,|will you please welcome Mr David Keanrick.
{10427}{10545}- And the fabulous Mr Enoch Mossop.|- Hurrah!
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
{10546}{10635}Settle down, settle down, settle down.|I'm sorry, no autographs.
{10637}{10726}- The usual, Mrs M.|- Coming up, my lovely.
{10728}{10859}Well, if I can just squeeze through|this admiring rabble.
{10868}{10932}Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.
{10935}{11054}How dare you, sir.
You think just because|we're actors we sleep with everyone.
{11055}{11131}I think, being actors,|you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
{11134}{11258}I come here on behalf of my employer,|to ask for some elocution lessons.
{11258}{11412}I fear, sir, that is quite impossible.
We are|in the middle of rehearsing our new play.
{11412}{11510}We could not possibly betray our beloved audience|by taking time off.
{11512}{11653}Oh no, mustn't upset the punters.|Bums on seats, laddie, bums on seats.
{11653}{11722}And what play is this?
{11725}{11784}It is a piece we penned ourselves, {11787}{11973}called "The Bloody Murder of the Foul Prince|Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife".
{11971}{12041}A philosophical work, then.
{12044}{12082}Indeed yes, sir.
{12086}{12238}The violence of the murder and the vastness of|the bosom are entirely justified artistically.
{12238}{12317}- Right, I'll tell the Prince that you can't make it.|- Prince?
{12319}{12426}Sorry, yes, didn't I mention that?|It's the Prince Regent.
Shame you can't make it.
{12428}{12506}No, no, no, please, no.
Please wait, sir.
{12508}{12550}Off, off!
{12554}{12690}- I think we can find some time, Mr Keanrick.|- Definitely, Mr Mossop.
{12691}{12757}No, you've got your beloved audience|to think about.
{12760}{12904}- Sod the proles!
We'll come.|- Yes, worthless bastards to a man.
{12904}{13014}It's nice to see artistic integrity|thriving so strongly in the acting community.
{13015}{13105}This afternoon at four, then, at the Palace.
{13159}{13274}- Well, what do you think?|- Are you ill or something?
{13275}{13340}No, I'm simply trying to look more like an actor.
{13343}{13433}- I'm sure you don't need the false moustache.|- No?
{13435}{13503}Ow!
{13503}{13610}Egads, it's that oppressed mass again!
{13611}{13688}That is Baldrick spring cleaning.
{13691}{13723}Oh yes, so it is.
{13728}{13829}- Finish the job later, Baldrick.|- The cleaning or the being strangled?
{13830}{13919}Either suits me.
{13929}{14057}This is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it?
Are you sure|we can even trust these acting fellows?
{14058}{14188}Last time, three of them murdered Julius Caesar,|and one of them was his best friend Brutus.
{14188}{14383}As I've told you about eight times, the man|playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp.
{14381}{14421}- Really?|- Yes.
{14425}{14537}Thundering gherkins!
Brutus must have been|pretty miffed when he found out.
{14538}{14573}What?
{14577}{14666}That he hadn't killed Caesar after all,|just some poxy actor called Kemp.
{14669}{14748}Do you think he went to Caesar's place|after the play and killed him then?
{14750}{14839}Oh, God, it's pathetic!
{14960}{15067}- Is that the door?|- Don't worry, it's just the actors.
{15073}{15209}My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.|It was called Macbeth.
{15210}{15346}- And what did he play?|- Second codpiece.
{15346}{15439}Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
{15441}{15574}So he was a stunt codpiece?
{15585}{15701}Did he have a large part?
{15744}{15809}Depends who's playing Macbeth.
{15812}{15893}Incidentally, Baldrick, actors are very superstitious.
{15896}{16000}On no account mention the word "Macbeth"|this evening, all right?
{16001}{16068}It brings them bad luck|and it makes them very unhappy.
{16071}{16176}- Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either?|- No.
{16178}{16277}Well, not very often.
{16278}{16325}You should have knocked.
{16329}{16479}Our knocks, impertinent butler,|were loud enough to wake the hounds of hell.
{16479}{16589}- Lead on, McDuff.|- I shall.
{16658}{16778}Lest you continue in your quotation|and mention the name of the Scottish play.
{16779}{16874}Never fear, I shan't do that.
{16876}{16980}By the Scottish play,|I assume you mean Macbeth.
{16981}{17079}Hot potato,|off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{17081}{17181}- What was that?|- We were exorcising evil spirits.
{17183}{17279}Being but a mere butler,|you will not know the great theatre tradition {17281}{17379}that one does never speak|the name of the Scottish play.
{17380}{17426}What, Macbeth?
{17430}{17510}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{17513}{17595}You mean you have to do that|every time I say "Macbeth"?
{17597}{17719}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{17720}{17846}Will you please stop saying that!|Always call it "the Scottish play".
{17847}{17898}- You want me to say "the Scottish Play"?|- Yes!
{17901}{17948}Rather than "Macbeth"?
{17952}{18029}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{18032}{18149}For heaven's sake, what is all this hullabaloo,|all this shouting and yelling blue murder?
{18150}{18218}It's like that play we saw the other day,|what was it called?
{18221}{18254}Macbeth, sir.
{18258}{18356}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{18358}{18485}- No, no, it was called Julius Caesar.|- Ah yes, of course, Julius Caesar.
{18486}{18524}Not Macbeth.
{18528}{18641}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{18642}{18772}- Are you sure you want these people to stay?|- I asked them, didn't I, Mr Thicky Butler.
{18772}{18874}Your Royal Highness, may I say|what a great honour it is to be invited?
{18876}{18921}- Why certainly.|- Thank you.
{18925}{19002}What a great honour|it is to be invited here {19005}{19149}to make merry, in the halls|of our King's loins' most glorious outpouring.
{19148}{19179}Ugh!
{19184}{19274}Now, Your Highness,|shall we begin straight away?
{19276}{19363}- Now, I've got this...|- Before we inspect the script, {19365}{19462}let us have a look at stance.
{19464}{19574}The ordinary fellow stands like,|well, as you do now.
{19575}{19691}Whereas your hero...
stands thus.
{19692}{19760}Right, sort of like this...
{19763}{19838}Excellent, Your Highness.
Even more so...
{19841}{19905}Like that?
{19987}{20067}- What was that noise?|- It wasn't me.
{20069}{20138}We are used to standing in this position.
{20187}{20271}It came from over here.
{20274}{20324}- Anarchist!|- Cleaner!
{20327}{20430}So you've had a wash, that's no excuse!
{20432}{20528}- That is Baldrick spring cleaning.|- But look, he's got a bomb!
{20530}{20605}It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge.
{20607}{20744}So it is.|Get it out of here at once before it explodes.
{20745}{20825}Now, stance.
I'm sorry about that.|I think we really had something there.
{20827}{20979}Yes, Your Highness.
Your very posture|tells me "Here is a man of true greatness".
{20979}{21095}Either that, or|"Here are my genitals, please kick them".
{21118}{21275}Sir, I really must ask that this ill-educated oaf|be removed from the room.
{21274}{21447}Get out!
Your presence here is as useful as fine|bone china at a tea-party for drunken elephants.
{21446}{21555}Is that right?
Well, yes, get out Blackadder,|and stop corking our juices.
{21556}{21678}Certainly, Your Highness.|I'll leave you to dribble in private.
{21726}{21820}- Something wrong, Mr B?|- I've had it up to here with that Prince.
{21822}{21914}- One more insult, and I'll hand in my notice.|- Does that mean I'll be butler?
{21916}{22091}Not unless some kindly surgeon cuts your head|open with a spade and sticks a new brain in it.
{22090}{22228}I don't know why I put up with it.|Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party {22228}{22362}I have to wear the red nose for winning the|"Who's got the stupidest master" competition.
{22362}{22437}All I can say is, he'd better watch out!
{22440}{22552}One more foot wrong and the contract between us|will be as broken as this milk-jug.
{22553}{22695}- But that milk-jug isn't broken.|- You really do walk into these things.
{22824}{22916}Excellent.
And now, sir, at last, the speech.
{22918}{22987}Right.
{23018}{23152}No, Your Royal Highness.|What have you forgotten?
{23152}{23211}If I stand any more heroically than this, {23215}{23314}I'm in danger of|seriously disappointing my future Queen.
{23315}{23434}No, Your Highness,|not the stance, the "roar".
{23435}{23523}- You want me to roar?|- Of course we wish you to roar.
{23526}{23668}All great orators roar before commencing|their speeches.
It is the way of things.
{23668}{23767}Mr Keanrick, from your Hamlet, please.
{23793}{23989}Ooooooo, to be or not to be.
{23993}{24070}From your Julius Caesar.
{24072}{24275}Ooooooo, friends, Romans, countrymen...
{24273}{24382}From your leading character,|in a play connected with Scotland.
{24383}{24451}That's Macbeth, isn't it?
{24454}{24576}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
Ow!
{24688}{24836}Let's all roar together, shall we?|One, two, three...
{24836}{24943}Oooooooo!
{24944}{25116}Excellent, Your Highness.|Now, shall we try putting it all together?
{25148}{25259}Rooooaaarr!
Unaccustomed as I am...
{25260}{25343}No, no, no.
{25358}{25507}Alas, I fear you mew it like a frightened tree.
{25506}{25629}May I see the speech?
{25798}{25919}Who wrote this drivel?
{25960}{26058}Is there a problem with the speech?
{26060}{26170}Well, yes, there is a problem, actually.|The problem is that you wrote it, {26171}{26342}Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-|Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed!
{26425}{26504}Whoops!
{26559}{26615}Shall I get their supper, sir?
{26618}{26720}Yes, preferably something that has first passed|through the digestive system of the cat.
{26722}{26798}- And you'll have to take it up yourself.|- Why?
{26801}{26926}Because I'm leaving, Baldrick.|I'm about to enter the job market.
{26926}{27037}Right, let's see.
Situations vacant: {27038}{27203}Mr and Mrs Pitt are looking for a baby-minder|to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament.
{27202}{27320}Some fellow called George Stevenson|has invented a moving kettle, {27321}{27434}wants someone to help with the marketing.|Oh, there's a foreign opportunity here.
{27436}{27546}Treacherous, malicious,|unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, {27547}{27666}wanted to be King of Sardinia.|No time wasters, please.
{27667}{27866}Apply to: Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris.|Right!
We're on our way!
{27895}{28006}Oh, sir, about costume...
Any thoughts?
{28007}{28108}Well, enormous trousers, certainly, {28110}{28270}and perhaps an Admiral's uniform, because|we know what all the nice girls love, don't we?
{28266}{28362}I'll tell you what,|why don't I go and try them on for you?
{28364}{28527}Help yourselves to wine.
You'll need a stiff drink|when you see the size of these damn trousers.
{28522}{28612}- Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening!|- You're so right, love.
{28615}{28699}Look, while he's gone,|why don't we have a quick read-through of {28701}{28776}"The Murder of Prince Romero|and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife"?
{28779}{28831}Act 1, Scene 1?
{28834}{28963}"Spring has come, with all its gentle showers.|Methinks it's time to hack the Prince to death."
{28964}{29106}Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will|miss your honest and friendly companionship.
{29106}{29143}Ah, thank you, Mr B.
{29147}{29225}But as we both know, it'd be an utter lie.
{29227}{29376}I will therefore confine myself to saying simply,|"Sod off", and if I ever meet you again, {29376}{29467}it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
{29469}{29599}Goodbye,|you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.
{29713}{29829}I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating|those badly chosen words.
{29830}{29952}I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you|could survive five minutes here without me.
{29953}{30056}Come on, Mr B, it's not as though we're gonna get|murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it?
{30057}{30111}Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
{30167}{30220}Coming!
{30223}{30354}{y:i}- Let's kill the Prince.|{y:i}- Who shall strike first?
{30355}{30504}Let me, and let this dagger's point|prick out his soft eyeball {30503}{30639}and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly.
{30640}{30697}Have you the stomach?
{30700}{30783}I have not killed him yet, sir, but when I do, {30785}{30889}I shall have the stomach and the liver, too, {30891}{31013}and the floppily-doppilies in their horrid glue.
{31014}{31114}What if a servant should hear us in our plotting?
{31115}{31258}Then shall we have servant sausages for tea.
{31258}{31403}And servant rissoles shall our supper be.
{31403}{31493}Murder!
Murder!
The Revolution's started!
{31495}{31552}- What?!|- A plot, a plot to kill you!
{31556}{31653}Ah, so you've come clean at last, have you,|you bloody little poor person.
{31654}{31724}Not me - the actors downstairs,|they're anarchists!
{31727}{31841}I heard them plotting.
They're gonna|poke out your liver, turn me into rissole, {31842}{31917}and then suck on your|exquisite floppily-doppilies.
{31920}{31982}- What are we going to do?|- Mr Blackadder says, {31985}{32051}"when the going gets tough,|the tough hide under the table".
{32054}{32158}- Blackadder, of course!
Where is he?|- He's in Sardinia.
{32160}{32233}- What?
Why?|- You were rude to him, so he left.
{32236}{32374}Oh no!
What a mad, blundering, incredibly|handsome young nincompoop I've been.
{32374}{32489}What are we to do?
If we go downstairs,|they'll chop us up and eat us alive.
{32490}{32565}We're doomed, doomed!
{32816}{32863}Good evening, Your Highness.
{32867}{32973}Four minutes and 22 seconds, Baldrick.|You owe me a groat.
{32974}{33053}Thank God you're here!|We desperately need you!
{33056}{33164}Who, me, sir?|Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky?
{33165}{33197}Oh tish!
{33202}{33267}Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-|Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed?
{33270}{33295}Yes, well...
{33300}{33403}Mr Brilliantly-Undervalued-Butler|who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight?
{33404}{33469}Take an extra thousand...
{33472}{33525}...guineas per month?
{33529}{33584}All right.
What's your problem?
{33587}{33680}The actors have turned out to be|vicious anarchists!
They intend to kill us all!
{33682}{33776}- What, are they going to bore us to death?|- No, stab us!
Baldrick overheard them.
{33778}{33834}- Are you sure they meant it, sir?|- Quite sure.
{33838}{33892}- How far apart were their legs?|- This far.
{33895}{33940}- And their nipples?|- That far.
{33944}{34005}- They meant it, all right.|- All right, sir, I'll see what I can do.
{34009}{34079}To torture him, I lust.
{34081}{34186}Let's singe his hair,|and up his nostrils...
{34188}{34275}...hot bananas thrust.
{34300}{34366}- Rehearsals going well, gentlemen?|- Begone!
{34369}{34485}A mere butler with the intellectual capacity|of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us.
{34486}{34677}Indeed yes, sir.
Your participation is as irritating|as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas.
{34675}{34784}Well, in that case,|I won't interrupt you any longer.
{34786}{34882}Sorry to disturb, gentlemen.
{34895}{34990}Blackadder, thank God you're safe!|Well, what happened?
{34992}{35092}Sir, there was no need to panic.|It was all perfectly straightforward.
{35093}{35247}They're traitors, sir.
They must be arrested,|brutally tortured and executed forthwith.
{35247}{35318}Bravo!
{35321}{35410}But Your Highness,|there's been a terrible mistake.
{35412}{35470}That's what they were bound to say, sir.
{35473}{35603}It was a play, sir, a play!
Look, all the words|you heard were written down on that page.
{35604}{35730}Text book stuff again, you see.
The criminals'|vanity always makes them make one tiny mistake.
{35730}{35872}Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy|printed and published in plain manuscript.
{35872}{35973}- Take them away!|- Mercy, we beg for mercy!
{35975}{36044}I have got only one thing to say to you...
Macbeth!
{36047}{36164}Hot potato, off his drawers,|pluck to make amends.
{36165}{36238}Well done, Bladder!
How can I ever thank you?
{36241}{36333}You can start by not calling me "Bladder", sir.|Macbeth!
{36335}{36425}Of course, Bladder.
No sooner said than done.|No hard feelings?
{36427}{36571}No, sir.
It's good to be back in the saddle.|Did I say saddle?
I meant harness.
{36571}{36675}Bravo!
So we're the best of friends|as ever we were.
Hurrah!
{36676}{36764}In fact, now that the evil Mossop and Keanrick|have got their comeuppance, {36766}{36895}the Drury Lane Theatre is free.
I thought we might|celebrate by staging a little play that I've written.
{36896}{37024}Excellent idea!
And with my new-found acting|skills, might there be a part in it for me?
{37024}{37083}I was hoping that you might play the title role.
{37087}{37156}What a roaringly good idea!|What's the play called?
{37159}{37307}"Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks|and Gets Pelted with Rancid Tomatoes" {37307}{37387}Excellent!