TV-Serie: Family Guy - 21x9
{\an8}Ah, boy, do I love the Fall Festival.
{\an8}Especially how everywhere you turn {\an8}is the smell of pumpkin spice.
{\an8}Pumpkin spice.
{\an8}Sounds like a reject from a female British pop band.
{\an8}Quit tossing your scarf over your shoulder {\an8}to punctuate your jokes.
{\an8}You know what, Peter?
{\an8}I like me.
{\an8}Look, "Guess Your Weight."
{\an8}With a line that long, I'll guess my own wait: 30 minutes.
{\an8}Oop, see you in a few.
{\an8}Got scarfed up.
{\an8}No.
No, no, no.
{\an8}I don't-- I don't throw in public.
{\an8}Ugh, and I only fetch.
{\an8}All right, I'll see if I can get my money back.
{\an8}Excuse me?
{\an8}Oh, cool.
I like your tattoo.
{\an8}Oh, that?
Yeah, that's the Hormone Monstress.
{\an8}She likes sex and I like sex, so I figured {\an8}I'd permanently disfigure myself with something {\an8}I'd seen on Netflix three times.
{\an8}You like sex, huh?
{\an8}You, uh, wouldn't maybe want to grab dinner sometime?
{\an8}Nah, but I'll bang you in the porta-potty {\an8}back by the very loud generators.
{\an8}The one that smells like all different pees mixed together?
{\an8}Um, hell yes.
{\an8}See ya, Stewie.
{\an8}Wait, you're just going to {\an8}leave me here by myself?
{\an8}Look at all these ne'er-do-wells.
{\an8}When's that guy gonna do well?
Ne'er.
{\an8}Hello, carnival-goers, and welcome to "Generation Gap," {\an8}where we learn which of these parents and kids {\an8}know each other best.
{\an8}How'd you get Dad to agree to be in this?
{\an8}I rescued him from the corn maze, so he owes me.
{\an8}Yeah, he was crying.
{\an8}Okay, first question: {\an8}Parents, what does your child want to be {\an8}when they grow up?
{\an8}How did you answer, Team Number One?
{\an8}Lady NASA scientist.
{\an8}Okay, weird, and what did you say, Dad?
{\an8}Hidden Figures gal?
{\an8}Judges?
A match.
{\an8}Team Number Two?
{\an8}You both said, "Retire after {\an8}large personal injury settlement."
{\an8}Bravo.
Team Three?
{\an8}Guy who holds the "Slow" sign during road construction.
{\an8}And, Dad, you said...?
{\an8}Leprechaun.
{\an8}Ooh, our first wrong answer.
{\an8}Fat Leprechaun?
{\an8}Also incorrect.
{\an8}You may not understand the game.
{\an8}Next question: {\an8}Kids, what would your parent say is their hobby?
{\an8}Team Number One?
{\an8}Refurbishing people's {\an8}garage door openers.
{\an8}That's a match.
It's one button.
{\an8}You just got to fix one button.
{\an8}Okay, final question.
{\an8}Team Three, who is your child's favorite singer?
{\an8}The Price is Right yodeler.
{\an8}What?
No.
I said Adele.
{\an8}Judges?
{\an8}Ugh, this is more humiliating {\an8}than my first day working at that rice pilaf company.
{\an8}You know, I think we can start putting pilaf in other things.
{\an8}Lois, can I see you in my office for a second?
{\an8}I told you not to rock the boat over there.
{\an8}Oh, there you are, little dude.
{\an8}Ah, finally back from the carnival, I see.
{\an8}Ah, it was amazing.
{\an8}I got to tell you all about Amber, amigo.
{\an8}"Little dude"? "
Amigo"?
Brian, have you...
have you forgotten my name?
I don't know, I-I spent the whole afternoon drinking ethanol out of a ladle.
It's "Stewie."
Stewie, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, Amber is, like, the perfect girl for me.
How old is she, even?
Well, she's so weathered that that's a hard number to peg.
Either 27 or 61.
But the thing is, Stewie, she's leaving town with the carnival in three days, Stewie, so it's sex-sex-sex and then "adios," Stewie.
By the way, and, like, relax about this, but is abortion still legal in Rhode Island?
Peter, it was humiliating having the whole town witness you and Chris not knowing the first thing about each other.
I know the first thing about him.
It was his goopy head squishing out of you like toothpaste.
Peter, it's important a boy knows his father.
Now go up to Chris' room and talk to him.
Hey, Chris, can I talk to you for a second?
Next door over, Chief.
Roger that.
Yeah, Pop?
What's up?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Chris?
Yes?
Is there something you want, Dad?
I don't know.
Your mom sent me up here.
We-we embarrassed her in front of the town or something.
Ugh, that is so Mom, always getting mad about stuff that doesn't even matter.
Oh, my God, tell me about it.
I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing, "Peter, don't use my hair dryer to dry your anus."
Yeah, or "Chris, stop freezing bees until they fall asleep and gluing little leashes on them."
Totally.
God, I can't believe you notice this stuff, too.
Oh, you mean like how if a pair of her underpants goes missing she can't just let it go and move on?
Exactly.
Well, sounds like bonding to me.
Looks like somebody worked some pretty good mom magic.
Huh?
Where the hell are all my underpants?
Okay, place your bets.
Stewie's shoe: burn or melt?
I'm gonna say a little bit of melt, and then a lot of very quick burn.
Wow, would not have expected rainbow sparks.
Lot of chemicals near my baby's foot.
Well, look at you two getting along.
Now I wonder who made that happ-- Oh, my God, are you lighting fires in the house?
Huh.
Just what we guessed you'd say.
Yeah, it was either gonna be that or, "I'm Lois.
When I don't hit my step goals, I spin my arm around to trick my Fitbit."
Wh-What is that?
Is that supposed to be me?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe you'll recognize this one. "
I'm Mom.
I cry on the toilet as I circle things in catalogs I'll never afford."
Ah, damn it.
Look what you guys did.
All right, men, looks like Mom's got this one under control.
Now back to the station for spaghetti and a group shower.
Oh, hey, Stewie, perfect timing.
Amber, come meet Stewie.
Pass.
Ooh, he's so cute.
I just got to kidnap him, don't I?
Would you like that?
I stuff you in a duffel bag, zip it up, we're in Indiana before you know it?
Charmed.
Isn't she awesome?
You want to come inside, babe?
Nah, I'm just gonna park it here for a few hours and watch Fuller House on my stepson's cracked iPad.
I'm telling you, Stewie, this thing is all next-level sex.
The rugs in her van are just filled with crushed Froot Loops.
So, while we're doing it, I can lean over and lick the crumbs.
I'm familiar with the temptations of crushed Froot Loops, thank you.
Brian, you should know the Nextdoor app is on fire right now. "
Have you seen the van?"
"What's with the van?"
"Here's a photo of the van."
"I checked with the police and we can't get rid of the van unless we witness criminal activity."
And then just some nervous comments about the Black Amazon driver, but you get the gist.
Hurry up, gang, the movie starts soon.
What are we seeing, Mom?
Oh, something I've been waiting forever for: Penelope's Struggle starring Renée Zellweger.
The dramatic, true story of the first female carriage driver for the Queen.
That movie sounds terrible.
And, besides, Chris and I had our hearts set on seeing the re-release of You Don't Mess with the Zohan, now remastered to be 40% louder.
Oh, but, Peter, you know I always choose the movie for family movie night.
It's tradition.
Yeah, but just now I'm realizing Chris and me are two guys.
And you're only one guy.
So, technically, we can outvote you.
I'm sorry.
Out-outvote me?
But-- but what about Meg?
I-I mean, she obviously gets a vo-- All in on Zohan, bro.
My armpit is smelly and now you smell like my smelly armpit.
The whispers in this movie would be yells in other movies.
Ugh, these are basically steps, it's the same thing as steps.
You can put all that away, Lois.
Me and Chris just bought dinner at the grocery store.
The-the grocery store?
W-Without me?
Okay, so everybody gets four puddings and their own package of bologna.
But I spent all day making lasagna.
Yeah, no, our thing is more fun.
Shall we take a vote?
All in favor say "aye."
Aye.
Aye.
The "ayes" have it.
Sorry, Lois, democracy.
Oh, and we're dragging the TV into the dining room.
What?
You know that's not allowed.
Vote?
All in favor say "aye."
Aye.
Aye. "
Ayes" have it, sorry.
Kids, dinner.
Dad, can we watch The White Lotus ?
Why not?
I poop in a suitcase, I'm wrestled to the ground at LaGuardia.
That guy does it: gold statue.
Oh, boy.
What?
What is it?
Text from Amber: "We should talk about where this is going."
Man, what if she wants to get married?
Ugh, looks like I have to break things off with her.
Hey, Amber.
Listen, I got your text-- Brian, this here ain't working out.
We need to break up.
What?
You're breaking up with me?
Whoa.
Dumped by a carny.
Brutal.
Yeah, I've been thinking.
We don't really have much in common.
I mean, you don't know a single Kid Rock lyric or the names of any monster trucks.
Monst-- I-- Grave Maker, that's one.
Ah!
Grave Digger!
You're embarrassing yourself!
Come on, what's this really about?
Is this because I couldn't smash that Percocet into powder fast enough?
Goodbye, Brian.
Wow, buddy, I just want you to know that I'm...
She's stealing our mail.
She's stealing our mail!
Thanks for meeting me, guys.
I should warn you: this is gonna be a two-hands-on-the-coffee-cup conversation.
All right.
Time to get some work done.
Don't mind me.
This is screenwriting software.
You've probably never seen it before.
You guys, I don't know what to do.
I-I told Peter to bond with Chris, and he did, but now, well, it's like they've stolen all the power in the family.
Oh, no, no, no.
For a mother to remain in control of her family, she needs to make sure there are no alliances she's not a part of.
If a scene is in the sea, would you put "interior" or "exterior"?
Ah, never mind.
No alliances, huh?
What's a funny name for a boat?
Well, then, that's it.
I have to drive a wedge between Peter and Chris.
Push them back apart.
Okay, now to loudly watch this Aaron Sorkin MasterClass.
Hi, I'm Aaron Sorkin and I've been paid a lot of money to give you false hope about your ridiculous dream.
Oh, thanks, you guys.
I got this.
What the hell?
My credit card is gone. "
Dear Lois, Chris and I borrowed your credit card to shop for fireworks you would normally have to be a town to buy."
Gather all the fingers!
Ow!
All right, time to put an end to this Peter-Chris alliance.
Hey, FYI, I accidentally got in the shower with my socks on.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I just mashed them down the drain with my elbow.
Peter, we need to talk.
I just found the oddest thing in Chris' room.
It's this essay he apparently wrote for school about his hero: Joe Swanson.
Joe Swanson?
Let me see that.
Okay, th-this is actually quite long, can you just summarize it?
Chris says, "Mr.
Swanson's skewed take "on contemporary politics is painfully astute and refreshingly twisted."
That son of a bitch.
I've been like a father to that kid.
I know, right?
I mean, who does Chris think he is?
The last three pages is all about how you're aging as well as Jennifer Lopez.
Well, that's our son.
Oh, hey, Chris.
You know, I just found the oddest thing in your father's room: an essay he wrote for work about his favorite son, Charles from Charles in Charge.
What?
But Charles wasn't even one of the sons.
He was their babysitter.
I'm so sorry.
I know it must be hard to hear that your father would rather be a parent to a fictional character who the writers, in five seasons, never even bothered to give a last name-- a totally weird but true fact, feel free to Google that-- than his own son.
I hate him so much.
Wait, Dad dots all his I's with a smiley face?
Yeah, that means he's got flair.
Maybe those faces brighten his otherwise bleak day just a tiny bit.
Maybe he's known for them.
I don't know, it seems stupid and weird.
You're stupid and weird!
Now I see why your father prefers Charles Last Name Unknown.
Hello, uh, my name is Stewie, and I'm a milk-aholic.
Okay, I figured out what I got to do: I need to get back together with Amber.
What?
But I thought you were just about to break up with her.
Brian, are you sure this isn't just your wounded ego talking?
Pfft, no.
What?
No, I-I can really see us together.
There's something romantic about her style of life on the road.
Oh, really?
What's the romantic part?
Taking a whore bath in a Taco Bell restroom or peeing in a Gatorade bottle that you leave near a payphone?
You don't know what you're talking about.
Don't I?
Because I think that you can't stand that you got dumped by a carny, someone you feel is inferior to you.
Fine, you're right, okay?
I'm pissed.
That's why I'm off to win Amber back so I can dump her.
Look, man, I don't know if Lois and the fat man told you, but they found a lump on your neck.
Is this really what you want to spend your time on?
What the hell?
I thought you said we were both gonna get Mark Davis haircuts.
Who's that?
This maniac.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm talking about the voice mail you left me.
Which now I see was all just a trick to humiliate me.
I didn't leave you a voice mail.
Oh, no?
Uh, hey, Dad.
It's your son, Chris.
Hot Pockets and Fortnite.
Son of a bitch, I guess I did call you.
Hey, know what could be fun?
If we both got bowl haircuts like-- Oh, hang on.
Estrogen smoothie, please.
Sorry, I'm busy tricking my husband.
Wait a minute.
I would never trick my husband.
Dad, I think Mom may have left that message.
But why?
You think she's, like, trying to get us mad at each other?
Well, it would certainly explain the voice mail I got.
Hey, Chris, Principal Shepherd here.
So, listen, the nurse is going to press charges for you touching her breast.
I offered her the money like you said, but, well, that seemed to make it worse.
So, we either got to come up on that number or find a different plan, but methinks a lawyer is in our future.
Hmph.
Anyway, call me back, but remember the rule on these: delete, delete, delete.
Message saved.
What kind of game is Mom playing?
Brian?
What are you doing?
Amber, please take me back.
Look, I even brought you a peace offering: a pack of cigarettes and some Nicorette gum because I wasn't sure which way you wanted to go this week.
Aw, that's sweet.
I'm-a smoke and chew them both for an extra nicotine surge.
It's what carnies call "The Surf and Turf."
Well, that doesn't make much sense, but it sure is two things.
Amber, we have something special.
I want us to grow mold together.
Aw, me, too.
And I'd love to take you back, Brian, but if we're a couple, that means you'd have to be willing to come on the road and work the carnival with me.
I mean, that's my life.
Of course.
I'm totally up for that.
Really?
Aw, that's boss!
Let's do it!
Okay, great, so you do take me back?
Well, then, as long as we're officially a couple again, I have something to say.
Amber, if you think for one second-- Oh, my gosh, Uncle Earl, you got to meet my new boyfriend Brian.
Good to meet you, Brian.
But don't you break her heart, you hear?
Last guy who treated her wrong had his scrotum nail-clippered off, then got kicked to death behind a Chick-fil-A.
I assure you, my intentions are strictly honorable.
Okay, then.
I'm just telling you this as her uncle and her ex-boyfriend.
Check it out, Chris.
Your mom tries to turn us against each other?
Well, this ought to teach her a thing or two.
Your plan is to drop a piano on Mom?
No, not at all.
See, your mother loves this piano, and by stringing it up in the air like this, she'll never be able to touch it again.
That's genius.
My plan was just to suggest something to you halfheartedly and then immediately back down like a beta.
I think we should go with my plan.
No, yeah, your-your plan is better.
Oh, hey, you two.
What's all this?
Don't play dumb, Mom.
Chris and I see you're trying to push us apart.
Yeah, we're your husband and your son and we were actually getting to know each other, but it seems like some part of you wanted that to fail.
Oh, you guys, I am so sorry.
You're right.
I guess, at first, I felt bad you were making fun of me, and then later I resented that you'd removed me entirely from any family decision-making.
But what I did was awful.
I genuinely hope you can forgive me.
Honestly, Lois, I'm not certain I will be able to excuse this.
But I pray that, with time, healing may come.
What?
You do something crazy basically once a week and I always forgive you.
Fine.
Get a Mark Davis haircut and we'll call it even.
I hate you for this, Peter.
I know.
Now let's go upstairs and have idiot sex.
Well, these last few days-- Ahh!
Son of a bitch!
Dad never took the piano down.
I think it just fell on Brian.
He has had a bad week.
Anyway, like I was saying, these last few days have been quite an adventure, but I'm just happy that everything is back to normal.
Yes.
And now I must away to the sea, and hunt down the orca that killed my Pappy.
Be careful, my love, for no one truly knows the secrets of the inky deep.
Fare thee well, my love.
As "Come Sail Away" by Styx begins to play, Peter heads off to the harbor, and we fade out.
Thank you, Mr.
Sorkin.
{\an8}Especially how everywhere you turn {\an8}is the smell of pumpkin spice.
{\an8}Pumpkin spice.
{\an8}Sounds like a reject from a female British pop band.
{\an8}Quit tossing your scarf over your shoulder {\an8}to punctuate your jokes.
{\an8}You know what, Peter?
{\an8}I like me.
{\an8}Look, "Guess Your Weight."
{\an8}With a line that long, I'll guess my own wait: 30 minutes.
{\an8}Oop, see you in a few.
{\an8}Got scarfed up.
{\an8}No.
No, no, no.
{\an8}I don't-- I don't throw in public.
{\an8}Ugh, and I only fetch.
{\an8}All right, I'll see if I can get my money back.
{\an8}Excuse me?
{\an8}Oh, cool.
I like your tattoo.
{\an8}Oh, that?
Yeah, that's the Hormone Monstress.
{\an8}She likes sex and I like sex, so I figured {\an8}I'd permanently disfigure myself with something {\an8}I'd seen on Netflix three times.
{\an8}You like sex, huh?
{\an8}You, uh, wouldn't maybe want to grab dinner sometime?
{\an8}Nah, but I'll bang you in the porta-potty {\an8}back by the very loud generators.
{\an8}The one that smells like all different pees mixed together?
{\an8}Um, hell yes.
{\an8}See ya, Stewie.
{\an8}Wait, you're just going to {\an8}leave me here by myself?
{\an8}Look at all these ne'er-do-wells.
{\an8}When's that guy gonna do well?
Ne'er.
{\an8}Hello, carnival-goers, and welcome to "Generation Gap," {\an8}where we learn which of these parents and kids {\an8}know each other best.
{\an8}How'd you get Dad to agree to be in this?
{\an8}I rescued him from the corn maze, so he owes me.
{\an8}Yeah, he was crying.
{\an8}Okay, first question: {\an8}Parents, what does your child want to be {\an8}when they grow up?
{\an8}How did you answer, Team Number One?
{\an8}Lady NASA scientist.
{\an8}Okay, weird, and what did you say, Dad?
{\an8}Hidden Figures gal?
{\an8}Judges?
A match.
{\an8}Team Number Two?
{\an8}You both said, "Retire after {\an8}large personal injury settlement."
{\an8}Bravo.
Team Three?
{\an8}Guy who holds the "Slow" sign during road construction.
{\an8}And, Dad, you said...?
{\an8}Leprechaun.
{\an8}Ooh, our first wrong answer.
{\an8}Fat Leprechaun?
{\an8}Also incorrect.
{\an8}You may not understand the game.
{\an8}Next question: {\an8}Kids, what would your parent say is their hobby?
{\an8}Team Number One?
{\an8}Refurbishing people's {\an8}garage door openers.
{\an8}That's a match.
It's one button.
{\an8}You just got to fix one button.
{\an8}Okay, final question.
{\an8}Team Three, who is your child's favorite singer?
{\an8}The Price is Right yodeler.
{\an8}What?
No.
I said Adele.
{\an8}Judges?
{\an8}Ugh, this is more humiliating {\an8}than my first day working at that rice pilaf company.
{\an8}You know, I think we can start putting pilaf in other things.
{\an8}Lois, can I see you in my office for a second?
{\an8}I told you not to rock the boat over there.
{\an8}Oh, there you are, little dude.
{\an8}Ah, finally back from the carnival, I see.
{\an8}Ah, it was amazing.
{\an8}I got to tell you all about Amber, amigo.
{\an8}"Little dude"? "
Amigo"?
Brian, have you...
have you forgotten my name?
I don't know, I-I spent the whole afternoon drinking ethanol out of a ladle.
It's "Stewie."
Stewie, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, Amber is, like, the perfect girl for me.
How old is she, even?
Well, she's so weathered that that's a hard number to peg.
Either 27 or 61.
But the thing is, Stewie, she's leaving town with the carnival in three days, Stewie, so it's sex-sex-sex and then "adios," Stewie.
By the way, and, like, relax about this, but is abortion still legal in Rhode Island?
Peter, it was humiliating having the whole town witness you and Chris not knowing the first thing about each other.
I know the first thing about him.
It was his goopy head squishing out of you like toothpaste.
Peter, it's important a boy knows his father.
Now go up to Chris' room and talk to him.
Hey, Chris, can I talk to you for a second?
Next door over, Chief.
Roger that.
Yeah, Pop?
What's up?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Chris?
Yes?
Is there something you want, Dad?
I don't know.
Your mom sent me up here.
We-we embarrassed her in front of the town or something.
Ugh, that is so Mom, always getting mad about stuff that doesn't even matter.
Oh, my God, tell me about it.
I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing, "Peter, don't use my hair dryer to dry your anus."
Yeah, or "Chris, stop freezing bees until they fall asleep and gluing little leashes on them."
Totally.
God, I can't believe you notice this stuff, too.
Oh, you mean like how if a pair of her underpants goes missing she can't just let it go and move on?
Exactly.
Well, sounds like bonding to me.
Looks like somebody worked some pretty good mom magic.
Huh?
Where the hell are all my underpants?
Okay, place your bets.
Stewie's shoe: burn or melt?
I'm gonna say a little bit of melt, and then a lot of very quick burn.
Wow, would not have expected rainbow sparks.
Lot of chemicals near my baby's foot.
Well, look at you two getting along.
Now I wonder who made that happ-- Oh, my God, are you lighting fires in the house?
Huh.
Just what we guessed you'd say.
Yeah, it was either gonna be that or, "I'm Lois.
When I don't hit my step goals, I spin my arm around to trick my Fitbit."
Wh-What is that?
Is that supposed to be me?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe you'll recognize this one. "
I'm Mom.
I cry on the toilet as I circle things in catalogs I'll never afford."
Ah, damn it.
Look what you guys did.
All right, men, looks like Mom's got this one under control.
Now back to the station for spaghetti and a group shower.
Oh, hey, Stewie, perfect timing.
Amber, come meet Stewie.
Pass.
Ooh, he's so cute.
I just got to kidnap him, don't I?
Would you like that?
I stuff you in a duffel bag, zip it up, we're in Indiana before you know it?
Charmed.
Isn't she awesome?
You want to come inside, babe?
Nah, I'm just gonna park it here for a few hours and watch Fuller House on my stepson's cracked iPad.
I'm telling you, Stewie, this thing is all next-level sex.
The rugs in her van are just filled with crushed Froot Loops.
So, while we're doing it, I can lean over and lick the crumbs.
I'm familiar with the temptations of crushed Froot Loops, thank you.
Brian, you should know the Nextdoor app is on fire right now. "
Have you seen the van?"
"What's with the van?"
"Here's a photo of the van."
"I checked with the police and we can't get rid of the van unless we witness criminal activity."
And then just some nervous comments about the Black Amazon driver, but you get the gist.
Hurry up, gang, the movie starts soon.
What are we seeing, Mom?
Oh, something I've been waiting forever for: Penelope's Struggle starring Renée Zellweger.
The dramatic, true story of the first female carriage driver for the Queen.
That movie sounds terrible.
And, besides, Chris and I had our hearts set on seeing the re-release of You Don't Mess with the Zohan, now remastered to be 40% louder.
Oh, but, Peter, you know I always choose the movie for family movie night.
It's tradition.
Yeah, but just now I'm realizing Chris and me are two guys.
And you're only one guy.
So, technically, we can outvote you.
I'm sorry.
Out-outvote me?
But-- but what about Meg?
I-I mean, she obviously gets a vo-- All in on Zohan, bro.
My armpit is smelly and now you smell like my smelly armpit.
The whispers in this movie would be yells in other movies.
Ugh, these are basically steps, it's the same thing as steps.
You can put all that away, Lois.
Me and Chris just bought dinner at the grocery store.
The-the grocery store?
W-Without me?
Okay, so everybody gets four puddings and their own package of bologna.
But I spent all day making lasagna.
Yeah, no, our thing is more fun.
Shall we take a vote?
All in favor say "aye."
Aye.
Aye.
The "ayes" have it.
Sorry, Lois, democracy.
Oh, and we're dragging the TV into the dining room.
What?
You know that's not allowed.
Vote?
All in favor say "aye."
Aye.
Aye. "
Ayes" have it, sorry.
Kids, dinner.
Dad, can we watch The White Lotus ?
Why not?
I poop in a suitcase, I'm wrestled to the ground at LaGuardia.
That guy does it: gold statue.
Oh, boy.
What?
What is it?
Text from Amber: "We should talk about where this is going."
Man, what if she wants to get married?
Ugh, looks like I have to break things off with her.
Hey, Amber.
Listen, I got your text-- Brian, this here ain't working out.
We need to break up.
What?
You're breaking up with me?
Whoa.
Dumped by a carny.
Brutal.
Yeah, I've been thinking.
We don't really have much in common.
I mean, you don't know a single Kid Rock lyric or the names of any monster trucks.
Monst-- I-- Grave Maker, that's one.
Ah!
Grave Digger!
You're embarrassing yourself!
Come on, what's this really about?
Is this because I couldn't smash that Percocet into powder fast enough?
Goodbye, Brian.
Wow, buddy, I just want you to know that I'm...
She's stealing our mail.
She's stealing our mail!
Thanks for meeting me, guys.
I should warn you: this is gonna be a two-hands-on-the-coffee-cup conversation.
All right.
Time to get some work done.
Don't mind me.
This is screenwriting software.
You've probably never seen it before.
You guys, I don't know what to do.
I-I told Peter to bond with Chris, and he did, but now, well, it's like they've stolen all the power in the family.
Oh, no, no, no.
For a mother to remain in control of her family, she needs to make sure there are no alliances she's not a part of.
If a scene is in the sea, would you put "interior" or "exterior"?
Ah, never mind.
No alliances, huh?
What's a funny name for a boat?
Well, then, that's it.
I have to drive a wedge between Peter and Chris.
Push them back apart.
Okay, now to loudly watch this Aaron Sorkin MasterClass.
Hi, I'm Aaron Sorkin and I've been paid a lot of money to give you false hope about your ridiculous dream.
Oh, thanks, you guys.
I got this.
What the hell?
My credit card is gone. "
Dear Lois, Chris and I borrowed your credit card to shop for fireworks you would normally have to be a town to buy."
Gather all the fingers!
Ow!
All right, time to put an end to this Peter-Chris alliance.
Hey, FYI, I accidentally got in the shower with my socks on.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I just mashed them down the drain with my elbow.
Peter, we need to talk.
I just found the oddest thing in Chris' room.
It's this essay he apparently wrote for school about his hero: Joe Swanson.
Joe Swanson?
Let me see that.
Okay, th-this is actually quite long, can you just summarize it?
Chris says, "Mr.
Swanson's skewed take "on contemporary politics is painfully astute and refreshingly twisted."
That son of a bitch.
I've been like a father to that kid.
I know, right?
I mean, who does Chris think he is?
The last three pages is all about how you're aging as well as Jennifer Lopez.
Well, that's our son.
Oh, hey, Chris.
You know, I just found the oddest thing in your father's room: an essay he wrote for work about his favorite son, Charles from Charles in Charge.
What?
But Charles wasn't even one of the sons.
He was their babysitter.
I'm so sorry.
I know it must be hard to hear that your father would rather be a parent to a fictional character who the writers, in five seasons, never even bothered to give a last name-- a totally weird but true fact, feel free to Google that-- than his own son.
I hate him so much.
Wait, Dad dots all his I's with a smiley face?
Yeah, that means he's got flair.
Maybe those faces brighten his otherwise bleak day just a tiny bit.
Maybe he's known for them.
I don't know, it seems stupid and weird.
You're stupid and weird!
Now I see why your father prefers Charles Last Name Unknown.
Hello, uh, my name is Stewie, and I'm a milk-aholic.
Okay, I figured out what I got to do: I need to get back together with Amber.
What?
But I thought you were just about to break up with her.
Brian, are you sure this isn't just your wounded ego talking?
Pfft, no.
What?
No, I-I can really see us together.
There's something romantic about her style of life on the road.
Oh, really?
What's the romantic part?
Taking a whore bath in a Taco Bell restroom or peeing in a Gatorade bottle that you leave near a payphone?
You don't know what you're talking about.
Don't I?
Because I think that you can't stand that you got dumped by a carny, someone you feel is inferior to you.
Fine, you're right, okay?
I'm pissed.
That's why I'm off to win Amber back so I can dump her.
Look, man, I don't know if Lois and the fat man told you, but they found a lump on your neck.
Is this really what you want to spend your time on?
What the hell?
I thought you said we were both gonna get Mark Davis haircuts.
Who's that?
This maniac.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm talking about the voice mail you left me.
Which now I see was all just a trick to humiliate me.
I didn't leave you a voice mail.
Oh, no?
Uh, hey, Dad.
It's your son, Chris.
Hot Pockets and Fortnite.
Son of a bitch, I guess I did call you.
Hey, know what could be fun?
If we both got bowl haircuts like-- Oh, hang on.
Estrogen smoothie, please.
Sorry, I'm busy tricking my husband.
Wait a minute.
I would never trick my husband.
Dad, I think Mom may have left that message.
But why?
You think she's, like, trying to get us mad at each other?
Well, it would certainly explain the voice mail I got.
Hey, Chris, Principal Shepherd here.
So, listen, the nurse is going to press charges for you touching her breast.
I offered her the money like you said, but, well, that seemed to make it worse.
So, we either got to come up on that number or find a different plan, but methinks a lawyer is in our future.
Hmph.
Anyway, call me back, but remember the rule on these: delete, delete, delete.
Message saved.
What kind of game is Mom playing?
Brian?
What are you doing?
Amber, please take me back.
Look, I even brought you a peace offering: a pack of cigarettes and some Nicorette gum because I wasn't sure which way you wanted to go this week.
Aw, that's sweet.
I'm-a smoke and chew them both for an extra nicotine surge.
It's what carnies call "The Surf and Turf."
Well, that doesn't make much sense, but it sure is two things.
Amber, we have something special.
I want us to grow mold together.
Aw, me, too.
And I'd love to take you back, Brian, but if we're a couple, that means you'd have to be willing to come on the road and work the carnival with me.
I mean, that's my life.
Of course.
I'm totally up for that.
Really?
Aw, that's boss!
Let's do it!
Okay, great, so you do take me back?
Well, then, as long as we're officially a couple again, I have something to say.
Amber, if you think for one second-- Oh, my gosh, Uncle Earl, you got to meet my new boyfriend Brian.
Good to meet you, Brian.
But don't you break her heart, you hear?
Last guy who treated her wrong had his scrotum nail-clippered off, then got kicked to death behind a Chick-fil-A.
I assure you, my intentions are strictly honorable.
Okay, then.
I'm just telling you this as her uncle and her ex-boyfriend.
Check it out, Chris.
Your mom tries to turn us against each other?
Well, this ought to teach her a thing or two.
Your plan is to drop a piano on Mom?
No, not at all.
See, your mother loves this piano, and by stringing it up in the air like this, she'll never be able to touch it again.
That's genius.
My plan was just to suggest something to you halfheartedly and then immediately back down like a beta.
I think we should go with my plan.
No, yeah, your-your plan is better.
Oh, hey, you two.
What's all this?
Don't play dumb, Mom.
Chris and I see you're trying to push us apart.
Yeah, we're your husband and your son and we were actually getting to know each other, but it seems like some part of you wanted that to fail.
Oh, you guys, I am so sorry.
You're right.
I guess, at first, I felt bad you were making fun of me, and then later I resented that you'd removed me entirely from any family decision-making.
But what I did was awful.
I genuinely hope you can forgive me.
Honestly, Lois, I'm not certain I will be able to excuse this.
But I pray that, with time, healing may come.
What?
You do something crazy basically once a week and I always forgive you.
Fine.
Get a Mark Davis haircut and we'll call it even.
I hate you for this, Peter.
I know.
Now let's go upstairs and have idiot sex.
Well, these last few days-- Ahh!
Son of a bitch!
Dad never took the piano down.
I think it just fell on Brian.
He has had a bad week.
Anyway, like I was saying, these last few days have been quite an adventure, but I'm just happy that everything is back to normal.
Yes.
And now I must away to the sea, and hunt down the orca that killed my Pappy.
Be careful, my love, for no one truly knows the secrets of the inky deep.
Fare thee well, my love.
As "Come Sail Away" by Styx begins to play, Peter heads off to the harbor, and we fade out.
Thank you, Mr.
Sorkin.