Show: Black Adder - 4x6
{457}{539}Ready, march!
{814}{930}Eyes...
right!
{1055}{1136}Eyes, right!
{1403}{1438}Care for a smoke, sir?
{1442}{1470}No, thank you.
{1474}{1569}- Private?|- Thank you, sir.
{1609}{1673}Oh, dash and blast|all this hanging about, sir.
{1676}{1730}I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol!
{1733}{1771}When are we gonna see some action?!
{1775}{1819}Well, George, I strongly suspect {1823}{1864}that your long wait for certain death {1868}{1901}is nearly at an end.
{1906}{1945}Surely you must have|noticed something in the air.
{1949}{1976}Well, of course, {1981}{2029}but I thought that was Private Baldrick.
{2032}{2062}Unless I'm very much mistaken, {2067}{2137}soon we will at last|be making the final big push, {2140}{2184}that one we've been so looking forward to {2188}{2213}all these years.
{2217}{2279}Well, hurrah with highly-polished|brass knobs on!
{2283}{2306}About time!
{2453}{2497}Hello.
The Somme public baths.
{2501}{2574}No, running, shouting,|or piddling in the shallow end.
{2577}{2659}Ah, Captain Darling.
{2661}{2697}Tomorrow at dawn.
{2701}{2745}Oh, excellent!
{2749}{2838}See you later, then.
Bye.
{2840}{2892}Gentlemen, our long wait|is nearly at an end.
{2896}{2969}Tomorrow morning|General "Insanity" Melchett {2972}{3007}invites you to a mass slaughter.
{3011}{3064}We're going over the top.
{3068}{3114}Well, huzzah and hurrah!
{3117}{3165}God save the King, rule Britannia, {3169}{3215}and boo sucks to Harry Hun!
{3219}{3286}Or, to put it more precisely,|you're going over the top, {3289}{3322}I'm getting out of here.
{3326}{3350}Oh, come on, Cap!
{3355}{3400}It may be a bit risky, {3404}{3453}but it's sure as|bloomin' hell worth it, Gov'nor.
{3457}{3510}How can it possibly be worth it?
{3513}{3569}We've been sitting here|since Christmas, 1914, {3573}{3613}during which millions of men have died, {3617}{3662}and we've advanced no further than {3666}{3733}an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.
{3736}{3851}No, but this time I'm absolutely pos'|we'll break through.
{3852}{3923}It's ice cream in Berlin in 15 days.
{3926}{3988}Or ice-cold in No-Man's-Land in 15 seconds.
{3991}{4060}No, the time has come|to get out of this madness {4063}{4085}once and for all.
{4089}{4137}What madness is that?
{4141}{4169}For God's sake, George, {4174}{4202}how long have you been|in the Army?
{4206}{4242}What, me?
I joined up|straightaway, sir.
{4247}{4299}August the 4th, 1914.
{4302}{4336}Ah, what a day that was.
{4341}{4374}Myself and the rest of the fellows, {4378}{4426}leapfrogging down to|the Cambridge recruiting office {4430}{4491}and then playing tiddlywinks in the queue.
{4494}{4538}We'd hammered Oxford's tiddlywinkers {4542}{4580}only the week before, and there we were, {4584}{4633}off to hammer the Bosche.
{4637}{4678}A crashingly superb bunch of blokes...
{4682}{4750}fine, clean-limbed...
{4753}{4827}even our acne had|a strange nobility about it.
{4830}{4897}Yes, and how are all the boys now?
{4900}{4934}Well, ah, Jocko and the Badger {4938}{4974}bought it at the First Ypres run,|unfortunately.
{4978}{5019}What a shock, that.
{5023}{5063}I remember Bumfluff's housemaster {5067}{5088}wrote and told me that {5093}{5138}Sticky had been out for a duck, {5142}{5197}and the gubber had snitched|a parcel sausage end {5201}{5262}and gone goose over stumps frog side.
{5265}{5289}Meaning?
{5294}{5404}I don't know, sir, but I read in the "Times"|that they'd both been killed.
{5405}{5449}And Bumfluff himself?
{5453}{5501}Copped a packet|at Gallipoli with the Aussies.
{5504}{5594}So did Drippy and Strangely Brown.
{5596}{5647}I remember we heard {5651}{5686}on the first morning of the Somme, {5690}{5746}when Titch and Mr.
Floppy|got gassed back to Blighty.
{5750}{5770}Which leaves?
{5775}{5810}Gosh, yes, I...
{5814}{5933}I suppose I'm the only one|of the Trinity Tiddlers still alive.
{5934}{5979}Blimey, there's a thought, and not a jolly one.
{5983}{6007}My point exactly, George.
{6012}{6050}A chap might get a bit mis' {6054}{6121}if it wasn't for the thought of|going over the top tomorrow!
{6124}{6160}Right, sir.
Permission to get weaving.
{6164}{6203}- Permission granted.|- Thank you, sir.
{6207}{6240}- Baldrick!|- Captain B.
{6244}{6294}This is a crisis...
a large crisis.
{6298}{6341}In fact, if you've got a moment, {6345}{6410}it's a 12-story crisis with|a magnificent entrance hall, {6413}{6479}carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage, {6482}{6519}and an enormous sign on the roof {6523}{6586}saying, "This is a large crisis".
{6590}{6644}And a large crisis requires a large plan.
{6647}{6748}Get me two pencils|and a pair of underpants.
{6750}{6785}Right, Baldrick.
{6789}{6864}This is an old trick I picked up in the Sudan.
{6867}{6907}We tell HQ that I've gone insane, {6911}{6966}and I will be invalided back to Blighty {6969}{7031}before you can say "wibble"...
{7034}{7094}a poor, gormless idiot.
{7098}{7138}Well, I'm a poor, gormless idiot, sir, {7142}{7197}and I've never been invalided back to Blighty.
{7200}{7223}Yes, Baldrick, {7228}{7272}but you never said "wibble."
{7276}{7319}Now, ask me some simple questions.
{7323}{7343}All right.
{7348}{7388}What is your name?
{7392}{7419}Wibble.
{7424}{7474}What is two plus two?
{7477}{7511}Wibble, wibble.
{7516}{7554}Where do you live?
{7558}{7590}- London.|- Eh?
{7594}{7628}A small village on Mars, {7633}{7660}just outside the capital city...
{7664}{7703}...Wibble.
{7707}{7751}All the men present and correct, sir.
{7755}{7774}Ready for the off, eh!
{7779}{7807}I'm afraid not, Lieutenant.
{7812}{7893}I'm just off to Hartlepool|to buy some exploding trousers.
{7895}{7924}Come again, sir?
{7929}{7984}Have you gone barking mad?
{7987}{8014}Yes, George, I have.
{8019}{8051}Cluck-cluck, gibber-gibber, {8055}{8084}my old man's a mushroom, etcetera.
{8089}{8138}Go send a runner to tell General Melchett {8142}{8184}that your Captain has gone insane {8188}{8230}and must return to England at once.
{8234}{8274}But, sir, how utterly ghastly for you!
{8278}{8352}I mean, you'll miss|the whole rest of the war!
{8354}{8390}Yes, very bad luck.
Beep!
{8395}{8418}Right.
{8422}{8455}Beep!
{8460}{8502}Now Baldrick, I'll be back as soon as I can.
{8506}{8550}Pap-pa.
{8554}{8665}Whatever you do, don't excite him.
{8666}{8704}Fat chance.
{8708}{8753}Now, all we have to do is wait.
{8757}{8803}Baldrick, fix us some coffee, will you?
{8807}{8852}And try to make it taste {8856}{8896}slightly less like mud this time.
{8900}{8928}Not easy, I'm afraid, Captain.
{8932}{8993}- Why is this?|- 'Cause it "is" mud.
{8997}{9053}We ran out of coffee 13 months ago.
{9056}{9098}So every time I've drunk your coffee since, {9102}{9166}I have in fact been drinking hot mud.
{9169}{9204}With sugar.
{9208}{9275}Which of course makes all the difference.
{9278}{9326}Well, it would do if we had any sugar, {9330}{9409}but unfortunately,|we ran out New Year's Eve, 1915, {9412}{9503}since when I've been using sugar substitute.
{9505}{9527}Which is?
{9532}{9619}Dandruff.
{9629}{9668}Brilliant.
{9672}{9728}Still, I could add some milk this time.
{9732}{9782}Well, saliva.
{9786}{9812}No...
{9816}{9860}No thank you, Baldrick.
{9864}{9940}Call me "Mr.
Picky", but I think I'll cancel.
{9943}{10004}That's probably 'cause you're mad, sir!
{10007}{10074}Well, quite.
{10077}{10117}Well, it didn't go down|at all well, I'm afraid, sir.
{10121}{10164}Captain Darling said|they'd be along directly, {10168}{10226}But, well, you'd better be|pretty damn doolally.
{10229}{10299}Don't worry, George, I am...
okay, okay.
{10302}{10345}When they get here I'll show them {10349}{10422}what totally and utterly bonkerooni means.
{10425}{10475}Till then, there's bugger-all to do {10479}{10502}except sit and wait.
{10506}{10532}Oh, I don't know, sir.
{10537}{10579}We could have a jolly game of charades.
{10583}{10600}Ooh, yes!
{10605}{10651}And sing along with musical hits, {10655}{10686}like "Birmingham Bertie", {10691}{10784}and "Whoops, Mrs.
Miggins,|You're Sitting On My Artichokes."
{10785}{10900}Yes, I think bugger-all|might be rather more fun.
{10909}{10952}Permission to ask a question, sir.
{10956}{10995}Permission granted, Baldrick, {10999}{11072}as long as it isn't the one|about where babies come from.
{11075}{11134}No.
The thing is, the way I see it, {11137}{11194}these days there's a war on, right?
{11198}{11280}And ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right?
{11282}{11325}So there must have been a moment {11329}{11405}when there-not-being-a-war-on went away, {11408}{11487}and there-being-a-war-on came along.
{11489}{11570}So...
what I want to know is, {11572}{11634}how did we get from the one case of affairs {11638}{11713}to the other case of affairs?
{11715}{11781}Do you mean, how did the war start?
{11784}{11844}Yeah.
{11848}{11898}The war started because of the vile Hun {11901}{11949}and his villainous empire-building.
{11953}{11982}George, the British Empire {11987}{12033}at present covers a quarter of the globe, {12036}{12066}while the German Empire {12071}{12113}consists of a small sausage factory {12117}{12154}In Tanganyika.
{12158}{12223}I hardly think we can|entirely be absolved from blame {12226}{12263}on the imperialistic front.
{12267}{12342}Oh, no...
no sir, absolutely not.
{12345}{12396}Mad as a bicycle.
{12400}{12474}I heard that it started|when a bloke called Archie Duke {12476}{12539}shot an ostrich because he was hungry.
{12543}{12602}I think you mean it started {12605}{12707}when the Archduke|of Austro-Hungary got shot.
{12708}{12776}No, there was definitely|an ostrich involved, sir.
{12779}{12812}Well, possibly.
{12817}{12866}But the real reason for the whole thing {12869}{12913}was that it was just too much effort {12917}{12951}not to have a war.
{12956}{13023}By gum, this is interesting!|I always loved history...
{13026}{13046}the Battle of Hastings, {13051}{13116}Henry Vlll and his six knives, all that.
{13119}{13181}You see, Baldrick,|in order to prevent war in Europe, {13184}{13217}two super-blocs developed...
{13221}{13263}us, the French,|and the Russians on one side, {13267}{13334}and the Germans and Austro-Hungary|on the other.
{13337}{13411}The idea was to have|two vast, opposing armies, {13414}{13467}each acting as the other's deterrent.
{13470}{13520}That way, there could never be a war.
{13524}{13610}But this is a sort of a war, isn't it?
{13612}{13641}Yes, that's right.
{13646}{13697}There was a tiny flaw in the plan.
{13701}{13722}What was that, sir?
{13726}{13828}It was bollocks.
{13851}{13977}So the poor old ostrich died for nothing.
{13978}{14001}Heads up!
{14005}{14029}Right, they're here.
{14034}{14075}Baldrick, you keep him warm.
{14079}{14145}I'll go and prepare the ground.
{14148}{14170}Sir.
{14175}{14215}George.
How's the patient?
{14219}{14252}It's touch and go, I'm afraid, sir.
{14257}{14292}I really can't vouch for his behavior...
{14296}{14336}He's gone mad, you see, {14340}{14365}stir-fry crazy.
{14370}{14411}I see.
Is this genuinely mad?
{14415}{14448}Oh, yes, sir.
{14452}{14487}Or has he simply|put his underpants on his head {14491}{14558}and stuffed a couple of pencils up his nose?
{14561}{14655}That's what they all used to do in the Sudan.
{14657}{14751}I remember I once had to|shoot a whole platoon for trying that.
{14753}{14799}Well, let's have a look at him.
{14803}{14831}'Tention!
{14836}{14901}And the other thing they used to do|in the Sudan {14904}{14963}was to get dressed up like this|and pretend to be mad.
{14966}{15035}So, don't let me catch you|trying that one, Baldrick, {15038}{15086}or I'll have you shot,|all right?
Dismissed.
{15090}{15158}Well, hello, sir.
Didn't hear you come in.
{15161}{15238}Now then, Blackadder...|they tell me you've gone mad.
{15240}{15276}No, sir.
{15280}{15326}No, no, must be a breakdown of|communications.
{15330}{15382}Someone obviously heard|I was mad with excitement {15386}{15414}waiting for the off.
{15418}{15478}You see, Darling, I told you there'd be a|perfectly rational explanation.
{15482}{15542}Right, George, have your chaps fall in.
{15545}{15635}Well, it's rather odd, sir,|the message was very clear.
{15637}{15664}{y:i}Captain Blackadder gone totally tonto.
{15669}{15747}{y:i}Bring straitjacket|{y:i}for immediate return to Blighty.
{15749}{15790}Don't be ridiculous, Darling...
{15794}{15861}The hero of Mboto Gorge, mad?
{15864}{15931}You've only got to look at him|to see he's as sane as I am.
{15934}{15990}Baaaa!!!!
{15994}{16036}Would that be the Mboto Gorge {16040}{16072}where we massacred|the peace-loving pygmies {16076}{16140}of the Upper Volta|and stole all their fruit?
{16143}{16237}No, a totally different Mboto Gorge.
{16239}{16263}Oh.
{16268}{16367}Cup of coffee, Darling?
{16368}{16411}Oh.
Thank you.
{16415}{16454}Baldrick, do the honours.
{16458}{16485}Sugar, sir?
{16490}{16550}Three lumps.
{16553}{16623}Think you can manage three lumps,|Baldrick?
{16626}{16716}I'll rummage 'round, see what I can find, sir.
{16718}{16764}Make it a milky one.
{16768}{16821}Coming up, sir!
{16825}{16880}Well, George, you must have been {16883}{16921}delighted to hear the news of the big push.
{16925}{16969}Absolutely, sir.|Our chance to show the Hun {16973}{17024}that it takes more than|a pointy hat and bad breath {17028}{17061}to defeat the armies of King George.
{17065}{17107}That's the spirit!
{17222}{17280}Here you are, sir.
{17283}{17366}Ah, cappuccino.
{17446}{17481}Have you got any of that...
{17485}{17532}any of that brown stuff|you sprinkle on the top?
{17536}{17577}Well, I'm sure I could...
{17581}{17618}No.
No.
{17622}{17648}'Tention!
{17653}{17722}Ah, oh.
{17725}{17769}Fine body of men {17773}{17821}you've got out there, Blackadder.
{17824}{17895}Yes sir, shortly to become|fine bodies of men.
{17898}{17948}Ah, nonsense...
you'll pull through!
{17952}{18039}I remember when we played|the Old Harrowians back in '96, {18041}{18105}they said we'd never|break through to their back line, {18108}{18152}but we ducked and we bobbed and we wove {18156}{18205}and we damn well won the game 15-4.
{18209}{18248}Yes sir, but the Harrow fullback {18252}{18313}wasn't armed with a heavy machine gun.
{18316}{18360}Good point...
make a note, Darling.
{18364}{18424}Recommendation for the Harrow governors: {18427}{18488}heavy machine guns for fullbacks.
{18492}{18521}Nice idea, Blackadder.
{18525}{18555}Now then, soldier, {18560}{18600}you looking forward to giving|those Frenchies {18604}{18650}a damn good licking?
{18654}{18710}Uh, no sir...
it's the Germans|we shall be licking.
{18713}{18795}Don't be revolting, Darling!
{18797}{18924}I wouldn't lick a German|if he was glazed in honey!
{18925}{18997}Now then, soldier,|do you love your country?
{19000}{19026}Certainly do, sir!
{19030}{19062}And do you love your King?
{19067}{19096}Certainly don't, sir!
{19100}{19119}And why not?
{19124}{19150}My mother told me {19155}{19200}never to trust men with beards, sir.
{19204}{19233}Ha ha ha ha!
{19237}{19293}Excellent native Cockney wit!
{19297}{19324}Ooh!
{19329}{19378}Well, best of luck to you all.
{19381}{19416}Sorry I can't be with you, {19421}{19448}but obviously there's no place at the front {19452}{19494}for an old general with a dicky heart {19498}{19528}and a wooden bladder.
{19533}{19564}By the way, George, {19568}{19614}if you want to accompany me back to HQ {19618}{19669}and watch the results as they come in, {19673}{19712}I think I can guarantee a place in the car.
{19716}{19739}No, thank you, sir.
{19744}{19788}I wouldn't miss this show for anything.
{19792}{19836}I'm as excited as a very excited person {19840}{19888}who's got a special reason|to be excited, sir.
{19891}{19937}Excellent!
Well, chuff chuff, then.
{19941}{20004}See you all in Berlin for coffee and cakes.
{20007}{20045}Right.
{20049}{20118}Ptooie!
{20121}{20190}What is the matter with you today, Darling?!
{20193}{20310}I'm so sorry, Blackadder.|Come on, Darling, we're leaving.
{20311}{20373}By Jove, sir...
I'm glad|you're not barking anymore.
{20376}{20404}Thank you, George.
{20409}{20443}Although quite clearly, you are.
{20447}{20501}You were offered a way out,|and you didn't take it.
{20505}{20530}Absolutely not, sir.
{20534}{20581}I can't wait to get stuck in to the Bosche.
{20585}{20635}You won't have time to get|"stuck in to the Bosche".
{20639}{20698}We'll all be cut to pieces|by machine-gun fire {20701}{20765}before we can say "charge."
{20768}{20835}Right.
So what do we do now?
{20838}{20864}Shall I do my war poem?
{20869}{20919}How hurt would you be|if I gave the honest answer, {20923}{21031}which is, "No, I'd rather|French-kiss a skunk".
{21032}{21143}So would I, sir!
{21183}{21226}All right.
Fire away, Baldrick.
{21229}{21292}{y:i}Hear the words I sing, {21296}{21390}{y:i}war's a horrid thing.
{21391}{21478}{y:i}So I sing, sing, sing, {21481}{21560}{y:i}ding-a-ling-a-ling.
{21562}{21624}Bravo!
Yes!
{21627}{21675}Well, it started badly, {21679}{21732}and it tailed off a little in the middle, {21736}{21796}and the less said about the end the better, {21799}{21850}but apart from that...
excellent.
{21854}{21883}Shall I do another one then, sir?
{21887}{21914}No, we wouldn't want to exhaust you.
{21919}{21961}Don't worry.
I could go on all night.
{21965}{22019}Not with a bayonet through your neck,|you couldn't!
{22022}{22109}This one is called "The German Guns".
{22111}{22154}Oh, spiffing!
Yes, let's hear that.
{22158}{22292}{y:i}Boom boom boom boom!
{22293}{22406}{y:i}Boom boom boom.
{22401}{22492}{y:i}Boom boom boom boom!
{22494}{22553}Boom boom boom?
{22556}{22589}How did you guess, sir?
{22594}{22617}I say, sir, that is spooky!
{22621}{22673}I think I've got to get out of here!
{22677}{22749}Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.
{22752}{22820}All right, Baldrick.
For old time's sake.
{22823}{22874}Well, you phone Field Marshal Haig, {22877}{22982}and you ask him to get you out of here.
{22984}{23017}Baldrick, even by your standards, {23021}{23055}it's pathetic.
{23059}{23091}I've only ever met Haig once.
{23096}{23190}It was 20 years ago, and...|my God, you've got it!
{23192}{23248}You've got it!!!
{23251}{23305}Well, if I've got it, you've got it too, now.
{23309}{23382}I can't believe I've been so stupid.
{23384}{23425}One phone call will do it.
{23430}{23486}One phone call and I'll be free.
{23489}{23525}Let's see.
It's 3:30 am, {23529}{23571}I'll call about quarter to six.
{23575}{23643}Excellent, excellent.
I'll get packing.
{23646}{23676}You know, {23681}{23737}I won't half miss you chaps after the war.
{23740}{23793}Don't worry, Lieutenant.
I'll come visit you.
{23797}{23844}Will you really?
Oh, bravo!
Yes!
{23847}{23879}Jump into the old jalopy {23884}{23918}and come down and stay in the country.
{23922}{23951}We can re-live the old times.
{23956}{23993}What, dig a hole in the garden, {23997}{24023}fill it with water, {24028}{24098}and get your gamekeeper|to shoot at us all day?
{24101}{24166}That's the thing I don't|really understand about you.
{24169}{24216}I mean, you're a professional soldier, {24219}{24258}and yet sometimes you sound as if {24263}{24312}you bloody well haven't|enjoyed soldiering at all!
{24315}{24347}You see, George, I did like it {24352}{24380}back in the old days {24384}{24421}when the prerequisite of a British campaign {24426}{24480}was that the enemy should|under no circumstances {24483}{24517}carry guns.
{24521}{24574}Even spears made us think twice.
{24578}{24623}The kind of people we liked to fight {24627}{24696}were two feet tall and armed with dry grass.
{24699}{24734}Now, come off it, sir.
{24738}{24791}What about Mboto Gorge, for heavens' sake!
{24795}{24835}Yes, that was a bit of a nasty one.
{24839}{24873}Ten thousand Watusi warriors, {24877}{24979}armed to the teeth|with kiwi fruit and guava halves.
{24981}{25041}After the battle,|instead of taking prisoners, {25044}{25136}we simply made a huge fruit salad.
{25138}{25172}No, when I joined up, {25176}{25221}I never imagined anything|as awful as this war.
{25225}{25291}I'd had 15 years of military experience, {25294}{25342}perfecting the art of ordering a pink gin {25346}{25440}and saying, "Do you do it|doggy-doggy" in Swahili.
{25442}{25483}And then suddenly, {25487}{25548}four and a half million|heavily armed Germans {25551}{25582}hove into view.
{25586}{25627}It was a shock, I can tell you.
{25631}{25677}I thought it was|going to be such fun, too.
{25681}{25710}We all did...
{25715}{25769}joining the local regiment and everything.
{25772}{25844}{y:i}Turnip Street Workhouse pals...
{25847}{25893}it was great, I'll never forget it.
{25897}{25951}It was the first time I ever felt really popular.
{25954}{26008}Everyone was cheering, throwing flowers.
{26012}{26073}Some girl even come up and kissed me.
{26076}{26146}Poor woman...
first casualty of the war.
{26149}{26179}And I loved the training.
{26184}{26251}All we had to do was bayonet sacks|full of straw.
{26254}{26301}Even I could do that.
{26304}{26338}I remember saying to my mum, {26343}{26385}{y:i}These sacks will be easy to outwit {26389}{26420}{y:i}in a battle situation.
{26424}{26490}And then, shortly after, {26493}{26533}we all met up, didn't we?
{26537}{26574}Just before Christmas, 1914.
{26579}{26601}Yes, that's right.
{26605}{26632}I had just arrived, {26637}{26702}and we had that wonderful Christmas truce.
{26705}{26745}We could hear "Silent Night" {26749}{26825}drifting across the still,|clear air of No-Man's Land.
{26828}{26862}And then they came, the Germans, {26866}{26916}emerging out of the freezing night mist, {26920}{26941}calling to us, {26946}{26977}and we clambered up over the top {26981}{27013}and went to meet them.
{27018}{27089}Both sides advanced more|during one Christmas piss-up {27091}{27172}than they managed|in the next 2 1/2 years of war.
{27175}{27221}Do you remember the football match?
{27225}{27290}How could I forget it?|I was never offside.
{27293}{27340}I could not believe that decision!
{27344}{27375}And since then, {27379}{27470}we've been stuck here|for three flippin' years.
{27472}{27510}We haven't moved!
{27514}{27555}All me friends are dead...
{27559}{27626}my pet spider Sammy, {27629}{27666}Katie the worm, {27670}{27725}Bertie the bird, {27729}{27810}everyone except Neville the fat hamster.
{27812}{27883}I'm afraid Neville bought it too.
{27886}{27918}I'm sorry.
{27923}{27969}Neville gone, sir?
{27972}{28007}Not quite gone.
{28012}{28068}He's in the corner, bunging up the sink.
{28071}{28110}Oh, no!
{28114}{28171}It didn't have to happen, sir!
{28175}{28210}If it wasn't for this terrible war, {28214}{28252}Neville would still be here today, {28256}{28341}sniffling his little nose and going "Eek!"
{28343}{28384}On the other hand, if he hadn't died, {28388}{28438}I wouldn't have been able|to insert a curtain rod {28442}{28491}in his bottom and use him as a dish mop.
{28495}{28554}Why can't we just stop, sir?
{28557}{28600}Why can't we just say, {28604}{28674}"No more killing, let's all go home."
{28677}{28750}Why would it be stupid|just to pack it in, sir, why!
{28753}{28778}Now, look here...
{28782}{28866}you just stop that conchie talk|right now, Private.
{28869}{28944}It's absurd, it's Bolshevism,|and it wouldn't work, anyway.
{28946}{28976}Why not, sir?
{28981}{29009}Why not?
{29013}{29056}W-w-w-well, you mean,|why wouldn't it work?
{29060}{29156}It wouldn't work because...
they're...
{29158}{29203}Now you just get on|with polishing those boots, {29207}{29276}and let's have a bit less of that lip.
{29279}{29399}I think I managed to crush the mutiny, sir.
{29399}{29437}Just think, in a few hours, we'll be off.
{29441}{29504}Of course, not that I won't miss all this, {29507}{29560}but, ah, we've had some good times, {29564}{29618}we've had some|damnably good laughs, eh?
{29621}{29736}Yes.
Can't think|of any specific ones, myself, but...
{29731}{29800}Darling.
{29803}{29818}Sir!
{29823}{29846}No, no, sit, sit.
{29851}{29897}Can't sleep either, eh?
{29901}{29933}Uh, no, sir.
{29938}{29996}Thinking about the push, sir.
{29999}{30063}Maybe the Bosche will forget|to set their alarm clocks, {30066}{30157}still be in their pajamas|when our boys turn up.
{30159}{30188}Yes, yes.
{30193}{30289}I've been thinking too, Darling.
{30290}{30310}Sir?
{30315}{30350}You know, over these last few years, {30355}{30413}I've come to think of you as a sort of son.
{30416}{30471}Not a favorite son, of course.
{30474}{30503}Lord, no, {30508}{30601}more a sort of illegitimate|backstairs sprog, you know...
{30603}{30711}a sort of spotty squit|that nobody really likes, {30712}{30788}but, nonetheless, still|fruit of my overactive loins.
{30791}{30827}Thank you, sir.
{30831}{30879}And I want to do what's best for you, Darling.
{30883}{30926}So I've given it a great deal of thought, {30930}{31008}and I want you to have this.
{31010}{31103}A postal order for 10 shillings.
{31105}{31129}No, sorry.
{31134}{31193}That's my godson's wedding present.
{31196}{31262}Ah!
Here.
{31265}{31334}Uh, no sir, this is a commission|for the front lines, sir.
{31337}{31379}Yes.
{31383}{31429}I've been awfully selfish, Darling, {31433}{31478}keeping you back here {31482}{31540}instead of letting you|join in the fun and games.
{31543}{31621}This will let you get to the front line|immediately.
{31624}{31644}But...
{31649}{31718}B-b-b-but sir,|I-I don't want to.
{31721}{31788}To leave me?
I appreciate that, Darling, {31791}{31835}but, damn it, I'll just have to enter Berlin {31838}{31909}without someone to carry my feathery hat.
{31912}{31984}No, sir...
I don't want to go into battle.
{31987}{32048}Without me?
I know.|But I'm too old, Darling.
{32051}{32117}I'm just going to have to|sit this one out on the touchline {32120}{32191}with the half-time oranges|and the fat wheezy boys {32194}{32219}with a note from matron {32224}{32293}while you young bloods|link arms and go together {32296}{32353}for the glorious final scrum-down!
{32356}{32373}No, sir!
{32378}{32436}You're...
you're not listening, sir.
{32440}{32484}I'm begging you.
{32487}{32520}Please...
{32525}{32562}for the sake of all the times {32566}{32603}I've helped you with your dickie bows {32607}{32645}and your dickie bladder...
{32649}{32703}Please, don't make me...
{32707}{32732}Make you go through {32737}{32796}the farewell debagging ceremony|in the mess?
{32799}{32853}No, I've spared you that, too, {32857}{32922}you touchingly sentimental young boobie.
{32925}{32965}No fuss, no bother.
{32969}{33085}The driver is already here.
{33082}{33106}But...
{33111}{33158}No, no, not a word, Kevin, {33161}{33236}I know what you want to say, I know.
{33239}{33341}Goodbye, Kevin Darling.
{33339}{33420}Goodbye, sir.
{33422}{33470}It stopped raining at last, sir.
{33474}{33548}Looks like we might have a nice day for it.
{33551}{33588}Yes, it's nearly morning.
{33592}{33630}So it is, right.
{33634}{33720}Time to make my call.
{33734}{33848}Hello.
Field Marshal|Sir Douglas Haig, please.
{33849}{33886}Yes, it's urgent.
{33890}{33943}- Haig.|- Hello, Sir Douglas.
{33946}{33981}Who is this?
{33986}{34017}Captain Blackadder, sir.
{34021}{34084}Erstwhile of the 19/45th East African Rifles.
{34087}{34137}Good Lord!
Blackie!
{34141}{34163}Yes, sir.
{34168}{34247}- Haven't seen you since...|- '92, sir.
Mboto Gorge.
{34249}{34279}By jingo, yes.
{34284}{34334}We sure gave those pygmies|a good squashing.
{34338}{34375}We certainly did, sir.
{34379}{34411}And do you remember...
{34415}{34441}My God, yes.
{34446}{34485}You saved my damn life that day, Blackie.
{34489}{34537}If it weren't for you, that pygmy woman {34541}{34619}with the sharpened mango|could have seriously...
{34621}{34650}And do you remember then {34655}{34699}that you said that if I was ever|in real trouble, {34703}{34740}if I ever really needed a favor, {34744}{34791}you'd do anything you could to help me?
{34795}{34879}Yes, yes, I do, and I stick by it.
{34881}{34932}You know me,|not a man to change my mind.
{34936}{34979}No, we've noticed that.
{34983}{35028}So what do you want?
Spit it out, man.
{35032}{35063}- You see, sir, {35067}{35097}it's the big push today, {35102}{35189}and I'm not all that keen to go over the top.
{35191}{35219}Oh, I see.
{35223}{35268}Well...
{35272}{35364}It was a viciously sharp|slice of mango, wasn't it, sir?
{35366}{35476}Well, this is most irregular,|but, um...
{35477}{35526}All right, if I do fix it for you, {35530}{35599}I never want to hear from you again,|is that clear?
{35602}{35683}Suits me, Dougie.
{35685}{35736}Very well.
Listen well, Blackadder.
{35740}{35773}I won't repeat this.
{35777}{35806}Put your underpants on your head {35811}{35856}and stick two pencils up your nose.
{35860}{35902}They'll think you're crazy|and send you home.
{35906}{35995}Right.
Favour returned.
{36010}{36151}I think the phrase rhymes|with "clucking bell".
{36202}{36307}Does that mean you'll be|going over the top now, sir?
{36343}{36381}Field Marshal?
{36385}{36413}Ha ha!
{36418}{36462}Well, not quite, Blackadder.
{36466}{36509}At least not yet.
{36513}{36539}No, I just wanted to let you know {36543}{36604}that I've sent a little surprise over for you.
{36608}{36672}Sir!
{36698}{36791}- Captain Darling.|- Captain Blackadder.
{36793}{36871}Here to join us for the last waltz?
{36873}{36917}Um, yes.
{36921}{37023}Tired of...
folding the General's pyjamas.
{37025}{37070}Well, this is splendid comradely news!
{37073}{37131}Together we'll fight for king and country {37135}{37201}and be sucking sausages|in Berlin by tea time!
{37204}{37247}Yes, I hope their cafes are well-stocked.
{37251}{37292}Everyone seems determined to eat out {37296}{37343}the moment they arrive.
{37347}{37449}Really, this is brave, splendid and noble!
{37450}{37520}- Sir?|- Yes, Lieutenant?
{37523}{37580}I'm...
scared, sir.
{37583}{37651}I'm scared too, sir.
{37654}{37720}I mean, I'm the last of|the tiddlywinking leapfroggers {37723}{37831}from the golden summer of 1914.|I don't want to die.
{37833}{37901}I'm really not overkeen on dying at all, sir.
{37904}{37989}How are you feeling, Darling?
{38023}{38093}Um, not all that good, Blackadder.
{38096}{38165}Rather hoped I'd|get through the whole show.
{38168}{38226}Go back to work at Pratt & Sons, {38230}{38291}keep wicket for the Croyden gentlemen, {38294}{38346}marry Doris.
{38349}{38425}Made a note in my diary on the way here.
{38428}{38531}It simply says ..."Bugger".
{38532}{38564}Well, quite.
{38569}{38641}Let's move.
{38644}{38722}Fix bayonets!
{38735}{38784}Don't forget your stick, Lieutenant.
{38787}{38809}Rather, sir.
{38814}{38895}Wouldn't want to face|a machine gun without this.
{39068}{39122}Listen...
our guns have stopped.
{39126}{39166}- You don't think...
{39170}{39262}Maybe the war is over.|Maybe it's peace!
{39264}{39294}Well, hurrah!
{39298}{39337}The big nobs have got 'round the table {39342}{39391}and yanked the iron out of the fire!
{39394}{39433}Thank God!
We lived through it!
{39437}{39531}The Great War...
1914 to 1917.
{39533}{39566}Hip hip...
{39571}{39600}Hooray!
{39604}{39630}I'm afraid not.
{39635}{39714}The guns have stopped|because we're about to attack.
{39716}{39753}Not even our generals {39758}{39796}are mad enough to shell their own men.
{39800}{39891}They think it's far more sporting|to let the Germans do it.
{39893}{39921}So we are, in fact, going over?
{39925}{39974}This is, as they say, "it"?
{39978}{40008}I'm afraid so.
{40013}{40071}Unless I can think of something very quickly.
{40074}{40217}Company, one pace forward!
{40218}{40266}There's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir, {40269}{40323}a bloke could hurt himself on that.
{40327}{40367}Stand ready!
{40371}{40437}I have a plan, sir.
{40440}{40463}Really, Baldrick?
{40468}{40511}A cunning and subtle one?
{40515}{40533}Yes, sir.
{40538}{40568}As cunning as a fox {40572}{40604}who's just been appointed|Professor of Cunning {40609}{40648}at Oxford University?
{40652}{40676}Yes, sir.
{40681}{40743}At the signal, company will advance!
{40746}{40784}Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait.
{40788}{40851}Whatever it was,|I'm sure it was better than my plan {40854}{40895}to get out of this by pretending to be mad.
{40899}{41017}I mean, who would have noticed|another madman around here?
{41012}{41104}Good luck, everyone.
{41103}{41152}Charge!!!
{41906}{42106}Ripped with SubRip 1.10 and Verified by CdinT|(Cristi_Polacsek@SoftHome.net) {42098}{42237}I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it!
:D
{814}{930}Eyes...
right!
{1055}{1136}Eyes, right!
{1403}{1438}Care for a smoke, sir?
{1442}{1470}No, thank you.
{1474}{1569}- Private?|- Thank you, sir.
{1609}{1673}Oh, dash and blast|all this hanging about, sir.
{1676}{1730}I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol!
{1733}{1771}When are we gonna see some action?!
{1775}{1819}Well, George, I strongly suspect {1823}{1864}that your long wait for certain death {1868}{1901}is nearly at an end.
{1906}{1945}Surely you must have|noticed something in the air.
{1949}{1976}Well, of course, {1981}{2029}but I thought that was Private Baldrick.
{2032}{2062}Unless I'm very much mistaken, {2067}{2137}soon we will at last|be making the final big push, {2140}{2184}that one we've been so looking forward to {2188}{2213}all these years.
{2217}{2279}Well, hurrah with highly-polished|brass knobs on!
{2283}{2306}About time!
{2453}{2497}Hello.
The Somme public baths.
{2501}{2574}No, running, shouting,|or piddling in the shallow end.
{2577}{2659}Ah, Captain Darling.
{2661}{2697}Tomorrow at dawn.
{2701}{2745}Oh, excellent!
{2749}{2838}See you later, then.
Bye.
{2840}{2892}Gentlemen, our long wait|is nearly at an end.
{2896}{2969}Tomorrow morning|General "Insanity" Melchett {2972}{3007}invites you to a mass slaughter.
{3011}{3064}We're going over the top.
{3068}{3114}Well, huzzah and hurrah!
{3117}{3165}God save the King, rule Britannia, {3169}{3215}and boo sucks to Harry Hun!
{3219}{3286}Or, to put it more precisely,|you're going over the top, {3289}{3322}I'm getting out of here.
{3326}{3350}Oh, come on, Cap!
{3355}{3400}It may be a bit risky, {3404}{3453}but it's sure as|bloomin' hell worth it, Gov'nor.
{3457}{3510}How can it possibly be worth it?
{3513}{3569}We've been sitting here|since Christmas, 1914, {3573}{3613}during which millions of men have died, {3617}{3662}and we've advanced no further than {3666}{3733}an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.
{3736}{3851}No, but this time I'm absolutely pos'|we'll break through.
{3852}{3923}It's ice cream in Berlin in 15 days.
{3926}{3988}Or ice-cold in No-Man's-Land in 15 seconds.
{3991}{4060}No, the time has come|to get out of this madness {4063}{4085}once and for all.
{4089}{4137}What madness is that?
{4141}{4169}For God's sake, George, {4174}{4202}how long have you been|in the Army?
{4206}{4242}What, me?
I joined up|straightaway, sir.
{4247}{4299}August the 4th, 1914.
{4302}{4336}Ah, what a day that was.
{4341}{4374}Myself and the rest of the fellows, {4378}{4426}leapfrogging down to|the Cambridge recruiting office {4430}{4491}and then playing tiddlywinks in the queue.
{4494}{4538}We'd hammered Oxford's tiddlywinkers {4542}{4580}only the week before, and there we were, {4584}{4633}off to hammer the Bosche.
{4637}{4678}A crashingly superb bunch of blokes...
{4682}{4750}fine, clean-limbed...
{4753}{4827}even our acne had|a strange nobility about it.
{4830}{4897}Yes, and how are all the boys now?
{4900}{4934}Well, ah, Jocko and the Badger {4938}{4974}bought it at the First Ypres run,|unfortunately.
{4978}{5019}What a shock, that.
{5023}{5063}I remember Bumfluff's housemaster {5067}{5088}wrote and told me that {5093}{5138}Sticky had been out for a duck, {5142}{5197}and the gubber had snitched|a parcel sausage end {5201}{5262}and gone goose over stumps frog side.
{5265}{5289}Meaning?
{5294}{5404}I don't know, sir, but I read in the "Times"|that they'd both been killed.
{5405}{5449}And Bumfluff himself?
{5453}{5501}Copped a packet|at Gallipoli with the Aussies.
{5504}{5594}So did Drippy and Strangely Brown.
{5596}{5647}I remember we heard {5651}{5686}on the first morning of the Somme, {5690}{5746}when Titch and Mr.
Floppy|got gassed back to Blighty.
{5750}{5770}Which leaves?
{5775}{5810}Gosh, yes, I...
{5814}{5933}I suppose I'm the only one|of the Trinity Tiddlers still alive.
{5934}{5979}Blimey, there's a thought, and not a jolly one.
{5983}{6007}My point exactly, George.
{6012}{6050}A chap might get a bit mis' {6054}{6121}if it wasn't for the thought of|going over the top tomorrow!
{6124}{6160}Right, sir.
Permission to get weaving.
{6164}{6203}- Permission granted.|- Thank you, sir.
{6207}{6240}- Baldrick!|- Captain B.
{6244}{6294}This is a crisis...
a large crisis.
{6298}{6341}In fact, if you've got a moment, {6345}{6410}it's a 12-story crisis with|a magnificent entrance hall, {6413}{6479}carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage, {6482}{6519}and an enormous sign on the roof {6523}{6586}saying, "This is a large crisis".
{6590}{6644}And a large crisis requires a large plan.
{6647}{6748}Get me two pencils|and a pair of underpants.
{6750}{6785}Right, Baldrick.
{6789}{6864}This is an old trick I picked up in the Sudan.
{6867}{6907}We tell HQ that I've gone insane, {6911}{6966}and I will be invalided back to Blighty {6969}{7031}before you can say "wibble"...
{7034}{7094}a poor, gormless idiot.
{7098}{7138}Well, I'm a poor, gormless idiot, sir, {7142}{7197}and I've never been invalided back to Blighty.
{7200}{7223}Yes, Baldrick, {7228}{7272}but you never said "wibble."
{7276}{7319}Now, ask me some simple questions.
{7323}{7343}All right.
{7348}{7388}What is your name?
{7392}{7419}Wibble.
{7424}{7474}What is two plus two?
{7477}{7511}Wibble, wibble.
{7516}{7554}Where do you live?
{7558}{7590}- London.|- Eh?
{7594}{7628}A small village on Mars, {7633}{7660}just outside the capital city...
{7664}{7703}...Wibble.
{7707}{7751}All the men present and correct, sir.
{7755}{7774}Ready for the off, eh!
{7779}{7807}I'm afraid not, Lieutenant.
{7812}{7893}I'm just off to Hartlepool|to buy some exploding trousers.
{7895}{7924}Come again, sir?
{7929}{7984}Have you gone barking mad?
{7987}{8014}Yes, George, I have.
{8019}{8051}Cluck-cluck, gibber-gibber, {8055}{8084}my old man's a mushroom, etcetera.
{8089}{8138}Go send a runner to tell General Melchett {8142}{8184}that your Captain has gone insane {8188}{8230}and must return to England at once.
{8234}{8274}But, sir, how utterly ghastly for you!
{8278}{8352}I mean, you'll miss|the whole rest of the war!
{8354}{8390}Yes, very bad luck.
Beep!
{8395}{8418}Right.
{8422}{8455}Beep!
{8460}{8502}Now Baldrick, I'll be back as soon as I can.
{8506}{8550}Pap-pa.
{8554}{8665}Whatever you do, don't excite him.
{8666}{8704}Fat chance.
{8708}{8753}Now, all we have to do is wait.
{8757}{8803}Baldrick, fix us some coffee, will you?
{8807}{8852}And try to make it taste {8856}{8896}slightly less like mud this time.
{8900}{8928}Not easy, I'm afraid, Captain.
{8932}{8993}- Why is this?|- 'Cause it "is" mud.
{8997}{9053}We ran out of coffee 13 months ago.
{9056}{9098}So every time I've drunk your coffee since, {9102}{9166}I have in fact been drinking hot mud.
{9169}{9204}With sugar.
{9208}{9275}Which of course makes all the difference.
{9278}{9326}Well, it would do if we had any sugar, {9330}{9409}but unfortunately,|we ran out New Year's Eve, 1915, {9412}{9503}since when I've been using sugar substitute.
{9505}{9527}Which is?
{9532}{9619}Dandruff.
{9629}{9668}Brilliant.
{9672}{9728}Still, I could add some milk this time.
{9732}{9782}Well, saliva.
{9786}{9812}No...
{9816}{9860}No thank you, Baldrick.
{9864}{9940}Call me "Mr.
Picky", but I think I'll cancel.
{9943}{10004}That's probably 'cause you're mad, sir!
{10007}{10074}Well, quite.
{10077}{10117}Well, it didn't go down|at all well, I'm afraid, sir.
{10121}{10164}Captain Darling said|they'd be along directly, {10168}{10226}But, well, you'd better be|pretty damn doolally.
{10229}{10299}Don't worry, George, I am...
okay, okay.
{10302}{10345}When they get here I'll show them {10349}{10422}what totally and utterly bonkerooni means.
{10425}{10475}Till then, there's bugger-all to do {10479}{10502}except sit and wait.
{10506}{10532}Oh, I don't know, sir.
{10537}{10579}We could have a jolly game of charades.
{10583}{10600}Ooh, yes!
{10605}{10651}And sing along with musical hits, {10655}{10686}like "Birmingham Bertie", {10691}{10784}and "Whoops, Mrs.
Miggins,|You're Sitting On My Artichokes."
{10785}{10900}Yes, I think bugger-all|might be rather more fun.
{10909}{10952}Permission to ask a question, sir.
{10956}{10995}Permission granted, Baldrick, {10999}{11072}as long as it isn't the one|about where babies come from.
{11075}{11134}No.
The thing is, the way I see it, {11137}{11194}these days there's a war on, right?
{11198}{11280}And ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right?
{11282}{11325}So there must have been a moment {11329}{11405}when there-not-being-a-war-on went away, {11408}{11487}and there-being-a-war-on came along.
{11489}{11570}So...
what I want to know is, {11572}{11634}how did we get from the one case of affairs {11638}{11713}to the other case of affairs?
{11715}{11781}Do you mean, how did the war start?
{11784}{11844}Yeah.
{11848}{11898}The war started because of the vile Hun {11901}{11949}and his villainous empire-building.
{11953}{11982}George, the British Empire {11987}{12033}at present covers a quarter of the globe, {12036}{12066}while the German Empire {12071}{12113}consists of a small sausage factory {12117}{12154}In Tanganyika.
{12158}{12223}I hardly think we can|entirely be absolved from blame {12226}{12263}on the imperialistic front.
{12267}{12342}Oh, no...
no sir, absolutely not.
{12345}{12396}Mad as a bicycle.
{12400}{12474}I heard that it started|when a bloke called Archie Duke {12476}{12539}shot an ostrich because he was hungry.
{12543}{12602}I think you mean it started {12605}{12707}when the Archduke|of Austro-Hungary got shot.
{12708}{12776}No, there was definitely|an ostrich involved, sir.
{12779}{12812}Well, possibly.
{12817}{12866}But the real reason for the whole thing {12869}{12913}was that it was just too much effort {12917}{12951}not to have a war.
{12956}{13023}By gum, this is interesting!|I always loved history...
{13026}{13046}the Battle of Hastings, {13051}{13116}Henry Vlll and his six knives, all that.
{13119}{13181}You see, Baldrick,|in order to prevent war in Europe, {13184}{13217}two super-blocs developed...
{13221}{13263}us, the French,|and the Russians on one side, {13267}{13334}and the Germans and Austro-Hungary|on the other.
{13337}{13411}The idea was to have|two vast, opposing armies, {13414}{13467}each acting as the other's deterrent.
{13470}{13520}That way, there could never be a war.
{13524}{13610}But this is a sort of a war, isn't it?
{13612}{13641}Yes, that's right.
{13646}{13697}There was a tiny flaw in the plan.
{13701}{13722}What was that, sir?
{13726}{13828}It was bollocks.
{13851}{13977}So the poor old ostrich died for nothing.
{13978}{14001}Heads up!
{14005}{14029}Right, they're here.
{14034}{14075}Baldrick, you keep him warm.
{14079}{14145}I'll go and prepare the ground.
{14148}{14170}Sir.
{14175}{14215}George.
How's the patient?
{14219}{14252}It's touch and go, I'm afraid, sir.
{14257}{14292}I really can't vouch for his behavior...
{14296}{14336}He's gone mad, you see, {14340}{14365}stir-fry crazy.
{14370}{14411}I see.
Is this genuinely mad?
{14415}{14448}Oh, yes, sir.
{14452}{14487}Or has he simply|put his underpants on his head {14491}{14558}and stuffed a couple of pencils up his nose?
{14561}{14655}That's what they all used to do in the Sudan.
{14657}{14751}I remember I once had to|shoot a whole platoon for trying that.
{14753}{14799}Well, let's have a look at him.
{14803}{14831}'Tention!
{14836}{14901}And the other thing they used to do|in the Sudan {14904}{14963}was to get dressed up like this|and pretend to be mad.
{14966}{15035}So, don't let me catch you|trying that one, Baldrick, {15038}{15086}or I'll have you shot,|all right?
Dismissed.
{15090}{15158}Well, hello, sir.
Didn't hear you come in.
{15161}{15238}Now then, Blackadder...|they tell me you've gone mad.
{15240}{15276}No, sir.
{15280}{15326}No, no, must be a breakdown of|communications.
{15330}{15382}Someone obviously heard|I was mad with excitement {15386}{15414}waiting for the off.
{15418}{15478}You see, Darling, I told you there'd be a|perfectly rational explanation.
{15482}{15542}Right, George, have your chaps fall in.
{15545}{15635}Well, it's rather odd, sir,|the message was very clear.
{15637}{15664}{y:i}Captain Blackadder gone totally tonto.
{15669}{15747}{y:i}Bring straitjacket|{y:i}for immediate return to Blighty.
{15749}{15790}Don't be ridiculous, Darling...
{15794}{15861}The hero of Mboto Gorge, mad?
{15864}{15931}You've only got to look at him|to see he's as sane as I am.
{15934}{15990}Baaaa!!!!
{15994}{16036}Would that be the Mboto Gorge {16040}{16072}where we massacred|the peace-loving pygmies {16076}{16140}of the Upper Volta|and stole all their fruit?
{16143}{16237}No, a totally different Mboto Gorge.
{16239}{16263}Oh.
{16268}{16367}Cup of coffee, Darling?
{16368}{16411}Oh.
Thank you.
{16415}{16454}Baldrick, do the honours.
{16458}{16485}Sugar, sir?
{16490}{16550}Three lumps.
{16553}{16623}Think you can manage three lumps,|Baldrick?
{16626}{16716}I'll rummage 'round, see what I can find, sir.
{16718}{16764}Make it a milky one.
{16768}{16821}Coming up, sir!
{16825}{16880}Well, George, you must have been {16883}{16921}delighted to hear the news of the big push.
{16925}{16969}Absolutely, sir.|Our chance to show the Hun {16973}{17024}that it takes more than|a pointy hat and bad breath {17028}{17061}to defeat the armies of King George.
{17065}{17107}That's the spirit!
{17222}{17280}Here you are, sir.
{17283}{17366}Ah, cappuccino.
{17446}{17481}Have you got any of that...
{17485}{17532}any of that brown stuff|you sprinkle on the top?
{17536}{17577}Well, I'm sure I could...
{17581}{17618}No.
No.
{17622}{17648}'Tention!
{17653}{17722}Ah, oh.
{17725}{17769}Fine body of men {17773}{17821}you've got out there, Blackadder.
{17824}{17895}Yes sir, shortly to become|fine bodies of men.
{17898}{17948}Ah, nonsense...
you'll pull through!
{17952}{18039}I remember when we played|the Old Harrowians back in '96, {18041}{18105}they said we'd never|break through to their back line, {18108}{18152}but we ducked and we bobbed and we wove {18156}{18205}and we damn well won the game 15-4.
{18209}{18248}Yes sir, but the Harrow fullback {18252}{18313}wasn't armed with a heavy machine gun.
{18316}{18360}Good point...
make a note, Darling.
{18364}{18424}Recommendation for the Harrow governors: {18427}{18488}heavy machine guns for fullbacks.
{18492}{18521}Nice idea, Blackadder.
{18525}{18555}Now then, soldier, {18560}{18600}you looking forward to giving|those Frenchies {18604}{18650}a damn good licking?
{18654}{18710}Uh, no sir...
it's the Germans|we shall be licking.
{18713}{18795}Don't be revolting, Darling!
{18797}{18924}I wouldn't lick a German|if he was glazed in honey!
{18925}{18997}Now then, soldier,|do you love your country?
{19000}{19026}Certainly do, sir!
{19030}{19062}And do you love your King?
{19067}{19096}Certainly don't, sir!
{19100}{19119}And why not?
{19124}{19150}My mother told me {19155}{19200}never to trust men with beards, sir.
{19204}{19233}Ha ha ha ha!
{19237}{19293}Excellent native Cockney wit!
{19297}{19324}Ooh!
{19329}{19378}Well, best of luck to you all.
{19381}{19416}Sorry I can't be with you, {19421}{19448}but obviously there's no place at the front {19452}{19494}for an old general with a dicky heart {19498}{19528}and a wooden bladder.
{19533}{19564}By the way, George, {19568}{19614}if you want to accompany me back to HQ {19618}{19669}and watch the results as they come in, {19673}{19712}I think I can guarantee a place in the car.
{19716}{19739}No, thank you, sir.
{19744}{19788}I wouldn't miss this show for anything.
{19792}{19836}I'm as excited as a very excited person {19840}{19888}who's got a special reason|to be excited, sir.
{19891}{19937}Excellent!
Well, chuff chuff, then.
{19941}{20004}See you all in Berlin for coffee and cakes.
{20007}{20045}Right.
{20049}{20118}Ptooie!
{20121}{20190}What is the matter with you today, Darling?!
{20193}{20310}I'm so sorry, Blackadder.|Come on, Darling, we're leaving.
{20311}{20373}By Jove, sir...
I'm glad|you're not barking anymore.
{20376}{20404}Thank you, George.
{20409}{20443}Although quite clearly, you are.
{20447}{20501}You were offered a way out,|and you didn't take it.
{20505}{20530}Absolutely not, sir.
{20534}{20581}I can't wait to get stuck in to the Bosche.
{20585}{20635}You won't have time to get|"stuck in to the Bosche".
{20639}{20698}We'll all be cut to pieces|by machine-gun fire {20701}{20765}before we can say "charge."
{20768}{20835}Right.
So what do we do now?
{20838}{20864}Shall I do my war poem?
{20869}{20919}How hurt would you be|if I gave the honest answer, {20923}{21031}which is, "No, I'd rather|French-kiss a skunk".
{21032}{21143}So would I, sir!
{21183}{21226}All right.
Fire away, Baldrick.
{21229}{21292}{y:i}Hear the words I sing, {21296}{21390}{y:i}war's a horrid thing.
{21391}{21478}{y:i}So I sing, sing, sing, {21481}{21560}{y:i}ding-a-ling-a-ling.
{21562}{21624}Bravo!
Yes!
{21627}{21675}Well, it started badly, {21679}{21732}and it tailed off a little in the middle, {21736}{21796}and the less said about the end the better, {21799}{21850}but apart from that...
excellent.
{21854}{21883}Shall I do another one then, sir?
{21887}{21914}No, we wouldn't want to exhaust you.
{21919}{21961}Don't worry.
I could go on all night.
{21965}{22019}Not with a bayonet through your neck,|you couldn't!
{22022}{22109}This one is called "The German Guns".
{22111}{22154}Oh, spiffing!
Yes, let's hear that.
{22158}{22292}{y:i}Boom boom boom boom!
{22293}{22406}{y:i}Boom boom boom.
{22401}{22492}{y:i}Boom boom boom boom!
{22494}{22553}Boom boom boom?
{22556}{22589}How did you guess, sir?
{22594}{22617}I say, sir, that is spooky!
{22621}{22673}I think I've got to get out of here!
{22677}{22749}Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.
{22752}{22820}All right, Baldrick.
For old time's sake.
{22823}{22874}Well, you phone Field Marshal Haig, {22877}{22982}and you ask him to get you out of here.
{22984}{23017}Baldrick, even by your standards, {23021}{23055}it's pathetic.
{23059}{23091}I've only ever met Haig once.
{23096}{23190}It was 20 years ago, and...|my God, you've got it!
{23192}{23248}You've got it!!!
{23251}{23305}Well, if I've got it, you've got it too, now.
{23309}{23382}I can't believe I've been so stupid.
{23384}{23425}One phone call will do it.
{23430}{23486}One phone call and I'll be free.
{23489}{23525}Let's see.
It's 3:30 am, {23529}{23571}I'll call about quarter to six.
{23575}{23643}Excellent, excellent.
I'll get packing.
{23646}{23676}You know, {23681}{23737}I won't half miss you chaps after the war.
{23740}{23793}Don't worry, Lieutenant.
I'll come visit you.
{23797}{23844}Will you really?
Oh, bravo!
Yes!
{23847}{23879}Jump into the old jalopy {23884}{23918}and come down and stay in the country.
{23922}{23951}We can re-live the old times.
{23956}{23993}What, dig a hole in the garden, {23997}{24023}fill it with water, {24028}{24098}and get your gamekeeper|to shoot at us all day?
{24101}{24166}That's the thing I don't|really understand about you.
{24169}{24216}I mean, you're a professional soldier, {24219}{24258}and yet sometimes you sound as if {24263}{24312}you bloody well haven't|enjoyed soldiering at all!
{24315}{24347}You see, George, I did like it {24352}{24380}back in the old days {24384}{24421}when the prerequisite of a British campaign {24426}{24480}was that the enemy should|under no circumstances {24483}{24517}carry guns.
{24521}{24574}Even spears made us think twice.
{24578}{24623}The kind of people we liked to fight {24627}{24696}were two feet tall and armed with dry grass.
{24699}{24734}Now, come off it, sir.
{24738}{24791}What about Mboto Gorge, for heavens' sake!
{24795}{24835}Yes, that was a bit of a nasty one.
{24839}{24873}Ten thousand Watusi warriors, {24877}{24979}armed to the teeth|with kiwi fruit and guava halves.
{24981}{25041}After the battle,|instead of taking prisoners, {25044}{25136}we simply made a huge fruit salad.
{25138}{25172}No, when I joined up, {25176}{25221}I never imagined anything|as awful as this war.
{25225}{25291}I'd had 15 years of military experience, {25294}{25342}perfecting the art of ordering a pink gin {25346}{25440}and saying, "Do you do it|doggy-doggy" in Swahili.
{25442}{25483}And then suddenly, {25487}{25548}four and a half million|heavily armed Germans {25551}{25582}hove into view.
{25586}{25627}It was a shock, I can tell you.
{25631}{25677}I thought it was|going to be such fun, too.
{25681}{25710}We all did...
{25715}{25769}joining the local regiment and everything.
{25772}{25844}{y:i}Turnip Street Workhouse pals...
{25847}{25893}it was great, I'll never forget it.
{25897}{25951}It was the first time I ever felt really popular.
{25954}{26008}Everyone was cheering, throwing flowers.
{26012}{26073}Some girl even come up and kissed me.
{26076}{26146}Poor woman...
first casualty of the war.
{26149}{26179}And I loved the training.
{26184}{26251}All we had to do was bayonet sacks|full of straw.
{26254}{26301}Even I could do that.
{26304}{26338}I remember saying to my mum, {26343}{26385}{y:i}These sacks will be easy to outwit {26389}{26420}{y:i}in a battle situation.
{26424}{26490}And then, shortly after, {26493}{26533}we all met up, didn't we?
{26537}{26574}Just before Christmas, 1914.
{26579}{26601}Yes, that's right.
{26605}{26632}I had just arrived, {26637}{26702}and we had that wonderful Christmas truce.
{26705}{26745}We could hear "Silent Night" {26749}{26825}drifting across the still,|clear air of No-Man's Land.
{26828}{26862}And then they came, the Germans, {26866}{26916}emerging out of the freezing night mist, {26920}{26941}calling to us, {26946}{26977}and we clambered up over the top {26981}{27013}and went to meet them.
{27018}{27089}Both sides advanced more|during one Christmas piss-up {27091}{27172}than they managed|in the next 2 1/2 years of war.
{27175}{27221}Do you remember the football match?
{27225}{27290}How could I forget it?|I was never offside.
{27293}{27340}I could not believe that decision!
{27344}{27375}And since then, {27379}{27470}we've been stuck here|for three flippin' years.
{27472}{27510}We haven't moved!
{27514}{27555}All me friends are dead...
{27559}{27626}my pet spider Sammy, {27629}{27666}Katie the worm, {27670}{27725}Bertie the bird, {27729}{27810}everyone except Neville the fat hamster.
{27812}{27883}I'm afraid Neville bought it too.
{27886}{27918}I'm sorry.
{27923}{27969}Neville gone, sir?
{27972}{28007}Not quite gone.
{28012}{28068}He's in the corner, bunging up the sink.
{28071}{28110}Oh, no!
{28114}{28171}It didn't have to happen, sir!
{28175}{28210}If it wasn't for this terrible war, {28214}{28252}Neville would still be here today, {28256}{28341}sniffling his little nose and going "Eek!"
{28343}{28384}On the other hand, if he hadn't died, {28388}{28438}I wouldn't have been able|to insert a curtain rod {28442}{28491}in his bottom and use him as a dish mop.
{28495}{28554}Why can't we just stop, sir?
{28557}{28600}Why can't we just say, {28604}{28674}"No more killing, let's all go home."
{28677}{28750}Why would it be stupid|just to pack it in, sir, why!
{28753}{28778}Now, look here...
{28782}{28866}you just stop that conchie talk|right now, Private.
{28869}{28944}It's absurd, it's Bolshevism,|and it wouldn't work, anyway.
{28946}{28976}Why not, sir?
{28981}{29009}Why not?
{29013}{29056}W-w-w-well, you mean,|why wouldn't it work?
{29060}{29156}It wouldn't work because...
they're...
{29158}{29203}Now you just get on|with polishing those boots, {29207}{29276}and let's have a bit less of that lip.
{29279}{29399}I think I managed to crush the mutiny, sir.
{29399}{29437}Just think, in a few hours, we'll be off.
{29441}{29504}Of course, not that I won't miss all this, {29507}{29560}but, ah, we've had some good times, {29564}{29618}we've had some|damnably good laughs, eh?
{29621}{29736}Yes.
Can't think|of any specific ones, myself, but...
{29731}{29800}Darling.
{29803}{29818}Sir!
{29823}{29846}No, no, sit, sit.
{29851}{29897}Can't sleep either, eh?
{29901}{29933}Uh, no, sir.
{29938}{29996}Thinking about the push, sir.
{29999}{30063}Maybe the Bosche will forget|to set their alarm clocks, {30066}{30157}still be in their pajamas|when our boys turn up.
{30159}{30188}Yes, yes.
{30193}{30289}I've been thinking too, Darling.
{30290}{30310}Sir?
{30315}{30350}You know, over these last few years, {30355}{30413}I've come to think of you as a sort of son.
{30416}{30471}Not a favorite son, of course.
{30474}{30503}Lord, no, {30508}{30601}more a sort of illegitimate|backstairs sprog, you know...
{30603}{30711}a sort of spotty squit|that nobody really likes, {30712}{30788}but, nonetheless, still|fruit of my overactive loins.
{30791}{30827}Thank you, sir.
{30831}{30879}And I want to do what's best for you, Darling.
{30883}{30926}So I've given it a great deal of thought, {30930}{31008}and I want you to have this.
{31010}{31103}A postal order for 10 shillings.
{31105}{31129}No, sorry.
{31134}{31193}That's my godson's wedding present.
{31196}{31262}Ah!
Here.
{31265}{31334}Uh, no sir, this is a commission|for the front lines, sir.
{31337}{31379}Yes.
{31383}{31429}I've been awfully selfish, Darling, {31433}{31478}keeping you back here {31482}{31540}instead of letting you|join in the fun and games.
{31543}{31621}This will let you get to the front line|immediately.
{31624}{31644}But...
{31649}{31718}B-b-b-but sir,|I-I don't want to.
{31721}{31788}To leave me?
I appreciate that, Darling, {31791}{31835}but, damn it, I'll just have to enter Berlin {31838}{31909}without someone to carry my feathery hat.
{31912}{31984}No, sir...
I don't want to go into battle.
{31987}{32048}Without me?
I know.|But I'm too old, Darling.
{32051}{32117}I'm just going to have to|sit this one out on the touchline {32120}{32191}with the half-time oranges|and the fat wheezy boys {32194}{32219}with a note from matron {32224}{32293}while you young bloods|link arms and go together {32296}{32353}for the glorious final scrum-down!
{32356}{32373}No, sir!
{32378}{32436}You're...
you're not listening, sir.
{32440}{32484}I'm begging you.
{32487}{32520}Please...
{32525}{32562}for the sake of all the times {32566}{32603}I've helped you with your dickie bows {32607}{32645}and your dickie bladder...
{32649}{32703}Please, don't make me...
{32707}{32732}Make you go through {32737}{32796}the farewell debagging ceremony|in the mess?
{32799}{32853}No, I've spared you that, too, {32857}{32922}you touchingly sentimental young boobie.
{32925}{32965}No fuss, no bother.
{32969}{33085}The driver is already here.
{33082}{33106}But...
{33111}{33158}No, no, not a word, Kevin, {33161}{33236}I know what you want to say, I know.
{33239}{33341}Goodbye, Kevin Darling.
{33339}{33420}Goodbye, sir.
{33422}{33470}It stopped raining at last, sir.
{33474}{33548}Looks like we might have a nice day for it.
{33551}{33588}Yes, it's nearly morning.
{33592}{33630}So it is, right.
{33634}{33720}Time to make my call.
{33734}{33848}Hello.
Field Marshal|Sir Douglas Haig, please.
{33849}{33886}Yes, it's urgent.
{33890}{33943}- Haig.|- Hello, Sir Douglas.
{33946}{33981}Who is this?
{33986}{34017}Captain Blackadder, sir.
{34021}{34084}Erstwhile of the 19/45th East African Rifles.
{34087}{34137}Good Lord!
Blackie!
{34141}{34163}Yes, sir.
{34168}{34247}- Haven't seen you since...|- '92, sir.
Mboto Gorge.
{34249}{34279}By jingo, yes.
{34284}{34334}We sure gave those pygmies|a good squashing.
{34338}{34375}We certainly did, sir.
{34379}{34411}And do you remember...
{34415}{34441}My God, yes.
{34446}{34485}You saved my damn life that day, Blackie.
{34489}{34537}If it weren't for you, that pygmy woman {34541}{34619}with the sharpened mango|could have seriously...
{34621}{34650}And do you remember then {34655}{34699}that you said that if I was ever|in real trouble, {34703}{34740}if I ever really needed a favor, {34744}{34791}you'd do anything you could to help me?
{34795}{34879}Yes, yes, I do, and I stick by it.
{34881}{34932}You know me,|not a man to change my mind.
{34936}{34979}No, we've noticed that.
{34983}{35028}So what do you want?
Spit it out, man.
{35032}{35063}- You see, sir, {35067}{35097}it's the big push today, {35102}{35189}and I'm not all that keen to go over the top.
{35191}{35219}Oh, I see.
{35223}{35268}Well...
{35272}{35364}It was a viciously sharp|slice of mango, wasn't it, sir?
{35366}{35476}Well, this is most irregular,|but, um...
{35477}{35526}All right, if I do fix it for you, {35530}{35599}I never want to hear from you again,|is that clear?
{35602}{35683}Suits me, Dougie.
{35685}{35736}Very well.
Listen well, Blackadder.
{35740}{35773}I won't repeat this.
{35777}{35806}Put your underpants on your head {35811}{35856}and stick two pencils up your nose.
{35860}{35902}They'll think you're crazy|and send you home.
{35906}{35995}Right.
Favour returned.
{36010}{36151}I think the phrase rhymes|with "clucking bell".
{36202}{36307}Does that mean you'll be|going over the top now, sir?
{36343}{36381}Field Marshal?
{36385}{36413}Ha ha!
{36418}{36462}Well, not quite, Blackadder.
{36466}{36509}At least not yet.
{36513}{36539}No, I just wanted to let you know {36543}{36604}that I've sent a little surprise over for you.
{36608}{36672}Sir!
{36698}{36791}- Captain Darling.|- Captain Blackadder.
{36793}{36871}Here to join us for the last waltz?
{36873}{36917}Um, yes.
{36921}{37023}Tired of...
folding the General's pyjamas.
{37025}{37070}Well, this is splendid comradely news!
{37073}{37131}Together we'll fight for king and country {37135}{37201}and be sucking sausages|in Berlin by tea time!
{37204}{37247}Yes, I hope their cafes are well-stocked.
{37251}{37292}Everyone seems determined to eat out {37296}{37343}the moment they arrive.
{37347}{37449}Really, this is brave, splendid and noble!
{37450}{37520}- Sir?|- Yes, Lieutenant?
{37523}{37580}I'm...
scared, sir.
{37583}{37651}I'm scared too, sir.
{37654}{37720}I mean, I'm the last of|the tiddlywinking leapfroggers {37723}{37831}from the golden summer of 1914.|I don't want to die.
{37833}{37901}I'm really not overkeen on dying at all, sir.
{37904}{37989}How are you feeling, Darling?
{38023}{38093}Um, not all that good, Blackadder.
{38096}{38165}Rather hoped I'd|get through the whole show.
{38168}{38226}Go back to work at Pratt & Sons, {38230}{38291}keep wicket for the Croyden gentlemen, {38294}{38346}marry Doris.
{38349}{38425}Made a note in my diary on the way here.
{38428}{38531}It simply says ..."Bugger".
{38532}{38564}Well, quite.
{38569}{38641}Let's move.
{38644}{38722}Fix bayonets!
{38735}{38784}Don't forget your stick, Lieutenant.
{38787}{38809}Rather, sir.
{38814}{38895}Wouldn't want to face|a machine gun without this.
{39068}{39122}Listen...
our guns have stopped.
{39126}{39166}- You don't think...
{39170}{39262}Maybe the war is over.|Maybe it's peace!
{39264}{39294}Well, hurrah!
{39298}{39337}The big nobs have got 'round the table {39342}{39391}and yanked the iron out of the fire!
{39394}{39433}Thank God!
We lived through it!
{39437}{39531}The Great War...
1914 to 1917.
{39533}{39566}Hip hip...
{39571}{39600}Hooray!
{39604}{39630}I'm afraid not.
{39635}{39714}The guns have stopped|because we're about to attack.
{39716}{39753}Not even our generals {39758}{39796}are mad enough to shell their own men.
{39800}{39891}They think it's far more sporting|to let the Germans do it.
{39893}{39921}So we are, in fact, going over?
{39925}{39974}This is, as they say, "it"?
{39978}{40008}I'm afraid so.
{40013}{40071}Unless I can think of something very quickly.
{40074}{40217}Company, one pace forward!
{40218}{40266}There's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir, {40269}{40323}a bloke could hurt himself on that.
{40327}{40367}Stand ready!
{40371}{40437}I have a plan, sir.
{40440}{40463}Really, Baldrick?
{40468}{40511}A cunning and subtle one?
{40515}{40533}Yes, sir.
{40538}{40568}As cunning as a fox {40572}{40604}who's just been appointed|Professor of Cunning {40609}{40648}at Oxford University?
{40652}{40676}Yes, sir.
{40681}{40743}At the signal, company will advance!
{40746}{40784}Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait.
{40788}{40851}Whatever it was,|I'm sure it was better than my plan {40854}{40895}to get out of this by pretending to be mad.
{40899}{41017}I mean, who would have noticed|another madman around here?
{41012}{41104}Good luck, everyone.
{41103}{41152}Charge!!!
{41906}{42106}Ripped with SubRip 1.10 and Verified by CdinT|(Cristi_Polacsek@SoftHome.net) {42098}{42237}I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it!
:D