TV-Serie: Will & Grace - 5x20
This blows If I wanted to spend a Saturday handling heavy sacks, I would've stayed married to Stanley!
You tricked us, Grace You said, they were casting for a sitcom called "A Gay Guy Two Hags and a Laundromat."
Jack.
Casting directors can't be here around the clock Which is why they have hidden cameras in order to find fresh talent Look, look, the washer in my apartment has been broken for two months.
I'm desperate You have enough underwear to last you two months?
No...
Eh, these are practically done What is this place?
It's pretty Where are the fish?
No, Karen.
It is a "laundry-mat."
People come here to clean their clothes Then, they reuse them Why, poor people are just plain clever I wonder why they can't figure out a way to make more money You've never been to a laundromat before?
What--why am I surprised?
Last week at the post office you kept tapping on the window and feeding peanuts to the clerk Why, there's so much real-life I've never experienced Sectional sofas for sale...
missing cats...
battered women shelters...
Fun!
Honey, look at me I'm finally using the Internet!
Yeah!
Ooh, and here's someone looking for a roommate Hey, should I get a roommate?
Yes.
But don't have sex with him And when you do have sex with him have sex with him a lot Okay Wow, I've really been missing out I'm gonna call this Liz non-smoker She sounds nice "Must have own sheets."
She's got a good sense of humor Hey, brought you some more change I tell you, you walk down Columbus Avenue with two rolls of quarters in your pocket you get a lot of attention Thanks.
Okay, wow Now, what's happening on your feet?
What?
I think she's talking about your shoes, Heidi What?
They're clogs They're good for your back They're good for the back of your closet You know what, the hell with both of you I like 'em.
I'm gonna wear 'em Aah!
Damn it!
I fell off my clog!
Hey!
Not funny, I think I did something bad to my foot Well, you did that when you put the clogs on this morning!
Uh, I mean, are you hurt?
Ow!
Answer me!
Okay, sweetie, you should see a doctor I'll get a cab Aren't you coming with me?
Sweetie The clogs You're gonna be all right, Will Just--just fine.
Just fine Will called from the doctor I guess he actually sprained something So I guess it's just going to be you and me for the good old-fashioned foldin' party Grace, just because you say the words "good old-fashioned," doesn't make it a party Even though I made a good old-fashioned foldin' party mix tape?
Okay, now it's a party Okay.
Do you see?
Do you see why it's a party?
Okay Hey, what's the big idea?
It is such a great song I think we should save it for sock bundling.
Yeah?
Okay.
Okay You know, we would never have this much fun if Will were here You know, he practically ruined my good old-fashioned find-the-bad-smell party Why does he always have to be in such a bad mood?
With those-- With those angry arms Stop taking my money!
Stop leaving crumbs on the carpet!
Stop making fun of my angry arms!
Yup, sometimes he could be a little mean and intense Wow.
Do you think he'd ever kill us?
No, come on It's Will Maybe you should move your glass off the coffee table If we leave one more ring she gonna snap -Oh, my god!
-Oh, my god!
Pick up the glass!
Wipe down the ring!
You're right, first he sees The Ring, and then we die!
Hey, what're you guys doing?
I-I-it's a good old-fashioned folding party It was Grace's idea!
Take her, she has funny genitals!
A good old-fashioned folding party?
Why is it all you have to do is add "good old-fashioned" to something, and you got yourself a good time Heh.
Hey, I hope you saved the fitted sheet for me It's fun to pretend it's a giant shower cap Are--are you okay?
Yeah.
Oh, I mean I was-- I was in a lotta pain But then, the doctor gave me these painkillers, and I feel a lot better About everything, actually Oh!
No good Wow.
Cheery Will I like it Unless he's cheery because he's back there loading his gun!
So I had this apartment to myself for 10 years because I was having an affair with my boss And he paid half the rent so we'd have some place nice to "do It."
Uh-huh But then he got murdered And I-I couldn't really afford it on my own Mmm.
So what's your story?
Well, since my marriage ended I've been living at The Palace And even though I've made a lot of swell friends, it's lonely I wanna...
a real home with...
...with, um, with real people I mean, you're real, right?
Super real So...
Okay, true or false?
I'm easy to live with Um...
True False.
I'm a nitpicker supreme I think it comes from all my years as a professional in the music biz You're in music?
Yeah, I-I didn't want to put it on the ad because then, you know, you just get a bunch of wannabes knocking on the door I'm an office manager for the company that does those collections you see on T.V You know, Hits of the '80s, Ladies of the '80s Rock Ballads of the '80s Heh-heh.
The '90s Well, I can see why you'd wanna keep that a secret, Liz I mean, you must never know if people are really liking you just for you or the '80s hits I know, right?
Right So, um, you should know that you know, I-I like things done a certain way Just ask Melissa and Keith They work under me Like, if they're five minutes late for work I look at my watch...
I look at them...
and they just get it Wow Oh!
Oh, my God.
I totally just bragged Please tell me to shut up Cut to me still talking about myself Um, Liz...
I know we haven't known each other very long but I think that you might be just about the most interesting person I've ever met I could learn tons from you Okay, okay, true or false?
I think you're great Um...
False True!
Oh, this game is so hard!
Ah!
Oh, Jack.
Look, have you seen Will?
I've been tryin' him for a couple of days and he hasn't returned my calls.
Yeah, I think he's home He didn't go to work?
Is he all right?
Is his ankle worse?
Grace, I'm trying to run a business.
Okay?
Hey, sweetie Look!
TiVo saved all the "American Idols" for me I love Paula Abdul And I love that we live in a world that would give a Paula Abdul a second chance Uh, why aren't you at work?
Oh, I'm sick My ankle still hurts Yeah, oh, oh, oh Watch this.
Wait, wait...
Woh-oh-woh-oh Another thing I love Those little interstitials before they go to commercial You know, like-like in "60 Minutes."
Tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-- And stop Are you okay?
Never better Oh, have you ever seen "King of Queens"?
It's funny sometimes!
But I don't really believe that she'd stay with him...
Or do I?
No, I don't think I do Well, I don't have to settle this right now Oh, hey!
I made cookies Oh, thanks, sweetie Oh, boy.
There's chocolate on the carpet I'm sorry.
What a mess Eh, leave it Okay, now you're freakin' me out!!
There are crumbs on the carpet your robe doesn't match your socks and, oh, my God, there's no product in your hair!
I'm calling 9-1-1!
Wait, wait, sweetie, sweetie I'm fine.
You know I-I got those nice little pills Ooh, better call in a refill Already?
Little secret: if you cheat and take 'em a little closer together you can avoid the pain completely Heh!
It's even pretty effective in squashing the lingering ache from having to work so hard for my mother's affection making it nearly impossible for any man to love me enough to make up for the hole she left in my heart Wow.
That may have been the greatest day of my life I love errands They're like mini adventures for undesirables Okay, so your half of the bill is $30.45 and don't try rounding it down like my last roommate 'cause that is just "F'd up."
Well, you don't have to worry about me, Liz I intend to pull my own weight around here Now, did you take a look at the chore wheel?
Because you're in charge of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower Wow.
How did I go my whole life without ever learning any of those words?
Karen!
You shouldn't have bought this cheesecake I'm, like, totally eating healthy this week Ugh!
Heh.
Cut to me eating this whole cheesecake Oh, Liz.
I love when you do "cut to me."
Everybody does Oh, Lizzie.
I rented us a video You are going to get me into so much trouble If you're lucky You're crazy Like a fox I doubt it You wish Don't I ever You and what army?
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, Lizzy...
I'm so glad we're roomies You know, I've lived with men practically my whole life I didn't know what I was missing I mean, the bond that can grow when two single gals share a tacky apartment with too many clocks and vanilla candles You know what, Karen?
Guys just mess everything up...
Or get murdered Yeah We are strong independent career women We don't need men to make us happy You said it, sister So you wanna go see if we can get laid?
Totally Huh.
That's weird Looking for these, Miss Taylor?
What're you doing here?
Give me those No.
We're not going to let you do this to yourself We think you have a problem And we ate all your Mueslix Who's "we"?
We wanna help you, Will Get out of my apartment!
No.
You have a problem You have got to get off gotta get off this merry-go-round I want those pills!
I have pain!
Effie, we all got pain!
Look we understand You're an elderly gay man with a poochie tummy and an unappealing personality Why wouldn't you be in pain?
I-- Wait a minute, those aren't even my pills Those are just old antibiotics They are?
Oh!
Ooh, crack whores are sneaky!
No!
No!
Oh, wait, look!
These pills have become a crutch And these crutches have become a coat rack Damn, you're right Okay, we'll do it your way I'll just, uh...
bring in the paper and we'll make a pot of coffee Start a whole new day.
Hmm We're good friends Smart of us to catch on He's not coming back, right?
No, no, I don't think so Thanks, Tony That's Tony When I first start coming here I thought he was gross Cut to me flat on my back on his futon God, this is great Casual sex, mookie bartenders dirty futons...
This is the stuff of life I'm gonna get an S.T.D.
tonight!
Save my place I rubbed off all my body glitter dancing with that ugly guy You know, it was really nice of me to dance with somebody that looks like that Oh, Karen, good Rosario said you'd be here How did she know where I was?
Apparently, the last time Plastic Surgeon had you under Rosario had a locator chip put in your head Is that what that is?
I always thought that was a piece of a bullet I was just wondering do you-do you have anything for pain?
'Cause, you know, I fell off my clogs and Grace stole my pills Can't you fairies ever sing a different tune?
Hey, Karen.
I like your friend He's very "8 Mile."
Oh.
Hey, roomie This is my 'mo friend, Will Oh He's also a pill head No, no.
No, no, no I'm not a pill head I dated this guy once that was into drugs right around the time that I was into drugs Oh, crap.
I gotta get outta here Maybe my mom's got some pills left over from that arthritis she got when dad told her he didn't love her anymore and maybe never did Karen, have you seen Will?
Excuse you, rude We were talking Oh, this is my boss, Liz The one I was telling you about I've got people working under me too Melissa and Keith.
That's two people Um, I know we just met, but as a gay man I'm oddly drawn to you Yeah, I get that a lot Me too Oh, hey, there's Will Okay, nice to meet you She's really confidant for somebody with such small boobs Come on, feel good buddy I know there's one in here Ah-ha!
Damn tic-tacs!
Will, stop Get outta here We are not leaving!
The pain is in your head, Will!
And now you're hooked on the junk!
I fell off my clog!
At some point, every one falls off their clogs but you gotta get back on your clogs and work through the pain And even though you may wanna take off your clogs again, you gotta keep 'em on And you gotta make a lotta noise when you walk And-- Okay, wait, how did I get into this?
Will.
Let me show you something It's not going to be pretty Come on, man!
Look at yourself Now, look at me I am adorable Now back to you You look awful!
I look the same Outta my way you're blocking my view Will, you have to face it You're not yourself You haven't been to work in three days You threw your dry cleaning on a chair You told your mother that you'd call her back And then...
you did My God, what's happened to me?
It's okay.
Oh, baby It's okay.
It's okay, mama Where is that tic-tac?
Man, I am so buzzed You wanna French?
Not right now Okay I got my eye on this guy I think he's really into me or at least he's gonna be I got my eye on some one too Let me look for him There he is!
Kurt!
Wait, you can't like him I like him But I like him too Well you have to back off Why?
Because it's the first rule of being a good roommate You can't go after the same guy Then why don't you back off?
Because I saw him first How do you know?
How do you know I didn't?
Damn, your street smarts I'm going for him I'm going for him too!
Hey, Kurt, mind if I join you?
Well, I'm kinda dancing with her Or would you rather be dancing with an office manager?
You know, I was here And now you're gone Hey, Kurt, check this out Hey, Kurt, look at me!
Kurt!
Kurt!
Oh, yeah Kurt.
Oh, Kurt, yeah Here I am Oh, yeah I'm your lady, Kurt Take it, take it, yeah Whooo!
Oh, yeah Ooh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah Oh.
Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah Oh, oh, oh Kurt, have you been working out?
Wait, you're not Kurt!
You're not Kurt either!
Now look what you've done Me?!
You scared him off with your big boobies and your weird bisexual vibe He was into me!
No one's into you.
You're an oddly confidant 40-year-old secretary I'm a professional in the music business with two people working under me Melissa and Keith hate you!
-Take it back!
-No!
Yes!
Oh!
You ripped it This is everybody's favorite top on me!
Who's "everybody"?
Melissa and Keith?
They hate you!
Ha ha ha ha!
Give me that!
Give me that!
You know, of all my bad roommate experiences this has been the third worst That born-again Asian queen with a guinea pig was a better roommate than you!
Yeah?
Well, of all the bars I've ever been kicked out of that one had the best onion blossom News flash: I want you out You're a sucky roommate!
What?
You mean you're gonna end our friendship over some man in Dockers with Red Bull breath?
I could've loved him I want you to write me a check for the rest of the month's rent and get out You know, I just wanted to try a new experience I thought maybe if my life had been different I-I'd be happier right now You're obviously mistaking me for somebody who cares Look, just write the check Make it out to the landlord "Walker Property Management."
Oh, and add on $1.09 You ate one of my yogurts Let's see, how do I break this to you?
True or false?
I own this building Huh?
True.
Heh-heh-heh.
Yeah, I am Walker Property Management and I think I want you out Wait a minute!
We're roommates We're friends, we could be lovers I'll take that French now Sorry Lizzy Boredom you've left me no choice That's right, cut to you...
living in a dumpster.
Oop Feeling any better?
Yeah.
I'm Sorry I don't know what happened to me I was really out of control But I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I could admit I had a problem Will.
It was three days Really?
God I was so whacked out it seemed like a long weekend You know, maybe you control yourself too much Maybe if you lost it just a little bit every once in a while you wouldn't have it build up so much
You tricked us, Grace You said, they were casting for a sitcom called "A Gay Guy Two Hags and a Laundromat."
Jack.
Casting directors can't be here around the clock Which is why they have hidden cameras in order to find fresh talent Look, look, the washer in my apartment has been broken for two months.
I'm desperate You have enough underwear to last you two months?
No...
Eh, these are practically done What is this place?
It's pretty Where are the fish?
No, Karen.
It is a "laundry-mat."
People come here to clean their clothes Then, they reuse them Why, poor people are just plain clever I wonder why they can't figure out a way to make more money You've never been to a laundromat before?
What--why am I surprised?
Last week at the post office you kept tapping on the window and feeding peanuts to the clerk Why, there's so much real-life I've never experienced Sectional sofas for sale...
missing cats...
battered women shelters...
Fun!
Honey, look at me I'm finally using the Internet!
Yeah!
Ooh, and here's someone looking for a roommate Hey, should I get a roommate?
Yes.
But don't have sex with him And when you do have sex with him have sex with him a lot Okay Wow, I've really been missing out I'm gonna call this Liz non-smoker She sounds nice "Must have own sheets."
She's got a good sense of humor Hey, brought you some more change I tell you, you walk down Columbus Avenue with two rolls of quarters in your pocket you get a lot of attention Thanks.
Okay, wow Now, what's happening on your feet?
What?
I think she's talking about your shoes, Heidi What?
They're clogs They're good for your back They're good for the back of your closet You know what, the hell with both of you I like 'em.
I'm gonna wear 'em Aah!
Damn it!
I fell off my clog!
Hey!
Not funny, I think I did something bad to my foot Well, you did that when you put the clogs on this morning!
Uh, I mean, are you hurt?
Ow!
Answer me!
Okay, sweetie, you should see a doctor I'll get a cab Aren't you coming with me?
Sweetie The clogs You're gonna be all right, Will Just--just fine.
Just fine Will called from the doctor I guess he actually sprained something So I guess it's just going to be you and me for the good old-fashioned foldin' party Grace, just because you say the words "good old-fashioned," doesn't make it a party Even though I made a good old-fashioned foldin' party mix tape?
Okay, now it's a party Okay.
Do you see?
Do you see why it's a party?
Okay Hey, what's the big idea?
It is such a great song I think we should save it for sock bundling.
Yeah?
Okay.
Okay You know, we would never have this much fun if Will were here You know, he practically ruined my good old-fashioned find-the-bad-smell party Why does he always have to be in such a bad mood?
With those-- With those angry arms Stop taking my money!
Stop leaving crumbs on the carpet!
Stop making fun of my angry arms!
Yup, sometimes he could be a little mean and intense Wow.
Do you think he'd ever kill us?
No, come on It's Will Maybe you should move your glass off the coffee table If we leave one more ring she gonna snap -Oh, my god!
-Oh, my god!
Pick up the glass!
Wipe down the ring!
You're right, first he sees The Ring, and then we die!
Hey, what're you guys doing?
I-I-it's a good old-fashioned folding party It was Grace's idea!
Take her, she has funny genitals!
A good old-fashioned folding party?
Why is it all you have to do is add "good old-fashioned" to something, and you got yourself a good time Heh.
Hey, I hope you saved the fitted sheet for me It's fun to pretend it's a giant shower cap Are--are you okay?
Yeah.
Oh, I mean I was-- I was in a lotta pain But then, the doctor gave me these painkillers, and I feel a lot better About everything, actually Oh!
No good Wow.
Cheery Will I like it Unless he's cheery because he's back there loading his gun!
So I had this apartment to myself for 10 years because I was having an affair with my boss And he paid half the rent so we'd have some place nice to "do It."
Uh-huh But then he got murdered And I-I couldn't really afford it on my own Mmm.
So what's your story?
Well, since my marriage ended I've been living at The Palace And even though I've made a lot of swell friends, it's lonely I wanna...
a real home with...
...with, um, with real people I mean, you're real, right?
Super real So...
Okay, true or false?
I'm easy to live with Um...
True False.
I'm a nitpicker supreme I think it comes from all my years as a professional in the music biz You're in music?
Yeah, I-I didn't want to put it on the ad because then, you know, you just get a bunch of wannabes knocking on the door I'm an office manager for the company that does those collections you see on T.V You know, Hits of the '80s, Ladies of the '80s Rock Ballads of the '80s Heh-heh.
The '90s Well, I can see why you'd wanna keep that a secret, Liz I mean, you must never know if people are really liking you just for you or the '80s hits I know, right?
Right So, um, you should know that you know, I-I like things done a certain way Just ask Melissa and Keith They work under me Like, if they're five minutes late for work I look at my watch...
I look at them...
and they just get it Wow Oh!
Oh, my God.
I totally just bragged Please tell me to shut up Cut to me still talking about myself Um, Liz...
I know we haven't known each other very long but I think that you might be just about the most interesting person I've ever met I could learn tons from you Okay, okay, true or false?
I think you're great Um...
False True!
Oh, this game is so hard!
Ah!
Oh, Jack.
Look, have you seen Will?
I've been tryin' him for a couple of days and he hasn't returned my calls.
Yeah, I think he's home He didn't go to work?
Is he all right?
Is his ankle worse?
Grace, I'm trying to run a business.
Okay?
Hey, sweetie Look!
TiVo saved all the "American Idols" for me I love Paula Abdul And I love that we live in a world that would give a Paula Abdul a second chance Uh, why aren't you at work?
Oh, I'm sick My ankle still hurts Yeah, oh, oh, oh Watch this.
Wait, wait...
Woh-oh-woh-oh Another thing I love Those little interstitials before they go to commercial You know, like-like in "60 Minutes."
Tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-- And stop Are you okay?
Never better Oh, have you ever seen "King of Queens"?
It's funny sometimes!
But I don't really believe that she'd stay with him...
Or do I?
No, I don't think I do Well, I don't have to settle this right now Oh, hey!
I made cookies Oh, thanks, sweetie Oh, boy.
There's chocolate on the carpet I'm sorry.
What a mess Eh, leave it Okay, now you're freakin' me out!!
There are crumbs on the carpet your robe doesn't match your socks and, oh, my God, there's no product in your hair!
I'm calling 9-1-1!
Wait, wait, sweetie, sweetie I'm fine.
You know I-I got those nice little pills Ooh, better call in a refill Already?
Little secret: if you cheat and take 'em a little closer together you can avoid the pain completely Heh!
It's even pretty effective in squashing the lingering ache from having to work so hard for my mother's affection making it nearly impossible for any man to love me enough to make up for the hole she left in my heart Wow.
That may have been the greatest day of my life I love errands They're like mini adventures for undesirables Okay, so your half of the bill is $30.45 and don't try rounding it down like my last roommate 'cause that is just "F'd up."
Well, you don't have to worry about me, Liz I intend to pull my own weight around here Now, did you take a look at the chore wheel?
Because you're in charge of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower Wow.
How did I go my whole life without ever learning any of those words?
Karen!
You shouldn't have bought this cheesecake I'm, like, totally eating healthy this week Ugh!
Heh.
Cut to me eating this whole cheesecake Oh, Liz.
I love when you do "cut to me."
Everybody does Oh, Lizzie.
I rented us a video You are going to get me into so much trouble If you're lucky You're crazy Like a fox I doubt it You wish Don't I ever You and what army?
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, Lizzy...
I'm so glad we're roomies You know, I've lived with men practically my whole life I didn't know what I was missing I mean, the bond that can grow when two single gals share a tacky apartment with too many clocks and vanilla candles You know what, Karen?
Guys just mess everything up...
Or get murdered Yeah We are strong independent career women We don't need men to make us happy You said it, sister So you wanna go see if we can get laid?
Totally Huh.
That's weird Looking for these, Miss Taylor?
What're you doing here?
Give me those No.
We're not going to let you do this to yourself We think you have a problem And we ate all your Mueslix Who's "we"?
We wanna help you, Will Get out of my apartment!
No.
You have a problem You have got to get off gotta get off this merry-go-round I want those pills!
I have pain!
Effie, we all got pain!
Look we understand You're an elderly gay man with a poochie tummy and an unappealing personality Why wouldn't you be in pain?
I-- Wait a minute, those aren't even my pills Those are just old antibiotics They are?
Oh!
Ooh, crack whores are sneaky!
No!
No!
Oh, wait, look!
These pills have become a crutch And these crutches have become a coat rack Damn, you're right Okay, we'll do it your way I'll just, uh...
bring in the paper and we'll make a pot of coffee Start a whole new day.
Hmm We're good friends Smart of us to catch on He's not coming back, right?
No, no, I don't think so Thanks, Tony That's Tony When I first start coming here I thought he was gross Cut to me flat on my back on his futon God, this is great Casual sex, mookie bartenders dirty futons...
This is the stuff of life I'm gonna get an S.T.D.
tonight!
Save my place I rubbed off all my body glitter dancing with that ugly guy You know, it was really nice of me to dance with somebody that looks like that Oh, Karen, good Rosario said you'd be here How did she know where I was?
Apparently, the last time Plastic Surgeon had you under Rosario had a locator chip put in your head Is that what that is?
I always thought that was a piece of a bullet I was just wondering do you-do you have anything for pain?
'Cause, you know, I fell off my clogs and Grace stole my pills Can't you fairies ever sing a different tune?
Hey, Karen.
I like your friend He's very "8 Mile."
Oh.
Hey, roomie This is my 'mo friend, Will Oh He's also a pill head No, no.
No, no, no I'm not a pill head I dated this guy once that was into drugs right around the time that I was into drugs Oh, crap.
I gotta get outta here Maybe my mom's got some pills left over from that arthritis she got when dad told her he didn't love her anymore and maybe never did Karen, have you seen Will?
Excuse you, rude We were talking Oh, this is my boss, Liz The one I was telling you about I've got people working under me too Melissa and Keith.
That's two people Um, I know we just met, but as a gay man I'm oddly drawn to you Yeah, I get that a lot Me too Oh, hey, there's Will Okay, nice to meet you She's really confidant for somebody with such small boobs Come on, feel good buddy I know there's one in here Ah-ha!
Damn tic-tacs!
Will, stop Get outta here We are not leaving!
The pain is in your head, Will!
And now you're hooked on the junk!
I fell off my clog!
At some point, every one falls off their clogs but you gotta get back on your clogs and work through the pain And even though you may wanna take off your clogs again, you gotta keep 'em on And you gotta make a lotta noise when you walk And-- Okay, wait, how did I get into this?
Will.
Let me show you something It's not going to be pretty Come on, man!
Look at yourself Now, look at me I am adorable Now back to you You look awful!
I look the same Outta my way you're blocking my view Will, you have to face it You're not yourself You haven't been to work in three days You threw your dry cleaning on a chair You told your mother that you'd call her back And then...
you did My God, what's happened to me?
It's okay.
Oh, baby It's okay.
It's okay, mama Where is that tic-tac?
Man, I am so buzzed You wanna French?
Not right now Okay I got my eye on this guy I think he's really into me or at least he's gonna be I got my eye on some one too Let me look for him There he is!
Kurt!
Wait, you can't like him I like him But I like him too Well you have to back off Why?
Because it's the first rule of being a good roommate You can't go after the same guy Then why don't you back off?
Because I saw him first How do you know?
How do you know I didn't?
Damn, your street smarts I'm going for him I'm going for him too!
Hey, Kurt, mind if I join you?
Well, I'm kinda dancing with her Or would you rather be dancing with an office manager?
You know, I was here And now you're gone Hey, Kurt, check this out Hey, Kurt, look at me!
Kurt!
Kurt!
Oh, yeah Kurt.
Oh, Kurt, yeah Here I am Oh, yeah I'm your lady, Kurt Take it, take it, yeah Whooo!
Oh, yeah Ooh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah Oh.
Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah Oh, oh, oh Kurt, have you been working out?
Wait, you're not Kurt!
You're not Kurt either!
Now look what you've done Me?!
You scared him off with your big boobies and your weird bisexual vibe He was into me!
No one's into you.
You're an oddly confidant 40-year-old secretary I'm a professional in the music business with two people working under me Melissa and Keith hate you!
-Take it back!
-No!
Yes!
Oh!
You ripped it This is everybody's favorite top on me!
Who's "everybody"?
Melissa and Keith?
They hate you!
Ha ha ha ha!
Give me that!
Give me that!
You know, of all my bad roommate experiences this has been the third worst That born-again Asian queen with a guinea pig was a better roommate than you!
Yeah?
Well, of all the bars I've ever been kicked out of that one had the best onion blossom News flash: I want you out You're a sucky roommate!
What?
You mean you're gonna end our friendship over some man in Dockers with Red Bull breath?
I could've loved him I want you to write me a check for the rest of the month's rent and get out You know, I just wanted to try a new experience I thought maybe if my life had been different I-I'd be happier right now You're obviously mistaking me for somebody who cares Look, just write the check Make it out to the landlord "Walker Property Management."
Oh, and add on $1.09 You ate one of my yogurts Let's see, how do I break this to you?
True or false?
I own this building Huh?
True.
Heh-heh-heh.
Yeah, I am Walker Property Management and I think I want you out Wait a minute!
We're roommates We're friends, we could be lovers I'll take that French now Sorry Lizzy Boredom you've left me no choice That's right, cut to you...
living in a dumpster.
Oop Feeling any better?
Yeah.
I'm Sorry I don't know what happened to me I was really out of control But I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I could admit I had a problem Will.
It was three days Really?
God I was so whacked out it seemed like a long weekend You know, maybe you control yourself too much Maybe if you lost it just a little bit every once in a while you wouldn't have it build up so much