Émission TV: Will & Grace - 5x18

Oh, Will You're hot early I mean, you're here handsome I'm sorry Would you like some sex in your coffee?
You know, you learn a lot you get here early For instance, I was happy to learn that the woman who vacuums and the guy who empties the trash are having an affair I was not so happy to learn it was on my desk Do you want me to confirm your dinner reservation with Barry?
No, cancel it Barry and I are over You can cancel the weekend in Key West too I think I'd look a little pathetic in the pool having a splash fight with a blowup doll You know, I love Key West Yeah, well, pack your bags I'll bring the bubbly Oh, God, I can't breathe!
No, Connie, I can't-- All right, I'm here Terrific Everybody from The Matrix called They want their coat back I just wanted to make sure that you're okay after the whole Barry thing For the record I never liked him You liked him I did but he was no good for you He was perfect for me He kinda was Look, I'm fine We--we had like, what, two dates?
I spend more time on hold trying to vote for "American Idol."
I guess you're right I mean, it's not like you were planning weekend trips with him Yeah, that'd be pathetic Well, just so you know I'm here for you Just like you're always here for me What do you need?
I want to borrow your apartment this afternoon I'm making a sexy video to send to Leo Why do you have to use my apartment?
I want to be dirty in a clean place Well, just make sure you're clean in your dirty place Truman I want you to go help Short Margaret with her depositions and Black Margaret with her appeal They're in over their heads especially Short Margaret Would you do that for me...
Gay Will?
See ya Who are you?
Oh, I was just leaving And, uh, by the way Barry wasn't really that cute He was totally cute He was It was a major loss Stay strong Sorry about that, Mr.
Stein I was sort of dating someone and it didn't work out It's no big deal She's just very protective-- Mr.
Stein, what are you doing?
I recognize heartache My wife just left me Well, it was 15 years ago, but I'm reliving it because of these new meds I'm taking And if I remember correctly from our last uncomfortable hug that's a new shampoo too Come on let's go have a drink Sir, it's 8:00 in the morning We'll have some eggs too Hi, Leo It's me, Grace I thought I would make you a sexy video And why am I making this sexy video in Will's apartment?
Because things could get messy Emmm Ew, sour strawberry sour strawberry Oh, bad angle Hi, lover What the hell??
Aah!
What-- Jack, what are you doing here?!
I live here when Will's at work Well, get out I'm making a sexy videotape for Leo and I'm not going to do it with you in the room Sweetie, baby cookie, honey...
What you're sellin' I ain't buyin'.
Hi, Leo, I'm back I...
love to love you, baby...
Oh....
And cut Eating and singing?
Why don't you just sit on the toilet and pick at your feet?
Excuse me I think I know how to turn a man on I certainly didn't pass my driver's test by learning how to parallel park Sugar...
You're tryin' a little hard I am trying to be sexy But you don't have to try You're naturally sexy I mean, just like now Really?
Well, not now You know what the problem is?
You're too self-conscious You need to come to my acting class I've helped a lot of people lose their inhibitions and get in touch with their sexuality And by theirs I often mean mine Forget it I'm not taking tips from a man whose most notable credit is Shakespeare in the Pants A'ight, suit yourself But you watch that tape I think you'll find yourself a little stiff And you'll be the only one!
I really liked Barry Why didn't he like me?
Will, love is mysterious It's just like my wife always used to say "Stein, you're needy, pathetic and a rotten lover."
That doesn't make me feel any better How do you think it made me feel?
It's just that he's someone I could really see having a future with I wanted to come home to him every day and say "Hey, honey, what's for dinner?"
And he'd say "I don't feel like cooking Let's go out."
And I'd say, "We always go out Put down the scotch and pick up a wisk."
"Why are you crying now?!"
It's not sexy but it's what I grew up with Now, when you say "he," you're talking about a man Yes But Barry is a girl No...he's a man That's why they call you "Gay Will"!
Oh, hey, look who it is It's Will and Grace No, no, Karen Karen, Karen this is Mr.
Stein of Doucette and Stein / Oh Mr.
Stein, this is Karen Walker of drunk and delusional A pleasure to meet you Smitty, the usual So what are we celebrating?
Well, I'm afraid you've stumbled on a bit of a lonely hearts club Will and I were just swapping stories about lost loves Me and my wife he and his gal / Guy Guy Well, deal me in I've got a lifetime membership to the losers club.
Hm-mm I've been dumped by one-ton billionaires heads of state, and every member of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young but I'm not naming names What's so great about another person, huh?
All they do is manhandle your boobs and eat all the ham Yeah, and get hair gel on your pillow and rearrange your bedside figurines And cut your ties in half and make you call yourself "Nancy."
A toast...
love stinks How sad Hear Attention, please!
Attention!
Please take your seats Class is in session Thought for the day: Though the eyes are the windows to your soul the zipper is the window to your underwear Who is prepared to perform?
I am Ah, Joanne Always with your hand in the air One day that hand's gonna be up in the air on Broadway Perhaps in a musical perhaps just hailing a cab All right, what do you got?
I did some preparation for my audition this afternoon I'd like to get some thoughts That's what we're here for.
And action Thanks, Imodium Hm-mm, mm-hmm hm-mm.
All right Now, are you gonna wear your hair up or down?
Because you're trying to reach people with cramps, bloating and explosive diarrhea That, to me, says down All right, now-- Hi.
I'm--I'm sorry to interrupt Um, Jack, can I talk to you just for a sec?
Well, Grace whatever you have to say you can say it in front of my class We expose ourselves to each other every single day Ooh, that reminds me Russell, take off your shirt and tell your lawyer to stop calling me And scene Nice work Um, well, Jack I-I watched the tape and you were right I was kind of repulsive Oh, sweetie... "
Kind of"?
Do you really think that you could help me?
'Cause I'll do anything except whatever he did Sure, come on up here Come on up here.
Come on Hm-mm, uppity-up Now, we're gonna try something new today, class It is called "Improv," which is short for improving, okay?
Okay, Grace, are you ready?
Wow, I didn't realize I was gonna have to do this in front of so many people I mean, there's almost five of you here Now, whatever I throw at you you just do it, ok?
Are you ready?
And you're a cat Meow But sexy Meow You're walking in mud Meow?!
Not the cat, you Huh?
/ All right, forget it All right, let's-- This isn't working Let's try something a little more relatable Okay?
Um...
You're a mailbox But you're the sexiest mailbox ever / Ahh...
Who likes to dance...
An Irish jig...
With one leg, on fire underwater, who's sexy-- Where'd the cat go?!
Stop it!
I can't do this!
God, I'm so confused I'm a cat.
I'm a mailbox I'm a cat box Grace, Grace you've gotta be more patient I know I can help you through this When Russell first came to me he had no grasp of Pinter Now he grasps his Pinter every day Forget it I'll just get Leo tapes from that season on "Party of Five" when Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs grew 15 inches over two episodes Okay.
Welcome to the second meeting of the loser's club Let me get you a drink, sir Maybe I'll get some snacks while I'm at it Maybe some mozzarella sticks and a big pile of peanuts What the hell, I'm alone, right?
I might as well be fat and shiny They ain't love handles if nobody loves ya He's nice- Oh I love our little club Me too You know what I'd love more?
Tell me You and me making dirty on a squeaky cot You read my mind I just had a great idea Let's go to the video store and take all the romantic comedies and put them in the science fiction section To spite To spite My tongue is double-jointed What?
To spite To spite I...
love to love you, baby I~~~ Aaaahh!!
You sick, twisted freak!
No, no, no, no Let me explain!
You videotaped me in the shower?!
That is such a violation!
But-- I don't want to hear it!
You were sexy!
I'm listening!
I-I-I figured if you didn't know I was there, you'd be yourself And you were Watch the tape if you don't believe me You were free and uninhibited Oh, my God you were there for that part?
Don't...
Don't worry I'm going to score that section...
with violins...
and maybe a slide whistle for comedy That's not what it looked like!
I'm a very thorough soaper On the house Thank you very much We just got engaged You sure you wanna do that?
Yeah, I love him Sure, now Hell, I love him now But wait a minute and a half Let me tell you something Love is like a horse-drawn carriage ride It seems romantic at first but eventually you realize you're cold and you're staring at an ass that craps right in front of you Oh, my God, you're horrible!
Honey-- Come on, you were thinkin' it too Hey!
Where have you guys been?
You missed it I think I just broke up an engagement And they're young too Sorry we're late, Will Something came up I don't get it What's funny?
Well, things that come up are often funny, Will especially if they haven't come up since 1997 / Oh, stop it   Oh, look, look The engaged guy's flirting with the cocktail waitress Which one is he, hon?
He's right over there Oh, look, the fiancee's coming back I think she threw up Sweet!
Watch them and tell us what happens / Okay Ooh, they're fighting Oh, my God, I hope she slaps him Hey, I'm dry Where's the barkeep?
Sweetie, he's right behind you Oops!
Sorry I thought it was her Although it was nice Wait a minute Are you two-- Honey, that's what happens when an irresistible force meets an insane object But we-- we hate love That's our club slogan And it's the theme of our upcoming Annual Barn Dance.
Well, we were wrong, honey Love's good, especially the third time when you cut the oxygen off a little That was fantastic Mm-hmm I thought you were trying to kill me Stop this!
This flies in the face of everything we stand for!
You have to break up!
Oh, come on, Gay Will Aren't we allowed to be happy?
No!
No, we're not Love is a crapping horse!
All right, Joanne let's try it again And remember, you've been unjustly accused of adultery they've taken away your children and you've just now realized you're blind Blind, got it...
And action Today's winning Powerball numbers are 16, 53, 31, and 7 Okay All right I want you to bring it back to me again tomorrow But this time do it as if you're really, really...
good Now-- Ahh!
Don't kill me Jack, I'm not gonna kill you but I do need to talk to you Okay Class, take five That's showbiz lingo for I'll be back whenever I feel like it Let me just say this One-- what you did to me is completely unforgivable And two-- that tape was hot So we need to make another one for Leo 'cause I'm keeping this one So I helped you?
I guess you did Here's the key to my apartment I am usually in the tub around 8:00 So don't come then And next time I'm not going to shave my legs That part dragged a little That's the same feedback I've been getting too-- I mean, you think?
I...
love to love you, baby...
You will never believe who hooked up Alec Baldwin and Dennis Quaid?
I was just thinking about it in the shower Karen and Mr.
Stein Can you believe that?
It's like when Drunky met Crazy I don't know...
It's kind of nice Where are they registered the Jack Daniels distillery?
It's unnatural Pairing up never works When I build my ark, everyone's gonna get on one by one Single file, no talking!
Why do you care?
I don't!
It's just that if--if you're gonna join a lonely and bitter club you gotta at least stay bitter I was wondering what these buttons were about Why are you in this club?
Because I do care about Barry And I did plan a trip for the two of us I even baked him a world's best boyfriend cake Is it in the fridge?
I mean-- Oh, Will Why didn't you tell me?
I can't tell you stuff like that Why not?
Because you've got a guy now You know, before we were both losers We'd come home from our dates and we'd swap our loser stories Your date would turn out to be gay Mine would turn out to be straight We'd laugh about it and eat some cake Really, is it here?
Focus But now you got someone You're a winner A loser can't tell a winner a story Oh, sweetie, please I can be married 100 years and I will still be a loser I videotaped myself in the shower for God's sake Wow Is that what it takes to get you into a shower?
Really...
you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I think so You need me to stay over for a couple of days?
'Cause I can do it It'd be no problem at all Your apartment's a mess isn't it?
/ A total pigsty At this point it'd just be easier to move Will...
We have something to tell you My boyfriend, Mr.
Stein and I have decided to break up That's right, Will Romance comes every day but a little club like ours that's once in a lifetime So come on, let's go get a drink and just spit in love's eye You just spit in my eye, sir Well, as long as it makes you happy You know what, guys, it's fine Please, go back to doing whatever it was your meds led you to believe you were actually doing I think they're cute Who are you?
Am I the only one who sees her?
Well, Mr Stein...
Now that we have Will's blessing how would you like to go back to my plush suite at the Palace Hotel?
I don't know Now that it's not forbidden it doesn't seem as exciting anymore You're right Hey, let's go pick up another couple Awesome