Programa de TV: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - 1x8
Previously on Studio 60� I said, �The Bible says it�s a sin.� I also said, �Judge not, lest ye be judged,� and that it was something for smarter people than me to decide.
Call me a fag!
Call me a faggot!
Say what you want, but stand the hell back!
You have the right to speak to an attorney� Tom got arrested.
We came out of dinner last night, some guys got in Harriet�s face over that gay marriage thing in the Post.
Tom tried to break it up; he pushed one of them and the guy�s pressing charges.
Does Tom Jeter have a girlfriend?
She want�s to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60.
Tom Jeter.
She�s going to be our way into Macau.
We�re this close.
I just threw this 99 yards down the field.
Take it the last yard.
Is Zhang going to base his decision on $100 million?
Who knows what the hell guides his decisions?
It might by a 19-year-old viola player.
The Post ran an excerpt from my ex-husband�s book this morning.
Saying what?
I don�t like children, I don�t want to have children, I would never hire a woman with children.
We�re all going to get on the NBS jet and go to Pahrump, Nevada.
You�ve got a hell of a problem because I don�t like your television program.
It�s condescending and smartass.
Did you tell him why you were speeding?
No.
Tell him why you were speeding!
No!
Why not?
Because!
NEVADA DAY PART II Well, it all started like this: Harriet was born and became a homophobe.
Thank you.
So Tom had to fend off some gay street toughs, one of whom is pressing charges.
From there, they found an outstanding warrant for failing to appear for a speeding ticket in a place called Pahrump, Nevada.
Tom had borrowed Simon�s jacket and the rest you know.
I have every hope that they�ll get back for dress, but if they�re not� Alex?
I�m sorry, man.
Pahrump?
I know, it�s a funny name.
Let�s get past it.
Done.
So, I�m going to rewrite Tom�s sketches for Jeanie, what are you laughing at?
Still Pahrump.
Is Tom in jail in a Marx Brothers movie?
That�s good, that�s funny.
Keep that sense of humor, Jeanie; you�re going to need it waiting tables at the Hooters in Santa Monica.
Yes, sir.
Alex, start looking at Tom�s part in the Visa customer service sketch.
I can help you with that.
And also look at Red Carpet at the Nobel Prize.
My first thought was that Harry would do the news alone, but I don�t think that�s a good idea.
It�s not.
It needs the ping-pong, so Dylan, guess what?
What?
You�re going to do the news with Harry if Simon doesn�t make it back.
No.
Yeah.
We can start working out in a little bit.
It�ll be good, DK.
No, that�s Simon�s chair.
I know, but I can�t believe I�m getting a chance to say this, the show must go on.
Sam, Jeanie, just let me hear the Lifetime Television Network Movie Achievement Awards.
�The nominees for Best Writing on a Dramatic Movie Miniseries are: �Debbie, Leave Him: The Debbie Lieberman Story��� Okay.
��Maggie, He�s Hurting You: The Margaret McCastleman Story��� Go.
Matt� Go, I gotta write.
��Stephanie, Run While He Sleeps: The Stephanie Davis Story��� Get out.
You honestly think I�m a homophobe?
Harriet, I really can�t � You honestly think � Yes, yes, I do, and you know why?
�Cause you are.
Now go to work.
I said the Bible says it � Yeah, yeah.
Don�t �yeah, yeah� me!
And it seems to me every Democrat on a ballot answers the same question by talking about civil unions and leaving it up to the states and not wanting to � I don�t need any reminding that my party is full to brimming of panderers and mediocrity.
What�s wrong with civil unions?
And why shouldn�t we � �Cause there�s no way to the end of that sentence without saying that homosexual love is something less than heterosexual love, and watching you trip all over it makes me want to hit you over the head with Liberace!
Go work with Dylan!
�Ow!
Synch : Nuwanda Transcript : jackoweskla Ow!
Did you just punch the wall?
Yeah.
Did the wall have it coming?
The wall was a victim of displaced anger.
If you examine the wall, you�ll see it�s a veritable hieroglyphic of meetings in Matt�s office.
Your hand�s bleeding.
I�m fine.
Matt�s free, you can go in and see him.
No, I came to talk to you.
You know what I love about Brazil?
The country?
Yeah, the country.
No.
In Brazil, you�re not allowed to be a journalist without two things: a college degree in journalism and a license.
This has in no way hampered freedom of speech or the press, just as the requirement of a law degree and a license from the state bar has in no way hampered an American�s ability to become a lawyer.
Listen to me.
I said the Bible says it�s a sin, but it also says, �Judge not, lest ye be judged.� So it�s up to smarter people than me to decide.
That�s what I said.
It�s been two days now and I still haven�t had anyone successfully explain to me the crime I committed.
No one�s saying you committed a crime.
According to my publicist, quite a few people are saying it.
That�s why I�m talking to you right now.
Oh, Jordan.
Here�s what I need you to do to fix it.
By going on the cover of Newsweek and saying I�m gay?
Would you be willing to do that?
I�m kidding!
Sometimes it�s hard to tell.
I�m dry.
I know.
No, I want you to do nothing.
For six weeks.
This one doesn�t live unless we give it air.
When it comes to doing press, I�m happiest doing nothing.
No, I wasn�t talking about press, I�m talking about...
the concerts.
Women United Through Faith, what about them?
You have six concert appearances scheduled with them around the country on six consecutive Mondays.
Yeah.
You shouldn�t be appearing with groups that oppose gay marriage.
Are you censoring me?
Don�t put it like that.
Give me another way to put it.
Harry, I � I grew up with Women United.
I was a teenager when my mom died, and she asked them to look out for me, and they did Harry � I don�t agree with everything they believe in, but I don�t agree with everything you believe in, either.
Doesn�t stop me from working for you.
I understand � I do Crazy Christians, I do Science Schmience, Cheeses of Nazereth � Cheeses of Nazereth?
It�s Mathew�s latest.
Cheddar, Port-Salut, Gouda, all from the Holy Land.
Cheeses of Nazareth.
That�s a little funny.
Yes, it is.
They all are.
I�m saying they are, so why can�t I go out�.
Young girls attend these events.
They admire me.
I�m in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter�s.
Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter�s and I couldn�t admire you more for the time and energy you devote to groups like this but aside from the negative attention it will bring to the show at exactly the wrong time I�m concerned about damage to your career that you wouldn�t be able to recover from.
Oh, please.
Series television, features, record labels� you have more doors open to you than anybody and they�ll all close if what you�re most famous for is being a gay-basher.
I�m not!
I know, so please, sit down for six weeks.
My career will be fine.
I�m sure you�re right, but just for a second opinion, let�s go ask Anita Bryant.
She was a gay-basher and she had to be something because she sure wasn�t talented.
I�m not Anita Bryant.
Like I don�t know that.
Harry, really� friend to friend, okay?
You trust the media and the American public to make the distinction?
You�re just thinking of me?
No, I�m thinking of you but I�m not allowed to just think of you.
And I think you know by now that I wouldn�t ask something like this if I didn�t think it was extremely serious.
You know the network doesn�t actually have a say in this, right?
It�s producers� discretion.
Yeah.
Matt�s in his office?
Yes.
When I leave, don�t hit the wall with your knuckles, okay?
Hello?
Danny.
Danny who?
Danny Tripp!
I know; I was being dry.
Why don�t people get that?
Well, for one thing� Then I was being rhetorical!
What�s going on over there?
We�re going to be fine.
The judge just left the room to take a call from a guy in the governor�s office.
The judge�s name is Bobby Bebe.
I�m in the middle of an episode of �Walker: Texas Ranger.� Jack�s raised a lot of money for the governor.
That�s why we�re going to be out of here in a minute.
Good.
Listen � What?
Jack and I had a conversation on the plane.
About what?
It�s not important, but I want to know what you and Shelly are doing about this latest round of press.
With Harriet?
With you.
You don�t like kids, you don�t want kids, you don�t want to hire women who have kids� what are you doing about it?
Well...
I�ve been reading this cool book called Oliver Twist, and it sounds like the best thing for me to do is to get a bunch of them together in a root cellar and get them to work for me as pickpockets.
You�re being dry?
Yes.
Okay.
Well, you�re also being an idiot.
That�s not out of the question.
Suit yourself.
I usually do.
Excuse me?
Yes, ma�am.
Would you mind taking a picture of Tom and me?
You know I�m Simon Styles right?
I�m on the show, too.
Yes.
Take the picture.
Hey, Kim is that the new Nikon S10?
I just got it.
Can I see it?
Sure.
Oh, no.
Oh, so sorry, I dropped your camera on the ground, I owe you a new camera.
I feel terrible.
What the hell�s the matter with you?
For starters, I�m in Pahrump, Nevada, and I have a show in six hours!
When the man comes back you�re going to tell him why you were speeding.
I received some instructions from the Statehouse.
Ah, I�m sorry to throw the weight of the governor�s office around but obviously this is an urgent matter so if you could just set bail?
Yeah, the instructions were to be very sure not to show Mr.
Jeter any special treatment.
Apparently, Mr.
Rudolph, you�re a big contributor in fundraisers for the governor and he�s a little sensitive about that.
Really?
Yes, sir.
Well, I guess that now I�m a little sensitive about that, myself.
Who�s hungry?
Best diner in the state�s right across the road!
You don�t want to miss this.
We have a real time problem here � Tony, you hungry?
Yes, Judge!
All right, well, we can�t let you stay here all alone in the sheriff�s office so you�ll just have to come along.
Judge � Grab the prisoner.
We�ll buy him a slice of pie.
Thank you, Mindy.
How�d�you get your hair to do that, Sammy?
What?
How do you get your hair to do that?
My name is Simon, your Honor.
I keep forgetting that.
Yes, you do, sir.
Well, are those cornrows?
No.
Deadbolts?
Dreadlocks.
Dreadlocks?
No, sir, they�re called twists.
Twists?
Is this for real?
Your Honor this is outrageous, and I should tell you, absent a court reporter, I�m tape recording this entire proceeding.
Good for you, Matlock.
Mr.
Jeter you were cited for speeding August 16th.
Deputy, why does that date sound familiar?
That was the protest at Nellis, Judge.
You were called over to Clark County to help Judge Martin.
War protest over at Nellis.
100 arrests.
Feature this: a protester was injured during the demonstration.
He got trampled.
He broke his leg and two ribs.
He is now suing the US Air Force because the injuries were sustained on government property.
What�d�you think about that?
Sir?
The guy, suing the base?
Your Honor, what does this have to do with Mr.
Jeter � August 16th, were you at that protest?
No, sir.
No?
No, sir, I was in Reno.
What was your hurry?
Tom � No hurry, sir, I just took my eye off the speedometer.
You don�t need a damn speedometer to tell you�re going 120.
Judge, is the man going to be arraigned at some point?
Yes, he is.
Can you tell me when?
No, sir, I cannot.
And why not, sir?
Because if you look around the room, you will notice that we�re missing someone, a representative of the people of Nye County.
He needs a prosecutor.
Thank you, Matlock.
Assistant District Attorney Finney has been called from his paintball competition and is on his way.
I cannot formally hear and rule on Mr.
Jeter unless both sides are present.
What I can do is make PCD, that�s probable cause determination, and throw Mr.
Jeter into jail until the next business day.
Your Honor, in this situation are you allowed to do pretty much anything you want?
Why do you think I�m smiling?
So do you use some kind of conditioner on that hair?
So, you hear anything?
I�m waiting for a call.
Me, too.
Does Simon know that use is a felony in Nevada?
He doesn�t care.
Matt?
Yeah?
Daniel.
Pick up.
On three.
Hey.
It�s Cal, too.
What�s going on?
They�re bringing an ADA in from a paintball competition.
A paintball competition?
Yeah.
The judge can�t do anything without a prosecutor.
You�re going to come back here, right?
People are asking me questions as if I know what I�m doing.
I know the feeling.
Danny!
I�m getting rehearsal feed off the internet, I�m in touch with all the department heads.
We�re fine.
No, we�re not.
No, we�re not, but...
we will be.
You ever do that?
What?
Paintball.
No.
Me neither.
Want to talk about it some more?
No.
Can I ask you something?
Yes Sometimes I hear people calling other people �sir�; there doesn�t seem to be a pattern to when and who.
I don�t want to be impolite, but I don�t want to look like an idiot, either, so � What?
Who gets called sir?
I�m working on a sketch right now.
I�m working on a sketch right now.
There aren�t no rules to it.
It�ll come naturally, like calling a conductor �Maestro� when he�s in the vicinity of the podium.
You know, we get to Friday night, the more you hear Matt and Danny called �sir�.
Okay.
Is this a white people thing, or � I�m not white, Darius, I�m English.
Put that line in the damn sketch.
�In an effort to uncover pirated DVDs, the Motion Picture Association of America began the use of trained dogs at London�s Heathrow airport.
The dogs uncovered more than $60,000 worth of stolen movies, but seemed completely uninterested in �Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde.� The US Immigration Department is teaming up with the Department of Homeland Security to use the citizenship test to route out terrorist cells.
As a result, question number 90 on the test, Where is the White House located?� will now be changed to, �Why the hell are you looking for the White House?� Dylan!� �Uh, Russia�s Interfax news agency is�� Use your camera.
�Uh, Russia�s Interfax news agency is reporting that researchers at the planet�s -- � Sorry.
�The country�s plan -- � Let me take that again.
Look at me.
Okay, go.
�Russia�s Interfax news agency is reporting that researchers at the country�s plant institute in St.
Petersburg have invented a strain of cannabis, one that is free of mind-altering properties.
Here at �News 60� our question is, why?
That may not work?
Is Simon getting back?
We don�t know yet.
Can I have you one second?
Yeah.
�Former NBA star and�� Jordan spoke to me about the concerts; it�s producers� discretion.
Are you going to be punitive?
What does that mean?
You don�t like the people I�m singing for, therefore you cancel � Yeah, that sounds like me.
This group means a lot to me.
They�re family.
I�m not saying that you can�t do it.
Thank you.
I think it�s dumb to do it.
You know, what?
When George Michael does some guy in a bathroom or Woody Allen marries his daughter or a child molester gets an Oscar nomination it doesn�t really give Hollywood a lot of moral authority on sexual behavior!
Hollywood, who else are you talking to?
You say Hollywood like a) you�re not a part of it, and b) we all get together once a month to decide what we think!
I�ve worked in Hollywood for 10 years; I�ve never been in a room with three people who agree with each other.
All right, well, keep talking, I have to call back my agent because I know this is going to be good news.
By the way, you know what never happens?
An Evangelical preacher getting caught with his secretary or a hooker.
We never see that!
Absolutely nobody is listening to you!
So I've learned after 35 years.
�Here at �News 60� our question is, why?� It works if Simon�s saying it.
What works?
The punchline.
�Here at �News 60� our question is, why?� It works when Simon�s doing it.
Or Alex.
Dylan?
Give this to Alex.
Why are you the only guy in town who�s looking for less camera time?
I really don�t know how to play it, I mean, do you want me to act sincere?
I don�t want you to act at all!
Pick up your cues, aim for the end of the line, I mean, this is� don�t do a character.
This is Dylan Killington, doing the news.
Because on the rundown so far, Alex can make the wardrobe change.
Wardrobe needs to fit him for a suit.
They did.
Sorry, Dylan, let�s get back to it.
What did she want?
I�m going to get whacked by The Advocate for being intolerant.
Well, if that�s the worst that happens - It�s not.
I�ve been asked not to appear at the Women United Through Faith concerts.
Why?
For not being intolerant enough.
Wow talk about - Shut up.
You live off Mulholland.
There are other streets in the country where marriage is important.
It�s important off of Mulholland, too.
But let me ask you something, how is my marriage, your marriage, or anyone�s marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down also getting married?
And if it is, how does that become their problem?
Relax, let�s go from the top.
Jack, you know the thing�s not true, right?
With Jordan?
Yeah, this kid thing.
She said it because - Since when are you defending her?
I thought you didn�t like her.
Me?
Yeah.
No, I mean, Yeah I don�t like network presidents vocationally.
It�s not personal.
She�s only been doing it six weeks.
Her only big move has been Studio 60, and Studio 60�s working.
It is?
Where are we right now?
This isn�t her fault.
It�s not mine, either, but that�s not what Wilson White�s gonna say.
Sorry it took me a bit to get here, Judge.
It�s all right, here�s your file.
Damn.
Sorry, Judge, left the safety off.
Yes, sir, you almost hit the Chairman of NBS.
Shepherd, Matlock, you�re up.
Let�s go back across the street to administer some justice.
All right, Judgemental Credit Card Rep is up, Alex!
It�s just for camera marks, go to one!
Ring.
Ring.
�Hello?� �Mr.
McAllister?� �Speaking.� �This is Jenny from Visa Customer Service.
We�re calling to enquire about some unusual activity with your Visa card.
Can you tell me where you last use your card?� �Uh, sure, I think it was at the Ralph Lauren store on Rodeo.� �Mm hmm, and can you tell me what you purchased?� �A pair of socks.� �Mm hmm, and can you tell me what you pay?� �I think about sixty dollars.� �That�s a lot of money for sock, don�t you think?� �Excuse me?� �Say sixty dollar is a lot of money for sock.� �Well, what do you care?� �No reason to be rude, sir.
Were the socks a gift or were they for yourself?� �Look, is there a problem with my card?� �Paying sixty dollar for sock on Rodeo Drive when there�s 3 pair for $9.99 at Wal-Mart?
I don�t think the problem is with your card, sir.� All right.
Thank you, we move to Item 10, News 60!
Harriet, Dylan!
Matt?
Yeah?
You hear anything from them?
I�m sure they�ll be back in time, but let�s cover ourselves.
�Cause watching Alex just now, it really seems to me that � What is your problem?
Your rehearsal before was fine, you�re going to be fine.
Just be yourself.
I can�t just be myself.
Why?
Because I�m not Robert Redford.
I�ll be honest with you, Dylan, I really don�t, you know, I don�t pay attention to other men�s bodies.
Yeah, he�s not homophobic.
I�m homophobic in the way that makes sense.
Matt � I don�t want you doing anything that you�re uncomfortable with.
If you feel better with characters, voices, and wigs, that�s fine.
Alex?
Thank you.
Yes, sir?
Pretend you�re talking to me for a second.
Okay.
When I say �now,� you�re going to look over at the News 60 desk with a look mixed with nervous concern and eager anticipation.
Okay.
Now.
How was that?
I could use another take for safety, but we�ll live with it.
Jeanie!
Hey, Dylan!
Hey, Jeanie, I � Don�t flirt with me, rook, and you should be getting ready for the news.
No, I�m not doing the news.
Alex is going to do it if Simon doesn�t make it back.
Why?
Matt�s call.
Huh, I wonder why.
I saw your rehearsal before, and I thought it was good.
You showed a new side of you, and I was looking forward to seeing you in a dark blue suit.
Yeah?
Don�t flirt with me, rook.
Yes, ma'am.
How come I never get to be the sexy shill?
She is money in the bank.
Yes, I know.
Matt?
Dylan.
What can I do for you?
That�s a little personal, sir.
Yes.
Sorry, you withdraw the question, or you don�t care?
I don't care.
I had said to my ex-husband that I didn�t want to have children because I didn�t want to have children with him.
Ah.
Yes.
Well, you know what Mark Twain said � �They�re after us, Jim, now lay into that pole!� �A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting its shoes on.� Much more germane to the situation.
Within the scope of TMG, NBS is a drop in the bucket.
Content may be king, but distribution pays the king�s mortgage.
With the entertainment�s 8% profit margin, I sometimes wonder why I bother.
Sir � But I don�t wonder for long, because NBS will always be the public face of TMG.
Our broadband service has never landed us on the cover of Time, and no TMG board member has ever had to account for our theme parks at a Princeton parent�s day weekend!
But they have to account for me?
Yeah.
It�s much ado about nothing, Wilson.
It�s a combination of a bottom-feeding ex-husband, code-holding media outlets, some of which, sir, are owned by TMG, and religious groups that are angry over the fact that I � I don�t care.
Make it stop.
Danny Tripp.
You screw up this TMG deal with China and I�m going to hire real Germans to kill you.
I don�t have anything to do with the deal in China.
Neither do I, so deal with it.
What�s going on over there?
There�s now an Assistant DA here in Thunderdome.
He�s looking into the file and they�ll all get into it in a minute.
Let me know when your cast is out of jail.
Well, we�ve got a reckless driving, willful wanton disregard for public safety, causing death, bodily injury, and harm � It�s a speeding ticket.
The assault and battery charge � He just stepped in between two � Purview of LA County.
And the FTA, failure to appear, which ups the whole thing to a Category B felony � Category A includes murder, so you don�t want to get up too high on that alphabet.
And the marijuana in the jacket.
Which is mine.
Well, possession�s just a misdemeanor, but the joint was half-smoked, suggesting use, which is a felony.
Thank God it is.
Jack.
If we don�t get these dangerous pot-smokers off the streets, then we�ll run out of Pop Tarts at the grocery stores.
Are you mouthing off to this court, Mr.
Rudolph?
Yes, I am, Judge.
That�s what happens when I�ve been screwed with a couple hours straight by someone other than my wife!
Jack � Judge � You�ve been playing around with us like we�re a damn cat toy because you think it�s funny.
Judge � How exactly is that different from what these guys do every Friday night?
These guys aren�t the law, Judge.
They don�t wear a fricken� robe.
Jack, really, he needs a lawyer.
I am a lawyer!
And Buffalo Bob and his sister Sue over here are going to keep Tom in jail over the weekend because they don�t like Studio 60.
Deputy handcuff Mr.
Rudolph, charge him in contempt, and read him Miranda.
You can tell the governor he can find a new ATM machine!
Deputy, hang on!
That prisoner guy�s got on some kind of an arm bracelet, looks like a military thing I don�t know what it means, but�.
Mr.
Jeter, come here.
Let me see your wrist.
Isn�t that an illegal search?
He�s already under arrest, Matlock.
I can search whatever I want; I just want to see his wrist.
What�d you pay this guy?
He�s a copyright lawyer.
Now they tell me.
Let me see your wrist.
You weren�t protesting in Nellis.
You were driving to Nellis.
Finally.
You were driving to Nellis, right?
Yes, sir.
Mark Jeter, he�s your brother?
Yes, sir.
Older or younger?
He�s my little brother.
What�s going on?
Mr.
Jeter�s younger brother is a staff sergeant with the 820th Red Horse squadron deployed out of Nellis Air Force Base.
You know what Red Horse does?
They go into war zones and they build things incredibly fast, a hospital in three days, roads, bridges � Is it dangerous?
You want to go to a Taliban-controlled region of Afghanistan right now with an American flag on your shoulder and build a school.
Why didn�t you say anything?
This isn�t his first tour, is it?
It�s his third.
You see, Staff Sgt.
Jeter�s just playing Russian roulette at this point, 'cause you should see what happens to the casualty numbers with multiple tours.
He didn�t want his little brother�s last act on this earth to be getting him out of a speeding ticket.
I�m right, right?
Yes, sir.
What do you know, I�m Agatha Christie.
Booney?
On my own motion, I move to dismiss all the charges in my own jurisdiction against Mr.
Jeter.
I do so in the interest of� well, really, just because I feel like it.
Thank you, sir.
Mr.
Styles and Mr.
Rudolph, they�re both friends of yours?
Yes, sir.
You sure?
Yes, sir.
You absolutely sure?
Yes, sir.
Deputy, can I see that evidence bag?
No, sir, we�ve lost the evidence bag.
Well, what�d�you know about that.
Well, Sammy, citing lack of corpus, that�s evidence to you, I do not accept the charges of possession or use, and Mr.
Rudolph, we�ll just chalk you up to being an Ivy League tight-ass who needs a vacation.
That should go for me too, sir.
Don�t press your luck, funny man.
And stop thinking everybody between 5th Avenue and the Hollywood Bowl just stepped barefoot out of the cast of �Hee-Haw.� Tell your friends about it.
You�re all excused.
Are we flying as fast as we can?
Captain said we were.
Doesn�t seem like we�re flying as fast as we can.
It�s hard to gauge air speed.
But we�re not trying to conserve energy or anything.
No.
Because this is no time to get serious about global warming.
The pilot�s flying as fast as the plane will go, and that�s pretty fast.
This may sound pretty crazy, but we�re not being slowed down by the fact that you�re making chicken Caesar salad for everyone, right?
No.
Okay.
What do you want?
You know the good thing about Jordan?
Anything something goes wrong, you can blame her.
That�s the best you can do?
It�s true, I talked to her on the phone and Wilson White�s ready to blame her if the China deal falls through.
I can assure you that Wilson will assign a healthy portion of the blame to me.
Jack � Not everyone can be as indifferent toward making money as you are.
Yeah, but you�re somebody who can afford to be.
You�re already rich, Jack, why not be a broadcaster, now?
Oh, get away from me!
I�m saying � You sit over there in your theatre � I sit over there in my theatre?
You have no idea what I do.
If you had my job for a day, you�d sit in the middle of the room and cry.
Maybe, but if you had my job for a day you�d lose a couple hundred million dollars of other people�s money and not care though I�m sure NBS would be the highest rated network within a mile radius of Zabar�s and the Chateau Marmont.
You know, you call me an elitist but I�m not the one who thinks shows need to be dumber to work central and mountain time.
She�s got a paper.
What?
The kid.
She�s got one of the tabloids.
Move, move!
Hey, folks.
Reading the papers?
Yes.
Mind if I check something out?
When you borrowed my camera, you broke it.
Can�t really break a newspaper.
When I�m done.
I�m looking for the celebrity gossip.
Yeah.
You know what�s fun?
The jumbles.
They�re pretty easy.
Well, they�re not like the challenge of celebrity gossip, but it passes the time.
Would you tell your father we appreciate him flying in more than one direction?
You know, it is my company�s plane.
He knows.
Any chance you�ll tell him again anyway?
No, he knows.
Great.
Talk to her for the rest of the flight; I don�t want her dad to see anything about Jordan in the gossip column.
What is there about Jordan in the gossip columns � Just...
do it.
We�re flying as fast as we can go?
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
I�m good �Russian Interfax news agency has reported that researchers�� Hey they�re back.
Great.
Thanks.
You got it.
You look good in that suit.
I mean, I don�t really check out� Yeah.
You should get in costume for dress.
Sure.
��Annie Got Her Gun: The Annie McNichols Story.�� Laugh all you want, Sam, but you�re their target demo.
We�re going to start the dress late, right?
15 minutes late, a couple hours depending on traffic.
Okay.
It�s possible we�ll be doing the dress at 8:30 and then broadcasting it nationally.
You think if we start the dress late that word�s gonna get out?
Yes.
You think there�ll be press inquiries?
Yes.
We need a believable excuse.
We�re the Keystone Cops we feel lucky when people can find the building in the morning, much less dress rehearsal on time.
Well, I�d buy that.
Yeah.
Hello.
I was wondering if you�d look at a sketch.
You�re pitching me Friday at 5:15?
It�s not for tonight it�s just...
I was hoping for some feedback.
Show it to Ricky and Ron.
I�m finding it difficult to get their attention.
Hey - I SAID, I�M HAVING DIFFICULTY GETTING THEIR ATTENTION.
And you�re here for� The learning experience.
Yeah, so, it�s a parody of the board game Operation, you know the game there�s a body, and the players remove the parts with tweezers without � I know the game.
Operation on Single Girl.
A cardboard cutout of a girl with plastic parts to be removed with a surgeon�s precision.
A group of single men sit around the game and laugh while taking turns with the tweezers.
�Let�s take out her self-esteem, her dreams.� �Hey, what�s this?� �You got her soul.� �My turn, my turn, I want to get the vulnerable part.� It�s good so far.
Can I ask, by any chance did you just have a bad break-up with a boyfriend?
It�s okay, it�s all right, let out.
Ow...okay, ow ow ow, okay.
All right Everybody out, let�s go.
Get up.
Get downstairs, go!
All right, sir, we�ve got another car waiting for you right over here � Dad!
Right over here.
When we talked about Jordan That was me talking, too.
Okay?
Yeah.
He says, �Just a moment, please.� She�s got the gossip news on her BlackBerry.
Drunken driving?
Sex clubs and pornography?
She objects to women having children?
Of course she doesn�t object to women having children � This woman has brought shame to your company.
I�m sorry for my father, he�s very much set in old, and maybe clich�d ways of honor.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Why don�t you tell your father to take his business to TimeWarner.
You don�t really want me to tell him � Tell him.
My company doesn�t have honor.
One of my guys spent the day in two different police stations because he came to the defense of a woman who was being verbally and physically abused.
He could have been out of it easy if he played the �support our troops� card but he wasn�t about to minimize the sacrifice of his brother and his brother�s buddies.
Simon Styles has prior convictions but the Budweiser Clydesdales could not stop him from trying to make it clear to the judge that this much marijuana was his.
This guy� I don�t know what he was doing except trying to convince me that Jordan McDeere�s been all over the gossip pages because when she was 25 she married a...
fraction of a man, and this man has been telling tales both true and false in the hopes of selling a book and working the talk shows.
Sir, out of Jordan McDeere�s faults, and there are many lack of honor is not among them.
She�s killing me with her honor.
So I�m sorry, Mr.
Zhang you have insulted me and you have insulted my company, and I think you should take your business to TimeWarner.
Ah, this is my fault, I translated wrong.
He said that it�s the ex-husband who brought dishonor upon himself by speaking.
It�s a subtle grammatical nuance.
Important one, though, wouldn�t you say?
All right, well, I�m going to go inside but Jack I could kiss you all over the face right now.
Nice meeting you.
Call me a fag!
Call me a faggot!
Say what you want, but stand the hell back!
You have the right to speak to an attorney� Tom got arrested.
We came out of dinner last night, some guys got in Harriet�s face over that gay marriage thing in the Post.
Tom tried to break it up; he pushed one of them and the guy�s pressing charges.
Does Tom Jeter have a girlfriend?
She want�s to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60.
Tom Jeter.
She�s going to be our way into Macau.
We�re this close.
I just threw this 99 yards down the field.
Take it the last yard.
Is Zhang going to base his decision on $100 million?
Who knows what the hell guides his decisions?
It might by a 19-year-old viola player.
The Post ran an excerpt from my ex-husband�s book this morning.
Saying what?
I don�t like children, I don�t want to have children, I would never hire a woman with children.
We�re all going to get on the NBS jet and go to Pahrump, Nevada.
You�ve got a hell of a problem because I don�t like your television program.
It�s condescending and smartass.
Did you tell him why you were speeding?
No.
Tell him why you were speeding!
No!
Why not?
Because!
NEVADA DAY PART II Well, it all started like this: Harriet was born and became a homophobe.
Thank you.
So Tom had to fend off some gay street toughs, one of whom is pressing charges.
From there, they found an outstanding warrant for failing to appear for a speeding ticket in a place called Pahrump, Nevada.
Tom had borrowed Simon�s jacket and the rest you know.
I have every hope that they�ll get back for dress, but if they�re not� Alex?
I�m sorry, man.
Pahrump?
I know, it�s a funny name.
Let�s get past it.
Done.
So, I�m going to rewrite Tom�s sketches for Jeanie, what are you laughing at?
Still Pahrump.
Is Tom in jail in a Marx Brothers movie?
That�s good, that�s funny.
Keep that sense of humor, Jeanie; you�re going to need it waiting tables at the Hooters in Santa Monica.
Yes, sir.
Alex, start looking at Tom�s part in the Visa customer service sketch.
I can help you with that.
And also look at Red Carpet at the Nobel Prize.
My first thought was that Harry would do the news alone, but I don�t think that�s a good idea.
It�s not.
It needs the ping-pong, so Dylan, guess what?
What?
You�re going to do the news with Harry if Simon doesn�t make it back.
No.
Yeah.
We can start working out in a little bit.
It�ll be good, DK.
No, that�s Simon�s chair.
I know, but I can�t believe I�m getting a chance to say this, the show must go on.
Sam, Jeanie, just let me hear the Lifetime Television Network Movie Achievement Awards.
�The nominees for Best Writing on a Dramatic Movie Miniseries are: �Debbie, Leave Him: The Debbie Lieberman Story��� Okay.
��Maggie, He�s Hurting You: The Margaret McCastleman Story��� Go.
Matt� Go, I gotta write.
��Stephanie, Run While He Sleeps: The Stephanie Davis Story��� Get out.
You honestly think I�m a homophobe?
Harriet, I really can�t � You honestly think � Yes, yes, I do, and you know why?
�Cause you are.
Now go to work.
I said the Bible says it � Yeah, yeah.
Don�t �yeah, yeah� me!
And it seems to me every Democrat on a ballot answers the same question by talking about civil unions and leaving it up to the states and not wanting to � I don�t need any reminding that my party is full to brimming of panderers and mediocrity.
What�s wrong with civil unions?
And why shouldn�t we � �Cause there�s no way to the end of that sentence without saying that homosexual love is something less than heterosexual love, and watching you trip all over it makes me want to hit you over the head with Liberace!
Go work with Dylan!
�Ow!
Synch : Nuwanda Transcript : jackoweskla Ow!
Did you just punch the wall?
Yeah.
Did the wall have it coming?
The wall was a victim of displaced anger.
If you examine the wall, you�ll see it�s a veritable hieroglyphic of meetings in Matt�s office.
Your hand�s bleeding.
I�m fine.
Matt�s free, you can go in and see him.
No, I came to talk to you.
You know what I love about Brazil?
The country?
Yeah, the country.
No.
In Brazil, you�re not allowed to be a journalist without two things: a college degree in journalism and a license.
This has in no way hampered freedom of speech or the press, just as the requirement of a law degree and a license from the state bar has in no way hampered an American�s ability to become a lawyer.
Listen to me.
I said the Bible says it�s a sin, but it also says, �Judge not, lest ye be judged.� So it�s up to smarter people than me to decide.
That�s what I said.
It�s been two days now and I still haven�t had anyone successfully explain to me the crime I committed.
No one�s saying you committed a crime.
According to my publicist, quite a few people are saying it.
That�s why I�m talking to you right now.
Oh, Jordan.
Here�s what I need you to do to fix it.
By going on the cover of Newsweek and saying I�m gay?
Would you be willing to do that?
I�m kidding!
Sometimes it�s hard to tell.
I�m dry.
I know.
No, I want you to do nothing.
For six weeks.
This one doesn�t live unless we give it air.
When it comes to doing press, I�m happiest doing nothing.
No, I wasn�t talking about press, I�m talking about...
the concerts.
Women United Through Faith, what about them?
You have six concert appearances scheduled with them around the country on six consecutive Mondays.
Yeah.
You shouldn�t be appearing with groups that oppose gay marriage.
Are you censoring me?
Don�t put it like that.
Give me another way to put it.
Harry, I � I grew up with Women United.
I was a teenager when my mom died, and she asked them to look out for me, and they did Harry � I don�t agree with everything they believe in, but I don�t agree with everything you believe in, either.
Doesn�t stop me from working for you.
I understand � I do Crazy Christians, I do Science Schmience, Cheeses of Nazereth � Cheeses of Nazereth?
It�s Mathew�s latest.
Cheddar, Port-Salut, Gouda, all from the Holy Land.
Cheeses of Nazareth.
That�s a little funny.
Yes, it is.
They all are.
I�m saying they are, so why can�t I go out�.
Young girls attend these events.
They admire me.
I�m in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter�s.
Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter�s and I couldn�t admire you more for the time and energy you devote to groups like this but aside from the negative attention it will bring to the show at exactly the wrong time I�m concerned about damage to your career that you wouldn�t be able to recover from.
Oh, please.
Series television, features, record labels� you have more doors open to you than anybody and they�ll all close if what you�re most famous for is being a gay-basher.
I�m not!
I know, so please, sit down for six weeks.
My career will be fine.
I�m sure you�re right, but just for a second opinion, let�s go ask Anita Bryant.
She was a gay-basher and she had to be something because she sure wasn�t talented.
I�m not Anita Bryant.
Like I don�t know that.
Harry, really� friend to friend, okay?
You trust the media and the American public to make the distinction?
You�re just thinking of me?
No, I�m thinking of you but I�m not allowed to just think of you.
And I think you know by now that I wouldn�t ask something like this if I didn�t think it was extremely serious.
You know the network doesn�t actually have a say in this, right?
It�s producers� discretion.
Yeah.
Matt�s in his office?
Yes.
When I leave, don�t hit the wall with your knuckles, okay?
Hello?
Danny.
Danny who?
Danny Tripp!
I know; I was being dry.
Why don�t people get that?
Well, for one thing� Then I was being rhetorical!
What�s going on over there?
We�re going to be fine.
The judge just left the room to take a call from a guy in the governor�s office.
The judge�s name is Bobby Bebe.
I�m in the middle of an episode of �Walker: Texas Ranger.� Jack�s raised a lot of money for the governor.
That�s why we�re going to be out of here in a minute.
Good.
Listen � What?
Jack and I had a conversation on the plane.
About what?
It�s not important, but I want to know what you and Shelly are doing about this latest round of press.
With Harriet?
With you.
You don�t like kids, you don�t want kids, you don�t want to hire women who have kids� what are you doing about it?
Well...
I�ve been reading this cool book called Oliver Twist, and it sounds like the best thing for me to do is to get a bunch of them together in a root cellar and get them to work for me as pickpockets.
You�re being dry?
Yes.
Okay.
Well, you�re also being an idiot.
That�s not out of the question.
Suit yourself.
I usually do.
Excuse me?
Yes, ma�am.
Would you mind taking a picture of Tom and me?
You know I�m Simon Styles right?
I�m on the show, too.
Yes.
Take the picture.
Hey, Kim is that the new Nikon S10?
I just got it.
Can I see it?
Sure.
Oh, no.
Oh, so sorry, I dropped your camera on the ground, I owe you a new camera.
I feel terrible.
What the hell�s the matter with you?
For starters, I�m in Pahrump, Nevada, and I have a show in six hours!
When the man comes back you�re going to tell him why you were speeding.
I received some instructions from the Statehouse.
Ah, I�m sorry to throw the weight of the governor�s office around but obviously this is an urgent matter so if you could just set bail?
Yeah, the instructions were to be very sure not to show Mr.
Jeter any special treatment.
Apparently, Mr.
Rudolph, you�re a big contributor in fundraisers for the governor and he�s a little sensitive about that.
Really?
Yes, sir.
Well, I guess that now I�m a little sensitive about that, myself.
Who�s hungry?
Best diner in the state�s right across the road!
You don�t want to miss this.
We have a real time problem here � Tony, you hungry?
Yes, Judge!
All right, well, we can�t let you stay here all alone in the sheriff�s office so you�ll just have to come along.
Judge � Grab the prisoner.
We�ll buy him a slice of pie.
Thank you, Mindy.
How�d�you get your hair to do that, Sammy?
What?
How do you get your hair to do that?
My name is Simon, your Honor.
I keep forgetting that.
Yes, you do, sir.
Well, are those cornrows?
No.
Deadbolts?
Dreadlocks.
Dreadlocks?
No, sir, they�re called twists.
Twists?
Is this for real?
Your Honor this is outrageous, and I should tell you, absent a court reporter, I�m tape recording this entire proceeding.
Good for you, Matlock.
Mr.
Jeter you were cited for speeding August 16th.
Deputy, why does that date sound familiar?
That was the protest at Nellis, Judge.
You were called over to Clark County to help Judge Martin.
War protest over at Nellis.
100 arrests.
Feature this: a protester was injured during the demonstration.
He got trampled.
He broke his leg and two ribs.
He is now suing the US Air Force because the injuries were sustained on government property.
What�d�you think about that?
Sir?
The guy, suing the base?
Your Honor, what does this have to do with Mr.
Jeter � August 16th, were you at that protest?
No, sir.
No?
No, sir, I was in Reno.
What was your hurry?
Tom � No hurry, sir, I just took my eye off the speedometer.
You don�t need a damn speedometer to tell you�re going 120.
Judge, is the man going to be arraigned at some point?
Yes, he is.
Can you tell me when?
No, sir, I cannot.
And why not, sir?
Because if you look around the room, you will notice that we�re missing someone, a representative of the people of Nye County.
He needs a prosecutor.
Thank you, Matlock.
Assistant District Attorney Finney has been called from his paintball competition and is on his way.
I cannot formally hear and rule on Mr.
Jeter unless both sides are present.
What I can do is make PCD, that�s probable cause determination, and throw Mr.
Jeter into jail until the next business day.
Your Honor, in this situation are you allowed to do pretty much anything you want?
Why do you think I�m smiling?
So do you use some kind of conditioner on that hair?
So, you hear anything?
I�m waiting for a call.
Me, too.
Does Simon know that use is a felony in Nevada?
He doesn�t care.
Matt?
Yeah?
Daniel.
Pick up.
On three.
Hey.
It�s Cal, too.
What�s going on?
They�re bringing an ADA in from a paintball competition.
A paintball competition?
Yeah.
The judge can�t do anything without a prosecutor.
You�re going to come back here, right?
People are asking me questions as if I know what I�m doing.
I know the feeling.
Danny!
I�m getting rehearsal feed off the internet, I�m in touch with all the department heads.
We�re fine.
No, we�re not.
No, we�re not, but...
we will be.
You ever do that?
What?
Paintball.
No.
Me neither.
Want to talk about it some more?
No.
Can I ask you something?
Yes Sometimes I hear people calling other people �sir�; there doesn�t seem to be a pattern to when and who.
I don�t want to be impolite, but I don�t want to look like an idiot, either, so � What?
Who gets called sir?
I�m working on a sketch right now.
I�m working on a sketch right now.
There aren�t no rules to it.
It�ll come naturally, like calling a conductor �Maestro� when he�s in the vicinity of the podium.
You know, we get to Friday night, the more you hear Matt and Danny called �sir�.
Okay.
Is this a white people thing, or � I�m not white, Darius, I�m English.
Put that line in the damn sketch.
�In an effort to uncover pirated DVDs, the Motion Picture Association of America began the use of trained dogs at London�s Heathrow airport.
The dogs uncovered more than $60,000 worth of stolen movies, but seemed completely uninterested in �Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde.� The US Immigration Department is teaming up with the Department of Homeland Security to use the citizenship test to route out terrorist cells.
As a result, question number 90 on the test, Where is the White House located?� will now be changed to, �Why the hell are you looking for the White House?� Dylan!� �Uh, Russia�s Interfax news agency is�� Use your camera.
�Uh, Russia�s Interfax news agency is reporting that researchers at the planet�s -- � Sorry.
�The country�s plan -- � Let me take that again.
Look at me.
Okay, go.
�Russia�s Interfax news agency is reporting that researchers at the country�s plant institute in St.
Petersburg have invented a strain of cannabis, one that is free of mind-altering properties.
Here at �News 60� our question is, why?
That may not work?
Is Simon getting back?
We don�t know yet.
Can I have you one second?
Yeah.
�Former NBA star and�� Jordan spoke to me about the concerts; it�s producers� discretion.
Are you going to be punitive?
What does that mean?
You don�t like the people I�m singing for, therefore you cancel � Yeah, that sounds like me.
This group means a lot to me.
They�re family.
I�m not saying that you can�t do it.
Thank you.
I think it�s dumb to do it.
You know, what?
When George Michael does some guy in a bathroom or Woody Allen marries his daughter or a child molester gets an Oscar nomination it doesn�t really give Hollywood a lot of moral authority on sexual behavior!
Hollywood, who else are you talking to?
You say Hollywood like a) you�re not a part of it, and b) we all get together once a month to decide what we think!
I�ve worked in Hollywood for 10 years; I�ve never been in a room with three people who agree with each other.
All right, well, keep talking, I have to call back my agent because I know this is going to be good news.
By the way, you know what never happens?
An Evangelical preacher getting caught with his secretary or a hooker.
We never see that!
Absolutely nobody is listening to you!
So I've learned after 35 years.
�Here at �News 60� our question is, why?� It works if Simon�s saying it.
What works?
The punchline.
�Here at �News 60� our question is, why?� It works when Simon�s doing it.
Or Alex.
Dylan?
Give this to Alex.
Why are you the only guy in town who�s looking for less camera time?
I really don�t know how to play it, I mean, do you want me to act sincere?
I don�t want you to act at all!
Pick up your cues, aim for the end of the line, I mean, this is� don�t do a character.
This is Dylan Killington, doing the news.
Because on the rundown so far, Alex can make the wardrobe change.
Wardrobe needs to fit him for a suit.
They did.
Sorry, Dylan, let�s get back to it.
What did she want?
I�m going to get whacked by The Advocate for being intolerant.
Well, if that�s the worst that happens - It�s not.
I�ve been asked not to appear at the Women United Through Faith concerts.
Why?
For not being intolerant enough.
Wow talk about - Shut up.
You live off Mulholland.
There are other streets in the country where marriage is important.
It�s important off of Mulholland, too.
But let me ask you something, how is my marriage, your marriage, or anyone�s marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down also getting married?
And if it is, how does that become their problem?
Relax, let�s go from the top.
Jack, you know the thing�s not true, right?
With Jordan?
Yeah, this kid thing.
She said it because - Since when are you defending her?
I thought you didn�t like her.
Me?
Yeah.
No, I mean, Yeah I don�t like network presidents vocationally.
It�s not personal.
She�s only been doing it six weeks.
Her only big move has been Studio 60, and Studio 60�s working.
It is?
Where are we right now?
This isn�t her fault.
It�s not mine, either, but that�s not what Wilson White�s gonna say.
Sorry it took me a bit to get here, Judge.
It�s all right, here�s your file.
Damn.
Sorry, Judge, left the safety off.
Yes, sir, you almost hit the Chairman of NBS.
Shepherd, Matlock, you�re up.
Let�s go back across the street to administer some justice.
All right, Judgemental Credit Card Rep is up, Alex!
It�s just for camera marks, go to one!
Ring.
Ring.
�Hello?� �Mr.
McAllister?� �Speaking.� �This is Jenny from Visa Customer Service.
We�re calling to enquire about some unusual activity with your Visa card.
Can you tell me where you last use your card?� �Uh, sure, I think it was at the Ralph Lauren store on Rodeo.� �Mm hmm, and can you tell me what you purchased?� �A pair of socks.� �Mm hmm, and can you tell me what you pay?� �I think about sixty dollars.� �That�s a lot of money for sock, don�t you think?� �Excuse me?� �Say sixty dollar is a lot of money for sock.� �Well, what do you care?� �No reason to be rude, sir.
Were the socks a gift or were they for yourself?� �Look, is there a problem with my card?� �Paying sixty dollar for sock on Rodeo Drive when there�s 3 pair for $9.99 at Wal-Mart?
I don�t think the problem is with your card, sir.� All right.
Thank you, we move to Item 10, News 60!
Harriet, Dylan!
Matt?
Yeah?
You hear anything from them?
I�m sure they�ll be back in time, but let�s cover ourselves.
�Cause watching Alex just now, it really seems to me that � What is your problem?
Your rehearsal before was fine, you�re going to be fine.
Just be yourself.
I can�t just be myself.
Why?
Because I�m not Robert Redford.
I�ll be honest with you, Dylan, I really don�t, you know, I don�t pay attention to other men�s bodies.
Yeah, he�s not homophobic.
I�m homophobic in the way that makes sense.
Matt � I don�t want you doing anything that you�re uncomfortable with.
If you feel better with characters, voices, and wigs, that�s fine.
Alex?
Thank you.
Yes, sir?
Pretend you�re talking to me for a second.
Okay.
When I say �now,� you�re going to look over at the News 60 desk with a look mixed with nervous concern and eager anticipation.
Okay.
Now.
How was that?
I could use another take for safety, but we�ll live with it.
Jeanie!
Hey, Dylan!
Hey, Jeanie, I � Don�t flirt with me, rook, and you should be getting ready for the news.
No, I�m not doing the news.
Alex is going to do it if Simon doesn�t make it back.
Why?
Matt�s call.
Huh, I wonder why.
I saw your rehearsal before, and I thought it was good.
You showed a new side of you, and I was looking forward to seeing you in a dark blue suit.
Yeah?
Don�t flirt with me, rook.
Yes, ma'am.
How come I never get to be the sexy shill?
She is money in the bank.
Yes, I know.
Matt?
Dylan.
What can I do for you?
That�s a little personal, sir.
Yes.
Sorry, you withdraw the question, or you don�t care?
I don't care.
I had said to my ex-husband that I didn�t want to have children because I didn�t want to have children with him.
Ah.
Yes.
Well, you know what Mark Twain said � �They�re after us, Jim, now lay into that pole!� �A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting its shoes on.� Much more germane to the situation.
Within the scope of TMG, NBS is a drop in the bucket.
Content may be king, but distribution pays the king�s mortgage.
With the entertainment�s 8% profit margin, I sometimes wonder why I bother.
Sir � But I don�t wonder for long, because NBS will always be the public face of TMG.
Our broadband service has never landed us on the cover of Time, and no TMG board member has ever had to account for our theme parks at a Princeton parent�s day weekend!
But they have to account for me?
Yeah.
It�s much ado about nothing, Wilson.
It�s a combination of a bottom-feeding ex-husband, code-holding media outlets, some of which, sir, are owned by TMG, and religious groups that are angry over the fact that I � I don�t care.
Make it stop.
Danny Tripp.
You screw up this TMG deal with China and I�m going to hire real Germans to kill you.
I don�t have anything to do with the deal in China.
Neither do I, so deal with it.
What�s going on over there?
There�s now an Assistant DA here in Thunderdome.
He�s looking into the file and they�ll all get into it in a minute.
Let me know when your cast is out of jail.
Well, we�ve got a reckless driving, willful wanton disregard for public safety, causing death, bodily injury, and harm � It�s a speeding ticket.
The assault and battery charge � He just stepped in between two � Purview of LA County.
And the FTA, failure to appear, which ups the whole thing to a Category B felony � Category A includes murder, so you don�t want to get up too high on that alphabet.
And the marijuana in the jacket.
Which is mine.
Well, possession�s just a misdemeanor, but the joint was half-smoked, suggesting use, which is a felony.
Thank God it is.
Jack.
If we don�t get these dangerous pot-smokers off the streets, then we�ll run out of Pop Tarts at the grocery stores.
Are you mouthing off to this court, Mr.
Rudolph?
Yes, I am, Judge.
That�s what happens when I�ve been screwed with a couple hours straight by someone other than my wife!
Jack � Judge � You�ve been playing around with us like we�re a damn cat toy because you think it�s funny.
Judge � How exactly is that different from what these guys do every Friday night?
These guys aren�t the law, Judge.
They don�t wear a fricken� robe.
Jack, really, he needs a lawyer.
I am a lawyer!
And Buffalo Bob and his sister Sue over here are going to keep Tom in jail over the weekend because they don�t like Studio 60.
Deputy handcuff Mr.
Rudolph, charge him in contempt, and read him Miranda.
You can tell the governor he can find a new ATM machine!
Deputy, hang on!
That prisoner guy�s got on some kind of an arm bracelet, looks like a military thing I don�t know what it means, but�.
Mr.
Jeter, come here.
Let me see your wrist.
Isn�t that an illegal search?
He�s already under arrest, Matlock.
I can search whatever I want; I just want to see his wrist.
What�d you pay this guy?
He�s a copyright lawyer.
Now they tell me.
Let me see your wrist.
You weren�t protesting in Nellis.
You were driving to Nellis.
Finally.
You were driving to Nellis, right?
Yes, sir.
Mark Jeter, he�s your brother?
Yes, sir.
Older or younger?
He�s my little brother.
What�s going on?
Mr.
Jeter�s younger brother is a staff sergeant with the 820th Red Horse squadron deployed out of Nellis Air Force Base.
You know what Red Horse does?
They go into war zones and they build things incredibly fast, a hospital in three days, roads, bridges � Is it dangerous?
You want to go to a Taliban-controlled region of Afghanistan right now with an American flag on your shoulder and build a school.
Why didn�t you say anything?
This isn�t his first tour, is it?
It�s his third.
You see, Staff Sgt.
Jeter�s just playing Russian roulette at this point, 'cause you should see what happens to the casualty numbers with multiple tours.
He didn�t want his little brother�s last act on this earth to be getting him out of a speeding ticket.
I�m right, right?
Yes, sir.
What do you know, I�m Agatha Christie.
Booney?
On my own motion, I move to dismiss all the charges in my own jurisdiction against Mr.
Jeter.
I do so in the interest of� well, really, just because I feel like it.
Thank you, sir.
Mr.
Styles and Mr.
Rudolph, they�re both friends of yours?
Yes, sir.
You sure?
Yes, sir.
You absolutely sure?
Yes, sir.
Deputy, can I see that evidence bag?
No, sir, we�ve lost the evidence bag.
Well, what�d�you know about that.
Well, Sammy, citing lack of corpus, that�s evidence to you, I do not accept the charges of possession or use, and Mr.
Rudolph, we�ll just chalk you up to being an Ivy League tight-ass who needs a vacation.
That should go for me too, sir.
Don�t press your luck, funny man.
And stop thinking everybody between 5th Avenue and the Hollywood Bowl just stepped barefoot out of the cast of �Hee-Haw.� Tell your friends about it.
You�re all excused.
Are we flying as fast as we can?
Captain said we were.
Doesn�t seem like we�re flying as fast as we can.
It�s hard to gauge air speed.
But we�re not trying to conserve energy or anything.
No.
Because this is no time to get serious about global warming.
The pilot�s flying as fast as the plane will go, and that�s pretty fast.
This may sound pretty crazy, but we�re not being slowed down by the fact that you�re making chicken Caesar salad for everyone, right?
No.
Okay.
What do you want?
You know the good thing about Jordan?
Anything something goes wrong, you can blame her.
That�s the best you can do?
It�s true, I talked to her on the phone and Wilson White�s ready to blame her if the China deal falls through.
I can assure you that Wilson will assign a healthy portion of the blame to me.
Jack � Not everyone can be as indifferent toward making money as you are.
Yeah, but you�re somebody who can afford to be.
You�re already rich, Jack, why not be a broadcaster, now?
Oh, get away from me!
I�m saying � You sit over there in your theatre � I sit over there in my theatre?
You have no idea what I do.
If you had my job for a day, you�d sit in the middle of the room and cry.
Maybe, but if you had my job for a day you�d lose a couple hundred million dollars of other people�s money and not care though I�m sure NBS would be the highest rated network within a mile radius of Zabar�s and the Chateau Marmont.
You know, you call me an elitist but I�m not the one who thinks shows need to be dumber to work central and mountain time.
She�s got a paper.
What?
The kid.
She�s got one of the tabloids.
Move, move!
Hey, folks.
Reading the papers?
Yes.
Mind if I check something out?
When you borrowed my camera, you broke it.
Can�t really break a newspaper.
When I�m done.
I�m looking for the celebrity gossip.
Yeah.
You know what�s fun?
The jumbles.
They�re pretty easy.
Well, they�re not like the challenge of celebrity gossip, but it passes the time.
Would you tell your father we appreciate him flying in more than one direction?
You know, it is my company�s plane.
He knows.
Any chance you�ll tell him again anyway?
No, he knows.
Great.
Talk to her for the rest of the flight; I don�t want her dad to see anything about Jordan in the gossip column.
What is there about Jordan in the gossip columns � Just...
do it.
We�re flying as fast as we can go?
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
I�m good �Russian Interfax news agency has reported that researchers�� Hey they�re back.
Great.
Thanks.
You got it.
You look good in that suit.
I mean, I don�t really check out� Yeah.
You should get in costume for dress.
Sure.
��Annie Got Her Gun: The Annie McNichols Story.�� Laugh all you want, Sam, but you�re their target demo.
We�re going to start the dress late, right?
15 minutes late, a couple hours depending on traffic.
Okay.
It�s possible we�ll be doing the dress at 8:30 and then broadcasting it nationally.
You think if we start the dress late that word�s gonna get out?
Yes.
You think there�ll be press inquiries?
Yes.
We need a believable excuse.
We�re the Keystone Cops we feel lucky when people can find the building in the morning, much less dress rehearsal on time.
Well, I�d buy that.
Yeah.
Hello.
I was wondering if you�d look at a sketch.
You�re pitching me Friday at 5:15?
It�s not for tonight it�s just...
I was hoping for some feedback.
Show it to Ricky and Ron.
I�m finding it difficult to get their attention.
Hey - I SAID, I�M HAVING DIFFICULTY GETTING THEIR ATTENTION.
And you�re here for� The learning experience.
Yeah, so, it�s a parody of the board game Operation, you know the game there�s a body, and the players remove the parts with tweezers without � I know the game.
Operation on Single Girl.
A cardboard cutout of a girl with plastic parts to be removed with a surgeon�s precision.
A group of single men sit around the game and laugh while taking turns with the tweezers.
�Let�s take out her self-esteem, her dreams.� �Hey, what�s this?� �You got her soul.� �My turn, my turn, I want to get the vulnerable part.� It�s good so far.
Can I ask, by any chance did you just have a bad break-up with a boyfriend?
It�s okay, it�s all right, let out.
Ow...okay, ow ow ow, okay.
All right Everybody out, let�s go.
Get up.
Get downstairs, go!
All right, sir, we�ve got another car waiting for you right over here � Dad!
Right over here.
When we talked about Jordan That was me talking, too.
Okay?
Yeah.
He says, �Just a moment, please.� She�s got the gossip news on her BlackBerry.
Drunken driving?
Sex clubs and pornography?
She objects to women having children?
Of course she doesn�t object to women having children � This woman has brought shame to your company.
I�m sorry for my father, he�s very much set in old, and maybe clich�d ways of honor.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Why don�t you tell your father to take his business to TimeWarner.
You don�t really want me to tell him � Tell him.
My company doesn�t have honor.
One of my guys spent the day in two different police stations because he came to the defense of a woman who was being verbally and physically abused.
He could have been out of it easy if he played the �support our troops� card but he wasn�t about to minimize the sacrifice of his brother and his brother�s buddies.
Simon Styles has prior convictions but the Budweiser Clydesdales could not stop him from trying to make it clear to the judge that this much marijuana was his.
This guy� I don�t know what he was doing except trying to convince me that Jordan McDeere�s been all over the gossip pages because when she was 25 she married a...
fraction of a man, and this man has been telling tales both true and false in the hopes of selling a book and working the talk shows.
Sir, out of Jordan McDeere�s faults, and there are many lack of honor is not among them.
She�s killing me with her honor.
So I�m sorry, Mr.
Zhang you have insulted me and you have insulted my company, and I think you should take your business to TimeWarner.
Ah, this is my fault, I translated wrong.
He said that it�s the ex-husband who brought dishonor upon himself by speaking.
It�s a subtle grammatical nuance.
Important one, though, wouldn�t you say?
All right, well, I�m going to go inside but Jack I could kiss you all over the face right now.
Nice meeting you.