Émission TV: Psych - 8x2
Previously on Psych...
So, the Mayor's decided to send over a consultant.
Mr.
Harris Trout.
I intend to save the taxpayers millions of dollars, by trimming the workforce into a new model of precision and efficiency.
Chief?
I got a six-month suspension.
But I have news for all of you...
I'm staying, and you know why?
Because you're the new interim Chief of Police.
Correct!
We'll no longer be hiring psychics, and you're no longer head detective.
I love you.
I love you too.
Now, as your new interim police chief I will guide you through this raid today, as we rid our city of another one of its drug-dealing washouts!
Where's my head detective?
Right here, sir.
I said, my head detective.
When I ask for a freshly demoted beat cop I'll expect you front and center, capisce?
Now loosen those blues.
Nobody needs to see you advertising your business to the whole community like that.
Now, one more time, where's my head detective?
Uh...
That's...
That's me.
I'm here.
Okay.
Detective O'Hara?
Now that you've been promoted to interim head detective, on rare occasions, I'll be depending on you.
This is not one of those occasions.
Now, in six minutes we're gonna be moving inside in two by two formations.
Yes, Gus, that's the point.
We need a new business venture.
Which means, I will be the motivational life coach, you'll be my booking agent and audience plant.
You don two hats.
I don't want to don two hats, Shawn.
Beret up front, you got a little beanie on the crown of your smooth chocolate thunder-dome!
You can't just become a life coach without life or coaching skills.
I got one of those words with the dots in-between the letters, encapsulates my philosophy.
It's called an acronym.
S-E-I-Z-E, that's seize.
Or as the Mayans called it, seize.
You do realize the letters are supposed to stand for something, right?
Guess what the "s" in seize stands for?
What? "
Seize."
You're an idiot.
We need to figure out a way to get on the case fast before Psych goes under.
Trout hates us.
And right now, we're not supposed to step foot in the station, much less a crime scene.
Your new legal name is Recap McGee.
Now, the perp inside that house is a very dangerous perp.
A lappet-faced vulture, a red necked ostrich, either way, in the analogy, it's molting.
Gotta figure out a way past these barricades, man.
I need a stage on which to display my skills in front of sour Trout there.
Let's go to dinner.
You don't have to ask me twice.
Hey, you.
Yeah, you.
I'm Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner, Trending on Twitter.
Hashtag, what would Gus do?
Couldn't help but notice the roses.
Yeah, it's my anniversary.
Super!
Well, you don't have to ask us once.
We would love to join you and your lovely wife for a six course dinner.
Well, they're not letting anyone pass, so...
Oh, no?
Sounds like somebody need to step up...
And seize. "
How do I seize, Shawn?"
I'll tell ya.
You go right over there and you let that jag-bag know there's absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, that is gonna keep you from wining and dining your wife and your new black and white best friends.
'Cause after we leave, she's gonna get handsy.
Yes, she is!
I don't know you.
No impending raid, no guns, no cops, nothing's gonna stop you!
Now, go!
Seize!
Seize!
Seize.
Yeah.
You got this, bro, you got this.
All right, listen up...
We're gonna have to move in from east to west.
Some of you may not know which way is east and which way is west.
That's okay.
That's west, that's east.
Excuse me, officer?
Seize!
Seize!
Seize!
Stop it!
Uh, listen, I...
My house is right there and it's my anniversary and...
And we're with him, Trout.
Old friends.
Officer Lassiter, arrest this man for interfering with a police investigation.
Kidding, we're not with this dude.
We just met the guy.
No.
I was just trying to get to my house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll be processed and released within the hour.
Well, maybe.
There's a good chance that one of you might die today...
Probably you, could be you.
Maybe you, but we don't know.
Oh, it's go time, daddy-o.
Okay, is everyone crystal clear now?
Yes, sir.
Okay, let's move.
Let's move, come on.
Uh, Chief?
Yeah.
I think we can call off the raid.
I've called you all down here for a good reason.
The raid that took place here a couple of days ago, is a prime example of what I'm calling, "The new Santa Barbara."
A city being swept clean of vermin, yellow-bellied weasels, black-footed ferrets.
And the heroics that took place here are something that should not and will not go unnoticed.
An unnamed officer successfully apprehended our suspect without a single shot being fired.
That is the new SBPD.
No names, no faces.
Men and three women, serving their city and being led and nurtured by me, Harris Trout.
You know, it was the late and under appreciated Millard Fillmore who once said...
Stay down!
I got you, boss.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end All right, listen up.
Your new Chief almost got killed today.
I want everyone here to think about the impact of my death.
Just for a minute.
Let it marinate.
Swish it around in the empty space between your ears.
It's measurably devastating, isn't it?
Now, let's catch this bastard.
Let's catch him fast.
I'm gonna hand the floor over to Detective O'Hara.
Today's her first briefing.
Try not to make this the most humiliating day of your life.
Okay?
Take it away.
You know what, can everybody come in a little closer?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's good.
Thank you.
So we have an APB out on all late model white vans.
Dude, if Trout sees us inside here, he's probable gonna have us arrested.
Gus, don't be the 100th luftballon.
We both know that yo use and mese have hit rock-bottom, okay?
Psych hasn't had a case in what feels like a year.
Your sales last month at Central Coast stunk up the whole frickin' city.
Whole city smelled like poo because of your fusty...
I get it, Shawn.
Okay, good.
Because the life coaching business is not gonna take off until we have our first client.
Come on, son.
You need to tighten it up.
Tip top, we don't stop.
Spencer and Guster knockin' boots around the clock.
Dude, that last part was weird.
It was mad weird.
Super weird.
Now...
You ready to do this?
No...
What?
I'm proud of you.
And I see somebody who could use a little coaching.
Hey, Lassie.
Couldn't help but notice that your career is in the latrine.
Lucky for you I'm here to help you flush and start it over.
Get away from me, Spencer, or I will pierce your lower intestine with a safety pin.
All right, just hear me out.
I know that Trout there has been turning a blind eye to your heroics of late.
You wanna know why?
Because while you have been acting quite heroically, you have not been speaking up.
And we all know that words are much louder than actions.
What?
Lassie, a brilliant mind perched under a thick, beaverish thatch of hair has crafted techniques at will to put your career back on track.
Techniques rooted in old English.
The kind of English that's taught in schools.
And of course, in England.
You're losing him, Shawn.
Seize.
S-E-I-Z-E.
As in, seize this moment.
Besides, nobody can hear a word Jules is saying anyway.
'Cause she feels Guilty Baggins about taking your gig.
So, let the stern bush breathe.
Be heard.
Seize!
We have no description of the shooter.
Uh, but the good news is...
The good news is that I am back.
But as those of you who witnessed today's heroics already know, I was never really gone.
Now, some of you might be under the impression that my middle name is Danger.
It is not.
It's Jebediah.
Ooh, rough start.
But it should be Danger.
Because some low-life assassin wannabe thinks they can take a shot at one of us and get away with it?
Well, not while I've got a pulse under my performance zone male Spanx.
Now, I may be required to write no less than 80 traffic citations this month, but I will not rest until the miscreant who took a shot at our chief is caught.
He's on a roll now.
Jebediah?
That can't be right.
Now, you mark my words, and you mark them well.
I, Carlton Jebediah Lassiter, will go out in a hailstorm of bullets if that's what it takes to catch this scumbag!
I will leave this perfectly flawed planet...
My body littered with lead, my heart bleeding blue upon the asphalt of the city I love so much.
Because this is my house!
And with every fearless fiber of my being, I say unto you...
This scumbag is going down.
Seized.
Smoochie-pie, I have got news!
Oh, really?
Well, I've got good news too.
I had another big day, baby.
Oh, did Trout give you your old job back?
No.
But I can almost guarantee that it is under review.
Review?
Well, that's good, right?
Good?
No.
Great?
Yes!
And I almost got killed today, kitten-head.
And I told my colleagues and that stubborn ass clown, Trout, in no uncertain terms that I am back and better than ever.
Gave 'em the speech, huh?
Oh, I gave them the speech, all right.
With or without the middle name?
With!
Uh, would you like to hear my news?
You should've seen their faces!
As I built up to the part where...
You die in a firestorm of bullets.
Hailstorm.
A hailstorm of bullets.
Yeah.
I'm pregnant.
A dozen actually asked for my autograph afterwards.
Of course, I declined.
And Trout, well...
Pregnant pregnant?
This is unit 404-niner, I need a wants and warrants on a white minivan.
2007.
2-Willco-Queen-Ivan-3-3-2.
Over.
Another one?
Yes, Franny, another one.
That's like the fourth white van in the last hour.
It's called being thorough, Franny.
Now, give me the wants and warrants.
It's the tone in your voice.
That is my issue.
Just run the plates.
You hurt my feelings.
You treat me like a voice and not a person.
And that's not right...
Hey!
I give and I give and I give...
Franny?
I need backup.
Really?
Yes, really!
I work in the third most dangerous business on the planet!
Hey, take a deep breath, okay?
I forgive you and I got you.
Okay, we got two black and whites on the way.
Talk to me.
What have we got?
Not sure yet.
Suspects armed?
Don't have eyes yet, but better safe than sorry, right?
Carlton, are you okay?
You hear that?
That noise coming from the van?
You hear that?
You hear that, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I know who that is.
Are they dangerous?
Yeah, that's King Candy from Wreck-It Ralph.
Sounds like they're watching an animated movie.
Oh, okay.
Hey, we cleared another white van, right?
Can I take my kids to school now or what?
You bet!
You said you wish to die in a hurricane of bullets, correct?
Hailstorm.
The madman that tried to assassinate me is a rare bird, okay?
He's a forest owlet, possibly a Kakapo.
This soulless creature tried to kill me.
Which means, he will undoubtedly take you apart, shoot the Spanx, with little or no hesitation.
Which is great for everyone.
So, you bag him.
Hopefully he empties his weapon right into you.
Everybody wins, right?
Now, if you pull this off and you don't die, perhaps I'll re-review your file, okay?
Unlikely, but you never know.
Okay, so, uh...
Go get 'em.
Gus, Runaway Train was like 30 years ago.
And nobody saw Crash: The Series.
Next...
Shawn, my mom does not need a life coach.
Okay.
We both know she's playing the underground poker circuit.
She goes all in with pocket ducks and loses her stacks to...
I don't know, Ronin the Crippler...
Lassie?
What're you doing here?
Change of heart, huh?
Ready to "seize" the day?
Because I happen to have an opening in my schedule.
No, you twit.
I need you two dodos to help me find the guy who's trying to shoot Trout.
Why're you comin' to us?
Because, um...
My situation has recently changed and I am no longer physically capable of pursuing this case on my own, and I would just like to leave it at that please.
Sure.
How has your sitch changed?
Not physically capable, how?
Changed in what way?
Not physically capable, why?
Will you stop it?
Are you gonna help me or not?
Come on, guys!
We're in, but...
We need to get paid.
Fine.
But just so you know, I took a 43% pay cut when I got demoted...
And I can only afford...
We'll take it.
Now...
Do we have any info on who might want to kill Trout besides all of us?
I can't believe...
Can't believe Trout made a whole scrapbook out of his death threats.
Is it just me or did he put some serious time into this project?
He did.
It's impressive.
And weird.
Life insurance?
Hey, Lassie, I think you...
Thank you.
Lassie, you okay?
Seriously, man, you seem a little blue.
Are you getting anything or not?
Whoa!
Come on, man!
The pressure!
I'm the CEO of two major companies, and a fantasy cricket team.
Which reminds me, I gotta drop Sachin Tendulkar from my squad.
I mean, sure the man bowls a wicked googly...
But the wickets.
Yeah, wickets are way down this season.
Okay, I've zeroed in on our number one suspect.
And this one's a doozy.
A dangerous doozy?
You betcha.
Okay.
We got our shooter.
Shawn, are you gonna finally tell us who we've been following?
I told you, Gus, it's a grown man's surprise.
Now, wait for it...
Well, whoever he is, I sure as hell hope he's not armed.
Really?
That's a .38!
He's got a .38!
Isn't it the same caliber gun the shooter used?
Okay, good news, we've got our shooter.
Bad news...
Lassie gets to tell Trout that his mom is the one who tried to kill him.
Hold it right there, Trout's mom!
Hold it yourself, ham-head!
Ham-head?
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to ask you to place the weapon you've got hidden in your waistband on the ground.
Don't be looking at my utes.
What?
Thank you.
Now, Mrs.
Trout, we need to ask you some questions about your son, Harris.
I'll give each of you 20 bucks, to talk about anything other than my jerk-weed son.
That's a great deal...
Hey!
Trout's mom, is it true that you send a threatening letter to your son every year on his birthday?
Yes.
My relationship with Harris is complicated.
He resents me because I left his dad for the pool guy.
Azúcar de la Punto. "
Sugar..."
And I resent him for his personality.
Now, I love my son, but I hate his insides.
And could I give you 25 bucks each, just to tell me what this is about?
She's not gonna keep this deal on the table forever.
I gotta...
Stop it!
Mrs.
Trout, what's going on, ma'am, is that someone tried to kill your son with a .38 very much like that one.
Several shots were fired.
Did they hit him?
No, but...
Don't you mean, "Did I hit him?"
No, I don't!
And you know why?
Because I wouldn't have missed!
Hey!
Hey!
Take a powder!
What's wrong with you?
How do I tell Trout his mom is in interrogation room one?
Well, Lassie...
I'm so glad you asked that.
Because right now is the perfect opportunity for you to utilize the second letter in S.E.I.Z.E...
Will you stop it?
...which of course stands for "eggs."
As in, you gotta break a few in order to make an omelet, or pancakes, or muffin tops, or dijonnaise, 'cause there's eggs in everything.
Am I right, Gus?
No.
This is a delicate situation.
But the best thing you can do right now is march into Trout's office, look him in the eyes and say, "Hey, sour Trout... "
I ain't afraid to crack no eggs."
God!
You do realize that Lassie's probably gonna get fired, right?
Yeah, but we might get paid...
Oh, God!
Excuse me, Chief.
Lassiter.
Does this look like a good time to you?
I'm not entirely sure what it looks like, sir.
The eyes are delicate!
Mysterious figs.
A complicated combination of aqueous humor fluid and ganglion photo-sensitive cells.
Now, were I to lose my sight...
12% chance.
My blind exercises perfectly prepare me for my new pitch-black world.
Absolutely, sir.
My apologies.
Now, what else could you possibly need?
Well, sir, I just came in to inform you that...
Nevermind.
Eggs!
Eggs!
No, I'm not going to...
Eggs!
Chief, your mother is in interrogation room one and I think she may be the person who tried to shoot you dead.
I want first crack at her.
Did you do it or not?
Tell me!
I am a stabber, not a shooter, you know that.
I hope Dad's in heaven right now watching.
The devil is making s'mores with his spongy brain!
See, I knew you never loved Dad!
Nobody ever loved that SOB.
He supported all my creative desires!
Well, he supported his empty head on his triple chin!
He had a thyroid problem, Mom.
You were right.
Ballistics is running Trout's mom's .38 to see if it's the one used in the shooting.
Looks like this case is over.
All I ever wanted to do was dance!
Oh, you and Ginger Rogers.
We got a report of shots fired at a coffee shop called Javva the Cupp.
Witnesses say they saw a white van driving away.
Wait a second.
That means Trout's mom is not our shooter.
No.
No!
I'm disappointed, is all.
Hmm.
We've got one injured on the way to the hospital.
I'm heading there now to interview the victim.
Carlton, would you please come with me?
I could really use your help on this case.
Maybe we should come too.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Okay, just don't tell what's-his-face.
Azúcar was a terrible pool guy and a thief!
He knew a dozen ways to fight algae.
Oh, my God!
I don't want to think about that!
So, um...
How do I tell Trout that his mom is actually innocent, and that the person who tried to kill him is still out there running rampant?
Well, Lassie, I'm so glad you chose this moment to make that inquiry.
What you need to focus on is the "I" in S.E.I.Z.E.
Shawn...
...which of course stands for, "I don't know."
Oh, my gosh.
Or...
Hmm?
Because sometimes, believe it or not, Lassie, it's super sweet to not know.
Oh, God!
Vance, did you get a good look at the shooter?
No.
But I profiled him.
Unemployed, dumpy, single, 5'10" and under.
The King Kong of losers.
Oh, come on!
What is this?
Hey, nurse!
Chewbacca-chino from Javva the Cupp on the fly, or I'm going to sue this hell-hole for botching my bandages.
And hurry up.
I got a full bedpan with your name on it.
Look, are we about done here?
I mean, I realize you're all public servants with low paying jobs to do, but V-Mac's got calls to bang, peeps to see, lives to ruin.
Well, V-Mac, dope handle, the possibility remains that the attempt on your life was not completely random.
Do you by chance know a man named Harris Trout?
It's a stupid name.
No.
Do you know anyone who may want you dead?
My wife, my main mistress...
Oh, my mistress' smokin' hot sister, their dads, all the guys who work for me.
A lot of their wives and sisters.
Okay, I think we're done here.
Right, Carlton?
Carlton?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second you guys.
I think there is a connection between V-Mac here and Trout.
Our killer is targeting A-holes.
Think about it.
He's cleaning up the city one A-hole at a time.
He's whacking A-holes.
Either that or he wants to be the G Poo-Bah of all the A-holes.
Either way, I gotta make a phone call.
I know someone who's in grave danger.
Listen to me.
There is a crazy person on the loose.
He's targeting your kind.
Yeah, what kind is that, Shawn?
That's not important, okay?
What's important is...
Shawn, is this some kind of joke?
Am I really in danger?
Shawn?
Are you still there?
I'm serious.
Just stay alive. "
Dear son, even though we have never met, don't be sad..."
All right, here's the deal.
Just got off the horn with Vance McMillan, the gentleman who was attacked earlier today?
First of all, the guy's a gem.
Feel like I've known him my whole life, golf trip in the works, you betcha.
Second of all, the personal items that we booked into evidence from his sweet yellow Corvette, those need returning, all right?
Well, is he going to come by the station or...
Hey, the man has a business to run, okay?
You're sitting here wasting city stationary on a letter to your imaginary friend, Raul the hairless wolf, who lives in your pantry!
Yeah, so V-Mac's in his office, he'll be looking out for you, all right?
So, you're Trout's errand boy now?
No, you will get over this, Carlton Jebediah!
You will get your head back in the game.
And you'll get back to dodging bullets!
Don't be a white van.
Don't be a white van.
Be taupe or off-white or beige.
Off-white, that's the one.
Okay.
Okay, you can do this.
No, you can't.
Okay, listen to me.
I really want to be there for you, little buddy, but...
I'm kind of in a little pickle right now and I can really use your help, so...
Tell me what to do.
Tell me...
Okay.
Speaking of which...
I also have a S.E.I.Z.E.
appointment at 9:00 a.m.
with your mother.
Did she admit that she needs help?
She admitted all sorts of things.
Things like what?
What's the good word, Lassie?
Is that the white van?
That means Trout's shooting and V-Mac's shooting are definitely not random.
This ruthless psychopath has come back to finish off Vance.
That means Trout is still in danger.
We should warn him!
Should we really though?
All right, Lassie, let's do this like men!
Okay.
Lassie, what are you doing?
Get over here!
You guys go.
Here.
What?
Man, I'm not taking your gun.
Just take it, Guster!
Hell no!
Spencer, take my gun.
I'm not taking...
You need to gather yourself, man!
I don't know what is going on with you, but you need to grab hold of the fourth letter in S.E.I.Z.E., which is the "I".
It's the Z.
Which stands for zebra!
You need to embrace your stripes.
Because they are black and they are white and they are zig-zaggy.
They're not zig-zaggy!
Who are you, man?
You are Carlton, skip the middle name, Lassiter, and you need to stone up and you need to tickle the stones and you need to seize the day!
My stripes have changed, all right?
Here, take it!
Take my gun!
Oh, my gosh!
Keep an eye on the van, all right?
Make sure nobody comes out.
We'll look.
No...
God!
Dude...
I think this whole "demotion to beat cop" thing is really jacking with Lassie's head.
Not to mention sucking all the life right out of him.
Yeah.
My situation has changed, and I'm not physically capable of pursuing this case on my own.
Gus!
What?
I think I know what's wrong with Lassie.
What?
I think he's dying.
What?
Don't be ridiculous, Shawn.
Come on, son.
Think about the last 24 hours, man.
Think about what we just saw outside.
The man can barely move his disease-ridden body, right on the cusp of throwing in the towel of life.
Oh, my gosh!
Lassie's dying!
Oh, no, what is that?
Why are you doing that?
What is that?
I'm trying to shed tears for Lassie.
They won't come and I feel ashamed.
Don't do that.
Stop that.
Maybe we can give him one more gift.
You know, before he's worm food.
Help him solve this case, gets promoted back to detective.
Have a little peace before they lower him into the ground.
Lassie.
I couldn't get him.
It's all right.
We understand.
Is Vance okay?
V-Mac is not okay.
So, you had the drop on our bad guy, and somehow with him dead to rights, you let him get away?
Look at me when I'm talking to you!
What happened to your fearless desire to die, Officer?
It's totally still there.
Oh, it better be!
Otherwise what good are you for?
Lucky for you, the time of death on Vance was placed at 7:30 p.m., right?
So, while your incompetence cost us our killer, there was no way to save poor Vance.
Because his valuable life was gone before you got there!
Not only did this city lose one of its finest citizens tonight, but Vance McMillan was a man that I was on the verge of calling "home skillet."
And to make matters worse, I'm in grave danger, right?
Who do you think this madman's coming for next?
Oh, don't shrug like you don't know!
I want you to hand over your ticket book and pen right now!
The other pen, too.
Lassie.
The man's perishing, Gus.
He's a parisher.
That's something different, Shawn.
Hmm?
Hey, guys.
We traced the white van back to a Tony Delphin.
We just searched his home, the neighbors haven't seen him in a couple of days.
Maybe that's because he has been on a rampage.
Still not sure how he's linked to Trout and Vance McMillan.
So, I'm gonna head down to the fish market where he works security and see what else we can find out.
So, maybe a little bit of bacon?
Hmm?
Okay.
But we never had this conversation.
Gonna ask Lassie to come again as well.
He just looks so sad.
I just think if he could help solve this case, he'd get in Trout's good graces and back to his old self, you know?
All right, look Jules.
I'm not sure how to tell you this.
Lassie is dying.
He's what?
It's terminal.
Why would you say that?
Just think about the last couple of days.
Oh, sure he's been acting weird, but that doesn't mean he's dying.
I'm telling you, bunny face, this is the end.
Six, maybe eight weeks tops.
Don't cry.
Please, don't cry.
Oh, no, he's dying.
What do we do?
What is it?
Not entirely sure, we checked his pockets for quarters...
And his head for temperature.
We did rule out a Pac-Man fever.
Shawn, this is serious.
I know.
I can't deal with death.
Look, humor and Atari.
Best medicines for situations like this, Jules, that's just science.
He took my ticket book and my pens.
Yes, both pens.
Because that's what they give you, smoochie-pants.
They give you six to eight weeks' severance.
I don't know, maybe this is all for the best.
I'll call you back.
Hi.
Hey, I'm heading down to the fish market where our suspect works.
You wanna come?
Just help get your mind off things for a little while.
Yeah, think it'll be good.
Gus, I can tell ya, your mom was pretty much an open book, at our session this morning.
What do you mean "open book"?
Oh, that's coach-client privilege.
Oh, God.
Oh, Carlton.
You know, don't you?
Heckle and Jeckle know too?
Yeah.
Try not to let it spread on the station, okay?
Okay.
Okay, Frank, what can you tell us about Tony Delphin.
Worked the guard gate.
He was a top shelf D-bag.
Yeah, but you haven't seen him around for a long time, right?
Hopefully.
No, he hasn't shown up for work the last couple of days.
Sweet.
Bob, this part is important.
This part is serious.
You have wood in your beard.
The last "E" in S.E.I.Z.E.
stands for "eighties" and that pertains to you, in a huge way.
Because I'm talking about the 1980s.
The greatest decade of all time.
Fashion, republicans.
Apollonian.
Vanity.
So the next time you're looking around this stink farm and you're thinking to yourself, "My beard is delicious, "but my life is horrible," I want you to go into the abscesses of your mind and think about the '80s.
'Cause you know what you're gonna find?
You're gonna find hot dog on a stick.
Hot dog on a stick, man.
We traced the white van to a Tony Delphin.
My gut is telling me we need to check the fish guts.
I don't think Tony Delphin is our man.
And there is officially a ruthless killer on the loose, you guys.
No!
Okay, so we're almost positive our victims weren't chosen at random, but we can't seem to connect them in any way.
Ah, that's not true, Jules.
We got confirmation that Tony Delphin is also an A-hole.
Which means our theory about the killer knocking off A-holes, or aspiring to be the Grand Poo-Bah of A-holes is still alive.
Very much so.
The only thing we know for sure is that our suspect killed Tony stole his van and has been driving that vehicle for the last few days.
But they won't let anyone pass and it's my anniversary.
Chewbacca-chino from Javva the Cupp on the fly.
I know who our killer is.
I even know where he lives.
Back where it all began.
Suspect's name is Patrick Abbershaw.
His wife's inside, hasn't seen her husband for two days.
Let's do this.
Shouldn't we wait for Lassie?
Is the suspect inside?
No, Carlton.
Just his wife.
You sure?
Pretty sure, yeah.
Like I said, I kicked Patrick out a couple of days after he missed our anniversary dinner.
He tried to make up this tall tale about being arrested for sticking up for himself.
But there's no way that's true.
Marie, I'm sensing that Patrick had a serious problem with one of the other patrons at Javva the Cupp?
Yes, he did.
This rich jerk would always cut in front of him to order his Chewbacca-chino.
And did your husband have any issues with Tony?
The guard who worked the gate at the fish market?
Yeah, Tony was a real D-bag.
He'd always make Patrick park in the guest lot for not having his ID badge.
Even though he's worked there for 10 years.
Between Tony and that jerk-ass at the coffee place, Patrick was always late for work.
And then, finally, a few days ago, he got fired.
I couldn't take it anymore.
Patrick just refused to stick up for himself.
I can't be married to and have kids with someone who is scared of his own shadow.
What did you just say?
I said, "I can't be married to and have kids "with someone who is scared of his own shadow."
Excuse me.
It's okay.
He's dying.
Marie, we have reason to believe that Patrick may have killed the jerk at the coffee shop, Tony, and attempted to kill our current police chief.
What?
Why?
Uh, because they ruined his life, in a nutshell.
Then your boy went all Mikey Douglas from Falling Down, which I saw again recently, by the way.
Hair was a bold choice, no way around that.
Between that and Ghost and the Darkness.
It's like he went temporarily...
You can do this, Carlton.
Why would he do this alone?
'Cause he's toast, Jules.
He's man toast.
And he wants to die in a monsoon of bullets, remember?
Hailstorm.
We meet again.
Patrick, right?
Okay, listen...
I totally get that you are on a rampage, against all the people that have wronged you, but...
I am not one of those people.
Oh, you are now.
Okay, just hear me out, man.
I am in bad shape right now, okay?
Mentally and physically.
I don't care, so make your move and let's do this.
Patrick, I would really rather not engage in an Old West style standoff at this particular moment, all right?
See, I've kind of a big deal happening in eight months and it has totally usurped my typically unbridled love of situations like this, so...
Lassie's not dying.
He's not?
Then what's going on?
He's having a little Lassie.
You see the thing is, I'm gonna be a father.
And I'm sure you can appreciate why I would really prefer that this end peacefully without any gun play.
No can do...
Okay, okay, just hang on.
Hang on.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever heard of a program called S.E.I.Z.E.?
Come on, son.
I'm sure your kid's life will be fine without you around.
My old man wasn't around and look at me.
So, make your move.
Sorry, did you say you were gonna take me away from my family?
Yes.
What kind of man would I be if I didn't make the world a safer place for my son?
I think I have to get in there.
Whoa, wait!
I think Lassie's getting his mojo back.
Having a baby shouldn't make me scared.
It should make me even sharper than I was before.
Is that right?
That's right, pal.
Because I'm Carlton "Danger" Lassiter.
You want to draw against me?
Say when.
What?
You're crazy, man.
You can't do that, you're a policeman.
No, I'm your Huckleberry.
You're my what?
Say when.
You should probably kiss the floor now.
Dawg, hell, I didn't know you was back in town.
That's awesome!
I'm so glad you're okay, Carlton.
And congratulations on the baby!
I'm gonna be a papa!
All right, I'm going in.
What's my play here?
Last letter in S.E.I.Z.E., right?
No, I bailed on that whole thing, man.
Zebras and eggs and I don't even remember what the I stood for.
I don't know.
Exactly.
Just go in there and be yourself.
Are you sure about that?
Go in there and be someone else.
Good luck, we're all counting on you.
Officer Lassiter, you delivered.
I was betting against you, because it's satisfying, but you pulled it off.
And for that you're gonna be rewarded.
You mean I'm back to being a detective?
No.
But in my current review of the financial budget for the city, I discovered there's some available funds for a department assigned driver.
Your driver.
That's right.
You'll be expected to deliver me to and from all my personal and business-related events.
When do I start?
Well, I ain't walking to my 7:30 spin class now, am I?
It's not about the fear of dying anymore, Henry, it's about time.
And my life is out here, chasing bad guys.
Carlton, I've made more mistakes in my life than I'd care to admit.
My marriage was doomed, my relationship with my son has been on life support far too long.
And it was all because of my love for the job.
But you know what I was too stupid to realize?
What?
There's always gonna be a bad guy to chase.
But your kid, your child, they're only gonna grow up once.
They're gonna look at you like you're the greatest thing in the world only for so long,
So, the Mayor's decided to send over a consultant.
Mr.
Harris Trout.
I intend to save the taxpayers millions of dollars, by trimming the workforce into a new model of precision and efficiency.
Chief?
I got a six-month suspension.
But I have news for all of you...
I'm staying, and you know why?
Because you're the new interim Chief of Police.
Correct!
We'll no longer be hiring psychics, and you're no longer head detective.
I love you.
I love you too.
Now, as your new interim police chief I will guide you through this raid today, as we rid our city of another one of its drug-dealing washouts!
Where's my head detective?
Right here, sir.
I said, my head detective.
When I ask for a freshly demoted beat cop I'll expect you front and center, capisce?
Now loosen those blues.
Nobody needs to see you advertising your business to the whole community like that.
Now, one more time, where's my head detective?
Uh...
That's...
That's me.
I'm here.
Okay.
Detective O'Hara?
Now that you've been promoted to interim head detective, on rare occasions, I'll be depending on you.
This is not one of those occasions.
Now, in six minutes we're gonna be moving inside in two by two formations.
Yes, Gus, that's the point.
We need a new business venture.
Which means, I will be the motivational life coach, you'll be my booking agent and audience plant.
You don two hats.
I don't want to don two hats, Shawn.
Beret up front, you got a little beanie on the crown of your smooth chocolate thunder-dome!
You can't just become a life coach without life or coaching skills.
I got one of those words with the dots in-between the letters, encapsulates my philosophy.
It's called an acronym.
S-E-I-Z-E, that's seize.
Or as the Mayans called it, seize.
You do realize the letters are supposed to stand for something, right?
Guess what the "s" in seize stands for?
What? "
Seize."
You're an idiot.
We need to figure out a way to get on the case fast before Psych goes under.
Trout hates us.
And right now, we're not supposed to step foot in the station, much less a crime scene.
Your new legal name is Recap McGee.
Now, the perp inside that house is a very dangerous perp.
A lappet-faced vulture, a red necked ostrich, either way, in the analogy, it's molting.
Gotta figure out a way past these barricades, man.
I need a stage on which to display my skills in front of sour Trout there.
Let's go to dinner.
You don't have to ask me twice.
Hey, you.
Yeah, you.
I'm Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner, Trending on Twitter.
Hashtag, what would Gus do?
Couldn't help but notice the roses.
Yeah, it's my anniversary.
Super!
Well, you don't have to ask us once.
We would love to join you and your lovely wife for a six course dinner.
Well, they're not letting anyone pass, so...
Oh, no?
Sounds like somebody need to step up...
And seize. "
How do I seize, Shawn?"
I'll tell ya.
You go right over there and you let that jag-bag know there's absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, that is gonna keep you from wining and dining your wife and your new black and white best friends.
'Cause after we leave, she's gonna get handsy.
Yes, she is!
I don't know you.
No impending raid, no guns, no cops, nothing's gonna stop you!
Now, go!
Seize!
Seize!
Seize.
Yeah.
You got this, bro, you got this.
All right, listen up...
We're gonna have to move in from east to west.
Some of you may not know which way is east and which way is west.
That's okay.
That's west, that's east.
Excuse me, officer?
Seize!
Seize!
Seize!
Stop it!
Uh, listen, I...
My house is right there and it's my anniversary and...
And we're with him, Trout.
Old friends.
Officer Lassiter, arrest this man for interfering with a police investigation.
Kidding, we're not with this dude.
We just met the guy.
No.
I was just trying to get to my house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll be processed and released within the hour.
Well, maybe.
There's a good chance that one of you might die today...
Probably you, could be you.
Maybe you, but we don't know.
Oh, it's go time, daddy-o.
Okay, is everyone crystal clear now?
Yes, sir.
Okay, let's move.
Let's move, come on.
Uh, Chief?
Yeah.
I think we can call off the raid.
I've called you all down here for a good reason.
The raid that took place here a couple of days ago, is a prime example of what I'm calling, "The new Santa Barbara."
A city being swept clean of vermin, yellow-bellied weasels, black-footed ferrets.
And the heroics that took place here are something that should not and will not go unnoticed.
An unnamed officer successfully apprehended our suspect without a single shot being fired.
That is the new SBPD.
No names, no faces.
Men and three women, serving their city and being led and nurtured by me, Harris Trout.
You know, it was the late and under appreciated Millard Fillmore who once said...
Stay down!
I got you, boss.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end All right, listen up.
Your new Chief almost got killed today.
I want everyone here to think about the impact of my death.
Just for a minute.
Let it marinate.
Swish it around in the empty space between your ears.
It's measurably devastating, isn't it?
Now, let's catch this bastard.
Let's catch him fast.
I'm gonna hand the floor over to Detective O'Hara.
Today's her first briefing.
Try not to make this the most humiliating day of your life.
Okay?
Take it away.
You know what, can everybody come in a little closer?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's good.
Thank you.
So we have an APB out on all late model white vans.
Dude, if Trout sees us inside here, he's probable gonna have us arrested.
Gus, don't be the 100th luftballon.
We both know that yo use and mese have hit rock-bottom, okay?
Psych hasn't had a case in what feels like a year.
Your sales last month at Central Coast stunk up the whole frickin' city.
Whole city smelled like poo because of your fusty...
I get it, Shawn.
Okay, good.
Because the life coaching business is not gonna take off until we have our first client.
Come on, son.
You need to tighten it up.
Tip top, we don't stop.
Spencer and Guster knockin' boots around the clock.
Dude, that last part was weird.
It was mad weird.
Super weird.
Now...
You ready to do this?
No...
What?
I'm proud of you.
And I see somebody who could use a little coaching.
Hey, Lassie.
Couldn't help but notice that your career is in the latrine.
Lucky for you I'm here to help you flush and start it over.
Get away from me, Spencer, or I will pierce your lower intestine with a safety pin.
All right, just hear me out.
I know that Trout there has been turning a blind eye to your heroics of late.
You wanna know why?
Because while you have been acting quite heroically, you have not been speaking up.
And we all know that words are much louder than actions.
What?
Lassie, a brilliant mind perched under a thick, beaverish thatch of hair has crafted techniques at will to put your career back on track.
Techniques rooted in old English.
The kind of English that's taught in schools.
And of course, in England.
You're losing him, Shawn.
Seize.
S-E-I-Z-E.
As in, seize this moment.
Besides, nobody can hear a word Jules is saying anyway.
'Cause she feels Guilty Baggins about taking your gig.
So, let the stern bush breathe.
Be heard.
Seize!
We have no description of the shooter.
Uh, but the good news is...
The good news is that I am back.
But as those of you who witnessed today's heroics already know, I was never really gone.
Now, some of you might be under the impression that my middle name is Danger.
It is not.
It's Jebediah.
Ooh, rough start.
But it should be Danger.
Because some low-life assassin wannabe thinks they can take a shot at one of us and get away with it?
Well, not while I've got a pulse under my performance zone male Spanx.
Now, I may be required to write no less than 80 traffic citations this month, but I will not rest until the miscreant who took a shot at our chief is caught.
He's on a roll now.
Jebediah?
That can't be right.
Now, you mark my words, and you mark them well.
I, Carlton Jebediah Lassiter, will go out in a hailstorm of bullets if that's what it takes to catch this scumbag!
I will leave this perfectly flawed planet...
My body littered with lead, my heart bleeding blue upon the asphalt of the city I love so much.
Because this is my house!
And with every fearless fiber of my being, I say unto you...
This scumbag is going down.
Seized.
Smoochie-pie, I have got news!
Oh, really?
Well, I've got good news too.
I had another big day, baby.
Oh, did Trout give you your old job back?
No.
But I can almost guarantee that it is under review.
Review?
Well, that's good, right?
Good?
No.
Great?
Yes!
And I almost got killed today, kitten-head.
And I told my colleagues and that stubborn ass clown, Trout, in no uncertain terms that I am back and better than ever.
Gave 'em the speech, huh?
Oh, I gave them the speech, all right.
With or without the middle name?
With!
Uh, would you like to hear my news?
You should've seen their faces!
As I built up to the part where...
You die in a firestorm of bullets.
Hailstorm.
A hailstorm of bullets.
Yeah.
I'm pregnant.
A dozen actually asked for my autograph afterwards.
Of course, I declined.
And Trout, well...
Pregnant pregnant?
This is unit 404-niner, I need a wants and warrants on a white minivan.
2007.
2-Willco-Queen-Ivan-3-3-2.
Over.
Another one?
Yes, Franny, another one.
That's like the fourth white van in the last hour.
It's called being thorough, Franny.
Now, give me the wants and warrants.
It's the tone in your voice.
That is my issue.
Just run the plates.
You hurt my feelings.
You treat me like a voice and not a person.
And that's not right...
Hey!
I give and I give and I give...
Franny?
I need backup.
Really?
Yes, really!
I work in the third most dangerous business on the planet!
Hey, take a deep breath, okay?
I forgive you and I got you.
Okay, we got two black and whites on the way.
Talk to me.
What have we got?
Not sure yet.
Suspects armed?
Don't have eyes yet, but better safe than sorry, right?
Carlton, are you okay?
You hear that?
That noise coming from the van?
You hear that?
You hear that, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I know who that is.
Are they dangerous?
Yeah, that's King Candy from Wreck-It Ralph.
Sounds like they're watching an animated movie.
Oh, okay.
Hey, we cleared another white van, right?
Can I take my kids to school now or what?
You bet!
You said you wish to die in a hurricane of bullets, correct?
Hailstorm.
The madman that tried to assassinate me is a rare bird, okay?
He's a forest owlet, possibly a Kakapo.
This soulless creature tried to kill me.
Which means, he will undoubtedly take you apart, shoot the Spanx, with little or no hesitation.
Which is great for everyone.
So, you bag him.
Hopefully he empties his weapon right into you.
Everybody wins, right?
Now, if you pull this off and you don't die, perhaps I'll re-review your file, okay?
Unlikely, but you never know.
Okay, so, uh...
Go get 'em.
Gus, Runaway Train was like 30 years ago.
And nobody saw Crash: The Series.
Next...
Shawn, my mom does not need a life coach.
Okay.
We both know she's playing the underground poker circuit.
She goes all in with pocket ducks and loses her stacks to...
I don't know, Ronin the Crippler...
Lassie?
What're you doing here?
Change of heart, huh?
Ready to "seize" the day?
Because I happen to have an opening in my schedule.
No, you twit.
I need you two dodos to help me find the guy who's trying to shoot Trout.
Why're you comin' to us?
Because, um...
My situation has recently changed and I am no longer physically capable of pursuing this case on my own, and I would just like to leave it at that please.
Sure.
How has your sitch changed?
Not physically capable, how?
Changed in what way?
Not physically capable, why?
Will you stop it?
Are you gonna help me or not?
Come on, guys!
We're in, but...
We need to get paid.
Fine.
But just so you know, I took a 43% pay cut when I got demoted...
And I can only afford...
We'll take it.
Now...
Do we have any info on who might want to kill Trout besides all of us?
I can't believe...
Can't believe Trout made a whole scrapbook out of his death threats.
Is it just me or did he put some serious time into this project?
He did.
It's impressive.
And weird.
Life insurance?
Hey, Lassie, I think you...
Thank you.
Lassie, you okay?
Seriously, man, you seem a little blue.
Are you getting anything or not?
Whoa!
Come on, man!
The pressure!
I'm the CEO of two major companies, and a fantasy cricket team.
Which reminds me, I gotta drop Sachin Tendulkar from my squad.
I mean, sure the man bowls a wicked googly...
But the wickets.
Yeah, wickets are way down this season.
Okay, I've zeroed in on our number one suspect.
And this one's a doozy.
A dangerous doozy?
You betcha.
Okay.
We got our shooter.
Shawn, are you gonna finally tell us who we've been following?
I told you, Gus, it's a grown man's surprise.
Now, wait for it...
Well, whoever he is, I sure as hell hope he's not armed.
Really?
That's a .38!
He's got a .38!
Isn't it the same caliber gun the shooter used?
Okay, good news, we've got our shooter.
Bad news...
Lassie gets to tell Trout that his mom is the one who tried to kill him.
Hold it right there, Trout's mom!
Hold it yourself, ham-head!
Ham-head?
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to ask you to place the weapon you've got hidden in your waistband on the ground.
Don't be looking at my utes.
What?
Thank you.
Now, Mrs.
Trout, we need to ask you some questions about your son, Harris.
I'll give each of you 20 bucks, to talk about anything other than my jerk-weed son.
That's a great deal...
Hey!
Trout's mom, is it true that you send a threatening letter to your son every year on his birthday?
Yes.
My relationship with Harris is complicated.
He resents me because I left his dad for the pool guy.
Azúcar de la Punto. "
Sugar..."
And I resent him for his personality.
Now, I love my son, but I hate his insides.
And could I give you 25 bucks each, just to tell me what this is about?
She's not gonna keep this deal on the table forever.
I gotta...
Stop it!
Mrs.
Trout, what's going on, ma'am, is that someone tried to kill your son with a .38 very much like that one.
Several shots were fired.
Did they hit him?
No, but...
Don't you mean, "Did I hit him?"
No, I don't!
And you know why?
Because I wouldn't have missed!
Hey!
Hey!
Take a powder!
What's wrong with you?
How do I tell Trout his mom is in interrogation room one?
Well, Lassie...
I'm so glad you asked that.
Because right now is the perfect opportunity for you to utilize the second letter in S.E.I.Z.E...
Will you stop it?
...which of course stands for "eggs."
As in, you gotta break a few in order to make an omelet, or pancakes, or muffin tops, or dijonnaise, 'cause there's eggs in everything.
Am I right, Gus?
No.
This is a delicate situation.
But the best thing you can do right now is march into Trout's office, look him in the eyes and say, "Hey, sour Trout... "
I ain't afraid to crack no eggs."
God!
You do realize that Lassie's probably gonna get fired, right?
Yeah, but we might get paid...
Oh, God!
Excuse me, Chief.
Lassiter.
Does this look like a good time to you?
I'm not entirely sure what it looks like, sir.
The eyes are delicate!
Mysterious figs.
A complicated combination of aqueous humor fluid and ganglion photo-sensitive cells.
Now, were I to lose my sight...
12% chance.
My blind exercises perfectly prepare me for my new pitch-black world.
Absolutely, sir.
My apologies.
Now, what else could you possibly need?
Well, sir, I just came in to inform you that...
Nevermind.
Eggs!
Eggs!
No, I'm not going to...
Eggs!
Chief, your mother is in interrogation room one and I think she may be the person who tried to shoot you dead.
I want first crack at her.
Did you do it or not?
Tell me!
I am a stabber, not a shooter, you know that.
I hope Dad's in heaven right now watching.
The devil is making s'mores with his spongy brain!
See, I knew you never loved Dad!
Nobody ever loved that SOB.
He supported all my creative desires!
Well, he supported his empty head on his triple chin!
He had a thyroid problem, Mom.
You were right.
Ballistics is running Trout's mom's .38 to see if it's the one used in the shooting.
Looks like this case is over.
All I ever wanted to do was dance!
Oh, you and Ginger Rogers.
We got a report of shots fired at a coffee shop called Javva the Cupp.
Witnesses say they saw a white van driving away.
Wait a second.
That means Trout's mom is not our shooter.
No.
No!
I'm disappointed, is all.
Hmm.
We've got one injured on the way to the hospital.
I'm heading there now to interview the victim.
Carlton, would you please come with me?
I could really use your help on this case.
Maybe we should come too.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Okay, just don't tell what's-his-face.
Azúcar was a terrible pool guy and a thief!
He knew a dozen ways to fight algae.
Oh, my God!
I don't want to think about that!
So, um...
How do I tell Trout that his mom is actually innocent, and that the person who tried to kill him is still out there running rampant?
Well, Lassie, I'm so glad you chose this moment to make that inquiry.
What you need to focus on is the "I" in S.E.I.Z.E.
Shawn...
...which of course stands for, "I don't know."
Oh, my gosh.
Or...
Hmm?
Because sometimes, believe it or not, Lassie, it's super sweet to not know.
Oh, God!
Vance, did you get a good look at the shooter?
No.
But I profiled him.
Unemployed, dumpy, single, 5'10" and under.
The King Kong of losers.
Oh, come on!
What is this?
Hey, nurse!
Chewbacca-chino from Javva the Cupp on the fly, or I'm going to sue this hell-hole for botching my bandages.
And hurry up.
I got a full bedpan with your name on it.
Look, are we about done here?
I mean, I realize you're all public servants with low paying jobs to do, but V-Mac's got calls to bang, peeps to see, lives to ruin.
Well, V-Mac, dope handle, the possibility remains that the attempt on your life was not completely random.
Do you by chance know a man named Harris Trout?
It's a stupid name.
No.
Do you know anyone who may want you dead?
My wife, my main mistress...
Oh, my mistress' smokin' hot sister, their dads, all the guys who work for me.
A lot of their wives and sisters.
Okay, I think we're done here.
Right, Carlton?
Carlton?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second you guys.
I think there is a connection between V-Mac here and Trout.
Our killer is targeting A-holes.
Think about it.
He's cleaning up the city one A-hole at a time.
He's whacking A-holes.
Either that or he wants to be the G Poo-Bah of all the A-holes.
Either way, I gotta make a phone call.
I know someone who's in grave danger.
Listen to me.
There is a crazy person on the loose.
He's targeting your kind.
Yeah, what kind is that, Shawn?
That's not important, okay?
What's important is...
Shawn, is this some kind of joke?
Am I really in danger?
Shawn?
Are you still there?
I'm serious.
Just stay alive. "
Dear son, even though we have never met, don't be sad..."
All right, here's the deal.
Just got off the horn with Vance McMillan, the gentleman who was attacked earlier today?
First of all, the guy's a gem.
Feel like I've known him my whole life, golf trip in the works, you betcha.
Second of all, the personal items that we booked into evidence from his sweet yellow Corvette, those need returning, all right?
Well, is he going to come by the station or...
Hey, the man has a business to run, okay?
You're sitting here wasting city stationary on a letter to your imaginary friend, Raul the hairless wolf, who lives in your pantry!
Yeah, so V-Mac's in his office, he'll be looking out for you, all right?
So, you're Trout's errand boy now?
No, you will get over this, Carlton Jebediah!
You will get your head back in the game.
And you'll get back to dodging bullets!
Don't be a white van.
Don't be a white van.
Be taupe or off-white or beige.
Off-white, that's the one.
Okay.
Okay, you can do this.
No, you can't.
Okay, listen to me.
I really want to be there for you, little buddy, but...
I'm kind of in a little pickle right now and I can really use your help, so...
Tell me what to do.
Tell me...
Okay.
Speaking of which...
I also have a S.E.I.Z.E.
appointment at 9:00 a.m.
with your mother.
Did she admit that she needs help?
She admitted all sorts of things.
Things like what?
What's the good word, Lassie?
Is that the white van?
That means Trout's shooting and V-Mac's shooting are definitely not random.
This ruthless psychopath has come back to finish off Vance.
That means Trout is still in danger.
We should warn him!
Should we really though?
All right, Lassie, let's do this like men!
Okay.
Lassie, what are you doing?
Get over here!
You guys go.
Here.
What?
Man, I'm not taking your gun.
Just take it, Guster!
Hell no!
Spencer, take my gun.
I'm not taking...
You need to gather yourself, man!
I don't know what is going on with you, but you need to grab hold of the fourth letter in S.E.I.Z.E., which is the "I".
It's the Z.
Which stands for zebra!
You need to embrace your stripes.
Because they are black and they are white and they are zig-zaggy.
They're not zig-zaggy!
Who are you, man?
You are Carlton, skip the middle name, Lassiter, and you need to stone up and you need to tickle the stones and you need to seize the day!
My stripes have changed, all right?
Here, take it!
Take my gun!
Oh, my gosh!
Keep an eye on the van, all right?
Make sure nobody comes out.
We'll look.
No...
God!
Dude...
I think this whole "demotion to beat cop" thing is really jacking with Lassie's head.
Not to mention sucking all the life right out of him.
Yeah.
My situation has changed, and I'm not physically capable of pursuing this case on my own.
Gus!
What?
I think I know what's wrong with Lassie.
What?
I think he's dying.
What?
Don't be ridiculous, Shawn.
Come on, son.
Think about the last 24 hours, man.
Think about what we just saw outside.
The man can barely move his disease-ridden body, right on the cusp of throwing in the towel of life.
Oh, my gosh!
Lassie's dying!
Oh, no, what is that?
Why are you doing that?
What is that?
I'm trying to shed tears for Lassie.
They won't come and I feel ashamed.
Don't do that.
Stop that.
Maybe we can give him one more gift.
You know, before he's worm food.
Help him solve this case, gets promoted back to detective.
Have a little peace before they lower him into the ground.
Lassie.
I couldn't get him.
It's all right.
We understand.
Is Vance okay?
V-Mac is not okay.
So, you had the drop on our bad guy, and somehow with him dead to rights, you let him get away?
Look at me when I'm talking to you!
What happened to your fearless desire to die, Officer?
It's totally still there.
Oh, it better be!
Otherwise what good are you for?
Lucky for you, the time of death on Vance was placed at 7:30 p.m., right?
So, while your incompetence cost us our killer, there was no way to save poor Vance.
Because his valuable life was gone before you got there!
Not only did this city lose one of its finest citizens tonight, but Vance McMillan was a man that I was on the verge of calling "home skillet."
And to make matters worse, I'm in grave danger, right?
Who do you think this madman's coming for next?
Oh, don't shrug like you don't know!
I want you to hand over your ticket book and pen right now!
The other pen, too.
Lassie.
The man's perishing, Gus.
He's a parisher.
That's something different, Shawn.
Hmm?
Hey, guys.
We traced the white van back to a Tony Delphin.
We just searched his home, the neighbors haven't seen him in a couple of days.
Maybe that's because he has been on a rampage.
Still not sure how he's linked to Trout and Vance McMillan.
So, I'm gonna head down to the fish market where he works security and see what else we can find out.
So, maybe a little bit of bacon?
Hmm?
Okay.
But we never had this conversation.
Gonna ask Lassie to come again as well.
He just looks so sad.
I just think if he could help solve this case, he'd get in Trout's good graces and back to his old self, you know?
All right, look Jules.
I'm not sure how to tell you this.
Lassie is dying.
He's what?
It's terminal.
Why would you say that?
Just think about the last couple of days.
Oh, sure he's been acting weird, but that doesn't mean he's dying.
I'm telling you, bunny face, this is the end.
Six, maybe eight weeks tops.
Don't cry.
Please, don't cry.
Oh, no, he's dying.
What do we do?
What is it?
Not entirely sure, we checked his pockets for quarters...
And his head for temperature.
We did rule out a Pac-Man fever.
Shawn, this is serious.
I know.
I can't deal with death.
Look, humor and Atari.
Best medicines for situations like this, Jules, that's just science.
He took my ticket book and my pens.
Yes, both pens.
Because that's what they give you, smoochie-pants.
They give you six to eight weeks' severance.
I don't know, maybe this is all for the best.
I'll call you back.
Hi.
Hey, I'm heading down to the fish market where our suspect works.
You wanna come?
Just help get your mind off things for a little while.
Yeah, think it'll be good.
Gus, I can tell ya, your mom was pretty much an open book, at our session this morning.
What do you mean "open book"?
Oh, that's coach-client privilege.
Oh, God.
Oh, Carlton.
You know, don't you?
Heckle and Jeckle know too?
Yeah.
Try not to let it spread on the station, okay?
Okay.
Okay, Frank, what can you tell us about Tony Delphin.
Worked the guard gate.
He was a top shelf D-bag.
Yeah, but you haven't seen him around for a long time, right?
Hopefully.
No, he hasn't shown up for work the last couple of days.
Sweet.
Bob, this part is important.
This part is serious.
You have wood in your beard.
The last "E" in S.E.I.Z.E.
stands for "eighties" and that pertains to you, in a huge way.
Because I'm talking about the 1980s.
The greatest decade of all time.
Fashion, republicans.
Apollonian.
Vanity.
So the next time you're looking around this stink farm and you're thinking to yourself, "My beard is delicious, "but my life is horrible," I want you to go into the abscesses of your mind and think about the '80s.
'Cause you know what you're gonna find?
You're gonna find hot dog on a stick.
Hot dog on a stick, man.
We traced the white van to a Tony Delphin.
My gut is telling me we need to check the fish guts.
I don't think Tony Delphin is our man.
And there is officially a ruthless killer on the loose, you guys.
No!
Okay, so we're almost positive our victims weren't chosen at random, but we can't seem to connect them in any way.
Ah, that's not true, Jules.
We got confirmation that Tony Delphin is also an A-hole.
Which means our theory about the killer knocking off A-holes, or aspiring to be the Grand Poo-Bah of A-holes is still alive.
Very much so.
The only thing we know for sure is that our suspect killed Tony stole his van and has been driving that vehicle for the last few days.
But they won't let anyone pass and it's my anniversary.
Chewbacca-chino from Javva the Cupp on the fly.
I know who our killer is.
I even know where he lives.
Back where it all began.
Suspect's name is Patrick Abbershaw.
His wife's inside, hasn't seen her husband for two days.
Let's do this.
Shouldn't we wait for Lassie?
Is the suspect inside?
No, Carlton.
Just his wife.
You sure?
Pretty sure, yeah.
Like I said, I kicked Patrick out a couple of days after he missed our anniversary dinner.
He tried to make up this tall tale about being arrested for sticking up for himself.
But there's no way that's true.
Marie, I'm sensing that Patrick had a serious problem with one of the other patrons at Javva the Cupp?
Yes, he did.
This rich jerk would always cut in front of him to order his Chewbacca-chino.
And did your husband have any issues with Tony?
The guard who worked the gate at the fish market?
Yeah, Tony was a real D-bag.
He'd always make Patrick park in the guest lot for not having his ID badge.
Even though he's worked there for 10 years.
Between Tony and that jerk-ass at the coffee place, Patrick was always late for work.
And then, finally, a few days ago, he got fired.
I couldn't take it anymore.
Patrick just refused to stick up for himself.
I can't be married to and have kids with someone who is scared of his own shadow.
What did you just say?
I said, "I can't be married to and have kids "with someone who is scared of his own shadow."
Excuse me.
It's okay.
He's dying.
Marie, we have reason to believe that Patrick may have killed the jerk at the coffee shop, Tony, and attempted to kill our current police chief.
What?
Why?
Uh, because they ruined his life, in a nutshell.
Then your boy went all Mikey Douglas from Falling Down, which I saw again recently, by the way.
Hair was a bold choice, no way around that.
Between that and Ghost and the Darkness.
It's like he went temporarily...
You can do this, Carlton.
Why would he do this alone?
'Cause he's toast, Jules.
He's man toast.
And he wants to die in a monsoon of bullets, remember?
Hailstorm.
We meet again.
Patrick, right?
Okay, listen...
I totally get that you are on a rampage, against all the people that have wronged you, but...
I am not one of those people.
Oh, you are now.
Okay, just hear me out, man.
I am in bad shape right now, okay?
Mentally and physically.
I don't care, so make your move and let's do this.
Patrick, I would really rather not engage in an Old West style standoff at this particular moment, all right?
See, I've kind of a big deal happening in eight months and it has totally usurped my typically unbridled love of situations like this, so...
Lassie's not dying.
He's not?
Then what's going on?
He's having a little Lassie.
You see the thing is, I'm gonna be a father.
And I'm sure you can appreciate why I would really prefer that this end peacefully without any gun play.
No can do...
Okay, okay, just hang on.
Hang on.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever heard of a program called S.E.I.Z.E.?
Come on, son.
I'm sure your kid's life will be fine without you around.
My old man wasn't around and look at me.
So, make your move.
Sorry, did you say you were gonna take me away from my family?
Yes.
What kind of man would I be if I didn't make the world a safer place for my son?
I think I have to get in there.
Whoa, wait!
I think Lassie's getting his mojo back.
Having a baby shouldn't make me scared.
It should make me even sharper than I was before.
Is that right?
That's right, pal.
Because I'm Carlton "Danger" Lassiter.
You want to draw against me?
Say when.
What?
You're crazy, man.
You can't do that, you're a policeman.
No, I'm your Huckleberry.
You're my what?
Say when.
You should probably kiss the floor now.
Dawg, hell, I didn't know you was back in town.
That's awesome!
I'm so glad you're okay, Carlton.
And congratulations on the baby!
I'm gonna be a papa!
All right, I'm going in.
What's my play here?
Last letter in S.E.I.Z.E., right?
No, I bailed on that whole thing, man.
Zebras and eggs and I don't even remember what the I stood for.
I don't know.
Exactly.
Just go in there and be yourself.
Are you sure about that?
Go in there and be someone else.
Good luck, we're all counting on you.
Officer Lassiter, you delivered.
I was betting against you, because it's satisfying, but you pulled it off.
And for that you're gonna be rewarded.
You mean I'm back to being a detective?
No.
But in my current review of the financial budget for the city, I discovered there's some available funds for a department assigned driver.
Your driver.
That's right.
You'll be expected to deliver me to and from all my personal and business-related events.
When do I start?
Well, I ain't walking to my 7:30 spin class now, am I?
It's not about the fear of dying anymore, Henry, it's about time.
And my life is out here, chasing bad guys.
Carlton, I've made more mistakes in my life than I'd care to admit.
My marriage was doomed, my relationship with my son has been on life support far too long.
And it was all because of my love for the job.
But you know what I was too stupid to realize?
What?
There's always gonna be a bad guy to chase.
But your kid, your child, they're only gonna grow up once.
They're gonna look at you like you're the greatest thing in the world only for so long,