TV-Serie: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - 1x6
Previously on Studio 60: You knock my socks off.
Trevor Laughlin.
He wrote a pilot script and it's good, it's called Nations.
I don't think his show is quite right for your network.
Why?
It's good.
There's a writer I'm trying to get from HBO and I invited him to watch Studio 60 with me tonightin the box.
I'm sorry, I'm bigfooting you on this one.
Okay, you got it.
Got what ?
The show.
I'd be happy to do it at NBS.
Why ?
He just told me to.
Thanks to Sting, to the great cast and crew, Matt and Danny...
Goodnight, everybody.
Roll in.
Call it, 9:59:51.
Can we get Miguel a translator on the jib arm?
He's very proud, he doesn't want a translator.
He swears the only words that he has trouble with are adverbs of motion.
In, out, up, down, right, left.
He's a camera operator.
Those are the only words I need him to know.
Suzanne!
Tell your guys tarps over everything.
The last time we had a wrap party in the studio we had to shut down for two weeks while we replaced the studio.
Yep.
Cal.
Jordan Great show.
Thanks.
You're great.
Thank you again.
I've had a couple glasses of wine.
No one would ever know.
I just bought my first show.
We heard.
Congratulations.
It's a one-hour drama about the United Nations.
It can't miss.
So I'm celebrating.
Well, enjoy the party.
I'm also hiding from Jack Rudolph.
I didn't bid on a reality show he wanted and then to add injury to...
Insult to injury.
Insult to injury.
Wilson White backed me and took Jack's legs out from under him.
So I'm hiding here tonight.
This is like, for me, Superman's Dome of Pleasure.
Fortress of Solitude?
Yes.
Well, enjoy yourself.
I believe I will.
Guess who's in the hizzy!
Suzanne !
Tarps over everything!
La "Studio Six-Team" : Boscof@n, Rom1_333, Titus Pullo, Dryosia, TheAma1, Macpantouf, Garyperso06, ny_stuf pr�sente le 106 - The Wrap Party R�f�rences sur http://dryosia.free.fr/stud/ {PUB} Nice show, Gino.
You, too, Stu.
Five.
On the negative side.
Down low.
Too slow.
Get out of here.
Jeannie, you were 15 seconds long on "Commedia" and we had to steal it from "News 60."
I know, people laughed.
I was as surprised as anybody.
Try not to be funny, we're doing a TV show.
Got it.
Hey, listen.
Lilly just told me that they had to take 15 seconds from the news to cover "Commedia."
I am sorry-- people laughed and we were not prepared for that.
I just almost kissed Matt.
Really?
Yeah.
Where?
On the mouth.
Where in the building?
Up in his office during the last Sting number.
It was a close call.
I nearly had a Matt relapse, but I'm fine.
Darren's coming to the party and Danny's trying to fix Matt up with cocktail waitresses, so we're back to normal.
How do you feel about Darren?
I'm crazy about him and I'll tell you why.
He's a professional athlete and has the body of one?
No, it's because he's the anti-Matt.
Darren is the anti-Matt.
He's not snide, he's not smug, he's not superior, he goes to church, he works with his hands...
Well, he's not a rancher, he's a middle-reliever for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
I'm saying he is, by and large, unburdened by...
what?
Thought?
He thinks.
About what?
I'm looking forward to discovering that tonight.
Sure, and in the meantime you've got the muscles.
That's the meat of what you have to say?
Well, I wasn't really giving it my all 'cause I got laughs tonight in "Commedia."
I'm gonna change for the party.
You owe me 15 seconds of fame.
That's all I got on me right now.
Hey, T.
Listen, I'm gonna ask Matt to slip over to the Improv with me around 11:00 to see a guy, you want to come?
My parents are here tonight.
No kidding.
I want to meet them.
Really?
27's too old to have mommy and daddy issues, my brother.
They don't know what I do for a living, my brother.
Are they alive?
Well, they live in Columbus, Ohio, so...
barely.
Then shut up.
I'm gonna show them around the studio and when we say good night, I swear to God, my father's gonna ask me if I need any money and it's gonna take everything I've got not to point out to him that I could buy his house four times and turn it into my ping-pong room.
I would resist that urge.
Who are you going to see?
Uh, some guy out from New York I was told about, uh, named Willy Wilson-- you ever heard of him?
No.
Sometimes he goes by "Willy Wilz."
Hello, hello.
Hey, guys, you found your way.
It wasn't easy.
Come here so I can kiss you.
How you doing, Dad?
Good.
Good.
How are you?
Great.
The drive was okay?
Fine.
No problems.
Great.
Uh...
did you like the show?
Oh, honey, it was so interesting to see it in person.
It's all so much smaller than it looks on TV.
And with those seats you got us, we felt like real Hollywood big shots.
I thought any second, Joan Rivers was going to jump out of nowhere and ask us what we were wearing.
That could happen any second, you should be careful.
Mom and Dad, this is Simon Stiles.
Oh...
Mr.
and Mrs.
Jeter.
It is a pleasure to meet you both.
Tom talks about you all the time.
Really?
No, I don't talk about you at all.
Simon, I have to tell you, Tom's father won't admit it, but after we saw the James Bond movie, I think he got a little crush on Halle Berry.
Oh, dear God.
It's true.
Well, he'll be sure to tell her at the next meeting, Mom.
Don't be smart with your mother, Tom.
I got a crush on her, too, Mr.
Jeter, so I'm not gonna tell her about you 'cause I think you'd steal her away from me.
It's great meeting both of you.
I mean, we're all crazy about your son.
I hope you have a good time here.
Uh, can I talk to you one second?
Ow.
Ow.
He works for a living.
Don't be an ass.
Okay.
Can I take you around the studio?
Yes, please.
Ms.
Graham, you are talented, you are a delight, and, if I may say, you are a hot buttered biscuit.
Why did you cut my sketch?
I think the thing to remember here is that it was me who cut the sketch.
It was a producorial decision involving a number of technical factors-- cameras, grips, a complicated metric of...
Why did you cut my sketch?
It wasn't funny.
I thought it was funny.
I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren't very good.
Really?
'Cause I thought the writing was one unbearably long set-up for a jingle.
And that's why I cut the sketch.
You were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.
Gilmore Girls.
I wrote it down for you.
This is my number, if you ever feel like coffee or a basketball game or something.
And would you give a copy of this to the girl who plays your kid on the show, too?
Is sucking-up-to-the-host time over?
Sure, go enjoy the party.
This is humiliating.
Harriet came up here during Sting's last set.
I'm not great at reading these signals, but I think there was a moment when she was about to kiss me.
I saw a hypnotist once who brought an audience member onstage and removed the number six from his consciousness.
He waved a watch, did a thing, told the guy to count to ten.
The guy could not do it.
He stopped at 5.
Do you want to book him on the show?
No, I want to put him on retainer.
I want to see if he can remove Harriet from your consciousness.
Who are those women?
See, that was easy.
I'm really not in the mood for this.
Then change your mood, would you?
Now, these three I don't think...
broke the bank on their SAT's or anything How recently did they take the SAT's.
Don't be a snob.
Okay.
Guys, this is Matt Albie.
Matt, this is Shawna...
Hi.
Laci...
Hi.
Hi.
...and Treasure.
Treasure?
I know, it's unusual.
Oh, no, no, not for Danny.
Can I push a button?
Sure.
No!
Not that one!
Just kidding.
Uh, Matt, Laci moved here from Sweetwater, Texas to pursue an acting career.
Shawna considers herself more of a personality than an actress, she'd like to host her own show.
Like Tyra Banks.
Awesome role model.
And Treasure...
Yes?
...moved here from Tempe after a year as an Exercise and Wellness major at Arizona State.
All three were at the show tonight.
You're fans of the show?
Well, we are now 'cause we've been dating mostly inside the rock scene, but we really want to start looking for more mature guys.
And you showed a lot of wisdom coming here for that.
What do you do on the show, Matt?
I'm an executive producer and the head writer.
And what does that mean?
I write the show.
And what does that mean exactly?
Writing the show?
I'm fascinated.
Me, too.
It means I work with a staff of very talented writers who feed me...
Oh, my God!
You guys, I think that's Darren Wells down there.
The baseball player?
Look.
It is.
Oh, Mr.
Yummy!
Forget it.
Why?
'Cause he's dating Harriet Hayes.
I just read about it in Star.
You guys want to come downstairs and hang out at the party?
Oh, yes, please, let's.
Have you ever met Harriet Hayes?
Yeah, I write the show.
I'm not a criminal.
I'm not a criminal.
I don't want to get sent back to Tars and Spars.
Sir...
That's my picture.
Please, sir.
No, I'm not a criminal.
Jerry.
It's okay, Mr.
Shanley.
Sir, we have to escort you off the property.
We don't have a choice.
No choice?
No choice?
No choice at all?
Listen to me, if you resist, we have to call the West Hollywood Police.
Now, that's not what you want.
No choice in the matter.
No choice at all.
Then come on, please.
Hang on.
Jerry, what happened?
He got backstage.
He must've been in the audience.
He doesn't have a pass for the party.
Also he was trying to take this picture.
Let me see that.
What's your name?
What?
Sir?
I might be able to help you if you give me your name.
Oh, sure, sure.
You got to have a name.
Yeah, name.
What's in a name?
It's all in the name.
Listen.
I don't think this guy is indigent, he's just not dressed for it.
And the thing is, this picture was on the wall in the basement corridor.
He walked by a whole bunch of open dressing room doors with wallets and jewelry laid out, and he also walked by about 50 laptops.
So what do you think?
Well, he might have Alzheimer's or something...
No, no.
Can't go back to Tars and Spars.
What did you say?
Sir?
Sir?
What did you say?
He's been muttering something about Stars and Bars.
He doesn't want to go back to Stars and Bars.
Is that a prison ?
Tars and Spars.
Tars a Spars, yeah.
Sir, we're gonna make sure you get a ride back to where you live.
Would you mind sitting over in here for a few minutes?
No, no, no...
Sir, sir.
I'll make you a deal.
You sit down over here for a few minutes, I'll let you take the picture with you.
Oh, that's...
that's a very good bargain.
Yeah, that's a good bargain.
It-It's a good deal.
What's going on?
He's a fan of Sid Caesar.
Come on.
{PUB} It's begin as a burlesque theatre called the Adison and later I'll show you where Gypsy Rose Lee signed her name on the wall backstage.
The stripper?
The stripper.
Tommy, tell me you don't go to those places.
I don't.
Because coming in here I saw this neighborhood was...
I don't, Mom.
I like looking at naked women as much as anybody; I just don't like it to be a crowd experience.
I don't like this talk.
I understand.
Anyway, burlesque became vaudeville, and the biggest acts in the business played the Addison.
Don Ameche, Eddie Cantor, Burns and Allen, Eva Tanguay and one night, two young guys named Bud Abbott and Lou Costello tried out a new piece of material here called "Who's on First?"
You say that like it's famous.
It is.
It's "Who's on First?"
Say it again?
Abbott and Costello, "Who's on First?"
Honey, Dad and I don't watch Comedy Central.
No.
It's old.
It's from vaudeville.
It's the most famous piece of American comedy ever.
And it was genius.
Well...
It was, Dad.
I'm amazed that you've never...
It was two guys and one of them had just bought a baseball team.
And the other guy wants to know the names of the players, and the first baseman's named...
To explain this I think we'd find ourselves in the middle of a whole new sketch.
Let's keep walking.
Oh, my God, is it even possible that is Sting standing over there?
That is Sting.
That is the actual Sting.
Now when you say you "write the show" what does that mean exactly?
Like a movie or a play, this show is scripted.
Which is to say the performers aren't making it up as they go along.
I'm the guy in charge of making up what they do and say.
Do you think one day they might let you be in the show?
First of all, "they" is "us."
Him and me, we're the executive producers.
I'm not a performer, I'm a writer.
There are two completely different skill sets involved...
Oh, my God!
It's Simon Stiles.
He's coming right over here.
Do you know him?
He works for me!
Hey, Sim!
Hey.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Matt, do you have a minute?
Sure.
Introduce us.
Simon, this is Laci, Shana and Trinket.
Treasure.
Treasure.
How do you do?
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Thanks for save me.
I got a call from Budd Friedman over at the Improv.
He says there's a comic out from New York named Willy Wilson, or Willy Wilz he goes by sometimes.
Budd thinks he might be a good writer for the room.
I don't know him.
Yeah, me neither.
That's why I'd like you to come to the Improv with me for a few minutes 'cause he's doing a set at 11:00.
Ah, look, I would, but...
Aw, come on.
I got Harriet floatin' around here with Sandy Koufax.
I'm just really not in the mood to look at a fake brick wall.
Why don't you tell Danny and he'll get some tape on the guy.
No, man, don't blow this over to Danny.
If it was Tom or Jeannie or Harry, you wouldn't blow this over to Danny.
What are you talking about?
If it isn't about the writing, I blow everything over to Danny that isn't nailed down.
Well, this is about writing.
Okay, wait, I have to go back, 'cause there was an implication somehow I treat you differently than the rest of the cast.
I'd like to see more black writers on your staff.
Or a black writer on your staff.
It's not my staff.
I didn't hire these guys.
Ricky and Ron did.
As their contracts run out, we'll see what's what.
Is this a diversity issue?
Yeah.
Okay.
No, it's not a diversity issue.
Yeah, sure, you might consider, just for the hell of it, having somebody in there who didn't go to Harvard...
I didn't go to Harvard.
If it isn't a diversity issue, then what are you saying?
Are you not...
Am I not writing well enough for you?
Please!
But you think I need to bring in help from the bullpen once in a while to write for a black guy?
I think there's comedy to be found in experiences that are far removed from your own.
And I think there's a dramatic and musical language in which you're not fluent.
There are a lot of languages in which I'm not fluent.
Matt...
I was a bartender at the Gershwin for Patti LaBelle.
And in the main lobby there's this huge bar.
Seven bartenders, one of them black.
At intermission, 2,000 people pour into the lobby, 1,950 of them black.
And they'd all line up in front of this guy's station.
And I thought, "What the hell are they doing?
They think this is the guy who knows how to make the black drinks?
I can mix a Courvoisier and Diet Coke like anybody else."
See?
That's a joke you'd never make on the air, because your liberal guilt would come sprayin' out of your ears.
I'm sorry if my on-air material isn't racist enough for you.
It's insulting to me that there are no black writers in the room.
It's insulting to me that you think I need help.
Well, you're just gonna have to be insulted, then.
We'll take my car.
I didn't go up there to do anything.
I went up there to tell him that Simon's mic was open while he was talking to Tom about "The Star Spangled Banner","The 700 Club" and you, and he needed to know that Martha O'Dell had that stuff in her notebook.
And you ended up almost kissing him.
Not even almost, and there's no reason anyone else needs to know.
Please don't tell Samantha.
I'm right here.
Yeah, that's right.
Excuse me.
Jordan.
Hi.
Hi Jeannie, Samantha.
Great show tonight.
Thanks.
Hey, we heard you got Trevor Laughlin's pilot script about the U.N.
Yes.
He was gonna go to HBO, but Danny, as a matter of fact, was the one who talked him over to us.
Danny's very persuasive.
Yeah.
So I don't have any friends.
Because you bought Trevor Laughlin's script?
No.
I mean in general.
I used to have friends, I was very popular.
In my high school yearbook I was voted 2nd Runner-Up for "Life of the Party."
Really?
Yeah.
Just missed that top spot by two.
I know.
- Bummer.
Tell me.
Jordan?
Yeah.
Are you trying to make friends right now?
How am I doing?
Fine.
Would you like to hang out with us at the party?
I would love to.
I think if you gave me a chance, you'd find me delightful.
All right, well, let's not go for too much on your first try.
Understood.
We've gotta go out there and say hi to a couple of people, but we'll hook up with you.
This is so great.
Relax.
Okay.
Also, I'm meeting up with a guy.
Oh, the baseball player?
Darren Wells, yeah.
My secretary had a copy of In Touch open on her desk.
And there was a blurb about you right next to a blurb about me speculating on the various men I've been with at underground sex clubs.
Yeah.
My father enjoyed reading that.
I'll bet.
Want to go out?
Yeah.
How'd you guys meet?
Darren and me?
Yeah.
I was singing the National Anthem at a Dodger game, and he signed a bat for me and wrote his phone number on it.
Oh, nice!
Yeah.
You think there's any chance he'd write an autograph for my nephew?
He's got a collection.
Sure.
All right, then my current task is to find a baseball.
Guys?
Yes.
Have you met Jordan McDeere?
We haven't.
This is Alex Dwyer and Dylan Killington.
I'm a big, big fan.
You guys do a great job.
Oh, thank you, Miss McDeere.
We appreciate that.
Oh call me...
No call me Miss McDeere.
I like that.
Jordan needs a baseball.
I thought one of you guys might have one.
Yeah, either that or in the prop room.
Can you help her?
Sure.
Also, I find myself in the market for some new friends, so just so you know, if anything develops in that arena I'm open to it.
Okay, great.
Thank you for waiting.
Tars and Spars, huh?
Yeah, yeah...
Listen, what I want to do is get you home.
You're not in any trouble at all.
I just need your name.
Bessie Biberman.
Bessie...
Bessie...
Bessie Biberman?
B-I-B-E-R?
No, no, no, no.
Scott Trumbo.
Uh...
is it Bessie Biberman or Scott Trumbo?
Cole Lardner.
Sir, do you have a wallet or any identification?
Okay, what I'd like to do is, I'm gonna reach inside your jacket to see if you have a wallet.
But before I do, I'm gonna bring a third person in, 'cause frankly, nothing personal, but I need a witness that I didn't do anything wrong.
Would you wait here another moment, please?
Hey...
Good bargain, that's a good deal.
That's a great, great deal.
It's a steal.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey!
Hey, where you been?
Listen, there's a guy, an old guy, 80-something, and he wandered backstage and he's lost and he wasn't all there to begin with.
He just kinda mutters like Geoffrey Rush in Shine, and one of the things he said was "Don't send me back to Tars and Spars."
That was Sid Caesar's thing, wasn't it?
Yeah, Caesar played saxophone in the Tars and Spars Band in the Coast Guard during World War II till somebody found out he was funny and then they put him out front.
When he was on TV he would tell the writers it had to be good, you don't want to get sent back to Tars and Spars.
What's his name?
I asked him and he gave me three names.
Bessie Biberman, Scott Trumbo, Cole Lardner.
What?
He's messing with you.
What do you mean?
Those aren't three names, they're six names.
Bessie, Biberman, Scott, Trumbo, Cole, Lardner.
He named you six of the Hollywood Ten.
This guy's playin' me.
Let security deal with it.
Can't find his way home, but he can do an anagram?
In 1926, two brothers named Jack and Harry Warner used the Addison to hold the first test of adding sound to moving pictures.
The Warner brothers bought it and converted it into a movie palace.
The first movie they showed here was The Jazz Singer.
Oh!
The story of a guy who wanted to do something for a living that his father didn't like.
I get it, Mark.
Tom.
Sorry.
Tom.
It was a movie theatre until November 30, 1941, exactly one week before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.
That's when a fledgling network of radio stations called the National Broadcasting System, in an effort to compete with its older and better established cousins, CBS and NBC, bought the Addison, gutted it-- keeping all the original architecture and Art Deco fixtures-- and turned it into a broadcast studio for radio plays.
The most famous of these was a Sunday night series called The Studio 60 Theatre of the Air.
After the war, radio gave way to television and the first show here was called The NBS Philco Comedy Hour, which no one's ever heard of because it had the misfortune of being programmed first against The Colgate Comedy Hour and then The Texaco Star Theatre.
Then it was canceled after its cast and writing staff were decimated by the blacklist.
In 1959, NBS renamed the theatre in honor of its most famous tenant, and the Addison became Studio 60.
I've got a question.
Yeah.
When did you become an interior decorator?
Dad...
Art Deco fixtures?
I'm just telling you a story, Dad.
I'm trying to take your mind off of it.
That's what I do.
Okay, I don't want you two to fight.
Tommy, tell us how you put the skits together.
We don't do skits, Mom.
Skitsare when the football players dress up as the cheerleaders and think it's wit.
Sketches are when some of the best minds in comedy come together and put on a national television show that's watched and talked about by millions of people.
Don't you talk to your mother like that.
I'm trying to tell you you're standing in the middle of The Paris Opera House of American television.
Well, that's swe, Tom, but your little brother is standing in the middle of Afghanistan!
All right, it's okay.
It's okay.
{PUB} Hi, guys.
Come on, they only got a minute here.
They're only gonna be here a minute.
They don't have time to hear 19 sitcom pitches.
Thanks, Bud.
I said, "Well, can you just take out the middle slice of bread, not use any bacon and unplug the toaster?
All of a sudden, I'm Nicholson in Five Easy Pieces.
(imitating Nicholson): "Hold it between your knees."
Not a lot of Nicholson fans here tonight, huh?
Okay.
Well, folks, our next comic's from New York City where he's been wowing audiences at Catch a Rising Star and Caroline's.
You may have seen him on Showtime at the Apollo.
Let's give it up for Willy Wilz.
Hi.
What's happenin'?
Okay, I see we got some white people in the house tonight.
I got a little pet name I use for white people.
It's spelled "bitches."
I'll tell you what makes me laugh though.
Getting into an argument with white people.
'Cause you can't do it, we don't speak the same language.
'Cause when I get in an argument, I'll be like, "What?
Okay, bitch, you want to step to me?
I'll take your ass outside and give you a beat-down."
White dude'll be like-- (nasally white boy imitation): "Okey-dokey, there, homie.
Let's go have a tete-a-tete, broham to broham."
But I don't hate white people.
See, I do love the fact that y'all insist on paying your damn bills on time.
White people go outta town, they pay their light, car, gas, rent, everything months in advance, just in case they get waylaid in Honolulu or something.
When black people go out of town, we say "See you in court, bitch."
Matter of fact, if you the landlord, and black people go out of town-- guess what, you just got your bitch-ass chumped.
But I will say this-- black people make more black people.
We love to have kids, man.
I got baby mamas on top of baby mamas, for real.
I done run outta names for my kids, man.
My next son name is "Oops."
If I have one more kid, I can...
Simon.
Maybe the rest gets better.
I can do the rest.
Somethin' tells me Willy likes his bitches "with a big ol' ass"!
can't resist a bitch with a big ol' badonkadonk ass I can put a saddle on, be like "pyah, pyah."
There is nothing like the wit and originality of the differences between white people and black.
And apparently, the biggest difference is that we don't pay our bills, respect the law, women or each other.
Well, maybe he just needs-- What he needs is a bottle of Colt 45 and a bucket of fried chicken, Matt.
It wasn't that bad.
Don't patronize me.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I dragged you out here.
You have better things to do with your time off.
No, I don't.
Come on, let's sit down and have a couple of beers.
Come on.
All right, I'm buyin' 'em.
Damn right.
Okay, sir.
This is Lily Rodriguez, our assistant director.
I'm gonna reach inside your jacket.
And we score.
Department of Veteran Affairs.
Your name is Eli Weinraub?
Yes.
It doesn't say where he lives.
Does the V.A.
have a number I can call this late on a Friday?
I don't know, but I have someone I can call at home who can access the L.A.
County database.
Who?
They're gonna be giving me information they're not allowed to give out so I can't tell you.
Is there anyone willing to say a name tonight?
Relax, I'm gonna get him home.
Nice trick with the Hollywood Ten, but I'm not as dumb as I look.
Oh, yeah.
Well, he's so...
Yeah.
We've been dating in the rock scene, but we've been thinking about athletes.
Well that's great, man, 'cause athletes have been thinkin' about you.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Like how?
Well, like...
Excuse me.
Whoa, whoa-- What can I do for you?
Nothing, but thanks for asking.
I'm Jordan McDeere and you're drinking my booze.
It's okay, she's the president of the network.
Sorry about that.
No problem.
I'm Darren Wells.
Yes, I know.
I've been reading about you.
Yeah.
Listen, I was hoping you'd sign a baseball for me.
We've been looking pretty hard for a baseball and here's what we've come up with so...
This is an orange that props painted to look like a baseball.
And this one explodes.
These are my friends.
It's okay, we've got a baseball.
L.C.
Wow, you carry around baseballs.
That is...
efficient.
Yeah.
So, uh, you like the clubs.
The Cubs?
The clubs.
I've been reading.
Ah, come on, gimme a break.
Appreciate it, thank you.
So it turns out you're a war hero, huh?
We called them over at the Wasserman Assisted Living Residence, they were very worried about you.
You've got a lot of friends over there.
We called you a cab and Lilly's gonna see you home.
Listen, I'm sorry, before the cab gets here, I'm a real World War II buff.
I used to set up little scenes with toy soldiers that I'd paint myself and then I'd shoot it in Super 8.
Which would help explain why I didn't kiss a girl until I was 19.
You were a part of "Flotilla 10"?
Operation Overlord?
What was Operation Overlord?
You'd know it by another name.
What?
The Invasion of Normandy?
Headquarters 116th Infantry.
You left Weymouth, England, on June 5th aboard the USS LCI.
Landing craft didn't get names.
You landed the next day, June 6th.
A man rope ran to the beach, weaving between stakes topped with Teller mines.
The thing is, when the tide rose, the boat swung toward a stake and detonated one of the mines, exploding at the port bow.
You took shrapnel in your chest and face.
Is that how you got that scar?
Well, anyway...
you won World War II, so thanks.
Thank you.
It was nice meeting you.
Lilly'll take care of you from here.
Come on.
Whoa, wait, the picture.
I almost forgot.
A promise is a promise.
I don't know why you want it, but you worked hard enough to get it, so...
Cal?
What does this look like to you?
It looks like that guy's got a scar on his face.
This is you.
I only had the one sketch get on the air before...
Before what?
Clifford Odets.
I met him once, but no one believes me now.
It was at a dinner at Musso and Frank's.
The night before he was going to Washington to testify.
And he...
slammed his fist down on the table...
And he said, "By God, I'll show them the face of a radical."
The next day, he named names.
That's what killed him, you know.
He died from that.
We're gonna hold off on that cab for a minute.
Lily, *Walsh* pull him in the regist'room.
{PUB} I'm living in a new house now.
You haven't been there.
I'm up in the hills near the Hollywood sign and from my pool, I can see South Central.
I saw a murder up close when I was 15.
Three guys shot a friend of ours about ten times in the chest with .38's.
You know, it doesn't look like it does in the movies.
Ask a homicide cop.
It ain't poetry in motion.
Everything inside comes out of every part of you.
Anyway, we spent the next day planning how we were gonna kill these guys who did it.
And when it was time, the leader of the guys I ran with, a guy named Donyell, turned to me and said, "You're not goin'".
I said, "Like hell I'm not goin'".
He said, "You're not goin'.
You go, and I'll kill you first."
Those guys are all doin' consecutive life sentences with no chance of parole.
They weren't charged as juveniles.
Donyell is in a federal maximum security facility in Minnesota.
Every month, I send him the only things I'm allowed to send him.
Cigarettes and stamps.
I can see it from my pool, Matt.
And if I don't reach in there and grab as many of them as I can carry-- every day-- then I deserve to get sent right back to it.
But there's nothing I can do for Willy Wilz.
My name is Darius Hawthorne.
Yeah, I know.
Is he a wide-out for the Bruins or a 19th century naturalist?
I get that all the time.
Whoever's up there now's gettin' met with pretty stunning indifference. "
I got baby mamas all over the place.
I got so many kids I've run outta names."
Hang on. "
You steppin'-to you bitch-ass white boy?"
Hang on. "
I will bitch your bitch-ass all over the mother-bitchin' beyatch."
Shut up a second.
...was pretty much it-- a life of crime and drugs for me.
And to be completely honest with you, where I come from, you could do a whole lot worse.
I'm not sure I'm in step with the rest of the African-American community.
I carry the scars of slavery like everyone else, but it's somehow important to me that I know that while we were slaves, we were good when stacked up next to other slaves throughout history, and I don't know if we were.
I'm lookin' at the pyramids in Egypt, which were built by slaves and I'm thinkin', "Whoa, nobody told us we could use geometry."
God sent the Hebrew slaves Moses.
Don't get me wrong, I like the Emancipation Proclamation, but the Hebrews got a burning bush, plagues, the slaying of the first born, the parting of the Red Sea...
We got a memo. "
Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I'm free at last."
All right, thanks and everything, but you were phoning it in and you know it.
You're boring.
Lock it out.
I-I-I don't think the way I'm supposed to think.
You know, I went to the barbershop, sat down in the chair and the barber picked up a pair of scissors and lit up a joint at the same time.
The stuff smelled out of this world.
Someone took a lot of care in the growing of this weed.
This is one-hit pot and he tells me he can sell me some for ten dollars.
I should be thinking here's a wasted guy with a pair of scissors pointed at my head, but what I'm thinking is, "How can he sell this fine a product at such affordable prices?"
Then give us some.
He just needs discipline.
That's my show.
I'm Matt Albie, this is Simon Stiles.
I know.
I know.
Were you just there?
You got your ass kic
Trevor Laughlin.
He wrote a pilot script and it's good, it's called Nations.
I don't think his show is quite right for your network.
Why?
It's good.
There's a writer I'm trying to get from HBO and I invited him to watch Studio 60 with me tonightin the box.
I'm sorry, I'm bigfooting you on this one.
Okay, you got it.
Got what ?
The show.
I'd be happy to do it at NBS.
Why ?
He just told me to.
Thanks to Sting, to the great cast and crew, Matt and Danny...
Goodnight, everybody.
Roll in.
Call it, 9:59:51.
Can we get Miguel a translator on the jib arm?
He's very proud, he doesn't want a translator.
He swears the only words that he has trouble with are adverbs of motion.
In, out, up, down, right, left.
He's a camera operator.
Those are the only words I need him to know.
Suzanne!
Tell your guys tarps over everything.
The last time we had a wrap party in the studio we had to shut down for two weeks while we replaced the studio.
Yep.
Cal.
Jordan Great show.
Thanks.
You're great.
Thank you again.
I've had a couple glasses of wine.
No one would ever know.
I just bought my first show.
We heard.
Congratulations.
It's a one-hour drama about the United Nations.
It can't miss.
So I'm celebrating.
Well, enjoy the party.
I'm also hiding from Jack Rudolph.
I didn't bid on a reality show he wanted and then to add injury to...
Insult to injury.
Insult to injury.
Wilson White backed me and took Jack's legs out from under him.
So I'm hiding here tonight.
This is like, for me, Superman's Dome of Pleasure.
Fortress of Solitude?
Yes.
Well, enjoy yourself.
I believe I will.
Guess who's in the hizzy!
Suzanne !
Tarps over everything!
La "Studio Six-Team" : Boscof@n, Rom1_333, Titus Pullo, Dryosia, TheAma1, Macpantouf, Garyperso06, ny_stuf pr�sente le 106 - The Wrap Party R�f�rences sur http://dryosia.free.fr/stud/ {PUB} Nice show, Gino.
You, too, Stu.
Five.
On the negative side.
Down low.
Too slow.
Get out of here.
Jeannie, you were 15 seconds long on "Commedia" and we had to steal it from "News 60."
I know, people laughed.
I was as surprised as anybody.
Try not to be funny, we're doing a TV show.
Got it.
Hey, listen.
Lilly just told me that they had to take 15 seconds from the news to cover "Commedia."
I am sorry-- people laughed and we were not prepared for that.
I just almost kissed Matt.
Really?
Yeah.
Where?
On the mouth.
Where in the building?
Up in his office during the last Sting number.
It was a close call.
I nearly had a Matt relapse, but I'm fine.
Darren's coming to the party and Danny's trying to fix Matt up with cocktail waitresses, so we're back to normal.
How do you feel about Darren?
I'm crazy about him and I'll tell you why.
He's a professional athlete and has the body of one?
No, it's because he's the anti-Matt.
Darren is the anti-Matt.
He's not snide, he's not smug, he's not superior, he goes to church, he works with his hands...
Well, he's not a rancher, he's a middle-reliever for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
I'm saying he is, by and large, unburdened by...
what?
Thought?
He thinks.
About what?
I'm looking forward to discovering that tonight.
Sure, and in the meantime you've got the muscles.
That's the meat of what you have to say?
Well, I wasn't really giving it my all 'cause I got laughs tonight in "Commedia."
I'm gonna change for the party.
You owe me 15 seconds of fame.
That's all I got on me right now.
Hey, T.
Listen, I'm gonna ask Matt to slip over to the Improv with me around 11:00 to see a guy, you want to come?
My parents are here tonight.
No kidding.
I want to meet them.
Really?
27's too old to have mommy and daddy issues, my brother.
They don't know what I do for a living, my brother.
Are they alive?
Well, they live in Columbus, Ohio, so...
barely.
Then shut up.
I'm gonna show them around the studio and when we say good night, I swear to God, my father's gonna ask me if I need any money and it's gonna take everything I've got not to point out to him that I could buy his house four times and turn it into my ping-pong room.
I would resist that urge.
Who are you going to see?
Uh, some guy out from New York I was told about, uh, named Willy Wilson-- you ever heard of him?
No.
Sometimes he goes by "Willy Wilz."
Hello, hello.
Hey, guys, you found your way.
It wasn't easy.
Come here so I can kiss you.
How you doing, Dad?
Good.
Good.
How are you?
Great.
The drive was okay?
Fine.
No problems.
Great.
Uh...
did you like the show?
Oh, honey, it was so interesting to see it in person.
It's all so much smaller than it looks on TV.
And with those seats you got us, we felt like real Hollywood big shots.
I thought any second, Joan Rivers was going to jump out of nowhere and ask us what we were wearing.
That could happen any second, you should be careful.
Mom and Dad, this is Simon Stiles.
Oh...
Mr.
and Mrs.
Jeter.
It is a pleasure to meet you both.
Tom talks about you all the time.
Really?
No, I don't talk about you at all.
Simon, I have to tell you, Tom's father won't admit it, but after we saw the James Bond movie, I think he got a little crush on Halle Berry.
Oh, dear God.
It's true.
Well, he'll be sure to tell her at the next meeting, Mom.
Don't be smart with your mother, Tom.
I got a crush on her, too, Mr.
Jeter, so I'm not gonna tell her about you 'cause I think you'd steal her away from me.
It's great meeting both of you.
I mean, we're all crazy about your son.
I hope you have a good time here.
Uh, can I talk to you one second?
Ow.
Ow.
He works for a living.
Don't be an ass.
Okay.
Can I take you around the studio?
Yes, please.
Ms.
Graham, you are talented, you are a delight, and, if I may say, you are a hot buttered biscuit.
Why did you cut my sketch?
I think the thing to remember here is that it was me who cut the sketch.
It was a producorial decision involving a number of technical factors-- cameras, grips, a complicated metric of...
Why did you cut my sketch?
It wasn't funny.
I thought it was funny.
I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren't very good.
Really?
'Cause I thought the writing was one unbearably long set-up for a jingle.
And that's why I cut the sketch.
You were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.
Gilmore Girls.
I wrote it down for you.
This is my number, if you ever feel like coffee or a basketball game or something.
And would you give a copy of this to the girl who plays your kid on the show, too?
Is sucking-up-to-the-host time over?
Sure, go enjoy the party.
This is humiliating.
Harriet came up here during Sting's last set.
I'm not great at reading these signals, but I think there was a moment when she was about to kiss me.
I saw a hypnotist once who brought an audience member onstage and removed the number six from his consciousness.
He waved a watch, did a thing, told the guy to count to ten.
The guy could not do it.
He stopped at 5.
Do you want to book him on the show?
No, I want to put him on retainer.
I want to see if he can remove Harriet from your consciousness.
Who are those women?
See, that was easy.
I'm really not in the mood for this.
Then change your mood, would you?
Now, these three I don't think...
broke the bank on their SAT's or anything How recently did they take the SAT's.
Don't be a snob.
Okay.
Guys, this is Matt Albie.
Matt, this is Shawna...
Hi.
Laci...
Hi.
Hi.
...and Treasure.
Treasure?
I know, it's unusual.
Oh, no, no, not for Danny.
Can I push a button?
Sure.
No!
Not that one!
Just kidding.
Uh, Matt, Laci moved here from Sweetwater, Texas to pursue an acting career.
Shawna considers herself more of a personality than an actress, she'd like to host her own show.
Like Tyra Banks.
Awesome role model.
And Treasure...
Yes?
...moved here from Tempe after a year as an Exercise and Wellness major at Arizona State.
All three were at the show tonight.
You're fans of the show?
Well, we are now 'cause we've been dating mostly inside the rock scene, but we really want to start looking for more mature guys.
And you showed a lot of wisdom coming here for that.
What do you do on the show, Matt?
I'm an executive producer and the head writer.
And what does that mean?
I write the show.
And what does that mean exactly?
Writing the show?
I'm fascinated.
Me, too.
It means I work with a staff of very talented writers who feed me...
Oh, my God!
You guys, I think that's Darren Wells down there.
The baseball player?
Look.
It is.
Oh, Mr.
Yummy!
Forget it.
Why?
'Cause he's dating Harriet Hayes.
I just read about it in Star.
You guys want to come downstairs and hang out at the party?
Oh, yes, please, let's.
Have you ever met Harriet Hayes?
Yeah, I write the show.
I'm not a criminal.
I'm not a criminal.
I don't want to get sent back to Tars and Spars.
Sir...
That's my picture.
Please, sir.
No, I'm not a criminal.
Jerry.
It's okay, Mr.
Shanley.
Sir, we have to escort you off the property.
We don't have a choice.
No choice?
No choice?
No choice at all?
Listen to me, if you resist, we have to call the West Hollywood Police.
Now, that's not what you want.
No choice in the matter.
No choice at all.
Then come on, please.
Hang on.
Jerry, what happened?
He got backstage.
He must've been in the audience.
He doesn't have a pass for the party.
Also he was trying to take this picture.
Let me see that.
What's your name?
What?
Sir?
I might be able to help you if you give me your name.
Oh, sure, sure.
You got to have a name.
Yeah, name.
What's in a name?
It's all in the name.
Listen.
I don't think this guy is indigent, he's just not dressed for it.
And the thing is, this picture was on the wall in the basement corridor.
He walked by a whole bunch of open dressing room doors with wallets and jewelry laid out, and he also walked by about 50 laptops.
So what do you think?
Well, he might have Alzheimer's or something...
No, no.
Can't go back to Tars and Spars.
What did you say?
Sir?
Sir?
What did you say?
He's been muttering something about Stars and Bars.
He doesn't want to go back to Stars and Bars.
Is that a prison ?
Tars and Spars.
Tars a Spars, yeah.
Sir, we're gonna make sure you get a ride back to where you live.
Would you mind sitting over in here for a few minutes?
No, no, no...
Sir, sir.
I'll make you a deal.
You sit down over here for a few minutes, I'll let you take the picture with you.
Oh, that's...
that's a very good bargain.
Yeah, that's a good bargain.
It-It's a good deal.
What's going on?
He's a fan of Sid Caesar.
Come on.
{PUB} It's begin as a burlesque theatre called the Adison and later I'll show you where Gypsy Rose Lee signed her name on the wall backstage.
The stripper?
The stripper.
Tommy, tell me you don't go to those places.
I don't.
Because coming in here I saw this neighborhood was...
I don't, Mom.
I like looking at naked women as much as anybody; I just don't like it to be a crowd experience.
I don't like this talk.
I understand.
Anyway, burlesque became vaudeville, and the biggest acts in the business played the Addison.
Don Ameche, Eddie Cantor, Burns and Allen, Eva Tanguay and one night, two young guys named Bud Abbott and Lou Costello tried out a new piece of material here called "Who's on First?"
You say that like it's famous.
It is.
It's "Who's on First?"
Say it again?
Abbott and Costello, "Who's on First?"
Honey, Dad and I don't watch Comedy Central.
No.
It's old.
It's from vaudeville.
It's the most famous piece of American comedy ever.
And it was genius.
Well...
It was, Dad.
I'm amazed that you've never...
It was two guys and one of them had just bought a baseball team.
And the other guy wants to know the names of the players, and the first baseman's named...
To explain this I think we'd find ourselves in the middle of a whole new sketch.
Let's keep walking.
Oh, my God, is it even possible that is Sting standing over there?
That is Sting.
That is the actual Sting.
Now when you say you "write the show" what does that mean exactly?
Like a movie or a play, this show is scripted.
Which is to say the performers aren't making it up as they go along.
I'm the guy in charge of making up what they do and say.
Do you think one day they might let you be in the show?
First of all, "they" is "us."
Him and me, we're the executive producers.
I'm not a performer, I'm a writer.
There are two completely different skill sets involved...
Oh, my God!
It's Simon Stiles.
He's coming right over here.
Do you know him?
He works for me!
Hey, Sim!
Hey.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Matt, do you have a minute?
Sure.
Introduce us.
Simon, this is Laci, Shana and Trinket.
Treasure.
Treasure.
How do you do?
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Thanks for save me.
I got a call from Budd Friedman over at the Improv.
He says there's a comic out from New York named Willy Wilson, or Willy Wilz he goes by sometimes.
Budd thinks he might be a good writer for the room.
I don't know him.
Yeah, me neither.
That's why I'd like you to come to the Improv with me for a few minutes 'cause he's doing a set at 11:00.
Ah, look, I would, but...
Aw, come on.
I got Harriet floatin' around here with Sandy Koufax.
I'm just really not in the mood to look at a fake brick wall.
Why don't you tell Danny and he'll get some tape on the guy.
No, man, don't blow this over to Danny.
If it was Tom or Jeannie or Harry, you wouldn't blow this over to Danny.
What are you talking about?
If it isn't about the writing, I blow everything over to Danny that isn't nailed down.
Well, this is about writing.
Okay, wait, I have to go back, 'cause there was an implication somehow I treat you differently than the rest of the cast.
I'd like to see more black writers on your staff.
Or a black writer on your staff.
It's not my staff.
I didn't hire these guys.
Ricky and Ron did.
As their contracts run out, we'll see what's what.
Is this a diversity issue?
Yeah.
Okay.
No, it's not a diversity issue.
Yeah, sure, you might consider, just for the hell of it, having somebody in there who didn't go to Harvard...
I didn't go to Harvard.
If it isn't a diversity issue, then what are you saying?
Are you not...
Am I not writing well enough for you?
Please!
But you think I need to bring in help from the bullpen once in a while to write for a black guy?
I think there's comedy to be found in experiences that are far removed from your own.
And I think there's a dramatic and musical language in which you're not fluent.
There are a lot of languages in which I'm not fluent.
Matt...
I was a bartender at the Gershwin for Patti LaBelle.
And in the main lobby there's this huge bar.
Seven bartenders, one of them black.
At intermission, 2,000 people pour into the lobby, 1,950 of them black.
And they'd all line up in front of this guy's station.
And I thought, "What the hell are they doing?
They think this is the guy who knows how to make the black drinks?
I can mix a Courvoisier and Diet Coke like anybody else."
See?
That's a joke you'd never make on the air, because your liberal guilt would come sprayin' out of your ears.
I'm sorry if my on-air material isn't racist enough for you.
It's insulting to me that there are no black writers in the room.
It's insulting to me that you think I need help.
Well, you're just gonna have to be insulted, then.
We'll take my car.
I didn't go up there to do anything.
I went up there to tell him that Simon's mic was open while he was talking to Tom about "The Star Spangled Banner","The 700 Club" and you, and he needed to know that Martha O'Dell had that stuff in her notebook.
And you ended up almost kissing him.
Not even almost, and there's no reason anyone else needs to know.
Please don't tell Samantha.
I'm right here.
Yeah, that's right.
Excuse me.
Jordan.
Hi.
Hi Jeannie, Samantha.
Great show tonight.
Thanks.
Hey, we heard you got Trevor Laughlin's pilot script about the U.N.
Yes.
He was gonna go to HBO, but Danny, as a matter of fact, was the one who talked him over to us.
Danny's very persuasive.
Yeah.
So I don't have any friends.
Because you bought Trevor Laughlin's script?
No.
I mean in general.
I used to have friends, I was very popular.
In my high school yearbook I was voted 2nd Runner-Up for "Life of the Party."
Really?
Yeah.
Just missed that top spot by two.
I know.
- Bummer.
Tell me.
Jordan?
Yeah.
Are you trying to make friends right now?
How am I doing?
Fine.
Would you like to hang out with us at the party?
I would love to.
I think if you gave me a chance, you'd find me delightful.
All right, well, let's not go for too much on your first try.
Understood.
We've gotta go out there and say hi to a couple of people, but we'll hook up with you.
This is so great.
Relax.
Okay.
Also, I'm meeting up with a guy.
Oh, the baseball player?
Darren Wells, yeah.
My secretary had a copy of In Touch open on her desk.
And there was a blurb about you right next to a blurb about me speculating on the various men I've been with at underground sex clubs.
Yeah.
My father enjoyed reading that.
I'll bet.
Want to go out?
Yeah.
How'd you guys meet?
Darren and me?
Yeah.
I was singing the National Anthem at a Dodger game, and he signed a bat for me and wrote his phone number on it.
Oh, nice!
Yeah.
You think there's any chance he'd write an autograph for my nephew?
He's got a collection.
Sure.
All right, then my current task is to find a baseball.
Guys?
Yes.
Have you met Jordan McDeere?
We haven't.
This is Alex Dwyer and Dylan Killington.
I'm a big, big fan.
You guys do a great job.
Oh, thank you, Miss McDeere.
We appreciate that.
Oh call me...
No call me Miss McDeere.
I like that.
Jordan needs a baseball.
I thought one of you guys might have one.
Yeah, either that or in the prop room.
Can you help her?
Sure.
Also, I find myself in the market for some new friends, so just so you know, if anything develops in that arena I'm open to it.
Okay, great.
Thank you for waiting.
Tars and Spars, huh?
Yeah, yeah...
Listen, what I want to do is get you home.
You're not in any trouble at all.
I just need your name.
Bessie Biberman.
Bessie...
Bessie...
Bessie Biberman?
B-I-B-E-R?
No, no, no, no.
Scott Trumbo.
Uh...
is it Bessie Biberman or Scott Trumbo?
Cole Lardner.
Sir, do you have a wallet or any identification?
Okay, what I'd like to do is, I'm gonna reach inside your jacket to see if you have a wallet.
But before I do, I'm gonna bring a third person in, 'cause frankly, nothing personal, but I need a witness that I didn't do anything wrong.
Would you wait here another moment, please?
Hey...
Good bargain, that's a good deal.
That's a great, great deal.
It's a steal.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey!
Hey, where you been?
Listen, there's a guy, an old guy, 80-something, and he wandered backstage and he's lost and he wasn't all there to begin with.
He just kinda mutters like Geoffrey Rush in Shine, and one of the things he said was "Don't send me back to Tars and Spars."
That was Sid Caesar's thing, wasn't it?
Yeah, Caesar played saxophone in the Tars and Spars Band in the Coast Guard during World War II till somebody found out he was funny and then they put him out front.
When he was on TV he would tell the writers it had to be good, you don't want to get sent back to Tars and Spars.
What's his name?
I asked him and he gave me three names.
Bessie Biberman, Scott Trumbo, Cole Lardner.
What?
He's messing with you.
What do you mean?
Those aren't three names, they're six names.
Bessie, Biberman, Scott, Trumbo, Cole, Lardner.
He named you six of the Hollywood Ten.
This guy's playin' me.
Let security deal with it.
Can't find his way home, but he can do an anagram?
In 1926, two brothers named Jack and Harry Warner used the Addison to hold the first test of adding sound to moving pictures.
The Warner brothers bought it and converted it into a movie palace.
The first movie they showed here was The Jazz Singer.
Oh!
The story of a guy who wanted to do something for a living that his father didn't like.
I get it, Mark.
Tom.
Sorry.
Tom.
It was a movie theatre until November 30, 1941, exactly one week before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.
That's when a fledgling network of radio stations called the National Broadcasting System, in an effort to compete with its older and better established cousins, CBS and NBC, bought the Addison, gutted it-- keeping all the original architecture and Art Deco fixtures-- and turned it into a broadcast studio for radio plays.
The most famous of these was a Sunday night series called The Studio 60 Theatre of the Air.
After the war, radio gave way to television and the first show here was called The NBS Philco Comedy Hour, which no one's ever heard of because it had the misfortune of being programmed first against The Colgate Comedy Hour and then The Texaco Star Theatre.
Then it was canceled after its cast and writing staff were decimated by the blacklist.
In 1959, NBS renamed the theatre in honor of its most famous tenant, and the Addison became Studio 60.
I've got a question.
Yeah.
When did you become an interior decorator?
Dad...
Art Deco fixtures?
I'm just telling you a story, Dad.
I'm trying to take your mind off of it.
That's what I do.
Okay, I don't want you two to fight.
Tommy, tell us how you put the skits together.
We don't do skits, Mom.
Skitsare when the football players dress up as the cheerleaders and think it's wit.
Sketches are when some of the best minds in comedy come together and put on a national television show that's watched and talked about by millions of people.
Don't you talk to your mother like that.
I'm trying to tell you you're standing in the middle of The Paris Opera House of American television.
Well, that's swe, Tom, but your little brother is standing in the middle of Afghanistan!
All right, it's okay.
It's okay.
{PUB} Hi, guys.
Come on, they only got a minute here.
They're only gonna be here a minute.
They don't have time to hear 19 sitcom pitches.
Thanks, Bud.
I said, "Well, can you just take out the middle slice of bread, not use any bacon and unplug the toaster?
All of a sudden, I'm Nicholson in Five Easy Pieces.
(imitating Nicholson): "Hold it between your knees."
Not a lot of Nicholson fans here tonight, huh?
Okay.
Well, folks, our next comic's from New York City where he's been wowing audiences at Catch a Rising Star and Caroline's.
You may have seen him on Showtime at the Apollo.
Let's give it up for Willy Wilz.
Hi.
What's happenin'?
Okay, I see we got some white people in the house tonight.
I got a little pet name I use for white people.
It's spelled "bitches."
I'll tell you what makes me laugh though.
Getting into an argument with white people.
'Cause you can't do it, we don't speak the same language.
'Cause when I get in an argument, I'll be like, "What?
Okay, bitch, you want to step to me?
I'll take your ass outside and give you a beat-down."
White dude'll be like-- (nasally white boy imitation): "Okey-dokey, there, homie.
Let's go have a tete-a-tete, broham to broham."
But I don't hate white people.
See, I do love the fact that y'all insist on paying your damn bills on time.
White people go outta town, they pay their light, car, gas, rent, everything months in advance, just in case they get waylaid in Honolulu or something.
When black people go out of town, we say "See you in court, bitch."
Matter of fact, if you the landlord, and black people go out of town-- guess what, you just got your bitch-ass chumped.
But I will say this-- black people make more black people.
We love to have kids, man.
I got baby mamas on top of baby mamas, for real.
I done run outta names for my kids, man.
My next son name is "Oops."
If I have one more kid, I can...
Simon.
Maybe the rest gets better.
I can do the rest.
Somethin' tells me Willy likes his bitches "with a big ol' ass"!
can't resist a bitch with a big ol' badonkadonk ass I can put a saddle on, be like "pyah, pyah."
There is nothing like the wit and originality of the differences between white people and black.
And apparently, the biggest difference is that we don't pay our bills, respect the law, women or each other.
Well, maybe he just needs-- What he needs is a bottle of Colt 45 and a bucket of fried chicken, Matt.
It wasn't that bad.
Don't patronize me.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I dragged you out here.
You have better things to do with your time off.
No, I don't.
Come on, let's sit down and have a couple of beers.
Come on.
All right, I'm buyin' 'em.
Damn right.
Okay, sir.
This is Lily Rodriguez, our assistant director.
I'm gonna reach inside your jacket.
And we score.
Department of Veteran Affairs.
Your name is Eli Weinraub?
Yes.
It doesn't say where he lives.
Does the V.A.
have a number I can call this late on a Friday?
I don't know, but I have someone I can call at home who can access the L.A.
County database.
Who?
They're gonna be giving me information they're not allowed to give out so I can't tell you.
Is there anyone willing to say a name tonight?
Relax, I'm gonna get him home.
Nice trick with the Hollywood Ten, but I'm not as dumb as I look.
Oh, yeah.
Well, he's so...
Yeah.
We've been dating in the rock scene, but we've been thinking about athletes.
Well that's great, man, 'cause athletes have been thinkin' about you.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Like how?
Well, like...
Excuse me.
Whoa, whoa-- What can I do for you?
Nothing, but thanks for asking.
I'm Jordan McDeere and you're drinking my booze.
It's okay, she's the president of the network.
Sorry about that.
No problem.
I'm Darren Wells.
Yes, I know.
I've been reading about you.
Yeah.
Listen, I was hoping you'd sign a baseball for me.
We've been looking pretty hard for a baseball and here's what we've come up with so...
This is an orange that props painted to look like a baseball.
And this one explodes.
These are my friends.
It's okay, we've got a baseball.
L.C.
Wow, you carry around baseballs.
That is...
efficient.
Yeah.
So, uh, you like the clubs.
The Cubs?
The clubs.
I've been reading.
Ah, come on, gimme a break.
Appreciate it, thank you.
So it turns out you're a war hero, huh?
We called them over at the Wasserman Assisted Living Residence, they were very worried about you.
You've got a lot of friends over there.
We called you a cab and Lilly's gonna see you home.
Listen, I'm sorry, before the cab gets here, I'm a real World War II buff.
I used to set up little scenes with toy soldiers that I'd paint myself and then I'd shoot it in Super 8.
Which would help explain why I didn't kiss a girl until I was 19.
You were a part of "Flotilla 10"?
Operation Overlord?
What was Operation Overlord?
You'd know it by another name.
What?
The Invasion of Normandy?
Headquarters 116th Infantry.
You left Weymouth, England, on June 5th aboard the USS LCI.
Landing craft didn't get names.
You landed the next day, June 6th.
A man rope ran to the beach, weaving between stakes topped with Teller mines.
The thing is, when the tide rose, the boat swung toward a stake and detonated one of the mines, exploding at the port bow.
You took shrapnel in your chest and face.
Is that how you got that scar?
Well, anyway...
you won World War II, so thanks.
Thank you.
It was nice meeting you.
Lilly'll take care of you from here.
Come on.
Whoa, wait, the picture.
I almost forgot.
A promise is a promise.
I don't know why you want it, but you worked hard enough to get it, so...
Cal?
What does this look like to you?
It looks like that guy's got a scar on his face.
This is you.
I only had the one sketch get on the air before...
Before what?
Clifford Odets.
I met him once, but no one believes me now.
It was at a dinner at Musso and Frank's.
The night before he was going to Washington to testify.
And he...
slammed his fist down on the table...
And he said, "By God, I'll show them the face of a radical."
The next day, he named names.
That's what killed him, you know.
He died from that.
We're gonna hold off on that cab for a minute.
Lily, *Walsh* pull him in the regist'room.
{PUB} I'm living in a new house now.
You haven't been there.
I'm up in the hills near the Hollywood sign and from my pool, I can see South Central.
I saw a murder up close when I was 15.
Three guys shot a friend of ours about ten times in the chest with .38's.
You know, it doesn't look like it does in the movies.
Ask a homicide cop.
It ain't poetry in motion.
Everything inside comes out of every part of you.
Anyway, we spent the next day planning how we were gonna kill these guys who did it.
And when it was time, the leader of the guys I ran with, a guy named Donyell, turned to me and said, "You're not goin'".
I said, "Like hell I'm not goin'".
He said, "You're not goin'.
You go, and I'll kill you first."
Those guys are all doin' consecutive life sentences with no chance of parole.
They weren't charged as juveniles.
Donyell is in a federal maximum security facility in Minnesota.
Every month, I send him the only things I'm allowed to send him.
Cigarettes and stamps.
I can see it from my pool, Matt.
And if I don't reach in there and grab as many of them as I can carry-- every day-- then I deserve to get sent right back to it.
But there's nothing I can do for Willy Wilz.
My name is Darius Hawthorne.
Yeah, I know.
Is he a wide-out for the Bruins or a 19th century naturalist?
I get that all the time.
Whoever's up there now's gettin' met with pretty stunning indifference. "
I got baby mamas all over the place.
I got so many kids I've run outta names."
Hang on. "
You steppin'-to you bitch-ass white boy?"
Hang on. "
I will bitch your bitch-ass all over the mother-bitchin' beyatch."
Shut up a second.
...was pretty much it-- a life of crime and drugs for me.
And to be completely honest with you, where I come from, you could do a whole lot worse.
I'm not sure I'm in step with the rest of the African-American community.
I carry the scars of slavery like everyone else, but it's somehow important to me that I know that while we were slaves, we were good when stacked up next to other slaves throughout history, and I don't know if we were.
I'm lookin' at the pyramids in Egypt, which were built by slaves and I'm thinkin', "Whoa, nobody told us we could use geometry."
God sent the Hebrew slaves Moses.
Don't get me wrong, I like the Emancipation Proclamation, but the Hebrews got a burning bush, plagues, the slaying of the first born, the parting of the Red Sea...
We got a memo. "
Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I'm free at last."
All right, thanks and everything, but you were phoning it in and you know it.
You're boring.
Lock it out.
I-I-I don't think the way I'm supposed to think.
You know, I went to the barbershop, sat down in the chair and the barber picked up a pair of scissors and lit up a joint at the same time.
The stuff smelled out of this world.
Someone took a lot of care in the growing of this weed.
This is one-hit pot and he tells me he can sell me some for ten dollars.
I should be thinking here's a wasted guy with a pair of scissors pointed at my head, but what I'm thinking is, "How can he sell this fine a product at such affordable prices?"
Then give us some.
He just needs discipline.
That's my show.
I'm Matt Albie, this is Simon Stiles.
I know.
I know.
Were you just there?
You got your ass kic