Show: How I Met Your Mother - 3x12
but by 2008 we'd all had enough.
Well, most of us.
To barney stone.
-Look it's the ridler.
-That's not the ridler.
That's gumby.
Can we tie you in a knot later.
Hey nba player sidelined by a knee injury.
all right,laugh all you want but This is my lucky st.
patty's day suit.
I have dry cleaned many a Stain off this baby.
You know why it's lucky Because it's green.
The color of go as in let's.
Barney we talked this Over and we're not doing st.
Patrick's day this year.
Come on.let's...
Are you -- wow, okay.
I think I got to lie down.
Can we shoot pool on you?
No, no!
Unacceptable.
That's so not raven.
What are you going to do instead.
We just got the keys to Our new apartment so we're Going to hang that painting have board game night.
You're welcome to join us, if you want.
Board game night?
Board game night!
Come on!
Let's drink green beer.
Let's do green jello shots Where is your st.
patrick's Day spirits We're drinking green tea.
With caffeine.
sorry,we're grown ups now, We can't fly up to neverland with you anymore All right, fine, You know what,I'll celebrate st.
patrick's Day by myself.
I don't need you people.
You make me physically ill!
He did look a little green.
Hello?
Hey.
happy st.
patty's day.
How are you?
I've been talking to you forever -Who is it?
-it's ted's butt.
Damn it!My phone keeps pocket dialing.
That's like 8th times today.
In fairness I did call Ted's butt about 2:00 this afternoon.
Just long enough to call you back.
Barney?
Where are you.
In a cab, heading downtown with our hot and Sexy dates for the evening.
Yes, it happens that fast!
You're coming with us.
For the last time.
All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of marshall and Lilly They are old and married and it's too late for them anyway but ted, the world is Going to come to an end tonight.
Yes, think about it.
End of the world, Nostradamus��notre dame, Fighting irish.
Irish, st.
patrick's day.
This is it, bro.
bro Apocalypse now.
bro?megandon You are young, you're single.
You will have so much more Fun with me.
Do you want to spend your Last night on earth playing Board games with marshall and lilly?
My hands smell weird.
Smell this.
They do, that's new.
I'll be there in five minutes.
Yes all right!
He's in.
Ted is a great guy.
You're going to love him.
So on march 17 2008, I went To a big st.
patrick's day party.
And it's a good thing I did Because funny story, Your mother was there.
Hi,have you med ted.
Hi, I'm mary.
Hi, happy st.
patty's day.
I haven't met ted either.
-I'm stefanie.
-Hi Dude, back off.
I called this on stefanie.
Okay, mary's hot .
Well then I want mary.
Fine.
Oh, I see reverse psychology.
Then I'm sticking with -Stefanie dr.
frid.
-Ok Which one do you want more.
Either one.
I want them both.
You're an idiot.
It may be a moot point.
It doesn't look like we're getting in.
Look at this.
You know why there's a line, it's because i ditched marshall and lilly And now the universe is Punishing us for it, that's why.
What's it going to cost us To get in, $20?
$40.
Dude come on, you're making the we folk look bad.
just give me your pot of gold.
Is it just you two?
Don't worry we're not gonna blow your race here.
We happen to have two very hot girls with us.
Mine is the hotter one.
Sorry guys, if it was Just you two, you can go in Right now.
We have nothing but girls in there.
People will start thinking it's a lesbian bar Would you excuse us for just a minute?
Ted I'm going to be honest I was full of it with that Nostradamus thing but I'm starting to think there's Serious planetary crap going on here tonight.
Never in the history of new York city nightclub has There been a shortage of dudes.
Not even during the great Dude shortage of 1883.
We've got to ditch these girls.
You dragged them all The way down here.
I don't see no ring on this finger.
Hold on.
Excuse me.
Are the girls in there Hotter than our dates?
I don't know if they're hotter But they're drunker.
Rock and roll.
Welcome to your new dream home my lady.
All right, all right.
Put me down, robin thinks we're weird.
No it's fine, it was only weird on the subway.
I'm going to check the other rooms to see if The previous owners left us any free stuff.
I'll hang our first piece of art, There's already a nail, hey lily, free nail!
score!
-How's that.
-perfect.
Now this is ridiculous Is it the nail?
-Marshall -Is the wall cookt crooked or something?
-Marshall -Is there a draft in here.
Marshall, what?
Your apartment is crooked.
What do you mean?
It was the kind of thing You didn't notice Until you noticed it.
and once you noticed it, you couldn't not notice it.
Lilly an marshall's new apartment Was crooked.
Oh, no!
No, no!
Oh,no, no!no, no!
Yes.
Are you telling me that We just spend our entire Life saving on a crooked apartment?
Oh my god Oh,she's gonna fret Look what I found in the Kids' room, free skateboard, Score one Free hungry, hungry hippo.
Double score!
I'm going to check the kitchen How can she not notice.
It's like the last 20 minutes of titanic in here.
We have keep this quiet, If lilly finds out her dream house crooked It will break her heart.
Free salad Strainer.
I love this place Just for tonight, okay?
Ok It's going to be an uphill battle.
I'm just saying we have to Think of the right angle.
I have a third one but I'm Not going to say it.
I think we've stumbled Into some sort of ethical Worm hole.
-Green suit -yeah I ditched marshall and lilly And was rewarded with two beautiful girls.
Suits made of green.
We bailed on those two beautiful girls and now we're Being rewarded with a sea of Beautiful girls.
38 long.
Like the laws of the Universe are working in reverse.
Can you put it on my tab.
What's the last name.
Guido.
I'm going to try something to see if this works -hey -hey what kind of do you get?
A bottle of dom perignon.Can you put it on my tab.
What's your name.
-Garido.
-Dude you're right.
make it two bottles Now we wait and see something good Oh,hello St.
patrick's tradition If you're not wearing green, You have to get punished.
well this is what i deserved I'm not wearing green either.
This is deep teal the Lighting makes it.
I'm Ted Asheley,with two Es please Cs at most.
You guys can join me and friends.We have a bottle of Tequila and shockingly deep belly buttons.
Okay, it's official, do Bad things, good things happen.
Ted, listen, are you hearing that?
That's the universe.
The universe is talking to us.
We don't have to build a baseball field, do we?
No the universe is Telling us that we have a free pass tonight.
The universe is saying that We don't have to live in Fear of the -- are you still there?
Yeah, I'm still here.
For the repercussions of our actions.
There is no waiting for tomorrow because do you know why ted?
There is no tomorrow.
No tomorrow, huh?
By the way mr.
garido, With your champagne you get A free complimentary caviar.
Enjoy.
Not tomorrow Not tomorrow Hey wonder what the Grown-ups are doing right now?
I win again!
Why do I keep winning?
Maybe your hip spoe just Hungrier than ours.
That's it.That's what is.It's not gravity that's for sure.
I'll tell you that.
What's that?
What's going on here?
Okay, lilly.
While you were in the other Room, robin and I We discovered something about this apartment It's not a big deal.
It's not like a disaster, It's just something that We're going to have to learn to live with.
Robin and I saw a ghost.
What?
He's kidding, right?
No, we really saw a ghost.
What did it look like?
A sheet with two holes He was a Confederate general Who was wounded at the battle of Antietam and died at the army Hospital which once stood on this very spot And now he wanders these halls vowing revenge against the union he once failed in But he seems nice.
good guy.
You see ghosts everywhere.
You see ghosts at starbucks.
That kenny g holiday cd Just flew off the shelf.
Last time that happened.
Robin you're a skeptic so if You say you saw a ghost,.
It passed right Through me and suddenly i Felt cold.
So very coal.
cold.
You know ashley, you Probably just want to get up And walk away but I just Have to test out this theory I've been working on.
Tonight, I'm not looking for A relationship.
I really just want to hook Up with you, leave before Breakfast and never see you again.
I'm in.
Unbelievable.
Hot damn, that's a deep naval!
No tomorrow ted!
No tomorrow barney.
No tomorrow, huh?
I like that idea.
Because if there is a tomorrow, I'm going to be in A lot of trouble.
Why is that?
I'm married.
Tell me you're messing With me guys.
You didn't actually see a ghost it's not a big deal baby.
He seemed friendly.
You said he's a Confederate general, they're the bad guys.
And he's probably racist!
He seems polite.
He has courtly southern manners.
How can we bring our kids here.
I don't want a confederate general ghost teach them racism!
He loves people of all colors and creeds.
He was fighting for state rights.That's all.
You have said he was wearing a sheet, what do you think that means?
The apartment is crooked!
What?
Robin and i Didn't see a ghost.
The floor is crooked, isn't it?
Yeah.
We spent our entire Life savings on this particular.
The next 30 mortgage paying Years of our lives will be Spent on a floor an it's crooked!
Thanks a lot, robin.
How is racist Ghost bear than crooked?
Someone tell me how that's better.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's okay.
So I'm having second thoughts about that theory.
I'm telling you if you want to know how old a woman Is check her elbows.
Not that theory.
You have to be More specific,ted Because I have so many theories.
The whole do bad,good things happen.
Asheley is married.
So?
What do you mean so?
Open your brain tank, Because here come fromPremium 91 octane knowledge.
There's three rules of cheating.
It's not cheating if you're not the one whose married.
It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels And it's not cheating if she's in a different area code.
You're fine on all three counts.
How do you know she's from a different area code.
She's 516 She may dress like 718,she might act like 212 But trust me,she is 516 Oh and her husband Letting her out alone on st.Patty's day if that guy is not 973, I'm 307.
Wyoming.
Maybe we can nail down all our furniture.
We won't be able to get a pinball machine.
Unless we put a book under two of the legs or something.
But if we wanna read those books.this is a nightmare.
Can't raise our kids here.
They will grow up slanted.
If we have a daughter, we have to call her ilene.
I don't think we can live here marshall.
I don't know what we're gonna to do.
Marshall?
Open the door.
If I make to it the door That's five points.
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
Five points.
10 bucks says I can do it backwards.
So lilly and marshall Decided to make the best of A bad situation and that's also how the apartment roller luge was invented.
Very careful,very,oh, yeah!
So she's married.
Not like she has kid.
How do you know?
Wrist!It's like you don't even listen to me.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Where did you go.
Well, I just.
Was it something I said.
No,no,no,it's just...
Well, you're married and We've been drinking and i was worried we might...
This is a very bad idea.
We have a problem Hey, hey, hey.
Is this your husband.
I've never seen him in my life Ok,what's our problem Rick,Rick garido According to the bar tenor I'm the guy who has been Buying you shall pain all night Ok,there's a very simple explanation The next thing I know is the police show up, They arrest the other guy and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night It was awesome Awesome?
Yeah You don't see anything wrong with that story Well I lost my phone in the club somewhere What the hell is wrong with you,dude?
I lose things You kissed a married woman ted You committed credit card fraud You kissed a married woman Do you know how offensive that is to me?
You're turning into barney We don't need another barney It's st.
patty's day!
It wasn't as bad as it sounds It wasn't as bad as it sounds?
Huh?
okay.
I want you to hear exactly How it sounds ted First skipped message I don't see no ring on this finger And then last night Started coming back to me The real version Are the girls this there hotter than our dates?
I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker.
Rock and roll!
-How many messages did I...
-17 Kids it's sometimes Possible you're doing just fine in life Next message Can you put it on my tab?
Sir, what's the last name?
Garido.
And then someone opens your eyes a bit And then you realize Next message I really want to hook up with you Leave before breakfast an Never see you again Your whole world is off balance Next message out of whack Ok,look,bro,there's a very simple explanation Crooked That was hard to listen to No one sounds good in answerign machine Thanks for doing that You yelled at me You got very firm with me Very confident It was cool Thanks You're very sexy when you yell marshall Shut up Crazy muscles in your neck You're like the kentucky derby,winning streaks You're ruining our last moment At one point I thought we were going to kiss Ted seriously I'm married A slanted floor Architecturally speaking Fixing that will be Very very Very expensive And it's going to take some time too So, looks like you're stuck with us for a Little while longer if That's okay Are you kidding?
I love it I don't know what's going to happen without you guys around Where are you going I'm going to get my stupid phone So that was st.
patrick's day 2008 I find out years later that your mom was at that party I just didn't meet her It's a good thing I didn't Because if I had, I don't Think she would have liked me In fact I don't think I like me But that's okay Tomorrow had arrived You see I didn't know it yet, But my luck was about to change I'm awesome!
Well, most of us.
To barney stone.
-Look it's the ridler.
-That's not the ridler.
That's gumby.
Can we tie you in a knot later.
Hey nba player sidelined by a knee injury.
all right,laugh all you want but This is my lucky st.
patty's day suit.
I have dry cleaned many a Stain off this baby.
You know why it's lucky Because it's green.
The color of go as in let's.
Barney we talked this Over and we're not doing st.
Patrick's day this year.
Come on.let's...
Are you -- wow, okay.
I think I got to lie down.
Can we shoot pool on you?
No, no!
Unacceptable.
That's so not raven.
What are you going to do instead.
We just got the keys to Our new apartment so we're Going to hang that painting have board game night.
You're welcome to join us, if you want.
Board game night?
Board game night!
Come on!
Let's drink green beer.
Let's do green jello shots Where is your st.
patrick's Day spirits We're drinking green tea.
With caffeine.
sorry,we're grown ups now, We can't fly up to neverland with you anymore All right, fine, You know what,I'll celebrate st.
patrick's Day by myself.
I don't need you people.
You make me physically ill!
He did look a little green.
Hello?
Hey.
happy st.
patty's day.
How are you?
I've been talking to you forever -Who is it?
-it's ted's butt.
Damn it!My phone keeps pocket dialing.
That's like 8th times today.
In fairness I did call Ted's butt about 2:00 this afternoon.
Just long enough to call you back.
Barney?
Where are you.
In a cab, heading downtown with our hot and Sexy dates for the evening.
Yes, it happens that fast!
You're coming with us.
For the last time.
All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of marshall and Lilly They are old and married and it's too late for them anyway but ted, the world is Going to come to an end tonight.
Yes, think about it.
End of the world, Nostradamus��notre dame, Fighting irish.
Irish, st.
patrick's day.
This is it, bro.
bro Apocalypse now.
bro?megandon You are young, you're single.
You will have so much more Fun with me.
Do you want to spend your Last night on earth playing Board games with marshall and lilly?
My hands smell weird.
Smell this.
They do, that's new.
I'll be there in five minutes.
Yes all right!
He's in.
Ted is a great guy.
You're going to love him.
So on march 17 2008, I went To a big st.
patrick's day party.
And it's a good thing I did Because funny story, Your mother was there.
Hi,have you med ted.
Hi, I'm mary.
Hi, happy st.
patty's day.
I haven't met ted either.
-I'm stefanie.
-Hi Dude, back off.
I called this on stefanie.
Okay, mary's hot .
Well then I want mary.
Fine.
Oh, I see reverse psychology.
Then I'm sticking with -Stefanie dr.
frid.
-Ok Which one do you want more.
Either one.
I want them both.
You're an idiot.
It may be a moot point.
It doesn't look like we're getting in.
Look at this.
You know why there's a line, it's because i ditched marshall and lilly And now the universe is Punishing us for it, that's why.
What's it going to cost us To get in, $20?
$40.
Dude come on, you're making the we folk look bad.
just give me your pot of gold.
Is it just you two?
Don't worry we're not gonna blow your race here.
We happen to have two very hot girls with us.
Mine is the hotter one.
Sorry guys, if it was Just you two, you can go in Right now.
We have nothing but girls in there.
People will start thinking it's a lesbian bar Would you excuse us for just a minute?
Ted I'm going to be honest I was full of it with that Nostradamus thing but I'm starting to think there's Serious planetary crap going on here tonight.
Never in the history of new York city nightclub has There been a shortage of dudes.
Not even during the great Dude shortage of 1883.
We've got to ditch these girls.
You dragged them all The way down here.
I don't see no ring on this finger.
Hold on.
Excuse me.
Are the girls in there Hotter than our dates?
I don't know if they're hotter But they're drunker.
Rock and roll.
Welcome to your new dream home my lady.
All right, all right.
Put me down, robin thinks we're weird.
No it's fine, it was only weird on the subway.
I'm going to check the other rooms to see if The previous owners left us any free stuff.
I'll hang our first piece of art, There's already a nail, hey lily, free nail!
score!
-How's that.
-perfect.
Now this is ridiculous Is it the nail?
-Marshall -Is the wall cookt crooked or something?
-Marshall -Is there a draft in here.
Marshall, what?
Your apartment is crooked.
What do you mean?
It was the kind of thing You didn't notice Until you noticed it.
and once you noticed it, you couldn't not notice it.
Lilly an marshall's new apartment Was crooked.
Oh, no!
No, no!
Oh,no, no!no, no!
Yes.
Are you telling me that We just spend our entire Life saving on a crooked apartment?
Oh my god Oh,she's gonna fret Look what I found in the Kids' room, free skateboard, Score one Free hungry, hungry hippo.
Double score!
I'm going to check the kitchen How can she not notice.
It's like the last 20 minutes of titanic in here.
We have keep this quiet, If lilly finds out her dream house crooked It will break her heart.
Free salad Strainer.
I love this place Just for tonight, okay?
Ok It's going to be an uphill battle.
I'm just saying we have to Think of the right angle.
I have a third one but I'm Not going to say it.
I think we've stumbled Into some sort of ethical Worm hole.
-Green suit -yeah I ditched marshall and lilly And was rewarded with two beautiful girls.
Suits made of green.
We bailed on those two beautiful girls and now we're Being rewarded with a sea of Beautiful girls.
38 long.
Like the laws of the Universe are working in reverse.
Can you put it on my tab.
What's the last name.
Guido.
I'm going to try something to see if this works -hey -hey what kind of do you get?
A bottle of dom perignon.Can you put it on my tab.
What's your name.
-Garido.
-Dude you're right.
make it two bottles Now we wait and see something good Oh,hello St.
patrick's tradition If you're not wearing green, You have to get punished.
well this is what i deserved I'm not wearing green either.
This is deep teal the Lighting makes it.
I'm Ted Asheley,with two Es please Cs at most.
You guys can join me and friends.We have a bottle of Tequila and shockingly deep belly buttons.
Okay, it's official, do Bad things, good things happen.
Ted, listen, are you hearing that?
That's the universe.
The universe is talking to us.
We don't have to build a baseball field, do we?
No the universe is Telling us that we have a free pass tonight.
The universe is saying that We don't have to live in Fear of the -- are you still there?
Yeah, I'm still here.
For the repercussions of our actions.
There is no waiting for tomorrow because do you know why ted?
There is no tomorrow.
No tomorrow, huh?
By the way mr.
garido, With your champagne you get A free complimentary caviar.
Enjoy.
Not tomorrow Not tomorrow Hey wonder what the Grown-ups are doing right now?
I win again!
Why do I keep winning?
Maybe your hip spoe just Hungrier than ours.
That's it.That's what is.It's not gravity that's for sure.
I'll tell you that.
What's that?
What's going on here?
Okay, lilly.
While you were in the other Room, robin and I We discovered something about this apartment It's not a big deal.
It's not like a disaster, It's just something that We're going to have to learn to live with.
Robin and I saw a ghost.
What?
He's kidding, right?
No, we really saw a ghost.
What did it look like?
A sheet with two holes He was a Confederate general Who was wounded at the battle of Antietam and died at the army Hospital which once stood on this very spot And now he wanders these halls vowing revenge against the union he once failed in But he seems nice.
good guy.
You see ghosts everywhere.
You see ghosts at starbucks.
That kenny g holiday cd Just flew off the shelf.
Last time that happened.
Robin you're a skeptic so if You say you saw a ghost,.
It passed right Through me and suddenly i Felt cold.
So very coal.
cold.
You know ashley, you Probably just want to get up And walk away but I just Have to test out this theory I've been working on.
Tonight, I'm not looking for A relationship.
I really just want to hook Up with you, leave before Breakfast and never see you again.
I'm in.
Unbelievable.
Hot damn, that's a deep naval!
No tomorrow ted!
No tomorrow barney.
No tomorrow, huh?
I like that idea.
Because if there is a tomorrow, I'm going to be in A lot of trouble.
Why is that?
I'm married.
Tell me you're messing With me guys.
You didn't actually see a ghost it's not a big deal baby.
He seemed friendly.
You said he's a Confederate general, they're the bad guys.
And he's probably racist!
He seems polite.
He has courtly southern manners.
How can we bring our kids here.
I don't want a confederate general ghost teach them racism!
He loves people of all colors and creeds.
He was fighting for state rights.That's all.
You have said he was wearing a sheet, what do you think that means?
The apartment is crooked!
What?
Robin and i Didn't see a ghost.
The floor is crooked, isn't it?
Yeah.
We spent our entire Life savings on this particular.
The next 30 mortgage paying Years of our lives will be Spent on a floor an it's crooked!
Thanks a lot, robin.
How is racist Ghost bear than crooked?
Someone tell me how that's better.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's okay.
So I'm having second thoughts about that theory.
I'm telling you if you want to know how old a woman Is check her elbows.
Not that theory.
You have to be More specific,ted Because I have so many theories.
The whole do bad,good things happen.
Asheley is married.
So?
What do you mean so?
Open your brain tank, Because here come fromPremium 91 octane knowledge.
There's three rules of cheating.
It's not cheating if you're not the one whose married.
It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels And it's not cheating if she's in a different area code.
You're fine on all three counts.
How do you know she's from a different area code.
She's 516 She may dress like 718,she might act like 212 But trust me,she is 516 Oh and her husband Letting her out alone on st.Patty's day if that guy is not 973, I'm 307.
Wyoming.
Maybe we can nail down all our furniture.
We won't be able to get a pinball machine.
Unless we put a book under two of the legs or something.
But if we wanna read those books.this is a nightmare.
Can't raise our kids here.
They will grow up slanted.
If we have a daughter, we have to call her ilene.
I don't think we can live here marshall.
I don't know what we're gonna to do.
Marshall?
Open the door.
If I make to it the door That's five points.
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
Five points.
10 bucks says I can do it backwards.
So lilly and marshall Decided to make the best of A bad situation and that's also how the apartment roller luge was invented.
Very careful,very,oh, yeah!
So she's married.
Not like she has kid.
How do you know?
Wrist!It's like you don't even listen to me.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Where did you go.
Well, I just.
Was it something I said.
No,no,no,it's just...
Well, you're married and We've been drinking and i was worried we might...
This is a very bad idea.
We have a problem Hey, hey, hey.
Is this your husband.
I've never seen him in my life Ok,what's our problem Rick,Rick garido According to the bar tenor I'm the guy who has been Buying you shall pain all night Ok,there's a very simple explanation The next thing I know is the police show up, They arrest the other guy and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night It was awesome Awesome?
Yeah You don't see anything wrong with that story Well I lost my phone in the club somewhere What the hell is wrong with you,dude?
I lose things You kissed a married woman ted You committed credit card fraud You kissed a married woman Do you know how offensive that is to me?
You're turning into barney We don't need another barney It's st.
patty's day!
It wasn't as bad as it sounds It wasn't as bad as it sounds?
Huh?
okay.
I want you to hear exactly How it sounds ted First skipped message I don't see no ring on this finger And then last night Started coming back to me The real version Are the girls this there hotter than our dates?
I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker.
Rock and roll!
-How many messages did I...
-17 Kids it's sometimes Possible you're doing just fine in life Next message Can you put it on my tab?
Sir, what's the last name?
Garido.
And then someone opens your eyes a bit And then you realize Next message I really want to hook up with you Leave before breakfast an Never see you again Your whole world is off balance Next message out of whack Ok,look,bro,there's a very simple explanation Crooked That was hard to listen to No one sounds good in answerign machine Thanks for doing that You yelled at me You got very firm with me Very confident It was cool Thanks You're very sexy when you yell marshall Shut up Crazy muscles in your neck You're like the kentucky derby,winning streaks You're ruining our last moment At one point I thought we were going to kiss Ted seriously I'm married A slanted floor Architecturally speaking Fixing that will be Very very Very expensive And it's going to take some time too So, looks like you're stuck with us for a Little while longer if That's okay Are you kidding?
I love it I don't know what's going to happen without you guys around Where are you going I'm going to get my stupid phone So that was st.
patrick's day 2008 I find out years later that your mom was at that party I just didn't meet her It's a good thing I didn't Because if I had, I don't Think she would have liked me In fact I don't think I like me But that's okay Tomorrow had arrived You see I didn't know it yet, But my luck was about to change I'm awesome!