Show: How I Met Your Mother - 3x8

the early bloom of romantics is a wonderful thing. 2 00:00:04,330 --> 00:00:07,900 you meet someone, you have a connection, and that person 3 00:00:07,970 --> 00:00:09,900 becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. 4 00:00:09,970 --> 00:00:12,570 you just can't find anything wrong with them. 5 00:00:12,630 --> 00:00:14,830 you can't wait to tell the world about it. 6 00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,300 she convinced you to go jogging? 7 00:00:16,370 --> 00:00:19,200 wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants. 8 00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:21,130 i'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her. 9 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:22,530 lily, she knows all about art. 10 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:23,830 marshall, 11 00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:25,270 she's open to the existence of ufos. 12 00:00:25,330 --> 00:00:26,570 barney, 13 00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:27,800 she's hot. robin, 14 00:00:27,870 --> 00:00:29,270 she's not hotter than you. 15 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:32,730 -like her already. -how not hotter? 16 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,000 so we all went out to dinner, and i couldn't wait 17 00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:37,770 to see if my friends were as crazy about cathy as i was. 18 00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:39,430 so, what's everyone getting? 19 00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,570 well, i can't decide. 20 00:00:41,630 --> 00:00:43,700 which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 21 00:00:43,770 --> 00:00:46,830 lasagna. just get the lasagna! 22 00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:49,530 oh. you guys just got a new place. 23 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,130 how many bedrooms is it? 24 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,370 two. it's two bedrooms! 25 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,670 okay! let's hear it. 26 00:00:58,730 --> 00:00:59,970 what's wrong with cathy? 27 00:01:00,030 --> 00:01:02,770 are you kidding me, ted? she's got a... 28 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,570 you n't notice it? 29 00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:05,470 notice what? 30 00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:07,130 oh, he doesn't see it. 31 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,800 if we point it out, we're gonna ruin her for him. 32 00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:10,900 as his friends, 33 00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:12,970 we'll just keep him in the dark. 34 00:01:13,030 --> 00:01:13,830 you're right. 35 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:15,800 she's great, man. 36 00:01:16,670 --> 00:01:18,230 she's a keeper. just... 37 00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:19,000 keep her somewhere else. 38 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,800 marshall, what is everyone's problem with cathy? 39 00:01:37,870 --> 00:01:39,170 oh, she's a total nightmare, ted, 40 00:01:39,230 --> 00:01:40,270 but can we talk about this later? 41 00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:41,730 i'm a minute away 42 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,670 from finding out if i'm gonna be a lawyer or not. 43 00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:45,070 you see, kids, during the summer, 44 00:01:45,130 --> 00:01:47,000 marshall had taken the new york bar exam. 45 00:01:47,070 --> 00:01:50,070 his years of school, his countless hours of study, 46 00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:53,030 had finally culminated in this grueling, two-day ordeal. 47 00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,300 and... begin. 48 00:01:58,330 --> 00:02:00,100 the pressure of it was enormous. 49 00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:03,100 every year, people taking the bar simply cracked. 50 00:02:03,170 --> 00:02:05,570 no! no! 51 00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:06,730 no! 52 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:10,830 no! 53 00:02:12,130 --> 00:02:13,300 but marshall had made it through. 54 00:02:13,370 --> 00:02:14,300 and... 55 00:02:14,370 --> 00:02:15,630 time. 56 00:02:22,570 --> 00:02:24,200 time's up. 57 00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:25,300 right. 58 00:02:25,370 --> 00:02:26,130 time. 59 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,200 -sir. -i know. 60 00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:29,970 -your time is... -i know it is. 61 00:02:30,030 --> 00:02:31,030 give me...! 62 00:02:33,130 --> 00:02:36,270 now, months later, the results of that exam were scheduled 63 00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:38,330 the post online at 10 o'clock 64 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,700 and this is 9:59. 65 00:02:39,770 --> 00:02:41,230 damn, they're not up yet. 66 00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:43,800 oh, don't worry, baby. i'm sure you rocked it. 67 00:02:43,870 --> 00:02:45,800 i mean, how many people fail the bar? 68 00:02:45,870 --> 00:02:46,670 half. 69 00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:48,030 oh, my god, half? 70 00:02:48,030 --> 00:02:50,170 only half the people pass? 71 00:02:50,230 --> 00:02:51,430 i mean, half the people pass. 72 00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:52,430 that's fantastic. 73 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:53,530 go, marshall. 74 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,130 oh, hey, can i jump on there? 75 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,230 i want to show you something awesome. what? 76 00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,230 no. bar results. my future. 77 00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:00,800 trust me. you need to see this. 78 00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:03,300 what is so important that i need to see it right now? 79 00:03:03,370 --> 00:03:07,000 it's a video of a dog pooping on a baby. 80 00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:10,730 how do i need to see that? 81 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,570 why would i want to see that? 82 00:03:12,630 --> 00:03:17,200 in what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain 83 00:03:17,270 --> 00:03:19,230 to something that disgusting enrich my life? 84 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:23,730 it's a dog pooping on a baby. 85 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,200 get away from my computer. 86 00:03:25,270 --> 00:03:28,770 okay, just do a quick google search for "caca spaniel." 87 00:03:28,830 --> 00:03:29,770 the results are in. 88 00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:31,430 whoo. what's it say? 89 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,330 "input password." 90 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,300 input the password. 91 00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:37,430 it's okay. they assigned it to me when i took the test. 92 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:39,430 it's gotta be around here somewhere. 93 00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:41,470 here. here-here-here. 94 00:03:41,530 --> 00:03:43,600 jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snaps... 95 00:03:43,670 --> 00:03:45,370 this is a grocery list. 96 00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:47,230 for who? a witch building a house in the forest? 97 00:03:47,230 --> 00:03:48,630 98 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:50,570 sugar helps me study. 99 00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:53,130 this is like the shopping a ten-year-old does 100 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,070 when his parents leave him alone for the weekend. 101 00:03:55,130 --> 00:03:57,730 what parent leaves a ten- year-old alone for the weekend? 102 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,030 and your mom was perfect. 103 00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:02,270 i can't find my password! okay, just... 104 00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,170 can't you let 'em know that you lost it 105 00:04:04,230 --> 00:04:05,770 and they'll e-mail it to you or something? 106 00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:07,530 no! they won't let me do that. 107 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,500 i'm gonna have to wait till the results come in the regular mail. 108 00:04:10,570 --> 00:04:11,930 that could be weeks from now, if ever! 109 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,900 our mail carrier hates me ever since i asked her 110 00:04:13,970 --> 00:04:14,930 when the baby was due. 111 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,170 she wasn't pregnant? 112 00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:17,830 no, he was not. 113 00:04:17,900 --> 00:04:19,700 ooh. okey, well, that's a drag, 114 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:20,970 but the results will come eventually. 115 00:04:21,030 --> 00:04:23,000 just try to keep it off your mind until then. 116 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,570 hey, brad. 117 00:04:27,630 --> 00:04:29,900 oh, congratulations, man. 118 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,770 i'm, uh... i'm not sure yet. 119 00:04:32,830 --> 00:04:35,100 i lost my password. 120 00:04:35,170 --> 00:04:37,430 that's great, cara. 121 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:39,870 i don't know yet. i lost my password. 122 00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:42,230 i don't know how i lost it! 123 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:43,500 this staff happens! 124 00:04:43,570 --> 00:04:46,900 oh. ohh! you're one to talk. 125 00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:49,930 you misplace stuff all the time. 126 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,570 i'm sorry. 127 00:04:51,630 --> 00:04:54,670 i'm sure the nurses are stealing your medicine, grandma. 128 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,300 love you too. 129 00:04:57,370 --> 00:05:00,030 if i have to wait six weeks to find out if i passed, 130 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,830 i-'m gonna have a heart attack. 131 00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:05,630 based on that grocery list, i'd say diabetes is a bigger worry. 132 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,230 you know what? laugh all you want. 133 00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:09,030 this affects my whole future, all right? 134 00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:11,470 okay. 135 00:05:11,530 --> 00:05:12,800 i probably shouldn't be telling you this. 136 00:05:12,870 --> 00:05:14,230 i definitely shouldn't be telling you this, 137 00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:16,670 but there is a way i can help you with your problem. 138 00:05:16,730 --> 00:05:18,100 how? 139 00:05:19,270 --> 00:05:20,870 i know a guy at work 140 00:05:20,930 --> 00:05:24,700 he can get access to software designed to penetrate firewalls 141 00:05:24,770 --> 00:05:26,870 and retrieve passwords through secure servers. 142 00:05:26,930 --> 00:05:28,870 i can get into any computer. 143 00:05:28,930 --> 00:05:31,600 so what do we do? like, arrange a secret meeting 144 00:05:31,670 --> 00:05:33,230 in a darkened parking structure? 145 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,600 no. 146 00:05:34,670 --> 00:05:35,230 can we? 147 00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,200 no 148 00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,170 i have a trench coat. 149 00:05:37,230 --> 00:05:38,300 dude, be cool. 150 00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:44,500 so, i just got off the phone with cathy. 151 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,000 god, you guys are so right. 152 00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:47,660 i totally hear it now. 153 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:49,700 see it now? 154 00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:51,630 smell it? 155 00:05:52,930 --> 00:05:53,930 what is it?! 156 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,330 i left the table for two minutes. 157 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:56,700 what could she have possibly done 158 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,660 in that time that was so horrible? was it... 159 00:05:58,730 --> 00:06:00,300 i'll be back in one second. 160 00:06:01,930 --> 00:06:05,160 one time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, i told everyone 161 00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:08,760 that my english teacher had sex with me. 162 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,860 he's still in jail. 163 00:06:12,730 --> 00:06:13,760 or maybe... 164 00:06:13,830 --> 00:06:15,600 i'll be back in a second. 165 00:06:17,130 --> 00:06:19,160 so i volunte at the pound. 166 00:06:19,230 --> 00:06:21,000 oh, isn't that nice? 167 00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,860 yeah. you can't imagine the rush 168 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,600 you getrush you get from killing a unwanted dog 169 00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,530 i make bracelets from out of the collars.puppy 170 00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:31,660 or... 171 00:06:31,730 --> 00:06:33,160 ||i'll be back in one second. 172 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,530 i bet he's going to the urinal. 173 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:39,960 yeah. 174 00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:41,700 i remember when i had a penis. 175 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,960 it wasn't anything she did while you were in the bathroom. 176 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,800 it's just the way she is. 177 00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:49,730 i don't get it. 178 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,200 if it's so obvious and you guys all see it, 179 00:06:51,260 --> 00:06:52,900 how come i don't? 180 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,600 cause we're not trying to have sex with her. 181 00:06:54,660 --> 00:06:56,100 mmm. brother, 182 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,000 you're driving the "i want to have sex with her" truck, 183 00:06:58,060 --> 00:07:00,030 and it's got a huge blind spot. 184 00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:02,000 that's ridiculous. 185 00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:03,760 is it really? 186 00:07:03,830 --> 00:07:05,900 ted, let me tell you a little story 187 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,130 about a young lady i wanted to have sex with-- lucilia. 188 00:07:10,460 --> 00:07:13,030 on a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, 189 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,960 we made love for ten straight hours. 190 00:07:17,030 --> 00:07:18,260 when we were done, 191 00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:19,900 she applauded 192 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,900 and told me i was far, far better 193 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,930 than the best lover she could possibly imagine, 194 00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:30,530 and that i had restored her faith in god. 195 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,400 what does this have to do with cathy? 196 00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:35,130 who's cathy? 197 00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:37,600 just tell me what the hell 198 00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:39,000 is wrong with her already. 199 00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:41,260 okay. you want to know? 200 00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:42,260 yes. 201 00:07:42,330 --> 00:07:43,660 you want to shatter 202 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,430 this beautiful illusion you've created for yourself? 203 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,200 fine. here it is. 204 00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:52,430 cathy talks... a lot. 205 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,560 oh, come on. 206 00:07:55,630 --> 00:07:56,830 that's not true. 207 00:07:56,900 --> 00:08:00,300 ted. really, really think about that dinner 208 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,530 we all just had together. 209 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,000 and i did. 210 00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:04,930 so, what's everyone getting? 211 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,060 well, i can't decide. 212 00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:09,200 which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 213 00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:10,260 i like chicken. 214 00:08:10,330 --> 00:08:11,660 i like lasagna. i like them both, 215 00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:12,830 but i really like pork 216 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:13,930 a lot of people don't 217 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,130 eat pork, and maybe it's because 218 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,360 of that movie babe or something. 219 00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:17,460 but that was funny. 220 00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:18,500 he was a talking pig 221 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,600 and he was like "bah, ram, ewe!" 222 00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:20,730 what-what if 223 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,230 there was a sorority, "bah, ram, ewe?" 224 00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:23,360 i'd totally rush it. 225 00:08:23,430 --> 00:08:26,300 ...and so i named him dr. seuss! 226 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,960 lorax is a funny word. 227 00:08:28,030 --> 00:08:30,560 lasagna! just get the lasagna! 228 00:08:30,630 --> 00:08:33,330 oh, you guys just got a new place. 229 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:34,800 how many bedrooms is it? 230 00:08:34,860 --> 00:08:35,830 i would love 231 00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,130 to have an extra bedroom, 232 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,430 because i would put a stairmaster in there. 233 00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,230 i'll be back in one second. 234 00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:41,600 or a futon. futons are great. 235 00:08:41,660 --> 00:08:42,700 or what about one of those 236 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:43,660 murphy beds? 237 00:08:43,730 --> 00:08:44,600 who invented the murphy bed? 238 00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:45,530 was it a guy named murphy? 239 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,000 oh, my god. 240 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,360 do you guys remember thatshow murphy brown? 241 00:08:48,430 --> 00:08:49,730 that was a funny show. 242 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,530 she had a new assistant every episode. 243 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,000 ...and it was like half an hour 244 00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:55,130 before i realized he wasn't even on the phone anymore! 245 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,200 isn't that hysterical? 246 00:08:57,260 --> 00:08:59,130 two! it's two bedrooms! 247 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,330 hey, do you guys like cannolis? 248 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,230 because i know this place and it's in the south bronx 249 00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:05,400 and you wouldn't expect it, 250 00:09:05,460 --> 00:09:07,400 but they have the best cannolis in town. 251 00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:11,060 and just like that, the illusion was shattered. 252 00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:15,730 she just never shuts up, does she? 253 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,230 she didn't stop 254 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:18,900 to swallow her food. 255 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,030 i was scared for her. 256 00:09:20,130 --> 00:09:21,800 i didn't want her to choke. 257 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,300 at first 258 00:09:27,530 --> 00:09:30,030 so kids,the girl i was dating would not stop talking. 259 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,100 can you imagine how awful that is? 260 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,030 somebody got stay me here because the thing i am going out has so much. 261 00:09:37,030 --> 00:09:38,630 do you own a work? 262 00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:41,030 cause that's really how... 263 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:43,700 don't you just love autumn? 264 00:09:43,770 --> 00:09:45,270 today i'm dressed for. 265 00:09:45,330 --> 00:09:47,870 oh, my god. the sweetest thing. 266 00:09:47,930 --> 00:09:50,600 and i know this great place where we can go. 267 00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:52,400 they have guys and girls clothes. 268 00:09:52,470 --> 00:09:54,070 we could both shop at the same time. 269 00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:56,070 and a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends... 270 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:58,730 why are you running so fast? 271 00:09:59,730 --> 00:10:02,370 well, thank you, pal. 272 00:10:02,430 --> 00:10:04,100 you and your little friends, 273 00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,400 you just had to tell me. 274 00:10:05,470 --> 00:10:07,670 you just to give in to my incessant begging. 275 00:10:07,730 --> 00:10:09,100 you said that you wanted to know. 276 00:10:09,170 --> 00:10:10,900 i didn't want to know! 277 00:10:10,970 --> 00:10:12,630 you said you wanted to know! 278 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,900 well, i didn't know i didn't want to know! 279 00:10:14,970 --> 00:10:16,930 you knew. and you know me. 280 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,500 and you should have known i didn't want to know! 281 00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,470 you know? 282 00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:23,270 i'm sorry we told you. 283 00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,470 i'm surprised she didn't tell you herself at some point. 284 00:10:25,530 --> 00:10:27,000 there's only a finite combination of words 285 00:10:27,070 --> 00:10:28,570 in the english language. 286 00:10:28,630 --> 00:10:30,870 well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer. 287 00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:31,770 she's got all these 288 00:10:31,830 --> 00:10:33,330 other great qualities. 289 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,200 she's smart. she's caring. she loves animals... 290 00:10:35,270 --> 00:10:37,030 you know how to teach her a lesson? 291 00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:38,100 buy her a parrot. 292 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,330 oh, come on. i'm sorry that we told you, okay? 293 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,370 it's part of being in a relationship. 294 00:10:44,430 --> 00:10:46,770 eventually, you get used to these annoying little things 295 00:10:46,830 --> 00:10:48,030 that bug you at first. 296 00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:49,830 yeah, i guess. 297 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:52,230 i mean, you got used to lily's loud chewing, right? 298 00:10:54,370 --> 00:10:56,030 lily doesn't chew loudly. 299 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,100 dude... 300 00:10:58,170 --> 00:11:00,270 come on. this isn't news. 301 00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:02,000 Why do you think I call her "Chewbacca"? 302 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,000 303 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,130 i assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts 304 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,470 and i resemble a young harrison ford. 305 00:11:07,530 --> 00:11:09,570 think about it. 306 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,530 oh, man, honestly, dude, that's the meanest thing 307 00:11:40,630 --> 00:11:41,700 you've ever done to me. 308 00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:43,570 i really thought you knew. 309 00:11:43,630 --> 00:11:46,230 we had ribs the other night. it sounded like jurassic park. 310 00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:48,470 ha-ha-ha. you know what? 311 00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:49,900 it doesn't matter. 312 00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:50,970 but it did. 313 00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:13,330 say, what's in that cereal 314 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,730 besides dry twigs and small animal bones? 315 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,600 what's that supposed to mean? 316 00:12:18,670 --> 00:12:21,700 lily, i love you, but honest to god, 317 00:12:21,770 --> 00:12:24,000 when you eat, it sounds like a garbage disposal 318 00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:25,170 full of drywall screws. 319 00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:27,800 what's the matter with you? 320 00:12:27,870 --> 00:12:30,070 we've been together ten years, and you're saying this now? 321 00:12:30,130 --> 00:12:34,000 well, i never noticed it before until... 322 00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,370 until what? 323 00:12:35,430 --> 00:12:36,830 can you believe ted? 324 00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:39,870 what a lame thing to say, that i'm a loud chewer. 325 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,430 yeah, that's crazy. 326 00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:48,730 maybe enough with the pretzels. 327 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,930 oh, my god, do i really chew that loudly? 328 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,630 no, no, no. 329 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,430 okay, now that you pointed it out, 330 00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:01,400 maybe it does sound slightly like someone put 331 00:13:01,470 --> 00:13:03,830 a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener, 332 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:05,070 but in a cute way. 333 00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:07,970 this is all ted's fault. 334 00:13:08,030 --> 00:13:10,700 oh, like he's so perfect, mr. corrector. 335 00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:12,000 what do you mean? 336 00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:14,200 oh, come on. you dated the guy for a year 337 00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,770 and you never noticed that most of what ted says 338 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:17,970 is correcting you. 339 00:13:20,130 --> 00:13:21,270 hey, can you hand me a kleenex? 340 00:13:21,330 --> 00:13:24,400 actually, kleenex is a brand. 341 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,000 this is a facial tissue. 342 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,400 oh, my god, is frankenstein gonna kill that little girl? 343 00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:32,930 uh, dr. frankenstein isn't in this scene. 344 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,530 that's frankenstein's monster. 345 00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:40,800 that literally blew my mind. 346 00:13:40,870 --> 00:13:42,400 figuratively. 347 00:13:45,230 --> 00:13:47,100 oh, my god, you're right. 348 00:13:47,170 --> 00:13:49,400 that is so annoying. 349 00:13:49,470 --> 00:13:51,000 isn't it? 350 00:13:51,070 --> 00:13:54,130 where are those pretzels from, ace hardware? 351 00:14:01,370 --> 00:14:02,430 hey, man, 352 00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:03,800 you like kettle corn? 353 00:14:03,870 --> 00:14:04,770 i'm trying to get rid of anything crunchy. 354 00:14:04,830 --> 00:14:06,170 are the blinds closed? 355 00:14:06,230 --> 00:14:07,370 i don't know. 356 00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:09,030 are the blinds closed?! 357 00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:13,470 good, i didn't think yes, the blindsi was followed,| 358 00:14:13,530 --> 00:14:14,730 but you can never be too sure. 359 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:15,800 now double-lock the door 360 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,400 and stay away from the windows. 361 00:14:17,470 --> 00:14:20,670 is there a reason that you're acting like this? 362 00:14:20,730 --> 00:14:23,030 we're about to find out if you're a lawyer. 363 00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:25,470 now, in good conscience, i have to inform you 364 00:14:25,530 --> 00:14:26,630 that using his software 365 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,330 is in violation of the patriot act, 366 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,730 the strategic defense initiative, 367 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,670 and the national security act of 1948, which created to cia. 368 00:14:34,730 --> 00:14:37,370 so i hope you passed the bar because 369 00:14:37,430 --> 00:14:41,230 if we use this software, the night janitor gligor 370 00:14:41,230 --> 00:14:43,430 who i fooled into putting fingerprints on my computer, 371 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:46,000 is going to need a good lawyer. 372 00:14:46,070 --> 00:14:47,430 are you certain you want to go through with this? 373 00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:51,330 i have to know, yes, yes. 374 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,770 very good. 375 00:14:53,830 --> 00:14:56,370 first, we go to the new york state bar web site. 376 00:14:56,430 --> 00:14:59,630 we disable the firewall, then the recursive algorithm 377 00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:03,470 grabs your pasord, and as the application erases itself 378 00:15:03,530 --> 00:15:06,730 leaving no trace we we here ever... 379 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,430 you ready to see your future, bro? 380 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:10,770 yes. 381 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,700 it's a dog pooping on a baby. 382 00:15:21,770 --> 00:15:24,230 right! isn't that awesome? 383 00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:25,630 so you went through all this just to get me 384 00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:26,800 to look at your stupid video? 385 00:15:26,870 --> 00:15:28,200 yeah, it was worth it. 386 00:15:28,270 --> 00:15:30,770 barney, barney, that was the biggest test of my life. 387 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,530 i'm incredibly stressed out right now, and i... 388 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,170 okay, that's pretty funny. 389 00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,500 you got to see this. 390 00:15:39,570 --> 00:15:44,530 uh-huh, yeah, i have to... 391 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,500 she'll call back when she realizes i'm gone. 392 00:15:47,570 --> 00:15:49,500 probably in about 45 minutes. 393 00:15:52,730 --> 00:15:53,800 you guys want a drink? 394 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,370 i'll just have a water. 395 00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:57,200 mm, technically, water is a drink. 396 00:15:58,270 --> 00:15:59,630 really, professor? 397 00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,370 you drink it? is that how water works? 398 00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:03,330 because i was just gonna smear it on my skin 399 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,600 and hope that i absorbed it. 400 00:16:05,870 --> 00:16:08,170 or you could, you know, pour it over your shirt. 401 00:16:08,230 --> 00:16:09,630 what's with you? 402 00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,230 you're always correcting people. 403 00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,700 -you totally do that! -that's absolutely right. 404 00:16:14,770 --> 00:16:16,500 right? i never noticed it before, 405 00:16:16,570 --> 00:16:18,300 and now it's literally driving me crazy. 406 00:16:18,370 --> 00:16:19,970 figuratively. 407 00:16:20,030 --> 00:16:22,030 okay, maybe so, but it's no worse 408 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,000 than you using the word "literally" 409 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,200 in every other sentence. 410 00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:28,770 don't they teach vocabulary in canada? 411 00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:32,100 they literally don't. they literally don't. 412 00:16:32,170 --> 00:16:33,330 shut up, marshall. 413 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,670 that's nothing compared 414 00:16:34,730 --> 00:16:36,670 to your thing of singing what you do all the time. 415 00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:38,170 what? 416 00:16:38,370 --> 00:16:42,270 Paying my bills using return address labels 417 00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:46,370 From a charity that I haven't given money to 418 00:16:48,570 --> 00:16:53,370 Writing a check cause now I feel guilty 419 00:16:53,810 --> 00:16:56,910 The Salivation Army does not fight fair. 420 00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:03,400 Heading down to the basement today 421 00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:05,700 With my laundry and a roll of quarters 422 00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,000 But I'm back too soon 423 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,000 Cause I left the detergent 424 00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:14,400 And the fabric softener 425 00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,870 wow. those lines are so sloppy. 426 00:17:19,870 --> 00:17:20,830 oh, come on! 427 00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:23,170 what about you, "barney"? 428 00:17:23,230 --> 00:17:25,900 okay, you... 429 00:17:26,770 --> 00:17:27,670 always... 430 00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:28,870 interesting, interesting, 431 00:17:28,930 --> 00:17:30,730 everyone has annoying habits but me. 432 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,430 oh, got it. 433 00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:38,430 okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice. 434 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:43,870 and you're constantly using lame catchphrases. 435 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,100 and sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention 436 00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:48,470 to what we're talking about. 437 00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:52,300 i'm sorry. what? 438 00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:53,400 oh, see? 439 00:17:53,470 --> 00:17:54,830 you can't think of anything 440 00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:56,930 cause i am aewsome 441 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,570 all three right the. 442 00:17:58,630 --> 00:18:00,330 well, technically, "awesome" wouldn't be a catchphrase. 443 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,800 if anything, it's more of a catchword. 444 00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:04,370 i literally want to rip your head off. 445 00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:06,570 you mean "figuratively"! 446 00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:09,430 no, i literally mean "literally." 447 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,870 literally, literally literally. 448 00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:15,570 oh, my god, lily, what are you eating, gravel? 449 00:18:15,630 --> 00:18:16,900 oh, i know, right? 450 00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,730 it sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner. 451 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,600 well, why don't you sing about it? 452 00:18:20,670 --> 00:18:23,300 because i don't sing about everything i do. 453 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:26,600 no, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense sentences 454 00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:27,730 like a stroke victim, 455 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,100 and what's worse, 456 00:18:29,170 --> 00:18:30,570 they're catchy. 457 00:18:30,670 --> 00:18:33,070 Apple,orchard,banana, cat dance, 458 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,570 459 00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,130 see? we know that one because once you sang that 460 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,130 for, like, three hours. what the hell is that? 461 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,600 that's my password. 462 00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:46,400 AOBCD8663 AOBCD8663. 463 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,130 -oh, marshall! -awesome! 464 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,800 there's another one. 465 00:18:54,870 --> 00:18:56,930 it's called "golden reliever," where this dog... yeah, 466 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,270 -we can guess. -all right, guys, 467 00:18:58,330 --> 00:18:59,970 guys, guys. 468 00:19:03,430 --> 00:19:05,370 i'm a lawyer. 469 00:19:07,7