TV-Serie: Family Guy - 23x3
♪ It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely?
♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's a family guy!
♪ Synced and corrected by naFraC - www.addic7ed.com - Good morning.
I've come down to this floor because corporate has figured out a new revenue stream: Giving tours of the brewery.
And Peter, I've chosen you for the job.
That's great!
Let me just call my old boss and tell him to shove it.
Hello?
Mr.
Lloyd?
This is Peter Griffin.
I quit.
And I never sent in my pledge for your niece's Stand Up to Cancer 5K.
How's your niece, by the way, she doing all right?
Very sick.
Ah, terrific.
It was an honor just to help.
Now, here's everything you'll need to be a tour guide, a blazer five people hung themselves in, khakis that look dirty no matter how many times you wash them, and a wet, brown banana for lunch.
Awesome.
I love telling people where to go, like when I cased that McDonald's for The Hamburglar.
There.
At 11:45, they take the grease traps out the back door.
You sneak in and take all the hamburgers you want.
Robble, robble.
Hey, man, I thought you wanted to score some hamburgers.
These kids don't have to die, man.
Robble.
Robble.
Okay, take it easy.
Be cool.
I don't want any robble.
Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin, and welcome to the brewery tour.
All right, quick quiz.
How many of you have heard of beer before?
Wow, half.
That's pretty good.
You can get a little closer, gang, I don't bite.
Ow!
Too close!
And we're proud to say that Pawtucket Ale is responsible for 99% of all DUIs in Rhode Island.
Fascinating.
Shouldn't you be doing the news?
Oh, no, we're doing a "Best of News Bloopers."
Now, an update.
Apparently, the "Touth Sower" has just collapsed.
Tou... "
Touth Sower?"
What? "
Touth... "
Okay, let's go again.
I'm Tom Tower...
Holy crap.
And now, please enjoy a virtual reality experience about our founder, Pawtucket Pat, in these headsets that are definitely clean.
Hi, I'm Casey Affleck, aka Pawtucket Pat.
I signed this contract, then learned it filmed the same day as Ben and J.Lo's wedding.
Yet another great decision by ol' Case.
You'll cut that, right?
Pawtucket Pat came to America from England in 1771, looking for a better life.
The seas were very rough.
Pretty realistic, right?
When Pat finally reached the shore, the natives welcomed him with a flurry of arrows to his colonial penis.
Dear God, why's we experiencing this?
Please save your questions for the end.
In 1776, Pat refused to sign the Declaration of Independence, saying the only thing we need independence from is wives who won't let us drink.
He left Philadelphia, uttering several anti-Italian slurs on his way out, all of which are true.
Unfortunately, he didn't realize Philadelphia is built on a platform 9,000 feet in the air.
Just take off your headsets.
The fall proved to be fatal.
And right before Pawtucket Pat died, he pooped his pants.
We have pants available in the gift shop.
Okay, so now how many of you know what beer is?
So we did learn.
Great.
Okay, before we wrap it up, any questions?
Yes?
How come Jeff Bezos wears that big, weird cowboy hat when he rides his spaceship?
I don't know, Joe.
Well, that's the tour, folks.
Please either tip me or shamefully avoid eye contact on the way out.
Coward.
Coward.
Coward.
Coward.
Friggin' cheapskate.
Griffin, I'm glad I caught you.
There's a VIP who wants a tour of the brewery, and it's a bit of a sensitive matter.
It's Brett Kavanaugh.
Brett Ratner?
No.
That's Brett Ratner.
Brett Favre?
No.
That's a different scumbag Brett.
I'm talking about the Supreme Court Justice.
He'd like the tour, and I don't want a spectacle.
Sure.
I don't got a problem with anyone except Jennifer Connelly's husband.
I love beer!
That's him now.
Hello, your judgesty, Peter Griffin.
Hey, just call me Brett.
All right, guys, skedaddle.
I'm so pumped.
I've toured every brewery in the country except this one.
I love beer!
Yeah, you've screamed that twice now.
I scream it all the time.
It's kind of how I got my job.
Me, too.
That's awesome.
Tour time.
I love beer!
Then you'll love all the dull trivia behind it.
Peter, I don't want some normie dork tour.
Look at us.
We're bloated kindred spirits.
We even look alike.
We're in love with the same mistress, Peter.
And you know everything about her: Her moods, her little whims, her musk.
Show me her world, Peter.
Show me your...
beer.
Double keg stand.
Are there any chicks watching?
No.
Even better, just guys.
One thing I do know, beer can only be drunk in an upright body position.
Uh, Keith?
I'm gonna ask you to turn around for a sec.
You're gonna feel pretty silly.
Yes.
We got to experience what it's like to be beer.
And we drank our own pee in the can.
No, we didn't.
Right.
No, yeah, right.
Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool for a Supreme Court justice.
That's all I want people to say.
Last one in's a rotten egg!
I will not be a rotten egg.
Bro, let's see who can get the reddest the fastest.
I'm very drunk, Peter.
There are a lot of yous.
I see a lot of yous.
Synchronized swimming?
You know it.
All people want to do is scream at me in steakhouses about women's bodies.
Yeah.
My wife hates you, which kind of makes me secretly like you.
Hey, Brett?
Do you think that we'll still be friends at college?
I don't know, man.
Oh, my God, we were super drunk last night.
Did I accidentally kill Brett Kavanaugh? "
Dear Peter, why did you accidentally kill me? "
Just kidding.
I don't want my life anymore. "
You take it.
Brett. "
PS, this is the first time I've ever put clothes on anyone "without their consent.
Ha, ha, ha."
Justice Kavanaugh?
It's him.
Did you guys see that chick in accounting?
Boy, I'd like to hustle her up some stairs against her will.
It's really him.
Let's get him back to the Supreme Court of the United States of America, where he serves a lifetime appointment as one of only nine Senate-confirmed justices.
It's so cool that a guy named Brett gets to decide if women can have abortions.
So, anyone watch anything interesting last night?
I'm finally gonna say something.
Or would it be weird, after 30 years, if the first thing I say is, "I like Shark Tank"?
You can do this, Clarence.
Here goes.
There he is.
Hey, Kavanaugh.
Sorry I'm late.
The steps outside are perfect for a slinky.
Ah, I love your refreshing honesty, Brett.
Dears, can I get a cup of coffee?
Brett, we're Justices Sotomayor and Barrett.
Right, sorry.
Hon, coffee?
No, I'm Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.
Yes, and I will definitely remember your name and not butcher it relentlessly going forward.
Toots, coffee?
Stick it, Brett.
I'm Justice Elena Kagan.
Ha-cha-cha.
Okay, ready for our morning introduction?
Gathered together from Harvard and Yale, except the last lady Trump appointed, are the most boring forces of good ever assembled.
John Roberts.
Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito.
Elena Kagan.
Get a visible car, bitch.
Sonya Sotomayor is Aquaman in this, I guess.
And the Wonder Twins, Barrett and Brown Jackson.
We hate each other, though.
With their space monkey, Kavanaugh.
It's me, Peter.
Ah.
They're trying not to die until someone from their party is president.
These are the Supreme Friends.
All right, let's pick a case.
We've got a bakery that won't bake a cake for a gay wedding, a bakery that won't bake a cake for a trans anniversary, a bakery that won't bake a cake for a dog's birthday...
Is it just all people mad about cakes?
It's mostly cakes, yes.
Although there is this case, Hometown Buffet v.
Peter Griffin.
If the steaming hot dog water is on the buffet table, it is part of the buffet.
What'll it be, fellas?
Three beers.
Sorry, can't.
We're all out.
What?
How is that possible? "
The Kav" drank it all.
Ugh.
Brett Kavanaugh.
I hate that guy.
Me, too.
'Sup, I'm the Kav.
Mind if I sit down?
Kind of.
Come on, I know my reputation, but can't we have one beer?
Fine.
One beer.
You guys play golf?
Occasionally.
You ever hit the ball and it doesn't go where you thought it would?
Sometimes.
You ever putt and it just, like, misses?
Yeah, I've missed a putt or two.
You ever get stuck in a sand trap and you can't stop crying 'cause deep down you know your dad hates you?
Brett Kavanaugh, you're all right.
Guys, we got to party together.
This weekend?
Squee's mom's beach house?
Sounds epic.
Party at the shore.
What's the stair situation there?
There's a flight of stairs to get in.
Okay, we should probably Airbnb another place.
Still in.
100% in.
Well, we can figure that out later as a group.
Therefore, in order to qualify for a hardship exemption under Section 7545-09BI...
Guys, I think I have a way to make this more interesting.
With regard to the claim o forum non conveniens...
Boo!
We're not turning for that.
♪ Tastes like strawberries ♪ ♪ On a summer evening ♪ ♪ And it sounds just like a song ♪ ♪ I want more berries ♪ ♪ And that summer feeling ♪ ♪ It's so wonderful and warm ♪ ♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪ ♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪ That was a great idea, everybody.
Let's take lunch.
Hey, how about today we eat at the mall?
Okay, Clarence, there's never gonna be a better setup to make your "Supreme Food Court" joke.
Here goes.
If we're going to the mall, how about we eat at the Supreme Food Court?
It's like he heard my thoughts.
That's right, Clarence.
I can hear thoughts.
But it only works on white-haired black guys.
Do you want to know how Danny Glover really felt about Mel Gibson?
Lois, what's going on with...
My hair?
My beard?
Because you took a lifetime appointment in Washington, I'm doing everything.
Sorry I haven't had a second to wax and dye myself.
That'll make him want to come back.
Lois, this is the first time in our marriage I've ever done anything for me.
What?
I've let you drink with your friends at a bar every night for the last 22 years.
Oh, I just knew you'd hold that against me at some point.
Peter, if you took it seriously, being on the Supreme Court is a huge opportunity.
Hmm.
How so?
The New York Times is reporting that tomorrow the court's hearing a case to repeal gay marriage.
They are?
You could help save the families of millions of gay Americans.
You know, Brian's right.
I am tired of your shenanigans, but this, this is a chance to do some real good.
Would you stop playing with filters and listen?
Okay, I've taken my filters off.
Peter...
I've just been drinking a lot of water.
Do you, uh...
Do you have an OnlyFans?
I just sent you a DM.
My wish list is in my bio.
All right, Brett, we're deadlocked four to four.
Are you going to vote to repeal gay marriage or not?
Okay, so "yes" means no gay marriage?
Yes.
And "no" means yes gay marriage?
Yes.
Do you mean "yes" as in "no" or "no" as in "yes"?
God, Kavanaugh, you're like a dog with a bone with this "no means yes" stuff.
Gay marriage, what is your decision?
Well, Alito's right, the Constitution says nothing to protect gay marriage.
Yes!
Fetuses will be so psyched to hear that.
But also, all people are equal under the law, which is why we must not only ban gay marriage, we have to ban straight marriage.
Then let's do it!
I hate my crazy wife!
I did it.
I spoke.
Clarence, you forgot your lunch.
Thanks, baby.
Ugh.
It sucks that this is the only hat to overthrow democracy in.
This is absurd.
We can't ban all marriage.
The whole point of not being gay is to get extra stuff.
Sam, say I invite you out for a beer right now.
Could you do it or would you have to ask?
I'd have to ask.
Ask to have a beer?
How is that freedom?
You know what freedom is?
Imagine you can't forget your anniversary.
Imagine it's illegal to have in-laws.
Imagine a whole bathroom sink with just a toothbrush on it.
This sounds sexist.
Imagine a bar of soap in the shower with no pubes on it.
Touché.
You know, this would stop everyone from asking, "How come she's not married?"
I just need one more vote.
Roberts?
I don't know.
No more wedding cakes means no more lawsuits.
We'd be done by 11:00 every day the rest of our lives.
In.
We did it, guys.
We changed the way everything works without asking anyone, just like America wants.
You got to love small beach towns with no economic opportunities.
They should have a wet undies contest for guys.
Shut up, Joe.
Men should not say "undies."
And the winner of $18 and a free base-level car wash is...
Diana DiGuacamo!
What?
That's insane!
Whoa, Kav.
What the hell?
Amber should have won.
Why are you so mad?
Diana had the nicest bazongas.
Look at the banner, Glenn.
It's not a nicest bazongas contest, it's a wet T-shirt contest.
And Amber's shirt was the wettest.
But, Brett, surely the spirit of the tilt is to reward the most comely bosom.
Then why have T-shirts at all?
Why not just hand the trophy to the woman with the biggest milk monsters?
Kav, you're spitting little pieces of barf absolutely everywhere.
Wet T-shirt contests have rules.
That's all that separates us from animals.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I just need to make a brief, passionate speech.
Okay, I'll come back.
I like rules.
And I like beer.
And I used to think I had to choose between making arbitrary regulations that govern every aspect of everyone's life and getting blackout drunk 24/7, but I don't have to choose.
I can do both.
I can do both!
Uh, Brett, you're peeing on yourself.
Guys, I got to get back to DC.
But first, let's write down everything in our calendars that happened the last three days.
Why?
So 30 years from now, we can prove we didn't rape anyone.
Wait, how would an old, handwritten calendar prove anything?
Trust me, it's enough.
Adios, bros.
That guy was a little creepy, even for me.
Thanks for coming to help me, Brian.
I can't believe they chose you to write a Supreme Court opinion.
They must really trust you.
Actually, I was the last judge to say "not it."
Gorsuch said "not it infinity" at the beginning of the day, so he was immune.
What can I do?
Send Lauren Boebert a "You up?"
text?
She's already blocked my number.
Sir, I've written my opinion.
Is this a joke?
No.
Even though Tom Cruise smiles all the time, he is incapable of joking, sir.
Kavanaugh, I've had it with you.
You're constantly late, drunk, and somehow don't even know the basics of the law.
I've never done this before, nor do I have the authority to do so, but you're fired.
That's not Brett Kavanaugh!
I am.
And I can prove it.
No, that's okay.
Now that you're both in front of me, it's glaringly obvious.
We should really get seats that face each other.
Now that that distraction's out of the way, let's get back to banning only gay marriage, like the Founding Fathers intended.
Sir, you need to leave.
I just need to say one thing.
Sure, I'll work around your schedule.
Okay, so I'm not a judge, but let's talk about the Founding Fathers.
If a guy who was five feet tall, had a mouthful of wooden teeth, and pooped in a flowerpot walked in here right now, would you say, "Let's do everything he says"?
Or, "Maybe we can think of something better"?
You really want to stick it to gay people?
I mean, that's kind of why the Federalist Society put me here, yeah.
Then why let gay people sleep in, have their own bathrooms, and eat every meal at a bistro?
Why should gays get to wear white jeans, host the Tonys and have endless casual sex?
You want to take away their freedom?
Let them get married.
Huh.
Maybe you're not an idiot.
I'm not, I'm-I'm just a visual learner.
A toast to Peter Griffin, who brought some common sense to this court.
I didn't.
Beer did.
Thanks, booze.
Hey, this is non-alcoholic.
I've learned my lesson.
I've listened, grown and changed.
I swear on the Bible.
Son of a bitch slipped me a Mickey.
I'm proud of you, Peter.
I don't know how you did it, but you preserved gay marriage.
Oh, I just told them how happy we are, and how everyone deserves that for themselves.
Aw.
Well, like every political figure with a conflicted conscience in movies, I now have to go spend a night at the Lincoln Memorial.
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
Did they invent bulletproof theater helmets yet?
No, we just accept that anyone could get shot anywhere at any time.
Well, as long as my beloved Republican party is still upholding the traditions of Honest Abe.
Synced and corrected by naFraC - www.addic7ed.com -
♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's a family guy!
♪ Synced and corrected by naFraC - www.addic7ed.com - Good morning.
I've come down to this floor because corporate has figured out a new revenue stream: Giving tours of the brewery.
And Peter, I've chosen you for the job.
That's great!
Let me just call my old boss and tell him to shove it.
Hello?
Mr.
Lloyd?
This is Peter Griffin.
I quit.
And I never sent in my pledge for your niece's Stand Up to Cancer 5K.
How's your niece, by the way, she doing all right?
Very sick.
Ah, terrific.
It was an honor just to help.
Now, here's everything you'll need to be a tour guide, a blazer five people hung themselves in, khakis that look dirty no matter how many times you wash them, and a wet, brown banana for lunch.
Awesome.
I love telling people where to go, like when I cased that McDonald's for The Hamburglar.
There.
At 11:45, they take the grease traps out the back door.
You sneak in and take all the hamburgers you want.
Robble, robble.
Hey, man, I thought you wanted to score some hamburgers.
These kids don't have to die, man.
Robble.
Robble.
Okay, take it easy.
Be cool.
I don't want any robble.
Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin, and welcome to the brewery tour.
All right, quick quiz.
How many of you have heard of beer before?
Wow, half.
That's pretty good.
You can get a little closer, gang, I don't bite.
Ow!
Too close!
And we're proud to say that Pawtucket Ale is responsible for 99% of all DUIs in Rhode Island.
Fascinating.
Shouldn't you be doing the news?
Oh, no, we're doing a "Best of News Bloopers."
Now, an update.
Apparently, the "Touth Sower" has just collapsed.
Tou... "
Touth Sower?"
What? "
Touth... "
Okay, let's go again.
I'm Tom Tower...
Holy crap.
And now, please enjoy a virtual reality experience about our founder, Pawtucket Pat, in these headsets that are definitely clean.
Hi, I'm Casey Affleck, aka Pawtucket Pat.
I signed this contract, then learned it filmed the same day as Ben and J.Lo's wedding.
Yet another great decision by ol' Case.
You'll cut that, right?
Pawtucket Pat came to America from England in 1771, looking for a better life.
The seas were very rough.
Pretty realistic, right?
When Pat finally reached the shore, the natives welcomed him with a flurry of arrows to his colonial penis.
Dear God, why's we experiencing this?
Please save your questions for the end.
In 1776, Pat refused to sign the Declaration of Independence, saying the only thing we need independence from is wives who won't let us drink.
He left Philadelphia, uttering several anti-Italian slurs on his way out, all of which are true.
Unfortunately, he didn't realize Philadelphia is built on a platform 9,000 feet in the air.
Just take off your headsets.
The fall proved to be fatal.
And right before Pawtucket Pat died, he pooped his pants.
We have pants available in the gift shop.
Okay, so now how many of you know what beer is?
So we did learn.
Great.
Okay, before we wrap it up, any questions?
Yes?
How come Jeff Bezos wears that big, weird cowboy hat when he rides his spaceship?
I don't know, Joe.
Well, that's the tour, folks.
Please either tip me or shamefully avoid eye contact on the way out.
Coward.
Coward.
Coward.
Coward.
Friggin' cheapskate.
Griffin, I'm glad I caught you.
There's a VIP who wants a tour of the brewery, and it's a bit of a sensitive matter.
It's Brett Kavanaugh.
Brett Ratner?
No.
That's Brett Ratner.
Brett Favre?
No.
That's a different scumbag Brett.
I'm talking about the Supreme Court Justice.
He'd like the tour, and I don't want a spectacle.
Sure.
I don't got a problem with anyone except Jennifer Connelly's husband.
I love beer!
That's him now.
Hello, your judgesty, Peter Griffin.
Hey, just call me Brett.
All right, guys, skedaddle.
I'm so pumped.
I've toured every brewery in the country except this one.
I love beer!
Yeah, you've screamed that twice now.
I scream it all the time.
It's kind of how I got my job.
Me, too.
That's awesome.
Tour time.
I love beer!
Then you'll love all the dull trivia behind it.
Peter, I don't want some normie dork tour.
Look at us.
We're bloated kindred spirits.
We even look alike.
We're in love with the same mistress, Peter.
And you know everything about her: Her moods, her little whims, her musk.
Show me her world, Peter.
Show me your...
beer.
Double keg stand.
Are there any chicks watching?
No.
Even better, just guys.
One thing I do know, beer can only be drunk in an upright body position.
Uh, Keith?
I'm gonna ask you to turn around for a sec.
You're gonna feel pretty silly.
Yes.
We got to experience what it's like to be beer.
And we drank our own pee in the can.
No, we didn't.
Right.
No, yeah, right.
Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool for a Supreme Court justice.
That's all I want people to say.
Last one in's a rotten egg!
I will not be a rotten egg.
Bro, let's see who can get the reddest the fastest.
I'm very drunk, Peter.
There are a lot of yous.
I see a lot of yous.
Synchronized swimming?
You know it.
All people want to do is scream at me in steakhouses about women's bodies.
Yeah.
My wife hates you, which kind of makes me secretly like you.
Hey, Brett?
Do you think that we'll still be friends at college?
I don't know, man.
Oh, my God, we were super drunk last night.
Did I accidentally kill Brett Kavanaugh? "
Dear Peter, why did you accidentally kill me? "
Just kidding.
I don't want my life anymore. "
You take it.
Brett. "
PS, this is the first time I've ever put clothes on anyone "without their consent.
Ha, ha, ha."
Justice Kavanaugh?
It's him.
Did you guys see that chick in accounting?
Boy, I'd like to hustle her up some stairs against her will.
It's really him.
Let's get him back to the Supreme Court of the United States of America, where he serves a lifetime appointment as one of only nine Senate-confirmed justices.
It's so cool that a guy named Brett gets to decide if women can have abortions.
So, anyone watch anything interesting last night?
I'm finally gonna say something.
Or would it be weird, after 30 years, if the first thing I say is, "I like Shark Tank"?
You can do this, Clarence.
Here goes.
There he is.
Hey, Kavanaugh.
Sorry I'm late.
The steps outside are perfect for a slinky.
Ah, I love your refreshing honesty, Brett.
Dears, can I get a cup of coffee?
Brett, we're Justices Sotomayor and Barrett.
Right, sorry.
Hon, coffee?
No, I'm Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.
Yes, and I will definitely remember your name and not butcher it relentlessly going forward.
Toots, coffee?
Stick it, Brett.
I'm Justice Elena Kagan.
Ha-cha-cha.
Okay, ready for our morning introduction?
Gathered together from Harvard and Yale, except the last lady Trump appointed, are the most boring forces of good ever assembled.
John Roberts.
Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito.
Elena Kagan.
Get a visible car, bitch.
Sonya Sotomayor is Aquaman in this, I guess.
And the Wonder Twins, Barrett and Brown Jackson.
We hate each other, though.
With their space monkey, Kavanaugh.
It's me, Peter.
Ah.
They're trying not to die until someone from their party is president.
These are the Supreme Friends.
All right, let's pick a case.
We've got a bakery that won't bake a cake for a gay wedding, a bakery that won't bake a cake for a trans anniversary, a bakery that won't bake a cake for a dog's birthday...
Is it just all people mad about cakes?
It's mostly cakes, yes.
Although there is this case, Hometown Buffet v.
Peter Griffin.
If the steaming hot dog water is on the buffet table, it is part of the buffet.
What'll it be, fellas?
Three beers.
Sorry, can't.
We're all out.
What?
How is that possible? "
The Kav" drank it all.
Ugh.
Brett Kavanaugh.
I hate that guy.
Me, too.
'Sup, I'm the Kav.
Mind if I sit down?
Kind of.
Come on, I know my reputation, but can't we have one beer?
Fine.
One beer.
You guys play golf?
Occasionally.
You ever hit the ball and it doesn't go where you thought it would?
Sometimes.
You ever putt and it just, like, misses?
Yeah, I've missed a putt or two.
You ever get stuck in a sand trap and you can't stop crying 'cause deep down you know your dad hates you?
Brett Kavanaugh, you're all right.
Guys, we got to party together.
This weekend?
Squee's mom's beach house?
Sounds epic.
Party at the shore.
What's the stair situation there?
There's a flight of stairs to get in.
Okay, we should probably Airbnb another place.
Still in.
100% in.
Well, we can figure that out later as a group.
Therefore, in order to qualify for a hardship exemption under Section 7545-09BI...
Guys, I think I have a way to make this more interesting.
With regard to the claim o forum non conveniens...
Boo!
We're not turning for that.
♪ Tastes like strawberries ♪ ♪ On a summer evening ♪ ♪ And it sounds just like a song ♪ ♪ I want more berries ♪ ♪ And that summer feeling ♪ ♪ It's so wonderful and warm ♪ ♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪ ♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪ That was a great idea, everybody.
Let's take lunch.
Hey, how about today we eat at the mall?
Okay, Clarence, there's never gonna be a better setup to make your "Supreme Food Court" joke.
Here goes.
If we're going to the mall, how about we eat at the Supreme Food Court?
It's like he heard my thoughts.
That's right, Clarence.
I can hear thoughts.
But it only works on white-haired black guys.
Do you want to know how Danny Glover really felt about Mel Gibson?
Lois, what's going on with...
My hair?
My beard?
Because you took a lifetime appointment in Washington, I'm doing everything.
Sorry I haven't had a second to wax and dye myself.
That'll make him want to come back.
Lois, this is the first time in our marriage I've ever done anything for me.
What?
I've let you drink with your friends at a bar every night for the last 22 years.
Oh, I just knew you'd hold that against me at some point.
Peter, if you took it seriously, being on the Supreme Court is a huge opportunity.
Hmm.
How so?
The New York Times is reporting that tomorrow the court's hearing a case to repeal gay marriage.
They are?
You could help save the families of millions of gay Americans.
You know, Brian's right.
I am tired of your shenanigans, but this, this is a chance to do some real good.
Would you stop playing with filters and listen?
Okay, I've taken my filters off.
Peter...
I've just been drinking a lot of water.
Do you, uh...
Do you have an OnlyFans?
I just sent you a DM.
My wish list is in my bio.
All right, Brett, we're deadlocked four to four.
Are you going to vote to repeal gay marriage or not?
Okay, so "yes" means no gay marriage?
Yes.
And "no" means yes gay marriage?
Yes.
Do you mean "yes" as in "no" or "no" as in "yes"?
God, Kavanaugh, you're like a dog with a bone with this "no means yes" stuff.
Gay marriage, what is your decision?
Well, Alito's right, the Constitution says nothing to protect gay marriage.
Yes!
Fetuses will be so psyched to hear that.
But also, all people are equal under the law, which is why we must not only ban gay marriage, we have to ban straight marriage.
Then let's do it!
I hate my crazy wife!
I did it.
I spoke.
Clarence, you forgot your lunch.
Thanks, baby.
Ugh.
It sucks that this is the only hat to overthrow democracy in.
This is absurd.
We can't ban all marriage.
The whole point of not being gay is to get extra stuff.
Sam, say I invite you out for a beer right now.
Could you do it or would you have to ask?
I'd have to ask.
Ask to have a beer?
How is that freedom?
You know what freedom is?
Imagine you can't forget your anniversary.
Imagine it's illegal to have in-laws.
Imagine a whole bathroom sink with just a toothbrush on it.
This sounds sexist.
Imagine a bar of soap in the shower with no pubes on it.
Touché.
You know, this would stop everyone from asking, "How come she's not married?"
I just need one more vote.
Roberts?
I don't know.
No more wedding cakes means no more lawsuits.
We'd be done by 11:00 every day the rest of our lives.
In.
We did it, guys.
We changed the way everything works without asking anyone, just like America wants.
You got to love small beach towns with no economic opportunities.
They should have a wet undies contest for guys.
Shut up, Joe.
Men should not say "undies."
And the winner of $18 and a free base-level car wash is...
Diana DiGuacamo!
What?
That's insane!
Whoa, Kav.
What the hell?
Amber should have won.
Why are you so mad?
Diana had the nicest bazongas.
Look at the banner, Glenn.
It's not a nicest bazongas contest, it's a wet T-shirt contest.
And Amber's shirt was the wettest.
But, Brett, surely the spirit of the tilt is to reward the most comely bosom.
Then why have T-shirts at all?
Why not just hand the trophy to the woman with the biggest milk monsters?
Kav, you're spitting little pieces of barf absolutely everywhere.
Wet T-shirt contests have rules.
That's all that separates us from animals.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I just need to make a brief, passionate speech.
Okay, I'll come back.
I like rules.
And I like beer.
And I used to think I had to choose between making arbitrary regulations that govern every aspect of everyone's life and getting blackout drunk 24/7, but I don't have to choose.
I can do both.
I can do both!
Uh, Brett, you're peeing on yourself.
Guys, I got to get back to DC.
But first, let's write down everything in our calendars that happened the last three days.
Why?
So 30 years from now, we can prove we didn't rape anyone.
Wait, how would an old, handwritten calendar prove anything?
Trust me, it's enough.
Adios, bros.
That guy was a little creepy, even for me.
Thanks for coming to help me, Brian.
I can't believe they chose you to write a Supreme Court opinion.
They must really trust you.
Actually, I was the last judge to say "not it."
Gorsuch said "not it infinity" at the beginning of the day, so he was immune.
What can I do?
Send Lauren Boebert a "You up?"
text?
She's already blocked my number.
Sir, I've written my opinion.
Is this a joke?
No.
Even though Tom Cruise smiles all the time, he is incapable of joking, sir.
Kavanaugh, I've had it with you.
You're constantly late, drunk, and somehow don't even know the basics of the law.
I've never done this before, nor do I have the authority to do so, but you're fired.
That's not Brett Kavanaugh!
I am.
And I can prove it.
No, that's okay.
Now that you're both in front of me, it's glaringly obvious.
We should really get seats that face each other.
Now that that distraction's out of the way, let's get back to banning only gay marriage, like the Founding Fathers intended.
Sir, you need to leave.
I just need to say one thing.
Sure, I'll work around your schedule.
Okay, so I'm not a judge, but let's talk about the Founding Fathers.
If a guy who was five feet tall, had a mouthful of wooden teeth, and pooped in a flowerpot walked in here right now, would you say, "Let's do everything he says"?
Or, "Maybe we can think of something better"?
You really want to stick it to gay people?
I mean, that's kind of why the Federalist Society put me here, yeah.
Then why let gay people sleep in, have their own bathrooms, and eat every meal at a bistro?
Why should gays get to wear white jeans, host the Tonys and have endless casual sex?
You want to take away their freedom?
Let them get married.
Huh.
Maybe you're not an idiot.
I'm not, I'm-I'm just a visual learner.
A toast to Peter Griffin, who brought some common sense to this court.
I didn't.
Beer did.
Thanks, booze.
Hey, this is non-alcoholic.
I've learned my lesson.
I've listened, grown and changed.
I swear on the Bible.
Son of a bitch slipped me a Mickey.
I'm proud of you, Peter.
I don't know how you did it, but you preserved gay marriage.
Oh, I just told them how happy we are, and how everyone deserves that for themselves.
Aw.
Well, like every political figure with a conflicted conscience in movies, I now have to go spend a night at the Lincoln Memorial.
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
Did they invent bulletproof theater helmets yet?
No, we just accept that anyone could get shot anywhere at any time.
Well, as long as my beloved Republican party is still upholding the traditions of Honest Abe.
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