TV-Serie: Everybody Loves Raymond - 2x1
Look who's here.
-Listen, I got to go, okay?
I'm Iate.
-Okay.
-See you guys.
-Okay, bye.
-Bye, Dad.
-Bye.
-I'm Iate.
-Yeah, Ray, Iisten...
Ally drew a picture of our famiIy and she wants to put it on the fridge.
Yeah, so?
Look at it.
There's Ally and the twins, and there's you and me and...
Iook at your parents.
Oh, she made them giants.
Yeah.
With sharp teeth and cIaws.
Yeah, and they're attacking our house.
-Stop it.
I'm showing him.
-No, this way.
It goes this way.
She's very perceptive.
We can't put this on the fridge.
Your parents are going to see it.
Do you Iike my picture, Daddy?
Yes, I do, sweetie.
Honey, how come you made Grandma and Grandpa Iook so scary?
That's not Grandma and Grandpa.
Those are Halloween monsters.
Oh.
Okay.
Grandma and Grandpa aren't monsters.
-Youth.
-Yeah.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I Iive here in Long IsIand with my wife, Debra...
my 6-year-oId daughter and twin 2-year oId boys.
My parents...
Iive across the street.
That's right.
And my brother Iives with them.
Now, not every famiIy wouId defy gravity for you...
but mine wouId because-- Everybody Ioves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't....
They've got to call in there.
There's no way they'll get it.
So none of these are reaI massages?
Andy, why wouId a reaI masseuse have a bIack bar across her eyes?
You know why?
The bIack matches her whip.
-So all of this is sex?
-Yes, it's sex!
And these prices are very reasonabIe.
Press box.
Yeah, hoId on one second.
-Kevin, it's Roy Firestone.
-Roy's calling.
Roy's calling.
I'm on TV with Roy.
Roy Firestone.
-You're not a IittIe jeaIous, are you?
-No, I'm not jeaIous.
So Kevin does the pIay-by-pIay for the Mets...
and I'm just his humpbacked staff guy.
You know what?
Without me, he wouIdn't know what to say.
He'd open up his mouth, and meat wouId fall out.
Thank you.
I'll tell him now.
All right, Roy.
You know who that was?
That was Roy freaking Firestone.
Did he ask you to a sIeepover?
You, my friend, are going to be on TV.
Me?
What are you taIking about?
Harvey Johnson's taking a vacation...
and Roy wants you to fill in with us on Sportscall with Roy Firestone.
Get outta here.
Come on, I don't know TV.
-I'm a sportswriter.
-Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy.
Or a Chinese person.
Wait a minute, that's a Iive TV show.
It's 30 minutes.
It's the easiest money ever made.
Easier than the $40 he got when you couIdn't do seven pushups?
It was ten, Andy.
I couIdn't do ten pushups.
It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.
So you're in, right?
I don't know.
Come on, I gotta think it over.
-I got to Iet him know tonight, Ray.
-Roy wants me?
-Come on, he knows who I am?
-Everybody knows who you are.
You know sports.
You get to the heart, the poetry that is sports.
I'm having the stomach that is nauseous.
-You're sure he knows me?
-Yes!
-He read my stuff?
-He knows it all, come on!
-You think I'll do all right on air?
-You're going to do great.
-All right, I'll do it.
-Yeah!
That's the man I know.
-Man, I got to call Debra.
-Look at you.
-Debra's going to fIip when she hears this.
-TV big shot.
Hi.
Hi, MichaeI.
MichaeI answered the phone.
-His first time, he's never done that.
-First time.
What is he, 14 now, Ray?
He's two.
Yeah, hi, it's Daddy.
No, I know Daddy's not home.
I'm Daddy.
No, I'm Daddy!
Yeah, is Mommy....
Hello?
No, don't go get Daddy!
He dropped the phone!
Is somebody there?
Is somebody there to pick up the phone?
Debra?
I hear you, Debra.
You're waIking right by the phone.
Look down!
Look down, Debra!
I'm in the phone!
You know what my mother did?
She sent fIiers out all over the neighborhood.
My father toId everybody at the EIks.
Give me some tips, man.
Tell me something.
Just make Iove to the camera, Ray.
-What do you say, fellas?
-Good to see you.
-You all know James Worthy.
-James, good to see you.
-Ray, good to see you again.
-You all ready for the big show?
I guess so.
I don't do TV much.
Ever.
First time.
-I got some butterfIies going.
-I don't get the butterfIies.
I just throw up before every Iive show.
-We're live in 30 seconds.
-Wait, I didn't throw up yet.
How do you sit?
Do you cross your Iegs much?
I don't, but I can't.
Okay, everybody, stand by.
In 5, 4, 3, 2....
-Listen, can I get-- -Hello there, everybody...
I'm Roy Firestone, and this is Sportscall.
Our guest all this week from the great Laker championship team is Mr.
James Worthy.
And as aIways, the radio voice of the New York Mets...
Mr.
Kevin DanieIs.
Good to see you, Kev.
Roy.
James.
How are you, foIks?
And a brand-new face from Newsday, a fine coIumnist, Mr.
Ray Barone.
-Good to see you, Ray.
-Howdy.
Our subject tonight: athIetes and steroids.
As you might know, there's an increasing use of steroids...
among amateur athIetes.
Ray, you wrote a very interesting piece about that.
Yes, I did, Roy.
Why don't you tell us about that, Ray?
It's a growing probIem.
Steroids.
Right.
I'd say it's even gotten to be a bit of a....
Epidemic?
No, it's not an epidemic.
It's out of controI.
It's kinda Iike a...
-epidemic.
-Epidemic, yeah, that's right.
What they did was they took a group of OIympic athIetes...
and they axed them if using steroids wouId guarantee you a goId medaI...
but wouId aIso kill you in five years, wouId you still do it?
64% of them said yes.
-Wow.
Really?
-That's aIarming.
I really enjoyed the piece.
A terrific piece.
You did a great job-- Oh, thanks.
Thanks, Roy.
When a program succeeds Iike that...
a Iot of that stuffjust gets swept right under the rug.
-Right.
-Yeah.
And what's going to happen is that it's Iater...
that these kids are going to reaIize that...
they've made a horribIe mistake, you know.
They don't reaIize it at first...
but what happens is, they're sacrificing...
what once, you know, was the ideaI.
The ideaI to achieve the American dream....
-Hello.
-Hooray!
What's going on?
-I'm capturing the moment.
-All right, come on, cut it out.
-Ready, action shot!
-Hooray for Ray!
Let me be the first one to hug my big TV star.
-Oh, pIease.
-Hey, Frank, take a picture.
They shouId give you the show.
You're better than that other guy.
-Kevin?
-No, the other one.
-The one who was acting Iike the boss.
-Roy Firestone?
-You were the whoIe show!
-Come on.
Now you got teIevision.
Way to go.
Yeah, I feIt a IittIe awkward there-- -You'd never know.
-Here's James Worthy Iistening to you taIk.
-You took pictures of me on the teIevision.
-Sure.
How often is my son on the tube?
I was on when we busted John Gotti.
Yes, but you didn't have any Iines, dear.
-So what did you think?
-You were great.
-What did they say at the show?
-I think they Iiked me.
-Of course they Iiked you.
-It was Iike watching Joe GaragioIa.
This one is Roy smiIing at something I said right there.
I remember when he did that.
I saw that.
That was great.
They Iiked you.
Oh, God, yeah, all right, come on!
It's a TV show, that's all it is.
We couId bIow that one up.
That one couId get me in.
Ray!
-I was just taIking to Kevin-- -Look at this.
Ally drew another picture of our famiIy...
and she still says that these monsters aren't your parents.
All right.
So maybe they're not.
Ray, this one is baId, and this one's carrying a covered dish.
You know what?
Save that.
Someday a therapist may want to see it.
Listen, I was just taIking to Kevin...
and Harvey Johnson's going to be out again tomorrow...
so they want me to do the show again.
I thought it was just a one-time deaI.
Things went pretty well there.
Everybody seemed to Iike it, so I figured, why not?
Hey, great.
Yeah, that's really great.
-What?
-Nothing.
-You're pursing your Iips.
What's wrong?
-I'm not pursing.
What?
No.
Okay.
Okay, it's just maybe before the next show, you couId...
just practice a few words you kind of had just a IittIe bit of troubIe saying.
-Like what?
What are you taIking about?
-No, don't get so excited.
-This is not a big deaI.
-Come on, I'm going to be on teIevision.
Okay, Iook.
Asterisk.
You were taIking about some record that had an asterisk next to it....
Yeah.
Asterisk.
Well, come on.
Asterix.
Asterix.
-I said "asterix" on teIevision!
-That's ok.
No, it's ok.
-Just "asterisk."
-Asterix.
-Asterisk.
-Asterix.
-Aster-- -Shut up.
I know!
-Stop showing off.
-All right.
Sorry.
You know what?
It'd be easier if you just break it into two parts.
Aster, risk.
Aster, risk.
-Asterisk.
-Asterix.
Nobody even cares.
Next time that word comes up, maybe just say...
-IittIe star.
-What eIse?
What other words?
Well...
-you're asking me, right?
-Yeah?
-You're asking me.
-Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm axing you.
-Yeah, ask.
Sometimes you say....
-Ax.
Ax, oh, man!
No, honey, come on.
You just got to practice those words.
Just practice those words.
Why didn't you tell me this?
You shouId've toId me the first time I axed you something.
I never thought you were going to be on teIevision.
You know what we couId do?
Let's put them all in a sentence.
Say: "I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."
Cinnamom.
Cinnamom.
Oh, my God, I'm a monkey.
Did I say cinnamom on the show?
No, it's just a good thing to know for when we're at the IHOP.
Come on, "I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."
-I asked you....
-Good.
...to put the asterisk with the cinnamom.
All right, you know what?
No more IHOP.
Ray, it's just those coupIe of words, that's all.
-You were really....
You were great.
-You toId me.
I beIieved you.
-No, really, honey, you were terrific.
-Oh, don't.
Sorry I axed.
-Hi.
-Hi, dear, you hungry?
-No.
-Sit down, I'll make you a sandwich.
-Ally gave you one of her paintings?
-Yeah.
Look how big we are compared to the rest of the famiIy.
Yeah, that's great.
Listen.
You guys ever notice that I say certain words funny?
What do you mean?
Like "gIockenspieI" or "tushy"?
Not funny words, Dad.
Do I mispronounce words?
I'm just asking.
I think you speak beautifully, dear.
Why?
What's wrong?
Debra thought I had troubIe on the show Iast night with certain words.
That's ridicuIous.
It sounds Iike she's being a IittIe nitpicky.
Yeah?
So you really think I was all right Iast night?
-Yeah.
-Oh, good.
-'Cause I'm going to do it again tonight.
-They want you back?
What does that mean?
Nothing.
It's just that we thought it was over.
So you did notice the words.
Listen, you got bigger probIems than your IittIe words there.
Like what?
Like scratching the microphone.
Nobody couId hear what the hell was going on!
At Ieast the scratching kept him from waving his hands around...
Iike he was Ianding pIanes.
-The microphone was much worse.
-No.
It seemed Iike he'd never been on teIevision before.
He's never been on teIevision, but he's had his hands his whoIe Iife.
The microphone was much more annoying!
Ray, which is more annoying?
This or this?
I did that?
Yeah.
Now that you mention it, your voice was kind of monotonous.
I didn't mention that.
You tended to drone on and on, dear.
It was very off-putting.
-Oh, my God!
-You see?
Like that.
Most peopIe wouId say, "My God!"
You got to try and make your voice go up and down more.
High and Iow.
I wouId absoIuteIy Iove a nice dill pickIe.
PickIe, Marie.
Okay, so Iet me get this straight, Dad.
Everything you said after the show Iast night was a Iie...
and behind my back, you've been taIking about how bad I was.
You think I stunk.
You think I stunk!
What difference does it make what we think?
They asked you back!
Keep in mind the things we toId you because I got to see peopIe during the day.
Oh, my God.
The supermarket.
You Iie to me.
You Iie to me, and you do it so well!
How Iong has this been going on?
Three weeks.
Look at you.
Oh, my God!
You've been Iying to me my whoIe Iife, haven't you? "
Raymond, you're such a great writer, you couId've been writing poetry."
How about in high schooI, Ma? "
Don't worry, the girIs don't know what they're missing."
They knew!
They knew, and they didn't miss it.
How about this, Ma?
Were you Iying when you said: "The day you were born was the happiest day of our Iives."
No.
That's true.
It was.
Don't eat that now, Robert.
-What's going on?
-They've been Iying to us our whoIe Iives.
Every time they ever tried to make us feeI good about ourseIves.
When did that happen to me?
Honey, I'm sure we Iied to you pIenty of times.
You got to get your own pIace, man.
Don't be silly.
We Iove having you here.
Oh, my God!
Ray, we toId you, you were a good writer...
so that you wouId think you were a good writer, see?
Then somebody gave you a job.
That's what parents do.
They all Iie to their kids for their own good.
Other parents aren't Iying, Ma.
They beIieve in their chiIdren.
No, they don't.
Well, that's it, okay?
No more Iies, all right?
-Don't heIp me anymore.
-That was good.
High and Iow.
Use that on the show tonight.
Oh, my God, I can't beIieve I got to do a show now.
You'll be wonderfuI, dear.
PIease, no more Iies.
They say that because the pros can hit it so far...
that they shouId Iengthen the Iength of all the courses, and...
you know, I know I'm probabIy droning on here...
but what about tradition?
There's aIways tradition and history and...
stuff, and I know...
I support the changes in baseball, but...
Iook, Iet me ax, ask you something here.
Sports sometimes shouId adopt, adapt...
adapt and grow, but aren't there times that a sport shouIdn't adopt, adapt...
and not grow.
ProbabIy not grow.
Oh, hi, honey.
It didn't go very well, did it?
Not your best moment there, Raymond.
-What are you doing?
-We're being honest.
You said that's what you wanted.
I couId've eaten a box of AIpha-Bits and crapped a better interview.
Well, what did you think?
Honey, I begged you to say "IittIe star."
It was even worse than Iast time.
You made me hate TV.
Want me to pIay it back for you, Raymond?
All right.
Come on, I want you to be honest, but it couIdn't have been all bad.
Dad, I made my voice go high and Iow Iike you said.
That didn't work.
What about my IittIe Steinbrenner joke?
It wasn't funny.
It's not nice to hurt other peopIe's feeIings.
-Well, what about this?
-This is funny.
All right, come on.
It couId've been....
There had to be something there.
I sat there, and....
Come on.
Come on!
-I thought there were a Iot of good things.
-Yeah?
Like, those other guys are so...
poIished and professionaI, and you were really human.
But what about what I said, though?
Did it make sense?
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
I got some of it.
-So I mean, it wasn't a totaI disaster.
-Not at all.
How many totaI disasters are there?
Ray, the fact that you couId go on Iive teIevision...
with such IittIe experience.
That really says a Iot.
You were great, dear.
At Ieast I tried it, right?
I mean, it's better to try than to...
-not try.
-Yes!
You got to get in there.
Try new things...
-expand your experiences.
You were so-- -Okay!
Thanks.
Better than Broadway.
I got some makeup on.
I'm going to take the makeup off and then I'll come back.
Okay, yeah.
You were so good.
I bet they have you back on again.
-I'm sure they will.
-Yeah.
It's all about you, Raymond.
Robert.
I don't think that was a totaI disaster.
Well, how many totaI disasters are there?
-Listen, I got to go, okay?
I'm Iate.
-Okay.
-See you guys.
-Okay, bye.
-Bye, Dad.
-Bye.
-I'm Iate.
-Yeah, Ray, Iisten...
Ally drew a picture of our famiIy and she wants to put it on the fridge.
Yeah, so?
Look at it.
There's Ally and the twins, and there's you and me and...
Iook at your parents.
Oh, she made them giants.
Yeah.
With sharp teeth and cIaws.
Yeah, and they're attacking our house.
-Stop it.
I'm showing him.
-No, this way.
It goes this way.
She's very perceptive.
We can't put this on the fridge.
Your parents are going to see it.
Do you Iike my picture, Daddy?
Yes, I do, sweetie.
Honey, how come you made Grandma and Grandpa Iook so scary?
That's not Grandma and Grandpa.
Those are Halloween monsters.
Oh.
Okay.
Grandma and Grandpa aren't monsters.
-Youth.
-Yeah.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I Iive here in Long IsIand with my wife, Debra...
my 6-year-oId daughter and twin 2-year oId boys.
My parents...
Iive across the street.
That's right.
And my brother Iives with them.
Now, not every famiIy wouId defy gravity for you...
but mine wouId because-- Everybody Ioves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't....
They've got to call in there.
There's no way they'll get it.
So none of these are reaI massages?
Andy, why wouId a reaI masseuse have a bIack bar across her eyes?
You know why?
The bIack matches her whip.
-So all of this is sex?
-Yes, it's sex!
And these prices are very reasonabIe.
Press box.
Yeah, hoId on one second.
-Kevin, it's Roy Firestone.
-Roy's calling.
Roy's calling.
I'm on TV with Roy.
Roy Firestone.
-You're not a IittIe jeaIous, are you?
-No, I'm not jeaIous.
So Kevin does the pIay-by-pIay for the Mets...
and I'm just his humpbacked staff guy.
You know what?
Without me, he wouIdn't know what to say.
He'd open up his mouth, and meat wouId fall out.
Thank you.
I'll tell him now.
All right, Roy.
You know who that was?
That was Roy freaking Firestone.
Did he ask you to a sIeepover?
You, my friend, are going to be on TV.
Me?
What are you taIking about?
Harvey Johnson's taking a vacation...
and Roy wants you to fill in with us on Sportscall with Roy Firestone.
Get outta here.
Come on, I don't know TV.
-I'm a sportswriter.
-Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy.
Or a Chinese person.
Wait a minute, that's a Iive TV show.
It's 30 minutes.
It's the easiest money ever made.
Easier than the $40 he got when you couIdn't do seven pushups?
It was ten, Andy.
I couIdn't do ten pushups.
It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.
So you're in, right?
I don't know.
Come on, I gotta think it over.
-I got to Iet him know tonight, Ray.
-Roy wants me?
-Come on, he knows who I am?
-Everybody knows who you are.
You know sports.
You get to the heart, the poetry that is sports.
I'm having the stomach that is nauseous.
-You're sure he knows me?
-Yes!
-He read my stuff?
-He knows it all, come on!
-You think I'll do all right on air?
-You're going to do great.
-All right, I'll do it.
-Yeah!
That's the man I know.
-Man, I got to call Debra.
-Look at you.
-Debra's going to fIip when she hears this.
-TV big shot.
Hi.
Hi, MichaeI.
MichaeI answered the phone.
-His first time, he's never done that.
-First time.
What is he, 14 now, Ray?
He's two.
Yeah, hi, it's Daddy.
No, I know Daddy's not home.
I'm Daddy.
No, I'm Daddy!
Yeah, is Mommy....
Hello?
No, don't go get Daddy!
He dropped the phone!
Is somebody there?
Is somebody there to pick up the phone?
Debra?
I hear you, Debra.
You're waIking right by the phone.
Look down!
Look down, Debra!
I'm in the phone!
You know what my mother did?
She sent fIiers out all over the neighborhood.
My father toId everybody at the EIks.
Give me some tips, man.
Tell me something.
Just make Iove to the camera, Ray.
-What do you say, fellas?
-Good to see you.
-You all know James Worthy.
-James, good to see you.
-Ray, good to see you again.
-You all ready for the big show?
I guess so.
I don't do TV much.
Ever.
First time.
-I got some butterfIies going.
-I don't get the butterfIies.
I just throw up before every Iive show.
-We're live in 30 seconds.
-Wait, I didn't throw up yet.
How do you sit?
Do you cross your Iegs much?
I don't, but I can't.
Okay, everybody, stand by.
In 5, 4, 3, 2....
-Listen, can I get-- -Hello there, everybody...
I'm Roy Firestone, and this is Sportscall.
Our guest all this week from the great Laker championship team is Mr.
James Worthy.
And as aIways, the radio voice of the New York Mets...
Mr.
Kevin DanieIs.
Good to see you, Kev.
Roy.
James.
How are you, foIks?
And a brand-new face from Newsday, a fine coIumnist, Mr.
Ray Barone.
-Good to see you, Ray.
-Howdy.
Our subject tonight: athIetes and steroids.
As you might know, there's an increasing use of steroids...
among amateur athIetes.
Ray, you wrote a very interesting piece about that.
Yes, I did, Roy.
Why don't you tell us about that, Ray?
It's a growing probIem.
Steroids.
Right.
I'd say it's even gotten to be a bit of a....
Epidemic?
No, it's not an epidemic.
It's out of controI.
It's kinda Iike a...
-epidemic.
-Epidemic, yeah, that's right.
What they did was they took a group of OIympic athIetes...
and they axed them if using steroids wouId guarantee you a goId medaI...
but wouId aIso kill you in five years, wouId you still do it?
64% of them said yes.
-Wow.
Really?
-That's aIarming.
I really enjoyed the piece.
A terrific piece.
You did a great job-- Oh, thanks.
Thanks, Roy.
When a program succeeds Iike that...
a Iot of that stuffjust gets swept right under the rug.
-Right.
-Yeah.
And what's going to happen is that it's Iater...
that these kids are going to reaIize that...
they've made a horribIe mistake, you know.
They don't reaIize it at first...
but what happens is, they're sacrificing...
what once, you know, was the ideaI.
The ideaI to achieve the American dream....
-Hello.
-Hooray!
What's going on?
-I'm capturing the moment.
-All right, come on, cut it out.
-Ready, action shot!
-Hooray for Ray!
Let me be the first one to hug my big TV star.
-Oh, pIease.
-Hey, Frank, take a picture.
They shouId give you the show.
You're better than that other guy.
-Kevin?
-No, the other one.
-The one who was acting Iike the boss.
-Roy Firestone?
-You were the whoIe show!
-Come on.
Now you got teIevision.
Way to go.
Yeah, I feIt a IittIe awkward there-- -You'd never know.
-Here's James Worthy Iistening to you taIk.
-You took pictures of me on the teIevision.
-Sure.
How often is my son on the tube?
I was on when we busted John Gotti.
Yes, but you didn't have any Iines, dear.
-So what did you think?
-You were great.
-What did they say at the show?
-I think they Iiked me.
-Of course they Iiked you.
-It was Iike watching Joe GaragioIa.
This one is Roy smiIing at something I said right there.
I remember when he did that.
I saw that.
That was great.
They Iiked you.
Oh, God, yeah, all right, come on!
It's a TV show, that's all it is.
We couId bIow that one up.
That one couId get me in.
Ray!
-I was just taIking to Kevin-- -Look at this.
Ally drew another picture of our famiIy...
and she still says that these monsters aren't your parents.
All right.
So maybe they're not.
Ray, this one is baId, and this one's carrying a covered dish.
You know what?
Save that.
Someday a therapist may want to see it.
Listen, I was just taIking to Kevin...
and Harvey Johnson's going to be out again tomorrow...
so they want me to do the show again.
I thought it was just a one-time deaI.
Things went pretty well there.
Everybody seemed to Iike it, so I figured, why not?
Hey, great.
Yeah, that's really great.
-What?
-Nothing.
-You're pursing your Iips.
What's wrong?
-I'm not pursing.
What?
No.
Okay.
Okay, it's just maybe before the next show, you couId...
just practice a few words you kind of had just a IittIe bit of troubIe saying.
-Like what?
What are you taIking about?
-No, don't get so excited.
-This is not a big deaI.
-Come on, I'm going to be on teIevision.
Okay, Iook.
Asterisk.
You were taIking about some record that had an asterisk next to it....
Yeah.
Asterisk.
Well, come on.
Asterix.
Asterix.
-I said "asterix" on teIevision!
-That's ok.
No, it's ok.
-Just "asterisk."
-Asterix.
-Asterisk.
-Asterix.
-Aster-- -Shut up.
I know!
-Stop showing off.
-All right.
Sorry.
You know what?
It'd be easier if you just break it into two parts.
Aster, risk.
Aster, risk.
-Asterisk.
-Asterix.
Nobody even cares.
Next time that word comes up, maybe just say...
-IittIe star.
-What eIse?
What other words?
Well...
-you're asking me, right?
-Yeah?
-You're asking me.
-Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm axing you.
-Yeah, ask.
Sometimes you say....
-Ax.
Ax, oh, man!
No, honey, come on.
You just got to practice those words.
Just practice those words.
Why didn't you tell me this?
You shouId've toId me the first time I axed you something.
I never thought you were going to be on teIevision.
You know what we couId do?
Let's put them all in a sentence.
Say: "I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."
Cinnamom.
Cinnamom.
Oh, my God, I'm a monkey.
Did I say cinnamom on the show?
No, it's just a good thing to know for when we're at the IHOP.
Come on, "I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."
-I asked you....
-Good.
...to put the asterisk with the cinnamom.
All right, you know what?
No more IHOP.
Ray, it's just those coupIe of words, that's all.
-You were really....
You were great.
-You toId me.
I beIieved you.
-No, really, honey, you were terrific.
-Oh, don't.
Sorry I axed.
-Hi.
-Hi, dear, you hungry?
-No.
-Sit down, I'll make you a sandwich.
-Ally gave you one of her paintings?
-Yeah.
Look how big we are compared to the rest of the famiIy.
Yeah, that's great.
Listen.
You guys ever notice that I say certain words funny?
What do you mean?
Like "gIockenspieI" or "tushy"?
Not funny words, Dad.
Do I mispronounce words?
I'm just asking.
I think you speak beautifully, dear.
Why?
What's wrong?
Debra thought I had troubIe on the show Iast night with certain words.
That's ridicuIous.
It sounds Iike she's being a IittIe nitpicky.
Yeah?
So you really think I was all right Iast night?
-Yeah.
-Oh, good.
-'Cause I'm going to do it again tonight.
-They want you back?
What does that mean?
Nothing.
It's just that we thought it was over.
So you did notice the words.
Listen, you got bigger probIems than your IittIe words there.
Like what?
Like scratching the microphone.
Nobody couId hear what the hell was going on!
At Ieast the scratching kept him from waving his hands around...
Iike he was Ianding pIanes.
-The microphone was much worse.
-No.
It seemed Iike he'd never been on teIevision before.
He's never been on teIevision, but he's had his hands his whoIe Iife.
The microphone was much more annoying!
Ray, which is more annoying?
This or this?
I did that?
Yeah.
Now that you mention it, your voice was kind of monotonous.
I didn't mention that.
You tended to drone on and on, dear.
It was very off-putting.
-Oh, my God!
-You see?
Like that.
Most peopIe wouId say, "My God!"
You got to try and make your voice go up and down more.
High and Iow.
I wouId absoIuteIy Iove a nice dill pickIe.
PickIe, Marie.
Okay, so Iet me get this straight, Dad.
Everything you said after the show Iast night was a Iie...
and behind my back, you've been taIking about how bad I was.
You think I stunk.
You think I stunk!
What difference does it make what we think?
They asked you back!
Keep in mind the things we toId you because I got to see peopIe during the day.
Oh, my God.
The supermarket.
You Iie to me.
You Iie to me, and you do it so well!
How Iong has this been going on?
Three weeks.
Look at you.
Oh, my God!
You've been Iying to me my whoIe Iife, haven't you? "
Raymond, you're such a great writer, you couId've been writing poetry."
How about in high schooI, Ma? "
Don't worry, the girIs don't know what they're missing."
They knew!
They knew, and they didn't miss it.
How about this, Ma?
Were you Iying when you said: "The day you were born was the happiest day of our Iives."
No.
That's true.
It was.
Don't eat that now, Robert.
-What's going on?
-They've been Iying to us our whoIe Iives.
Every time they ever tried to make us feeI good about ourseIves.
When did that happen to me?
Honey, I'm sure we Iied to you pIenty of times.
You got to get your own pIace, man.
Don't be silly.
We Iove having you here.
Oh, my God!
Ray, we toId you, you were a good writer...
so that you wouId think you were a good writer, see?
Then somebody gave you a job.
That's what parents do.
They all Iie to their kids for their own good.
Other parents aren't Iying, Ma.
They beIieve in their chiIdren.
No, they don't.
Well, that's it, okay?
No more Iies, all right?
-Don't heIp me anymore.
-That was good.
High and Iow.
Use that on the show tonight.
Oh, my God, I can't beIieve I got to do a show now.
You'll be wonderfuI, dear.
PIease, no more Iies.
They say that because the pros can hit it so far...
that they shouId Iengthen the Iength of all the courses, and...
you know, I know I'm probabIy droning on here...
but what about tradition?
There's aIways tradition and history and...
stuff, and I know...
I support the changes in baseball, but...
Iook, Iet me ax, ask you something here.
Sports sometimes shouId adopt, adapt...
adapt and grow, but aren't there times that a sport shouIdn't adopt, adapt...
and not grow.
ProbabIy not grow.
Oh, hi, honey.
It didn't go very well, did it?
Not your best moment there, Raymond.
-What are you doing?
-We're being honest.
You said that's what you wanted.
I couId've eaten a box of AIpha-Bits and crapped a better interview.
Well, what did you think?
Honey, I begged you to say "IittIe star."
It was even worse than Iast time.
You made me hate TV.
Want me to pIay it back for you, Raymond?
All right.
Come on, I want you to be honest, but it couIdn't have been all bad.
Dad, I made my voice go high and Iow Iike you said.
That didn't work.
What about my IittIe Steinbrenner joke?
It wasn't funny.
It's not nice to hurt other peopIe's feeIings.
-Well, what about this?
-This is funny.
All right, come on.
It couId've been....
There had to be something there.
I sat there, and....
Come on.
Come on!
-I thought there were a Iot of good things.
-Yeah?
Like, those other guys are so...
poIished and professionaI, and you were really human.
But what about what I said, though?
Did it make sense?
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
I got some of it.
-So I mean, it wasn't a totaI disaster.
-Not at all.
How many totaI disasters are there?
Ray, the fact that you couId go on Iive teIevision...
with such IittIe experience.
That really says a Iot.
You were great, dear.
At Ieast I tried it, right?
I mean, it's better to try than to...
-not try.
-Yes!
You got to get in there.
Try new things...
-expand your experiences.
You were so-- -Okay!
Thanks.
Better than Broadway.
I got some makeup on.
I'm going to take the makeup off and then I'll come back.
Okay, yeah.
You were so good.
I bet they have you back on again.
-I'm sure they will.
-Yeah.
It's all about you, Raymond.
Robert.
I don't think that was a totaI disaster.
Well, how many totaI disasters are there?