Programa de TV: Six Feet Under - 4x3
OK, Ashley, your turn.
Pick someone. "
Gupta, Sandeep."
No Indian people.
We'll get in trouble.
We should stop doing this.
How about Mr and Mrs Gerald Gurvitz?
Yes, do them.
OK.
Hello?
Hi, is Gerald there?
What time is it?
Who is this?
He'll know.
Honey, wake up.
Something's wrong.
May I ask what this is regarding?
Tell him he left his underwear here.
Excuse me?
What is it?
Hang up!
Put it on speaker!
There's a woman on the phone and she says that you left your underwear at her house.
That's...
That's not possible.
God damn it, Gerald!
I could kill you, Gerry.
What did you do?
Better hang up, Ashley.
I'm dying!
Jesus.
What is it?
Just kids.
I'm gonna call the police.
I've got caller ID, you little idiots.
Kaitlin?
My God.
Kaitlin, are you OK?
Oh, my God!
Mrs Stolte!
Kaitlin!
Kaitlin!
Mrs Stolte...
I am so, so sorry.
Cancer?
Yes.
Yes, cancer.
I'm here.
I'm here for you.
OK, better.
But use "we're here", not "I'm here".
You're not their friend.
Easy on the touching.
Even funeral directors have to beware of transference.
David, you are, quite simply put, the best I've ever worked with.
Arthur, I'm the only one you've ever worked with.
OK.
This one's all you.
Yes, sir.
Something youthful, something white.
Perhaps white with her favourite colour.
Her favourite colour is light blue.
I thought it was purple.
It used to be purple.
This year it changed to light blue.
Sky blue.
She's only 14.
That is so young.
It is.
It is so young.
Might I suggest white with a periwinkle silk lining?
Periwinkle is sort of in-between purple and light blue.
I think she might like that.
She would like that.
That's good.
OK, that's all we need for now.
I'll send photos over later.
We didn't know we had to bring photos.
Of course not.
How could you?
I'll see you out.
Claire, could you come get this?
Nice.
People collect those.
It's kind of racist.
That's why I put it up there back in the '60s.
Put it with all the other things in that pile over there.
Did you start making piles in your room yet?
I still have to go through some old piles, then I'll make some new ones.
I've made a schedule for the garage sale.
With a plan in place, we'll be free to deviate.
As long as we're free to deviate.
So are we just selling our stuff to make room for George or will he get rid of some of his stuff, too?
Like perhaps his Tupperware thing full of shit.
Sorry.
What are we calling it?
We're not calling it anything.
It's long gone.
There are a lot of things that aren't even mine.
Like that Mammy cookie jar.
That comes from your father's side.
A lot of stuff needs to go.
I'd prefer it if people could just come upstairs and, like, bid on my entire room.
I'm sure Nate has a few things he probably doesn't need to have around.
Monkey.
Monkey.
I'm crazy about the new Range Rovers.
You can't drive an SUV with a straight face.
I don't see another way.
Not a minivan.
Oh, no, fuck that.
Hey, there's that poor guy whose wife drowned.
I know, that is so sad.
He's hot though?
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you two?
-We're fine, thank you.
You're Nate, right?
I'm Madeline.
Madeline, hi.
This is Linda.
How are you?
And I know Maya.
Hello, Maya.
Wanna get down and play?
All right.
There you go.
All right.
Hey, you guys going to Jimmy's thing tonight?
I'm so sick of Jimmy's things.
I actually think we're not going.
We're all going.
It's not like there's anything better to do.
What time are you guys getting there?
Don't forget about that thing in Chinatown.
We should go to that.
We'll go there first and get to Jimmy's at ten.
Excellent, good.
I will see you there.
Not going.
God, that moustache is repulsive.
I can't believe I loved him.
I thought you guys were just friends.
No, he was my serious boyfriend, like, all of freshman year.
I could've have sworn he was gay.
He's knitting.
Haven't you noticed?
A lot of straight guys knit.
It's a macho thing. "
I'm so straight I can even knit."
OK, so he's actually not gay?
Don't even ask me.
At the time he had, like, severe bi-curious issues.
Why don't you want to go to Jimmy's thing?
He's, like, the Matthew Barney of LAC Arts.
Right, he wishes.
I already told Edie we were going.
She's going?
Yeah, she's always at his things.
Not bad.
If Jessica Simpson is the poor man's Britney, what's Celeste?
Maybe a thinking man's Britney.
Her music is inspirational to young girls. "
I'm not just an object, I am somebody."
Like Christina.
Yeah, but without the ass hanging out of the chaps.
Got it.
I'd like to see your ass hanging out of some chaps!
OK, never.
You know I hate that shit.
So do you get to meet Celeste tomorrow?
No, I'm the third line of defence.
You don't meet the big stars until you've proven you're not a freak.
Remember Cameron Diaz?
OK, definitely do not do that in front of Celeste or any of Celeste's "people", OK, freak? "
Shave my legs for free"?
Those aren't the words!
Condom.
Come on, come on!
You got it?
OK?
Almost, almost.
Wait a second.
I'll take care of it.
I hate these things.
Let's just...
let's do something else.
Let me make you come.
No, I want to make you come.
No, then there's this expectation.
I hate expectations.
Just let me try.
I don't want to try.
Here...
OK.
Just lay down...
lay back...
and shush.
I can't get rid of this goofy smile.
If I can get this right, I think I can bring her lips down a little bit.
May I ask what technique you'll employ?
Yes.
It's called the full MacKew.
I've threaded ligature through her nasal cartilage.
I thought that was called a half MacKew.
If I'd stopped there, it would've been a half MacKew, but watch.
I'm going downward through her gum line here and using her jawbone to anchor the thread before I tie it off.
Fascinating.
Arthur, you ready to go?
Federico, if it's all right with you, I'll return in one and one-half hours.
Maybe a little longer if we decide to get lunch after.
I'll wash up and meet you in the foyer.
You guys are getting lunch?
Shopping, then lunch.
Wow, shopping.
Would you like to join us?
No, no, I have work to do.
OK.
This one won't stop smiling.
I wish I knew what the fuck was so funny.
Hello?
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Come on in.
Look, Jaden, tu amiga is here!
Hey, Maya, hi.
Hey, if she wants to go and play, you can just let her go.
She hasn't really played with many kids yet.
At this age, they play next to each other, not with each other.
It's called parallel play.
You want to get down?
Wanna go play?
There you go.
There she goes.
Oh, here, I'll take that.
OK, Miss Madeline.
Come, hija.
So...do you want a smoothie?
Sure, sure.
Wanna play with the monkey?
You like monkeys?
Must be a late wedding present.
The card says, "To Mr and Mrs George Sibley."
I like the sound of that.
Mrs George...
Oh, dear!
What did we get?
What's that smell?
It appears to be excrement again.
No way!
Except this time someone went to the trouble to place one inside a decorative tin. "
To Mr and Mrs George Sibley."
No signature.
Imagine that.
This is a catastrophe of the highest order.
This involves both of us now.
Who knows you live here?
Why don't you care about this?
I've made a lot of enemies through the years.
Take the back-stabbing world of academia, throw in a controversial field like geology, you've got trouble.
Geology is controversial?
Oil, Claire.
Oil.
Look, this is from a person who quite obviously is looking for a reaction.
Somebody who needs attention.
That person isn't in the room.
He can't see my reaction.
Good point, Mom.
Maybe it's one of your mother's old lovers.
My lovers?
The Greek one.
He was Russian.
Are you leaving, Claire?
Yeah.
Toss this in the dumpster, would you?
I think I'll let you do that, George.
Oh, Lord.
Put back to me.
I like you in brown.
Is this brown or is this grey?
Charka.
See, chocolate.
I thought he said charcoal.
Charka.
OK, take off now.
What did you find?
Normally I'd never shop in the Valley.
This place ain't bad.
There's a rack of marked-down Jil Sander.
Plus some John Varvatos, Hugo Boss and a pair of Prada shoes for $100.
Where's Arthur?
Changing.
Maybe we should buy him a whole new wardrobe.
Do they ever do that? "
Queer Eye for the Gay Guy"?
I don't think Arthur's gay, I think he's A.
I think asexual people are asexual because they don't wanna come out of the closet.
You really think Arthur might be gay?
Yeah.
Breaks my heart.
I'm gonna go try a couple of these on.
You'd look good in this.
David, I need new clothes for work, not gay ski weekend at Mammoth.
I'm gonna buy you the suit, OK?
No, I couldn't possibly let you do that.
I want to.
Besides, it's a business expense.
If I had a father, this is the kind of thing he'd do for me.
Or even an elder sibling.
It's just a suit.
Hey, Nicole.
You like the way this sounds, huh?
The guy goes, if I wanted my food stamps, I should've been on time.
He said I had to call the social worker, but she's out all week.
Anyway, my friend's here so I'm gonna go right now.
Bye.
We should get Nicole some toys.
That top is kid safe...
but, yeah, she needs some new toys.
I didn't know you got food stamps.
Yeah, they're from before I was working at the club.
I can afford food.
It's just, if I get the food stamps, then I can save the cash for something else.
Hey, you OK?
I don't want Nicole to see me cry.
It's just I've been a little freaked out lately because I'm completely exhausted.
I think it's because I have the lupus.
Oh, shit, are you serious?
No?
What...
It's caused by leaking implants.
I feel like one of 'em ruptured and there's poison silicone roaming around my body.
Jeez.
Did you see a doctor?
Did you...
Not yet, not yet.
Oh, my God, Sophia.
Hey, listen, it's gonna be OK.
All right?
Maybe we should...
maybe we should pray.
Rico, I don't need prayer, I need surgery.
Medical surgery!
Plus if I get one boob done, they're not gonna match.
I have to get them both re-done, which is, like, five grand!
Unless you put the payment plan, which is, like, $1,500 deposit.
I'm not asking you for the money.
God, I should have never told you.
If I were to give you the $1,500 for the deposit, do you think that maybe you can pay me back?
I don't know where I could get $1,500 in a chunk like that.
Well, you can pay me back whatever you have whenever you have it.
I'll just give you the money.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
My angel.
Nicole, God sent us an angel.
Thank you.
You have a great life.
Thanks.
Do I need a coaster?
No, you can put it anywhere.
OK, so this is the book I was telling you about.
His name is Thich Nhat Hanh.
He says that it all starts with learning how to breathe so...
Thich Nhat Hanh.
So, if I read this book, I'll be happy?
It's not that simple.
So what is it?
You seem to be happy.
You ought to know.
God, well...
I don't know.
I guess for me it all started with my divorce, actually, and then making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom.
I mean it's hard, not working, but I love being with Jaden so...
When she's not with her nannies.
OK, one is a nanny and the other is a housekeeper.
OK.
So this...
Is this what you wanted your life to be?
This is actually better than I expected.
It smells so good in here.
Thich Nhat Hanh?
Right.
That fireplace work?
Yeah.
It's OK.
What's OK?
About fucking time!
Everybody kept asking, "When are Claire and Anita getting here?"
I said, how the fuck should I know?
How 'bout it, my ladies?
Whoa!
You're quite the host.
Everything I do, I do for you.
Do you have a lighter?
I've got fire.
Go, your serene hotness.
Better now.
Me, me.
That better not be you, Russell.
Hey, you.
How long have you been here?
Too long.
Hey, I like your skirt.
Did you make it?
Maybe I did.
You are so talented.
Look at that.
This always happens.
I get stoned and then I'm locked in this prison.
What, you're paranoid?
God, please, no one thinks anything bad.
You're the beautiful, fair, untouchable art princess.
No, I'm not so much paranoid.
More like I'd rather choose to just be this observer.
For one, I know that if I feel any vibe about any guy, I should know it means red flag, red flag!
Beyond that, basically I hate everyone.
I hate her...and her.
And that guy with the fucking Boy Scout jacket.
Like, is that supposed to be ironic?
Yeah, I would say more misanthrope than paranoid.
Yeah, but I'm also so tired of hating everything, you know?
I mean, truly.
Check one, two.
People, focus.
The person on stage needs to be looked at.
Are you incredibly stoned?
No.
Does she do this a lot?
All the time.
I miss you.
Shut it.
..great American art school poseur jerk-off extravaganza.
Anyone near the stage, we call that the splash zone so you may wanna stand back.
I'm not responsible for dry-cleaning bills.
Yeah, baby.
Jesus Christ.
This girl is ding-dong out of her mind.
You're the only girl here.
Yeah, baby!
Yeah, baby!
I wish I had my camera.
Yeah, baby!
Yeah, baby!
Please enter.
Well...
Hello, Mrs...
Ruth.
Arthur, I have something to say to you.
Please.
What we had was very special, but it's in the past.
We can't hold grudges and be angry with one another.
I hold no grudges with you.
I'm happy that you...appear so happy.
Arthur, this has to stop!
I know that you sent us the faeces box and the faeces gift basket.
Ruth!
Do you know how horrified I am that you think I could commit an act so heinous?
You don't know me at all, do you?
I know that you're frustrated, sitting idly by as George and I fall deeper and deeper in love each day.
But we had our chance, we had our time...
We never had a chance!
So...you are harbouring feelings.
I do harbour feelings.
I'm human...
and I'm a man.
You of all people should know that.
But I would never send those things to you.
I could never send you...
poo.
Ever.
I wish I could believe you.
I wish you could, too.
Now, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Is this the line?
Yeah.
So this course I'm taking, Recovery From Madness, the woman who teaches it was actually, or is, bipolar.
Do you have to be bipolar to get in?
It helps.
Anyway, she wrote this incredible book explaining what it feels like.
She's kind of a pioneer.
Here.
Thank you.
Don't thank me.
I could wait on you hand and foot all day.
I'm serious.
It would make me a very happy man.
You know last night when I was putting on that condom...
Listen, I should just go back on the pill.
It won't be a problem.
No, no, no.
I used to think that I had a problem staying hard or whatever.
Hey, no, it's OK, really.
No, then I realised that I'm totally hard when I...
You know, like when people role...
I really like that dynamic when, one person is boss and the other person is sort of, like, more dominant or the other person's a little more sub...
I'm not explaining this very well.
No, you're...
You're explaining it fine.
It's actually...
You don't need to explain it any more.
I know everyone has their thing.
I've known prostitutes and dominatrixes.
I've been to sex clubs and leather clubs.
I've heard of guys who can only come if...
I don't know, the girl is sitting on a balloon.
I wrote this whole erotic novella about a girl who...
I was hoping that we could be...
We can be anything, I'm not...
No.
I was hoping that...
we...
could have normal sex.
Like, normal sex?
Yeah, normal sex.
The way normal people do it.
Normal people have sex, right?
Yeah, I presume so.
They don't turn it all into fantasy or get drunk or smoke pot to make it interesting.
We can smoke pot.
I can get pot.
I don't want to smoke pot.
I smoked so much pot, it was...
It made me me.
Now all those things just seem like an escape from sex.
All right, well, I'll put some thought into exploring my normal side.
That's not what I was saying.
But, anyway, look...
I should go to bed.
I've got class tomorrow.
So I'm going home?
If you need to.
Yeah.
Yuck.
Spinnies.
Are you gonna barf in my bed?
Nah.
I can get a garbage can and put it next to you if you want.
Nah.
I can't believe I drank so much and didn't even have fun.
I can't believe I made out with Russell.
He's a really good kisser.
Yeah.
So is Edie, like, full-time lesbian or is she just, like, art school bi-girl?
No, hardcore.
Like, totally lesbian feminist.
Is she going out with that girl?
That red-haired girl with the Wife Beater?
You OK, Anita?
Maybe I could use that garbage can.
Arthur? "
To the Fisher family. "
I am sorry to inform you that I am resigning from Fisher & Diaz, "as well as releasing tenancy of my room in the Fisher residence. "
I no longer feel comfortable in these surroundings.
Best, Arthur."
Who's Arthur?
Who are you?
This is my friend Anita.
That's my brother David.
And this is my brother Nate.
Hi.
Hey.
Arthur quit.
Oh, that's too bad.
What happened?
I just bought him a suit.
Well, I got to go.
I have to take Maya over to her new friend Jaden's house for a play date.
Cool.
Leave.
Maya has places to be.
I'll be fine.
Two-year-olds have friendships?
Yeah, they met at Mommy and Me and hit it off.
Where's all your garage sale stuff?
I don't have any.
Look, everything I have, I need.
Don't ask.
I wonder if Arthur felt pressured.
Like Keith and I were trying to welcome-wagon him into Gayland.
Gayland?
Please, Arthur had a thing with Mom.
In fact, I'm pretty sure they were fuck buddies.
Arthur and Mom?
Yeah, she was very vague about it, but I know something went on.
Scott, I'm putting you out in the audience in case some freak got in.
Keith, you're the designated for Celeste.
Got it.
Park it outside her dressing room.
Don't let anybody in except for the rabbi and lawyer.
Just those two guys, check.
No, they're the same guy.
Copy that.
Fred, I think I've already made this perfectly clear.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm fine doing the crappy Kids' Choice Awards, but I will not present with Hilary fucking Duff.
There has to be someone else.
Come on, think a little harder than that.
The Olsen twins?
What, is that supposed to be funny?
Hi, it's me.
I miss you.
Where are you?
Hi.
How you doing?
Good.
She in there?
I believe so.
I'm not supposed to allow anybody in.
I understand, but I'm Ellen.
It's my show so...
Right.
Not a threat.
That's a pretty blouse.
That doesn't sound manly.
Nice shirt.
Is that mauve or mauve?
Yeah.
Pretty.
Excuse me.
Celeste.
Hi, I'm Ellen.
I know that.
Pineapple?
No, thank you.
It's like my brain is encased in this fluid and if I move, then the fluid moves and my brain kills.
Or it could be encephalitis.
Here, try my soda.
Looks like you sold my TV.
Yeah, I got 50.
Your little boys are so cute.
The big one looks exactly like his daddy.
Yeah, his daddy's gonna buy some more junk and we're gonna spend the 50 we just made!
Control Freaks is the movie and Colin Farrell, who she's just friends with...
We're just friends.
He's really sweet.
Whatever you say.
So let's talk a little bit about the CD.
Me.
Here.
Nowl Me.
Here.
Nowl And is it me, comma, here, comma, now?
No, me, period, here, period, nowl Exclamation.
It is strong.
It's about me being here right now.
I want my fans, all the girls out there, to know that the most important thing is to be yourself and to be here, now.
That's right.
And this is who you are in the now.
But if you were someone different yesterday or even tomorrow, that's still who you are.
It's now, although it was before or maybe later.
But it's you in the then.
Uh-huh, and it comes out in two weeks.
Oh, my God!
Creepy Colin Farrell just left me another creepy message.
Can't we do something about that?
Legally?
I guess that's it.
Keith, did you use the bathroom in Celeste's dressing room?
Yeah, but that's when she was doing the show.
No one was around so I thought...
It's not cool, OK?
OK, I'm sorry.
You do not use the client's can ever.
Got it.
I think I know who sent us the...
The shit?
Yes, the shit.
I believe it was Arthur.
Arthur?
Arthur quit today after I confronted him.
You should probably know that Arthur and I once had something.
I don't know why I didn't tell you.
No need.
It's none of my business.
He doesn't seem like someone you'd be attracted to.
Well, it wasn't...
It wasn't a relationship.
But we did care deeply for one another.
We understood one another, had similar interests.
Similar interests?
Like sex?
No, no, it wasn't like that.
We had our own language.
We nuzzled.
I don't know what you mean.
The way horses nuzzle.
Like a head rubbing.
Head-butting.
You butted heads?
You make it sound so sordid.
Look, we did this.
Stop it.
It was quite lovely.
It wasn't funny.
No.
Yes, maybe we were a little crazy.
It's called a folie � deux.
Two people confusing a momentary insanity for love.
Is that what it's called?
I'm sorry, Jaden and I have to go meet some people at The Grove.
No, it's fine, I just thought...
Hey, did you get my bed all wet?
I thought you were coming back.
I wish.
Maya and I could stay here with the nanny.
I could pop in a movie for her.
We could be waiting when you get back.
You're funny.
God, these sheets feel so good.
I've never felt anything like them.
Where are they from?
I need you to leave.
Right.
So it's that easy?
What is?
I mean, how are people supposed to do this exactly?
Am I supposed to avoid that particular Mommy and Me class or you'll send your nanny so you can avoid looking at me and seeing what I thought I saw in you...
until I just cease to exist?
And so do you.
Nate...are you OK?
I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this.
You have to leave.
We'll go.
OK, I'll wait for you downstairs.
Oh, God.
You got in trouble?
What, did you ask for her autograph or something or look her in the eye?
No, worse.
I peed in her john.
What, you mean, like, on the toilet seat?
No, I lifted the seat.
I just used the same toilet she did, which apparently is a major faux pas.
Well, if it helps, my day sucked, too.
Arthur quit.
Yeah, I'm in hell.
And I'll probably never be home in time for dinner again.
So where's your other brother?
What's your problem?
In love with my brother now?
I just asked where he was.
God, if no one buys this stuff, I am not dragging it back upstairs.
I'm just not feeling this hippy-dippy paisley crap any more.
It's, like, suddenly I just feel modern and simple.
I just want, like, white plastic furniture.
Why not just trash all the shit you don't want or take it to the thrift store?
Yeah, or burn it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Hey, Mom.
Mom, why don't we just burn what's left over?
We can't.
Some of this stuff is valuable.
Sure you wanna save this?
That was Arthur's pouch.
Couple pennies in it.
I think you're right, Claire.
Let's burn it.
Let's burn it all.
I missed you.
You were so far away.
All the way across the courtyard.
It was nice knowing where you were even when we weren't talking.
Were we not talking?
Not officially, I guess.
So this question of normal sex...
I know.
It is so silly.
I don't know why I said it.
I don't even know what I meant.
I think I just wanted so much to do it right this time and I thought...
Funny, cos the more I thought about it, the more normal sex just seemed like...
you know, bad sex.
I know.
I think, ideally, sex for me should be this...
you know, revealing of myself.
Ourselves, maybe.
And I think that can be a loving thing, too.
Right?
Don't...
don't take Brenda apart and just sort of hand me the good stuff.
I want all the stuff, even the bad stuff.
What?
So...
what was it that you wanted to say?
Well...
remember when I said I could wait on you hand and foot?
What's this?
You look weird.
Hey, can you hold her?
Don't let her get too close to the fire.
OK.
Mom, I'm moving back into the house.
OK.
You can have Arthur's room.
Can I have the coach house then?
Well, I don't see why not.
English
Pick someone. "
Gupta, Sandeep."
No Indian people.
We'll get in trouble.
We should stop doing this.
How about Mr and Mrs Gerald Gurvitz?
Yes, do them.
OK.
Hello?
Hi, is Gerald there?
What time is it?
Who is this?
He'll know.
Honey, wake up.
Something's wrong.
May I ask what this is regarding?
Tell him he left his underwear here.
Excuse me?
What is it?
Hang up!
Put it on speaker!
There's a woman on the phone and she says that you left your underwear at her house.
That's...
That's not possible.
God damn it, Gerald!
I could kill you, Gerry.
What did you do?
Better hang up, Ashley.
I'm dying!
Jesus.
What is it?
Just kids.
I'm gonna call the police.
I've got caller ID, you little idiots.
Kaitlin?
My God.
Kaitlin, are you OK?
Oh, my God!
Mrs Stolte!
Kaitlin!
Kaitlin!
Mrs Stolte...
I am so, so sorry.
Cancer?
Yes.
Yes, cancer.
I'm here.
I'm here for you.
OK, better.
But use "we're here", not "I'm here".
You're not their friend.
Easy on the touching.
Even funeral directors have to beware of transference.
David, you are, quite simply put, the best I've ever worked with.
Arthur, I'm the only one you've ever worked with.
OK.
This one's all you.
Yes, sir.
Something youthful, something white.
Perhaps white with her favourite colour.
Her favourite colour is light blue.
I thought it was purple.
It used to be purple.
This year it changed to light blue.
Sky blue.
She's only 14.
That is so young.
It is.
It is so young.
Might I suggest white with a periwinkle silk lining?
Periwinkle is sort of in-between purple and light blue.
I think she might like that.
She would like that.
That's good.
OK, that's all we need for now.
I'll send photos over later.
We didn't know we had to bring photos.
Of course not.
How could you?
I'll see you out.
Claire, could you come get this?
Nice.
People collect those.
It's kind of racist.
That's why I put it up there back in the '60s.
Put it with all the other things in that pile over there.
Did you start making piles in your room yet?
I still have to go through some old piles, then I'll make some new ones.
I've made a schedule for the garage sale.
With a plan in place, we'll be free to deviate.
As long as we're free to deviate.
So are we just selling our stuff to make room for George or will he get rid of some of his stuff, too?
Like perhaps his Tupperware thing full of shit.
Sorry.
What are we calling it?
We're not calling it anything.
It's long gone.
There are a lot of things that aren't even mine.
Like that Mammy cookie jar.
That comes from your father's side.
A lot of stuff needs to go.
I'd prefer it if people could just come upstairs and, like, bid on my entire room.
I'm sure Nate has a few things he probably doesn't need to have around.
Monkey.
Monkey.
I'm crazy about the new Range Rovers.
You can't drive an SUV with a straight face.
I don't see another way.
Not a minivan.
Oh, no, fuck that.
Hey, there's that poor guy whose wife drowned.
I know, that is so sad.
He's hot though?
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you two?
-We're fine, thank you.
You're Nate, right?
I'm Madeline.
Madeline, hi.
This is Linda.
How are you?
And I know Maya.
Hello, Maya.
Wanna get down and play?
All right.
There you go.
All right.
Hey, you guys going to Jimmy's thing tonight?
I'm so sick of Jimmy's things.
I actually think we're not going.
We're all going.
It's not like there's anything better to do.
What time are you guys getting there?
Don't forget about that thing in Chinatown.
We should go to that.
We'll go there first and get to Jimmy's at ten.
Excellent, good.
I will see you there.
Not going.
God, that moustache is repulsive.
I can't believe I loved him.
I thought you guys were just friends.
No, he was my serious boyfriend, like, all of freshman year.
I could've have sworn he was gay.
He's knitting.
Haven't you noticed?
A lot of straight guys knit.
It's a macho thing. "
I'm so straight I can even knit."
OK, so he's actually not gay?
Don't even ask me.
At the time he had, like, severe bi-curious issues.
Why don't you want to go to Jimmy's thing?
He's, like, the Matthew Barney of LAC Arts.
Right, he wishes.
I already told Edie we were going.
She's going?
Yeah, she's always at his things.
Not bad.
If Jessica Simpson is the poor man's Britney, what's Celeste?
Maybe a thinking man's Britney.
Her music is inspirational to young girls. "
I'm not just an object, I am somebody."
Like Christina.
Yeah, but without the ass hanging out of the chaps.
Got it.
I'd like to see your ass hanging out of some chaps!
OK, never.
You know I hate that shit.
So do you get to meet Celeste tomorrow?
No, I'm the third line of defence.
You don't meet the big stars until you've proven you're not a freak.
Remember Cameron Diaz?
OK, definitely do not do that in front of Celeste or any of Celeste's "people", OK, freak? "
Shave my legs for free"?
Those aren't the words!
Condom.
Come on, come on!
You got it?
OK?
Almost, almost.
Wait a second.
I'll take care of it.
I hate these things.
Let's just...
let's do something else.
Let me make you come.
No, I want to make you come.
No, then there's this expectation.
I hate expectations.
Just let me try.
I don't want to try.
Here...
OK.
Just lay down...
lay back...
and shush.
I can't get rid of this goofy smile.
If I can get this right, I think I can bring her lips down a little bit.
May I ask what technique you'll employ?
Yes.
It's called the full MacKew.
I've threaded ligature through her nasal cartilage.
I thought that was called a half MacKew.
If I'd stopped there, it would've been a half MacKew, but watch.
I'm going downward through her gum line here and using her jawbone to anchor the thread before I tie it off.
Fascinating.
Arthur, you ready to go?
Federico, if it's all right with you, I'll return in one and one-half hours.
Maybe a little longer if we decide to get lunch after.
I'll wash up and meet you in the foyer.
You guys are getting lunch?
Shopping, then lunch.
Wow, shopping.
Would you like to join us?
No, no, I have work to do.
OK.
This one won't stop smiling.
I wish I knew what the fuck was so funny.
Hello?
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Come on in.
Look, Jaden, tu amiga is here!
Hey, Maya, hi.
Hey, if she wants to go and play, you can just let her go.
She hasn't really played with many kids yet.
At this age, they play next to each other, not with each other.
It's called parallel play.
You want to get down?
Wanna go play?
There you go.
There she goes.
Oh, here, I'll take that.
OK, Miss Madeline.
Come, hija.
So...do you want a smoothie?
Sure, sure.
Wanna play with the monkey?
You like monkeys?
Must be a late wedding present.
The card says, "To Mr and Mrs George Sibley."
I like the sound of that.
Mrs George...
Oh, dear!
What did we get?
What's that smell?
It appears to be excrement again.
No way!
Except this time someone went to the trouble to place one inside a decorative tin. "
To Mr and Mrs George Sibley."
No signature.
Imagine that.
This is a catastrophe of the highest order.
This involves both of us now.
Who knows you live here?
Why don't you care about this?
I've made a lot of enemies through the years.
Take the back-stabbing world of academia, throw in a controversial field like geology, you've got trouble.
Geology is controversial?
Oil, Claire.
Oil.
Look, this is from a person who quite obviously is looking for a reaction.
Somebody who needs attention.
That person isn't in the room.
He can't see my reaction.
Good point, Mom.
Maybe it's one of your mother's old lovers.
My lovers?
The Greek one.
He was Russian.
Are you leaving, Claire?
Yeah.
Toss this in the dumpster, would you?
I think I'll let you do that, George.
Oh, Lord.
Put back to me.
I like you in brown.
Is this brown or is this grey?
Charka.
See, chocolate.
I thought he said charcoal.
Charka.
OK, take off now.
What did you find?
Normally I'd never shop in the Valley.
This place ain't bad.
There's a rack of marked-down Jil Sander.
Plus some John Varvatos, Hugo Boss and a pair of Prada shoes for $100.
Where's Arthur?
Changing.
Maybe we should buy him a whole new wardrobe.
Do they ever do that? "
Queer Eye for the Gay Guy"?
I don't think Arthur's gay, I think he's A.
I think asexual people are asexual because they don't wanna come out of the closet.
You really think Arthur might be gay?
Yeah.
Breaks my heart.
I'm gonna go try a couple of these on.
You'd look good in this.
David, I need new clothes for work, not gay ski weekend at Mammoth.
I'm gonna buy you the suit, OK?
No, I couldn't possibly let you do that.
I want to.
Besides, it's a business expense.
If I had a father, this is the kind of thing he'd do for me.
Or even an elder sibling.
It's just a suit.
Hey, Nicole.
You like the way this sounds, huh?
The guy goes, if I wanted my food stamps, I should've been on time.
He said I had to call the social worker, but she's out all week.
Anyway, my friend's here so I'm gonna go right now.
Bye.
We should get Nicole some toys.
That top is kid safe...
but, yeah, she needs some new toys.
I didn't know you got food stamps.
Yeah, they're from before I was working at the club.
I can afford food.
It's just, if I get the food stamps, then I can save the cash for something else.
Hey, you OK?
I don't want Nicole to see me cry.
It's just I've been a little freaked out lately because I'm completely exhausted.
I think it's because I have the lupus.
Oh, shit, are you serious?
No?
What...
It's caused by leaking implants.
I feel like one of 'em ruptured and there's poison silicone roaming around my body.
Jeez.
Did you see a doctor?
Did you...
Not yet, not yet.
Oh, my God, Sophia.
Hey, listen, it's gonna be OK.
All right?
Maybe we should...
maybe we should pray.
Rico, I don't need prayer, I need surgery.
Medical surgery!
Plus if I get one boob done, they're not gonna match.
I have to get them both re-done, which is, like, five grand!
Unless you put the payment plan, which is, like, $1,500 deposit.
I'm not asking you for the money.
God, I should have never told you.
If I were to give you the $1,500 for the deposit, do you think that maybe you can pay me back?
I don't know where I could get $1,500 in a chunk like that.
Well, you can pay me back whatever you have whenever you have it.
I'll just give you the money.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
My angel.
Nicole, God sent us an angel.
Thank you.
You have a great life.
Thanks.
Do I need a coaster?
No, you can put it anywhere.
OK, so this is the book I was telling you about.
His name is Thich Nhat Hanh.
He says that it all starts with learning how to breathe so...
Thich Nhat Hanh.
So, if I read this book, I'll be happy?
It's not that simple.
So what is it?
You seem to be happy.
You ought to know.
God, well...
I don't know.
I guess for me it all started with my divorce, actually, and then making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom.
I mean it's hard, not working, but I love being with Jaden so...
When she's not with her nannies.
OK, one is a nanny and the other is a housekeeper.
OK.
So this...
Is this what you wanted your life to be?
This is actually better than I expected.
It smells so good in here.
Thich Nhat Hanh?
Right.
That fireplace work?
Yeah.
It's OK.
What's OK?
About fucking time!
Everybody kept asking, "When are Claire and Anita getting here?"
I said, how the fuck should I know?
How 'bout it, my ladies?
Whoa!
You're quite the host.
Everything I do, I do for you.
Do you have a lighter?
I've got fire.
Go, your serene hotness.
Better now.
Me, me.
That better not be you, Russell.
Hey, you.
How long have you been here?
Too long.
Hey, I like your skirt.
Did you make it?
Maybe I did.
You are so talented.
Look at that.
This always happens.
I get stoned and then I'm locked in this prison.
What, you're paranoid?
God, please, no one thinks anything bad.
You're the beautiful, fair, untouchable art princess.
No, I'm not so much paranoid.
More like I'd rather choose to just be this observer.
For one, I know that if I feel any vibe about any guy, I should know it means red flag, red flag!
Beyond that, basically I hate everyone.
I hate her...and her.
And that guy with the fucking Boy Scout jacket.
Like, is that supposed to be ironic?
Yeah, I would say more misanthrope than paranoid.
Yeah, but I'm also so tired of hating everything, you know?
I mean, truly.
Check one, two.
People, focus.
The person on stage needs to be looked at.
Are you incredibly stoned?
No.
Does she do this a lot?
All the time.
I miss you.
Shut it.
..great American art school poseur jerk-off extravaganza.
Anyone near the stage, we call that the splash zone so you may wanna stand back.
I'm not responsible for dry-cleaning bills.
Yeah, baby.
Jesus Christ.
This girl is ding-dong out of her mind.
You're the only girl here.
Yeah, baby!
Yeah, baby!
I wish I had my camera.
Yeah, baby!
Yeah, baby!
Please enter.
Well...
Hello, Mrs...
Ruth.
Arthur, I have something to say to you.
Please.
What we had was very special, but it's in the past.
We can't hold grudges and be angry with one another.
I hold no grudges with you.
I'm happy that you...appear so happy.
Arthur, this has to stop!
I know that you sent us the faeces box and the faeces gift basket.
Ruth!
Do you know how horrified I am that you think I could commit an act so heinous?
You don't know me at all, do you?
I know that you're frustrated, sitting idly by as George and I fall deeper and deeper in love each day.
But we had our chance, we had our time...
We never had a chance!
So...you are harbouring feelings.
I do harbour feelings.
I'm human...
and I'm a man.
You of all people should know that.
But I would never send those things to you.
I could never send you...
poo.
Ever.
I wish I could believe you.
I wish you could, too.
Now, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Is this the line?
Yeah.
So this course I'm taking, Recovery From Madness, the woman who teaches it was actually, or is, bipolar.
Do you have to be bipolar to get in?
It helps.
Anyway, she wrote this incredible book explaining what it feels like.
She's kind of a pioneer.
Here.
Thank you.
Don't thank me.
I could wait on you hand and foot all day.
I'm serious.
It would make me a very happy man.
You know last night when I was putting on that condom...
Listen, I should just go back on the pill.
It won't be a problem.
No, no, no.
I used to think that I had a problem staying hard or whatever.
Hey, no, it's OK, really.
No, then I realised that I'm totally hard when I...
You know, like when people role...
I really like that dynamic when, one person is boss and the other person is sort of, like, more dominant or the other person's a little more sub...
I'm not explaining this very well.
No, you're...
You're explaining it fine.
It's actually...
You don't need to explain it any more.
I know everyone has their thing.
I've known prostitutes and dominatrixes.
I've been to sex clubs and leather clubs.
I've heard of guys who can only come if...
I don't know, the girl is sitting on a balloon.
I wrote this whole erotic novella about a girl who...
I was hoping that we could be...
We can be anything, I'm not...
No.
I was hoping that...
we...
could have normal sex.
Like, normal sex?
Yeah, normal sex.
The way normal people do it.
Normal people have sex, right?
Yeah, I presume so.
They don't turn it all into fantasy or get drunk or smoke pot to make it interesting.
We can smoke pot.
I can get pot.
I don't want to smoke pot.
I smoked so much pot, it was...
It made me me.
Now all those things just seem like an escape from sex.
All right, well, I'll put some thought into exploring my normal side.
That's not what I was saying.
But, anyway, look...
I should go to bed.
I've got class tomorrow.
So I'm going home?
If you need to.
Yeah.
Yuck.
Spinnies.
Are you gonna barf in my bed?
Nah.
I can get a garbage can and put it next to you if you want.
Nah.
I can't believe I drank so much and didn't even have fun.
I can't believe I made out with Russell.
He's a really good kisser.
Yeah.
So is Edie, like, full-time lesbian or is she just, like, art school bi-girl?
No, hardcore.
Like, totally lesbian feminist.
Is she going out with that girl?
That red-haired girl with the Wife Beater?
You OK, Anita?
Maybe I could use that garbage can.
Arthur? "
To the Fisher family. "
I am sorry to inform you that I am resigning from Fisher & Diaz, "as well as releasing tenancy of my room in the Fisher residence. "
I no longer feel comfortable in these surroundings.
Best, Arthur."
Who's Arthur?
Who are you?
This is my friend Anita.
That's my brother David.
And this is my brother Nate.
Hi.
Hey.
Arthur quit.
Oh, that's too bad.
What happened?
I just bought him a suit.
Well, I got to go.
I have to take Maya over to her new friend Jaden's house for a play date.
Cool.
Leave.
Maya has places to be.
I'll be fine.
Two-year-olds have friendships?
Yeah, they met at Mommy and Me and hit it off.
Where's all your garage sale stuff?
I don't have any.
Look, everything I have, I need.
Don't ask.
I wonder if Arthur felt pressured.
Like Keith and I were trying to welcome-wagon him into Gayland.
Gayland?
Please, Arthur had a thing with Mom.
In fact, I'm pretty sure they were fuck buddies.
Arthur and Mom?
Yeah, she was very vague about it, but I know something went on.
Scott, I'm putting you out in the audience in case some freak got in.
Keith, you're the designated for Celeste.
Got it.
Park it outside her dressing room.
Don't let anybody in except for the rabbi and lawyer.
Just those two guys, check.
No, they're the same guy.
Copy that.
Fred, I think I've already made this perfectly clear.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm fine doing the crappy Kids' Choice Awards, but I will not present with Hilary fucking Duff.
There has to be someone else.
Come on, think a little harder than that.
The Olsen twins?
What, is that supposed to be funny?
Hi, it's me.
I miss you.
Where are you?
Hi.
How you doing?
Good.
She in there?
I believe so.
I'm not supposed to allow anybody in.
I understand, but I'm Ellen.
It's my show so...
Right.
Not a threat.
That's a pretty blouse.
That doesn't sound manly.
Nice shirt.
Is that mauve or mauve?
Yeah.
Pretty.
Excuse me.
Celeste.
Hi, I'm Ellen.
I know that.
Pineapple?
No, thank you.
It's like my brain is encased in this fluid and if I move, then the fluid moves and my brain kills.
Or it could be encephalitis.
Here, try my soda.
Looks like you sold my TV.
Yeah, I got 50.
Your little boys are so cute.
The big one looks exactly like his daddy.
Yeah, his daddy's gonna buy some more junk and we're gonna spend the 50 we just made!
Control Freaks is the movie and Colin Farrell, who she's just friends with...
We're just friends.
He's really sweet.
Whatever you say.
So let's talk a little bit about the CD.
Me.
Here.
Nowl Me.
Here.
Nowl And is it me, comma, here, comma, now?
No, me, period, here, period, nowl Exclamation.
It is strong.
It's about me being here right now.
I want my fans, all the girls out there, to know that the most important thing is to be yourself and to be here, now.
That's right.
And this is who you are in the now.
But if you were someone different yesterday or even tomorrow, that's still who you are.
It's now, although it was before or maybe later.
But it's you in the then.
Uh-huh, and it comes out in two weeks.
Oh, my God!
Creepy Colin Farrell just left me another creepy message.
Can't we do something about that?
Legally?
I guess that's it.
Keith, did you use the bathroom in Celeste's dressing room?
Yeah, but that's when she was doing the show.
No one was around so I thought...
It's not cool, OK?
OK, I'm sorry.
You do not use the client's can ever.
Got it.
I think I know who sent us the...
The shit?
Yes, the shit.
I believe it was Arthur.
Arthur?
Arthur quit today after I confronted him.
You should probably know that Arthur and I once had something.
I don't know why I didn't tell you.
No need.
It's none of my business.
He doesn't seem like someone you'd be attracted to.
Well, it wasn't...
It wasn't a relationship.
But we did care deeply for one another.
We understood one another, had similar interests.
Similar interests?
Like sex?
No, no, it wasn't like that.
We had our own language.
We nuzzled.
I don't know what you mean.
The way horses nuzzle.
Like a head rubbing.
Head-butting.
You butted heads?
You make it sound so sordid.
Look, we did this.
Stop it.
It was quite lovely.
It wasn't funny.
No.
Yes, maybe we were a little crazy.
It's called a folie � deux.
Two people confusing a momentary insanity for love.
Is that what it's called?
I'm sorry, Jaden and I have to go meet some people at The Grove.
No, it's fine, I just thought...
Hey, did you get my bed all wet?
I thought you were coming back.
I wish.
Maya and I could stay here with the nanny.
I could pop in a movie for her.
We could be waiting when you get back.
You're funny.
God, these sheets feel so good.
I've never felt anything like them.
Where are they from?
I need you to leave.
Right.
So it's that easy?
What is?
I mean, how are people supposed to do this exactly?
Am I supposed to avoid that particular Mommy and Me class or you'll send your nanny so you can avoid looking at me and seeing what I thought I saw in you...
until I just cease to exist?
And so do you.
Nate...are you OK?
I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this.
You have to leave.
We'll go.
OK, I'll wait for you downstairs.
Oh, God.
You got in trouble?
What, did you ask for her autograph or something or look her in the eye?
No, worse.
I peed in her john.
What, you mean, like, on the toilet seat?
No, I lifted the seat.
I just used the same toilet she did, which apparently is a major faux pas.
Well, if it helps, my day sucked, too.
Arthur quit.
Yeah, I'm in hell.
And I'll probably never be home in time for dinner again.
So where's your other brother?
What's your problem?
In love with my brother now?
I just asked where he was.
God, if no one buys this stuff, I am not dragging it back upstairs.
I'm just not feeling this hippy-dippy paisley crap any more.
It's, like, suddenly I just feel modern and simple.
I just want, like, white plastic furniture.
Why not just trash all the shit you don't want or take it to the thrift store?
Yeah, or burn it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Hey, Mom.
Mom, why don't we just burn what's left over?
We can't.
Some of this stuff is valuable.
Sure you wanna save this?
That was Arthur's pouch.
Couple pennies in it.
I think you're right, Claire.
Let's burn it.
Let's burn it all.
I missed you.
You were so far away.
All the way across the courtyard.
It was nice knowing where you were even when we weren't talking.
Were we not talking?
Not officially, I guess.
So this question of normal sex...
I know.
It is so silly.
I don't know why I said it.
I don't even know what I meant.
I think I just wanted so much to do it right this time and I thought...
Funny, cos the more I thought about it, the more normal sex just seemed like...
you know, bad sex.
I know.
I think, ideally, sex for me should be this...
you know, revealing of myself.
Ourselves, maybe.
And I think that can be a loving thing, too.
Right?
Don't...
don't take Brenda apart and just sort of hand me the good stuff.
I want all the stuff, even the bad stuff.
What?
So...
what was it that you wanted to say?
Well...
remember when I said I could wait on you hand and foot?
What's this?
You look weird.
Hey, can you hold her?
Don't let her get too close to the fire.
OK.
Mom, I'm moving back into the house.
OK.
You can have Arthur's room.
Can I have the coach house then?
Well, I don't see why not.
English