Show: In Treatment - 4x19
Ever since being here last week, I'm realizing that I don't need physical things, so I'm getting rid of it.
I'm getting rid of all of it.
I'm selling it.
Something important is here, Laila.
And I think it somehow ties to your constant desire to escape.
I just want like...
Cara and I to be comfortable living in Peru for a while.
You want to hightail it four-thousand miles to get away from your grandmother who you think is too controlling.
Yeah.
So what?
I have to tell you I'm concerned.
That I'm being reckless?
Impulsive?
That I'm giving everything up?
That I'm being immature?
Well, yeah.
Maybe I am.
Maybe that's just exactly what I fucking wanna be.
It's horrible, right?
Seven years old, playing in the backyard.
I mean, the Santa Anas happen all the time.
And this kid was just out in the grass, playing with a soccer ball, and, like, a tree limb just, like, broke.
Dropped him, out cold, boom.
Like, freak accident.
And so, the grandpa becomes an Uber driver to help with the medical bills.
Like, can you imagine?
Like, out of everything that's happened, COVID, the wildfires, it was just, like, like, the wind!
And the kid is, like, still in the ICU.
Laila...
It's just like everything is fine.
You're outside, the sun is shining, and out of nowhere, like, wham!
Nothing is the same!
Like, nothing!
What is it, Laila?
Tell me.
Whatever it is, saying it out loud is never as bad as...
It's just a sad story that the Uber driver told me!
Can't I just, like, be upset about it?!
It's difficult for me to not acknowledge the emotional response you had just now, but it seems like you want to move on.
Yeah.
You should.
Definitely move on.
Okay.
So, are you willing to take me to the end of...
Wait.
Why were you in an Uber?
What happened to your car?
I donated it.
You donated it.
Who did you donate it to?
To a women's shelter.
To a women's shelter.
God, is there, like, an echo in here?
I'm just trying to understand why you donated your custom Bentley to a women's shelter.
Because they're gonna get a lot of money for it.
Of course.
And some of the women just don't have anything except for the clothes on their backs.
They just wake up one morning and, like, go.
No plan, nothing.
Just...
ready.
Finally.
I agree it's a worthy cause, but...
maybe I need to pose the question differently.
Instead of why, maybe why now?
Because what does it matter?
I told you last week that things are...
pretty much meaningless.
I'm figuring out that they're only worth whatever they're worth to you.
What do you mean?
Well...
I bet that you'd pay more for this house than I would.
Well, the real estate market determines the value of this house, Laila, not me.
Bullshit.
Your dad designed this house.
He's everywhere in it.
He's, like, in the walls and shit, and that translates to...
Huh.
Why do you even do this?
This work?
Like, sit and listen to people's problems all day long.
Like, blah blah blah blah, it's so boring.
Well, there are a lot of reasons, but mostly, it reminds me I'm not the only one with problems.
So you really actually believe in it?
I do.
I believe the more you know yourself, the more secure you feel and...
with that security comes freedom.
And do you know yourself?
For a long time, I thought I did.
Luckily, in my profession, there's always more to know.
What do you believe, Laila?
What kind of question is that?
What matters to you?
Um...
Do you believe in God?
I'm betting no.
Would my answer change how you feel on the subject?
Hm.
Look who's deflecting now.
If I'm being truthful...
I've struggled with having faith.
I wanted it.
Wanted it desperately, but it's always just...
over there.
Just out of reach.
That's funny.
What's funny about it?
No, I mean, like...
I get that out-of-reach feeling, too.
But, in a weird way...
that is God to me.
Sometimes, I go to the overlook at night by myself to be there alone.
And...
and just look at all the lights across the city, the streetlights, house lights, lights of the cars on the 405, and, in a way, I feel like I've already hurled myself off of the overlook, except I'm not falling.
I'm floating.
And everything is so far away.
Nothing can touch me.
It's so intensely beautiful that I almost get too excited.
Like, I can hear my heart beating in my ears, and I can feel it in my fingertips.
It's both the feeling of being really high and deep underwater at the same time.
Do you know what I mean?
And that's God?
It's...
Ascension.
From the Latin ascendere, to climb.
To rise to a higher, more powerful position.
And is that the draw to the mountains?
To Machu Picchu?
And then I come back down that hill, and here the fuck I am.
Well, until you get to Peru, right?
Can you just, like, stop talking about Peru?
I don't think we've spoken about it at all today.
No, not just today, but last week, too!
You just kept on going on and on about how it was gonna ruin my life.
I don't think I said that, Laila.
Yes, you did.
You talked about it so much that I couldn't stop thinking about it.
You said it might not happen the way I had planned it, and...
I don't know, it was scary to think about.
I'm sure it was.
You're brave to think about it though...
Don't call me brave!
I'm not brave!
I'm a fucking idiot, Dr.
Taylor.
Like, she laughed at me.
Laughed at me.
Who did?
All of our stories about renting a flat in London, or, or buying a yacht and sailing around the world, or, like, what it would be like to live on Mars or in Ancient Egypt.
Cara thought Peru was just that, like a story.
Like something that we were just making up.
Laila...
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you fucking should be!
Because if you didn't get it into my head that it wouldn't have happened the way I'd planned it, I wouldn't have asked Cara about Peru in the first place!
It was the wrong time!
Wrong time how?
Because...
Because it would've become real to her eventually.
You pretend till it's real.
Like "fake it till you make it."
I mean, it's gonna go on Jamal's fucking gravestone.
And what if you didn't do that?
What if you just stopped pretending?
And do what?
Just be.
Be here.
Be you.
You're out of your fucking mind.
Excuse me?
Be me?
Who the fuck is that?
My grandma has controlled my life since I was, like, three years old.
Like, do I even like pink?
My room is pink, but I didn't decorate my room.
My grandmother did.
I have pink bags and pink shoes and...
and pink hair sometimes, and is that because I actually like pink or is that just because that's what she told me I liked, and I've just never, like...
Laila, do you like pink?
That's not the point!
It's not about pink!
It's everything!
Like, I've had scrambled eggs for breakfast ever since I could remember, and is that because I actually like them, or is that just because that's the only thing that grandma likes to cook?
Laila, do you like scrambled eggs?
No, I don't fucking know!
I don't know!
Fuck!
Look, I just can't do this, Dr.
Taylor.
I just can't, like, sit down and, like, shoot the shit.
Okay, so don't!
Walk around.
Walk around the living room, if that's what you need to do.
It's just so embarrassing, you know?
What is?
That I'm 18 fucking years old, like, I can drive, I can vote, but I don't even know how I like my fucking eggs!
Well then, fuck the eggs!
I like cereal for breakfast anyway.
What kind of cereal do you like?
I...
I don't know.
I like Raisin Bran.
Raisin Bran is, like, for old people.
Maybe, and I like it.
What kind of cereal do you like?
No, don't think so hard.
Just answer impulsively.
What's your favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
Mm-hmm.
But, like, I'm not allowed to have them because there's too much sugar.
Favorite cheese.
What?
I like Camembert if it's on a cheese plate.
If I'm having a sandwich, I like provolone.
What kind of cheese do you like?
Um, white American.
Not regular American?
Like Kraft Singles?
No.
Ew.
Who's better, Beyoncé or Solange?
That's like apples and oranges.
Fine.
Apples or oranges?
Oranges.
And Solange.
What's your best quality?
No fucking way.
Who knows that about themselves?
Don't think.
Best quality.
Um, I'm mystical.
But not like magic powers or anything.
It's more like mystifying or unclear.
And that's a bad thing?
Does it sound like a good thing?
Good.
New rule.
No thinking, no judgment.
What scares you more than anything else?
No!
Keep walking.
That I'm just, like, afraid all the time.
Afraid of what?
What's the big one?
That I don't have what it takes.
That you won't live up to expectations?
Yeah, it-it's that, but it's more.
It's like I'm not built for this life somehow.
I-I-I just like the places I go in my head so much better.
The escape.
What if you did have what it takes, Laila?
What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
I'd take a risk.
I-I would do something for myself for once.
Such as?
I don't know.
I...
I'd be brave enough!
Brave enough for what?
To just quit.
Quit what?
Enough.
Quit what, Laila?
No more questions.
You've been walking in a pattern.
No, I...
Mm-hmm.
Have I?
Come over here.
Now, try drawing the pattern you were walking.
I didn't even know I was doing it.
Well, just give it a try.
And just so you know, I wouldn't push you if I didn't think you had what it takes.
You know yourself better than you think, Laila.
And these questions, they only get harder to answer later in life.
I promise you if you get to the bottom of you now, it will be a gift.
I don't know if I'm doing this right.
This is stupid.
No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait.
Hmm.
You know who Jung is? "
Memories, Dreams, Reflections."
"Man and His Symbols."
Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
He wrote extensively about symbols as a visual product of the unconscious that can't always be grasped by the conscious mind right away.
But if we search for their meaning...
Do you see something in it, Laila?
What?
Um...
It doesn't really, uh...
but, uh...
it looks like the symbol of...
Pachamama.
A Mother Earth, sort of, for the Inca.
This spiral?
It moves inwards.
That's our inner journey that guides us.
I just don't wanna deal with it.
With what?
With any of it.
It's just too hard.
Laila, this is the good stuff.
Some would say it's the meaning of life.
Fucking Socrates.
It's doing the deep interrogation into who you are, and through that interrogation, sometimes with a lot of hurt and effort, trying to mold yourself into who you want to be.
You're the only one who knows that truth.
You're the only one who can do that work.
I just feel like it's too late.
Oh, Laila...
No, like, I'm already an adult, and...
I don't know anything about myself.
It just seems impossible.
It is not impossible.
It is for me.
Laila...
especially for you, nothing is impossible.
I feel like...
my entire self...
my entire life...
is a failure, and I...
and it's too late to change it.
So I might as well just, like, give up now.
It'd be easier if...
if I didn't keep on failing and letting everyone down.
Laila, you've been through a lot.
You internalized violence from your family, from the culture at large, and if I understand it, you never felt like you had any options.
Any say, any control.
And that's why you've been so desperate to escape.
Do I have that right?
Okay, and you've tried many times.
From the end of the block in Anaheim to the train in Seattle, and now South America, but every time you'd get away, someone seems to bring you back.
No escape you've attempted has been permanent.
So, you crash your expensive cars.
You sell your belongings.
You come in here, looking like a changed person, saying nothing matters.
Last week, you said if you didn't have the dream of Peru to cling to, you would rather die.
And now this week, Cara laughed at that dream.
She broke your heart.
So...
I need to ask you one more question because the moment this question occurs to me, I'm required by law to ask it.
Are you thinking about suicide?
Do you understand the question I'm asking you?
'Cause...
I'm gonna need you to answer me.
How fucking dare you.
I need you to answer.
You're no different than Grandma.
I'm here for you, Laila.
I know you know that.
No.
I was honest to Grandma about Cara, and she called me a lesbian and dropped me off here for you to deal with me.
And I come in here, baring my soul, being honest, like, truly honest with you.
And you come back calling me suicidal?
No, fuck that!
I didn't call you anything.
I asked...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Asked, told, like, you stay on your bullshit.
I would never fucking do that.
Never.
I-I'm out.
And you know what?
Grandma was right about one thing.
Therapy is just some white nonsense that invents problems that you didn't even fuckin' have to begin with.
Here's to giving up a drawer or two.
The girl is a whole mess of contradictions.
She wants to escape her grandmother, but she's terrified to be free.
She somehow wants more and nothing all at the same time.
That sounds a lot like someone I know.
Me?
What do you mean?
You go after what you want, and then...
come right back where you started.
And me?
You-you let me in, but...
you know, somehow I'm...
always a little bit on the outside.
All of your shit is literally here now.
I don't know how much more "inside" you can get.
You think that girl...
think she'll be okay?
I hope so.
Me, too.
No.
Mm.
Hello?
Oh, it's fine.
It's not too late.
I can't believe it.
Thank you.
That's really great.
Yes.
We can talk next week.
Thank you.
What's going on?
My lawyer.
He found him.
He found my son.
I'm getting rid of all of it.
I'm selling it.
Something important is here, Laila.
And I think it somehow ties to your constant desire to escape.
I just want like...
Cara and I to be comfortable living in Peru for a while.
You want to hightail it four-thousand miles to get away from your grandmother who you think is too controlling.
Yeah.
So what?
I have to tell you I'm concerned.
That I'm being reckless?
Impulsive?
That I'm giving everything up?
That I'm being immature?
Well, yeah.
Maybe I am.
Maybe that's just exactly what I fucking wanna be.
It's horrible, right?
Seven years old, playing in the backyard.
I mean, the Santa Anas happen all the time.
And this kid was just out in the grass, playing with a soccer ball, and, like, a tree limb just, like, broke.
Dropped him, out cold, boom.
Like, freak accident.
And so, the grandpa becomes an Uber driver to help with the medical bills.
Like, can you imagine?
Like, out of everything that's happened, COVID, the wildfires, it was just, like, like, the wind!
And the kid is, like, still in the ICU.
Laila...
It's just like everything is fine.
You're outside, the sun is shining, and out of nowhere, like, wham!
Nothing is the same!
Like, nothing!
What is it, Laila?
Tell me.
Whatever it is, saying it out loud is never as bad as...
It's just a sad story that the Uber driver told me!
Can't I just, like, be upset about it?!
It's difficult for me to not acknowledge the emotional response you had just now, but it seems like you want to move on.
Yeah.
You should.
Definitely move on.
Okay.
So, are you willing to take me to the end of...
Wait.
Why were you in an Uber?
What happened to your car?
I donated it.
You donated it.
Who did you donate it to?
To a women's shelter.
To a women's shelter.
God, is there, like, an echo in here?
I'm just trying to understand why you donated your custom Bentley to a women's shelter.
Because they're gonna get a lot of money for it.
Of course.
And some of the women just don't have anything except for the clothes on their backs.
They just wake up one morning and, like, go.
No plan, nothing.
Just...
ready.
Finally.
I agree it's a worthy cause, but...
maybe I need to pose the question differently.
Instead of why, maybe why now?
Because what does it matter?
I told you last week that things are...
pretty much meaningless.
I'm figuring out that they're only worth whatever they're worth to you.
What do you mean?
Well...
I bet that you'd pay more for this house than I would.
Well, the real estate market determines the value of this house, Laila, not me.
Bullshit.
Your dad designed this house.
He's everywhere in it.
He's, like, in the walls and shit, and that translates to...
Huh.
Why do you even do this?
This work?
Like, sit and listen to people's problems all day long.
Like, blah blah blah blah, it's so boring.
Well, there are a lot of reasons, but mostly, it reminds me I'm not the only one with problems.
So you really actually believe in it?
I do.
I believe the more you know yourself, the more secure you feel and...
with that security comes freedom.
And do you know yourself?
For a long time, I thought I did.
Luckily, in my profession, there's always more to know.
What do you believe, Laila?
What kind of question is that?
What matters to you?
Um...
Do you believe in God?
I'm betting no.
Would my answer change how you feel on the subject?
Hm.
Look who's deflecting now.
If I'm being truthful...
I've struggled with having faith.
I wanted it.
Wanted it desperately, but it's always just...
over there.
Just out of reach.
That's funny.
What's funny about it?
No, I mean, like...
I get that out-of-reach feeling, too.
But, in a weird way...
that is God to me.
Sometimes, I go to the overlook at night by myself to be there alone.
And...
and just look at all the lights across the city, the streetlights, house lights, lights of the cars on the 405, and, in a way, I feel like I've already hurled myself off of the overlook, except I'm not falling.
I'm floating.
And everything is so far away.
Nothing can touch me.
It's so intensely beautiful that I almost get too excited.
Like, I can hear my heart beating in my ears, and I can feel it in my fingertips.
It's both the feeling of being really high and deep underwater at the same time.
Do you know what I mean?
And that's God?
It's...
Ascension.
From the Latin ascendere, to climb.
To rise to a higher, more powerful position.
And is that the draw to the mountains?
To Machu Picchu?
And then I come back down that hill, and here the fuck I am.
Well, until you get to Peru, right?
Can you just, like, stop talking about Peru?
I don't think we've spoken about it at all today.
No, not just today, but last week, too!
You just kept on going on and on about how it was gonna ruin my life.
I don't think I said that, Laila.
Yes, you did.
You talked about it so much that I couldn't stop thinking about it.
You said it might not happen the way I had planned it, and...
I don't know, it was scary to think about.
I'm sure it was.
You're brave to think about it though...
Don't call me brave!
I'm not brave!
I'm a fucking idiot, Dr.
Taylor.
Like, she laughed at me.
Laughed at me.
Who did?
All of our stories about renting a flat in London, or, or buying a yacht and sailing around the world, or, like, what it would be like to live on Mars or in Ancient Egypt.
Cara thought Peru was just that, like a story.
Like something that we were just making up.
Laila...
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you fucking should be!
Because if you didn't get it into my head that it wouldn't have happened the way I'd planned it, I wouldn't have asked Cara about Peru in the first place!
It was the wrong time!
Wrong time how?
Because...
Because it would've become real to her eventually.
You pretend till it's real.
Like "fake it till you make it."
I mean, it's gonna go on Jamal's fucking gravestone.
And what if you didn't do that?
What if you just stopped pretending?
And do what?
Just be.
Be here.
Be you.
You're out of your fucking mind.
Excuse me?
Be me?
Who the fuck is that?
My grandma has controlled my life since I was, like, three years old.
Like, do I even like pink?
My room is pink, but I didn't decorate my room.
My grandmother did.
I have pink bags and pink shoes and...
and pink hair sometimes, and is that because I actually like pink or is that just because that's what she told me I liked, and I've just never, like...
Laila, do you like pink?
That's not the point!
It's not about pink!
It's everything!
Like, I've had scrambled eggs for breakfast ever since I could remember, and is that because I actually like them, or is that just because that's the only thing that grandma likes to cook?
Laila, do you like scrambled eggs?
No, I don't fucking know!
I don't know!
Fuck!
Look, I just can't do this, Dr.
Taylor.
I just can't, like, sit down and, like, shoot the shit.
Okay, so don't!
Walk around.
Walk around the living room, if that's what you need to do.
It's just so embarrassing, you know?
What is?
That I'm 18 fucking years old, like, I can drive, I can vote, but I don't even know how I like my fucking eggs!
Well then, fuck the eggs!
I like cereal for breakfast anyway.
What kind of cereal do you like?
I...
I don't know.
I like Raisin Bran.
Raisin Bran is, like, for old people.
Maybe, and I like it.
What kind of cereal do you like?
No, don't think so hard.
Just answer impulsively.
What's your favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
Mm-hmm.
But, like, I'm not allowed to have them because there's too much sugar.
Favorite cheese.
What?
I like Camembert if it's on a cheese plate.
If I'm having a sandwich, I like provolone.
What kind of cheese do you like?
Um, white American.
Not regular American?
Like Kraft Singles?
No.
Ew.
Who's better, Beyoncé or Solange?
That's like apples and oranges.
Fine.
Apples or oranges?
Oranges.
And Solange.
What's your best quality?
No fucking way.
Who knows that about themselves?
Don't think.
Best quality.
Um, I'm mystical.
But not like magic powers or anything.
It's more like mystifying or unclear.
And that's a bad thing?
Does it sound like a good thing?
Good.
New rule.
No thinking, no judgment.
What scares you more than anything else?
No!
Keep walking.
That I'm just, like, afraid all the time.
Afraid of what?
What's the big one?
That I don't have what it takes.
That you won't live up to expectations?
Yeah, it-it's that, but it's more.
It's like I'm not built for this life somehow.
I-I-I just like the places I go in my head so much better.
The escape.
What if you did have what it takes, Laila?
What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
I'd take a risk.
I-I would do something for myself for once.
Such as?
I don't know.
I...
I'd be brave enough!
Brave enough for what?
To just quit.
Quit what?
Enough.
Quit what, Laila?
No more questions.
You've been walking in a pattern.
No, I...
Mm-hmm.
Have I?
Come over here.
Now, try drawing the pattern you were walking.
I didn't even know I was doing it.
Well, just give it a try.
And just so you know, I wouldn't push you if I didn't think you had what it takes.
You know yourself better than you think, Laila.
And these questions, they only get harder to answer later in life.
I promise you if you get to the bottom of you now, it will be a gift.
I don't know if I'm doing this right.
This is stupid.
No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait.
Hmm.
You know who Jung is? "
Memories, Dreams, Reflections."
"Man and His Symbols."
Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
He wrote extensively about symbols as a visual product of the unconscious that can't always be grasped by the conscious mind right away.
But if we search for their meaning...
Do you see something in it, Laila?
What?
Um...
It doesn't really, uh...
but, uh...
it looks like the symbol of...
Pachamama.
A Mother Earth, sort of, for the Inca.
This spiral?
It moves inwards.
That's our inner journey that guides us.
I just don't wanna deal with it.
With what?
With any of it.
It's just too hard.
Laila, this is the good stuff.
Some would say it's the meaning of life.
Fucking Socrates.
It's doing the deep interrogation into who you are, and through that interrogation, sometimes with a lot of hurt and effort, trying to mold yourself into who you want to be.
You're the only one who knows that truth.
You're the only one who can do that work.
I just feel like it's too late.
Oh, Laila...
No, like, I'm already an adult, and...
I don't know anything about myself.
It just seems impossible.
It is not impossible.
It is for me.
Laila...
especially for you, nothing is impossible.
I feel like...
my entire self...
my entire life...
is a failure, and I...
and it's too late to change it.
So I might as well just, like, give up now.
It'd be easier if...
if I didn't keep on failing and letting everyone down.
Laila, you've been through a lot.
You internalized violence from your family, from the culture at large, and if I understand it, you never felt like you had any options.
Any say, any control.
And that's why you've been so desperate to escape.
Do I have that right?
Okay, and you've tried many times.
From the end of the block in Anaheim to the train in Seattle, and now South America, but every time you'd get away, someone seems to bring you back.
No escape you've attempted has been permanent.
So, you crash your expensive cars.
You sell your belongings.
You come in here, looking like a changed person, saying nothing matters.
Last week, you said if you didn't have the dream of Peru to cling to, you would rather die.
And now this week, Cara laughed at that dream.
She broke your heart.
So...
I need to ask you one more question because the moment this question occurs to me, I'm required by law to ask it.
Are you thinking about suicide?
Do you understand the question I'm asking you?
'Cause...
I'm gonna need you to answer me.
How fucking dare you.
I need you to answer.
You're no different than Grandma.
I'm here for you, Laila.
I know you know that.
No.
I was honest to Grandma about Cara, and she called me a lesbian and dropped me off here for you to deal with me.
And I come in here, baring my soul, being honest, like, truly honest with you.
And you come back calling me suicidal?
No, fuck that!
I didn't call you anything.
I asked...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Asked, told, like, you stay on your bullshit.
I would never fucking do that.
Never.
I-I'm out.
And you know what?
Grandma was right about one thing.
Therapy is just some white nonsense that invents problems that you didn't even fuckin' have to begin with.
Here's to giving up a drawer or two.
The girl is a whole mess of contradictions.
She wants to escape her grandmother, but she's terrified to be free.
She somehow wants more and nothing all at the same time.
That sounds a lot like someone I know.
Me?
What do you mean?
You go after what you want, and then...
come right back where you started.
And me?
You-you let me in, but...
you know, somehow I'm...
always a little bit on the outside.
All of your shit is literally here now.
I don't know how much more "inside" you can get.
You think that girl...
think she'll be okay?
I hope so.
Me, too.
No.
Mm.
Hello?
Oh, it's fine.
It's not too late.
I can't believe it.
Thank you.
That's really great.
Yes.
We can talk next week.
Thank you.
What's going on?
My lawyer.
He found him.
He found my son.