Programa de TV: Pepper Dennis - 1x12
For the beat on the street...
...from the people you trust.
For all your news needs, turn to WEiE News.
We're everywhere, like the wind.
That's my mark!
Cut!
That's a cut, everyone.
Camera reloads.
Pepper?
Your line is... "
Like the wind, we're everywhere."
Not, "We're everywhere like the wind."
It's the same thing.
No, it's not.
The first way puts the emphasis on "wind," which is a tie-in for our Windy City news tag.
The fact that you don't see that concerns me.
Get it together.
Would you like a cue card?
No, Kathy, I think I've got it.
God, I hate promos week.
We're serious journalists, not soulless shills for marketing.
Well, most of us.
A Japanese commercial endorsement-- how exciting for Charlie!
Hey, ladies, what do you think of this? "
Crest Whitestrips, they're fantastiku!"
I love it!
When do you shoot?
Next week.
The crew wanted to spend the day with me, get a little candid footage, very "My Life As A Cover Girl."
I thought you were done hocking stuff and wanted to get back to news.
Crest Whitestrips aren't stuff.
They're a lifestyle.
My lifestyle.
Hey, that's not bad.
Yoshi?
Ah, Charlie Babcock.
Seeing you in your natural environment is most satisfying, but we wondering if your smile could have more...
sp-spark.
I like the way you think, Yoshi.
Jamie?
Bring in the Incisor 1000.
I had the Best Boy order this.
Enhances whiteness 65%.
It's like staring at the sun.
I'm going to say it for the 8,000th time: I can't believe I slept with that guy.
As long as we're, uh, talking mistakes, I made a big one.
Last night, I was feeling a little...
down, and-and then I got a little...
drunk, and then I went on the Internet.
Long story short, I spent five grand on a matchmaking service, and now I can't make my rent.
Kimmy, you don't need a matchmaker.
Yes, I do.
I want a boyfriend.
I had a really nice distraction in Mitch...
igan.
Where I took a day trip.
Because of all the...
really cool logging museums and lighthouse tours.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't want to die alone.
I deserve...
an extraordinary love.
I'm sorry, a what?
You heard me.
But it doesn't matter anyway because I can't afford it.
So...
do you want to buy me out?
No, thanks.
I'm benched.
Pepper, you make this declaration every ten months, and then you fall off the wagon like the man-crazy, wussy-skirt you are.
I take it your date with sexy-eyes, Dan the architect didn't go very well?
It went great.
He's very talented.
You should see the S & M dungeon he designed in his basement.
Yikes.
Yeah.
The universe is trying to tell me something: "Protect yourself."
After freak-show architect, the gay quarterback, and Toothy McGee over here, the only way I'm going to do that is taking myself out of the game.
Well, who am I to argue with the universe?
Did I mention that I'm out five Gs?
I need moral support when I crawl into that matchmaker's office and beg for my refund.
Will you please come with me?
All right.
After this.
Places!
Talent to their marks.
All right, let's take this from the victory stride right into the end pose.
We're back, people.
I am not ceding front position, Babcock.
Consider yourself warned.
You know what, Dennis?
In a week or so, millions of people are going to know this mug in the Land of the Rising Sun.
So, you know what?
I can be a little generous.
Go ahead.
Take lead.
I'll be your wingman.
Everyone, energy up!
No shoving, no fighting.
Rolling!
Speed!
And...
action!
Like the wind...
we're...
Ah!
My eyes!
Ah!
It's okay.
I'm good!
Where is this matchmaker anyway?
Oak Street.
And thank you for coming with me again.
You know how I am with confrontational situations.
My first instinct is to drop and roll.
Don't think like that. "
Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement."
Helen Keller.
Kimmy?
Mitch.
What are you doing here?
He's giving me a ride to school.
I have a meeting with a graduate studies advisor.
Can you imagine?
Me, Kathy Dinkle, "graduate student."
Well, Mitch, while you're there, you might want to re-enroll.
Finish up those two credits you have.
Whatever.
Do you want to come with us?
We could have lunch at the student union.
Sorry, I'm on my way out.
Kimmy signed up with a matchmaker.
I'm helping her deal with it.
Matchmaker?
Yeah.
She's sick of dating losers and decided to throw some borrowed money at the problem.
Where'd you go?
What?
I was waiting for you.
Okay, tell them what you want, and don't take no for an answer.
Got it.
Watch this.
Hi.
I signed up with your company online and I have changed my mind.
I would like a refund.
We do not give refunds.
Okey-dokey.
Eugenie?
Pepper Dennis, WEiE News.
My friend said she changed her mind.
You'll have to take it up with Nadia, our owner.
Wasn't she on Dynasty?
Nadia's in Gstaad at the moment, but I'll add you to her call sheet.
The old we-can't-give-you-a-refund-because- our-boss-is-in-Gstaad routine.
Here's a tip: in news circles, they call me "the sheriff," 'cause I always get my man.
So you may as well put Nadia on the horn, because until my friend gets a refund, I'm not budging.
Where is she?
Ms.
Abruzzi, I've told you.
Nadia will return your call...
Right, and Britney Spears will lose the baby weight.
Tell Nadia if I don't hear back from her by tomorrow, I'm getting my lawyers involved.
Capisce?
H i.
I couldn't help but overhear.
You have a beef with Nadia?
Nadia is a class-A shyster.
Oof-- if I told you how much she's bilked me and my friends for, your head would spin.
Do you and your friends have time to chat?
I think I can help.
As a woman of discernment, you demand the best life has to offer.
At True Love, we match you with the highest caliber men, selected to suit your personality and needs.
I'm Nadia Vodinova.
My True Love matchmaking is an extraordinary experience because you deserve an extraordinary love. "
Extraordinary love?"
That's where you came up with that hooey?
Oh, it's hooey, all right.
Definitely.
She promised walks on the beach, horseback rides, sparkling conversation.
The men she sent couldn't sparkle if you wet them down and rolled them in glitter.
You all seem like very attractive, personable women.
Why would you sign with Nadia?
My husband left me for the yoga instructor.
I needed help.
I mean, it's terrifying out there.
Exactly.
We're expected to dive into the dating pool, but who knows what we're swimming in?
Oh, I'll tell you.
It's a toxic stew of murderers, herpes, and runaway dads.
All we wanted was a safe, no-BS way of meeting the kind of men we deserved, and Nadia claimed to be the best pre-screener in the business.
Isn't that why you signed up, sweetie?
Actually, I blame two martinis, high-speed Internet, and The Notebook on cable, creature comforts that are going bye-bye if I don't get a refund.
Good luck.
I asked a dozen times for my money back, but Nadia convinced me I just needed to be patient.
Six months later, and I'm out $20,000.
Double that for me.
Me, too-- and now the dates have stopped coming, and she won't return our calls.
This is fraud, ladies.
Pure and simple.
I'll bring her down, but I'll need more details.
Every date profile True Love ever sent us.
Just, uh...
just pretend they're not here.
So, uh, what are you working on, Dennis?
What?
Oh, the old spinster thing.
Do you mean the budding brain surgeon, or the florist who put her husband through law school?
Or maybe you're referring to Chicago's biggest land developer?
These women aren't spinsters; they're victims.
Victims of a matchmaker who promised them hope in a bleak dating world.
I'm starting to think Maureen Dowd is right: men aren't necessary.
That's not what she said when she showed up at my hotel room after the correspondents' dinner with a feather and a bottle of Stoli.
I should call Mo.
I'm so glad I'm benched.
We'll edit that out.
Mr.
Babcock?
Oh, excellent!
We get shot of you reading fan mail.
It's not from a fan.
I'm being sued.
For my smile?
I am so excited to begin this journey of higher education.
I didn't know which master's program to apply for, but I've finally narrowed it down to French, Forensic Science, or Hotel Management.
It's an embarrassment of riches, really.
Before you embark on this magical journey, there's the matter of your undergraduate degree.
You're aware you didn't actually graduate?
Yes, I left my senior year to get married, but I view it as just a small detour from my...
Your journey.
Got it.
You have one class left to take.
Statistics.
Oh.
An entire semester of math?
That's really not my forte.
Or you can test out of it.
That would be...
a statistics test?
How's the Nadia thing going?
I found a barren couple in Portland willing to rent my uterus for 30 grand.
Save your baby-maker.
Janice called me with a few more True Love clients who were hoping for romance but got steaming bowls of disappointment instead.
That Vodinova is as cold as a Siberian snowdrift.
Well, she can run to the ends of the earth, but I'll hunt her swindling, fur-swathed ass down if it's the last thing I do.
I'm Nadia Vodinova.
You were looking for me?
I came down here to put your concerns to rest, Ms.
Dennis.
I am doing everything I can to satisfy my clients, but the matchmaking process is one of trial and error; you cannot force love or put a timeline on it.
Convenient, considering you take payment up front.
I am used to dealing with my clients' frustrations.
Waiting for a soul mate is a nerve-wracking business, but they forget it all when they send me their wedding invitations.
You see, I never give up on my customers.
That would be like...
giving up on love.
Isn't that right, Tisa?
Yes.
Hmm.
As for you, Miss Kim, I cannot give you a refund, but I'm confident I can help you find the kind of man you are seeking. "
Tall, good-looking, income ranging from high to...
very high."
Ah, yes.
The Golden Ticket.
I will review your 17-point personality test and match you specifically to the man of your dreams.
You can do that?
If you are ready.
It says here your last serious relationship ended a month ago.
What relationship?
It was just a thing.
How'd I miss this?
Not worth mentioning.
And what about you, Miss Dennis?
Can I help you find the man of your heart's desire?
Thanks, but I'm very happy being single right now.
Oh, what a waste.
Don't you believe in love?
We're not talking about me.
Can you refer me to any customers who are satisfied with your services?
Eugenie.
Feel free to contact anyone on this list.
After you do, we could have follow-up conversation.
Perhaps, this time on camera?
I'd cherish the opportunity to spread my message of uncompromising passion to the women of Chicago.
Don't worry.
I'll be in touch.
Miss Kim.
Eugenie.
Let me get this straight: You're alleging that the whiteness of our anchor's teeth sets off epileptic seizures?
Even if Mr.
Putnam's allegations were true, he could simply watch another station.
But I've always watched WEiE.
It's like your promos say, "You're everywhere like the wind."
It's "like the wind, we're everywhere."
And this is preposterous.
When Mr.
Babcock started behind the anchor desk, I was thrilled.
He brought a real spark to the broadcast.
Now you're making sense.
But soon into his run, I started getting headaches.
A month later, my eyes started twitching and soon after that, I suffered full-blown seizures.
My neurologist deduced the problem.
On this scale of tooth whiteness, our experts have determined that Mr.
Babcock's shade exceeds "Unsullied Alabaster."
He's off the chart.
There's no way something on TV can cause seizures.
1997, a cartoon causes epileptic seizures in hundreds of Japanese children.
It is true.
Much panic.
Get them out of here.
1991, Mary Hart is almost yanked off the air when it's determined her voice causes seizures in a 45-year-old woman.
Legs Hart wouldn't hurt a fly!
Besides, anecdotes aren't good enough; I want proof.
We thought you'd say that.
Please meet Dr.
Pancholy, head neurologist at Cook County Memorial.
We asked your station to provide us with a copy of last night's broadcast.
Mr.
Gaye...
For families looking for a more exotic pet than a dog or cat, a local Bloomington farmer has a suggestion: Micro Cows.
Many Chicagoans bought this future cattle breed claiming they make loving pets and are an excellent source of low-fat beef.
Have your experts check it out.
We'll contact you with our demands.
And believe me, they will be steep.
Look what Cupid and his fleet of cherubs just dropped off, hand-picked by Nadia.
Investment banker, never married.
He's hot.
It's borderline brilliant.
Investment banker paired with the girl from debtor's prison.
Is it me, or is Nadia starting to sound like the real deal?
I may have to kiss my money good-bye and say hello to Marcus M.
Hold on.
That name sounds familiar.
Janice dated him, too.
So did Darcine and Alice.
Strange.
Nadia claims to have a database of over 5,000 men.
So why did I get the same guy as the churchgoing vegan and the woman who likes a steak dinner and...
a good spanking?
Exactly.
Hello?
Janice, it's Pepper.
Can you get Darcine?
I'll patch in Alice.
Ladies, it's Pepper.
What's up?
Do any of you remember dating a Marcus M.?
The investment banker?
Snoozefest.
Totally unimpressive.
His profile said he loved wine, but he didn't know a burgundy from a Beaujolais.
Yeah, not much of a banking whiz, either.
I had to help him add up the tip.
What are you on to, Dennis?
Nothing definite, but it seems Nadia's been cutting a few corners.
So everyone had one date with Marcus and that's it?
Oh, yeah.
He was hardly worth a second look.
Alice?
I...
we went out for a steak dinner...
I had a few Brandy Alexanders.
It'd been so long since I made love to a man without love handles.
Do you have an address for him?
I'll check and call you back.
I'd buy a banker with a drab disposition, but one who can't calculate 20%?
Something stinks at True Love, Inc.
Walk with me.
Gotta get the noon team into foundation.
We need to talk.
Uh.
Okay.
Sure.
My cubicle?
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
Well, don't bother telling Kimmy.
She doesn't care.
Do you even think about me?
Mitch, please...
This was the worst month of my life.
A month?
The relationship you ended a month ago was with my baby brother?
The relationship that wasn't worth mentioning?
I heard about that matchmaker.
That really hurt.
Did you sleep with him?
No.
Wha...?
We made love on this floor!
This is...
this is...
you were his day camp counselor!
You helped him build a pine cone bird feeder.
My parents still have it!
How could you hide this from me?
Maybe because I thought that you would blow a gasket and get all judgy, and start screaming at me!
You broke his heart.
He dropped out of school.
It's none of your business.
Yes, it is.
He's...
Butt out!
Seriously.
Fine.
I know you're having a hard time with this, Mitch.
I am, too.
But you have got to stop calling and coming around, and moping through your life.
It's over.
'Cause you're tired of dating losers?
I don't think you're a loser.
I think that you're smart and you're funny and...
you're delicious and exciting and...
and you should share that with someone else.
Make yourself available for your soul mate.
Because it isn't me.
Followed subject Marcus M.
from his home on Briar to his office.
All appearances indicate he is who he says: an investment banker.
Note to self, Kimmy Kim's a sneaky, little pedophile.
That rat.
Marcus M.?
Let's talk about True Love, Inc.
Can't talk.
Gotta go.
Hey, hey.
Let go of my tail.
Nice get-up, Marcus.
Is this how you dress for kicks?
I deliver singing telegrams.
Is this or is this not you claiming to be an investment banker?
She said it wasn't a big deal.
She who?
Nadia?
Yeah.
All I had to do was go on some dates and pretend like I had a cush job.
My buddies and I do this all the time.
You and your buddies must be very proud.
Taking advantage of innocent women.
They got what they were looking for.
Now, will you unlock me?
I've got to get in there and sing "9 to 5" to an entire real estate office.
Aw, come on.
Have you seen Charlie?
He's, um...
He's, uh...
What?
Oh, no.
No, no, no-- no crying at work.
Please.
I can't do it!
I can't do math.
I can't pass the test.
I'm not smart enough for grad school.
The only thing that I am qualified to do is be a receptionist or a senator's wife.
And Dick Durbin and Barack Obama are already taken.
Don't look at me!
I'm dumb and hideous!
Okay, let's take a breath.
I can help you.
Nobody can help me.
You're talking to the captain of St.
Vincent's Mathletes team.
Took my guys all the way to regionals, although my step-dad pointed out that "semi-finalist" is blue-state speak for "loser."
Anyway, if anyone can help you, I can.
Really?
Yeah.
What are the odds?
I don't know!
That's the point!
Janice, it's Pepper.
Call the girls.
Nadia Vodinova is getting on-camera ambushed, and you're all invited.
Yep.
Her office at 4:00.
How's this for hoodwinked, Babcock?
Promise a bunch of women you'll find their high-end soul mate, then set them up with working-stiff imposters instead.
That's 2%.
Fat-free is in the door.
What?
That is utterly depressing, and you are giddy with excitement.
I always get revved up before a sting.
No, there's a spring in your step because you've proven that those people looking for true love aren't going to find it.
This isn't about love.
It's about fraud.
And don't tell me you believe in all that mush.
Do you even know what a soul mate is, Dennis?
An ancient fabrication that captivates the masses and guarantees employment to Meg Ryan and Mark Ruffalo.
It's the coming together of two kindred spirits, finding the yin to one's yang, meeting the person who knows what you need even before you do.
Charlie!
Les, how's this for tonight's lead?
Cupid's Got a Broken Wing.
Whatever you want.
Charlie, great news.
We settled the lawsuit.
Thank God Harold is such a fan.
All we have to do is cover his medical bills.
Oh, and, um, retire your tooth light.
Excuse me?
Apparently, they were able to trace his seizures back to the very day we installed that thing.
And just to be on the safe side, we're also going to bump your smile down to normal.
I'd like to shoot for pearl.
That's just three shades over from where you are now, barely discernible.
High five?
Chest bump?
No deal.
You don't understand.
This may seem like a joke, but you're opening this station up to millions of dollars in damages.
You don't understand.
I've been working at this since I got here.
Who the hell cares?
Our CEO and your stepfather, Wes Brinkman, for one.
He commented on my teeth.
He was impressed.
I even got an international endorsement because of them.
I'm not asking you to have them removed.
Just tone them down a bit.
These babies set me apart from the rest.
I'm not touching them.
Yes, you will.
I'm your boss; you have to listen to me.
Can everybody please use their inside voice?
Trying to study.
See this, Les?
Hmm?
It's a picture of me.
There's one here, couple dozen in this building, several hundred all over this city.
Know why?
Because I'm the voice of trust and truth.
I'm the Japanese face of Crest Whitestrips.
I'm the one in the power position, Les, not you.
Where's your poster, Gaye?
Hold on, Babcock.
Are you saying that of all the outrages and moral injustices we face every day, this is where you take your stand?
My teeth are my signature.
They're going to help me go down in broadcast history, along with Anderson Cooper's hair and Ed Bradley's earring, and Brian Williams' fake tan, so you guys just need to back off!
Why do you have to do this?
What?
Open your big, dumb mouth.
I thought you Canadians were supposed to be a compliant people.
Sorry, Les, you thought wrong.
Kathy!
Get me Legal and Human Resources!
I need some blotting papers.
Then I'll be out of your hair.
I just want you to know that Mitch pursued me hard, and I said no...
at first.
You always do.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
No.
You are obviously dying to enlighten me.
Please, go ahead.
Fine.
Mitch is my brother, and I love him, but he isn't exactly prime boyfriend material.
None of your exes are.
That's why they're my exes.
But you do this all the time!
It's like you walk into a room, hone in on the worst possible choice, and say, "Hi.
Want to date?"
At least I put myself out there, instead of hiding on top of some fear-fueled Trojan high horse of crap with banners that read things like: "I'm not looking and, oh, I'm benched," and, yes, I know that this analogy petered out long before it even started, but my point is you are full of bull and bitter and, most of all, scared.
I'd love to stay and continue this fascinating debate, but I've got to go fix your booze-soaked, $5,000 Internet screwup.
Your lipstick sucks!
Doctors, lawyers, investment bankers-- that's who these women thought they were meeting after signing with True Love Matchmaking Services.
Unfortunately, those men were nothing more than conspirators in a con game.
Tonight, we'll demand answers from the company's owner, Nadia Vodinova.
How will this peddler of lies respond?
We're about to find out.
Pepper, I saved you five minutes tonight.
I didn't count on that little Sputnik skipping town.
I need a little more time.
As my stepfather used to say, "We all want things we can't have, Leslie, like hugs."
I don't care if that matchmaker is halfway to Kiev.
This story airs tonight.
How are we doing?
I am so doomed.
No.
You're not.
I brought my statistics review sheets from Vassar.
Everything is broken down into the basics.
Shall we get started?
Les.
Toothgate.
We've been poring over Babcock's contract like you asked.
We found a way to make him get in line.
Yes!
For a smile so healthy...
...it's dangerous.
Yeah!
We chose wisely!
Sheath it, Charlie.
I got you.
The station's talent agreement. "
No on-air personality may shoot any endorsement without the expressed written consent of WEiE."
Far as I can tell, no one has expressed anything of the sort, so if you don't take your teeth down by the requested three notches, I'm kicking this crew out immediately.
What do you say to that?
Well, it's been great, but, good-bye.
Yeah, go on.
You heard the man.
Sayonara.
Safe flight home.
Take care.
Are you insane?!
My teeth are my unblemished principles.
I will sully neither.
Then you're not reading the news tonight.
It's the news, Les.
Can't show a rerun.
Ted Chong is going on in your place.
The pre-dawn anchor?
Les, the numbers don't lie.
I'm the most popular personality in WEiE history.
You wouldn't dare replace me.
Watch me.
Better yet, watch Ted.
Hi.
Hey.
Heard what happened.
Where's Janice and the rest of the gang?
Taking their anger out on a bottle of Scotch.
They probably have the right idea.
What are you looking for?
Any clue that might help me find where Nadia went.
You know, you're not wrong.
I am scared.
Petrified, actually.
Men are terrifying.
I mean, just when you think, "Hey, he's not so bad.
He's handsome and clever and sensitive," you scratch the surface and find he's not the person he presented himself to be.
Yeah.
But what if...
what if scratching the surface just isn't deep enough?
You know, what if there's guys with layers that we can't even imagine.
Like Mitch?
I'm sorry I was such a bitch about that.
I just want what's best for you.
My biggest regret is that I didn't just talk to you about all of this in the first place.
I want to.
And we will.
But right now, I got to get my five grand back, and you have a story to air tonight, so...
where do I start digging?
Don't worry about it.
This Dumpster is a dead-end.
Wait!
French fashion magazines?
I can't believe Nadia threw these away.
Kimmy, this is hardly the time for...
Ooh, the new InStyle?
Wait a sec.
The subscription label isn't made out to Nadia Vodinova.
It's made out to Tina Schultz.
Hey, so is this one.
No wonder I haven't been able to track her movements or find a home address.
Yo, Robbie, it's Pepto.
Can you get me some info on a Tina Schultz?
Here we go.
The czarina's about to face the firing squad.
Tina?
Yeah? "
Eugenie."
Nadia made me use that stupid name and talk with the accent.
Said it was more Old World.
Battle-ax.
Any sign she was going to bolt?
No.
I showed up to work today, everything was gone.
No note, no final paycheck.
I gave that woman two years.
Did you know she was robbing her clients?
I always suspected things here and there.
Business hadn't exactly been stellar.
But she always said we'd pull through.
Snowed me, all right.
Even left me holding the bag for her bills.
Fur cleaning and storage, wig maintenance...
Oh, it gets better.
Check out the green she dumped on that mutt of hers.
Dog grooming, custom outfits...
Track-a-Pooch.
What is that?
A global positioning system for animals.
I learned about it when I covered the Pet Fair.
You can tell exactly where a dog or a cat is via a chip in its collar.
So, if a papillon named Tisa happened to be glued to some matchmaker's lap...
So how do we turn it on?
Only the owner has the code to activate it.
Oh, no.
Eugenie does, too.
Where are we at?
The notes are great.
I really like the way you make your sevens.
Thank you.
How 'bout a coffee and a practice quiz?
Oh, damn it.
Ted Chong's locked in his dressing room.
The guy's claustrophobic.
Cough up the key.
This is my desk, Les.
Fine.
You want to go on air?
Drink it.
Absolutely not.
There's no need to make this so difficult.
It's just teeth.
Les, my test is in two hours.
First, my teeth, next, it's my hair.
Slippery slope, Les.
Do you want to die on this hill, Charlie?
'Cause I'm not backing down!
Drink it!
Never.
Look, Babcock.
We all have obstacles in this life.
My obstacle involves linear correlation, marginal frequencies and standard deviation.
Yours is a cup of coffee.
But it really boils down to the same thing, doesn't it?
Fear.
I can smell it all over you.
You're afraid that you're nothing more than a pretty face.
So am I.
And maybe it's true, and maybe it's not.
But I will never know unless I take this stupid test.
So what's it gonna be, Charlie?
You want to be the slick, shiny, pretty boy whose smile's so bright that it causes convulsions?
Or are you gonna be a man and drink the mochaccino?!
Shall we?
And five, four, three...
Good evening, Chicago.
I'm Charlie Babcock.
Our lead story tonight: An upscale matchmaker is on the run.
After allegations of fraud and her subsequent disappearance, police suspect that Nadia Vodinova broke her client's hearts and their bank accounts, too.
WEiE's Pepper Dennis is live with a break in the story.
That's right, Charlie.
Ms.
Vodinova, who allegedly absconded with over $100,000, has been tracked to a private plane-- a flight that has been canceled.
How did you get on here?
With the police waiting on the tarmac, we'll hear what this love consultant is thinking as she stops doling out advice and starts getting it from a lawyer.
Nadia, what do you have to say?
I say they deserved it.
For years, I was successful matchmaker-- the best.
Till my female clients started to change.
How?
In the last decade, talk shows, magazines have convinced women to settle for nothing less than perfection.
Is there something wrong with that?
Da.
There is no such thing as perfect relationship.
But these women are so afraid of failure they come up with every finicky reason why the man in front of them cannot possibly be the one.
When I realized that no man can make my clients happy, I began to hire fakes.
I have to make a living somehow.
So you blame women who know what they want for your actions?
Nyet.
The one I blame is the woman who is so terrified that she has given up, the one who hides, declares herself out of the game.
Those other women-- they killed my career.
But this woman-- this woman has killed love.
And that is something I can never forgive.
This way, please.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All right, all right.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, Gaye.
And I owe it all to you.
Ever since I gave up my quest for whiteness, feel like a weight's been lifted.
The heavens have opened up.
Want some blueberries?
No, thanks.
Chest bump?
Charlie, we need to talk.
Don't tell me: the lawsuit's back on?
Well, no worries here.
Our concerns are larger than that.
This is my fault.
I wanted to find a loophole to get some leverage on the teeth thing.
I had everyone digging.
That's when HR made a horrible discovery.
Mr.
Babcock, you're in violation of US immigration law, specifically section 237 A.1.B.
of the Immigration and Nationality Act.
What does that mean?
Your work visa has lapsed.
Impossible.
The station was required to file that paperwork when I started here.
Apparently, that was left to the old receptionist.
Brianna?
Let's not panic.
How do we clear it up?
By reporting your status to the Department of Homeland Security, which we did.
And...?
Guys, come on.
It's not like they're gonna deport me.
Girls, girls!
Why the long faces?
Didn't you hear?
True love is dead, and I killed it.
Oh, pish.
That Nadia woman was in a losing business.
Do you know the chances of two young, professional, single people actually hitting it off in this town?
It's like...
Carry the one...
One in 685,000!
Oh, my gosh.
Those are the same odds as drowning in a bathtub.
Congrats on your C-minus, Kathy.
Thank you.
Hey, Kathy!
Got to go.
I'm playing pool.
Well...
at least you got your money back.
Yeah.
Do you really like him?
We get along great.
He's hilarious.
And he thinks I'm hilarious.
You know, he just makes me feel good.
So why is it over?
I got scared-- scared of how you would react, scared that he was just another loser, scared that he wasn't another loser and that he was the real thing.
Only one way to find out if you're the yin to his yang.
And yeah, it's pretty scary.
What are you saying?
That you're wearing a really cute outfit, and you've got a drink in you, and if Mitch makes you happy, then you should go tell him.
I can't leave you here.
I'm fine.
I'm better than fine.
I'm back in the game.
You're taking yourself off the bench?
Launching, more like.
Screw Kathy's stats.
From now on, I'm not looking for perfection, just a kindred spirit, one who knows what I want even before I do-- like bananas on my bagel.
Wonder who could possibly know all that.
Why are you still here?
Go.
I feel awful about the way things ended between us.
Meaning, specifically, that it ended.
Look, Mitch, I blew it.
I treated you like you were part of my problems, when really, you only make my life better.
And I see that now, and I'm sorry.
I agree with you.
Great.
No, no, I mean, from before.
You know, about moving on and making myself available.
Mitch, pasta's ready!
I took your advice about reenrolling in classes, too.
This is Claudia.
We met at the registrar's office.
Claudia, this is a friend of my sister's.
So I'll see you later, then.
See you.
Babcock?
Marry me.
Transcript: Raceman - Synchro: Amariss www.forom.com -
...from the people you trust.
For all your news needs, turn to WEiE News.
We're everywhere, like the wind.
That's my mark!
Cut!
That's a cut, everyone.
Camera reloads.
Pepper?
Your line is... "
Like the wind, we're everywhere."
Not, "We're everywhere like the wind."
It's the same thing.
No, it's not.
The first way puts the emphasis on "wind," which is a tie-in for our Windy City news tag.
The fact that you don't see that concerns me.
Get it together.
Would you like a cue card?
No, Kathy, I think I've got it.
God, I hate promos week.
We're serious journalists, not soulless shills for marketing.
Well, most of us.
A Japanese commercial endorsement-- how exciting for Charlie!
Hey, ladies, what do you think of this? "
Crest Whitestrips, they're fantastiku!"
I love it!
When do you shoot?
Next week.
The crew wanted to spend the day with me, get a little candid footage, very "My Life As A Cover Girl."
I thought you were done hocking stuff and wanted to get back to news.
Crest Whitestrips aren't stuff.
They're a lifestyle.
My lifestyle.
Hey, that's not bad.
Yoshi?
Ah, Charlie Babcock.
Seeing you in your natural environment is most satisfying, but we wondering if your smile could have more...
sp-spark.
I like the way you think, Yoshi.
Jamie?
Bring in the Incisor 1000.
I had the Best Boy order this.
Enhances whiteness 65%.
It's like staring at the sun.
I'm going to say it for the 8,000th time: I can't believe I slept with that guy.
As long as we're, uh, talking mistakes, I made a big one.
Last night, I was feeling a little...
down, and-and then I got a little...
drunk, and then I went on the Internet.
Long story short, I spent five grand on a matchmaking service, and now I can't make my rent.
Kimmy, you don't need a matchmaker.
Yes, I do.
I want a boyfriend.
I had a really nice distraction in Mitch...
igan.
Where I took a day trip.
Because of all the...
really cool logging museums and lighthouse tours.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't want to die alone.
I deserve...
an extraordinary love.
I'm sorry, a what?
You heard me.
But it doesn't matter anyway because I can't afford it.
So...
do you want to buy me out?
No, thanks.
I'm benched.
Pepper, you make this declaration every ten months, and then you fall off the wagon like the man-crazy, wussy-skirt you are.
I take it your date with sexy-eyes, Dan the architect didn't go very well?
It went great.
He's very talented.
You should see the S & M dungeon he designed in his basement.
Yikes.
Yeah.
The universe is trying to tell me something: "Protect yourself."
After freak-show architect, the gay quarterback, and Toothy McGee over here, the only way I'm going to do that is taking myself out of the game.
Well, who am I to argue with the universe?
Did I mention that I'm out five Gs?
I need moral support when I crawl into that matchmaker's office and beg for my refund.
Will you please come with me?
All right.
After this.
Places!
Talent to their marks.
All right, let's take this from the victory stride right into the end pose.
We're back, people.
I am not ceding front position, Babcock.
Consider yourself warned.
You know what, Dennis?
In a week or so, millions of people are going to know this mug in the Land of the Rising Sun.
So, you know what?
I can be a little generous.
Go ahead.
Take lead.
I'll be your wingman.
Everyone, energy up!
No shoving, no fighting.
Rolling!
Speed!
And...
action!
Like the wind...
we're...
Ah!
My eyes!
Ah!
It's okay.
I'm good!
Where is this matchmaker anyway?
Oak Street.
And thank you for coming with me again.
You know how I am with confrontational situations.
My first instinct is to drop and roll.
Don't think like that. "
Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement."
Helen Keller.
Kimmy?
Mitch.
What are you doing here?
He's giving me a ride to school.
I have a meeting with a graduate studies advisor.
Can you imagine?
Me, Kathy Dinkle, "graduate student."
Well, Mitch, while you're there, you might want to re-enroll.
Finish up those two credits you have.
Whatever.
Do you want to come with us?
We could have lunch at the student union.
Sorry, I'm on my way out.
Kimmy signed up with a matchmaker.
I'm helping her deal with it.
Matchmaker?
Yeah.
She's sick of dating losers and decided to throw some borrowed money at the problem.
Where'd you go?
What?
I was waiting for you.
Okay, tell them what you want, and don't take no for an answer.
Got it.
Watch this.
Hi.
I signed up with your company online and I have changed my mind.
I would like a refund.
We do not give refunds.
Okey-dokey.
Eugenie?
Pepper Dennis, WEiE News.
My friend said she changed her mind.
You'll have to take it up with Nadia, our owner.
Wasn't she on Dynasty?
Nadia's in Gstaad at the moment, but I'll add you to her call sheet.
The old we-can't-give-you-a-refund-because- our-boss-is-in-Gstaad routine.
Here's a tip: in news circles, they call me "the sheriff," 'cause I always get my man.
So you may as well put Nadia on the horn, because until my friend gets a refund, I'm not budging.
Where is she?
Ms.
Abruzzi, I've told you.
Nadia will return your call...
Right, and Britney Spears will lose the baby weight.
Tell Nadia if I don't hear back from her by tomorrow, I'm getting my lawyers involved.
Capisce?
H i.
I couldn't help but overhear.
You have a beef with Nadia?
Nadia is a class-A shyster.
Oof-- if I told you how much she's bilked me and my friends for, your head would spin.
Do you and your friends have time to chat?
I think I can help.
As a woman of discernment, you demand the best life has to offer.
At True Love, we match you with the highest caliber men, selected to suit your personality and needs.
I'm Nadia Vodinova.
My True Love matchmaking is an extraordinary experience because you deserve an extraordinary love. "
Extraordinary love?"
That's where you came up with that hooey?
Oh, it's hooey, all right.
Definitely.
She promised walks on the beach, horseback rides, sparkling conversation.
The men she sent couldn't sparkle if you wet them down and rolled them in glitter.
You all seem like very attractive, personable women.
Why would you sign with Nadia?
My husband left me for the yoga instructor.
I needed help.
I mean, it's terrifying out there.
Exactly.
We're expected to dive into the dating pool, but who knows what we're swimming in?
Oh, I'll tell you.
It's a toxic stew of murderers, herpes, and runaway dads.
All we wanted was a safe, no-BS way of meeting the kind of men we deserved, and Nadia claimed to be the best pre-screener in the business.
Isn't that why you signed up, sweetie?
Actually, I blame two martinis, high-speed Internet, and The Notebook on cable, creature comforts that are going bye-bye if I don't get a refund.
Good luck.
I asked a dozen times for my money back, but Nadia convinced me I just needed to be patient.
Six months later, and I'm out $20,000.
Double that for me.
Me, too-- and now the dates have stopped coming, and she won't return our calls.
This is fraud, ladies.
Pure and simple.
I'll bring her down, but I'll need more details.
Every date profile True Love ever sent us.
Just, uh...
just pretend they're not here.
So, uh, what are you working on, Dennis?
What?
Oh, the old spinster thing.
Do you mean the budding brain surgeon, or the florist who put her husband through law school?
Or maybe you're referring to Chicago's biggest land developer?
These women aren't spinsters; they're victims.
Victims of a matchmaker who promised them hope in a bleak dating world.
I'm starting to think Maureen Dowd is right: men aren't necessary.
That's not what she said when she showed up at my hotel room after the correspondents' dinner with a feather and a bottle of Stoli.
I should call Mo.
I'm so glad I'm benched.
We'll edit that out.
Mr.
Babcock?
Oh, excellent!
We get shot of you reading fan mail.
It's not from a fan.
I'm being sued.
For my smile?
I am so excited to begin this journey of higher education.
I didn't know which master's program to apply for, but I've finally narrowed it down to French, Forensic Science, or Hotel Management.
It's an embarrassment of riches, really.
Before you embark on this magical journey, there's the matter of your undergraduate degree.
You're aware you didn't actually graduate?
Yes, I left my senior year to get married, but I view it as just a small detour from my...
Your journey.
Got it.
You have one class left to take.
Statistics.
Oh.
An entire semester of math?
That's really not my forte.
Or you can test out of it.
That would be...
a statistics test?
How's the Nadia thing going?
I found a barren couple in Portland willing to rent my uterus for 30 grand.
Save your baby-maker.
Janice called me with a few more True Love clients who were hoping for romance but got steaming bowls of disappointment instead.
That Vodinova is as cold as a Siberian snowdrift.
Well, she can run to the ends of the earth, but I'll hunt her swindling, fur-swathed ass down if it's the last thing I do.
I'm Nadia Vodinova.
You were looking for me?
I came down here to put your concerns to rest, Ms.
Dennis.
I am doing everything I can to satisfy my clients, but the matchmaking process is one of trial and error; you cannot force love or put a timeline on it.
Convenient, considering you take payment up front.
I am used to dealing with my clients' frustrations.
Waiting for a soul mate is a nerve-wracking business, but they forget it all when they send me their wedding invitations.
You see, I never give up on my customers.
That would be like...
giving up on love.
Isn't that right, Tisa?
Yes.
Hmm.
As for you, Miss Kim, I cannot give you a refund, but I'm confident I can help you find the kind of man you are seeking. "
Tall, good-looking, income ranging from high to...
very high."
Ah, yes.
The Golden Ticket.
I will review your 17-point personality test and match you specifically to the man of your dreams.
You can do that?
If you are ready.
It says here your last serious relationship ended a month ago.
What relationship?
It was just a thing.
How'd I miss this?
Not worth mentioning.
And what about you, Miss Dennis?
Can I help you find the man of your heart's desire?
Thanks, but I'm very happy being single right now.
Oh, what a waste.
Don't you believe in love?
We're not talking about me.
Can you refer me to any customers who are satisfied with your services?
Eugenie.
Feel free to contact anyone on this list.
After you do, we could have follow-up conversation.
Perhaps, this time on camera?
I'd cherish the opportunity to spread my message of uncompromising passion to the women of Chicago.
Don't worry.
I'll be in touch.
Miss Kim.
Eugenie.
Let me get this straight: You're alleging that the whiteness of our anchor's teeth sets off epileptic seizures?
Even if Mr.
Putnam's allegations were true, he could simply watch another station.
But I've always watched WEiE.
It's like your promos say, "You're everywhere like the wind."
It's "like the wind, we're everywhere."
And this is preposterous.
When Mr.
Babcock started behind the anchor desk, I was thrilled.
He brought a real spark to the broadcast.
Now you're making sense.
But soon into his run, I started getting headaches.
A month later, my eyes started twitching and soon after that, I suffered full-blown seizures.
My neurologist deduced the problem.
On this scale of tooth whiteness, our experts have determined that Mr.
Babcock's shade exceeds "Unsullied Alabaster."
He's off the chart.
There's no way something on TV can cause seizures.
1997, a cartoon causes epileptic seizures in hundreds of Japanese children.
It is true.
Much panic.
Get them out of here.
1991, Mary Hart is almost yanked off the air when it's determined her voice causes seizures in a 45-year-old woman.
Legs Hart wouldn't hurt a fly!
Besides, anecdotes aren't good enough; I want proof.
We thought you'd say that.
Please meet Dr.
Pancholy, head neurologist at Cook County Memorial.
We asked your station to provide us with a copy of last night's broadcast.
Mr.
Gaye...
For families looking for a more exotic pet than a dog or cat, a local Bloomington farmer has a suggestion: Micro Cows.
Many Chicagoans bought this future cattle breed claiming they make loving pets and are an excellent source of low-fat beef.
Have your experts check it out.
We'll contact you with our demands.
And believe me, they will be steep.
Look what Cupid and his fleet of cherubs just dropped off, hand-picked by Nadia.
Investment banker, never married.
He's hot.
It's borderline brilliant.
Investment banker paired with the girl from debtor's prison.
Is it me, or is Nadia starting to sound like the real deal?
I may have to kiss my money good-bye and say hello to Marcus M.
Hold on.
That name sounds familiar.
Janice dated him, too.
So did Darcine and Alice.
Strange.
Nadia claims to have a database of over 5,000 men.
So why did I get the same guy as the churchgoing vegan and the woman who likes a steak dinner and...
a good spanking?
Exactly.
Hello?
Janice, it's Pepper.
Can you get Darcine?
I'll patch in Alice.
Ladies, it's Pepper.
What's up?
Do any of you remember dating a Marcus M.?
The investment banker?
Snoozefest.
Totally unimpressive.
His profile said he loved wine, but he didn't know a burgundy from a Beaujolais.
Yeah, not much of a banking whiz, either.
I had to help him add up the tip.
What are you on to, Dennis?
Nothing definite, but it seems Nadia's been cutting a few corners.
So everyone had one date with Marcus and that's it?
Oh, yeah.
He was hardly worth a second look.
Alice?
I...
we went out for a steak dinner...
I had a few Brandy Alexanders.
It'd been so long since I made love to a man without love handles.
Do you have an address for him?
I'll check and call you back.
I'd buy a banker with a drab disposition, but one who can't calculate 20%?
Something stinks at True Love, Inc.
Walk with me.
Gotta get the noon team into foundation.
We need to talk.
Uh.
Okay.
Sure.
My cubicle?
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
Well, don't bother telling Kimmy.
She doesn't care.
Do you even think about me?
Mitch, please...
This was the worst month of my life.
A month?
The relationship you ended a month ago was with my baby brother?
The relationship that wasn't worth mentioning?
I heard about that matchmaker.
That really hurt.
Did you sleep with him?
No.
Wha...?
We made love on this floor!
This is...
this is...
you were his day camp counselor!
You helped him build a pine cone bird feeder.
My parents still have it!
How could you hide this from me?
Maybe because I thought that you would blow a gasket and get all judgy, and start screaming at me!
You broke his heart.
He dropped out of school.
It's none of your business.
Yes, it is.
He's...
Butt out!
Seriously.
Fine.
I know you're having a hard time with this, Mitch.
I am, too.
But you have got to stop calling and coming around, and moping through your life.
It's over.
'Cause you're tired of dating losers?
I don't think you're a loser.
I think that you're smart and you're funny and...
you're delicious and exciting and...
and you should share that with someone else.
Make yourself available for your soul mate.
Because it isn't me.
Followed subject Marcus M.
from his home on Briar to his office.
All appearances indicate he is who he says: an investment banker.
Note to self, Kimmy Kim's a sneaky, little pedophile.
That rat.
Marcus M.?
Let's talk about True Love, Inc.
Can't talk.
Gotta go.
Hey, hey.
Let go of my tail.
Nice get-up, Marcus.
Is this how you dress for kicks?
I deliver singing telegrams.
Is this or is this not you claiming to be an investment banker?
She said it wasn't a big deal.
She who?
Nadia?
Yeah.
All I had to do was go on some dates and pretend like I had a cush job.
My buddies and I do this all the time.
You and your buddies must be very proud.
Taking advantage of innocent women.
They got what they were looking for.
Now, will you unlock me?
I've got to get in there and sing "9 to 5" to an entire real estate office.
Aw, come on.
Have you seen Charlie?
He's, um...
He's, uh...
What?
Oh, no.
No, no, no-- no crying at work.
Please.
I can't do it!
I can't do math.
I can't pass the test.
I'm not smart enough for grad school.
The only thing that I am qualified to do is be a receptionist or a senator's wife.
And Dick Durbin and Barack Obama are already taken.
Don't look at me!
I'm dumb and hideous!
Okay, let's take a breath.
I can help you.
Nobody can help me.
You're talking to the captain of St.
Vincent's Mathletes team.
Took my guys all the way to regionals, although my step-dad pointed out that "semi-finalist" is blue-state speak for "loser."
Anyway, if anyone can help you, I can.
Really?
Yeah.
What are the odds?
I don't know!
That's the point!
Janice, it's Pepper.
Call the girls.
Nadia Vodinova is getting on-camera ambushed, and you're all invited.
Yep.
Her office at 4:00.
How's this for hoodwinked, Babcock?
Promise a bunch of women you'll find their high-end soul mate, then set them up with working-stiff imposters instead.
That's 2%.
Fat-free is in the door.
What?
That is utterly depressing, and you are giddy with excitement.
I always get revved up before a sting.
No, there's a spring in your step because you've proven that those people looking for true love aren't going to find it.
This isn't about love.
It's about fraud.
And don't tell me you believe in all that mush.
Do you even know what a soul mate is, Dennis?
An ancient fabrication that captivates the masses and guarantees employment to Meg Ryan and Mark Ruffalo.
It's the coming together of two kindred spirits, finding the yin to one's yang, meeting the person who knows what you need even before you do.
Charlie!
Les, how's this for tonight's lead?
Cupid's Got a Broken Wing.
Whatever you want.
Charlie, great news.
We settled the lawsuit.
Thank God Harold is such a fan.
All we have to do is cover his medical bills.
Oh, and, um, retire your tooth light.
Excuse me?
Apparently, they were able to trace his seizures back to the very day we installed that thing.
And just to be on the safe side, we're also going to bump your smile down to normal.
I'd like to shoot for pearl.
That's just three shades over from where you are now, barely discernible.
High five?
Chest bump?
No deal.
You don't understand.
This may seem like a joke, but you're opening this station up to millions of dollars in damages.
You don't understand.
I've been working at this since I got here.
Who the hell cares?
Our CEO and your stepfather, Wes Brinkman, for one.
He commented on my teeth.
He was impressed.
I even got an international endorsement because of them.
I'm not asking you to have them removed.
Just tone them down a bit.
These babies set me apart from the rest.
I'm not touching them.
Yes, you will.
I'm your boss; you have to listen to me.
Can everybody please use their inside voice?
Trying to study.
See this, Les?
Hmm?
It's a picture of me.
There's one here, couple dozen in this building, several hundred all over this city.
Know why?
Because I'm the voice of trust and truth.
I'm the Japanese face of Crest Whitestrips.
I'm the one in the power position, Les, not you.
Where's your poster, Gaye?
Hold on, Babcock.
Are you saying that of all the outrages and moral injustices we face every day, this is where you take your stand?
My teeth are my signature.
They're going to help me go down in broadcast history, along with Anderson Cooper's hair and Ed Bradley's earring, and Brian Williams' fake tan, so you guys just need to back off!
Why do you have to do this?
What?
Open your big, dumb mouth.
I thought you Canadians were supposed to be a compliant people.
Sorry, Les, you thought wrong.
Kathy!
Get me Legal and Human Resources!
I need some blotting papers.
Then I'll be out of your hair.
I just want you to know that Mitch pursued me hard, and I said no...
at first.
You always do.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
No.
You are obviously dying to enlighten me.
Please, go ahead.
Fine.
Mitch is my brother, and I love him, but he isn't exactly prime boyfriend material.
None of your exes are.
That's why they're my exes.
But you do this all the time!
It's like you walk into a room, hone in on the worst possible choice, and say, "Hi.
Want to date?"
At least I put myself out there, instead of hiding on top of some fear-fueled Trojan high horse of crap with banners that read things like: "I'm not looking and, oh, I'm benched," and, yes, I know that this analogy petered out long before it even started, but my point is you are full of bull and bitter and, most of all, scared.
I'd love to stay and continue this fascinating debate, but I've got to go fix your booze-soaked, $5,000 Internet screwup.
Your lipstick sucks!
Doctors, lawyers, investment bankers-- that's who these women thought they were meeting after signing with True Love Matchmaking Services.
Unfortunately, those men were nothing more than conspirators in a con game.
Tonight, we'll demand answers from the company's owner, Nadia Vodinova.
How will this peddler of lies respond?
We're about to find out.
Pepper, I saved you five minutes tonight.
I didn't count on that little Sputnik skipping town.
I need a little more time.
As my stepfather used to say, "We all want things we can't have, Leslie, like hugs."
I don't care if that matchmaker is halfway to Kiev.
This story airs tonight.
How are we doing?
I am so doomed.
No.
You're not.
I brought my statistics review sheets from Vassar.
Everything is broken down into the basics.
Shall we get started?
Les.
Toothgate.
We've been poring over Babcock's contract like you asked.
We found a way to make him get in line.
Yes!
For a smile so healthy...
...it's dangerous.
Yeah!
We chose wisely!
Sheath it, Charlie.
I got you.
The station's talent agreement. "
No on-air personality may shoot any endorsement without the expressed written consent of WEiE."
Far as I can tell, no one has expressed anything of the sort, so if you don't take your teeth down by the requested three notches, I'm kicking this crew out immediately.
What do you say to that?
Well, it's been great, but, good-bye.
Yeah, go on.
You heard the man.
Sayonara.
Safe flight home.
Take care.
Are you insane?!
My teeth are my unblemished principles.
I will sully neither.
Then you're not reading the news tonight.
It's the news, Les.
Can't show a rerun.
Ted Chong is going on in your place.
The pre-dawn anchor?
Les, the numbers don't lie.
I'm the most popular personality in WEiE history.
You wouldn't dare replace me.
Watch me.
Better yet, watch Ted.
Hi.
Hey.
Heard what happened.
Where's Janice and the rest of the gang?
Taking their anger out on a bottle of Scotch.
They probably have the right idea.
What are you looking for?
Any clue that might help me find where Nadia went.
You know, you're not wrong.
I am scared.
Petrified, actually.
Men are terrifying.
I mean, just when you think, "Hey, he's not so bad.
He's handsome and clever and sensitive," you scratch the surface and find he's not the person he presented himself to be.
Yeah.
But what if...
what if scratching the surface just isn't deep enough?
You know, what if there's guys with layers that we can't even imagine.
Like Mitch?
I'm sorry I was such a bitch about that.
I just want what's best for you.
My biggest regret is that I didn't just talk to you about all of this in the first place.
I want to.
And we will.
But right now, I got to get my five grand back, and you have a story to air tonight, so...
where do I start digging?
Don't worry about it.
This Dumpster is a dead-end.
Wait!
French fashion magazines?
I can't believe Nadia threw these away.
Kimmy, this is hardly the time for...
Ooh, the new InStyle?
Wait a sec.
The subscription label isn't made out to Nadia Vodinova.
It's made out to Tina Schultz.
Hey, so is this one.
No wonder I haven't been able to track her movements or find a home address.
Yo, Robbie, it's Pepto.
Can you get me some info on a Tina Schultz?
Here we go.
The czarina's about to face the firing squad.
Tina?
Yeah? "
Eugenie."
Nadia made me use that stupid name and talk with the accent.
Said it was more Old World.
Battle-ax.
Any sign she was going to bolt?
No.
I showed up to work today, everything was gone.
No note, no final paycheck.
I gave that woman two years.
Did you know she was robbing her clients?
I always suspected things here and there.
Business hadn't exactly been stellar.
But she always said we'd pull through.
Snowed me, all right.
Even left me holding the bag for her bills.
Fur cleaning and storage, wig maintenance...
Oh, it gets better.
Check out the green she dumped on that mutt of hers.
Dog grooming, custom outfits...
Track-a-Pooch.
What is that?
A global positioning system for animals.
I learned about it when I covered the Pet Fair.
You can tell exactly where a dog or a cat is via a chip in its collar.
So, if a papillon named Tisa happened to be glued to some matchmaker's lap...
So how do we turn it on?
Only the owner has the code to activate it.
Oh, no.
Eugenie does, too.
Where are we at?
The notes are great.
I really like the way you make your sevens.
Thank you.
How 'bout a coffee and a practice quiz?
Oh, damn it.
Ted Chong's locked in his dressing room.
The guy's claustrophobic.
Cough up the key.
This is my desk, Les.
Fine.
You want to go on air?
Drink it.
Absolutely not.
There's no need to make this so difficult.
It's just teeth.
Les, my test is in two hours.
First, my teeth, next, it's my hair.
Slippery slope, Les.
Do you want to die on this hill, Charlie?
'Cause I'm not backing down!
Drink it!
Never.
Look, Babcock.
We all have obstacles in this life.
My obstacle involves linear correlation, marginal frequencies and standard deviation.
Yours is a cup of coffee.
But it really boils down to the same thing, doesn't it?
Fear.
I can smell it all over you.
You're afraid that you're nothing more than a pretty face.
So am I.
And maybe it's true, and maybe it's not.
But I will never know unless I take this stupid test.
So what's it gonna be, Charlie?
You want to be the slick, shiny, pretty boy whose smile's so bright that it causes convulsions?
Or are you gonna be a man and drink the mochaccino?!
Shall we?
And five, four, three...
Good evening, Chicago.
I'm Charlie Babcock.
Our lead story tonight: An upscale matchmaker is on the run.
After allegations of fraud and her subsequent disappearance, police suspect that Nadia Vodinova broke her client's hearts and their bank accounts, too.
WEiE's Pepper Dennis is live with a break in the story.
That's right, Charlie.
Ms.
Vodinova, who allegedly absconded with over $100,000, has been tracked to a private plane-- a flight that has been canceled.
How did you get on here?
With the police waiting on the tarmac, we'll hear what this love consultant is thinking as she stops doling out advice and starts getting it from a lawyer.
Nadia, what do you have to say?
I say they deserved it.
For years, I was successful matchmaker-- the best.
Till my female clients started to change.
How?
In the last decade, talk shows, magazines have convinced women to settle for nothing less than perfection.
Is there something wrong with that?
Da.
There is no such thing as perfect relationship.
But these women are so afraid of failure they come up with every finicky reason why the man in front of them cannot possibly be the one.
When I realized that no man can make my clients happy, I began to hire fakes.
I have to make a living somehow.
So you blame women who know what they want for your actions?
Nyet.
The one I blame is the woman who is so terrified that she has given up, the one who hides, declares herself out of the game.
Those other women-- they killed my career.
But this woman-- this woman has killed love.
And that is something I can never forgive.
This way, please.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All right, all right.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, Gaye.
And I owe it all to you.
Ever since I gave up my quest for whiteness, feel like a weight's been lifted.
The heavens have opened up.
Want some blueberries?
No, thanks.
Chest bump?
Charlie, we need to talk.
Don't tell me: the lawsuit's back on?
Well, no worries here.
Our concerns are larger than that.
This is my fault.
I wanted to find a loophole to get some leverage on the teeth thing.
I had everyone digging.
That's when HR made a horrible discovery.
Mr.
Babcock, you're in violation of US immigration law, specifically section 237 A.1.B.
of the Immigration and Nationality Act.
What does that mean?
Your work visa has lapsed.
Impossible.
The station was required to file that paperwork when I started here.
Apparently, that was left to the old receptionist.
Brianna?
Let's not panic.
How do we clear it up?
By reporting your status to the Department of Homeland Security, which we did.
And...?
Guys, come on.
It's not like they're gonna deport me.
Girls, girls!
Why the long faces?
Didn't you hear?
True love is dead, and I killed it.
Oh, pish.
That Nadia woman was in a losing business.
Do you know the chances of two young, professional, single people actually hitting it off in this town?
It's like...
Carry the one...
One in 685,000!
Oh, my gosh.
Those are the same odds as drowning in a bathtub.
Congrats on your C-minus, Kathy.
Thank you.
Hey, Kathy!
Got to go.
I'm playing pool.
Well...
at least you got your money back.
Yeah.
Do you really like him?
We get along great.
He's hilarious.
And he thinks I'm hilarious.
You know, he just makes me feel good.
So why is it over?
I got scared-- scared of how you would react, scared that he was just another loser, scared that he wasn't another loser and that he was the real thing.
Only one way to find out if you're the yin to his yang.
And yeah, it's pretty scary.
What are you saying?
That you're wearing a really cute outfit, and you've got a drink in you, and if Mitch makes you happy, then you should go tell him.
I can't leave you here.
I'm fine.
I'm better than fine.
I'm back in the game.
You're taking yourself off the bench?
Launching, more like.
Screw Kathy's stats.
From now on, I'm not looking for perfection, just a kindred spirit, one who knows what I want even before I do-- like bananas on my bagel.
Wonder who could possibly know all that.
Why are you still here?
Go.
I feel awful about the way things ended between us.
Meaning, specifically, that it ended.
Look, Mitch, I blew it.
I treated you like you were part of my problems, when really, you only make my life better.
And I see that now, and I'm sorry.
I agree with you.
Great.
No, no, I mean, from before.
You know, about moving on and making myself available.
Mitch, pasta's ready!
I took your advice about reenrolling in classes, too.
This is Claudia.
We met at the registrar's office.
Claudia, this is a friend of my sister's.
So I'll see you later, then.
See you.
Babcock?
Marry me.
Transcript: Raceman - Synchro: Amariss www.forom.com -