Show: Will & Grace - 5x15
Will, psst What does this word mean?
Marmaduke It's not a word it's a cartoon dog Okay...
Use it in a sentence Marmaduke, you're an idiot Well, I've been using it wrong Karen, what's wrong?
You've hardly touched your muffin Oh, honey, c'mon Since Stan and I split I've done nothing but touch my muffin Ugh, now I don't even want it I don't know what it is Everywhere I go, I see Stan In the thick ankles of a bakery clerk In the sagging breasts of a bus driver Even in the eyes of a fat baby Wow, Karen...
He was a really fat man, wasn't he?
He sure was, Jackie Well, Karen, maybe our little girls' night tomorrow will help you take your mind off it You're gonna have a girls'-- No Wait, are you sure that's tomorrow night?
Lemme check my book I've got a cute little doodle of me hanging from a rafter Yeah, that's it Girls' night It's my last chance to hang with my girlfriends before Leo gets back on Saturday 'Cause once he's home I ain't talkin' to you bitches Well...
You know what, Joan?
That sounds swell count me in Hey, I'll even bring some of my old 45s Ooh, and maybe my new .38 Okay Oh, oh.
Will I forgot my wallet Can you get this?
I'll get the next five Yeah.
Then we'll be all caught up C'mon, Jack, we should probably go too I'll walk you That's okay I went before I left Well, that's good 'cause I left the plastic bag at home Your job!
You have a job It's time to go to work Again?
I just worked, like last Tuesday Jack, you charge your acting students money You have an obligation to show up and make them regret that That's true You know, when you see people in the movies with jobs, it just seems so fabulous But in real life you're not properly lit and there's no soundtrack Ah-da-da-da-da I get this one You realize that's my wallet Yeah, I got it Okay, people, who left their dog tied up with no food, no water, and a Willie Nelson bandana?
Well, like, whoever you are you don't deserve a dog That's why I let him go The things you've gotta do to get a seat in this dump Oh, my god, do you know who that is?
That's my old babysitter Sissy?!
What-y?
It's me Jack McFarland No way Way!
For real?
Real!
Get out of town!
Town!
Ah!
Well, I think I can leave you two to your Mensa meeting The last time I saw you you were nine years old and you made us watch Auntie Mame over and over again You did come out, didn't you?
Uh, like the next week So, um, like, you always seemed like one of those people who had the brains and the looks to do anything they put their mind to What, what amazing things have you been doing?
Still babysitting But now I have my braces off Wow That is so Marmaduke Anyway after highschool I realized I had babysat for everyone in the neighborhood And it was like, you know "Enough!
I need a change."
So, I got a Eurail pass and I babysat my way through Europe Wow, Sissy, you've lived a glamorous life Knock on wood Yeah Mm, these are delicious What are they?
They are Mint Milanos Still with the expensive taste, I see So, do you have a boyfriend?
What about that guy from the couch?
Do you still see him?
You mean Randall?
Yeah Yeah, we had an on again off again thing for years You know, it was on and then it was off and then he got married and it was on again More tea?
Please God, look at you You are so grown up Did you ever dream that one day you would be sitting in your own apartment, drinking tea?
You know what, Sissy?
I did But not with you and not with tea and definitely not in my own apartment Oh, you know what?
I better scooteroo I'm between jobs And I really should use my downtime I'm way behind on my friendship bracelets Wait, Sissy Do you have to go?
Well, I thought you said that you were teaching a class tonight Yeah, but I don't wanna Work's no fun I wanna stay here and lay with you, like we used to I remember that sour puss I also remember the only thing that could turn that frown upside down A visit from Mr.
Tickle-Wickle Uh-uh, uh-uh!
Now that's fun, okay?
Jack?
Where's Jack?
Mm, that's funny He was here a minute ago I'm pretty sure he's not under that pile of cushions that wasn't here before Hmm, I think I'm just gonna lay down and relax on this soft pile of cushions that wasn't here before No!
No!
Sissy, I was under there What?!
Yeah.
C'mon do it again Sorry, mister I really gotta go Besides, it is way past your bedtime Well, can you come back again tomorrow?
No, Sis has gotta find her next job Wait a minute What if this was your next job?
What if you were my babysitter again?
I don't know, Jack I could pay you!
Okay I am so excited you guys are finally meeting Julie, this is Ellen She lives in New Jersey We went to college together Back then, I slept with her husband we worked through it Ellen, this is Julie She's a masseuse she lives next door She touched me inappropriately once we worked through it I'll get drinks All right So, Julie, are you married?
Yeah He's an actor Huh, well, "actor."
He did four student films last year and played Aladdin at the mall What's yours do?
Cleans his ears with his car keys And he's an accountant Yeah, I led with the interesting one I'm glad you guys are getting along I was a little worried, 'cause you both have such weird personalities Good weird You kidding me?
She's great I like woman who's not afraid to talk like a bowery boy and look like a mushroom Here's to ya Thanks And I like a woman who's not afraid to have a glass of wine when she's pregnant I already had the baby This is just fat Heh.
But, um thank you Okay, bitches let's get this lady love-in started Who's up first?
Ooh, a preggie Never done that before And, yum A hottie grows in Brooklyn Karen, it's not that kind of girls' night She's harmless, really But just for fun lock the door when you got to the bathroom Oh, relax, Grace I know how to do this I've been in a sweat lodge with Candi Bergen and Penny Marshall Well, not a sweat lodge so much as Penny's Aerostar So what are we drinkin' about?
Oh, the usual Rob's boring, and it's his fault I'm fat At least he works The only thing my husband did last year is add "Southern accent" to his resume Oh, you wanna play this game?
My half-ton husband spent 13 months in prison met some hussy in the cafeteria Now they're shacked up at my mansion sharing the bed we used to make rabid love in If you're playing "whose husband is worse" with Karen don't play for money She's still collecting from Linda Hussein C'mon, Grace Tell us What bugs you about Leo?
Nothing, he's perfect Pbblt!
C'mon give us somethin'!
Likes to wear your lipstick to bed cries in the shower likes to kiss...
I'm sorry It's great Married four months and still no problems Unless you consider constant lovin' a problem Ugh Oh, this is gross Get her!
Whoo!
That's Leo This is the time he calls to say he loves me My husband calls the same time every day too Maybe one of these days I'll pick up I'm sorry I'm late Did I miss girls' night?
Honey, you missed "girls' night" by about a hundred years Shut your hole you drunken doughnut Oh, my mood stabilizer party mix Uppers, downers and candy corn And don't tell my doctor he's trying to get me off sugar Everything okay, Grace?
Um, no That was Leo Uh, he's not coming back for another five weeks Why?
What happened?
Um, I don't know Uh, one of the doctors there ate some bad pork or was eaten by a wild pig...
Um, all I know is that he-- He volunteered to stay longer Here, honey have some party mix You'll feel better Or worse That's what I love about party mix, you never know C'mon, Jack!
The movie starts in half an hour I don't wanna miss the previews Then I'll never know what books have been made into movies that are now available on video We're gonna need to use our indoor voice I just put Jack down for his nap and I don't need you out here yelling like the wild man from Borneo Yeah...
We're, like, 40 So, do you think you could stop talking to me like I'm a cub scout?
Look, Jack was a little overactive today He ate two bowls of Fruit Loops and twirled himself to tears Interesting Could you tell the fruit to get his loop out here?
We're going to the movies Oh?
What movie?
The new Vin Diesel thing I don't think so I hear it's violent, with a strong homoerotic subtext Uh, dur Why do you think we're going?
Sissy?!
My blanky fell off the bed!
I gotta go.
Bye So, it's another month I mean, if anything it's good news 'Cause now, I have another few weeks to do these dishes in the sink I think there's peanut butter in the bottom of this glass So what'd you tell him, Grace?
I told him it was fine What else was I gonna say?
He's a million miles away You did the right thing I did, right?
Yes You know, since we had our second baby I've been wanting to take a fork and just stab Rob in the balls with it But I'm not about to bother Rob with that at the office Julie, do you think I did the right thing?
Yeah You never tell guys what you're feeling Let them figure it out on their own that you hate them Thanks Rosario?
Yeah, dress slutty shut up That's my motto Great.
Okay Thank you Guess that settles that So, girls' night Anyone with a uterus drinks free!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Hold on there, red Don't you wanna hear what I have to say about this?
Well, Karen....
Yes?
Come on What?
Well, you're...
you And?
And...
Come on I see Karen-- No, no, no That's all right Honey, I understand You think that just because my marriage failed that I have nothing to offer You have things to offer You would be the first person I'd call, if I wanted...
to hurt an orphan's feelings Well, I know more about marriage than any of these girls ever will And if you wanted my opinion I would tell you to grow a set pick up the phone and call that no-good do-good husband of yours and tell him how you feel That you're sitting here, home alone, pissed off while he's out there giving free boob jobs to hyenas!
But you don't care what I think so I'm outta here!
And I'm taking this with me I'm certainly not leaving $3,000 worth of snacks where I'm not appreciated Yes, the files just arrived But, Mr.
Stein, there is no way I can get all this done by Monday I do too have a life I-- In fact, I've got plans with my friend Jack tonight But he's napping at the moment, so-- Hello?
Hey I thought we were going to the movies I was looking forward to going to see Vin Diesel I heard he's got a new facial expression I came to get you But that crazy lady with the rockin' body sent me away Jack, what are you doing with her?
She is in my employ I am a very busy man and I need a staff What exactly is her position?
She's my, uh...
She helps me with my, um...
You know, she sometimes she sometimes-- She's your babysitter, isn't she?
Yes!
She's my babysitter So what if she is?
There's nothing wrong with that What does she do?
Feed you, change you pat you on the back to burp you?
Only when Mr.
Gas Bubble's shy Oh, my god, I was joking!
This is the creepiest thing I've ever heard Well, that's what babysitters do For babies!
What are you implying, Will?
That there's something odd about my relationship with Sissy?
Uh...dur You're an adult, Jack Well, I don't wanna be an adult anymore!
It's very hard!
Sissy-- Sissy takes care of me She makes me feel good She cuts the crusts off my sammiches Jack, you're a grown man A grown man does not need a babysitter How dare you call me a grown man!
What is she doing just walking out?
Gettin' all mad at me What does she expect?
I should ask her for advice?
I mean, the woman once had a spirited debate about the death penalty with a can of cashews And somehow they swayed her Here, you go ahead Yeah I filled up on the cucumber sliver Okay, fine, look Karen is my friend And I love her But I mean let's face it There are certain things that you just don't go to Karen for Like, let's say...
any situation that you might encounter on Earth Right?
Right Right Well...
What?
One time I dropped a Kit-Kat on the ground And when I bent over to pick it up Miss Karen gave me a swift kick in the tuchus But she was right I didn't need it Well, Karen helped me once too Rob and I were fighting And she gave me the number of a guy to whack him over the head with a pipe I didn't call him But I keep the number in my purse and that makes me smile I hardly know her But I was really bumming before she gave me this blue pill Lemme tell ya I'm flying now This party rocks I'm sorry, was my attempt to draft a 1 billion-dollar corporate merger keeping "wittle Jackie" awake?
You know, you shouldn't make that face It might freeze that way Look, William I don't want to be the cause of any tension between you and Jack Do you think maybe I could come in and we could talk about it?
I'm incredibly busy I don't see how that's possible I make killer s'mores I'll preheat the oven No, Leo, I'm not asking you to come home I just want you to understand that I'm upset That these, these decisions affect me too and I want us to make them together All right?
Good I love me too Bye, baby Nice Hey, you came back Well...
I got all the way home and realized...
I forgot my maid I usually keep an extra under the mat, but...
You were right It was better to tell him Well, I'm glad Honey, why didn't you ask me for my advice in the first place?
I don't know Partly because, well...
you talk to cashews And I guess...
because I was afraid that you might tell me what I already knew I mean, of course I should be honest It's just that our marriage is so new I don't know how much conflict it can take, you know?
I mean, we've spent more time apart than we have together So how'd it go?
Well, I could tell Leo felt bad That felt good You should let me help you more, honey I know a few things and I care about you Hmm?
Now let's get back in there C'mon, we got a room full of lovely ladies Let's put on some music and get those tops off You do know that it's not that kind of girls' night?
We'll see God, I love s'mores Why don't you marry 'em?
Don't make me laugh No time to laugh Look at all this law stuff No way I'm ever gonna get finished Well, you know, that's one way of looking at it But there is another way Inch by inch foot by foot it won't take long with the homework song Huh?
You do one task that's all we ask you do one more and you get another s'more-- Well, when you say it like that it does seem totally doable Now, c'mon You try Oh, I don't know Come on Case by case tort by tort sign and stamp Hey, I finished one report Foot by foot mile by mile perhaps I should try the McKendrick file Well, well, well So grown men don't need babysitters, huh?
She's not my babysitter She's just singing me a little song to help me with my casework We learned that in law school Oh, would you just admit it?
It feels good to be taken care of Nice work, Sissy Hey, it was your plan smarty-pants Wait-- You two set me up?
Mm-hmm And it was easy You're a whore for a s'more Hey, there is no comparison between what happened here and the sick relationship you two have And blow...
Thank you The difference is I don't need it What are you saying?
I believe you heard me What's your point?
I think you got it What are you implying?
What I said outright You're a Sissy-holic All right, all right So what if, what if I am hooked on my babysitter?
It's a hard-candy world out there and sometimes this fella needs a little break Yeah Yeah So if I have to pay someone $4 or $5 an hour to help me get through it then it's worth it Actually, Jack, I make $40 an hour Good-bye, Sissy I don't need you anymore What are you saying?
I believe you heard me What's your point?
I think you got it What are you implying?
Will, what am I implying?
Out, get out!
What, do I have to spell it in macaroni and spray paint it gold?
Sis...
I think he's right I think I maybe need to outgrow you Damn it Why does everyone outgrow me?
I mean...
I know being a babysitter is all flashy and ooh-la-la But you don't know the heartbreak behind it The kids grow up and I never see 'em again You know, but then I ran into you And I thought maybe there are some things that don't change Well, Sissy, we can still hang out and be friends and spend time together I mean, you don't have to charge me Yeah, I do I need the money I'm into Casual Corner for, like, 12 grand I understand It's been fun and...
I guess it had to end sometime I'd like to propose a little toast-ess to the hostess Here's to our little girl You're kind You buy clothes from stores that otherwise would never be able to sell them But you know what I think speaks gallons about you?
The quality of the women you attract Honey, look around you Look around.
Huh?
Perky little pregnant Ellen Juicy Julie with her jolly jugs My maid And me, your best gal pal and ultimate fantasy lay And we're all here because of you, honey Grace Adler Oh, god You know my name
Marmaduke It's not a word it's a cartoon dog Okay...
Use it in a sentence Marmaduke, you're an idiot Well, I've been using it wrong Karen, what's wrong?
You've hardly touched your muffin Oh, honey, c'mon Since Stan and I split I've done nothing but touch my muffin Ugh, now I don't even want it I don't know what it is Everywhere I go, I see Stan In the thick ankles of a bakery clerk In the sagging breasts of a bus driver Even in the eyes of a fat baby Wow, Karen...
He was a really fat man, wasn't he?
He sure was, Jackie Well, Karen, maybe our little girls' night tomorrow will help you take your mind off it You're gonna have a girls'-- No Wait, are you sure that's tomorrow night?
Lemme check my book I've got a cute little doodle of me hanging from a rafter Yeah, that's it Girls' night It's my last chance to hang with my girlfriends before Leo gets back on Saturday 'Cause once he's home I ain't talkin' to you bitches Well...
You know what, Joan?
That sounds swell count me in Hey, I'll even bring some of my old 45s Ooh, and maybe my new .38 Okay Oh, oh.
Will I forgot my wallet Can you get this?
I'll get the next five Yeah.
Then we'll be all caught up C'mon, Jack, we should probably go too I'll walk you That's okay I went before I left Well, that's good 'cause I left the plastic bag at home Your job!
You have a job It's time to go to work Again?
I just worked, like last Tuesday Jack, you charge your acting students money You have an obligation to show up and make them regret that That's true You know, when you see people in the movies with jobs, it just seems so fabulous But in real life you're not properly lit and there's no soundtrack Ah-da-da-da-da I get this one You realize that's my wallet Yeah, I got it Okay, people, who left their dog tied up with no food, no water, and a Willie Nelson bandana?
Well, like, whoever you are you don't deserve a dog That's why I let him go The things you've gotta do to get a seat in this dump Oh, my god, do you know who that is?
That's my old babysitter Sissy?!
What-y?
It's me Jack McFarland No way Way!
For real?
Real!
Get out of town!
Town!
Ah!
Well, I think I can leave you two to your Mensa meeting The last time I saw you you were nine years old and you made us watch Auntie Mame over and over again You did come out, didn't you?
Uh, like the next week So, um, like, you always seemed like one of those people who had the brains and the looks to do anything they put their mind to What, what amazing things have you been doing?
Still babysitting But now I have my braces off Wow That is so Marmaduke Anyway after highschool I realized I had babysat for everyone in the neighborhood And it was like, you know "Enough!
I need a change."
So, I got a Eurail pass and I babysat my way through Europe Wow, Sissy, you've lived a glamorous life Knock on wood Yeah Mm, these are delicious What are they?
They are Mint Milanos Still with the expensive taste, I see So, do you have a boyfriend?
What about that guy from the couch?
Do you still see him?
You mean Randall?
Yeah Yeah, we had an on again off again thing for years You know, it was on and then it was off and then he got married and it was on again More tea?
Please God, look at you You are so grown up Did you ever dream that one day you would be sitting in your own apartment, drinking tea?
You know what, Sissy?
I did But not with you and not with tea and definitely not in my own apartment Oh, you know what?
I better scooteroo I'm between jobs And I really should use my downtime I'm way behind on my friendship bracelets Wait, Sissy Do you have to go?
Well, I thought you said that you were teaching a class tonight Yeah, but I don't wanna Work's no fun I wanna stay here and lay with you, like we used to I remember that sour puss I also remember the only thing that could turn that frown upside down A visit from Mr.
Tickle-Wickle Uh-uh, uh-uh!
Now that's fun, okay?
Jack?
Where's Jack?
Mm, that's funny He was here a minute ago I'm pretty sure he's not under that pile of cushions that wasn't here before Hmm, I think I'm just gonna lay down and relax on this soft pile of cushions that wasn't here before No!
No!
Sissy, I was under there What?!
Yeah.
C'mon do it again Sorry, mister I really gotta go Besides, it is way past your bedtime Well, can you come back again tomorrow?
No, Sis has gotta find her next job Wait a minute What if this was your next job?
What if you were my babysitter again?
I don't know, Jack I could pay you!
Okay I am so excited you guys are finally meeting Julie, this is Ellen She lives in New Jersey We went to college together Back then, I slept with her husband we worked through it Ellen, this is Julie She's a masseuse she lives next door She touched me inappropriately once we worked through it I'll get drinks All right So, Julie, are you married?
Yeah He's an actor Huh, well, "actor."
He did four student films last year and played Aladdin at the mall What's yours do?
Cleans his ears with his car keys And he's an accountant Yeah, I led with the interesting one I'm glad you guys are getting along I was a little worried, 'cause you both have such weird personalities Good weird You kidding me?
She's great I like woman who's not afraid to talk like a bowery boy and look like a mushroom Here's to ya Thanks And I like a woman who's not afraid to have a glass of wine when she's pregnant I already had the baby This is just fat Heh.
But, um thank you Okay, bitches let's get this lady love-in started Who's up first?
Ooh, a preggie Never done that before And, yum A hottie grows in Brooklyn Karen, it's not that kind of girls' night She's harmless, really But just for fun lock the door when you got to the bathroom Oh, relax, Grace I know how to do this I've been in a sweat lodge with Candi Bergen and Penny Marshall Well, not a sweat lodge so much as Penny's Aerostar So what are we drinkin' about?
Oh, the usual Rob's boring, and it's his fault I'm fat At least he works The only thing my husband did last year is add "Southern accent" to his resume Oh, you wanna play this game?
My half-ton husband spent 13 months in prison met some hussy in the cafeteria Now they're shacked up at my mansion sharing the bed we used to make rabid love in If you're playing "whose husband is worse" with Karen don't play for money She's still collecting from Linda Hussein C'mon, Grace Tell us What bugs you about Leo?
Nothing, he's perfect Pbblt!
C'mon give us somethin'!
Likes to wear your lipstick to bed cries in the shower likes to kiss...
I'm sorry It's great Married four months and still no problems Unless you consider constant lovin' a problem Ugh Oh, this is gross Get her!
Whoo!
That's Leo This is the time he calls to say he loves me My husband calls the same time every day too Maybe one of these days I'll pick up I'm sorry I'm late Did I miss girls' night?
Honey, you missed "girls' night" by about a hundred years Shut your hole you drunken doughnut Oh, my mood stabilizer party mix Uppers, downers and candy corn And don't tell my doctor he's trying to get me off sugar Everything okay, Grace?
Um, no That was Leo Uh, he's not coming back for another five weeks Why?
What happened?
Um, I don't know Uh, one of the doctors there ate some bad pork or was eaten by a wild pig...
Um, all I know is that he-- He volunteered to stay longer Here, honey have some party mix You'll feel better Or worse That's what I love about party mix, you never know C'mon, Jack!
The movie starts in half an hour I don't wanna miss the previews Then I'll never know what books have been made into movies that are now available on video We're gonna need to use our indoor voice I just put Jack down for his nap and I don't need you out here yelling like the wild man from Borneo Yeah...
We're, like, 40 So, do you think you could stop talking to me like I'm a cub scout?
Look, Jack was a little overactive today He ate two bowls of Fruit Loops and twirled himself to tears Interesting Could you tell the fruit to get his loop out here?
We're going to the movies Oh?
What movie?
The new Vin Diesel thing I don't think so I hear it's violent, with a strong homoerotic subtext Uh, dur Why do you think we're going?
Sissy?!
My blanky fell off the bed!
I gotta go.
Bye So, it's another month I mean, if anything it's good news 'Cause now, I have another few weeks to do these dishes in the sink I think there's peanut butter in the bottom of this glass So what'd you tell him, Grace?
I told him it was fine What else was I gonna say?
He's a million miles away You did the right thing I did, right?
Yes You know, since we had our second baby I've been wanting to take a fork and just stab Rob in the balls with it But I'm not about to bother Rob with that at the office Julie, do you think I did the right thing?
Yeah You never tell guys what you're feeling Let them figure it out on their own that you hate them Thanks Rosario?
Yeah, dress slutty shut up That's my motto Great.
Okay Thank you Guess that settles that So, girls' night Anyone with a uterus drinks free!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Hold on there, red Don't you wanna hear what I have to say about this?
Well, Karen....
Yes?
Come on What?
Well, you're...
you And?
And...
Come on I see Karen-- No, no, no That's all right Honey, I understand You think that just because my marriage failed that I have nothing to offer You have things to offer You would be the first person I'd call, if I wanted...
to hurt an orphan's feelings Well, I know more about marriage than any of these girls ever will And if you wanted my opinion I would tell you to grow a set pick up the phone and call that no-good do-good husband of yours and tell him how you feel That you're sitting here, home alone, pissed off while he's out there giving free boob jobs to hyenas!
But you don't care what I think so I'm outta here!
And I'm taking this with me I'm certainly not leaving $3,000 worth of snacks where I'm not appreciated Yes, the files just arrived But, Mr.
Stein, there is no way I can get all this done by Monday I do too have a life I-- In fact, I've got plans with my friend Jack tonight But he's napping at the moment, so-- Hello?
Hey I thought we were going to the movies I was looking forward to going to see Vin Diesel I heard he's got a new facial expression I came to get you But that crazy lady with the rockin' body sent me away Jack, what are you doing with her?
She is in my employ I am a very busy man and I need a staff What exactly is her position?
She's my, uh...
She helps me with my, um...
You know, she sometimes she sometimes-- She's your babysitter, isn't she?
Yes!
She's my babysitter So what if she is?
There's nothing wrong with that What does she do?
Feed you, change you pat you on the back to burp you?
Only when Mr.
Gas Bubble's shy Oh, my god, I was joking!
This is the creepiest thing I've ever heard Well, that's what babysitters do For babies!
What are you implying, Will?
That there's something odd about my relationship with Sissy?
Uh...dur You're an adult, Jack Well, I don't wanna be an adult anymore!
It's very hard!
Sissy-- Sissy takes care of me She makes me feel good She cuts the crusts off my sammiches Jack, you're a grown man A grown man does not need a babysitter How dare you call me a grown man!
What is she doing just walking out?
Gettin' all mad at me What does she expect?
I should ask her for advice?
I mean, the woman once had a spirited debate about the death penalty with a can of cashews And somehow they swayed her Here, you go ahead Yeah I filled up on the cucumber sliver Okay, fine, look Karen is my friend And I love her But I mean let's face it There are certain things that you just don't go to Karen for Like, let's say...
any situation that you might encounter on Earth Right?
Right Right Well...
What?
One time I dropped a Kit-Kat on the ground And when I bent over to pick it up Miss Karen gave me a swift kick in the tuchus But she was right I didn't need it Well, Karen helped me once too Rob and I were fighting And she gave me the number of a guy to whack him over the head with a pipe I didn't call him But I keep the number in my purse and that makes me smile I hardly know her But I was really bumming before she gave me this blue pill Lemme tell ya I'm flying now This party rocks I'm sorry, was my attempt to draft a 1 billion-dollar corporate merger keeping "wittle Jackie" awake?
You know, you shouldn't make that face It might freeze that way Look, William I don't want to be the cause of any tension between you and Jack Do you think maybe I could come in and we could talk about it?
I'm incredibly busy I don't see how that's possible I make killer s'mores I'll preheat the oven No, Leo, I'm not asking you to come home I just want you to understand that I'm upset That these, these decisions affect me too and I want us to make them together All right?
Good I love me too Bye, baby Nice Hey, you came back Well...
I got all the way home and realized...
I forgot my maid I usually keep an extra under the mat, but...
You were right It was better to tell him Well, I'm glad Honey, why didn't you ask me for my advice in the first place?
I don't know Partly because, well...
you talk to cashews And I guess...
because I was afraid that you might tell me what I already knew I mean, of course I should be honest It's just that our marriage is so new I don't know how much conflict it can take, you know?
I mean, we've spent more time apart than we have together So how'd it go?
Well, I could tell Leo felt bad That felt good You should let me help you more, honey I know a few things and I care about you Hmm?
Now let's get back in there C'mon, we got a room full of lovely ladies Let's put on some music and get those tops off You do know that it's not that kind of girls' night?
We'll see God, I love s'mores Why don't you marry 'em?
Don't make me laugh No time to laugh Look at all this law stuff No way I'm ever gonna get finished Well, you know, that's one way of looking at it But there is another way Inch by inch foot by foot it won't take long with the homework song Huh?
You do one task that's all we ask you do one more and you get another s'more-- Well, when you say it like that it does seem totally doable Now, c'mon You try Oh, I don't know Come on Case by case tort by tort sign and stamp Hey, I finished one report Foot by foot mile by mile perhaps I should try the McKendrick file Well, well, well So grown men don't need babysitters, huh?
She's not my babysitter She's just singing me a little song to help me with my casework We learned that in law school Oh, would you just admit it?
It feels good to be taken care of Nice work, Sissy Hey, it was your plan smarty-pants Wait-- You two set me up?
Mm-hmm And it was easy You're a whore for a s'more Hey, there is no comparison between what happened here and the sick relationship you two have And blow...
Thank you The difference is I don't need it What are you saying?
I believe you heard me What's your point?
I think you got it What are you implying?
What I said outright You're a Sissy-holic All right, all right So what if, what if I am hooked on my babysitter?
It's a hard-candy world out there and sometimes this fella needs a little break Yeah Yeah So if I have to pay someone $4 or $5 an hour to help me get through it then it's worth it Actually, Jack, I make $40 an hour Good-bye, Sissy I don't need you anymore What are you saying?
I believe you heard me What's your point?
I think you got it What are you implying?
Will, what am I implying?
Out, get out!
What, do I have to spell it in macaroni and spray paint it gold?
Sis...
I think he's right I think I maybe need to outgrow you Damn it Why does everyone outgrow me?
I mean...
I know being a babysitter is all flashy and ooh-la-la But you don't know the heartbreak behind it The kids grow up and I never see 'em again You know, but then I ran into you And I thought maybe there are some things that don't change Well, Sissy, we can still hang out and be friends and spend time together I mean, you don't have to charge me Yeah, I do I need the money I'm into Casual Corner for, like, 12 grand I understand It's been fun and...
I guess it had to end sometime I'd like to propose a little toast-ess to the hostess Here's to our little girl You're kind You buy clothes from stores that otherwise would never be able to sell them But you know what I think speaks gallons about you?
The quality of the women you attract Honey, look around you Look around.
Huh?
Perky little pregnant Ellen Juicy Julie with her jolly jugs My maid And me, your best gal pal and ultimate fantasy lay And we're all here because of you, honey Grace Adler Oh, god You know my name