Programa de TV: The Office - 6x16
I just wanted to check and see If there's anything you needed Before I went on my maternity leave.
Yeah, I'm pregnant.
Great.
Well, I'll write up the order.
Okay, thanks.
Wait a minute.
You can't do that.
You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Hey, did I tell you we're going to have a baby?
Oh, thank you very much.
I'm excite...oh!
Definitely.
No.
No!
You need to come by your sales honorably.
There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life.
People like it.
Hey, there.
Dwight schrute here.
Listen, uh, would you be interested In restocking on paper?
Yeah, I could sure use the money.
My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus.
Oh, it's just horrific.
The doctor says he's never seen it beard so quickly.
Okay.
I need a baby.
I'll never outsell jim and pam without one.
Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life.
Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.
Sync by fant0m www.addic7ed.com Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
I cooked my way through julia child's cookbook, And now I'm halfway through the twilight cookbook.
Last night I had edward's cornflake chicken.
Pregnant pam and I, We get hungry at the same times, So we've been eating together a lot...
Not all meals, just second breakfast, Lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.
I thought that maybe we should do something special For early dinner, One last ultra-feast.
Mmm, that sounds great.
What are you thinking?
I think it should be a surprise.
Oh, getting there, huh?
No, no.
I still have time.
I'm having contractions, But they're irregular and far apart.
So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid hmo.
If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate, Surrounded by doctors.
Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital Will be very nice, because once we bring the baby home, If it's crying all night, One of us is gonna have to take care of it.
And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
I cannot wait for that joke to be over. "
Contraptions"!
She's "contrapting."
Okay, you know what?
I think that I should drive you guys to the hospital, And here is why.
I am a licensed class "c" driver in the state of pennsylvania.
Michael...
I gas up the car.
Actually, I put diesel in this time...
Try to save some money.
Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Happy to do it.
Also, I did a heck of a job Baby-proofing this office.
You know the baby's not gonna live here, right?
Well, the baby was conceived here, So it might as well live here a little bit too.
That logic's airtight, But unfortunately, it wasn't conceived here.
Burning man, port-a-potty.
Ooh!
Yuck!
T.M.I.
How was it?
I don't want to know.
Tell me later.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Hospital!
Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital.
We are waiting until midnight.
Ooh, spooky.
But why?
Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Everything's fine.
We have plenty of time.
Well, you don't want to wait too long, pam.
Otherwise, the baby's gonna become a teenager in there, And you'll be up all night from the rock music.
Shut up, nick.
God!
What a weird thing to say, Weird I.T.
Nerd.
Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
What are you looking at?
Nerd.
Did you know that labor can last weeks?
And they take your insides out, And they just plop 'em on a table.
And sometimes epidurals don't work.
And you can poop yourself.
Bear my child.
Excuse me?
I want to have a child for business reasons, And I want you to be the mother.
If you agree, say nothing.
If you disagree, say anything.
Very well.
Let's meet at 4:00 p.M.
At our old meeting spot And bang it out.
All right, that's seven minutes.
Here we go.
This is happening.
Hold on, hold on.
It isn't midnight yet.
Are...are you serious?
Pam...
No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.
I'm gonna be okay.
We should really try To make it to midnight.
Pam, please.
Yeah.
No, you really should, 'cause if your baby's born tomorrow, He's gonna have the same birthday as buttmud brooks, My old roommate.
Did you hear that?
Buttmud brooks.
Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Five minutes apart.
So the plan was seven minutes.
But we're calling an audible, because that's her call, 'cause she's the quarterback.
I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.
Okay, okay, okay, okay...
Okay, stop watching me.
Okay, crazy.
I think I have some better things to do with my day Than worry about you, like sell printers.
Well, now till Friday, 20% off all toner cartridges.
That's a big deal.
While we're on the subject, Why don't I just run you down to the hospital And just do a quick check?
Not till midnight.
Guys...
A word of advice, speaking as a former baby.
Don't get too hung up on baby names.
I was named walter jr., after my father, Until I was about six or so, When my parents changed their minds.
I thought you said your younger brother Was named walter jr.
My brother was born, And my parents felt he better exemplified The walter jr.
Name, so they gave it to him.
I was given "andrew," Which they got out of a baby-name book.
How's it going?
You know what?
It's getting really crowded in here.
Maybe you guys should all go back to work, 'cause the day's not out yet.
No, no, no.
You know what?
You can't tell us what to do Because you are not co-manager anymore.
Okay.
Yes!
I feel like this noise is gonna prevent pam From being able to listen to her body's signals.
Actually, the distractions are good.
I mean, I don't think I'm gonna make it till midnight If I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Distractions are good!
That means conference room, five minutes.
No, no...five seconds!
Right now, right now, conference room.
Topic...potpourri.
Let's go.
Um, I'm sort of a master of distraction.
When I was a kid, my mom received compliments Left and right from my teachers on how...
I was always able to distract others in class.
Try to think what were the first 13 colonies?
The purpose for this meeting is to take pam's mind Off of what's going on inside of her body.
Can we do sleight-of-hand tricks?
I will allow that.
Yes!
Can anyone do those?
I'm gonna go look at the internet.
Oh!
Oh, oh, all right.
That's a good one.
Ow.
Okay...
Sorry, guys.
Just, um, keep talking.
Okay.
Oh, my god, pam, you are a woman warrior.
Oh, thanks, kelly.
Does anybody have anything...
anything interesting, Any hobbies, uh, special skills?
Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.
Yeah, phyl.
I can put on lipstick The way molly ringwald does in the breakfast club.
Nope.
No, I don't think anybody wants to see that.
I can do the "evolution of dance" dance.
That sounds good.
Do you need some music or...?
No.
Actually, music would just throw me off.
I need complete silence, okay?
You're clapping.
I need complete silence.
Totally threw me off, so I'm gonna have to start over. "
evolution of dance" dance. "
you let me in your bed, but now I sleep alone, Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home."
Affirmed, seattle slew, secretariat, Citation, assault, count fleet, Whirlaway, war admiral, omaha, gallant fox, and...
I know this.
The jockey was johnny loftus, Sired by star shoot.
Good afternoon.
Have a seat.
What is this?
Before we conceive a child, it is important That we bang out a parenting contract.
Of course.
It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
You know, I was thinking...
now, then...
Let's get to it, shall we? "
item one...child will be breast-fed by the mother "for exactly six months, then weaned "onto a nutrient-rich winter-vegetable mash "provided by the father, dwight schrute, Hereafter referred to as morpheus."
Agreed?
Agreed.
Where are we?
We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen.
Another 75 contractions, and you are going to be there.
For the love of god, pam, do it for ultra-feast!
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go give, uh, dr.
Rezvani a quick call.
He'll probably know...
Jim, please.
Happy thoughts here, happy times.
Yeah, happy times.
Come on.
Let's have happy times.
All right.
Jim, as a matter of fact...
I printed out ten ways to induce labor.
And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things, And we can slow down your labor.
Erin, read the first one. "
stimulate the nipples."
Okay, nobody touch pam's nipples.
Think of pam's nipples as toby's grundle.
Her shirt is touching them.
Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?
Okay, the second one is "walk around."
We're already doing the opposite of that...perfect.
Okay, number three... "
eat spicy foods."
Okay, the opposite of that...
Stick spicy food up her butt.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Come on, let's go to the hospital.
Pam, let's go to the hospital now.
Jim, sweetie, I love you, But you're really distracting me from my distractions.
Okay, great.
Well, sorry.
Why don't you go do some work?
Great.
I will do that.
Sorry, pam.
I just feel a little bit frazzled.
And you know how very rarely I use that word.
I know.
You don't like to be frazzled.
No, I don't.
Okay.
Oh, and by the way, Hate that you're helping her with this right now.
Totally.
Oh, someone's freaking.
A little frazzled.
He is.
I know pam better than anyone in this office, And obviously she's gone crazy.
But everybody wants to say that I'm crazy.
But I'm not crazy.
She's crazy.
I'm not crazy, she's crazy. "
five to seven minutes."
"five to seven minutes."
"six minutes."
different, but not really. "
five to seven minutes."
"acceptable names include and are limited to ebenezer..."
Jebediah. "
honus."
Jedediah. "
worf."
No star trek names.
Okay, fine.
What if it's a girl?
Irrelevant question.
Section 5-a... "
child shall be male.
Hey, uh-uh.
I cannot control that.
You can't put that in here.
Yes, you can.
No.
It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm For two days after sex And then extremely cold for five months.
Absolutely not.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm not gonna get in the car, because I know if I do, You'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Aw, you know me too well.
Okay, jim?
Yeah?
Everything is fine.
Totally.
You don't have to worry.
Try not to think about it.
She's not coming out for a while, okay?
Did you say "she"?
I called the doctor, like, a week ago.
I couldn't wait.
Oh, god, don't be mad.
Mad?
How could I be mad?
We're having a little girl.
Wow, we're having a little girl.
Oh, man.
I know.
Whew.
All right.
Aw...
Well, I definitely feel better.
Good.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, did you change?
Oh, yeah.
My water broke.
Pam?
Haaa!
Pam!
Okay.
All right.
Okay, it's time...
time to go to the hospital.
Somebody get jim, please.
Is it midnight yet?
No, it's 4:35.
4:35.
All right.
Almost made it.
Almost made it.
Too bad you didn't have sex, Like, 7,5 hours later.
But you had to have the afternoon delight.
I understand.
Sometimes you have to go for it.
Let's go to the hospital, shall we?
No, not yet, michael.
We can...
Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra-feast!
Where's kevin?
What?
You want to eat cat food with kevin And not go to the hospital?
That's fancy feast. "
ultra-feast" is something they made up So they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
What is octoberfeast?
There's no rush to get to the hospital.
I am fine.
I'll get there.
And if I don't get there, I don't get there.
Our ultra-feast menu's theme...
Hollywood.
We have ratatouille from ratatouille And tandoori chicken from born into brothels.
I tried to bake a cake like that district 9 prawn thing, But I...
are you okay?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, I'm fine.
Um...
Are you sure?
Yeah.
The doctor said that it's still considered A minor contraction as long as I can talk through it!
Okay, okay.
Jim?
I think this feast is over, And it's time to go to the hospital.
All right.
Time to go?
That's right.
Let's do this.
Let's give it a shot.
No, no, it's better.
That wasn't even the worst of 'em...I'm fine.
Hey, come on, let's go to the hospital.
They're not that bad still, babe.
No, it's passing.
It's fine.
Pam, it's time.
Let's go to the hospital.
It's okay.
Michael says we should go now.
Yeah, I think we should head out.
Pam.
Oh, no, it passed.
It's good.
You know what?
Hon, I'm not asking anymore.
Babe, I'm not going.
We need to go.
Come on, come on!
No, I'm not going!
I am not going, okay?
Okay.
All right.
I'm not going today!
Because I can't do it.
I don't think I can do it.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding?
If anyone can do this, you can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Pam, I'm scared.
I'm real scared.
I'm scared too.
I'm petrified.
But the best news is We're gonna have a baby today...
A really awesome baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
So let's have it at the hospital.
Let's do that.
How we doing on contractions?
Two minutes apart.
Two min...
Oh, god.
Oh, no.
Michael, I told you...
It's okay.
No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
Jim, we waited too long.
I know, I know.
We waited too long.
Two minutes doesn't do us any good.
What happened to four and three?
We're okay, jim.
Okay, pamela, you know what time it is?
I don't want to have my baby here.
No, you're not going to.
You know where you're going.
The hospital.
Yes, you are.
And you know what you're gonna have?
A baby.
Yes!
We're going to the hospital, and we're gonna have a baby.
I got it, I got it!
Everybody, it's go time!
Action stations!
Stanley, man the phones.
Meredith, please, a bottle of water.
Erin, call an ambulance, please.
No, no, no.
Ambulances are emergencies only.
You call the ambulance, I call the cops.
All right, we're driving ourselves, actually.
No, jim, you are in no condition to drive.
I will drive you!
Check!
Got it!
All right, I have my wallet.
Yes.
Go-bag's in the car.
Go-bag!
Where's my go-bag?
Keys...I need my keys!
There's nothing in it.
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it!
Okay!
Great!
Oh, hey, hey!
Should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
The hospital will provide dictionaries.
Bring a thesaurus.
Has anyone checked how dilated she is?
This is ridiculous.
Dwight, get away.
No, no, no, dwight.
Let jim do that, please.
I didn't know we had a tape measure.
We don't.
Okay, I can't find my keys.
I cannot find my keys!
Found 'em.
They're here.
Go!
Here we go!
Here we go!
Good luck!
Good luck, pam.
Thank you!
Bye!
Wish me luck!
Have fun!
Hey, it's 5:00.
Here we go!
Here we go!
On our way!
Hold it!
Come on, stanley.
Okay.
We're goin' now.
One more...
No!
No!
No!
Out!
Out!
Out!
Idiot.
Dwight, what is the traffic like?
Doesn't matter.
I'll escort you!
All right.
Jeez!
Let's go!
Easy, dwight!
Michael!
What?
Michael!
What?
This is where I saw that deer last week.
Where?
Right over by that fence.
By the bushes?
Okay, michael, focus!
Okay, go, go, go, go, go!
Guys, come on!
Let's go!
I love escorting people.
In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service.
Got a lot of responses...
Mostly creeps.
Made a few friends.
All right, here we go.
Okay!
You're doing great!
Just breathe.
She'll be here soon.
She?
You found out?
Come on, guys.
I wanted to be surprised.
Michael!
Yeah?
Stop texting!
Michael, come on!
I'm texting about you, okay?
Ah!
All right...
Let's move!
Fa...what?
Oh, you're kidding me!
Pull over!
You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer.
Don't make this difficult, dwight.
Wait...
Wait!
My ipod's not in here!
Okay.
It has the birth song on it.
Okay, I know, I know, but my ipod is in the go-bag.
We'll be fine.
Jim, I don't want The first thing the baby hears to be the 8 mile soundtrack.
So what do you wanna do?
I don't know!
Let's go by the house and get it.
It's only 20 minutes past the hospital!
Pam, pam, no.
Are you nuts?
We're going to the hospital now.
Guys, guys, stop fighting.
Come on.
Come on!
Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer?
Right?
Okay, you know what?
I am all over this.
Here we go.
Ready?
Dwight schrute.
Hello, dwight.
Pam left her ipod at her house.
I want you to swing by, pick it up, And bring it to the hospital.
We need it yesterday.
Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday?
I kept I.M.Ing you how bored I was.
Okay...
Dwight!
Go to my house, get my ipod.
I think it's on the kitchen table.
Do not touch anything else.
The key is underneath...
I don't need a key.
Okay, dwight, But if you do need a key, just listen, it's under...
No, don't, don't.
Don't tell me.
Lalalalalalala!
Dwight, just listen to me!
Okay.
Do you have everything, guys?
Michael, just go park the car.
Okay.
All right.
Sir...
dunder mifflin.
It's okay.
You can't park here.
I just did.
Pam's doing great.
Uh, she's ten inches dilated now...
Sorry, meters...
centimeters.
Uh, and she's also fully effaced, Which I don't know what that is.
Uh, but no baby yet.
It's only been 6...
19 hours.
And, uh, I was sent out for some ice chips, 'cause I might have passed out a little bit.
But these are very refreshing, very good.
Daddy.
She's ready to push.
Okay.
Where's my little nibblet?
Halpert, room d-1.
All right.
Family only beyond this point.
Thank you!
There we go.
You're doing great.
Push again.
Not yet.
No, don't push.
Pull.
Why don't you get some more ice chips?
No, jim, stay!
Okay, really push this time, pam.
Okay!
Nope, not yet, not yet, not yet.
Gotta go wash my eyes.
That kid's gonna have a lot of hair.
Ha...have you guys seen her?
She hasn't popped yet.
What?
Ah, damn it!
She was supposed to come out yesterday.
I decided to give baby halpert a newspaper From the day she was born.
This frame set me back 55 bones.
But she decided to take her sweet time, So now I have to switch it with today's paper.
This is ridiculous.
We just can't wait here.
I think it's gonna be any minute now.
But you don't know that.
I mean, we could be here another half an hour.
Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Oh, my god!
Go, go, go!
Are you insane?
All right.
Guys?
Hello?
You're doing great.
Um...
You're doing great.
Just relax.
Sorry to be a bother, But, uh, if we could have an E.T.A...
When this is gonna...
This isn't happening!
You're starting...
you're kinda losing 'em.
Oh, my god!
Look at her.
Pam, she's so beautiful.
Yeah!
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
That's right.
It's a baby, see...
Sir.
Sir, you can't smoke that in here.
Okay.
Put it...put it out.
All right.
Can't smoke anywhere these days.
She's incredible.
You wanna count her fingers and toes again?
No.
Let's let her rest.
I'm sure there's still 12 of each.
Okay.
Guys, guys!
Her name is cecilia marie halpert.
11 pounds...
She's 7 pounds...
7 pounds.
2 ounces, 18 inches.
Mother and daughter are doing great.
Congratulations.
Here.
Hey, grandma's back.
Well, it was an adventure and a half Trying to find the cafeteria, But I have returned with the coffee.
Oh, thank god.
I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
May I?
Yes.
Oh, somebody has a full diaper.
Oh.
Let me get it.
I am a diapering master.
I've done little else in the past two months.
There is nothing I cannot diaper.
Go ahead.
Try to think of something.
I dare you.
Where's the baby?
I want to see the baby!
Helene.
Hi.
My goodness, what are the odds of this?
Congratulations on being a grandma.
Hello, michael.
Hello!
Oh.
How are you?
I'm, uh...
I worry about you.
You know, I think, uh...
I think it's time for me to go.
Oh.
Okay.
Love you.
Love you, as a friend.
Love you, mom.
I want to hold the baby!
Okay.
You just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Oh, right.
Again.
No pants.
Well, uh...
Ready?
Mm-hmm.
Michael.
Michael.
That's so weird.
She was saying it just before you got here.
Yesterday I was dispatched to jim and pam's house To find pam's ipod.
I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it.
What I did find...
Was mold And lots of it.
So I did what anyone would do.
I got a good night's sleep and made plans to eradicate it.
Time to get to work.
There she sat.
Her name was pam.
She was a receptionist.
She was engaged to an animal.
There sat jim.
He was a gawky, tall salesman.
The odds of them getting together Were "insurmountainable."
I made a family.
I got these two together, and I made a family.
This man has a gift!
Who else here is single?
I'm not single.
I have a man.
I am offering up my services to you all.
You saw what I did with pam and jim.
I can help you too.
Why don't you find someone for yourself Instead of meddling in our affairs?
Okay, show of hands...
who wants to live in a world Where stanley has two lovers and you don't have any?
Who else?
Come on, people.
I know models.
Plus-size models maybe.
Ha ha ha!
You got that right.
Meredith, come on.
You're obviously single.
You know it.
I am never getting married.
Like clooney.
Andrew, what about you?
Torn scrotum...
still on the mend, so...
Ooh...Ah.
Not good timing.
Yes, I'm gonna ask out erin.
I'm just waiting for the stars to align...
Literally.
I have a small skylight in my bedroom, And I'd like for the moon to be visible.
Well, when you least expect it, expect it.
I am going to fill The empty voids in your life with love.
I am going to fill that empty hole in your body With another person.
And, like cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
Remember yesterday When we were terrified of being parents?
We were just kids.
What did we know?
Hey.
How we doing?
Good.
Great.
Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?
Doesn't she sleep here?
She can.
Uh, but a lot of parents choose to have the baby Spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest.
You've been through a lot.
I think we'll be okay.
Okay.
Great.
Oh!
Big yawn.
Ready?
One, two, three.
One, and then wrap around.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hold that arm down.
I can't.
She's too strong.
Careful, though.
You don't wanna break it.
She's not gonna...
just...
Pam, I got it.
All right.
Go, go.
Arms out.
Nurse?
How you doing?
I don't know.
I just...I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Really?
It doesn't feel right.
Well, you...you're pushing the milk out, right?
How would one do that?
Wasn't it...
it's kinda like a...
Like...Like that.
Do you wanna try it, jim?
Mm-mm.
I think you're good.
You're doing a good job.
Somebody buzzed.
Oh, really?
Must have sat on it, pam.
I can't tell if she's getting anything.
It just doesn't really feel right.
Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while.
I can take her to the nursery And then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Even if she's not getting anything?
Yeah.
She'll be fine.
I-I can always give her a bottle once we're in the nursery.
No.
I-I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Oh, good.
You know everything.
I mean, she's just...she's really tentative about latching.
And I just...I wanna keep her self-esteem up.
I'll bring her back in a little while, And we can try again, okay?
All right.
Okay.
It's gonna be all right.
Maybe itl be good, 'cause then she can, like, socialize with the other babies.
No.
Yeah, that would...
that would be good.
You wanted to see me?
What would you say if I told you That I was about to change your life.
Oh, boy.
What's that sound?
I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Yes.
I don't know what to say.
Oh, say nothing.
You will learn to love me.
Okay!
Hold on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You gotta let the cookies cool Before you pop 'em in your mouth.
Why don't you guys get to know each other?
Maybe have lunch together.
Erin, would you have lunch with me?
Okay.
Good!
Yes!
Michael, can I talk to you privately?
Sure.
Kevin, please leave.
Bye.
Good-bye.
I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into kevin, But I'm not...I like andy.
Okay.
This is going to kill kevin.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
I'm not so sure.
Kevin has an enormous heart.
Literally, he has an elephant heart.
He had a transplant, When he was 17, had some problems, Blah, blah, blah.
Really?
No.
Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart.
But he is very sensitive, and it won't kill erin To just go and have lunch with him in the break room Like I promised him.
I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
I don't want anyone to die.
Well, just don't let him sit on you.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
You'll have fun.
It'll be good.
It'll be good.
There he is.
Go to him.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, she touched my shoulder.
Hey, guys, we're short on rooms, So this is dale and kathy.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
Hi.
So sorry.
Oh...Careful.
She just shoves the nipple right in there.
I know.
Did you see that?
I'm pretty sure she's...
Did you grow up around here?
No.
So...
You must have grown up around somewhere else?
Yes.
Why was I hiding behind the plant?
Well, in college, I took a botany class, And there was lots of drama in that class.
Uh, kids would gossip about me, So I would eavesdrop on them By hiding behind different plants In the botany class.
And then they would say things like, "oh, this guy's gonna fail this class," Or, "what's this guy doing Spying on us from behind plants?"
And then I would jump out at them and confront them And be like, "oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants And spy on people?"
busted.
Oh...the reason?
The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation Was that I thought that erin and kevin Were kind of hitting it off, and...
I was jealous.
Uh, hi.
Pam halpert.
Yes.
Hi.
I'm clarke.
Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Um...
Yep.
Yeah, that would be great.
Yeah, that would be really great.
Okay.
When's she available?
Actually, I'm the consultant. "
Got milk?"
All right...
Let's see what we're workin' with.
So, uh, the biggest thing...
Mm-hmm.
Besides not being able to get her to latch...
Here, I'll get that for you.
Oh, thank you.
Is that, um, I can't tell if I'm really producing.
I-I don't know if she's getting anything.
Let me feel here.
Okay.
Yeah, it's quite full.
Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand?
Okay.
When you're feeding, You want to press in like this, make your hand in a "c".
Does that hurt?
No, I mean, It feels...Pressure.
Sure it doesn't hurt?
No.
It just feels like pressure.
See how I'm flicking the nipple?
Mm-hmm.
Like that.
Yep.
You can stimulate it.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
All right, so you just wanna do that, and that will, uh...
Perfect.
The baby should grab onto that.
I think she will.
Okay.
So I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though.
We'll figure it out...
Probably.
Why don't you bring your baby over here?
Okay.
She's beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Yes.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Well, you're doing a good job.
Just stay relaxed, and...
I'll come back in a bit to check on you, okay?
Okay.
Please do.
Oh, shoot.
What?
Shoot.
She fell off.
Oh.
Uh, try...try the torpedo thing.
Will you just...will you grab clarke real quick?
No need.
I saw him do it.
I can try it.
Jim, please, please, please.
I think it would be weird if you did it.
That makes sense.
I'll just...
Go get the other guy.
Hey, what's up, kid?
Have you had a chance to look over the revisions On the contract I prepared for you?
Nothing left to do except dot the "I"s, The "j"s, and the umlauts.
Why don't you meet me here At exactly mid-late afternoon?
I look forward to it.
Very well.
Good-bye.
Jim.
Hmm.
Jim, get her.
Hmm?
Get the baby.
Get her, come on.
Okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
I know, I know.
Thank you.
Okay.
Come here.
Oh, boy.
All right.
I got her.
Okay.
Jim.
Hmm?
She latched.
She latched.
That's amazing.
Oh, my god.
I didn't even have to do the "c" thing.
That's awesome.
Oh, we're doing it.
That's great.
We're really parents now.
Mm...
Kevin, erin would like a few words with you.
Hey.
Hi.
I have really enjoyed our time together.
Yeah.
Me too.
I wanna continue working on our friendship...
It's been really, really fun.
Because I think a friendship Could be a really cool thing.
Yeah, me too.
And you're my friend.
I hope that I'm your friend.
Yeah.
Oh, my god, this is agoning.
Look, kevin, Do you really think that you could have dated erin?
You said she liked me.
Okay, even if someone told you that, You should know that that could never be possible, kevin.
And I'm surprised That you didn't question me in the first place.
I've done better than erin.
No, you haven't.
Lynn was way hotter than erin, michael.
Lynn was as hot as erin.
Yeah, michael, but you dated holly and jan, And they were so much hotter than you.
This isn't about me, and that is debatable.
And I have a personality, whereas you...
Yes, andy?
Kev?
Nice going.
Knock, knock.
Oh, hey, isabel.
Pam, she's gorgeous.
Oh, my...can I hold her?
Yes, yes.
She was a little fussy earlier, But she's totally quieted down.
Here, let me just, uh...
let me burp her.
I don't want her to spit up on you.
Look at you.
Come here, sweetie.
Oh, my god!
What?
Wrong baby.
What?
Wrong baby!
This is not our baby!
Oh, my god!
Yeah, I'm pregnant.
Great.
Well, I'll write up the order.
Okay, thanks.
Wait a minute.
You can't do that.
You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Hey, did I tell you we're going to have a baby?
Oh, thank you very much.
I'm excite...oh!
Definitely.
No.
No!
You need to come by your sales honorably.
There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life.
People like it.
Hey, there.
Dwight schrute here.
Listen, uh, would you be interested In restocking on paper?
Yeah, I could sure use the money.
My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus.
Oh, it's just horrific.
The doctor says he's never seen it beard so quickly.
Okay.
I need a baby.
I'll never outsell jim and pam without one.
Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life.
Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.
Sync by fant0m www.addic7ed.com Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
I cooked my way through julia child's cookbook, And now I'm halfway through the twilight cookbook.
Last night I had edward's cornflake chicken.
Pregnant pam and I, We get hungry at the same times, So we've been eating together a lot...
Not all meals, just second breakfast, Lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.
I thought that maybe we should do something special For early dinner, One last ultra-feast.
Mmm, that sounds great.
What are you thinking?
I think it should be a surprise.
Oh, getting there, huh?
No, no.
I still have time.
I'm having contractions, But they're irregular and far apart.
So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid hmo.
If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate, Surrounded by doctors.
Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital Will be very nice, because once we bring the baby home, If it's crying all night, One of us is gonna have to take care of it.
And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
I cannot wait for that joke to be over. "
Contraptions"!
She's "contrapting."
Okay, you know what?
I think that I should drive you guys to the hospital, And here is why.
I am a licensed class "c" driver in the state of pennsylvania.
Michael...
I gas up the car.
Actually, I put diesel in this time...
Try to save some money.
Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Happy to do it.
Also, I did a heck of a job Baby-proofing this office.
You know the baby's not gonna live here, right?
Well, the baby was conceived here, So it might as well live here a little bit too.
That logic's airtight, But unfortunately, it wasn't conceived here.
Burning man, port-a-potty.
Ooh!
Yuck!
T.M.I.
How was it?
I don't want to know.
Tell me later.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Hospital!
Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital.
We are waiting until midnight.
Ooh, spooky.
But why?
Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Everything's fine.
We have plenty of time.
Well, you don't want to wait too long, pam.
Otherwise, the baby's gonna become a teenager in there, And you'll be up all night from the rock music.
Shut up, nick.
God!
What a weird thing to say, Weird I.T.
Nerd.
Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
What are you looking at?
Nerd.
Did you know that labor can last weeks?
And they take your insides out, And they just plop 'em on a table.
And sometimes epidurals don't work.
And you can poop yourself.
Bear my child.
Excuse me?
I want to have a child for business reasons, And I want you to be the mother.
If you agree, say nothing.
If you disagree, say anything.
Very well.
Let's meet at 4:00 p.M.
At our old meeting spot And bang it out.
All right, that's seven minutes.
Here we go.
This is happening.
Hold on, hold on.
It isn't midnight yet.
Are...are you serious?
Pam...
No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.
I'm gonna be okay.
We should really try To make it to midnight.
Pam, please.
Yeah.
No, you really should, 'cause if your baby's born tomorrow, He's gonna have the same birthday as buttmud brooks, My old roommate.
Did you hear that?
Buttmud brooks.
Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Five minutes apart.
So the plan was seven minutes.
But we're calling an audible, because that's her call, 'cause she's the quarterback.
I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.
Okay, okay, okay, okay...
Okay, stop watching me.
Okay, crazy.
I think I have some better things to do with my day Than worry about you, like sell printers.
Well, now till Friday, 20% off all toner cartridges.
That's a big deal.
While we're on the subject, Why don't I just run you down to the hospital And just do a quick check?
Not till midnight.
Guys...
A word of advice, speaking as a former baby.
Don't get too hung up on baby names.
I was named walter jr., after my father, Until I was about six or so, When my parents changed their minds.
I thought you said your younger brother Was named walter jr.
My brother was born, And my parents felt he better exemplified The walter jr.
Name, so they gave it to him.
I was given "andrew," Which they got out of a baby-name book.
How's it going?
You know what?
It's getting really crowded in here.
Maybe you guys should all go back to work, 'cause the day's not out yet.
No, no, no.
You know what?
You can't tell us what to do Because you are not co-manager anymore.
Okay.
Yes!
I feel like this noise is gonna prevent pam From being able to listen to her body's signals.
Actually, the distractions are good.
I mean, I don't think I'm gonna make it till midnight If I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Distractions are good!
That means conference room, five minutes.
No, no...five seconds!
Right now, right now, conference room.
Topic...potpourri.
Let's go.
Um, I'm sort of a master of distraction.
When I was a kid, my mom received compliments Left and right from my teachers on how...
I was always able to distract others in class.
Try to think what were the first 13 colonies?
The purpose for this meeting is to take pam's mind Off of what's going on inside of her body.
Can we do sleight-of-hand tricks?
I will allow that.
Yes!
Can anyone do those?
I'm gonna go look at the internet.
Oh!
Oh, oh, all right.
That's a good one.
Ow.
Okay...
Sorry, guys.
Just, um, keep talking.
Okay.
Oh, my god, pam, you are a woman warrior.
Oh, thanks, kelly.
Does anybody have anything...
anything interesting, Any hobbies, uh, special skills?
Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.
Yeah, phyl.
I can put on lipstick The way molly ringwald does in the breakfast club.
Nope.
No, I don't think anybody wants to see that.
I can do the "evolution of dance" dance.
That sounds good.
Do you need some music or...?
No.
Actually, music would just throw me off.
I need complete silence, okay?
You're clapping.
I need complete silence.
Totally threw me off, so I'm gonna have to start over. "
evolution of dance" dance. "
you let me in your bed, but now I sleep alone, Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home."
Affirmed, seattle slew, secretariat, Citation, assault, count fleet, Whirlaway, war admiral, omaha, gallant fox, and...
I know this.
The jockey was johnny loftus, Sired by star shoot.
Good afternoon.
Have a seat.
What is this?
Before we conceive a child, it is important That we bang out a parenting contract.
Of course.
It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
You know, I was thinking...
now, then...
Let's get to it, shall we? "
item one...child will be breast-fed by the mother "for exactly six months, then weaned "onto a nutrient-rich winter-vegetable mash "provided by the father, dwight schrute, Hereafter referred to as morpheus."
Agreed?
Agreed.
Where are we?
We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen.
Another 75 contractions, and you are going to be there.
For the love of god, pam, do it for ultra-feast!
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go give, uh, dr.
Rezvani a quick call.
He'll probably know...
Jim, please.
Happy thoughts here, happy times.
Yeah, happy times.
Come on.
Let's have happy times.
All right.
Jim, as a matter of fact...
I printed out ten ways to induce labor.
And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things, And we can slow down your labor.
Erin, read the first one. "
stimulate the nipples."
Okay, nobody touch pam's nipples.
Think of pam's nipples as toby's grundle.
Her shirt is touching them.
Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?
Okay, the second one is "walk around."
We're already doing the opposite of that...perfect.
Okay, number three... "
eat spicy foods."
Okay, the opposite of that...
Stick spicy food up her butt.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Come on, let's go to the hospital.
Pam, let's go to the hospital now.
Jim, sweetie, I love you, But you're really distracting me from my distractions.
Okay, great.
Well, sorry.
Why don't you go do some work?
Great.
I will do that.
Sorry, pam.
I just feel a little bit frazzled.
And you know how very rarely I use that word.
I know.
You don't like to be frazzled.
No, I don't.
Okay.
Oh, and by the way, Hate that you're helping her with this right now.
Totally.
Oh, someone's freaking.
A little frazzled.
He is.
I know pam better than anyone in this office, And obviously she's gone crazy.
But everybody wants to say that I'm crazy.
But I'm not crazy.
She's crazy.
I'm not crazy, she's crazy. "
five to seven minutes."
"five to seven minutes."
"six minutes."
different, but not really. "
five to seven minutes."
"acceptable names include and are limited to ebenezer..."
Jebediah. "
honus."
Jedediah. "
worf."
No star trek names.
Okay, fine.
What if it's a girl?
Irrelevant question.
Section 5-a... "
child shall be male.
Hey, uh-uh.
I cannot control that.
You can't put that in here.
Yes, you can.
No.
It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm For two days after sex And then extremely cold for five months.
Absolutely not.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm not gonna get in the car, because I know if I do, You'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Aw, you know me too well.
Okay, jim?
Yeah?
Everything is fine.
Totally.
You don't have to worry.
Try not to think about it.
She's not coming out for a while, okay?
Did you say "she"?
I called the doctor, like, a week ago.
I couldn't wait.
Oh, god, don't be mad.
Mad?
How could I be mad?
We're having a little girl.
Wow, we're having a little girl.
Oh, man.
I know.
Whew.
All right.
Aw...
Well, I definitely feel better.
Good.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, did you change?
Oh, yeah.
My water broke.
Pam?
Haaa!
Pam!
Okay.
All right.
Okay, it's time...
time to go to the hospital.
Somebody get jim, please.
Is it midnight yet?
No, it's 4:35.
4:35.
All right.
Almost made it.
Almost made it.
Too bad you didn't have sex, Like, 7,5 hours later.
But you had to have the afternoon delight.
I understand.
Sometimes you have to go for it.
Let's go to the hospital, shall we?
No, not yet, michael.
We can...
Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra-feast!
Where's kevin?
What?
You want to eat cat food with kevin And not go to the hospital?
That's fancy feast. "
ultra-feast" is something they made up So they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
What is octoberfeast?
There's no rush to get to the hospital.
I am fine.
I'll get there.
And if I don't get there, I don't get there.
Our ultra-feast menu's theme...
Hollywood.
We have ratatouille from ratatouille And tandoori chicken from born into brothels.
I tried to bake a cake like that district 9 prawn thing, But I...
are you okay?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, I'm fine.
Um...
Are you sure?
Yeah.
The doctor said that it's still considered A minor contraction as long as I can talk through it!
Okay, okay.
Jim?
I think this feast is over, And it's time to go to the hospital.
All right.
Time to go?
That's right.
Let's do this.
Let's give it a shot.
No, no, it's better.
That wasn't even the worst of 'em...I'm fine.
Hey, come on, let's go to the hospital.
They're not that bad still, babe.
No, it's passing.
It's fine.
Pam, it's time.
Let's go to the hospital.
It's okay.
Michael says we should go now.
Yeah, I think we should head out.
Pam.
Oh, no, it passed.
It's good.
You know what?
Hon, I'm not asking anymore.
Babe, I'm not going.
We need to go.
Come on, come on!
No, I'm not going!
I am not going, okay?
Okay.
All right.
I'm not going today!
Because I can't do it.
I don't think I can do it.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding?
If anyone can do this, you can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Pam, I'm scared.
I'm real scared.
I'm scared too.
I'm petrified.
But the best news is We're gonna have a baby today...
A really awesome baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
So let's have it at the hospital.
Let's do that.
How we doing on contractions?
Two minutes apart.
Two min...
Oh, god.
Oh, no.
Michael, I told you...
It's okay.
No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
Jim, we waited too long.
I know, I know.
We waited too long.
Two minutes doesn't do us any good.
What happened to four and three?
We're okay, jim.
Okay, pamela, you know what time it is?
I don't want to have my baby here.
No, you're not going to.
You know where you're going.
The hospital.
Yes, you are.
And you know what you're gonna have?
A baby.
Yes!
We're going to the hospital, and we're gonna have a baby.
I got it, I got it!
Everybody, it's go time!
Action stations!
Stanley, man the phones.
Meredith, please, a bottle of water.
Erin, call an ambulance, please.
No, no, no.
Ambulances are emergencies only.
You call the ambulance, I call the cops.
All right, we're driving ourselves, actually.
No, jim, you are in no condition to drive.
I will drive you!
Check!
Got it!
All right, I have my wallet.
Yes.
Go-bag's in the car.
Go-bag!
Where's my go-bag?
Keys...I need my keys!
There's nothing in it.
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it!
Okay!
Great!
Oh, hey, hey!
Should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
The hospital will provide dictionaries.
Bring a thesaurus.
Has anyone checked how dilated she is?
This is ridiculous.
Dwight, get away.
No, no, no, dwight.
Let jim do that, please.
I didn't know we had a tape measure.
We don't.
Okay, I can't find my keys.
I cannot find my keys!
Found 'em.
They're here.
Go!
Here we go!
Here we go!
Good luck!
Good luck, pam.
Thank you!
Bye!
Wish me luck!
Have fun!
Hey, it's 5:00.
Here we go!
Here we go!
On our way!
Hold it!
Come on, stanley.
Okay.
We're goin' now.
One more...
No!
No!
No!
Out!
Out!
Out!
Idiot.
Dwight, what is the traffic like?
Doesn't matter.
I'll escort you!
All right.
Jeez!
Let's go!
Easy, dwight!
Michael!
What?
Michael!
What?
This is where I saw that deer last week.
Where?
Right over by that fence.
By the bushes?
Okay, michael, focus!
Okay, go, go, go, go, go!
Guys, come on!
Let's go!
I love escorting people.
In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service.
Got a lot of responses...
Mostly creeps.
Made a few friends.
All right, here we go.
Okay!
You're doing great!
Just breathe.
She'll be here soon.
She?
You found out?
Come on, guys.
I wanted to be surprised.
Michael!
Yeah?
Stop texting!
Michael, come on!
I'm texting about you, okay?
Ah!
All right...
Let's move!
Fa...what?
Oh, you're kidding me!
Pull over!
You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer.
Don't make this difficult, dwight.
Wait...
Wait!
My ipod's not in here!
Okay.
It has the birth song on it.
Okay, I know, I know, but my ipod is in the go-bag.
We'll be fine.
Jim, I don't want The first thing the baby hears to be the 8 mile soundtrack.
So what do you wanna do?
I don't know!
Let's go by the house and get it.
It's only 20 minutes past the hospital!
Pam, pam, no.
Are you nuts?
We're going to the hospital now.
Guys, guys, stop fighting.
Come on.
Come on!
Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer?
Right?
Okay, you know what?
I am all over this.
Here we go.
Ready?
Dwight schrute.
Hello, dwight.
Pam left her ipod at her house.
I want you to swing by, pick it up, And bring it to the hospital.
We need it yesterday.
Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday?
I kept I.M.Ing you how bored I was.
Okay...
Dwight!
Go to my house, get my ipod.
I think it's on the kitchen table.
Do not touch anything else.
The key is underneath...
I don't need a key.
Okay, dwight, But if you do need a key, just listen, it's under...
No, don't, don't.
Don't tell me.
Lalalalalalala!
Dwight, just listen to me!
Okay.
Do you have everything, guys?
Michael, just go park the car.
Okay.
All right.
Sir...
dunder mifflin.
It's okay.
You can't park here.
I just did.
Pam's doing great.
Uh, she's ten inches dilated now...
Sorry, meters...
centimeters.
Uh, and she's also fully effaced, Which I don't know what that is.
Uh, but no baby yet.
It's only been 6...
19 hours.
And, uh, I was sent out for some ice chips, 'cause I might have passed out a little bit.
But these are very refreshing, very good.
Daddy.
She's ready to push.
Okay.
Where's my little nibblet?
Halpert, room d-1.
All right.
Family only beyond this point.
Thank you!
There we go.
You're doing great.
Push again.
Not yet.
No, don't push.
Pull.
Why don't you get some more ice chips?
No, jim, stay!
Okay, really push this time, pam.
Okay!
Nope, not yet, not yet, not yet.
Gotta go wash my eyes.
That kid's gonna have a lot of hair.
Ha...have you guys seen her?
She hasn't popped yet.
What?
Ah, damn it!
She was supposed to come out yesterday.
I decided to give baby halpert a newspaper From the day she was born.
This frame set me back 55 bones.
But she decided to take her sweet time, So now I have to switch it with today's paper.
This is ridiculous.
We just can't wait here.
I think it's gonna be any minute now.
But you don't know that.
I mean, we could be here another half an hour.
Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Oh, my god!
Go, go, go!
Are you insane?
All right.
Guys?
Hello?
You're doing great.
Um...
You're doing great.
Just relax.
Sorry to be a bother, But, uh, if we could have an E.T.A...
When this is gonna...
This isn't happening!
You're starting...
you're kinda losing 'em.
Oh, my god!
Look at her.
Pam, she's so beautiful.
Yeah!
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
That's right.
It's a baby, see...
Sir.
Sir, you can't smoke that in here.
Okay.
Put it...put it out.
All right.
Can't smoke anywhere these days.
She's incredible.
You wanna count her fingers and toes again?
No.
Let's let her rest.
I'm sure there's still 12 of each.
Okay.
Guys, guys!
Her name is cecilia marie halpert.
11 pounds...
She's 7 pounds...
7 pounds.
2 ounces, 18 inches.
Mother and daughter are doing great.
Congratulations.
Here.
Hey, grandma's back.
Well, it was an adventure and a half Trying to find the cafeteria, But I have returned with the coffee.
Oh, thank god.
I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
May I?
Yes.
Oh, somebody has a full diaper.
Oh.
Let me get it.
I am a diapering master.
I've done little else in the past two months.
There is nothing I cannot diaper.
Go ahead.
Try to think of something.
I dare you.
Where's the baby?
I want to see the baby!
Helene.
Hi.
My goodness, what are the odds of this?
Congratulations on being a grandma.
Hello, michael.
Hello!
Oh.
How are you?
I'm, uh...
I worry about you.
You know, I think, uh...
I think it's time for me to go.
Oh.
Okay.
Love you.
Love you, as a friend.
Love you, mom.
I want to hold the baby!
Okay.
You just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Oh, right.
Again.
No pants.
Well, uh...
Ready?
Mm-hmm.
Michael.
Michael.
That's so weird.
She was saying it just before you got here.
Yesterday I was dispatched to jim and pam's house To find pam's ipod.
I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it.
What I did find...
Was mold And lots of it.
So I did what anyone would do.
I got a good night's sleep and made plans to eradicate it.
Time to get to work.
There she sat.
Her name was pam.
She was a receptionist.
She was engaged to an animal.
There sat jim.
He was a gawky, tall salesman.
The odds of them getting together Were "insurmountainable."
I made a family.
I got these two together, and I made a family.
This man has a gift!
Who else here is single?
I'm not single.
I have a man.
I am offering up my services to you all.
You saw what I did with pam and jim.
I can help you too.
Why don't you find someone for yourself Instead of meddling in our affairs?
Okay, show of hands...
who wants to live in a world Where stanley has two lovers and you don't have any?
Who else?
Come on, people.
I know models.
Plus-size models maybe.
Ha ha ha!
You got that right.
Meredith, come on.
You're obviously single.
You know it.
I am never getting married.
Like clooney.
Andrew, what about you?
Torn scrotum...
still on the mend, so...
Ooh...Ah.
Not good timing.
Yes, I'm gonna ask out erin.
I'm just waiting for the stars to align...
Literally.
I have a small skylight in my bedroom, And I'd like for the moon to be visible.
Well, when you least expect it, expect it.
I am going to fill The empty voids in your life with love.
I am going to fill that empty hole in your body With another person.
And, like cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
Remember yesterday When we were terrified of being parents?
We were just kids.
What did we know?
Hey.
How we doing?
Good.
Great.
Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?
Doesn't she sleep here?
She can.
Uh, but a lot of parents choose to have the baby Spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest.
You've been through a lot.
I think we'll be okay.
Okay.
Great.
Oh!
Big yawn.
Ready?
One, two, three.
One, and then wrap around.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hold that arm down.
I can't.
She's too strong.
Careful, though.
You don't wanna break it.
She's not gonna...
just...
Pam, I got it.
All right.
Go, go.
Arms out.
Nurse?
How you doing?
I don't know.
I just...I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Really?
It doesn't feel right.
Well, you...you're pushing the milk out, right?
How would one do that?
Wasn't it...
it's kinda like a...
Like...Like that.
Do you wanna try it, jim?
Mm-mm.
I think you're good.
You're doing a good job.
Somebody buzzed.
Oh, really?
Must have sat on it, pam.
I can't tell if she's getting anything.
It just doesn't really feel right.
Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while.
I can take her to the nursery And then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Even if she's not getting anything?
Yeah.
She'll be fine.
I-I can always give her a bottle once we're in the nursery.
No.
I-I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Oh, good.
You know everything.
I mean, she's just...she's really tentative about latching.
And I just...I wanna keep her self-esteem up.
I'll bring her back in a little while, And we can try again, okay?
All right.
Okay.
It's gonna be all right.
Maybe itl be good, 'cause then she can, like, socialize with the other babies.
No.
Yeah, that would...
that would be good.
You wanted to see me?
What would you say if I told you That I was about to change your life.
Oh, boy.
What's that sound?
I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Yes.
I don't know what to say.
Oh, say nothing.
You will learn to love me.
Okay!
Hold on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You gotta let the cookies cool Before you pop 'em in your mouth.
Why don't you guys get to know each other?
Maybe have lunch together.
Erin, would you have lunch with me?
Okay.
Good!
Yes!
Michael, can I talk to you privately?
Sure.
Kevin, please leave.
Bye.
Good-bye.
I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into kevin, But I'm not...I like andy.
Okay.
This is going to kill kevin.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
I'm not so sure.
Kevin has an enormous heart.
Literally, he has an elephant heart.
He had a transplant, When he was 17, had some problems, Blah, blah, blah.
Really?
No.
Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart.
But he is very sensitive, and it won't kill erin To just go and have lunch with him in the break room Like I promised him.
I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
I don't want anyone to die.
Well, just don't let him sit on you.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
You'll have fun.
It'll be good.
It'll be good.
There he is.
Go to him.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, she touched my shoulder.
Hey, guys, we're short on rooms, So this is dale and kathy.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
Hi.
So sorry.
Oh...Careful.
She just shoves the nipple right in there.
I know.
Did you see that?
I'm pretty sure she's...
Did you grow up around here?
No.
So...
You must have grown up around somewhere else?
Yes.
Why was I hiding behind the plant?
Well, in college, I took a botany class, And there was lots of drama in that class.
Uh, kids would gossip about me, So I would eavesdrop on them By hiding behind different plants In the botany class.
And then they would say things like, "oh, this guy's gonna fail this class," Or, "what's this guy doing Spying on us from behind plants?"
And then I would jump out at them and confront them And be like, "oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants And spy on people?"
busted.
Oh...the reason?
The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation Was that I thought that erin and kevin Were kind of hitting it off, and...
I was jealous.
Uh, hi.
Pam halpert.
Yes.
Hi.
I'm clarke.
Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Um...
Yep.
Yeah, that would be great.
Yeah, that would be really great.
Okay.
When's she available?
Actually, I'm the consultant. "
Got milk?"
All right...
Let's see what we're workin' with.
So, uh, the biggest thing...
Mm-hmm.
Besides not being able to get her to latch...
Here, I'll get that for you.
Oh, thank you.
Is that, um, I can't tell if I'm really producing.
I-I don't know if she's getting anything.
Let me feel here.
Okay.
Yeah, it's quite full.
Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand?
Okay.
When you're feeding, You want to press in like this, make your hand in a "c".
Does that hurt?
No, I mean, It feels...Pressure.
Sure it doesn't hurt?
No.
It just feels like pressure.
See how I'm flicking the nipple?
Mm-hmm.
Like that.
Yep.
You can stimulate it.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
All right, so you just wanna do that, and that will, uh...
Perfect.
The baby should grab onto that.
I think she will.
Okay.
So I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though.
We'll figure it out...
Probably.
Why don't you bring your baby over here?
Okay.
She's beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Yes.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Well, you're doing a good job.
Just stay relaxed, and...
I'll come back in a bit to check on you, okay?
Okay.
Please do.
Oh, shoot.
What?
Shoot.
She fell off.
Oh.
Uh, try...try the torpedo thing.
Will you just...will you grab clarke real quick?
No need.
I saw him do it.
I can try it.
Jim, please, please, please.
I think it would be weird if you did it.
That makes sense.
I'll just...
Go get the other guy.
Hey, what's up, kid?
Have you had a chance to look over the revisions On the contract I prepared for you?
Nothing left to do except dot the "I"s, The "j"s, and the umlauts.
Why don't you meet me here At exactly mid-late afternoon?
I look forward to it.
Very well.
Good-bye.
Jim.
Hmm.
Jim, get her.
Hmm?
Get the baby.
Get her, come on.
Okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
I know, I know.
Thank you.
Okay.
Come here.
Oh, boy.
All right.
I got her.
Okay.
Jim.
Hmm?
She latched.
She latched.
That's amazing.
Oh, my god.
I didn't even have to do the "c" thing.
That's awesome.
Oh, we're doing it.
That's great.
We're really parents now.
Mm...
Kevin, erin would like a few words with you.
Hey.
Hi.
I have really enjoyed our time together.
Yeah.
Me too.
I wanna continue working on our friendship...
It's been really, really fun.
Because I think a friendship Could be a really cool thing.
Yeah, me too.
And you're my friend.
I hope that I'm your friend.
Yeah.
Oh, my god, this is agoning.
Look, kevin, Do you really think that you could have dated erin?
You said she liked me.
Okay, even if someone told you that, You should know that that could never be possible, kevin.
And I'm surprised That you didn't question me in the first place.
I've done better than erin.
No, you haven't.
Lynn was way hotter than erin, michael.
Lynn was as hot as erin.
Yeah, michael, but you dated holly and jan, And they were so much hotter than you.
This isn't about me, and that is debatable.
And I have a personality, whereas you...
Yes, andy?
Kev?
Nice going.
Knock, knock.
Oh, hey, isabel.
Pam, she's gorgeous.
Oh, my...can I hold her?
Yes, yes.
She was a little fussy earlier, But she's totally quieted down.
Here, let me just, uh...
let me burp her.
I don't want her to spit up on you.
Look at you.
Come here, sweetie.
Oh, my god!
What?
Wrong baby.
What?
Wrong baby!
This is not our baby!
Oh, my god!