Programa de TV: Hotel Babylon - 3x2
Love is in the air.
'It's the run upto St Valentine's day and we're all hard at it.
'Calling in the favours, getting together all those romantic little extras, 'making sure we cash in on Cupid.
'Nothing is too much trouble, everything is possible.
'But as the swan appears to glide gracefully through the water, the feet below are paddling furiously.
'It's like a beautiful and well choreographed ballet.
'You want champagne and chocolates?
We've got them.
'You want a top night in with your other half?
'We can certainly deliver the ingredients.
'You want music?
'0ne ofthe world's most breathtaking Coloratura sopranos with an extended high range?
'No problem.
' PLAYS PITCH NOTE ON KEYBOARD # 0 mic bambino caro # # Mi piace e bello...!
# 'You want us to park our taste at the door?
'We'll grit our teeth and make sure you and your lovely lady have a night to remember.
'Even the most bizarre requests a couple of love birds, can be accommodated.
'But surprises aren't always for the guests.
'Sometimes we also get them from nowhere.
'Invariably turning our little cosy world completely on its head.
' 'Hotel Babylon is a triumph of tacky style over non-existent content.
'If it's still here in a year, I'll eat the chef's hat, which is preferable to his a la carte.
' Shit!
Hotel Babylon S03E02 KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
It's the worst I've ever read.
??????????????
I didn't know anyone could be that rude.
Morning, Charlie.
Morning, Anna.
I've been taking cancellations all morning.
I take it y0u've all read this?
Good to see our shiny new PR's on top of her game To be fair, Alexander Crawfield didn't tell us he was coming, and nobody spotted him in the restaurant.
I've had half the maitre d's in London calling upto crow.
All I'll say at the moment is it's nothing to be worried about.
One poor review...
One dreadful review!
One duff review from Mr Crawfield really isn't the end of the world.
just the end of people booking into our restaurant, which is rapidly resembling the Marie Celeste.
Come Valentine's night tomorrow, it'lljust be Gino and myself holding hands over an avocado mousse!
I've had worse evenings.
This is the one night that makes up for all the crappy February nights in the dining room.
It's Emily's job to have seen it coming.
Hi.
Are you still there?
The last time Crawfield awarded a one star review, that Asian fusion place in Chelsea closed within a week.
Hi!
Sorry I'm late.
God, have you seen this?
ALL: Yes!
0h.
Good.
Well then let me get you up to speed with my thoughts about the chef problem.
Chef problem?
I wasn't aware we had one.
When Alexander Crawfield says that our steak is as tough as a hoodie's trainer, we have a problem with whoever cooked the food.
A sous chef cooked it.
Then we have a problem with the person who allowed it to be served.
Would you pass these round, please?
So, I've been talking to a few people and I think I have come up with a solution.
Really?
We bring in a celebrity chef with Michelin stars.
The figures make sense.
If you could all turn to page two please.
This line is 'takings' and this is 'time'.
This is The Burlington.
This is The Burlington after they hired jacques Salavert.
Takings went up over 65% over two months.
Where did you get all of this from?
Let'sjust say I have a friend.
So, if we take away the money a celebrity chef earns for putting their name above the door, plus the 25% they get on all takings, and the 80,000 for a head chef to do the actual cooking while they're swanning around on TV, then our profit margin should look something like...
..this.
0h...
Sorry.
It's still a bit rough around the edges.
Well, thank you, Emily, for your thoughts.
Thank you.
However, we already have a chef here that's been working here for eight years.
And got the hotel out of many a tight spot.
Adam's a talented chef, and talented chefs don't lose it overnight.
Charlie, Adam's been losing it for months.
I'll be investigating what's happened and I will have the situation under control.
Is that understood?
Perfectly understood, Charlie.
Right, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so let's forget about the reviews and pull out all the stops to make it a great one for the hotel.
Thank you, everyone.
Anna, could you stay behind a moment?
Yeah, of course.
It's very sweet of her Royal Highness to offer us a box for the duration of the tournament, but I'm afraid we're otherwise engaged.
Please pass on our apologies to her private secretary.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning, madam.
I believe you have a booking in the name of Hamilton?
Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton.
In town for Valentine's Day?
Actually, no.
You're in the Hanging Gardens Suite.
Your special requests are ready and waiting for you.
Excellent.
If you'd just give us our key.
Oh, just one moment, madam.
Do excuse me.
0f course.
This week?
In the evenings.
Possibly after...
After...
Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton are here.
Good.
Excellent.
Who?
Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton.
The computer said you wanted to be told when they arrived.
Yes, I did, and you've done that.
Thank you, Ben.
Very good.
And that's exactly what I was talking to Anna about.
Right.
????????????????
???What are you talking about?
I did want to talk to you about them.
They're phenomenally well-connected, the type I want in the hotel.
Actually they normally stay at The Arden.
I want you to look after them and see to it that they have everything before they've even finished asking for it.
Really, me?
You are ready for a little bit more responsibility.
And seeing as though we work so well together.
..
You won't regret it.
Oh, you can count on me!
Well, I hope so, because I am.
OK.
Sixty, madam?
But you don't look a day over...
42.
Sweet boy.
The 60th birthday is Sir Ralph's.
Many happy returns, Sir Ralph.
0h, thank you.
Thank you, Ben, I shall take over from here.
Good morning, Lady Hamilton.,Sir Ralph.
I'm Anna Thornton-Wilton, Special Guest Relations Manager, and I shall be looking after you throughout your stay.
I'll organise your menus, booking your cars and beauty treatments, and liaising between you and our staff.
Wonderful.
Excellent.
Wonderful.
Excellent.
Since when?
Since Charlie just asked me to, so back off.
So if I could take you through the vulgarity that is swiping a credit card?
0h, by the way, this is my son, Giles.
How do you do?
And will you be joining your parents for dinner tomorrow evening?
joining us?
We can't get rid ofthe boy!
Is that your broomstick parked outside on a double yellow, Mother?
I'm Charlie Edwards, the General Manager.
How do you do?
It's a pleasure to welcome you to Hotel Babylon.
Thank you.
It's quite an establishment you have here.
Thank you, sir.
Your staff are charming.
Anything you want, Anna will get it for you.
Anything?
Within reason, ofcourse.
Great.
Thank you very much.
0h, thank you so much, that would be so absolutely brilliant.
Yes, you're a life saver, and I promise you you will love this place.
OK.
Will do.
Bye.
Adam...
Don't bring that rag in here.
We're gonna have to talk about this.
There's nothing to talk about!
???The most feared restaurant critic in London hasjust royally kicked our arses.
It was a bad night.
No that is the problem it was an absolutely ordinary night.
We were light on diners.
There is no excuse.
I've got problems at home.
But I am trying to sort things out.
I want to hear that this is never happen again.
I'm under immense pressure to deliver like this hotel has never delivered before.
OK, OK.
Message received loud and clear boss .
Taking the piss isn't gonna help.
Where are the Valentine's menu?
Yeah, I'm working on them.
Come on, I asked you for them three days ago.
Give me a break here.
I'm not your mate.
I'm your manager.
It wasn't so long ago that you came to me as a mate when you needed a 12-course tasting for the japanese Ambassador, on top of a last-minute wedding for 300 people.
Well, that was then and this is now.
I really, really need you to take what I'm saying seriously.
OK.
This review, it ruins business and puts the hotel in a state of crisis.
There's whispers of all sorts flying around upstairs.
Now I'll deal with that, but be under no illusion the heat is most definitely on.
Have a romantic stay.
Here's hoping!
There's nothing like dropping a bit of cash to get you in the mood.
She's only after one thing.
Really?
A ring.
He's also only after one thing.
Shame it isn't the same thing.
Nice to see someone's busy.
I'm managing six proposals, three anniversaries and a golden wedding.
Well, we're about as popular as a hosepipe ban at a wet T-shirt competition.
Really?
How many bookings you got?
Three?!
Don't say it out loud, I might have to cry.
Good morning.
How can I help you?
Hi there.
William jones and Becky Shawcross.
Ah, here we are.
A double...
with, um, twin beds?
That's right.
Oh, OK?
We're abstainers.
Abstaining from?
Sex before marriage.
We're saving ourselves until we go down the aisle.
Love waits.
0f course it does.
Room 235.
0n the second floor.
The lift's over there.
Have a...
quiet stay.
Peace be with you, brother.
And also with you.
Perfume.
If this is a code word, you have to tell me what it's for before you use it.
No, Ijust thought a bloke in your position might know what the latest smell is out on the street.
It's been ages since I bought anything.
OK.
Is it for a bird?
A little bit more than a bird.
I spy with my little eye, someone beginning with 'A'.
What you talking about?
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Leave it with me.
Emily, what can I do for you?
Gino, I need a bottle of your finest bubbles sent upto Sir Ralph and Lady Amelia in the Hanging Gardens Suite.
Pronto, Gino!
Oh, my God, it's...
Otto Clark.
What's he doing here?
Argh!
Mr Otto Clark!
What a pleasure it is to see you.
How...?
How can I help you?
I have a meeting with Emily james and someone called Charlie Edwards.
I can't believe that y0u've done this.
Charlie, when are you going to realise that I'm not the enemy?
Otto Clark single-handedly put the Chesterton back on the map.
I wasn't aware we were off the map.
Well, we're not off the map, exactly.
But we're hardly a visible destination.
Publicity follows Otto around, like, like WAGS at a football match.
I thought you should meet him, which is why.
..I asked him to drop by.
The cavalry, as they say in horsey circles, has arrived.
You must be Charlie.
Otto Clark.
You've probably seen me talking bollocks on the telly.
But don't be fooled, I can actually cook.
Your reputation precedes you.
Well, the amount I pay my publicist I should hope so.
I'm afraid y0u've had a wasted journey, Mr Clarke.
I already have an executive chef.
Yes.
He's the talk ofthe town.
I don't think that's fair.
Charlie, if only you'd try some...
Thank you, Emily.
I really don't need another chef, Otto.
Adam Price is excellent at his job.
Yes.
Now if you're not interested in turning this place around, having the critics salivating round the block for a table, well then I can only say I admire your loyalty.
And this Adam Price is a lucky chap to have it.
Arrivederci, sweetheart.
Maybe next time.
Er...
A cook-off!
What?
0tto's Valentine's day menu against Adam's.
The best man gets the job.
I'm sure Mr Clarke has better things to do with his time.
0n the contrary.
I'm a sucker for a competition.
You're joking?
Look at this face.
You don't need me?
You will eat my food, Charlie, swiftly followed by your words.
Roses for room 323 and lilies for 360.
jesus, look - porn stars, 12 o'clock!
What?
Where?
At reception.
The guy looks like a Tandoori dish, and the girl with the spray-on micro-skirt.
You sad old sexist.just cos a girl has tits and a tan you think she works in porn.
I don't think, jackie.
I know.
These days porn is a suburban housewife being plumbed by a plumber on a Draylon sofa.
I had no idea you were an aficionado.
just cos I'm a single mum doesn't mean all my evenings are bubble baths and bedtime stories.
Have you seen the porn stars?
If he thinks they're porn stars, they ARE porn stars.
You two are pathetic.They look nothing like sex industry workers.
Porn stars.
Hey, if those two are not taking photos of each other within five minutes, I will buy a black leather cap, you know, with studs around the brim, and eat it.
KNOCK AT DOOR Champagne!
How very kind.
Now also...
Don Perignon '96.
Oh, how delicious.
Do stay for a glass.
I'm afraid I'm on duty.
But also...
Giles, pour Anna a glass of this wonderful champagne.
0f course.
Well, if you insist.
Thank you.
Try not to let the bubbles get up your nose.
Now I also took the liberty of ringing the Arden, where you usually stay.
0h, thank you.
Wonderful hotel but for its spa.
They claim their deep-cleansing mud heralds from the Dead Sea, .
but I know for a fact it comes from a hole in the ground on the outskirts of Coventry Well, they told me that you have a dust allergy.
So I wondered if you'd prefer bedding made of Amicor pure fibres?
That sounds perfect.
Thank you.
You're wasted on Reception.
Yes, yes, I am.
I also wanted to check you received the gifts that you pre-ordered.
Right down to the velvet box of Aspreys' goodies.
I can hear you, Amelia!
She's going to ruin my surprise.
Well, I'm glad that everything's to your satisfaction.
Such a treasure.
Thornton-Wilton, you say.
Not connected to the Surrey Thornton-Wiltons by any chance?
Well, yes, as you happen to mention it.
I knew it!
Do you see Bunny frequently?
Bunny?
Funny you should say that because we, erm, occasionally holiday in the Seychelles together.
How marvellous!
We both adore to snorkel.
Bunny can hold her breath for up to six minutes, whereas I can only manage one and a half.
Remarkable.
One yearl got my foot trapped in a giant clam.
You idiot!
Pick them up!
Season.
What are we doing here exactly?
Learning that there is, after all, something as a free lunch.
We're here to lend Adam moral support, and at the same time hope that flash bastard off the telly screws up.
The smart money's on Otto cos he always doing The Richard and The judy.
Well, I'm supporting Adam.
How about you?
I'm supporting whoever makes the restaurant full and bring heavy tippers to my bar.
Hear, hear.
Shall we start?
Yes.
0h, that looks wonderful.
OK, talk me through this.
We've got prawns poached in absinthe, in baskets of parsnip rosti with a tomato and cucumber coulis, and a salmon timbale salad.
Sounds interesting.
Otto?
It's a tuna carpaccio.
Anything else?
With ingredients this good anything else would be superfluous.
0h, absolutely.
DISPLAYS OF MEDIOCRE ENj0YMENT DISPLAYS OF PURE ENj0YMENT Gorgeous.
Salmon fillet pan-fried in cognac with a dill and butterjus and croquette potatoes, and pickled beetroot compote.
The salmon looks good.
I'm a big fan of compote.
This, as you're probably aware, is my signature dish - lobster ravioli with a foie gras mousseline sauce.
It's very famous and utterly delicious.
Oh, salmon's good.
So filling.
Mmm!
Mmm, God!
Oh, that's good.
Oh, actually, that's very good.
Both look, er, great.
I think someone opened and slammed closed the oven door while mine was cooking.
Mmm.
What, um, is that meant to be?
It's a chocolate pot.
It tastes better than it looks.
I'm sure.
And yours, Otto, I can tell on sight is a tarte au citron.
The lemons were flown in from Sicily this morning.
I can smell the groves from here.
Gorgeous.
Charlie, would you like to do the honours?
Sure.
Well?
Chocolatey?
And now 0tto's.
I must say, I'm really not a pudding type person.
That is amazing.
That is unbelievable.
You should get stuck into that.
Mmm!
That should be illegal.
Mmm.
0h my God!
So, what do you think of 0tto's menu?
As expected, superb.
Good enough for tomorrow night?
Perhaps.
Eight years he's given this place.
Tony, it's a question of business.
Old Charlie would have said it's a question of loyalty.
Well, done, darling, you were marvellous.
I'm sorry, Adam.
Yeah, so am I.
So is my wife, my children, and my bank manager.
I'm not asking you to leave.
I'm saying stay and be 0tto's number two.
I'll need somebody who can manage the day-to-day.
You know the kitchens, the team know you...
Fine!
Fine.
It is a demotion.
I understand that you...
Spare me the concerned boss's spiel, OK?
I said fine.
'Fine' means you don't have to keep talking at me.
'Fine' means I'll eat shit if that's what you want, so long as you shut the hell up!
I've been thinking.
What if the porno stars are actually filming upstairs in the room?
How many times do I have to say it?
They're NOT porn stars.
But if they are, and Charlie finds out that they are filming, he's going to be extremely pissed off.
So?
So I think I should do some special undercover Gino operation to find out if they actually are in the bang-bang business.
What undercover operation?
Research on the computer.
By which you mean watching lots and lots of porn until you recognise them?
Yeah, I know, but I'm prepared to do it for the name of the hotel.
Right.
Oh, Anna?
The pillows in the suite.
Yes, would you like more?
No.
They're filled with duck feathers.
Yes.
Sir Ralph can only sleep on goose.
Goose.
Right, OK.
I'll see to that straight away.
Thank you.
0h, do sit down a moment.
..Giles...
Thanks.
You know, I suddenly remembered.
Bunny Thornton-Wilton was there when I first met Sir Ralph.
Really?
Yes.
We'd broken down by the side ofthe road, so I tried flagging down some assistance.
Suddenly, a jaguar pulled onto the hard shoulder and out stepped Sir Ralph.
Lithe as a panther.
Bunny practically creamed herself...
Well, Bunny always has been a bit of a...
A creamer.
Thousands drove by, but Ralph stopped.
Within minutes he had changed my tyre and my life.
Six weeks later we were wed.
I came along almost nine months to the day.
Well, that can happen when you mix Monsieur Veuve and Clicquot with a four-poster bed in a French chateau!
TH EY CH UCKLE Pavlov's dog's got nothing on that girl when it comes to a whiff of money and class.
So did you not think of having any more children?
0h, I'd have loved more.
But after Giles, Sir Ralph's sperm count plunged through the floor, and that was that.
Sorry.
Don't be.
I proved more than a handful.
Oh!
Oh, dear.
Allow me.
0h, thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Good evening, Lady Hamilton.
I trust everything is to your satisfaction?
Difficult to imagine how it could be more so.
Anna?
I think you should get back behind reception.
Ben's rushed off his feet.
But I thought you wanted me to look after...
Now!
OK.
Sorry, excuse me a moment.
If there's anything else you need during the duration of your stay, please do not hesitate to contact me.
0f course, we will.
Thank you.
See, I told you they were filming themselves.
It's live.
I've been watching the webs.
Have you been doing this all night?
Yeah.
It's been difficult but, you know, for the good of the hotel...
Right.
Gino.
We all know that's not a broken arm, it's a sprained wrist.
I'm right handed.
I knew that spray-tanned twosome were dodgy, soon as I saw them.
Can we tell if it's definitely their room?
It's difficult to say.
The camera's way too.
..
Whoah!
Waaay, way too close.
This is not good.
0f course it's not good.
Look where he's put his...
That is his foot, isn't it?
The last thing we need right now is to be known as The Porn Hotel.
Bloody hell!
The reverse cowgirl position.
A position to be attempted by only the very, very bendy.
Oh, so it has a name?
They all have names.
We need one of them to take their masks off so we can be absolutely certain it's them.
Who needs faces when the body art tells you everything you need to know?
Boys, boys, boys...
0h, it's not what it looks.
Tut, tut, tut.
Anna, we would very much like to have breakfast in our room tomorrow morning.
Anna?
Oh!
Sorry?
Everything all right?
Yes, no, everything's great.
Erm...
Er...
You want breakfast in your room tomorrow at...
In my experience, a face like that is caused by one of two things.
Either a man, or a man.
One minute he's being lovely, the next he's a complete and utter bugger.
But the thing is...
You don't know what you did to change things.
And do you know why?
Why?
Because you didn't do anything.
It isn't YOU.
Because in the short time we've spent together I can see you're open, kind, and very, very lovely.
Yes, well, alll need now is a car in which to break down on the M25, so I can find my own Sir Ralph.
Look, why don't you help me on my shopping trip tomorrow?
My monthly splurge on Sir Ralph's account.
0h, I couldn't.
If I don't spend it, he'll only have to give it to the taxman.
0h, we can't have that.
Course not!
0h, boss - you know that perfume you asked me about earlier.
I've managed to find this very lovely...
Forget about it.
Doesn't look like I'm gonna be needing it after all.
What, you gone off her already?
Listen, I want you to make that sale whatever happens, all right?
What a cock!
I will personally guarantee you have a fabulous evening...
May I have your complete attention, please?
Good morning, everyone.
My name is Otto Clark and, for reasons I think we are all aware, I am your new Executive Chef.
Do not make the mistake that in my kitchen I am the genial tit you have seen on the gogglebox.
I do the genial tit on the gogglebox for the profile it brings my restaurants, full stop.
I am all about the food, and all about business.
One begats the other and both of them begot me my Michelin stars.
My staff tend to call me The Assassin, and if I see that you are no damn good, I'll come up behind you and you'll be asked to get your things and leave.
So.
..
If you are feeling shit, tell me.
If you are in the shit, tell me.
If you are shit, well, then do us both a favour and slip away now before I find you out.
Now, I have taken the liberty of ordering us some new whites.
So find a set that fits quickly, because we have less than twelve hours to turn disaster into triumph.
To do that, I need all hands on deck and all egos - except mine - left at the door!
ALL: Yes, Chef.
I'm sorry, did someone speak?
ALL: YES CHEF!
Better.
Right.
Let's get cooking!
So, he is here already?
Arrived this morning.
In the biggest penis substitute I've ever seen.
Who cares?
Word's out already and my phone's dripping with bookings.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
Cards...
From me to you!
Don't take this the wrong way, Emily, but aren't Valentine's cards supposed to be anonymous?
Well, they are if they're serious.
But this isjust a bit of fun.
Fun, guys.
To elicit smiling.
Very popular with the happy.
I am happy cos I have a secret admirer.
I have the evidence here.
Ah, so which poor, deluded, presumably blind female sent you that?
I have a sneak feeling that it is the new sexy chambermaid.
Who?
Katya?
She's fit, eh?
She's a lesbian.
ALL SNIGGER AND LAUGH jackie, did you get any cards?
just one.
But it did come with these.
Anna?
No.
No, not yet.
Charlie?
Ooh, look.
Here's one without a stamp...
0h, and kisses.
Come on, who's that from?
No idea.
Thank you.
0h, bit of news.
I've managed to persuade Alexander Crawfield to come back and give the restaurant another shot.
What?!
When?
Tonight.
Tonight?
Talk about piling on the pressure!
Well, Alexander Crawfield wrote us into this mess, we make sure he gets everything he needs to write us out.
Looks like it's all hands to the pump, then.
Well, my hands are reserved for carrying shopping.
What shopping?
Lady Amelia asked me to accompany her on a spree.
Is that OK?
With Giles?
I don't think so.
Can I go?
Enjoy.
Great.
Look, I know it's the shortest of short notices, but I have absolute faith that Otto can pull this off.
Well, with less than twelve hours to prepare and a kitchen he's never worked with before, buckle yourselves in, cos we're in for a shit storm.
Why are these still here when they haven't been fresh since last Saturday?
Oh, for G0d's sake, Adam.
You know as well as I do these need to be cleaned every week!
Christ, something just moved!
That was for six people, wasn't it?
Could you just hold for one second?
Thank you.
Is that a table for two?
I'm afraid I can only do 8.30...
It's curdled, so bin it and start again.
Yes, that was a table for six?
Yes, that's confirmed.
Great, fine.
And your name?
I've had enough, darling.
Anna, this is for you.
What?
For all your help.
I insist.
Here...
Oh, Lady Amelia.
Giles is a handsome chap, but necklaces really aren't his thing.
Oh!
Oh, it's adorable.
As are you.
But I can't accept it.
Anna.
No.
As much as I would love to, it would be totally unprofessional.
But thank you so much for the thought.
You really are quite a remarkable little thing, aren't you?
It's nice that someone notices.
Thank you.
Right then, where next?
Cocktails!
Great!
Do these say, 'Otto Clark'?
No, they say 'Inoffensive modernism.
' Change them.
To what?
Well...
Something better, obviously!
More inoffensive, or more modern?
I think we should put Alexander Crawfield in the middle.
No, this'll be next to that boring bloke from the Sunday Times.
The corner is much better.
0h, no.
No, that's near the kitchen.
He hates to sit near the kitchen.
Didn't you know that?
In a couple of hours, people are going to be queuing up to eat here.
God knows I'm grateful to you for that, Emily.
But I am the Restaurant Manager, while you are PR.
I'll stay out of your photo shoots if you stay out of my restaurant.
Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the nearest drugstore?
I'm looking for some baby oil.
Baby oil?
Yeah, you know, baby oil.
Yeah, yeah.
I know what baby oil is for.
Vaseline would be equally as good.
Oh, my God...
..0h, jackie!
Hi!
Can I borrow you for a second, please?
Yeah.
Mr Arden here would like some baby oil and, er, Vaseline.
OR Vaseline.
Please move this couple away from the Christians now!
Let me direct you to the nearest chemist.
It's probably best if we step outside.
Can I be of any help?
We were just interested in the time ofthe evening service at St George's, Hanover Square.
0f course.
I'll find out and have the details sent straight up to you.
Bless you.
Bless you!
Phew!
Aha!
I see you two have been pushing the materialist envelope.
I won't tell you how much I've spent.
I bought Anna a beautiful necklace but she won't accept it.
Oh!
Oh!
It fair restores my withering faith in human nature.
Anna, why don't you join us for a drink before dinner this evening?
Oh, no.
I wouldn't want to intrude.
0h, stop that!
Come at seven.
Don't be late.
Oh, OK!
Pull this off, it'll be a miracle.
0h, ye of little faith.
How's it all going?
Swimming along.
We're one stroke ahead of calamity, but we're getting there.
Excellent.
Keep up the good work!
That's the fourth time y0u've tasted it.
And I'll continue to do so until you get it right.
It's perfect.
Veal has a delicate flavour, which you have completely swamped.
Bollocks!
You've over-seasoned it.
It's a tendency of chefs who have lost the plot.
I have not lost the plot, I've just hit.
..
You had your chance and you blew it.
Now, I've got 175 covers coming through a door with my name over it.
Yeah, don't I know it?
Yourjob is to do as I tell you, not to burn with resentment while you wallow in self-pity, yes?
Yes.
Yes, Chef.
Screw you!
Hello?
I trust he's not going to be taking business calls all night?
I think he's upto something, it being Valentine's night and everything.
Finger's crossed it's a rock the size of Gibraltar!
Action stations, action stations.
Crawfield is in the building.
Repeat, Crawfield is in the building.
TELEPHONE RINGS Hello?
He's here.
'I'm on my way.
' Ring Charlie and let him know.
It's such a pleasure to have your company again, Mr Crawfield.
If there's anything you require, anything at all, you can be assured of my personal attention at all times.
just a seat and a menu will be sufficient for now.
Yes, ofcourse.
Good evening, Mr Crawfield.
Thank you for coming back so swiftly and giving us an opportunity to correct what I personally feel was an...
An erroneous first impression.
Let's hope your golden boy can spin a little magic onto your plates.
Two disgusting dinners in a row and I'll savage you so hard you won't be able to flog so much as a packet of crisps.
Really?
I'm sure you'll find our menu is much improved.
Genius in the kitchen must be matched by style on the restaurant floor.
As I remember, last time, the service was about as slick as dry toast.
May I take your coats?
If you'd like to come this way.
Would this table suit?
I think that one's a little more discrete.
Alexander has put on show all the time, it's such a bore.
0f course.
Alexander!
How are we tonight?
Better for seeing you.
They must be hugging themselves with glee to have someone of your calibre.
I hope you've left your fangs in a little box at home.
I always keep a spare set on me.
One never knows quite how tough the filet mignon will be.
Your menu, madam.
Sir.
Excuse me.
You must try the lobster ravioli.
Anything will be better than the road killl had last week.
Oh, Alexander, you promised to be nice.
He only promised to 'try'.
That's less a ravioli and more a lady's handbag.
I want them nice and tight.
Yes, Chef.
Tim, what are you doing?
Tasting, Chef.
If it's the second time, it's not tasting, it's eating the profits!
Now swallow and get back to work!
And that goes for all of you!
ALL: Yes, Chef!
Unbelievable...
Mmm - nice!
Why are you still here?
One has been invited for pre-prandial drinks with Sir Ralph and Lady Amelia.
Lucky old one!
Not in my official capacity, but as a family friend.
Cos they obviously recognise good breeding.
You know, Gino and Tony can recognise breeding.
At least, they can recognise people trying to breed.
PHONE RINGS It's for you!
Going somewhere nice?
I've got drinks with the Hamiltons.
Well, I hope the outfit pays off.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Nothing at all...
OK, nine tables seated and Crawfield ready and waiting for your very best shot!
Everything's under control.
I could do with a head chef, though.
Where is he?
No idea.
Sulky bastard minced off about an hour ago.
How come?
Why do people walk away?
Because they can't face the truth.
Crawfield's table wants one lobster ravioli to start and one tuna carpaccio.
I want one lobster and one tuna!
I want them quick and I want them to die for!
ALL: Yes, Chef!
jesus Christ!
Where's he going?
Sorry, Chef.
It's the lobster!
What do you mean it's the lobster?!
Urgh!
How do you know it's the lobster?
It's the only thing I've eaten all day, Chef.
I'm sweating hot and cold with an arse like a tap.
Seafood poisoning.
But how can it be off if it was alive at 2 o'clock this afternoon?
Lobster?
Yes, Chef!
Bloody disaster!
The little shit!
He's used the lobster that should have been chucked three days ago!
Now hold on a second...
He's sabotaged me, Charlie.
Your grill-jockey wants to take me and you and this entire hotel down with him!
Hang 0|鈥橧..�?
james!
IN SLOW MOTION: Oh God!
Didn't I tell you?
That's the order for table eight!
I promise it'll be worth the wait.
God Almighty could zap through a signature dish and it wouldn't be worth this wait.
In case you need telling, we are now officially in the shit!
Three men down and seven minutes to get these dishes out before the customers start walking.
This is where you earn your testicles, gentlemen!
Yes, Chef!
You - sauce.
You - new lobster.
Have you ever made pasta?
Yeah.
From scratch?
Couple of times.
You show him how.
Yes, Chef!
Hello?
'All that glistens is not gold.
'Except pure gold.
Stay pure, sweet Anna.
'Lady A'.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Come again soon.
Who knows?
We may well do that.
All set, 'Daddy'?
Do me a favour button it till we're out of here.
I think I can help you with that.
Oh, can't you two wait?
You know your trouble, Derek?
IN A COMMON ACCENT: You worry too much about appearances.
Har, bloody har!
Have they gone?!
Who?
The Hamiltons.
just got this for seeing them off.
Why?
Why?!
Because I think they've cleaned us out, that's why!
Their room is empty.
Everything they'd charged to the room has gone.
All the shopping, everything.
Oh, the credit card slip!
0h my God.
How am I going to tell Charlie?
Give me that!
Have you heard the rumour that jacques Salavert has checked into rehab?
Please stay.
I said rare!
How much longer?
Nearly there.
Go, go!
Running, running, running.
Your starter, Sir.
Thank you.
Madam.
And I am terribly sorry for the delay.
Perhaps this was worth the wait.
How's your carpaccio?
Quite wonderful.
You're just gonna laugh and laugh when I tell you how the Hamiltons are not the Hamiltons and how they ripped off the hotel to the tune of approximately ?,000.
They've done what?
Ripped off the hotel to the tune of approximately?,000.
Ha ha ha!
See, you're not laughing.
How?
Everything they bought during their stay they charged to their room and they've done a runner.
They did leave this, though.
Lady Amelia wanted me to have it but I said that I didn't want it.
I think it's worth?000.
0h, excellent.
So I've only got to explain to the board why I need to write off ?,000?!
Well, actually they tipped Ben for loading their car, so it's ?,950.
You checked their card?
Yeah, but presumably it was cloned shortly before we swiped it and now it's blocked.
Did you not you notice anything suspicious?
No, cos they were professional con artists.
I was conned.
Or were you so taken in by Giles that you didn't look further than his pedigree?
You told me to look after them.
I was working!
Working it more like.
Screw you.
He likes it, he likes it, he bloody likes it!
THEY CHEER Crawfield likes us!
That's great, james.
Really great.
Can we have the tab, please?
You'd be amazed how many hankies I get through on Valentine's.
I feel like such an idiot.
Here.
Call your girlfriends up for a night out tomorrow, spray yourself with this and celebrate being single.
Cos I have a very strong suspicion it won't be for very long.
SHE SOBS That'
'It's the run upto St Valentine's day and we're all hard at it.
'Calling in the favours, getting together all those romantic little extras, 'making sure we cash in on Cupid.
'Nothing is too much trouble, everything is possible.
'But as the swan appears to glide gracefully through the water, the feet below are paddling furiously.
'It's like a beautiful and well choreographed ballet.
'You want champagne and chocolates?
We've got them.
'You want a top night in with your other half?
'We can certainly deliver the ingredients.
'You want music?
'0ne ofthe world's most breathtaking Coloratura sopranos with an extended high range?
'No problem.
' PLAYS PITCH NOTE ON KEYBOARD # 0 mic bambino caro # # Mi piace e bello...!
# 'You want us to park our taste at the door?
'We'll grit our teeth and make sure you and your lovely lady have a night to remember.
'Even the most bizarre requests a couple of love birds, can be accommodated.
'But surprises aren't always for the guests.
'Sometimes we also get them from nowhere.
'Invariably turning our little cosy world completely on its head.
' 'Hotel Babylon is a triumph of tacky style over non-existent content.
'If it's still here in a year, I'll eat the chef's hat, which is preferable to his a la carte.
' Shit!
Hotel Babylon S03E02 KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
It's the worst I've ever read.
??????????????
I didn't know anyone could be that rude.
Morning, Charlie.
Morning, Anna.
I've been taking cancellations all morning.
I take it y0u've all read this?
Good to see our shiny new PR's on top of her game To be fair, Alexander Crawfield didn't tell us he was coming, and nobody spotted him in the restaurant.
I've had half the maitre d's in London calling upto crow.
All I'll say at the moment is it's nothing to be worried about.
One poor review...
One dreadful review!
One duff review from Mr Crawfield really isn't the end of the world.
just the end of people booking into our restaurant, which is rapidly resembling the Marie Celeste.
Come Valentine's night tomorrow, it'lljust be Gino and myself holding hands over an avocado mousse!
I've had worse evenings.
This is the one night that makes up for all the crappy February nights in the dining room.
It's Emily's job to have seen it coming.
Hi.
Are you still there?
The last time Crawfield awarded a one star review, that Asian fusion place in Chelsea closed within a week.
Hi!
Sorry I'm late.
God, have you seen this?
ALL: Yes!
0h.
Good.
Well then let me get you up to speed with my thoughts about the chef problem.
Chef problem?
I wasn't aware we had one.
When Alexander Crawfield says that our steak is as tough as a hoodie's trainer, we have a problem with whoever cooked the food.
A sous chef cooked it.
Then we have a problem with the person who allowed it to be served.
Would you pass these round, please?
So, I've been talking to a few people and I think I have come up with a solution.
Really?
We bring in a celebrity chef with Michelin stars.
The figures make sense.
If you could all turn to page two please.
This line is 'takings' and this is 'time'.
This is The Burlington.
This is The Burlington after they hired jacques Salavert.
Takings went up over 65% over two months.
Where did you get all of this from?
Let'sjust say I have a friend.
So, if we take away the money a celebrity chef earns for putting their name above the door, plus the 25% they get on all takings, and the 80,000 for a head chef to do the actual cooking while they're swanning around on TV, then our profit margin should look something like...
..this.
0h...
Sorry.
It's still a bit rough around the edges.
Well, thank you, Emily, for your thoughts.
Thank you.
However, we already have a chef here that's been working here for eight years.
And got the hotel out of many a tight spot.
Adam's a talented chef, and talented chefs don't lose it overnight.
Charlie, Adam's been losing it for months.
I'll be investigating what's happened and I will have the situation under control.
Is that understood?
Perfectly understood, Charlie.
Right, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so let's forget about the reviews and pull out all the stops to make it a great one for the hotel.
Thank you, everyone.
Anna, could you stay behind a moment?
Yeah, of course.
It's very sweet of her Royal Highness to offer us a box for the duration of the tournament, but I'm afraid we're otherwise engaged.
Please pass on our apologies to her private secretary.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning, madam.
I believe you have a booking in the name of Hamilton?
Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton.
In town for Valentine's Day?
Actually, no.
You're in the Hanging Gardens Suite.
Your special requests are ready and waiting for you.
Excellent.
If you'd just give us our key.
Oh, just one moment, madam.
Do excuse me.
0f course.
This week?
In the evenings.
Possibly after...
After...
Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton are here.
Good.
Excellent.
Who?
Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton.
The computer said you wanted to be told when they arrived.
Yes, I did, and you've done that.
Thank you, Ben.
Very good.
And that's exactly what I was talking to Anna about.
Right.
????????????????
???What are you talking about?
I did want to talk to you about them.
They're phenomenally well-connected, the type I want in the hotel.
Actually they normally stay at The Arden.
I want you to look after them and see to it that they have everything before they've even finished asking for it.
Really, me?
You are ready for a little bit more responsibility.
And seeing as though we work so well together.
..
You won't regret it.
Oh, you can count on me!
Well, I hope so, because I am.
OK.
Sixty, madam?
But you don't look a day over...
42.
Sweet boy.
The 60th birthday is Sir Ralph's.
Many happy returns, Sir Ralph.
0h, thank you.
Thank you, Ben, I shall take over from here.
Good morning, Lady Hamilton.,Sir Ralph.
I'm Anna Thornton-Wilton, Special Guest Relations Manager, and I shall be looking after you throughout your stay.
I'll organise your menus, booking your cars and beauty treatments, and liaising between you and our staff.
Wonderful.
Excellent.
Wonderful.
Excellent.
Since when?
Since Charlie just asked me to, so back off.
So if I could take you through the vulgarity that is swiping a credit card?
0h, by the way, this is my son, Giles.
How do you do?
And will you be joining your parents for dinner tomorrow evening?
joining us?
We can't get rid ofthe boy!
Is that your broomstick parked outside on a double yellow, Mother?
I'm Charlie Edwards, the General Manager.
How do you do?
It's a pleasure to welcome you to Hotel Babylon.
Thank you.
It's quite an establishment you have here.
Thank you, sir.
Your staff are charming.
Anything you want, Anna will get it for you.
Anything?
Within reason, ofcourse.
Great.
Thank you very much.
0h, thank you so much, that would be so absolutely brilliant.
Yes, you're a life saver, and I promise you you will love this place.
OK.
Will do.
Bye.
Adam...
Don't bring that rag in here.
We're gonna have to talk about this.
There's nothing to talk about!
???The most feared restaurant critic in London hasjust royally kicked our arses.
It was a bad night.
No that is the problem it was an absolutely ordinary night.
We were light on diners.
There is no excuse.
I've got problems at home.
But I am trying to sort things out.
I want to hear that this is never happen again.
I'm under immense pressure to deliver like this hotel has never delivered before.
OK, OK.
Message received loud and clear boss .
Taking the piss isn't gonna help.
Where are the Valentine's menu?
Yeah, I'm working on them.
Come on, I asked you for them three days ago.
Give me a break here.
I'm not your mate.
I'm your manager.
It wasn't so long ago that you came to me as a mate when you needed a 12-course tasting for the japanese Ambassador, on top of a last-minute wedding for 300 people.
Well, that was then and this is now.
I really, really need you to take what I'm saying seriously.
OK.
This review, it ruins business and puts the hotel in a state of crisis.
There's whispers of all sorts flying around upstairs.
Now I'll deal with that, but be under no illusion the heat is most definitely on.
Have a romantic stay.
Here's hoping!
There's nothing like dropping a bit of cash to get you in the mood.
She's only after one thing.
Really?
A ring.
He's also only after one thing.
Shame it isn't the same thing.
Nice to see someone's busy.
I'm managing six proposals, three anniversaries and a golden wedding.
Well, we're about as popular as a hosepipe ban at a wet T-shirt competition.
Really?
How many bookings you got?
Three?!
Don't say it out loud, I might have to cry.
Good morning.
How can I help you?
Hi there.
William jones and Becky Shawcross.
Ah, here we are.
A double...
with, um, twin beds?
That's right.
Oh, OK?
We're abstainers.
Abstaining from?
Sex before marriage.
We're saving ourselves until we go down the aisle.
Love waits.
0f course it does.
Room 235.
0n the second floor.
The lift's over there.
Have a...
quiet stay.
Peace be with you, brother.
And also with you.
Perfume.
If this is a code word, you have to tell me what it's for before you use it.
No, Ijust thought a bloke in your position might know what the latest smell is out on the street.
It's been ages since I bought anything.
OK.
Is it for a bird?
A little bit more than a bird.
I spy with my little eye, someone beginning with 'A'.
What you talking about?
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Leave it with me.
Emily, what can I do for you?
Gino, I need a bottle of your finest bubbles sent upto Sir Ralph and Lady Amelia in the Hanging Gardens Suite.
Pronto, Gino!
Oh, my God, it's...
Otto Clark.
What's he doing here?
Argh!
Mr Otto Clark!
What a pleasure it is to see you.
How...?
How can I help you?
I have a meeting with Emily james and someone called Charlie Edwards.
I can't believe that y0u've done this.
Charlie, when are you going to realise that I'm not the enemy?
Otto Clark single-handedly put the Chesterton back on the map.
I wasn't aware we were off the map.
Well, we're not off the map, exactly.
But we're hardly a visible destination.
Publicity follows Otto around, like, like WAGS at a football match.
I thought you should meet him, which is why.
..I asked him to drop by.
The cavalry, as they say in horsey circles, has arrived.
You must be Charlie.
Otto Clark.
You've probably seen me talking bollocks on the telly.
But don't be fooled, I can actually cook.
Your reputation precedes you.
Well, the amount I pay my publicist I should hope so.
I'm afraid y0u've had a wasted journey, Mr Clarke.
I already have an executive chef.
Yes.
He's the talk ofthe town.
I don't think that's fair.
Charlie, if only you'd try some...
Thank you, Emily.
I really don't need another chef, Otto.
Adam Price is excellent at his job.
Yes.
Now if you're not interested in turning this place around, having the critics salivating round the block for a table, well then I can only say I admire your loyalty.
And this Adam Price is a lucky chap to have it.
Arrivederci, sweetheart.
Maybe next time.
Er...
A cook-off!
What?
0tto's Valentine's day menu against Adam's.
The best man gets the job.
I'm sure Mr Clarke has better things to do with his time.
0n the contrary.
I'm a sucker for a competition.
You're joking?
Look at this face.
You don't need me?
You will eat my food, Charlie, swiftly followed by your words.
Roses for room 323 and lilies for 360.
jesus, look - porn stars, 12 o'clock!
What?
Where?
At reception.
The guy looks like a Tandoori dish, and the girl with the spray-on micro-skirt.
You sad old sexist.just cos a girl has tits and a tan you think she works in porn.
I don't think, jackie.
I know.
These days porn is a suburban housewife being plumbed by a plumber on a Draylon sofa.
I had no idea you were an aficionado.
just cos I'm a single mum doesn't mean all my evenings are bubble baths and bedtime stories.
Have you seen the porn stars?
If he thinks they're porn stars, they ARE porn stars.
You two are pathetic.They look nothing like sex industry workers.
Porn stars.
Hey, if those two are not taking photos of each other within five minutes, I will buy a black leather cap, you know, with studs around the brim, and eat it.
KNOCK AT DOOR Champagne!
How very kind.
Now also...
Don Perignon '96.
Oh, how delicious.
Do stay for a glass.
I'm afraid I'm on duty.
But also...
Giles, pour Anna a glass of this wonderful champagne.
0f course.
Well, if you insist.
Thank you.
Try not to let the bubbles get up your nose.
Now I also took the liberty of ringing the Arden, where you usually stay.
0h, thank you.
Wonderful hotel but for its spa.
They claim their deep-cleansing mud heralds from the Dead Sea, .
but I know for a fact it comes from a hole in the ground on the outskirts of Coventry Well, they told me that you have a dust allergy.
So I wondered if you'd prefer bedding made of Amicor pure fibres?
That sounds perfect.
Thank you.
You're wasted on Reception.
Yes, yes, I am.
I also wanted to check you received the gifts that you pre-ordered.
Right down to the velvet box of Aspreys' goodies.
I can hear you, Amelia!
She's going to ruin my surprise.
Well, I'm glad that everything's to your satisfaction.
Such a treasure.
Thornton-Wilton, you say.
Not connected to the Surrey Thornton-Wiltons by any chance?
Well, yes, as you happen to mention it.
I knew it!
Do you see Bunny frequently?
Bunny?
Funny you should say that because we, erm, occasionally holiday in the Seychelles together.
How marvellous!
We both adore to snorkel.
Bunny can hold her breath for up to six minutes, whereas I can only manage one and a half.
Remarkable.
One yearl got my foot trapped in a giant clam.
You idiot!
Pick them up!
Season.
What are we doing here exactly?
Learning that there is, after all, something as a free lunch.
We're here to lend Adam moral support, and at the same time hope that flash bastard off the telly screws up.
The smart money's on Otto cos he always doing The Richard and The judy.
Well, I'm supporting Adam.
How about you?
I'm supporting whoever makes the restaurant full and bring heavy tippers to my bar.
Hear, hear.
Shall we start?
Yes.
0h, that looks wonderful.
OK, talk me through this.
We've got prawns poached in absinthe, in baskets of parsnip rosti with a tomato and cucumber coulis, and a salmon timbale salad.
Sounds interesting.
Otto?
It's a tuna carpaccio.
Anything else?
With ingredients this good anything else would be superfluous.
0h, absolutely.
DISPLAYS OF MEDIOCRE ENj0YMENT DISPLAYS OF PURE ENj0YMENT Gorgeous.
Salmon fillet pan-fried in cognac with a dill and butterjus and croquette potatoes, and pickled beetroot compote.
The salmon looks good.
I'm a big fan of compote.
This, as you're probably aware, is my signature dish - lobster ravioli with a foie gras mousseline sauce.
It's very famous and utterly delicious.
Oh, salmon's good.
So filling.
Mmm!
Mmm, God!
Oh, that's good.
Oh, actually, that's very good.
Both look, er, great.
I think someone opened and slammed closed the oven door while mine was cooking.
Mmm.
What, um, is that meant to be?
It's a chocolate pot.
It tastes better than it looks.
I'm sure.
And yours, Otto, I can tell on sight is a tarte au citron.
The lemons were flown in from Sicily this morning.
I can smell the groves from here.
Gorgeous.
Charlie, would you like to do the honours?
Sure.
Well?
Chocolatey?
And now 0tto's.
I must say, I'm really not a pudding type person.
That is amazing.
That is unbelievable.
You should get stuck into that.
Mmm!
That should be illegal.
Mmm.
0h my God!
So, what do you think of 0tto's menu?
As expected, superb.
Good enough for tomorrow night?
Perhaps.
Eight years he's given this place.
Tony, it's a question of business.
Old Charlie would have said it's a question of loyalty.
Well, done, darling, you were marvellous.
I'm sorry, Adam.
Yeah, so am I.
So is my wife, my children, and my bank manager.
I'm not asking you to leave.
I'm saying stay and be 0tto's number two.
I'll need somebody who can manage the day-to-day.
You know the kitchens, the team know you...
Fine!
Fine.
It is a demotion.
I understand that you...
Spare me the concerned boss's spiel, OK?
I said fine.
'Fine' means you don't have to keep talking at me.
'Fine' means I'll eat shit if that's what you want, so long as you shut the hell up!
I've been thinking.
What if the porno stars are actually filming upstairs in the room?
How many times do I have to say it?
They're NOT porn stars.
But if they are, and Charlie finds out that they are filming, he's going to be extremely pissed off.
So?
So I think I should do some special undercover Gino operation to find out if they actually are in the bang-bang business.
What undercover operation?
Research on the computer.
By which you mean watching lots and lots of porn until you recognise them?
Yeah, I know, but I'm prepared to do it for the name of the hotel.
Right.
Oh, Anna?
The pillows in the suite.
Yes, would you like more?
No.
They're filled with duck feathers.
Yes.
Sir Ralph can only sleep on goose.
Goose.
Right, OK.
I'll see to that straight away.
Thank you.
0h, do sit down a moment.
..Giles...
Thanks.
You know, I suddenly remembered.
Bunny Thornton-Wilton was there when I first met Sir Ralph.
Really?
Yes.
We'd broken down by the side ofthe road, so I tried flagging down some assistance.
Suddenly, a jaguar pulled onto the hard shoulder and out stepped Sir Ralph.
Lithe as a panther.
Bunny practically creamed herself...
Well, Bunny always has been a bit of a...
A creamer.
Thousands drove by, but Ralph stopped.
Within minutes he had changed my tyre and my life.
Six weeks later we were wed.
I came along almost nine months to the day.
Well, that can happen when you mix Monsieur Veuve and Clicquot with a four-poster bed in a French chateau!
TH EY CH UCKLE Pavlov's dog's got nothing on that girl when it comes to a whiff of money and class.
So did you not think of having any more children?
0h, I'd have loved more.
But after Giles, Sir Ralph's sperm count plunged through the floor, and that was that.
Sorry.
Don't be.
I proved more than a handful.
Oh!
Oh, dear.
Allow me.
0h, thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Good evening, Lady Hamilton.
I trust everything is to your satisfaction?
Difficult to imagine how it could be more so.
Anna?
I think you should get back behind reception.
Ben's rushed off his feet.
But I thought you wanted me to look after...
Now!
OK.
Sorry, excuse me a moment.
If there's anything else you need during the duration of your stay, please do not hesitate to contact me.
0f course, we will.
Thank you.
See, I told you they were filming themselves.
It's live.
I've been watching the webs.
Have you been doing this all night?
Yeah.
It's been difficult but, you know, for the good of the hotel...
Right.
Gino.
We all know that's not a broken arm, it's a sprained wrist.
I'm right handed.
I knew that spray-tanned twosome were dodgy, soon as I saw them.
Can we tell if it's definitely their room?
It's difficult to say.
The camera's way too.
..
Whoah!
Waaay, way too close.
This is not good.
0f course it's not good.
Look where he's put his...
That is his foot, isn't it?
The last thing we need right now is to be known as The Porn Hotel.
Bloody hell!
The reverse cowgirl position.
A position to be attempted by only the very, very bendy.
Oh, so it has a name?
They all have names.
We need one of them to take their masks off so we can be absolutely certain it's them.
Who needs faces when the body art tells you everything you need to know?
Boys, boys, boys...
0h, it's not what it looks.
Tut, tut, tut.
Anna, we would very much like to have breakfast in our room tomorrow morning.
Anna?
Oh!
Sorry?
Everything all right?
Yes, no, everything's great.
Erm...
Er...
You want breakfast in your room tomorrow at...
In my experience, a face like that is caused by one of two things.
Either a man, or a man.
One minute he's being lovely, the next he's a complete and utter bugger.
But the thing is...
You don't know what you did to change things.
And do you know why?
Why?
Because you didn't do anything.
It isn't YOU.
Because in the short time we've spent together I can see you're open, kind, and very, very lovely.
Yes, well, alll need now is a car in which to break down on the M25, so I can find my own Sir Ralph.
Look, why don't you help me on my shopping trip tomorrow?
My monthly splurge on Sir Ralph's account.
0h, I couldn't.
If I don't spend it, he'll only have to give it to the taxman.
0h, we can't have that.
Course not!
0h, boss - you know that perfume you asked me about earlier.
I've managed to find this very lovely...
Forget about it.
Doesn't look like I'm gonna be needing it after all.
What, you gone off her already?
Listen, I want you to make that sale whatever happens, all right?
What a cock!
I will personally guarantee you have a fabulous evening...
May I have your complete attention, please?
Good morning, everyone.
My name is Otto Clark and, for reasons I think we are all aware, I am your new Executive Chef.
Do not make the mistake that in my kitchen I am the genial tit you have seen on the gogglebox.
I do the genial tit on the gogglebox for the profile it brings my restaurants, full stop.
I am all about the food, and all about business.
One begats the other and both of them begot me my Michelin stars.
My staff tend to call me The Assassin, and if I see that you are no damn good, I'll come up behind you and you'll be asked to get your things and leave.
So.
..
If you are feeling shit, tell me.
If you are in the shit, tell me.
If you are shit, well, then do us both a favour and slip away now before I find you out.
Now, I have taken the liberty of ordering us some new whites.
So find a set that fits quickly, because we have less than twelve hours to turn disaster into triumph.
To do that, I need all hands on deck and all egos - except mine - left at the door!
ALL: Yes, Chef.
I'm sorry, did someone speak?
ALL: YES CHEF!
Better.
Right.
Let's get cooking!
So, he is here already?
Arrived this morning.
In the biggest penis substitute I've ever seen.
Who cares?
Word's out already and my phone's dripping with bookings.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
Cards...
From me to you!
Don't take this the wrong way, Emily, but aren't Valentine's cards supposed to be anonymous?
Well, they are if they're serious.
But this isjust a bit of fun.
Fun, guys.
To elicit smiling.
Very popular with the happy.
I am happy cos I have a secret admirer.
I have the evidence here.
Ah, so which poor, deluded, presumably blind female sent you that?
I have a sneak feeling that it is the new sexy chambermaid.
Who?
Katya?
She's fit, eh?
She's a lesbian.
ALL SNIGGER AND LAUGH jackie, did you get any cards?
just one.
But it did come with these.
Anna?
No.
No, not yet.
Charlie?
Ooh, look.
Here's one without a stamp...
0h, and kisses.
Come on, who's that from?
No idea.
Thank you.
0h, bit of news.
I've managed to persuade Alexander Crawfield to come back and give the restaurant another shot.
What?!
When?
Tonight.
Tonight?
Talk about piling on the pressure!
Well, Alexander Crawfield wrote us into this mess, we make sure he gets everything he needs to write us out.
Looks like it's all hands to the pump, then.
Well, my hands are reserved for carrying shopping.
What shopping?
Lady Amelia asked me to accompany her on a spree.
Is that OK?
With Giles?
I don't think so.
Can I go?
Enjoy.
Great.
Look, I know it's the shortest of short notices, but I have absolute faith that Otto can pull this off.
Well, with less than twelve hours to prepare and a kitchen he's never worked with before, buckle yourselves in, cos we're in for a shit storm.
Why are these still here when they haven't been fresh since last Saturday?
Oh, for G0d's sake, Adam.
You know as well as I do these need to be cleaned every week!
Christ, something just moved!
That was for six people, wasn't it?
Could you just hold for one second?
Thank you.
Is that a table for two?
I'm afraid I can only do 8.30...
It's curdled, so bin it and start again.
Yes, that was a table for six?
Yes, that's confirmed.
Great, fine.
And your name?
I've had enough, darling.
Anna, this is for you.
What?
For all your help.
I insist.
Here...
Oh, Lady Amelia.
Giles is a handsome chap, but necklaces really aren't his thing.
Oh!
Oh, it's adorable.
As are you.
But I can't accept it.
Anna.
No.
As much as I would love to, it would be totally unprofessional.
But thank you so much for the thought.
You really are quite a remarkable little thing, aren't you?
It's nice that someone notices.
Thank you.
Right then, where next?
Cocktails!
Great!
Do these say, 'Otto Clark'?
No, they say 'Inoffensive modernism.
' Change them.
To what?
Well...
Something better, obviously!
More inoffensive, or more modern?
I think we should put Alexander Crawfield in the middle.
No, this'll be next to that boring bloke from the Sunday Times.
The corner is much better.
0h, no.
No, that's near the kitchen.
He hates to sit near the kitchen.
Didn't you know that?
In a couple of hours, people are going to be queuing up to eat here.
God knows I'm grateful to you for that, Emily.
But I am the Restaurant Manager, while you are PR.
I'll stay out of your photo shoots if you stay out of my restaurant.
Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the nearest drugstore?
I'm looking for some baby oil.
Baby oil?
Yeah, you know, baby oil.
Yeah, yeah.
I know what baby oil is for.
Vaseline would be equally as good.
Oh, my God...
..0h, jackie!
Hi!
Can I borrow you for a second, please?
Yeah.
Mr Arden here would like some baby oil and, er, Vaseline.
OR Vaseline.
Please move this couple away from the Christians now!
Let me direct you to the nearest chemist.
It's probably best if we step outside.
Can I be of any help?
We were just interested in the time ofthe evening service at St George's, Hanover Square.
0f course.
I'll find out and have the details sent straight up to you.
Bless you.
Bless you!
Phew!
Aha!
I see you two have been pushing the materialist envelope.
I won't tell you how much I've spent.
I bought Anna a beautiful necklace but she won't accept it.
Oh!
Oh!
It fair restores my withering faith in human nature.
Anna, why don't you join us for a drink before dinner this evening?
Oh, no.
I wouldn't want to intrude.
0h, stop that!
Come at seven.
Don't be late.
Oh, OK!
Pull this off, it'll be a miracle.
0h, ye of little faith.
How's it all going?
Swimming along.
We're one stroke ahead of calamity, but we're getting there.
Excellent.
Keep up the good work!
That's the fourth time y0u've tasted it.
And I'll continue to do so until you get it right.
It's perfect.
Veal has a delicate flavour, which you have completely swamped.
Bollocks!
You've over-seasoned it.
It's a tendency of chefs who have lost the plot.
I have not lost the plot, I've just hit.
..
You had your chance and you blew it.
Now, I've got 175 covers coming through a door with my name over it.
Yeah, don't I know it?
Yourjob is to do as I tell you, not to burn with resentment while you wallow in self-pity, yes?
Yes.
Yes, Chef.
Screw you!
Hello?
I trust he's not going to be taking business calls all night?
I think he's upto something, it being Valentine's night and everything.
Finger's crossed it's a rock the size of Gibraltar!
Action stations, action stations.
Crawfield is in the building.
Repeat, Crawfield is in the building.
TELEPHONE RINGS Hello?
He's here.
'I'm on my way.
' Ring Charlie and let him know.
It's such a pleasure to have your company again, Mr Crawfield.
If there's anything you require, anything at all, you can be assured of my personal attention at all times.
just a seat and a menu will be sufficient for now.
Yes, ofcourse.
Good evening, Mr Crawfield.
Thank you for coming back so swiftly and giving us an opportunity to correct what I personally feel was an...
An erroneous first impression.
Let's hope your golden boy can spin a little magic onto your plates.
Two disgusting dinners in a row and I'll savage you so hard you won't be able to flog so much as a packet of crisps.
Really?
I'm sure you'll find our menu is much improved.
Genius in the kitchen must be matched by style on the restaurant floor.
As I remember, last time, the service was about as slick as dry toast.
May I take your coats?
If you'd like to come this way.
Would this table suit?
I think that one's a little more discrete.
Alexander has put on show all the time, it's such a bore.
0f course.
Alexander!
How are we tonight?
Better for seeing you.
They must be hugging themselves with glee to have someone of your calibre.
I hope you've left your fangs in a little box at home.
I always keep a spare set on me.
One never knows quite how tough the filet mignon will be.
Your menu, madam.
Sir.
Excuse me.
You must try the lobster ravioli.
Anything will be better than the road killl had last week.
Oh, Alexander, you promised to be nice.
He only promised to 'try'.
That's less a ravioli and more a lady's handbag.
I want them nice and tight.
Yes, Chef.
Tim, what are you doing?
Tasting, Chef.
If it's the second time, it's not tasting, it's eating the profits!
Now swallow and get back to work!
And that goes for all of you!
ALL: Yes, Chef!
Unbelievable...
Mmm - nice!
Why are you still here?
One has been invited for pre-prandial drinks with Sir Ralph and Lady Amelia.
Lucky old one!
Not in my official capacity, but as a family friend.
Cos they obviously recognise good breeding.
You know, Gino and Tony can recognise breeding.
At least, they can recognise people trying to breed.
PHONE RINGS It's for you!
Going somewhere nice?
I've got drinks with the Hamiltons.
Well, I hope the outfit pays off.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Nothing at all...
OK, nine tables seated and Crawfield ready and waiting for your very best shot!
Everything's under control.
I could do with a head chef, though.
Where is he?
No idea.
Sulky bastard minced off about an hour ago.
How come?
Why do people walk away?
Because they can't face the truth.
Crawfield's table wants one lobster ravioli to start and one tuna carpaccio.
I want one lobster and one tuna!
I want them quick and I want them to die for!
ALL: Yes, Chef!
jesus Christ!
Where's he going?
Sorry, Chef.
It's the lobster!
What do you mean it's the lobster?!
Urgh!
How do you know it's the lobster?
It's the only thing I've eaten all day, Chef.
I'm sweating hot and cold with an arse like a tap.
Seafood poisoning.
But how can it be off if it was alive at 2 o'clock this afternoon?
Lobster?
Yes, Chef!
Bloody disaster!
The little shit!
He's used the lobster that should have been chucked three days ago!
Now hold on a second...
He's sabotaged me, Charlie.
Your grill-jockey wants to take me and you and this entire hotel down with him!
Hang 0|鈥橧..�?
james!
IN SLOW MOTION: Oh God!
Didn't I tell you?
That's the order for table eight!
I promise it'll be worth the wait.
God Almighty could zap through a signature dish and it wouldn't be worth this wait.
In case you need telling, we are now officially in the shit!
Three men down and seven minutes to get these dishes out before the customers start walking.
This is where you earn your testicles, gentlemen!
Yes, Chef!
You - sauce.
You - new lobster.
Have you ever made pasta?
Yeah.
From scratch?
Couple of times.
You show him how.
Yes, Chef!
Hello?
'All that glistens is not gold.
'Except pure gold.
Stay pure, sweet Anna.
'Lady A'.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Come again soon.
Who knows?
We may well do that.
All set, 'Daddy'?
Do me a favour button it till we're out of here.
I think I can help you with that.
Oh, can't you two wait?
You know your trouble, Derek?
IN A COMMON ACCENT: You worry too much about appearances.
Har, bloody har!
Have they gone?!
Who?
The Hamiltons.
just got this for seeing them off.
Why?
Why?!
Because I think they've cleaned us out, that's why!
Their room is empty.
Everything they'd charged to the room has gone.
All the shopping, everything.
Oh, the credit card slip!
0h my God.
How am I going to tell Charlie?
Give me that!
Have you heard the rumour that jacques Salavert has checked into rehab?
Please stay.
I said rare!
How much longer?
Nearly there.
Go, go!
Running, running, running.
Your starter, Sir.
Thank you.
Madam.
And I am terribly sorry for the delay.
Perhaps this was worth the wait.
How's your carpaccio?
Quite wonderful.
You're just gonna laugh and laugh when I tell you how the Hamiltons are not the Hamiltons and how they ripped off the hotel to the tune of approximately ?,000.
They've done what?
Ripped off the hotel to the tune of approximately?,000.
Ha ha ha!
See, you're not laughing.
How?
Everything they bought during their stay they charged to their room and they've done a runner.
They did leave this, though.
Lady Amelia wanted me to have it but I said that I didn't want it.
I think it's worth?000.
0h, excellent.
So I've only got to explain to the board why I need to write off ?,000?!
Well, actually they tipped Ben for loading their car, so it's ?,950.
You checked their card?
Yeah, but presumably it was cloned shortly before we swiped it and now it's blocked.
Did you not you notice anything suspicious?
No, cos they were professional con artists.
I was conned.
Or were you so taken in by Giles that you didn't look further than his pedigree?
You told me to look after them.
I was working!
Working it more like.
Screw you.
He likes it, he likes it, he bloody likes it!
THEY CHEER Crawfield likes us!
That's great, james.
Really great.
Can we have the tab, please?
You'd be amazed how many hankies I get through on Valentine's.
I feel like such an idiot.
Here.
Call your girlfriends up for a night out tomorrow, spray yourself with this and celebrate being single.
Cos I have a very strong suspicion it won't be for very long.
SHE SOBS That'