Show: Hustle - 5x2
00:01:40,299 --> 00:01:42,260 So, how does this work?
Well, while Albert's still banged up, we wait for Mickey to find us a mark.
Turn to page 15.
Our new marks.
Carlton Wood and Harry Fielding.
Two for the price of one.
What's "IPR"?
Intellectual property rights.
Wood and Fielding run a company called Cityprime Associates.
They specialise in intellectual property.
Trademarks, patents, that kind of thing, usually for high-end technology.
So why them?
What do we need most in a mark?
Money.
Greed.
Exactly.
While it's true to say they have their snouts firmly in the trough, they do so at other people's expense.
Six months ago, Paul Fowler, the owner of a small family business, approached them with a prototype for a new security device.
Eventually, the patent was granted.
But to another security company.
And guess what?
The other security company is owned by Cityprime Associates.
Thieving bastards.
The whole thing went to court, but the family business found of Wood and Fielding's legal team.
They didn't stand a chance.
So he killed himself?
He left behind a wife and four children.
On the evening of Paul Fowler's funeral, I found Wood and Fielding at their private members' club, drinking champagne.
So they get my vote.
Mine too.
I guess that makes it unanimous.
So, what do you think of our new recruits?
She's sharp as a bleedin' scalpel.
And she's fit.
Which never hurts.
Little brother's bright enough, but I wouldn't exactly call him a grifter yet.
And get this - he wants to be an actor.
Emma's trying to save up enough to send him to drama school.
So, I was thinking, maybe we should start simple.
Give 'em time to find their feet.
Now where's the fun in that?
You're just gonna chuck 'em in the deep end, aren't you?
Yeah.
Great.
So when it goes wrong, we can all go and join Albert in the nick.
Ash, it won't go wrong.
They're ready.
That's why they're here.
You know they were farmed out as kids, went from one home after another, as far as I can make out.
They did a runner when she was 14, he was nine.
Been on the streets ever since.
But you know what?
You may have found someone who hates the system just as much as you do.
We need to find out exactly how these guys operate, so that we can find a way in.
Now, Cityprime offices are located on Chamberlain Street.
Get yourself down there.
Find the wine bar nearest the offices and then, nice and easy, chat to people.
See if they know Wood and Fielding.
Find out what you can about them, OK?
What sort of thing exactly?
Personal detail.
What they drink, what sort of woman they like, what sports they play, whether they voted for Ken or Boris, what star sign they are.
Sure.
Gotcha.
Be back here in a couple of hours.
So, what do you want me to do?
Well, I thought we could work the inside together.
OK.
Good.
Can I ask you something?
Of course.
You really dislike these two, don't you?
I dislike what they represent.
And do you always get emotionally involved with your marks?
Well, if I don't, then it's just about the money.
And that's a bad thing?
For me?
Yes, it is.
And so this design, we feel, will make Spider's Web the new market leader.
We're now ready for any questions you may have.
I have a question.
It's about your company's recruitment strategy.
Excuse me?
I was just wondering.
Do you advertise for morons, or do you just take people with the lowest IQ you can find and train them down?
No?
Not an answer, nothing?
We asked you for a campaign that would launch this product into the international arena overnight, and you come here and pitch us a picture of a bloody spider's web?
Well...
Now he's got something to say.
Shut up!
I'm talking!
Shut up!
The product is called Spider's Web, so what we were hoping for was just a hint of imagination.
Well, actually...
Please, for the love of God, shut it!
If the product was called Aardvark, I'd expect a little more for my 50 grand than a picture of a sodding anteater!
Comprende?
Now, piss off!
OUT!
Move!
You cannot leave this office fast enough!
Out!
Sorry.
Blimey!
Thanks for that.
Don't worry.
What's your name?
Nick.
Steve.
Pull up a stool, join us.
Looks like quite a set-up.
Looks like Wood is the business brain and Fielding does the technical stuff.
I wonder how Sean's getting on?
Good drink, guys, eh?
He should be here by now.
He'll be here.
I'm back!
Sean?
Sean?
Sorry I'm late.
Hard to get away.
I had to drink champagne, tequila and this tiny little green thing they wouldn't tell me the name of.
Did you learn anything in-between drinks?
Yes.
It's all up here, Mr Bricks.
You can't imagine how worrying that is.
Right.
Carlton Wood and Harry Fielding.
Carlton studied corporate law, Cityprime four years ago.
Harry studied science and engineering, they teamed up a year and a half ago.
Well, we're not going to get anything out of him.
Anyway, both born with a silver spoon up their jacks.
Two ruthless individuals, not least with each other.
So now we've got a product launch without a bloody PR company.
Well, you're the one who called them morons and threw them out.
You are such an arse!
What they do is bloody clever.
So their primary business is registering and protecting intellectual property?
Well, yeah, but I reckon it's a front.
For what?
Over the last 18 months, they've registered nine smaller companies.
Now it's impossible to be sure, but each one of those companies seemed to have been launched off the back of a single new innovation.
Explain.
They were all registered, launched one product, then sold shortly afterwards.
So they steal new technology using Cityprime, set up a new company to exploit it, then sell that company on to make a fortune.
Exactly.
And Paul Fowler's company?
Well, as far as I can make out, Fowler took them his prototype security device.
It's designed to attach to paintings and rare works of art to prevent them being stolen.
They took on the contract to obtain a patent, but then went back to Fowler a few weeks later and told him the idea was already protected with a similar product called Spider's Web.
Basically, they're two nasty little bastards on the make.
So, how do we get to them?
Well, the quickest way would be to invent something they want to nick.
No, that puts us in their world and puts them in the driving seat.
No, I need an edge.
Sean.
Sean!
What else did you find out about them?
Who?
Wood and Fielding.
Oh, oh.
Er, posh as you like.
They love birds, booze and fast cars.
Detail, Sean!
Oh...
Er, Harry drinks black coffee, he supports the Arsenal and shoves half the Colombian cocaine output up his nose.
Bit of a dickhead.
Carlton's the brains of the operation, drinks energy drinks, thinks football's gay, got a thing about brunettes with natural assets, and just done the London marathon in two...two hours and 37 minutes.
There was something about a security company they've got a big stake in, launching this amazing new product...Spider something.
Web?
That's the one, Spider's Web, yeah.
Something about precious art, museums and what have you.
They're excited about the launch, but it's been delayed cos they sacked their PR company.
Carlton plays badminton every Wednesday, left-handed, has a massage afterwards, likes Michael Buble and voted for Boris.
Harry got mugged three months ago, so he's taken up martial arts.
He voted for Boris too and he's a fan of Mika.
From what I can tell, everyone I spoke to hated them, and the barmaid in their local, get this, the barmaid in their local spits in their drinks.
We got our way in then - PR.
You nearly blew it.
I thought I did all right.
Sean!
You passed out.
He sent me out to get pissed.
No, he didn't, he sent you out on a recce.
You have to try and be smarter.
You're the smart one.
You got the brains, I got the looks.
I'm serious.
I know.
Look, maybe you three would be better without me.
No.
Come on, sis.
It was all right when it was just you and me, playing your boyfriend or assistant, or standing on a corner collecting wallets.
These guys are out of my league.
They're out of mine too, but we can learn.
You deserve all this, I'll just get in your way.
No, no.
We do this together, like we've always done.
Just...
Be smarter?
Yes.
You really want this, don't you?
Yeah, I do.
Best behaviour.
Promise.
Eddie!
Meet Emma and Sean.
You'll be seeing a lot more of them.
Very nice to meet you.
So, you grifters too, are you?
Eddie's like an honorary member of the team.
Yeah.
So no trying out your little games on me, I'm too smart.
We'll try and remember that, Eddie.
Good.
What can I get you?
Four beers.
Three beers and a very strong black coffee.
You haven't said anything yet.
About what?
The new decor.
I thought I'd go for a bit of a fusion between Art Deco and New Romantic, with just a hint of Moroccan.
I've been watching that house show on the telly.
Gave me loads of ideas.
It's lovely.
You still selling beer, though?
Course I am.
Well, let's have a look at those first, eh?
OK, so, the Spider's Web launch.
That's the thing they're excited about, so I think that's our way in.
Sean, you said they sacked their PR company?
That's what I was told.
OK, well, we know they go to The Alibi Bar when they finish work.
Use the contacts you met in there to give you an introduction.
When you're in their company, talk about a genius PR woman you're meeting for a drink there later on.
That'll be me, I take it?
Well, have you ever seen Ash in a dress?
It's not a pretty sight.
I've got great legs, it's the top half lets me down.
So we pretend to be from this PR company, flog 'em a great idea?
Something like that.
It's going to be a tough sell.
They're more likely to talk to us if we're a PR company with a proven track record.
Then we'll have to create our own brand.
How?
Auto suggestion.
What's that?
OK, don't think of an elephant.
Do not think of an elephant.
Now, if they use the same route from work to the bar every evening, then...
What's the first thing that popped into your mind?
An elephant.
Auto suggestion.
We need to create our own brand name.
So come on then, seriously.
What d'you think?
What d'you reckon?
It's very nice, Eddie.
Do you think it says "New London"?
Absolutely.
Yeah?
Mick, what d'you reckon?
Er, yes, I think it's very nice what you've done.
I was thinking of putting on a bit of grub too, that's where the money is, like.
I'd carry on the fusion theme, sort of east meets west.
So I could have bangers and noodles, sweet and sour pork with chips.
That's genius.
Inspired, mate.
Brilliant.
Thank you very much.
That's not a bad name for a PR company.
Hello, could you put me through to New London Media, please?
OK, Sean, do you know what to do?
I'm an accounts manager who's here to meet the head honcho of a PR firm and his creative bird, who are going to launch my new financial services to the international market.
When we come in, just introduce us and we'll do the rest.
There!
Straight to the bar like clockwork.
Nice.
OK.
15 minutes enough?
Make it 45.
All right.
And Sean...
Yeah, I know, stick to orange juice.
Nice tits.
Shame about the face.
two head honchos from this really hot PR company.
Oh, look!
Here they are now.
Be smart, be smart, be smart.
Hey, Steve!
Nick!
How you doing?
Harry, Carlton, meet Nick, a good friend of mine.
Harry, Carlton, good to meet you.
Shots!
Erm, could I grab a juice?
You know, this has been more fun than I thought.
Yes, it has.
And don't worry about Sean, he'll be fine.
Oh, no, I don't doubt that.
Short hair suits you.
It's itching like hell.
No pain, no gain.
Really?
I can't see much pain in your part of the forest.
That's because you've got no idea how silly I'd look in a wig.
Be fun to see, though.
I'm sure it would.
It must be weird for you, working with someone new.
I can honestly say it's a pleasure.
Thank you.
So much so, that I was thinking...
Oh?
..that maybe when this is done, we can get to know each other better Over dinner, perhaps?
It might help, you know, working together.
I can see the sense in that.
If that's all it was.
Business.
And if it wasn't?
The thing is...I don't do men.
Oh!
No, no!
I'm not a lesbian, either.
It's just that I've been hustling on the streets since I was 14.
Men haven't exactly covered themselves in glory with me.
So...it's just, if you don't ask, I won't have to say no.
OK.
Look, I'm really glad we got that out of the way so quickly.
Really?
Really.
OK.
Time to go to work.
Sis?
Sshhh!
Cecilia.
Cecilia Crawford.
We were supposed to have a meeting.
Oh, right, you're the...
You're the PR people.
He was telling us all about you.
Come on, we're wasting our time.
Hold on, hold on, what company are you with?
New London Media.
I've heard of them.
You're quite a big outfit, aren't you?
Well, we're the best at what we do, if that's what you mean.
Listen, why don't you join us for a drink?
I'll get him a cab.
That'd be great.
I love you.
The thing is, we're looking for a decent PR company ourselves, so maybe we could do some business together.
Shame to have a wasted trip, now your other meeting's not happening.
One drink.
OK.
Great.
Well, it seems to me that if this security device is completely fail-safe...
Which it is.
..then what you'll need is a gimmick that portrays that.
Go on.
Sorry, I'd feel better having a contract in place before we have this conversation.
Oh, don't be a knob.
Yeah, don't be a knob.
We're only having a chat.
Anyway, I thought she was the creative genius.
She is.
She's also very expensive.
All right, all right.
Tell you what.
Call this an interim contract. "
I...promise...to sign...
your contract "if you...stop...being...a knob."
Stop being a knob.
OK?
If you come up with any ideas we can use, we'll sign a contract to make sure you get paid fairly.
And I have your word on that?
Absolutely.
Cis?
Well, there's no harm in throwing a few ideas around, I guess.
No harm.
So, you were saying something about a gimmick.
So, can you guarantee that this web device can't be beaten?
100%.
Harry's my technical expert, if he says it's foolproof, then it's foolproof.
Are you in for the long haul or quick sale?
It makes a difference?
Of course it makes a difference.
Well, quick sale.
Right.
Well, then you need in-your-face marketing, something that's going to grab the headlines.
So...
You don't insure whatever your Spider's Web is going to protect against theft.
What?
That's ridiculous.
We can't possibly do that.
No, it's quite a guarantee.
And not only that, but your potential client will save a fortune in premiums.
They'll be queuing up to buy.
Yeah, but no insurance would mean...
You can insure for damage, just not theft.
Either it's a foolproof system or it isn't.
I also understand that the London Gallery is going to be exhibiting an Issac Moore painting.
It would be quite the PR coup if you could use that as your first gig.
Brilliant.
What?
It's genius.
It will certainly create a buzz.
It certainly would.
You are very good.
Yes, I am.
So, do I take it you're interested in using Cecilia's marketing idea?
Yeah, it's brilliant.
Then I'll have the contract drawn up.
Mmm?
Contract?
Yeah, absolutely.
Good, good.
We'll be in touch.
It was a good job our little friend couldn't hold his drink.
Cheers.
You know it's strange, I could have sworn Nick told me he was teetotal.
Yeah, I wondered what the orange juice thing was about, so I spiked it.
Truth is, he was a bit of an oik.
Really?
And let's be honest, if you don't drink, what the bloody hell are you doing in a bar?
So you're a drinking man, then?
Hell, yes.
Well, why don't we celebrate our new partnership properly?
With a drinking contest.
Cecilia...
Yeah, OK.
We're up for it!
No, just you and me.
Come on, Fielding, don't let the side down.
She's a girl!
Sorry, no offence.
Oh, none taken.
I thought we had another meeting.
Just a quick drink.
Set them up.
Have another one!
It's a shame, I thought he'd put up more of a fight.
Yeah, well, he never could take his drink.
I'll be seeing you very soon.
Harry, you're a disgrace!
Emma, was that absolutely necessary?
Yeah.
He had it coming.
Whoa!
All right?
Maybe that third bottle was a mistake.
Or the second, mmm?
About earlier.
The dinner thing.
Maybe...
We had the conversation, and you were right.
We shouldn't mix business with pleasure.
Oh, taxi!
That's exactly what I was going to say.
Oh, where's Sean?
Come on.
Emma, let me talk to him.
Look, if you've come to give me a lecture, I'm not interested.
Thanks, Eddie.
I remember when Albert sent me out on my first job.
It was my first long con.
He was playing a US congressman called Walter Kaplan and I was his assistant.
My first job was to pick up the mark, a businessman, and take him to Albert's hotel.
I picked up the mark at the right time and took him where he bumped into an old friend, who persuaded him not to invest in our deal.
What did Albert say?
He said, "It's all in the detail, kid."
He was happy, because he knew I'd learnt a lesson.
It was a lesson I never forgot.
And from that day to this, I double-check everything.
Twice.
So what are you trying to tell me?
I need to learn not to get rat-arsed?
No, I think you should do what Albert did.
When things don't go according to plan, you dust yourself off and move on.
Or maybe you admit you're out of your depth and move on.
You could do that.
But the thing about grifters...well, the thing about real grifters, is they never know when they're beaten.
So the question isn't, "Am I out of my depth?"
or, "Should I move on?"
The question is, "Do I want to be a grifter?"
Thank you very much for joining us here at our product launch, and we launch it this morning to coincide with the new exhibition at the London Gallery.
Yes?
Will the Web be used at the exhibition?
Harry!
As we speak, the Web is being fixed to Isaac Moore's "Winter Lake".
After the recent art thefts in Toronto and Berlin, we can 100% guarantee that there is no way the same thing will happen here.
You're saying it can't be stolen?
Absolutely.
It's a physical impossibility.
In fact, and this is why the Web will be used in every major gallery in the world, there is no need to insure against theft, simply because it can't happen.
Thereby saving galleries millions of pounds in premiums.
Thank you very much, for asking all the right questions.
Ah, it's the dynamic duo.
Well, that seemed to go down well.
It did, didn't it?
So the no insurance thing worked.
Like a dream.
Well, I knew it would.
You did the deal with the London Gallery?
The no insurance thing made it a no-brainer.
Excellent.
I've brought the contract.
Contract for what?
For using our services.
Ah, well, we won't be.
What?
Well, we don't really need you any more, I mean, we've had the product launch.
But you used our idea.
I think it was my idea, actually.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I said it first.
You know that's not true.
Harry?
Hard to say, really, I mean, we were all drinking, chatting, ideas bouncing around.
But, no, wait...yah, I'm pretty damn sure Carlton said it first.
See?
We'll take this to the courts.
Oh, well, I look forward to that.
Oh, and don't forget to bring all your proof, dated letters, emails etc, outlining your idea.
Oh, shit!
You haven't got any, have you?
mat.
The judge will love that.
Whose name did you sign it with?
I can't remember.
Was it Mr Knob?
Yes, quite possibly.
Mr Knob.
They refused to sign the contract.
No?
So they stole the idea without paying us?
Yes, they did.
Oh, well, Mr Bricks, just when I was starting to think you lot were superhuman.
Knowing you screwed up like that, I don't feel as much of a prat.
I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself.
I've missed something here, haven't I?
To bend someone's will, you need to find the one thing they cherish most and threaten it.
They've just launched their new security device to the art world.
Something they have so much confidence in, they've come up with a gimmick.
Isaac Moore's "Winter Lake".
They're not insuring it for theft.
But that was your idea.
Precisely.
Listen, you're gonna have to spell this out for me.
Why would we go to all this trouble to make sure they didn't insure that painting?
So you can nick it.
Hurrah!
All right.
They'd have to stump up the money themselves.
Which would break them.
So that's what this was all about?
Setting them up?
What about this security thing?
Supposed to be foolproof.
It is.
But Ash has been working on how to beat it.
How's it going?
Well, I'm working on it.
You can beat it, though?
Yeah, yeah, course.
Cos that'd be really stupid, wouldn't it?
To set all this up and not be able to steal the painting.
Oh, don't worry, Ash can beat anything.
I got it!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wakey wakey, rise and shine!
Yeah.
Er, yeah.
Well?
Virtually every alarm ever made, you can deal with, because at some point, it has an entry system and if you can get at it, you can bypass it somehow.
The Spider's Web security system is like a mesh.
A bit like this.
Er...were they my fishnets?
Sorry, needs must and all that.
Miniature chips are embedded in the mesh and it's fixed permanently to the back of the canvas.
So.
Permanently?
That's why it's genius.
It's actually stitched into the canvas itself.
You move the painting even a millimetre, all hell breaks loose.
According to the spec on their website, as soon as movement is detected, it sends a signal not only to alarms on site and the local nick, but to all the doors on site, which are then locked permanently.
The web can't be removed cos it's sewn into the canvas, you can't bypass it, cos you can't get at it without moving the painting.
Which you can't do, because that will trigger it.
So are we going to try and block the signal externally?
No, no, they're ahead of you.
The mesh has a sensor which detects when any kind of block's put on its signal.
Sounds tough.
Never seen anything like it in my life.
OK, so what's the solution?
There isn't one.
What?
It does what it says on the tin.
There's no way to beat it.
Ash...
I'm sorry, I've been all round the houses.
The simple truth is it's impossible.
So, all that work for nothing.
It's not your fault, Ash.
Here, don't reckon he's gonna jump, do you?
No, but I think I might.
I think he's best left alone.
I'll just have a quick look.
Sean!
He won't even know I'm there.
Sorry.
Just thought I'd check if you were all right.
So, what we do we do now?
We walk away.
Let 'em beat us?
You heard what he said.
It can't be done.
But you told me that real grifters don't give up.
That they never know when they're beaten.
Shall I piss off now?
I think you'd better.
Well?
We had a little chat.
And?
And you were right.
He was best left alone.
Ash.
Can you get us into the gallery?
I can get you in anywhere, Mick, you know that.
But you cannot nick this painting.
There's nothing to actually stop you moving the painting?
The second you do, the system kicks in.
You'll never get it out of the room.
Just work out how to get us in there, I'll worry about the rest.
Back, back, back, back.
Stop.
yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Very good.
Very good.
Oh, yes.
It's been an amazing success.
Are you fans of his later work?
Here's the gallery plans, Ash.
Nice one.
Are these two really worth all this effort?
It's not them so much, it's what they represent.
They belong to a world where the only important thing is financial gain.
That's all that matters.
So they create a system where only they can win.
Survival of the fittest.
The problem with keeping people under your thumb is after a while, someone is likely to jump up and bite your hand off.
Someone like you?
Someone exactly like me.
Yeah, I'm starting to understand what you said before about it not being just about the money.
Then you're halfway there.
OK, everyone.
Let's get our heads in gear.
Ash, where are we?
Right.
I can get us in, after that, it's up to you.
Good.
Then we should go tonight.
And here is how I think we steal this painting.
You all right, mate?
Go easy on me, first night.
No tower blocks, eh?
Number seven.
Whitehall.
Where's your crew?
Where d'you think?
They're out stuffing their faces, I'll pick 'em up on the way.
What about the alarm?
There's only motion detectors in the corridors on the top floor.
It gets more interesting on the exhibition floors, but I'll disable the main alarm once we get in there.
You clearly had a misspent youth.
You don't know the half of it.
Voila!
Down here.
Albert was right.
It's quite something, seeing you two in action first hand.
If I'm not back in three hours, send a search party.
I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B.
Building?
No.
Biro?
No.
I give in.
You can't give in after two goes.
Why not?
It shows a lack of stickability.
Stickability?
That's not even a word.
You can't have a lack of something that doesn't exist.
Of course it's a word.
Well, it isn't in the dictionary.
Neither is supercalifragilisticexpealidocious, but it's still a word.
Not really, it's a song.
OK, it's a song.
About a word.
You just can't admit you're wrong, can you?
That's because I'm not.
There's a word for people like you.
And what's that?
A neverthinkyourewrongist.
How can an art gallery make so much rubbish, eh?
And...freeze.
Now, let's clear the way.
Broom.
No.
Bottle.
Where?
No.
'OK, go.
' Copy.
So, what was it?
Bulb.
That's a lightbulb.
That should be an L!
Cheat.
Hello, sis.
Fancy seeing you here.
Is stickability a word?
Hurry up!
'They're out like a light.
' THEY SNORE You sure this is going to work?
Well...no.
Morning, Brian.
Morning, sir.
Aiden!
It's gone!
Security?
Harry, Harry!
Just get your arse in the car and get down there!
OK?
Bye.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me!
Oh!
Oh, shit!
Aargh!
Eddie, mate, that was the dog's whatsits.
Hear, hear.
Outstanding.
A work of art.
I dunno.
I'm still not sure about this.
I'm telling you, this fusion thing is so yesterday, this is hot off the press, this New London.
And The Ivy's really doing fry-ups?
Egg, beans and chips is its new signature dish, innit, Mick?
Absolutely.
Only, you lot haven't exactly always been honest with me.
I find that hard to believe.
That's very hurtful, Eddie.
I'm sorry, but you haven't.
Right, that's it.
Cancel my order.
What?
I'm cancelling my breakfast order in protest.
I don't expect a bill, either.
But you've eaten it!
It's a matter of principle.
You will not go to heaven.
He loves it.
Keeps him on his toes.
Right.
What d'you think?
Is it time?
Yeah, I think so.
Shall we?
No!
This isn't possible.
Well, obviously, it is sodding possible, you dick, because the painting isn't there!
Shit.
You said it was foolproof.
100%!
It was!
Was it?
Was it really?
Really?
Then where's the bloody painting?
Had the security doors been activated?
No.
Alarms?
Nothing.
They must have done!
Alarms sound and doors lock if the painting's moved a millimetre!
Well, evidently, they didn't!
OK, hold on.
But the gallery, you've got your own insurance, right?
Yes.
For everything except the theft of this painting.
On your instructions.
Shit.
No, no, no, no, no, this isn't happening.
This isn't happening!
I'm afraid it is.
I'm sorry, you can't come in here.
Get them out, will you?
I think you'll really want to hear what we have to say.
Really?
Really?
Bit busy right now!
So I can see.
I said, get them out!
All right, no need.
But you'll never know where your painting is.
Wait!
Are you telling me you had something to do with this?
No, I'm telling you I had everything to do with this.
OK.
I'm listening.
Alone.
I really think we ought to call the police!
Just shut up!
Give me five minutes and then you can call in the bloody Household Cavalry!
I really, really hope you're not wasting my time.
Ash.
Uh-uh.
Mmm-mmm.
Where is it?
Somewhere safe.
What makes you think I won't call the police?
Because the painting was last valued at upwards of £3 million pounds, which you and Mr Knob here have personally guaranteed the gallery, should it be stolen.
Now you can call the police, get us locked up, but whatever happens to us, you'll still have to pay out, should that painting not be found.
Tell me if I'm going too fast.
Not to mention your security system would be ruined if this got out.
A bit like you two.
You might have to cut back on the champagne and caviar.
What do you want?
Sean?
D'you know, I always preferred brunettes.
This is Mrs Fowler.
Paul Fowler's widow.
It was his company that developed Spider's Web, the company you cheated.
So, first, I would like you to sign this.
What is it?
It's a contract.
I know how keen you are on them.
It guarantees Mrs Fowler sole ownership of the Spider's Web.
And if we don't sign?
Shut up, Harry!
How do I know I can trust you, that you'll give me the painting back?
Because if I don't, Spider's Web will be discredited and Mrs Fowler won't get a penny.
And unlike you, I will not allow that to happen.
Oh, thank you very much.
Carl!
Just sign the bloody forms!
Now, where is it?
We're not quite finished yet.
On here, you will see your account details.
You bastard.
How much?
500,000.
WHAT?
Yes.
Half as a gesture of good faith for Mrs Fowler, the other half for us.
Call it a finder's fee.
Once it's done, you have my word, you'll get the painting.
500,000 or three million.
How's your maths?
How's my maths?
That's very good.
How's my maths?!
ARSE!
ARSE!
Now, where is my bloody painting?
Ash, would you care to do the honours?
Why is it working-class people are so violent?
You're sure this'll work?
No.
You see, unlike you, I am not a thief.
You know I can still call the bloody police!
And tell them what?
Tell that you...
That you stole my painting.
Oh, and we've sent details of all your bogus companies to the Intellectual Property Office.
So you won't be cheating anyone else.
Yes, well, two can bloody play at that game.
Then we'll take you down with us.
We'll let everyone know that New London Media is run by a bunch of crooks.
You'll never work in this town again.
Well, I guess we'll just have to live with that.
You really are a bloody moron.
What?
No?
I'm starting to really enjoy this.
Oh, so you want to be a grifter now, do you?
With you, there was too much running about and people trying to beat us up.
Thanks very much(!) We get a bit of that too.
Could have gone worse.
That was a beautiful thing you did.
Yes, it was.
Albert said you were a genius.
That's the thing, you see.
Real grifters never know when they're beaten.
I told him that.
You told me that?
Did I or did I not utter those words?
Technically, yes.
Then technically, I'm right.
I thought you did very well, Sean.
Yeah, apart from getting drunk and passing out twice.
I explained that.
Don't worry, Sean.
Ash is right.
You did good.
You too.
Thank you.
Do you know the bit I liked best?
The look on their faces when they realised we had them.
And the sweetest thing of all?
It couldn't have happened to two nicer blokes.
I love being a grifter.
Better than working.
And you meet such interesting people.
D'you think I could really make it, though, Mickey?
I mean, really make it?
Well, you need two things.
The first, you know about, grifters never know when they're beaten.
But you need something else, too.
What's that?
Stickability.
Stickability?
Don't listen to him, Sean, he thinks he's being funny.
It's not a word.
It's not a word.
I've looked it up...
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail us at - subtitling@bbc.co.uk
Well, while Albert's still banged up, we wait for Mickey to find us a mark.
Turn to page 15.
Our new marks.
Carlton Wood and Harry Fielding.
Two for the price of one.
What's "IPR"?
Intellectual property rights.
Wood and Fielding run a company called Cityprime Associates.
They specialise in intellectual property.
Trademarks, patents, that kind of thing, usually for high-end technology.
So why them?
What do we need most in a mark?
Money.
Greed.
Exactly.
While it's true to say they have their snouts firmly in the trough, they do so at other people's expense.
Six months ago, Paul Fowler, the owner of a small family business, approached them with a prototype for a new security device.
Eventually, the patent was granted.
But to another security company.
And guess what?
The other security company is owned by Cityprime Associates.
Thieving bastards.
The whole thing went to court, but the family business found of Wood and Fielding's legal team.
They didn't stand a chance.
So he killed himself?
He left behind a wife and four children.
On the evening of Paul Fowler's funeral, I found Wood and Fielding at their private members' club, drinking champagne.
So they get my vote.
Mine too.
I guess that makes it unanimous.
So, what do you think of our new recruits?
She's sharp as a bleedin' scalpel.
And she's fit.
Which never hurts.
Little brother's bright enough, but I wouldn't exactly call him a grifter yet.
And get this - he wants to be an actor.
Emma's trying to save up enough to send him to drama school.
So, I was thinking, maybe we should start simple.
Give 'em time to find their feet.
Now where's the fun in that?
You're just gonna chuck 'em in the deep end, aren't you?
Yeah.
Great.
So when it goes wrong, we can all go and join Albert in the nick.
Ash, it won't go wrong.
They're ready.
That's why they're here.
You know they were farmed out as kids, went from one home after another, as far as I can make out.
They did a runner when she was 14, he was nine.
Been on the streets ever since.
But you know what?
You may have found someone who hates the system just as much as you do.
We need to find out exactly how these guys operate, so that we can find a way in.
Now, Cityprime offices are located on Chamberlain Street.
Get yourself down there.
Find the wine bar nearest the offices and then, nice and easy, chat to people.
See if they know Wood and Fielding.
Find out what you can about them, OK?
What sort of thing exactly?
Personal detail.
What they drink, what sort of woman they like, what sports they play, whether they voted for Ken or Boris, what star sign they are.
Sure.
Gotcha.
Be back here in a couple of hours.
So, what do you want me to do?
Well, I thought we could work the inside together.
OK.
Good.
Can I ask you something?
Of course.
You really dislike these two, don't you?
I dislike what they represent.
And do you always get emotionally involved with your marks?
Well, if I don't, then it's just about the money.
And that's a bad thing?
For me?
Yes, it is.
And so this design, we feel, will make Spider's Web the new market leader.
We're now ready for any questions you may have.
I have a question.
It's about your company's recruitment strategy.
Excuse me?
I was just wondering.
Do you advertise for morons, or do you just take people with the lowest IQ you can find and train them down?
No?
Not an answer, nothing?
We asked you for a campaign that would launch this product into the international arena overnight, and you come here and pitch us a picture of a bloody spider's web?
Well...
Now he's got something to say.
Shut up!
I'm talking!
Shut up!
The product is called Spider's Web, so what we were hoping for was just a hint of imagination.
Well, actually...
Please, for the love of God, shut it!
If the product was called Aardvark, I'd expect a little more for my 50 grand than a picture of a sodding anteater!
Comprende?
Now, piss off!
OUT!
Move!
You cannot leave this office fast enough!
Out!
Sorry.
Blimey!
Thanks for that.
Don't worry.
What's your name?
Nick.
Steve.
Pull up a stool, join us.
Looks like quite a set-up.
Looks like Wood is the business brain and Fielding does the technical stuff.
I wonder how Sean's getting on?
Good drink, guys, eh?
He should be here by now.
He'll be here.
I'm back!
Sean?
Sean?
Sorry I'm late.
Hard to get away.
I had to drink champagne, tequila and this tiny little green thing they wouldn't tell me the name of.
Did you learn anything in-between drinks?
Yes.
It's all up here, Mr Bricks.
You can't imagine how worrying that is.
Right.
Carlton Wood and Harry Fielding.
Carlton studied corporate law, Cityprime four years ago.
Harry studied science and engineering, they teamed up a year and a half ago.
Well, we're not going to get anything out of him.
Anyway, both born with a silver spoon up their jacks.
Two ruthless individuals, not least with each other.
So now we've got a product launch without a bloody PR company.
Well, you're the one who called them morons and threw them out.
You are such an arse!
What they do is bloody clever.
So their primary business is registering and protecting intellectual property?
Well, yeah, but I reckon it's a front.
For what?
Over the last 18 months, they've registered nine smaller companies.
Now it's impossible to be sure, but each one of those companies seemed to have been launched off the back of a single new innovation.
Explain.
They were all registered, launched one product, then sold shortly afterwards.
So they steal new technology using Cityprime, set up a new company to exploit it, then sell that company on to make a fortune.
Exactly.
And Paul Fowler's company?
Well, as far as I can make out, Fowler took them his prototype security device.
It's designed to attach to paintings and rare works of art to prevent them being stolen.
They took on the contract to obtain a patent, but then went back to Fowler a few weeks later and told him the idea was already protected with a similar product called Spider's Web.
Basically, they're two nasty little bastards on the make.
So, how do we get to them?
Well, the quickest way would be to invent something they want to nick.
No, that puts us in their world and puts them in the driving seat.
No, I need an edge.
Sean.
Sean!
What else did you find out about them?
Who?
Wood and Fielding.
Oh, oh.
Er, posh as you like.
They love birds, booze and fast cars.
Detail, Sean!
Oh...
Er, Harry drinks black coffee, he supports the Arsenal and shoves half the Colombian cocaine output up his nose.
Bit of a dickhead.
Carlton's the brains of the operation, drinks energy drinks, thinks football's gay, got a thing about brunettes with natural assets, and just done the London marathon in two...two hours and 37 minutes.
There was something about a security company they've got a big stake in, launching this amazing new product...Spider something.
Web?
That's the one, Spider's Web, yeah.
Something about precious art, museums and what have you.
They're excited about the launch, but it's been delayed cos they sacked their PR company.
Carlton plays badminton every Wednesday, left-handed, has a massage afterwards, likes Michael Buble and voted for Boris.
Harry got mugged three months ago, so he's taken up martial arts.
He voted for Boris too and he's a fan of Mika.
From what I can tell, everyone I spoke to hated them, and the barmaid in their local, get this, the barmaid in their local spits in their drinks.
We got our way in then - PR.
You nearly blew it.
I thought I did all right.
Sean!
You passed out.
He sent me out to get pissed.
No, he didn't, he sent you out on a recce.
You have to try and be smarter.
You're the smart one.
You got the brains, I got the looks.
I'm serious.
I know.
Look, maybe you three would be better without me.
No.
Come on, sis.
It was all right when it was just you and me, playing your boyfriend or assistant, or standing on a corner collecting wallets.
These guys are out of my league.
They're out of mine too, but we can learn.
You deserve all this, I'll just get in your way.
No, no.
We do this together, like we've always done.
Just...
Be smarter?
Yes.
You really want this, don't you?
Yeah, I do.
Best behaviour.
Promise.
Eddie!
Meet Emma and Sean.
You'll be seeing a lot more of them.
Very nice to meet you.
So, you grifters too, are you?
Eddie's like an honorary member of the team.
Yeah.
So no trying out your little games on me, I'm too smart.
We'll try and remember that, Eddie.
Good.
What can I get you?
Four beers.
Three beers and a very strong black coffee.
You haven't said anything yet.
About what?
The new decor.
I thought I'd go for a bit of a fusion between Art Deco and New Romantic, with just a hint of Moroccan.
I've been watching that house show on the telly.
Gave me loads of ideas.
It's lovely.
You still selling beer, though?
Course I am.
Well, let's have a look at those first, eh?
OK, so, the Spider's Web launch.
That's the thing they're excited about, so I think that's our way in.
Sean, you said they sacked their PR company?
That's what I was told.
OK, well, we know they go to The Alibi Bar when they finish work.
Use the contacts you met in there to give you an introduction.
When you're in their company, talk about a genius PR woman you're meeting for a drink there later on.
That'll be me, I take it?
Well, have you ever seen Ash in a dress?
It's not a pretty sight.
I've got great legs, it's the top half lets me down.
So we pretend to be from this PR company, flog 'em a great idea?
Something like that.
It's going to be a tough sell.
They're more likely to talk to us if we're a PR company with a proven track record.
Then we'll have to create our own brand.
How?
Auto suggestion.
What's that?
OK, don't think of an elephant.
Do not think of an elephant.
Now, if they use the same route from work to the bar every evening, then...
What's the first thing that popped into your mind?
An elephant.
Auto suggestion.
We need to create our own brand name.
So come on then, seriously.
What d'you think?
What d'you reckon?
It's very nice, Eddie.
Do you think it says "New London"?
Absolutely.
Yeah?
Mick, what d'you reckon?
Er, yes, I think it's very nice what you've done.
I was thinking of putting on a bit of grub too, that's where the money is, like.
I'd carry on the fusion theme, sort of east meets west.
So I could have bangers and noodles, sweet and sour pork with chips.
That's genius.
Inspired, mate.
Brilliant.
Thank you very much.
That's not a bad name for a PR company.
Hello, could you put me through to New London Media, please?
OK, Sean, do you know what to do?
I'm an accounts manager who's here to meet the head honcho of a PR firm and his creative bird, who are going to launch my new financial services to the international market.
When we come in, just introduce us and we'll do the rest.
There!
Straight to the bar like clockwork.
Nice.
OK.
15 minutes enough?
Make it 45.
All right.
And Sean...
Yeah, I know, stick to orange juice.
Nice tits.
Shame about the face.
two head honchos from this really hot PR company.
Oh, look!
Here they are now.
Be smart, be smart, be smart.
Hey, Steve!
Nick!
How you doing?
Harry, Carlton, meet Nick, a good friend of mine.
Harry, Carlton, good to meet you.
Shots!
Erm, could I grab a juice?
You know, this has been more fun than I thought.
Yes, it has.
And don't worry about Sean, he'll be fine.
Oh, no, I don't doubt that.
Short hair suits you.
It's itching like hell.
No pain, no gain.
Really?
I can't see much pain in your part of the forest.
That's because you've got no idea how silly I'd look in a wig.
Be fun to see, though.
I'm sure it would.
It must be weird for you, working with someone new.
I can honestly say it's a pleasure.
Thank you.
So much so, that I was thinking...
Oh?
..that maybe when this is done, we can get to know each other better Over dinner, perhaps?
It might help, you know, working together.
I can see the sense in that.
If that's all it was.
Business.
And if it wasn't?
The thing is...I don't do men.
Oh!
No, no!
I'm not a lesbian, either.
It's just that I've been hustling on the streets since I was 14.
Men haven't exactly covered themselves in glory with me.
So...it's just, if you don't ask, I won't have to say no.
OK.
Look, I'm really glad we got that out of the way so quickly.
Really?
Really.
OK.
Time to go to work.
Sis?
Sshhh!
Cecilia.
Cecilia Crawford.
We were supposed to have a meeting.
Oh, right, you're the...
You're the PR people.
He was telling us all about you.
Come on, we're wasting our time.
Hold on, hold on, what company are you with?
New London Media.
I've heard of them.
You're quite a big outfit, aren't you?
Well, we're the best at what we do, if that's what you mean.
Listen, why don't you join us for a drink?
I'll get him a cab.
That'd be great.
I love you.
The thing is, we're looking for a decent PR company ourselves, so maybe we could do some business together.
Shame to have a wasted trip, now your other meeting's not happening.
One drink.
OK.
Great.
Well, it seems to me that if this security device is completely fail-safe...
Which it is.
..then what you'll need is a gimmick that portrays that.
Go on.
Sorry, I'd feel better having a contract in place before we have this conversation.
Oh, don't be a knob.
Yeah, don't be a knob.
We're only having a chat.
Anyway, I thought she was the creative genius.
She is.
She's also very expensive.
All right, all right.
Tell you what.
Call this an interim contract. "
I...promise...to sign...
your contract "if you...stop...being...a knob."
Stop being a knob.
OK?
If you come up with any ideas we can use, we'll sign a contract to make sure you get paid fairly.
And I have your word on that?
Absolutely.
Cis?
Well, there's no harm in throwing a few ideas around, I guess.
No harm.
So, you were saying something about a gimmick.
So, can you guarantee that this web device can't be beaten?
100%.
Harry's my technical expert, if he says it's foolproof, then it's foolproof.
Are you in for the long haul or quick sale?
It makes a difference?
Of course it makes a difference.
Well, quick sale.
Right.
Well, then you need in-your-face marketing, something that's going to grab the headlines.
So...
You don't insure whatever your Spider's Web is going to protect against theft.
What?
That's ridiculous.
We can't possibly do that.
No, it's quite a guarantee.
And not only that, but your potential client will save a fortune in premiums.
They'll be queuing up to buy.
Yeah, but no insurance would mean...
You can insure for damage, just not theft.
Either it's a foolproof system or it isn't.
I also understand that the London Gallery is going to be exhibiting an Issac Moore painting.
It would be quite the PR coup if you could use that as your first gig.
Brilliant.
What?
It's genius.
It will certainly create a buzz.
It certainly would.
You are very good.
Yes, I am.
So, do I take it you're interested in using Cecilia's marketing idea?
Yeah, it's brilliant.
Then I'll have the contract drawn up.
Mmm?
Contract?
Yeah, absolutely.
Good, good.
We'll be in touch.
It was a good job our little friend couldn't hold his drink.
Cheers.
You know it's strange, I could have sworn Nick told me he was teetotal.
Yeah, I wondered what the orange juice thing was about, so I spiked it.
Truth is, he was a bit of an oik.
Really?
And let's be honest, if you don't drink, what the bloody hell are you doing in a bar?
So you're a drinking man, then?
Hell, yes.
Well, why don't we celebrate our new partnership properly?
With a drinking contest.
Cecilia...
Yeah, OK.
We're up for it!
No, just you and me.
Come on, Fielding, don't let the side down.
She's a girl!
Sorry, no offence.
Oh, none taken.
I thought we had another meeting.
Just a quick drink.
Set them up.
Have another one!
It's a shame, I thought he'd put up more of a fight.
Yeah, well, he never could take his drink.
I'll be seeing you very soon.
Harry, you're a disgrace!
Emma, was that absolutely necessary?
Yeah.
He had it coming.
Whoa!
All right?
Maybe that third bottle was a mistake.
Or the second, mmm?
About earlier.
The dinner thing.
Maybe...
We had the conversation, and you were right.
We shouldn't mix business with pleasure.
Oh, taxi!
That's exactly what I was going to say.
Oh, where's Sean?
Come on.
Emma, let me talk to him.
Look, if you've come to give me a lecture, I'm not interested.
Thanks, Eddie.
I remember when Albert sent me out on my first job.
It was my first long con.
He was playing a US congressman called Walter Kaplan and I was his assistant.
My first job was to pick up the mark, a businessman, and take him to Albert's hotel.
I picked up the mark at the right time and took him where he bumped into an old friend, who persuaded him not to invest in our deal.
What did Albert say?
He said, "It's all in the detail, kid."
He was happy, because he knew I'd learnt a lesson.
It was a lesson I never forgot.
And from that day to this, I double-check everything.
Twice.
So what are you trying to tell me?
I need to learn not to get rat-arsed?
No, I think you should do what Albert did.
When things don't go according to plan, you dust yourself off and move on.
Or maybe you admit you're out of your depth and move on.
You could do that.
But the thing about grifters...well, the thing about real grifters, is they never know when they're beaten.
So the question isn't, "Am I out of my depth?"
or, "Should I move on?"
The question is, "Do I want to be a grifter?"
Thank you very much for joining us here at our product launch, and we launch it this morning to coincide with the new exhibition at the London Gallery.
Yes?
Will the Web be used at the exhibition?
Harry!
As we speak, the Web is being fixed to Isaac Moore's "Winter Lake".
After the recent art thefts in Toronto and Berlin, we can 100% guarantee that there is no way the same thing will happen here.
You're saying it can't be stolen?
Absolutely.
It's a physical impossibility.
In fact, and this is why the Web will be used in every major gallery in the world, there is no need to insure against theft, simply because it can't happen.
Thereby saving galleries millions of pounds in premiums.
Thank you very much, for asking all the right questions.
Ah, it's the dynamic duo.
Well, that seemed to go down well.
It did, didn't it?
So the no insurance thing worked.
Like a dream.
Well, I knew it would.
You did the deal with the London Gallery?
The no insurance thing made it a no-brainer.
Excellent.
I've brought the contract.
Contract for what?
For using our services.
Ah, well, we won't be.
What?
Well, we don't really need you any more, I mean, we've had the product launch.
But you used our idea.
I think it was my idea, actually.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I said it first.
You know that's not true.
Harry?
Hard to say, really, I mean, we were all drinking, chatting, ideas bouncing around.
But, no, wait...yah, I'm pretty damn sure Carlton said it first.
See?
We'll take this to the courts.
Oh, well, I look forward to that.
Oh, and don't forget to bring all your proof, dated letters, emails etc, outlining your idea.
Oh, shit!
You haven't got any, have you?
mat.
The judge will love that.
Whose name did you sign it with?
I can't remember.
Was it Mr Knob?
Yes, quite possibly.
Mr Knob.
They refused to sign the contract.
No?
So they stole the idea without paying us?
Yes, they did.
Oh, well, Mr Bricks, just when I was starting to think you lot were superhuman.
Knowing you screwed up like that, I don't feel as much of a prat.
I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself.
I've missed something here, haven't I?
To bend someone's will, you need to find the one thing they cherish most and threaten it.
They've just launched their new security device to the art world.
Something they have so much confidence in, they've come up with a gimmick.
Isaac Moore's "Winter Lake".
They're not insuring it for theft.
But that was your idea.
Precisely.
Listen, you're gonna have to spell this out for me.
Why would we go to all this trouble to make sure they didn't insure that painting?
So you can nick it.
Hurrah!
All right.
They'd have to stump up the money themselves.
Which would break them.
So that's what this was all about?
Setting them up?
What about this security thing?
Supposed to be foolproof.
It is.
But Ash has been working on how to beat it.
How's it going?
Well, I'm working on it.
You can beat it, though?
Yeah, yeah, course.
Cos that'd be really stupid, wouldn't it?
To set all this up and not be able to steal the painting.
Oh, don't worry, Ash can beat anything.
I got it!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wakey wakey, rise and shine!
Yeah.
Er, yeah.
Well?
Virtually every alarm ever made, you can deal with, because at some point, it has an entry system and if you can get at it, you can bypass it somehow.
The Spider's Web security system is like a mesh.
A bit like this.
Er...were they my fishnets?
Sorry, needs must and all that.
Miniature chips are embedded in the mesh and it's fixed permanently to the back of the canvas.
So.
Permanently?
That's why it's genius.
It's actually stitched into the canvas itself.
You move the painting even a millimetre, all hell breaks loose.
According to the spec on their website, as soon as movement is detected, it sends a signal not only to alarms on site and the local nick, but to all the doors on site, which are then locked permanently.
The web can't be removed cos it's sewn into the canvas, you can't bypass it, cos you can't get at it without moving the painting.
Which you can't do, because that will trigger it.
So are we going to try and block the signal externally?
No, no, they're ahead of you.
The mesh has a sensor which detects when any kind of block's put on its signal.
Sounds tough.
Never seen anything like it in my life.
OK, so what's the solution?
There isn't one.
What?
It does what it says on the tin.
There's no way to beat it.
Ash...
I'm sorry, I've been all round the houses.
The simple truth is it's impossible.
So, all that work for nothing.
It's not your fault, Ash.
Here, don't reckon he's gonna jump, do you?
No, but I think I might.
I think he's best left alone.
I'll just have a quick look.
Sean!
He won't even know I'm there.
Sorry.
Just thought I'd check if you were all right.
So, what we do we do now?
We walk away.
Let 'em beat us?
You heard what he said.
It can't be done.
But you told me that real grifters don't give up.
That they never know when they're beaten.
Shall I piss off now?
I think you'd better.
Well?
We had a little chat.
And?
And you were right.
He was best left alone.
Ash.
Can you get us into the gallery?
I can get you in anywhere, Mick, you know that.
But you cannot nick this painting.
There's nothing to actually stop you moving the painting?
The second you do, the system kicks in.
You'll never get it out of the room.
Just work out how to get us in there, I'll worry about the rest.
Back, back, back, back.
Stop.
yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Very good.
Very good.
Oh, yes.
It's been an amazing success.
Are you fans of his later work?
Here's the gallery plans, Ash.
Nice one.
Are these two really worth all this effort?
It's not them so much, it's what they represent.
They belong to a world where the only important thing is financial gain.
That's all that matters.
So they create a system where only they can win.
Survival of the fittest.
The problem with keeping people under your thumb is after a while, someone is likely to jump up and bite your hand off.
Someone like you?
Someone exactly like me.
Yeah, I'm starting to understand what you said before about it not being just about the money.
Then you're halfway there.
OK, everyone.
Let's get our heads in gear.
Ash, where are we?
Right.
I can get us in, after that, it's up to you.
Good.
Then we should go tonight.
And here is how I think we steal this painting.
You all right, mate?
Go easy on me, first night.
No tower blocks, eh?
Number seven.
Whitehall.
Where's your crew?
Where d'you think?
They're out stuffing their faces, I'll pick 'em up on the way.
What about the alarm?
There's only motion detectors in the corridors on the top floor.
It gets more interesting on the exhibition floors, but I'll disable the main alarm once we get in there.
You clearly had a misspent youth.
You don't know the half of it.
Voila!
Down here.
Albert was right.
It's quite something, seeing you two in action first hand.
If I'm not back in three hours, send a search party.
I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B.
Building?
No.
Biro?
No.
I give in.
You can't give in after two goes.
Why not?
It shows a lack of stickability.
Stickability?
That's not even a word.
You can't have a lack of something that doesn't exist.
Of course it's a word.
Well, it isn't in the dictionary.
Neither is supercalifragilisticexpealidocious, but it's still a word.
Not really, it's a song.
OK, it's a song.
About a word.
You just can't admit you're wrong, can you?
That's because I'm not.
There's a word for people like you.
And what's that?
A neverthinkyourewrongist.
How can an art gallery make so much rubbish, eh?
And...freeze.
Now, let's clear the way.
Broom.
No.
Bottle.
Where?
No.
'OK, go.
' Copy.
So, what was it?
Bulb.
That's a lightbulb.
That should be an L!
Cheat.
Hello, sis.
Fancy seeing you here.
Is stickability a word?
Hurry up!
'They're out like a light.
' THEY SNORE You sure this is going to work?
Well...no.
Morning, Brian.
Morning, sir.
Aiden!
It's gone!
Security?
Harry, Harry!
Just get your arse in the car and get down there!
OK?
Bye.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me!
Oh!
Oh, shit!
Aargh!
Eddie, mate, that was the dog's whatsits.
Hear, hear.
Outstanding.
A work of art.
I dunno.
I'm still not sure about this.
I'm telling you, this fusion thing is so yesterday, this is hot off the press, this New London.
And The Ivy's really doing fry-ups?
Egg, beans and chips is its new signature dish, innit, Mick?
Absolutely.
Only, you lot haven't exactly always been honest with me.
I find that hard to believe.
That's very hurtful, Eddie.
I'm sorry, but you haven't.
Right, that's it.
Cancel my order.
What?
I'm cancelling my breakfast order in protest.
I don't expect a bill, either.
But you've eaten it!
It's a matter of principle.
You will not go to heaven.
He loves it.
Keeps him on his toes.
Right.
What d'you think?
Is it time?
Yeah, I think so.
Shall we?
No!
This isn't possible.
Well, obviously, it is sodding possible, you dick, because the painting isn't there!
Shit.
You said it was foolproof.
100%!
It was!
Was it?
Was it really?
Really?
Then where's the bloody painting?
Had the security doors been activated?
No.
Alarms?
Nothing.
They must have done!
Alarms sound and doors lock if the painting's moved a millimetre!
Well, evidently, they didn't!
OK, hold on.
But the gallery, you've got your own insurance, right?
Yes.
For everything except the theft of this painting.
On your instructions.
Shit.
No, no, no, no, no, this isn't happening.
This isn't happening!
I'm afraid it is.
I'm sorry, you can't come in here.
Get them out, will you?
I think you'll really want to hear what we have to say.
Really?
Really?
Bit busy right now!
So I can see.
I said, get them out!
All right, no need.
But you'll never know where your painting is.
Wait!
Are you telling me you had something to do with this?
No, I'm telling you I had everything to do with this.
OK.
I'm listening.
Alone.
I really think we ought to call the police!
Just shut up!
Give me five minutes and then you can call in the bloody Household Cavalry!
I really, really hope you're not wasting my time.
Ash.
Uh-uh.
Mmm-mmm.
Where is it?
Somewhere safe.
What makes you think I won't call the police?
Because the painting was last valued at upwards of £3 million pounds, which you and Mr Knob here have personally guaranteed the gallery, should it be stolen.
Now you can call the police, get us locked up, but whatever happens to us, you'll still have to pay out, should that painting not be found.
Tell me if I'm going too fast.
Not to mention your security system would be ruined if this got out.
A bit like you two.
You might have to cut back on the champagne and caviar.
What do you want?
Sean?
D'you know, I always preferred brunettes.
This is Mrs Fowler.
Paul Fowler's widow.
It was his company that developed Spider's Web, the company you cheated.
So, first, I would like you to sign this.
What is it?
It's a contract.
I know how keen you are on them.
It guarantees Mrs Fowler sole ownership of the Spider's Web.
And if we don't sign?
Shut up, Harry!
How do I know I can trust you, that you'll give me the painting back?
Because if I don't, Spider's Web will be discredited and Mrs Fowler won't get a penny.
And unlike you, I will not allow that to happen.
Oh, thank you very much.
Carl!
Just sign the bloody forms!
Now, where is it?
We're not quite finished yet.
On here, you will see your account details.
You bastard.
How much?
500,000.
WHAT?
Yes.
Half as a gesture of good faith for Mrs Fowler, the other half for us.
Call it a finder's fee.
Once it's done, you have my word, you'll get the painting.
500,000 or three million.
How's your maths?
How's my maths?
That's very good.
How's my maths?!
ARSE!
ARSE!
Now, where is my bloody painting?
Ash, would you care to do the honours?
Why is it working-class people are so violent?
You're sure this'll work?
No.
You see, unlike you, I am not a thief.
You know I can still call the bloody police!
And tell them what?
Tell that you...
That you stole my painting.
Oh, and we've sent details of all your bogus companies to the Intellectual Property Office.
So you won't be cheating anyone else.
Yes, well, two can bloody play at that game.
Then we'll take you down with us.
We'll let everyone know that New London Media is run by a bunch of crooks.
You'll never work in this town again.
Well, I guess we'll just have to live with that.
You really are a bloody moron.
What?
No?
I'm starting to really enjoy this.
Oh, so you want to be a grifter now, do you?
With you, there was too much running about and people trying to beat us up.
Thanks very much(!) We get a bit of that too.
Could have gone worse.
That was a beautiful thing you did.
Yes, it was.
Albert said you were a genius.
That's the thing, you see.
Real grifters never know when they're beaten.
I told him that.
You told me that?
Did I or did I not utter those words?
Technically, yes.
Then technically, I'm right.
I thought you did very well, Sean.
Yeah, apart from getting drunk and passing out twice.
I explained that.
Don't worry, Sean.
Ash is right.
You did good.
You too.
Thank you.
Do you know the bit I liked best?
The look on their faces when they realised we had them.
And the sweetest thing of all?
It couldn't have happened to two nicer blokes.
I love being a grifter.
Better than working.
And you meet such interesting people.
D'you think I could really make it, though, Mickey?
I mean, really make it?
Well, you need two things.
The first, you know about, grifters never know when they're beaten.
But you need something else, too.
What's that?
Stickability.
Stickability?
Don't listen to him, Sean, he thinks he's being funny.
It's not a word.
It's not a word.
I've looked it up...
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