TV-Serie: American Dad! - 5x7
(upbeat March plays) ¶ good morning, usa!
¶ ¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶ ¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶ ¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶ ¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶ ¶ good morning, usa!
¶ Ugh!
God, that's awful.
Francine, courteney cox played a chef on friends.
Your cooking is worse than her acting.
So I saw something today that's really stayed with me.
After encountering some guys from the football team, Toshi and I were looking for my pants in the drainage ditch, And then we saw a squirrel get run over.
(gasps) oh...
Isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard, stan?
Eh.
Stan, a squirrel died today.
Doesn't that make you feel sad?
Doesn't that make you feel anything?
Yeah, annoyed.
Annoyed at the squirrel for jaywalking, Annoyed at steve for losing his pants, And annoyed at the football player for not being my son.
(spits) Spoiler alert: The sweet potatoes suck.
How can sweet potatoes not be sweet?
Hmm, frannie?
How'd you take the sweet out of the potatoes?
Let's say grace.
Where's hayley?
Oh, she went to some rock concert.
Rock concert?!
Honey, it's just a concert.
She went to listen to rock music, francine.
That's the devil's music.
It's the number one cause of teen pregnancy, School violence, and leather pants.
Stan, all you ever feel is anger.
Why is that the only emotion you can express?
Because people make me mad all the time For being stupid about everything!
Now pass me the (bleep) sweet potatoes!
Stan?
It's 1:00 in the morning.
What are you doing?
I think it's pretty obvious.
Hayley's still at that concert.
When she gets home, I'm going to scare her straight.
That's her.
(stan yells, hayley screams) (groans) What'd you do that for?
You scared the hell out of me!
No more concerts for you!
Yeah, good luck with that.
I will not let you throw your life away like your uncle did.
Spending all his time at the bowling alley, Running around with that lady from the tire shop, Flipping giant pancakes with a shovel.
Dad, that's the movie uncle buck.
The point is: You're wasting your life.
Music isn't a waste, dad, And my morning jacket is awesome.
Your morning what?
Honey, my morning jacket Is the name of the band.
Oh, yeah, I'm a cool mom...
Who can also hang loose.
I'm way into peace...
Which is a-ok.
Going my way?
Well, they're playing again tomorrow night, And I'm going.
Is that right?
(gasps) Spider say "burp."
God, I hate you!
I'm gonna sleep in my web tonight.
I am furious.
I know, it sucks.
I wish I could go.
Okay, bye.
How you doing, honey?
What is dad's problem with music?
Well, music makes you feel things, And your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass...
And a literal one, Which is why it took half a bottle of ether And salad tongs to get this.
Mom!
Ew!
Awesome!
I also found this.
It looks like a turd.
Look closer.
It's clearly a turd.
Taste it.
It's...
Chocolate.
Yeah, your dad must think I'm getting fat, So he's been hiding it In the one place he thought I couldn't reach-- Behind the fridge.
Anyway, have fun at the show rocking it.
Oh, mom, you're the best.
Hey, I went to a few concerts when I was your age.
I'd get backstage all the time.
Of course, back then you really had to work for it, Not like today with all these sissy radio giveaways.
Oh, you're caller 96.
Bravo.
(scoffs) Fit that whole phone in your mouth, You might have been able to hang with my crew.
Wait, if I'm not here tonight, Won't dad figure out where I went?
You leave your father to me.
Hey, everyone, It's me, hayley.
Sorry I'm late.
I was doing hayley stuff-- Peace and whatnot, tom's of maine.
I'm the daughter.
Settle down, hayley.
Screw you, stan!
Roger!
Wait, roger?
Well, then where's...?
She went to that concert!
Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach Since I'm dressed for it.
(cheering) I'll just put in these cia noise-canceling earplugs.
Then I won't have to expose myself to that filth When I yank that girl out of there.
Then what are you going to do?
Stan: Idiots-- paying good money to see something They've already heard on a record.
Get a job, hippie.
It's called a shower, you douche bag.
Whoa, she's hot.
Huh, better coming than going.
I'll never find her in here.
Well, that could have taken a lot longer.
(muffled): You're coming home right now!
Look, everything is fine.
I'm her father.
(inaudible) you don't understand!
Damn it, I said I'm her fa-- ("wordless chorus" playing) Do you hear an angel?
What?
An angel-- possessing you, living in your heart?
¶ hoo ¶ ¶ oh, yeah ¶ ¶ oh-ho...
¶ ¶ hoo ¶ ¶ hoo, oh ¶ ¶ yeah ¶ ¶ oh...
¶ Oh, my god.
I feel.
I feel everything.
And number 5 feels alive!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
What are we doing?!
Oh, my god, francine.
This band my morning jacket-- incredible.
That's great, honey.
That stuff you were saying about me only feeling anger?
Well, I feel everything now, baby.
I cried, francine, I actually cried.
The way you wanted me to at the birth of our children, Instead of just punching that locker.
Oh, stan, I want to hear all about it.
And I want to hear all their music right now.
Hey, I can download them on my cell phone.
Cell phone, play my morning jacket.
Automated female voice: Do you want me to call maureen jacket?
You're still in touch with maureen jacket?
No, I haven't talked to her in years.
(phone rings) Woman: Hey, stan, thanks again for lunch yesterday.
Oh, you left your sandals in my car.
("touch me I'm going to scream, part 2" playing) ¶ I'm smiling, too ¶ ¶ I see myself in you ¶ ¶ I am with it ¶ ¶ man, I am wired...
¶ No way!
Hey!
Stan, you didn't come to bed last night.
I checked the couch, I checked all three of your webs.
This singer, francine-- jim james-- Has the most angelic voice.
He makes enya sound Like a russian couple arguing at the bowling alley.
Stan, I'm glad you're having fun, But you're supposed to be at work.
You're really late.
Yeah, 42 years late.
Francine, jim james writes stuff I think, Like "we are the innovators, they are the imitators."
I thought that, like, two years ago, But I never said anything.
Oh, dad, if you like my morning jacket, Wait until you hear this new band I've been listening to.
I thought you liked my morning jacket.
I do, but...
You whore.
Music slut.
Shaking those ears all over town, letting anyone in.
Get out of this room!
What?!
Go on, Get out of this sanctuary.
You're not fit to hear the music of jim.
But I'm the one...
Stan, don't you think that was a little harsh?
Oh, oh, I love this part.
Listen to this, francine, And by "listen," I really mean "hear."
(volume increases) What do you see when you hear this?
I don't know, a spaceship?
Wrong!
I'll tell you what I see.
It's a trip, man.
¶ ha...
¶ ¶ ha...
¶ ¶ ha-ah ¶ ¶ ha-ah ¶ ¶ ha...
¶ ¶ ha...
¶ ¶ ha-ah ¶ ¶ ha-ah ¶ ¶ ha...
¶ (tapping) What the hell are you doing?
You've been out here for three hours with your eyes closed And a really creepy smile.
You're freaking us all out.
Oh, sorry, sir.
Yeah, I, uh, I'll be right in.
Don't bother.
The work day's over.
("I'm amazed" playing) ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ at the quiet ocean ¶ ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ at your wrong devotion ¶ ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ at what the people sayin' ¶ ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ by a divided nation ¶ ¶ like the middle ¶ ¶ of the earth ¶ ¶ I get disrupted ¶ ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ at all that has been ¶ ¶ I'm amazed.
¶ Hayley, what are we going to do about your dad?
He's really obsessed with this band.
Didn't you hear me, mom?!
I've been screaming "help!"
for an hour.
Thank god, the pool guy came!
("phone went west" by my morning jacket playing) ¶ there will be a knock ¶ ¶ on your front door...
¶ (music stops) (music resumes) ¶ there will be a knock ¶ ¶ on your front...
¶ Take your finger off the doorbell.
Wish I could.
I'm norman.
I'm supposed to meet stan here for a transaction.
Um, stan?
This guy's here to see you about something.
Norman!
You made it!
Thanks for coming.
Here's the 900 bones.
Wait-- $900?
For a cd?
It's a bootleg!
It's jim james at a doubletree Before a show in detroit.
(jim james gargling) Um...
What?
Shh!
(gargling continues) (spitting, farting) Jim james: What the?
That wasn't me.
(farting) who's in here?
(jim james screams) norman: Hello.
I'm norman.
I'm just, uh, Trying to record some stuff for the fans.
I'm crouched down in the shower, So, uh, the farts are kind of slipping out.
(farting) and, uh, I'm also-- Sorry.
(farting) (farting) I'm also-- sorry.
I'm also-- sorry.
(farting) I'm pretty nervous.
Are you kidding me?!
You spent $900 for this?!
Well, I guess I should be going.
Can I stay here tonight?
No.
Stan, you're scaring me.
Missing work, Spending all that money for gargling.
You need to come back to reality.
And soon!
She doesn't get me, jim.
Huh?
You talking to me?
Roger, what the hell?!
What are you doing in there?
Just licking my finger and flicking the bean.
The new l.L.
Bean catalog came.
Look, there's clearly something special Between you and this jim james fellow.
It's more than that.
It's like we're soul mates!
It's like he and I were ripening for nine months In the same womb stew, And then tragically ripped apart.
Womb stew, delish.
With a little bread, forget about it.
Look, it's clear to me what has to happen here.
What do you mean you're going on tour with my morning jacket?
I have to meet jim james.
He understands me in a way that no one else does.
I feel closer to him than anyone in the world!
You ever felt anything like that?
Stan!
You're right.
Traffic.
I should go.
Stan, this is ridiculous!
How are you even going to get backstage?
Roger: With a little help from me.
The name's abbey.
Abbey road.
And when it snows, I need to be plowed.
("highly suspicious" by my morning jacket blasting) (tires squealing) (munching) Hey.
I'm just trying to make a plan.
(munching) (crowd cheering) All right, stan, there's the vip section, That's where the band is.
Come on, follow my lead.
Hi.
My hand's doing this.
Can you think of any way you'd want to be a part of it?
Bouncers love shooting dice, and I've got a loaded pair, So I knew we could win our way in.
(stan gasps) There they are!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Hey, thanks for coming, everybody.
Unfortunately, the band is exhausted, So we're going to go ahead and push off.
(crowd groans) Sorry we're late!
Where do you think you're going?
Oh, my friend here is a reporter For rolling stone.
I'm a reporter for the rolling stone.
I'm their manager.
Why didn't I hear about this?
Oh, I called you-- cell phone to tell you-- Must have had a bad connection.
God, my coverage sucks!
Sorry about that.
Go ahead, get on.
Okay, stan, get ready to be surprised By the amount of drugs and whores you see, And then shocked by the amount of drugs And whores I can do.
I can't get dick van patten's eyes to light up.
Keep trying, bo.
Okay, no whores.
But I bet when that machine's up and running, They're going to do big, fat lines of coke on the glass, Right over betty buckley's knockers.
Mmm, milk.
Thanks, magheeta.
(chattering) Huh.
I don't see jim.
He's probably chillin' in the back.
Patience!
Your moment will come.
Just don't say anything stupid to blow your cover.
Oh, yeah, as a rock 'n' roll journalist, There's nothing I haven't seen.
Like this one time, I was free-macing drugs in a van With tina jivestrong and the black guy from the beatles.
And I was all, "I think I'm gonna like it here."
You boner.
(phone rings) Hello?
Boner speaking.
Stan, where are you?
Your boss called, and you're fired If you don't show up for work Monday.
I don't care!
I just have to get backstage tomorrow night in albany.
Oh, for god's sake.
What if you get backstage and actually meet this jim james?
What do you possibly think is going to happen?
I don't know.
Maybe he'll sing to me of greater things.
Of money, gold and diamond rings.
Just don't make this last any longer than it has to!
You don't understand me!
(sighs) He's off the deep end.
No one's stopping.
Look, the next guy'll stop, I guarantee it.
Roger, your disgusting fat leg is not going to...
(tires screeching) Oh, my god!
I-I-I didn't see...
(punch lands, man groans) come on!
Get in, stan!
(tires squealing) (tires screeching) Here we are.
Okay, stan.
Just let me do the talking.
And remember, no matter what happens, we stick together.
Hi, it's just me.
I'm by myself.
What happened?
Okay, no one else gets backstage.
(crowd groans) Wait!
But I have to meet jim!
Francine?
Look, I don't know why you're here.
I'm not coming home until I meet jim!
That's why I'm here, stan.
This is my world.
And I'm your rock 'n' roll sherpa.
("remnants" by my morning jacket playing) ¶ remnants of the empire ¶ ¶ artifacts of love ¶ ¶ will I meet the designer?
¶ ¶ what will he dream up?
¶ ¶ remnants of the empire ¶ ¶ gravity awake ¶ ¶ what's held down to the ground ¶ ¶ next round goes into space ¶ ¶ raising up the empire ¶ ¶ innocence and faith ¶ ¶ what will hold you up ¶ ¶ and what will stand in your way?
¶ ¶ waaaay.
¶ Well, he's in there.
Thanks, francine.
Thanks, girls.
And thank you, ma'am.
(knocking) yeah, it's open.
Can I help you?
Hello?
You okay?
Mr.
James, this is such an honor.
I am a huge fan.
Oh.
Uh, well, well, thanks, man.
Anything else I can do for you?
Thank you for the music!
(laughs) Okay.
You understand me!
Uh, well, I gotta get ready for the big show.
I've got all your albums, I have all your posters.
I even bought an old band-aid of yours off ebay.
Was it from your knee?
It smells like it's from your knee.
If anybody can hear my voice, please, come in here!
No, don't be scared!
I'm not a scary person!
It's okay, I've got him.
It's just your songs, I listen to them and I know you and I think the same!
It's like...
We're soul neighbors And we're constantly borrowing sugar from each other.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm sorry, mr.
James.
He's a little emotional.
He thinks you're writing your music just for him.
Come on, stan.
Let's let the man get ready for his show.
Hold on.
Stan, is it?
Look, man, I'm flattered you dig what we're doing.
But I'm, uh, I'm not thinking about you When I write these songs.
That'd be impossible.
We've never even met, man.
Hey, is-is this your daughter?
Wife.
Damn!
She's the one who understands you, man.
You should be sharing your soul with her, not me.
Truth of the matter is, I sure ain't nothin' special.
I put my pants on one leg at a time, Just like everybody else.
(whistles) Sorry I put you through all this, honey.
Don't be.
I used to fall for these guys all the time.
But then I met you, And you became my rock star.
Oh, mr.
Smith, I'm your biggest fan.
(both moan)
¶ ¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶ ¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶ ¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶ ¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶ ¶ good morning, usa!
¶ Ugh!
God, that's awful.
Francine, courteney cox played a chef on friends.
Your cooking is worse than her acting.
So I saw something today that's really stayed with me.
After encountering some guys from the football team, Toshi and I were looking for my pants in the drainage ditch, And then we saw a squirrel get run over.
(gasps) oh...
Isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard, stan?
Eh.
Stan, a squirrel died today.
Doesn't that make you feel sad?
Doesn't that make you feel anything?
Yeah, annoyed.
Annoyed at the squirrel for jaywalking, Annoyed at steve for losing his pants, And annoyed at the football player for not being my son.
(spits) Spoiler alert: The sweet potatoes suck.
How can sweet potatoes not be sweet?
Hmm, frannie?
How'd you take the sweet out of the potatoes?
Let's say grace.
Where's hayley?
Oh, she went to some rock concert.
Rock concert?!
Honey, it's just a concert.
She went to listen to rock music, francine.
That's the devil's music.
It's the number one cause of teen pregnancy, School violence, and leather pants.
Stan, all you ever feel is anger.
Why is that the only emotion you can express?
Because people make me mad all the time For being stupid about everything!
Now pass me the (bleep) sweet potatoes!
Stan?
It's 1:00 in the morning.
What are you doing?
I think it's pretty obvious.
Hayley's still at that concert.
When she gets home, I'm going to scare her straight.
That's her.
(stan yells, hayley screams) (groans) What'd you do that for?
You scared the hell out of me!
No more concerts for you!
Yeah, good luck with that.
I will not let you throw your life away like your uncle did.
Spending all his time at the bowling alley, Running around with that lady from the tire shop, Flipping giant pancakes with a shovel.
Dad, that's the movie uncle buck.
The point is: You're wasting your life.
Music isn't a waste, dad, And my morning jacket is awesome.
Your morning what?
Honey, my morning jacket Is the name of the band.
Oh, yeah, I'm a cool mom...
Who can also hang loose.
I'm way into peace...
Which is a-ok.
Going my way?
Well, they're playing again tomorrow night, And I'm going.
Is that right?
(gasps) Spider say "burp."
God, I hate you!
I'm gonna sleep in my web tonight.
I am furious.
I know, it sucks.
I wish I could go.
Okay, bye.
How you doing, honey?
What is dad's problem with music?
Well, music makes you feel things, And your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass...
And a literal one, Which is why it took half a bottle of ether And salad tongs to get this.
Mom!
Ew!
Awesome!
I also found this.
It looks like a turd.
Look closer.
It's clearly a turd.
Taste it.
It's...
Chocolate.
Yeah, your dad must think I'm getting fat, So he's been hiding it In the one place he thought I couldn't reach-- Behind the fridge.
Anyway, have fun at the show rocking it.
Oh, mom, you're the best.
Hey, I went to a few concerts when I was your age.
I'd get backstage all the time.
Of course, back then you really had to work for it, Not like today with all these sissy radio giveaways.
Oh, you're caller 96.
Bravo.
(scoffs) Fit that whole phone in your mouth, You might have been able to hang with my crew.
Wait, if I'm not here tonight, Won't dad figure out where I went?
You leave your father to me.
Hey, everyone, It's me, hayley.
Sorry I'm late.
I was doing hayley stuff-- Peace and whatnot, tom's of maine.
I'm the daughter.
Settle down, hayley.
Screw you, stan!
Roger!
Wait, roger?
Well, then where's...?
She went to that concert!
Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach Since I'm dressed for it.
(cheering) I'll just put in these cia noise-canceling earplugs.
Then I won't have to expose myself to that filth When I yank that girl out of there.
Then what are you going to do?
Stan: Idiots-- paying good money to see something They've already heard on a record.
Get a job, hippie.
It's called a shower, you douche bag.
Whoa, she's hot.
Huh, better coming than going.
I'll never find her in here.
Well, that could have taken a lot longer.
(muffled): You're coming home right now!
Look, everything is fine.
I'm her father.
(inaudible) you don't understand!
Damn it, I said I'm her fa-- ("wordless chorus" playing) Do you hear an angel?
What?
An angel-- possessing you, living in your heart?
¶ hoo ¶ ¶ oh, yeah ¶ ¶ oh-ho...
¶ ¶ hoo ¶ ¶ hoo, oh ¶ ¶ yeah ¶ ¶ oh...
¶ Oh, my god.
I feel.
I feel everything.
And number 5 feels alive!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
What are we doing?!
Oh, my god, francine.
This band my morning jacket-- incredible.
That's great, honey.
That stuff you were saying about me only feeling anger?
Well, I feel everything now, baby.
I cried, francine, I actually cried.
The way you wanted me to at the birth of our children, Instead of just punching that locker.
Oh, stan, I want to hear all about it.
And I want to hear all their music right now.
Hey, I can download them on my cell phone.
Cell phone, play my morning jacket.
Automated female voice: Do you want me to call maureen jacket?
You're still in touch with maureen jacket?
No, I haven't talked to her in years.
(phone rings) Woman: Hey, stan, thanks again for lunch yesterday.
Oh, you left your sandals in my car.
("touch me I'm going to scream, part 2" playing) ¶ I'm smiling, too ¶ ¶ I see myself in you ¶ ¶ I am with it ¶ ¶ man, I am wired...
¶ No way!
Hey!
Stan, you didn't come to bed last night.
I checked the couch, I checked all three of your webs.
This singer, francine-- jim james-- Has the most angelic voice.
He makes enya sound Like a russian couple arguing at the bowling alley.
Stan, I'm glad you're having fun, But you're supposed to be at work.
You're really late.
Yeah, 42 years late.
Francine, jim james writes stuff I think, Like "we are the innovators, they are the imitators."
I thought that, like, two years ago, But I never said anything.
Oh, dad, if you like my morning jacket, Wait until you hear this new band I've been listening to.
I thought you liked my morning jacket.
I do, but...
You whore.
Music slut.
Shaking those ears all over town, letting anyone in.
Get out of this room!
What?!
Go on, Get out of this sanctuary.
You're not fit to hear the music of jim.
But I'm the one...
Stan, don't you think that was a little harsh?
Oh, oh, I love this part.
Listen to this, francine, And by "listen," I really mean "hear."
(volume increases) What do you see when you hear this?
I don't know, a spaceship?
Wrong!
I'll tell you what I see.
It's a trip, man.
¶ ha...
¶ ¶ ha...
¶ ¶ ha-ah ¶ ¶ ha-ah ¶ ¶ ha...
¶ ¶ ha...
¶ ¶ ha-ah ¶ ¶ ha-ah ¶ ¶ ha...
¶ (tapping) What the hell are you doing?
You've been out here for three hours with your eyes closed And a really creepy smile.
You're freaking us all out.
Oh, sorry, sir.
Yeah, I, uh, I'll be right in.
Don't bother.
The work day's over.
("I'm amazed" playing) ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ at the quiet ocean ¶ ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ at your wrong devotion ¶ ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ at what the people sayin' ¶ ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ by a divided nation ¶ ¶ like the middle ¶ ¶ of the earth ¶ ¶ I get disrupted ¶ ¶ I'm amazed ¶ ¶ at all that has been ¶ ¶ I'm amazed.
¶ Hayley, what are we going to do about your dad?
He's really obsessed with this band.
Didn't you hear me, mom?!
I've been screaming "help!"
for an hour.
Thank god, the pool guy came!
("phone went west" by my morning jacket playing) ¶ there will be a knock ¶ ¶ on your front door...
¶ (music stops) (music resumes) ¶ there will be a knock ¶ ¶ on your front...
¶ Take your finger off the doorbell.
Wish I could.
I'm norman.
I'm supposed to meet stan here for a transaction.
Um, stan?
This guy's here to see you about something.
Norman!
You made it!
Thanks for coming.
Here's the 900 bones.
Wait-- $900?
For a cd?
It's a bootleg!
It's jim james at a doubletree Before a show in detroit.
(jim james gargling) Um...
What?
Shh!
(gargling continues) (spitting, farting) Jim james: What the?
That wasn't me.
(farting) who's in here?
(jim james screams) norman: Hello.
I'm norman.
I'm just, uh, Trying to record some stuff for the fans.
I'm crouched down in the shower, So, uh, the farts are kind of slipping out.
(farting) and, uh, I'm also-- Sorry.
(farting) (farting) I'm also-- sorry.
I'm also-- sorry.
(farting) I'm pretty nervous.
Are you kidding me?!
You spent $900 for this?!
Well, I guess I should be going.
Can I stay here tonight?
No.
Stan, you're scaring me.
Missing work, Spending all that money for gargling.
You need to come back to reality.
And soon!
She doesn't get me, jim.
Huh?
You talking to me?
Roger, what the hell?!
What are you doing in there?
Just licking my finger and flicking the bean.
The new l.L.
Bean catalog came.
Look, there's clearly something special Between you and this jim james fellow.
It's more than that.
It's like we're soul mates!
It's like he and I were ripening for nine months In the same womb stew, And then tragically ripped apart.
Womb stew, delish.
With a little bread, forget about it.
Look, it's clear to me what has to happen here.
What do you mean you're going on tour with my morning jacket?
I have to meet jim james.
He understands me in a way that no one else does.
I feel closer to him than anyone in the world!
You ever felt anything like that?
Stan!
You're right.
Traffic.
I should go.
Stan, this is ridiculous!
How are you even going to get backstage?
Roger: With a little help from me.
The name's abbey.
Abbey road.
And when it snows, I need to be plowed.
("highly suspicious" by my morning jacket blasting) (tires squealing) (munching) Hey.
I'm just trying to make a plan.
(munching) (crowd cheering) All right, stan, there's the vip section, That's where the band is.
Come on, follow my lead.
Hi.
My hand's doing this.
Can you think of any way you'd want to be a part of it?
Bouncers love shooting dice, and I've got a loaded pair, So I knew we could win our way in.
(stan gasps) There they are!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Hey, thanks for coming, everybody.
Unfortunately, the band is exhausted, So we're going to go ahead and push off.
(crowd groans) Sorry we're late!
Where do you think you're going?
Oh, my friend here is a reporter For rolling stone.
I'm a reporter for the rolling stone.
I'm their manager.
Why didn't I hear about this?
Oh, I called you-- cell phone to tell you-- Must have had a bad connection.
God, my coverage sucks!
Sorry about that.
Go ahead, get on.
Okay, stan, get ready to be surprised By the amount of drugs and whores you see, And then shocked by the amount of drugs And whores I can do.
I can't get dick van patten's eyes to light up.
Keep trying, bo.
Okay, no whores.
But I bet when that machine's up and running, They're going to do big, fat lines of coke on the glass, Right over betty buckley's knockers.
Mmm, milk.
Thanks, magheeta.
(chattering) Huh.
I don't see jim.
He's probably chillin' in the back.
Patience!
Your moment will come.
Just don't say anything stupid to blow your cover.
Oh, yeah, as a rock 'n' roll journalist, There's nothing I haven't seen.
Like this one time, I was free-macing drugs in a van With tina jivestrong and the black guy from the beatles.
And I was all, "I think I'm gonna like it here."
You boner.
(phone rings) Hello?
Boner speaking.
Stan, where are you?
Your boss called, and you're fired If you don't show up for work Monday.
I don't care!
I just have to get backstage tomorrow night in albany.
Oh, for god's sake.
What if you get backstage and actually meet this jim james?
What do you possibly think is going to happen?
I don't know.
Maybe he'll sing to me of greater things.
Of money, gold and diamond rings.
Just don't make this last any longer than it has to!
You don't understand me!
(sighs) He's off the deep end.
No one's stopping.
Look, the next guy'll stop, I guarantee it.
Roger, your disgusting fat leg is not going to...
(tires screeching) Oh, my god!
I-I-I didn't see...
(punch lands, man groans) come on!
Get in, stan!
(tires squealing) (tires screeching) Here we are.
Okay, stan.
Just let me do the talking.
And remember, no matter what happens, we stick together.
Hi, it's just me.
I'm by myself.
What happened?
Okay, no one else gets backstage.
(crowd groans) Wait!
But I have to meet jim!
Francine?
Look, I don't know why you're here.
I'm not coming home until I meet jim!
That's why I'm here, stan.
This is my world.
And I'm your rock 'n' roll sherpa.
("remnants" by my morning jacket playing) ¶ remnants of the empire ¶ ¶ artifacts of love ¶ ¶ will I meet the designer?
¶ ¶ what will he dream up?
¶ ¶ remnants of the empire ¶ ¶ gravity awake ¶ ¶ what's held down to the ground ¶ ¶ next round goes into space ¶ ¶ raising up the empire ¶ ¶ innocence and faith ¶ ¶ what will hold you up ¶ ¶ and what will stand in your way?
¶ ¶ waaaay.
¶ Well, he's in there.
Thanks, francine.
Thanks, girls.
And thank you, ma'am.
(knocking) yeah, it's open.
Can I help you?
Hello?
You okay?
Mr.
James, this is such an honor.
I am a huge fan.
Oh.
Uh, well, well, thanks, man.
Anything else I can do for you?
Thank you for the music!
(laughs) Okay.
You understand me!
Uh, well, I gotta get ready for the big show.
I've got all your albums, I have all your posters.
I even bought an old band-aid of yours off ebay.
Was it from your knee?
It smells like it's from your knee.
If anybody can hear my voice, please, come in here!
No, don't be scared!
I'm not a scary person!
It's okay, I've got him.
It's just your songs, I listen to them and I know you and I think the same!
It's like...
We're soul neighbors And we're constantly borrowing sugar from each other.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm sorry, mr.
James.
He's a little emotional.
He thinks you're writing your music just for him.
Come on, stan.
Let's let the man get ready for his show.
Hold on.
Stan, is it?
Look, man, I'm flattered you dig what we're doing.
But I'm, uh, I'm not thinking about you When I write these songs.
That'd be impossible.
We've never even met, man.
Hey, is-is this your daughter?
Wife.
Damn!
She's the one who understands you, man.
You should be sharing your soul with her, not me.
Truth of the matter is, I sure ain't nothin' special.
I put my pants on one leg at a time, Just like everybody else.
(whistles) Sorry I put you through all this, honey.
Don't be.
I used to fall for these guys all the time.
But then I met you, And you became my rock star.
Oh, mr.
Smith, I'm your biggest fan.
(both moan)