Show: Black Adder - 4x3
{824}{957}Eyes, right!
{1068}{1175}Eyes, right!
{1534}{1557}You a bit cheesed off, sir?
{1561}{1615}George, the day|this war began {1619}{1644}I was cheesed off.
{1649}{1695}Within ten minutes|of you turning up, {1699}{1725}I finished the cheese {1729}{1773}and moved on|to the coffee and cigars.
{1777}{1811}And at this late stage, {1816}{1868}I'm in a cab with|two lady companions {1871}{1946}on my way to the Pink Pussycat|in Lower Regency.
{1949}{1989}Oh, because if you are cheesed off, {1993}{2026}you know what would cheer you up?
{2031}{2076}And that's a Charlie Chaplin film.
{2079}{2114}Oh, I love old Chappers, {2119}{2132}don't you, Cap?
{2137}{2181}Unfortunately, no, I don't.
{2185}{2215}I find his films about as funny {2220}{2253}as getting an arrow through the neck {2257}{2340}and then discovering|there's a gas bill tied to it.
{2342}{2450}Ah, beg pardon, sir, but come off!
{2452}{2507}His films are ball-bouncingly funny.
{2510}{2562}Rubbish!
{2566}{2613}All right, let's consult|the men for a casting vote.
{2617}{2655}- Baldrick?|- Sir!
{2659}{2701}Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick.|What do you make of him?
{2705}{2757}Oh sir, he's as funny as a vegetable {2761}{2846}that's grown into|a rude and amusing shape, sir.
{2848}{2892}So you agree with me.
{2896}{2917}Not at all funny.
{2922}{2977}Oh come on, Skipper, play fair.
{2980}{2999}In that last film of his, {3004}{3044}when he kicked that|fellow in the backside, {3049}{3088}I thought I'd die!
{3092}{3139}Well, if that's your idea of comedy, {3143}{3181}we can provide our own|without expending {3185}{3243}a ha'penny for the privilege.
{3246}{3279}There, did you find that funny?
{3284}{3325}Well, no of course not, sir, {3329}{3382}but you see, Chaplin is a genius.
{3385}{3421}He certainly is a genius, George.
{3426}{3451}He invented a way of getting paid {3455}{3475}a million dollars a year {3480}{3535}for wearing a pair of stupid trousers.
{3539}{3572}Did you find that funny, Baldrick?
{3576}{3643}What funny, sir?
{3657}{3675}That funny.
{3680}{3749}No sir, and you mustn't do that to me sir, {3752}{3838}because that is a bourgeois act|of repression, sir.
{3840}{3870}What?
{3875}{3925}Haven't you smelt it sir?
{3928}{4000}There's something afoot in the wind.
{4003}{4096}The huddled masses yearning to be free.
{4098}{4188}Baldrick, have you been|to the diesel oil again?
{4190}{4264}No, sir, I've been supping|the milk of freedom.
{4267}{4316}Already our Russian comrades {4320}{4369}are poised on the brink of revolution.
{4373}{4408}And here too, sir, {4412}{4479}the huddled what's-names,|such as myself, sir, {4482}{4543}are ready to throw off|the hated oppressors {4546}{4576}like you and the lieutenant.
{4581}{4628}Present company excepted, sir.
{4632}{4676}Go and clean out the latrines.
{4680}{4749}Yes sir, right away, sir.
{4752}{4824}Now, the reason why Chaplin is so funny {4827}{4881}is because he's part of {4884}{4917}the great British music hall tradition.
{4922}{4983}Oh yes, the great British music hall tradition.
{4986}{5061}Two men with incredibly|unconvincing cockney accents, {5064}{5083}going, "What's up with you, then?"
{5088}{5107}{y:i}What's up with me, then?
{5112}{5131}{y:i}Yeah, what's up with you, then?
{5136}{5165}{y:i}I'll tell you what's up with me...
{5169}{5209}{y:i}I'm right round off,|{y:i}that's what's up with me.
{5213}{5273}Get on with it!!!
{5277}{5328}Now, sir, that was funny!
{5331}{5393}You should go on the boards yourself!
{5397}{5432}Thank you, George, but if you don't mind, {5436}{5485}I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer-thin {5489}{5529}by a steak tenderizer {5533}{5581}and then stapled to the floor {5585}{5648}with a croquet hoop.
{5651}{5694}Sir, sir, it's all over the trenches!
{5698}{5743}Well, mop it up then.
{5747}{5788}No, sir, the news!
{5792}{5847}The Russian Revolution has started.
{5850}{5925}The masses have risen up|and shuttled their nobs!
{5928}{5963}Well, hurrah!
{5968}{6045}Oh, no, the bloody Russians|have pulled out of the war.
{6047}{6098}Well, we soon saw them off,|didn't we sir?
{6102}{6144}Miserable slant-eyed, {6148}{6193}sausage-eating swine.
{6197}{6261}The Russians are on "our" side, George.
{6264}{6286}Are they?
{6291}{6331}And they've abandoned the eastern front.
{6335}{6379}And they've overthrown Nicholas II {6383}{6427}who used to be bizarre.
{6431}{6535}Who used to be "the" czar, Baldrick.
{6537}{6578}The point is that now the Russians {6582}{6607}have made peace with the Kaiser, {6611}{6635}at this very moment, {6640}{6677}over three quarters of a million Germans {6681}{6705}are leaving the Russian front {6710}{6763}and coming over here with|the express purpose {6767}{6820}of using my nipples for target practice.
{6823}{6854}There's only one thing for it, {6859}{6882}I'm going to have to desert, {6887}{6931}and I'm going to do it right now.
{6935}{6971}Are you leaving us, Blackadder?
{6975}{6998}No, sir.
{7003}{7039}Well, I'm relieved to hear it,|because I need you {7043}{7112}to help me shoot some deserters later on.
{7115}{7171}There have been subversive mutterings {7175}{7203}amongst the men.
{7207}{7260}You'll recall the French army|last year at Verdun {7264}{7290}where the top echelons suffered {7295}{7368}from horrendous uprisings from the bottom.
{7370}{7423}Yes sir, but surely that was traced {7427}{7478}to a shipment of garlic eclairs.
{7482}{7506}Nonsense, Blackadder!
{7510}{7576}It was bolshiness...|plain bolshiness!
{7580}{7627}And now that the Ruskies have followed suit, {7630}{7690}I'm damned if I'm gonna let|the same thing happen here.
{7694}{7738}Oh, and what are you going|to do about it, sir?
{7742}{7792}We're going to have a concert party {7795}{7838}to boost the men's morale.
{7842}{7895}A concert party.
Well, hurrah!
{7899}{7988}You fancy an evening at|a concert party, Blackadder?
{7990}{8046}Well, frankly sir, I'd rather spend an evening {8050}{8091}on top of a stepladder in No-Man's Land {8095}{8133}smoking endless cigarettes {8137}{8191}through a luminous balaclava.
{8195}{8292}Yes, I didn't think|it would be quite your cup of tea.
{8293}{8331}But I do need someone {8336}{8369}to help me organize it, you know.
{8373}{8440}Obviously not a tough,|grizzled soldier like yourself, {8443}{8509}but some kind of damp-eyed nancy-boy {8512}{8543}who'd be prepared to spend {8548}{8595}the rest of the war in the London Palladium.
{8599}{8684}The show's going to|the London Palladium, sir?
{8686}{8712}Oh, yes, of course.
{8717}{8765}It's no good crushing|a revolution over here {8768}{8801}only to get back home to Blighty {8806}{8849}and find that everyone's wearing overalls {8853}{8922}and breaking wind in|the palaces of the mighty.
{8925}{8956}Good point, sir.
{8960}{8985}Now, the thing is, Blackadder, {8990}{9017}finding a man to organize a concert party {9022}{9051}is going to be damn difficult.
{9055}{9113}So, I've come up with rather|a cunning set of questions {9117}{9185}with which to test the candidate's|suitability for the job.
{9188}{9238}And what sort of questions|would these be, sir?
{9241}{9281}Well, the first question is, {9286}{9323}{y:i}Do you like Charlie Chaplin?
{9327}{9369}Ah.
{9373}{9427}Dismissed, Lieutenant.
{9430}{9455}{y:i}Do you like Charlie Chaplin?
{9460}{9498}Yes, that is a good question|for a candidate, {9502}{9549}to which my answer|would of course be {9553}{9589}{y:i}Yes, I love him.
{9594}{9611}Love him, sir, {9616}{9645}particularly the amusing kicks.
{9649}{9680}But, sir, I thought you said...
{9685}{9734}Goodbye, George.
{9738}{9786}And the second question is, {9789}{9818}{y:i}Do you like music hall?
{9823}{9898}Ah, yes, another good question, sir.
{9901}{9929}Again, my answer would have to be {9933}{9977}{y:i}Yes, absolutely love it.
{9981}{10065}# Oops, Mr.
Rothschild,|'ows yer apples and pears # {10068}{10098}Umm, yes.
{10102}{10127}Well, it's my view, Blackadder, that the kind {10132}{10194}of person who would answer|"yes" to both questions {10197}{10261}would be ideal for the jo...
{10264}{10313}Wait a minute!
{10317}{10331}What, sir?
{10336}{10400}Why, without knowing it, Blackadder, {10403}{10462}you've inadvertently shown me {10466}{10514}that "you" could do the job.
{10518}{10582}Have I, sir?
{10585}{10627}Yes, sir!
You have, sir!
{10631}{10683}And I want you to start work straightaway.
{10687}{10728}A couple of shows over the weekend, {10732}{10752}and if all goes well, {10757}{10818}we'll start you off in London next Monday.
{10821}{10878}Oh, damn.
{10881}{10962}If you need any help fetching and carrying, {10965}{11002}backstage and so on, {11006}{11032}I'll lend you my driver if you like.
{11037}{11105}Bob!
{11134}{11180}Driver Parkhurst reporting for duty, sir!
{11184}{11239}All right, at ease, Bob, stand easy.
{11242}{11266}Captain Blackadder, this is Bob.
{11271}{11312}Bob?
{11316}{11369}Good morning, sir.
{11373}{11417}Unusual name for a girl.
{11421}{11485}Well, yes, it would be|an unusual name for a girl, {11488}{11535}but it's a perfectly straightforward name {11539}{11569}for a young chap like you, eh, Bob?
{11573}{11641}Now, Bob, I want you to bunk up with|Captain Blackadder {11644}{11687}for a couple of days, all right?
{11691}{11711}Yes, sir.
{11716}{11742}I think you'll find Bob {11747}{11776}just the man for this job, Blackadder.
{11780}{11837}He has a splendid sense of humour.
{11841}{11897}He, sir?
He?
He?
{11900}{11987}You see, you're laughing already!
{11998}{12029}Well, Bob, I'll leave you two together.
{12034}{12074}Why don't you get to know each other, {12078}{12103}play a game of cribbage, {12108}{12136}have a smoke, something like that.
{12140}{12162}They tell me that Captain Blackadder {12167}{12262}has rather a good line in rough shag.
{12264}{12393}I'm sure he'd be happy to fill your pipe.|Carry on.
{12418}{12457}So you're a "chap," are you, Bob?
{12461}{12496}Oh, yes, sir.
{12570}{12641}You wouldn't say you were a girl at all?
{12644}{12683}Oh, definitely not, sir.
{12687}{12780}I understand cricket, I fart in bed, everything.
{12782}{12807}Let me put it another way, Bob.
{12812}{12859}You are a girl, {12863}{12913}and you're a girl with as much talent|for disguise {12916}{12945}as a giraffe in dark glasses {12950}{13028}trying to get into a|"Polar Bears Only" golf club.
{13031}{13106}Oh, sir, please don't give me away, sir.
{13108}{13163}I just wanted to be like|my brothers and join up.
{13167}{13222}I want to see how a war is fought, {13225}{13252}so badly.
{13257}{13312}Well, you've come to the right place, Bob.
{13316}{13361}A war hasn't been fought this badly {13365}{13429}since Olaf the Hairy,|high chief of all the Vikings, {13432}{13488}accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets {13491}{13568}with the horns on the "inside" {13571}{13639}I want to do my bit for the boys, sir.
{13642}{13671}Oh, really?
{13675}{13718}I'll do anything, sir!
{13722}{13793}Yes, I'd keep that|to yourself, if I was you.
{13796}{13864}All right Bob, the second half starts with {13867}{13935}Corporals Smith and Johnson|as the three silly twerps.
{13938}{13958}All right, sir.
{13963}{14061}The big joke being there's only two of them.
{14063}{14153}Ha ha!
I love that!|That always cracks me up, sir.
{14155}{14284}Followed by Baldrick's impersonation|of Charlie Chaplin.
{14395}{14464}Yes.
Bob, take a telegram.
{14467}{14561}{y:i}Mr.
C.
Chaplin, Sennett Studios,|{y:i}Hollywood, California.
{14563}{14585}{y:i}Congrats.
Stop.
{14590}{14631}{y:i}Have discovered|{y:i}only person in world {14635}{14672}{y:i}less funny than you.
Stop.
{14676}{14727}{y:i}Name, Baldrick.
Stop.
{14731}{14762}{y:i}Yours, E .
Blackadder.
Stop.
{14766}{14800}Oh, and put a P.S.
{14805}{14887}{y:i}Please, please, "please" stop.
{14889}{14955}And then after that we have,|ladies and gentlemen, {14958}{15005}the highlight of our show...
{15009}{15081}Da-daaa...
{15167}{15257}I feel fantastic!
{15259}{15287}Gorgeous Georgina, {15291}{15352}the traditional soldier's drag act.
{15356}{15438}You look absolutely lovely, sir.
{15440}{15495}Baldrick, you are either lying, blind or mad.
{15499}{15573}The lieutenant looks like all soldiers look|on these occasions, {15575}{15628}about as feminine as W.G.
Grace.
{15632}{15671}What are you gonna give 'em, George?
{15675}{15744}Well, I thought one or two cheeky gags, {15747}{15827}followed by "She Was Only|The Ironmonger's Daughter, {15830}{15944}"But She Knew A Surprising|Amount About Fish, As Well" {15945}{15985}Inspired.
{15989}{16028}Well, at least you made|an effort with the dress.
{16032}{16058}What about your costume, Baldrick?
{16063}{16094}I'm in it, sir.
{16098}{16120}I see.
{16125}{16161}So your Charlie Chaplin costume {16165}{16206}consists of that hat.
{16211}{16291}Yes, sir, except that in this box, {16293}{16338}I have a dead slug {16342}{16424}as a brilliant false moustache.
{16426}{16478}Yes, only "quite" brilliant, I fear.
{16482}{16525}How, for instance, are you|to attach it to your face?
{16529}{16556}Well, I was hoping to {16561}{16614}persuade the slug to cling on, sir.
{16617}{16670}Baldrick, the slug is dead.
{16674}{16718}If it failed to cling on to life, {16722}{16762}I see no reason why it should wish {16766}{16814}to cling on to your upper lip.
{16818}{16870}Baldrick, Baldrick, come over here.
{16874}{16909}Slugs are always a problem.
{16913}{16933}What you've got to do is {16938}{16975}screw your face up like this, you see, {16979}{17045}and then you can clamp it between|your top lip and your nose.
{17048}{17076}What?
Like this, sir?
{17081}{17126}That's it.
Splendid!
{17130}{17212}Sir, sir, there's a visitor to see you.
{17214}{17276}Good Lord...
Mr.
Chaplin!
{17279}{17342}This is indeed an honor.
{17346}{17390}Why, it calls for some sort of celebration.
{17394}{17466}Baldrick, Baldrick!
{17478}{17579}Sir, that is extraordinary, because...
{17605}{17650}Because, you see, this isn't Chaplin at all...
{17654}{17688}this "is" Baldrick!
{17692}{17775}Yes, it's me, sir!
{17777}{17864}I know, I know.
{17867}{17916}I was, in fact, being sarcastic.
{17919}{17981}Oh, I see.
{17985}{18041}Everything goes above|your head, doesn't it, George?
{18044}{18138}You should go to Jamaica|and become a limbo dancer.
{18226}{18285}They love him, sir.
We're a hit!
{18288}{18332}Yes, in one short evening, I've become {18336}{18366}the most successful impresario {18370}{18439}since the manager of the Roman Coliseum|thought of putting {18442}{18493}the Christians and the lions|on the same bill.
{18497}{18591}Sir, some people seem to think|that I was best!
{18593}{18612}Would you agree?
{18617}{18644}Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests, {18649}{18704}there are tribes of Indians|as yet untouched by civilization {18707}{18744}who have developed {18749}{18811}more convincing Charlie Chaplin|impressions than yours.
{18814}{18862}Thank you very much, sir.
{18866}{18932}He's coming off.
{18935}{18978}What do you think, Bob, one more?
{18982}{19074}God, I love the theatre!
{19097}{19160}It's in my blood and in my soul!
{19163}{19194}Baldrick, put those in some water, will you?
{19199}{19279}Yes, sir.
{19293}{19341}I need that applause in the same way {19344}{19453}that an ostler needs his...
ostle.
{19455}{19486}Well done, sir!
{19490}{19592}No, really, I was hopeless.|I mean, tell me honestly, sir, {19594}{19650}- I was, wasn't I?|- Well...
{19653}{19720}Come on, sir, out with it,|I was hopeless, wasn't I?
{19723}{19765}You're trying to be nice|and that's very sweet of you, {19769}{19815}but sir, please, I can take it,|I was hopeless.
{19819}{19902}George, you were bloody awful.
{19961}{20003}But you can't argue with the box office.
{20007}{20067}Personally, I thought you were the least|convincing female impressionist {20071}{20117}since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag {20121}{20153}and ate her lipstick.
{20157}{20210}But I'm clearly in a minority.
{20214}{20312}Look out London, here we come!
{20392}{20412}Ah, Captain Darling.
{20417}{20456}Ah, Captain Blackadder.
{20460}{20526}I must say, I had|an absolutely splendid evening.
{20529}{20562}Oh, glad you enjoyed the show.
{20567}{20598}The show?
{20602}{20659}I didn't go to the show.
{20663}{20703}Important regimental business.
{20707}{20748}A lorry load of paper clips arrive?
{20752}{20835}Two lorry loads, actually.
{20837}{20870}Ah...
{20875}{20937}Welcome to the great director...
{20940}{20970}Maestro!
{20975}{21005}You enjoyed it, sir?
{21009}{21051}Well, it was mostly awful, {21055}{21160}but I enjoyed the slug balancer.
{21156}{21212}Ah!
Private Baldrick, sir.
{21215}{21237}That's right, yes.
{21242}{21277}The slug fell off a couple of times, {21282}{21344}but you can't have everything, can you?
{21347}{21392}I'd just suggest a bit more practice {21396}{21471}and perhaps a little|sparkly costume for the slug.
{21474}{21540}I'll pass that on, sir.
{21543}{21592}But I do have certain other reasons {21595}{21631}for believing the show to be {21636}{21664}nothing but a triumph.
{21668}{21735}Captain Darling has your|travel arrangements, {21738}{21799}ticket to Dover,|rooms at the Ritz and so forth.
{21803}{21823}Thank you, sir.
{21828}{21927}However, there is one small|thing you might do for me.
{21928}{21973}Yes?
{21977}{22044}Captain Blackadder,|I should esteem it {22047}{22096}a signal honor if you would allow me {22100}{22140}to escort your leading lady {22144}{22183}to the regimental ball this evening.
{22187}{22237}My leading lady?
{22241}{22270}The fair Georgina.
{22275}{22330}Ah, ha-ha, very amusing.
{22333}{22373}You think she'd laugh in my face?
{22377}{22408}I'm too old, too crusty?
{22413}{22476}Uh, no, no.
{22479}{22552}It's just that as her director,|I'm afraid I could not allow it.
{22555}{22618}I could always find another|director who "would" allow it.
{22621}{22658}Quite.
{22662}{22696}I'll see what I can do, {22701}{22748}but I must insist that|she be home by midnight {22752}{22824}and that there be no|hanky-panky, sir, whatsoever.
{22827}{22882}I shall, of course, respect|your wishes, Blackadder.
{22885}{22937}However I don't think you|need to be quite so protective.
{22941}{22985}I'm sure she's a girl|with a great deal more spunk {22989}{23064}than most women you'll find.
{23061}{23105}Oh, dear me.
{23109}{23148}Absolutely not, sir.
{23152}{23220}It's profoundly immoral,|and utterly wrong.
{23223}{23240}I will not do it.
{23245}{23285}We can always find another leading lady.
{23289}{23338}Well, the dress will need a clean.
{23342}{23369}Excellent.
{23373}{23409}Now, the important thing is {23414}{23448}that Melchett should,|under no circumstances, {23452}{23482}realize that you're a man.
{23487}{23519}Yes, yes, I understand that.
{23523}{23590}In order to ensure this,|there are three basic rules.
{23593}{23644}One, you must never...|I repeat, never...
{23648}{23673}remove your wig.
{23678}{23710}All right.
{23714}{23752}Second, never say anything.
{23756}{23804}I'll tell him at the beginning of the evening {23808}{23861}that you're saving your voice|for the opening night in London.
{23865}{23903}Excellent, sir.
And what's the third?
{23907}{23939}The third is most important...
{23943}{24054}Don't get drunk and let him shag you|on the veranda.
{24183}{24222}How do I look, Darling?
{24227}{24276}Girl-bait, sir.
{24279}{24324}Pure bloody girl-bait.
{24328}{24370}Moustache bushy enough?
{24374}{24418}Like a private hedge, sir.
{24422}{24475}Good, because I want to catch {24479}{24520}a particularly beautiful creature {24524}{24566}in this bush tonight.
{24570}{24605}I'm sure you'll be combing women {24609}{24654}out of your moustache for weeks, sir.
{24658}{24731}God, it's a spankingly beautiful world, {24734}{24777}and tonight's my night.
{24781}{24826}I know exactly what I'll say to her.
{24830}{24850}{y:i}Darling...
{24855}{24885}Yes, sir?
{24890}{24914}What?
{24918}{24961}Um, I don't know, sir.
{24965}{25013}- Well, don't butt in!|- Sorry, sir.
{25017}{25066}{y:i}I want to make you happy, darling.
{25070}{25109}Well, that's very kind of you, sir.
{25113}{25162}Will you kindly stop interrupting!
{25166}{25185}If you don't listen, {25190}{25221}how can you tell me what you think?
{25225}{25276}{y:i}I want to make you happy, darling.
{25280}{25335}{y:i}I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes.
{25339}{25442}{y:i}I want to cover every inch|of your gorgeous body in pepper, {25443}{25487}{y:i}and then sneeze all over you.
{25491}{25534}Really, sir, I must protest!
{25538}{25576}What is the "matter" with you, Darling?
{25580}{25644}Well, it's all so sudden, {25648}{25715}I mean, the nest bit's fine, {25718}{25771}but the pepper business is definitely out!
{25774}{25809}How dare you tell me {25814}{25871}how I may or may not|treat my beloved Georgina!
{25874}{25896}Georgina?
{25901}{25963}Yes, I'm working on what|I want to say to her this evening.
{25966}{26010}Oh, yes.
Of course.
{26014}{26049}Thank God.
{26053}{26079}All right?
{26084}{26115}Yes, I'm listening, sir.
{26120}{26164}Honestly darling, you really are {26168}{26245}the most graceless,|dimwitted bumpkin I ever met.
{26247}{26305}I don't think you should say that to her.
{26390}{26409}Where the hell's that George?
{26414}{26451}It's three o'clock in the morning, {26456}{26502}he should be careful wandering|the trench at night {26505}{26583}with nothing to protect|his honor but a cricket box.
{26586}{26634}Hello, Captain.
{26638}{26686}About time!
Where the hell have you been?
{26690}{26747}Well I don't know,|it's all been like a dream, {26750}{26797}my very first ball.
{26801}{26873}The music, the dancing, the champagne...
{26876}{26957}My mind is a mad whirl|of half-whispered conversations, {26959}{27036}with a promise of indiscretion|ever hanging in the air.
{27039}{27130}Oh, did that old stoat Melchett|try for a snog behind the fruit cup?
{27132}{27171}Certainly not!
{27175}{27217}The general behaved like|a perfect gentleman.
{27221}{27273}We tired the moon with our talking {27277}{27297}about everything and nothing.
{27302}{27353}The war, marriage, {27357}{27439}proposed changes to the LBW rule.
{27441}{27491}Melchett isn't married, is he?
{27495}{27527}No, no, all his life, {27531}{27560}he's been waiting|to meet the perfect woman.
{27565}{27609}And at last, tonight, he did.
{27613}{27678}Some poor unfortunate had old walrus-face {27681}{27727}dribbling in her ear all evening, did she?
{27731}{27777}Well yes, as a matter of fact I did have {27781}{27848}to drape a napkin over my shoulder.
{27878}{27932}George, are you trying to tell me {27935}{27985}that "you" are the general's perfect woman?
{27989}{28074}Well, yes, I rather think I am.
{28076}{28125}Well, thank God the horny old blighter {28129}{28209}didn't ask you to marry him.
{28237}{28315}He did?!
{28312}{28336}Well, how did you get out of that one?
{28341}{28402}Well, to be honest, sir,|I'm not absolutely certain that I did.
{28405}{28429}What?!
{28434}{28500}You don't understand what it was like, sir.
{28503}{28569}You know, the candles, the music...|the huge moustache.
{28572}{28619}I don't know what came over me.
{28623}{28662}You said "yes?!"
{28666}{28715}After all, sir, he is a general, {28719}{28758}I didn't really feel I could refuse.
{28762}{28808}He might have had me court-martialed.
{28812}{28837}Whereas on the other hand, of course, {28842}{28873}he's going to give you the Victoria Cross {28877}{28951}when he lifts up your frock|on the wedding night {28954}{28986}and finds himself looking at {28991}{29028}the last turkey in the shop!
{29032}{29112}Yes, I-I-I know it's a mess, {29114}{29147}but, you see, it got me scriffy, {29152}{29192}and then when he looked into my eyes {29196}{29240}and said, "Chipmunk, I love you"...
{29244}{29286}Chipmunk?!!
{29290}{29341}It's his special name for me, you see.
{29345}{29400}He says my nose looks|just like a chipmunk's.
{29403}{29432}Oh, God!
{29437}{29481}We're in serious, serious trouble here.
{29485}{29541}If the general ever finds out|that Gorgeous Georgina {29544}{29586}is, in fact, a strapping six-footer {29590}{29621}from the rough end of the trench, {29626}{29680}it could precipitate the fastest execution {29683}{29709}since someone said, {29714}{29818}{y:i}This Guy Fawkes bloke,|{y:i}do we let him off, or wot?
{29877}{29913}Hello?
{29918}{29947}Yes, sir.
{29951}{30008}Straightaway, sir.
{30012}{30081}That was your fianc�...
{30084}{30125}Chipmunk.
{30129}{30156}He wants to see me.
{30160}{30246}If I should die, think only this of me...
{30249}{30355}I'll be back to get you.
{30424}{30477}Sir, I can explain everything.
{30481}{30535}Can you, Blackadder, can you?
{30538}{30562}Well...
{30567}{30607}No, sir, not really.
{30611}{30655}I thought not, I thought not.
{30659}{30736}Who can explain the mysteries of love?
{30739}{30801}I'm in love with Georgina, Blackadder.
{30804}{30845}I'm going to marry her on Saturday {30849}{30913}and I want you to be my best man.
{30916}{30977}I don't think that would be|a very good idea, sir.
{30981}{31008}And why not?
{31012}{31103}Because there's something wrong|with your fianc�e, sir.
{31105}{31167}Oh, my God, she's not Welsh, is she?
{31171}{31220}No, sir.
{31223}{31274}Um, it's a terrible story, but true.
{31278}{31302}Just a few minutes ago {31307}{31355}Georgina arrived unexpectedly in my trench.
{31359}{31418}She was literally dancing with joy {31421}{31474}as though something wonderful|had happened to her.
{31478}{31507}Makes sense.
{31511}{31551}Unfortunately, she was in such a daze, {31555}{31592}she danced straight through the trench {31597}{31628}and out into No Man's Land.
{31632}{31704}I tried to stop her, but before I could say, {31707}{31734}{y:i}Don't tread on a mine, {31739}{31791}she trod on a mine.
{31852}{31903}Well, I say "a mine,"|it was more a cluster of mines, {31907}{31939}and she was blown to smithereens, {31943}{31992}and as she rocketed up into the air, {31996}{32057}she said something I couldn't quite catch, {32060}{32117}something totally incomprehensible to me, {32121}{32219}something like, "Tell him his little chipmunk|will love him forever!"
{32360}{32400}It's heartbreaking, sir.
{32404}{32427}I'm sorry, sir.
{32431}{32503}Oh, well, can't be helped, can't be helped.
{32506}{32549}It's jolly bad luck, sir.
{32553}{32577}Hey ho.
{32582}{32605}Of course, on top of everything else, {32610}{32652}without your leading lady, {32656}{32694}you won't be able to put on a show.
{32698}{32770}So, no show, no London Palladium.
{32773}{32804}On the contrary.
{32809}{32867}I'm simply intending to rename it {32870}{32929}{y:i}The Georgina Melchett Memorial Show.
{32932}{32985}Oh no, Georgina was the only thing {32989}{33027}that made the show come alive.
{33031}{33078}Apart from her, it was all awful!
{33082}{33098}Awful!
{33103}{33188}You'll never find another girl|like Georgina by tomorrow.
{33190}{33245}Well, it's funny you should say that, sir, {33249}{33287}because I think I already have.
{33291}{33331}- Who is she?|- Who is she?
{33335}{33364}So, come on, sir, who is she?
{33369}{33430}Well, that's the problem.|I haven't a bloody clue!
{33433}{33523}The only attractive woman around here|is carved out of stone, called "Venus," {33525}{33623}and is standing in a fountain|in the middle of the town square {33625}{33661}with water coming out of her armpits.
{33665}{33714}So we're a bit stuck.
{33718}{33729}Morning, chaps.
{33735}{33760}Morning, Bob.
{33764}{33800}You can say that again, George.
{33805}{33842}We're in the stickiest situation {33846}{33894}since Sticky the Stick Insect {33898}{33971}got stuck on a sticky bun.
{33973}{34020}We are in trouble.
{34024}{34121}Not any longer, sir!
{34138}{34246}May I present my cunning plan.
{34247}{34292}Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick!
{34296}{34325}Can you sing, can you dance?
{34329}{34385}Or are you offering to be sawn in half?
{34389}{34446}I don't think those things are important {34449}{34473}in a modern marriage, sir.
{34478}{34563}I offer simple home cooking.
{34565}{34613}Baldrick, our plan is to find {34617}{34659}a new leading lady for our show.
{34663}{34701}What is your plan?
{34706}{34788}My plan is that I will marry General Melchett.
{34790}{34887}I am "The Other Woman."
{34889}{34937}Well, congratulations, Baldrick.
{34941}{34967}I hope you'll be very happy.
{34971}{35045}I will, sir, 'cos when I|get back from honeymoon, {35048}{35094}I will be a member of the aristocracy {35098}{35166}and you will have to call me "M'Lady."
{35169}{35213}What happened to your|revolutionary principles?
{35217}{35261}I thought you hated|the aristocracy.
{35265}{35344}I'm working to bring down|the system from within, sir.
{35347}{35416}I'm a sort of a frozen horse.
{35419}{35479}Trojan horse, Baldrick.
{35482}{35522}Anyway, I can't see|what's so stupid about {35526}{35576}marrying into wealth and money {35580}{35616}and not having to sleep in a puddle.
{35620}{35665}Baldrick, no!
{35669}{35736}It's the worst plan since|Abraham Lincoln said, {35739}{35783}{y:i}Oh, I'm sick of kicking|{y:i}around the house tonight, {35787}{35837}{y:i}let's go take in a show.
{35841}{35899}For a start, General Melchett is in mourning {35902}{35942}for the woman of his dreams.
{35946}{35991}He's unlikely to be in the mood to marry {35995}{36053}a two-legged badger|wrapped in a curtain.
{36057}{36126}Secondly, we are looking|for a great entertainer, {36129}{36172}and you're the worst entertainer since {36176}{36222}St.
Paul the Evangelist toured Palestine {36225}{36277}with his trampoline act.
{36281}{36341}No, we'll have to find somebody else.
{36344}{36399}What about Corporal Cartwright, sir?
{36403}{36477}Corporal Cartwright|looks like an orang-utan.
{36480}{36513}I've heard of The Bearded Lady, {36517}{36556}but the All-Over Body Hair Lady {36560}{36604}frankly just isn't on.
{36608}{36659}- Willis?|- Too short.
{36663}{36725}- Petheridge?|- Too old.
{36728}{36765}Taplow?
{36770}{36823}Too dead.
{36826}{36866}Oh, this is hopeless.
{36870}{36932}There just isn't anyone!
{36936}{36986}# Goodbyeee, goodbyeee # {36989}{37070}# Wipe the tear,|baby dear, from your eye # {37073}{37118}What am I doing?
{37122}{37139}Bob!
{37144}{37173}Sir?
{37177}{37228}What a brilliant idea!
{37232}{37366}Bob, can you think of anyone|who can be our leading lady?
{37496}{37541}What do you think, Bob, one more?
{37545}{37578}No, George, always leave them hungry.
{37582}{37607}Congratulations, Bob.
{37612}{37666}I have to admit, I thought|you were bloody marvellous.
{37670}{37738}Permission to slip into something|more uncomfortable, sir.
{37741}{37782}Permission granted.
{37786}{37844}Oh sir, it's going|to be wonderful.
{37847}{37925}Not just for me, but for|my little partner, Graham.
{37928}{38012}Doing our Charlie Chaplin|all 'round the world.
{38014}{38058}Yes, from Shaftsbury Avenue {38062}{38081}to the Cote d'Azur, {38086}{38105}they'll be saying, {38110}{38139}{y:i}I like the little black one, {38144}{38183}{y:i}but who's that berk he's sitting on?
{38187}{38218}I'm not with you, sir.
{38222}{38246}No, of course not.
{38251}{38283}But don't worry, we'll have years {38288}{38332}In luxury hotels for me to explain.
{38336}{38360}Now you two get packing, get packing.
{38364}{38403}The boat-train leaves at six, {38407}{38451}and we're going to be on it.
{38455}{38474}Blackadder.
{38479}{38506}Ah, Darling, everything all right?
{38511}{38538}Oh, yes.
{38543}{38564}Got the tickets?
{38569}{38594}Oh, yes.
{38598}{38632}Blackadder?
{38637}{38681}Oh, hi, General.
Enjoy the show?
{38685}{38711}Don't be ridiculous, {38715}{38749}the worst evening|I've ever spent in my life!
{38754}{38773}I'm sorry?
{38778}{38825}Will you stand still when|I'm talking to you!
{38829}{38879}If by a man's works|shall ye know him, {38882}{38923}then you are a steaming|pile of horse manure!
{38928}{38987}But surely, sir, the show was a triumph.
{38990}{39009}A triumph?!
{39014}{39098}The three twerps were one twerp short...
{39100}{39127}{y:i}gin!
...
{39132}{39181}the slug balancer seems now {39185}{39286}to be doing some feeble|impression of Buster Keaton...
{39287}{39321}And worst of all...
{39326}{39375}the crowning turd in the water pipe...
{39379}{39446}that revolting drag act at the end!
{39449}{39494}Drag act?
{39498}{39570}Yes, poor Bob Parkhurst's|being made to look a total ass!
{39572}{39615}With that thin, reedy voice {39619}{39669}and that stupid effeminate dancing!
{39673}{39698}{y:i}Ahhh {39703}{39771}So the show's cancelled...
permanently.
{39774}{39802}But what about the men's morale, sir, {39806}{39843}with the Russians out|of the war and everything?
{39848}{39880}Oh for goodness sake, Blackadder, {39884}{39918}have you been living in a cave?
{39923}{39983}The Americans joined the war yesterday.
{39986}{40057}So how is that going to improve|the men's morale, sir?
{40060}{40122}Ohhh, because, you jibbering imbecile, {40125}{40183}they've brought with them|the largest collection {40186}{40251}Of Charlie Chaplin films in existence!
{40255}{40300}Oh, I've lost patience with you.|Fill him in, Darling.
{40304}{40344}Yes, sir.
{40348}{40395}We received a telegram this morning {40399}{40461}From Mr.
Chaplin himself,|at Sennett Studios.
{40464}{40527}{y:i}Twice-nightly screening|{y:i}of my films in trenches, {40530}{40565}{y:i}excellent idea.
Stop.
{40569}{40676}{y:i}But must insist E.
Blackadder|{y:i}be projectionist.
Stop.
{40678}{40824}{y:i}Oh, P.S., don't let him ever...
stop.
{40821}{40861}Oh, great.
{40865}{40889}No hard feelings, eh, Blackadder?
{40894}{40952}Not at all, Darling.
{40955}{41065}Uh, care for a liquorice alsort?
{41087}{41169}Well, thank you.
{41959}{42159}Ripped with SubRip 1.10 and Verified by CdinT|(Cristi_Polacsek@SoftHome.net) {42152}{42291}I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it!
:D
{1068}{1175}Eyes, right!
{1534}{1557}You a bit cheesed off, sir?
{1561}{1615}George, the day|this war began {1619}{1644}I was cheesed off.
{1649}{1695}Within ten minutes|of you turning up, {1699}{1725}I finished the cheese {1729}{1773}and moved on|to the coffee and cigars.
{1777}{1811}And at this late stage, {1816}{1868}I'm in a cab with|two lady companions {1871}{1946}on my way to the Pink Pussycat|in Lower Regency.
{1949}{1989}Oh, because if you are cheesed off, {1993}{2026}you know what would cheer you up?
{2031}{2076}And that's a Charlie Chaplin film.
{2079}{2114}Oh, I love old Chappers, {2119}{2132}don't you, Cap?
{2137}{2181}Unfortunately, no, I don't.
{2185}{2215}I find his films about as funny {2220}{2253}as getting an arrow through the neck {2257}{2340}and then discovering|there's a gas bill tied to it.
{2342}{2450}Ah, beg pardon, sir, but come off!
{2452}{2507}His films are ball-bouncingly funny.
{2510}{2562}Rubbish!
{2566}{2613}All right, let's consult|the men for a casting vote.
{2617}{2655}- Baldrick?|- Sir!
{2659}{2701}Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick.|What do you make of him?
{2705}{2757}Oh sir, he's as funny as a vegetable {2761}{2846}that's grown into|a rude and amusing shape, sir.
{2848}{2892}So you agree with me.
{2896}{2917}Not at all funny.
{2922}{2977}Oh come on, Skipper, play fair.
{2980}{2999}In that last film of his, {3004}{3044}when he kicked that|fellow in the backside, {3049}{3088}I thought I'd die!
{3092}{3139}Well, if that's your idea of comedy, {3143}{3181}we can provide our own|without expending {3185}{3243}a ha'penny for the privilege.
{3246}{3279}There, did you find that funny?
{3284}{3325}Well, no of course not, sir, {3329}{3382}but you see, Chaplin is a genius.
{3385}{3421}He certainly is a genius, George.
{3426}{3451}He invented a way of getting paid {3455}{3475}a million dollars a year {3480}{3535}for wearing a pair of stupid trousers.
{3539}{3572}Did you find that funny, Baldrick?
{3576}{3643}What funny, sir?
{3657}{3675}That funny.
{3680}{3749}No sir, and you mustn't do that to me sir, {3752}{3838}because that is a bourgeois act|of repression, sir.
{3840}{3870}What?
{3875}{3925}Haven't you smelt it sir?
{3928}{4000}There's something afoot in the wind.
{4003}{4096}The huddled masses yearning to be free.
{4098}{4188}Baldrick, have you been|to the diesel oil again?
{4190}{4264}No, sir, I've been supping|the milk of freedom.
{4267}{4316}Already our Russian comrades {4320}{4369}are poised on the brink of revolution.
{4373}{4408}And here too, sir, {4412}{4479}the huddled what's-names,|such as myself, sir, {4482}{4543}are ready to throw off|the hated oppressors {4546}{4576}like you and the lieutenant.
{4581}{4628}Present company excepted, sir.
{4632}{4676}Go and clean out the latrines.
{4680}{4749}Yes sir, right away, sir.
{4752}{4824}Now, the reason why Chaplin is so funny {4827}{4881}is because he's part of {4884}{4917}the great British music hall tradition.
{4922}{4983}Oh yes, the great British music hall tradition.
{4986}{5061}Two men with incredibly|unconvincing cockney accents, {5064}{5083}going, "What's up with you, then?"
{5088}{5107}{y:i}What's up with me, then?
{5112}{5131}{y:i}Yeah, what's up with you, then?
{5136}{5165}{y:i}I'll tell you what's up with me...
{5169}{5209}{y:i}I'm right round off,|{y:i}that's what's up with me.
{5213}{5273}Get on with it!!!
{5277}{5328}Now, sir, that was funny!
{5331}{5393}You should go on the boards yourself!
{5397}{5432}Thank you, George, but if you don't mind, {5436}{5485}I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer-thin {5489}{5529}by a steak tenderizer {5533}{5581}and then stapled to the floor {5585}{5648}with a croquet hoop.
{5651}{5694}Sir, sir, it's all over the trenches!
{5698}{5743}Well, mop it up then.
{5747}{5788}No, sir, the news!
{5792}{5847}The Russian Revolution has started.
{5850}{5925}The masses have risen up|and shuttled their nobs!
{5928}{5963}Well, hurrah!
{5968}{6045}Oh, no, the bloody Russians|have pulled out of the war.
{6047}{6098}Well, we soon saw them off,|didn't we sir?
{6102}{6144}Miserable slant-eyed, {6148}{6193}sausage-eating swine.
{6197}{6261}The Russians are on "our" side, George.
{6264}{6286}Are they?
{6291}{6331}And they've abandoned the eastern front.
{6335}{6379}And they've overthrown Nicholas II {6383}{6427}who used to be bizarre.
{6431}{6535}Who used to be "the" czar, Baldrick.
{6537}{6578}The point is that now the Russians {6582}{6607}have made peace with the Kaiser, {6611}{6635}at this very moment, {6640}{6677}over three quarters of a million Germans {6681}{6705}are leaving the Russian front {6710}{6763}and coming over here with|the express purpose {6767}{6820}of using my nipples for target practice.
{6823}{6854}There's only one thing for it, {6859}{6882}I'm going to have to desert, {6887}{6931}and I'm going to do it right now.
{6935}{6971}Are you leaving us, Blackadder?
{6975}{6998}No, sir.
{7003}{7039}Well, I'm relieved to hear it,|because I need you {7043}{7112}to help me shoot some deserters later on.
{7115}{7171}There have been subversive mutterings {7175}{7203}amongst the men.
{7207}{7260}You'll recall the French army|last year at Verdun {7264}{7290}where the top echelons suffered {7295}{7368}from horrendous uprisings from the bottom.
{7370}{7423}Yes sir, but surely that was traced {7427}{7478}to a shipment of garlic eclairs.
{7482}{7506}Nonsense, Blackadder!
{7510}{7576}It was bolshiness...|plain bolshiness!
{7580}{7627}And now that the Ruskies have followed suit, {7630}{7690}I'm damned if I'm gonna let|the same thing happen here.
{7694}{7738}Oh, and what are you going|to do about it, sir?
{7742}{7792}We're going to have a concert party {7795}{7838}to boost the men's morale.
{7842}{7895}A concert party.
Well, hurrah!
{7899}{7988}You fancy an evening at|a concert party, Blackadder?
{7990}{8046}Well, frankly sir, I'd rather spend an evening {8050}{8091}on top of a stepladder in No-Man's Land {8095}{8133}smoking endless cigarettes {8137}{8191}through a luminous balaclava.
{8195}{8292}Yes, I didn't think|it would be quite your cup of tea.
{8293}{8331}But I do need someone {8336}{8369}to help me organize it, you know.
{8373}{8440}Obviously not a tough,|grizzled soldier like yourself, {8443}{8509}but some kind of damp-eyed nancy-boy {8512}{8543}who'd be prepared to spend {8548}{8595}the rest of the war in the London Palladium.
{8599}{8684}The show's going to|the London Palladium, sir?
{8686}{8712}Oh, yes, of course.
{8717}{8765}It's no good crushing|a revolution over here {8768}{8801}only to get back home to Blighty {8806}{8849}and find that everyone's wearing overalls {8853}{8922}and breaking wind in|the palaces of the mighty.
{8925}{8956}Good point, sir.
{8960}{8985}Now, the thing is, Blackadder, {8990}{9017}finding a man to organize a concert party {9022}{9051}is going to be damn difficult.
{9055}{9113}So, I've come up with rather|a cunning set of questions {9117}{9185}with which to test the candidate's|suitability for the job.
{9188}{9238}And what sort of questions|would these be, sir?
{9241}{9281}Well, the first question is, {9286}{9323}{y:i}Do you like Charlie Chaplin?
{9327}{9369}Ah.
{9373}{9427}Dismissed, Lieutenant.
{9430}{9455}{y:i}Do you like Charlie Chaplin?
{9460}{9498}Yes, that is a good question|for a candidate, {9502}{9549}to which my answer|would of course be {9553}{9589}{y:i}Yes, I love him.
{9594}{9611}Love him, sir, {9616}{9645}particularly the amusing kicks.
{9649}{9680}But, sir, I thought you said...
{9685}{9734}Goodbye, George.
{9738}{9786}And the second question is, {9789}{9818}{y:i}Do you like music hall?
{9823}{9898}Ah, yes, another good question, sir.
{9901}{9929}Again, my answer would have to be {9933}{9977}{y:i}Yes, absolutely love it.
{9981}{10065}# Oops, Mr.
Rothschild,|'ows yer apples and pears # {10068}{10098}Umm, yes.
{10102}{10127}Well, it's my view, Blackadder, that the kind {10132}{10194}of person who would answer|"yes" to both questions {10197}{10261}would be ideal for the jo...
{10264}{10313}Wait a minute!
{10317}{10331}What, sir?
{10336}{10400}Why, without knowing it, Blackadder, {10403}{10462}you've inadvertently shown me {10466}{10514}that "you" could do the job.
{10518}{10582}Have I, sir?
{10585}{10627}Yes, sir!
You have, sir!
{10631}{10683}And I want you to start work straightaway.
{10687}{10728}A couple of shows over the weekend, {10732}{10752}and if all goes well, {10757}{10818}we'll start you off in London next Monday.
{10821}{10878}Oh, damn.
{10881}{10962}If you need any help fetching and carrying, {10965}{11002}backstage and so on, {11006}{11032}I'll lend you my driver if you like.
{11037}{11105}Bob!
{11134}{11180}Driver Parkhurst reporting for duty, sir!
{11184}{11239}All right, at ease, Bob, stand easy.
{11242}{11266}Captain Blackadder, this is Bob.
{11271}{11312}Bob?
{11316}{11369}Good morning, sir.
{11373}{11417}Unusual name for a girl.
{11421}{11485}Well, yes, it would be|an unusual name for a girl, {11488}{11535}but it's a perfectly straightforward name {11539}{11569}for a young chap like you, eh, Bob?
{11573}{11641}Now, Bob, I want you to bunk up with|Captain Blackadder {11644}{11687}for a couple of days, all right?
{11691}{11711}Yes, sir.
{11716}{11742}I think you'll find Bob {11747}{11776}just the man for this job, Blackadder.
{11780}{11837}He has a splendid sense of humour.
{11841}{11897}He, sir?
He?
He?
{11900}{11987}You see, you're laughing already!
{11998}{12029}Well, Bob, I'll leave you two together.
{12034}{12074}Why don't you get to know each other, {12078}{12103}play a game of cribbage, {12108}{12136}have a smoke, something like that.
{12140}{12162}They tell me that Captain Blackadder {12167}{12262}has rather a good line in rough shag.
{12264}{12393}I'm sure he'd be happy to fill your pipe.|Carry on.
{12418}{12457}So you're a "chap," are you, Bob?
{12461}{12496}Oh, yes, sir.
{12570}{12641}You wouldn't say you were a girl at all?
{12644}{12683}Oh, definitely not, sir.
{12687}{12780}I understand cricket, I fart in bed, everything.
{12782}{12807}Let me put it another way, Bob.
{12812}{12859}You are a girl, {12863}{12913}and you're a girl with as much talent|for disguise {12916}{12945}as a giraffe in dark glasses {12950}{13028}trying to get into a|"Polar Bears Only" golf club.
{13031}{13106}Oh, sir, please don't give me away, sir.
{13108}{13163}I just wanted to be like|my brothers and join up.
{13167}{13222}I want to see how a war is fought, {13225}{13252}so badly.
{13257}{13312}Well, you've come to the right place, Bob.
{13316}{13361}A war hasn't been fought this badly {13365}{13429}since Olaf the Hairy,|high chief of all the Vikings, {13432}{13488}accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets {13491}{13568}with the horns on the "inside" {13571}{13639}I want to do my bit for the boys, sir.
{13642}{13671}Oh, really?
{13675}{13718}I'll do anything, sir!
{13722}{13793}Yes, I'd keep that|to yourself, if I was you.
{13796}{13864}All right Bob, the second half starts with {13867}{13935}Corporals Smith and Johnson|as the three silly twerps.
{13938}{13958}All right, sir.
{13963}{14061}The big joke being there's only two of them.
{14063}{14153}Ha ha!
I love that!|That always cracks me up, sir.
{14155}{14284}Followed by Baldrick's impersonation|of Charlie Chaplin.
{14395}{14464}Yes.
Bob, take a telegram.
{14467}{14561}{y:i}Mr.
C.
Chaplin, Sennett Studios,|{y:i}Hollywood, California.
{14563}{14585}{y:i}Congrats.
Stop.
{14590}{14631}{y:i}Have discovered|{y:i}only person in world {14635}{14672}{y:i}less funny than you.
Stop.
{14676}{14727}{y:i}Name, Baldrick.
Stop.
{14731}{14762}{y:i}Yours, E .
Blackadder.
Stop.
{14766}{14800}Oh, and put a P.S.
{14805}{14887}{y:i}Please, please, "please" stop.
{14889}{14955}And then after that we have,|ladies and gentlemen, {14958}{15005}the highlight of our show...
{15009}{15081}Da-daaa...
{15167}{15257}I feel fantastic!
{15259}{15287}Gorgeous Georgina, {15291}{15352}the traditional soldier's drag act.
{15356}{15438}You look absolutely lovely, sir.
{15440}{15495}Baldrick, you are either lying, blind or mad.
{15499}{15573}The lieutenant looks like all soldiers look|on these occasions, {15575}{15628}about as feminine as W.G.
Grace.
{15632}{15671}What are you gonna give 'em, George?
{15675}{15744}Well, I thought one or two cheeky gags, {15747}{15827}followed by "She Was Only|The Ironmonger's Daughter, {15830}{15944}"But She Knew A Surprising|Amount About Fish, As Well" {15945}{15985}Inspired.
{15989}{16028}Well, at least you made|an effort with the dress.
{16032}{16058}What about your costume, Baldrick?
{16063}{16094}I'm in it, sir.
{16098}{16120}I see.
{16125}{16161}So your Charlie Chaplin costume {16165}{16206}consists of that hat.
{16211}{16291}Yes, sir, except that in this box, {16293}{16338}I have a dead slug {16342}{16424}as a brilliant false moustache.
{16426}{16478}Yes, only "quite" brilliant, I fear.
{16482}{16525}How, for instance, are you|to attach it to your face?
{16529}{16556}Well, I was hoping to {16561}{16614}persuade the slug to cling on, sir.
{16617}{16670}Baldrick, the slug is dead.
{16674}{16718}If it failed to cling on to life, {16722}{16762}I see no reason why it should wish {16766}{16814}to cling on to your upper lip.
{16818}{16870}Baldrick, Baldrick, come over here.
{16874}{16909}Slugs are always a problem.
{16913}{16933}What you've got to do is {16938}{16975}screw your face up like this, you see, {16979}{17045}and then you can clamp it between|your top lip and your nose.
{17048}{17076}What?
Like this, sir?
{17081}{17126}That's it.
Splendid!
{17130}{17212}Sir, sir, there's a visitor to see you.
{17214}{17276}Good Lord...
Mr.
Chaplin!
{17279}{17342}This is indeed an honor.
{17346}{17390}Why, it calls for some sort of celebration.
{17394}{17466}Baldrick, Baldrick!
{17478}{17579}Sir, that is extraordinary, because...
{17605}{17650}Because, you see, this isn't Chaplin at all...
{17654}{17688}this "is" Baldrick!
{17692}{17775}Yes, it's me, sir!
{17777}{17864}I know, I know.
{17867}{17916}I was, in fact, being sarcastic.
{17919}{17981}Oh, I see.
{17985}{18041}Everything goes above|your head, doesn't it, George?
{18044}{18138}You should go to Jamaica|and become a limbo dancer.
{18226}{18285}They love him, sir.
We're a hit!
{18288}{18332}Yes, in one short evening, I've become {18336}{18366}the most successful impresario {18370}{18439}since the manager of the Roman Coliseum|thought of putting {18442}{18493}the Christians and the lions|on the same bill.
{18497}{18591}Sir, some people seem to think|that I was best!
{18593}{18612}Would you agree?
{18617}{18644}Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests, {18649}{18704}there are tribes of Indians|as yet untouched by civilization {18707}{18744}who have developed {18749}{18811}more convincing Charlie Chaplin|impressions than yours.
{18814}{18862}Thank you very much, sir.
{18866}{18932}He's coming off.
{18935}{18978}What do you think, Bob, one more?
{18982}{19074}God, I love the theatre!
{19097}{19160}It's in my blood and in my soul!
{19163}{19194}Baldrick, put those in some water, will you?
{19199}{19279}Yes, sir.
{19293}{19341}I need that applause in the same way {19344}{19453}that an ostler needs his...
ostle.
{19455}{19486}Well done, sir!
{19490}{19592}No, really, I was hopeless.|I mean, tell me honestly, sir, {19594}{19650}- I was, wasn't I?|- Well...
{19653}{19720}Come on, sir, out with it,|I was hopeless, wasn't I?
{19723}{19765}You're trying to be nice|and that's very sweet of you, {19769}{19815}but sir, please, I can take it,|I was hopeless.
{19819}{19902}George, you were bloody awful.
{19961}{20003}But you can't argue with the box office.
{20007}{20067}Personally, I thought you were the least|convincing female impressionist {20071}{20117}since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag {20121}{20153}and ate her lipstick.
{20157}{20210}But I'm clearly in a minority.
{20214}{20312}Look out London, here we come!
{20392}{20412}Ah, Captain Darling.
{20417}{20456}Ah, Captain Blackadder.
{20460}{20526}I must say, I had|an absolutely splendid evening.
{20529}{20562}Oh, glad you enjoyed the show.
{20567}{20598}The show?
{20602}{20659}I didn't go to the show.
{20663}{20703}Important regimental business.
{20707}{20748}A lorry load of paper clips arrive?
{20752}{20835}Two lorry loads, actually.
{20837}{20870}Ah...
{20875}{20937}Welcome to the great director...
{20940}{20970}Maestro!
{20975}{21005}You enjoyed it, sir?
{21009}{21051}Well, it was mostly awful, {21055}{21160}but I enjoyed the slug balancer.
{21156}{21212}Ah!
Private Baldrick, sir.
{21215}{21237}That's right, yes.
{21242}{21277}The slug fell off a couple of times, {21282}{21344}but you can't have everything, can you?
{21347}{21392}I'd just suggest a bit more practice {21396}{21471}and perhaps a little|sparkly costume for the slug.
{21474}{21540}I'll pass that on, sir.
{21543}{21592}But I do have certain other reasons {21595}{21631}for believing the show to be {21636}{21664}nothing but a triumph.
{21668}{21735}Captain Darling has your|travel arrangements, {21738}{21799}ticket to Dover,|rooms at the Ritz and so forth.
{21803}{21823}Thank you, sir.
{21828}{21927}However, there is one small|thing you might do for me.
{21928}{21973}Yes?
{21977}{22044}Captain Blackadder,|I should esteem it {22047}{22096}a signal honor if you would allow me {22100}{22140}to escort your leading lady {22144}{22183}to the regimental ball this evening.
{22187}{22237}My leading lady?
{22241}{22270}The fair Georgina.
{22275}{22330}Ah, ha-ha, very amusing.
{22333}{22373}You think she'd laugh in my face?
{22377}{22408}I'm too old, too crusty?
{22413}{22476}Uh, no, no.
{22479}{22552}It's just that as her director,|I'm afraid I could not allow it.
{22555}{22618}I could always find another|director who "would" allow it.
{22621}{22658}Quite.
{22662}{22696}I'll see what I can do, {22701}{22748}but I must insist that|she be home by midnight {22752}{22824}and that there be no|hanky-panky, sir, whatsoever.
{22827}{22882}I shall, of course, respect|your wishes, Blackadder.
{22885}{22937}However I don't think you|need to be quite so protective.
{22941}{22985}I'm sure she's a girl|with a great deal more spunk {22989}{23064}than most women you'll find.
{23061}{23105}Oh, dear me.
{23109}{23148}Absolutely not, sir.
{23152}{23220}It's profoundly immoral,|and utterly wrong.
{23223}{23240}I will not do it.
{23245}{23285}We can always find another leading lady.
{23289}{23338}Well, the dress will need a clean.
{23342}{23369}Excellent.
{23373}{23409}Now, the important thing is {23414}{23448}that Melchett should,|under no circumstances, {23452}{23482}realize that you're a man.
{23487}{23519}Yes, yes, I understand that.
{23523}{23590}In order to ensure this,|there are three basic rules.
{23593}{23644}One, you must never...|I repeat, never...
{23648}{23673}remove your wig.
{23678}{23710}All right.
{23714}{23752}Second, never say anything.
{23756}{23804}I'll tell him at the beginning of the evening {23808}{23861}that you're saving your voice|for the opening night in London.
{23865}{23903}Excellent, sir.
And what's the third?
{23907}{23939}The third is most important...
{23943}{24054}Don't get drunk and let him shag you|on the veranda.
{24183}{24222}How do I look, Darling?
{24227}{24276}Girl-bait, sir.
{24279}{24324}Pure bloody girl-bait.
{24328}{24370}Moustache bushy enough?
{24374}{24418}Like a private hedge, sir.
{24422}{24475}Good, because I want to catch {24479}{24520}a particularly beautiful creature {24524}{24566}in this bush tonight.
{24570}{24605}I'm sure you'll be combing women {24609}{24654}out of your moustache for weeks, sir.
{24658}{24731}God, it's a spankingly beautiful world, {24734}{24777}and tonight's my night.
{24781}{24826}I know exactly what I'll say to her.
{24830}{24850}{y:i}Darling...
{24855}{24885}Yes, sir?
{24890}{24914}What?
{24918}{24961}Um, I don't know, sir.
{24965}{25013}- Well, don't butt in!|- Sorry, sir.
{25017}{25066}{y:i}I want to make you happy, darling.
{25070}{25109}Well, that's very kind of you, sir.
{25113}{25162}Will you kindly stop interrupting!
{25166}{25185}If you don't listen, {25190}{25221}how can you tell me what you think?
{25225}{25276}{y:i}I want to make you happy, darling.
{25280}{25335}{y:i}I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes.
{25339}{25442}{y:i}I want to cover every inch|of your gorgeous body in pepper, {25443}{25487}{y:i}and then sneeze all over you.
{25491}{25534}Really, sir, I must protest!
{25538}{25576}What is the "matter" with you, Darling?
{25580}{25644}Well, it's all so sudden, {25648}{25715}I mean, the nest bit's fine, {25718}{25771}but the pepper business is definitely out!
{25774}{25809}How dare you tell me {25814}{25871}how I may or may not|treat my beloved Georgina!
{25874}{25896}Georgina?
{25901}{25963}Yes, I'm working on what|I want to say to her this evening.
{25966}{26010}Oh, yes.
Of course.
{26014}{26049}Thank God.
{26053}{26079}All right?
{26084}{26115}Yes, I'm listening, sir.
{26120}{26164}Honestly darling, you really are {26168}{26245}the most graceless,|dimwitted bumpkin I ever met.
{26247}{26305}I don't think you should say that to her.
{26390}{26409}Where the hell's that George?
{26414}{26451}It's three o'clock in the morning, {26456}{26502}he should be careful wandering|the trench at night {26505}{26583}with nothing to protect|his honor but a cricket box.
{26586}{26634}Hello, Captain.
{26638}{26686}About time!
Where the hell have you been?
{26690}{26747}Well I don't know,|it's all been like a dream, {26750}{26797}my very first ball.
{26801}{26873}The music, the dancing, the champagne...
{26876}{26957}My mind is a mad whirl|of half-whispered conversations, {26959}{27036}with a promise of indiscretion|ever hanging in the air.
{27039}{27130}Oh, did that old stoat Melchett|try for a snog behind the fruit cup?
{27132}{27171}Certainly not!
{27175}{27217}The general behaved like|a perfect gentleman.
{27221}{27273}We tired the moon with our talking {27277}{27297}about everything and nothing.
{27302}{27353}The war, marriage, {27357}{27439}proposed changes to the LBW rule.
{27441}{27491}Melchett isn't married, is he?
{27495}{27527}No, no, all his life, {27531}{27560}he's been waiting|to meet the perfect woman.
{27565}{27609}And at last, tonight, he did.
{27613}{27678}Some poor unfortunate had old walrus-face {27681}{27727}dribbling in her ear all evening, did she?
{27731}{27777}Well yes, as a matter of fact I did have {27781}{27848}to drape a napkin over my shoulder.
{27878}{27932}George, are you trying to tell me {27935}{27985}that "you" are the general's perfect woman?
{27989}{28074}Well, yes, I rather think I am.
{28076}{28125}Well, thank God the horny old blighter {28129}{28209}didn't ask you to marry him.
{28237}{28315}He did?!
{28312}{28336}Well, how did you get out of that one?
{28341}{28402}Well, to be honest, sir,|I'm not absolutely certain that I did.
{28405}{28429}What?!
{28434}{28500}You don't understand what it was like, sir.
{28503}{28569}You know, the candles, the music...|the huge moustache.
{28572}{28619}I don't know what came over me.
{28623}{28662}You said "yes?!"
{28666}{28715}After all, sir, he is a general, {28719}{28758}I didn't really feel I could refuse.
{28762}{28808}He might have had me court-martialed.
{28812}{28837}Whereas on the other hand, of course, {28842}{28873}he's going to give you the Victoria Cross {28877}{28951}when he lifts up your frock|on the wedding night {28954}{28986}and finds himself looking at {28991}{29028}the last turkey in the shop!
{29032}{29112}Yes, I-I-I know it's a mess, {29114}{29147}but, you see, it got me scriffy, {29152}{29192}and then when he looked into my eyes {29196}{29240}and said, "Chipmunk, I love you"...
{29244}{29286}Chipmunk?!!
{29290}{29341}It's his special name for me, you see.
{29345}{29400}He says my nose looks|just like a chipmunk's.
{29403}{29432}Oh, God!
{29437}{29481}We're in serious, serious trouble here.
{29485}{29541}If the general ever finds out|that Gorgeous Georgina {29544}{29586}is, in fact, a strapping six-footer {29590}{29621}from the rough end of the trench, {29626}{29680}it could precipitate the fastest execution {29683}{29709}since someone said, {29714}{29818}{y:i}This Guy Fawkes bloke,|{y:i}do we let him off, or wot?
{29877}{29913}Hello?
{29918}{29947}Yes, sir.
{29951}{30008}Straightaway, sir.
{30012}{30081}That was your fianc�...
{30084}{30125}Chipmunk.
{30129}{30156}He wants to see me.
{30160}{30246}If I should die, think only this of me...
{30249}{30355}I'll be back to get you.
{30424}{30477}Sir, I can explain everything.
{30481}{30535}Can you, Blackadder, can you?
{30538}{30562}Well...
{30567}{30607}No, sir, not really.
{30611}{30655}I thought not, I thought not.
{30659}{30736}Who can explain the mysteries of love?
{30739}{30801}I'm in love with Georgina, Blackadder.
{30804}{30845}I'm going to marry her on Saturday {30849}{30913}and I want you to be my best man.
{30916}{30977}I don't think that would be|a very good idea, sir.
{30981}{31008}And why not?
{31012}{31103}Because there's something wrong|with your fianc�e, sir.
{31105}{31167}Oh, my God, she's not Welsh, is she?
{31171}{31220}No, sir.
{31223}{31274}Um, it's a terrible story, but true.
{31278}{31302}Just a few minutes ago {31307}{31355}Georgina arrived unexpectedly in my trench.
{31359}{31418}She was literally dancing with joy {31421}{31474}as though something wonderful|had happened to her.
{31478}{31507}Makes sense.
{31511}{31551}Unfortunately, she was in such a daze, {31555}{31592}she danced straight through the trench {31597}{31628}and out into No Man's Land.
{31632}{31704}I tried to stop her, but before I could say, {31707}{31734}{y:i}Don't tread on a mine, {31739}{31791}she trod on a mine.
{31852}{31903}Well, I say "a mine,"|it was more a cluster of mines, {31907}{31939}and she was blown to smithereens, {31943}{31992}and as she rocketed up into the air, {31996}{32057}she said something I couldn't quite catch, {32060}{32117}something totally incomprehensible to me, {32121}{32219}something like, "Tell him his little chipmunk|will love him forever!"
{32360}{32400}It's heartbreaking, sir.
{32404}{32427}I'm sorry, sir.
{32431}{32503}Oh, well, can't be helped, can't be helped.
{32506}{32549}It's jolly bad luck, sir.
{32553}{32577}Hey ho.
{32582}{32605}Of course, on top of everything else, {32610}{32652}without your leading lady, {32656}{32694}you won't be able to put on a show.
{32698}{32770}So, no show, no London Palladium.
{32773}{32804}On the contrary.
{32809}{32867}I'm simply intending to rename it {32870}{32929}{y:i}The Georgina Melchett Memorial Show.
{32932}{32985}Oh no, Georgina was the only thing {32989}{33027}that made the show come alive.
{33031}{33078}Apart from her, it was all awful!
{33082}{33098}Awful!
{33103}{33188}You'll never find another girl|like Georgina by tomorrow.
{33190}{33245}Well, it's funny you should say that, sir, {33249}{33287}because I think I already have.
{33291}{33331}- Who is she?|- Who is she?
{33335}{33364}So, come on, sir, who is she?
{33369}{33430}Well, that's the problem.|I haven't a bloody clue!
{33433}{33523}The only attractive woman around here|is carved out of stone, called "Venus," {33525}{33623}and is standing in a fountain|in the middle of the town square {33625}{33661}with water coming out of her armpits.
{33665}{33714}So we're a bit stuck.
{33718}{33729}Morning, chaps.
{33735}{33760}Morning, Bob.
{33764}{33800}You can say that again, George.
{33805}{33842}We're in the stickiest situation {33846}{33894}since Sticky the Stick Insect {33898}{33971}got stuck on a sticky bun.
{33973}{34020}We are in trouble.
{34024}{34121}Not any longer, sir!
{34138}{34246}May I present my cunning plan.
{34247}{34292}Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick!
{34296}{34325}Can you sing, can you dance?
{34329}{34385}Or are you offering to be sawn in half?
{34389}{34446}I don't think those things are important {34449}{34473}in a modern marriage, sir.
{34478}{34563}I offer simple home cooking.
{34565}{34613}Baldrick, our plan is to find {34617}{34659}a new leading lady for our show.
{34663}{34701}What is your plan?
{34706}{34788}My plan is that I will marry General Melchett.
{34790}{34887}I am "The Other Woman."
{34889}{34937}Well, congratulations, Baldrick.
{34941}{34967}I hope you'll be very happy.
{34971}{35045}I will, sir, 'cos when I|get back from honeymoon, {35048}{35094}I will be a member of the aristocracy {35098}{35166}and you will have to call me "M'Lady."
{35169}{35213}What happened to your|revolutionary principles?
{35217}{35261}I thought you hated|the aristocracy.
{35265}{35344}I'm working to bring down|the system from within, sir.
{35347}{35416}I'm a sort of a frozen horse.
{35419}{35479}Trojan horse, Baldrick.
{35482}{35522}Anyway, I can't see|what's so stupid about {35526}{35576}marrying into wealth and money {35580}{35616}and not having to sleep in a puddle.
{35620}{35665}Baldrick, no!
{35669}{35736}It's the worst plan since|Abraham Lincoln said, {35739}{35783}{y:i}Oh, I'm sick of kicking|{y:i}around the house tonight, {35787}{35837}{y:i}let's go take in a show.
{35841}{35899}For a start, General Melchett is in mourning {35902}{35942}for the woman of his dreams.
{35946}{35991}He's unlikely to be in the mood to marry {35995}{36053}a two-legged badger|wrapped in a curtain.
{36057}{36126}Secondly, we are looking|for a great entertainer, {36129}{36172}and you're the worst entertainer since {36176}{36222}St.
Paul the Evangelist toured Palestine {36225}{36277}with his trampoline act.
{36281}{36341}No, we'll have to find somebody else.
{36344}{36399}What about Corporal Cartwright, sir?
{36403}{36477}Corporal Cartwright|looks like an orang-utan.
{36480}{36513}I've heard of The Bearded Lady, {36517}{36556}but the All-Over Body Hair Lady {36560}{36604}frankly just isn't on.
{36608}{36659}- Willis?|- Too short.
{36663}{36725}- Petheridge?|- Too old.
{36728}{36765}Taplow?
{36770}{36823}Too dead.
{36826}{36866}Oh, this is hopeless.
{36870}{36932}There just isn't anyone!
{36936}{36986}# Goodbyeee, goodbyeee # {36989}{37070}# Wipe the tear,|baby dear, from your eye # {37073}{37118}What am I doing?
{37122}{37139}Bob!
{37144}{37173}Sir?
{37177}{37228}What a brilliant idea!
{37232}{37366}Bob, can you think of anyone|who can be our leading lady?
{37496}{37541}What do you think, Bob, one more?
{37545}{37578}No, George, always leave them hungry.
{37582}{37607}Congratulations, Bob.
{37612}{37666}I have to admit, I thought|you were bloody marvellous.
{37670}{37738}Permission to slip into something|more uncomfortable, sir.
{37741}{37782}Permission granted.
{37786}{37844}Oh sir, it's going|to be wonderful.
{37847}{37925}Not just for me, but for|my little partner, Graham.
{37928}{38012}Doing our Charlie Chaplin|all 'round the world.
{38014}{38058}Yes, from Shaftsbury Avenue {38062}{38081}to the Cote d'Azur, {38086}{38105}they'll be saying, {38110}{38139}{y:i}I like the little black one, {38144}{38183}{y:i}but who's that berk he's sitting on?
{38187}{38218}I'm not with you, sir.
{38222}{38246}No, of course not.
{38251}{38283}But don't worry, we'll have years {38288}{38332}In luxury hotels for me to explain.
{38336}{38360}Now you two get packing, get packing.
{38364}{38403}The boat-train leaves at six, {38407}{38451}and we're going to be on it.
{38455}{38474}Blackadder.
{38479}{38506}Ah, Darling, everything all right?
{38511}{38538}Oh, yes.
{38543}{38564}Got the tickets?
{38569}{38594}Oh, yes.
{38598}{38632}Blackadder?
{38637}{38681}Oh, hi, General.
Enjoy the show?
{38685}{38711}Don't be ridiculous, {38715}{38749}the worst evening|I've ever spent in my life!
{38754}{38773}I'm sorry?
{38778}{38825}Will you stand still when|I'm talking to you!
{38829}{38879}If by a man's works|shall ye know him, {38882}{38923}then you are a steaming|pile of horse manure!
{38928}{38987}But surely, sir, the show was a triumph.
{38990}{39009}A triumph?!
{39014}{39098}The three twerps were one twerp short...
{39100}{39127}{y:i}gin!
...
{39132}{39181}the slug balancer seems now {39185}{39286}to be doing some feeble|impression of Buster Keaton...
{39287}{39321}And worst of all...
{39326}{39375}the crowning turd in the water pipe...
{39379}{39446}that revolting drag act at the end!
{39449}{39494}Drag act?
{39498}{39570}Yes, poor Bob Parkhurst's|being made to look a total ass!
{39572}{39615}With that thin, reedy voice {39619}{39669}and that stupid effeminate dancing!
{39673}{39698}{y:i}Ahhh {39703}{39771}So the show's cancelled...
permanently.
{39774}{39802}But what about the men's morale, sir, {39806}{39843}with the Russians out|of the war and everything?
{39848}{39880}Oh for goodness sake, Blackadder, {39884}{39918}have you been living in a cave?
{39923}{39983}The Americans joined the war yesterday.
{39986}{40057}So how is that going to improve|the men's morale, sir?
{40060}{40122}Ohhh, because, you jibbering imbecile, {40125}{40183}they've brought with them|the largest collection {40186}{40251}Of Charlie Chaplin films in existence!
{40255}{40300}Oh, I've lost patience with you.|Fill him in, Darling.
{40304}{40344}Yes, sir.
{40348}{40395}We received a telegram this morning {40399}{40461}From Mr.
Chaplin himself,|at Sennett Studios.
{40464}{40527}{y:i}Twice-nightly screening|{y:i}of my films in trenches, {40530}{40565}{y:i}excellent idea.
Stop.
{40569}{40676}{y:i}But must insist E.
Blackadder|{y:i}be projectionist.
Stop.
{40678}{40824}{y:i}Oh, P.S., don't let him ever...
stop.
{40821}{40861}Oh, great.
{40865}{40889}No hard feelings, eh, Blackadder?
{40894}{40952}Not at all, Darling.
{40955}{41065}Uh, care for a liquorice alsort?
{41087}{41169}Well, thank you.
{41959}{42159}Ripped with SubRip 1.10 and Verified by CdinT|(Cristi_Polacsek@SoftHome.net) {42152}{42291}I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it!
:D