Émission TV: Californication - 4x1

previously on Californication.
jesus h.
christ hi, daddy -this is bill's daughter Mia -and this is hank.
you..you two know each other?
No.
i am 16 you know.
what's dis?
Hank's new book.
are you really 16?
i'm really 16.
this is really good.
it's not a memoir.
it's a written account of my sexual relation with you.
written by me as a fucking novel.
i know you set him up stole his book.
what are you gonna do about it, huh?
i gotta ask.
since you always tend to write exactly what you know.
what's the fucking deal?
you've done some fucked up shit in your time, but.
dint think you'd do that.
we havt to love him for who he is, not his potential.
drive the car.
Karen!
you're saying, three of us move to New York together?
well, soon yeah ok.
look what the cat dragged in.
what brings you to these fair parts?
doing a little signing reading in Venice.
i want you guys to come.
Paul Ryder,Mia's manager.
Quite the literary scandal we have here...
why would you tell him?
because i am in love with him.
think about karen think about becca.
Hank, it doesn't have to be this way.
stop!
you're fucked, Moody.
need to tell you something.
Ok.
Californication s04e01 preair Exile On Main St.
home, Skips.
hey, are you hungry?
you must be starved.
you know what?
come on, we'll go get something to eat.
grand slam breakfast, my treat.
i gotta get home.
i gotta face the music at some point.
what?
what?
you just had a look?
what look?
that shifty somewhat cunty look of yours!
i can't take you home, Palomino.
and why is that, Charlie?
been instructed not to.
by Karen?
and Marcy.
she told me she would kick my pale pock marked ass if i brought you home right now and i believe that crazy little bitch too get this?
we're splitting the sheets.
she signed the papers.
totally broke my heart.
really thought we were gonna work it out.
guess not.
Charlie!
what am i gonna do now?
Charlie!
ya?
i just got out of jail you're right.
i'm sorry.
you win you got it way worse right now.
get in the car.
there's something you should see.
how did it get out so fast?.
it's called the interweb, Hank, it's been around for a while.
remember how fast my masturbation video spread?
that was unnerving.
that was fun cos it was you.
yeah'.
Not me.
some story, huh?
ya.
to tell you the truth, i never thought he was much of a writer but now, the guy's my fucking hero.
i mean he hit that shit, right?
all i want is to get a taste of that sweet peach.
all right.
Peace.
ya.
Ok.
there you go.
another satisfied customer.
i am gonna ask you a question, Runkle.
and how you answer will determine whether or not i put this ciggarette out in your asshole will you take me the fuck home?
home it is my good man.
you're a useless fuck, you know that?
the man threatened physical violence, Marcy.
so did i, you stupid mutt.
you can't hurt me anymore, you know?
you already tore my fucking heart out.
go away, Hank.i am not gonna let you in .
i get it marcy.
you're a good friend.
you're a gatekeeper, but this is my home.
it's my family.
is it true?
man was framed.
yes, it's true but it's also hugely complicated.
i believe you.
i do.
but still...
its pretty fucking grody.
u're getting no arguement from me.
and whats d move here?
are you gonna step aside or am i gonna have to pick you up and move you inside like the beautiful little garden home that you are get the fuck out of her, Hank, before Becca comes home.
i'd like to see her.
how is she?
Oh, she's great.
she's fantastic.
i cant keep her off the computer though cos she doesnt believe a word of it.
she thinks you were set up.
do you wanna take that away from her?
do you wanna have to look her in the eye and tell her that you put your dick in a girl that's the same age as she is right now cos if you do, stick around.
fuck you!
wha?
well call me "mr bright side" but i think we are making some serious progress here.
what she wanted you to have a change of clothes.
that was very thoughtful of her.
so, the arraignment is tomorrow morning.
in the meantime i'll do whatever i can to play it down the assaulting battery.
do you have any questions?
yes.
do you mind if i smoke?
sure do.
Hank!
Hank!
Hank!
is there something i should know here?
such as?
is he retarded?
he's actually quite a good guy once you get to know him.
he's very pleasent.
very agreeable.
good to know.
because on paper he looks like a total piece of shit.
Abby here is the best there is in defending the unjustly accused.
hey, hey remember that poor guy who kept showing his penis to those laker girls?
she totally got him off.
impressive!
so what was it you wanted to do Abby, you know.
before?
Ok, i'll play.
before what?
before you sold out and went to law school.
up top.
Cute.
cant help but the guy's cute.
he's also a three time loser.
well now you're just name calling.
says here you were arrested for assaulting a filmmaker named Thad Carl.
shitty filmmaker named Thad Carl.
does it say shitty there?
cos it should.
well the charges were dropped with mr.
carl's request.
shortly thereafter, an altercation with a LAPD officer.
got off late probation.
how did you manage that one?
really?
he just had a vasectomy.
point being?
cop nightsticked him in the balls.
big misunderstanding.
o yeah?
tell that to my balls.
i still got a touch of the epididimitis.
whenever it flares up, i gotta soak my pouch in 4 inches of tepid bath water.
talk about a party.
you know what?
this is a big fucking waste of my time.
good luck to you, mr Moody.
apologise, you idiot.
Ok, look...
i'm sorry, that i talked about my balls.
my big beautiful balls.
it was inappropriate.
no no, i get it, i get it how serious this all is and i don't wanna waste your time.
really?
yes.
its just that i trust you to do whatever voodoo it is that you do..do.
for me.
so i'm gonna..i..i put myself in your hands.
i am putty for you .
i'll tumble for you.
i'll do whatever it takes.
start with a shower.
smell like you just walked out of a fisting contest.
i'll see you tomorrow morning.
dont be late.
she's good.
she totally nailed it the prodigal son returns.
does it make you wanna pleasure yourself huh?
just a little bit?
i wont lie?
its slight tumescent.
what are we doing here?
all to be revealed in good time my friend.
meanwhile i got to drain the hog.
Oh,cmon we all know that thing is thin, bent and uncircumsized.
dont bullshit me.
jesus christ!
how many times do i have to tell you?
i am not uncircumcised the moil just left a little too much foreskin.thats all.
a smidge.
just a smidge.
so its like cirqued the half way?
hey.
here.
you happy?
very much though.
thanks.
Not going to sleep with you.
oh...allrite.
you're not really my type anyway.
really?
yeah, yeah like i am older, am handicappe.
excuse me, handicapable.
well now, i am definitely for sure not going to sleep with you Hank.
Mia.
Ok.
you win,lady, you're officially creeping me out.
what...
what...what...what Sorry, professional hazard.
what do you do?
hello hello.
i see you two have already met.
No, she introduced herself to me as mia and totally bummed me out.
Charlie Runkle, i am so pleased to meet you.
huge fan.
my guy "friday", smooth, real smooth.
Hank Moody, Sasha Bingham.
Sasha Bingham.
what is you do, Sasha?
he's a kidder, this one.
he's a kidder.
he's kidding.
guys...
ladies...
she's a fucking movie star.
you nudnick.
how ma i supposed to know?
well look, open your eyes!
i've been in jail, Charlie.
look!
look!
i've been in jail.
you've been in jail for 72 hours, Hank?
a lot can happen in a week-end.
just come with me.
come with me.
look, when i was in junior high, i saw fast times.
Fast times, great fucking movie.
jesus.
Christ runkle, settle down.
Sorry.
i'm sorry.
Continue, please.
thank you, Roger Ebert.
so, anyway, Phoebe Cates took off her top and it changed my life.
which is why i wanna take fucking and punching and give my inner 12 year old the movie he fucking deserves.
i am not gonna lie to you,i am a big fan of your gratuitous nudity.
forget it, Sasha Bingham is America's sweetheart, the girl next door.
she's not gonna do any gratuitous nudity.
Nudity?
i dont give a fuck about the nudity.
i have great tits.
Great tits!
and if i am ever gonna show them on screen now is the time.
now is the time!
you know, a lot of actresses say that, just to say that...
uh-huh yeah.
holy shit.
oh sweet lord there?
you happy?
i am having heart palpitations.
you know what, Runk?
i am glad i came.
i am glad you came too.
what i care about is the script.
because right now its a fucking mess.
agreed, it needs some work.
a lot of work.
i mean the only reason why i am even considering this is because of how much i love the book.
cheers.
not only this lady has bodacious tatas she also has spledifarous taste in literature.
that she does.
and considering that you actually wrote the book that i love, how about you rewrite the script that i loathe?
No.
No.
No.
my adventures in the screen trade hav been about as much as fun as "forced anal".
not that forced anal cant be fun.
u're a fantastic writer, Hank.
you know what?
i like where this is going.
i am not immune to kind words, especially when they are so true.
Please continue.
uh..
for what its worth, Hank, i wanted you to adapt the book, back when i first auctioned it.
and i was dissapointed when you passed.
i passed?
ya.
i did?
i..
no, i dont remember getting that offer.
i passed, on your behalf.
thought it'd be too weird for you.
and you wonder why my carrer is in such disrepair?
i never wonder about that.
Call me a scumbag, but there is a real moment right here.
with Sasha's interest, and with Hank's face all over the news right now, we'd to be at sundance this time next year.
Let me handle this.
well you then, handle it motherfucker.
in process.
i am in process.
Ok.
ladies and gentlemen, i apologise i've already said too much.
i just got out of jail, and i havent slept,eaten or pardon me my lady,taken a decent crap in days.
except this coffee, does..
does seem to be working.
yes indeed, it is time to release the kracken.
all right, i wanna thank each and very one of you.specially you sasha bingham you say you have great tits and i most certainly concurr but that ass of yours is no slouch either.
i want this movie.
Oh, we want you to want this movie.
what was the question?
i am sorry, i am incredibly high right now.
look, i have a window and i want this to be my next thing, but the script has to be right.
and the man dropping the deuces here has the best shot of getting it there.
so if not, there is always CAA.
i am in town for a few days..let you guys know where to find me "when the student is ready the master appears."
is that a quote?
i dont know what that means.
well, it would appear...
that i have something that you want .
i am sorry.
something that you need.
Ok.
i'll play this game.
what is it you want, Runkle?
how can we help you help your client?
ah,see thats what i love.
thats what i miss.
being part of the team.
helping wildly talented people achieve their wildest dreams.
having an expense account, um car allowance, a young nubile assistant to fetch me my caramel macchiato.
done!
you convince your client to take this job, make sure he doesnt shit the bed and you can have your old job back.
happy?
oh just one little thing.
try keeping your fucking dick in your pants this time or i will rip it off with my bare hands.
i promise.
this one's on me.
oh!
thank you drinks on the house.
how do u do it?
its an old Jedi mind trick.
cant believe i never asked you this before, but...
how many?
how many?
how many?
how many broads have you balled?
broads?
balled?
who are you right now?
Ok, fine.
how many women to whom have you madeth the love?
i dont wanna know that kinda shit.
you dont want that information rattling around in your head making you feel all feminine emasculated and shit sure i do.
trust me.
somethings are better left to your limited imagination.
you wanna know how many women i have slept with?
No.
No, no, no.
sure you do.
just talking about slepping with women is making me sleepy.
one...
eleven.
eleven.
eleven.
oh, thats double digits, sounds good.
perfectally respectable number for a cocksmith of your caliber.
and reminds me of spinal tip.
cheers.
i gotta get it up to a hundred.
Triple digits.
then i can die happy.
well u may have to criogenetically freeze your cock and attach it to Bradd Pitt to get there, buddy boy.
you dont htink i can do it?
No,no.
i dont think it matters.
eleven women.
who's your favourite?
Marcy.
you see that?
you had the magic puss and you lost it.
you think balling 89 more broads is going to make you feel any better about that?
it would certainly be a start.
you think...
you think that lady lawyer was, you think she was right?
About what?
she called me a "piece of shit".
on paper.
she said you were a piece of shit on paper.
still.
you're not a piece of shit, Hank.
paper or otherwise.
you may be my worse client, but...
you've always been my best friend.
and we love you very long time.
i refuse to be no.
12, Charlie.
Oh, i wasnt counting the guys.
hey can i crash with you guys tonite?
you think marcy will mind if i take the master?
cant do it, Hank.
Ok, i'll flip you for it.
No!
what?
the cunty look.
stop.
put your face back.
you...
got another meeting.
No...
we'd be meeting and then greeting..
Fuck you, Charlie.
i'm not doing this.
i told her you would.
well, thats your problem.
I just wanna go the fuck home.
you dont got one.
you're homeless.
get used to it.
i wanna go to your place.
my place?
my place is a fucking escrow.
i am living on borrowed time and house that dont belong to me with a women who no longer wants anything to do with me you're not the only exile on main street, Hank.
whatever.
i'll just settle for a decent night's sleep, at dis point.
or maybe your newest bestest friend will let you crash.
bullshit.
i have like, 0 interest in chasing town right now.
thats fine.
totally understandable.
but you should have interest in chasing this job.
you always talk a big game about doing the good work , and fighting the good fight, well here's your chance.
stop feeling so fucking sorry for youself , and get in there...
and carpe the fuck out of this shit.
we're sure this is about rewriting my history, not yours so what if it is?
you think i wouldnt jump at the chance to get back some version of what i lost?
you dont think i deserve that?
fine.
i'll give it a shot.
i knew you would.
asshole.
attaboy douchebag.
proud of you.
hi.
come on in.
wow when you said you had some notes...
you had some fucking notes.
do they make sense?
uh they will, eventually when i get around to reading the script.
i think we're pretty much on the same page...
or pages, pages, pages, pages.
you look tired.
yeah'...
its been a long life.
go home.
i would if i could, i aint got one i am homeless you're pretty handosme, for a homeless fella.
i dont know that.
but i do have great tits.
well you can creah if you want.as you can see i have plenty of room.
Too much, actually.
that is, that is pretty tempting.
as it should be.
you're beautiful bed.
dont worry.
i'd be the perfect gentlemen.
i've been hurt before.
c,mon.
so..
one more question about the characters.
Shoot.
what does Mia want?
Mia wants what all girls want...
a guy thats gay enough to curl up and watch project runway with.
what does Hank want?
Hank...
wants to close his eyes wake up in his own bed, next to the love of his life, sleep to the sweet melifuluous sound of his daughter's heavy metal guitar coming from the bedroom next.
you really love them, dont you?
so much so that the words themselves sound unspeakably lame.
god, thats hot.
liar.
Another hazard of the profession.
besides, you know what they say.
No, i dont know what they say.
if you cant be with the one you love...
stop, stop.
again...the unspeakably lame i know.
thats why i need a rider.
what was it like?
what was what like?
the punch.
well.....there's only one way to find out you wanna give it a shot?
really?
yeah.
cmon.
you're like a girl...
jesus christ!
it was a punch, darling, not a slap!
allright.
harder.
harder?
harder.
harder.
Hank Moody and Mia Lewis...
they had the sex!
Pilates.
thanks for the F&P.
love S.
jeeeeeesus!
holster that thing, would you?.
nice cock, by the way.
very manly.
this old thing?
what are you still doing here, Runk?
Number 12.
the waitress last night at the bar.
totally out of my league.
totally!
ride on the Runk!
Number 12...
thank you.
we got no time to celebrate though.
you're late for your arraignment.
Fuck me!
.
thank you skeeves.
go get'em.
hey lady lawyer!
look who's here?
jesus.
what?
what happened to your face?
whoa thats kinds life imitating art imitating...
forget it, i..
i dont wanna know.
good call.
best not to know.
should we do this?
No need, they're dropping the assault charges.
thank you.
thank you, thank you, thank you.
thats the good news.
ya?
Hank Moody?
guilty.
dont say that.
we have a warrant for your arrest.
jesus...
fuck.
what now?
well like i said the DEA office is willing to drop the assault charges.
thats the good news whats the bad news?
you're being charged with statuatory rape.
lets go.
what happened?
defending your friend became a hell of a lot more intersting.
wha...