TV-Serie: Scrubs - 4x21
In my 4 years, there have been many emergencies at Sacread Heart, but none like this one, because today...
Where is he?
Dr.
Cox's son needed two stitches.
Dr.
Cox, I got there as soon as I-- Shut it, Newbie.
Yor blacker half is trying to concentrate.
Are you holding up?
I'm a little nervous.
Well now you make me all nervous.
And focus, because that tiny patch of skin on my son's forehead is more important to me than the entirety of your whole high five and head-shaving air-ball and mole lipping, insuline-needing existence, which I garantee you will come to an abrupt, very unnatural end.
Okay, I'm done.
We all held our breath together.
The surgeon lives!
The Todd forgot to breath again.
Starting C.P.R...
Mr.
Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
I took some pills.
Come on, help me out here.
Were they happy pills, sad pills, sleep pills, ke-up pills, sane pills, pain pills, brain pills, spain pills...
Man pills..
The commercial says I should consult a physician if the condition persists for more than 4 hours.
If what persists?
Oh, um let's just say you took uppers.
Hey, dude, check out what I found when I was taking out the trash!
That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen.
And I must have it.
Aren't you gonna be late to meet Carla?
I've got time.
Turk and Carla were having relationship trouble, so she'd been staying at Elliot's for a few days.
You were late the last time.
Yeah, but I set the clock ahead an hour last night so I wouldn't be late.
Yeah, but last week I set it back 3 hours so we could see what it felt like to live in Honolulu.
Yeah, but then I set the clock ahead 5 hours so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve for watching porn in the middle of the day.
But then I set it back 43 minutes to 8:08, turned the clock upside down to see if it looked like the word "bob," which, incidentally, it totally does...
That's true.
Which means that it's actually...
9:52!
9:52!
Oh, my god, dude!
I gotta be downtown in like 8 minutes!
Dude, we're never gonna make it in time!
Take a shortcut through that hedge!
You've got it, player!
Hold on, buddie.
That was a thick bush.
Oh, really, Turk, was it a thick bush?
Because there's berries in my ass.
Just go!
Sorry, bob that dude, bob that.
Don't worry, Turk I got 'em!
Strike!
Turk, why are you wearing pajamas?
Uh, I really want you to come home, and on the off chance you said yes, I'd be ready to snuggle, and that would hopefully lead to-- but not necessarily require-- relations of the intimate nature.
Turk, with everything that's happened, I'm just having trouble trusting you.
Baby, if there's anyone in this world that you can trust, it's me.
Turk, you're the one I don't know if I can trust.
So, how am I supposed to trust that I can trust you telling me that I can trust you?
My head hurts.
I wish I knew how it was going.
Sorry about your hogs, fellas.
Enjoy the free espressos.
Warlord, I told you to sip it.
Uh, it...
Use your words.
Warlord burn mouth.
Yeah, he did because he wasn't listening.
Napkin on your lap, Satan's valet.
Thank you.
Transcripts Raceman + Lilik & nColas Synchro elanouil Scrubs episode 4x21 My Lips Are Sealed www.forom.com Hey, what are you doing Frankeinstein?
Photo journal for my photography class.
Terrific.
Could I see your camera?
Hmm.
Very interesting.
Oh, there's film in it.
Hey!
All my pictures were in there!
Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.
Do you have any idea of what events would unfold if Jordan were to actually see that picture?
It is a heart-wrenching tale of woe involving Jordan's second cousin who plays for the new england patriots and me having a SuperBowl ring removed from my esophagus.
No, Jordan's never going to see these stitches.
Well, I hope you realize this means war.
Ah, buzz off, you big monkey.
Poor Mr.
Gerst.
I wonder what that's like to have an erection for 9 hours.
Ask me in 20 minutes.
Oh, get this.
He doesn't even have erectile dysfunction.
I mean, why would you take those drugs if you didn't need them?
What's this?
Why, it's a dummygram, and it's addressed to you, Barbie.
Let's read it and find out what's in there.
You are disturbingly naive.
Stop!
Almost 50% of E.D.
drugs are taken by recreational users.
-Stop!
That can't be true.
Everyone Would you go ahead and close your eyes for a second?
Great.
Now, would all the men in the room who have tried Mr.
Happy Pills go ahead and grab your fork and bang your glass.
Thank you!
Ted, everyone stopped!
Oh, damn it!
Dude, she's got this whole trust issue with me.
Just tell her she can trust you.
I did, but apparently, if I'm the one she didn't know she could trust How is she supposed to trust she can trust me telling her she can trust me?
My head hurts.
Yeah, mine did, too.
That's why I need you to go in.
No way, dude.
It's never smart to get in the middle of someone else's relationship.
I'll let you wear my top hat.
Hey!
Want to grab a beer?
If you lose the hat.
Hi.
Hello there.
What's with all the band-aids?
Oh, Jack was just getting nutty, having some fun.
See, I even let him put one on me.
Really?
Yeah.
Are those stitches What at the odd did you pick that one?
Jack just--he just fell off of the jungle gym.
You're not careful enough with him!
What about the time you had him and he brained himself on the coffee table?
That was an accident.
Just a quick question.
Why is it an accident when he's with you, but when Jack gets hurt on my time, it's because I'm not carefull enough?
Because I-- Oh, dear God....
You're speechless.
I won!
I won an argument.
Jack, it's unprecedented.
We'll be at the playground drinking beer.
Oh, god, we love beer!
But-- That guy needs to do some serious thinking about baseball.
He wouldn't even let me see it.
Hey, meathead.
Oh, good, you both looked.
Now, Mr.
Gerst came here for help, and we're doctors, so how about we try and treat him with at least a little bit of dignity and respect, ok?
That man is a human sundial.
Oh, it's so nice to get out.
Oh, hey, do you know who sings the song?
No, but I can tell you who doesn't sing it-- Billy Joel, who brought us such hits as uptown girl and matter of trust and speaking of trust, Do you know who's really trustworthy?
Turk.
I call him turkey-turkey-turkey- turkey-trust-trust.
A little nickname.
J.D., I know what you're trying to do and it's very sweet, but the last couple of days have been so messed up and confusing.
I'd love to just try and forget about it and have a few drinks, ok?
But I told Turk I'd talk about him constantly until you made me leave.
I'll let you put the hat back on.
Two appletinis, governor.
Right back up on the monkey bars even after she chipped her tooth there last week.
That's nothing.
My kid's got a forehead full of stitches from leaping off the jungle gym.
When my wife's not around...
Yeah?
I let my daughter stand on my shoulders.
Really?
Wait till you get a load of this.
Ok, here we go.
What are we doing?
Come here, you.
You come here, you.
Giant man, why are you making that noise?
Oh.
Well, because my camera doesn't make a real sound, and it's more fun that way.
See?
You go...
Look happy.
Look sad.
Look crazy.
Look like you're going away.
You're coming in because you need to set an example of professionalism, and you're certainly not going to do that by making fun of that man's slinky-doo.
Don't pull me!
I'm your boss, for god's-- Hello!
Well, Mr.
Gerst, your situation doesn't seem to be reversing itself, So I think we're gonna need to schedule a procedure to relieve the, uh, Woodiness.
My fianc�e is only 24, and she said she wanted to do something special this morning.
Turns out she just meant having breakfast with her family.
Those pills didn't really kick in until just about the moment I'm introduced to her 90-year-old grandmother.
And sure enough, that little lady gives me the waist hug from her wheelchair.
Excuse me, I need that chart.
Sweetheart, it's not healthy to hold it in.
Just let it out.
You know you want to.
I'm fine.
I pulled away from that encounter with all of grandma Helen's breathing apparatus.
My work here is done.
Oh, my god, I can't stop!
I'm sorry.
I have to pee.
Ok, J.D., why are we sitting up here?
Because you can see Elliot's whole apartment from up here.
J.D., You're drunk.
Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Wait a minute-- Then why can't you let go of the couch?
I can't let go of the couch if I so choose.
Ok, let go of the couch.
Let it go.
You see?
There are many things we can't control no matter how strong we might be...
Like a knee-jerk reaction...
I'm--I'm so sorry.
I'm done.
I'm done.
Yes.
It's ok.
Or a janitor who has it in for you.
Hi.
Look what someone was nice enough to give me.
Janitor.
Oh, thank you for helping me have some fun tonight.
You're welcome.
And sometimes you let go of the control you do in a brief moment of weakness.
Sorry.
Drunken accident.
Nothing happened.
Right.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Buenas noches.
Buenas...
nose things.
Good night.
Like she said, everything's fine.
Nothing like the rays of the morning sun kissing you awake and gently reminding you that you got drunk and kissed your best friend's wife.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
So it really happened?
Yeah, but it was nothing!
Nothing!
No, there wasn't even any tongue!
No tongue!
It was just a friend kiss.
Were your lips parted at all?
No, I pursed them like this.
I don't know, J.D., I remember my one lip being on top of your upper lip and my other lip being somewhere in the middle of yours, which means your lips were apart and...
I don't think that's a friend kiss!
Yes, it is, it's a friend kiss, and we will never talk about this to anyone ever!
All right.
What's going on?
Nothing.
J.D.
And I kissed.
Carla!
You kissed?
Like a friend kiss?
Yes.
No!
Carla!
You're killing me!
This never leaves the room!
Why did you close my window?
Oh, no!
She wrote "J.D.
And Carla kissed" on the paper and she's gonna tell Turk!
No, no, stop her!
Don't worry, ladies, I've closed the window.
J.D., I don't have a messenger monkey.
All right, fine, I'm a little rougher than you are, but guess what?
The two of us have two distinctly different parenting styles.
You're an overbearing, hyper-cautious psychotic, and I'm, well, you know...
fun.
And I think if we can meet somewhere in the middle, I think Jack's gonna be terrific.
Besides, it's not like I ever put him in any real danger.
Flip!
Flip?
What does "flip" mean, Perry?
Jack probably thinks that mommy and daddy are being a little too sarcastic with each other.
Maybe.
Or it's because every time he says "flip," daddy does a little trick where he grabs Jack by the ankles, he flips him upside down, he drops him down onto his shoulders, and then...
puts him in a little baby trapeze, shoots him across the sand box without a net.
You are never taking Jack to the park without me.
Ever!
Jordan...
A trapeze?!
Yeah.
Photoshop.
You can do anything.
Here I have you wearing a duck's bill.
Get it?
Because you're a quack.
No?
Come on.
Classic comedy my friend.
He'll learn.
I'm such a horrible person.
I mean, there I was, up on my high horse about Mr.
Gerst, and then I just turned out to be just as bad as everyone else.
Sweetheart, give yourself some credit.
You were much worse than everyone else.
Maybe I was, but you know what?
I'm gonna try and better myself.
And, unlike you, I'm gonna follow through, Mr.
Sign-up-on-the-hospital-bulletin-board-for -private-german-lessons-and-never-show-up.
Yeah, that's right.
It was my flier...
I waited at that coffe shop for hours I broke up with my german mistress.
She smells like sauerkraut.
I'm so sorry.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm to go to that room right now, and own up to what I did.
Hello?
Did someone come in?
I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place in the hospital where I knew no one would ever venture.
Ted?
Ted?
A little help!
Ted, what are you doing?
I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
Ted, lunch was 4 hours ago.
Yep, I wasted most of my tuesday.
It's wednesday.
Oh, man, I missed the Gilmore girls!
There you are.
Hey, Ted.
Hey.
So how did it go last night?
Whoa!
What's with the fifth degree?
Dude, don't you mean third degree?
No, because this is two degrees worse.
I can't breathe.
It's like you're all over me.
I'm trapped in a death coffin.
Calm down.
I just wanted to see if you got anywhere with Carla.
All right, he knows your lying face, but silence is incriminating, too.
So think!
What's between silence and talking?
Turk?
I thought you could take me over to Elliot's place to get my stuff so I could move back in.
Yeah, sure-- Really?
All right-- meet me downstairs, ok?
Ok.
I owe you one.
Ted, you should probably sit down.
You're looking a little purple.
I know my own body.
Thanks for saving my ass.
Well, I wasn't saving your ass.
I didn't realize how easy it is to make little mistakes.
They're stupid little mistakes that seem like nothing, but can snowball on you and take your whole marriage with it, you know?
I feel like I really understand now how turk could have let stuff like that happen, you know?
So I forgave him.
Oh, well, I guess I'm glad we kissed then.
Me, too.
You guys ready?
Yeah, we are.
Let's do it.
Ok, we just saw the plastic surgeon.
Jack is fine, but if the cut was 4 inches to the left and 7 inches deeper, it could have potentially scratched his eye.
That was a close one.
What a sweet little angel.
Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Of course.
Back off their, lady.
How's about you save up all that energy for the cruise?
Go on, get out of here.
Hippity-hop to the barber shop.
Come on, mom.
Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease, and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.
I normally never let people touch him.
Oh, really?
Because these photographs would beg to differ.
Old lady kissing Jack, teenage girl hugging Jack, homeless man...
holding Jack.
Jordan!
It's just Carl.
He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax.
What's the matter with me?
I mean, I don't think twice about people holding him, and yet I obsess about things like broken arms, broken legs, choking, kidnapping, drowning, silly putty, bad babysitters, pretty babysitters.
Yeah, I pretty much freak out over staff infections, blood disease, mumps, measles, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and definitely all registered independents, so I think between us we've got it covered.
Was this taken at my mother's house?
I gotta go.
Dude, that did not happen.
No, I'm in the hospital because I-- they think I have avian flu.
I gotta call you back.
How long have you been there?
Oh, 47, 48 minutes.
I'm not sure, I nodded off for a while.
Mr.
Gerst I'm so sorry for laughing at you But I have to tell you a story When I was in the seventh grade, I was at a roller rink and I needed to go to the bathroom.
So I just skated right on into a stall and I did my, uh, private business, and then when I went to pull up my pants, I started rolling towards the door, which as it turned out, wasn't latched.
Now, I don't know if you've had any experience roller skating with your underpants around your ankles.
It's very difficult to stop Unless, of course, you know, you scream so loud that they turn off the music and everyone is looking at you.
Anyway, that's how I wound up with the nickname "roller moler."
I'm sorry?
I have a mole on my ass.
Oh.
The cute kind, not the hairy kind.
Anyway, the next day I showed up at school with roller skates on, and everybody cracked up.
Why are you telling this?
Because I owned up to it.
This is funny, Mr Gerst, and if you don't just embrace it and become part of the joke, then it will follow you around and devour you.
Can I get a look at tha mole?
No.
Ahem.
No.
This is nice, the three of us sitting together again like a three musketeers.
Yeah.
And I need you guys to scrape your plates before you put them in the dishwasher.
She's back.
My baby's back!
Carla was right.
If a relationship's gonna work, it has to be based on trust, like a wife trusting her husband again.
Hey.
Hey.
Your kid's back on the jungle gym.
Oh, sure.
Guess your wife backed down.
You bet your sweet ass she did.
Even if it involves a compromise.
Hey, Jack!
Just blink when you want me to get you down.
Just give me the old blink-a-roonie.
Terrific athlete.
I'm thinking 2016 olympics.
Oh, god, was that a blink?
Excuse me.
Or a patient trusting his doctor to help him hold on to his dignity.
Yes, and then I pulled off grandma's breathing apparatus.
No, I'm serious.
May take a lot of work, but it's worth it.
Wow, that was a moist kiss.
Wish I was wearing an apron.
Baby, from here on out, I hide nothing from you.
It's a clean start for us.
Sports time!
Because in the end, things work out for the best.
J.D.
And I kissed.
Or not.
www.forom.com
Where is he?
Dr.
Cox's son needed two stitches.
Dr.
Cox, I got there as soon as I-- Shut it, Newbie.
Yor blacker half is trying to concentrate.
Are you holding up?
I'm a little nervous.
Well now you make me all nervous.
And focus, because that tiny patch of skin on my son's forehead is more important to me than the entirety of your whole high five and head-shaving air-ball and mole lipping, insuline-needing existence, which I garantee you will come to an abrupt, very unnatural end.
Okay, I'm done.
We all held our breath together.
The surgeon lives!
The Todd forgot to breath again.
Starting C.P.R...
Mr.
Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
I took some pills.
Come on, help me out here.
Were they happy pills, sad pills, sleep pills, ke-up pills, sane pills, pain pills, brain pills, spain pills...
Man pills..
The commercial says I should consult a physician if the condition persists for more than 4 hours.
If what persists?
Oh, um let's just say you took uppers.
Hey, dude, check out what I found when I was taking out the trash!
That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen.
And I must have it.
Aren't you gonna be late to meet Carla?
I've got time.
Turk and Carla were having relationship trouble, so she'd been staying at Elliot's for a few days.
You were late the last time.
Yeah, but I set the clock ahead an hour last night so I wouldn't be late.
Yeah, but last week I set it back 3 hours so we could see what it felt like to live in Honolulu.
Yeah, but then I set the clock ahead 5 hours so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve for watching porn in the middle of the day.
But then I set it back 43 minutes to 8:08, turned the clock upside down to see if it looked like the word "bob," which, incidentally, it totally does...
That's true.
Which means that it's actually...
9:52!
9:52!
Oh, my god, dude!
I gotta be downtown in like 8 minutes!
Dude, we're never gonna make it in time!
Take a shortcut through that hedge!
You've got it, player!
Hold on, buddie.
That was a thick bush.
Oh, really, Turk, was it a thick bush?
Because there's berries in my ass.
Just go!
Sorry, bob that dude, bob that.
Don't worry, Turk I got 'em!
Strike!
Turk, why are you wearing pajamas?
Uh, I really want you to come home, and on the off chance you said yes, I'd be ready to snuggle, and that would hopefully lead to-- but not necessarily require-- relations of the intimate nature.
Turk, with everything that's happened, I'm just having trouble trusting you.
Baby, if there's anyone in this world that you can trust, it's me.
Turk, you're the one I don't know if I can trust.
So, how am I supposed to trust that I can trust you telling me that I can trust you?
My head hurts.
I wish I knew how it was going.
Sorry about your hogs, fellas.
Enjoy the free espressos.
Warlord, I told you to sip it.
Uh, it...
Use your words.
Warlord burn mouth.
Yeah, he did because he wasn't listening.
Napkin on your lap, Satan's valet.
Thank you.
Transcripts Raceman + Lilik & nColas Synchro elanouil Scrubs episode 4x21 My Lips Are Sealed www.forom.com Hey, what are you doing Frankeinstein?
Photo journal for my photography class.
Terrific.
Could I see your camera?
Hmm.
Very interesting.
Oh, there's film in it.
Hey!
All my pictures were in there!
Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.
Do you have any idea of what events would unfold if Jordan were to actually see that picture?
It is a heart-wrenching tale of woe involving Jordan's second cousin who plays for the new england patriots and me having a SuperBowl ring removed from my esophagus.
No, Jordan's never going to see these stitches.
Well, I hope you realize this means war.
Ah, buzz off, you big monkey.
Poor Mr.
Gerst.
I wonder what that's like to have an erection for 9 hours.
Ask me in 20 minutes.
Oh, get this.
He doesn't even have erectile dysfunction.
I mean, why would you take those drugs if you didn't need them?
What's this?
Why, it's a dummygram, and it's addressed to you, Barbie.
Let's read it and find out what's in there.
You are disturbingly naive.
Stop!
Almost 50% of E.D.
drugs are taken by recreational users.
-Stop!
That can't be true.
Everyone Would you go ahead and close your eyes for a second?
Great.
Now, would all the men in the room who have tried Mr.
Happy Pills go ahead and grab your fork and bang your glass.
Thank you!
Ted, everyone stopped!
Oh, damn it!
Dude, she's got this whole trust issue with me.
Just tell her she can trust you.
I did, but apparently, if I'm the one she didn't know she could trust How is she supposed to trust she can trust me telling her she can trust me?
My head hurts.
Yeah, mine did, too.
That's why I need you to go in.
No way, dude.
It's never smart to get in the middle of someone else's relationship.
I'll let you wear my top hat.
Hey!
Want to grab a beer?
If you lose the hat.
Hi.
Hello there.
What's with all the band-aids?
Oh, Jack was just getting nutty, having some fun.
See, I even let him put one on me.
Really?
Yeah.
Are those stitches What at the odd did you pick that one?
Jack just--he just fell off of the jungle gym.
You're not careful enough with him!
What about the time you had him and he brained himself on the coffee table?
That was an accident.
Just a quick question.
Why is it an accident when he's with you, but when Jack gets hurt on my time, it's because I'm not carefull enough?
Because I-- Oh, dear God....
You're speechless.
I won!
I won an argument.
Jack, it's unprecedented.
We'll be at the playground drinking beer.
Oh, god, we love beer!
But-- That guy needs to do some serious thinking about baseball.
He wouldn't even let me see it.
Hey, meathead.
Oh, good, you both looked.
Now, Mr.
Gerst came here for help, and we're doctors, so how about we try and treat him with at least a little bit of dignity and respect, ok?
That man is a human sundial.
Oh, it's so nice to get out.
Oh, hey, do you know who sings the song?
No, but I can tell you who doesn't sing it-- Billy Joel, who brought us such hits as uptown girl and matter of trust and speaking of trust, Do you know who's really trustworthy?
Turk.
I call him turkey-turkey-turkey- turkey-trust-trust.
A little nickname.
J.D., I know what you're trying to do and it's very sweet, but the last couple of days have been so messed up and confusing.
I'd love to just try and forget about it and have a few drinks, ok?
But I told Turk I'd talk about him constantly until you made me leave.
I'll let you put the hat back on.
Two appletinis, governor.
Right back up on the monkey bars even after she chipped her tooth there last week.
That's nothing.
My kid's got a forehead full of stitches from leaping off the jungle gym.
When my wife's not around...
Yeah?
I let my daughter stand on my shoulders.
Really?
Wait till you get a load of this.
Ok, here we go.
What are we doing?
Come here, you.
You come here, you.
Giant man, why are you making that noise?
Oh.
Well, because my camera doesn't make a real sound, and it's more fun that way.
See?
You go...
Look happy.
Look sad.
Look crazy.
Look like you're going away.
You're coming in because you need to set an example of professionalism, and you're certainly not going to do that by making fun of that man's slinky-doo.
Don't pull me!
I'm your boss, for god's-- Hello!
Well, Mr.
Gerst, your situation doesn't seem to be reversing itself, So I think we're gonna need to schedule a procedure to relieve the, uh, Woodiness.
My fianc�e is only 24, and she said she wanted to do something special this morning.
Turns out she just meant having breakfast with her family.
Those pills didn't really kick in until just about the moment I'm introduced to her 90-year-old grandmother.
And sure enough, that little lady gives me the waist hug from her wheelchair.
Excuse me, I need that chart.
Sweetheart, it's not healthy to hold it in.
Just let it out.
You know you want to.
I'm fine.
I pulled away from that encounter with all of grandma Helen's breathing apparatus.
My work here is done.
Oh, my god, I can't stop!
I'm sorry.
I have to pee.
Ok, J.D., why are we sitting up here?
Because you can see Elliot's whole apartment from up here.
J.D., You're drunk.
Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Wait a minute-- Then why can't you let go of the couch?
I can't let go of the couch if I so choose.
Ok, let go of the couch.
Let it go.
You see?
There are many things we can't control no matter how strong we might be...
Like a knee-jerk reaction...
I'm--I'm so sorry.
I'm done.
I'm done.
Yes.
It's ok.
Or a janitor who has it in for you.
Hi.
Look what someone was nice enough to give me.
Janitor.
Oh, thank you for helping me have some fun tonight.
You're welcome.
And sometimes you let go of the control you do in a brief moment of weakness.
Sorry.
Drunken accident.
Nothing happened.
Right.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Buenas noches.
Buenas...
nose things.
Good night.
Like she said, everything's fine.
Nothing like the rays of the morning sun kissing you awake and gently reminding you that you got drunk and kissed your best friend's wife.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
So it really happened?
Yeah, but it was nothing!
Nothing!
No, there wasn't even any tongue!
No tongue!
It was just a friend kiss.
Were your lips parted at all?
No, I pursed them like this.
I don't know, J.D., I remember my one lip being on top of your upper lip and my other lip being somewhere in the middle of yours, which means your lips were apart and...
I don't think that's a friend kiss!
Yes, it is, it's a friend kiss, and we will never talk about this to anyone ever!
All right.
What's going on?
Nothing.
J.D.
And I kissed.
Carla!
You kissed?
Like a friend kiss?
Yes.
No!
Carla!
You're killing me!
This never leaves the room!
Why did you close my window?
Oh, no!
She wrote "J.D.
And Carla kissed" on the paper and she's gonna tell Turk!
No, no, stop her!
Don't worry, ladies, I've closed the window.
J.D., I don't have a messenger monkey.
All right, fine, I'm a little rougher than you are, but guess what?
The two of us have two distinctly different parenting styles.
You're an overbearing, hyper-cautious psychotic, and I'm, well, you know...
fun.
And I think if we can meet somewhere in the middle, I think Jack's gonna be terrific.
Besides, it's not like I ever put him in any real danger.
Flip!
Flip?
What does "flip" mean, Perry?
Jack probably thinks that mommy and daddy are being a little too sarcastic with each other.
Maybe.
Or it's because every time he says "flip," daddy does a little trick where he grabs Jack by the ankles, he flips him upside down, he drops him down onto his shoulders, and then...
puts him in a little baby trapeze, shoots him across the sand box without a net.
You are never taking Jack to the park without me.
Ever!
Jordan...
A trapeze?!
Yeah.
Photoshop.
You can do anything.
Here I have you wearing a duck's bill.
Get it?
Because you're a quack.
No?
Come on.
Classic comedy my friend.
He'll learn.
I'm such a horrible person.
I mean, there I was, up on my high horse about Mr.
Gerst, and then I just turned out to be just as bad as everyone else.
Sweetheart, give yourself some credit.
You were much worse than everyone else.
Maybe I was, but you know what?
I'm gonna try and better myself.
And, unlike you, I'm gonna follow through, Mr.
Sign-up-on-the-hospital-bulletin-board-for -private-german-lessons-and-never-show-up.
Yeah, that's right.
It was my flier...
I waited at that coffe shop for hours I broke up with my german mistress.
She smells like sauerkraut.
I'm so sorry.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm to go to that room right now, and own up to what I did.
Hello?
Did someone come in?
I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place in the hospital where I knew no one would ever venture.
Ted?
Ted?
A little help!
Ted, what are you doing?
I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
Ted, lunch was 4 hours ago.
Yep, I wasted most of my tuesday.
It's wednesday.
Oh, man, I missed the Gilmore girls!
There you are.
Hey, Ted.
Hey.
So how did it go last night?
Whoa!
What's with the fifth degree?
Dude, don't you mean third degree?
No, because this is two degrees worse.
I can't breathe.
It's like you're all over me.
I'm trapped in a death coffin.
Calm down.
I just wanted to see if you got anywhere with Carla.
All right, he knows your lying face, but silence is incriminating, too.
So think!
What's between silence and talking?
Turk?
I thought you could take me over to Elliot's place to get my stuff so I could move back in.
Yeah, sure-- Really?
All right-- meet me downstairs, ok?
Ok.
I owe you one.
Ted, you should probably sit down.
You're looking a little purple.
I know my own body.
Thanks for saving my ass.
Well, I wasn't saving your ass.
I didn't realize how easy it is to make little mistakes.
They're stupid little mistakes that seem like nothing, but can snowball on you and take your whole marriage with it, you know?
I feel like I really understand now how turk could have let stuff like that happen, you know?
So I forgave him.
Oh, well, I guess I'm glad we kissed then.
Me, too.
You guys ready?
Yeah, we are.
Let's do it.
Ok, we just saw the plastic surgeon.
Jack is fine, but if the cut was 4 inches to the left and 7 inches deeper, it could have potentially scratched his eye.
That was a close one.
What a sweet little angel.
Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Of course.
Back off their, lady.
How's about you save up all that energy for the cruise?
Go on, get out of here.
Hippity-hop to the barber shop.
Come on, mom.
Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease, and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.
I normally never let people touch him.
Oh, really?
Because these photographs would beg to differ.
Old lady kissing Jack, teenage girl hugging Jack, homeless man...
holding Jack.
Jordan!
It's just Carl.
He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax.
What's the matter with me?
I mean, I don't think twice about people holding him, and yet I obsess about things like broken arms, broken legs, choking, kidnapping, drowning, silly putty, bad babysitters, pretty babysitters.
Yeah, I pretty much freak out over staff infections, blood disease, mumps, measles, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and definitely all registered independents, so I think between us we've got it covered.
Was this taken at my mother's house?
I gotta go.
Dude, that did not happen.
No, I'm in the hospital because I-- they think I have avian flu.
I gotta call you back.
How long have you been there?
Oh, 47, 48 minutes.
I'm not sure, I nodded off for a while.
Mr.
Gerst I'm so sorry for laughing at you But I have to tell you a story When I was in the seventh grade, I was at a roller rink and I needed to go to the bathroom.
So I just skated right on into a stall and I did my, uh, private business, and then when I went to pull up my pants, I started rolling towards the door, which as it turned out, wasn't latched.
Now, I don't know if you've had any experience roller skating with your underpants around your ankles.
It's very difficult to stop Unless, of course, you know, you scream so loud that they turn off the music and everyone is looking at you.
Anyway, that's how I wound up with the nickname "roller moler."
I'm sorry?
I have a mole on my ass.
Oh.
The cute kind, not the hairy kind.
Anyway, the next day I showed up at school with roller skates on, and everybody cracked up.
Why are you telling this?
Because I owned up to it.
This is funny, Mr Gerst, and if you don't just embrace it and become part of the joke, then it will follow you around and devour you.
Can I get a look at tha mole?
No.
Ahem.
No.
This is nice, the three of us sitting together again like a three musketeers.
Yeah.
And I need you guys to scrape your plates before you put them in the dishwasher.
She's back.
My baby's back!
Carla was right.
If a relationship's gonna work, it has to be based on trust, like a wife trusting her husband again.
Hey.
Hey.
Your kid's back on the jungle gym.
Oh, sure.
Guess your wife backed down.
You bet your sweet ass she did.
Even if it involves a compromise.
Hey, Jack!
Just blink when you want me to get you down.
Just give me the old blink-a-roonie.
Terrific athlete.
I'm thinking 2016 olympics.
Oh, god, was that a blink?
Excuse me.
Or a patient trusting his doctor to help him hold on to his dignity.
Yes, and then I pulled off grandma's breathing apparatus.
No, I'm serious.
May take a lot of work, but it's worth it.
Wow, that was a moist kiss.
Wish I was wearing an apron.
Baby, from here on out, I hide nothing from you.
It's a clean start for us.
Sports time!
Because in the end, things work out for the best.
J.D.
And I kissed.
Or not.
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